THE BIG BANG THEORY



THE BIG BANG THEORY

Spec Script

“The Good Will Reaction”

Written by

Joe Webb

1855 East Rose, Apt. 9-D

Orange, California 92867

217-259-9322

jwebb16@slu.edu

“The Good Will Reaction”

TEASER

FADE IN:

INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT – EVENING

Leonard, Sheldon, Howard, and Raj are seated in a circle in the living room. Raj holds a small pressurized tank, and is filling a balloon from the nozzle. He brings the balloon just short of his mouth, and Howard rubs his hands excitedly.

RAJ

Ready?

HOWARD

Was Sitting Bull ready for Custer to show up at Little Big Horn? Of course, we’re ready. Do it.

Raj takes a quick balloon hit. The others lean forward.

RAJ

(in an unnaturally DEEP VOICE)

Truth. Sometimes, at night, I wake up and think my Geordi La Forge collectible figure is staring at me. But it’s hard to tell because his eyes are hidden behind the visor.

Raj passes the balloon to Howard, who inhales.

HOWARD

(in an unnaturally DEEP VOICE)

Truth. When I was in junior high, I used to imagine Margaret Thatcher and Stephen Hawking having phone sex. Sometimes…I still do.

Howard passes the balloon to Leonard, who inhales.

LEONARD

(in an unnaturally DEEP VOICE)

Truth. Walowitz, that’s disgusting.

As Leonard passes the balloon to Sheldon, there is a LOUD KNOCK on the door, and Penny, dressed nicely, lets herself in. She notices the air tank, looks at Leonard, and then back at the air tank.

PENNY

I’m fairly certain that I don’t want to know – but… - what the hell are you guys doing?

LEONARD

(back to his normal voice)

Walowitz stole a tank of Sulfur Hexafluoride from the NASA vault at his lab. And now we’re playing “deep-deep-voice truth or dare.”

PENNY

Sulfur Hexa-what?

SHELDON

Sulfur Hexafluoride. It’s a high-density gas used to insulate everything from electromagnets to household windows. By allowing small amounts to enter the larynx, the timbre of vocal exhalations are significantly lowered…

Sheldon takes a quick breath of the SF6.

SHELDON (CONT.)

(in an unnaturally DEEP VOICE)

Like this.

PENNY

So you’re huffing anti-helium?

LEONARD

Basically.

PENNY

Cool. Can I try?

SHELDON

(handing her the balloon)

If you think you can handle it.

Penny inhales and begins grooving her shoulders to an imaginary sultry beat.

PENNY

(in an unnaturally DEEP VOICE)

“Take it off, Deb. Take it all off.”

HOWARD

Well, I don’t know what that was…but I like it.

PENNY

Barry White? The Sultan of Smooth Soul?

Howard and Raj shrug their shoulders and shake their heads.

SHELDON

While I’m sure your impression of Mr. White is more than adequate, I think it should be pointed out that you’re not playing by the rules, Penny. When you play “deep-deep-voice truth or dare,” you’re supposed to say the word “truth” first.

PENNY

What do you do if you want to take a dare?

Raj, Howard, Sheldon, and Leonard look at each other, confused.

LEONARD

I don’t know. No one has ever wanted to do the dare before?

PENNY

Oh sweetie, I’m pretty sure you don’t have all of the rules of truth or dare figured out completely. Then again, that might be a good thing.

Penny holds up the balloon between her two fingers, and then releases the pinched end with finality.

PENNY

Anyway, are we ready to go?

SHELDON

Hah! Was the Polish government ready for the German blitzkrieg in 1939? Were the 12 tribes of

Kobol ready for the Ceylon Attack in Battlestar Galactica?

PENNY

I’ll take that as a ye… - Actually, I’m just gonna take that as a “Sheldon.”

SHELDON

And I’m still not certain why my attendance is required at a mixer with the American Studies department.

LEONARD

I don’t know - Dr. Gablehauser thinks the Physics department needs to be more approachable.

SHELDON

But that’s absurd! I would be perfectly happy if no one new ever approached me again.

LEONARD

You know, they do actually work at the University. It might be kind of interesting.

