Beth Chaim, Initial Evaluation



TRAINING THE

GATEKEEPERS

This workshop has been funded by a strategic grant from the Jewish Community Federation of San Francisco, the Peninsula, Marin and Sonoma Counties.

TRAINING THE GATEKEEPERS

SCHEDULE

12:00 Registrations and Lunch

12:15 Welcome and Introduction of Project Welcome, Leaders and Participants

12:30 Text Study with Nancy Gennet

12:50 Keynote

1:20 Statistics on Intermarriage

1:40 BREAK

1:50 Example Role Play

Putting your feet in the shoes of a caller

Handling those difficult, angry callers

2:20 Small Group Discussions:

Three opportunities to play out real situations. Each group will work for 30 minutes.

Group 1: Interfaith Birth and LGBT Interfaith Caller

Group 2: Conversion and Interfaith Wedding

Group 3: Interfaith mourning and Interfaith Bar Mitzvah

3:50 BREAK

4:00 What Makes Good Service?

Accentuating the Positive!

A guide to great phone reception

4:30 Q and A/Summary of Learning/Evaluations

Data collection

Voice Mail

Karen Kushner, M.S.W., Project Welcome Director

Karen worked as a family educator, therapist, and lecturer before becoming the director of Project Welcome in 2003.  For over twenty years, she taught religious school to teenagers and primary students and designed a Hebrew curriculum for second graders learning with their parents.  She has co-authored, with Anita Diamant, How to be a Jewish Parent: A Practical Handbook for Family Life.  And, with her husband, Lawrence Kushner, she has written Because Nothing Looks Like God, (an adult theology for very young children) as well as a Teachers' and Parents' guide.  She is the mother of three adult children and grandmother of three.

Nancy Gennet, M.S.W

Nancy Gennet, the daughter of an interfaith marriage, has been involved in work with individuals considering conversion to Judaism since her own conversion in 1986. She is a social worker with a background in family therapy. Nancy was the Director of Outreach for the Pacific Central West Region of The Union for Reform Judaism in 2003-2004 and attended the URJ Outreach Fellowship for Conversion Certification in 2003. She is currently a member of the URJ Commission on Outreach and Synagogue Community.

|[pic] |PROJECT WELCOME / The Union for Reform Judaism |

| |235 Montgomery Street, Suite 1120, San Francisco, CA 94104 |

| |Karen Kushner, M.S.W., Director; Shira Butler, Program Associate |

| |projectwelcome@ 415.392.7080 |

TABLE OF CONTENTS

TEXT STUDY: PARASHAT VA’YERA…………………………………………………………...4

STATISTICS ON INTERMARRIAGE ……………………………………………………………5

ROLE PLAY: CALLER SCENARIOS……………………………………..……………………….6

ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE………………………………………………………………….9

PUTTING YOUR FEET IN THE SHOES OF A CALLER …………………………...………….10

DIFFICULT SITUATIONS AND ANGRY CALLERS ……….…………………………….…….11

A GUIDE TO GREAT PHONE RECEPTION…………………..………………………………12

PHONE INQUIRY DATA COLLECTION FORM …………………………………….……...13

VOICE MAIL GUIDE……………………………………………………………………………14

PHONE ASSESSMENT INVENTORY…………………………………………………………..15

Parashat Va’yera

ϕη ερπ

κ⁄ϖ↔…τ♦ϖ?ϕ?♥,??Π χ⊄∞ϑ↔η τΥℑϖ±υ τ•∞ρ♣ν♥ν η…↓βΟ?∞τ?Χ ϖ≡″υ↔ϖ±η ↵υη?κ∞τ τ⊇♦ρ↓Η≥υ€τ [τρηυ ,αρπ]

.♦ρ⊇″Η≥υ τ♣ρ|≥Η≥υ υη•?κ?γ οη…?χ?Μ°β οη≡ƒϑ″β≤τ ϖ⊃♦ϑΟ♣ϑ ↵ϖ↓Βƒϖ±υ τ♣ρ≡≥Η≥υ ↵υη″βη?γ τ⊇♦←°Η≥υ€χ :οΙ?Η♥ϖ ο↔⊄ϕ?Φ

