Solutions
CCN WEEKLY SOLUTIONS SERIES
THE WEEK OF FEBRUARY 23, 2009
Give and Take
Featuring
Dr. Henry Cloud
Psychologist
Best-selling co-author of Boundaries series,
Author, The Secret Things of God
and The One-Life Solution
I. Introduction: How is your relationship structured?
Relationship should be structured in giving—and taking
It’s impossible to be healthy if you can’t do both
II. The nature of relationship itself
There is giving and taking
Your history can explain problems in your relationships
Givers tend to fall in love with takers
½ person x ½ person = ...
III. On the relational level: the nature of imbalance
Three parties in every relationship:
|We |I |You (or another “I”) |
In some marriages, all the energy goes to “We”
If the two don’t re-emerge as individuals , it makes a weaker We
An I who’s afraid of separateness
Sometimes everything is about one person
IV. What ought to happen: Adequate fulfillment for all three parties
Time and energy
- Investing in the We
- Investing in the I: I gave to you
Celebrating another person in their personhood
The other needs to be able to receive
In any relationship, everybody ought to be taking the temperature
Identify a problem before you have a problem
V. What the Bible says
“For”: When you’re for someone, then you never do anything that is not good for them
“We will never do anything that both of us are not enthusiastically for”
Three ways to give:
- Purposefully
- Under compulsion
- Begrudgingly
Purposeful giving: painful but not negative
We are to serve and to sacrifice: Ephesians 5
Be in relationship with the mindset of a servant
The attitude that what the other needs is more important
“Not looking out merely for our own interest” means looking out also for our own
The other may not even know what you need
Submission, not slavery
Express the interest in the other, listening and validating
Releasing creativity and finding solutions
When someone is heard, they give up things more easily
Small Group Discussion Questions
Give and Take
1. How do you find you have difficulty giving? How do you find you have difficulty taking?
2. One husband, according to Dr. Cloud, did something he said he hated because he loved how his wife loved it. Is there something like that you can do in your relationship?
3. What can you do to take the temperature in your relationship?
4. How can you look out for your own interest while serving the other?
Next week on Solutions:
“Desperately Seeking—Someone”
Resources
The One-Life Solution
by Dr. Henry Cloud
Nine Things You Simply Must Do: To Succeed in Love and Life
by Dr. Henry Cloud
Sponsored In Part By:
New Life Ministries is a fully-equipped resource for the treatment of mental and spiritual health issues.
Contact Information
Dr. Henry Cloud
Cloud-Townsend Resources
18092 Sky Park South, Suite A
Irvine, CA 92614
Phone: 800-676-4673
Web:
Church Communication Network
PO Box 1718
Mountain View, CA 94042
Phone: 800-321-6781
Fax: 650-745-0660
Email: ccninfo@
Web:
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Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
—2 Corinthians 9:7
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