Parenting - Brief Principles To Live By



Parenting - Essential Principles To Live By

 

It is possible to live life and be a parent without any specific principles in mind. Simply love your children as you wish you were loved on a daily basis when growing up, knowing what you know now as an adult. But, everyone has moments in parenting where they say to themselves “if only I had known.” Knowledge does not guarantee one will always take appropriate actions, but principles in relationships can serve as a guide in beginning well, finding your way back when getting off track, and finishing well. Who doesn’t at the end of their life want to look back with fewer regrets? It is not that some principles are necessarily more right than other principles, but principles enable purposeful living.

 

I hope the following principles will guide you to avoid unnecessary failures. I have tried to as distinctly as possibly identify the most essential principles that I believe are critical to success as a parent.  Keep in mind success is defined how we parents act and respond. How children act and respond is their choice. Honestly, if parents simple emulate how our heavenly Parent guides us, we will look back with few regrets. We are made in God's image and the Scriptures does not hesitate to advise us to follow God's example (Eph 5:1). I believe the Bible doesn’t give a lot of instructions on parenting, because it was assumed we understood to imitate our heavenly Parent in our relationship with our own children.  

I suppose a great parenting book would be to study many successful parents and see what key characteristics they have in common, but we can do even better by studying Scriptures what God says about Himself as a Parent. A life long study of the Bible, to understand God true nature, is critical to be a good parent. Spend your time getting to know God better. How does He treat you? He may not be who you were told growing up. Certain images we have about God’s nature may not be true. Study Scriptures for yourself. Read what I have written about what I believe to be God’s true nature and character at my website: mikeedwards123. Maybe God purposely didn’t leave us a book on Parenting. Parenting is not so much a bunch of rules; parenting is more about who you are. God awaits invitations to empower us to imitate Him as a Parent. Attempting to have a positive relationship with our children can bring out the best in them. Do we care enough to want to have a close relationship by disciplining, encouraging, and not be hypocritical or provoking? Are we loving, just, patient, tolerant, full of grace, and forgiving?

 

Parents Must Know The Stages And The Real Character of a Child

 

John Rosemond is a parenting expert all should consult. He has influenced my thinking greatly. I strongly encourage you to at least read his most recent book The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline That Really Works. He defines the three stages of parenting. Obviously, children when born simply need to eat, sleep, and be loved. Around age two or slightly younger, they become aware of their world and believe the world revolves around them. Kids are born self-centered, not selfless. Children at a very young age need strong guidance how to behave and not be self-centered. Parents who do not accept this as a fact of life and take it in stride without becoming overly exasperated about this truth will struggle. Parents must spend a great deal of time reprogramming children in fair, rational ways. Rosemond calls ages three to about thirteen the decade of discipline. Parenting teenagers is a whole different matter and the role of the parent must change to more of a mentoring relationship with occasional interventions when young people engage in immoral behaviors. No, they can't do drugs. But, this is no different than an adult expecting their marriage partner not to use drugs. Teenagerism is not a disease and you can actual have a positive relationship with your teenagers if you play your cards right, and the teenager is not overly negatively influenced by their peers. A parent’s relationship with their child prior to and during this stage is important. All I can say to parents who say you can’t have a positive relationship with your children until they are grown is - good luck! This is not God's attitude despite our almost daily rebellion against His wishes. Please see for more details my article Parenting Teenagers - A Radically Different Approach Is Necessary

Parents Must Be Guided By The Golden Rule

 

Parenting is really quite simple, just hard to do. Living by the golden rule will solve many parenting challenges. The question parents can ask themselves in most situations is “am I treating my child in the way I wanted to be treated when I was a child.” Now that you are an adult, you can see discipline in a fair manner when younger was in your best interest. Don’t go brain dead once you become a parent, forgetting how you wished your parents had acted toward you. Live up to the standard you internally demanded of your parents when you were young. Treating children in this manner goes a long way to building a positive relationship and bringing out the best in them. The golden rule is good advice in all relationships, though in parenting some additional knowledge is helpful since dealing with little people and not like-minded adults.

 

Parents Must Live By Absolutes

 

Parents must have a moral compass as God did by passing down the Ten Commandments for successful societies. Don’t fool yourself into thinking absolutes are mainly about cleanliness, looks, or careers you pursue. Since when has God told you what you must be when you grow up? Parents should draw lines in the sand as God did when moral laws were being violated. Children are not free to be abusive, they are not free to use illegal drugs and violate other civil laws. But, God is a forgiver. He draws the line and warns us to not cross it. How many times though have we crossed that line? When we choose to come back to our heavenly Parent, He awaits. There may be consequences suffered, but He doesn’t keep bringing it up. Imagine if every parent didn’t harp on every mistake and was quick to forgive and not bring up past mistakes, when a child sought forgiveness or suffered the consequences.

 

Parents must walk the talk themselves if they expect children to listen to their authority. How can parents obtain allegiance by asking their children to treat others right, but parents don’t treat others well? If kids are not going to drink when young, this translates into their parents nothing getting trashed and drinking responsibly. Whether we like it or not, kids are always looking for an excuse to be irresponsible. It is just human nature, as many of us adults can contest to in our own lives. Parents must work very hard to not give their children a reason to misbehave because of the example they set. “Do what I say, not what I do” is an oxymoron. 

