Skill Centre – Learning Made Easy



INTRODUCTION

Emotions have never been completely welcome in our work lives. Most of us have traditionally been conditioned to leave emotions “at home”, believing that, to be effective, we need to base all our team strategies and decisions only upon cold, logical, “intelligence”.

And yet, as we all know, emotions are a fundamental part of who we are, and of working with others. They can’t be left out of the picture. In fact, to do so often guarantees that suppressed emotions will flare, causing increased conflict and impacting climate and morale.

But what if we were to view emotions in a different way altogether, as another kind of “intelligence”, beyond reason and logic? An intelligence that – if we could learn to access it – could become nothing short of a touchstone to greater collaboration, a higher level of influence with others, more productivity and effectiveness.

As the pace of workplace change increases, and our workplaces make ever greater demands on our cognitive, emotional, and physical resources, emotional intelligence will continue to emerge, not as something “nice” to have, but as an increasingly important set of “must-have” skills.

Today’s organisations have changed with the advances of technology and wider dissemination of information. Instead of hierarchical pyramids with leaders at the top commanding and controlling the workforce, more and more organisations are flatter.

Consequently, employees need to be able to lead themselves. They must be self-motivated self-starters who are able to work well with others in groups. This is hard to do without a strong showing of emotional intelligence.

Business emphasis shifts from technical tasks to building consensus, from “do-as-I-say” management to independent problem solving and out-of-the-box thinking. Organisations can no longer afford to have employees check their emotions at the door - balancing the heart and head is now essential for getting ahead in business.

It has been said that the furthest distance known is the distance form from the mind to the heart. By learning and utilising EI, organisations will be able to shorten that distance, and create teams of astonishing capacity and effectiveness.

Isn’t it time you harnessed the power of emotions in the service of your team’s goals?

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE QUIZ

|This Emotional Intelligence Quiz is provided with compliments of Emotional Intelligence |

|Services. |

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Directions: The following 10-question quiz is designed to give you a general idea of how much you currently know about being emotionally intelligent. It will take about five minutes to complete.

Circle the answer which reflects what you would do in that situation. When you are finished, the trainer will go over the scoring process with you and help you interpret your results.

WHEN IT COMES TO EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, HOW SAVVY ARE YOU?

1) You are on an airplane that suddenly hits extremely bad turbulence and begins rocking from side to side. What do you do?

a) Continue to read your book or magazine, or watch the movie, trying to pay little attention to the turbulence.

b) Become vigilant for an emergency, carefully monitoring the stewardesses and reading the emergency instructions card.

c) A little of both a and b.

d) Not sure – never noticed.

2) You are in a meeting when a colleague takes credit for work that you have done. What do you do?

a) Immediately and publicly confront the colleague over the ownership of your work.

b) After the meeting, take the colleague aside and tell her that you would appreciate in the future that she credits you when speaking about your work.

c) Nothing, it’s not a good idea to embarrass colleagues in public.

d) After the colleague speaks, publicly thank her for referencing your work and give the group more specific detail about what you were trying to accomplish.

3) You are a customer service representative and have just gotten an extremely angry client on the phone. What do you do?

a) Hang-up. It doesn’t pay to take abuse form anyone.

b) Listen to the client and rephrase what you gather he is feeling.

c) Explain to the client that he is being unfair, that you are only trying to do your job, and you would appreciate it if he wouldn’t get in the way of this.

d) Tell the client you understand how frustrating this must be for him, and offer a specific thing you can do to help him get his problem resolved.

4) You are a college student who had hoped to get an A in a course that was important for your future career aspirations. You have just found out you go a C- on the midterm. What do you do?

a) Sketch out a specific plan for ways to improve your grade and resolve to follow through.

b) Decide you do not have what it takes to make it in that career.

c) Tell yourself it really doesn’t matter how you do in the course, concentrate instead on other classes where your grades are higher.

d) Go see the professor and try to talk her into giving you a better grade.

5) You are a manager in an organisation that is trying to encourage respect for racial and ethnic diversity. You overhear someone telling a racist joke. What do you do?

a) Ignore it. The best way to deal with these things is not to react.

b) Call the person into your office and explain that their behavior is inappropriate, and grounds for disciplinary action if repeated.

c) Speak up on the spot, saying that such jokes are inappropriate and will not be tolerated in your organisation.

d) Suggest to the person telling the joke he go through a diversity training program.

6) You are an insurance salesman calling on prospective clients. You have left the last 15 clients empty-handed. What do you do?

a) Call it a day and go home early to miss rush-hour traffic.

b) Try something new in the next call, and keep plugging away.

c) List your strengths and weaknesses to identify what may be undermining your ability to sell.

d) Sharpen up your resume.

7) You are trying to calm down a colleague who has worked herself into a fury because the driver of another car has cut dangerously close in front of her. What do you do?

a) Tell her to forget about it – she’s OK now and it is no big deal.

b) Put on one of her favourite tapes and try to distract her.

c) Join her in criticising the other driver.

d) Tell her about a time something like this happened to you, and how angry you felt, until you saw the other driver was on the way to the hospital.

8) A discussion between you and your partner has escalated into a shouting match. You are both upset and in the heat of the argument, start making personal attacks which neither of you really mean. What is the best thing to do?

a) Agree to take a 20-minute break before continuing the discussion.

b) Go silent, regardless of what your partner says.

c) Say you are sorry, and ask your partner to apologise too.

d) Stop for a moment, collect your thoughts, then restate your side of the case as precisely as possible.

