Chapter 10: Friendships in Our Lives



Chapter 10: Friendships in Our Lives

Key Concepts

|friends of the heart |internal tensions |

|friends of the road |relationship rules |

Chapter Outline

I. Friendships are an important relationship in our lives; they are unique because there are no rules, laws, or institutional structures that create and maintain them.

A. We expect to invest time, energy, thoughts, and feelings into our friendships.

B. We expect to develop an emotional closeness that includes self disclosure.

1. Some people, particularly feminine women and androgynous men, express intimacy through dialogue.

2. Some people, particularly masculine men, express intimacy through shared activities.

C. We expect that our friends accept both the positive and negative aspects of our selves; we do not feel we need to hide thoughts or feelings from our friends.

D. We expect to develop a level of trust, both confidence in the fact that friends will do what they say they will do and in the belief that a friend cares about us and our welfare.

E. We expect friends to indicate their support for us by showing, either verbally through dialogue or nonverbally through action, that they care.

F. Although our personal experience, gender, and ethnic background influence how we experience and express friendship, there is much common ground about what people expect and value in friendships.

II. Friendships tend to follow relatively stable rules for how they develop and function.

A. The majority of friendships work through a set of stages.

1. Friendships begin with an initial encounter, either planned or accidental.

2. Friendly relations occur when we spend time checking out whether we could develop a more lasting relationship with this person.

3. In the third stage, we work toward creating a longer-term friendship by starting to disclose our feelings, attitudes, values, thoughts, and interests.

4. Nascent friendship is when we begin to think of ourselves as friends and to work out our own rules for the relationship.

5. When we are in the stabilized friendship stage, we have determined that this relationship will continue, take future encounters for granted, and work at creating a high level of trust.

6. When one or both people stop investing in the relationship, get pulled in different directions by family or career demands, or violate trust or a rule, the friendship can begin to wane; communication tends to become defensive if it exists at all.

B. Relationships rules, even though we often are not consciously aware of them, help us figure out what is appropriate and inappropriate in this friendship.

III. Like all relationships, there are various things that make them difficult to develop and maintain.

A. Internal tensions are relationship stressors that grow out of the individuals involved in the relationship.

1. Relational dialectics (autonomy/connection, openness/privacy, and novelty/familiarity) create tension when the people involved in the friendship have different expectations and/or needs.

2. Social diversity creates tension when our interpretations of different communication styles or perceptions create misunderstandings.

3. Sexual attraction creates tension when two friends have agreed not to add romance to their relationship or if one person wants romance and the other does not.

B. External tensions are relationship stressors that grow out of the situation or context surrounding the relationship.

1. Because our lives are complex and friendships have no rules governing how often, when, and where we interact, they are frequently the easiest relationship to neglect when we have too much to do.

2. Our friendships change as we make changes in our lives (e.g., starting a new educational stage, a new career, a family; caring for others).

3. Geographic distance is becoming a larger constraint as we become a more mobile society.

IV. In addition to the general principles discussed in earlier chapters, there are four specific guidelines for enhancing communication in friendships.

A. We need to engage in dual perspective so that we can see the friendship as our friend does as well as understand the thoughts and feelings this person expresses.

B. We need to communicate honestly, even when that is not what the other person wants to hear or it does not paint a positive picture.

C. We need to be open to difference and recognize that every friendship or situation does not come in a neat either-or package.

D. We need to look beyond the small stuff so we can see the whole person.

Discussion Ideas

• Features of friendships: Ask students to indicate the verbal and nonverbal ways they express each of the features of friendships (willingness to invest, intimacy, acceptance, trust, support). Possible responses could include closeness through doing, closeness through dialogue, covert intimacy, etc. Depending upon your students’ responses, you can have a discussion about why verbal or nonverbal ways were more difficult to generate or how men and women are similar or different in the ways they express friendship.

• Friendship differences: Ask students to think of a good friendship that they have with a male and one that they have with a female. Discuss the different topics that are discussed in each of those friendships. Ask if gender make a difference on communication behaviors, such as the amount and ways they communicate with their friend. Discuss how males and females approach their friendships with others of the same and/or opposite sex. Discuss how any relationship rules that might exist in each of these relationships.

• Beginning stages of friendships: Prior to the class where you are going to discuss friendships, ask students to go out and meet someone new on campus. They should spend at least ten minutes talking to this person. When they come to class, ask them to write down the first three things that came up in their conversation and the last three things about which they talked. This is usually a good illustration of how we have scripts for first meeting someone (where are you from; what’s your major; where do you live) and the fact that we do not get much past the orientation stage of friendships in the first meeting. Responses will vary, but an example of a script includes the student explaining he is talking to this person for a class assignment. This is a common explanation, or account that students provide in these situations since it gives the other person a reason for what otherwise might be unexpected behavior.

• Ending stages of friendships: Ask students to identify a past friendship that was very important to you at one time, but that has waned or ended entirely. Which of the following statements accurately describes that friendship when it was ending? Student responses will vary, point out to them how each account, or explanation, varies in terms of dimensions of attribution (internal/external, global/specific, stable/unstable, and responsibility).

• My friend was less interested in getting together or talking with me.

• I was less interested in getting together or talking with my friend.

• Career demands took too much of my time.

• Career demands took too much of my friend’s time.

• My family situation changed (I married, had or adopted a child, etc.).

• My friend’s family situation changed.

• My friend violated my trust.

• I violated my friend’s trust.

• My friend moved.

• I moved.

• There was sexual tension in the friendship.

• My friend’s and my interests changed so that we no longer had strong common interests.

• I developed a new, strong friendship with another person.

• My friend developed a new, strong friendship with another person.

• The friendship became too routine and boring.

• Relational dialectics: Have students make a list of examples of relational dialectics they have observed in two or three of their friendships. Then, either individually or in small groups, ask them to generate a list of strategies for handling these dialectics. Which strategies do they find most useful in which kinds of situations? Common response strategies to dialectical tensions involve neutralization, selection, separation, and reframing).

