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 Contains EggIssue 2 - April 2020The Velvet IssueTable of ContentsThe Velvet Issue, presented to you by Contains Egg, features:Really You Wrote A Second IssueLike Come On Guys This Is A Waste Of PaperHonestly Please Stop ReadingYou’re Still Reading, After I Specifically Asked You To StopYou Passed The Test, You’ve Read This FarThe Test Was The Idiot TestOh Come On Don’t CryI Barely Said AnythingWhat Did I SayI Was KiddingI Promise I Was KiddingPlease Just Keep ReadingI Tricked You Again You Are So Easy To TrickOh That’s Very Mature To SayHey No YouOh Yeah Walk AwayWalk AwayA Quick Word From Your Friend, FlipHey there, champ, it’s Flip. Flip Wilkins, editor and creator and cover model for Contains Egg. You don’t remember me? I was naked during the Starlight Brunch? Ah, yeah, you do remember. In case you haven’t noticed, the universe is exploding a little bit right now, with a lot of bad, not funny, not eggy stuff going on in the world. Rest assured, the silly idiots at CE will not stop brining you hilarity, whimsy, and sex appeal. We are actually legally prohibited from stopping, so yeah. Good luck keeping up with all the yolky goodness we have prepared for you in this issue, and future issues. Stay safe, stay hungry, and as always, support your local egg washing facility in these hard times.POLITICAL INTRIGUENicaraguan Government Replaced With Muppet DictatorshipApril 1st, 2992 is a dark date for democracy, a day that will live in infamy. After nearly a hundred years of economic instability, Nicaragua has plunged into civil war with north Nicaragua and south Nicaragua fueled by rival global superpowers. During these turbulent times popular president Francisco Amante del Burro has been violently overthrown and replaced by a dictator from southern Nicaragua. Though history is full of global powers installing puppet dictators in foreign countries, Nicaragua was still shaken by their new leader.Families knew Fozzie Bear as a whimsical comedian and a member of The Muppet Show, but his rise to power in Nicaragua was anything but funny. His brutal control of Managua included excessive, and expressive, use of tear gas and riot teams beating civilians. “These days may seem dark,” said Supreme Leader Fozzworth, “but this is what is necessary to keep our country safe. The war is over. Let peace reign.” When pressed for further statement, Fozzie beat a Contains Egg reporter with a dead fish.“This is not the Fozzie I know and love,” said Kermit the Frog in a tearful Instagram video. “It’s awful. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. We need U.S. intervention now for the situation in Nicaragua.” This narration played over classic clips of Kermit and Fozzie on The Muppet Show, including a musical number about the joys of rainbows. Eerily, Fozzie’s verse is an operatic part about the benefits of a communist state. Citizens lined the streets of Managua in strict rows, all saluting the Grand Bear from his balcony overlooking Wacka Square. “Wacka Wacka!” they cried in unison, hailing Fozzworth. The bear smiled and waved, but there was fire behind his eyes. Eight days later, everyone in that crowd was executed for low crimes and misdemeanors. “Aaaaaghhaahahaggh!” said Nicaraguan Secretary of War, Animal, when pressed for a statement. He then threw both of his drumsticks at our cameras, vomited on the floor, and snorted cocaine.“Never did I think both of my fields would overlap,” said political theorist and Muppet historian David E. Killian, PhD. “But here we are.” Dr. Killian observed that Fozzie Bear’s rise to power could have been foreseen and stopped if the government had heeded the warnings in Fozzworth’s memoirs, Mein Frosch. Written in German for some reason, Fozzie details his frustration with being second-in-command to Kermit, and being held back by the emotional abuse of Statler and Waldorf. When the elderly duo passed away under suspicious circumstances involving a broomstick and a suicide note, it was only a matter of time before Fozzie Bear became the Nicaraguan dictator we all know and fear."What The Fuck Are You Guys Doing Here?", Poland Says to Other Eastern European CountriesIn an uncharacteristically vulgar statement issued on Facebook Live this morning, President Pierdzi Psa of Poland asked for the reasoning behind the existence of other Eastern European countries. Specifically targeted in the post were the governments of Lithuania, Belarus, Ukraine, and “kind of Romania.”In the video, the president, who appeared in a state of concerned disarray, loudly wondered why he had not been informed of the placement of these countries near Poland. “I’ve got everything south of us down,” he said, in Polish (duh). “Czechia, Slovakia, got those two. Hungary? Boom, got it. But today, my mom mentioned Romania, and I was like ‘oh yeah, Romania! Cool.’ But then she started reminding me of everything between Romania and Latvia. And of course I know Latvia, Kristaps Porzingis is from there, and he’s dope. But everybody from Latvia to Romania, and kind of Romania, and maybe even Bulgaria: what the fuck are you guys doing here?”Later on in the clip, President Psa mentions that he was “vaguely aware” that there was “some space between us and Russia,” but was astonished when he was informed by an off-screen aide that the space was filled by at least half a dozen countries, each with millions of residents. “What? Why?” the president asked. “What do you mean, ‘that’s just where they live?’” The incredulous president sat defeated in his chair, exasperated and concerned. He ended the interview by stating, “Well, I sure hope those guys and Russia never get into any conflicts.”10096501857375Biden and Trump To Have Early Debate Through Super Smash Bros.With Bernie Sanders having dropped like a dunk tank victim from the presidential race, it is now clear that Joe Biden will represent the Democrats in the 2020 presidential war against the big blonde orange rotting in the Oval Office. But a small wrinkle in the traditional election cycle has occurred, with the COVID-19 crisis preventing large gatherings, enforcing social distancing, and prohibiting anyone from going within six feet of either of these incredibly old men. So, with face-to-face debates impossible for now, Joe Biden and Donald Trump have verbally agreed to have an early debate through Super Smash Bros. Ultimate for the Nintendo Switch.“Sleepy Joe wants to fight me, says he could beat me up - which is WRONG! - so he challenged me to a Smash Bros fight. America, I am no coward. I EXCEPT [sic],” President Trump tweeted Monday morning. The president refers to a tweet by the former Vice President made the previous evening; “Donald Trump is one of the weakest, worst, most wicked and whimsical willy-nilly whiney-pants I’ve ever laid eyes on,” Biden said. “I challenge him to a three stock, one-on-one fight on the uh, the video thingy, the game, my grandson has it, it’s got the Mario guy.” (VP Biden ran out of space in his tweet after this point).The two politicians will be fighting on the Final Destination map on the third of May, with President Trump playing as King K. Rool - “the handsomest, most thin and scrumptious looking fighter” the president said about K. Rool - and Vice President Biden playing as Mr. Game and Watch. “He’s an old school black guy,” said Biden, who would not elaborate on that comment after a word of advice from his lawyer. Professional gaming analysts (known colloquially as “gamers” to the Democrats and “virgins” to the Republicans) have the president as a slight favorite, with a Trump win resting at -115 on betonshit.. Experts cite the fact that the president’s teenage son Barron Trump may begrudgingly train his father for the match if given $3,000 dollars “just to sit with him.” But a Biden upset would not be out of the question, as some report that the former Vice President played Smash Brawl with President Barack Obama in the early 2010s, though a 2011 article of the Times reported that Biden threw his Wiimote out of the Oval Office with fury after a tirade over the “g-dang flipflapping buttons.” Whether or not Mr. Biden was also the one to have shouted, “You’re freaking cheating, Barry!” during that same time is up for debate.WHEATON WHIMSYPresident Hanno Under Fire After Controversial Remarks (About Pokemon)Wheaton College’s President Dennis M. Hanno, First of His Name and Protector of the Dimple, came under fire last week after his controversial remarks about Pokemon at a Wheaton faculty Zoom meeting. Hanno, a beloved figure in the Wheaton community, is now the subject of several off-campus protests (also held through Zoom meetings) after stating “Charizard is so overrated.”An anonymous member of Wheaton’s faculty recorded their Zoom meeting, using the identity of “Flip’s dad” when contacting Contains Egg, where President Hanno was going over semi-important procedures for Wheaton to support the student body during the Coronavirus pandemic. During a lull in