9) You have been given the task of managing a team that has been unable to come up with a creative solution to a work problem. What is the first thing that you do?

a) Draw up an agenda, call a meeting and allot a specific period of time to discuss each item.

b) Organise an off-site meeting aimed specifically at encouraging the team to get to know each other better.

c) Begin by asking each person individually for ideas about how to solve the problem.

d) Start out with a brainstorming session, encouraging each person to say whatever comes to mind, no matter how wild.

10) You have recently been assigned a young manager in your team, and have noticed that he appears to be unable to make the simplest of decisions without seeking advice from you. What do you do?

a) Accept that he “does not have what it takes to succeed around here” and find others in your team to take on his tasks.

b) Get an HR Manager to talk to him about where he sees his future in the organisation.

c) Purposely give him lots of complex decisions to make so that he will become more confident in the role.

d) Engineer an ongoing series of challenging but manageable experiences for him, and make yourself available to act as his mentor.

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|SCORING YOUR EI QUIZ |

|Compare the answers you checked on your quiz to the list below. Determine the number of points associated with |

|the answer you gave and enter this number in the right hand column of your scoring sheet. Total your points at |

|the bottom of the page. |

|1) A = 10 | |6) A = 0 | |

|B = 10 | |B = 10 | |

|C = 10 | |C = 5 | |

|D = 0 |------------ points |D = 0 |------------ points |

|2) A = 0 | |7) A = 0 | |

|B = 5 | |B = 0 | |

|C = 0 | |C = 5 | |

|D = 10 |------------ points |D = 10 |------------ points |

|3) A = 0 | |8) A = 10 | |

|B = 5 | |B = 0 | |

|C = 0 | |C = 0 | |

|D = 10 |------------ points |D = 0 |------------ points |

|4) A = 10 | |9) A = 0 | |

|B = 0 | |B = 10 | |

|C = 5 | |C = 0 | |

|D = 0 |------------ points |D = 5 |------------ points |

|5) A = 0 | |10) A = 0 | |

|B = 5 | |B = 5 | |

|C = 10 | |C = 0 | |

|D = 5 |------------ points |D = 10 |------------ points |

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| | | |

| | | |

| | |----------Total points |

FEEDBACK ON THE EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE QUIZ

1. The turbulent Airplane:

Anything but D. That answer reflects a lack of awareness of your habitual responses under stress. Actively acknowledging your stress and finding ways to calm yourself (i.e. engage in a book or read the emergency card) are healthier responses.

2. The Credit-Stealing Colleague:

The most emotionally intelligent answer is D. By demonstrating an awareness of workplace dynamics, and an ability to control your emotional responses, publicly recognising your own accomplishments in a non-threatening manner will disarm your colleague, as well as put you in a better light with your manager and peers. Public confrontations can be ineffective, are likely to cause your colleague to become defensive, and may look like poor sportsmanship on your part. Although, less threatening, private confrontations are also less effective in that they will not help your personal reputation.

3. The Angry Client:

The most emotionally intelligent answer is D. Empathising with the customer will help calm him down; focusing back on a solution will ultimately help the customer attain his needs. Confronting a customer or becoming defensive tends to anger the customer even more.

4. The ‘C’ Midterm:

The most emotionally intelligent answer is A. A key indicator of self-motivation, also known as Achievement motivation, is your ability to form a plan for overcoming obstacles to achieve long-term goals. While focusing efforts on classes where you have a better opportunity may sometimes be productive, if the goal was to learn the content of the course to help your long-term career objectives, you are unlikely to achieve.

5. The Racist Joke:

The most emotionally intelligent answer is C. The most effective way to create an atmosphere that welcomes diversity, is to make clear in public that the social norms of your organisation do not tolerate such expressions. Confronting the behaviour privately lets the individual know the behaviour is unacceptable, but does not communicate it to the team. Instead of trying to change prejudices (a much harder task), keep people from acting on them.

6. The Setback of a Salesman:

The most emotionally intelligent answer is B. Optimism and taking the initiative, both indicators of Emotional Intelligence, lead people to see setbacks as challenges they can learn form. It also leads them to persist, trying out new approaches rather than giving up, blaming themselves or getting demoralised. Although listing your strengths and weaknesses can be a helpful exercise, without actively plugging away, motivation to sell will tend to decrease.

7. The Road-Rage Colleague:

The most emotionally intelligent answer is D. All research shows that anger and rage seriously affect one’s ability to perform effectively. Daniel Goleman, in his book, Working with Emotional Intelligence, coined the phrase “amygdale hijacking” to describe the process of losing one’s temper in this kind of situation. Your ability to avoid or control this emotional reaction in yourself and others, is a key indicator of emotional intelligence. In the road rage scenario, any attempt to calm down your colleague by distracting her away from the effects of the amygdale hijack will have a positive impact on the situation and her behavior – particularly if you are able to effectively empathise with her.

8. The Shouting Match:

The most emotionally intelligent answer is A. In these circumstances, the most appropriate behaviour is to take a 20-minute break. As the argument has intensified, so have the physiological responses in your nervous system, to the point at which it will take at least 20 minutes to clear your body of these emotions of anger and arousal. Any other course of action is likely merely to aggravate an already tense and uncontrolled situation.