• Long-distance friendships: Ask students to generate a list of ways they stay in touch with friends who are more than an hour’s drive away. Possible ways might include the telephone, e-mail, occasional visits, etc. Once you have a complete list on the board, ask those students who use each method why they choose that approach. Then, ask those who do not use each approach why. This usually leads to a discussion of obstacles for long-distance relationships (which include financial issues, different ways of expressing closeness or intimacy, maintaining a high commitment to the friendship, etc.).

• Meeting friends online: Ask students how many people have met people on-line, either in chat rooms, through bulletin board discussions, over e-mail, in MUD’s (computer programs that allow people to take control of a computerized persona), etc. Has a friendship formed with this person? How does developing a friendship on-line compare with developing a friendship face-to-face? In the discussion, encourage students to discuss the developmental phases of friendships discussed in the text (role-limited interaction, friendly relations, moving toward friendship, nascent friendship, stabilized friendship, waning friendship).

Activities

|Title |Individual |Partner/ |Group |Demonstration/ |Internet/ |

| | |Ethno | |Whole Class |InfoTrac |

|1. Differences in Friendship | X | | | | |

|2. Moving Through Friendship | | |X | | |

|3. Friendship Manual | | |X | | |

|4. Internet “Pen Pals” | | | | |X - P |

X = Marks type of activity H = Handout P = Preparation required for students/teacher

Differences in Friendship

This exercise will illustrate how our friendships with different people have an impact on our communication behavior.

Ask students to take out a sheet of paper and think of the friendships they share will other people. On this sheet of paper, have students name one friend for each category: (1) a friend who from a different culture; (2) a friend who is of a different religion; (3) a friend who is a different race; (3) a friend who is drastically different in age from you; (4) a friend who is a different sexual orientation; and (5) friend who has different socio-economic status.

Then, ask students to respond to the following questions on their sheet of paper:

1. Which friend is easier to communicate to? Why?

2. Which friend is fun to talk to? Why?

3. What do your other friends think of their relationship to your 5 friends listed above? Why?

4. Has your differences affected your friendship in any way? If so, how?

5. How do these friendships compare with your other friends who are similar to you?

Discuss the students’ answers and make them aware how our friendship differences may be very valuable. Discuss how communication behaviors differ in each of these friendships.

Moving Through Friendship

This activity highlights how communication varies in each stage of friendship.

Assign students to groups so that there is one group for each stage in the model of friendships discussed in the textbook. Tell the groups they will have fifteen minutes to construct a two-minute dialogue to illustrate the stage of friendship that their group is assigned. Encourage students to refer to their textbook to identify particular communication behaviors that tend to occur at each stage.

After all groups have presented their dialogues, summarize the activity by highlighting the role of communication in developing closeness between friends. Point out to students that communication becomes more personal (more toward an I–Thou relationship), disclosive, and informal as friendship grows and how distance, awkwardness, and less-personal disclosures occur when friendship is waning.

Friendship Manual

This exercise heightens students’ awareness of the rules they follow in their friendships. It also focuses their thinking on research that has been done on friendship rules in the United States.

Organize students into groups of five to eight members. Instruct the groups to take 20 minutes to develop a rule book for friendships among college students in the United States. Explain that they should assume the rule book is for someone who has not lived in the United States and not attended a U.S. college, so they must be very clear about what people need to say and do to be a friend.

Remind students that there are variations in friendship styles and communication and their manuals should give clear information on how to be friends with people of different races, classes, sexual orientations, and so forth.

After 20 minutes have elapsed, ask a representative from each group to read the rules it generated. List these on the chalkboard, noting which rules recur among groups. To culminate the exercise, you should focus discussion on the concept of rules as unarticulated and often unconscious expectations and patterns that influence how we relate to friends (and others).

Internet “Pen Pals”

The purpose of this activity is to compare and contrast web sites devoted to forming pen pal relationships for people from various standpoints.

Friends have written letters to create and sustain their relationships for centuries. The emergence of the internet has created new ways for people to meet and sustain their relationships. To prepare for this activity, visit a variety of “pen pal” web sites that focus on different standpoints and special interests (type “pen pals” in your favorite search engine). Examples include:

Buddhist Pen Pals ()

Kid City Post Office ()

Prison Pen Pals ()

Write a Senior Citizen ()

In class, go through each web site and ask students to make a list of similarities and differences among the sites. Lead a discussion on how this technology allows people to negotiate long distance friendships and compare it to how people negotiate their relationship in face-to-face interaction as discussed in the text.

Journal Items

• Describe a friendship you have with a member of your sex. Analyze the extent to which it conforms to the gender patterns described in the text.

Responses will vary, but gendered patterns of friendship include cultivating closeness through doing or dialogue and providing instrumental support or providing verbal emotional support.

• Describe a friendship you have with a member of the other sex. Analyze the extent to which it conforms to the gender patterns described in the text.

Responses will vary. Refer to the first Journal item above for examples of gendered patterns of friendship.

• Review the research on rules of friendship covered in of your textbook. Analyze how these rules affect or don’t pertain to your friendships. Are there other rules specific to your friendships?

Responses will vary, but rules of friendship indicate what is expected and what is (not) allowed in relationships. Examples of friendship rules include maintaining confidentiality, not sleeping with a friend’s romantic partner, providing support, time, and acceptance, etc.

• Consider a friendship that you sustain over long distances. What technologies (e.g., phone, e-mail, e-Cards, web pages, chat rooms, video phones, etc.) do you use to sustain this relationship? Do you use different technologies for different kinds of communication activities?

Responses will vary, but e-mail may be used to send jokes, e-Cards to send words of congratulation or encouragement, the phone when a big event occurs, chat rooms or web-based telephony to avoid long distance phone charges, web pages to share pictures, etc.

