College Life



College Life

By Paul Coupe

1. Int - A small quiet bar

[Three 18 year old guys are sitting in a bar. They all raise their glasses]

JAKE: To college!

ZACK & MARK: To college!

JAKE: Man, can you believe we finally made it?

MARK: I can’t believe Zack made it after the stunt with Mr.Harris and the wig.

ZACK: Hey! It should say on those things that they’re flammable! Besides he didn’t get hurt.

JAKE: Yeah but now he lives in a box and calls himself Goole the giver of pain!

ZACK: Well what’s important is that we straighten up. Now that we are at college we have to get serious! Before we were just high school kids messing around but now we are in the big leagues!

MARK: Right! No more messing around.

ZACK: Yeah! We’re gunna throw the biggest party ever! My friends we will go down in college history for throwing the best party ever! We are going all out for this one guys.

MARK: That’s right! (Realises what was said) wait, no. We can’t have a party before we even start classes. We’ll all be kicked out. My mum’s heart wouldn’t be able to take it, won’t you think of my dear old mummy’s hear Zack! Won’t you!?

JAKE: Dude you need to get out more. Oooooo gotta go, Spongebob Squarepants

is on and I never miss an episode.

[Jake runs out from the table but trips right by the door. He looks back embarrassed and then leaves.]

* CREDITS & TITLE MUSIC*

2. Int - College Dorm Room

[The guys are in their college dorm room. Mark is on the computer and Jake and Zack are sitting on their beds reading magazines.]

MARK: Well there’s something you don’t see everyday.

JAKE: (Not looking up) What’s up?

MARK: I just got an email containing the word “spank” 64 times. Hmm I didn’t even know people could bend in that direction.

[They both slowly put their magazines down and stare at him]

ZACK: Ok enough weirdness, let’s plan this party. We need beer of course, I can get that.

JAKE: The most important thing, chicks and I can take care of that (he winks).

MARK: Ok then I’ll go grab the piñata.

[Jake and Zack look at each other]

JAKE: Mark please don’t make us get another restraining order. Just leave the planning to us and go invite some people.

MARK: Fine but don’t blame me if the party lacks Spanish fun.

[Mark storms out. Jake and Zack look at each other.]

ZACK: Piñata?

[They both look at each other and laugh.]

* * * * *

3. Int - College Cafeteria

[Mark is wondering around the cafeteria with flyers advertising the party when he spots 3 girls sitting a table eating and talking. He decides to go over and talk to them.]

MARK: Well hello ladies my name is Mark Chester.

GIRL 1: Hi, Mark Chester. I’m Jess and this is Olivia and Victoria or Vic to her friends, (pause) so we call her Victoria.

VIC: Hi.

LIV: Hi.

[The three girls laugh. Mark shrugs his shoulders.]

MARK: So anywho me and some buddies of mine are throwing a party tonight in our dorm room. There’s gunna be beer and everything (sounds excited).

JESS: Wow, beer and everything how could a girl turn down that offer.

MARK: (enthusiastically) I know!

JESS: I was being sarcastic.

MARK: Oh (looks embarrassed). Are you gunna come or what?

VIC: Yeah sure, we got nothing else to do.

LIV: I’ll be there.

JESS: Yeah sure, we’ll be there then.

MARK: Cool, see you then but I do feel it is my duty to warn you before hand.

JESS: What?

MARK: I can’t bring myself to say it.

JESS: Spit it out.

MARK: (almost crying) There won’t be a piñata!

JESS: Okkkk then.

VIC: Bye Mark.

[The girls go back to talking to each other shutting out Mark.]

MARK: (half-heartedly) Ok then see ya later.

[Mark turns around to walk away and hits a table. He turns back and smiles to the girls and then limps off wincing in pain.]

* * * * *

4. Int - Back to the small quiet bar

[Jake and Zack are sitting round the table talking.]

JAKE: Ok I managed to get a lot of hot chicks to come tonight.

ZACK: Right but remember last time loads of hot girls showed up at one of our parties?

JAKE: Fine I promise my pants will not leave the leg area.

ZACK: Aaaaaand?

JAKE: Alright! Alright! I won’t rip my shirt off, I won’t jump on any tables and I won’t sing any Tom Jones songs OK?!!

