Introduction: Previous Paradigms of Midlife



The Art of Midlife:

Myths & New Realities

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Nancy McCaughey

Hudson Institute Coaching Certification

June 2003

Introduction: Previous Paradigms of Midlife

Many of the misunderstandings today about midlife have their roots in adult development models, often referred to as “stage theories,” that date back to the 1950s when life was more predictable and shorter, and midlife was merely a turning point between youth and old age.

◆ Carl Jung divided life into halves – the first half forming the ego and establishing oneself in the world and the second for finding a larger purpose for that. He saw the opportunity for fundamental change coming at about age 40; if it is seen as a time to develop, transformation will happen; if it is met with denial or fear, he predicted stagnation or decline.

◆ Eric Erickson, decades later, perceived each life stage marked by a task that must be accomplished in order for the individual to move on successfully to the next.

◆ Daniel Levinson, in the 70s, saw adult development as age specific and chronologically predictable, with one either in a stable period (life structures) or in a period of change (transitions.)

These linear assumptions linger as part of our culture due to the lack of research and the emphasis on youthfulness and misinformation about midlife through the media. “Midlife is the least charted territory in human development,” psychologist Orville Gilbert Brim, PhD wrote. Some people reaching midlife still fear they have arrived at the beginning of the end, however, the 23 men and women interviewed for this project tell a different story. What you’ll find is their realities and perceptions alter some of the previously held beliefs about midlife. Why might their experience be different?

1. Life is no longer a linear progression of predictable life events. We live in “permanent whitewater.” With the degree and pace of change we experience now, “we need to learn how to navigate continuous change without arrival points,” according to Frederic Hudson and many other authors on adult development.

2. Our life expectancy has been extended. Author Ken Dychtwald writes in his book, Age Power, “Historically, social scientists have charted all of the stages of life to fit within the boundaries of a much shorter life span than we enjoy today. Middle age is considered to begin in the late thirties, ending around age 50. Late adulthood picks up from there and runs right into old age which is usually defined as starting at 65. Longer life spans are reshuffling this deck. Greater longevity means that we’ll be young and middle-aged longer, and that we’ll be getting old later.” Each year we live, our life will last 100 more days. He goes on to predict that, “More of us will live longer than in any other previous generation. We will need to change our mindset about how to spend our extra years of life.”

3. The Baby Boomer generation, the 76 million children born in the U.S. from

1946-1964, is hitting midlife in historical proportions. Dychtwald further predicts, “By the 2nd decade of the 21st century, boomers will evolve into the largest elderly generation in history.” As in all previous stages of their life, Baby Boomers are redefining midlife - what it is, when it happens, and when it will end. They have more choices available to them than their parents and they are not afraid to exercise them. They look inward and measure their achievements in terms of personal fulfillment. They talk about midlife unlike the Silent Generation before them, but don’t want to be limited by a stereotype. They don’t even like the term, “midlife,” but fail to have better names that express the virtues and expansiveness of this life stage. They don’t trust the U.S. government to take care of them in their old age or provide a safe world to live in, so they create their own interdependencies with family and friends. They look to their own inner strength and spirituality as guides. Yes, the focus is on them, but they also have an authentic interest in making a difference in the world and leading a purposeful life with personal integrity.

Research Methods

As I chose midlife transitions as my specialization area for coaching, I had this image of midlife as a bigger, deeper, longer transition of life than any other stage. Was it because I was turning 50 this year, or was it true that the midlife paradigm might really be changing?

So, I decided to ask 23 people (20 women and three men) between the ages of 40 and 65 what they thought about midlife. Eight were in their 40s, eleven were in their 50s and four were in their 60s. I conducted the recorded interviews either by phone or in person, lasting from 15 minutes to 75 minutes (most averaging 25-35 minutes.)