Panel Idea

If you didn’t organize the Multi-Racial Panel suggested for Chapter 1, it would be effective at this point in your course. Panelists who represent different races could inform the class of any race-related rules for friendship.

Media Resources

Web Sites

Name: The Virtual Community

Developer: Howard Rheingold

Brief Description: This site contains an online version of Howard Rheingold’s book The Virtual Community which discusses how people use computers to communicate, form friendships that serve as a basis for a community, and the tensions between “virtual” communities and “real” communities.

URL:

Name: Celebrate Friendship

Developer: Dave White

Brief Description: A list of books and resources about friendship and platonic love.

URL:

Name: Friendship Compatibility Quiz

Developer: iVillage

Brief Description: A questionnaire for friends to complete together (asynchronously or in real time) and compare results to identify their degree of compatibility.

URL:

Name: Office Friendships Can Boost the Bottom Line

Developer: John Burke,

Brief Description: Reports on Gallup survey that found good friends in the workplace can have a positive effect on employee motivation and job satisfaction.

URL:

Name: The Friendship page

Developer: .au

Brief Description: This site is devoted to friendships. It offers chat rooms, poetry, and cards.

URL:

Name: Building goodwill through friendships

Developer: Friendship Force organization

Brief Description: This site encourages friendships between people of different cultures in order to promote world peace and cultural understanding.

URL:

Film Ideas

A number of films depict men’s friendships and women’s friendships and highlight gender- influenced differences in how friendships develop and what they mean. You might select excerpts from several films or set aside enough class time for students to watch two complete films (one of male friends, one of female friends). Films depicting female friendships include Thelma and Louise, Fried Green Tomatoes, and Steel Magnolias. Films depicting male friendships include City Slickers, Dead Poets’ Society, and Easy Rider.

When Harry Met Sally depicts a relationship between a man and a woman and poses the question “can women and men ever really be just friends?” In addition to highlighting gender differences, this film invites discussion of whether sexual tension dooms friendships between the sexes.

About A Boy. This film illustrates the unlikely friendship between two very different people. The film illustrates how friendship can be important to both people involved.

As Good As It Gets. This film tells a story of friendship and love between two unlikely people. Ask students to consider sacrifices people make in their relationships in terms of tolerating and/or accepting other’s differences. How do friends and intimate couples negotiate their relationship when this is “as good as it gets?” Consider the role of dual perspective in this process.

Print Resources

The following books could be included in the popular press book analysis paper. Ask students to relate the research findings regarding gender, sexual orientation, and friendships to the stories told in these books.

It’s a Chick Thing: Celebrating the Wild Side of Women’s Friendship by Ame Mahler Beanland, et al.

Navigating Differences: Friendships Between Gay and Straight Men by Jammie Price

Chapter 11: Committed Romantic Relationships

Key Concepts

|agape |invitational communication |

|committed romantic relationships |ludus |

|dyadic breakdown |mania |

|dyadic phase |navigating |

|environmental spoiling |passion |

|equity |placemaking |

|eros |pragma |

|explorational communication |psychological responsibility |

|grave dressing |relational culture |

|intensifying communication |revising communication |

|intimacy |social phase |

|intrapsychic phase |social support |

| |storge |

Chapter Outline

I. Committed romantic relationships are voluntary, involve I-Thou communication, include sexual and romantic feelings, and are considered primary and permanent in our society.

A. Our traditional definition of two heterosexual parents and children has evolved to include a variety of romantic relationship configurations both here and around the world.

B. Generally, romantic love involves passion (intensely positive feelings and desires for another person), commitment (an intention to remain in the relationship), and intimacy (feelings of connection, closeness, and tenderness).

C. Romantic relationships develop based upon the love styles the partners exhibit.

1. There are three primary love styles.

a. Eros is an intense love that usually includes early self disclosure, sentimental expressions, and a quick falling in love period.

b. Storge love grows out of friendship and is usually characterized by stability.

c. Those who exhibit a ludus style view love as a game that usually includes adventure, puzzles, and commitment avoidance.

2. There are three secondary love styles.

a. Pragma combines storge and ludus love styles; people who exhibit this love style usually have clear criteria for partners that must be met before they fall in love.

b. Mania combines eros and ludus love styles; people who exhibit this love style usually devise games and tests for their potential partners and experience emotional extremes.

c. Agape combines eros and storge love styles; people who exhibit this love style usually put another’s happiness ahead of their own without any expectation of reciprocity.

II. Like friendships, romantic relationships in Western societies tend to follow a relatively predictable path.

A. Growth stages begin a romantic relationship.

1. We are individuals before we ever meet our potential romantic partner.

2. Invitational communication is where we indicate to the other person that we are interested in interacting.

3. Explorational communication involves considering the possibilities for a long-term relationship.

4. Intensifying communication occurs when we express more personal thoughts and feelings as well as begin to create our own relational culture.

5. Revising communication indicates the possible problems and dissatisfactions that exist within the relationship as well as evaluates the likelihood of the relationship continuing.

6. Commitment involves the decision to stay with the relationship over the long haul and arrange other aspects of their lives around this relationship.

B. Navigation maintains a relationship by adjusting, working through new problems, revisiting old problems, and accommodating changes in both individual and relational lives.

1. Relational culture is the private world of rules, understandings, meanings, and patterns of acting and interpreting that partners create and agree upon for their relationship.

2. In placemaking we create an environment that indicates our relationship as well as what we value, experience, and like.

C. Deterioration stages signal a possible end to a romantic relationship.

1. Dyadic breakdown occurs when romantic partners gradually stop engaging in their established patterns, understandings, and routines that make up their relational culture.

2. In the intrapsychic phase, we focus on perceived declines in closeness/intimate communication or lapses in joint activities/acts of consideration.

3. If partners do not talk about or choose to deny their problems, they experience the dyadic phase.

4. Telling outsiders that the relationship is ending is part of the social phase.

5. Social support occurs when we look to others to help us get through the relationship’s breakdown.

6. Grave dressing is burying the relationship and accepting that it has come to a close.

III. There are four guidelines for communicating in romantic relationships.

A. Dual perspective, which is an understanding of both our own and another person’s perspective, thoughts, feelings, and needs, is very important in romantic relationships.

