Three guys - a Tasmanian, a New South Welshman & a ...
1. Three guys - a Tasmanian, a New South Welshman & a Queenslander - are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and after a gentle rub a genie pops out of it. “I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total”, says the genie. The Tasmanian says, “I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' the oceans were teeming with fish. The New South Welshman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around New South Wales so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no boofhead south or north of the border can tell us what to do in our State. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around New South Wales. The Queenslander asks, “I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.” The Queenslander says, “Fill it up with water.” Posted by: Stephen of Brisbane
2.A Queenslander, a Kiwi and a South African were in a pub. The South African finishes his drink pulls out a gun and shoot the glass. He says, “Where I come from glasses are so cheap we don't drink out of the same one twice.” The Kiwi finishes his drink, pulls out his gun and shoots his glass and says “Bro, we have so much sand to make glass in unzed that we don't drink out of the same glass twice”. The Queenslander finishes his drink, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He says to the bar tender: “Where I come from we have so many Kiwis and South Africans we don't have to drink with the same lot twice.” Posted by: Nora Charles of Qld
3.Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?” “And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at Saint Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?” Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!” There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: “Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.” Posted by: Craig Mitchell of Holland Park
4.There were two Blondes sitting on opposite sides of a river, one called out to the other, “How do you get to the other side?” The response was, “Don't be silly, you are already there.” Posted by: Iris Kemp
5.Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?” Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat.” The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?” Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat.” The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right ?” Murphy shook his head and said, “No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.” Posted by: Bob Joy of Mackay
6.A Catholic priest and a Jewish Rabbi were sharing a cpompartment on a long distance train trip. After a lengthy period of comfortable conversation, the Priest said, “Your religion forbids consumption pf pork or pork products, have you ever tried pork?.” The Rabbi replied, “Just between the two of us, yes I have.” After a few moments the Rabbi asks, “In your religion, the priests have to be celebate, have you ever had a sexual experience?.” The Priest replied, “ Just between the two of us, yes I have.” After a short pause the Rabbi says, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?.” Posted by: Merv Vickary of Deagon 5:41pm February 25, 2009
7.Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.” With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?” And the man replied, “I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.” Posted by: Colin den Ronden of Philippines
8.What did the Israeli say to the New Zealander? Answer: Hebrew. Posted by: Linz of QLD
9.A duck walks into a pub and asks the barman, “Got any bread?” The barman says, “No sir, we don't sell bread.” The duck asks again, “Got any bread?” And the barman replies, “No sir, this is a pub, we don't sell bread.” But the duck asks again, “Got any bread?” Angrily, the barman leans over and says, “Listen mate if you say that one more time I'll nail your bloody beak to this bar!” The duck asks, “Got any nails?” The barman says, “NO.” The duck says, “Got any bread?” Posted by: Jean Frankland of Warwick
10.A man goes to the doctor, pulls down his pants and shows the doctor his bottom. There coming out of his bottom is a small piece of lettuce. “That's unusual,” says the doctor. “That's nothing,” says the man, “That's just the tip of the iceberg.” Posted by: Helen Rose of Brisbane
An atom walks into a bar and cries, “Barman, barman, I've just lost an electron.” The barman asks, “Are you sure?” The atom replies, “I'm positive!” Posted by: Lindsay Neal of QLD
A Blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle. In terror she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider. Unfortunately, the blondes foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Woolworth's Manager sees her and switches off the horse. Posted by: Stephen of Brisbane