the meeting, while Hanno chatted casually he mentioned playing Pokemon FireRed on his Nintendo GameBoyAdvance SP. “I picked Squirtle,” said Hanno, “the best starter.” When another high-ranking college official mentioned their love for Charmander, Hanno reportedly scoffed. “Charmander? Man, overrated. Overrated. Charizard is so overrated, too.”Outrage almost immediately ensued. The Zoom descended into chaos and President Hanno was heard screaming over the roar of angry nerds who worked for the college. “Mega Charizard doesn’t count! He doesn’t fucking count!” The call ended after 4 hours and 14 minutes, with President Hanno declaring “Nope, you are all nitpicking and biased, I win, goodbye!” before ending the call.“The president is hurting, that much is clear,” said Mrs. Hanno, who insists upon calling her husband ‘the president.’ “He’s such a kind, gentle man, but when he picks up that game he becomes a monster. And not the sexy kind.” Hanno’s PokeRage is well documented; he was later filmed smashing his fist into a wall after dying for the third time to Kanto’s Elite Four. Later that day, the president penned a beautifully sweet email to the entire Wheaton community, expressing his support for them and their families, and promising to do everything he can to help them through the Coronavirus crisis, though his words were undercut by the viral footage of him crying over the pain that punching a wall causes.The president declined to comment on the issue, as no one was willing to approach him and ask him to be quoted for a haha-magazine. The eternal debate between Squirtle and Charmander rages on, uninhibited. The third one, the weird little plant dinosaur, was left out of all arguments on account of being “lame af.”Wheaton College Solves Racism By Putting Up SignsRacism is an unfortunate reality and long standing problem in America. Wheaton College is no exception to this problem; just over the last year there have been at least three cases of anti-semitic instances on campus. But at long last, Wheaton College’s best and brightest put their heads together, and came up with the solution to these heinous instances. SIGNS!Yes, you heard it here first folks, or at least probably saw it a few months ago, that the answer to hate crimes has been the implementation of a policy that has the clever code name of, “I don’t know. I guess we put some signs up in Balfour.” Never before has the United States, or the world for that matter, seen a stronger response to not one, not two, not three, wait, yes, three instances of a hate crime.Although Wheaton’s administration did not give a response to this article, most likely because they did not know about it, we didn’t tell them about it, and we don’t want a response from them, it is important to note that there was no official response in regards to this article.Contains Egg reached out to students across campus to see what they thought of the administration's response to the hate crimes. An anonymous but supremely ugly student commented, “They were fine, I guess. I mean, I didn’t read them.” Other student responses were similar; one prominent student who demanded to be identified as Flip Wilikins said, “I think our school really went in the same direction as MLK, Gandhi, and you know, those other people who fixed racism. I think we really did a good job. Roll Wheat!”Despite these ringing endorsements from the student body in regards to the school’s actions in the face of this hate crime, the signs have since been taken down. Any student unfortunate enough to not stop on the stairs - the perfect place to put signs - has missed them, and unfortunately, must still live in the racist America George Washington semi-accidentally constructed.The question that must be asked now is, what will Wheaton’s response be the next time an instance like this happens? Will we get more signs, or may we even be promoted to having a few posters put around campus, or a mandatory assembly for all of this to sit through? It’s hard to say. Though Wheaton’s campus is officially racism-free after the valiant sign effort, the outside world still threatens to bring in such horrible social constructs (also that virus thing, they might bring that in too).Rejected ArticlesEvery month, before we publish an issue of Contains Egg, we look ourselves in the mirror and say, “why are we doing this?” But after that, we have to make some tough decisions; to save time, cut corners, and conserve paper we won’t print on. The most important decision we