I wondered if one’s perspective changes as one goes through their midlife, so I asked ten questions ranging from “What is midlife?” to “When will it end and how will you know?” The questions were asked in order from a look back to the beginning of midlife, to the current experience of midlife and to the future that is expected beyond midlife. All interviews were transcribed, and then results were charted, and tallied on several occasions to determine the trends that are stated in this report.

|#1 What is your definition of midlife? |#6 Where would you say you are in midlife – beginning, middle, |

| |end? In transition? |

|#2 When did your midlife begin and how did you know? |#7 What is the best thing about midlife? What would you change,|

| |if anything? |

|#3 What have been the most significant changes since your |#8 When will your midlife be over? How will you know? |

|midlife began? | |

|#4 What was it like for you? What helped you? What got in the |#9 What are three qualities you want to possess by the time your|

|way? What did you learn? |midlife is over? |

|#5 How does midlife differ from your 20s and 30s? |#10 If you were to give this time in midlife a name, what would |

| |it be? |

What I learned from the interviews is that the midlife Baby Boomer today is a far cry from the Flower Child of the 70s or the New Ager of the 80s. Baby Boomers are fiercely challenging the long-held myths about midlife and are aware that they possess the power to create their own reality through their perceptions. Here’s what they had to say when interviewed about their own midlife experience…

Myths and Realities of Midlife

Myth #1: You know you are in midlife when you turn the big 4-0.

When you look up “midlife” in the dictionary, it is defined as the “period of life from about 40 to about 60.” Is midlife still defined by a number? Are the ages still valid? Midlife is more than an age, according to the 23 Baby Boomer men and women interviewed.

The first question each person was asked was “What is your definition of midlife?” The responses fell into three groups:

1. 13% age or time indicators only

2. 39% internal/external change indicators only

3. 48% combination of age/time and internal/external change indicators

Different age groups defined midlife differently. Older participants did not use age, but defined it almost exclusively by internal change indicators.

40s – half defined it both quantitatively and qualitatively

50s – more than half described it only qualitatively

60s – no one defined it only quantitatively

Age or time indicators: Of the 14 people who included an age or time indicator within their definition of when midlife begins:

◆ 7% (1) at 30

◆ 79% (4) between 40-45 or a point in time, such as “half-way,” “midpoint,” “middle,” “10-15 years before retirement”

◆ 14% (2) between 50-55

External and Internal Change Indicators: The majority of people who used both a

quantitative and qualitative definition of midlife referred mostly to external change indicators: the kids are gone, retirement, or physical changes. Those who only defined midlife qualitatively referred more to internal changes.

The second question was designed to see if their reality was different than their theoretical definition of midlife. When asked, “When did your midlife begin and how did you know?” the answers were significantly different overall from the first question.

100% of the respondents gave an age when their own midlife began:

◆ 9% said their 30s

◆ 57% said their 40s

◆ 35% said their 50s (Out of the 50+ group, more than half said their midlife began in their fifties– almost a decade later than stage theorists define midlife.)

* In the following pages, the use of bold italic fonts indicates the questions asked and answers given in the interviews.

Baby Boomers’ interviewed said their midlife was triggered by one or more significant events, but the events they described could occur at any age, not just because one turned 40. What was unusual though was the number of simultaneous changes or the concentrated period of time in which they occurred. In the meantime, internal changes were often happening as well.

Fifty triggers of midlife were described by the 23 interviewees. Of that number, 32 (64%) were external or biological changes; 18 (36%) were internal changes:

Of the 32 external reasons listed as midlife triggers:

◆ 34% were career-oriented (change, quit, dissatisfaction, became self-employed, got a “real job,” husband was forced into early retirement)

◆ 28% were physical occurrences (menopause, body changes, changes in physical ability)

◆ 22% were noted because of the kids leaving (change of pace and recoupling)

◆ 9% were marked by a significant move

◆ 6% by divorce

◆ 3% by getting an advanced degree

Of the 18 internal reasons listed as midlife triggers:

◆ 15% described the change as stopping to think/reflect

◆ 11% said it felt like a “new” or “next” stage

◆ other reasons ranged from “the first time being called Ma’am” to having the “ability to say so.”