9. The Uninspired Team:

The most emotionally intelligent answer is B. As a leader of a group of individuals charged with developing a creative solution, your success will depend on the climate that you can create in your project team. Creativity is likely to by stifled by structure and formality; instead, creative groups perform at their peaks when rapport, harmony and comfort levels are most high. In these circumstances, people are most likely to make the most positive contributions to the success of the project.

10. The Indecisive Young Manager:

The most emotionally intelligent answer is D. Managing others requires high levels of emotional intelligence, particularly if you are going to be successful in maximising the performance of your team. Often, this means that you need to tailor your approach to meet the specific needs of the individual, and provide them with support and feedback to help them grow in confidence and capability.

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?

First, lets look at what emotional intelligence is not. Emotional intelligence is not about being nice all the time. It’s about being honest. Emotional intelligence is not about being touchy-feely. It’s about being aware of feelings, yours and others’. And emotional intelligence is not about being emotional. It’s about being smart with your emotions. It’s knowing how to use your passions to motivate yourself and others. And it’s knowing how to keep your distressing emotions under control.

So, now, what is emotional intelligence? According to the pioneers in the field, John Mayer and Peter Salovey, emotional intelligence is “a type of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ emotions, to distinguish among them, and to use the information to guide one’s thinking and actions.” Or, more simply, emotional intelligence is knowing how we and others feel, why we feel that way, and what can be done about it. EI is our ability to understand and use the power of our emotions wisely. It’s learning the difference between “I think” and “I feel,” and hearing the difference when others say it.

According to Emily A Sterrett, emotional intelligence refers to “the array of personal management and social skills that allows one to succeed in the workplace and life in general”.

Just as importantly, emotional intelligence is learning to manage our emotions rather than letting them control us. The thing to remember is that emotions are not good or bad. Emotions are information. By listening to them, we can use our IQ more effectively because we reason better when our feelings are taken into account. They give us valuable information we can’t get anywhere else.

What are the results of higher emotional intelligence on the job? A better work environment, happier and more loyal employees and clients, and a stronger bottom line.

So how do we learn to raise our level of emotional intelligence? Is there a quick fix? An instant solution? We wish!

“Many aspects of emotional intelligence involve skills”, says Peter Salovey. “Skills that we need to practice, skills that only become automatic through practice. And that takes time. There’s no pill for emotional intelligence. It’s an ongoing process”.

That process has been distilled into five essential competencies, which build upon each other to raise our level of emotional intelligence. Those five competencies are:

• Self-Awareness

• Self-Regulation

• Self-Motivation

• Empathy

• Effective Relationships

THE FIVE COMPETENCIES OF

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

The following section presents all five competency areas of emotional intelligence. After each summary, you’ll find methods for building your skills in each competency.

• Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is the cornerstone – the foundation – that supports all of the other emotional intelligence competencies. It must come first, because if we don’t know ourselves and what we’re feeling, how can we possibly know or understand someone else and how they feel?

Self-awareness is knowing what drives us and what we’re passionate about. It leads to jobs that make us happy, where we’ll be more productive. It leads to relationships, both working and personal, where we’ll be more constructive and positive. And it leads to lives that are more honest, which will make us more satisfied.

The more we know about ourselves, the better we are able to control and choose what kind of behaviours we’ll display in a work setting. Self-awareness is about knowing where we are now and where we want to go, so that we’ll be willing to change to get us there.

Without self-awareness, our emotions can blind us and guide us to do things or to become people we really don’t want to be. If we are aware of our feelings and thoughts, we can choose how we will act or react in a given situation or to a certain person. With this choice comes power. The kind of intrinsic power that no one can take away from us.

To become more self-aware, you must:

Learn the difference between thoughts and feelings.

It is extremely important to know the difference between “I think” and “I feel” if you are to know yourself better. Practice asking yourself, “Is it a feeling or a thought driving that conclusion?” For example, “I think the new phone system costs too much” and “I feel concerned about taking on another project.”

Ask yourself how you’re feeling throughout the day and be honest.

Your heart races, you blush or you’re short of breath – each of these is usually a gut reaction. Ask yourself, “What is the feeling behind it?” Name that feeling – fear, anxiety, eagerness. Even if it may be painful – don’t let up, because it is better to face the pain now than to rationalise it away and have it come back to haunt you later.

Be open to input form from others.

Friends and associates can often enlighten us about our behaviour. Ask co-workers for feedback on how you come across – whether you seem “authentic” and honest about yourself.

“SELF-AWARENESS”

NAME THAT FEELING

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EXERCISE 1

When we feel emotional reactions to situations, we don’t always realise what is behind that reaction. It’s important to stop and ask yourself “Why do I feel tense?” and to identify the feeling behind it.

Directions: Read the list below and write down what you would be feeling if you were in that situation. There is a range to our emotions, so be specific (For example, “mad” might really be “frustrated”, “angry”, “enraged”, “furious”, or “disappointed”). And remember, you may have more than one feeling, so list all of them.

1. No empty parking place _________________________________________________________________

2. A slow line at the grocery store ___________________________________________________________

3. A surprise birthday party for you __________________________________________________________

4. Making a presentation to upper management ________________________________________________

5. Receiving an unexpected bonus in your paycheck _____________________________________________

6. No rental cars available, even though you reserved one ________________________________________

7. A phone call from an old friend ____________________________________________________________

8. Leaving on a trip to Tahiti tomorrow _______________________________________________________

9. Being told on Friday that you need to work on the weekend ____________________________________

10. Sudden rainstorm and you’re wearing your best suit __________________________________________

Now, either with a partner or with the trainer as a group, examine what could be the consequences of some of these emotions. For example, “When I get frustrated over not finding a parking place, it puts me in a bad mood for the morning meeting…”

• Man is inherently a goal-seeking (teleological) creature who can only achieve personal fulfillment through striving for a succession of goals.