SHELDON

Well, using that logic, I suppose we should also hold mixers with the janitorial staff?

PENNY

Oh, lighten up, Sheldon. It will be fun!

SHELDON

I detest most things that are supposed to be fun.

The gang moves out the front door, and we…

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

INT. UNIVERSITY RECEPTION ROOM – EVENING

At the inter-departmental mixer, the crowd is divided between physicists, dressed to the geeky nines, and members of the American Studies department, who look like they have all been plucked from the J-Crew catalog.

Raj, Leonard, and Sheldon are standing behind the buffet table, and Penny is mixing with a group to the side, talking to a hunky young professor of 35, Brian, and a beautiful woman in black-rimmed glasses, his sister Leslie, who looks a little like Elizabeth Hurley.

LESLIE

So, I haven’t seen you around before. Are you with the university?

PENNY

No, I’m here with my friends from the Physics Department. Sadly, a department mixer was my best option on a Friday night.

Penny points over to the buffet table at Raj, Leonard, and Sheldon.

LESLIE

These things aren’t so bad. Sometimes Professor Finkleday gets drunk and takes his shirt off… - and oh, the Indian one is pretty cute.

PENNY

Well, I’d tell you to go talk to him, but…he doesn’t really talk.

LESLIE

That’s too bad.

PENNY

So, Brian, what do you do?

BRIAN

Well, right now, I’m writing my second book…

PENNY

Yeah, what’s it about?

BRIAN

You know the movie Good Will Hunting? It’s about the portrayal of genius in American culture. I guess I’ve always felt like I have a little trouble relating to the rest of the world – so I identify with the character.

PENNY

(pointing again towards the table)

Funny, I guess my frame of reference for trouble relating to the world has shifted a little in the last year.

As Penny points, WE FOLLOW her indication over to the table:

LEONARD

I can’t believe it. These people all look like the ones who kicked our asses in high school. How did they get so much education? They’re like mutant Greek gods and goddesses.

Howard approaches from the side.

HOWARD

And speaking of goddesses, check that out.

Howard nods his head over towards the triumvirate of Penny, Leslie, and Brian.

LEONARD

Exactly, why is she talking to that guy?

HOWARD

No, I meant check out that Helen of Troy look-alike in the glasses. I think I’m gonna go bust a little physics move on her.

SHELDON

Helen of Troy was a mortal.

Howard leaves the group behind the table and heads towards Leslie. Leonard follows Howard, Sheldon follows Leonard, and Raj remains standing behind the table. Howard taps her on the shoulder.

HOWARD

Excuse me, mademoiselle, but I was wondering if you’d heard the latest university news about the engineer who remotely re-aligned the Mars rover?

LESLIE

I’m sorry – umm, I’m not real up on my science – too much American studies.

HOWARD

Well, in that case, I’m an American – how would you like to study me?

LESLIE

Oh God – that’s disgusting – but kind of funny. Do lines like that work on girls in the Physics Department?

HOWARD

No. Not really.

Brian, over-protective, and mistaking the exchange for an altercation, comes up to accost Howard.

BRIAN

Hey, are you bothering my sister?

LEONARD

(coming to Howard’s defense)

No one is bothering anyone. We’re just mixing…at the mixer.

BRIAN

I didn’t ask for your opinion, Frodo.

LEONARD

Is that supposed to be some kind of insult?

BRIAN

Yeah, and it looks to me like your little hobbit friend here was trying to hit on my sister. Maybe I should send him back to central earth.

LEONARD

First of all, it’s middle earth. And second, how is that any different from what you were just doing with Penny?

Brian takes a step forward to get into Leonard’s face.

BRIAN

Because it’s not creepy when you’re not a nerd, nerd.

SHELDON

Can I just point out that your statement is a logical fallacy, riddled with horrible internal inconsistencies, and an awkward double negative.

LEONARD

Yeah!

Brian gives Leonard a shove.

BRIAN

So that’s your thing, huh? Your crew runs around telling professors their arguments are riddled with inconsistencies?