make though is on what articles have to be dropped for the forthcoming issue. Here are some of the best of the worst: articles we thought were funny for one line or two, but didn’t deserve to star alongside such critically acclaimed pieces as “Don Draper Goes to the Moon.” (See that in the May issue!) “Black Face is Okay Because I’m Gay” - A Letter from a WOKE ProfessorQuote: I’m part of a marginalized community, so therefore I represent everyone. I Like to lick people’s hands, so what?Quote: Look, there are just too many sexy looking hands in this word to not go licking them. An Expose Of The Economic Policies Of Communist ChinaQuote: I don’t know, bad? Is Denis Hanno An Elf?Quote: Look at those ears! Just look at them! Look at them! 1984 or 2020?: Remote Learning Is Just Big BrotherQuote: My big brother is the worst. He’s always stealing my stuff. Are Frogs Turning Fluoride Gay?Quote: I’m the only one brave enough to say it. Guys, I Like The Electoral CollegeQuote: I mean, how else would George W. Bush have been elected? Ladies, I Love The Electoral CollegeQuote: Perfect date night conversation No One In Dropkick Murphys Can Do A Dropkick (And I’m Sick And Tired of Defending Them)Quote: I had to say it. Just look at them, you know it’s true. You Know That Weird Taste, You Know, That You Taste After You Eat Something, And You’re Like, That’s Not What I Ate, But You Can Still Taste It, And You’re Like, What Is That, And You’re Like I Didn’t Eat You - Yeah ThatQuote: Yeah, you know, it tastes like burnt, but it’s not, and we don’t know why, that’s weird right, like it’s just bad, but you’re like, curious, so you eat more, and you’re like is it the thing I’m eating now or was it something before, and like what, and then it’s just there forever, and you’re like, ugh, gross.REAL ESTATEWelcome to the Real Estate section of Contains Egg, a section of the issue where we would like to feature fan-written articles, submitted by readers and published by us. We say “would like to” because no one’s done it yet, so for now we just have an assortment of articles written by Flip’s younger brother, Pip. If you have any article ideas, don’t hesitate to contact CE at or through email at contains_egg@. Or, if you’re local, just scream at the top of your lungs and Flip will find you. He always does.A Review of Pokemon: Ultra Sun for the Nintendo 3DSWritten and edited by Pip Wilkins Jr.--------------SETTING--------------The Alola region is a tropical island archipelago, a bit like Hoenn and a lot like Hawaii. It features a still-forming Pokemon League, and there are no gyms here. We’ll get to that later, but Alola as a region is a bit underwhelming.There are four major islands, each with a bit of a different aesthetic. All of them blend together a bit, but the last two are definitely the strongest. The aesthetic of the setting is enjoyable, but nothing about it is especially memorable. Overall, it’s a pleasant region, but it lacks the “wow” factor.Ranking: ★★★----------------------------------------------------------STORY AND CHARACTERS (SPOILERS!)----------------------------------------------------------Pokemon has never been a franchise with incredible storylines, nor has it ever had horrible storylines, with the occasional exception for both. Ultra Sun’s storyline is therefore nothing unexpected, but it is good. The standard journey for the characters is there, though in a different form as the island challenge. The most engaging and exciting parts of the story involve the new and exciting Pokemon. This is especially true with the Ultra Beasts, who have a big place in this game and the postgame; the introduction of these strange, extradimensional Pokemon is a welcome inclusion.The villainous team(s) were some of my favorites in a while. Team Skull is frankly hilarious; they resemble modern street gangs and are comically “tough”. A Skull Grunt’s walk cycle includes them doing gang-signs the entire time they swaggily walk towards you. The game acknowledges that the team is less of a super serious, dangerous mob like Team Rocket, nor are they cult-like fanatics like Team Plasma. They’re just street thugs who are trying to make a quick buck. The Aether Foundation are the “true” villains behind it all, a nice twist that isn’t super surprising. It’s nice to get a bit of a shakeup in a Pokemon story, and we get our first female main villain in Lusamine. Their clean, white aesthetic is a nice contrast to their dark intentions.The Ultra Recon Squad are fun, Power