• The unhappiest person in the world is the person who has achieved all of his/her goals.

• The greatest goal in life is to so use your life that the use of your life outlives your life.

• Psychology is not so much the study of man as he is today, but a study of the principles, laws and facts of man’s possible evolution and his future ‘potential’

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PHYSICAL SELF - SENSES, BODY, BRAIN, MUSCLES, NERVES, ORGANS

BASIC NEEDS - FOOD, SLEEP, AIR, EXERCISE, RELAXATION

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EMOTIONAL SELF - EMOTIONS, FEELINGS, MOODS, EMPATHY, TRUST

BASIC NEEDS - EMOTIONAL STIMULATION, LOVE, HOPE,

COMPANIONSHIP, RELATIONSHIPS

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MENTAL SELF - THOUGHTS, BELIEFS, THINKING, INTUITION,

DECISION-MAKING, MEMORY

BASIC NEEDS - MENTAL STIMULATION, IDEAS, PROBLEMS, BOOKS,

PERCEPTIONS, ACHIEVEMENTS

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The power of the Mind (Mental Self / Emotional Self) to conceive of higher goals, and to hold them in view at every test of temptation, is the key to developing a strong will-power.

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WILL-POWER FOOD - VISUALISATION, STRONG DESIRES, DELAYED

GRATIFICATION, HIGHER GOALS, CONSTANT

PRACTICE

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Spiritual food is that which feeds the inner core of the soul to develop a closer walk with God. The SPIRIT needs Physical Quiet, Emotional Quiet to emerge from the depths of the Soul. It needs glimpses of the Glory of God through an appreciation of the highest renderings of Gods’ presence through art, music, literature, Cathedrals and the magnificent wonders of nature. Most of all, it requires the practice of the presence of God through service to others.

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SPIRITUAL FOOD - GOD, SILENCE, MEANING IN LIFE, BEAUTY, FAITH,

SERVICE TO OTHERS

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People behave in accordance with their deeply-held beliefs, whether valid

or invalid, true of false.

The degree of your self development is limited only by the self

constructed beliefs of your mind.

One of the saddest outcomes of growing up is that people rapidly lose the childhood wonder and excitement of learning new things and acquiring new skills. The rate at which a person learns in the first few years of life is never repeated or matched in later life, as the mind of the child is rapidly closed-in by the good-intentioned, but often negative advice and impressions peer groups and authority figures – namely:

|* PARENTS |* TEACHERS |

|* PLAYMATES |* SUNDAY SCHOOL / CHURCH |

|* NEIGHBOURS |* SCHOOL FRIENDS |

|* COLLEAGUES |* PEER GROUPS |

In the early growing years, the mind is fragile and very receptive to all positive and negative criticism, encouragement and discouragement with which it is bombarded. Since the critical mental faculties are not well-developed in the early years, the mind tends to accept what it is told, particularly all the negative and limiting impressions which crystalise into deeply held beliefs.

In acquiring new skills and knowledge for the first time, the risk of failure is very high. Children accept this as part of the learning experience. As we grow older, one becomes much more sensitive to failure and its consequences (e.g. ridicule, rejection) and so tends to avoid situations which could result in failure. Very quickly the mind becomes a ‘closed box’ and the source of our ‘comfort zones’ i.e.

‘Comfort zone’ - habitual patterns of thinking and behaviour which allows one to conduct his/her life in a risk-free manner, but renders one

incapable of attempting new learning activities.

The self-constructed mental prisons inhibit any real growth and lead to stultified and restricted lives.

Thus the principal barriers to self-development are largely self-imposed, namely:

- Negative belief structures accumulated through the early years of development

‘I am not good looking’

‘I am not good at maths’

‘I am not athletic’

‘I am not musical’

And so on

- Mental barriers acquired through poor study habits, or bad learning experiences

- poor writing skills,

- poor numeracy skills,

- poor thinking skills,

and so on

- Social barriers resulting form fear of criticism form colleagues, friends, and neighbours

- appearing foolish in front of friends

- going against social norms

and so on

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• What do I choose to believe?

• Does this belief limit or support me?

• Do my beliefs turn on or shut off possibilities?

• Do they move me towards failure or success?

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Self-esteem circles

‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’ (Eleanor Roosevelt)

High self-esteem is important to enjoy a successful and quality life. It is therefore vital that we take charge and create a personal esteem that will enhance the level of performance in everything that we do.

Short Term

Pamper yourself:

• Have a good meal

• A relaxing bath

• Listen to your favourite music

• Take time to rest, have a good sleep

• Exercise

• Give yourself a treat

• Seek the company of someone positive

• Plan a balanced day

Long Term

Build all these into your life:

• Acknowledge your rights

• Look after your needs

• Express your feelings and opinions

• Care for yourself physically and emotionally

• Repeat positive affirmations

• Recognise your positive qualities

• Acknowledge your achievements

• Expect success

• Be yourself

• Live your life as you want to be not as others expect you to be

• Let go of things that hold you back in life (thoughts and possessions)

• Reduce the time you spend with negative people

• Seek the company of people who encourage you to feel good

• Accept your limitations

• Set and act on your goals

• Plan and balance your time between work and leisure

• Be present and enjoy the moment

Expecting yourself to be perfect is a setup for failure. But expecting yourself to be better is motivation for self-improvement. Be gentle and loving with yourself as this is a gradual, cumulative process.

