Love For A Lifetime
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Love For A Lifetime
A Premarital
Counseling Guide
Table of Contents
Section One
Getting Started
Section Two
Communication
Section Three
How Do I Love Thee
Section Four
Husband and Wife Roles
Section Five
Resolving Conflicts
Section Six
Financial Principles
Section Seven
Finding A Church
Section Eight
Biblical Principles of Sex
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Love For A Lifetime
Session 1
Getting Started
Application To Be Married
Full Name Of The Bride: _________________________
Address: ____________________________________
____________________________________
Telephone: Home: ____________________
Business: __________________
Email: ____________________
Full Name Of The Groom: _________________________
Address: ____________________________________
_____________________________________
Telephone: Home: ____________________
Business: __________________
Email: ____________________
Wedding Date:________________
Wedding Time:_______________
Wedding Location: ________________________
Reception Location:________________________
Rehersal Date and Time: ____________________
Wedding Approved : _____________ Date: __________
Note: Approval may be withdrawn at any time pending information gathered
in the counseling sessions.
Getting To Know You
Directions: Complete the following questionnaire as fully as possible. Email any questions to Pastor Waldo at whereswaldo3@.
1. Write a paragraph describing your life in such a way as to give one an accurate picture of who you are.
2. Write a similar paragraph describing your fiancée.
3. Describe in a brief paragraph, your relationship with Christ and
what you view as His place in your life for both today and in the future.
4. Write a similar paragraph describing your fiancée’s relation-
ship with Christ.
5. How are the two of you growing closer to Christ through
relationship with one another?
6. What are you doing personally today to help your fiancée
grow spiritually?
7. How did you and your fiancée meet?
8. List several things the two of you enjoy doing together.
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
9. What are three of your best memories from your dating
experience?
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
10. What are three of your worst memories from your dating
experience?
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
11. List eight qualities you had in mind that would be desirable in the person you would choose to marry.
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
12. List ten reasons which led to your decision to marry your fiancée including attitudes, personality traits, spiritual development etc.
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
o ______________________________________________
13. What are your specific goals for your marriage? Go beyond the broad, general answers such as “To have a marriage that honors the Lord”. Here, list the smaller goals that make the general goals possible.
14. List at least five contributions that you bring to this
marriage that will help it to be successful.
o _____________________________________________
o _____________________________________________
o _____________________________________________
o _____________________________________________
o _____________________________________________
o _____________________________________________
15. In your opinion, what do you think are the most important factors that will make a marriage successful?
16. What do you and your fiancée bring to the marriage that will
make it a success?
|ME |FIANCEE |
| | |
17. What have you specifically done to prepare yourself for
marriage? What more could/should you do?
18. What do you expect from your fiancée once the two of you
are married?
19. What do you believe your fiancée is expecting from you
once the two of you are married?
20. How do you know your fiancée is the one God wants you to
marry?
21. What does it mean to you when you say “I love you?”
22. How do you view the permanency of marriage? Is there a time other than death, when a marriage should end?
The Big Picture
Directions: Listen to the tape, God’s Blueprint for Marriage and
answer the following:
1. In Joshua 23, Joshua warn the nation of coming changes and how they needed to respond to them. What changes do you foresee in the future as you move from being single to being married and how is God able to help you through these changes? Please try to be specific.
2. How will your new family unit be different from your parents and why?
3. How is your fiancée different from you? Is this a good thing or not? How should this affect your thought process?
4. How does your fiancée minister to you as a suitable helper? Are there ways you believe they need to improve?
5. How are the two of you better together in a marriage covenant rather than singularly together in your dating relationship?
6. In what specific ways will you need to leave (Gen. 2:24) other relationships when you and your fiancee are married?
7. As best you can, describe the process that will need to take place to establish a cleaving relationship once you are married. How does this process begin now?
8. What is your perception of the sexual relationship in marriage? What are your expectations of this relationship?
9. How would you describe your understanding of the sexual relationship in a marriage?
10. In what ways can you show your mate they have first priority in your life behind only your relationship with Jesus Christ?
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Love For A Lifetime
Session 2
Communication
FOUR LAWS OF COMMUNICATION
(Ephesians 4:25-32)
Good relationships lasting over any length of time do not just happen automatically! All of the story plots patterned after Goldilocks and The Three Bears or Prince Charming “riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after” are purely fictional and absolutely unscriptural! Relationships simply never, ever, ever happen that way! The reason why they do not happen without effort can be found in the fact that all men are sinners, and as sinners they are selfish and finite. The fact that we are selfish and finite means that WE ARE GOING TO HAVE CONFLICTS!
However, you can take heart! Good marriages and good relationships are not built upon an absence of problems. Problems CAN and MUST be solved! God commands it! And what He has commanded He always gives the means and the strength to carry out.
In Ephesians 4:22-32; Paul talks about putting off old ways and putting on a pattern of life that models Christ. In these verses we are given four vital truths which will guide our communication and help us solve problems. These LAWS are to be used in all our relationships. Let’s learn them.
I. Law One: BE HONEST AND OPEN! Ephesians 4:25
Wayne Mack, in Marriage Relationship rightly says that one of the most
basic requirements of good communications is mutual openness and honesty! There must be honest listening and speaking if problems are to be solved.
A. Thoughts of the Mind Are Only Known to Oneself.
To see why this is true, read I Corinthians 2:11. After reading this verse, write down why a person has to verbalize his thoughts to another.
___________________________________________________________
B. Non-Verbal Communication Is Helpful, but Can Never Be Conclusive.
We can never know each other by second guessing. Non-verbal indications may cause us to question, and we should be alert to smiles, frowns, voice tones, body language, notes, presence or absence, touches, pats, hugs, helpfulness, attentiveness, and sharing. However, facts can only really be known, and problems dealt with, through open and honest communication.
C. Honesty Is More Than Not Lying.
According to Ephesians 4:25; honesty and openness are more than avoiding a lie. It means
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
D. According to these passages, what happens when we do not listen and talk honestly?
1. Proverbs 18:13
______________________________________________________
2. Amos 3:3
______________________________________________________
3. Matthew 5:23-26
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
4. Matthew 5:9
______________________________________________________
5. I Corinthians 14:8,933,40
_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
II. Law Two: KEEP CURRENT! Ephesians 4:26,27
“Be angry and sin not; Do not ever let your wrath — your exasperation — last until sundown. Leave no such room or foothold for the Devil” (Amp. Version).
A. There Are Times To Hold The Tongue.
What do the following verses say regarding this?
1. I Peter 4:8 _________________________________________________
2. Proverbs 14:12 _____________________________________________
3. James 1:19 ________________________________________________
We never have a right to expect people to live according to our preferences. We are to make righteous judgments (John 7:24; Matthew 7:1-6). We are to have a forgiving spirit (Ephesians 4:31,32); receive our weaker brother (Romans 14:12); and recognize that when a person is growing, God is teaching him.
B. There Are Times When It Is Wrong To Hold The Tongue.
If sin is hindering growth or causing harm to the body of Christ, or the offender or situation is deteriorating rapidly, it is extremely unloving to fail to seek to resolve the problem.
1. According to Ephesians 4:26; is anger sinful in itself?
________________________________________________________
2. The energy called “anger” is given to attack problems; it is give to attack and destroy people.
a. In Ephesians 4:26,27; “clamming up” is destroying whom?
(self; others)
b. In Proverbs 25:28; “blowing up” destroys others and means that the person doing this is ( in; out of ) control.
c. When we let the problem remain unsolved day after day, to whom are we giving a foothold? (Ephesians 4:26,27)
_____________________
C. Questions To Ask Yourself Before Bringing Up a Sticky Problem To Be Solved
1. Do I have the facts right? (Proverbs 18:13)
__________________________________________________
(If not, you need to admit that you are not sure.)
2. Should love hide it? (I Peter 4:9)
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
3. Is my attitude right? (Ephesians 4:15)
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
4. Is the timing right? (Proverbs 15:23b)
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
5. Are my words loving? (Ephesians 4:15)
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
6. Have I prayed for God’s help? (Proverbs 3:5b)
_________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
III. Law Three: ATTACK THE PROBLEM: NOT THE PERSON! Ephesians 4:29
A. Words Can Harm
According to James 3:5-8; what is wrong with this statement: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me”?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
B. People Are Not To Be Attacked
1. What did Christ say about “cutting people down,” calling them “racca,” meaning worthless, or fool? (Matthew 5:22)
________________________________________________________
2. When we attack someone as a person, who are we really criticizing? Who created him?
________________________________________________________
3. What are some words, voice inflections and tones, and non-verbal actions that really say to others, “I do not think you are worthwhile as a person”?
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
C. Instead, Choose Words That Will Help To Solve Problems: Words That Are Solution Oriented.
Ephesians 4:29 describes these words and non-verbal actions as those that “edify” and “minister __________ unto the hearers.”
What does this mean?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
IV. Rule Four: ACT: DON’T REACT! Ephesians 4:31,32
A. Don’t React
The tendency of our Genesis Three nature is to be defensive about dealing with our own sins and to deal with our own needs. We tend to defend, react rather than respond, blameshift, and run. (see Genesis 3:12)
How does Paul describe these Genesis Three-type actions in Ephesians 4:31?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________
When someone loves us enough to approach us about a need in our life, we can always find fault with him; but we will never solve problems nor grow by being a Genesis Three kind of person.
B. Instead, We Are To Act Ephesians 4:32
Through Christ’s Spirit, we must LEARN to be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving.
Changing habits is not easy, but it is much easier than the “way of the transgressor.” Acting to change habits may not seem simple, but we have great promises in the following passages. What are they?
1. I Corinthians 10:13
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
2. Philippians 4:13
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
When we speak of ACTING to change HABITS, we mean LIST THE STEPS REQUIRED to put the Biblical principle in its place. This is what meditation is. This is being serious about loving obedience to Christ.
Conclusion:
1. Listening and lovingly desiring to communicate to solve problems goes with each rule.
2. A desire to be God’s kind of person and to have a right relationship with Him is essential to applying His principles.
3. For additional reading:
Christian Living in the Home by Jay Adams (Chapter 3)
Marriage Relationship by Wayne Mack (Unit 4)
Say It With Love by Howard Hendricks
Communication: Key To Your Marriage by Norman Wright
Quality / Quantity Inventory
Consider the following items. Which ones do you communicate about? Rate the quality of your communication for each of these items as excellent, good, fair or poor. Rate the quantity of your communication for each of these items as too much, just right, too little, and never.
| |Quality |Quantity |
|Spiritual Issues, Church, Christian Service | | |
|Facts, Information | | |
|Ideas, Opinions, Judgments | | |
|Desires, Concerns, Interests | | |
|Feelings, Emotions | | |
|Plans, Goals, Purposes | | |
|Expectations, Aspirations | | |
|Finances | | |
|Work or School | | |
|Family matters, Parenting | | |
|Dreams | | |
|Sex | | |
|Friends | | |
|Recreation | | |
|Problems, Failures, Defeats | | |
|Joys, Victories, Successes | | |
|Current Events | | |
|What you read, study | | |
|TV, Movies, Music | | |
NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION EXERCISES
The exercises below have been designed to help you think through your nonverbal patterns of communication.
List at least ten typical nonverbal ways you typically use when you communicate with others.
o __________________________________________________________
o __________________________________________________________
o __________________________________________________________
o __________________________________________________________
o __________________________________________________________
o __________________________________________________________
o __________________________________________________________
o __________________________________________________________
o __________________________________________________________
o __________________________________________________________
o __________________________________________________________
List some nonverbal behaviors typical to you that may hinder the development of a deep and satisfying relationship in your marriage.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
List some of the nonverbal communication behaviors used on a consistent basis by your fiancée and ways you can key into them.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Communication Jammers
Make a list of the Communication Jammers found in the following passages:
Ephesians 4:25 __________________________________________________
Ephesians 429 __________________________________________________
Ephesians 4:31 __________________________________________________
Colossians 3:8,9 _________________________________________________
Proverbs 11:12,13 ________________________________________________
Proverbs 12:16 __________________________________________________
Proverbs 12:18 __________________________________________________
Proverbs 15:1 ___________________________________________________
Proverbs 15:5 ___________________________________________________
Proverbs 16:27 __________________________________________________
Proverbs 19:9 ___________________________________________________
Proverbs 18:2 ___________________________________________________
Proverbs 18:8 ___________________________________________________
Proverbs 18:13 __________________________________________________
Proverbs 18:17 __________________________________________________
Proverbs 18: 23 __________________________________________________
Proverbs 19:1 ___________________________________________________
Proverbs 19:5 ___________________________________________________
Proverbs 20:19 __________________________________________________
Proverbs 20:25 __________________________________________________
Proverbs 25:24 __________________________________________________
Proverbs 26:18,19 ________________________________________________
Proverbs 26:20,21 ________________________________________________
Proverbs 26:22 ___________________________________________________
Proverbs 27:2 ____________________________________________________
Proverbs 29:20 ___________________________________________________
Review the list of communication jammers and evaluate yourself and your fiancée on each of the items listed to discern what you are doing well and how you need to improve. Place a star by those items you personally need to work to improve. Make this exercise a real learning experience. Below, detail you plan to improve your communication skills.
Communication Checklist
Rate both yourself and your fiancée on a scale of 1 to 5 on each of the following qualities of Biblical Communication.
1 = Very weak; 2 = Weak; 3 = Fair; 4 = Good; 5 = Excellent
| |You |Fiancee |
|Does not lie | | |
|Is not evasive but willing to share everything | | |
|Never flatters | | |
|Speaks and does not clam up when under pressure | | |
|Lets someone know in a controlled way why they are angry | | |
|If bothered by someone or something, immediately finds time to discuss it with the offending party.| | |
|Is able to constructively discuss a problem one is angry about | | |
|Dews not say anything in a disrespectful way to someone who may be wrong | | |
|Does not use God’s name in frustration, bitterness, rage or irritation | | |
|Does not say things to hurt others or make another feel bad | | |
|Says things in a way calculated to help the other person understand that they did wrong and gives | | |
|the person hope for improvement | | |
|Only says things that help in a conflict situation, not things that make it worse | | |
|Always conditions criticism with some note of appreciation for legitimate strengths | | |
|Does not react emotionally when verbally ignored, attacked, frustrated, etc. | | |
|Acts to diffuse conflict situations by a kind word or question, in a spirit of reconciliation | | |
|Spends time in prayer daily | | |
|Communicates honestly with God | | |
|Shares significant events, concerns, each day with partner to the extent they desire to hear those | | |
|things | | |
|Desires to pray each day with partner about common concerns and praises | | |
|Spends time with God, focusing on listening to God’s Word in Scriptures | | |
|Able to communicate God’s Word in a situation in such a way that it produce encouragement, hope and| | |
|greater strength | | |
|Thinks carefully before speaking in tense situations | | |
|Is able to diffuse an argument by graciously dropping a matter when it is producing a quarrel | | |
|Does not answer harshly to those over whom they have power | | |
|Able and willing to draw out the feelings and thoughts of others close to them | | |
|Only speaks when well informed or knowledgeable about what should be said | | |
|Does not speak about people in a way that betrays confidence or belittles them in front of others | | |
|Able to rebuke others when needed | | |
|Able and willing to communicate the gospel or other Scripture as needed | | |
|Speaks respectfully about and to those in authority | | |
|Conversations often include words of delight and appreciation concerning one’s partner | | |
|Listens carefully and attentively when rebuked or criticized | | |
|Keeps verbal promises | | |
|Knows when and how to bring up a disagreement so that a contentious spirit is not projected | | |
|Does not hurt people in jest | | |
|Usually speaks in a way that respects others | | |
|Is not afraid to speak up to those who disagree and to take a stand when important issues are at | | |
|stake | | |
Listening Inventory
Listening well is an essential part of communication and an indispensable element in developing a deep, Godly relationship. Complete the following inventory in one color for yourself and a second color for your fiancée. Share any differences or weaknesses with each other and formulate a strategy for improvement.
Rating scale: 3 = Usually, 2 = Sometimes, 1 = Seldom, 0 = Never
|I realize that listening is an important aspect of ministering to another person. |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|When someone else is speaking to me, I pay close attention to that person and don’t allow my mind |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|to wander. | | | | |
|I don’t close my mind to what the other person is saying when they differ with my own ideas. |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|I don’t stop listening to the other person even if they are saying something I don’t want to hear. |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|People who know me would say I am a good listener. |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|I do not jump to conclusions but listen to the other person until I am sure I have understood what |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|they mean. | | | | |
|I realize the other person knows what they mean better |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|than I do. | | | | |
|I refrain from predicting what the other person is going to say. |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|I do not use the time when the other person is speaking to prepare my rebuttal. |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|I am willing to be rebuked, criticized, or challenged without defending myself immediately and |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|explaining myself. | | | | |
|I refrain from offer sarcastic or hasty advise. |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|I do not apologize too quickly in order to get the other person to stop talking leaving them |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|frustrated with me. | | | | |
|I am slow to correct the other person’s evaluation of an issue. |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|I do not tell others how they should or should not feel about an issue. |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|When someone else has spoken, I can accurately summarize and reflect what has been said. |3 |2 |1 |0 |
|When another person is speaking, I refuse to interrupt and am a patient listener. |3 |2 |1 |0 |
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Love For A Lifetime
Session 3
“ How Do I Love Thee”
Notes: “ How Do I Love Thee”
I Corinthians 13
Look at I Corinthians 13. This is often referred to as the Love Chapter of the New Testament. Record each phrase as it relates to love, determine its meaning and how it relates to your relationship with your fiancée.
