Solutions - CloudTownsend
CCN WEEKLY SOLUTIONS SERIES
THE WEEK OF OCTOBER 5, 2009
Understanding
the Male Mind
Featuring
Dr. Henry Cloud
Psychologist
Best-selling co-author of Boundaries series,
Author, The Secret Things of God
and The One-Life Solution
Introduction
“Understanding the male mind”?
The goal: To help men and women understand where some logjams may occur
We all have parts that haven’t become mature
Developmental issue 1: Connection
A baby comes into the world looking for life in the form of connection
Trust begins to develop
If things go well, what follows is nurturing-seeking behavior
If there’s a problem, he learns to move not towards but away
Men, ask: How do I feel about neediness?
Ask: What am I afraid of?
Women, ask: Am I being someone inviting?
Developmental issue 2: Separate and free
The little boy seeks a sense of being separate and free
The freedom gives him the ability to be independent
He needs someone else to move toward who supports his independence
In Dad’s absence, he either gets enmeshed or becomes hyper-separate
Getting close to a woman may be a regressive experience
Couples, talk about independence from each other
Men: learn that being connected to your wife or girlfriend doesn’t mean losing your freedom
Women: the more you foster good independence, the more men will return to you
Stop fighting and ask: How are we doing in giving both security and freedom?
Developmental issue 3: “Am I good enough?”
When the little boy fails: “Do I get shamed and laughed at or condemned?”
If he brings this question into a relationship, it’s a big problem
Men with this question are attracted to two types of women:
The one who flatters
The one who requires more
Men who need to be idealized do not perform: they can’t take feedback
Gottman’s “Four Horses of the Apocalypse”
Criticalness from her
Defensiveness from him
Ask: Do we have the freedom to talk about anything that’s not good enough without it turning into a war?
Developmental issue 4: “What is my performance like male-to-male?”
The boy needs a dad who can coach him and model who he is vis-a-vis other men
Passing the torch: feeling man to man with Dad
Men, look for competency but be careful how this affects your relationship with women
Men’s groups are important to men’s functioning with their wives
Take-home tips
Talk about this process
Men, stop blaming your wife for what you may be bringing to the table
Next week on Solutions:
“Piece of My Heart”
Resources
The Heart Gallery
Boundaries National Simulcast
January 30, 2010
/boundaries
The One-Life Solution
by Dr. Henry Cloud
The Secret Things of God
by Dr. Henry Cloud
Sponsored In Part By:
New Life Ministries is a fully-equipped resource for the treatment of mental and spiritual health issues.
Contact Information
Dr. Henry Cloud
Cloud-Townsend Resources
18092 Sky Park South, Suite A
Irvine, CA 92614
Phone: 800-676-4673
Web:
Church Communication Network
PO Box 1718
Mountain View, CA 94042
Phone: 800-321-6781
Fax: 650-745-0660
Email: ccninfo@
Web:
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Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast.
—Psalm 22:9
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