The Duck Times® - Arizona State University



[pic]The Duck Times®[pic]

| |Principal Steals School Funds! | |

|p.e.t.a. Has annual steak cook |[pic] |Former Vice President Al Gore Has |

|off at secret location! |By, Jon Doe |Acknowledged that he has invented |

| |Tuesday of last week a crime was uncovered in Tempe school district #33. The self elected dictator of |the folowing items: |

|Squirrels attack again! |Conolly middle school was caught buying a very expensive car at the new, used, and nonexistent car |The telephone, the dog, the weal, |

|See national p.5 |dealership in Athens Ohio. Dr. Savagio appeared to be using school funds to buy the car. She claimed to |the cell phone, and the microwave.|

| |be buying it for educational purposes but is now in custody and awaiting trial. Ms. Willhelm (the | |

|Record for biggest M&M broken |teacher that caught her) was fired earlier this year. | |

|in California! | |UFO found and mistaken for weather|

| | |balloon! |

| | | |

| | |New Josh discovered in Connolly |

| | |history. |

| |Flamingo Escapes! |[pic] |

| |By, Bobalitious Bobington |Isolated T-Storms |

| |Wednesday at the Holbrook prison the guards made a horrible discovery. The red flamingo they caught last|High 97° |

|Comics p.2 |year had escaped. It had been doodling on the wall and by what the guards could make out it said, “must |Low 78° |

|Puzzles p.3 |find the editor of duck times and punish him!” This made the guards nervous because they would have |Details p.3 |

|Local p.3 |another flamingo attack soon. “I am not afraid of any flamingos coming to get me.” Says Joshua Wilson |Named stupidest Paper in the world|

|Weather p.3 |editor of duck times. Although he might not be frightened, I am very nervous because if he dies than I |Email for subscription: |

|Jokes p.4 |will lose my job. It also makes me nervous because I am the one who wrote the article about the flamingo|joshuapw99@ |

|National p.5 |attack. | |

Disclaimer: Any similarities to any person living or dead are strictly coincidental.

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Local

Crazed Home Owner Attacks Television After Watching Termite Control Commercial!

Last Friday, homeowner Robert Rayhan stared firing at his television after watching a termite control commercial. He claims that the pest control service came to his house and planted probes in his brain in their evil plot to take over the world. Robert in now in the psychiatric ward of desert Samaritan hospital in mesa Arizona

Weather

Blue skies all day, but you won’t be able

To see it because of all the clouds.

Puzzles

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Jokes

Emma and Geri were locked out of their car and were trying to open the door.

Emma: "I can't get it open!"

Geri: "Well, hurry, because the top's down and it looks like it's going to rain!"

Q: Why does it take Spice Girl 2 hours to drink orange juice?

A: The carton says, "concentrate."

Why do the Spice Girls write T.G.I.F. on their shoes?

Toes Go In First.

 

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my talking clock," the man replied.

"How does it work?" asked one of his friends.

"Watch this," the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey a..hole! It's 2 in the f..king morning!"

 

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television."

The insurance agent shook his head and said,

"I'm sorry, Madam, we can't accept your claim for your husband's death because he had no policy on his life, but carried insurance only against fire."

"I know", cried the widow, "that's why I poured kerosene over him."

A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."

National

Squirrels attack again!

More squirrel attacks have been reported throughout the country. They are attacking everything from newborn babies to full grown adults. The “killer squirrels” are mostly sighted in small towns but can sometimes be found in big cities. We go to Connolly Middle School in Tempe Arizona to find out more.

Connolly middle school is a school that was founded in 1971 it has a history of bad sports teams, legends about the hall monster, Joshs, and killer squirrels. Yes, the killer squirrels started at Connolly Middle School. It happened in one of the science classes back before they banned genetics classes in middle schools. The killer squirrel was made as a science project by a student named Joshua Belington and now they have come back to Connolly and are terrorizing students and teachers. Well, mostly teachers. Why have they come back? Well, we surveyed the students on why they think they have come back and these are some of the answers we got. “I think they came back because they like the taste of the teachers here.” “I think they came back because people can’t catch them here.” “ They’re back? AHHHHH!”

Well we are here to find out why they really came back. This time we surveyed the teachers and this is the answer we got from the orchestra teacher. “Every few years the government calls me to come and play music to the Killer squirrels to calm them down so they don’t get mad and kill the whole population. I think they have finally tracked me down and come to live at Connolly to hear the music more often.” We have finally solved the mystery of the killer squirrels and now understand one more of the mysteries of life.

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