Relationship Advice from the Navigators Leaders



Relationship Advice from the Navigators Leaders

Joe and Renee’s Story

I noted:

When they were dating at the start, Renee did not consider them to be dating because she had been hurt in a previous relationship and so had decided she would not date anymore.

She initiated a talk with him about her commitment and her uncertainty about continuing the relationship, stating that she was committed to not kissing anyone until her husband, or even to say “I love you” to anyone. Joe responded that if she was having a good time with him then they should keep going out, so they did. Later on, after they had gotten to know each other they got married (lots of details left out)

Donnie and Valerie’s Story

I noted:

Donnie stated that he had been in 7 very serious, close-to-marriage relationships, had gone on over 300 blind dates before the Lord really brought him to his knees, surrendering that desire of his heart to God at the age of 33. Valerie had also been broken about this area of her life on the same night at age 28 and apparently Valerie’s brother in law had a dream about who Valerie was supposed to marry on that same night and so introduced them (he had a banking connection with Donnie). On their first, almost blind date, they had an interesting story about how in Valerie’s last relationship they guy had not opened the door for her, though Donnie, when she met him had immediately offered to open the door of the car for her to get out. They had known each other for less than 9 months before they were married, but went on many dates with mature believers, asking them each behind the other’s back to check each other out. They were engaged two and a half months after they met and 9 months after were married

Rob and Meredith’s Story

I noted:

Meredith and Rob had gotten on Navigators staff together, though they knew each other before then and Meredith had not wanted to be on staff. Meredith had just ended a fairly substantial relationship and so did not want a relationship at all, so her roommate made her make a list of 20 things that she expected in her future husband, and made her commit that she would not date again until she had examples of all 20 things in the guy. She had become attracted to Rob and so looked for those 20 things in him, even though at this stage he admitted he was somewhat leading her on and not guarding her heart, like going up to her and hanging out almost exclusively with her at some parties, though he did not really have any interest in a relationship with her. They then sought council from their friends and other older people who confirmed them, so they got married.

I found it interesting how each of the couples had at least one side of each couple they had surrendered relationships in general to God before he allowed them to proceed. Donnie had quoted Proverbs 3:5-6 on that issue as well as Psalm 84:11.

All of the women indicated that they had some sort of list for the guy they would marry. Renee’s list was apparently around 5 things long, Meredith’s was 20, and Valerie had 10 things, though she said Donnie did not necessarily meet all of it (9 of 10).

-What they wanted to stress about lists was though you may make them, you need to know what part of these lists are non-negotiable and what parts are not.

-They challenged everyone to imagine a list that your wife/husband would want, to know who you are and start working on developing those attributes in yourself(ex: cooking)-be careful though about how you go about it-see story about guy making dresses and below

-This seemed to be a good idea to me because it solidifies your ideas about where you want to go, and would help be something to guide you in making decisions, Before your mind gets caught up emotionally in a person, thus compromising your objectivity.

Some basic ways to guard hearts that they advised (more specifically oriented at guys):

1. Get in the Word

2. Think of handing him/her over to their next relationship, treating each other as if you are not going to marry each other, though exploring the possibility of that.

3. Remember that she is God’s daughter

4. 1 Thessalonians 4 - Do not say more than your heart feels-do not be a player!

5. Be a Christ-like example around all girls to exemplify who they should look for in the future-this is apparently a common complaint of Christian girls

Emotional Attachment (I think this part was aimed more towards women, though it is applicable to men as well)

1. Guard against talking about marriage until you are really ready, also future things

-Watch out about asking “Is he/she the one?” especially after the first date

-Be careful about gossiping behind the back of either side of the relationship, and if you are the close friend of someone dating be careful about sharing what they have told you so they are not “married” before their second date

2. Do not allow your mind to go past what the guy has communicated (women are givers)

-Example: Do not send a “book” to a guy who has only sent you a letter

3. Watch what you reveal of your heart

-I asked if there were any “warning sign” topics that might indicate if a girl was opening up her heart to the extent that an assessment needed to be made of both sides’ attachment levels leading to the response:

-Some topics include families or futures, and or anything having to do with kids

-Be especially careful around those abused or any who would have a reason to seek security in the man, not God