B. With the rise of HIV/AIDS comes the responsibility of talking about and practicing safer sex, two things we are not always comfortable talking about or doing.

C. Partners should pay special attention to managing conflicts constructively. Violence and abuse among romantic partners are more common than we think.

D. As people have become more mobile, the number of long-distance relationships has also increased.

Discussion Ideas

• Defining committed romantic relationships: Have students generate a list of movies and/or television shows from the early years (prior to 1980s), the 1980s, 1990s, and 2000s depicting different types of committed romantic relationships. If they are having difficulty coming up with the early years, ask them to think about shows on Nick at Nite. Lead a discussion on how the media presentations have changed to reflect the changing nature of romantic relationships in society. You can also expand this discussion to talk about the different love styles (i.e., agape, eros, mania, ludus, pragma, and storge) the characters in these shows and movies exhibit.

• Relationship stages: In groups, ask students to develop a guidebook of what verbal, nonverbal, listening, and relational climate behaviors are most common at each stage in the relational evolution process (these stages include going from individuals to invitational communication, explorational communication, intensifying communication, revising communication, intimate bonding, navigation, as well as dyadic breakdown, intrapsychic phase, dyadic phase, social support, and grave dressing). If all groups do all stages, compare and contrast the behaviors each group generates. This also works well as a comprehensive essay question for a final exam.

• HIV/AIDS: Generally speaking we know that college students are the most educated when it comes to HIV/AIDS and also the most likely to engage in behaviors that put them at risk to become HIV positive (e.g., engaging in unprotected sex with multiple partners). Ask students to make a list of what they know about HIV/AIDS and then lead a discussion about why they believe it is so difficult to talk about this issue (often times people are more embarrassed to talk about sex than engaging in sex). You can also ask groups to come up with some scripts for addressing this issue (which could include the use of I-language, fostering a positive interpersonal climate, framing the discussion in terms of how the benefit to all parties involved). You can also visit the web site entitled “Talking To Your Partner About Condom Use” at which provides a table of what to say to a partner in negotiating using a condom (e.g., If your partner says... You say...).

• Identifying styles of loving: Listed below are 15 statements that might be made by a person about romance or a romantic partner. Identify the style of love reflected in each of the statements. (Answers are included in parentheses).

• I want to tell my partner everything about me as soon as I fall in love. (Eros)

• My partner is my best friend. (Storge)

• I could only fall in love with someone of my race and class. (Pragma)

• I am looking for a partner who will be a good parent. (Pragma)

• Love’s a game; I never take it too seriously. (Ludus)

• I wish I could be sure Pat loves me. I worry all the time. (Mania)

• I put Kim’s welfare and desires ahead of my own, and that’s the way I want it to be. (Agape)

• I fall in love hard and fast. (Eros)

• I am not looking for a committed relationship, just some fun. (Ludus)

• All I can think about is this relationship. Nothing and nobody else matters to me. (Mania)

• I am happiest when my partner is happy. (Agape)

• What I like best about my relationship is that it is so steady and peaceful--none of those dramatic ups and downs that some couples have. (Storge)

• I need to make sure my partner loves me, so I come up with tests a lot of the time. (Ludus and/or Mania)

• I intend to marry someone who is professionally ambitious. (Pragma)

• Our love just grew very gradually. We started off as friends, and eventually romantic interest developed an extra layer on the basic foundation of friendship. (Storge)

Deterioration stages: Break-ups are extremely hard. What are some reasons why people determine whether or not to end a relationship? Ask students to determine what types of phases they go through when they want to break up with someone? Ask for some examples of how people have terminated a relationship? Then, discuss if those examples were effective or not? Ask students how they overcame or got over their break up. (for instance, talk about social support and grave dressing phases).

Relationship resumes: When applying for jobs, job-seekers create resumes that list their past accomplishments and credentials for why they would make a good candidate for a particular position. What if we had to do the same for our romantic relationships? Ask students to explore the implications of such an approach (for example, people would include previous romantic partners as references, people might organize their relationships in chronological order, people would include a list of relational skills they cultivated in each relationship, people might have “internships” in romantic relationships where they tried out a relationship to get more experience before applying for a “full-time” relationship, etc.). Further, have students discuss advantages (for example, people might take their relationships more seriously because they would have to get a recommendation from previous relational partners, people could get a good sense of the prospective partner’s history in relationships, etc.) and disadvantages (for example, it might lead to the over-rationalization of relationships, people might get into a relationship just to build up a portfolio of experiences and skills that could be applied to get “promoted” to a more desirable partner, information from one relationship may be considered confidential and including it on a resume might violate issues of privacy and confidentiality, etc.).

Activities

|Title |Individual |Partner/Ethno |Group |Demonstration/Whole |Internet/ |

| | | | |Class |InfoTrac |

|1. Personal Qualifications | | |X - P | |X - P |

|2. Getting to Know You | | |X | | |

|3. Phases of Love | | | | X | |

|4. You’ve Got Style | |X | |X | |

|5. The Music of Love | | |X | |X - P |

|6. “How We Met” Relationships Stories | | |X | |X - P - H |

X = Marks type of activity H = Handout P = Preparation required for students/teacher

Personal Qualifications

This exercise increases students’ awareness of the bases of romantic attraction and gender differences in preferences for romantic partners. Either tell students to bring to class a paper with a large section of personal ads or provide students with papers (you need not use the same newspaper or date of publication).

Organize students into five- to seven-person groups. Instruct the groups to take twenty minutes to analyze personal ads for romantic partners by focusing on similarities and differences between the ads written by women and men, by members of different ethnic groups, and by heterosexuals and gays and lesbians. Students should identify differences in how the authors of ads define themselves as well as differences in what men and women, people of different races, straights and gays are looking for in romantic partners.