ZACK: That reminds me. What about tunes?

JAKE: Well I was thinking a little Tom Jon-.

ZACK: NO! I’ll pick the music.

[Mark comes in and sits down next to them.]

ZACK & JAKE: Hey Mark.

MARK: Oh my god you guys are gunna love me.

JAKE: (nervously whispering) Mark I thought we agreed we’d never speak of THAT incident ever again.

MARK: Not that kinda love you mook. I invited 3 really hot babes to our party tonight.

ZACK: Nice going, you’re coming along well.

MARK: I handed out all my flyers as well.

JAKE: All of them?

MARK: Yeah, why?

ZACK: We gave all ours out too.

JAKE: Ok well we can talk about this later; I have a class to get to.

[Jake leaves. A few moments later Liv and Vic come through the door of the bar.]

MARK: Those two are the hot girls I invited.

ZACK: Hot eh?

MARK: Yup.

ZACK: Girls eh?

MARK: Yup.

ZACK: I’m in. Call them over

[Mark waves frantically at the girls and they walk over to the table.]

LIV: Hi, I’m Liv.

ZACK: The name’s Zack but you can call me love monkey.

[Liv sighs and sits down next to Zack. Vic sits next to Mark.]

MARK: So Vic what kinda stuff you in to?

VIC: Oh you know the usual stuff; music films that sort of thing.

MARK: Music huh? I’m in to a lot of AC/DC.

VIC: hey! Me too!

MARK: Wow what a coincidence!

ZACK: So that is when I realised it was infected.

[Vic and Mark look at Zack amazed.]

LIV: Gross!

VIC: Hey Liv we gotta get to class.

LIV: Ok bye guys.

VIC: See ya later.

MARK & ZACK: Bye.

[Vic and Liv leave.]

ZACK: Oh she soooo wants me.

[Mark rolls his eyes.]

* * * * *

5. Int - Class Room

[We see the Jake. He looks very bored and he starts to look around the room.]

JAKE V.O.: My god! What the hell is that on the ceiling? I reeaallly hope that is chocolate. Hmmm I wonder if being able to see my own nose hair is a bad sign.

[Looks around the class at all the other people.]

JAKE V.O.: I knew I shouldn’t have taken introduction to advanced physics. Hmmm I wonder what is for lunch.

[A girl a few rows in front of Jake drops her pencil. She bends down to pick it and Jake watches her.]

JAKE V.O.: Wow who is that? I bet she is hot. Please please please turn round.

[The girl turns round to reveal that she is actually Jess.]

JAKE V.O.: Oh yeah (Italian accent) That’s a spicy meataball.

[The bell rings and everyone gets up to leave. Jake gets up and catches up with Jess.]

JAKE: Hey good-looking’ did hit when you fell done from heaven?

JESS:(laughing) Oh my god that is so lame!

JAKE: Yeah well. So are you the kinda person who eats lunch?

JESS: Hmmm let me see.

JAKE: Do you wanna sorta kinda may-

JESS: Oh god come on.

[Jess grabs Jake’s shirt and pulls him off.]

* * * * *

6. Int - Cafeteria

[Jake and Jess are sitting down eating hamburgers.]

JAKE: So I’m like having a party tonight, it’d be really cool if you could make it.

JESS: Sorry I’m already going to a party tonight. Me and 2 of my friends were invited by this guy. He seemed a bit weird but free beer is too good to turn down.

JAKE: Wait, This guy wasn’t obsessed by a Spanish party game by any chance was he?

JESS: Oh my god yes!

JAKE: Yeah that’s my pal Mark. So I guess I’ll see you tonight.

JESS: Looks like it.

[She kisses him on the cheek and leaves.]

STUDENT 1: Hey buddy can we have this table?

JAKE: Are you kidding? After that I won’t be moving for some time.

[The student shakes his head and walks and Jake just sits there.]

STUDENT 2: Hey are you the guy who is throwing the party?

JAKE: Yeah, why?

STUDENT 2: I just wanted to know the deal on the old magic dragon.

[Student 2 nudges Jake with his elbow. Jake looks confused.]

JAKE: Err magic dragon?