A tough old cowboy once counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left behind 4 children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great grandchildren and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be. Posted by: max of robertson
A young man bought a cockatoo for a pet. But no matter how hard he tried he cuoild not stop the cocky from swearing. So, to teach the bird a lesson, he put it in the deep freezer for a second or two. When the cocky came out it was extremely apologetic, never going to swear again, etc, etc. But then it turned to its owner and asked in a meek tone, “What did the chicken do?” Posted by: margaret latch
Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic. Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away. So, it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer. “Ok Gary give me the bottle opener.” “I didn't bring it,” says Gary “I thought you packed it,” Rodney gets worried, He turns to Roger, “Did you bring the bottle opener?” Naturally Roger didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Rodney and Roger beg Gary to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Gary sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Rodney and Roger are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Gary pops up from behind a rock and shouts, “I KNEW IT'......SO I'M NOT GOING!” Posted by: Bushnook of Brisbane
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden one says, “Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon. I is sure of eet.” His mate replies, “Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.” So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. “Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. Eees a bacon tree.” But his mate says, “Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.” But Luis insists, “Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon. Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.” And with that... Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. “Pepe... go back man, you was right. Ees not a bacon tree.” And Luis asks, “Luis, Luis, mi amigo... what ees it?” And Luis replies, “Pepe... ees not a bacon tree. Eees a Ham Bush.” Posted by: Yolanda Hollows of Hervey Bay
An Aussie and a clergyman go out in a boat in the swamp to hunt ducks. A flock comes over, the Aussie takes aim and fires. “**** hell, I missed the ****!” The pastor says, “My son, please do not use such intemperate language.” Aussie; “Sorry father, I won't do it again.” Fifteen minutes go by, then another flock flies overhead which the Aussie fires at. “**** hell, I missed the ****!” The pastor says, “My son, I told you before not to use that language.” The Aussie replies, “Sorry father, I won't do it again.” An hour goes by before another formation of ducks fly overhead. Again the Aussie fires at them and says, “**** hell, I missed the ****!” The pastor says, “My son, if you say that again God will surely punish you.” The Aussiesays, “Sorry father, I won't do it again.” Two hours go by before the next flock flies over. The Aussie fires, then exclaims, “**** hell, I missed the ****!” Next thing a bolt of lightning leaps from the cloud overhead down towards the boat and hits the pastor. A deep voice booms out from the sky, “**** hell, I missed the ****!” Posted by: Colin den Ronden of Philippines
An out of work handyman knocks on the doors of Ascot houses looking for work. The lady of house gives him a tin of brown paint and a brush and tells him to paint the porch at the back of the house. He comes back an hour later, and says, “Well it's all done, but it wasn't a porch, it was a Ferrari!” Posted by: Heatherjoy of Ascot
Why do brides wear white? Don't all kitchen appliances come in white? Posted by: maria of Logan
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, “But we don't know anything about each other.” He said, “That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, “That was incredible!” He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.” So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?” “No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray!” Posted by: Mike of Dakabin
As this dear little old lady runs stark naked across the length of the bar, two drunks look up from their beers that they were nursing. “Did you see that?” asks one. “Sure did,” replies his mate. “Who was it?” “Don't know!” “What was she wearing?” “Don't know, but it needed ironing!” Posted by: Brad Coward of Brisbane
A Queenslander's mother-in-law was missing and the man was trying to look suitably depressed. A policeman rang him to to say he had found the missing woman in a mangrove swamp being eaten by eight mud crabs. The Queenslander pondered a moment then said, “Okay, fair's fair. You take four and I'll take four and then we'll set her again tonight.” Posted by: Judi Cox of Springfield