LESLIE

Take it easy, Brian. You’re not Matt Damon – and these guys aren’t that Michael Bolton look-alike in the movie.

BRIAN

(pointing at Leonard)

That doesn’t mean that this nerd and I can’t step outside and settle this like men.

LEONARD

Hey, we’re all academics here! – there’s no need to assert our physical dominance.

Brian picks up Leonard, who protests, and begins carrying him into the hallway. As he does, we here shouts from…

PENNY and LESLIE

Hey!!!

Walowitz JUMPS on Brian’s back, but Brian easily SHAKES him off as he continues to carry Leonard towards the hallway. Brian makes a MENACING GLARE at Sheldon, and Sheldon, relying heavily on the flight tendency of his fight or flight mechanism, sprints off like lightning in the other direction.

RAJ

(watching Sheldon run from the buffet)

Holy cow! Sheldon is actually incredibly fast.

CUT TO:

INT. DEPT. HALLWAY LEADING TO BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS

While Brian carries Leonard towards a door, Leonard struggles ineffectually in his grasp.

LEONARD

Hey! Hey! Where are we going?!? Put me down!!

Brian pushes the door open by backing into it, continuing to hold the struggling Leonard. WE FOLLOW into the bathroom.

BRIAN

What? This has never happened to you before?

LEONARD

(being spun upside down)

Oh no – not the swirly!

As he protests, Brian continues spinning Leonard, places his head in the toilet, and kicks the flushing lever.

CUT TO:

INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT – NIGHT

Leonard is seated on the couch, holding his head in his hands, while Penny comforts him. Sheldon, Raj, and Howard are seated in other chairs.

PENNY

Are you sure you’re all right, sweetie?

LEONARD

Yes, I’m fine. Just embarrassed, that’s all.

PENNY

Because that guy Brian turned out to be such a jerk – the way he was all, oh, I’m the next Good Will Hunting…

SHELDON

(using air quotes for “advanced”)

Please, that movie was a joke. Evidently, what they consider to be an “advanced” Fourier system at M.I.T. is about as difficult to follow as an episode of Blue’s Clues.

PENNY

You know, he must have banged your head pretty hard into that toilet to give you such a big bump. I’m going to go across the hall to get some ice.

Penny crosses the apartment and heads towards the door.

LEONARD

(as she is leaving)

Thanks, Penny.

After she closes the door behind her, Leonard continues:

LEONARD (CONT.)

I can’t believe this! I thought I got my last swirly when the freshmen basketball team ganged up on me the day before high school graduation.

RAJ

You got a swirly from freshmen when you were a senior?

LEONARD

Yes, but those girls were ridiculously strong.

HOWARD

I’d let a group of ladies hold me down under water any time.

LEONARD

(smiling)

Actually…that one wasn’t all that bad. And by the way, Howard – thanks for at least trying to help me out.

RAJ

(laughing)

But Brian brushed him off like a bowler angry at Vijay Patel for taking him to task with a full century in the previous inning.

LEONARD

Is that a cricket reference? And what were you doing just standing there behind the buffet?

RAJ

The shrimp tempura was excellent. Plus, my religion forbids me from fighting.

LEONARD

What are you talking about? When Sheldon’s sister was here, you tried to strangle Walowitz!

RAJ

But that was over a girl. Also, Howard is much, much littler than that guy, which is why he was able to brush him off like a bowler angry at Vijay Patel…

LEONARD

(cutting him off)

All right, fine! Fine. I get it. No more Vijay Patel references.

Leonard turns his attention to Sheldon.

LEONARD (CONT.)

And why did you run off?

Sheldon laughs once in his hiccup-style cackle.

SHELDON

I’m sorry. Is that a rhetorical question?

LEONARD

No. Friends are supposed to have each other’s back.

RAJ

You should have seen him – he was incredibly fast. Why didn’t you run track in high school, Sheldon?

SHELDON

Well, presupposing that I thought such a pursuit were even a worthwhile expenditure of time, it would have been rather difficult since I was only in high school for one semester. And I was eleven.

The door opens, and Penny returns with an ice-pack.

PENNY

Here you go, sweetie.

Leonard takes the ice pack and holds it to the top of his head.

