The Seagull Has Landed, Act 1



Flying Pig Productions Present

The Seagull Has Landed

11th & 12th November 2005

Act 1

[Sfx: “Streets of San Francisco”]

Greg [V/O]

The Buckie Drifters; Come On Over To Tilly

[Project: Pigs Rampant]

[Tabs Out]

Greg [V/O] Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the band that brought you such hits as On Broad Street and The Hardgate Shuffle. Still playing live and featuring the cousin of one of the original members, it’s …The Buckie Drifters!

[Project: The Buckie Drifters]

[Sfx: Backing track - “Come On Over To My Place”]

Craig Friday night can be a drag, so little on the box

Jine us in a bit o’ aggro, it’s fun to run amok

All Come on over to Tilly, (Hey min) we’re having a riot

Get stuck right in, looting and fighting, gonna do some damage tonight.

Craig Well you don’t need an address to work out where we’ll be

Listen for the wail of the siren, it’s the sound of anarchy. So ab’dy

All Come on over to Tilly, (Hey min) we’re having a riot

Get stuck right in, looting and fighting, gonna do some damage tonight.

Craig When we get tired of arson, and breaking into cars

We like to adjourn for lagers and chasers

While we trash the Broadsword bar. So ab’dy

All Come on over to Tilly, (Hey min) we’re having a riot

Get stuck right in, looting and fighting, gonna do some damage tonight

Craig Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

All Come on over to Tilly, (Hey min) we’re having a riot

Get stuck right in, looting and fighting, gonna do some damage tonight

Come on over to Tilly, (Hey min) we’re having a riot

Get stuck right in, looting and fighting, gonna do some damage,

Do some damage

Do some damage tonight.

[Blackout]

The Make-Up Lady

[Project: Pigs Rampant]

[Project: Wallpaper]

Carol Hiya! Make-up lady! Make-up woman, onywye, ha ha.

Louise Hello, come in.

Carol It’s Louise, isn’t it?

Louise Yes.

Carol Hi. My names Carol. Like Carole Smillie - only bonnier, obviously. Tak a pew. We’ll gie ye the little sales pitch afore we stert. I’m a professional make-up artist. Weel, semi professional. Jist pin money really. In fact I’m jist daein’ this to pey for my boob job. But da worry, fit I dinna ken aboot cosmetics is nae worth nae kennin’ aboot. A’ the cosmetics I’m ga’an to use on ye the day is Virgin Vie – and as my Colin says at’s the first time the word virgin’s been associated wi my name since I wiz 14. Cheeky bastard. But the great thing aboot Virgin stuff is ye can really clart it on, which is fine for folks wi a problem complexion, like you. Cos Louise, you’ve fit we beauty professionals wid cry a pizza face. So that’s all my chat. How’re ye daein yersel?

Louise I’m fine thanks.

Carol Good-oh. Noo this is for your wedding is it?

Louise Yes, that’s right.

Carol Exciting! Is it yer first een?

Louise Yes.

Carol First een’s are jist the best. My first een wiz the best onywye. Oh aye, Jason wiz fairly the een for me but he wiz tak’n awa fae me.

Louise Oh, I’m so sorry.

Carol Oh, but he wiz brave, Louise. He fought so hard. In the end they needed four bobbies. So, seein’ as it’s yer first weddin’ I’ll pit a bit of an effort in. This is jist the try-oot right?

Louise Yes.

Carol Good-oh, I mean, I wiz ga’an to say. Cos you’ve a bittie work to dae afore the big day, hiv ye darlin’? I ken fit it’s like, Louise, ye widna believe it noo, but I wiz the same. Afore my second weddin,’ it wiz, I’d let mysel go an a. I wiz a hell of a size. Aye, I mean I wizna as big as you. One word Louise, cabbage soup. What a diet! Oh, Louise, afore my second weddin’ I lost six pound in the first week, five in the second, four in the third and three in the fourth. But it wizna without it’s side-effects. I says to Daryll on wir weddin’ night, I says to him, I da care foo romantic it is, ye’re nae lightin’ at candles. Weel he wiz laughin’. And I wiz laughin’. And the mair I laughed the mair I farted. It wiz priceless. He wiz a piece o’ work, Louise. Nice as pie and then as soon as we wiz merried he changed like that. Fit’s your lad like?

Louise He’s nice.

Carol Aha. I’ll bet he is. Weel you watch him, Louise. My Daryll, twa month efter we wiz merried, his idea o’ foreplay wiz taen aff his trackie bottoms. [Pause] But I’m sure you’ll hae a lovely day. Oh. Nih. Nih. Nae for a first weddin’. I can see you’re goin to be a real problem. I wiz trying to dae two eyeshadows there but ye hinna got the eyelids for it. In fact I’ve niver seen onyone wi less eyelids. Did ye hae some kind of accident as a bairn Louise?

Louise No.

Carol Must be genetic then. Weird. My third, he hid six toes on his left fit ye ken. Niver found oot til we wiz merried. I mean I’d seen him naked before, obviously, it’s jist it wizna his fit I wiz looking at, ken fit I mean Louise? But on wir wedding night I seen it. Well. I says to him. I says Kevin, if you think you’re coming near me wi’ that fit ye’ve anither think coming. [Goes to work again] So onywye, it’ll look better efter ye’ve hid yer eyebrows waxed, obviously, and I’ll cover mair o’ yer plooks on the day, but fit d’ye think to that? [Reveal – she shows Louise a mirror]

[Project: FMV Elaine bawling her over-made-up eyes out]

Oh, I ken. I ken Louise. First weddings are very emotional.

[Blackout]

[Mid-Stage Blacks In]

The Licensing Board - Late Licence

Alexander Now the next application. For consideration. By the executive commit-tee of the licensing board

Sandy Aiberdeen in brackets…

Alexander Aiberdeen in brackets, Sandy, as you always say, is number 11-5! Mr Taylor, Mr Taylor, this is your first een o’ the day. Noo are y’a limbered up and ready to roll, boy?

Mr Taylor Mr Chairman, the application is made on behalf of my client, Belmont Holdings Limited.

Alexander [Noting down] Belmont, Belmont, holdings….

Mr Taylor The Board may remember them? They recently carried out a conversion to turn a church into a pub.

Alexander Oh yes, Mr Taylor, I mind fine on that.

Alec Certainly!

Sandy A unique development!

Alexander A one-off, Mr Taylor, and not the kind of thing this Committee would be likely to forget.

Mr Taylor The application is for the continuation of a regular 3 a.m. licence on their existing premises in Belmont Street.

Alexander A late, a late licence.

Mr Taylor The application is routine in nature and I would hope it would commend itself to the Board.

Alexander Oh? [There are meaningful glances among the Board members] You’re counting your chickens a bit there are ye nae Mr Taylor? This Board his become increasingly concerned by the number of late licenses presently in operation. A great deal of time and money is spent policing the folk at come stotting oot o’ places like your client’s premises a’ lagered up and feeling punchy.

Sandy And Punchy’s getting fed up wi’ it.

Alexander And then there’s a’ the urine and vomit that hiv tae be cleaned fae the street

Sandy If only folk wid boak first and sluice it away second it widna be so bad, but ye canna tell these young eens onything.

Alexander Not forgetting the effects upon the revellers themselves, Mr. Taylor. I hiv in mind the young ladies o’ this toon in particular. There’s a hale generation for whom a good time involves ga’an oot……

Sandy In skimpy claes……

Alexander Roamin’ aboot fae bar to bar….

Sandy Running as they go….

Alexander Seeking alcopops here and drinks promotions there …

Sandy Paps flappin’ aboot.

Alexander Drinking and drinking, their judgment getting mair and mair impaired until they get themselves inveigled in bad company. For too long these licenses hiv been given oot Willie-Millerly, but the Board will not stand idly by onymair.

Sandy No! It’s high time we took a mair hands-on approach!

Alexander I’ve given anxious consideration to how this might be achieved and I have come to the conclusion that the only way we can speak with authority on the state of Aiberdeen’s nightlife is to say that before any further late licences are granted to any bar or nightclub which is regularly packed oot wi boozy tottie each and every one of those premises must submit itself, this Friday night,

Sandy Good for me

Alexander To a site visit. Gentlemen?

Alec Certainly!

Sandy A site visit!

Alexander A site – a site visit!

[Blackout]

[Project: Mither’s front room.]

Mither; Selma and Eddie’s visit

[Mid-Stage Blacks Out]

Mither Faither?

Faither Aha?

Mither Noo, Faither. Dinna get angry. Dinna get upset.

Faither Eh?

Mither I’ve hid Selma on the phone.

Faither Ye hid Selma on the phone, very good, aha. Ye didna answer it did ye?

Mither Yes! So she kens we’re in…..

Faither She kens you’re in.

Mither No, ye hinna time, faither, they’ll be here ony minute.

Faither They? Oh, Eddie’s nae comin’ an’ a’ is he?

Mither Aye…

Faither Damn it!

Mither Promise ye’ll behave, faither.

Faither Oh, I’ll behave. Until he mentions B&Q I’ll behave fine.

Mither I ken he disna hae the maist interesting conversation…..

Faither Fit in the hell wye did ye answer the phone to Selma? I mean fit d’ye think we took caller display for?

Mither I ken faither but I didna recognise the number. I think she wis in a call-box.

Faither The sleekit auld besom! She’s awyse one step ahead!

Mither And the news gets nae better, faither. She’s been bakin’.

Faither Oh, no!

Mither Promise ye’ll hae at at least a bittie o’ date loaf. You likes a bit date loaf.

Faither Aye, but nae Selma’s.

Mither It is sometimes a bittie hard….

Faither A bittie hard? It blunts the bloody knife cutting it!

Mither Oh bit faither, she maks it especially for you.

Faither Only cos you eence said I liked it. You’d nae business saying I liked it.

Mither Oh, bit please faither. Hae a bittie. Jist to keep the peace.

Faither I’ve nae interest in keeping the peace! It’s keeping the peace leaves us saddled wi the pair o’ them! We should have telt them fit we think o’ them lang ago. That wye we widna prisoners in wir ain hame.

[Sfx: Doorbell]

Living in constant fear o’ date loaf!

Mither You be a brave little sodger. Oh, faither! Look fa it is!

Selma Hello Watty.

Faither Selma. Eddie.

Eddie Hello Margaret. Watty. At’s a rare display o’ flooers ye’ve got oot the front there, Watty.

Faither Thank you, Eddie.

Eddie Rare and bonny.

Faither Aha.

Eddie Fit a’ wid ye hiv there? I think I saw roses.

Faither Aye, ye’d hiv seen roses, aha.

Eddie Chrysanthemums. Hyacinths. Marigolds. Pansies. A Livingston daisy. Forget-me-nots….

Faither Naebody could forget you, Eddie.

Eddie A rare display athegither. Did ye buy ony of it fae B&Q?

Faither No.

Eddie Some folks are very down on it but I gets a lot of my stuff fae B&Q.

Faither Oh, I ken ye do.

Mither And fit’s in that bag, Selma?

Selma Good news, Margaret. I’ve been baking. Watty’s favourite! Date loaf!

Mither Oh Selma, that’s super. Fit d’ye say, Watty?

Faither Thank you.

Mither Let’s awa and get this on the go then Selma.

Faither [Sotto voce] The chisel’s in the tool-box.

Selma Fit’s that Watty?

Faither Nithin’.

Eddie So then Watty. How’s it goin’?

Faither Och, nae too bad. Working awa.

Eddie Working awa. Nae something I can say noo.

Faither How are ye finding yer retirement, Eddie?

Eddie Oh, jist rare. I canna tell ye foo much I’m enjoying it. It’s jist a laugh a minute. Wakin’ up in the morning and ken that ye dinna hae to ging into yer work. Lying there in yer bed thinking will I rise or will I tak anither 5, 10 mintees? And thinking, I’ll tak that 5, 10 mintees. Cos I dinna hiv to ging in to my work. Foo lang hiv you got to go, Watty?

Faither Five years.

Eddie Five years, Watty. Five years. Oh I couldna thole the thought o’ five mair years. Cos the last years is the langest, Watty. Ye’ll feel like the clock’s going backwards. It’ll drag on and on and on. Ye ken the feeling I’m spikken aboot?

Faither Oh, I ken the feeling, Eddie. I wonder wid there be onything on telly of noo?