Two Chinese newlyweds went back to the honeymoon suite. The bride was a bit nervous and was cowering under the sheet as the husband got his gear off. “Don't you worry now,” he said. “You tell me whatever you want and I will make this best night of your life!” The nervous bride asked, “Anything?” And the husband said, “Anything, you name it.” “Well....” she said, “I would like a 69!”. The husband looked at her for a minute until it dawned on him and he asked her incredulously “YOU WANT THE BEEF WITH BLACK BEAN SAUCE????” Posted by: Dave McGowran
Mrs Brown went into Mario's fruit shop one morning and wanted tomatoes. Mrs Brown couldn't see any tomatoes so she asked Mario where they were. “No tomatoes today Mrs Brown.” “Ok” she said and off she went. Around lunchtime Mrs Brown went to Mario's to buy some tomatoes. Again she couldn't find them, again she asked Mario, and again, Mario said, “No tomatoes today Mrs Brown.” She replies, “Ok Mario no worries.” Just before closing, Mrs Brown went to Mario's again looking for tomatoes. By this time, Mario was tired and just wanted to close up and go home. Mrs Brown asked Mario for some tomatoes. Again Mario said, “No tomatoes today Mrs Brown.” Then he said, “Mrs Brown, if you take the G out of GRAPE, what do you get?” She said, “Rape.” Mario said, “That's right Mrs Brown. Now, if you take the BEET out of BEETROOT what do you get?” And Mrs Brown said, “Root.” Mario said, “That's right Mrs Brown. Now, if you take the F out of tomatoes what do you get?” Mrs Brown said, “There is no 'F' in tomatoes.” To which Mario replied, “THAT'S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU MRS BROWN!” Posted by: Donna Jarvis of Willowbank
A drunk man decided to go ice fishing. After punching a large hole in the ice and sitting on his esky drinking from his bottle, a large voice boomed out, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!” Looking around for source of the voice, the drunk asked, “Is that you Lord?” To which came the reply, “No, I am the manager of the skate rink.” Posted by: Dr Hugh Jorgan of Wickam Tce
One day the Lord visited Adam in the Garden of Eden and said, “You've not been very happy lately. I think you're lonely.” And Adam replied, “What's lonely?” “Lonely means you need a companion , somebody to share the garden with you,” said the Lord. “That sounds nice,” said Adam. “What sort of companion?” “I've been working on a companion for you,” said the Lord. “I've called her Woman. Woman is a creature of unbelievable beauty. She will warm your bed at night and bear your children. She will cook, clean, wash and sew. She will help you in the garden. She will defend you from your enemies, nurse you when you are sick and cheer you up when you are depressed. She will never disagree with anything you say. And she will ask nothing from you in return.” “I'd really like one of those!” said Adam. Then the Lord said, “Not so fast Adam. You must realize that there is a cost. Woman will cost you an arm and a leg.” “That's a huge price to pay!” said Adam. “I'll need to think about that.” “Think about it as long as you like,” said the Lord. “We'll talk about it again when I next visit the garden.” The next time the Lord visited the garden he asked Adam if he had thought any more about Woman. “I have Lord,” said Adam. “Woman sounds like a most wonderful companion. But an arm and a leg is too great a price to pay. What would I get for a rib.” Posted by: John Gosney of Buderim
I had just bought a new BMW M3 convertible the other day and decided to go out for a drive. I got a bit carried away and ended up being pulled over for speeding by a motorcycle cop. He said, “Listen mate, it's 11.45pm at night and I'm about to finish my shift. If you can come up with a reason for your speed that I haven't heard before, I'll let you go!” So I said, “Well, it's like this Officer. Last week my wife of 20 years left me for a policeman. And when I saw the flashing red & blue lights in the mirror, I thought to myself, 'DAMN. Don't tell me they want to return her already!'“ Posted by: Greg Tymms of Brisbane
A grasshopper went into a bar. He hopped up in front of the bartender and said, “Hi”. Bartender said, “Y'know, there's a drink named after you.” The grasshopper looked at him and said “What, 'Kevin'?” Posted by: Al Jazeera
My wife ran off with my best mate last week. Gee, I miss him. Posted by: johnno of mt ommaney
The fight we had last night was my fault. My wife asked me what was on the TV and I said dust.... Posted by: tyson