LEONARD

What are we going to do about this guys? We’re way too old to still be getting swirlies.

HOWARD

Well, we could always take a page from Wolverine, and have an adamantium alloy of retractable claws grafted to our bodies.

LEONARD

Come on, I’m being serious here!

PENNY

Well, you could start working out.

Everyone stops to stare at Penny.

PENNY (CONT.)

You know – with weights? At a gym?

Sheldon does his hiccup laugh again. Raj covers his mouth to keep from laughing in front of Penny.

PENNY (CONT.)

Hey, I’m not joking! Is there some sort of unwritten law that says physicists can’t exercise?

HOWARD

Not at all. In fact, I take my cardio-funk tape pretty seriously every morning. And I go to the gym at least once a week to work out my inner and outer thighs… - for better thrusting power.

Leonard stands up and looks at himself in the hallway mirror. He raises and broadens his chest, then pulls in his stomach – noticing the result.

LEONARD

You know what? Maybe you’re right. Starting Monday morning, Howard, you and I are going to work out.

SHELDON

Before work? But you’re my ride!

LEONARD

Well, then I guess you’ll just have to come, too.

Sheldon looks at his bicep, flexes it, and then wrinkles up his face in disgust.

CUT TO:

INT. HOWARD’S BASEMENT – MORNING

In front of the television in Howard’s basement, a weight bench has been set up. Leonard is staring at the bar which has been equipped with a ten pound weight on each side.

SHELDON

So what’s your plan, Leonard? Are you going to build your upper-body strength to the point where you can beat this baboon in a fight?

LEONARD

Well…maybe. Actually, yes.

Leonard sits down on the bench.

LEONARD (CONT.)

So what’s the deal with this, Howard?

HOWARD

This, my friend, is the bench press. You just lie down on the bench, and push the weight bar up from your chest.

LEONARD

And how much weight do you think a guy like Brian can bench press?

HOWARD

I don’t know – maybe 275 pounds?

LEONARD

And how much is this?

HOWARD

I thought we’d start with 65.

Leonard stretches out on the bench, carefully places his hands on the bar, and with Howard’s help, raises it over his chest. As soon as Howard let’s go, however, the bar falls flat, crushing Leonard.

LEONARD

Help! Help!

Sheldon rushes over, and with Howard on one side and Sheldon on the other, they lift the bar back into place.

HOWARD

Maybe we should warm up with the tape first.

LEONARD

Good idea.

Sheldon walks over to the television, and grabs a VHS tape to slide it into the VCR.

HOWARD

Wait! Not that tape.

Sheldon drops the tape to the floor and runs over to the sink to wash his hands.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

INT. DR. GABLEHAUSER’S OFFICE – MORNING

Sheldon and Leonard are standing outside of Dr. Eric Gablehauser’s office. They knock on the door and enter.

DR. GABLEHAUSER

Have a seat, gentlemen.

Leonard and Sheldon sit down in the two chairs indicated by the Physics Department Chair.

DR. GABLEHAUSER (CONT.)

Dr. Koothrapali informs me that there was something of an incident at the mixer on Friday.

SHELDON

If by incident you mean the part where a hulking-beast of an American Studies professor flushed Leonard’s head in a toilet, then you’d be right.

DR. GABLEHAUSER

That would be the one. And I probably don’t need to tell you that this looks extremely bad for the department.

LEONARD

I’m sorry, Dr. Gablehauser. It wasn’t my intention to get into a fight.

DR. GABLEHAUSER

I’m not mad because you got into the fight, Dr. Hofstadter. I’m mad because you lost.

LEONARD

Excuse me?

DR. GABLEHAUSER

Gentlemen, perhaps it hasn’t occurred to you exactly why we held this mixer last weekend, so I’ll give you a little clarification.

SHELDON

Yes, please do. I’d love to hear this.

DR. GABLEHAUSER

Well, as you may or may not be aware, our reputation isn’t exactly the most sterling these days…

SHELDON

Excuse me, sir, but this is the pre-eminent physics department in the country! We’ve won two Nobel prizes in the last decade, and given my track record to this point, one can only assume that I’ll add a third shortly.