• Phone or see a positive, trusted friend or colleague.

• Start the day off on a good note. (E.g. Herbal bath, wholesome breakfast)

• Express your feelings (offload) to someone who is pleased to listen and be supportive in a constructive way.

• Plan the day the night before, setting yourself achievable goals.

• Give yourself positive affirmations that lift your spirits.

• Ask: ‘What is the worst thing that could happen if…?’ and prepare yourself.

• Give someone a sincere compliment

• Stressed? Re-schedule your day so that you don’t put too much pressure on yourself, yet you have enough targets to get your adrenaline going.

• Enhance your appearance and sense of well-being. Take extra care of your grooming today and dress in something you feel very comfortable in.

• Do some vigorous exercise – it’s a great energiser.

• Indecisive? Make a decision!

• If you’re worried about something, take steps towards solving it instead of contemplating the problem.

• Remind yourself of your achievements in life (personal and career).

• Write down a goal in life, even if it seems like a dream. List three steps towards achieving it and take the first step.

• Plan an exciting short trip or a holiday.

• Allow some time for yourself, alone.

• Too much to do? Delay, dump or delegate!

• Give yourself a special treat

• Self-Regulation

While the first step is self-awareness – to listen and learn from our gut feelings – the second step is to regulate those feelings and manage them so they do more good than harm. Our passions can be contagious and energise others, but our ranting and ravings can damage work relations beyond repair. Checking those emotions is what self-regulation is all about. It’s giving the rational side time to temper our feelings when needed.

When we are angry, we cannot make good decisions and often react inappropriately by blowing an incident out of proportion. We lose our perspective. By learning to manage our emotions, we become more adaptable and innovative in stressful situations.

Self-regulation helps us act intentionally rather than reactively. When we strive to be intentional, we mean what we say rather than spouting off without thinking, and later regretting the impulsive act. Those employees who are good at self-regulation and manage their emotions well are very good in their mood management. They handle stress well, their communication is frequent and consistent, and they tend to offer more feedback to co-workers.

Here are some tips to help you with self-regulation:

Monitor your self-talk.

Often we use negative self-talk because we work out of fear instead of power. This leads to a distorted perspective of what is going on. Working out of fear leads to making very poor choices or no choices at all, which makes us feel like a victim. Awareness, on the other hand, leads to accepting responsibility, making choices and, usually, resulting in appropriate action. Consequently, there is a feeling of empowerment.

Accept responsibility for your emotional responses in the workplace.

When you’re willing to be accountable, you are acknowledging your own power.

Anticipate emotional “triggers” and prepare to manage them.

We all have things that we dread doing – quarterly reports, billing customers, too many meetings, things that can set us off. Know what gets to you and defuse the situation in advance through planning and preparation. Give yourself more time, a quiet place to work, soothing music – whatever will calm you and prevent the trigger form from being set off.

Reframe an irritating situation into a problem-solving exercise.

When you encounter a situation that provokes an undesirable emotional response, decrease your anger by focusing on the behaviour. Reframe it to make the behaviour the problem, and not the person. Then think about what you can do to defuse that behaviour or to minimise how much it bothers you the next time.

Use humour!

While other people get upset, try to find something funny to laugh about. It will boost your mood, help you use your IQ more effectively, and will make you less critical of others.

Never underestimate the power of taking deep breaths.

Increasing the flow of oxygen to the brain eases tension, clarifies thinking and has a relaxing effect on our psyche and body. It also gives you a moment to collect your thoughts and to think before you speak.

Remove yourself from the situation and keep moving.

There are major benefits in distancing yourself from a bad situation and re-directing your energy into a new activity, whether it’s clearing off your desk, checking your e-mail, re-organising your shelves or taking a quick walk around the building. Any of these can help you regain your perspective, increase your alertness and re-energise you before returning to work.

“SELF-REGULATION”

WHAT ARE YOU TELLING YOURSELF LATELY?

EXERCISE 2

Self-talk is very revealing. What you tell yourself goes immediately to your subconscious where it increases or decreases your anger or other emotions. Repeated negative self-talk leads to exaggerated and irrational thinking.

Directions: Make a check in the left-hand column next to any of the following remarks that you have said to yourself recently.

( They always take me for granted___________________________________________________

( I’m always late _________________________________________________________________

( No one ever helps me ____________________________________________________________

( Everyone gets paid more than I do __________________________________________________

( No one ever listens to me _________________________________________________________

( It’ll always be this way ____________________________________________________________

( Everything I do gets messed up _____________________________________________________

( I never get the credit I deserve _____________________________________________________

Now that you are more aware of your self-talk, ask yourself why you say those things? Remember the law of attraction: Whatever we focus on is what we attract. To the right of each remark, list some questions that you could ask to help you change to become less negative. (e.g. If you are late, why are you late? Are you only late to meetings? Be more specific and less general).

Decide what you need to STOP doing, START doing, and CONTINUE to do.

Ask yourself: Does it serve me? What end result do I want?

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• Visualise a new picture of yourself.

• Be your own best friend

• Introduce your own slogan here.

• Create a personal purpose

• Create a life vision

• Enhance your self esteem

• Write your own eulogy

ADOPT THE MOTTO LIFELONG LEARNING AND EARNING

DEVELOP MINDPOWER / AUTO SUGGESTIONS

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For easy reference, I summarised a number of suggestions and tips to boost your self-esteem based upon a book by Lynda Filed (1997).