I Corinthians 13 Statement:_________________________________
Meaning: ______________________________________________
Personal Application: _____________________________________
I Corinthians 13 Statement:_________________________________
Meaning: ______________________________________________
Personal Application: _____________________________________
I Corinthians 13 Statement:_________________________________
Meaning: ______________________________________________
Personal Application: _____________________________________
I Corinthians 13 Statement:_________________________________
Meaning: ______________________________________________
Personal Application: _____________________________________
I Corinthians 13 Statement:_________________________________
Meaning: ______________________________________________
Personal Application: _____________________________________
I Corinthians 13 Statement:_________________________________
Meaning: ______________________________________________
Personal Application: _____________________________________
I Corinthians 13 Statement:_________________________________
Meaning: ______________________________________________
Personal Application: _____________________________________
I Corinthians 13 Statement:_________________________________
Meaning: ______________________________________________
Personal Application: _____________________________________
I Corinthians 13 Statement:_________________________________
Meaning: ______________________________________________
Personal Application: _____________________________________
I Corinthians 13 Statement:_________________________________
Meaning: ______________________________________________
Personal Application: _____________________________________
I Corinthians 13 Statement:_________________________________
Meaning: ______________________________________________
Personal Application: _____________________________________
I Corinthians 13 Statement:_________________________________
Meaning: ______________________________________________
Personal Application: _____________________________________
I Corinthians 13 Statement:_________________________________
Meaning: ______________________________________________
Personal Application: _____________________________________
EVALUATE YOURSELF
Fill in the following chart evaluating yourself as your partner’s lover using I Corinthinans 13 as defined and illustrated.
4 – Always true, 3 – Sometimes true, 2 – Seldom true, 1 - Never true
|I am longsuffering |4 |3 |2 |1 |
|I am kind |4 |3 |2 |1 |
|I am contented; I am happy when my partner has something that I don’t |4 |3 |2 |1 |
|I don’t try to impress my partner with how great I am |4 |3 |2 |1 |
|I understand the gifts I have are by God’s grace and am not proud or arrogant |4 |3 |2 |1 |
|seeing myself as superior | | | | |
|I am not rude; I am courteous, polite, considerate and tactful |4 |3 |2 |1 |
|I am not self-centered, opportunistic or manipulative but willing to sacrifice|4 |3 |2 |1 |
|I don’t enjoy making fun of my partner or exposing their faults. I am quick |4 |3 |2 |1 |
|to express my appreciation to him/her | | | | |
|I am willing to forgive and do not hold grudges. I don’t keep a record of |4 |3 |2 |1 |
|wrongs | | | | |
|I am loyal, faithful and trustworthy, seeking to protect my partner. I am |4 |3 |2 |1 |
|willing to share their burdens. | | | | |
|I recognize my own faults and maintain a positive, hopeful attitude. I am not|4 |3 |2 |1 |
|moody | | | | |
|I am slow to anger and not easily annoyed or irritated with my partner |4 |3 |2 |1 |
|I am not suspicious and trust my partner. I have confidence in my partner and|4 |3 |2 |1 |
|treat my partner with respect | | | | |
|I am committed to my partner. I will be steadfast in this relationship. I |4 |3 |2 |1 |
|realize that love is a choice and is not contingent upon my feelings or | | | | |
|emotions | | | | |
Areas needing work: ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Reading:
Read Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages noting the primary characteristics of each love language.
Words of Affirmation:
Quality Time:
Receiving Gifts:
Acts of Service:
Physical Touch:
What is the Love Language of the following people and why?
o Yourself:
o Your Fiancee:
o Your Mother:
o Your Father:
o Your Future Mother-in-law
o Your Future Father-in-law
Complete the study guide questions relating to your fiancées Love Language
Create a strategy of expressing love that will communicate your true feeling to your fiancée. Be as specific as possible.
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. Love For A Lifetime
Session 4
Husband and Wife Roles
Lesson Instructions
1. Both
o Take the appropriate inventories in this lesson packet.
o There are two inventories for the bride and two for the groom.
o Compare your responses with those of your fiancée.
o Discuss any discrepancies and formulate a personal plan to strengthen weak areas.
2. Groom
o Listen to the tape “Throne or Doormat” using the fill in the blank outline provided in the lesson.
o Write a paragraph detailing lessons learned or key insights gained from this study.
3. Bride
o Listen to the tape “A Wife’s Role In Marriage” by Cindy Patten.
o Use the fill in the blank outline provided in the lesson.
o Write a paragraph detailing lessons learned or key insights gained from this study.
4. Groom
o Carefully study the outline “The Biblical Husband’
o Using the grid provided, map out your plan of action for each of the three major roles a Biblical Husband carries
Husband Inventory
To be completed by the future groom
N= never, R= rarely, S= sometimes, F= frequently, C= consistent
|I plan my time so that I can spend time with my partner |N |R |S |F |C |
|I am courteous to her and treat her with respect |N |R |S |F |C |
|I listen to her suggestions without resenting them |N |R |S |F |C |
|I communicate what I am doing, where I am going and what my daily schedule involves |N |R |S |F |C |
|I am on time for dates and call if emergency arises |N |R |S |F |C |
|I help her with her responsibilities |N |R |S |F |C |
|I make time for the two of us to be alone together |N |R |S |F |C |
|I do not shout at her or speak unkindly |N |R |S |F |C |
|I do not use force to get my own way |N |R |S |F |C |
|I avoid talking to her about other women in a way that implies she is inferior |N |R |S |F |C |
|I am willing to work hard enough to provide for household expenses |N |R |S |F |C |
|I work to keep myself physically attractive |N |R |S |F |C |
|I seek her counsel and advice |N |R |S |F |C |
|I look for positive qualities and behavior and enthusiastically commend her |N |R |S |F |C |
|I show respect and esteem for her around others |N |R |S |F |C |
|I avoid nitpicking and making mountains of molehills |N |R |S |F |C |
|I love sharing my ideas, interests and life with her |N |R |S |F |C |
|I listen when she is telling me something in which I am not particularly interested |N |R |S |F |C |
|I am a fun person to be with |N |R |S |F |C |
|I try to change habits that are annoying to her |N |R |S |F |C |
|I try to see things from her perspective |N |R |S |F |C |
|I try to love her in the way she wants to be loved |N |R |S |F |C |
|I exercise spiritual leadership and set an example of servanthood when we are together |N |R |S |F |C |
|I am sensitive to her problems and difficulties and try to be an encouragement to her |N |R |S |F |C |
|I attempt to show that she is the most important person in my life next to Christ |N |R |S |F |C |
Husband Inventory
To be completed by the future bride
N= never, R= rarely, S= sometimes, F= frequently, C= consistent
|He plans his time so that he can spend time with me |N |R |S |F |C |
|He is courteous to me and treats me with respect |N |R |S |F |C |
|He listen to my suggestions without resenting them |N |R |S |F |C |
|He communicates what he is doing, where he is going and what his daily schedule involves |N |R |S |F |C |
|He is on time for dates and call if emergency arises |N |R |S |F |C |
|He helps me with my responsibilities |N |R |S |F |C |
|He make time for the two of us to be alone together |N |R |S |F |C |
|He does not shout at me or speak unkindly |N |R |S |F |C |
|He does not use force to get his own way |N |R |S |F |C |
|He avoids talking to me about other women in a way that implies I am inferior |N |R |S |F |C |
|He is willing to work hard enough to provide for household expenses |N |R |S |F |C |
|He works to keep himself physically attractive |N |R |S |F |C |
|He seeks my counsel and advice |N |R |S |F |C |
|He looks for positive qualities and behavior and enthusiastically commend me |N |R |S |F |C |
|He shows respect and esteem for me around others |N |R |S |F |C |
|He avoid nitpicking and making mountains of molehills |N |R |S |F |C |
|He loves sharing his ideas, interests and life with me |N |R |S |F |C |
|He listens when I am telling him something in which he is not particularly interested |N |R |S |F |C |
|He is a fun person to be with |N |R |S |F |C |
|He works to change habits that are annoying to me |N |R |S |F |C |
|He tries to see things from my perspective |N |R |S |F |C |
|He tries to love me in the way I want to be loved |N |R |S |F |C |
|He exercises spiritual leadership and sets an example of servanthood when we are together |N |R |S |F |C |
|He is sensitive to my problems and difficulties and tries to be an encouragement to me |N |R |S |F |C |
|He acts like I am the most important person in his life next to Christ |N |R |S |F |C |
Wife Inventory
To be completed by the future bride
N= never, R= rarely, S= sometimes, F= frequently, C= consistent
|I take pride in my apartment by making it attractive and cheerful |N |R |S |F |C |
|I handle my finances responsibly |N |R |S |F |C |
|I keep myself attractive in appearance |N |R |S |F |C |
|I am a good sport, cheerful and uncomplaining |N |R |S |F |C |
|I am willing to let him have the last word when we disagree |N |R |S |F |C |
|I avoid making a fuss over minor problems I should handle alone |N |R |S |F |C |
|I show respect and admiration for him and do not compare him unfavorably with others |N |R |S |F |C |
|I show courtesy and consideration to his parents and other relatives |N |R |S |F |C |
|I take a sympathetic and intelligent interest in his work without being jealous of the time it |N |R |S |F |C |
|occasionally takes away from us | | | | | |
|I cultivate an interest in his friends and recreation |N |R |S |F |C |
|I pray regularly with and for him |N |R |S |F |C |
|I seek his counsel on important decisions |N |R |S |F |C |
|I support his decisions and cheerfully assist him |N |R |S |F |C |
|I show respect and esteem for him around others |N |R |S |F |C |
|I lovingly share my ideas, problems, joys, interests and affection with him |N |R |S |F |C |
|I avoid shouting and screaming at him |N |R |S |F |C |
|I refrain from using force or threats to get my way |N |R |S |F |C |
|I protect the time he needs to fulfill his desires |N |R |S |F |C |
|I do not embarrass him or put him down |N |R |S |F |C |
|I keep myself internally and externally attractive |N |R |S |F |C |
|I am a fun person to be with |N |R |S |F |C |
|I keep appointments and am on time for dates |N |R |S |F |C |
|I accept responsibilities and faithfully fulfill them |N |R |S |F |C |
|I am sensitive to his problems and encourage him |N |R |S |F |C |
|I try to change habits that are annoying to him |N |R |S |F |C |
Wife Inventory
To be completed by the future groom
N= never, R= rarely, S= sometimes, F= frequently, C= consistent
|She takes pride in her apartment by making it attractive and cheerful |N |R |S |F |C |
|She handles her finances responsibly |N |R |S |F |C |
|She keeps herself attractive in appearance |N |R |S |F |C |
|She is a good sport, cheerful and uncomplaining |N |R |S |F |C |
|She is willing to let me have the last word when we disagree |N |R |S |F |C |
|She avoids making a fuss over minor problems she should handle alone |N |R |S |F |C |
|She shows respect and admiration for me and does not compare me unfavorably with others |N |R |S |F |C |
|She shows courtesy and consideration to my parents and other relatives |N |R |S |F |C |
|She takes a sympathetic and intelligent interest in my work without being jealous of the time it |N |R |S |F |C |
|occasionally takes away from us | | | | | |
|She cultivates an interest in my friends and recreation |N |R |S |F |C |
|She prays regularly with and for me |N |R |S |F |C |
|She seek my counsel on important decisions |N |R |S |F |C |
|She supports my decisions and cheerfully assists me |N |R |S |F |C |
|She shows respect and esteem for me around others |N |R |S |F |C |
|She lovingly shares her ideas, problems, joys, interests and affection with me |N |R |S |F |C |
|She avoids shouting and screaming at me |N |R |S |F |C |
|She does not use force or threats to get her way |N |R |S |F |C |
|She protects the time I need to fulfill my desires |N |R |S |F |C |
|She does not embarrass me or put me down |N |R |S |F |C |
|She keeps herself internally and externally attractive |N |R |S |F |C |
|She am a fun person to be with |N |R |S |F |C |
|She keeps appointments and is on time for dates |N |R |S |F |C |
|She accepts responsibilities and faithfully fulfill them |N |R |S |F |C |
|She is sensitive to my problems and encourages me |N |R |S |F |C |
|She tries to change habits that are annoying to me |N |R |S |F |C |
A DOORMAT OR A THRONE
A Husband’s Role
KEY God never asks His children to do anything without giving them all the resources necessary to obey Him.
Philippians 2:13
Ephesians 5:25-33
The perception
by _______– The Bible teaches men are superior to women.
by _______– I’m to be my husband’s doormat.
I can do nothing right.
My life is miserable but that’s the way God wants it.
KEY GOD PLACED THE HUSBAND’S LEADERSHIP ROLE IN A CONTEXT OF LOVE WITH A SPECIFIC COMMAND FOR HIM TO LOVE HIS WIFE.
I. LOVE IS MORE THAN A FEELING.
KEY When a man desires and dotes over his wife inordinately (to the point of expecting her to do for him those things only God can do for him), he has, in this sense, loved her too much.
BIBLICAL LOVE, HOWEVER, IS NOT PRIMARILY AN __________.
• 1 Corinthians 13:5-7
When God wanted to define love, He used ______ because love is something you do much more than something you feel.
Ephesians 5:25
The real problem most of us face is not that we love our wives too much; the real problem is that we don’t love our wives enough.
So how do we define love?
• Ephesians 5:25
• John 3:16
• Ephesians 5:2
• Galatians 2:20
• Matthew 5:43-44
• Proverbs 25:21
Love is .
1 Corinthians 13:1-3
REAL LOVE ____________ WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN.
Love is giving our wives what they need without having some temporal reward as a motive.
II. LET’S SEE THIS PRINCIPLE IN ACTION!
Song of Songs 1:9-10
• Hebrew Raha – best friend
• Here Riya – most____________ friend
NOTE Tenderness of this conversation
Question: How often guys have we heard our wives say they want us to tell them we love them?
Our Response: We provide, work around the house, etc.
KEY She needs _______________.
Does she catch the fact that she is a tremendous _______in your life?
NOTE Her response (verse 13)
Pouch of __________
• That’s how much she loved him.
o Not because he was king.
o Not because he was a strong leader.
o Not because she had to.
o BECAUSE OF THE CONSTANT LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE HE DEMONSTRATED TO HER.
LOVING YOUR WIFE IS NOT AN ________, IT IS A COMMAND.
Do it because God says ________.
Do it whether or not I ___________like it.
Do it whether or not they ___________ in kind.
KEY We don’t treat our wives in a loving way because of what they do, we do it because we are ____________!
Song of Solomon 2:2-3
KEY How is she being nourished?
• … ____________ her needs?
• … ____________ her up?
My Wife’s Needs My Resources
• Time in The Word ______________________
• Time with you ______________________
• Food and Shelter ______________________
• Sufficient Sleep ______________________
• Respect ______________________
• Appreciation ______________________
• Romance ______________________
• Security ______________________
Ephesians 5:25-33
III. CYCLING BACK TO LEADERSHIP
Ephesians 5:23
Being Head (Leader) means you are responsible
• to ________
• to ________
KEY YOU _______ LEARN TO BE THE LOVING LEADER THAT GOD REQUIRES YOU TO BE.
As you live out that position in daily life, it will be easier for your wife to do the two most difficult things God requires of her:
• to be submissive to you (Ephesians 5:22-24; 1 Peter 3:1)
• to show you respect (Ephesians 5:23; 1 Peter 3:4-5)
IV. A NOTABLE EXAMPLE (MATTHEW 20:20-28)
James and John – position of honor in Christ’s Kingdom
JESUS STATES: TO BE GREAT, BECOME A SERVANT.
A WIFE'S ROLE IN MARRIAGE
To Begin...
A. The Goal of Counseling is to see where they need to change to ______ _____, not to change just to _____ the marriage. 2 Corinthians 5:9, 10
B. The Goal of Counseling is to see where _____ need to change, not their ______. Matthew 7:1-5
Introduction
Genuine unity on a football team requires a sorting out of the responsibilities. Each player must not only know what he's expected to do, but also give himself to doing it. When some players aren't doing what they're supposed to, other, more disciplined players continue to play their position even more carefully to help the team "get it together." Frustration, confusion and ultimately defeat result when players don't play their position. The same is true of marriages. Being a real team with your mate cannot be experienced unless the husband and wife know, accept and fulfill their varying, but complimentary responsibilities.
A BIBLICAL WIFE WILL BE KNOWN AS HER HUSBAND'S...
1. __________ Ephesians 5:22-24; 1 Peter 3:1-6; Colossians 3:10
A. Biblical submission does not mean:
1) ___________ Eph. 5:21; Phil. 2:3, 4; 1 Peter 5:5; Heb. 13:17
2) ______________ or ___________ Philippians 2:5-9;
Luke 2:51; 1 Corinthians 11:3; John 5:30
3) _____________________________ Proverbs 31:10-31
4) _________ Acts 18:26; Judges 13:21-23; Proverbs 31:26
5) ____________ Proverbs 31
B. From a more positive viewpoint, biblical submission is:
1)____________________________ Romans 13:1
2) ______________________ Ephesians 5:21; Philippians 2:5-9
3) ________________________1 Peter 3:1; Ephesians 5:21, 22
4) ____________________________ Ephesians 5:22; 1 Peter 3:1
5) ___________________________ Ephesians 5:22; James 4:6; Romans 8:28, 29; 1 Tim. 2:11, 12
6) ___________________________________
7) _____________________________ John 4:34; Psalm 40:7, 8; Proverbs 31:13
8) ____________________________ Eph.5:24.
9) _______________________ John 13:17; James 1:25
2. ______________ Ephesians 5:33; Romans 12:10
A. The Greek word for reverence means "to be afraid of; fear; to fear reverentially; to respect.”
B. In the Amplified Bible, Ephesians 5:33 is translated, "And let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband — that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him, and loves and admires him exceedingly."
C. 2 Cor. 12:19 "Dearly beloved, we do all things for your edifying" or... "Dear husband, I do everything in that you might be built up and honored."