Eddie Five years, Watty. I couldna thole yon. Although saying that I’m nae idle. I’m awfa busy. In fact, Watty, some days I’m jist a blur. I’ve my bowlin. And my gairden. And my D.I.Y. I pit up shelves the ither day. I got them fae B&Q. They’ve a good range, ye ken.

Faither Hiv they.

Eddie They’ve solid timber. Medium Density Fibreboard. Easy-clean melamine. Glass. Aluminum. Oh, aye, they’ve a’ types o’ shelves. I got timber eens.

Faither Ye divil.

Eddie I swithered. Cos there wiz nithing wrang wi the ither eens. I hid a good look at the Medium Density Fibreboard. I hid a good look at the melamine. I hid a good look at the gless….

Faither And there wiz nithing wrang them ye jist preferred the timber een?

Eddie Aye. They’ve a good range of screws in an a.

Faither And them a DIY warehouse superstore. Jesus Christ, fa’d have thought it, Eddie.

Eddie They hid a ¾ inch screw, which I thocht wiz a bittie short. And they hid a 1 and a quarter inch, which I thocht wiz a bittie long. And I thocht to myself, noo Eduardo, fit’ll we dae here? Foo’re we gaan tae get aroon this een? And I stood there. And I thocht. And…..

Faither Did you buy a one-inch screw in the end, Eddie?

Eddie I did in the end, Watty, aye. At’s a bare looking bit of wa’ ower there, Watty.

Faither I’m nae pitting up shelves, Eddie.

Eddie Well I suppose ye dinna hae the time. I hae the time, noo I’m retired. As a matter o’ fact, I pit up shelves mysel’ the ither day. I got them fae B&Q. They’ve a good range, ye ken

Faither Far the hell’s that date loaf!?

Mither [Re-entering with Selma] Comin’ faither, coming.

Selma He diz love a bit o’ my date loaf.

[Blackout]

Hilton John; “I Guess That I’m In Love with My Coo”

[Project: Pigs Rampant]

[Sfx: V/o intro and backing track –“I Guess that’s Why They Call It The Blues”]

Please welcome the singer whose hits include “Midstocket Man” and “Torry Seems to Be the Hardest Word”. Mister Hilton John!

[Project: Hilton John]

Moray Ma heart is aflame,

Jist look at me, you’ll see I’m in rapture

You're one of a kind. I can honestly claim,

A beauty nae artist could capture.

You first caught my eye on that bright summer’s day so long ago

At the Banchory Show.

You were simply the best

Ever since, I confess,

I’ve loved you so.

My mates think I'm feel.

They laugh at me, they call you a heifer.

They don't understand, our feelings are real,

I ken we'd be happy together.

Fan they say you’ve nae class, and that I canna tak ye for my bride

I am fit tae be tied.

'Cos the wee things that you do

Mak this fairmin’ loon

glow wi pride

And I guess that I’m in love with my coo

[Project: Attractive cow]

Time in the fields, wiping sharn fae my shoes

My life is rosy.

Where is the harm in

Getting a bosie

Files I am farmin’?

And I guess that I’m in love with my coo

[Blackout]

[Mid-Stage Blacks In]

The Liar – Marathon Man

Bill Hello Maurice.

Maurice Oh hello, there, Bill. [He breathes out hard.] Whooh! Excuse me Bill. Excuse me just while I catch my breath. It takes it out of you, you know Bill, [in a laboured way as he sits] it does do that.

Bill What takes it out of you Maurice?

Maurice Well the effort, you know Bill, the sheer physical strain involved. In running the marathon.

Bill Oh.

Maurice Oh Bill, oh? Is that all that you can say to recognise my tremendous achievement? Twenty six miles of footslogging and toil merit’s an “oh”, does it? Churlish, Bill, very churlish. I didn’t see you out there.

Bill Well no, you wouldn’t, Maurice. I couldn’t run a marathon.

Maurice I’m sure that’s right Bill, sad to say, you’ve rather let yourself run to seed. No, I didn’t see you out there, Bill. As I breasted the tape.

Bill Breasted the tape?

Maurice Mmm-hmm.

Bill That would mean you’d won, Maurice.

Maurice Indeed it would, Bill. Took me rather by surprise as well. I started out among the fun runners, Bill, but after 5miles I’d burned them off and was in amongst the international field, there. I didn’t have it all my own way, I must confess. Paula Radcliffe was proving rather difficult to shake off until we ran down past the Dee, where the sound of running water had all too predictable consequences. “Stick a cork in it love”, I quipped. After that there was a very good Kenyan chap stayed with me, Bill, a noble adversary, until he hit the wall at the 18th mile, there. The wall of the Cowdray Hall, I think it was. Silly bugger, should never have tried to cut that corner. I took that as my signal to kick so I kicked hard – the chuckies it was I kicked him in, he was never going to get up after that, Bill and from there on in, it was a pretty straightforward sprint for the last 8 miles. So yes, it was a good run out at that marathon today Bill. 1 hour 23 I think my time was. The race itself was a bit of a canter although I must say the lap of honour fairly took it out of me.

Bill 1 hour 23 is very good Maurice.

Maurice Yes Bill, I was rather pleased with it myself.

Bill Almost an hour off the world record, in fact.

Maurice Well there you go. All in all quite a satisfactory morning Bill and so you find me here, taking on some fluid to restore the body’s natural balance.

Bill 80 shilling ale’s good for that is it, Maurice?

Maurice Not generally, Bill but the isotonic 80 they do here is pretty good, yes.

Bill Isotonic 80 shilling ale?

Maurice Yes, this is the last pint of it though, Bill. Jim’s away changing the barrel, so don’t go and ask for it, you’ll only make a fool of yourself.

Bill Maurice, you don’t get isotonic 80 shilling ale. You cannot run 26 miles in 1 hour 23 minutes. And there hasn’t been a marathon run in Aberdeen since 1991.

Maurice I’m away for a shite.

[Blackout]

[Project: Sign - “SURGERY STAFF ARE HERE TO ASSIST YOU. PHYSICAL OR VERBAL ABUSE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED”]

[Mid-stage Blacks Out]

The Doctor’s Receptionist; Telephone Appointments Only

Woman: Hello. Can I make an appointment to see the Doctor, please?

Receptionist: Ha ah ha ah ha. No.

Woman I - I’m sorry?

Receptionist We only accept appointments by phone, madam.

Woman: Why do you do that?

Receptionist It’s for your convenience.

Woman: What’s convenient about it?

Receptionist It means ye can phone fae hame and nae hiv to come traipsyin’ into toon. Stupid cow.

Woman I was in town anyway, so would Dr Grant be available around 1.30 on Thursday?

Receptionist Weel, mebbe he wid. Mebbe he wid to somebody that wint through ‘e proper channels.

[Sfx: Telephone ring]

Surgery? Certainly. Dr Grant, 1.30 on Thursday? Fit?

Woman Have you just given my appointment to someone else?

Receptionist I da ken. Hiv I? Fit’s your name?

Woman Mrs Banner.

Receptionist Weel then, no. No, I hivnae. Cos all the appointments is entered into this diary, having first been made through this phone, here. There’s nothing in here about a Mrs Banner.

Woman This is silly…

Receptionist I da mak the rules. I jist follow them to the letter.

Woman But…..

Receptionist “But” ye say? I dinna like “but”. “But” sounds like an argument to me. Or abuse! Ye see this sign? I could get you de-listed. Getting’ you de-listed is nithin to me.

Woman Look, I’m sorry.

Receptionist At’s right, wifie. Read it and weep!

Woman So I’ve to phone?

Receptionist Ah-ha.

Woman Alright then.

[Sfx: Telephone ring]

Receptionist Surgery?

Woman Hello. It’s Mrs Banner here. When would be the first available appointment for Dr Grant?

Receptionist That wid be Tuesday at 4.30.

Woman That’s in 2 minutes.

Receptionist Yes.

Woman Well that will be fine.

Receptionist OK.

Woman Mrs Banner for 4.30?

Receptionist The doctor will see you now. Bitch!

[Blackout]

[Mid-Stage Blacks In]

The Licensing Board - Sex Shop

Alexander Now the next application. For consideration. By the executive commit-tee of the licensing board

Sandy Aiberdeen in brackets…

Alexander Aiberdeen in brackets, Sandy, thanking you for your valuable contribution, is number 14-5! Mr Taylor, Mr Taylor, this is een of yours. Time to sing for your supper, boy.

Mr Taylor The Board has the application before it in full. Suffice it to say that my clients seek the grant of a licence under the Civic Government (Scotland) Act to authorise and permit the sale of high quality leather and other goods for private use within the home.

Alexander Leather, leather, and other goods, you say, Mr Taylor?

Mr Taylor Yes, Mr Chairman.

Alexander For use within the home. What exactly are we speaking about here? Sofas, that kind of thing?

Mr Taylor They would be smaller in size than a sofa. I don’t think there is any need to go into details. There is a brochure attached to the application form which would give the Board a clearer idea of the goods involved.

Alexander And this is the application yer spikken aboot, is it Mr Taylor? The een presented on behalf of Kinky Costumiers of Shiprow?

Mr Taylor On behalf of my client, yes.

Alexander For a licence for a sex shop.

Mr Taylor A licence in terms of section 45 of the Civic Government Scotland Act.

Alexander Oh, Mr Taylor, Mr Taylor, you’ve been on ower mony Licensing Board shindigs to be bashful! Let us call things by what they are, Mr Taylor. Let us not be sleekit. For this committee was established by statue to dae justice. And justice is nae daen wi nods and winks and coded signals passing atween the initiated.

Sandy A peety, cos ye get better back-handers then.

Alexander The work of this committee is carried out in the full glare of publicity, oor every move scrutinised not only by the twa lawyers that hiv a’ the licensing work stitched up atween them, but also by three auld mannies that come in for a free heat & the cub reporter fae the P&J. And it is in this great cruciform of justice that we deliberate, cogitate, and master the arguments which are laid before us. And it is right that we should hear a’ the gories aboot this application, because it raises matters of broad pubic interest. Moreover, the Committee his received objections fae householders in Shiprow, who believe that the premises would tend to lower the tone of the neighbourhood and have a negative effect on house prices. Now fit do you say to that Mr Taylor?

Mr Taylor Well, Mr Chairman, for my part I doubt if the opening of my clients’ shop would have any such effect in that particular locality.

Sandy Quite right, it is a shitehole is it?

Alexander Yes, yes, very cogent, but nevertheless the contents of this application touch on sensitive areas and require very close scrutiny.

Sandy Ye’ll ging blind.

Alexander I have read the application and its supporting materials, and I have re-read them, and I have read them again. And there are a number of issues on which I still require to be satisfied. Are the French Maid’s outfits sufficiently similar to the real thing to facilitate convincing role play?

Sandy Cos the last een I bought wiz a complete wash oot.

Alexander Are the intimate items on sale sufficiently durable to withstand the stresses and strains that might reasonably be made of them? That’s your department, Alec.

Alec Certainly.

Alexander The mucky books & films. Foo mucky are they? Are they jist a bittie mucky, or are they likely to pervert or deprave? Foo much div they cost, and is there a discount for members of a local authority? Gentlemen, I do not feel that we can satisfactorily discharge our duties unless we have - a site visit!

Alec Certainly!

Sandy A site visit!

Alexander A site. A site – visit. [Gavel.]

[Blackout]

Mither; Visiting Time

[Project: Hospital interior]

Elaine [V/o] Mrs Crawford? He’s awake. You can go in and see him now.

[Mid-Stage Blacks Out] [Lights up to reveal Faither in a hospital bed. Mither breenges in.]

Mither Noo, faither. [She gives him a big bosie.] Oh!

Faither Aye careful, careful, mither. Watch the leg.

Mither Foo’s the patient?

Faither Oh, jist champion, ye ken. Lying here wi a broken hip, spoilt for choice. Will I stare at the ceiling? Or will I stare at the wa? So far the ceiling’s winning cos it hurts fan I turn my heid.

Mither Ye peer sowel. I’ve taen some books for ye to read to keep yer pecker up.

Faither We’re nae allowed yon kind o’ books.

Mither Chick!

Faither I’ll tell ye, I must be some husband, the lengths I’ll ging til tae smuggle oot pins for yer sewin’

Mither But it’s nae ‘at kinda pins they use.

Faither I ken ‘at

Mither But ye are some husband. I’ve hid yer loonie on the phone.

Faither Ronnie. Ah-ha. And fit wiz he sayin to it?

Mither Oh, he wiz very sorry to hear yer news, faither, I mean, he couldna hiv been mair concerned for ye.