After 20 minutes have elapsed, lead a discussion of similarities and differences in how individuals define themselves to prospective partners and in what individuals seek in romantic partners. First, focus on similarities. For example, most personal ads emphasize bases of attraction that are more important early in a relationship than later.

Then collaborate with students to identify differences in personal ads. For example, my classes routinely find that men are more likely than women to emphasize physical attractiveness and physical qualities in prospective partners. Typically, men define themselves more in terms of career success and financial standing than women, which suggests men believe money and success are important criteria in women’s and gay men’s evaluations of them (research concurs). On the other hand, women are more likely than men to emphasize psychological qualities and personal characteristics in people they’d like to meet and to define themselves more in terms of physical qualities than do male authors. Patterns of differences among races and between straights and gays may be less distinct.

Conclude the discussion by talking with students about what personal ads communicate about how we see ourselves and what we notice and value in romantic partners. You might also invite students to discuss the implications of the criteria men and women, in general, use in searching for and evaluating romantic partners.

Variation: This activity can also be done with online personal ads. With your favorite search engine (e.g., ), type in “online personal ads” and visit these web sites.

Getting to Know You

This exercise heightens students’ awareness of the kinds of communication typical of different stages in the evolution of romantic intimacy. It parallels the exercise in Chapter 10 on stages in friendship.

Assign students to groups so that there is one group for each stage in the model of romantic relationships discussed in the textbook. Tell the groups they will have 15 minutes to construct a 2-minute dialogue to illustrate the stage of romance that their group is assigned. Encourage students to refer to their textbook to identify particular communication behaviors that tend to occur at each stage in romantic intimacy.

After all groups have presented their dialogues, summarize the activity by highlighting the role of communication in developing romantic relationships. Point out to students how communication becomes more personal (more toward an I–Thou relationship), disclosive, and informal as romance grows and how distance, awkwardness, and less-personal disclosures occur when romance ebbs.

Phases of Love

This exercise illustrates the different phases of a romantic relationship and the ways individuals communicate in each of these phases.

Ask for two individuals to play a couple. Ask the students to stand in front of the class and act out different stages of a relationship. Be sure to have the students act the different stages: invitational communication, explorational communication, intensifying communication, revising communication, commitment, navigation, and deterioration stages.

Then, ask the other students in the class if each of these phases were acted out accurately. Ask how they might have acted each phase similarly or differently. In addition, discuss ways in which males and females view each stage.

You’ve Got Style

This exercise enhances students’ understanding of the six styles of love and the ways they may interact in particular relationships.

Organize students into dyads. Allow 15 minutes for the dyads to develop a 1-2 minute demonstration of the fit or misfit between different love styles. To ensure variety in the love styles students depict, you may wish to assign styles to dyads. There are twenty-one possible matches without repeating any match.

After students have presented their demonstrations, lead a discussion of the importance of considering love styles in terms of how they fit other love styles, not in terms of their absolute character.

The Music of Love

This activity allows students to realize how popular culture reflects stages in the evolution of romance.

On the chalkboard, write the name of each stage in romance discussed in Chapter 11 of the textbook. Leave space beside or beneath each stage. Ask students to think of songs about romance that are currently popular and to identify which stage or stages each song depicts.

As students volunteer songs, write them by the appropriate stage. Ask students to recite, or sing if they wish, lyrics from the songs and to explain how those lyrics describe or embody a particular stage of romance. In discussing songs, students should be encouraged to identify connections between issues, feelings, and activities mentioned in songs and research on issues, feelings, and activities the text summarizes for each stage in romance.

Variation: Visit or and select certain song lyrics that portray stages of romantic relationships.

“How We Met” Relationship Stories

The purpose of this activity is to analyze relationship stories of how two people met and began their romantic relationship.

Before class, go to

and print out at least 5-10 short stories (one story per page; most of the stories are one to two paragraphs) of how people met. In class, divide the class into groups and give each group at least three stories. Have each group look for similarities and differences among the relationship stories. Lead a discussion about cultural scripts for how and where people meet, as well as the early stages of relationship development. Further, ask students under what circumstances they tell others about how they first met their current romantic partner, and ask them to reflect on how they would tell the story the same or differently if posting their story on the web site.

Variation: Go to your favorite search engine and search for “how we met” stories to identify stories on other websites, such as and .

Journal Items

Describe a current or past romantic relationship in terms of the stages of romance discussed in your textbook. Analyze the extent to which your relationship followed or deviated from the typical pattern identified in the text. If it did not follow the “standard” pattern, explain why you think it did not.

Responses will vary, but typical patterns of romantic relationship development include going from individuals to invitational communication, explorational communication, intensifying communication, revising communication, intimate bonding, navigation, as well as dyadic breakdown, intrapsychic phase, dyadic phase, social support, and grave dressing.

If you are in a long-distance relationship, explain how communication in it differs from a romantic relationship in which you and your partner are geographically together.

Responses will vary, but characteristics of communication in long-distance relationships might include unequal effort in sustaining the connection, unrealistic expectations for time together, lack of sharing small events, an ability to concentrate more fully on other priorities, greater intensity of feelings when being physically co-present, etc.

Consider the four guidelines for communicating in romantic relationships. Discuss how you have used each of these guidelines in your romantic relationships.

Responses will vary, but students should be able to integrate ways they use dual perspective, dealing with safer sex, handling conflicts effectively, and maintaining long-distance relationships.

Consider the advantages and disadvantages of meeting someone on-line for a potential romantic relationship. If you have never met someone on-line, consider why you have not.

Advantages of meeting someone on-line is that physical appearance, race, different abilities, etc. may be a less salient issue at the beginning of the relationship and that it might be less awkward for people who are apprehensive about meeting someone for the first time or do not like a particular type of “pick-up scene” (for example, bars or nightclubs, etc.). Disadvantages could include that the person may not be in the same geographical area (if this is a concern), may not be truthful about certain aspects of their identity, could be stalking someone, etc. People may not try to meet people on-line because they are already in a committed relationship in which they met the person face-to-face, there may be a stigma associated with meeting someone on-line, they may not be comfortable with e-mail or chat rooms, etc.