Travelling through Spain, I stopped at a restaurant. I ordered the meatballs, they were nice and I told the waiter. He explained to me that as Spain was such a poor country they didn't waste any part of the bull after a bullfight and that the meatballs were the bulls testicles, a delicacy in Spain. I thought YUK and travelled more around Spain. I had in that time acquired a taste for them and returned to that restaurant. I ordered the meatballs and ate them. I commented to the waiter that they did not seem as big this time and he said that sometimes the matador wins the fight and sometimes the bull wins the fight. And, as it was a poor country... Posted by: Dr Hugh Jorgan of Wickam Tce
Two drunks are in a bar. The first says to the second, “I bet you the next round of drinks that I can tell a bigger lie than you can!” The second replies, “You're on!” The first then says, “I once swam up Niagara Falls with a red brick tied around each ankle!” The second drunk replied, “I know, I was watching you!” Posted by: allan of adelaide
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth. 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.” God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time also. When this angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline. 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.” God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the email said? No? Okay, just wondering . I didn't get one either ........ Posted by: Daniele Callioni of Brisbane
A man takes his dog to the vet and says, “I want you to chop off its tail.” The vet says how much do you want chopped off?” The man says, “All of it.” The vet says, “Wouldn't you like a little stub, they look very fashionable.” The man says, “No, I want it cut off right to the hilt.” The vet asks why. The man says, “Well, next week my mother-in-law is coming to visit, and I don't want there to be any sign of a welcome!” Posted by: Colin den Ronden of Philippines
Q: What's the difference between a Hoover & a Harley? A: Position of the dirtbag. Posted by: J of Brisbane
A man goes to his doctor following extensive tests. The doctor says to him “I have some good news and some bad news for you.” “Gee” says the patient, “What's the good news?” Well,” says the doctor,” I could be wrong!” Posted by: Rohan von Hoyer-Davies of Brisbane
Q: Whats a shitzu? A: It's not a dog, it's a zoo with no animals in it! Posted by: Jarrad Corney of launcetson
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Shopping Centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, “Why don't you just put it in 'PARK'?” Posted by: Janet Heath of Rainbow Beach
I met a guy the other day who said he waited until he was 40 to marry Miss Right. Unfortunately he didn't know her first name was Always! Posted by: Tony of Waterford
A baby seal walks into a club! Posted by: Douglas Lee of Woodridge
What's the last thing that passes through a Bug's mind as it hits the windscreen?? Its Bum! Posted by: Brock of Spring Hill
My wife had her visa card stolen last week. I have not reported it to the police yet as the thief is spending less money than her. Posted by: paul kemp of maleny
An elderly businessman buys a large house. The house is situated on a cliff overlooking the sea. One evening, the old gentleman is out for his usual walk before going to bed. The evening is a very blustery one. He ventures a little too close to the cliff's edge, loses his footing and falls over the brink. Fortunately, he is able to grasp a very slender sapling that is growing out of the cliff, which stops his fall. The old gentleman hangs there for a few moments, terribly shaken. Eventually he calls out, “Is there anybody there?” At once a great voice seem to fill the whole of the firmament. It comes out of the clouds, out of the sea and out of the cliff itself. It says in measured tones, “There is always someone up here, my son. All that you need to do is release your hold upon that small tree and you will descend safely to the shore below.” The old gentleman considers this for a moment and takes a look down at the jagged rocks 200ft below him. Then he looks up again and says, “Is there anybody else up there?” Posted by: Steve Stewart-Sturges of Monterey Keys
Two elephants and a tambourine fall off a cliff. *Ba-boom Tsk* Posted by: Danielle Olive
Pat and Mick, both unemployed, were walking along a country lane when they passed a sawmill. On the fence there was a sign “Tree fellers wanted”. “Begorrah, Mick”, said Pat “there be the job for us”. “No, Pat”, replied Mick, “there's but two of us”. Posted by: Brian Hey of Parkinson
A little Irish nun returns from her pilgrimage to Lourdes and is stopped by British Customs. “What's in the bottle, sister?” “Sure, 'tis holy water from Lourdes.” He opens the bottle, sniffs it and says, “That's whiskey!” “Jaysus be praised,” she says, “Another miracle.” Posted by: Nancy Fry of Brisbane