Some other noteworthy statistics were:

◆ Only 4 of 20 women (20%) mentioned menopause as a trigger of midlife (substantially less than one would expect), and never as the sole initiating event.

◆ Although divorce was a common event before or at the beginning of midlife, those who were married (as you will see later on in the report) rated their marriage as the best thing happening in their life.

Myth #2: Midlife is just another of life’s transitions – a turning point between the first and last half of life.

Carl Jung said we are “unprepared for the afternoon of our lives.” When he said this in the mid 1900s, he was referring to old age (the second half of life,) but in many ways it is also true for each stage of adulthood, including midlife.

When the 23 men and women interviewed were asked, “How would you say midlife transitions differ from when you were in your 20s and 30s” the replies indicated a significant difference, however, it was almost a 50/50 split for which period of life was more difficult.

When asked, “What were the significant changes since your midlife began?” people listed one to eight significant external changes in a period of less than 10 years.

Some examples were: selling the house, moving across country, career change, divorce/remarriage, starting a new business, family deaths, friendship changes, promotions and lay offs, kids leaving, spouse’s retirement, body changes, traveling, going back to school, new hobbies, becoming active in church and community, salary cuts, menopause, and down sizing.

Most of the internal changes that were often occurring simultaneously for many of the interviewees involved looking at life differently and being willing to take different actions: being who I am, doing the best I can, less driven to work, figuring out a direction, more relaxed, a changed way of looking at things, less energy, recognizing my own gifts, mastery of music, sense of maturity, articulating my needs, valuing my work, restructuring my time, and regained independence and spirituality.

Early adulthood (defined as 20s and 30s):

Easier: If they characterized early adulthood as easier than midlife, the qualities included: more freedom, just one area of life was changing (not everything at once,) oblivious to change, and more flexible and spontaneous.

63 year old woman: “In your 20s and 30s you can do anything. You are going to live forever. You’re going to be gorgeous forever. You have the world by the tail. The things that concern you are different. Now, neither of us are working and we’re living off a retirement fund that decreases every time the market goes down.”

More difficult: If they characterized early adulthood as more difficult than midlife, the challenges included: more afraid to change, needed validation, more worried about what other’s think, not as many choices with kids and husband’s career, not in control, no compassion for self, and resistant.

55 year old man: “It was an awful lot of personal growth. We started a family, both of us had high-level careers, priorities and pressures. I didn’t know how to do it all. Our marriage ended.”

60 year old woman: “I was second in my class, but raised to be a mother and wife. There was no time to think, I was too busy with kids, church and activities.”

Midlife (defined as 40s, 50s and 60s+):

Easier: If they characterized midlife as easier than early adulthood, some descriptions were:

not about speed, comfortable, settled, can slow down, give myself permission, communicating more effectively, less concerned what others think, and “my turn now.”

56 year old woman: “More time to think about it. Trying to figure out if there’s another mountain to climb, can I coast on this one or time for downhill.”

49 year old male: “It (midlife) feels different without really knowing why. You just have a lot more experience under your belt to help you. It’s more predictable now.”

More difficult: If midlife was more difficult than early adulthood, it was described as: more aware of the aging process, health worsens, deeper/all facets, true huge endings and beginnings, profound, more intentional, time horizon feels shorter, less energy, you can’t go backward, and weigh out more.

64 year old woman: “I just thought that life was forever and there was all of this out there to have. Then I went from my 40s to my 50s. It was like ‘Wait a minute! Your life is half over.’ You’ve got to decide what it is out there that you want. You don’t have as much time to get that home you want, the vacation you want, the retirement you want.”

“Mess in the middle?” Based on the previous stage development theories and linear models of adulthood, one would expect more stability and less transition as one gets older, but all three age groups interviewed had more individuals within it who perceived themselves “in transition” than in a stable “life chapter.”