D. This does not mean ______ him or be his _______! Gal. 6:1-5
• Watch your TONGUE!! Prov. 18:21
• Physical love
• Seek to take an interest in the things that interest him Phil. 2:4
• Eph 4:32 Forgive
3. ___________ Genesis 2:18-22
A. Without the woman, man, even in his perfect condition, was incomplete.
B. God made the woman to be a ___________ helper Prov. 18:22; Prov. 31:10, 11; Prov. 31:12; Psalm 128:3; Prov. 18:22
C. God created the woman to be similar to man, yet somewhat different. She is man's complement, not his ________ _____. She is to a man what a ____ is to a _____and what _____ is to a________. (i.e. indispensable 1 Cor. 11:11)
*Re change:
* Ask him...
*Get to KNOW your husband. Prov 2:10
THE BIBLICAL HUSBAND
True oneness in marriage can only be achieved as the husband knows and fulfills his Biblical role as leader.
• There are many worldly ideas about husbands’ leadership.
• Biblical principles concerning the husband’s responsibilities to the wife are clearly spelled out in Scripture…
o God holds husbands accountable for taking care of, leading, and loving their wives.
1 Peter 3:7
7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
Ephesians 5:23
23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
Colossians 3:16-25
16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
20Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
21Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
22Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. 23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. 25Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favoritism.
In a day when…
• Home is so vitally needed
• The Family is under such heavy attack
Many men who can command a business, organization, or church have abdicated the throne of responsibility in leading their homes.
Isaiah 3:12-13
12 Youths oppress my people, women rule over them.
O my people, your guides lead you astray; they turn you from the path.
13 The LORD takes his place in court; he rises to judge the people.
MEN You, your family, and your ministry are hurting if you are not leading.
WORDS THAT DESCRIBE A HUSBAND’S ROLE: learner, leader, lover
I. LEARNER
1 Peter 3:7
7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
Dwell with them according to knowledge
A. This is a command!
1. The world says, “You can’t understand a woman.”
God says, “Not only can you, you must, you must dwell
in an understanding way.”
2. This process takes time.
3. This takes study, both of Scripture and of your wife.
o Women
o Your wife
o Your wife’s particular load
B. Give attention to her, as to a weaker vessel.
Value her, as a highly prized possession.
She has value and strength.
C. Your knowledge about her affects your spiritual life.
Her problem is your problem.
She is important enough that what she thinks IS important.
II. LEADER
Ephesians 5:23
23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
1 Timothy 3:4, 5, 12
4He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. 5(If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?)
12A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well.
1 Corinthians 11:3
3Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.
A. What Leadership is Not
1. Dictating or Demanding
Matthew 20:25-28
25Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—28just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Ephesians 4:15, 29
15Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
2. The Only Decision Maker
She is his helper. He needs her insights. She has gifts.
He can delegate, but he must ultimately answer to God.
B. A Leader is a Positive Pacesetter
John 10:11-15
11“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. 13The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. 14“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me—15just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep.
How is a shepherd a leader?
How does a shepherd differ from a cowboy?
1. A leader is first and foremost a servant.
Matthew 20:20-28
20Then the mother of Zebedee’s sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him.
21“What is it you want?” he asked.
She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.”
22“You don’t know what you are asking,” Jesus said to them. “Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?” “We can,” they answered.
23Jesus said to them, “You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father.”
24When the ten heard about this, they were indignant with the two brothers. 25Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—
28just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
His concern is not for himself, to give orders, to boss other people around, or to have his own way.
His concern is to meet the needs of others.
This is a willingness to sacrifice self.
If the needs of others are not more important than his own, he is not qualified to lead.
2. The emblem of leadership is not the throne or club, but is a towel and washbasin.
John 13:1-15
1It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.
2The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. 3Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
6He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”
7Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
8“No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”
Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”
9“Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”
10Jesus answered, “A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” 11For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean.
12When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. 13“You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am.
14Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.
1 Peter 5:3
3not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.
3. Being the leader means that he must be the family’s first servant.
a. He is to be the head of his wife even as Christ is the head of the church.
b. His role model is to be Christ.
Philippians 2:6-8
6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross!
He came to serve, not to be served.
Mark 10:45
45For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.
Whatever Christ does, he does for our sake.
c. The husband is to live for the sake of the wife, always keeping her best interests at heart.
4. Christ’s leadership model
a. He practiced the principle of continuous association.
He spent great amounts of time with them.
1 Peter 3:7 dwell or live
7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.
No husband is fulfilling his God-given responsibility to his wife if he does not delight in and arrange for frequent and regular companionship with her!
Colossians 3:15
5Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.
Ephesians 3:17
17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,
What the Christian is to do with the Word of God, the husband is to do with the wife at home.
b. Christ carefully and relevantly taught His disciples.
In John 3:2 Jesus was called “teacher.”
2He came to Jesus at night and said, “Rabbi, we know you are a teacher who has come from God. For no one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him.”
1 Corinthians 14:35
35If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.
c. Christ led His disciples by being a good example.
Whenever possible, He led them by doing right rather than just telling them.
We’re not perfect yet.
Philippians 3:12-14
12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
1 John 1:9
9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
d. Christ led His disciples by making decisions and delegating responsibility to them.
John 4:1,2
1The Pharisees heard that Jesus was gaining and baptizing more disciples than John, 2although in fact it was not Jesus who baptized, but his disciples.
Matthew 28:18-20
18Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
When Christ delegated, He gave clear, concise, and specific instructions so the disciples knew what was expected of them and how they should go about their tasks.
• At the same time He gave them room to use their own initiative and creativity.
• Everyone knows who does what within the guidelines stated in Scripture for a servant.
Husbands are supposed to lead and leading involves making decisions and delegating responsibility.
• 50-50 marriages do not work.
• In marriage, someone has to be the final decision maker.
• God has ordained that it should be the husband.
• The wife’s opinion, advice, desires, suggestions, requests, fears, and questions MUST be given serious consideration.
• She is our helpmeet, advisor, resource person, our first earthly love.
Decision-making is NOT ruling, but serving.
III. LOVER
Ephesians 5:25
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
A. What is love?
1. American culture doesn’t help.
2. Popular views do not help.
3. Biblical view gives the key – giving.
• John 3:16
16For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
4. Biblical love is a test of real masculinity. Is your love God-like?
B. How do we love?
1. Leading and serving are demonstrations of love.
2. The wife has such a great need for love and the husband has such a great lack of love that God command the husband to love his wife.
Ephesians 5:28, 33
28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
3. A husband must love his wife as himself.
“I meet my needs. If I’m hungry, I eat. If I’m thirsty, I drink.”
This is a high standard.
4. Love your wife as Christ loved the church.
a. unconditionally Romans 5:8
8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
b. volitionally Ephesians 1:6,7
6to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 7In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace
c. intensely Ephesians 2:4-5
4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.
d. without end John 13:1
1It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.
e. unselfishly Philippians 2:6,7
6 Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
7 but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
f. purposefully Ephesians 5:26-27
26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
g. sacrificially Ephesians 5:2
2and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
h. manifested John 14:1-3
1Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.
C. How do we demonstrate our love for our wives?
1. By our words
2. By providing for her needs
1 Timothy 5:8
8If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
3. By protecting her
4. By helping her with chores and responsibilities
5. By sacrificing for her
6. By sharing your life with her
7. By not comparing her to others, especially women
8. By demonstrating that apart from your relationship with Christ, she has first place in your life
9. By showing her tenderness, respect, chivalry, and courtesy
Colossians 3:19
19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
1 Corinthians 13:4,5
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
10. By expressing appreciation and praise generously
Proverbs 31:28
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
11. By taking the Spiritual initiative
12. By being a good learner of her
PERSONAL MAPPING
Learner:
Leader:
Lover:
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Love For A Lifetime
Session 5
Resolving Conflicts
Resolving Conflicts God’s Way
“One thing is for sure – a Christian home is not a home without problems and conflicts. In his commentary on Matthew 18:7, John Trapp says it is as unlikely that you could strike two pieces of flint together and not have sparks as it is that you could put two sinners together and not have conflicts.
The truth is that whenever two people enter into a really close relationship, some disagreements are inevitable. They are bound to occur.
Probably, the two of you already know that from personal experience in your relationship. If you don’t, you will. You will have differences of opinion on certain issues, or else one of you doesn’t do any thinking.
Disagreements are not necessarily bad. If there are not too many of them, they can be very helpful. If they are faced and handled God’s way, they can have a positive impact rather than a negative one.
In fact, many couples who respond to their differences in a Biblical way often find that these disagreements stimulate growth and development in their lives and relationship. Contrasting or diverse viewpoints at first may appear to be monsters to be greatly feared. Later, when confronted and handled God’s way, they turn out to be friends in disguise.”
Dr. Wayne Mack, Preparing for Marriage God’s Way
As we look at the Bible, we find that conflicts can and must be resolved. This does not come naturally but does occur when people are willing to deal with conflict as directed in a multitude of Biblical Principles. Too many times it is easier for us to fight and argue rather than sit down and solve our problems in a way that honors God and brings a resolution to the conflict. Too often, marital conflict finds at it’s very core, a determination to win at all costs mentality. When the issues focus on who wins and who was right, conflicts resurface regularly and begin to perpetuate themselves.
Take very seriously the following assignments:
1. Listen to the audio tape on conflicts, taking notes as you listen.
2. List at least 5 key truths you gained from listening to the tape.
3. Fill out the Conflict Inventory Worksheet
4. Complete the Guidelines of Conflict Resolution Worksheet and discuss with you fiancée your answers and your observations of their practices.
5. Complete the worksheet on Problem Solving
Remember, God doesn’t suggest that resolving conflict is easy and requires little effort on our part. Instead, He acknowledges that sometimes it is very difficult to come to an agreement
(Proverbs 18:19). It will often require a huge amount of work and effort. God makes it clear that conflicts can be resolved with His help. There is no impossible situation. The key is following His directives as given in Scripture.
Notes on Living In The Land Of Discord:
Insight from Living In The Land Of Discord:
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Conflict Inventory Worksheet
Most couples have disagreements and conflicts in their relationships. Indicate below the approximate extent of agreement or disagreement there is between you and your fiancée for each item on the list. Use the following scale:
1 – Always agree 4 – Frequently disagree
2 – Usually agree 5 – Usually disagree
3 – Occasionally agree 6 – Always disagree
|Use of money |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Recreation |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Spiritual Matters |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Friends (social life) |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Demonstrations of affection |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Correct or proper behavior |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Philosophy of life |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Goals in Life |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Time spent together |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Making major decisions |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Leisure time, interests, activities |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Career decisions |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Praying and Bibles Study together |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Where living after we are married |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Type of housing we will live in |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|Dealing with parents and future in-laws |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
|How to resolve disagreements |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |
In what ways do the two of you agree?
What are the key areas the two of you need to work on?
Guidelines For Conflict Resolution
The following exercise will help you discern the kind of marriage partners the two of you may be. It is a list of what you and your fiancée should be doing when you have disagreements.
Read each statement. Then in the box, record the number that corresponds to how often you and your fiancée practice this rule for effective conflict resolution.
0 – I always do this 3 – I seldom do this
1 – I often do this 4 – I never do this
2 – I sometimes do this
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|When a disagreement or problem arises, I focus on what is happening and what I should do to correct it instead of | | |
|trying to understand what my fiancée does. | | |
|When a problem arises, I am ready to admit that I may be part of the problem. I focus on what I am doing wrong, | | |
|rather than on what my fiancée is doing wrong. | | |
|I realize I cannot change my fiancée; that he/she must want to change or all my efforts will compound the problem | | |
|rather than solve the problem. | | |
|I realize that love is not primarily a feeling, but actions calculated to serve, please and help my partner in a | | |
|God-honoring way. | | |
|I focus my attention on changing my own behavior, attitudes, reactions and responses toward my partner. I plan | | |
|specific, attainable, repeatable, positive changes I make | | |
|I am constantly working to develop and maintain a good communication system. I know that relationships are hindered| | |
|when there is no communication or the wrong kind of communication. | | |
|I am working to develop and maintain many common ties with my fiancée including projects, interests and recreational| | |
|activities. I do a variety of activities and am creative in the expression of my love and appreciation. | | |
|I recognize and allow for differences between my fiancée and me. I know men and women tend to view things | | |
|differently. | | |
|I regularly practice the Golden Rule as stated in Matthew 7:12. I treat my partner as I want to be treated. | | |
|I major on the positive qualities of my partner and our relationship rather than focus on the negative. I emphasize| | |
|or commonalities rather than our differences. (Philippians 4:8) | | |
|I practice the principle laid down in Luke 6:34-35. I give and serve expecting nothing in return. | | |
|I keep current. I deal with one problem at a time. I don’t continue to have reruns on arguments from the past. I | | |
|forgive and forget. (Matthew 6:34; Ephesians 4:26) | | |
|I try to maintain a close relationship with God through Jesus Christ. (John 14:6; I John 4:21; Matthew 22:37-39; | | |
|Ephesians 5:21-33) | | |
After you finish this exercise, count the number of 0 and 1 answers you gave. Next, count the number of 2, 3 or 4 answers you gave.
Number of 0-1 answers……………………__________
Number of 2-4 answers……………………__________
This exercise describes thirteen principles for good conflict resolution in your relationship with your fiancée and your dealings with other people. I describes how you can be the kind of marriage partner God wants you to be. For the statements answered with a 2,3or 4, plan how you can change and strengthen your areas of weakness. Discuss with your fiancée areas of weakness you have observed in him/her and ways each of you can work to improve those weaknesses. Formulate a plan of action to strengthen your personal weaknesses and strengthen your character.
Worksheet On Problem Solving
List below the solutions to at least four problems that you have solved together God’s way. These should be problems where you have had differences in opinion, difficult decisions to make, arguments, or personal agendas to overcome.
Problem Number One
Define clearly the problem
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What does the Bible say about the problem?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What practical way should I implement Biblical principles in solving this problem?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Problem Number Two
Define clearly the problem
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What does the Bible say about the problem?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What practical way should I implement Biblical principles in solving this problem?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Problem Number Three
Define clearly the problem
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What does the Bible say about the problem?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What practical way should I implement Biblical principles in solving this problem?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Problem Number Four
Define clearly the problem
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What does the Bible say about the problem?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What practical way should I implement Biblical principles in solving this problem?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
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Love For A Lifetime
Session 6
Financial Principles
The following material has been taken from Financial Freedom by Ray Linder, Moody Press.
Chapter One
THE QUEST FOR FINANCIAL FREEDOM
In the parable of the sower (Mark 4:1-20), Jesus indicated four responses to the good news of eternal life. His words should re-mind us that the vain quest for our own financial freedom can affect our spiritual lives.
Some listeners, Jesus said, would "hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things [would] come in and choke the word, making it un-fruitful" (verses 18-19, italics added). Wealth and the desire for other things will undermine the power of God's Word.
As I began to understand the word deceitfulness, I became disturbed by Jesus' statement about the deceitfulness of wealth. In fact, His statement became life changing. Deceitfulness means to be full of the quality of being deliberately able to mislead or deceive. This false idea or belief can cause ignorance, bewilderment, or helplessness.
To mislead someone or to cause the person to believe some-thing that is not true sounds a lot like telling a lie. Sure enough, the word lie means "to present false information with the intention of deceiving" or "to convey a false image or impression," ac-cording to the American Heritage Dictionary (third edition). It seemed clear to me that Jesus Himself was saying that money lies, and that the result of this lie is ignorance, bewilderment, or helplessness. Given the seriousness with which God regards lying (Exodus 20:16), it is no wonder that Paul wrote such a strong warning to Timothy about the "love of money," calling it "a root of all kinds of evil" that made people wander "from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs" (1 Timothy 6:10).
Love is a powerful emotion, and the love of money can produce tremendous emotional responses. People will kill for money; lie for money; steal for money; sell other people for money; and sell their own bodies for money. We will bicker with our spouses over money. In fact, money disagreements are one of the primary contributors to marital distress. We will spend our time on money. It's been said that the average American spends about half his waking hours thinking about money. If time with money takes up half of our active lives, then time with God is forced to compete with everything else in our lives.
Why do we believe having much money gives us freedom? At the root of all human desires is the urge to control. We want the freedom to do what we want, when we want, however we want, and we want to be able to do all these things without economic consequences. Since most decisions in life are influenced in someway by financial considerations, it is easy to accept the notion that with enough money we can control our lives. "The secret point of money and power in America is neither the things that money can buy nor power for power's sake . . . but absolute personal freedom, mobility, privacy," American author Joan Didion wrote more than thirty years ago.1
The first secret to reducing financial worry is found in looking beyond a dollars and cents amount. Secret number one is: Financial freedom is an attitude, not an amount. Our attitude must be that we use our resources to serve others, not to comfort ourselves. No amount of money can buy financial freedom anyway. Financial freedom comes when we are able to help others.
DECEITFUL "I TROUBLE"
Consider the following declarations made by many Americans (and sometimes you and me). Note the unstated thoughts of personal freedom (in parentheses) that often accompany these statements:
• "I can retire early (and be free of my employers and customers)."
• "I can be debt-free (and be free of my creditors)."
• "I can pay no taxes (and be free of my government)."
The world's message of financial freedom can be summed up as follows: freedom for ourselves through freedom from others. The above three goals are trumpeted by our culture, especially in the final twenty years of the twentieth century. Consider the following headlines from popular magazines during that period:
• "The New Retirement: Quit Young and Enjoy the Rest of Your Life"
• "Yes, You Can Achieve Financial Independence"
• "A Woman's Guide to Financial Independence"
• "The Black "Woman's Guide to Financial Independence"
• "Financial Independence for the Recent Grad"
• "Financial Freedom in 8 Minutes a Day"
The basic message of these and countless other inducements to seek financial freedom is "Z can take control of my life by taking control of my finances. With the right skills, the right attitude, the right books, the right wealth-building program or the right financial counselor, I can achieve financial freedom." This self-focus leads to what I call "I Trouble."
The inability of money to give freedom is obvious in Jesus' parable about a rich man with an interesting problem. Jesus summarized it: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops'" (Luke 12:16-17).