1. Say positive things about yourself

2. Be your own best friend

3. Make a list of positive affirmations

4. Expect the best

5. Balance yourself

6. Congratulate yourself

1. Change your negative self-beliefs

2. Replace the word ‘problem’ with challenges’

3. Trust your intuition

4. Focus on your strengths

5. Break a habit

6. Create something

1. ‘Smile’ and the whole world smiles with you

2. Avoid negative people

3. Associate with successful people

4. Tell someone how much you appreciate them

5. Be assertive

6. Forgive someone

SELF-ESTEEM IS THE REPUTATION YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF – IT IS YOUR MOST PRECIOUS ASSET

|“To manage others effectively, you must first be able to manage yourself. |

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|To manage yourself, you must know yourself. |

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|To know yourself is the fundamental goal of life.” |

Only 1 person in 1008 is born to be a leader, the majority are by nature and temperament content to follow and support effective leaders. In the same way, not everyone is able to perform effectively as a good manager, but are able to obtain both personal and career fulfillment through the development of their specialist skills and talents. This course is designed to help you decide whether or not you have what it takes to be a competent manager.

A useful definition of Self Management is the following: -

Self-Management is the lifelong process for achieving meaningful personal goals, in each of the various dimensions of self, through the development of one’s inherent talents and skills based upon sound values.

Management is the art of achieving objectives, through the optimisation of resources, by creating a degree of order, within a crisis-driven environment of inherent chaos.

A comparison of these definitions shows that they are not incompatible since management is an activity which runs throughout all aspects of Work and Life.

The basic building blocks of self-management are therefore the following: -

Lifelong process - self-management is an activity which every person

exercises, either consciously or unconsciously,

throughout their entire lives. It is not something

that is done for three months and then forgotten

about.

• Self-Motivation

Once we are aware of our feelings and have learned ways to manage them, the third step is to direct the power of our emotions towards a purpose that will motivate and inspire us. Self-motivation is about visualising the achievement of a goal and taking the necessary steps to get there.

Athletes use their emotions to psyche themselves up for competition. They consciously generate feelings to motivate themselves for the challenge-at-hand. The same technique is effective in the workplace to raise job performance.

People who do not like their jobs are unable to see through the mundane parts of their work to the ultimate goal of the project or task. Thus they are not committed. These are the employees who haven’t quit their job but they may as well have, because mentally and emotionally, they’re not there. Consequently, they’re fearful, they’re not resilient, and they resist change.

Employees who are highly self-motivated realise that every job has its less enjoyable elements, but they plow ahead. They can envision reaching the goal, which gives meaning to the mundane.

The strongly self-motivated workers also accept change and are more flexible. New twists and unexpected turns don’t bend them out of shape. They have better attitudes, take more initiative and do balanced risk taking. But most of all, self-motivated employees persist toward goals, despite obstacles and setbacks.

Various ways to bolster your self-motivation are:

Be aware of how you explain setback to yourself… Stay realistic.

Realise that you can control and choose what you are thinking and feeling. Identifying to what degree you are responsible for a setback, and how much other people or circumstances are responsible, affects how you follow through. Increase your persistence by keeping things in perspective.

Connect your goals with your values to get energised.

When you can tie your work to something that has meaning to you, and engage your emotions, then it is easier to build your momentum for work tasks. Keep your eyes on the goal and follow through, so you can enjoy the satisfaction of completing whatever project you’ve begun.

Strive for reaching a “flow” state while working on projects.

Achieving a “flow” mentality is to be completely consumed in the moment – unaware of the past or future – and being so focused on the task at hand that your brain is oblivious to everything else and becomes a “quiet mind” awash in adrenaline. This total absorption leads to performing to one’s best ability.

Visualisation.

By creating a vision of a challenging situation which you’ll be facing, you can experience the feelings as if you were actually going through it. Such practice helps prepare and calm you for the real event, as well as stir up your enthusiasm and instill confidence.

Keep learning!

Pursuit of knowledge will build on your areas of strength while improving those areas where you are weaker. By adding new tools to your collection, you’ll be more valuable and versatile.

“SELF-MOTIVATION”

EYE ON THE GOAL

EXERCISE 3

Every job has its mundane or unpleasant tasks, be it weekly reports, photocopying, or performance reviews. Yet they must be done to reach a greater goal. A big part of self-motivation in emotional intelligence is learning to connect in a positive way with everything that you’re doing.

Directions: After you fill out this worksheet, share it with your neighbour.

1. Identify a few aspects of your job which make you uncomfortable or bored:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. Why are each of these tasks important?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. How might you think about these tasks differently so that you can take greater satisfaction in doing them?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

• Empathy

Once we have become more honest and intentional with our emotions, it is time to look outward. Emotional intelligence is both tuning into our own feelings and tuning into the feelings of those around us. It means responding to others appropriately, with sensitivity and compassion.

Empathy is being able to see from another person’s perspective. It’s good to acknowledge other people’s emotions – sad, angry, ecstatic, puzzled – while still remembering that those are their emotions, not ours. We should try to understand where those feelings come from, but keep in mind that we are not responsible for them.

Empathy begins with listening. Someone who is empathetic listens and responds, and can’t help but display sensitivity and concern. This makes a connection with people. Individuals who lack empathy are more focused on their needs and pay little or no attention to anyone else’s. No connection is made.