◆ 40-somethings: 5 of 8 said they were in transition

◆ 50-somethings: 7 of 11 said they were in transition

◆ 60-somethings: 3 of 4 said they were in transition

As life gets more unpredictable, the separation between being “in transition” or “in a life chapter” is getting harder to discern and harder to track by the decade you’re in. As William Bridges said in his book A Year in the Life, “You have to give up on the idea of getting some one stable view of things. It’s where you are in the journey that determines the view.”

Myth #3: When you hit your forties, you can expect the proverbial “midlife crisis.”

Each of the significant changes reported by the interviewees after midlife began was comparatively less devastating than what the best sellers and headlines would lead you to believe happens in midlife. Based on the linear model by which previous generations have lived, midlife was supposed to be a time when you “had it all,” when life should be smooth and easy. Any significant life changes that deviated from this standard and expectation were often called a “crisis.” With today’s fast pace, however, midlifers often experience multiple changes within a relatively short period of time, and that is becoming the norm for midlife rather than the exception to the rule.

Experience of midlife changes: The term “midlife crisis,” first coined by Jacques Elliott, a sociologist who died recently, is defined as a “crisis of confidence or identity occurring in midlife, characterized by the feeling that one is growing old or that life is passing one by.”

When asked, “What was your experience like during your midlife changes?” the interviewees’ words described sort of “a blessing and a curse,” or an opportunity to grieve and grow, but not a crisis of identity or confidence. Some characterized their midlife changes as: confusing, more inward, slow and steady, hard emotionally, peaceful, lonely, deeply personal, a grieving process, roller coaster, feeling empowered, looking forward, serious adjustment, really hard, hell & heaven, fear of the unknown, opportunity to grow, speed bumps, scary & so right, more energy, more time, ambiguous, tough, not easy.

According to Orville Brim, the sociologist that directed a study conducted from 1989-1999 by the MacArthur Foundation surveying 7800 people between the ages of 25 and 75, “…we found that on balance, middle age is really the best place to be.”

One of the project’s researchers, psychologist David M. Almeida, PhD reported, “Day to day stress doesn’t add up to a midlife crisis. The reason why midlife people have these stressors is that they actually have more control over their lives than earlier and later in life. When people describe these stressors, they often talk in terms of meeting the challenge.”

Margie Lachman, who reviewed the responses said, “It’s true that there’s a lot going on in your life in middle age and you have little time for leisure. Fortunately, you’re also at your peak in terms of competence, control, the ability to handle stress, and sense of responsibility. You’re equipped for overload

Here’s a good example from the interviews with a 45 year-old woman on her attitude toward her external and internal changes which occurred in a concentrated period of time:

“It’s funny because I am 45 and I don’t feel like I’m in midlife, but I am. I still feel like I am 20 years old.” She described her midlife beginning when she noticed she was thinking about what she wanted to do and where she wanted to go. She also remembered “being more comfortable and gentler” with herself at that time. During the next five years, she experienced her second divorce, remarried, moved from her house to an apartment and created a new business.

She described her experience as “fun and a little traumatic,” not a crisis or the feeling of getting old and running out of time. Even though her identity was changing (divorced to married, homeowner to renter, hair stylist to entrepreneur,) her confidence was increasing. She recalled a trusted advisor saying to her, “Change supports joy for the rest of your life.” She said, “I see that it really does, so I am not afraid of change. Every change I’ve made, even though stressful to get used to, has been supportive of me.” Her changes came from being true to herself rather than thinking that life was passing her by. In previous generations when there were fewer choices and life was more predictable, a 45 year-old woman with this many changes would probably have been seen as having a “midlife crisis,” but not today. Today, she actually is quite typical.