First, notice the man's concerns. Rather than praise God for his abundance, his immediate concern is: "What shall I do?" He does not see his situation of abundance as being worthy of praise; he sees it as being worthy of concern. "What shall I do?"
Next, we see what or who he cares about.
He thought to himself, "What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops." Then he said, "This is what /'// do. / will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, 'You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.'" (Luke 12:17-19, italics added)
Twelve times in verses 17-19 he refers to himself. He has I trouble; His entire world is full of himself and his things, and he cannot see the needs of others. He is not thankful for what he has because he fails to recognize Psalm 24:1: "The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it." He has failed to recognize that it is the Lord who has created within him an ability to generate wealth. According to Deuteronomy 8:18, "The Lord your God . . . gives you the ability to produce wealth." He has failed to recognize that beyond the ability, it is the Lord that provides the grain, as it says in Hosea 2:8.
The rich man has big plans: "This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods" (verse 18). Enough is not enough. He needs more. He needs bigger barns. We should be able to relate to this. The average new home built in 1949 was 1,100 square feet; in 1970 it was 1,400 square feet; and in 1993 it was 2,100 square feet. A typical three-car garage—not an unusual occurrence in a country that throws away seven million cars each year—is almost as big as the average home in the 1950s.2 It is fascinating that the average house has doubled in size despite the fact that family size has gotten smaller! It seems that we, too, need bigger "barns" to store our goods.
The rich man's goal is to be able to say to himself: "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." According to one investment advisor, "Wealth is the ability to get up in the morning, go back to bed and not have your life change."3 By this definition, it seems that our man has achieved his financial freedom. Unfortunately, there is one major problem with his accomplishment. It is a trap!
The apostle Paul wrote, "People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction" (1 Timothy 6:9). In the parable, God chides the man, "You fool!" (Luke 12:20).
Why is he a fool? Jesus is using the term to describe someone who acts without reflection, someone who acts hastily. Acting instinctively based upon what we know rather than thinking through a situation and considering other information is foolish.
When we believe our finances give us freedom, we deceive ourselves. We are fools, says God and His Son, Jesus.
It's too bad that Solomon wasn't around to be interviewed by USA Today on the subject of financial freedom. If there was ever anybody who couldn't be called a fool, it would be Solomon. Gifted by God as the wisest and wealthiest individual in history (2 Chronicles 1:12), Solomon had financial independence to an extent that no one will ever be able to approach. In Ecclesiastes 5:10-16, Solomon gives us four reasons why the rich man Jesus is speaking about is a fool.
First, he cares about something that cannot make him happy:
Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless. As goods increase, so do those who consume them. And what benefit are they to the owner except to feast his eyes on them? (verses 10-11)
Second, he is a fool because his dreams will never be fulfilled. He wants to use his wealth to take life easy—eat and drink and be merry. But Solomon says in verses 12-13: "The sleep of a laborer is sweet, whether he eats little or much, but the abundance of a rich man permits him no sleep. I have seen a grievous evil under the sun: wealth hoarded to the harm of its owner."
Third, he's a fool because no matter how much he can put into his big barns, he'll never take all of it with him. When life ends, so do his possessions:
Naked a man comes from his mother's womb, and as he comes, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand. This too is a grievous evil: As a man comes, so he departs, and what does he gain, since he toils for the wind? (verses 15-16)
But there's something else that makes the rich man foolish, and it's Jesus' central point in His story. It would appear on the surface that Jesus is just teaching His followers about the dangers of greed and materialism. But the man's foolishness goes much deeper than that. Financial freedom is about much more than money and possessions. It is about the desire to take complete control of our lives. He has I trouble, mentioning I or my eight times in Luke 12:17-18.
This desire for control clearly puts us at odds with God's sovereignty over our lives. It is a course that is doomed to failure, and that is the greatest foolishness of all.
THE PURPOSE OF MONEY
What is the purpose of having money and goods? A certain true financial freedom. This is the first secret of reducing financial worry; we recognize that true financial freedom is an attitude, not an amount. That attitude is that we find freedom from ourselves through freedom for others. Godly financial freedom uses our resources to help others.
The purpose of money is to meet our basic needs and then to help others. What a contrast from the world's financial freedom, which is a freedom for ourselves through freedom from others.
The apostle Paul understood that he did not need freedom for himself but freedom from himself:
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. . . . For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. . . . What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? (Romans 7:15,18-19,24)
The problem of freedom for ourselves is that we were not made for ourselves. The two great commandments—to love God with all your heart, with all your understanding, and with all your strength; and to love your neighbor as yourself—testify that we were made for relationships with God and with others. There- fore, meaning and fullness of life come through them and not ourselves. Unless we seek God's kingdom first, we, like Paul, are incapable of finding the freedom for ourselves that we long for.
Jesus once announced to His disciples a major principle of financial freedom: "I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings" (Luke 16:9).
The purpose of money is to acquire freedom for others in the eternal world, not to acquire freedom for ourselves in the temporal world. What God wants us to do with our money is to use it in such a way that others will be brought into God's kingdom. That can happen on four different levels:
1. In our families. Our use of money should encourage family members to serve God and not money; in particular, money should not be misused in a way that drives family away from faith (see Joshua 24:15; 1 Timothy 5:8).
2. In our neighborhoods. Our lifestyle should have a positive impact on those who live around us; our use of money should call attention to ourselves so that others might have reason to wonder why we appear to live differently than everybody else in the neighborhood.
3. In our communities. Our money should support our local church and especially to make a generous provision to pastors and teachers (Galatians 6:6; 1 Timothy 5:17).
4. In different countries. Our money should support those who are sharing the good news of Christ around the world (Matthew 28:19).
FIVE FACTS OF FINANCIAL FREEDOM
After Jesus declared what the purpose of money was, He went on to make five additional observations about worldly wealth. I call these five points "The Five Faultless Facts of Financial Freedom." Luke 16:9-15 contains five important truths for anyone seeking financial freedom.
Fact #1: We don't really keep our possessions.
In verse 9, Jesus described money as temporary, saying, "when [money] is gone." The apostle Paul added that wealth is "uncertain" (1 Timothy 6:17).
If you have doubts as to whether wealth is uncertain, ask Job. In Job 1 we read about the patriarch's substantial list of assets: a house big enough for ten children; livestock, including 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 500 yoke of oxen, and 500 donkeys; and a large number of servants. Before the second chapter of Job begins, Job is wiped out financially. All his assets were lost, and no insurance covered those losses.
One of the great tragedies about those who live to amass wealth is that they are wasting their life accumulating something that they cannot keep. Solomon, who accumulated more wealth than anyone, had this to say: "Naked a man comes from his mother's womb, and as he comes, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand. ... As a man comes, so he departs, and what does he gain, since he toils for the wind?" (Ecclesiastes5:15-16).
Once a person realizes this, Solomon says, then, "All his days he eats in darkness, with great frustration, affliction and anger" (Ecclesiastes 5:17). This sounds much more like slavery than freedom!
And consider John's prophecy against those who lived for freedom for themselves rather than freedom for others: "The fruit you longed for is gone from you. All your riches and splendor have vanished, never to be recovered" (Revelation 18: 14).
You bring nothing into this world, you take nothing out, and what you have in between belongs to God. Your money will not last, but the impact of its use can last eternally if it is used to help bring others into the eternal dwellings.
Fact #2: Money is entrusted to us to prove what we value.
Jesus told His disciples:
Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own? (Luke 16:10-12)
Jesus says that money, which will not last, should be used to gain friends, who will stay with us forever. It is clear that Jesus is saying that God values people and does not value money. Therefore, the "very little" that He refers to is money and the "much" He refers to are people. If we do not use our worldly wealth properly to provide eternal freedom for others, we will have been dishonest with what God has given us.
We can trust God for true riches; the Scriptures promise "the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints" (Ephesians 1:18), and that "God . . . richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment" (1 Timothy 6:17; see also Malachi 3:10).
God owns everything, but the one thing that He desires more of is people in His kingdom. He is willing to use what He has in abundance to gain something He wants more of. He is willing to let us share in that abundance to the extent that we can be trusted with it.
Fact #3: The use of our money demonstrates who we serve.
Another test of trustworthiness is for God to see who we are serving. "No servant can serve two masters," Jesus said. "Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money" (Luke 16:13).
There is a Hebrew saying that "no man is fit to serve two tables." That is especially the case when the "orders" of the two tables are completely opposed to each other; for instance, a vegetarian meal and a steak dinner. To be truly devoted to eating one excludes eating the other; otherwise the sincerity of your diet would be called into question. When God demands that we love Him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength (see Deuteronomy 6:5; Mark 12:30), then we must not desire anything that is even the least bit opposed to God. If the love of money is indeed the root of all kinds of evil (1 Timothy 6:10), then serving money is a direct assault on the worship of God as God!
James says that a double-minded man is "unstable in all that he does" and therefore should not expect anything from God (see James 1:7-8). Likewise, those seeking worldly wealth and financial freedom should not expect to share in God's heavenly riches.
Fact #4: The love of money distorts the truth.
Jesus described the Pharisees as those "who loved money" (Luke 16:14). The Pharisees believed their fanatical loyalty to God was the supreme form of religious expression. They considered their wealth a form of God's approval because their forefathers like Abraham and David were rich. Because of this, they took exception to Jesus' warnings. Yet they were "full of greed and self-indulgence" (Matthew 23:25), and their love of money even drove them to extortion against widows (see Matthew 23:14 NASB). But they were blinded to the fact that it was money and not God that was the true desire of their hearts.
I found myself similarly blinded when I faced the decision to leave my corporate financial management career to answer God's calling into personal financial counseling. I struggled with this move for many years, even though personal counseling was a life-long dream. I was emotionally and financially prepared to go out on my own and had watched my part-time business grow over the years to the point where the expectation of success was quite reasonable. My wife, parents, and other trusted sources of counsel all had a great sense of peace about it. Still, as excited as I was to be on the brink of fulfilling a dream, I wasn't able to take the plunge.
My problem was that my love of money put blinders on my ability to hear God speaking. One evening while discussing and praying about the move (for the umpteenth time!), I finally confided to my wife and pastor what my hang-up was. I hated my job and knew I was not in the right career field. But the salary and benefits were so great and my continued success in the company was assured. I had a retirement plan, a college savings plan, and exceptional medical benefits. It seemed so selfish to jeopardize my family's future so that I could chase a dream.
That evening my wife and pastor started me on my road to true financial freedom. My wife said, "It's obvious you hate your job, and I'm tired of you coming home so miserable each night. Whatever it costs to get the happy man I married back into this house is worth it!"
"You just heard what your wife said," my pastor then added. "I also think your daughters will benefit more by growing up with a daddy who is happy and fulfilled than whatever it is you plan to do for them in the future with all your money."
Their comments hit me like a ton of bricks. My desire to provide my family with financial freedom was actually hurting them, not helping them! My love of money had blinded me to the truth that my relationships with my wife and children were far more important than anything I could buy for them.
I've seen that same blindness in so many others who attribute their long hours in the office to "providing for their family." Like the Pharisees, they scoff at the suggestion that their actions are self-serving and point to their success as vindication of their motives. Providing for the physical needs of one's family is a necessary component of the spiritual well-being (1 Timothy 5:8), but it is not all that is required. The love of money is distorting the truth the moment you believe that financial freedom can satisfy all of your needs.
Fact #5: God detests what the world values about money.
In Luke 16:15, Jesus told the disciples, "You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight."
The Pharisees made deliberate displays of "acts of righteousness" (Matthew 6:1-9, 16) to earn the praise of the people. Financial prosperity may also earn people's admiration, but what is that compared to God's blessings? "If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand" (Psalm 37:23-24).
I tried explaining this to a friend who had called one day seeking my advice. He had seen a dramatic change in my life and wanted to know how I had accomplished that. He was going through a difficult time in his business and marriage, and, based upon his view of my life, he thought I could help him.
I told him that I had changed, that I had made a renewed commitment to seek God first and to put Jesus Christ at the center of my life. Because of that, the things I used to seek to affirm my self-image were no longer important.
"Well, that may be fine for you; maybe someday I could do that," Jeff said. "But I have some goals I need to accomplish first." Jeff (not his real name) then described his new business plans that would finally "put him on the map." This would lead to important chamber of commerce positions which would connect him to people of prominence. Others would then view him as part of a select circle of influential businessmen, which would then attract even more business to his firm and prestige for himself.
"Then, with stronger finances and reputation, I could move to a better neighborhood, where lots of highly respected leaders live," he said.
His sincerity about his desire for wealth, position, and prestige took me by surprise. He was very serious about all this. However, it was clear that his plans were not really about the business. It was about putting himself on display so that he could justify himself in the eyes of men. I summarized the story of Solomon and how meaningless all this turned out to be for him in this life. Then I told him how the positive changes he envied in my life were a direct result of my giving up similar dreams. I finally warned him: "Jeff, I've got to tell you the course you're mapping for your family and yourself is filled with eternal danger." I explained that God cared more about his soul than material success.
"Thanks, Ray, but I'm a good person," Jeff answered. "The integrity with which I operate my business proves that. God would never oppose me." His love of money had distorted the truth.
I left our conversation saddened. Jeff could not realize that his love of money, though highly valued by men, was detestable in God's sight.
TRUE FINANCIAL FREEDOM
According to Jesus, financial freedom is a matter of motivation. It is not a state of assets but a state of mind. Retired U.S. Senator Bill Bradley, speaking about Americans yearning for something deeper than material possessions, said:
Ever get to the point where you realize that the best thing about being alive ... is being alive? Being alive to the smallest things: a child's question, the color of a turning leaf, a sight you've never seen that you pass on your way to work each day. These are not unimportant questions.4
True financial freedom has nothing to do with the amount of your finances, but it has everything to do with how you feel about your finances. From a worldly standpoint, financial freedom is about gathering assets to gain control over your life. As we've seen, however, this is a lie and a trap. True financial freedom is about submitting control of your life to God and sacrificially sharing your wealth with others. The person who can do this will find himself becoming less driven toward "the things of this world" and more driven toward the kingdom of God.
Our culture's message of financial freedom is "You should get what you deserve." The intent is to give of yourself to get for yourself. If you work hard enough or smart enough, financial prosperity and a life of self-indulgent pleasure is a worthy goal and fair reward for your efforts. But let's remember that the gospel is a message about the sacrifice of God. "God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son" (John 3:16). He owed us nothing, yet He gave us a priceless and eternal gift. He gave of Himself to give to others!
Significantly, when God declared that the world He created was very good (Genesis 1:31), it was, in part, because its resources could be used for the benefit of someone other than Himself. Of all the ways God could have chosen to exercise His freedom, He chose to sacrificially give everything to those who deserved nothing.
Therefore, since we are beings created in God's image, sacrifice should come easily if we have truly accepted the gospel message to become the seed that produces fruit thirty, sixty, and one hundred times over. Just as serving God and serving money is an irreconcilable contradiction, a Christian who does not see the well-being of others as of tremendous personal importance calls into question the sincerity of his or her commitment to the gospel.
We were not made to be free, financially or otherwise. We were made for spiritual bonding with God and our neighbors. We cannot expect to find real meaning in life through the things money can buy. As Jesus said, "Life does not consist in the abundance of ... possessions" (Luke 12:15).
When the apostle Paul challenged the wealthy Corinthians (2 Corinthians 8-9) to give cheerfully, he was looking for them to demonstrate the same spirit of neighborly concern as the poor Macedonians. Out of their extreme poverty, the Macedonian Christians let God's grace overflow in rich generosity. Modeling Jesus' sacrifice, the Macedonians yielded their circumstances to God's control and exercised the freedom to share what they had with others. Paul could justifiably make this challenge on the basis of the financial freedom he demonstrated in his own life,
where he "learned to be content whatever the circumstances . . .whether living in plenty or in want" (Philippians 4:11-12).
Paul's strength came from the affirmation of God, not the admiration of men. He boldly declared, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13). It is when we make sacrifices for others in response to Jesus' sacrifice for us that we find the true value in life and best define our worth.
Tuberculosis was once called consumption because it causes people to waste away. The quest for financial freedom is a form of spiritual consumption. The person who is, for a time, successful in his quest for financial freedom is just an unwitting victim of the deceit that more money provides more substance to life. As his spirit identifies with his possessions, his life has less substance; it is wasting away.
OUR LOVE OF MONEY
We all have money, but the question is does money have us? Almost everybody loves money to some degree. Few of us can live with the material detachment of a Saint Francis or Mother Teresa. We must take care not to be consumed with financial freedom as a way to security. Spiritual freedom is more enduring than financial freedom.
The extent to which we love money will determine how easily we can be deceived by all of its false claims and promises. Do you think you have under control that common desire to love money?
Remember the words of Hebrews 13:5: "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'"
While we never really possess our possessions, the blessings of God's love never leave us. Pray that God will show you ways in which you have exchanged the truth of His promises for the lie of financial freedom. Remember, financial freedom is an attitude, not an amount.
HOW, NOT HOW MUCH
F. W. Woolworth, the founder of Woolworth's five- and ten-cent stores, and Milton S. Hershey, the maker of chocolate candy, were among the wealthiest men of their day. The way they used their wealth, however, could not have been more different.
Woolworth devoted his life to building stores and amassing wealth and status. His self-worth was tied to his net worth. Even with a wife and children, he had no family life to speak of as he relentlessly worked to expand his retail empire nationwide. His last goal, which he achieved, was to construct the Woolworth Building in New York City, a fabulous skyscraper that was to be a monument to his success. From 1913 to 1930, it was the world's tallest building.
And what did Woolworth do with his wealth? He left no money to charity. The large sums he left to his family led to lives of tragedy and turmoil for several of his heirs. Over the years Woolworth lost its dominance in retail, and in 1997, the company closed its 400 five-and-dime stores with the intention of renaming itself Venator Group, specializing in athletic footwear and apparel. The dismantling of F. W. Woolworth's empire reached its culmination in 1998, when Venator announced the sale of the historic Woolworth skyscraper in downtown New York. The F. W. Woolworth corporate name, and much of his legacy, had vanished.