 

Parents Must Discipline Well

 

A parent who cares about the relationship cares enough to punish and be done. No hitting or yelling allowed. I don’t believe physical discipline is ever necessary, though I suppose it can be done on a rare occasion if done properly. Parents who use their power well will have followers. Even some children understand the legitimacy of fair, corrective actions. Make no mistake that parenting without discipline is doomed to fail. Children without guidance become more self-centered than selfless. Discipline fairly and don’t keep bringing up old news. Forgive and forget. Parents should not excuse their yelling just because they haven’t thought of creative, calm consequences for certain behaviors. As children become older and discussions are more appropriate but become heated, agree ahead of time to stop and discuss the matter later in a calmer manner. Only when there is calm are solutions discovered. Anger outburst cause damage that has to be undone. Parents worry too much about the right (logical/natural) consequences or the timing (soon after the offense) of consequences. Sometimes, parents and kids need to stew so justice is delved out fairly. There is no perfect means of discipline. Discipline is some trial and error. Relax! Just decide, be fair, and don’t bring up past offenses.   

 

Parents Must Guide Siblings

 

Demanding civility in sibling relationships is the solution to sibling conflicts. Children don’t have to like each other, but they must treat one another the way they wish to be treated. This will be a daily parenting task, especially when children are younger. It is hogwash to expect little Johnny and Sam to work out their relationship among themselves. If co-workers start beating on one another, does management stand back and say “let them work it out?” Have you noticed children have even less self-control than adults? In our family civility was enforced not only between mom and dad but siblings as well. Honestly, they never rebelled against this. I was standing on moral ground (the golden rule), not some arbitrary demand.

 

Parents Must Encourage Well

 

Unfortunately, the most natural interaction between parents and children is criticism. There is a time and place for “constructive criticism” but if our bosses only use this form of communication, most look for another job if they can. I suppose we can make children too vain by constantly telling them they are God’s gift to humankind, but at least let them know they are not always the devil's tool. Negative self-prophecy is very real in relationships. Expect a child to fail and watch this reality come true right before your eyes. Don’t underestimate the power of positive “prophecy” to influence for good. Catch kids doing right and verbalize it. Tell children daily something you appreciate they did.  Make sure there is more of a positive than negative tone in the relationship. We parents tell children to show a little gratitude. A parent’s unexpressed gratitude toward their child is the same as ingratitude. Intentional gratitude is an essential behavior. And, it doesn't hurt to say yes more than no whenever possible. Many rules by parents are for personal convenience, not because they are wise or necessary. As adults, don’t we hate arbitrary rules in the workplace without at least some discussion and give and take?  

 

Children, like adults, seek to please those where much goodwill is built up. Positive relationships with our children, nurtured by expressions of gratitude, can carry over to the critical, teenage years. When children do right, however so slight, let them have it right between the “ears.” Tell children something you appreciate they did that day. Why should parents compliment children for doing what they are suppose to do? Why then should employers bother to thank or reward employees for a job well done? After all, they get paid! When my children study without coercion I thank them. They are performing a great service to the family by helping to avoid conflict. Well-meaning parents often overlook the importance of “that-a-girls/boys.” If expressing gratitude to your children doesn’t come naturally, seek out the advise of others how to get started. The ambiance of the family is vital in the raising of our children. Children are just like us adults – they must and can be inspired. 

 

Parents Must Stop Provoking.

 

God is not a provoker. In the New Testament one would be hard pressed to find much explicit instructions on how to parent. Why should there be. Just follow in the footsteps of your heavenly Parent. About all you will find explicitly about parenting is in Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21 that says: “Parents, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Basically, Paul advises: “Parents, don’t piss your children off.” Do not exasperate or provoke your children. How do parents provoke, incite, aggravate, hassle, needle, goad, irritate, inflame, rouse, and whip up the young people? There is not a parent who doesn’t know exactly how to do this. Said simply - everything that your parents did that made you mad because it was not a moral issue, stop!  Imagine a world where parents did not anger their children unnecessarily. Imagine if every parent realized control freaks are never in control. Imagine if every parent never tried to live their dreams out in children. Imagine if every parent loved unconditionally daily, hating the sin but loving the sinner. Imagine if every parent never took advantage of his or her position of authority, always staying calm and never excusing verbal or physical abuse.

 

Stop giving your children something to rebel against. Parents need to know when to back off or quit interfering and let children make their own decisions. What does it matter if you win the battle but lose the war?  Failure in a child’s life can be a valuable lesson. The consequences of provoking your children to wrath are greatest when children enter their teenage years. Teenagerism is not a plague. Parent must transition from caretaker to authority figure to mentor as a child matures. The mentor on occasion has to yield corrective authority, but a mentor is always looking to guide others toward learning lessons on his or her own. To mentor successfully, a parent must have a clear sense of what is right and wrong, making sure rules aren’t arbitrary or always personal. Parents must pick their battles, discerning between amoral and immoral battles.  Children aren’t to be possessed but raised to be independent. This one insight will spare you much rebellion and emotional pain. Children are to be raised to fulfill their dreams and not the parents. Parents owe children; children don’t owe parents. We chose to bring them in the world; they didn’t choose to be born. Don’t worry though. When you don’t try to possess or over control children, they want to give back the love in return.

 

Morality is not in the way one dresses or the length of one’s hair, though I know kids can take it to the extreme. Be flexible. The emphasis of rules should be on character issues such as how the kids treat others and whether they are breaking the law. We all know that ultimately older children are responsible for their own behavior. Just because teenagers turn to drugs or other similar behaviors doesn’t mean the parents are to blame. But parents can play an important factor in their teenagers’ behaviors. All adults were once teenagers. They will testify there are certain behaviors their parents did that made matters worse. We all know there are certain bosses, friends, etc., that can inspire us to do the right thing. It is no different with parents and teenagers. Wise parents are always looking for options to give so a child doesn’t feel provoked to rebel, always evaluating when to back off and allow the child to make their own decisions and experience failures when needed.

 

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