Other names than “midlife crisis:” Mandy Aftel, in the Story of Your Life said, “The way we describe our lives and understand them is ultimately and inextricably connected to the way we live them.” Of the 23 men and women asked to give a name to their midlife experience, no one named their experience a “midlife crisis.” If their names are any indication of the way these three groups are experiencing midlife, they tend to give a more realistic picture than we have come to expect and tend to improve the view with age.

|Interviewees in their 40’s |Interviewees in their 50s |Interviewees in their 60s |

|Transition to a Greater Purpose |Golden |Spacious Opening |

|Rebirthing of Myself |Yahoo |The Train Goes On |

|The Beginning of the End of Life |Turbulent |My Fabulous 60s |

|Heavenly |Reinventing |Challenging 60s |

|The New Nancy |Discovery | |

|Engaged Period |Perfect Growth Path | |

|Spring Cleaning |The Best | |

|Forties Funk |Evolving | |

| |Extraordinary | |

| |The Liberation | |

| |The Calm Before the Storm | |

Myth #4: All you need to do is grin and bear it. It’ll pass quickly.

The advice Baby Boomers are likely to get from their parents does not help them to manage the new and constantly changing times they live in today. However, the following replies from the interviewed group of Baby Boomers collectively offer some ideas that might help.

What helped? Several of the interviewees mentioned more than one thing that helped them through their changes of midlife:

◆ Thirteen credited their spirituality

◆ Ten credited relationships/family

◆ Nine credited friends,

◆ Other frequent mentions included: setting goals/having a plan, reading, not letting fear stop me, focused on what I want to accomplish, quitting my job, trusting myself, volunteer, giving myself permission, taking it day by day, hospice, therapy, joining the Chamber of Commerce, be willing to suffer, try new things, exercise, parent role models, siblings to talk to, moving to more affordable area, found a marriage coach, deciding I was not a victim, balance, let go of attachments, humor, accepting I’m not 20 anymore, joining Curves, painting.

What didn’t help? Most obstacles or “boulders” were personal beliefs, choices, and habits, not people or events outside of their control: negative self-talk, being anxious, fear of how we were going to make it, a 20 year stagnant career, shoulds and shouldn’ts, bad decisions, old beliefs and patterns, friends who didn’t support my change, not enough time, finances, different energy than spouse, communication issues, wanting/needing, my reaction to my parents, annoying clients and manager, anxiety, fear of aging, vanity, and not forgiving.

What did you learn? This was the juice of the interviews. It was interesting to see/hear people light up as they reflected upon what they had learned on their journey: take care of myself (reading, exercise, spa vacations,) get back to what’s important, time with others, don’t be afraid- just do it, I am smarter than I think, I know I am valuable, my own inner core strength, how important it is to be connected with family, friends and church, I can create it, being is what is important, it’s ok not to be perfect, the Universe is always working on my behalf, it’s healthy to laugh and have fun, plan ahead, find direction, I know how to love, survive and prosper, fear is part of abundance, relax and enjoy, trust the process more, don’t take it personally, set a course of action and don’t give up, and the important this is who I am, not what I do.

A 46 year-old woman, mother and pre-school teacher: “Perfection is a little boring. You have one shot in life, so it’s probably better to look up than down. There’s always a new day and if today wasn’t so hot, tomorrow is another gift. I often told Mike I really try to live each day to the fullest, but I really mean it this time.”

A 51 year-old woman after the kids have left home, she and her husband moved to Oregon and started two new careers: “It was the right thing to do (moving). You have to deal with things - do it. Just hang on for the ride. When I would get whiney, I would remind myself I asked for this – this is still better that what I was doing. Some times were challenging by any other’s standards, but still better than what I was doing. Not changing was not an option.”

Experts who understand that midlife today is being lived in uncharted waters are giving some general advice to midlifers so they have a better chance of enjoying their extended years. Ken Dychtwald offers some “Tips for Aging” in his book Age Power:

1. Plan to live a long life and take steps now to guarantee the intellectual and social stimulation you’ll want in later years.

2. Don’t get trapped in yesterday’s linear model of aging; adjust your psychological, social and financial expectations to support a “cyclic” life plan.