Milton S. Hershey became successful selling chocolate candy at about the same time as Woolworth was growing his retail chain. In contrast to Woolworth, Hershey measured financial success in terms of what his wealth could accomplish for others. Because he and his wife could not have children, he left the entire fortune he amassed from the Hershey Chocolate Company to a foundation that created a school for underprivileged children, including orphans. He also built a medical center and Hershey Park, a family amusement park. Milton Hershey committed his life to others. The foundation he created remains the largest shareholder of what is today the Hershey Foods Corporation.
Unlike Woolworth's, Hershey Foods has thrived. In 1996 it ranked 344th in sales among U.S. corporations, with $4 billion in revenues. More importantly, Milton Hershey's legacy is the millions of dollars earned by the corporation that are being distributed by the foundation to benefit others.
Woolworth's focus was on how much money he could get. Hershey's focus was on how to use his money for others. Over time, Hershey's focus ended up to be the most profitable.
Western culture teaches that those with the most money are the winners in life. And society gives us plenty of help tracking who our winners are. Each year we can read the latest lists of the wealthiest people and the largest corporations. Magazine and newspaper writers and TV hosts admire the highest paid athletes and entertainers, the best-selling books and records, and so on. Names like Rockefeller, Getty, Hughes, Gates, and Trump are instantly recognizable because of how much they have accumulated, though most of us know little about these people except for their vast wealth.
As we saw in chapter 1, God's purposes for money are quite different from modern society's. Quantity of money is not important to God. But rather than evaluate us as owners using our money. God evaluates us as servants using His money. Since all that we do must reflect the glory of God, how we go about using His money is crucial.
Therefore, in determining winners and losers in God's economic system, it is the quality of financial management, not the quantity of finances managed, that matters most. Godly financial stewardship is a matter of how, not how much.
The second secret to reducing financial worry is: Give God your heart, not your money. God desires far more that our motive be to honor Him with our spending and giving than that we give mounds of money. Money does not matter much to God; motive does.
WHAT IS FINANCIAL STEWARDSHIP?
The word stewardship is often used as a way of characterizing the qualities of godly financial management. Typically stewardship is used to refer to the practice of managing one's finances in such a way that one can give generously to "God's work." When used this way, the term becomes one of the most misused words in Christianity, because that is only part of stewardship. Because money affects almost every aspect of our lives, financial stewardship should involve more than helping churches and other Christian ministries. Stewardship should be a daily expression of how we put Christ at the center of our lives.
Consider the word steward, meaning the person who displays stewardship. Steward is actually an English word that comes from two medieval words: sty, as in pigsty, and ward. In Anglo-Saxon times a steward was one who took care of someone's pigs in an enclosure for livestock. Later the word came to apply to anyone who took care of property for another. It is this later, expanded definition that comes close to the biblical definition of a steward. While there was no exact equivalent to the word steward in the Old Testament, the idea of stewardship was seen with Joseph when he was designated as responsible for the management, affairs, and leadership of Pharaoh's house. The New Testament frequently used the Greek word oikonomos to denote one in charge of the affairs of a house.
In general, the words that translate into steward in the Bible have to do with a servant who has been appointed by a ruler to be responsible for the proper direction of the ruler's affairs, for the efficient use of the ruler's resources, and the authority of the ruler's kingdom in the ruler's absence.
FOUR HABITS FOR SOUND FINANCIAL STEWARDSHIP
A habit is a routine behavior that is done unconsciously. Habits are learned and refined through frequent repetition. There is nothing intrinsically good or bad about habits. Only the value of the actual behavior may bestow goodness. Thus physical exercise is a good habit; while cigarette smoking is not (though it was considered benign and acceptable during the first seventy years of the twentieth century).
How good a servant is at financial stewardship depends on his or her ability to master four basic habits. These habits are the four ways money can be used, and they can be divided into two pairs of opposite uses. The first two habits (and opposites) are:
(1) giving—using money and receiving little or no personal value in return; and (2) spending—using money and receiving something of greater personal value than the money expended.
Giving and spending are ways of using money in the present.
The second pair of financial habits are: (3) borrowing—using someone else's money today with the intent to repay a greater amount in the future; and (4) investing—letting someone else use your money today with the intent that they will repay you a greater amount in the future.
Borrowing and investing involve the use of the money in the future.
These may not seem like typical habits, but consider that trillions of dollars change hands every day through a myriad of financial instruments: cash, checks, money orders, travelers checks, credit cards, wire transfers, purchases of stocks and bonds, and so on. As complex as money seems to be at times, managing money still comes down to these four basic transactions of giving, spending, borrowing, and investing. Each day your money will be subjected to at least one of these transactions, usually with no thought on your part. But the Bible gives us plenty of reasons to think very hard about our financial stewardship habits. In Matthew 25:14-30, often referred to as the parable of the talents, Jesus gave us a broad set of guidelines for this important task we have all been called to.
THE PARABLE OF THE TALENTS (MATTHEW 25:14-50)
Jesus told this parable to His disciples as part of His response to a question about the "sign of [His] coming and of the end of the age" (Matthew 24:3). Part of this discourse were commands to be ready for His return, specifically, what the "owner of the house "(Matthew 24:43) tells "the faithful and wise servant, whom the master has put in charge" (verse 45) should be doing when the master returns (verse 46). The "servant" is actually oikonomos in the Greek, meaning "steward." It is near the end of His comments that Jesus tells the parable of the talents (in 25:14-30).
In this story, the master goes away on a long journey and entrusts the management of his large estate to three servants. Each servant is assigned a portion of the estate to manage in accordance with his ability. One servant is assigned five talents, the equivalent of seventy-five years' wages for the average laborer at that time; a second was assigned two talents, or thirty years' wages; the third, one talent, or fifteen years' wages.
When the master returned, he evaluated the servants' work. Two of the servants had doubled the wealth entrusted to their management. For this, the master commended each by saying, "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!" (Matthew 25:21, 23).
On the other hand, the third servant merely returned to the master exactly what was left for him to manage. For this the master said, "You wicked, lazy servant! . . . Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. . . . And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth" (Matthew 25:26, 28, 30).
In this parable the master represents Jesus, and the servants represent us. Jesus' journey represents the time between His return to heaven and second coming to earth. He has left His substantial estate behind for us, His servants, to manage until He returns. The fact that some of His servants will be rewarded and some will be punished indicates that we will be held accountable for our management. Stewardship of God's possessions is a serious responsibility.
FIVE PRINCIPLES OF STEWARDSHIP
What is the master's will for his servants? More specifically, what does Jesus expect of His financial stewards? How are we, as Christians, to manage the goods He has entrusted to us? In the area of our finances, a good steward would manage based upon five principles:
1. God owns everything.
2. The people of God are God's management company.
3. Stewardship is responsibility with accountability.
4. Good stewardship demands a commitment to others.
5. Stewardship has eternal consequences.
Principle #1: God owns everything.
The Genesis Creation record makes it clear that God is the sovereign Creator who owns and reigns over the earth. It is also clear in the account that God appointed man to manage this creation; God "put [man] in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it" (Genesis 2:15). Yet, in spite of this divine appointment, God made it quite apparent in the very next verse who's really in charge. "And the Lord God commanded the man, 'You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die'" (verses 16-17). God put limits on man's freedom to act and warned that He would respond strongly to transgressions.
Therefore, God is the sovereign Creator. As such. He owns everything. And everything means everything. "The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world and all who live in it" (Psalm 24:1).
Even those things "created" under man's management are, in fact, God's. Thus Moses reminded the people of Israel, "You may say to yourself, 'My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.' But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth" (Deuteronomy 8:17-18).
This also means our authority as God's stewards is subject to the authority of God. The Creation account tells us that man and woman were free to "be fruitful and . . . subdue [the earth]" (Genesis 1:28) but only within clear limits placed upon them by their Creator.
Principle #2: The people of God are God's management company.
When he was created, Adam was God's possession. Unfortunately, when Adam willfully chose to disobey God, he and all mankind thereafter came under the dominion of Satan. However, God established a unique relationship with the nation of Israel, making the people His honored possession. As God declared in Exodus, "Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession. Although the whole earth is mine, you will be for me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation" (19:5-6). But the people of Israel did not keep the covenant, and pagan nations and their own sins led them astray. Eventually, a gracious God sent them a Savior. Through Jesus Christ's death and resurrection, Satan's influence in the world was broken, thereby allowing all who call on Jesus' name to become part of God's household.
If you are a Christian, remember that being part of God's household gives you and me responsibilities. Just like in the Garden of Eden, where Adam had personal fellowship with God, our fellowship in the house of God requires us to work for the house of God. As with Adam, we are required to be fruitful and subdue creation. To be called one of God's treasured possessions—as God referred to the children of Israel and now refers to all believers—is to enter into a contract with God. That contract requires each of us to be stewards of a part of His creation. It is a further obligation that though we are free to make our own choices within limits, the choices we make must give God glory.
We know this to be true because God always acts for one reason alone: to glorify Himself. Through the prophet Isaiah, God said, "Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth—everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made" (43:6-7, italics added). Because God created us for His glory, the apostle Paul tells us, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31).
God refuses to share His glory with another: "I am the Lord; that is my name! I will not give my glory to another or my praise to idols" (Isaiah 42:8). To the extent that we make decisions that glorify someone or something other than God, we have failed to be good stewards. Conversely, we are good and faithful stewards when our actions honor God.
Principle #3: Stewardship is responsibility with accountability.
In the parable of the shrewd master, we can see that the master has the right to hold the servant accountable for his actions.
Jesus told his disciples: "There was a rich man whose manager was accused of wasting his possessions. So he called him in and asked him, 'What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management [stewardship in King James Version], because you cannot be manager any longer.'
"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own?" (Luke 16:1-2,10-12)
Clearly, stewardship is a responsibility with accountability. Yet God did not create a people for Himself to be servants but to be relatives, "sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth" as Isaiah said (43:6). He receives little glory from having slaves; He receives tremendous glory from people who willingly serve Him as a manifestation of their relationship to Him.
The foundation of any quality relationship is trust. Without mutual trust a meaningful relationship is difficult to sustain. Jesus says that you can be devoted to only one master, either God or money (see Luke 16:13). God will test our trustworthiness by the way we use our money. God wants to know if we truly love Him, and He intends to test that love by seeing how we respond to the temptation of money. If my parents send me money to give to a Christian ministry and I use it for myself, they're not going to be able to trust me with any more money and probably not with much else. God demands that we use whatever wealth we have as an offering of the proof of our relationship to Him. If He can trust us with a small amount of property, then He will trust us with more.
Principle #4: Stewardship demands a commitment to others.
Stewardship is a response to God's goodness to us, a response manifested by reflecting God's character—His faithfulness, justice, righteousness, and compassion—in our financial management. Because these attributes only manifest themselves in relationships with others, financial stewardship includes a commitment to something outside ourselves.
Stewardship is not doing something for God with our money but doing something for others with His money. We act on God's behalf and in His name.
This commitment to others is seen throughout the New Testament. Jesus called us to be servants even as He was on earth (see Matthew 20:26, 28); the apostle Paul described himself as "a slave to everyone" (1 Corinthians 9:19) and always seeking the good of others (see 1 Corinthians 10:24, 33). And Paul told each of us to "look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Philippians 2:4). Our attitude, Paul wrote, "should be the same as that of Christ Jesus ... taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness" (Philippians 2:5, 7).
Ultimately this commitment to others is expressed in what Jesus called the two great commandments, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" and "Love your neighbor as yourself" (see Matthew 22:37-39). Our relationship to God is not separate from our relationships to others. Stewardship is both an expression of our love for God and the realization of that love in our relationships to others.
Principle #5: Stewardship has eternal consequences.
Underlying most of Jesus' instruction is the assumption that our life on earth will prepare us for our future in heaven. The gospels according to Matthew and Luke repeatedly refer to Jesus' use of the expression "treasures in heaven. "(For example, see Matthew 6:20; 19:21; Luke 12:33.) Moses also understood the relationship between the earthly life and the eternal one: "By faith . . . [Moses] regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward" (Hebrews 11:24, 26).
The apostle Paul explained to the Philippian believers, "I am [not] looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your [future, heavenly] account" (Philippians 4:17). Stewardship builds heavenly treasure by transferring wealth from your bank account to your heavenly account. Unlike an earthly will that transfers our wealth to our loved ones. God's will transfers God's wealth to you, His loved one. We die and get the inheritance, too!
However, this transfer of heavenly wealth will only occur based upon how well we handled our earthly treasure. Because God is eternal, He operates in an eternal time frame. Likewise, the actions of God's stewards will have eternal consequences.
WHAT IS GOOD AND FAITHFUL FINANCIAL STEWARDSHIP?
As servants, we have been given a job to do and will be held accountable for what we accomplish. Therefore we must understand the criteria upon which we will be evaluated. In Matthew 24 and 25, Jesus gives us the standards of excellence in financial management. Remember, God evaluates financial managers on being good and faithful, not on acquiring wealth. We must understand those two words to know our master's will for the stewardship of His money.
Being a Servant
The identity of a servant is central to who we are as Christians. There have been some noteworthy individuals in the Bible who have called themselves servants: Paul and Timothy (Philippians 1:1); James (James 1:1); Simon Peter (2 Peter 1:1); Jude (Jude 1); and John (Revelation 1:1).
In the parable of the talents the word servant is a translation of the Greek word doulous, which means slave. A slave is someone whose labor belongs to another. In our culture this term generally has a negative connotation, but when Jesus uses the word in Matthew 24 and 25 it is a positive affirmation. Jesus' servants are those who willfully give themselves up for another or those whose services will be used by Christ to advance His cause. Therefore, a financial steward is first and foremost a willful servant whose work is to use money in ways that further Christ's purposes.
Good
In Matthew 25:21 and 23 the master describes two of his servants as being "good." Usually when we think of good we think of something or someone as being pleasant in nature or excellent in character. In a larger sense good means useful and beneficial. When something is "good," its use provides benefits. In other words, it is "good" to be with a pleasant person or it is "good" to have an excellent meal.
From a biblical perspective a good steward has three attributes that make him or her useful and beneficial.1 First, a good steward demonstrates a true knowledge of God. In that sense, stewardship measures our "respond-ability," or our ability to respond to God's goodness to us. Jesus said, "Freely you have received, freely give" (Matthew 10:8). We can give ourselves to Christ's cause when we have confidence in Him that this will benefit us as well as others. The failed servant in the parable incorrectly viewed the master's holding him accountable as being harsh (Matthew 25:24). He did not have faith in the master's goodness. If he had true faith in his master, he would have felt the freedom to do more with the master's money.
Second, a good servant acts in accordance with God's Word, Robin Hood's giving to the poor may have been noble, but stealing from the rich is clearly contrary to God's commandments. Therefore, he could not be called a "good" servant. If a servant is going to work on behalf of Christ in expanding His kingdom, he must use methods that are consistent with God's commands. Otherwise his efforts will be undermined by hypocrisy. What is truly good is beneficial to both the giver and receiver.
Third, a good servant is not motivated to succeed for personal reasons. A good steward will feel free to act on his master's behalf since he is neither concerned with protecting himself from failure (like the failed servant in Matthew 25) or getting personal credit for success. He is motivated to see God glorified by his actions. This is a natural result of knowing God and doing things His way. The results will always turn out to be useful and beneficial and God's purposes will be achieved. This is what made the parable's two servants' achievements noteworthy.
Faithful
In Matthew 24:45 and 25:21, 23 we see that commendable servants are also faithful. That is, they are full of faith. In the New Testament, faithful is used to describe people who can be trusted in transacting business or completing assigned tasks. A good and "faithful" servant is one who can be relied upon to do what he has been commanded to do. Christ has entrusted the expanding of His kingdom to the church; its members extend His mission in the world.
Good stewards use resources in a way that shows our faith in Christ to non-Christians. That being the case, it is God's desire that servants grow in their ability to manage His property (Matthew 25:21, 23). He also desires that "getting a promotion" won't compromise their loyalty, as they face temptations to use greater resources for themselves. As we act as servants for the Master, let us remember Jesus' words of hope and warning, "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much.. .. You cannot serve both God and Money" (Luke 16:10, 13).
OUR HIGHEST FORM OF WORSHIP
My two daughters, Diandra and Cassandra, really admire their mother. I sometimes watch as they try to be just like her. They smile, giggle, and just plain talk as they play hospital (Mom's a nurse) or act out giving and receiving a Mary Kay facial. Sometimes they get their hands dirty gardening, just like Mom (though Mom wears gloves.) All their actions say much more than words the level of love they have for their mother.
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and actions speak louder than words, then our highest form of worship is when we imitate God by the act of sacrifice. God showed Himself to be the ultimate steward when He made a commitment to others through the sacrifice of His Son to bring Himself glory. The apostle John wrote that God "gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16).
Made in the image of God, servants most reflect that image when we make sacrifices—giving up some part of ourselves—for the sake of others. This is indeed our highest form of worship.
This is a key way you practice the second secret to reducing financial worry, a key way you give God your heart, not your money. We may not give up any great amount of money; but we will give up ourselves to honor God and serve others. We practice the second secret when we truly worship God and when we give our resources with heartfelt, sacrificial commitment.
It is not a coincidence that the first occurrence of worship in the Bible is a sacrifice:
Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. But Abel brought fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. (Genesis 4:3-5)
The Hebrew word for offering in these verses is minha, a gift given in tribute and homage to a superior person.
The second incidence of worship in the Bible is also a sacrifice: "Then Noah built an altar to the Lord and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it" (Genesis 8:20). The Hebrew word for "burnt offerings" is ola, a significant word as it appears more than 260 times in the Old Testament. An ola, too, is a gift of tribute or homage, but it is specifically a gift in homage to Yahweh, God's name for Himself.
