Understanding Ourselves and Our Relationships

786

Chapter 9: Understanding Ourselves and Our Relationships

Introduction

788

Theories of personality

789

o Ancient theories about types--Enneagram

789

o Modern theories--Myers-Briggs and Jungian Types

792

o Other personality types

795

Understanding the parts of our personality

797

o Parts: Child (id), Parent (superego), Adult (ego)

797

o Keeping the parts in balance

801

o Other parts and motives--Jung, Adler, Allport

803

Theories of development: becoming a person 805

o Table 9.1: Stages of life

807

Personality involves relationships with self and with others

809

o Transactional Analysis and Life Positions

810

o Life Scripts

810

o The notion of human needs

814

Psychiatric Diagnoses

o Psychoses o Adjustment Disorders o Personality Problems

Traits of a mature, self-actualizing person

814

Self-understanding can come in many ways

816

o Getting to know your inner child

817

o Let the parts of your personality speak for themselves

817

o Reading for self-understanding: Bibliotherapy

818

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Relationships with others

821

o Why are relationships with others important?

821

o Why are so many relationships unhappy?

o The "games" we play with others

822

? Put downs of others

822

? Put downs of one's self

825

? Ego-boosting

826

? Summary and how to stop game-playing

828

o Other self-deceptions: excuses and self-handicapping

830

o People cause our problems and provide relief

833

? Sources of help: Friends, family, self-help groups, therapists

Relationships within the Family 834

o The family

834

o Child-care--useful references (and a little history)

835

o Problems within the family (Satir)

839

o Increased child-care role for fathers

841

o How psychological problems begin (parent blaming?)

843

o The causes and results of alcoholism and abuse

845

? Alcoholism, neglect, and abuse

845

? Do abused kids become abusing parents?

846

? Child sexual abuse, incest

846

? Websites about sexual abuse

847

o Effects of traumatic early experiences and poor parenting

852

? Table 9.2: Possible outcomes of harmful experiences 846

Common interpersonal problems and needed skills

860

o Fear of approaching someone

860

o Handling the first few minutes

861

o Becoming a good conversationalist

861

o People addicts and people haters

864

o Self-disclosure and self-acceptance

865

o Misunderstandings--checking out your hunches

866

o Empathy responding

867

Sustaining long-term relationships

868

o Why can't we communicate?

869

o Being "taken for granted"

869

o Resolving conflicts

870

o Control of and by others

871

788

o Unconscious controlling of others

872

o How to handle difficult people

873

o Driving each other crazy

875

Competition and feeling superior to others

876

o Gender differences in values, purposes, and orientation

876

? Competition vs. cooperation (values)

878

? Early developmental differences between boys and girls 879

? Male aggression and female loss of self-esteem

879

? Gender differences in conversation

881

? Women's ways of knowing

882

o Society establishes gender roles for men and women

883

? Gender roles for women

884

? Gender roles for men

887

? More male-female differences

889

? Learning our gender roles

890

? Misunderstandings between men and women about roles 891

o Chauvinism

894

? Chauvinism as a nation

894

? Chauvinism as parents and in child care

895

? Chauvinism in schools

897

? Chauvinism at work

897

Selected references for understanding relationships

899

Introduction

The chapter starts with several general descriptions of human personality and its development. Then relationships are discussed, including "games" we play, family relationships, and the long-term effects of childhood experiences. The chapter ends with a review of common interpersonal problems, the difficulties we have keeping relationships together, and the continuing conflicts between men and women (love and sex are in the next chapter).

Understanding ourselves probably aids self-acceptance, selfcontrol, and good relationships. But self-understanding only comes from interacting with others; we know ourselves in comparison to others. So, the two--self-awareness and insight into relationships-develop together. Indeed, we have a relationship with ourselves as well as with others. Jo Courdet in Advice from a Failure observes: "Of all the people you will know in a life time, you are the only one you will never lose." This relationship with the "me" inside is crucial; the better we know ourselves, the better we know others, since our perception of

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our own self provides us with our primary means of understanding all other humans.