DR. GABLEHAUSER

I’m not talking about our reputation for science, Dr. Cooper.

SHELDON

Well, to what else could you possibly be referring?

DR. GABLEHAUSER

I’m referring to the fact that I’m tired of hearing jokes from other department chairs about my faculty. And the last thing I need is to have Darius Holder tell me at racquetball on Thursday that his professors are giving my professors swirlies.

SHELDON

Well, what do you suggest we do about it?

DR. GABLEHAUSER

Get even.

LEONARD

We tried working out this morning.

SHELDON

But apparently working out mostly involves watching Walowitz lip-synch to a song called “My Prerogative” by Bobby Brown. And I failed to see how that was going to get us anywhere.

DR. GABLEHAUSER

Need I remind you, gentlemen, that you are scientists?

SHELDON

Hardly.

DR. GABLEHAUSER

Well then I’m ordering you, as your department chair, to use your big brains to figure something out.

LEONARD

(standing up)

Is that all?

DR. GABLEHAUSER

Almost.

Gablehauser takes a red and gold running singlet that has been emblazoned with the slogan PHYSICS from his desk and hands it to Sheldon.

DR. GABLEHAUSER (CONT.)

I also understand, Dr. Cooper, that you are quite the runner.

SHELDON

What’s this?

DR. GABLEHAUSER

It’s a uniform for our Physics Department University Olympics squad. Every year, we get beaten miserably in the hundred yard dash by Brian Murphy, the professor who…

LEONARD

Dunked my head into a toilet.

DR. GABLEHAUSER

Exactly. So you’ll be running for us on Saturday.

SHELDON

But Dr. Gablehauser! This isn’t fair!

DR. GABLEHAUSER

It’s not a request.

There is a pause as Sheldon looks at the singlet. Dr. Gablehauser turns his attention to some paperwork on his desk. He looks up to notice that Leonard and Sheldon are still in the room.

DR. GABLEHAUSER (CONT.)

That’s all.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT MAILBOXES – EVENING

Leonard is standing at the mailboxes, holding a large bag of food, and pulling out his mail when Penny walks into the apartment building. She also begins grabbing her mail.

LEONARD

Hey, Penny.

PENNY

Oh, hey, Leonard! How’d it go this morning with the big first workout?

She reaches over and playfully squeezes his bicep as they begin WALKING UP THE STAIRS.

PENNY (CONT.)

Did you get all buffed up?

LEONARD

Oh yes, I got all…buffed up.

Leonard does a bicep curl with the bag of food.

LEONARD (CONT.)

This bag of Indian food already feels significantly lighter.

CUT TO:

INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS

Leonard and Penny enter the apartment, expecting to find Walowitz, Raj, and Sheldon. Instead, they see a giant sewing machine set up in the middle of the living room – but no sign of the guys.

LEONARD

Sheldon? Howard? Raj? Are you guys here?

HOWARD (O.S.)

We’re in the bathroom!

PENNY

All three of you? I thought that was more of a girl thing.

Leonard and Penny cross the living room and head into the bathroom, where they see Sheldon, holding some sort of electronic device, and orchestrating an exercise.

LEONARD

What are you guys doing in here?

SHELDON

Fulfilling what is evidently one of the non-negotiable clauses in the pact of friendship.

Walowitz, Raj, and Sheldon all take a pair of tiny earplugs and insert them into their ears before Sheldon hits a button on the device, and a horrible, high-pitched wailing begins. Leonard and Penny COVER THEIR EARS. Sheldon hits the button again, stopping the noise.

PENNY

What the hell was that?!?

HOWARD

150 decibels of a 10,000 mega-Hertz sound wave.

PENNY

But why?

SHELDON

Did you notice that when I hit the button, both your and Leonard’s initial reaction was to immediately raise your arms, covering your ears, rendering you defenseless?

PENNY

So?

SHELDON

Well, after the unmitigated disaster that was Leonard’s attempt at the bench press this morning, I took Dr. Gablehauser’s suggestion under consideration. And I came up with this.

Sheldon holds out the transmitter for them to see.