3. Envision new career goals and challenges.

4. Be prepared to reinvent yourself several times in adulthood. You may discover aspects of your potential you never knew existed.

Myth #5: You know if you’ve “made it” in midlife by your status, accumulations, and bank balance.

The Successful Midlife Development research study summarized the indicators for a successful midlife as:

1. Avoiding disease and disability

2. Maintaining mental and physical function

3. Continuing engagement with life (relationships, activities and changing conditions.)

When the 23 men and women were asked, “What is working best?” and “What would you change?” it was apparent the new Baby Boomer definition of a “successful midlife” is all the above and more. Never was their position within a company or the size of the house they live in mentioned. Relationships with a spouse and family, friendships, spirituality and taking control of their life were the key areas of importance. Their measurement is not by quantity or by their comparative position to others, but by their own idea of “quality of life.”

“Having more money” was mentioned four times as something that they would want to change, but only once for the sake of having more of it. Most mentioned finances relative to a sense of wanting more security for making it through a downturn in the economy or being able to retire by age 65.

What’s working best (multiple answers were allowed):

◆ Relationships with spouse/partner (9 mentions)

◆ Children and/or family of origin (5 mentions)

◆ Spiritual life (5 mentions)

◆ Self control/choice/confidence/self-reliance (5 mentions)

◆ Deciding to leave my job/changing career/retirement (4 mentions)

◆ Work – (4 mentions)

◆ Friendships (4 mentions)

◆ Leisure/hobbies/variety (4 mentions)

◆ Everything (3 mentions)

◆ Being alone to reflect on direction/self-discovery (2 mentions)

◆ Romance (1 mention)

◆ Money to transition (1 mention)

Still What to Change (multiple answers were allowed):

◆ Leisure (12 mentions) read, write, travel, yoga, tai-chi, massage, music, entertaining – 10; Balance/simplify - 2

◆ Career related (10 mentions) change career - 5; doing what you love/ purpose/find passion – 3; full time to part time work/“not work” - 2

◆ Relationship (9 mentions) closer to spouse/be together more -2; get married/find a relationship/find soulmate – 4; meet new friends/feel part of a community/more time for friends -3

◆ Physical (5 mentions) lose weight/exercise/eat healthier/laser surgery

◆ Home environment (5 mentions) bigger place to live/build a nest for the last stage/downsize/cozying up the house/ Spend all my time decorating my house”

◆ Mental/Spiritual (5 mentions) engage intellectually/spirituality/be open to what life’s teaching me – 3; live more consistently, truthfully/take risks - 2

◆ Financial (4 mentions) $ for reserves/savings/independence/having more

◆ Others (3 mentions) Stop the clock , be a grandparent, nothing

This group of Baby Boomers did not tout how busy and over-committed they were. What they wanted was:

◆ time for relaxing and doing what matters most.

◆ purposive work, and work that contributes to others

◆ a home environment that reflects a simpler gracious way of living

◆ to live their life better and continue to grow mentally and spiritually

◆ to be secure financially, but not strive to be rich.

◆ to feel good about how they look and be able maintain their health.

As a 49 year old man who had just buried his 70 year old father said, “This (health, diet and exercise) is an important focus for the next 20 years so that they will be a quality 20 years, if I get 20 years.” In this way, Baby Boomers as a generation are getting wiser and making better choices for the times they are living in.

Myth #6: When midlife is over, it’s all downhill after that.

Based on former stage theories, midlife should be over before turning 60, but it is clear from these interviews that midlife is anything but over for this group of 40 to 60-somethings!

When individuals were asked to locate themselves in their midlife period, they were given three choices: beginning, middle and end. Whether they perceived their midlife as beginning, halfway through, or ending, their perception corresponded to a feeling, not an age. The results indicate that 40-somethings primarily perceive themselves in the beginning of midlife and 50 and 60-somethings said either in the beginning or middle phases of the midlife stage of life. Only one 50 something said “toward the end.”