Panel Ideas

Invite three dual-career couples to talk about their relationships and especially the ways they communicate. Ideally, couples should represent some diversity in structure (marriage versus cohabitation), sexual orientation, and race. Invite each couple to make opening statements about the ways in which being a dual-career couple affects their interaction. With this panel it is especially important to leave lots of time for students’ questions, since they have high personal interest in dual-career couples.

Invite members of several non-Western cultures to discuss romantic relationships in their cultures. Each person should be given time to make an opening statement about romance in her or his society. Then encourage panelists to discuss the relationship between families and married couples, the gender roles prescribed for wives and husbands, and social attitudes toward divorce. Ideally, at least one panelist should represent a culture in which arranged marriages are still sometimes practiced.

Invite four or more gay men and lesbians to talk with the class about their romantic relationships. Caution both panelists and class members that the discussion is not about sex, but about overall relationships between gays and lesbians. Remind students that sexual activities do not define gay and lesbian relationships any more than they define heterosexual relationships. The panelists will also make this point by discussing the many dimensions of their romantic relationships. This panel can be very effective in dispelling misperceptions about gay and lesbian couples.

Invite four couples, who have been married to each other for a very long time, from a nearby retirement home to talk to the class about their marriage. Discuss ways in which they met, maintained, and decided not to terminate their relationship. Discuss ways that they kept their marriage together.

Set up a panel that features individuals who are in committed long-distance romantic relationships. In advance, ask the panelists to come prepared to discuss the challenges of long-distance loving and the ways in which they use communication to meet those challenges.

Media Resources

Web Sites

Name: All Acts of Love and Pleasure: Promiscuity, Romance, and Respect

Developer: Columbine’s Laboratory

Brief Description: This web page discusses the importance of being honest about what we are seeking in romantic relationships.

URL:

Name: Making Committed Relationships Work

Developer: Institute of Agriculture and Natural Resources

Brief Description: This web page provides a set of views on how to make committed relationships work (communication is at the heart of the recommendations).

URL:

Name: La Chaise Longue

Developer:

Brief Description: This web site is similar to a “Dear Abby” column but has some good points about various relationship topics.

URL:

Name: The Effects Of Parental Divorce On Adult Children’s Romantic Relationships

Developer: Hope College Psychology Department

Brief Description: A short thought piece on the effects divorce has on the children when they grow up and enter romantic relationships.

URL:

Name: Jewish Dating Revolutionized

Developer: Aish HaTorah

Brief Description: This site provides a series of articles, advice, and journal reflections about dating from a Jewish perspective.

URL:

Name:

Developer:

Brief Description: A directory for the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered community, the site also includes links to sites based on “how we identify,” such as deaf lesbians, dykes with disabilities, and lesbians of color.

URL:

Name:

Developer:

Brief Description: Available in several languages, this website includes information on relationships, health, careers, travel, and entertainment for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered community.

URL:

Name: Long Distance Relationships

Developer: Geraldine Voost

Brief Description: This site provides tips for negotiating long distance relationships.

URL:

Name: Same Sex Marriage: A Selective Bibliography

Developer: Paul Axel-Lute, Rutgers Law Library, Newark

Brief Description: An extensive bibliography addressing all views on the issues, including international debates and laws.

URL:

Name: Domestic/Dating Violence

Developer: Counseling Center, University of Massachusetts at Lowell

Brief Description: This web page provides resources and links on domestic violence.

URL:

Name:

Developer:

Brief Description: This commercial web site includes poems, journals, and stories devoted to love.

URL:

Name: Aspects of healthy romantic relationships

Developer: University of Texas

Brief Description: This brochure offers advices on aspects of healthy romantic relationships. It offers strategies for communicating effectively in romantic relationships.

URL:

Name: Interpersonal Communication

Developer: Terrence A. Doyle, Ph. D., Northern Virginia Community College

Brief Description: This site offers a lot of information on interpersonal communication and relationships. It gives more detailed information on several concepts and offers links.

URL:

Film Ideas

The Four Seasons depicts several romantic relationships over the course of time. It provides insight into different ways in which couples coordinate their lives and the kinds of communication that prevail in romantic relationships at different junctures in their evolution.

Sleepless in Seattle is another film that depicts the development of romance, in this case a single romantic relationship. This film can be used to teach about human needs that are met through relationships, bases of attraction, and the fears and challenges of working out a relationship that can endure.

There are a variety of short educational films on HIV/AIDS and safer sex. If you and your class think it would be appropriate and valuable to view one of these, contact your campus health center or counseling office to see what films are available on your campus. Further, the film Longtime Companion addresses the issue of HIV/AIDS, friendship, and intimacy.

The American President. This film is a love story about the U.S. President (played by Michael Douglas) and a political action (PAC) group consultant (Annette Benning). Play the Christmas party scene where the President and his Chief of Staff ask the PAC consultant about her day. In the process they learn of information that can be potentially politically advantageous. Ask students to analyze how they negotiate the shifting identities between boyfriend/girlfriend and President/PAC consultant and how they negotiate ethics in terms of whether or not the President and Chief of Staff should use this information.

The Notebook. This film depicts a wonderful love story of two unlikely characters. Play the scenes of how they met, how they fought, and eventually became a couple. The film also illustrates the hardships that the couple had to face in order to develop their relationship.

Print Resources

The following books are excellent candidates for students to critique based on the topics and concepts discussed in the textbook and class.

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships by John Gray. Ask students to discuss the differences in approach to the issue of gender/sex differences as discussed in this book and the claims of a speech communities approach.