↵ι∞ϕ ηƒ,τ⊇?μ♦ν τ∈″β?οƒτ η|″β↔σ≤τ ρ•♥ντ↔Η≥υ€δ :ϖ?μ♣ρ?♦τ Υϕ…♥Τ♣ϑ°Η≥υ κ⁄ϖ↔≡τ♦ϖ ϕ?♥,⊃?Πƒν ↵ο♦,τ♦ρ♣ε?κ

ο•?φη?κ±δ♥ρ Υ…μ≤ϕ?♥ρ±υ ο°η≡♥ν?ψ?γ♣ν τ⊃″β?ϕ♥Ε?×η€σ :Ω?⁄Σ?χ?γ κ⊄?γ∞ν ρ↔…χ?γ?♥, τ⊄″β?κ♥τ Ωη≡→βη?γ?Χ

Υρ↔≡χ?γ?♥Τ ρ⊃♥ϕ♥τ ↵ο?φ?Χ?κ Υ⊇σ?γ?♥ξ±υ ο⁄ϕℜ?κ?,?π ϖ∈♦ϕ♣ε⁄τ±υ€ϖ :.??γ♦ϖ ,♥ϕ⊄♥Τ Υ…β?γ?♦↑?ƒϖ±υ

ρ⊆∞ϖ♥ν±η≥υ€υ :♦Τ♣ρ??ΧƒΣ ρ⊄⁄ϑ≤τ??Φ ϖ…⁄Γ?γ?♥Τ ι⊄?Φ Υ≡ρ♣ντ↔⊃Η≥υ ο•?φ♣Σ?χ?γ?κ?γ ο…⁄Τ♣ρ?χ?γ ι⊄?Φ?κ?γ?η??Φ

ηƒϑΥ…κ ,?κ↔≡ξ ϕ♥ν⊃⁄ε ↵οηƒτ♣ξ ϑ↔⊇κ♣ϑ η⊗ƒρ≤ϖ?♥ν ρ⁄ντ↔|Η≥υ ϖ•♦ρ♦Γ?κ⁄τ ϖ?κϒϖ↔…τ♦ϖ οℑ♦ϖ♦ρ?χ♥τ

ι⊃∞Τ°Η≥υ ↵χΙψ″υ Θ⊇♥ρ ρℜ♦ε?Χ?ι?Χ ϕ∈♥Ε°Η≥υ ο•♦ϖ♦ρ?χ♥τ .⊃♦ρ ρ…♦ε?Χ♥ϖ?κ⁄τ±υ€ζ :,Ι?δ?γ η⊄ƒΓ?γ?≥υ

ϖ≡♦Γ?γ ρ⊃⁄ϑ≤τ ↵ρ♦ε?Χ♥ϖ?ι?χΥ χ|?κ♦ϕ±υ ϖℜ♦τ♣ν⁄ϕ ϕ∈♥Ε°Η≥υ€ϕ :Ι?,↔τ ,Ι⊄Γ?γ??κ ρ…∞ϖ♥ν±η≥υ ρ?γ≡≥Β♥ϖ?κ⁄τ

:Υκ??φτ↔Η≥υ .…?γ♦ϖ ,♥ϕ⊄♥Τ οℑ⁄ϖη?κ?γ σ⊆∞ν↔γ τΥ∈ϖ±υ ο•⁄ϖη↓β?π?κ ι…∞Τ°Η≥υ

Genesis 18:1 – 22:24 – Va’yera (This translation was taken from the JPS Tanakh)

1 The Lord appeared to him by the terebinths of Mamre; he was sitting at the entrance of the tent as the day grew hot. 2 Looking up, he saw three men standing near him. As soon as he saw them, he ran from the entrance of the tent to greet them and, bowing to the ground, 3 he said, “My lords, if it please you, do not go on past your servant. 4 Let a little water be brought; bathe your feet and recline under the tree. 5 And let me fetch a morsel of bread that you may refresh yourselves; then go on seeing that you have come your servant’s way.” They replied, “Do as you have said.”

Abraham hastened into the tent to Sarah, and said, “Quick, three seahs of choice flour! Knead and make cakes!” 7 Then Abraham ran to the herd, took a calf, tender and choice, and gave it to a servant-boy, who hastened to prepare it. 8 He took curds and milk and the calf that had been prepared and set these before them; and he waited on them under the tree as they ate.

