Married With Benefits

Married With Benefits

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Season 1, Episode 1: Why Is He So Interested in Sex?

Featured Host: Air Date:

Shaunti Feldhahn April 1, 2019

Brian: From the FamilyLife Podcast Network this is Married With Benefits. I'm Brian Goins on a relentless pursuit to help you love the one you're with and discover all the benefits that came with saying, "I do."

Ladies, if a Harvard-trained researcher dug into your husband's brain what do you think she'd find? Don't answer that. But in the season of Married With Benefits we've got best-selling author and Harvard-trained researcher, Shaunti Feldhahn answering questions we know you're thinking but just aren't sure who to ask. In fact, this first episode we tackle a big one: Why is my husband is so interested in sex?

Shaunti: I knew you were going to start off with one of the big controversial ones.

Brian: I may as well try to get listeners. We have no listeners to this point. So...

You've done some incredible research on this topic. You're a speaker. You've gone out and talked to many women and have heard first-hand about how, especially, the book For Women Only has impacted them; how it really unlocked, I think, a generation of women that were feeling this need: "Man, my husband is like a Pandora's Box. I don't know how to open it; I don't have the key!"

Shaunti: That's a great image!

Brian: You gave us the key. It's been out for--what?--ten years now.

Shaunti: Yes, twelve years. Yes.

Brian: Twelve years now, and you said the subtitle, you feel, is what made a real difference.

Shaunti: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men.

Brian: Yes.

Shaunti: Yes.

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Brian: Well, I want to get into what we're going to talk about today in this podcast. I think about this topic, For Women Only, and just the idea of the questions that every wife tends to ask.

Shaunti: Yes.

Brian: Because you wrote the book, but yet there are still questions that come up and things we want to understand. So we want to use this, really, as a launch pad for the questions that come up, whether it's at conferences that you're speaking at or that I'm attending. Let's talk about this!

Shaunti: Yes.

Brian: So we're going to kick it off with, I think, a tantalizing one: Why does my husband seem to always want sex? Now, I say that, and I realize there are women in the audience who are saying, "I wish my husband felt that way." Right?

Shaunti: Yes, correct.

Brian: So we're going to talk first--and we'll address that, maybe, a little later, but we want to talk--to what most women are feeling: "Gosh, it seems like for my husband, that's all he's thinking about!"

Shaunti: It's about 75% of women.

Brian: 75%.

Shaunti: Yes; it depends on the study you look at.

Brian: Okay. So why is that? Do you get that question a lot?

Shaunti: All of the time! I'm sure you guys do, too, you know? Here at FamilyLife.

Brian: Right.

Shaunti: "What it is behind it?" Now any man listening in is thinking, "What do you mean, `Why am I so interested in sex!?'" I mean, for a guy, it's totally self-evident.

Brian: I get it. I can't explain it, but I feel it.

Shaunti: Exactly. And here is, honestly, the dynamic that we women miss. We just don't understand it. It's because we're wired so differently, which we can talk about.

Brian: Yes.

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Shaunti: Because I think it will be helpful for us to understand the differences between the two of us. Because we're wired so differently, we automatically have this pretty substantial misunderstanding about what it means to him.

Brian: Yes.

Shaunti: We think of it as being primarily a physical need.

Brian: Right. "He's just horny all the time."

Shaunti: That's a great way of putting it.

Brian: "Why is he so horny?"

Shaunti: And women say, "I'm tired!!"

Brian: Right.

Shaunti: "I've had a really long day."

Brian: Yes.

Shaunti: "Why on earth aren't you tired?" And Jeff always says--we do these marriage conferences, and he always tells the men when we talk about this subject: "Look! I can be really tired as a guy, but if Shaunti shows the slightest bit of interest, I can rally."

[Laughter]

So we're thinking, "Why is that?!" You know?

Brian: Take one for the team, Jeff.

Shaunti: Absolutely. All of the guys say, "Yes!" But it really, honestly, becomes (for women) anywhere from puzzling to frustrating to--can we be honest since we're talking to women?--feeling like a demand; a selfish thing on his part. Now, if a guy were listening to me say that, he'd think, "What!?"

Brian: Yes.

Shaunti: Because that feels really bad, and here's why: it's because it's not primarily a physical need for him, although that's a piece of it that we should probably talk about. But actually, primarily, for him, his need, and what it means to him, is primarily an emotional need; a pretty huge emotional need, actually.

And it's one that can't be met any other way. It's the need that every man has to feel that his wife desires him, and to feel that he is desirable and that she wants him

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sexually. If he feels, "She desires me. I'm desirable," it actually really speaks to this selfdoubt that we, as women, don't know is in the heart of most men anyway.

Brian: Yes, I heard somebody say, "Not only do I always feel I'm insecure as a man. I feel I'm desperately insecure."

Shaunti: Yes. A lot of women say, "What!?" They have a hard time believing you on that.

Brian: Yes.

Shaunti: And we'll address that, because that's a really important thing to explore all on its own. We don't realize that you big, strong men have that insecurity, but because that's in there, it really does mean that, "Feeling like my wife desires me" goes straight to the core of that. And, suddenly, it gives him a sense of confidence and this, really, sense of wellbeing, like "Everything is right with the world."

Brian: Yes.

Shaunti: That confidence and that sense of wellbeing is not just in the bedroom where we women might think it is, but it actually translates to how he feels about himself in every other area of his life. We actually found, in the research for this--We should probably explain that this is all based on these big research studies.

Brian: Right. This isn't just your gut and your intuition.

Shaunti: Right. These are these big, very expensive, long-lasting research studies on men of all demographics; all ages; all religious backgrounds; all races; etc. One of the very common dynamics is that the men said, "You know, what happens in the bedroom absolutely impacts how I feel about myself the next day at the office."

Brian: Wow! So what you're saying there is that it's meeting this need that transcends the bedroom.

Shaunti: Yes, and building him up in a very specific way.

Brian: Yes.

Shaunti: That is in the bedroom, but it transcends it emotionally.

Brian: Yes, because it's not like, "Okay, now that I've done the act, it's done."

Shaunti: Right.

Brian: That's not really it. "Okay, now's he's satisfied." No! It spills over into every part of life.

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Shaunti: Well, this is what I was about to say, but I totally lost the thread.

Brian: Sorry!

Shaunti: No, no; it was my fault. The research--the reason I explained it is that we actually asked the men that question.

Brian: Yes.

Shaunti: We said, "You know, suppose that your wife offered all the sex that you wanted, but did it kind of as if she were doing it just because she's married and she kind of has to." You know?

Brian: Yes.

Shaunti: "Would you be satisfied? Would that meet the need?" 97% of men said, "No."

Brian: Wow.

Shaunti: 97%!

Brian: That's significant. Don't they call it "statistically significant?"

Shaunti: Yes, that would be way more than statistically significant! I mean, that's enormous. That's almost universal.

Brian: Yes.

Shaunti: And it basically means that, for us as women, we kind of have to confront a really, really common feeling that we have. It's really one of those examples of taking every thought captive. It's really one of those examples of allowing our minds to be transformed. Again, and I hate to say this out loud, but this is all women (except for you).

Brian: Right.

Shaunti: Because it's all women, we can be really honest. You know, I can't really say this in quite this way in a marriage conference, because the men would be really depressed to hear this, but there is something in the heart of a woman that sometimes kind of feels like, "Okay, you know what? This is important to him, so I'll do my duty."

Brian: Right.

Shaunti: "I know this is important to him." And it's important to us, too! It's just that we're wired so differently (which we need to talk about).

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