Faither And Charlotte?

Mither Charlotte too, she wiz awfa weeried, and they a wish ye weel. I mean fair play, they did laugh, faither, I’m nae gaan to lee to ye, because it is comical…..

Faither Hilarious.

Mither I even heard little baby Kieran hae’en a chuckle. Oh, we a hid a good laugh, faither, ye should hiv been there.

Faither I’d hiv liked to hiv been.

Mither So, fit kind of job did yer surgeon do?

Faither Well I wizna really in muckle o’ a position to see.

Mither Fa’s yer surgeon, onywye? [Looks at the Board]. Mr Vizzle.

Faither Viz-aal, I think it is.

Mither Hiv ye seen him?

Faither Jist briefly.

Mither Is he bleck?

Faither Bleckish, I suppose.

Mither Aye, but is he real bleck? Cos fan Selma got her gall-steens oot her surgeon wiz awfa bleck. But he wiz awfa good.

Faither Weel, mine een wiz jist quite bleck. So he’ll maybe jist be quite good.

[Pause] Thanks for coming in.

Mither Of course I came in, faither, I mean fit wye wid I nae hiv come in?

Faither Did it tak lang to get here? Wi the twa busses?

Mither Och, twa busses is nithing to me.

Faither At’s my girl. [They hold hands.]

Mither Do a these young nurses nae haud yer hand, faither?

Faither No, so far Gareth’s nae felt the need.

Mither Oh, a male nurse? He’ll be a bittie funny is he?

Faither Indeed he is not! He’s a fine lad, Gareth. Been very good wi the TV.

Mither Turning the channels for ye?

Faither Turning it aff. Bloody muck.

Mither Oh, ye’re crabbit faither.

Faither Aye, I’m crabbit. I’m crabbit cos I’m sair.

Mither Weel I ken this isna going to help, but I’m going to say it onywye. I’ve hid Selma and Eddie on the phone. And they jist feel terrible aboot fit happened.

Faither So they should.

Mither But faither, promise me ye winna blame Eddie.

Faither I dinna blame Eddie.

Mither Oh, fit a relief.

Faither I blame you.

Mither Oh, faither, fit wye?

Faither Cos you’re the een that cracked and agreed we could dae wi’ shelves up in the livingroom!

Mither Oh, but he jist went on and on and on.

Faither You’re the een that condemned me to ging wi him to B & bloody Q! And you’re the een that came breenging in and couped me aff the ledder wi a trolley o’ tea and reinforced concrete masquerading as date loaf! So fan it comes tae dealing oot blame, Eddie and Selma are a pair but you’ve got a royal flush!

Mither I’m sorry faither but Selma made such a fuss aboot providing for the workers. Div ye wint me to ging hame?

Faither No, stay here. There’s nae anither bus due for a whilie.

Mither Oh, bit I’d walk!

Faither Stay here. [Pause] Ye didna tell then fit hospital I wiz in did ye?

Mither No, but they guessed it wid be Forresterhill. And they ken a mannie that broke his leg last year. So they guessed the right ward an a’.

Faither I might of kent. Sniffing oot fit ward ye’re in is nithin’ to someone that can track ye doon t’yer hotel in Fuertoventura!

Mither They said they’d maybe pop by the night. And I dinna ken if I should say this or not, faither. But Selma did say she wiz to be daein a bit of baking.

[Blackout]

[Mid-Stage Blacks In]

The Licensing Board – Abattoir

Alexander Now the next application. For consideration. By the executive commit-tee of the licensing board

Sandy Aiberdeen in brackets…

Alexander Ach, pit a bloody sock in it Sandy, is number 27-5! [Insistently urging an agent to stand up and address him] Mr Taylor, Mr Taylor, this is een of yours. Ho ho, did we catch ye napping boy? Did you hiv ower much for yer denner Mr Taylor? I hid a bacon roll, fit fine it wiz. Noo, fit hiv you got for’s?

Mr Taylor Mr Chairman my clients are the owners of a recently constructed abbatoir who wish a continuation of their licence to slaughter under the Welfare of Animals Regulations. Now, there are objections from residents who live within the locality and who have expressed concerns about the level of noise being made by the livestock – pigs, mainly – waiting to be slaughtered; and about the smell made both by the animals defecating in the main yard and indeed the strong smell of blood which arises as a result of the rendering process. My clients are certainly sensitive to these concerns and feel that it would be beneficial to all parties if the Committee were to pay a site visit to the premises in order to assess the situation for themselves.

Alexander A site vist?

Mr Taylor Yes.

Alexander To a slaughterhouse?

Mr Taylor Yes.

Alexander Away ye go.

[Blackout]

[Project: School black/white board – “People Who Help Us”]

[Mid-Stage Blacks Out]

Bobby Constable; Schools Liaison

Teacher: Thank you so much for coming to our assembly.

Bobby C: Mrs Paterson, it’s my pleasure.

Teacher: The children have been looking forward to meeting a real policeman ever since we started our project, “people who help us”.

Bobby C: It’s gien’ talks like ‘is at keeps me gaan,’ iver since I wiz forced ahin’ a desk

Teacher: Were you injured in the line of duty?

Bobby: Oh, aye. Semi-final o’ the Emergency Services bowlin’ competition. We stuck it tae the Coastguards, ye ken, but my game wint intae 13 extra ends. I raxed my back like ye widnae believe.

Teacher: I’m so sorry.

Bobby Och, dinna be. I’d three years aff sick on full pay! I dug oot my gairden, I laid a patio. Oh, it wiz magic. But ye get tired o’ cruises in the end, so I came back. Aye, for light duties only.

Teacher Oh well. Right boys and girls, listening ears! Good luck. And remember, they are Primary 2’s, so they can get a little bit restless.

Bobby: Dinna you worry aboot at. If ony o’ the wee darlin’s get lippy [slight pause] I’ll gie them a thrashing they’ll niver forget!

Teacher: No, I meant…

Bobby: Good mornin’ loons an’ quines!

Kids [V/O]: Good morning Mr Constable!

Bobby: At’s Constable Constable tae you! I didnae spend 27 year crackin’ heids at Pittodrie tae be cried Mr! Onywye, I’ve come tae Milltimber Primary School today tae spik aboot crim’nals. [With extreme menace] FIT YOU’SE HID BETTER NAE BE! Mrs Paterson, ye might wint tae clean that up. Noo, a crim’nal is someb’dy at commits a crime, like pinchin’ the seat aff someone’s bike, running a brothel, or setting fire to the curtains of an expensive hotel. Noo, diz onyb’dy ken fit tae dae fan ye see a crime?

Kids [V/O]: Dial 999!

Bobby: At’s richt. An fit happens fa ye dial 999?

Kids [V/O]: A policeman comes!

Bobby: Eventually, aye. But first we hiv a ring-roon’ to see if onybdy’s near the scene. So, if ye’ve witnessed a mugging on Auchmill Road, we’ll see fa’s in Chalmers’ Baker. Or if it’s a car jackin’ at the Queen’s Links, fa’s haein’ a Whopper at Burger King. Noo if the criminal’s still at the scene fan we rock up, we drive roond the block a couple o times. If he still disna tak the hint, we hiv to apprehend him. Noo this can be a tricky concept to explain to Grampian Police recruits, but for a class o 6 year aulds – it should be nae bother of a’. For ‘is bit of the talk I’ve twa folks here to help me the day. Firstly, winner o’ the ladies shotput at the Police Games and owner o’ the strongest baton erm in Aiberdeen, WPC Rachel Prejudice. [Rachel enters] And joining her, Aiberdeen’s maist prolific sneak thief, David “The Futret” McKechnie. [David walks on, with red dots on his knees, forehead and chuckies and green dots on his ribs, shoulders and upper legs.]

Say hello to Rachel, boys and girls.

Kids [V/O]: Good morning PC Prejudice.

Bobby And to the Futret, fa his nae doot stolen valuables fae at least twa o’ yer grunnies.

Kids [V/O]: Nesty man! Boo! Shite-hawk!

Bobby Very good. Noo, foo to subdue a felon using appropriate force. Or, as the boys in the canteen cry it- Fit Bits tae Hit. David here will be takin a large number o heavy blows, wi’oot retaliatin’ or screamin’ oot. Cos at wid breach the conditions o’ the community service order, fit he is here to satisfy. Noo, imagine David here his just commited a crime. Fan we catch him, we are entitled tae use reasonable levels of police brutality. Noo, batterin a ned intae submission is nae an exact science, but the weel trained officer can identify specific areas fit achieve maximum results wi the mimimum o’ effort, and dinna leave a mark. [PC Rachel gets her truncheon out] Noo, the green areas are fit I cry “The Preventers”. If he’s punchin ye, smack his shoulders. [She does so] If he’s kickin ye, smack his legs. [She does so]. If he’s breathin, smack his ribs. [She does so, repeatedly]

Noo that’s a weel and good, but if ye’re dealin’ wi’ a particularly hardened felon, like David here, ye’ll hiv to ging fer the reed areas; fit I cry “The Drappers”. Observe. [Rachel winds up and whacks him in the chuckies; he collapses instantly] ‘Is will now render the felon compliant tae yer requests and often willing to confess to heaps of unsolved crimes that might be clutterin’ up yer desk.

So, there ye have it, boys and girls. My 27 years o’ experience distilled intae 3 minutes. Noo, I realise ‘at might be difficult fer ye a’ tae take in. Especially cos yer teacher she wiz sayin yer nae so bricht as the ither Primary 2s. So tae help ye mine, we will re-cover a’ topics wi the assistance o Mr Mathieson, the music Mannie!

In the city, the Granite City, the neds come oot ‘at night…

It’s a pity from Dyce tae Fittie, they’re spoilin’ for a fight.

‘Specially on Windmill Brae!

‘Specially on Windmill Brae!

Wi bleezin’ folk we’ll enjoy a joke, it can often be a hoot.

But some wee bam ayewis starts a rammy; Voila, it’s batons oot.

‘Specially on Windmill Brae!

‘Specially on Windmill Brae!

If once ye’ve cuffed him he’s taen the huff

simply ‘cause he’s black and blue.

Fit d’ye claim tae avoid the blame fan the finger points at you?

Nae me, it wisnae me.

Nae me, it wisnae me

It wisnae me, it wisnae me, it wisnae me, it wisnae me,

It wisnae me, It wisnae me, It wisnae me

[Repeat to fade as Bobby, Rachel and Futret dance off]

[Blackout]

Tony and George Declare their Love

[Project: Blair]

[Sfx: “You’re my little Chu-chie face”]

You're my little chu-chi face

My coo-chi, coo-chi, woo-chi little chu-chi face

Every time I look at you I sigh

[Project: Bush]

And you're my little teddy bear

My lovey lovey dovey little teddy bear

You're the apfel strudel of mine eye

[Project: Blair]

You're my little chu-chi face

[Project: Bush]

And you're my teddy bear

[Project: Scenes of War torn Iraq],

Together we're a chu-chi woo-chi, ooo-chi coo-chi

Chu-chi, Woo-chi, Ooo-chi, Coo-chi pair

[Project: Both men, beaming at each other like idiots]

[Blackout]

[Project: Pigs Rampant]

The Bloke Who Loses It; Anniversary

[Project: Posh restaurant specials board]

Bloke: Well, this is all very pleasant isn’t it?

Wife: [A lovely woman but rather put-upon] Yes, yes dear.

Bloke: I do like a nice restaurant where you sit down in a separate lounge away from the table, no-one hurrying or pressing you and you can look at the menu at your leisure. There’s just a lovely bit of old school charm about that, isn’t there?

Wife: Yes, dear, there is.

Bloke Because if there is one thing I cannot abide it is being pressurised by some sulky waiter into choosing something quickly. This really is such a rare pleasure, getting out for a meal like this.

Wife Too rare!

Bloke Too rare, Anna, you’re quite right. Here’s to the last 20 years. And the next 20! [They raise glasses. A waiter approaches.]

Waiter: Good evening. Have you had long enough to consider the menu?

Bloke: Yes, yes we have, thank you.

Wife: Yes, can I have the Lobster Bisque to start with please, and the beef

Wellington.

Waiter Certainly. Sir?

Bloke: [Catching waiter’s eye] The fois gras, please, and the trout Almondine. And a bottle of the Gerwutztraminer from Alsace.

Waiter Excellent choice, sir. I’ll take you to your table in a moment. Oh, and by the way there’s no trout. It’s salmon.