Our Jewish Community: Connections and Opportunities

There are 125,000 Jewish households in the Bay Area that include 64.000 non-Jews.

Inmarried

Intermarried

Sonoma Marin SF N. Peninsula S. Peninsula

County County County

|REGION |MARRIAGE |Belongs to |Volunteered for |Attended JCC|Belongs to |

| | |Synagogue |Jewish | |Jewish |

| | | |organization | |organization |

|Sonoma  |In married |51% |56% |22% |44% |

| |Intermarried |9% |16% |0% |9% |

|Marin  |In married |66% |71% |53% |39% |

| |Intermarried |17% |20% |34% |12% |

|San |In married |36% |31% |22% |24% |

|Francisco  | | | | | |

| |Intermarried |15% |21% |34% |0% |

|North |In married |32% |23% |3% |31% |

|Peninsula  | | | | | |

| |Intermarried |11% |14% |19% |18% |

|South |In married |50% |76% |57% |46% |

|Peninsula  | | | | | |

| |Intermarried |12% |20% |4% |1% |

Jewish Diversity:

► By geography: Largets population in South Peninsula, fastest growth in Sonoma County

► By household: Single-person households now 44% of the total (from 33% in 1986), single parent households growing fast

► By age: 45-64 age group now 30% of the total, up from 25%

25-44 age group now 21%, down from 33%

► By affinity: 33,000 seniors, 26,000 Russian speakers, 15,000 LGBT, 13,000 Israelis

Who We Are

55% of Married Couples are Interfaith

► The national average is 59%

Connecting the Next Generation

Most children are being raised with a Jewish connection:

41% with two Jewish Parent 18% with a 42% by interfaith parents

Jewish single parent

Role Play

Take turns role playing the following brief scenarios that have been adapted from actual phone calls. Notice that, in each case, the tone of the voice of the caller gives the clue to the feelings underneath. See how the emotions we talked about make you feel and change your response.

After each role play, discuss:

➢ What are your own feelings as you take this call?

➢ How does it affect you when the caller is sad, scared, defensive, or angry?

Caller Scenarios

Example - Intermarried Caller:

“Someone told me that, if I join your temple, my husband and I won’t be able to be buried together in your cemetery. Is that true? Just because he’s Presbyterian? Who can I talk to about this? No, I don’t want to give my name. Why does Judaism try to drive us all away?”

First Response: “Oh dear, is one of you very sick? I hope not. When one of us is ill, our caring community can bring you meals and help with rides to doctors.”

Policy Questions:

➢ Do you know the policy of your congregation regarding burial?

➢ If you know that her statement is false, how would you tell her that?

➢ If the statement is true, who can you refer her to?

➢ If you do not know the policy, do you know who does? Who could you ask?

➢ If the rabbi is not available and the caller does not wish to leave her name, who else could address this?

➢ How will you address her last question? Who can reassure her that she will not be driven away?

Closing: “I am glad you called and I hope that you see that we care about people here”

The issue behind the Issue:

The caller is angry at being rejected by the Jewish community. She needs to know that your community will not reject her family. Everyone is looking for a welcoming community.She needs to know that they will not be the only intermarried couple and that the congregation has thought about their policies.

If there are only a few mixed couples in your synagogue or active in your organization, what else about the congregation or organization might appeal to her and reassure her or the welcome of intermarried families? Who can connect her with other families in the congregation who might have similar family situations?

Caller Scenarios, cont.

Interfaith LGBT Caller:

“My name is Betsy Stern. My partner is Julie Morgan and we are a gay interfaith couple. and we are looking to join a Temple/organization that has other families like ours. We have adopted a beautiful Chinese daughter, Sophia Morgan-Stern, and want to know if there will be other families like ours at your synagogue. In your organization”

First Response:

Policy Questions:

Closing:

Interfaith Wedding Caller:

“I have a unique problem. I’m Unitarian and I’m marrying a Jewish woman. Will your rabbi do our wedding on Saturday afternoon, June 17?”

First Response:

Policy Questions:

Closing:

Birth Rituals Caller:

“This is Jeff Schwartz. I’m calling from the hospital. Megan, my wife who is not Jewish, just delivered a baby boy. We are not members but we have attended High Holidays and other events. I have some questions. Do we have to have a bris to have a Hebrew name for our son? Could we have a naming at the synagogue later? I want a baby naming because I don't believe in circumcision.  Will you help us?” Does it matter if he’s being baptized as well?”

