'Unbelievable'



"Unbelievable"

by Bill Brennick - 9/11/2013

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Well, it's the first week of September and today it's 95 degrees heat. Unreal.

It's just not right. I believe Alex Jones that the government has been modifying

the weather. But anyway, I'm gonna give a run down on where I stand in life.

I'm 44 years old. I live in a shithole. It's a shared rooming house. It's

a small room I rent, and share the bathroom. No kitchen, no ovens, and I

cook meals (when I have them) in my microwave. Nice, huh?

I have no internet access, because Comcast screwed me last month. I was late on

the monthly payment, and they ended up charging me with a massive $350 late fee.

I basically told them to go fuck themselves. I also lost my cable TV, so no shows to

watch, no NASCAR races to watch. Pisses me the fuck off.

Oh well. I watch a lot of my few DVD's and play a few games on this computer.

Anywho...

As for my health, I'm not doing too good at all. I have now to live with

diabetes type 2. My blood-sugar levels are crazy. They shoot high in the

400's and then back to 100 when I shoot the insulin. One of the biggest problems

is, is my diet. I have preferred to drink sugar based sodas. My case-manager, John, makes me drink diet sodas which I hate. I think they taste like shit. So I meet the middle

by drinking Coke Zero drinks. Sprite Zero, etc. Plus I drink a lot of coffee. Coffee

is like a large beast of a woman that controls me like a kitten. Coffee has a

power which cannot be controlled. As for the food intake. I'm not on a diabetes

diet. I eat what I can. I eat what I can get. So that also has to do with my sugar level

getting high.

I now have neuropathy of the feet. It has to do with diabetes. The pain in my feet

flares up every few days. My doctor has me on a medication for it. The med works

pretty well. It's just hard to walk when the pain comes and goes.

Next, the people at the local hospital have found that I have a cyst the size

of a golf-ball in my brain. They said it's been there since 2006 (approx.)

In addition, I have a large incision from 2 brain operations I had about 20 years

ago. The strange part is, the incision started hurting pretty bad around the same

time they found the cyst. The left side of my head is completely numb.

The neurologists say the two issues are not related. I don't believe them.

I think they do have something to do with each other. What pisses me off is, the

bullshit medication they're giving me for pain. Ibuprofen. It's like candy.

It doesn't help at all. John, my case-manager, supposedly talked to the neurologist

and has gotten them to prescribe a stronger med. We'll see.

Anyway, they are talking a brain operation to take care of the cyst.

I'm not looking forward to it. I hope they don't screw up my brain

more so than it already is. Again, we'll see.

Moving on. I have been diagnosed with COPD. My breathing is shot.

I'm still smoking, which isn't helping. Obviously. I use two different inhalers,

and I use a nebulizer. Going up stairs is a major issue. I have to stop and breathe

with each flight of stairs I have to go up. I live in the third floor, so getting things

like groceries and stuff it has become a major challenge. Also, walking long

distances is major task. Three days a week I have to go to the mental health

clinic, and I have walk there. I have to stop and breathe every mile. Sucks.

Then there's the psychological end of things. I've been diagnosed with PTSD,

and a host of other things I can't even pronounce. The people at Manchester

Mental Health have me on a host of meds. Happy pills, some would call them.

They work, to a point. What sucks is, they have me addicted to them.

When I don't take them, I go through withdrawals, and I get crazy thoughts.

It all comes to the fact that I have seen things you can't even think about.

All in all, I blame the filthy whore I call my mother.

Anyway...

Lastly, is my vision. I am legally blind. My vision has gotten so bad, the

last eye-doctor I saw told me I cannot drive a car again, for the rest of my life.

It's that bad. When I'm not wearing my glasses, everything is blurred. Can read nothing.

My father was right. Your eyes are the second thing to go. Heh...

Well, that's that about my health. It's declining and I'm dying slowly.

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9/14/2013

Went to the mental health clinic for my daily happy pills. I hate having to go to the clinic

three times. It's a pain in the ass to have to walk back and forth. At least, there's Bill Ramsay. He's a good guy. Older gentleman and he parties, which is night. He bought me

a Dunkin Donuts coffee today which was nice. Nevertheless there are a bunch of

fuckin' losers who congregate at the clinic on Fridays. *sighs* Oh well

When you get to the clinic, and you're there to get meds, you're supposedly

to get a number. There's an unwritten rule: Those who come to the clinic first, they

are the ones who get the lowest number. So, needless to say, I come to the clinic

early. The clinic doesn't open until 8am, but I'm usually there around 6:30am, So

I can get the number one. However, on Friday's, there's this guy named Keith, and

he usually offers a dollar to get number one. I accepted it today, so I could get a

berry punch drink. That meant I got number two. The SUCK thing is, Sheryl

(the nurse) ended up taking in 2 fucking losers who CLAIM to have a job and need

to be seen first.