Bloke: [Calling after the departing waiter] Excuse me!

Waiter Yes, sir?

Bloke What did you say there?

Waiter: The trout is off. It’s salmon. The trout almondine is being made with salmon.

Bloke: Well then it’s not a trout almondine then, is it? It’s a salmon almondine.

Waiter: It’s very fine wild salmon.

Bloke: Well then I’m sure it will be very good in one of the salmon dishes which appear elsewhere on the menu and which I did not choose because I don’t like salmon.

Waiter Salmon basically is trout isn’t it?

Bloke What? No. No. I happen to know a little about this and although the salmon and the trout are both members of the family salmonidae, the difference in life-cycle and, crucially, taste is marked. The salmon…

Waiter: Yeah. [He proffers the menu]. You can always choose something else.

Bloke: Well, I daresay I can but if you’d told me there was no trout I wouldn’t have needed to choose it in a hurry, with you standing over me.

Waiter: I can very easily go away.

Bloke: Yes, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? But you can’t. You can’t you see because we don’t have time. We’re going to the theatre. I’ve only got perhaps a minute to make this choice. And I wanted the trout.

Wife Darling……..

Bloke And of course I asked for the Gerwurtraminer because it goes so very well with trout. But not with many other things. So I’ll have to choose the wine again too, quickly, and I particularly dislike making snap decisions. In fact I hate making snap decisions. I was mentioning to my wife just before you appeared, wasn’t I darling,

Wife Yes.

Bloke I was saying how nice it was to be given time away from the table to make a choice, and now that time has been taken away from me and I really don’t like the look of any of this shit. Come on, we’re leaving. You’ve ruined our evening!

Waiter: I hardly think….

Bloke: No, you don’t, do you? That’s the problem with your sort. You just really don’t. Get out of my way!

Waiter: You’re going to have to pay for the drinks sir.

Bloke: Well if I do, you will have to pay for rekindling the rage which has lain dormant in me for years and ruining my 20th Wedding Anniversary! And my marriage! And my life! Now who’s bill, do you think, will turn out to be the more expensive?

[Sfx: Tazer]

Wife: [Subduing Bloke with Tazer then speaking with quiet dignity] Thank you so much. We’ve had a lovely evening.

Waiter [Pleasantly] Enjoy the theatre.

[Blackout]

[Mid-stage Tabs In]

Archie and Davie on Property Speculation

Davie Aye, Archie.

Archie Aye, Davie.

Davie Like ‘e day?

Archie Och, nae too bad, chavin’ awa, chavin.

Davie Jist chavin’. Aha.

Archie Fit’s the paper sayin’ aboot the Dons, Davie?

Davie I dinna ken, Archie. I hinna got to that bittie yet.

Archie But it’ll be on the back page, Davie.

Davie I ken that.

Archie Oh, Davie. Ye hinna sterted readin’ the paper fae the front page in hiv ye?

Davie No, no. Niver worry, Archie, I hinna sterted daein’ that. I started wi’ the finance section.

Archie The finance section? And that’s nae yer usual tuna sandwiches ye’ve got there, Davie.

Davie No, this is a roast duck, cucumber and hoisin wrap fae Starbucks, fit I am hivin’ alang wi’ port and blue stilton flavoured batch-fried crisps. Is is a Caffe Latte wi an extra shot o’ espresso. And in this bag here – ye see this little baggie?

Archie I see fine yer baggie.

Davie In yon baggie there is a raspberry and fite choc’late muffin, for my puddin’.

Archie Davie, fit’s happened to ye? Ye hinna gone queer, hiv ye?

Davie No, I’ve nae gone queer, Archie. I’ve jist gone up in the world. [Passing a cigar to Archie] Fine Cuban Cigar, Archie?

Archie No thanks, I winna, Davie. Fit d’ye mean ye’ve gone up in the world?

Davie Well, I’ve come into a bit money, Archie.

Archie Oh, and how’s that like? A lottery win?

Davie Nih.

Archie The G-G’s?

Davie Nih.

Archie [Looking around himself fearfully] Oh, Davie, nae anither securicor van!?

Davie No! Property speculation, Archie.

Archie Oh, property speculation, Davie?

Davie Property speculation. Ye ken the wifie that lives three doors up fae me?

Archie Aye.

Davie No ye dinna. Cos she disna bide there onymair. She selt it. And d’ye ken fit she got for it?

Archie Money, I’d imagine.

Davie Exactly. Seventy thousand pound.

Archie Seventy thousand pound!?

Davie 70 thousand smackers, Archie. And of course, she bought the place for pennies just efter the right to buy came in!

Archie Fan Thatcher brought in the right to buy! Oh, Davie, d’ye mind at?

Davie Oh, aye! The protests! A’ the Union bosses, yarking on aboot creeping privatisation, and Tory plots to undermine the workers? And we wiz Union boys, Archie.

Archie Militant, we wiz.

Davie Militant in the National Union o’ Dumper Drivers and Itinerant Engineers,

Archie The Nuddie.

Davie The Nuddie. D’ye ken ‘is Archie? Some o’ the happiest times o’ my life wis spent fan you an me wis together in the Nuddie.

Archie D’ye mind the protest march on Union Street, Davie? Wi the flags and the placards. Maggie Maggie Maggie!

Davie Out, out, out!

Both [With great emphasis] “Social Housing Not for Sale”.

Davie [Pause] I bought mine een in the end, like.

Archie Me and a’.

Davie I got mine for siven thousand.

Archie Peanuts!

Davie And fit did I get for it? Bearing in mind that the wife doon the street got £70,000 for hers and the market’s been steadily rising since?

Archie 80,000?

Davie 60,000. Swines!

Archie Swines that they are!

Davie I blame myself,’ though, Archie. I did mak some hame improvements that widna be to everyone’s taste. If I hid my time again I widna build yon muckle sunker o a barbequeue.

Archie Nae usin’ the bricks fae yer kitchen wa,’ onywye.

Davie But, Archie. It wiz a Mediterranean open-air living concept.

Archie It’s open, certainly. It’s an open invitation to your neighbour’s cats to come and shite in yer scullery.

Davie Weel, it’s certainly nae a room to ging into bar-fit. And I canna help but think it’s the absence o’ a back wa’ that’s caused the ongoing damp in my back passage.

Archie Here, wiz ‘at a supporting wa’ you ripped doon to build at barbeque?

[Sfx: Rumble and crash of masonry]

Davie [Raising a finger sagely.] Yes. But I’ve got my £60,000, jist the same.

Archie Sixty thousand pounds, Davie!

Davie Aye, Archie. Foo diz it feel to be speaking to a thousandaire? It’s the finer things in life for me noo. Far once there wiz White and Mackay, noo it will be The MacAllan. Where once we hid a buttery for wir breakfast, noo it’ll be twa butteries for breakfast. Far once there wiz the P&J, noo there will be Kleenex Quilted Velvet.

Archie That a’ sounds fantastic, Davie. Jist one thing. Far are ye planning on biding?

Davie Eh?

Archie Noo that ye’ve selt yer hoose. Far were ye planning to live?

[Pause. Davie gives Archie his best “Puppy-Dog Eyes”]

[Blackout]

[Project: Pigs Rampant]

The Torry Society Wedding of the Year

[Sfx: Trumpet fanfare]

[Project: St Nicholas House]

Announcer Welcome to the luxuriant surrounds of Aberdeen’s St Nicholas House, a truly remarkable piece of civic architecture. Built during the reign of Lord Provost Collie and renowned throughout the land for its delightful

[Project: St Nicholas House registry office]

Stark modernity. A beautifully functional registry office juts out from the main building, its vestibule a triumph of brushed stainless steel and black plastic, its mushroom coloured walls pleasingly adorned with handprints, scuffing and pin-boards providing useful advice on where to go if suffering from the clap. And it is in this magnificent building, the glittering jewel in Aberdeen’s architectural crown, that the cream of society is gathering to witness the joining of Cyndi Webster and Wesley McAteer at

[Project: “The Torry Society Wedding of the Year”]

The Torry society wedding of the year. As on any wedding day, today is not just an occasion to celebrate the happiness of Cyndi and Wesley, but also the union of two families; the established dynasty of the Websters, long renowned for their interests in shoplifting and burglary, and the McAteers, arrivistes, one might say, but already developing an impressive track-record in witness intimidation and the distribution of crack cocaine. One may be sure that both families will have a great deal to discuss, both at the ceremony and thereafter, at the Reception at The Kirkgate Bar,

[Project: Kirkgate Bar ]

Where the wedding breakfast will consist of packet soup, turkey twizzlers and Spar Soft Scoop with Ice Magic. As the dancing to the Shamona disco commences, one anticipates much laughter and frivolity, as well as some light-hearted stabbings. And here comes the wedding party now.

[Project: Wesley And Barry]

Wesley and his best man Barry, looking carefree and full of high spirits.

[Project: Wes & Baz with cans of Special Brew ]

And there is the man who has done more than anyone to ensure the success of this day:

[Project: Donald Findlay, QC]

Donald Findlay, QC, who recently got the groom off an attempted murder charge on a verdict of not proven. And here comes the Mother of the bride, Big Mags Webster

[Project: Mags getting out of car ]

wearing a fetching outfit which comes directly from the Autumn collection [pause] of a wifie in Bieldside who forgot to lock her back door when she nipped out for a paper. Seeing Mags arrive alone reminds us that while this is a day of great joy, it is also tinged with sadness.

[Project: Mags swigging Barry’s Special Brew]

The father of the Bride cannot be here [pause] as the mother of the Bride doesn’t know who he is. Touchingly, however, the wedding cake has been iced with the names of all the regiments and fishing vessels with whom Mags had an association at the material time.

[Project: Beautiful Bride]

And there is the beautiful bride [pause] from the previous ceremony.

[Project: Cyndi headshot ]

And here comes Cyndi,

[Project: Cyndi full body]

resplendent in an elasticated ivory voile from Nightingales complete with matching tie-back accessories. Seeing Cyndi, one is reminded of Princess Diana [pause] commenting that there were three people in her marriage to Prince Charles.

[Project: Cyndi full body profile]

It seems plain that there are already three people in this marriage, too.

[Blackout]

[Project: Pigs Rampant]

Aberdonian Pavement Dances

[Project: Sign “Aberdonian Pavement Dances”]

Host: Welcome to this wik’s lesson on Aberdonian Pavement Dances. Noo those of you that hiv been following these clesses fae the start’will by now have mastered the Bus Stop Schottische, and the St Nicholas Waltz. The day we’ll be demonstatin’ some mair advanced dances, but first, as a wee refresher, let’s hae a look at an all time classic, the Avoidance Dunce. [Pikey gives a blast on the accordion.] Nae yet Pikey. I hinna telt them the steps yet. It gings like this.

[Project: Steps of The Avoidance Dance]

Tak a step tae the right, apologise. Step to the left – apologise; repeat, and rest. Ok, take it away, Pikey for the avoidance dunce.

[The Avoidance Dance]

[Project: Sign “Aberdonian Pavement Dances]

Host: Ok, let’s step up a gear, and examine some of the drunken pavement dances which so enliven oor city center jist aboot ivery night o’ the wik. To gie them their technical name, the Scoshus Country Dances.

Oor first dance, ladies and gentleman, taks place at an early stage in an evening’s drinking, fan the participants still hae their wits intact and an eye to economy. It’s a dance for twa or mair grippy participants and it’s kent as The Miser’s Jig. [Blast on the Accordian] Noo the steps of this dance are as follows.

[Project Steps of The Miser’s Jig]

Enter a bar in good humour, having previously had several drinks bought for you by ither folk. As you near the bar, realise it’s your shottie to stand your hand, and the barman is attempting to make eye contact. So swing and side-step your partners until some ither sucker pit his hand in hi pooch. Tak it away Pikey, for the Miser’s Jig!

[The Miser’s Jig]

[Project: Sign “Aberdonian Pavement Dances]

Oorthe next dunce involves the step fit is central to Drunken Dancin’: the Stot. Noo to demonstrate the Stot we hiv the benefit o’ wir resident pavement dancing expert, Moray “Strathspey” Barber – a man steeped in Socshus Country Dancing; and Blue Stratos. Those of you who hiv been following wir hit TV show, Strictly Pavement Dancing, will be aware o’ the speculation which his surrounded Moray and his celebrity partner, Maureen Simpson fae the Evening Express. Moray is keeping a dignified silence aboot these rumours….

Pikey But they’re a’ true.