◆ 40-somethings: 5 said beginning and 3 said middle.

◆ 50-somethings: 2 said beginning, 7 said middle, 1 said “toward the end.”

◆ 60-somethings: 1 said beginning and 3 the middle.

In true Baby Boomer style, some had to make up names for their own locations: end of beginning, well into middle, on the downside but racing down the hill a little faster than expected.

Of the 23 interviewees asked, “When will midlife be over?” :

Projected age(s): Seventeen people gave a specific age or age span for the end of midlife:

◆ 41% said their midlife would end by 60 - the traditional age

◆ 47% said midlife would be over between their 60s and 70s (10-20 years beyond the traditional definition)

◆ 12% said in their 80s!

Other indicators: Nineteen non-age indicators were described:

◆ thirteen (68%) were objective, such as: decline of health/physical changes (8 replies); retirement (4 replies); and being a “senior citizen” (1 reply)

◆ only two people used the word “old” to describe what is past midlife.

◆ six (32%) were subjective, such as: when it happens; it feels like the autumn or winter of life; I feel more joy, contentment, and clarity; it’s the next phase; know where I’m headed; and I’m looking back more than forward

Midlife is lasting longer: Based on seventeen respondents who gave a beginning and ending age of their midlife, the duration calculated out at:

◆ 59% said less than 20 years (the traditional definition)

◆ 12% said 20-29 years

◆ 29% said 30 years or more

Old isn’t what it used to be: They say, when you’re on your deathbed, you won’t ask to call your stockbroker and see how the stock market did that day. You will ask your loved ones, “How well did I live and love?”

From the answers to the question, “What three qualities do you want to possess by the time midlife is over?” the answers from the 23 Baby Boomers are encouraging and inspirational to what lies ahead: loving (9 mentions), caring/compassionate (6 mentions), loving life/passionate/enthusiastic (5 mentions), wise (4 mentions), peaceful/content/tranquil (4 mentions), joyful (3 mentions). Other qualities that were each mentioned once or twice include: happy , creative, approachable, whole, intellectually stimulated/well-read, healthy, financially solvent/independent, spiritual, and funny/humorous, successful, gracious, outrageous, kind, understanding, fulfilled, honest, integrity, faithful, connected, empowered, active, vital, self-confident leader by example, warm, giving, and humanitarian.

Conclusion: Midlife is an art.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards” - Soren Kierkegaard

From conducting twenty-three interviews of midlife Baby Boomers, I have concluded that:

◆ We can no longer rely on a simple definition for midlife in the 21st century or use decades with clearly delineated developmental tasks as our standard of measurement for midlife. There is no norm. It’s starting later and lasting longer. Its assortment of external changes and internal changes happening at a rapid fire pace makes it quite unpredictable.

◆ Midlife is “the becoming” period, when we evolve from our “doingness” to our “beingness.” It is more than a brief transitional period or “rite of passage,” as the term “midlife crisis” would imply. It is an important and purposeful stage of life - possibly the longest, most complex and deeply significant life period we experience as adults.

◆ Each person who generously shared their midlife story described their experience like a painting not yet completed: what it looks like, what it means to them, how it has evolved and what they’ve learned in the process. The stories, although too few to conclude universal principles or to be statistically significant, confirm for me, as a midlifer and transitional coach myself, that each midlife is its own unique and evolving work of art.

◆ There is no one formula for a successful midlife. Each “artist” brings their own vision, set of skills, creativity and willingness to it. The beauty is in the eye of the beholder and, furthermore, the value in the end comes from what is learned for the “evening hours” of life and the contribution it makes by being shared.

Personal Learnings

This project has just begun. In many ways, it has brought up more questions than answers. So, I welcome the Hudson community to personally share their perspectives of midlife and professional experiences of coaching midlife clients with me to deepen our understanding of this important developmental time in a person’s life.