Ranger-looking characters that add some extravagance to the story. Everything ULTRA in ULTRA SUN is wonderfully weird, and Pokemon delving more into space and different dimensions is a good direction for the series to go down.Hau is fucking annoying and I don’t like him.Ultra Sun has an incredible postgame.; Episode RR features classic Pokemon villains returning through alternate dimensions like an episode of The Flash. It’s great fan-service, however ridiculous it is.Ranking: ★★★★----------------POKEMON----------------Around 80-90 new Alola Pokemon appear in Ultra Sun, and my biggest takeaway is that I wish there were more. The designs are overall very solid, and I found myself wanting to capture as many newbies as I could. The starters are fine, though Rowlett shines above the other two.A lot of Pokemon really fit Alola; many of them had this tropical theme, really making the archipelago feel lived in by a diverse cast of species. Some of the standouts included Vikavolt, Passimian, Mimikyu, and Wishiwashi. The new Alola forms of previous Pokemon is a fun idea, executed pretty well. Giving Kanto Pokemon a new variation is fun, though if a few other generations were given some love it could have been better. But Game Freak made some beautiful new designs and creatures with what they had.The biggest complaint for Gen VII Pokemon, other than there not being enough, is that not enough of them evolve. Every time I caught an exciting new creature, I was so excited to see how many stages it would have. It was almost always one, or two. There were maybe a handful of three-stage Pokemon, like Vikavolt, and the rest either had one evolution, or none. Perhaps it’s a good problem to have, to love Alolan Pokemon so much that you just want more, but it is a big problem. Thankfully, the Pokemon we got was pretty great.As for legendaries, there isn’t much. The Tapu’s are interesting enough as island deities, Solgaleo is as epic as you’d like, and Necrozma is like the new Giratina (but maybe not as cool). The Ultra Beasts are the best new Pokemon additions in years. They’re weird, they’re from space, and they’re awesome. A big red bug that punches things so hard they explode? Got it. A freaky little Poison/Dragon thing that is apparently a starter Pokemon in Ultra Space? Yeah, okay. A giant monster with a gaping mouth that’s trying to swallow anything and everything in front of it? A Pokemon named Guzzlord? No, that’s too crazy. Sorry, we don’t have that… except we do.Ranking: ★★★★-------------------------------------------GAMEPLAY AND DIFFICULTY-------------------------------------------Ultra Sun is certainly not very hard, but there is enough difficulty here to be satisfied. Overall the difficulty was not an issue, though more challenge would’ve been appreciated.Z-Moves are the big combat draw for Gen VII, “replacing” Mega Evolution as the premiere feature. They’re used in battle when needed, sometimes as finishers, and sometimes just to do a lot of damage. More Mega Evolutions would’ve been a better feature, but Z-Moves are just fine.The other big change for Alola is that the traditional Gym Challenge is gone, as Alola has no Pokemon League. They are replaced by island trials, a more “wild” version of the gyms that involve little minigames and fighting wild Pokemon, including the Totem Pokemon as a big “boss fight”. This is a unique concept that was executed well, though there were some boring parts when you just fought a “big” version of the wild Pokemon you just fought. It gives Alola a uniquely wild feel, that breaks up the regular gym challenge and really makes Alola feel different.Replacing HMs with Ride Pokemon was an interesting decision. Again, it is unique to Alola and gives it a distinct, rough feeling, While the effort and willingness to change and experiment is appreciated, it’s hard to beat the original Pokemon formula. Other features like feeding your Pokemon are fun, but there could have been a better use of having access to every Pokemon’s 3D model. Walking outside of the ball, maybe?Ultra Sun, at the end of the day, plays like a fairly standard Pokemon game. There’s nothing obtrusively weird or bad here, though there also not a ton here that needs to stick around for Gen VIII.Ranking: ★★★---------------------------FINAL THOUGHTS---------------------------Ultra Sun is definitely not my favorite Pokemon game of all time but I was pleasantly surprised during my playthrough. I had a ton of fun with it. Alola is an interesting, diverse, and fun