First Response:

Policy Questions:

Closing:

Conversion Caller:

“This is Katie Lee. I’m thinking about converting to Judaism. What does that involve? Can I talk to someone?”

First Response:

Policy Questions:

Closing:

Ritual Participation for Non-Jewish Family Members

“My name is Marvin Newman. My son will become a bar mitzvah next August. My wife Jody and her parents are not Jewish. I’d like to know what role they can have in the bar mitzvah.”

First Response:

Policy Questions:

Closing:

Funeral and Bereavement Callers

“Hi, this is Faith Brown, my father died last night and I am flying to Tulsa for the funeral. Can you use the phone chain to let people know? I know what wonderful comfort the synagogue provided to my mother-in law when Josh’s father died. Is there anything you can do for me?”

First Response:

Policy Questions:

Closing:

Questions/Responses

► How do I sign up for classes to become Jewish?

Determine with your rabbi what the response should be. Most likely, your rabbi will want you to refer the caller to him/her, rather than just signing them up. If you do not have basic Judaism classes or even if you do it’s wise to have information available on the basic facts—where, when, cost—of other local “Introduction to Judaism” classes and Outreach programs such as “A Taste of Judaism: Are You Curious?”, “Stepping Stones to a Jewish Me ” and educational or discussion programs for interfaith couples.

► Where do I go to buy something my husband calls a “your-sight” (yahrzeit) candle?

Know the various local stores that sell them and share that information. But first, offer to explain what a yahrzeit candle is and how it’s used (see glossary). This applies to any ritual object that a caller may inquire about. Remember, if you are not certain of the answer, refer the call to someone else or offer to find out and call back shortly.

► Someone told me Jewish people don’t send flowers for funerals. What should I send?

Discuss the appropriateness of making a memorial contribution or sending food to the shiva home. Again, be ready to explain such terms as “shiva.” Suggest some local establishments from which they can order food.

► I’m invited to a bar mitzvah at your temple and I’ve never been to a Jewish service. What will I have to do?

Assure them that many visitors who are not Jewish attend your services and then explain the customs of your particular congregation. What is the appropriate attire for men and women? Will most people wear kipot? Will a visitor be able to follow the service? Is it appropriate to participate? Also, explain what, as guests, they will not have to do.

Accentuate the Positive

How you deliver your answer is important! Sometimes what callers want, you cannot give them. Preparing a positive response may make the difference in whether they feel welcome or not.

|Negative Messages | Positive Messages |

| | |

| |I will have the rabbi call you as soon as possible. |

|The rabbi is busy and cannot talk to you. | |

| |Let me see if I can find a way for you to get that information to |

| |you after Shabbat |

|We don’t do that here. (writing | |

|on Shabbat, ) | |

| | |

| |I would be happy to help edit that or help you to copy that. Let |

| |me know when you are ready. |

|I am too busy to do that; that is not in my job description. | |

| | |

| | |

| | |

Putting Your Feet in the Shoes of a Caller

Remember the caller may have never been in a synagogue or Jewish agency. They could be feeling any or all of these emotions:

• nervousness • embarrassment

• uneasiness • fear

• excitement • confusion

• shyness • apprehension

• guilt • curiosity

The caller may be part of an intermarried couple and be expecting to be rejected or mistreated. They could be feeling any or all of these emotions:

• anger

• defensiveness

• guilt

• embarrassment

• fear of rejection

Difficult Situations and Angry Callers

Angry or upset callers speak loudly and rapidly because they have a story about how they have been mistreated that they want you to hear. They may be angry with a particular situation, or a person. But since you answered the phone, their anger will spill out onto you. Here are some tips for defusing their anger and moving towards a solution.

1. Listen patiently to their story. Summarize or paraphrase to show your understanding of the content.

2. Empathize to show that you understand the caller’s feelings.

3. Remember they are not angry at you.

4. Apologize if it seems the synagogue or agency is responsible. Acknowledge their experience, even if it’s not the synagogue’s fault.