I want to rip their throats out with my bare hands. Especially this fucking loser named

Jonathan. He has no job, but keeps telling Sheryl that he does, and gets to be

seen first. Aggravates the hell out of me.

Anyway...

John, my case-manager, is mad at me. He's mad at me because I had him cancel

a doctor appointment for Monday. The appointment was to drive all the way up to

Lebanon N.H. - to get seen at Dartmouth/Hitchcock hospital. It's to have them to be seen

for my cyst in my brain and to talk with the "Options". I just didn't want to deal with it.

So I had John cancel the appointment. I'll deal with it down the road. When I care.

Something else that's pissing me off is, the fact that I have 3 tanks of oxygen and

a home-based oxygen machine. Months ago I went to the hospital because I had

the pneumonia. While I was there my oxygen level was low. So they had me on

breathing machines. The doctor that was seeing me wanted me to have constant

oxygen. So they ordered all kinds of oxygen machines to be delivered to my room.

Well, my oxygen level got better, and I called the company that delivered the oxygen

machines to have them come and pick that stuff up. The assholes told me they needed

the release paperwork from the hospital. That was months ago. John CLAIMS he had

my PCP doctor contact the oxygen company but they still haven't come to pick up

that stuff. Its been sitting here in my room for months, and it's pissing me off.

John drops the ball once again. I swear, I think John has memory loss for some reason.

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2:28pm

I sit, as the walls close in on me more. The temperature is nice at least.

It's like 68 degrees and dry. The coldness sends the bed-bugs away. I've slept like

3 times for an hour each time. Now I'm playing solitaire and sipping coffee.

Wishing death upon my whore mother. From what I understand, the whore is up here

with the little cunt Jessica. They are pathetic. They deserve to be beaten with a bat.

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2:06am

Up in the middle of the night as usual. Sipping coffee. Afraid that if I go to sleep,

I will piss in the bed when I go to sleep. Fucking sucks. Anyway, it's a nice

temperature of 52-degrees. It's keeping the bed-bugs to a minimum.

I'm starving. I wish I had a large steak and cheese sub and a big order of fries.

I could deal with those right now. Unfortunately, I won't be able to get that stuff

for a few weeks. I've had pasta for the last 2 days, and I'll have pasta again tomorrow.

Pasta with no sauce if tasteless, but it's something to eat. I refuse to go to the

homeless shelter. They run it like a nazi death camp. Especially Caroline.

She's an evil cunt. She needs to be beaten by 3 pipe-hitting niggers.

Speaking of niggers... I hate niggers. They are a stain of shit in the world today.

The American family LOVES niggers so much. They glorify them and put them on

a pedestal. It's pathetic. The have "Black History Month" every year, and the white

people try to have "White History Month" and they are arrested for a hate crime.

It's a double-standard of racism. The government is hell bent on erasing the original

white man. Just like how Hitler eliminated the Jews, the government is eliminating the

white man.

I believe in White Power, and call me a skin-head if you want, I don't give a fuck.

I like NASCAR. I like country music. I like blond-hair/blue-eyed white American women.

That's my views, and I'm sticking to it.

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9/16/2013

5:25am

Sipping coffee, getting ready to head to the mental health clinic for today's batch

of medications. I woke up at 3am... Couldn't sleep, but I did get a few hours sleep.

Thank goodness.

The temperature is nice. It's 56 degrees at the Manchester airport. However, the country

music radio station is saying that there's scattered rain showers. I hope I don't get

pissed on this morning.

By the way, Jesus is wonderful. I love him so much. Did I mention that earlier?

6:26pm

Fuck... I wish I had some pot. It's been a half a year since I've smoked pot.

I've smoked spice recently, you get high off it for a short period of time, but it's not

the same as pot.

I have pain in my head. I don't know if it's the cyst on the brain, or if it's just a regular

headache. Who knows. I kinda feel bad I didn't make that appointment at Dartmouth

hospital for the tests they had for me. Oh well. What can I do. What sucks is, I didn't

get my "Meals for wheels" today. I certainly hope I get my meals tomorrow, because I'm

out of food. As usual.

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9/17/2013

3:02am

Well, the scumbag that hassles me for coffee and cigarettes actually came through with

a dollar and a batch of coffee. I was surprised, because he's a freaking scumbag.

He still owes me another dollar, let's see if he comes through with that.

I'm not gonna hold my breath.

6:05am

Still up.... Playing solitaire. I stopped drinking coffee, because I was getting wired out.

Today's my off-day to go to the clinic. I so get to sit here and loathe. Should be

interesting to see if John (case-manager) is gonna pick me up for coffee and hopefully

a bagel and cream-cheese. That would be nice. The problem is, John is unpredictable.