region, though it isn’t the most fleshed-out region in the series. The gameplay leaves some things to be desired, with not enough innovation (for me) and the actual changes being either minor or too different from the “formula” to be worth sticking with. Ultra Sun makes up for these semi-shortcomings with some fantastic new Pokemon and Pokemon forms, a lot of fun and interesting characters, and a superb postgame. The storyline is easy to follow and fun to play through. Ultra Sun is an ambitious and exciting entry in the series. I would personally place it in my top five games (though it is probably fifth). If I could use one word to describe it, Ultra Sun is just straight up FUN. I don’t know if I conveyed it enough in the above review, but I love Pokemon as a series and have fun pretty easily no matter the game. Ultra Sun did very little to take me out of that fun atmosphere, and tried a lot of new things to make me feel the fun even more.Final Ranking: ★★★★Column: A Series Of Motivational Quotes, Submitted By Readers“Hey, you know what they say, it really can get worse.”“There’s always another hill to fall down.”“There’s always another fish in the sea, the problem is that we are humans, not fish.”“I’d rather be a micro-pig than bacon.”“If at first you don’t succeed, you’re probably a loser.”“You know, it’s like starting your own comedy magazine, and then having the school close before you can publish, these things happen everyday.”“Always reach for the stars, and if you can hold one in your hand it was probably just a lightbulb.”“The world is like coffee, grown in Peru.”“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask yourself, where am I? Who is this? Why are there so many people in front of me? Am I giving a speech? Am I President?”Dear MaryA lovesick Contains Egg reader sent in this poem, pining for his campus crushI am adrift in the sea of unrequited loveStranded without direction or hope of successI sit in a small raft and hope for a gentle wind towards salvation, or destructionAny ending to this misery would be welcomeMy love for you is like a golden windEnduring and ever present yet unknown to your eyesYou lie in the sun as light shines through your beautyAnd I am long suffering in a storm of rain and lonelinessMary, you and I are like roses binded together at the stemBut I can only see you through this strange electric glassYour island of paradise is just beyond the reach of my vesselThough my eyes hungrily gaze upon you from my shipwrecked spotYou are like summer silver, a love that I can never haveWhen this evil plague has run its courseAnd we return to the land of wheat we once lovedI vow to give you my heart unabashedlyMary I love you, without fear or shame do I say thisI pray that you are safe in these times of strifeLook out over that ocean of sorrow that surrounds youAnd see me, waving a white flag of surrenderYours, dreamily,PhillipDear Mary (1st Draft)A recently discovered, handwritten version of the previous poemMary,Please text me back. What the fuck?I am so nice to you. I say hi to you everyday in Bio. Every day.And you haven’t sent me anything!C’mon! I texted you twice yesterday.“Good morning! :-)”“Hey beautiful, how’s your day going?”Nothing! No response.Yeah I get itYou “have a boyfriend”You “have coronavirus”You “don’t know my name”But stop lying to yourself MaryI drive an AcuraThat’s a quality carDate mePlease date meYou’re so hotMaryPleaseText Me BackPhil (from Bio)Column: Friend WantedWheaton College’s best known tradition is the monthly publication of a humor magazine, Contains Egg. But do the plebeians that fill Wheaton’s campus really know what the gooey red beating heart of these haha pages? The answer is a definitive no. The center of this laughtastic rag is Flip Wilkins. What is also important to know is that Flip Wilkins is lonely. Very, very, very lonely, and the rest of the Contains Egg staff is sick, and tired of having to hang out with him all the time. We are simply at the end of our rope, so the Contains Egg staff is asking you, our loyal readers to be Flip’s friend.Needed Qualifications to be Flip’s friend:Willing to read Contains EggWilling to lie to me and say that Contains Egg is funnyKind eyesAt least five foot sixKnows at least nine German wordsIs lonelyNot too lonelyWeak wristsImpressive ThighsHas a disdain for Jazz musicPlays Jazz trumpet but WILL NOT TALK ABOUT ITWill watch whatever movie Flip wants, (It will be the Devil Wears Prada)Willing to gossip about the rest of the staff of