Being attuned to customers’ or clients’ needs and emotional responses is particularly important in the service industries, where empathy comes into play at all levels: In reading clients’ cues, in working as a team of members from different departments, in working as a team with diverse cultural backgrounds and experiences. Empathy is the glue that will bind the group together to work successfully.

Some of the techniques for enhancing your empathy are:

Look for non-verbal cues, and listen for verbal ones.

Studies show that words account for only 7% of communication. Tone and speed of speech is 38% of the message, while 55% is unspoken and revealed through body language – posture, eye contact, facial expression and so on. Listen for verbal and non-verbal cues to gauge someone’s emotional response.

Share and be honest about your feelings.

Good communication leads to trust. The more open and willing you are to share your feelings, the more trust and openness you’ll inspire in others. The greater the trust in a corporate environment, the higher the performance.

Be consistent so that your spoken and unspoken messages match.

You want what you are saying to match what you are doing. This proves that you’re being honest, or authentic, which builds trust. For example, smile when you tell someone that you’re happy to see them, instead of frowning or looking away.

Take the kinder road whenever possible.

There are many ways to deliver opinions and criticism. You can be honest and still give positive feedback which increases confidence. Constructive feedback increases competence. Using both shows your employees that you truly meant to help them succeed.

Try to see from the other person’s perspective.

Empathy is about imagining what it would be like to walk in someone else’s shoes. Go ahead – give people the benefit of the doubt. We ought to assume that everyone is doing the best that they can with the resources they have at the moment.

“EMPATHY”

COMMUNICATING AT ALL LEVELS

EXERCISE 4

There are four levels of communication: superficial, fact, thought, and feeling. With some people, you never get past the first two levels. To increase your Emotional Intelligence and empathy, you want to reach that last level and share your feelings with others more openly so that they will open up and trust you, improving communication overall.

Directions: Break into groups of four. Each of you will have this worksheet. You will fill out the first line asking for a superficial comment. You will then pass your paper to the person on your right, while getting a new worksheet form the person on your left. Fill in Line Two where you will write down a fact. Continue passing the worksheets until all four lines are filled and your original paper comes back to you.

1. Superficial statement __________________________________________________

(Ex., “Hi” or “How you doing?”

2. State a Fact __________________________________________________________

(Ex., “It’s raining”)

3. Express a Thought ____________________________________________________

(Make sure that it is a thought!)

4. Share a Feeling _______________________________________________________

Read others’ comments on your sheet and see if you agree with their categorisation. Offer your best examples to the trainer for a group list on the flip chart. Consider how switching levels of communication can help others to manage their emotions. For example, if someone is very angry, it may help to switch from feelings to facts.

Appear willing. Be present!

Have attentive body language - Face the speaker.

Lean slightly forward.

Use appropriate facial expressions

Utilise good direct eye contact.

Use acknowledgement responses.

Re-affirm speaker’s message.

Make comments. Share your opinions. Continue the conversation.

Ask questions – To clarify and to stimulate additional information.

Pretend you are listening.

Criticise, judge or discriminate

Presume the subject is of no value

Get emotional

Create distractions

Interrupt

Hear what is expected

Be put off by poor delivery

• Effective Relationships

Mastering the abilities of self awareness, self regulation, self motivation and empathy pave the way for attaining a greater skill in effective relationships. This fifth competency is about interacting with people successfully and being adept at managing emotions in others.

The greatest pay-off for leaders who are good at effective relationships is becoming the kind of boss people want to work for. In this transitory time we live in, key staff will leave if they are unhappy. This would mean instability, discontinuity and disruption to the organisation, not to mention the added expense of hiring and training replacements.

With heightened social skills, leaders are better communicators and better collaborators. Current research indicates that more than anything else, leadership practices have the most impact on a work environment.

Some of the techniques for having more effective relationships are:

Share your passion and enthusiasm for your job and the organisation’s vision – it’s contagious!

The more employees hear your own excitement for a project or goal, the more they’ll be excited, too. Then their work has more meaning for them. Keep the vision visible.

Create an inspiring work environment.

If you have shown honesty, trust and appreciation toward your employees, you’ve created the perfect environment for them to do their best work.

Engage in creative brainstorming.

Not only is brainstorming good for generating fresh ideas, but the process builds rapport and trust among team members. This could smooth the way to future collaborations because of the creative bond that’s been formed.

Be willing to coach or mentor others and be open to being coached yourself.

This is the most important relationship skill in the workplace. By sharing your knowledge and expertise with other workers, you are bringing along the next generation. And by allowing someone to coach you, you’re showing that you’re receptive to others’ ideas and that you don’t “know it all”.

“EFFECTIVE RELATIONSHIPS”

ENTHUSIASM, IT’S CONTAGIOUS – PASS IT ON!

EXERCISE 5

There is something that excites you about your line of work. Is it a great established product or a new one coming out? Maybe it’s the expansion of the market or potential for wider distribution? Could it be your customers or the people you work with?

Directions: List the three things that most excite you about your job and explain why those aspects are so appealing.

1. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now break into pairs. Pretend you’re trying to recruit your partner to come work with you. Go through the points that you’ve listed and your explanations.

Then ask your teammate:

• Do you believe I was sincere?

• Do I seem genuinely excited or just like I am acting?

• Does my enthusiasm make you want to come work here?