-Watch how exclusive the relationship is/what the majority of time is spent on

-Valerie: Do not “Defraud” the other person-taking from them what is not yours, physically or emotionally, remembering that this is someone’s future wife, asking whether the guy would want for his wife to have had that intimacy with another guy

-Overall, let the Holy Spirit give you wisdom as you prayerfully consider options

4. Watch the attention you reciprocate

-if you are consciously aware that marriage is not a possibility then you should be careful of what emotional bonds you form

How we should be careful from falling into temptation (especially by being aware of where you can fall, even in “spiritual” situations):

1. Do not be exclusive in your relationships (i.e. do not give a person too much attention)

2. Be very careful with “dating” which can give a false sense of intimacy as well as being a physical source of temptations because we may be pursing the relationship for selfish gain-be aware that even simple physical compromises such as “making out” are harmful

-Trust God to bring you together; do not force the issue!-the best age to get married at according the book “Finding the love of your life” was 28, based on the fact that by then you know your strengths and weaknesses and have some life experience guiding you

-Americans did not used to have this problem with identity and so were ready to be married earlier, because they defined themselves based on their father or grandfathers’ job and where they lived was fairly constant

-To guys especially, but girls also Donnie advised that if you are “flammable material” then you should not get near the “flame”-know your level of self-control

-From Rob and Meredith’s experience: Even if dating with the correct motives be careful, probably not staying out past 10 pm, Joe thought after 12 he was convinced we get too emotional to have any really productive conversations

3. Be wise regarding who, when, where, and how you pray with someone of the opposite sex-be careful about falling physically or even emotionally attached while in prayer, unconsciously manipulating the other person in that type of situation-know that spiritual connections (closeness) are inherently formed

Next addressed barriers of communication/bad communication building false expectations

1. Learn how to communicate with your brother/sisters in Christ of the same sex

2. Commit to listening to each other and bringing up problems as they occur

-Rob and Meredith expressed that their first year was great because they were able to do this, in a good marriage, you learn how to fight well

-Joe and Renee-did not go to sleep if they felt their was a cause of division unaddressed

-pay attention to “boyfriend/girlfriend’s” family and how they address problems between family members, with open anger, loving correction, or using suppressed anger as an excuse to be manipulative and complaining-this is likely how they also will address problems in your relationship

3. Talk about your convictions and how you are currently growing, not what you know only in your head. Once again, do not use the situation to manipulate the other person’s heart by trying to impress them with your spiritual maturity.

*4. BE REAL!-Try to be that great, even perfect guy for her to fulfill her “list” but both sides must be aware that each have weaknesses, so we should not approach a relationship by trying to “build a resume” to impress the other person

-Be very careful about “doing what you can to win the others heart” (ex: A guy who found a girl who would watch Monday Night Football With him, while he was willing to help her make dresses With her, though once they were married they would only do these things Separately)

-Do not expect someone to change once they get married; it may happen, it may not, but what is sure is that good and bad traits will be amplified in marriage, no matter how real you have been able to be with each other

5. Die to the issue of Control and always being right

-All of the couples agreed that you realize your incredible selfishness once you get married and once you have kids in ever increasing amounts

6. Do not try to go to fast, getting too “close” too soon

-Make sure you see enough of their real life, in college is a bad time to be able to try to do this-be careful if your dates are always too “polished”

7. Have a vision for where the relationship is going (also applicable as many of these things are to personal discipleship)

-to lead, you must know where you are going and be able to take people with you

5 “F” ‘s from Donnie-what characteristics to consider when looking for a potential mate

1. Faith: Where are they in the journey? What is their family history in this area?

2. Family: Remember that you are marrying them too; look at how they treat their parents and siblings as well as how their parents treat them.

3. Finances: If you have to work to keep her satisfied, watch out! Be careful with guys buying “big” stuff, see if they have been faithful to only spend what they have.

See if they are in debt (especially credit cards) and if so how much because “you are a prisoner to those you are in debt to!” Please Note: you will inherit their debt as well!

4. Fun: Do you have fun with each other? Do you share common interests?

-Donnie’s idea of a fun afternoon was watching sports on TV, but Valerie did not share the same idea-both sides when you get married will have things they could complain to the other person about. Share your feelings with one another, but realize you will not change a person by complaining

-Valerie discovered the power of prayer this way and has seen God change Donnie’s heart by eliminating Sportscenter out of his life

5. Flexibility: Do they have every second of the day planned out or are they willing to adjust? Can you deal with that? Are they generally clean or dirty? Etc.

