Newswriting Workshop 1 Name: Be your own editor: Getting ...

Newswriting Workshop 1 Be your own editor: Getting Active

Name: Date:

Period 1

The clean, lean style of newswriting

Good reporters value words They know that clarity comes from starting their ideas in the fewest words necessary. They choose words carefully, to give their readers a precise account of the story they are reporting.

Whether a news story or scholarly research paper, all types of well-written prose share a number of characteristics. Writers can't count on expression, gestures, tone of voice and the ability to ask and answer questions as ways to clear up misunderstanding and provide fuller explanation. Writing must stand on its own.

Writers have the responsibility to anticipate the questions their words plant in their readers' minds. They need to prune and shape each sentence to eliminate excess words, fuzzy thinking and muddled phrases.

Becoming your own editor In your hurry to get your idea on paper, don't expect your first version to be your best. The next step is to assume the role of editor, critic and--most important--average reader, and question what you've said. With practice, you'll find that some of your greatest satisfaction as a writer can come from polishing and editing your own work--and making it shine.

Here are three techniques for improving your writing, whether it's for journalism or other classes.

1. Use the active voice of verbs, not the passive. 2. Tighten rambling sentences 3. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

EXERCISE 1A Be your own editor: Getting active

Use the active voice of verbs, not the passive.

Not all verbs have both active and passive voices. Those that do express the effect of one person or thing upon another.

Active:

The reporter interviewed the principal. (5 words) Chess Club elected officers. (4 words)

Passive:

The principal was interviewed by the reporter. (7 words) Officers were elected by Chess Club. (6 words)

The active voice uses fewer words, while the passive voice takes longer to say the same thing and lacks a sense of action. Some writing coaches advise students to eliminate the passive voice entirely. Others admit its value when the subject or actor is unimportant or unknown.

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser's Survival Guide!

Journalism 2012-2013

Newswriting Workshop 1 Be your own editor: Getting Active

Name: Date:

Period 1

Note: Don't confuse the passive voice with linking and helping verbs in other verb phrases.

Active:The reporter finished his story early.

Passive:

The story was finished early by the reporter.

Linking: The reporter was Kevin Cardenas.

Active:Kevin was looking for our adviser. (Was=helping verb)

Directions: PART A. Rewrite the following sentences to eliminate the passive voice. Some contain more than one passive verb phrase; others require a subject for the verb when changed into active voice. After each sentence, note the word count before and after.

1. Many questions are being asked by students about the new athletic code. REWRITE: Students are asking many questions about the new athletic code.

Word count: Before __12___ After_10__

2. Practice Quiz Bowl sessions are being offered to prospective members by Mr. Adam Freedman, team adviser.

REWRITE: Advisor Adam Freedman is offering practice Quiz Bowl sessions to prospective members.

Word count: Before _16__ After__12__

3. The Rams' first football game of the season was played on a day when a record high was reached by the temperature.

REWRITE: Temperatures reached a record high on the day of the season's first Rams' football game.

Word count: Before __22__ After__15__

4. Twelve students - five male and seven females - will be offered parts in "12 Angry Men," this spring's Dramatics Club play.

REWRITE: "12 Angry Men," this spring's Dramatic Club play, offers roles for twelve students -five male and seven female.

Word count: Before __20__ After__18_

5. Such extracurricular activities as athletics and music will be eliminated or cut by the San Jose Unified Board of Education if the upcoming school tax is not passed by voters.

REWRITE: Extracurricular activities such as athletics and music face cuts or elimination if voters reject the upcoming school levy.

Word count: Before __28__ After__18__

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser's Survival Guide!

Journalism 2012-2013

Newswriting Workshop 1 Be your own editor: Getting Active

Name: Date:

Period 1

PART B. Another way to eliminate the passive voice is to rewrite the sentence, using a different approach and verb.

Passive:

A poll was taken recently by the staff of Ram Pages in which a decline was show in the number of male student smokers. (22 words)

Improved:

A recent Ram Pages poll shows a decline in the number of male student smokers. (14 words)

or The number of males student smokers has declined, according to a recent Ram Pages poll. (14 words)

Directions: Rewrite the following sentences to eliminate the passive voice. You may use the active voice of the verb given or rewrite the sentences with a different verb and approach. You may want to divide some sentences into several clearer, shorter ones.

1. The complaints that have been made by students about the school cafeteria food are being taken into serious consideration while the new menu is being planned by a committee, headed by cafeteria manager Mrs. Harriet Garvey.

In planning the new cafeteria menu, a committee headed by Cafeteria Manager Mrs. Harriet Garvey is seriously considering student complaints about the food

Word count: Before 39 After 23

2. Simulated air raid drills were held in Mr. Scott Partridge's American history classes to show how students were made to take part in air raid drills during the Cold War with Russia so they would be prepared if enemy attacks were made on the U.S. mainland.