The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right by Ellen Fein, Sherrie Schneider. This book is a great way to illustrate the regulative and constitutive aspects of relationship rules, as well as to analyze the gendered assumptions implicit within its suggestions.

The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship

by Miguel Ruiz. The author discusses fear-based beliefs and ideas that individuals have when entering a romantic relationship. He provides several examples of ways to have a loving relationship.

Love Talk: Speak Each Other's Language Like You Never Have Before by Les Parrott & Leslie Parrott. The book is written by two relationship experts that also happen to be married to each other. The authors provide ways to talk to your partner in order to have a stronger and more satisfying relationship.

Chapter 12: Communication in Families

Key Concepts

|cohabitation |traditionals |

|emotions |thoughts |

|equity |separates |

|independents |Social exchange theory |

|marriage |words |

Chapter Outline

I. Families have changed a great deal over the years. Communicating effectively is important in families. Families today are very diverse.

A. The most common forms consist of marriage and cohabitation

B. People have different reasons and goals for being part of a long-term relationship.

C. Across cultures, views vary about family.

D. Couples take a variety of paths to commitment.

a. The first path involves a gradual progression toward commitment

with a number of ups and downs along the way.

b. The second path is a rapid escalation toward marriage with no downturns or serious conflict.

c. The third path includes a medium-length courtship and progressive intimacy, followed by a hesitation and rethinking of the relationship, then marriage and strong commitment.

d. The fourth path follows a prolonged courtship period with many ups and downs and substantial, sometimes stormy conflict.

II. Many couples have long-term commitments with each other.

A. There are many reasons why some people choose not to marry.

a. Many individuals cohabit for various reasons, such as a permanent alternative, less restrictive than marriage, or same-sex cultures.

b. Although the number of cohabitating couples has increased, marriage is the most popular form of long-term commitment.

B. There are different types of relationships. Fitzpatrick categorized relationships into three types.

a. Traditional couples share conventional views of marriage and family life and they engage in conflict regularly.

b. Independents hold less conventional views of marriage and family life.

c. Separates are highly autonomous and give each other plenty of room and they share less emotionally than the other two types.

C. Communication and satisfaction in long-term commitments are very special.

a. Words impact a relationship. How partners talk and behave towards each other influences partners’ self-esteem and feelings about the relationship.

b. Thoughts refers to how partners think about each other and the marriage.

c. Emotions refers to how we feel based on what we say to others and what we communicate to ourselves through self-talk.

III. The family cycle has patterns that are unique and different compared to friendships and romantic relationships.

A. Couples who do not have children would not engage in stages 2, 3, 4, and 5. They might go through other stages in their family life cycles, but raising and launching children would not be phases in their relationship.

a. Stage 1: Establishing a Family is where a couple settles into a marriage or a cohabiting relationship and works out.

b. Stage 2: Enlarging a Family is one of the major changes in many families’ lives is the addition of children.

c. Stage 3: Developing a family involves investing a great deal of time, thought, and energy in raising the children.

d. Stage 4: Encouraging Independence is where children seek greater autonomy from families.

e. Stage 5: Launching Children is a vital change for most families, it happens when the last child leaves home to go to college, marry, or live on their own.

f. Stage 6: Postlaunching of children happens after the departure of children from the home and spouses have to redefine their marriage.

e. Stage 7: Retirement being about further changes in family life, because it can be either positive or negative.

IV. There are four guidelines for effective communication in families.

A. One of the most important guidelines for sustaining healthy families is to make fairness a high priority.

a. Social exchange theory states that people apply economic principles to evaluate their relationships.

b. Equity is fairness, based on the perception that both people involved in the relationship benefit similarly from their investments.

B. The second important guideline for communication that sustains families to be aware that families are creative projects that reflects the choices people in them make to enhance intimacy.

C. For families to remain healthy and satisfying, family members need to demonstrate continuously that they value and respect each other.

D. It is also important to no sweat the small stuff.

Discussion Ideas

• Defining families: Have students generate a list of movies and/or television shows from the early years (prior to 1980s), the 1980s, 1990s, and 2000s depicting different types of families. If they are having difficulty coming up with the early years, ask them to think about shows on Nick at Nite. Lead a discussion on how the media presentations have changed to reflect the changing nature of families in society. You might discuss how communication behaviors have changed over the years.

• Relationship types: In groups, ask students to develop a guidebook of what verbal, nonverbal, listening, and relational climate behaviors are most common with each relationship type (traditional, separates, independents). If all groups do all types, compare and contrast the behaviors each group generates. This also works well as a comprehensive essay question for a final exam. Ask the students to give real-life examples of famous couples that fit each relationship type.

• Family life cycles: In groups, ask students to develop a guidebook of what verbal, nonverbal, listening, and relational climate behaviors are most common with each family life cycle. If all groups do all stages, compare and contrast the behaviors each group generates. This also works well as a comprehensive essay question for a final exam. Ask the students to give real-life examples that fit each stage of the family life cycle.

• Communication and satisfaction: Discuss how long term commitments vary between males and females. How are words, thoughts, and emotions perceived by males and females? Are they perceived similarly or differently? What affected their answers?

Activities

|Title |Individual |Partner/Ethno |Group |Demonstration/Whole |Internet/ |

| | | | |Class |InfoTrac |

|1. Identifying Relationship Types | | | |X | |

|2. Family Life Cycles | | |X | | |

|3. Equity | | | | X | |

|4. Family Cultures |X | | | | |

X = Marks type of activity H = Handout P = Preparation required for students/teacher

Identifying Relationship Types

This exercise increases students’ awareness of Fitzpatrick’s relationship types. Before class starts, pair up your students. Then, select three special couples to either be a traditional couple, separate couple, or independent couple. Tell these couples to act the part of that particular couple. Have them mingle with other couples in the room, separately, then together at various times.

Tell the rest of the students to mingle with other students in the room either in pairs or separately. Also, tell them that there are three couples in the room. They must find the couple (when the two individuals are together) and indicate which relationship type they are. The first three individuals who discover each of the different relationship types win a prize.