He comes and goes randomly. Also, he prioritizes me low on the totem pole.

Pisses me off, but I can't do anything about it.

7:18am

I'm starving, and I have nothing to eat. Nice fuckin life. Just played solitaire for hours.

I can only take so much. I'm gonna go lay down and listen to the country music radio

station. Nothing else to do. I have a dollar, and want to get a Fuze Berry Punch, but

I don't feel like taking the trek in the cold temperature.

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9/19/2013

2:47am

Unreal... There's like two-dozen wireless networks available, and there's like

five unsecured connections, and I can't connect to any of them. Anyway...

It's the middle of the night, and I can't sleep. The meds aren't working, obviously.

Got to find a way to get to sleep and stay asleep. Maybe, the next time I meet with

doctor Corrella, I'll have her up the dosage of my nightly Trazedone. Not sure the

current dosage. We'll see.

The coffee, the black woman of pain, is brewing.

3:30am

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Now I have a cup of coffee, taunting me, mocking me, beating me. Forcing me to

like it. The black woman of pain is a 7-foot beetle - with long arms and diamond

sharp needles for fingers. Each time I brew a pot of coffee, she comes out, and

loathes over me. Poking me, and 9 times out of 10, it draws blood. Coffee is a

wonderful thing. I put into a cup about 60% of coffee and 40% sugar and half and half

cream. A lot of the time, when I'm out of cream, I drink coffee with just sugar. It's not

as good as having cream, but it does ok. When I'm out of both cream and sugar, I

can't drink coffee. I DO drink coffee with nothing but black coffee, but it really sucks.

Either way, she comes out when I drink coffee. I've tried hiding from her, I've tried

reasoning with her, neither worked out. She's smart. She knows how to cause me much

pain and anxiety.

Speaking of anxiety.... I got 2 packs of smokes left. I got to quit smoking. The problem

is, it's SO fucking hard to quit. I've tried to quit many times. Tried cold turkey,

tried with Chantix, and tried with the patch. No deal. I am going to try quitting cold

turkey again when I'm out of smokes. It's going to be hard, and I'll be a mental mess.

However, I have to try.... I have to quit. My breathing is a mess, and I'm always hacking

my breath out, and I keep coughing up multiple colored flem.

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9/20/2013

1:06pm

Well, John hooked up with me. We went to Dunkin Donuts, and I got a caramel coffee

and an onion bagel with cream cheese. It was good. Now I'm just waking up from

a couple 1 hour naps. Sipping my coffee. I'm surprised the building scumbag hasn't come

trying to hit me up for coffee. I hope he gives me the two dollars he owes me. Need to get

food for tomorrow and Sunday. I ate my meals last night. I was starving.

I don't know how I was able to get some naps. The bed-bugs are bad today. It's the

fucking temperature. It's 78 degrees in fucking September. Unreal.

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9/24/2013

3:35pm

John and I hooked up again. There was a nigger new at the cash register at DD's.

He was slower than molasses. Someone should hang the nigger. Anyway.

I think John got me sick. I've started to hack my brains out, and my sinus's are acting up.

I certainly hope this doesn't come to the point of having to go to the hospital.

I just hope, God willing, I get my check next week.

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9/26/2013

4:33am

I'm up. Can't sleep. As usual. Drinking some of my last pot of coffee. I'll go through

coffee withdrawals for the next few days. I pray to GOD that I get my check next week.

It's the hard times. No food. No soda. No nothing. I hate this. What pisses me off is,

my asshole mother knows I'm living on a shoe-string budget, and refuses to help me out.

She needs to be bitch-slapped. Same with my CUNT daughter. She needs a few good

punches in the face.

The meteorologists have their head stuck up their ass. They lie like a Persian rug on the

floor. They said it was going to be in the mid-forties. It's 58 degrees right now. The

bed-bugs are kinda bad today. I despise those fucking bugs. I wish Bo would hurry up

and swap out my bed.

I'm fading in and out of sleepiness. The coffee hasn't kicked in.

By the way, yesterday John hooked me up with good food. He got me a large steak

and cheese sub and an order of steak fries. It was awesome. The only thing is, I will

have to pay him back when I, God willing, get my check. Not that worried about it. Just

happy I had some real food for a change. The 'Meals on wheels' food is good, but it's just

not enough. I wish they served larger portions. I only get to eat once a day. I eat when it

shows up, around 11:30am. By the time the end of the day rolls around, I'm hungry again.

So I usually go to bed hungry, and no one gives a fuck. Especially Phil Adams. He

doesn't care. His wife was gonna get me some groceries a month or so ago, and she just

avoided me. I know she told Phil about getting me groceries, and I know he told her not

to do it. It sucks, because Phil is financially stable. He has the money to get me food. He's

just NOT doing it. Unbelievable.