Host Noo Moray, for the benefit of the ladies and gentlemen, let’s hae a stot fae you. [Stot] Looks simple, doesn’t it, but I must emphasise that Moray his been stotting for mony years. The Stot is deceptively tricky and for a novice a Stot [he stots again] can very easily turn into a heiter [heiter].

Onywye, makin’ liberal use o’ the Stot we come to a traditional Scoshus Country dance, to be enjoyed at the end of the evening, efter a snifter his become a skite and a skite a bucket.

[Project: steps of The Dashing White Pudding]

This dunce is the symbiosis o’ the three things that a Scottish reveller holds dear: bevy, birds and deep-fried trock fae the chipper. At it’s heart lies an eternal dilemma. Do I rush hame and save my fite pudding supper til I get there? Or do I stop here and scoff it afore it gings caul? Do I rush or stop, save or scoff? Ladies and gentlemen – the Dashing White Pudding.

[Dashing White Pudding]

Noo for our final dance this evening, the Byron Square-Go.

[Project steps of the Byron Square Go]

This is a modern classic which has become so popular that it will frequently commence spontaneously at weddings, staff dances or efter looking at somebody the wrang wye in a taxi rank. As a result of a misunderstanding…

Moray At’s my drink ye prick

Host …or a few poorly chosen words.

Susan I see the bride’s hid the cheek wear fite.

Host So, Ladies and Gentlemen, choose your partners, and yer weapons, for the Byron Square-Go!

[Byron Square Go]

[Tabs]

Act 2

Affa; “I’m A Cleaner”

[Project: Pigs Rampant]

[Tabs]

[Sfx: V/o intro and backing track – “Mama Mia”]

And now, please welcome the band who have had international hits with songs like “Far’s the Loo” and “Thank you for the Methlick” Ladies and gentlemen, this is Affa!

[Project: Affa 45 cover]

Elaine I've been doon on my knees langer than I can mind

& Susan Clearing up the debris ither folk leave behind

Nae a career I wid recommend

Scrubbers for years, now we canna bend over right

And there’s never an end in sight.

Every cleaner has a similar curse, but for me it is a little bit worse.

Oh oh

I’m a cleaner at St. Nicholas house. That means 14 fleers to Hoover

Every cleaner at St Nicholas Hoose must be quite a little mover.

Each of us to a woman, needs to be superhuman

It taks mair than cloots and soapy water

Our employer is the City Cooncil; no one ever made a bigger sotter.

Every lunatic scheme they unveil in the press

Ends, inevitably, in a helluva mess.

Marketing chiels said a slogan wid boost oor appeal

They took quite a few quid fae us to state the blindingly obvious.

It’s enough tae make ye pull oot yer hair.

There’s one measure we can take, if we dare

Oh oh

When we’re knocking doon St Nicholas Hoose

Why not leave the cooncil in there?

[Blackout]

[Project: Pigs Rampant]

Aberdeen’s 2016 Olympic Bid; Part 1

[Project: Olympic rings and caption “IOC: The Games, 2016”.]

V/O Would the committee now please welcome the bid from the City of Aberdeen, which is being presented [slight pause] by Robbie Shepherd.

[Sfx: “Chariots of Fire” on accordion] [Enter Robbie]

Robbie Aye aye, faith aye, heederum hoderum aye, Robbie Shepherd here to gie ye the spiel and the low-doon on the Aiberdeen bid. Noo loons and quines o’ the International Olympic Committee, I ken fit you’re thinking. You’re thinkin’ “Fa’s the boy?” Weel, in Aiberdeen, City and shire, I am kent as the voice of the games. The Braemar games usually, but fit’s the difference? So, fit wye hiv Aiberdeen nae daen the same as London and headed its bid wi’ an Olympic champion from the past? Weel, we did gie it a go. David Wilkie wiz a “no” and Katherine Grainger said she disna bide in Aiberdeen ony mair and she’s sick o’ us trying t’ claim her. But I am verra pleased to say that a verra famous name indeed his agreed to help oot. So please welcome, Kelly Holmes!

[Sfx: “There is Nothing Like A Dame” on the accordion] [Kelly enters.]

Nae the Kelly Holmes, but files Dame Kelly won twa gold medals in Athens, oor Kelly is the chief fryer in the Ashvale, and she’s won the White Fish Association’s Gold medal fower years on the spin.

Kelly Ladies & Gentlemen, Mesdames et Monsieurs, Damme unt Herren, Signors y signoras.

Robbie Michty, fit a cosmopolitan clientele they get there.

Kelly I’m proud to be presenting the Aberdeen bid, both as a citizen and as someone with a keen interest in sport, health and nutrition.

Robbie Kelly’s mock chop supper is second to naen. But we widna wint ye to think that we dinna hae ony sporting greats willing to speak up and back the bid. Here’s a bit endorserment fae a real Aiberdeen icon.

[Project: FMV Willie Miller’s Bid Endorsement]

Willie I’m Willie Miller. I won 65 Scotland caps, 12 of them as captain, and played in two World Cups. I was captain of Aberdeen Football Club from 1975 to 1990, during which time we won 12 major domestic titles, the European Cup Winners’ Cup and the Super-Cup. I know what sport means to this city and I know what this city can do for sport. And that’s why I’m backing Aberdeen’s bid for the 2016 Olympics. [Pan out, fast, to reveal Willie sitting in the doorway outside Harry Ramsden’s, selling the big issue.] Big Issue. Get your big issue!

[Project: Olympic rings and caption “Aberdeen, 2016”.]

Robbie Thank you Wullie, faith aye, jiggerypokery aye. Oh, he’s a rare Wullie, is Wullie. Een o the best in the business. Jist nae the best at business.

Kelly The Aiberdeen bid was carefully pit thegither by the best sports scientists and strategic infrastructure planners at wir disposal.

[Project: Cove Rangers’ physio]

Cove Rangers’ physio

[Project: The boy that designed the Chapel Street car park]

and the boy that designed the Chapel Street car park.. And so far as facilities go, fortunately we started from a position of great strength.

Robbie Aiberdeen is a world leader in

[Project: Bowling Greens]

bowling greens

[Project: Municipal tennis courts]

municipal tennis courts

[Project: Putting facilities ]

and putting facilities

Kelly And the suitability of Balmedie for beach volleyball his already been strongly endorsed by no less an authority than the Icelandic national team.

[Project: People playing volley-ball in parkas at Balmedie.]

Robbie But niver eens to rest on our laurels, we hiv hid a verra thorough and valuable set of fact-finding site visits carried out

[Project: Olympic rings and “Aberdeen, 2016”] [Alec, Alexander and Sandy enter]

by the current membership of the Council’s Parks and Rec Committee.

Sandy Aiberdeen in brackets.

Alexander Good efterneen, ladies and gentlemen. Fit a great pleasure it is come here to spend a few days in this beautiful city of Singapore. Weel, I say a few days. We’ve been here three weeks so far, and it’ll be anither fortnight afore we’re able to ging hame.

Sandy We’d awfa trouble wi wir flights.

Alec Certainly.

Robbie Oh, losh, I’d nae bither of a’ wi’ mine.

Sandy Shut it, Shepherd. [Robbie and Kelly exit]

Alexander I’m sure the Committee will understand the terrible burden it’s been to be here, working tirelessly on the Bid, separated by the oceans and the miles from children, spouses…

Sandy and loved ones. But we’ve been billeted at Raffles Hotel and that’s fairly helped.

Alexander A rare placie athegither

Sandy Although it diznae hae a dartboard, which wid see it docket a starrie or twa fae oor Tourist Board.

Alexander But to the bid! A central part o’ the Cooncil’s strategy his been a series o’ strategic site visits, selflessly undertaken by wirselves, to scrutinise the facilities fit hiv so impressed you at ither successful host venues. We hiv been to London

[Project: The boys in front of the London Eye]

Barcelona.

[Project: The bold three in front of Gaudi’s cathedral.]

And Los Angeles

[Project: Our heroes in front of the Hollywood sign]

we hiv also been to ither great cities fas bids were not successful, in order to learn far they went wrang; to New York

[Project: They’re in front of the empire state building]

and Madrid

[Project: Them in the crowd watching Real Madrid]

but nae Moscow because it’s bid wiz so heavily criticised we didna think onything could be learned frae visiting there.

Sandy And it’s perishing cauld.

Alexander Yes….

Sandy I mean, we can get lashed by horizontal sleet at hame.

Alexander But we have not stopped there; such his been wir devotion to the cause, we hiv been to places that hiv niver even made an Olympic bid, to see fit wye they chose not to. So we’ve been to Tahiti

[Project: The boys relaxing on a beach]

the ancient rock city of Petra, jewel of the Arabian desert

[Project: The boys on a camel in front of Petra]

and Bangkok. And it is safe to say that we learnt a great deal there too.

[Project: The boys chatting to a rather unconvincing ladyboy.]

Alec [Smiling broadly] Certainly!

[Blackout]

[Project: Pigs Rampant]

Mither; Nil by Mouth

[Project: Hospital interior]

[Faither in hospital bed. Above his head is a large sign which reads “Nil By Mouth”]

Selma Oh, Watty, fit can I say. Nil by mouth! Fit a peety.

Faither Oh, I ken, Selma, I ken. I've jist nae luck, hiv I?.

Selma What a thing! Brakin’ yer leg and then denied een o' life’s pleasures. Oh if it’s nae one thing it’s anither.

Faither At’s jist it Selma, hiy, oh aye.

Selma I could leave it and you could hae a bittie on the sly.

Faither Nah, nah, they’re strict in here, Selma. Very strict. I widna get the use o’ it. No, you tak it awa wi ye, Selma. It’d be a peety to see it ging to waste.

Selma Well fit I’ll dae, Watty, is I will take it away and I’ll pit it into the press for fan ye get oot. Cos that’s the best thing aboot my date loaf. You’d think it’d ging hard, but it disna.

Faither Ha!…and far’s Eddie?

Selma Well he wiz parking the car but then he wiz going to ging up and hae a news wi all Mr Porteous. Ye ken Mr Porteous fae up the road?

Faither No, nae really. Fit’s worse wi’ him?

Selma Well its his bowel. The doctor wiz saying he’s nae seen a bowel like it.

Faither I think I do mind on him. [Pause] Wiz he nae a great fan of your baking?

Selma Aye. And noo he canna eat solids of a.

Faither Weel that wid rule your baking oot.

Selma Aha. It jist gings to show.

Faither It certainly diz.

Selma He dizna hae femly, Mr Porteous. So since he retired Eddie’s made a point o’ crying in by. Ivery day, withoot fail.

Faither At must be a great comfort to him.

Selma He likes to hear Eddie spikkin aboot his DIY. But lately he’s been getting raevillt. He’s been shouting and swering and athing.

Faither Terrible, Selma. Hiy. [Eddie enters.]

Selma Noo, Eddie, ye werena lang. Foo’s Mr Porteous?

Eddie Nae great the day, Selma.

Selma No?

Eddie Nae great ava. In fact, he’s deid.

Selma Oh, poor Mr Porteous.

Eddie And ye ken the worst o’ it? I niver did get the length o’ telling him we’d got new shelves.

Faither [Sotto voce] Lucky for some.

Eddie Ye ken this, Watty, I started tellin' him the last fower times I wint up there, but ivery time I mentioned B&Q he started roaring oot of him and I’d to come away.

Selma He wiz raevillt in the end.

Eddie So I niver did get him telt aboot wir new shelves. Did I get you telt aboot that, Watty?

Faither Aye, ye got it mentioned, Eddie.

Eddie Did I tell you they were timber?

Faither Damn it shut up man! Sorry. Just a pain, there, Eddie.

Eddie Nae fine, Watty. It’s a funny thing, pain, fan ye think on it. A’ the different sorts of pain. Fit is it that’s you’ve got, Watty? Wid it be a throbbing pain? Or a shooting pain? Or a stabbing pain? Or a yarking pain? At's the worst, Watty, a yarking pain.

Faither I awyse thocht the worst kind wiz a pain in the neck, Eddie.

Eddie I hope it’s nae a yarking pain. I widna envy ye that. I couldna stand to lie in a bed day after day, suffering fae a yarking pain.

Nurse [Entering] Time for your bed-bath, Mr. Crawford.

Eddie Och, the man’s got vis’ters. I’m sure it can wait.

Nurse Sorry, it cannot. I’ve a whole ward of people to look after here.

Selma Oh they are strict, jist like you said Watty.