Students should identify the reasons why they made their selections. The special couples should illustrate what they did to portray their relationship type. Students might discuss what characteristics are unique to each relationship type and some famous examples of each type.

Family Life Cycles

This exercise heightens students’ awareness of the different family life cycles.

Assign students to groups so that there is one group for each stage in the family life cycle discussed in the textbook. Tell the groups they will have 10 minutes to construct a 3-minute dialogue to illustrate that family life cycle that their group is assigned. Encourage students to refer to their textbook to identify particular communication behaviors that tend to occur at each stage of the family life cycle.

After all groups have presented their dialogues, summarize the activity by highlighting the role of communication in family life cycles. Point out to students how communication becomes very different at different stages of life.

Equity

This exercise illustrates the equity theory. In particular, it illustrates the differences among equitable, underbenefited, and overbenefited relationships.

Ask for two individuals to play a couple. Ask the students to stand in front of the class and act out the different types of equity in a relationship. Be sure to have the students act an equitable relationship, an underbenefited relationship, and an overbenefited relationship.

Then, ask the other students in the class if each of these types were acted out accurately. Ask how they might have acted each phase similarly or differently. In addition, discuss ways in which males and females view each stage.

Family Cultures

The purpose of this activity is to analyze how family cultures are very different.

Before class, ask students to interview a foreign student about their family. In class, divide the class into groups and give each group at least three things that they learned about a family culture. Have each group look for similarities and differences among the family culture stories. Lead a discussion about cultural scripts for how families differ in their communication behaviors and culture. Ask students if the family cultures were different from their own family’s culture. Ask them to explain what their perceptions were of each family.

Journal Items

Watch a television show about a family. Describe how your family is different from the television show that you watch. Try to relate terms that were discussed in the book.

Responses will vary, but students should be able to identify and relate with concepts of family talked about in the book. Students might discuss their communication behaviors and the type of family culture that they experience.

If you are in a romantic committed relationship, identify your relationship type and explain how communication in it differs from the other romantic relationship type.

Responses will vary, but characteristics of communication in different relationship types might include ways of handling conflict, expectations of the relationship, autonomy, etc.

Consider the four guidelines for effective communication in families. Discuss how you have used or not used each of these guidelines in your family.

Responses will vary, but students should be able to integrate ways they make fairness a high priority, enhance intimacy, respecting each other, and not sweating the small stuff.

Consider each of the family life cycles. Do you think most couples today follow the same cycle as those 20 years ago? Why or why not? How important is each stage?

Responses will vary, but students should be able to identify and illustrate their understanding of each of the stages. They should be able to express their opinions of how important they think each stage is or not.

Panel Ideas

Invite two entirely different families to talk about their relationships and especially the ways they communicate. Ideally, the family should represent some diversity in structure (marriage versus cohabitation), sexual orientation, and race. Invite each family to make opening statements about the ways in which they communicate with each other and function. It is important to highlight how family culture differences may affect each of the family members differently.

Set up a panel that features a married couple with kids and another married couple who decided not to have kids. In advance, ask the panelists to come prepared to discuss the challenges of their relationship and the ways in which they use communication to meet those challenges. You might also discuss reasons why they decided to start a family and why they did not start a family.

Media Resources

Web Sites

Name: All Acts of Love and Pleasure: Promiscuity, Romance, and Respect

Developer: Columbine’s Laboratory

Brief Description: This web page discusses the importance of being honest about what we are seeking in romantic relationships.

URL:

Name: Making Committed Relationships Work

Developer: Institute of Agriculture and Natural Resources

Brief Description: This web page provides a set of views on how to make committed relationships work (communication is at the heart of the recommendations).

URL:

Name: La Chaise Longue

Developer:

Brief Description: This web site is similar to a “Dear Abby” column but has some good points about various relationship topics.

URL:

Name: The Effects Of Parental Divorce On Adult Children’s Romantic Relationships

Developer: Hope College Psychology Department

Brief Description: A short thought piece on the effects divorce has on the children when they grow up and enter romantic relationships.

URL:

Name: Jewish Dating Revolutionized

Developer: Aish HaTorah

Brief Description: This site provides a series of articles, advice, and journal reflections about dating from a Jewish perspective.

URL:

Name:

Developer:

Brief Description: A directory for the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered community, the site also includes links to sites based on “how we identify,” such as deaf lesbians, dykes with disabilities, and lesbians of color.

URL:

Name:

Developer:

Brief Description: Available in several languages, this website includes information on relationships, health, careers, travel, and entertainment for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered community.

URL:

Name: Long Distance Relationships

Developer: Geraldine Voost

Brief Description: This site provides tips for negotiating long distance relationships.

URL:

Name: Same Sex Marriage: A Selective Bibliography

Developer: Paul Axel-Lute, Rutgers Law Library, Newark

Brief Description: An extensive bibliography addressing all views on the issues, including international debates and laws.

URL:

Name: Domestic/Dating Violence

Developer: Counseling Center, University of Massachusetts at Lowell

Brief Description: This web page provides resources and links on domestic violence.

URL:

Name:

Developer:

Brief Description: This commercial web site includes poems, journals, and stories devoted to love.

URL:

Film Ideas

Cheaper by the Dozen depicts a family culture with many individuals involved. It provides insight into the different ways in which families coordinate and fashion their communication styles

The Brady Bunch is another film that depicts family culture. This film can be used to teach about how communication differs from family to family.

Print Resources

The following books are excellent candidates for students to critique based on the topics and concepts discussed in the textbook and class.

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships by John Gray. Ask students to discuss the differences in approach to the issue of gender/sex differences as discussed in this book and the claims of a speech communities approach.

The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right by Ellen Fein, Sherrie Schneider. This book is a great way to illustrate the regulative and constitutive aspects of relationship rules, as well as to analyze the gendered assumptions implicit within its suggestions.

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