The Perfectionist (the One)



The Perfectionist (the One)

Perfectionists are realistic, conscientious, and principled. They strive to live up to their high ideals.

How to Get Along with Me

• Take your share of the responsibility so I don't end up with all the work.

• Acknowledge my achievements.

• I'm hard on myself. Reassure me that I'm fine the way I am.

• Tell me that you value my advice.

• Be fair and considerate, as I am.

• Apologize if you have been unthoughtful. It will help me to forgive.

• Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh at myself when I get uptight, but hear my worries first.

What I Like About Being a One

• being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a great deal

• working hard to make the world a better place

• having high standards and ethics; not compromising myself

• being reasonable, responsible, and dedicated in everything I do

• being able to put facts together, coming to good understandings, and figuring out wise solutions

• being the best I can be and bringing out the best in other people

What's Hard About Being a One

• being disappointed with myself or others when my expectations are not met

• feeling burdened by too much responsibility

• thinking that what I do is never good enough

• not being appreciated for what I do for people

• being upset because others aren't trying as hard as I am

• obsessing about what I did or what I should do

• being tense, anxious, and taking things too seriously

Ones as Children Often

• criticize themselves in anticipation of criticism from others

• refrain from doing things that they think might not come out perfect

• focus on living up to the expectations of their parents and teachers

• are very responsible; may assume the role of parent

• hold back negative emotions ("good children aren't angry")

Ones as Parents

• teach their children responsibility and strong moral values

• are consistent and fair

• discipline firmly

One in Love 

Living with Ones:

• Do remember details. Ones are detail conscious. They appreciate small gestures: being on time, remembering names, proper introductions.

• Speak respectfully. Make sure no one looks foolish. Ask for permission.

• Compliment thrift, effort, and dependability. Don't expect compliments in return.

• Cultivate your character. Set improvement goals. Don't flaunt your achievements.

• Admit error immediately. Admission clears the air and prevents resentment.

• Bring novelty and fun to relating. Ones tend to repeat the known.

• Avoid power struggles. Ones need to be right. There are at least two right ways.

• Maintain your own interests. Ones work long hours on their own.

• Humor is especially helpful. Worry vanishes with gentle humor.

• Ones perfect relationships. "What are our responsibilitites?" "What are we learning?" "What does right relating mean?" Ethics of relating are reviewed.

• Scorched-earth policy. If the relationship develops a negative aspect, Ones think about calling the whole thing off. Relationships seem either black or white.

• Once committed and convinced, Ones dig in. Extremely loyal. Value a family.

• Guilt. Pleasure signals anxiety: lightning may strike if we're having fun.

One at Work 

In the Workplace:

• Likes specific guidelines and schedules. Loopholes are traumatic.

• Practical. Reshapes abstract approaches into step-by-step procedures.

• Likes schedules and accountability, knowing who's responsible for what.

• Keeps track of detail.

• Energy that could go to product may be diverted to details.

• Looks for evidence of ethical character -- discipline, manners, appearance, respect.

• Prefers doing over feeling. Wants to focus on work rather than work relationships.

• Aware of critical points about a program but has a hard time proposing broad solutions. Too much room for error.

• Secure in a formal role. Wants to respect hierarchy and authority.

• Aware of the resume and the record. "Good people have a good history."

• Devoted to work for its own sake. Takes pleasure in a job well done.

• Works hard for the right cause, for the good leader, for the competent team.

• Compares own effort to others'. "If they work, I work. If they don't, I won't."

• Keeps score. Notes what others do right and wrong. Will defend others if they're in "the right." Airs the grudge list if they're in the wrong.

• Can mask sense of personal entitlement by working for a good cause. "I deserve respect and special treatment because I do good in the world."

• Wants rewards for effort and competence but will not ask. May displace resentment over nonrecognition onto details and petty interactions. Legitimizes hurt feelings by finding fault with others.

• Finds it hard to delegate responsibility. Worries about getting the job done right.

• Doesn't want to be compromised by the mistakes of others. Will hold a loner's stance until the source of error is assigned.

• Afraid to be wrong. Prone to power struggles and arguments about who's right.

• Shifts blame. "There was a reason," "It wasn't my fault."

• Avoids risk. Risk leads to mistakes. When in doubt, wait. Don't take chances.

• Strong advocate for those who work under a disadvantage or who improve as a result of personal effort.

Questions

1. Do you continually think about ways you could have done something better or ways you might have responded to a person or a situation more to your advantage?

2. Is there a voice in your mind that criticizes everything you do and many things other people do?

3. Have you frequently had to sacrifice your desires or opportunities because people close to you are more verbal or more aggressive about their needs, or because they have needs that seem to take priority?

4. Do you make "To Do" lists for yourself and for others?

5. When you are working on a project, do interruptions break your concentration on the details and trigger a "slow burn" of anger?

6. Do you think you try hard at everything in life and often wish you could be more laid back or easygoing?

7. Do you feel revulsion toward people who are always needy or looking for a "free ride" in life and silently criticize them for not taking charge of their own lives?