Thus, this chapter, of necessity, explores both our "personality" and our social interactions. For most people, this is the "crux" of psychology. Of course, we need to know ourselves. But interpersonal relationships are the most important part of living for most of us, i.e. our family relations while growing up, our teenage friends and early loves, our serious romances and marriage(s), our children and grandchildren, our close friends and colleagues, and so on. This is the heart of life--for better or for worse. This chapter reviews information useful in each of those parts of life, and the next chapter deals in greater depth with the most intimate relationships--dating, sex, marriage, and divorce.

Earlier chapters have already dealt with some of the major features of our personalities and our interpersonal relations: values, habits, anxiety, sadness, anger, and dependency. So if you need help deciding what to do with your life or what will raise your self-esteem or what can reduce your prejudice or how to control your stress or anger, see those previous chapters. This chapter focuses more on common, normal development and relationships. To some extent it is a catch-all but all-important chapter covering various topics about understanding ourselves and our relationships.

The chapter starts with several general descriptions of human personality and its development. Then relationships are discussed, including "games" we play, family relationships, and the long-term effects of childhood experiences. The chapter ends with a review of common interpersonal problems, the difficulties we have keeping relationships together, and the continuing conflicts between men and women. Select the topics that interest you at this time.

Theories of Personality

Ancient theories about personality types--Enneagram

Scientific psychology, like many modern disciplines, tends to discredit anything discovered or written more than a few years ago. Actually, it is enlightening and humbling to know about the personality theories of many years ago. An old theory has recently surfaced. It is the Enneagram, which may be 5000 years old, i.e. 2500 years older than Buddha, Confucius, and Aristotle and 3000 years before Christ. This psychological folk wisdom was developed in the Middle East and passed along orally, probably by minstrels as well as Jewish and eventually Christian and Moslem teachers, and certainly taught by the Sufi masters. The theory describes nine different personality types, hence the name Enneagram (ennea means nine in Greek). These

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character types make sense today; they are as complex and sophisticated, including unconscious needs and drives, as the currently popular lists of personality types described later.

The purpose of the Enneagram was and is self-enlightenment, partly by discovering the hidden driving force--an unwanted compulsion--which underlies your surface personality. Indeed, it is assumed that your visible personality traits were developed to conceal your "sinful" compulsion from yourself and others. The nine personality descriptions are far more richly detailed and prescriptive than I will be able to provide here, but this will give you the idea and whet your appetite (see Beesing, Nogosek & O'Leary, 1984; Palmer, 1990; Riso, 1990):

Type #1--The we-can-do-better inspirer: wise, conscientious, idealistic, hard-working, and perfectionistic. It bothers them when things are not done "the right way," so when frustrated they may become critics of others and of themselves. Their underlying drive or compulsion is to avoid anger and avoid being wrong or criticized. It is important for them to be right, to maintain control over their emotions, and to not receive anger or express it. However, few things or people are perfect, so life is never easy for them.

Type #2--The good Samaritan: compassionate, attentive, empathic, warm, caring, and constantly giving. May become so concerned about "preaching" love that they overlook actually helping, but always have lots of good intentions. Their hidden compulsion? Neediness. They have strong needs to be needed, appreciated, and loved, but they want to avoid recognizing those needs. Nothing is done without a reason, not even by the "selfless" giver.

Type #3--The go getter: confident, high self-esteem, ambitious, inspiring achiever. May become overly competitive, wanting to always come out on top, continually trying to impress people. Their compulsion is to avoid failure and rejection, which forces them to work hard for success. They believe their personal worth is determined by their achievements.

Type #4--The creative person: artistic, sensitive, in touch with feelings, true to self. May become moody, easily hurt, and socially or emotionally withdrawn, feeling emotionally overloaded and different from others. They are striving to avoid being ordinary or defective; they want to be special and unique; they sometimes feel deeply but more often "on stage" or like an impostor.

Type #5--The learned one: intelligent, logical, loves being alone and learning, original thinker. May become absorbed in abstract trivia, proving their own theory, or counter-attacking criticism. They are attempting to avoid being empty--empty of knowledge and understanding of the world, empty of answers when asked a difficult question, and empty of opportunities to learn more. Absorbing knowledge is their addiction, not using knowledge.

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