This gift has several important qualities: (1) the worshiper identifies closely with the gift; (2) the close identification suggests that the worshiper is actually sacrificing himself to demonstrate submission and love of Yahweh; and (3) the worshiper offers the gift as an expression of the reverence and joy of his relationship with Yahweh.
The apostle Paul often referred to this expression of joy. Perhaps Paul best expressed this joy in 1 Corinthians 15:57-16:1. In the original text of Paul's letter, chapters 15 and 16 do not have the break that our modern translations have. They were intended to be read as one passage:
But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
Now about the collection for God's people ...
Our "thanks to God" should result in giving ourselves "fully to the work of the Lord," for example, "the collection for God's people." This certainly sounds like a servant's sacrifice. Paul later alluded to the concepts of minha and ola when he referred to this collection as "a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God" (Philippians 4:18).
Another Hebrew word for sacrifice or offering is qorban, which means to come near, or to enter into the intimate proximity. A qorban is a holy gift, offered in worship or devotion, usually at an altar. It appears as the word offering in Leviticus 1:2 (italics added): "Speak to the Israelites and say to them: 'When any of you brings an offering to the Lord, bring as your offering an animal from either the herd or the flock."
Like the ola, qorban has several interesting qualities: (1) It reflects self-sacrifice, as it is something that is regarded as life-sustaining (gifts of qorban were usually meat); (2) it is divinely appointed; God gave exact specifications for gifts of qorban; (3) it must meet God's standards to be acceptable (see, for example, Leviticus 1:3-4); these stipulations ensured that the gifts were thoughtful acts of worship that represented complete submission to God; and (4) it has no value to God but great value to us when presented in the proper spirit.
It should be obvious that "good" giving must represent the spirit of worship as reflected in the Hebrew words minha, ola, and qorban. The concept of sacrifice pervades the entire Bible. In the Old Testament, the offering of sacrifices was a divinely appointed ritual with very specific guidelines that defined not only how much but how sacrifices were to be offered.
GIVING: HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
"Should I tithe on my gross income or my net?" is a question that I am frequently asked. At the end of this chapter I will give my answer. (No looking ahead, please!) From the previous chapter, however, we should recall that God the Creator owns everything. Therefore, He doesn't need to be paid a set percentage for what He does. More importantly, the Bible promotes a consistent message of personal freedom in giving that emphasizes how a gift is made rather than how much of a gift is given. What makes giving acceptable or unacceptable is not the quantity but the quality of the offering. God's concern is always the degree of commitment that the gift represents. The Bible is replete with many instances of harsh words of rebuke against offerings meeting required quantitative standards. It is not how much but how that matters most.
Old Testament Sacrifices
Still, the commands on specific giving are informative, for they show us not only specific percentages but the attitude that should underlie each gift. The first direct commandments on giving appear in Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy. These three Old Testament books describe in great detail the religious rituals appointed by God for the nation of Israel. The ritual offering of tithes—a tenth part—was part of an entire system of required personal offerings.
"Tithing" took place in many ancient cultures. The Egyptians, Babylonians, and Mesopotamians paid tithes to gods, temples, or kings prior to the time of any biblical references to the practice. (Job's offering [Job 1:5] was an ola, not a tithe.) Within the Jewish ritual system of sacrifices, there were actually three tithes and six other types of personal offerings, for a total of nine different offerings.
These nine offerings were in addition to the ceremonial guilt, sin, and peace offerings, which were atoning sacrifices. Each of the nine offerings accomplished a specific purpose but the size varied, occasionally at the discretion of the worshiper.1
Two of the offerings, the firstfruit and freewill offerings, were intended to be liberal expressions of one's generosity and thanksgiving to God. Moses had to give orders to stop giving because the people's response was greater than the need (see Exodus 36:6-7). Likewise, David praised God for their generous, whole-hearted response (see 1 Chronicles 29:14).
New Testament Giving
Today the giving of 10 percent of one's income has become the assumed standard for good and faithful sacrifice. However, it should be easily apparent that the required Old Testament guidelines for giving greatly exceed 10 percent. A good and faithful servant would have made three tithes and six other mandatory offerings, including generous firstfruit and freewill offerings, and giving of 100 percent (!) in the Sabbath year when the land was not sown (and debts were canceled).
All of the Old Testament rituals were just foreshadows of what Christ would eventually do to restore the broken relationship between a holy God and sinful man. These rituals were only necessary as part of the old covenant and even then could be rendered ineffective if God's qualitative standards were not met. Thus Jesus rebuked the Pharisees when they faithfully tithed but "neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness "(Matthew 23:23).
Although Jesus did insist that the Pharisees practice tithing, it was because the law was still in effect, as He had not yet died and been resurrected to establish the New Covenant.
It is important to note that the Pharisees' practice of tithing would have been that of the Talmud, the Hebrew commentary and an authoritative source of orthodox Jewish law even to this day. According to the Jewish laws, three tithes were required:
ma'aser (the Hebrew word for tithe}-, rishon, or the tithe for the Levites; ma'aser sheni, the festival tithe; and ma'aser ani, the tithe for the poor. Of course, firstfruits and freewill offerings were in addition to these three tithes. Therefore, if Matthew 23:23 is to be used as Jesus' support of any minimum standard of giving, that standard in some years2 would have been above 30 percent of one's income!
Quality, Not Quantity
But the real point that Jesus made in Matthew 23:23 is that the letter of the Law—giving a particular amount—without regard for the spirit of the Law—justice, mercy, and faithfulness—is actually breaking the Law! There is a demand for righteousness apart from the Law that cannot be measured monetarily. In fact, the requirement is such that giving 100 percent of your income might not satisfy it because how much you give is an inadequate measure of obedience.
This is consistent with the many rebukes found throughout the Old Testament, including:
• Isaiah 1:13, 17: "Stop bringing meaningless offerings . . .learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow."
• Hosea 6:6: "For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings."
• Micah 6:6-8: "With what shall I come before the Lord and bow down before the exalted God? Shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old? Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
• Malachi 1:10: "'Oh, that one of you would shut the temple doors, so that you would not light useless fires on my altar! I am not pleased with you,' says the Lord Almighty, 'and I will accept no offering from your hands.'"
Jesus confirmed these rebukes in Matthew 12:7 and Mark 12:33-34, as did the writer of Hebrews 10:8: "First he said [in Psalm 40:6-8], 'Sacrifices and offerings, burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not desire, nor were you pleased with them'" (even though the Law required them to be made). The Pharisees were so wrapped up in being correct that they lost sight of what was truly important. They tithed to the point of being ridiculous by counting out tenth portions of spice leaves. Today, Christians debate whether they should give 10 percent of their gross income or net.3 However, Jesus' words in Matthew 23:23 make this debate irrelevant because it misses the same point as the Pharisees missed.
The standards of God's laws were always qualitative issues such as mercy, righteousness, faithfulness, and so on. They encompassed not just bodily strength (Colossians 2:23) but the heart, soul, and mind as well (see Deuteronomy 6:5; Mark 12:30-33).
ACCEPTABLE VERSUS UNACCEPTABLE OFFERINGS
Therefore, in the case of giving, the issue of "how much" is irrelevant. The relevant issue was and is "how" we give, with what motivation. An acceptable offering based upon God's true qualitative standards is whatever size offering you can make that exhibits His character.
Acceptable Offerings
According to this standard, the following are examples of acceptable offerings:
1. Those who give large amounts. "But Abel brought fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering" (Genesis 4:4, italics added). The apostle Paul called all believers to give their whole selves, presenting their "bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God" (Romans 12:1).
2. Those who give small amounts. Consider the poor widow of Mark 12:41-44:
Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on." (italics added)
3. Those who give beyond their ability. As Paul wrote, "For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability. Entirely on their own, they urgently pleaded with us for the privilege of sharing in this service to the saints" (2 Corinthians 8:3-4).
4. Those who do what is right and just. "To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice" (Proverbs 21:3; see also Malachi 3:3-4).
5. Those who share everything. "All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had" (Acts 4:32; see also Hebrews 13:16).
What these and many similar Scriptures4 have in common is their upholding of qualitative rather than quantitative standards of "good" giving.
Unacceptable Offerings
Remember that tithes and offerings with the wrong motive are unacceptable to God no matter their amount. Thus Cain's offering of some fruits displeased God: "In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord ...but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor" (Genesis 4:3, 5; italics added).
Similarly Ananias and Sapphira's gift of property was rejected by God. He detested the partial offering and deceit of Ananias and his wife (see Acts 5:1-4).
And sacrifices presented by those with wickedness in their hearts are likewise despised: "The sacrifice of the wicked is detestable - how much more so when brought with evil intent!" (Proverbs 21:27).
King David wrote, "You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise" (Psalm 51:16-17). In other words, what makes giving good is how, not how much!
GIVING IN AMERICA
Although how we give is more important than how much, the amount we give will have an impact. If giving is worship and that worship involves being in the presence of God, then stinginess in giving must mean we do not value nearness to God as much as nearness to money!
In 2 Corinthians 8 Paul writes about the grace of the Macedonian church. Despite their own trials and extreme poverty, these people gave "beyond their ability" (verse 3) to their brothers in Jerusalem during the time of the famine. In fact, they urgently pleaded for the privilege of sharing!
This privilege of sharing should be natural to those who have much to share. "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked" (Luke 12:48; see also Luke 16:10). The rich obviously have been given much to share, but the question is, who exactly are the rich? The answer? It is Americans who are the rich!
Because of our high standard of living, we have a warped perspective of what rich is. The average American has an income ten times greater than the global average. A car, which is so basic in this country that most Americans own two, is a luxury that 92 percent of people in the world don't have.5 A half-billion people don't even earn the $230 per year that the average American child earns.6
We in America are the rich to whom the Bible constantly refers! With so much given to us, how have we responded to the Lord's expectation to give back? Are we "overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God" (2 Corinthians 9:12) for the blessings that have accrued to us as a nation? According to the Internal Revenue Service, the average contribution to religious institutions (made by less than half of all Americans) was $817, or 2.55 percent of gross income. This compares to our personal savings , rate of 4.5 percent. This despite a Princeton Religion Center report that 96 percent of Americans claim to believe in God.7
Christian leaders have cited various reasons for our country's fall from grace, including the national debt, abortion, banning prayer in schools, declining morality, feminism, and racism. However, the Bible gives clear warnings as to what happens when a nation fails to honor God with its giving, including: "curses, confusion and rebuke in everything you put your hand to" (Deuteronomy 28:20), and God "blowing away" those who ignore His house: "'What you brought home, I blew away. Why?' declares the Lord Almighty. 'Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house'" (Haggai 1:9).
As Christians decry the forces that seem to be bringing down America, let us take stock of ourselves; let's remember our own accountability. We bear much of the responsibility. The apostle Paul warned us, "Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly" (2 Corinthians 9:6), and we have done that. We have abused our privilege to freely worship God with our paltry giving that belies our nation's wealth. If less than 3 percent of individual income is what we have decided in our hearts to give, then we cannot be loving God with all our hearts. It makes sense, then, that even though 96 percent of Americans supposedly believe in God, only 57 percent view religion as important in their lives.8
Our lack of trustworthiness in handling worldly wealth robs God and robs ourselves of His promised blessings (for example, note Deuteronomy 28: 1, 12).
GIVING TO CHRISTIAN MINISTRIES
Some may say, "Yes, but poor giving can be expected in America, where much of the population is Christian in name only. The American people are really part of a post-Christian culture." Yet this lack of financial giving to honor God pervades our churches too, where most Christians worship. Christians have grown accustomed to paying less to pastors, missionaries, Christian school and parachurch staff, musicians, and others in Christian ministry than to those in similar secular vocations.
Many Christians believe that the people serving in ministry expect to—and should—receive low compensation. But simply because a situation of low pay has existed for a long time does not make it right.
People accept these vocations because they are obedient to God's calling on their lives. They are being responsible with the gifts and talents given them by God just as the Bible commands. But nowhere does the Bible dictate or condone low compensation for these callings. In fact, the Bible calls for equal if not greater salaries for Christian ministers (used in a broad sense of the word) than for similar secular occupations. And the Bible indicates that those receiving that ministry ought to pay for it. While lower than normal wages are not seen anywhere in the Bible, an indisputable standard of equal or greater compensation has great support throughout Scripture.
About "Miracle Giving" and Large Donations
Clearly those who receive from spiritual laborers ought to pay appropriately for that labor, according to their income (1 Corinthians 16:2) or ability (2 Corinthians 8:3). The biblical principle is that those of substantial resources can assist those of lesser
capability (2 Corinthians 8:14).
Unfortunately, the common pattern in churches, ministries, and Christian schools today is that we expect God to miraculously bring large donors to us. We do see various examples of this throughout Scripture, most notably Barnabas, who sold a field and gave the proceeds to the apostles (Acts 4:36-37). A modern day example of such a financial miracle appeared in the best-selling book Experiencing God, where the authors recount a story of God providing more than $100,000 above what they had ever received before. The focus of this story is whether we believe God by faith to do such miracles.
However, what is overlooked in the Experiencing God story is that the anticipated miracle was third in a series of three steps. First, the people gave their tithes; in other words, what they were supposed to give. Second, others gave what they promised; in other words, they fulfilled their vows. Both of these are scriptural actions that God both expects and blesses. Then, after the people did what was expected of them. God provided their miracle. Recall that prior to Barnabas' gift, the people shared much of their resources.
The authors go on to say that what we do in response to God's revelation reveals what we believe about God. What we should believe about God is that He will do what we can't do. We should be bold in expecting God to do what we can't do but apprehensive about asking for financial miracles when He has already given the necessary resources to us. We should not expect God to miraculously send unknown donors our way when the financial support available in our own midst is not forthcoming.
SHOULD YOU GIVE FROM YOUR GROSS OR NET INCOME?
To return to the question posed earlier in this chapter: should you give a percentage of your gross or your net income? I like the answer given by the chief financial officer of a major international Christian ministry, who is also a board member of the Evangelical Council for Financial Accountability.
A good friend of mine, this CFO had pondered this question for years. Finally he realized that he was, in his own words, "hung up" in trying to find the "right" answer. The reason, he concluded, was because he was trying to figure out what was the least acceptable amount he could give. This revelation made him realize, "I was responding to a formula rather than out of a love relationship with the one who gave His all to be in this love relationship. I decided that my focus should be on giving back what the relationship was worth to me. I would not try to justify my giving according to some formula."
I love my friend's response! That's why, when I am called upon to give my answer, I say that the question is irrelevant! God is concerned more with matters of the heart than matters of your bank account; thus He cares not about specifics of giving from your gross or net income.
So what is the right level of giving? The answer can be found in the following two tests:
1. The test for unacceptable giving. "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver" (2 Corinthians 9:7). Ask yourself what you would feel if you did not give. If you would feel relief, then your giving is reluctant and is not acceptable. If you feel guilt, then your giving is under compulsion and it is also not acceptable.
2. The test for acceptable giving. "They urgently pleaded with us for the privilege of sharing in this service to the saints" (2 Corinthians 8:4). If you would feel a loss of joy from not giving such that you would plead for your right to give, then your giving is acceptable and has passed the test of good and faithful stewardship.
I am convinced that the answers to these two tests would result in a greater and not a lesser amount of sacrifice. In such sacrifice, we would demonstrate the highest form of worship. And the praise of "Well done, good and faithful servant!" would go to those who understand that what matters to God is how and not how much.
SPENDING MONEY WISELY
Imagine having everything your eyes desired. Everything! Don't leave anything out; include the wildest dreams you have ever had. Now, try to imagine the despair that would come in realizing that, in spite of having everything you wanted, you were completely and utterly unhappy.
That was Solomon's conclusion. The richest, wisest king of his time—of any time (2 Chronicles 1:12)—he gained everything his eyes desired.1 He devoted his life to the accumulation of people, power, and things and got everything he wanted. His conclusion? "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless" (Ecclesiastes 1:2).
The greatest human desire is for significance. Because of this there is probably nothing in life worse than futility. Thus many employees work eight- to twelve-hour days, sometimes six or even seven days a week, in an effort to receive some lasting reward. We earn all we can so that we can spend all we can in order to create meaning for "toil under the sun" (see Ecclesiastes 1:3).
FINDING SIGNIFICANCE
Solomon's quest for significance probably resulted in the greatest level of human achievement ever. But even with his abundant wisdom, the question that Solomon failed to answer in his pursuit for significance was, "How do you spend the rewards for your labor in ways that have meaning?"
Since 1957 the average American's disposable income (adjusted for inflation and taxes) has doubled. Yet, during that time, the percentage of people who report being "very happy" has declined from 35 percent to 29 percent, according to one survey. Even with the major income gains between 1956 and 1988, the percentage of Americans saying that they were "pretty well satisfied with [their] present financial situation" dropped from 42 to 30 percent.2 This lack of satisfaction and happiness reflects a lack of meaning in their work and play.
Significantly, forty years ago most Americans were happier with half their present incomes and living without things we take for granted today. In the late 1950s, homeowners lacked dishwashers, clothes dryers, and air conditioning—not to mention the seeming convenience of microwave ovens, large-screen color TV sets, and personal computers. Now, as the twenty-first century dawns, the rising affluence among Americans has yielded an even greater rise in depression, suicide, and most other social pathologies. Our human condition has not been improved by earning and spending more money. Our purpose and meaning in life seems obscure.
Until age sixty-five (or even seventy), we devote almost one-third of each day to our jobs. Except for sleeping, we will spend more of our lives working than in any other activity. Solomon asked, "What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?" We earn money in exchange for our labor, yet we are finding money to be no gain at all. Money doesn't buy happiness, and, paradoxically, it doesn't even make us feel good about our finances! We certainly can't live without it but we can't live with it either. Is there any point to earning money, or is this life's ultimate frustration?