Faither Aye, are they.

Eddie Ach weel. There’s aye tomorrow.

Faither And nae doot the day efter.

Eddie And the day efter that.

Faither Thanks for stopping by. [Eddie and Selma exit. The nurse lays down the bed bath equipment and takes down the nil by mouth sign. He then reaches into his trolley and takes out a pot of tea and a plate of biscuits which had been concealed therein.. Faither takes a deep draught from his tea.]

Faither Thank you Gareth. Thank you.

[Blackout.]

[Project: Pigs Rampant]

The Doctor’s Receptionist; Different Times for Different Things

[Project: Sign “Surgery staff are here to assist... etc”]

Chap Hello, I need a repeat prescription.

Receptionist [Looking at him as if he is an idiot.] Good for you.

Chap Well - so I’d like to order one.

Receptionist I bet you would.

Chap [Laughs nervously; taken aback] And how would I do that?

Receptionist By coming back ‘e morn atween 1.00 and 3.00.

Chap Pardon?

Receptionist Fit’s wrang, are ye deef?

Chap No, I have stomach problems. It’s Lanzoprosole for Smith……..

Receptionist It could be Lanzarote for yer holidays for a’ I care. We closed for dealin’ wi repeat prescriptions at 3.00.

Chap I’m sorry, perhaps I haven’t made myself clear. I don’t need it urgently.

Receptionist Good. Because ye widna get it.

Chap It’s just that I’ll run out in a week or so and I was passing anyway, so…..

Receptionist [Holding up her hand to stop him] Hey! I da need your life story, OK?

Chap I’m just saying, can’t you just note the order today and I’ll pick it up in due course?

Receptionist [Massively] No I could not.

Chap Why?

Receptionist Cos it’s efter 3.00!

Chap Why do you have a rule that says no repeat prescriptions after 3.00!?

Receptionist I da ken. I da make the rules up, I just follow them. To the letter.

Chap But….

Receptionist But, ye say?

Chap Yes, I say “but”. “But this is daft!”

Receptionist Oh, daft is it?

Chap Yes.

Receptionist So I’m daft am I? I’m an idiot? Educationally subnormal? Is at fit you’re saying is it? [Indicates the sign]

Chap I’m not saying you’re stupid, I’m saying the rule is. You’re here. You’re actually here! If I went into a butchers just now for a pound of mince, would they say, “no, no. Mince between 1 and 3.00. Burgers between 3.00 and 4. and chuck steak from 4 til 5!?”

Receptionsist Nae wonder ye’ve the shits eatin a yon red meat.

Chap [Indignant] I do not have the shits! I have irritable bowel syndrome. [Pause] Alright I do have the shits. And I need lansoprosole.

Receptionist Weel ye’d better ging to yer famous butchers shop, then, cos ye’re nae getting’ past me.

Chap [Dumfounded] Oh, forget it! [He exits, furious]

Receptionist [Chalking up another victory] Yes!

[Blackout]

[Mid-Stage Blacks In]

The Liar in Pain

Maurice Hello, Bill.

Bill Hello, Maurice. How are you today?

Maurice Oh, I’m fine, Bill, fine, blisters the size of puddings following my remarkable marathon win yesterday…

Bill What!?

Maurice But for the most part, Bill, I’m simply reflecting on that win, running it through in my head again, there, and wondering from whence comes my extraordinary reserves of physical endurance?

Bill Your imagination, Maurice?

Maurice From where does it come? Well the answer lies in a rather eventful period of my life. You’ll recall, Bill, that back in the 1960’s I spent some time in the US of A, there, just bumming my way around. I should make it clear that I mean bumming in the sense of traveling on a very low budget, not any other kind of bumming with which you might be familiar. It was quite a trip, Bill; took the Greyhound Bus down Route 66 to a town in the great state of Colorado, there…

Bill What was the name of the town Maurice?

Maurice That’s detail, Bill, ephemera; I went into a local diner to consider my next move. And it was while I was scraping together my last few nickels and dimes to order a coffee and casting envious eyes at the owner’s sensational muffins, which I could not hope to have….

Bill No money left?

Maurice No, she was married. It was while I was doing that that I was approached by a stranger with a cigarette, Bill. A smoking man. A character I was later to make great use of when creating, writing and directing the popular television series, the X Files. He asked what I would say to a few easy bucks, and having ascertained that we were both using the same definition of bumming around I said yes with consequences which were so terrifying for me that naturally I shirk from divulging them. [Pause] But let me tell you this! I was grabbed by a couple of hairy flunkeys, bundled roughly into the trunk of a Plymouth fury, and driven pell-mell into the middle of the Colorado Desert. There is a desert in Colorado isn’t there Bill?

Bill Yes, but…..

Maurice Good. I was taken to a secret, top-secret disused secret air force base. In secret. And there the smoking man revealed what was to be my fate. It was the height of the cold war, of course Bill. Freezing cold it was, an era of spies and secret agents. In order that their operatives could withstand torture at enemy hands, Uncle Sam had tasked this task force with the task of developing a drug, a serum, Bill, which could make a man impervious to physical pain and I was to be their lab-rat, their Guinea Fowl, so to speak. But Bill, the process was one of trial and error. Day after day, I was racked by mortal agony as the torture would begin and the experimental drug once more proved ineffectual. On and on my torment continued, with only Sundays and the occasional bank holiday Monday for respite. Until one day, Bill; one blessed, fateful day, they ripped out my fingernail and I felt nothing. They roped me up by my thumbs and I scoffed, derisively. They passed electricity through my Johnson; I laughed gaily and continued to do the Sunday Times Bumper Sodoku puzzle book. They knew then that their work was done and they cut me down and tossed me out into the dusty streets of that town I mentioned earlier; and here I am today. Haunted, still, by the memory of what was done to me; but also the possessor of a gift which has hitherto been given to no human being outside of fiction; a complete and utter inability to feel pain.

Bill So you’re impervious to pain, Maurice?

Maurice Entirely, Bill. Yes.

Bill Right. [Bill pokes him savagely in the eye]

Maurice Ow! I’m away for a shite.

[Blackout]

[Project: Sign “Hotel Scotia Caledonia”]

[Mid-Stage Blacks out]

The Bloke Who Loses It; Highland Retreat

The Bloke It is a beautiful situation, isn’t it? Just the perfect view of the loch. A few yards either way would spoil it completely. Just the prime site. And the smell of the Scots pine!

Wife Wonderful.

The Bloke It’s beautiful. Just like you darling. Do you remember that day, all those years ago, when I surprised you with the ring on the shores of Loch Long?

Wife I’ll never forget it.

The Bloke Neither will I. [He pings the press for service bell on the counter] It’s good to get back to the Highlands isn’t it? The peace and quiet of it all.

Handyman [A Handyman in overalls walks by and cheerfully says] Afternoon!

The Bloke Good afternoon! You see, the warmth of the welcome. Was that a painter?

Wife I didn’t think so darling.

The Bloke Well what was he then?

Wife A gardener, I think.

The Bloke They do have well kept grounds, don’t they? It could have been a gardener. [Hotelier enters.] Can I?

Hotelier Just a minute, sir.

The Bloke Sorry.

Hotelier [Pause] Yup?

The Bloke Can I, check in?

Hotelier Course you can. [Flicks through papers] Banner, is it?

The Bloke Mr and Mrs Banner, yes.

Hotelier Check your details and sign here, here and here. Room 32, down the corridor at the side there.

The Bloke Thanks, em……. [He sniffs repeatedly] Do I smell – paint?

Hotelier I wouldn’t of thought so, no. The smell of the trees, maybe?

The Bloke It doesn’t smell like trees.

Hotelier They’re rare. Scots pine.

The Bloke Right. [Handyman re-enters with a gloss paint tin and a brush.] Well?

Hotelier Oh, did you say paint? Yeah, we’re updating some of the rooms. But it won’t bother you.

The Bloke Excuse me, where are you going?

Handyman Room 31.

The Bloke We appear to have the key for room 32.

Hotelier Yeah, but it’s not next door to the one we’re redoing.

The Bloke No?

Handyman [As he exits] Naw! It’s across the corridor.

The Bloke [Exhibiting a magazine] I made my booking on the strength of this advertisement. Are you familiar with it?

Hotelier Well, It’s our advert.

The Bloke Shall I read you what it says? “Encircled by ancient woods, home to many of Scotland’s native wildfowl, and nestling on the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond, the smell of heather and Scots pine hang sweet in the air of the Hotel Scotia Caledonia.” No mention of paint there.

Hotelier Well yeah, but, we have to maintain the hotel, sir.

The Bloke I was always understood that that sort of thing occurred in the close season.

Hotelier We open all year round sir.

The Bloke I daresay you do. But only through the simple expedient of ripping off the paying public. The smell of paint make me feel light-headed and sick. I wouldn’t stay in my home if it was being painted, I’m certainly not paying to stay here. Can we have another room, please?

Hotelier We’re fully booked.

The Bloke Could you see if anyone else would be prepared to move?

Hotelier Oh come on, I mean, who’s going to want to shift rooms to that?

Wife Darling, never mind the smell. It’ll still it’ll still be nice to get away. Get a bit of peace and quiet and hear the birds….

[Sfx: Very loud drilling.]

The Bloke I’m sorry, darling, could you repeat that?

Wife I was just saying that at least it’ll be nice to have a bit of peace and…

[Sfx: Very loud drilling.]

The Bloke No, I’m sorry, again, sorry sweetheart, I couldn’t quite hear you there. Because of the percussive drilling sound that almost burst my eardrums!

Hotelier Woodpeckers are loud today aren’t they?

The Bloke Woodpeckers!? Did you say woodpeckers? Did you hear him?

Wife Darling…..

The Bloke The bloody impudence of the man! The bare-faced, brazen cheek! Oh, you’re a topper, aren’t you? An absolute bloody beauty. What a fantastic ambassador for us to present to visitors to Scotland, eh? I don’t know how you have the nerve. You avaricious worm! You ignorant, grasping carpet-bagger! You’re a disgrace to the Highlands! [He brandishes the magazine] I ought to take this and shove it right up your craven little…[Wife steps in and tazers him]

[Sfx: Tazer]

[Bloke goes down, wife steps over him to the desk and signs in with great dignity.]

Wife Thank you.

Hotelier Thanks. [Pause] Help with your luggage?

Wife Please.

[Blackout]

[Mid-Stage Blacks In]

Archie and Davie on Five a Day

Davie Aye Archie.

Archie Aye Davie.

Davie Like e’ day?

Archie Nae too bad, chavin’ awa’. In fine fettle, In fact.

Davie In fine fettle, ye say?

Archie In fine fettle, Davie. I am on a health kick. I’ve jined a gym.

Davie Ye’ve jined a gym? My god. [Pause] And are ye plannin’ tae start ga’an tae it?

Archie Aye, nae straight away like.

Davie Well ye canna rush these things Archie.

Archie You cannot.

Davie Weel, ye’ve tae be careful. Did ye hear aboot Alfie Mutch?

Archie No, fit’s the news wi Alfie?

Davie Weel he went on a health kick. Got into a’ these lifestyle programmes. Ye ken, like You are Fit You Eat? He watched at “10 Years Younger”, and seen this wifie getting a chemical peel. So he let himself into the works and took a dook in the door strippin’ acid bath. Weel, the results wiz dramatic.

Archie Deid?

Davie Stone deid, Archie. A' that come oot wiz a belt buckle, an artificial hip and a couple o’ soor plooms. His hip did come up very bonny, though, Archie.

Archie Weel that’ll add to its’ resale value, Davie

Davie And d’ye mind last year? Fan I wis on at special diet an I ate nithing but butteries morning, noon and night for a month

Archie The Aitkens diet. I mind on that. How much wiz it, 3 stone?

Davie 4.

Archie 4 stone ye pit on.

Davie A moment on the lips, Archie, a lifetime on the hips.

Archie Oh, but a buttery wiz daein’ weel if it even got a moment on your lips. It’s right doon thrapple lane into puddin’ market wi’ you.

Davie Oh I like my food.

Archie You like abody’s food! So, hiv ye learned yer lesson Davie? Hiv ye hid yer five a day the day?

Davie Fit’s that, Archie?

Archie I wiz jist askin if ye’d hid yer 5-a-day. To keep ye healthy.

Davie I hiv, Archie. Oh, I’m fleein on the day. I hid my 5 afore 11 o’clock. I’ve hid 5 since. And I’ll tell ye, I think I’ll hae at least anither 5 or 10 afore the day’s oot.

