FEW THOUGHTS ABOUT THE WAY WE INTERACT WITH THE …

[Pages:180]NOTES ON COMMUNICATION

A FEW THOUGHTS ABOUT THE WAY WE

INTERACT WITH THE PEOPLE WE MEET

Dr Gordon Coates

A free e-book from

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Creative Commons Copyright 2009 by Dr Gordon Coates This work is distributed under the Creative Commons AttributionNoncommercial-Share Alike licence, the Commons Deed of which is paraphrased below. You are free: to Share -- to copy, distribute and transmit the work to Remix -- to adapt the work Under the following conditions: Attribution: You must attribute the work in the manner specified* by the author or licensor (but not in any way that suggests that they endorse you or your use of the work). Noncommercial: You may not use this work for commercial purposes. Share Alike: If you alter, transform, or build upon this work, you may distribute the resulting work only under the same or similar licence to this one. For any reuse or distribution, you must make clear to others the licence terms of this work. Any of the above conditions can be waived if you get permission from the copyright holder. Nothing in this licence impairs or restricts the author's moral rights. Your fair dealing and other rights are in no way affected by the above. This Commons Deed is not a licence. It is simply a handy reference for understanding the Legal Code (the full licence) which is available at

*Attribution:

Coates, G.T. 2009. Notes on Communication: A few thoughts about the way we interact with the people we meet. Free e-book from

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ABOUT THESE NOTES

Why bother to read a book about something so obvious and routine as communication? Perhaps because, obvious or not, communication is one of the most important things we ever do. It is the interpersonal equivalent of breathing. Just as the physical life of any individual depends on breathing, the interactive life of any number of people, from a couple to a country, depends on communication.

Another way in which communication is like breathing is that we often take it for granted. Indeed, we ignore some aspects almost completely. In the case of breathing, that only matters in special circumstances. Most of the time, we breathe fairly well without thinking about it. However, when it comes to communication, it is best not to leave too much to chance.

To ignore some aspects of communication is to wear interpersonal blinkers. Blinkers allow you to see ahead, but there is a very real risk of bumping into ? or even falling off ? unnoticed things which are right beside you. Especially (though by no means only) if you work with people, such haphazard interpersonal navigation is simply not good enough.

No prior knowledge about communication is assumed in this little book, and the emphasis is on the practical things which I have found most helpful during my medical career. As a result, many aspects of communication are not addressed at all. Those that are included are discussed from a personal perspective, but I have not proposed any entirely new theories or methods.

Despite their brevity, I think these notes provide a basic understanding of the principles and practices which enable good communication. I therefore hope that readers will find them not only interesting, but also of practical value.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr Coates was born in Melbourne, Australia in 1946, and studied medicine at the University of Melbourne and the Royal Melbourne Hospital. He entered General (Child & Family) Practice in 1971, working in various parts of Australia and England before settling in Sydney, Australia in 1977.

His interests in western psychology and eastern philosophy brought him into contact with psychiatrist and thanatologist Dr Elisabeth K?bler-Ross in 1979, and he subsequently spent a year studying at her training centre in California.

Returning to Sydney in 1981, he spent the next twelve years working in the field of palliative medicine. During those years, he directed new departments of palliative care in two Sydney teaching hospitals, attended a number of hospices, ran a community palliative care service and was a founding vicepresident of the Palliative Care Association of NSW. His ideas about interpersonal communication, while certainly not new, have been considerably influenced by his work with dying patients and their loved ones, and also by his later work in geriatric community care in inner suburban Sydney.

At the beginning of 2007, Dr Coates decided to close his medical practice in order to devote the majority of his time to writing. These notes about communication are the second result of that decision, the first being the book "Wanterfall".1 Various other topics are currently in draft form, and will be made available via as they are completed.

These publications, incidentally, are quite deliberately written in Australian English (no, that is not an oxymoron). This may explain the occasional linguistic surprise, as you read them.

1 Coates, G.T. 2008. Wanterfall: A practical approach to the understanding and healing of the emotions of everyday life. Free e-book from

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

I am greatly indebted to my honorary editor, my wife Suzanne Norris, both for rescuing me from the worst examples of my habitual assault upon the English language and for providing a critical appraisal of the text. Various errors may well have survived. If so, they simply reflect my recidivist tendencies. Therefore, if you cannot understand a passage in the text, blame me; but if you can understand it, thank Suzanne ? as I have been doing, with good reason, for nearly thirty years.

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CONTENTS

ABOUT THESE NOTES

3

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

4

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

5

FOREWORD

12

DEFINITIONS OF COMMUNICATION

13

THREE SIMPLE DEFINITIONS

13

ONE SIMPLE PROCESS?

14

INFORMATION AND MEANING

15

SENDING AND RECEIVING MESSAGES

18

INPUTS

20

OUTPUTS

22

PREFERRED INPUTS AND OUTPUTS

23

Visual Communication Style

28

Visual Words

28

Visual Actions

28

Visual Eye Movements

28

Visual Conflict Responses

29

Auditory Communication Style

29

Auditory Words

29

Auditory Actions

30

Auditory Eye Movements

30

Auditory Conflict Responses

30

Tactile Communication Style

31

Tactile Words

31

Tactile Actions

31

Tactile Eye Movements

32

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Tactile Conflict Responses

32

Verbal Communication Style

33

Verbal Words

33

Verbal actions

33

Verbal Eye Movements

34

Verbal Conflict Responses

34

COMMUNICATION STYLES IN PRACTICE

35

COMMUNICATING USING WORDS

39

UNDERSTANDING

40

How Words Work

40

Shades of Meaning

42

MISUNDERSTANDING

45

General Precautions

45

Language Barrier

45

NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION

48

NON-VERBAL SCIENCE

49

NON-VERBAL TERMS

50

NON-VERBAL EXAMPLES

52

First Impressions

53

Distance

53

Orientation

54

Posture

55

Movements

55

Gestures

57

Facial Expressions

59

Eye Contact

62

Sound Effects

63

Direct Contact

65

Consent Issues

68

Personal Qualities

70

Integration

74

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ACTIVE LISTENING

75

LISTENER ORIENTATION

76

Empathy

76

Respect

77

Acceptance

78

Congruence

78

Concreteness

79

Undivided Attention

80

REFLECTIVE TECHNIQUE

80

Reflection

81

Evidence of Attention

82

Encouragement of the Narrator

83

Restarting a Stalled Narrative

83

Reassuring the Client

83

Clarification

84

Correcting Errors

84

Filling Gaps

85

Results (Listener)

85

Results (Client)

86

SUMMARY OF BENEFITS OF ACTIVE LISTENING

86

ASSERTIVENESS

88

THE PROBLEM

88

Conflict

88

Emotions

89

THE SOLUTION

90

Principles

90

Practice

92

Face

93

NEGOTIATION

94

GENERAL POINTS

94

A FRAMEWORK FOR ASSERTIVENESS

96

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