Contains EggIf you fit any of these qualifications, or even none of them, please apply to be Flip’s friend. Send all resumes, cover letters, headshots, letters of recommendation, and letters of reference to contains_egg@.Interview with a Racist Who Won An Oscar Once (Except He Didn’t)Just this past week Contains Egg’s very own Flip Wilkins sat down with famed director Sebastian St. Sebastian Johnan von Bismark Reginald Charles Armais de Le Voueax, or as his friends know, Greg. FW: Hello Greg. Thank you for taking the time to sit down with me.G: Oh it was no problem. There is hardly any work for me anymore.FW: You’ve directed a lot of famous plays and movies, but for those of us who don’t know anything about you, or who you are, can you name a few of them for us?G: Of course. I directed the all-white version of The Wiz, the all white version of Porgy and Bess, and the all white version of Boyz in the Hood starring Michael Cera. The critics panned us, but we have a dedicated group of fans that we know aren’t going anywhere.FW: Why is that?G: They are in prison for hate crimes. What else would they be doing besides watching my movies?FW: Interesting. So tell me, how did you get into the movie industry?G: Well as a boy I always wanted to be part of the Navy, but I was deemed “Too Excited To Be There.” It’s sort of like Captain America but the opposite.FW: I didn’t know that was something that could happen.G: It isn’t.FW: So do you have any plans for future upcoming projects?G: Well there is a project I’ve been wanting to work on for some time. It would be a comedy where a little boy has an imaginary friend, and that imaginary is, wait for it, Hitler!At this time Flip Wilkins told Greg about the existence of the movie “JoJo Rabbit”. On hearing this news Greg went off the record and proceeded to go on a long tirade about things that contained a lot more than egg.G: -and that’s why they aren’t allowed on my property!FW: Mr. Voueax, they’re children. Could you please just tell us about your Oscar winning film Crash? You won Best Picture in 2005. How did you go from that to making films for white supremacists in prison?G: Crash? Oh, no, I hate that movie. I made a movie called Crashed, about how I blame the stock market crashing in the ‘20s on minorities.FW: Wait, so you aren’t an Oscar winning director? You’re just a horrible racist?G: I sure am!Flip Wilkins cut the interview short by shooting Greg several times in the chest.FW: Jesus! Alright, Janet, get the van. I need a barrel of acid and the van. We’re headed to Toledo. [looks into nonexistent camera] Tune in next week, folks!You didn’t read this interview.You Stole My Life, Weird Al Yankovic, You Goddamn Son of a BitchYou ever wondered what it’s like for a six-foot noodle-haired accordion-playing sex god to storm right into existence and steal your life? I know the feeling all too damn well. “Weird Al” Yankovic is nothing more than a fraud, soiling the seeds planted by the seedy reputation of my good, weird, seedy name. You see, there was a glorious time, a peaceful time (a time of peace, some would say) in which there was only one “Weird Al” in existence, and it was me. Everyone in the neighborhood would see me about and say very affectionate things like “Hey Weird Al, put away that IV and quit trying to steal my blood!” and “Weird Al, put down the paintball gun, this is a Whole Foods and I don’t know how to tell you that you can’t kill Hitler, he’s already been dead for a long time.” One could even say I was the talk of the town (specifically the Petsmart on Oak Street, I can’t go back there and act like I don’t know where all the ferrets disappeared to). The words “Weird Al” belonged to me and me alone, and all was right in the world (aside from that John Lemon guy going into retirement, it’s a shame he still refuses to perform to this day). But suddenly, one day, there was a cosmic shift, and my life went from a living hell to something even worse: a living hell (the BAD kind). Everywhere I went, I heard that little dweeb’s angelic voice singing comedic parodies of popular songs, and all those people who had previously called me “Weird Al” started assigning the name to this little celery bitch boy with his stupid beautiful hair that I totally don’t wish I had. I went from “Weird Al” to just “Al” in a week’s time, and hearing the neighborhood (still very lovingly) say things like “Al, you’re not allowed back in this zoo, we know what you said to that dolphin last time and it’s been trying