As I turn 50, what I’ve learned from my cohorts through these interviews is the importance of friendships for the future. It also confirms that I am on the right track in many other ways. My priorities of marriage, family, health, balance, spirituality and a career that expresses my purpose are positive indicators for a fulfilling midlife and elderhood.

Midlife provides me an opportunity to clarify my purpose and values, evaluate my strengths and resources, prioritize and balance, learn and expand my perspectives, create a vision and explore the possibilities. It is a great time to be alive and to be turning 50!

References

Aftel, Mandy (1996) The Story of Your Life: Becoming the Author of Your Experience. New York: Fireside

Carter, Jimmy (1998) The Virtues Of Aging. New York: Ballantine Publishing Group

Clay, Rebecca A. (April 2003) Researchers replace midlife myths with facts. American Psychology Association: Monitor on Psychology

Dychtwald, Ken, Ph.D. (1999) Age Power: How the 21st Century Will Be Ruled by the New Old . New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam

Gallagher, Winifred (May 1993) Midlife Myths. Atlanta: The Atlantic Monthly.

Hudson, Frederic M. (1999) The Adult Years: Mastering the Art of Self-Renewal. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass

Hudson, Frederic M., Ph.D. (1999) The Handbook of Coaching. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass

Squires, Sally (April 19, 1999) Midlife Without A Crisis. Washington D.C.: Washington Post

What’s Important for Coaching?

1) Give up assumptions on midlife.

Because the definition of midlife is changing in the 21st century, coaches need to give up any assumptions they have about what midlife should be or when it should occur. They need to honor their client’s unique story by listening deeply, uncovering the main plots and characters, asking powerful questions that evoke new possibilities and partnering to create a vision and action plan that is based on their passions and purpose.

2) Coaches are valuable because there are so few role models for midlife.

More than ever before, midlifers are living and learning in what Peter Vail calls “permanent whitewater.” They need a vision, self-awareness, and flexibility to deal with the fast pace and volume of choices we face each day. Because Baby Boomers are facing new challenges in their life and career for which they do not have role models, coaches are a valuable resource.

3) A holistic coaching approach is essential with midlife clients.

Because midlife deals with external and internal changes that often happen simultaneously, a holistic coaching approach is essential. Being fluid in both performance and purpose coaching strategies will expand a coach’s value, whether their clients are in or outside the workplace. Hudson Institute coaches also have a distinct advantage because they know how to effectively use the Hudson maps and bring structure to this particularly challenging time.

4) Midlife clients may require longer coaching relationships.

Because midlife is an opportunity for life transformation (moving forward with new purpose, vision, and plans) there is an opportunity to create long-term client agreements (6 to 12 months.)

5) Help midlife clients determine what a “successful midlife” would mean to them.

Because “success” is such a personal definition for Baby Boomers, coaches need to help clients get clarity on what that means to them. What does it look like? What do they want and need to change? What difference would their desired outcomes make in their life? What would that take? How important is it to them? Where have they been successful in their past experience?

6) Help clients embrace midlife as a time to become who they want to be.

What we know is midlife is an evolutionary and creative process and transitions are inevitable, so coaches need to help clients embrace it and maximize it. It’s important for the coach to help clients clarify values, reframe any myths they might believe, make wise choices, take effective action and begin to integrate the vision of who the client wants to become into their present life.

7) Midlife clients are a huge market and good source for future clients and referrals.

Midlife clients are a unique resource of new and repeat business for coaches. A satisfied midlife client is likely to tell their experience to other midlife friends and family members. Additionally, they are likely to have future opportunities to use a coach again as they face new challenges and their retirement years.

8) Interviewing is a great way to gain a deeper understanding of a subject and a niche market. It can also develop a network of potential clients and referrals, when a service such as, sending your final report or inviting participants to a Planning For Change workshop is offered. The research gives a plentitude of material for speaking, writing, forums and workshops. Using my Hudson Institute training and Cycle for Renewal, I have dependable frameworks and models to help midlife clients manage the unpredictable changes of today.

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