LEONARD

Which is?

SHELDON

The canis barba pro humanus.

PENNY

The what?

SHELDON

It’s a dog-whistle for humans. When Leonard, wearing these tiny concealed earplugs, lures Brian into the bathroom again, I hit the button on the transmitter, and the three of us – or perhaps four, given our body mass disadvantage – secure him with these heavy duty bungee-cables. Then, Leonard gives him a swirly.

LEONARD

Do you really think this will work?

SHELDON

Leonard, I have a master’s degree and two Ph.D.’s. I’ve been named junior physicist of the year by the Nils Bohr foundation for the last three consecutive years. It will work.

HOWARD

My vote was for using a horse-tranquilizer – but it turns out they won’t sell phencyclidine to just anybody.

LEONARD

And how do we get Brian into the bathroom?

SHELDON

(pointing at Penny)

Ah, that’s where she comes in.

CUT TO:

INT. LEONARD SHELDON’S LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

The gang is seated on the couches and chairs, eating their Indian food, with the giant sewing machine in the middle.

LEONARD

So Penny calls up Brian and asks if he will take her on a tour of the American Studies department?

SHELDON

Correct.

LEONARD

And while they’re walking through the hallway – I emerge and pick a fight with him?

SHELDON

Correct.

LEONARD

But how do we know he’ll go for the swirly again?

SHELDON

Leonard, he’s about as evolved as a homo habilus discovering his opposable thumbs. It’s instinct.

LEONARD

And then, once he brings me into the bathroom, you hit the button, and we pounce?

HOWARD

Boo-yah!

LEONARD

Well, okay, then.

Leonard takes a bite of his food, and it occurs to him that he has not yet asked about the sewing machine.

LEONARD (CONT.)

By the way, what’s with the sewing machine?

SHELDON

Oh, I also designed this.

Sheldon walks over to the sewing machine, and straps on a carbon-nano tube vest made out of material that appears also to be the basis for Bruce Wayne’s bat-cape. It looks a little like he’s wearing a super-lightweight kayak.

SHELDON (CONT.)

It’s a carbon nano-tube skeleton, which, according to the laws of aerodynamics, will substantially reduce friction from drag. It’s for the race on Saturday.

LEONARD

Cool.

CUT TO:

INT. UNIVERSITY BATHROOM – AFTERNOON

Sheldon, Raj, and Howard are hiding behind the swinging hinge side of the bathroom door. An owl-eyed man with a bow-tie emerges from one of the bathroom stalls, and eyes them warily.

HOWARD

Dr. Finkleday.

DR. FINKLEDAY

Gentlemen.

Dr. Finkleday looks at them curiously for a moment more, then exits the bathroom.

SHELDON

We should have tracked the urination patterns for all of the university’s faculty to make sure the timing was right.

They each deliberately place their ear-plugs in their ears.

CUT TO:

INT. UNIVERSITY HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Penny is walking down the hallway with Brian Murphy, being mildly flirtatious – and devious!

BRIAN

I’m so glad you called. I was hoping I’d get to see you again.

PENNY

Well, I watched your movie last night, and it made me think of you.

BRIAN

Good Will Hunting?

PENNY

(nodding agreement)

I really like the scene wear they see the jerk guy at the diner, and Will asks him if he likes apples.

BRIAN

It’s always nice when the smart guy gets the girl’s number.

As Brian is delivering this line, Leonard emerges from a classroom doorway, and obstructs Brian’s progress down the hallway – standing right in front of the bathroom.

LEONARD

But who says you’re the smart guy in this situation?

BRIAN

What are you doing here, Frodo?

LEONARD

Well, I’ve been thinking about the other night.

BRIAN

What about it?

LEONARD

First of all, my name’s not Frodo – although that would be cool. And second, I’m going to even the score.

BRIAN

Oh yeah, how’s that?

Leonard fishes into his shirt pocket and pulls out two small earplugs. He holds them up to show Brian, who looks at them confusedly, and then places them in his ears.

LEONARD

Newton’s Law. For every action – there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Brian shrugs his shoulders in confusion.