A pastor went over to an elderly member's house to see how she was doing. Seated on the sofa and very hungry, he spotted on the coffee table a bowl of almonds. A little timid, he asked, “Do you mind if I have one?” The woman was quite reluctant but said, “No, go ahead.” An hour later, he was in disbelief that he had finished off the whole bowl! “Oh I'm so sorry about all the almonds!” he said as he stood to leave. “Oh, don't worry about it. All I can do is suck the chocolate off since I lost all of my teeth.” Posted by: tyson
A man goes to see his pyschiatrist totally naked wrapped in glad wrap. He says to the doctor “What do you think?” The pyschiatrist says, “Well, I can see your nuts” Posted by: Helen Rose of Brisbane
Why did Timmy fall off the bike? Timmys' a fish! Posted by: Douglas Lee of Woodridge
A supermarket manager wanders into the breakfast food aisle only to see this character stabbing a pack of Cornflakes over and over again with a ten inch hunting knife. “What do you think you're doing?” demands the manager. The guy replies, “I'm a cereal killer.” Posted by: Brad Coward of Brisbane
The Lone Ranger is captured by a Native American tribe and is buried up to his neck in the desert. The Chief exclaims that, as the Lone Ranger had been such a good friend to Tonto, he would be granted a final request. The Lone Ranger calls Trigger over and whispers into the horse's ear, before the animal skitters off towards town, returning with a naked woman on his back, who immediately goes over to the Ranger's head and kisses him ferociously for several minutes. The Chief, impressed with the Lone Ranger's choice, announces that he will be granted a second wish for his bravery in the face of death. Once again, Trigger is called over and the Lone Ranger leans forward to whisper, saying, “Nice work, boy, now this time bring me a POSSE.” Posted by: Roger Green of Tweed Heads
Two blokes sitting at the bar having a quiet ale when one of them turns to his mate and says, “You know, my wife's an angel.” His mate replied, “Gees you're lucky mate, mine's still alive!” Posted by: Greg Tymms of Brisbane
Two fish are swimming along when one of them slams into some concrete. He turns to his mate and says “Dam!”. Posted by: Paul of Brisbane
Why is a pirate a pirate? A: Because they ARRRRRRR. What does a pirate say when he is having a heart attack. A: “ARRRRRRRR ME HEARTY!” Posted by: Jenny H of Brisbane
Two priests are driving down a country road when they run over a rabbit. One looks at the other priest and says, “Father, what a terrible thing to happen.” The priest jumps out of the car and takes a bottle out of his pocket, opens it and pours the liquid over the rabbit and places the rabbit on the road.T he rabbit jumps up and hops 10 metres down the road and waves to the priests. He does this every 10metres until he disappears over the hill. One priest askes the other, “Was that holy water, Father?” And the other priest replies, “No Father - it was hare restorer with a permanent wave.” Posted by: John Burke of Clontarf
It's 1875 in India, at the time of the Raj. On a Bombay park bench there are seated two Indian gentlemen. On another bench nearby there is an Englsh lady. She overhears one gentleman say to his companion, “It is whoom.” The other replies, “No, no, it is whoooomb.” The lady, thinking they are referring to the female reproductive system, says, “Excuse me gentlemen, but I believe you will find it is womb”. One indian turns to her and says, “Madame, with respect, I do not think you have had much to do with elephants, let alone heard one break wind underwater”. Posted by: ROGER EDWARD DESHON of TOOWOOMBA
One day some policemen found three hand grenades in the street and decided to take them back to the police station.”What if one of the grenades explodes?”asked one of the officers.”It doesn't matter” reassured another,'We'll say we only found two.” Judi Cox Shakespeare walks into a pub and demands a beer. “I can't serve you” says the barman.”You're bard” Judi Cox Posted by: Judi Cox of Springfield 3:58pm February 25, 2009
Operator: “Hello, what's your emergency?” Man: “My mate and I are out pig shooting and he's tripped over his gun and it went off and I think he's dead!” Operator: “Well, let's take things one at a time. First, he may just be unconscious. Can you check and see if he's really dead?” Man: “Just a second...” “Now what?” Posted by: Harbinger of Doom
Did you hear the one about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac that lays awake at night wondering if there really is a DOG ! Posted by: Bobby Boy of Inala
Why do Elephants have big ears? Because Noddy will not pay the ransom. Posted by: Maree Blackley of Rochedale
Did you hear about the two TV aerials that got married? The wedding was terrible but the reception was brilliant. Posted by: H Harry of New Farm
Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick! Posted by: Kate Vanuden