Archie God, that’s great goin that Davie.

Davie Fairly.

Archie And fit is it that ye’ve hid? Apples? Bananas?

Davie Regal King Size.

Archie No, no it’s nae that kind of five a day ‘at keeps you healthy, Davie.

Davie It’s nae that kind?

Archie No. I’m spikken aboot fruit. And vegetables.

Davie Oh that kind of five a day?

Archie That kind of five a day.

Davie Oh weel, I’m daein’ fine wi that an a’ though Archie. I’ve hid 5 apple…..

Archie Five apples!

Davie Flavoured chewits. And I must say I’m feelin’ verra healthy on it. Although my tongue and spittle his gin bright green.

Archie Aye, bit Chewitts dinna coont, Davie.

Davie Nae Chewitts, Archie?

Archie Nae Chewitts, Davie. Chewitts - ruled oot o’ the game!

Davie God amighty. Aye, but that’s nae bother, though, Archie, that’s nae problem. I hiv a very diversified diet. I also hid a bag o’ skittles at flytime.

Archie Aye, but skittles dinna coont either, Davie.

Davie Nae skittles!?

Archie Nae skittles, no.

Davie Jeely tots?

Archie No.

Davie Midget Gems?

Archie No.

Davie Fruitellas?

Archie [Emphatically] Yes!

Davie Yes to fruitellas?

Archie Yes to fruitellas, fruit pastilles and to trebor fruit salads..

Davie God it’s a minefield.

Archie Oh it’s confusin’, Davie but there is a wye to mind on it. Fit ye dae is, ye look at the packet and see if it’s got fruit in the title. If there’s fruit in the title it coonts, if there’s nae fruit in the title, it dizna. Opal fruits….

Davie Aha?

Archie Opal fruits used to coont, but they hid the fruit taen oot o’ then. At’s fit wye they’re cried starbursts noo.

Davie And there’s nae much nutritional value in a burst star.

Archie Naen nor some.

Davie Fine tasted, though.

Archie Fine tasted, certainly. I’m nae sayin’ they’re nae fine tasted. But of course, as a general rule o’ thumb, the finer it tastes, the worse it is for ye.

Davie So if it tastes like dirt…

Archie …. It’s very healthy.

Davie I hid nae idea that there wis sae much goodness in a Findus Crispy Pancake.

Both Hiy.

[Blackout]

The Cruel Sea - Air Stewards

Steve [V/o] Billy and Dougie have worked as trawlermen in the North Sea for all their adult lives. But with over-fishing and ever-decreasing quotas, Billy and Dougie have been laid off and are now struggling to find their feet in an employment market which they believe is now geared more towards women than men……

[Lights up to reveal Air Stewards.]

Billy Thank you for choosin to fly wi Monopoly Airlines on the day's flight fae

Heathrow to Aiberdeen.  My name is Billy Mundie, and joining me in the cabin the day is Dougie Albinson. We used to work on the boats thegither oot o Peterheid.  He saved my life once.  Six years ago to the day, oor trawler wiz hit by a hunner-fit wave, and I wiz thrown overboard.  I wiz just aboot to ging unner for the last time fan Billy managed to get a haud o me wi the boat-hook and howk me back on board.  Today he'll be helping me push a shoogly-wheeled trolley up the aisle, dispensin' gin and tonics to a bunch o' blowhard provincial businessmen, that’s on their wye back fae a jolly doon in London.  Some life eh Dougie? Some life. [Dougie nods his assent]

The followin' safety announcement is for yer ain benefit, so pay attention,

a'right?  Ye've got seatblets.  Pit them on.  I'm nae ga'an to show you foo

to pit them on, cos onyone bright enough to check in, get through security and mak it through the maze to the departure lounge can surely dae up a buckle.

In the event o sudden cabin depressurisation, this will happen: [Dougie simulates depressurisatio] oxygen masks will fa fae the panels above yer heid, cos maist o the masks wiz working fan we hid to use them last wik. Weel, naebody’d telt us fit “doors to automatic and cross-check” meant. So the cabin door flew aff and wir wee trolley got sooked oot the plane. We’d a laugh wi the mannie that came to fix it. Funny thing wiz, he used to work on the boats an a. Sandy Petrie. We hidna seen him for years. He got the dunt fae the boats fan he got into hard drugs and started bein’ unreliable. Noo he’s a maintenance engineer here. Sma’ world, eh?

The next thing is lifejackets.  For some reason, you've got lifejackets. Parachutes, now.  Parachutes I might hiv understood.  But lifejackets it is.  Noo, the only significant stretch o' watter aneath wir flightpath the day is a trout farm owned by the boy that used to sing wi’ Jethro Tull.  But in the unlikely event that we manage to tak a heider into that, pit yer lifejacket ower yer heid, and tie it securely in a double Yorker as shown.  Do not inflate your lifejacket before leavin' the aircraft, as it will make you look like a fanny.  In the event that the lifejacket fails to inflate, there is a topping up tube.  This will not inflate the lifejacket, but blawin into it will gie ye something to keep ye quietly occupied files ye gradually sink aneeth the waterline. The lifejacket also comes complete wi a whistle, which is presumably there in case ye wint to referee a water polo match files in the middle o’ the Atlantic Ocean.

There are six emergency exits located in this Boeing 737, twa at the front,

twa at the hinner end and een ower each wing.  Tak a moment to locate the emergency exit nearest to you, bearing in mind that in the event of an emergency, it may be behind you, and there may be twa hunner folk scramblin’ ower ye to get there.

In the event of an imminent crash landing, you will be given the appropriate warning.  This will either be the instruction to brace or a cry of "Jesus Christ", dependin' on how good a view I hiv.  On hearin’ that prompt, you should assume the crash position, which is as follows.  Head atween legs - yer ain head atween yer ain legs is conventional, but naebody'll be taking notes - hands above yer heid and the moo’ firmly shut.  This is vital, as it will prevent your arsehole exiting from atween yer lips and will also help preserve a full set o teeth, in the event that we a’ hiv to be identified by dental records. [Pause] I wish I wiz back on the boats, Dougie.  I wish I wiz back on the boats.

[Blackout]

[Project: Pigs Rampant]

[Mid-stage Blacks Out]

Glen Camphill; “Thainstone Cowboy”

[Sfx: v/o intro and backing track -“Rhinestone Cowboy”]

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the finest exponent of Scottish Country and Western Music since Sydney Devine, Glen Camphill!

[Project: Glen Camphill 45 cover]

Steve I may look like a couthy chiel,

But ma freens I’m naeb’dys feel.

An’ the place I embrace as a base is near Inverurie.

My trade is in automobiles,

So look oot fer me fan ye need a new set o’ wheels.

Ye need a car, I’ve got the one sir,

Although I am an affa chuncer.

Each motor stocked his been clocked and mair than just eence.

I’m the Thainstone cowboy

An I’ll sell ye a heap

aye it’s cheap but it disnae go.

I’m the Thainstone Cowboy

I’ve a pitch at the mart where I part the foolish fae their dough

And prices, like standards, are low

Well I niver miss auction night,

It’s a truly upliftin’ sight,

seeing hunners o’mugs who might be parted from readies.

When I say that “this cars a must”

I omit “it wont get you hame, it’s a bucket o rust”,

Oh there are plenty dopey punters

Drive away in Cut and Shunters

Though the badge on the bonnet says “Ford” The boot one dis nae.

I’m the Thainstone cowboy

And I’m here twice a week

There’s nae refunds and nae warranty

I’m the Thainstone Cowboy

Every car’s a death trap

That’s the closest tae a guarantee,

That you will iver get oot o’me.

[Blackout]

[Mid-Stage Blacks In]

Archie and Davie on Five a Day Part II

[Lights up to reveal the usual bench set-up. Davie is hamming into a slice of watermelon. There are 4 other watermelon around him.]

Davie A real bloody chav the day, Archie.

Archie I can recommend the grapes, though. [He throws a handful into his mouth.]

[Blackout]

[Project: Modern stained glass window]

[Mid-stage Blacks Out]

The Inappropriate Musician

[Sfx: “The Lord’s my shepherd” on church organ]

Minister: Good morning. I’ve just been speaking with the bereaved, who intimated, for the first time, that their father, the deceased, was a very keen ornithologist; and so they were wondering if, instead of the usual music they might be able to enter the crematorium to the sound of bird song. I don’t know how these…synthesizers work. Is that the kind of thing that would be…feasible?

Organist: Oh yes, yes, yes yes. That’s no problem at all.

Minister That’s very good of you. I’m sure it will provide them with much comfort.

[The Minister takes up his position solemnly. The organist launches into a spirited rendition of ‘The Birdie Song’]

[Blackout]

[Mid-Stage Tabs In]

The Liar – Gary Potter

[Bill sits with his pint and a book ignoring Maurice who has a notebook and a pencil. Maurice mutters, looks agitated, scribbles something in the notebook and then violently scores it out, exclaiming:]

Maurice Oh, no no no. It will never do, Maurice, it will never do!

Bill What’s that Maurice?

Maurice Oh, Bill, it breaks my heart. It breaks my great big talented, literary heart.

Bill What does?

Maurice [More violent scoring out and then the page is ripped, balled up and thrown on the word “hurdle”] Back to square one and with the end so near, Bill, with the final hurdle so closely in sight.

Bill I have no idea what you’re talking about, Maurice.

Maurice Oh yes. Sorry Bill. I was forgetting myself there, forgetting that you’re not in on the secret.

Bill The secret?

Maurice The secret, Bill, yes. It’s a solitary business, Bill. Writing. Scribbling away, closeted in your garret. I once met Lesley Garret you know, Bill, and spent a most enjoyable and indeed wanton evening with her, Natasha Kaplinsky and a Terry’s Chocolate Orange. But out of due deference to all concerned I won’t bring that story through to it’s colourful conclusion. Because that is a joyful story, Bill, a story of joy. Whereas I am not at the present time in a joyful humour.

Bill No Maurice?

Maurice No Bill, no. I am weighed down, weighed down with the cares of the world. Has not what I’ve said so far in any way pricked your curiosity, William? Don’t you want to ask me why I am weighed down by the cares of the world? [Bill considers the options and with a heavy heart asks]

Bill Alright then Maurice, why are you weighed down by the cares of the world?

Maurice What a question Bill, what would lead you to ask such a thing?

Bill [Getting annoyed] You told me that you were just a moment ago.

Maurice Ah, the cares of the world, the cares of the world Bill, yes, I’ve got you now. Yes Bill, I am weighed down with the cares of the world because of the writing, you see Bill? The responsibility of creation.

Bill What exactly is it that you’re writing at the moment, Maurice?

Maurice Only the denouement, Bill, only the conclusion of the story that is kept half the world in breathless anticipation for the greater part of the decade. Only that Bill. Only the seventh and final book in the trilogy.

Bill Oh God. You’re talking about…

Maurice Gary Potter Bill, yes. The young boy lizard in whose hands the fate of humanity rests.

Bill I thought it was J K Rowling that wrote the Potter books Maurice.

Maurice Oh yes Bill, it is. And that is me. Me! I am J K Rowling, Bill. It’s me! Yes! I chose a pseudonym because I couldn’t stand all the adulation – as you know I’m a shy and retiring soul, Bill, you struggle to get a cheep out of me.

Bill But…

Maurice Oh yes, Bill, when I think back to when dashed out the first of the Gary Potter books during tea breaks at work, written in blood sweat and tears. Quite literally – my poverty was so acute that I couldn’t afford ink so I had to make my own from bodily fluids. 3 parts blood to one part sweat and add a few tears for binding. But even then, even then Bill, I knew that I was producing a work of such seminal quality that it would be necessary, if I was to have any semblance of a normal life thereafter, for it to be published under a nom de plum, yes. But what to choose, Bill, what to choose? Rowling I selected as it was an anagram of “Low-Ring”, the gas mark on which I cooked up my home-made ink, and the initials J K, of course, were chosen in tribute to the Scottish entertainer on whom my school-boy hero was based: Little Jimmy Krankie there.

Bill Maurice, She’s a woman.

Maurice Krankie? Are you sure?

Bill No, J K Rowling. She’s a woman. I’ve seen her.