FINDING CONTENTMENT
The answer to this great question is simple. What works is the lifestyle recommended by the apostle Paul: "Godliness with contentment is great gain" (1 Timothy 6:6). To find meaning from our money we must learn what it means to be contented. Contentment results in great gain, Paul revealed. But what exactly does it mean to be "contented" or "content"? According to Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary, the adjective contented describes a person who is "manifesting (making evident to the senses, especially the eye) satisfaction with one's possessions, status or situation." The verb content means "to limit (oneself) in requirements, desires or actions."
Consider these words in light of Solomon's—and most Americans'—situation. Solomon did not limit himself in terms of his desires or actions or in terms of his requirements for a meaningful life. Unfortunately, neither did he find satisfaction with his substantial possessions, status, or situation. This, too, sounds like what many Americans—perhaps even you—have found true of their own lives.
On the other hand, the apostle Paul was able to experience the great gain that comes from contentment, learning "to be content whatever the circumstances" (Philippians 4:11). This contented state must have been evident to all, or else the apostle's life would have lacked the integrity necessary to support his testimony of the life-changing power of a relationship with Christ.
Happiness is circumstantial and therefore inferior to contentment, which exists "whatever the circumstances." Meaning fro our labor comes from the pursuit of contentment, not the purchase of happiness. Meaning does not come from spending our money to accumulate more but by limiting our desires and being manifestly satisfied with less. Unlike the financial creed of Charles Farrar Brown, "Let us all be happy and live within our means even if we have to borrow the money to do it with," the single biggest step you can make to achieve financial contentment is to have a lifestyle below what your income will allow.
Contentment—limiting your requirements, desires, and actions—provides great gain, because it reduces financial worry. If rather than limiting these three areas we choose to live to the level of our incomes, we will end up with a large mortgage, probably a second mortgage, two car loans, and no savings to speak of. When an emergency comes along, we'll have to pull out the credit card—a credit card we cannot pay off because we have no extra money in the first place.
Consider the cycle: If you desire instant gratification from your labor, you probably have no resistance to impulse buying which means many credit cards, including those high-interest department store ones. The money you'll get from your next raise should go to paying off debt except you've been thinking about some new conquest that you couldn't afford before. By this time your new conquest is really expensive so you can't afford it even with the raise, but the additional income will expand your borrowing capacity which will mean more debt.
I am passionate about this because I've been there. I've pushed and pulled the paycheck, juggled the bills, creatively financed and refinanced. After about ten years of this, I came to Solomon's conclusion that "whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless" (Ecclesiastes 5:10). It seemed much better to follow the advice of Hebrews 13:5: "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have." But to do this, I had to learn how to spend money wisely.
THE THIRD SECRET
The U.S. unemployment rate averaged just under 5 percent in the late 1990s, suggesting ninety-five of every one hundred employable adults draw an income. But with so many people in financial difficulty and with so few happy with more money, it is possible that only five people in one hundred spend it wisely. If we can't live happily on what we earn, then we won't live happily on more! King Solomon rightly asked, "Of what use is money in the hand of a fool, since he has no desire to get wisdom?" (Proverbs 17:16). Only when we wisely spend our money can we buy contentment, and there are three steps to spending money wisely.
The third secret to reduce financial worry involves finding true contentment. That seems obvious. But this secret reveals itself only when we know where to find contentment, including in managing our finances. Here is secret number three: Spend wisely your money, whatever the amount. This will bring contentment to your life.
HOW TO SPEND MONEY WISELY
There are three steps to spending money wisely.
Step 1: Have the proper respect for money.
A dollar spent today can never be spent again. That makes every spending decision an eternal decision. (Think about that the next time you put some change in the soda machine!) Furthermore, since "your" money really belongs to God, each spending decision is a heavenly decision. If the fear of the Lord has any meaning to us, then spending money is not a casual matter. Spending money is both an eternal and a heavenly matter!
In addition to knowing that a dollar spent today can never be spent again, remember that a dollar spent on one thing precludes that same dollar from being spent on something else. Since you can't spend money on two things at once, each time you say "yes" to a decision to spend money one way, you are saying "no" to spending it another way. Fifty dollars spent on food is fifty dollars that wasn't spent some other way, perhaps on clothing.
Because of the ability to buy on credit, one can easily lose sight of how important it is to think correctly about "yes" and "no" spending decisions. A new car may cost "only" $400 each month, but over six years you will have spent almost $29,000, including $7,000 in interest.
How many other purchases could be made with $29,000 during that time? The seduction of a low monthly payment can keep us from spending a significant amount of money (during the six years) on other things. Wisdom in spending considers what you might be saying "no" to when you say "yes" to a spending decision.
Making yes and no decisions means you are making choices, choices that are eternal and heavenly. If we are to have any chance of giving our money meaning, then it is necessary to make good decisions.
Step 2: Understand needs, wants, and desires.
Financial planners estimate that the average American spends about 30 percent of his money unnecessarily. One reason that we don't spend money well may be that we don't make distinctions among needs, wants, and desires.
• Needs are those things that are essential to living. There are three explicitly stated needs in Scripture: food, clothing, and shelter.3 In today's modern culture I would include two more: transportation and health care.
• Wants are choices about the quality of needs. Usually they are higher quality needs. For example, you need a car. The choice to buy a used car or a new car is a lifestyle decision. Similarly choosing between a large or a small house, or clothes made from silk and cotton instead of synthetic fabrics, represents a decision about our wants.
• Desires are everything else. Some desires are God-given interests, but many are the result of coveting things we don't have but feel are necessary to own. For instance, a father says, "We need a large screen TV"; or "We just have to go on vacation this summer." These represent spending traps (more on that in chapter 6). However, it is crucial to understand that while a particular desire may be from God as part of your uniquely created character, you have no right to fulfill that desire unless you can afford to do so. And under no circumstances is a desire ever a need.
While our true needs may be priorities, it is the satisfaction of our desires that gives us happiness. But if we decide that our wants are needs, we overspend on things that aren't truly important to us.
Almost every day we will be exposed to an opportunity to foolishly overspend money by not thinking correctly in terms of needs, wants, and desires. Our wants and desires are usually determined by society's norms, and the pressure to conform is tremendous. It requires patient discernment to make wise decisions. Good and faithful stewards understand the difference between them.
Step 3: Focus on fulfilling those things that matter the most.
Accumulating heavenly treasure by sacrificially giving to extend God's kingdom is one thing that matters. But earthly treasure has its place, too.
As part of extending God's glory throughout creation so that men will worship Him, God intended that we enjoy His creation:
"Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart" (Ecclesiastes 5:19-20).
Using money to achieve earthly fulfillment is a legitimate and heavenly use of money. As fearfully and wonderfully made creations of God, we each have a unique capacity to enjoy God's material world. We each have our own singular interests, passions, and goals, some of which can be fulfilled through the use of money. More specifically, I believe that everybody has one or two primary material interests that matter more than any other way we might choose to spend money.
At seminars I like to go around the room and ask people to name their favorite ways to spend money. Nearly everybody can answer this question immediately. "Computers," say some. "Travel," add others. Some answer "cars" or "motorcycles." Other common responses include home furnishings, clothes, sewing and gardening (my wife), and books and compact discs (myself). In one class a gentleman actually said "pork and beans." The point is that all of these uses of money are God-given ways that each of us can individually enjoy His material creation.
God wants us to have those things that will be the most fulfilling to us. In the realm of material possessions, probably only one to three things really matter to us. These are things that we'd say we wouldn't want to live without even if we had everything else. These are the few things that have meaning to us and are worth spending money on. They are the things that bring us happiness.
In reality, only a few material possessions are really meaningful to you. Orient your spending of money around the acquisition and enjoyment of those things. You will then feel the satisfaction that comes from limiting your desires to those things that are the most meaningful.
Of course, we should use our money to benefit others through our giving. And we are servants, called to wisely manage the Master's resources. But our Master is good and wants us to be truly blessed by our service to Him. And one of the major ways we are blessed is by our God-given freedom to enjoy ourselves through the purchase of material possessions.
It is poor stewardship not to order our lives in such a way as to joyfully receive this gift from God. Stewardship must result in both joyful giving and joyful spending if it is to be regarded as good and faithful, for this is God's intent. I find that there is far too much emphasis on not spending money so that one can give more to God's kingdom and thereby experience the blessings of being a generous giver. Yet I still find too many generous givers feeling constantly burdened by trying to be good stewards of their money. When I show them that God wants us to "give" some money to ourselves, too, it's as if they've been let out of jail.
Then after a while, an interesting thing happens. Once they apply biblical stewardship principles in managing their money to satisfy their God-given desires in addition to generous giving, they tend to increase their giving! The happiness that comes from spending money on things that matter creates a thankful heart that expresses itself in even more giving to God's kingdom.
FEELING GUILTY
You may wonder, "Isn't spending money on yourself being selfish?" That's the fear many Christians have. At one seminar, a man said, "Look, I feel guilty when I spend or even think about spending money to satisfy my own desires."
"Well," I answered, "spending money on our own desires is OK." Then I explained three reasons we sometimes feel guilty about our spending:
1. Some have been taught that spending money on one's own desires is wrong. It ;s OK to spend money on your own desires; the Bible justifies such spending, within limits. If you haven't been taught that truth, you may feel guilty.
2. Guilt is often a clever form of deceit to make us feel unworthy of feeling good about ourselves. As our accuser, Satan enjoys using our emotions to rob us of the joy we should experience when we act according to God's Word. Ecclesiastes 5:18-20 tells us that the enjoyment of wealth and possessions is a gift from God and that God Himself will keep us occupied with gladness of heart. By simply accepting God's Word at face value we can undermine the enemy's desire to steal our joy.
3. Guilt about spending can be legitimate at times. When the desires are inappropriate or unaffordable, feelings of guilt are the right response. Or we may feel guilty because we are unrepentant about poor uses of money in the past. Recognizing that, asking for forgiveness, and seeking God's guidance according to His principles should remove these feelings of guilt.
Orienting your life around the fulfillment of those material things that matter most is not selfish when those desires are appropriate, affordable, and do not adversely affect the welfare of others. When your unique desires are satisfied according to those criteria, you will experience the joy of God's blessing which He intended our labor to provide us.
HAVE A SPENDING PLAN (NOT A "BUDGET")
"If you don't plan where you're going, you'll get there." In other words, if you don't plan on going anywhere, you'll get nowhere. Perhaps the reason money doesn't buy happiness for so many is that they fail to plan to spend money in ways that make them happy. As a result, many people end up like Solomon, spending a lot of money in search of fulfillment and not being able to find any.
Millions of dollars will not be enough if they get spent on poor choices. Millions of dollars will never be enough without a plan for how to spend them. Poor choices will be made if there is no plan as to what makes a good choice and how to go about making one. It is imperative to have a plan to successfully fulfill your desire for the things that matter most.
Some people call these plans "budgets." Now before you say to yourself, "Uh-oh. Here comes the lecture about how I have to I put myself on a budget to be a good and faithful financial steward," let me explain that I, too, dislike the idea of a "budget." Nobody likes to put themselves under a firm plan. That sounds too much like either punishment or behavior modification! Budgets, like diets, get started with great enthusiasm but eventually fail because they tend to focus on what we can't do rather than what we can do. Just as diets say, "Don't eat," budgets say, "Don't spend." My experience is that the idea of a budget is so onerous that most people don't even try to live on one. Furthermore, the majority of those that try eventually give up.
Therefore, I prefer the term "spending plan." The idea behind a spending plan is that within the limits of your available funds you freely spend money on those few things that have the most meaning to you. A spending plan is active rather than reactive. A spending plan directs you to go buy something (an action) as opposed to seeing something and not buying it (a reaction). A spending plan is positive ("do spend") rather than negative ("don't spend").
A spending plan is simply a management tool that provides financial direction. It helps you make good spending choices ahead of time. The best choices are almost always made in advance. The way to succeed in school was to study for tests so that when the questions confronted you, you had a plan for how to handle them. Similarly, when it comes to spending money, preparation in the form of a spending plan pays off in successful and meaningful money management.
A good spending plan will have three parts: having an overall mission, or broad set of personal objectives that your spending is supposed to accomplish; setting priorities, or determining which yes/no choices are the most important to make and when to make them; and having a way to track progress. These plans can be as simple or as complex as you like.
Establishing a Mission Statement
A mission statement concerning money is a unique and personal written statement of how your spending will express who you are or what things you want to accomplish. Your mission is a broad statement of values that are important to you (and your spouse and your family).
Mission is central to meaning. If nothing is important to you, then having everything won't be meaningful. Each of us has passions that energize us and make us feel vital. These passions can be expressed materially through how we spend money.
Having a mission for your money begins the process of orienting your life around the fulfillment of those things that matter most. Mission puts you in charge of your money. A mission makes money into a tool, a means to achieving your desired, personal ends. What are the ends you are working toward? What do you want your money to do for you? What material things give you the most fulfillment?
Before you write a mission statement, reflect and evaluate. Spend time meditating about what you want materially out of life and how money can be a means to accomplishing your personal or family objectives. Pray that God will give you spiritual discernment as you seek insight into how you can enjoy His material creation in ways that are uniquely fulfilling and meaningful to you.
Your passions and interests are God-given ways for you to enjoy earthly treasure, but they must be consistent with His principles. That was Solomon's error. He had goals and a plan to achieve them, but they were not godly goals. When he achieved his goals he found they weren't fulfilling because they were not of the Lord. Great gain is made complete by contentment but it begins with godliness. As Jesus reminds us, "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" (Matthew 16:26).
Setting Priorities
Recall that spending money is a matter of making choices. Successful management of choices requires setting priorities (see Proverbs 24:27). Some priorities are determined by your mission. However, some priorities will be necessitated by your current financial circumstances which have been determined by choices you made in the past. So, understanding what your money has done for you in the past will help you make wise choices as to what you want it to do in the future.
Tracking Progress
Before you set priorities for the future, you must know where you are at the present. Where you are financially right now comes from all the financial choices you've ever made: giving, spending, borrowing, and saving/investing. While it is impractical to review and analyze each of these transactions, it is possible to see the effect of all of your past financial decisions by creating a statement of net worth.
In a sense, you are tracking progress—"past progress." Looking at your present financial situation reveals your progress in the past, and it suggests direction for the future. Then, once you know your present situation, you can understand how to best accomplish your plan.
A net worth statement is a report that summarizes every financial choice you've ever made. A simple definition of net worth is: "what you own minus what you owe." Net worth is a picture of your current financial condition. For most of us, creating this report will require more humility than skill. All it takes is some addition and subtraction and three easy steps.
1. Calculate your assets (what you own) by adding up the present value of your possessions: home, car, bank accounts, investments including retirement savings, cash value of life insurance, and resale value of personal property. The value of your assets is based upon what someone would pay you for them today, not what you paid for them originally. The current value of your assets usually differs from their original cost.
2. Next, calculate your liabilities (what you owe) by adding up the current balances on all loans: mortgage, credit card bills, personal loans, installment loans, and unpaid taxes.
3. Finally, subtract total liabilities from total assets. This is your net worth. It represents what you have to show for all the money you've earned and used up to this point in time.
There is no ideal net worth, but as the saying goes, "It's not what you make, it's what you keep!" How much of your income have you managed to keep during all the years you've been working? Your net worth statement may be humbling or cause for alarm (or both!), or it could be cause for a well-deserved pat on the back. In either case, use the report to determine how to set priorities that will lead to good financial choices. In particular, if you have low (or even negative!) net worth, you may want to make debt reduction a priority and/or direct more money to savings and investments.
What causes low net worth? Low net worth often is caused by spending money on worthless assets. Most people compound the problem by using debt to finance their spending. The result is assets that have essentially no value (clothing, household items) or are declining in value (computers and electronics, furniture, automobiles, and liabilities (loans and credit card debt) that, because of interest, have a greater total value than the original cost of the assets they financed.
THE IMPORTANCE OF YOUR NET WORTH
The parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30) indicates that we will be held accountable for the wise use of the resources at our disposal. It is clear from the teaching that an increase in these resources is one way the master determined wise use. We are to multiply our assets, not consume them or merely maintain them. That's why we should calculate our net worth. Our goal should be to increase our net worth each year. (To determine your own statement of net worth, see Appendix B.)
How can net worth be increased? There are three basic steps to adding to your net worth:
1. Minimize and/or eliminate "bad" debt (see chapter 6).
2. Decrease spending on worthless assets by focusing on mission-oriented spending.
3. Increase savings and investments that grow in value beyond their original cost.
Of course, the ultimate measure of wise use of the master's assets is the degree to which they are used to accomplish the master's objectives. Jesus told us that we should "use worldly wealth to gain friends" for ourselves (Luke 16:9). God will call on us to use our wealth when He's ready, but He wants to be able to call on us. It's not that He needs the money, but He wants us to experience the blessings that come from giving as a result of good financial management. When we increase our net worth we will be able to give in increasing measure and transfer assets from our earthly accounts to a heavenly account (Philippians 4:17).
TIME FOR AN EVALUATION
Once you have determined where you are, you should spend time looking at the types of financial choices that got you there.
Prepare a chart showing spending categories for your family. Then go through your checkbook for the last six months and, using those categories, place the amount of each check into its appropriate category. For items purchased with cash or credit card, keep receipts and itemize for the six months. Here is a likely category breakdown that will fit most spending histories:
Automobiles, including gas, insurance, and annual registration fees, if applicable
Charitable giving
Clothing
Debt repayment
Entertainment and recreation (hobbies)
Food/groceries
Hair care and personal toiletries
Housing, including principal, interest, taxes, and homeowner's insurance (and private mortgage insurance, if any); or rent and renter's insurance
Life insurance
Long-term savings (to use in more than five years; this would include retirement plan contributions)
Medical/dental insurance
Phone
Short-term savings (to use in less than five years)
Utilities
Be sure to add any other categories that reflect regular, recurring expenses, such as pet food and care, cable TV fees, and child-care or baby-sitting costs. This exercise will tell you how you've been using your money. Then verify the percentage of the total for each category. Although this will show only your recent financial choices, it does reveal how recent spending patterns have led you to your current financial condition. You may find out that you've been saying "yes" to the wrong things and decide to make changes in the ways you spend money. As a result, your spending priorities may change.