Q: What will they call 'Bob the Builder' after he retires? A: 'Bob' Posted by: Barry Lowe of Townsville
An Englishman goes to the doctor and says, “I want to become Irish.” The doctor says, “To do that you need a third of your brain removed.” Pom: “I admire the Irish very much, so I want that done.” The doc books him into the RBH and on the day of the operation, halfway through the op, the power fails. Afterwards the doc comes up to the guy recovering in bed and says, “Your operation went off alright, but for one problem, we lost power and instead of taking out one third of your brain, we took out two thirds.” Patient; “That's alright cobber!” Posted by: Colin den Ronden of Philippines
Did you hear about the man with two wooden legs whose house caught on fire? The fire brigade managed to save his house but he burned to the ground. Posted by: Wayne Price of Kippa-Ring
The zero walked up the number eight and said “nice belt...” Posted by: Erin Willacy of Hemmant
Three blondes are lost in the desert when they stumble across some tracks. The first blonde says, “I think they're kangaroo tracks”. The second blonde says, “No, they're emu tracks”. The third blonde then gets hit by a train. Posted by: Paul of Brisbane
Two vomits were walking down the street when all of a sudden one started to cry. “What's up with you?” asks the other vomit. “Oh I always get emotional when I get to this place... this is where I was brought up.” Posted by: tyson
I went out for a drive the other night and got caught in a police radar trap. The policeman walked up to my driver's window and said that he had been waiting for me all night!! That's when I replied, “Well, I got here as fast as I could!” Posted by: Greg Tymms of Brisbane
Got drunk in town last week so took a bus home. No big deal you say. But I have never driven a bus before. Posted by: Dr Hugh Jorgan of Wickam Tce
Notice in a church newsletter - “Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become mothers will please meet with the pastor in his study.” Posted by: Trish Brighton
Eight-year-old boy says: “Dad, sign on for cricket. It's $130.00 including GST.” Dad says, “Do you know what GST means Son?” Son replies, “Sure Dad - GLOVES, SHIRT AND TROUSERS.” (This is a true story) Posted by: luca mazza of norman park
Did you know deer nuggets are cheaper than chicken nuggets? Chicken nuggets are $1.49, but deer nuggets are under a BUCK... Posted by: tyson
Have you heard the latest joke? My Career... Posted by: Steve Stewart of Brisbane
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To see his flat mate. Posted by: edward
A Canadian struck up a friendship with a Scot while travelling in Europe and invited him to visit if he came to Canada. Having stayed a day or two in his home the Canadian invited him to his hunting lodge for the weekend. Giving a conducted tour of the lodge the Canadian pointed out the taxidermist's work mounted high on the walls of the big central room, proudly stating they were his hunting trophies. The Scot was impressed and made suitable comment on these unfamiliar beasts until they reached the head of the moose. Puzzled at the lack of praise for such a large trophy the Canadian, after enduring a few moments of stunned silence, received the response “If thut's ye'r moose, mon, I'd hate to see ye'r cat!” Posted by: Jennie McCombe of Outer Brisbane 2:42pm February 25, 2009
Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says, “We don't serve your type.” Posted by: Claire Jolliffe of Buderim
Went to the post office the other day to post a parcel overseas. The clerk said it was overweight and would need another stamp. To which I enquired, “Wouldn't that just make it even heavier?” Posted by: Dr Hugh Jorgan of Wickam Tce
Why did the scarecrow win a Noble Peace Prize? He was out standing in his field. Posted by: ModaK of Brisvagas
A lady takes her dog to the vet for a routine check. After half an hour the Vet approaches the lady and picks up the dog, checking its eyes, teeth, ears and responses. He then says to the owner, I'm going to have to put him down. “Why?” the owner asks... The vet replies “He's just too heavy!” Posted by: Nik Wood of Brizzy
A man walked into a pub and saw another man sat down playing chess with a dog. He walks over and says, “That's a smart dog you have there.” The man replies, “Smart dog my arse, he hasn't won one game yet.” Posted by: Colin den Ronden of Philippines
Two cowboys staggered out of the zoo with their clothes in shreds. “Now I'm telling yuh” said one to his partner, “That's the last time I go lion dancing.” Posted by: Judi Cox of Springfield
I had to attend court as a witness to a man being bashed in a local park. The magistrate asked, “You witnessed 15 men attacking a man on the ground, why didn't you offer to go and help?” I said, “I went over to offer help but one guy turned to me and said 14 other guys had already offered help and he didn't need any more.” Posted by: Dr Hugh Jorgan of Wickam Tce