It's now 5am. Time to turn on the boom-box and tune in to the country music channel.

Listen to the lying meteorologists tell their banter, and listen to the 'Morning Crew'.

9:04am

Took my morning meds. Had to take them with water. Fucking disgusting. I can't

wait till I, God willing, get my check so I can get some soda. I hate being broke all the

time. It really sucks.

I can't wait till I get my 'Meals for wheels' delivery. Then I'll have some milk to put in

my coffee. I prefer half and half cream, but milk makes do. My stomach is rumbling.

It will be nice to eat. I have to not eat all the meals, so I have food for the weekend.

I just get so fucking hungry.

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9/27/2013

3:46pm

Well, I fucked up again. I ate all the meals last night. I got so damn hungry though.

Now I have nothing for food for the weekend. I'll probably have to go to the nazi

concentration camp homeless shelter for food. I hate going there because they're such

fucking assholes there.

I'm listening to the country music channel, and they play an endless amount of

commercials for food stores. It's like torture. I hear all this food they talk about and

I sit here going hungry.

I'm sitting here waiting for John to show up. He's supposed to bring me a couple of

my meds. Soma, a muscle relaxer, and Visterel a anti-anxiety med. It's like rolling dice

I don't know if he's gonna come through or not.

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9/29/2013

2:23am

Just woke up again. I slept from 10pm to 12am and then 12:30am to 2:20am. My

sleeping is so fucked up. I'm absolutely starving. The asshole scumbag borrowed my

key for 4 hours, so I couldn't make it to the shelter for dinner. I was rip shit pissed off.

It's the last time I lend him my key. Mainly, he's shut off of everything. I have to

stand my ground, and make sure he doesn't get anything. He's such a bullshitter it ain't

funny.

9:55pm

Well my day ended on a good note. My dear close friend Earl stopped by. Him, his

girlfriend, and his daughter stopped at KC's Rib Shack. When he came to see me, he gave

me a bunch of the left-overs from KC's. Cole slaw, rice, beans, steak tips, chicken, ribs.

It was awesome. It couldn't have been a better present at the time. I was starving.

I hadn't eaten in 2 days. Also, Earl gave me twenty bucks - which helped tremendously.

It was nice to get some soda down my throat, and was able to get some food.

Picked up a couple bags of potato chips, some Combo's, a box of chicken wings,

6 Pepsi's, and a couple cheese Danish's for the morning. Thanks Earl... I love you as

my brother.

In addition, I was pretty surprised that the building scumbag came over and gave me

a batch of instant coffee. I was surprised he gave me anything. At least now I have some

coffee in the morning.

I have a feeling my sleeping is gonna be fucked tonight. Usually I'm asleep by now when

I watch 'V for Vendetta'. I stayed awake through the whole thing. That usually means

I'll be up for the night. It might have to do with Diabetes - but who knows. All I know is,

I'll be telling John that I'm still sick, and will have him bring me my meds instead of

taking that pain in the ass walk to the clinic. Maybe I'll try taking the walk on

Wednesday. Depending on how I feel, and how much sleep I get.

Well, it's now 11:02pm, and I'm wide awake. I just finished another 16oz Pepsi.

It was awesome. Now I only have 2 left. I have to control myself and try to save them

for tomorrow. It's hard, because I love soda so much. So what I'm doing is making

some hot water in the coffee machine, so I can make some instant coffee. It will pretty

much guarantee that I'll be awake all night, but oh well. I'll try and get some one hour

power naps tomorrow. I'll have to stay awake till 11am or so, because that's when the

'Meals on wheels' guy will come. I hope they bring an apple in the delivery package.

I'm always in the mood for a cold apple.

Wow, this instant coffee is fucking strong. I made the mistake and put in two tablespoons

of coffee rather than one. It's not that bad though. It's better than the hot water and sweet

and low I've been drinking since I ran out of coffee. I wish I had some half and half

cream, but oh well. At least I have sugar. Sugar takes the edge off of coffee.

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Well folks, I'm going to close this chapter/document. Whatever you wanna call it.

It's time to start a new chapter. Not sure what I'll write for this one. It's not that I don't

have any content, I have plenty to post. It's deciding what I want to do next.

One thing I know, is that I need to be able to publish the MSWord documents that

I have that need to be put on my website. Not having internet access is really killing

me. Wish I could find a wireless router that would let me get online. It's pisses me off

because there are at LEAST a dozen wireless routers within 500 yards that I computer

sees and cannot connect to any of them. There's even like 3 routers that are unsecured

and I still can't connect. Anyway, it's time to go. See you in the next chapter, and

thanks for reading (and putting up with my rants) my documents.

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