5. Get as many facts as you can. This shows you care about their issue.

6. Make sure that the caller is transferred to the right person and that the facts you have collected get transferred as well. If the right person is not available take responsibility for making sure they get called back.

7. Thank them for calling and for their feedback.

When you hear an angry voice, try to remember:

Anger is a response to a past hurt. The caller has been wounded by the Jewish community or is anticipating being hurt and is trying to ward off another painful experience.

Think of their anger as a shield or bullet proof vest that they put on in desperation. Underneath the anger is a sad and scared soul.

PROJECT WELCOME / UNION FOR REFORM JUDAISM

Karen Kushner, M.S.W., Director

A Guide to Great Phone Reception

1. Answer with a Smile. It sounds different. Introduce yourself so the caller knows it is not a recording. “Shalom, Temple Beth El. This is Karen.” You do not work at IBM, and a corporate image is not what you want to project.

2. First Response: Answer with feeling! “Congratulations! I’m glad to hear of your marriage/ I’m so sorry for your loss.” Be enthusiastic, happy to help and happy to hear their story. It tells you who to transfer the call to or how to get them what they need.

3. Go the Extra Mile: Give them more than they asked for! Help them to see themselves as part of your community by describing others like them and activities they would enjoy.

4. Policy Questions: People want answers and often will ask you when they cannot reach the rabbi, educator, membership chair, or administrator. Keep the policy statements close by so you can refer to them.

5. Make a Connection: Let them know you are taking down their name because you want to remember them and are hoping they will have a deep connection with the synagogue or organization.

6. End Warmly. “I know you’ll like it here. Please call again. Let me know if you have other questions.”

GOAL of ALL CALLS: To make a connection, to be warm and inviting, to express a welcome, to have the caller feel like they have been treated in a special way.

PHONE INQUIRY

DATA COLLECTION FORM

name: ________________________________________________________________________

phone numbers: _______________________________________________________________

name of partner: ______________________________________________________________

why are you calling today?

← Interested in High Holiday Tickets

← Interested in membership

← Interested in adult classes

← Interested in religious school for children

← Curious about Judaism

← Getting married/committed

□ Interfaith

what is your religious background?

Religious background: S(elf) P(artner)

← Reform

← Renewal

← Conservative

← Orthodox

← Secular Jew

← Zionist

← Israeli Secular

If Jewish:

Bar/Bat Mitzvah Y/N

Post bar/bat mitzvah Jewish education Y/N

Confirmation Y/N

Jewish summer camp Y/N

Jewish Youth Group Y/N

If intermarried or intercommitted – What is your partner’s religious background?

← Christian _________________________________________________________________________

← Moslem __________________________________________________________________________

← Hindu ____________________________________________________________________________

← Buddhist _________________________________________________________________________

where did you grow up?

← Grew up in California

← Grew up in _____________________________________________

Lived previously in __________________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Names and ages of children: _________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Childhood family belonged to a synagogue? Y/N

Name of synagogue _________________________________________________________________________

Rabbi _______________________________________________________________________________________

Current family belonged to a synagogue previously? Y/N

Name of synagogue _________________________________________________________________________

Rabbi________________________________________________________________________________________

Voice Mail Guide

Communicating your welcome:

Send a message of warmth, not officiousness, in your words and tone.

Synagogues do not need to be seen by callers as businesslike. We need to send out the message that we are an extended family of people who support each other in times of crisis and celebration. Make both the words, the tone and the speed of the message communicate this. Choose the person who records the message carefully. I have had people who have never been in a synagogue in their lives tell me they call at night to hear the voice mail message to decide if they want to call in the day!

Make is simple!

What is said first? Are the instructions easy to follow? Remember that first time callers may not know who they should leave a message for and will not understand any shorthand labels.

Remember this caller may be new to the synagogue or to Judaism! Avoid using Hebrew or Yiddish words.

Assume a persona and think about how the voice mail will work for the situation of that persona.

A death has occurred. A bad diagnosis or job loss.

You are new to the city and don’t know your way around.

You are a visitor and don’t know when services are.

You are not Jewish, or are LGBT and unsure if you will be welcomed.

You are single and have no children and wonder if there is a place for you.

How long before messages are returned?

Who is responsible for responding to the caller?

-----------------------

61%

39%

38%

62%

46%

25%

54%

75%

25%

75%

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