Some comments on Engagement:

-Be Very, Very careful about falling physically

-Respect your mother-in-laws views on wedding plans

-Rob and Meredith said to use the time to work out issues with your in-laws, because you marry the family as well

-Continue to build a better foundation/background of things you might assume are known because of common sense, like using marriage counseling

-Donnie and Valerie feel that before engagement, certain past issues should be discussed to protect you from disillusionment and being boxed in with wedding plans and the accompanying financial commitment

-Remember that marriage is a “covenant” between a man, a woman, and God and should be taken very seriously and not be broken. As you enter into a marriage relationship, divorce should not even be considered as an option or an out.

-Look at results of good marriages as examples

-When Donnie was 26-27 he sought out a man who was respected in his home, successful in raising his kids, handles his family well, and has succeeded in business-they are busy so Serve them by cutting grass etc. to spend time together

-look for models and be a model by Seeking Christ first

Some comments on Submission:

Ephesians 5:21 Test any advice with Christ-from brothers in Christ

Be protective of each other and help each other grow into roles

God will judge the leader of the relationship so communicate a love for your family in your decisions-there is no room for arrogance-men are told to love your wives as Christ loved the church-make them feel protective, not under a weight when they submit

-Women-this is one reason why you must marry someone you respect

-Ask women what they see when making a decision

Robert’s Inexperienced Ideas on how Christian Women can relate to Christian Men

1. Find your SECURITY in God, the only one who can satisfy all your expectations and exceed them sometimes by changing them. SEEK Him FIRST!

-Guys are a lot worse than I think you think they are-Do not idealize them, help them develop a vision for their lives by helping them consolidate their thoughts to inspire them to develop their leadership skills-we cannot take anyone with us if we do not know where we are going, and guys can easily slip into just floating (probably true for women also, but you can really help a guy by encouraging him to search for a vision, especially seeking what plan God has for his life, which is a pattern that will be important for him to have later if he is leading a family) (going to God for advice)-look for other godly patterns that you can help build into our lives (this was my original question)

2. Realize it is very difficult for a guy to have a friendship relationship with a girl without becoming attached (but do make him commit if there is a real relationship developing)

-most guys find spending time together difficult if they do not see at least the possibility of a relationship

-a guy (at least like me) if am interested in a girl any amount of time spent can be seen as interest-maybe I am just immature and need to make a differentiation between real commitment and just “being brothers and sisters in Christ”

3. Continue to work on dressing modestly to make sure any guy is spending time getting to know your heart, not “checking out” your body (dressing neatly but not accentuating any specific parts of your body I guess might be a good guide)

-if you want the right type of guys around you this is one of the first things you can do to encourage us to keep our eyes pure and to start any relationship with you by finding out who you are, not what shape your body is

-be EXTREMELY careful you do not lead on a guy’s heart just like you expect to be treated (The persona you clothe yourself with-be real!)

Overall:

-I think, especially in correctly pursued Christian relationships, both women and men should be going about developing the relationship, and guarding themselves in similar ways, though their struggles in approaching a relationship may be different, so work on developing your relationships with Christian sisters (not my idea).

-What is the most difficult challenge a woman faces in developing a good relationship with a man, in your opinion?-For guys I am almost sure it is focusing too quickly on outward appearance as the basis for the relationship-I got somewhat burned here so I learned the lesson that you should not pursue a relationship with a girl just because you have some common interests and because she is pretty, but most guys still struggle with it

-I think one thing that might really help is that guys are very much like girls in terms of needing to guard their hearts, but guys tend to suppress their emotions much more, so if they are hurt they would not show it as much. They do this I think to avoid hurting themselves even more.

The number one way I think girls can “encourage” other Christian guys is by developing good relationships with them, seeking Christ (Heb 10:24-5). In a practical sense, by asking what they are learning and demanding an honest answer (about real convictions-see point 1), as well as sharing what you are learning, essentially being open, yet also continually aware of what the “status” of the relationship is. (See point 2 and 3 above)

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