STUDENT 2: You know happy smoke, the good stuff, the old fresh grass.

[Jake still looks confused and wants to leave.]

JAKE: Eh? Hey do whatever you want, I gotta go.

[Jake gets up and leaves and the student goes back to his group.]

* * * * *

7. Ext - A basketball Court

[The 3 guys are playing basketball.]

JAKE: So then she just gets up and kisses me.

ZACK: Mouth?

JAKE: Cheek.

ZACK: Dude she is totally hot for you.

JAKE: Ya think?

ZACK: Yeah totally!

MARK: Yeah I have to agree with that.

[Jake shoots and sinks a basket.]

JAKE: So what are the other two like?

ZACK: Well this Liv chick has really got it bad for me.

MARK: I definitely think things are going well for me and Vic.

ZACK: Yeah just make sure it isn’t another Sarah. Last thing we want is some mental chick stalking us all and threatening to and I quote “Roast us like turkey”.

MARK: She wasn’t that crazy.

JAKE: Come on man you met her in St.Omen’s Hospital for the Criminally Insane. That should have been your first clue right there.

MARK: I guess. It was just nice to have someone taking care of me.

ZACK: She stole your cat.

JAKE: Twice.

[They go back to playing basketball.]

JAKE: There is one other thing. It was really weird. I had just finished lunch then this dude came over to me and asked if he could puff the magic dragon at our party tonight. How weird is that? I mean what the hell is a magic dragon?

[The other two guys stop playing.]

ZACK: You told him no right?

JAKE: Huh?

MARK: Oh god please say that you told him no.

JAKE: I told him to do what he wants, what’s the big deal?

ZACK: You idiot!

JAKE: What?!

MARK: A magic dragon is a joint. That guy is going to bring drugs to our party and all of his friends too.

ZACK: Oh we are so screwed.

JAKE: We can just cancel the party. Or we can hire a bouncer.

MARK: No can do, we invited loads of people, we can’t cancel and we have no money for a bouncer.

JAKE: Ok lets think, who is actually gunna know? If we keep them in a room so the smoke doesn’t get out.

ZACK: Why can’t we just not let them in?

JAKE: You didn’t see the size of them.

ZACK: OK as long as we keep all of them in a room I think we can pull it off.

JAKE: Which room?

MARK & ZACK: Yours!

JAKE: Why mine?

ZACK: Cos you got us in to this mess.

JAKE: Ok fine.

MARK: Guys we’d better go setup for the party.

[The three guys walk off.]

* * * * *

8. Int - Dorm Room

[The guys are making last minute prep for the party. Mark is putting his stuff away, Zack is picking music and Jake is getting the beer ready.]

JAKE: Ok the beer is all setup. What are you doing Mark?

MARK: I don’t want my laptop and stuff to be broken.

JAKE: Is the bubble wrap really needed?

[Mark fiddles with some Post-its.]

JAKE: There is no need to write you name on it man. No one else would be geeky enough to put our stuff in bubble wrap.

[Mark puts his stuff in the draw and slams it and then gives Jake a dirty look. The stereo then starts up with some rock music.]

ZACK: This music is killer; his party is seriously gunna rock.

[There is a knock at the door and the three guys go to answer it. They open the door and there is a sea of people there and they bundle their way past the stunned guys.]

* * * * *

9. Int - Dorm Room

[There is a knock at the door. Jake opens it to reveal Jess, Vic and Liv.]

JESS: This is the guy ladies.

[The girls all laugh.]

JAKE: Hi I’m Jake, welcome to my dorm and also the venue of the best party ever.

VIC: Hi, what’s up, I’m Vic.

LIV: I’m Liv. Hey cool stereo.

JAKE: Thanks, its Zack’s. Come on in and grab some beer.

[Vic and Liv walk past but Jake grabs Jess before she goes past.]

JAKE: I need your help.

JESS: I told you, just go to the pharmacy and they’ll give you an ointment for it.

JAKE: Not that! I accidentally told some guys they could smoke dope at the party.

JESS: What!?

JAKE: Hey keep it down!

JESS: Ok so how did this happen?

JAKE: This guy came up to me and asked if he could smoke the magic dragon at the party.

JESS: So you don’t know what that means?