to kill itself ever since” just didn’t feel as heartwarming anymore. So, Mister Alfred B. Yankovic (the “B” stands for “Bitchass”), I challenge you to a duel tomorrow behind the CVS near my house for the right to use the name “Weird Al” once and for all. The loser has to take my place in court to explain what happened to the ferrets (and also probably dies in the fight). Bring only your fists. And a gun in those fists.You have ten days.Sincerely, Weird Al (THE ONE AND ONLY)Dear Flip: Letters to the EditorHere, at the end of our lives together, is the section that always closes out an issue of Contains Egg: the letters to the editor. Faithful and pious readers of CE have mailed, e-mailed, and x-mailed their questions to Flip Wilkins, the man behind the malaria. Here are the best few, with Flip’s handwritten responses. (NOTE: This page has been marinating in hand sanitizer for two weeks, so if that means anything to you… there you go.)Dear Flip, what did you think of Tiger King?Dear Reader, I enjoyed the documentary but was sad to hear that they cut out my scene with Joe Exotic. Joe and I met in the final days of 2009 and were almost husbands, but then I remembered I was about ten years old at the time and wasn’t gay, so I left Oklahoma to begin a comedy career in Northern Texas. I didn’t have a large role in Joe’s life, but I would’ve thought they’d include the footage of him paying me $300 in Monopoly money to kill Carole Baskins (which I did not do, not for a lack of trying).Hey Flip, you talked about your workout routine last issue, but do you have any chest exercises? What’s your upper body workout look like?Dear Reader, I like to wake up every morning - not the easiest thing in the world, but I like to do it. Around 3pm I like to start my bench presses, using around 3-4 horses. I can do 5 horses if I ate an egg that morning, but I’m allergic to eggs so I only like to eat them on Fridays. Thanks for writing in, Mom.Flip, what’s wrong with you?Dad, I didn’t know you read these!Hey Flip, what’s your favorite book?James Clavell’s Shogun is the most beautiful and captivating piece of literature I’ve ever held in my hands. I read it cover-to-cover and immediately had to start over and read it fully again. It’s a ceaseless display of Clavell’s writing power and genius. It’s simply breathtaking.Hey Flip, what’s your favorite YouTube video?Top Ten Anime Farts!Dear Flip, what is love?Love is when you can walk into a room completely covered in hot sauce, and the other person in the room doesn’t shoot you in the chest. That’s love, baby.What are your thoughts on the current state of life in a COVID-19 world?As serious as this pandemic is, it has created some funny scenarios. For example, my girlfriend Janet left me for a sprinter named Brad. How do you leave someone during a stay-at-home order? Now THAT’S funny.Have you ever sneezed so hard you passed out? Asking for a friend.No, but I have pooped so hard my anal muscles tore and I was in the hospital for three days. You had to be there, it was hilarious.If Trump wins in November, what will you do?The president of America has no power over me, a citizen of the United States. It is my constitutional right to own a billion guns, and I will use every single one of them if Donny Boy even thinks of installing martial law on the Wheaton College campus. Yes, it is currently empty, and yes, Trump has no idea who I am or what I do, but when he finds out, boy, I tell you. It’s gonna be Starburst Sunday all over again.Dear Flip, where’s Waldo?Take a left at Joe’s house, a U-turn near Updog, just past Bofa’s place and right up your Momma’s butt.Dear Flip, are you healthy?Yes! Thank you for asking. I’m happy and healthy, and I hope you are too. Except Pete Schraebl in Minnesota. He told me the Red Sox suck, and my mom works for them, so legally I have to hate him. Hope you’re sickly and miserable, Pete. Hey Flip, it’s Pete from Minnesota. I just recovered from coronavirus and was hoping for some well wishes from my favorite comedy magazine. Can I get a shoutout?… Okay, fine. Good job, Pete, glad you’re okay. Now go fuck yourself.Have a question for Flip Wilkins? So do I. We need to email him at contains_egg@ or message him on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter and maybe we’ll get featured in the next issue of Contains Egg. And by we, I mean you. And by you, I mean me. And in this scenario, “me” refers to Flip Wilkins, OBE. ................
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