“When the door of happiness closes, another opens:

but often we look so long at the closed door,

that we do not see the one

which has been opened for us”

- Hellen Keller

Make your communications as effective as possible. If you ask the right questions, you can direct communications to get answers that are genuinely helpful. Find solutions to problems rather than becoming bogged down in them.

For example, if you ask someone “What’s wrong?” you’ll get an answer… often a long one… which will focus on the problem. But if you ask “What do you want?” or “How would you like to change things?” you’ve redirected the conversation from the problem to the solution.

In every situation, no matter how dark or dismal, there’s a desirable outcome. You can convince people, including yourself, to focus on that outcome, by avoiding questions that ask “why” and choosing “how” or “what” questions instead.

E.g. Problem - _____________________________________________________

E.g. Solution - _____________________________________________________

“In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”

- Albert Einstein

”In the midst of winter,

I finally learned that there was in me an invincible spring.”

- Albert Camus

Aggressive commands

You should, ought, must, have to, can’t

These are aggressive commands. When you give them to someone else; you’re not leaving space to hear their point of view and therefore not fully respecting the other person. Instead, ask, “What do you want to do?”, or say “I’d like you to……”.

Powerless words

I should, ought to, must, have to

When you say these to yourself, you are giving yourself orders to do what you might not want to do. These are powerless words. It’s better to be in control and make conscious choices.

Disaster words

Useless, hopeless, dreadful, ghastly, awful, unbearable, horrible, terrible, horrendous, foul, hate it, can’t stand it

You’re unlikely to feel on top of the world if these melodramatics are part of your vocabulary. These are censored.

Hesitation and uncertainty

Maybe, perhaps, possibly, just, only

Using these make you sound uncertain of what you want and unconfident about saying it. Say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ instead of ‘maybe’, ‘perhaps’ or ‘possible’, and censor ‘just’, ‘only’, ‘It’s only my opinion’ (demeaning your opinion), ‘It’ll only take minute’ (apologising for taking someone’s time).

Exaggerations

Always and never, everyone and no one

If you ‘never get things right’ or you’re ‘always late’ you can start to believe it as a fact. The truth is it’s more likely to be ‘sometimes’. Telling someone else that they ‘never this’ and ‘always that’ could well pave the way for an argument. Do you think or say ‘No one likes me’ or ‘Everyone else is having a good time except me?’. Again these exaggerated thoughts aren’t going to give you a positive self-image. It’s more likely some people don’t like you and others do, and some people are having a good time, and sometimes you have a good time too!

Apologising for speaking before you start

‘Sorry but…..’, ‘It may not be important/relevant, but…..’ If you tell someone ‘It isn’t important’, they won’t expect it to be.

• I am …

•

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•

•

•

•

•

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•

•

•

“He is the wise man who does not grieve for things

he doesn’t have, but rejoices for those which he has.”

- Epictetus

Now that you know much more about the five competencies which increase our Emotional Intelligence, it’s time to think about how you’ll put them into action to raise your EQ.

Directions: Fill in the following blanks to create your own plan of action for when you return to work. Remember, you must be honest with yourself and engage your emotions, rather then keeping them at bay. With awareness comes responsibility – and by becoming fully aware, you make better decisions.

The most important thing I learned from the emotional intelligence training is ___________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Right now, I feel that I am strong in the competency of _____________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The emotional intelligence competency which I most want to work on is ________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Specific things that I will try to do to raise my emotional intelligence are:________________ _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________[pic][pic]

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CONTENTS

MODULE 1:

Introduction…………………………………………………………. Page 4

Emotional Intelligence Quiz……………………………………… Page 5-9

MODULE 2:

What is Emotional Intelligence?..……………………………… Page 10

MODULE 3:

The Five Competencies of EI

Self-awareness……………………………………………….. Page 11

Name that feeling - Exercise 1……………………………. Page 12

Building exercises……………………………………………. Page 13-20

Self-regulation……………………………………………….. Page 21-22

What are you telling yourself lately? - Exercise 2……. Page 23

Building exercises…………………………………………….. Page 24-26

Self-motivation……………………………………………….. Page 27 - 28

Eye on the goal - Exercise 3………………………………. Page 29

Empathy………………………………………………………… Page 30 - 31

Communicating at all levels - Exercise 4……………… Page 32

Building exercises……………………………………………. Page 33

Effective relationships……………………………………… Page 34

Enthusiasm, it’s contagious – pass it on! - Exercise 5 Page 35

Building exercises..…………………………………………… Page 36-38

Wrap-up exercise – A few new things I’ll do…………..…… Page 39

Additional reading material

Victim

The lower your self-esteem, the more you put yourself down, which lowers your self-esteem further

Exist for others

Super person

Low self-esteem

Accept put-downs

Put self down

Suppress feelings

Reject genuine praise

Give away your rights

Boredom

Take no risks – stay put, waiting

‘I don’t mind’

Deny yourself choice

Negative thinking

Accept all criticism

Self-denial

Give away power

• Self-esteem will help you cope with mistakes, rejection and disappointment

• Build strategies into your life

• Be positive about yourself

• Be a friend to yourself

Pessimism

Optimism

The higher your self-esteem, the more you empower yourself, which raises your self-esteem further

Express feelings

Accept genuine praise

Interest

Self-affirmations

Manage put-downs

Embrace your rights

In Control

High self-esteem

Realistic demands on yourself

Self-care

Positive thinking

Manage criticism

Take risks – move forward, initiating

Make decisions

Be yourself

Empower yourself

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