As the saying goes, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Another good exercise is to complete a Stewardship Self-Audit (Appendix C). It will help you understand the basic elements of financial planning and identify problem areas in your personal financial stewardship.
AND NOW, THE PLAN
Once you've established where you are now and what kind of spending choices have led you here, you can begin the process of setting priorities and creating a spending plan. If a lot of thought has gone into mission and work has been put into understanding your net worth and how to improve it, then even a simple spending plan will be effective. After defining your mission, setting priorities to achieve your mission, and tracking progress of the past, you will establish the plan.
Such a plan might be:
1. Pay God first by making a prayerful decision on how much you decide to give to extending His kingdom.
2. Pay your bills and financial obligations.
3. Save for the future.
4. Reduce debt.
5. Spend the rest on things that matter.
6. Periodically track your results.
A spending plan is personal to you and/or your family and is designed to express your values and achieve your goals. Ultimately, God should be glorified as you freely express your appreciation for His creation in ways that reflect the uniqueness put into
you by the Creator.
ASSIGNMENTS
Read the material provide from Ray Linder’s book Financial Freedom. Take notes of important concepts and principles to remember.
Formulate a mission statement as it pertains to your finances. Compare and discuss mission statements with your fiancée and formulate a family financial mission statement that you can refer to on a regular basis. Be sure to include in your mission statement such key areas as who is responsible for keeping the finances in line, how major purchase decisions will be handled, spending limits for individuals ( for items not requiring a joint decision), giving priorities, saving guidelines and crisis management procedures.
Listen to the tape, Biblical Principles of Contentment and discuss the priciples with your fiancée. Be sure to discuss related issues such as hoarding, overspending and resisting temptation. How does this relate to your long term goals?
Using the attached form, develop a spending plan as a couple. Be sure to include:
Goals both short term and long term
Regular expenses in keeping with your goals
Unexpected expense reserves
SPENDING PLAN
Our financial goals for this year include:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
In order to accomplish these goals we will enact the following spending plan:
Spendable Income per month ___________
Monthly
|Tithe | |
|Taxes | |
|Housing | |
|Food | |
|Transportation | |
|Insurance | |
| Life | |
| Health | |
| Auto | |
|Debt | |
|Entertainment | |
|Clothing | |
|Savings | |
|Medical | |
|Miscellaneous | |
Additional
|Vacation | |
|Birthdays | |
|Christmas Gifts | |
|Pampering | |
|Education | |
| | |
| | |
| | |
Our Pledge to
Faithful Stewardship
With God as our witness, we do hereby
pledge to live faithfully as stewards
in marriage, demonstrated in a
commitment to the following
principles of living.
1. We resolve to live within the means that God has provided for us.
2. We resolve to utilize our financial resources according to the principles outlined in the Bible.
3. We resolve to be honest in every financial transaction, particularly when unfavorable to us at the moment, in order to glorify our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
4. We hereby transfer the ownership of all of our material possessions to the Lord Jesus Christ, to be used for His purposes and His alone.
________________________ _______________________
Groom Bride
______________________
Date
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Love For A Lifetime
Session 7
Choosing A Church
Finding a Church Home
Biblical Principle: Church membership provides a supportive environment in which all aspects of stewardship can flourish.
Overview:
Without a doubt, the key to maximizing your joy and fulfillment in marriage rests in a relationship with Jesus Christ. After all, He not only created the two of you, He also created marriage!
To keep your relationship with Jesus Christ vital and growing, it is essential that you actively participate in a church family. In church you can worship God, be challenged in your faith, fellowship with other couples of similar age, exercise your spiritual gifts, and function as salt and light in your community (see Matthew 5:13-16). The church offers the best setting for you to serve as a faithful steward of Jesus Christ.
This material is designed to assist you in finding and getting involved in a church family. In the event you're already established in a church family, the assignments will help clarify and solidify your involvement in the church.
Reviewing Your Spiritual Heritage:
One of the goals of both your engagement period and marriage is becoming better acquainted with one another's spiritual heritage. Every Christian has a story to tell about how and why he or she came to trust Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Reviewing your spiritual heritage also will help you to clarify where the two of you will be church members and serve Christ in the years ahead.
This material will help you review and discuss your spiritual heritage with your fiancée, in addition to building spiritual intimacy with one another.
Use the chart on the following page to develop a timeline that reflects the following information. A chart is included for each of you.
• Specific dates and events surrounding your conversion to faith in Jesus Christ
• Specific times or events when you felt closest to God
• Specific people who have influenced you with their lifestyles or words
• Specific troubling events that challenged your faith in God
• Specific Scripture passages that were meaningful to you at each point
When finished, share the entries from your chart with your fiancée.
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Finding a Church Home:
This material will help you identify and discuss the factors that you believe are important to becoming established in a church family.
1. From the nine choices below, check the statement that applies best to you.
o We attend church in the denomination in which I was raised.
o We attend church in the denomination in which my spouse was raised.
o We attend church in a different denomination from our backgrounds.
o We haven't decided where to attend church.
o Attending church is important to me but not to my spouse.
o Attending church is important to my spouse but not to me.
o We do not attend church at all.
o We joined the church in which we got married.
o Other ____________________
3. Do you and your fiancée have church backgrounds that are similar? In what ways are they alike?
2. Rate the aspects of church life below according to how important they are to you in choosing a suitable church family.
Aspect of Church Life Degree of Importance
1 = very 5 = not important at all
|Worship style |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |
|Relevant sermons |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |
|Fellowship with similar-aged couples |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |
|Opportunities to serve |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |
|Specific doctrines 1 believe |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |
|Where friends attend |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |
|Location to my home |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |
|Commitment to world missions |1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |
4. If you come from different church backgrounds, what are some of the differences that you regard as significant? How do you plan to resolve these differences?
5. Do you have specific doctrines that you regard as "essential" that determine the church you attend? If so, which?
6. Paraphrase Hebrews 10:23-25..
7. What style of worship do you prefer and why? What style best ministers to your fiancée and why?
Giving to Your Church:
Active membership in your church provides you with a method of participating in a variety of ministries that you cannot accomplish on your own—ministries such as feeding the hungry, taking the Gospel to other nations, ministering to the homeless and orphans, teaching new Christians, and so on. If you can't perform the ministry personally, you can support those who carry on the work by sharing financially in the work of the church. Even more than supporting ministries, however, giving financially to your church is a responsible act of Christian worship!
1. A tithe represents a set percent of your income. According to Malachi 3:10-12, what did God challenge the people of Israel to do with their tithes?
What results would come from this obedience?
2. According to Leviticus 27:32, what portion of your total increase does your tithe represent?
3. Read Haggai 1:3-14. According to verses 6, 9-11 of this chapter, what were some of the negative financial symptoms that the people of Israel were facing?
a. In verses 4 and 9, what did God say was the root cause of these negative, symptoms?
b. According to verses 12 to 14, how did the people of Israel remedy the situation?
c. How does this passage apply to your life?
4. Study the Scripture passages below and summarize what important principle each passage teaches about giving to God's work.
a. Proverbs 3:9-10
b. 1 Corinthians 16:2
c. 2 Corinthians 8:1-5
d. 2 Corinthians 9:6-8
Making a Difference with Spiritual Gifts:
This material will focus on your calling not only to be a member of a church but also to serve effectively within that church. Study each passage below to discover God's desire to make a difference through your life and marriage.
1. God says we are part of the body of Christ.
a. Read 1 Corinthians 12:12-27. In light of this teaching, what consequences do you see when Christians do not participate in the life of the church?
b. Read Ephesians 4:11-16. What positive benefits will come from your participation in your church?
2. God has given us spiritual gifts to use in serving the church.
a. Read 1 Peter 4:10. According to this passage, what are you to do with the gift God has given you?
b. Do you know what your spiritual gift(s) is?
c. Do you know what your fiancées spiritual gift(s) is?
3. God will hold us accountable for the stewardship of the resources He has entrusted to us.
a. 2 Corinthians 5:10 does not teach that the judgment seat of Christ is to determine whether we are really saved (see John 5:24 and 1 John 5:11-13). However, what is the result of standing individually before Jesus Christ?
b. Read 1 Corinthians 4:1-2. What is the one key trait God looks for from His people?
Does that word describe you?
How will this trait be apparent in your marriage?
Reaching Out to Others:
This material will help you to look beyond your marriage relationship to the bigger picture of what God desires to accomplish by bringing the two of you together.
1. What did Jesus say to do in Matthew 28:18-20?
Do you believe you're included in the audience, or were His commands limited to only a particular group?
2. Read Acts 1:8. In this verse, what did Jesus say we would receive from Him and what would be the result?
3. To what did the apostle Paul compare Christians in 2 Corinthians 2:14-16?
4. In the space below, name friends, family members, and coworkers who will attended your wedding but who are not yet Christians. Then paraphrase Ephesians 1:16-19 to formulate a prayer for the people on your list.
a. Non-Christians at your wedding:
b. Your prayer based on Ephesians 1:16-19:
Dear God,
5. Will your wedding ceremony a Christian service?
Check the elements that will specifically honor God during your ceremony.
o Prayers offered to God
o Christian message in the music
o Vows made in God's presence
o Ceremony held in a church
o Gospel message presented by the pastor
o Unity candle explained
o Readings from God's Word
o Explanation of God's purposes for marriage
o Other _________________________________
6. Check the statements below that best apply to you.
o Few of my friends know that I am a Christian.
o I pray consistently for my unsaved friends and family to accept Christ.
o We want our marriage to be a testimony to God's goodness and faithfulness.
o I want to share my faith with others, but I've never been trained how to do it.
o My fiancée and I are considering serving God in another nation.
o Evangelism is a responsibility for older, more mature Christians—not me.
o I have helped at least one other person to accept Christ.
o I'm not sure what I believe about Jesus, so I wouldn't know how to help someone else believe in Him.
o I think our wedding ceremony is a strategic opportunity for friends and family to hear the message of Jesus Christ.
Think back over all the exercises and discussions you completed in this lesson. What new insights did you gain about yourself, your fiancée, and God? List the three most important insights below.
1.
2.
3.
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Love For A Lifetime
Session 5
Resolving Conflicts
Introduction
Sex is one of the great gifts God has given to men and women. Within the context of marriage, it is intended to be a full and beautiful expression of a couples unity and oneness. Unfortunately, the culture in which we live has developed a perverted perception of sex and all that God had intended it to be. Many couples express tremendous heartache in the area of their sexual relationship. The sexual relationship has been labeled by most marriage counselors as the second most common problem in marriages today, following closely behind the area of financial management. Complaints about sexual disagreements and disappointments seem to be a common factor with many couples whether they are Christians or not.
Some people see the sexual relationship as the pivotal base for their relationship. They view sex as the most important thing in life. These individuals believe that if in each and every sexual encounter the bells don’t ring and the fireworks light up the room that their marriage and their lives are in shambles. They believe that the intensity of the sexual relationship becomes the measuring rod by which everything in the marriage is measured.
On the other hand, there are individuals who consider sexual relationships unpleasant and distasteful. They view it as unimportant and unnecessary beyond the desire to have children. Occasionally, these individuals will dutifully be willing to pacify their partner who is exhibiting a much stronger desire. This passivity soon gives way to bitterness and the contradictory approaches lead to conflict.
Exploring the Biblical Principles of Sex is no small or insignificant matter. It is a vital aspect of developing a God honoring marriage. At times in this lesson, you may feel embarrassed, as you think on and discuss sexual matters. While this is common, please know that a person’s sexuality is also very much a spiritual matter. Sex within the confines of marriage is as spiritual a discipline as reading your Bible, praying or going to church. In His Word, God has given a tremendous amount of information concerning the sexual relationship. When He does, He does not stutter or blush. Reflect on the fact that God’s Word openly speaks about sex. It follows that it must also be right, even important for you to formulate a Biblical philosophy and approach to sex in your marriage.
ASSIGNMENTS
1. Listen to the tape, The Biblical Principles of Sex and fill out the study guide on the following page.
2. Take the True / False Inventory and discuss your answers with your fiancée. Be open and honest in your discussion as many points of disagreement or misunderstanding may be resolved before they become major issues in your marriage. If there are continuing disagreements, be sure to ask your counselor for clarification.
3. Complete the Questions for Discussion worksheets and again discuss your answers with your fiancée.
4. The Principles of Sex worksheet should be completed and discussed with your fiancée. The more open your communication in this area, the less likely it will become a major issue of contention.
5. Individually read Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gayle Wheat. This is a super book discussing all aspect of your marital sexual relationship. The Wheat’s discuss the unique way in which God has created each of you and helps us to understand how your future mate has been wired sexually. Discuss with your fiancée each chapter as you read it carefully recording and asking questions of each other as you progress through the book. There is also an extensive question and answers section in the back of the book.
6. Other Resources which may be helpful in this study would include:
The Book of Romance by Tommy Nelson
A Song for Lovers by Craig Glickman
Love Life for Every Married Couple by Ed Wheat
Sexual Happiness in Marriage by Herbert Miles
Tender Love by Bill Hybels
Biblical Principles of Sex – Tape notes
The six key Biblical Principles of Sex are
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
I Corinthians 7 speaks of render due benevolence. This means:
Render
Due
Benevolence
The primary goal of sex is:
The primary focus is:
Who is to be the primary initiator in the sexual relationship?
How do we increase our delight in each other?
1
2
3
4
5
6
What are the new principles you learned in this study?
Questions to ask my fiancée:
Questions for the Pastor:
True / False Inventory
|Married couples should freely tell each other what pleases them in their sexual relationship. |T |F |
|At times it is all right to make excuses to avoid having sex. |T |F |
|Using street or harsh language is a good practice in reference to a couple’s sexual relationship. |T |F |
|Men can enjoy sex more than women. |T |F |
|Strong sexual desire in marriage is a sign of spiritual immaturity. |T |F |
|Married couples should freely discuss their sexual relationship with each other. |T |F |
|Married couples should be free to tell each other that sex is occasionally not pleasing to them. |T |F |
|Since a couple’s sexual relationship is a private matter, if problems occur they should not seek help from someone |T |F |
|outside the marriage. | | |
|Women should not initiate sex relations. |T |F |
|In many cases the biggest hindrance to good sexual relations is a negative attitude. |T |F |
|Whatever is mutually enjoyable and fulfilling to the couple and does not hurt anyone or violate a Biblical principle is|T |F |
|proper in the confines of a couple’s bedroom. | | |
|God is pleased when a married couple has sex. |T |F |
|God intended sex to be fun, satisfying and desirable for a husband and wife. |T |F |
|Sexual bargaining is wrong. |T |F |
|Selfishness in sexual relations is forbidden by Scripture. |T |F |
|Selfishness may be manifested in withholding sex or in demanding sex. |T |F |
|Sex relations in marriage are to be regular and continuous. |T |F |
|Abstinence from sexual relations in marriage is a sign of deep spirituality. |T |F |
|In marriage, every sexual urge should be followed. |T |F |
|Frequency of sexual relations should be regulated by the satisfaction principle. |T |F |
|A person shouldn’t think about having sex with his spouse. |T |F |
|Intercourse is the same as sexual relations. |T |F |
|Sexual problems (hang-ups) are often symptoms of personal or relationship problems. |T |F |
Questions For Discussion:
1. How would you describe your parents’ attitudes toward sex?
2. Did your parents talk freely to you about sex?
What did they say?
What kind of instruction did they give you?
3. What did you learn from your parents about sex either directly or indirectly, verbally or nonverbally?
4. Do you recall any specific event or series of events that have influenced your attitude toward, feelings and thoughts about sex? Explain.
5. Did you talk to your parents about your sexual concerns?
Did you ask them questions?
If so, what type of questions?
Did they answer these questions with or without embarrassment?
Were you satisfied with the answers they gave?
6. Was physical affection shown freely by your parents to one another and to you and your siblings?
7. What stirs up sexual guilt or shame in you now? What embarrasses you about sex?
8. As you anticipate marriage, what are your thoughts about sexual intercourse?
What are your expectations?
What causes some concern or apprehension?
9. Are there any differences between men and women in the area of sex? If so, please describe them.
What role does the husband have in sex?
What role does the wife have in sex?
10. Have you and your fiancée talked about the type of contraceptives you will use?
Are the two of you in agreement?
Do you fully understand how the contraceptives you have chosen work?
Are you aware of any side affects?
11. Have you and your fiancée talked about having children?
Have you agreed on the number of children you would like to have?
When would the two of you like to start a family?
Biblical Principles Worksheet
Study the following passages and determine purposes for marriage highlighted in each:
I Corinthians 7:2-5 __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Proverbs 5:15-19 __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Ephesians 5:22-23 __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Genesis 1:27-28;2:18-25 _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Write your own paraphrase of Hebrews 13:4 ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
List a number of truths about sexual relations found in the following passages:
Proverbs 5:15-21 _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Song of Solomon 4:1- 5:1 _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Song of Solomon 5:10-16 _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Song of Solomon 7:1-10 _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I Corinthians 7:2-5 __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Study Acts 20:35 and Philippians 2:3-4 and determine how the principles of these verses can be applied to sexual relations. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What is your attitude as you anticipate sexual relations in marriage? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________
What place should sex have in a marriage relationship? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Notes From Intended For Pleasure:
Questions:
Fiancée:
Parents:
Pastor:
-----------------------
_________ from danger
_______ as weaker vessel
Leads wife ___________
Living in an ____________ way
_______ wife as Christ loves Christ
Communicate ___________
................
................
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