Simulated air raid drills let members of Mr. Scott Partridge's American history classes experience how schools prepared students for enemy attacks on the U.S. mainland during the Cold War with Russia.

Word count: Before 46 After31

3. Socializing between classes must be targeted before efforts to control tardiness to class can be successful, states Mrs. Liz Roselman, dean of students.

Efforts to control tardiness to class won't succeed unless they target socializing between class, said Mrs. Liz Roselman, dean of students.

Word count: Before 23 After 21

4. Elimination of senior lawn privileges is being discussed by the administration because of accusations that the rights have been abused and complaints have been received about noise from teachers in nearby classrooms and discarded trash from school custodians.

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser's Survival Guide!

Journalism 2012-2013

Newswriting Workshop 1 Be your own editor: Getting Active

Name: Date:

Period 1

Senior lawn privileges face possible elimination as a result of administration discussions about students' abuse of this right. Teachers in nearby classrooms have complained about noise, and custodians about discarded trash.

Word count: Before 39 After 31

5. Helen Belete, Willow Glen senior, has been selected to represent the school in a citywide seminar which will be Tuesday, March 5, when coordinating activities for the Summer Peach and Fun program will be discussed.

Helen Belete, senior, will represent Willow Glen in a citywide seminar Tuesday, March 5. Participants will discuss coordinating activities for the Summer Peach and Fun program.

Word count: Before 35 After 26

EXERCISE 1B

Be your own editor: Get to the point PART A. Tighten rambling sentences

Poor:

Be careful not to write sentences that are loosely constructed in a long-winded fashion and that have a tendency to ramble instead of getting right to the point.

Better:

Get to the point. Don't be longwinded.

DIRECTIONS: Edit the following sentences by cutting down wordy phrases and cutting out unnecessary repetitions. Be sure to retain essential information.

Example:

The three Willow Glen students who were arrested for allegedly setting a fire in the boys' locker room on Oct. 21 will be brought to trial on Nov. 24. Two of the students are held in juvenile detention center and the other student is on home suspension.

Better:

Three Willow Glen students go on trial Nov. 24 for allegedly setting a fire in the boys' locker Oct. 21. Two are held in juvenile detention center and the third is on home suspension.

Word count: Before 45 After 35

1. Shortly after 11 p.m., Willow Glen Principal Kaia Hamilton was notified by police of the breakin and attempted arson which was then in progress.

Police notified Willow Glen Principal Kaia Hamilton shortly after 11 p.m. of the break-in and attempted arson then in progress.

Word count: Before 23 After 18

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser's Survival Guide!

Journalism 2012-2013

Newswriting Workshop 1 Be your own editor: Getting Active

Name: Date:

Period 1

2. The break-in was first noticed when a group of Willow Glen students passed by in a car and called 911 to report that they had noticed shadowy figures running from the building.

A group of Willow Glen students, who drove by and noticed shadowy figures running from the building, called 911 to make the first report.

Word count: Before 31 After 23

3. The students who sing in the Willow Glen mixed ensemble, the Bella Voce, which is comprised of 16 members, placed first against 12 other schools that were entered in the district vocal music competition at Sonoma State University on March 31. This was the Bella Voce's first time ever to take part in this competition.

The Bella Voce, Willow Glen's 16-member mixed ensemble, placed first against 12 other schools when the group participated for the first time ever in the district vocal music competition at Sonoma State University, March 31.

Word count: Before 52 After 33

4. Because the ensemble's performance won the top spot in the district vocal music contest, the group landed a spot in the state contest in which district winners from all over the state compete.

Winning first place in the district makes the ensemble eligible to compete at the state level.

Word count: Before 33 After 16

5. In preparation for this year's prom, Willow Glen Sparkles, committees which are made up of both students and parents have been working for months to make this night a night that will be both safe and fun. Among other things they have been planning various types of games and contests which will go on all night long.

A committee of both students and parents has worked for months to make this year's prom, Willow Glen Sparkles, both safe and fun. Planned activities include games and contests continuing all night long.

Word count: Before 57 After 33

6. At the last board of education meeting, board members chose to adopt a new and different type of block scheduling which allows students to be enrolled in only four classes during each semester.

Block scheduling, which the board of education adopted at their last meeting, allows students to enroll in only four classes per semester.

Word count: Before 33 After 22

PART B. Get a strong start

Opening words in a sentence or paragraph make the first impression -- choose them carefully. Expletives are not just "dirty" words. They're there and it, too. Used as introductory words, there and it delay the real "meat" and subject of a sentence, and they frequently lead to wordiness and dullness.

M. Foster / P. Osborn School Newspaper Adviser's Survival Guide!

Journalism 2012-2013

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