Maurice Oh Bill. Don’t tell me silly old Bill’s taken the bait? That creature, Bill, who steps up to take the plaudits? She’s just a cover Bill, no more than a pasty. Irene McAlister, her name is. Single mother from Portknockie, a hopeless case but she’s well looked after. Gets a bottle of cooking sherry for each appearance. And I must say old Irene’s kept the bloodhounds off my trail so far. But, while she draws the paparazzi away from me, I scribble, I write, I dream but now I find myself riddled with self-doubt, Bill. Is the world ready for the ending which I have written? Is it too much for the villain…

Bill What’s the villain’s name Maurice?

Maurice Is it too much for the villain to actually derail and destroy the Hogwash express, killing all the little boy-lizards? What is to become of the eponymous figure introduced in the penultimate book of the trilogy there, the famous half-blood - orange?

Bill Half-blood Prince, Maurice.

Maurice What’s that you say Bill?

Bill The sixth gripping instalment in your triology of seven was about a half blood prince. And the boys are wizards Maurice, not lizards. And your hero is called [he holds up the book he is reading so it can be seen] Harry Potter.

Maurice Bloody proof editor. I’ll kill him! I’m away for a shite. [Grabs Bills book and exits]

[Blackout.]

[Project: Sign “Surgery staff are here to assist... etc”]

[Mid-Stage Blacks Out]

Clash of the Titans

[The Bloke makes his way to the reception desk. The receptionist sees him coming. She gets her hatch closed. She then works away, never looking in the Bloke’s direction.]

Bloke Hello. I wondering if I could get my blood test results, please? The name’s Banner. Hello? [He gently chaps on the glass]

Receptionist [Opens hatch; indicates a notice] Dinna chap on the glass. There is a bell on ‘e coonter. [Closes hatch]

Bloke I’m sorry, I didn’t… [He stops, amazed, as the hatch is closed again] Alright. [He presses the bell. Nothing.] The bell isn’t working. Hello? [He goes to chap on the glass again but a censorious finger again indicates the notice.] Oh, bloody hell!

Receptionist [Opens the hatch] Ye can leave that gutter mouth o yours outside, sir!

Bloke Gutter mouth!?

Receptionist I am entitled to be treated wi respect in my workplace and nae to be sworn at by a cock-less wonder like you. [She moves to close the hatch again.]

Bloke How dare you … [The bloke puts his hand in the way to prevent the closing of the hatch] Don’t close that bloody hatch on me!

Receptionist I hiv a panic button here!

Bloke Well press it. If it’ll bring someone who’s prepared to listen to a civilised request, by all means, fire away.

Receptionist Oh, I’ll deal wi’ ye OK. As lang as ye dae things in ‘e proper wye.

Bloke [Indicating bell] The bell is broken. What else am I to do? [Pause] Now. I promise I will remove my hand if you promise not to close the hatch.

Receptionist [Mumble mumble mumble]

Bloke I’m sorry?

Receptionist I winna close the hatch.

Bloke Good. [Hand is removed] I wonder if I might have my test results.

[Sfx: clock chiming.]

Receptionist [Smiling thinly] I’m sorry, bloods is only available for collection in person between 1 and 3.00. It’s noo efter that time.

Bloke What? Oh, come on. It was well before 3.00 when I got here.

Receptionist That’s neither here nor there. The request wiz made efter 3.00 and results are no longer available for collection in person. [Pause, then slyly] You could get them if ye phone.

Bloke You say I can get them if I phone?

Receptionist Mmm-hmm.

Bloke Alright [Gets his mobile out]

Receptionist Ah ah ah! The call has to come from yer hame number! We’ve hid this problem before. [She indicates a bit of crossing out and an amendment to the rules. Thinking she has him, she moves to close the hatch again.]

Bloke Don’t close that hatch. I would just like to be clear in my understanding of the situation. I live six miles away. [He has a moment] I have a house in Banchory Devenick. I potter about in the garden and I listen to blackbirds sing. I’m very happy there. [Coming to] and when I phoned for my results earlier you told me to come into town to get them in person.

Receptionist [Pointing] Aye, but that’s because….

Bloke [Stopping her] I’m sure there is a rule. I don’t doubt it. But now, you are sending me home to phone to get them.

Receptionist Aye, but…

Bloke [Stopping her again] Please? [Pause] If you confirm that I now need to go home and phone you from there, I will not ask you for my test results again. But something will happen. When I look back on it later, I will not be proud. But it will happen, nevertheless!

Receptionist [Slyly, and just a little feart] I s’pose I could gie ye them in person.

Bloke That’s very gracious of you.

Receptionist Your name?

Bloke Banner.

Receptionist [Flicking through papers] Mr Banner. [She clears her throat; then speaks extremely loudly] Helicobacter? Negative. Anaemia? Negative. Herpes? [With huge relish] Positive!

Bloke What!?

Receptionist [Very quietly] Sorry, negative. [Loudly again] Syphilis….

Bloke Don’t shout them out like a town cryer, woman!

Receptionist Negative. Gonorrhoea…..

Bloke [Losing it] Don’t shout them out!

Receptionist I’m jist speakin’ clearly. Your test results are important to you.

Bloke And it’s equally important that no-one else knows what they are! How would you like it if everyone knew what was wrong with you? Mind you, we do. By God, we do. We know that just by looking at you. [The Bloke’s wife enters] Look at you. Standing there with a face like you’ve just sucked a bagful of lemons just waiting to find a way to stick the knife in and twist it! Oh yes, we know what’s wrong with you, don’t we, you vile bloody harridan! You petty brainless witch!

Wife Hello Alistair.

Bloke Hello darling. [Double take; he jumps in fear] Byargh! [Wife zaps the receptionist.]

[Sfx: Tazer]

Wife There dear. [Checking his notes] Oh. Apparently it’s your thyroid.

Bloke Well I never.

[Blackout]

[Project: Pigs Rampant]

A Rare Breed

[Project: FMV Rare Breed]

Voice 1 So, what have you got for me?

Voice 2 What you ordered.

Voice 1 It’s taken quite some time.

Voice 2 I hope you’re not complaining? A lot of people are looking for one of these. They’re a very rare breed.

Voice 1 [ know that….

Voice 2 I could easily take it elsewhere. Let someone else have it if you’re not happy.

Voice 1 No, no, don’t do that. I wasn’t complaining. I know, you’ve done really well. Where did you find it.

Voice 2 Poland. Have you got my money?

Voice 1 Yeah. Yeah, here.

Voice 2 Thanks. Would you like to see it?

Voice 1 [Fearful] Is it safe?

Voice 2 Oh yeah. Just lift the lid slowly so you don’t startle it. And keep your hands well clear of its mouth. It’s got a very strong bite. Mind you, what else would you expect. [The box opens to reveal a person in whites, surgical mask and with dental paraphernalia] It is an NHS dentist.

[Blackout]

[Project: Pigs Rampant]

Aberdeen’s 2016 Olympic Bid Part 2

[Sfx: Chariots of Fire]

[Project: Olympic rings and caption “Aberdeen, 2016”.]

Kelly Welcome back to Aberdeen’s bid for the 2016 Olympics.

Robbie Losh aye. You’ve a’ready heard about the bid’s strength in depth.

Kelly However it is only fair to say that your report did highlight some weaknesses too. You remarked upon the lack of cycling facilities.

Robbie Which wiz hellish rude of ye. I mean god a’michty, we took yez to the Silver Darlings and athing.

Kelly And while it is true we don’t have a velodrome as such, the North Deeside Line is very popular cycling route….

Robbie ….. A’ the mair noo that we’ve locket up the glue-sniffers that used to hing aboot Ruthrieston brig.

Kelly Swimming was another area of concern.

Robbie E dookin, fairly aye. Noo ye wiz mebbes right enough in sayin ‘e Beach Leisure Centre’s nae an ideal venue for the dooking, fit wi the pool bein’ shaped like a giant sea-shell.

Kelly However, Aberdeen already has another world class facility in the Bon Accord Baths. The only difficulty with that venue is…

Robbie It’s freezin’ caul! Oh me, little Robbie and his twa chums run inside for shelter fan I ging dooking in there.

Kelly The difficulty is, it’s not quite the right length….

Robbie Nae bliddy wonder!

Kelly The pool is not the right length, as it was built in imperial measure. However after extensive consultation, costings and feasibility studies, we have a strategy to resolve the issue. By getting competitors to swim extra lengths.

Robbie And the good thing is, this means mair tumble turns. And ‘at means, mair times fan bonny lassies dowps ging teetin’ oot o’ the watter. Teet!

[Project: Slide of a bottom protruding from the water.]

Ho, ho, faith aye, heederum-hoderum aye!

[Project: Olympic rings and caption “Aberdeen, 2016”.]

Kelly The committee also noted concerns about the high diving facilities available in Aberdeen.

Robbie The principal concern wiz, we hinna got ony. But the lassie that owns the penthouse flat owerlooking Rubislaw quarry’s allowin’ install a springboard on her balcony. Mair nor this, she’s also willin to gie competitiors the use o’ her en-suite bathroom.

Kelly So long as they provide their own towels and soap.

Robbie And nae number twos, cos the Xpelair’s nae working. Oh aye, jist so lang as the divers dinna get tungled up in a’ the auld quarrying equipment that’s roostin’ away at the bottom, fit a great facility that’ll be. Noo, the ither thing ye bumped yer gums aboot wiz the under-provision o’ suitable accommodation for athletes.

Kelly But this is where one of the most innovative parts of the plan kicks in. Aberdeen is the only bidding city which will not require to construct an Olympic village

Robbie ‘Cos Aiberdeen is a village!

Kelly Throughout there are thousands of empty nesters, middle-aged couples whose children the city have grown up and moved away, perhaps gone University

Robbie Or forbyes they’ve gotten into drugs and ended up in the jile. Cos oh, michty, fit a drugs there is in Aiberdeen.

Kelly This means that there is vast capacity of spare rooms that the athletes could lodge in over the games. Here’s a typical Aberdonian couple who will tell you how the proposal would work.

[Project: FMV Mither and Faither’s Bid endorsement]

Mither Since my loon Ronnie emigrated to Australia I’ve hid a bedroom goin’ spare. And me and my husband wid be delighted to let it oot to ony loonie or quinie that winted to stayed there. We’d gie them a very warm welcome widn’t we faither?

Faither [At his most deadpan] Very warm, aha.

Mither Although saying that it might be better if it wiz a loonie we got rather than a quine. Cos the scheme’s nae fit it wiz, is it faither?

Faither Full o’ winos and fruit-loops.

Mither I ken. I mean the hale toon’s ga’an to the dogs if y’ask me. I couldna forgive myself if onything happened to a quinie files she wiz staying here. So I’d rather hae a loonie.

Faither He could hiv my key.

Mither He could tak faither’s key and hiv the run of the place, they could come and go as they pleased and we’d be delighted to tak him. So long as he wiz happy wi’ plain fare for his tea. Cos I’m nae a believer in jarries and pastes and potions. But ony loon that wid jist tak mince and tatties, we’d be awfa pleased to hiv. Wiz that OK? Wid ye like a cuppie? Pancake?

[Project: Olympic rings and caption “Aberdeen, 2016”.]

Robbie Fit a handsome couple! Noo if that’s nae selt ye, I da ken fit will. But there’s one mair thing that Aiberdeen’s got that gies us an edge over a’ the rest.

Kelly So to close the bid, please welcome Aiberdeen’s answer to Freddie Mercury and Monserrat Caballe, Robbie Shepherd and June Imray!

[Sfx: “Barcelona”]

Craig & We’ve something up wir sleeve.

Elaine A trump they’ll never beat.

A place ye’ll nae believe

The rest can not compete

We’ll show the Committee

That doon beside the sea

Facilities in Grampian are fairly fit for Champions

A treat’s

In store

For each

Competitor

Who comes tae wir city, at the beach

[Kelly, Licensing Board and Willie Miller all enter]

Disney hisnae nithin’ you’ll nae see

At Codonas!

[Project: Codonas sign.]

The Waltzers ging an affa tilt

At Codonas!

[Project: Robbie in Marylin pose.]

Keep a hud o’ yer kilt

Give me your hand,

[Project: The Grampian Eye]

I’ll take you up the Grampian Eye!

At Codonas!

Win a goldfish or a gonk

At Codonas!

[Project: Dodgems]

Or hae a shottie on the dodgems

I’m nae a boaster, but listen, here’s the scoop;

[Project: Roller Coaster with Olympic rings overlaid]

The roller coaster

Dis a loop the loop

Michty!

[Pyros]

At Codonas!

[Tabs]

[Project: Flying Pigs Rampant] [Two company bows]

[Curtain]

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