Did you hear about the poor man whose bread fell on the floor butter side up. He asked the village elders what this meant. After days of deliberation, the elders decided that the man had buttered his bread on the wrong side. Posted by: Hywel Edwards
Q: What do you call bears with not ears? A: A 'B'. Posted by: H Harry of New Farm
Q: Did you hear about the homicidal strip of bitumen? A: He was a cycle-path. Posted by: H Harry of New Farm
Q What has long hair and purple feet? A: A lion that makes his own wine. Posted by: H Harry of New Farm
Q: How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A: It's a Buccaneer Posted by: Cassie Sulzenbacher of Brisbane
Customer - (to butcher) are you a betting man? Butcher - Well yes I don't mind a bet Customer - If you are a betting man then, I bet you that you can't reach the meat above your head and if you can't I will get the meat for half price Butcher - I don't want to make that bet Customer - I thought you said you were a betting man Butcher - I am but the steaks are too high Posted by: Brad Armstrong of Bald Hills
Headache and Thirsty were sitting outside the old boatshed at Watsons Bay, talking about where the fish were biting. Headache said, “The Jewies are on thick outside the Heads, caught one just about where the Dunbar was wrecked - flamin' huge it was, had a brass lantern in it - still alight! Now Thirsty thought this over, and with a snarl said “aaarrr. yer havin a man on, talk some flamin' sense. “ “Well,” said Headache, “You take twelve pound off that fourteen-pound snapper you told me you caught inside the harbour, and I'll blow the flamin' light out in the lantern!” Posted by: robert lake
A man walked into a bar and sees that it is virtually deserted except for an old piano player in the corner. He orders a beer and, while the barman is pulling it, he says, “You ought to get some gimmick in here.” The barman says, “What do you suggest?” The man says, “I have a cat can play the piano, why don't I bring it in and we can split the profits 50-50.” The barman says okay. So the man comes back later with his cat and sits it down at the piano. The cat starts playing Beethoven and people walking by start coming in to watch and order drinks. After a while the bar becomes very crowded. The barman says to the cat's owner, “That's a wonderful cat you have there, you ought to have it orchestrated.” The next thing the cat shoots out the door. Posted by: Colin den Ronden of Philippines
As we took a walk on a no-through road near our property my husband noticed a tortoise crossing the road. Standing sentry while it took its time moving out of danger, we watched the driver of a ute slow down. Having taken in the situation he stopped, wound down his window and said “You're never going to get fit walking your tortoise!” Posted by: Jennie McCombe of Outer Brisbane
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one - but it will take nine visits. Posted by: H Harry of New Farm
My brother buys pineapples in Nambour for a dollar each and sells them at the markets for a dollar each. He wasn't making much money so he bought a bigger truck. Posted by: Dr Hugh Jorgan of Wickam Tce
Where do you find a dog with No Legs? Right where you left him! Posted by: Tony Licastro of Brisbane
1) How do you catch a Unique Rabbit? Answer: Unique up on it! 2) How do you catch a Tame Rabbit? Answer: Tame way! Posted by: Cindy Licastro of Brisbane
On a coach tour of Ireland we swapped Irish jokes, then one British traveller said, “If you're going to tell Irish jokes why not make it a real one? My sister lives in Dublin and was walking her King Charles Spaniel when she noticed a man walking towards her with a dog of the same breed. When they stopped to exchange comments on this rather expensive and less common breed, he said “D'you know, they could be broothers!” in a good Irish brogue. “Oh, I don't think so” she replied in the Queen's English, “my dogs a bitch.” “Well, there you go then,” said the Dubliner, “so's moyne!: Posted by: Jennie McCombe of Outer Brisbane 2:29pm February 25, 2009
Did you hear about the octopus that only had six tentacles? He wasnt the full squid! Posted by: Colin den Ronden of Philippines
I took my dog to the circus and he stole the show. Posted by: Judi Cox of Springfield
The teacher asked the class dunce a series of questions. “What is the capital of Germany? 'G'. Where is the Baltic Sea?” Between the Baltic 'B' and the Baltic 'D'. “What is a Hebrew? A male teabag. “Where is Hadrian's Wall?” Behind Hadrian's house. “what's another name for the Australian bite?” 3/4 of a vegemite sandwich. Posted by: Thelma McDowall of Wavell Hts
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