JAKE: No! It isn’t that obvious ya know.

JESS: Ok well what is the plan?

JAKE: We’re gunna put them in a room and pray no one goes in.

JESS: It’s a dumb plan but I’m onboard, tell me when they get here.

JAKE: Ok.

[Jess walks off and Zack and Mark walk up to Jake.]

ZACK: Dude she is damn hot!

JAKE: I know! Yours is damn fine as well.

ZACK: She sure is. I’d better go find her.

[Zack leaves and makes his way through the crowd.]

MARK: You ok? I haven’t seen you like this for years.

JAKE: I dunno Mark. There is something about Jess that gives me all these feelings.

MARK: Dude I know exactly what you’re talking about.

JAKE: Right now I actually miss her and that’s crazy cos I’ve known her half a day. I can’t think about this now, I have to save us from being kicked out of college before we’ve even been here two days.

[The pot head student walks through the door with all his buddies.]

MARK: Good luck man, I got your back.

JAKE: Yeah yeah just go.

MARK: Thank you!

[Mark runs off through the crowd. Jake walks up to the pot head student.]

STUDENT 2: Hey dude!

JAKE: Err hi. Listen I’ve been thinking and I don’t think it would be a good idea -

[The Pot head student grabs Jake by the collar of his shirt.]

JAKE: If you smoke in here. It’s all cramped and I want you to enjoy yourself so we made you a special room right through there.

[Jake signals Jess and she directs the pot heads to the room. Jess then comes back to Jake.]

JESS: Ok so far so good.

JAKE: at least it can’t get any worse.

[There is a nock on the door. Jake opens it to reveal the dorm manager.]

JAKE: (hiding his beer) Hi sir, what brings you to our humble dorm.

DORM MANAGER: I just thought I’d stop by and check on your party.

JAKE: Check away sir.

[The dorm manager starts looking around and Zack comes over and joins Jake and Jess.]

ZACK: Hi I’m Zack, Jake’s better looking and more talented friend.

JESS: Right, I’m Jess.

DORM MANAGER: Why does this keg say beer on it?

JESS: Err that is Latin for lemonade.

[The dorm manager looks suspicious then nods his head. He walks back over to Jake, Jess and Zack.]

DORM MANAGER: Ok everything looks in order here -

[The dorm manager takes a deep sniff.]

DORM MANAGER: What is that smell?

JAKE: What smell? I don’t smell anything. Do you Zack?

ZACK: No nothing.

JAKE: See?

ZACK: Apart from the pot.

DORM MANAGER: POT!!!!?? I sure hope that is slang for something because if I find drugs in this dorm, you’re out of here!

JAKE: He didn’t say pot he said -

JESS: PET! Someone brought a parrot to the party.

DORM MANAGER: Oh really? Then you won’t mind if I take a quick look around.

[The dorm manager comes to room the pot heads are in. He opens the door to reveal them studying.]

STUDENT 2: Hi sir, lovely day for studying isn’t it?

DORM MANAGER: I guess so. (To Jake) Hey you! Remember to get rid of that parrot when you’re done, this building has a no pet law ya know.

JAKE: Yes sir, will do.

[Jake shows the dorm manager out and comes back. He hits Zack in the arm.]

JAKE: You almost got us caught you idiot.

ZACK: Yeah I think I’m a bit drunk. Hey that parrot stole my beer!

[Zack walks off looking for a parrot that isn’t there.]

JESS: (laughing) He is gunna have a sore head in the morning.

JAKE: He sure is. Thanks for saving our asses today but why were those guys studying?

JESS: Well I got Liv and Vic to help. I signalled to them when you opened the door and they must have told the stoners. It was kinda cool hanging out with you today, trying to stop you from getting yourself kicked out of college after a day.

JAKE: You’re amazing.

JESS: So are you.

[Jake and Jess kiss whilst Zack is break dances on the floor.]

* END CREDITS *

10. Int - Dorm Room

[Mark finds a joint lying around on the worktop.]

MARK: Someone left a cigarette. Well there is a first time for everything.

[He lights up the joint and starts to puff on it. From Mark’s point of view we see lots of swirling colours and a green parrot.]

MARK: Ok nothing about this is good.

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