LEONARD (CONT.)

I’m going to give you a swirly.

Leonard reaches out to try to grab Brian but is instead grabbed himself. Brian looks over at the door to the bathroom, then at Penny.

BRIAN

Excuse me just one second – it seems I didn’t make my point clearly enough last time.

PENNY

(smiling deviously)

Go ahead.

Penny watches Brian carry Leonard in through the bathroom door. She looks down the hallway in both directions, slips in her own set of earplugs and then quickly FOLLOWS.

CUT TO:

INT. UNIVERSITY BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS

When the door swings open with Brian carrying Leonard, we hear shouts of:

HOWARD

Now! Now!

Sheldon hits the button on the transmitter. Brian quickly drops Leonard to cover his ears.

BRIAN

What the hell?!?

Brian attempts to uncover his ears and lunge for the four conspirators, but must immediately recover his ears.

SHELDON

The bungee cords!

HOWARD

(pointing to his ears)

I can’t hear you!

SHELDON

(pointing at the cords)

The bungee cords, Howard!

HOWARD

Oh, right.

Howard and Raj try to wrestle Brian’s arms down to strap him with the heavy-duty cords, but are unable to get them to budge. Leonard and Sheldon jump in, and with two on each arm, they finally manage to secure Brian.

BRIAN

(stricken paralyzed by the noise)

Oh God!

The four men then struggle, but eventually are able to lift Brian and stick his head into the toilet. Leonard kicks the flushing lever, and then they set Brian down on the floor, still tied up.

The guys sprint to the door, and just as they are about to leave, Sheldon hits the button turning the sound off. Brian is left with his arms tied up and his hair soaked. Howard then, right before closing the door, gets in one last parting shot. He reaches around to a holster on his back, pulls out a tank of Sulfur Hexafluoride, quickly fills a balloon, and takes a quick huff.

HOWARD

(in an unnaturally DEEP VOICE)

How do you like them apples?!?

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE / CLOSER

EXT. UNIVERSITY TRACK STANDS – AFTERNOON

Howard, Raj, Leonard, and Penny are seated in the stands, awaiting the start of the University Olympics. Leslie, walking up the steps, spots them and approaches.

LESLIE

Hey guys.

PENNY

Oh hey, Leslie.

Leslie looks at Leonard.

LESLIE

So you got even, huh?

LEONARD

You could say that.

LESLIE

Well, it makes me happy. My brother can be kind of an asshole.

She nods at Walowitz, then walks over and sits down by Raj – who squirms a little uncomfortably.

LESLIE

So this is pretty exciting, right?

Raj NODS assent.

LESLIE

And you’re a physicist?

Raj NODS assent.

LESLIE

Cool. I’m gonna go grab a beer. You want one?

Raj NODS assent.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNIVERSITY TRACK – CONTINUOUS

Sheldon is stretching in the infield grass, wearing his PHYSICS singlet, with his reverse carbon nano-tube bat-cape sitting beside him. Brian approaches him.

BRIAN

So, I just wanted to say no hard feelings, huh? My sister convinced me that maybe I had it coming.

Sheldon, a laser beam of focus, NODS assent.

BRIAN

And so, instead of trying to beat all four of you nerds up, I’m just going to destroy you in this race today.

Sheldon gives him a quizzical look and then, as Brian walks away, he straps on his vest.

LOUDSPEAKER

Runners to your marks!

CUT TO:

EXT. UNIVERSITY TRACK STANDS – CONTINUOUS

Leslie returns with two beers, and hands one to Raj. Raj takes a drink, then looks at Leslie.

RAJ

Thank you.

LESLIE

Oh, so you do talk a little. I’m Leslie.

Raj reaches out to shake her hand, smiling.

RAJ

Rajesh.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNIVERSITY TRACK – CONTINUOUS

Sheldon and Brian are crouched down in lanes 5 and 6 on the track. The gun goes off, and both emerge out of their crouch into a sprint.

The race is close for about fifteen meters, until Sheldon hits a button on his side, inflating his aerodynamic kayak vest, and sprints out into a crazy lead.

FADE OUT

END OF SHOW

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