8. When planning to make a purchase, do you ignore the person who tries to give you a sales pitch and look for someone who will give you the information you need and let you make up your own mind?

9. Do you consistently find yourself redoing tasks because others failed to do them right the first time?

The Helper (the Two)

Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me

• Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.

• Share fun times with me.

• Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.

• Let me know that I am important and special to you.

• Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships

• Reassure me that I am intersting to you.

• Reassure me often that you love me.

• Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Two

• being able to relate easily to people and to make friends

• knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better

• being generous, caring, and warm

• being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings

• being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Two

• not being able to say no

• having low self-esteem

• feeling drained from overdoing for others

• not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish

• criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should

• being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them

• working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Twos as Children Often

• are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism

• try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding

• are outwardly compliant

• are popular or try to be popular with other children

• act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention

• are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Twos)

Twos as Parents

• are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)

• are often playful with their children

• wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"

• can become fiercely protective

Two in Love 

Living with Twos:

• Wants to be the central figure in your life. "I don't need you, but you depend on me."

• Learn to recognize the Two's manipulation tactics, complaints and guilt, for example. The Two will try to maneuver you into doing what he or she wants.

• Twos exert control while appearing to bend and to be subservient.

• Their heavy emphasis on relationship makes Twos vulnerable to rejection and loss.

• Encourage the Two to be authentic.

• Expect big emotions. Anger and rising hysteria are signals of unmet needs. Twos may not know what they want, but they can get hysterical if they don't get it.

• Be aware that short bursts of superficial feeling scatter concentration. Hysterical laughter, hyperactivity, and flirtations cover insecurity about the Two's own needs.

• Realize that sex or affection seem equal to love.

• Be sensitive to the Two's likely inexperience with real intimacy. Sexual and emotional feelings have been repressed in the interests of altering to attract attention. "I can please you, but what do I really feel for you?"

• Allay the underlying belief that personal will must lead to abandonment. The Two needs to be reassured that you will still love her or him even if the Two doesn't meet your every need.

• Beware: Twos are attracted to relationships with obstacles. Obstacles forestall having to face the confusion that surrounds an available, intimate relationship.

• Twos like to triangulate, to be attracted to some "great man" or inspiring woman ("muse") while being involved in a more available romace. That way they can hedge on commitment, not risk rejection so much.

• Don't be surprised when the Two starts fighting for freedom, feeling sold out by the habit of pleasing others, including or especially you. "I've served your needs, what about mine?" "Go take care of yourself!"

• Expect Twos to get angry when emerging real needs differ from their usual pleasing behavior.

Two at Work 

In the Workplace:

• Takes own identity from authorities who can offer support. The right-hand man. The secretary who knows the secrets. The power behind the throne.

• Highly responsive to approval and encouragement. Crushed by disapproval.

• Keeps tabs on office interactions. The information pipeline, the party coordinator, the one who knows when invitations get sent.

• Associates with "worthwhile" people. Sidesteps those who aren't.

• Has complicated office strategies. Backs favorites. Often an unrecognized conflict between an ambition to be first and wanting to please.

• Works for the respect of important people in the field, the power elite. "Who do we know that will endorse our project?"

• Safety lies in pleasing authority. Fears opposing power alone.

• May choose work because it has value to a loved one.

Questions

1. Are you so sensitive and responsive to the pain in people around you that others might good-naturedly refer to you as a "mind reader" or "psychic"?

2. Do you find it difficult to limit the time or energy you spend when others seem to need you?

3. Do you struggle with organization in your personal life -- starting many projects but following through on very few?

4. Is it difficult for you to judge how much time is appropriate for youself or others to focus on meeting personal needs without becoming selfish?

5. Are you a flexible, accepting person who seldom, if ever, finds strictly right or wrong answers to life's problems?

6. In personal relationships, does your dedication to finding creative ways of expressing your affection often collide with feelings of resentment over being taken for granted?

7. Do you quickly become agitated or "stressed out" when doing tasks that focus on theoretical, objective issues that are devoid of any interpersonal dimension?

8. No matter where you are -- on the job, shopping, on vacation, at a restaurant, at a party -- do you seem to attract people, even perfect strangers, who pour out their hearts or tell you their life stories?

9. Do you gain a sense of personal fulfillment at helping others achieve their goals?

The Achiever (the Three)

Achivers are energetic, optimistic, self-assured, and goal oriented.

How to Get Along with Me

• Leave me alone when I am doing my work.

• Give me honest, but not unduly critical or judgmental, feedback.

• Help me keep my environment harmonious and peaceful.

• Don't burden me with negative emotions.

• Tell me you like being around me.

• Tell me when you're proud of me or my accomplishments.

What I Like About Being a Three

• being optimistic, friendly, and upbeat

• providing well for my family

• being able to recover quickly from setbacks and to charge ahead to the next challenge

• staying informed, knowing what's going on

• being competent and able to get things to work efficiently

• being able to motivate people

What's Hard About Being a Three

• having to put up with inefficiency and incompetence

• the fear on not being -- or of not being seen as -- successful

• comparing myself to people who do things better

• struggling to hang on to my success

• putting on facades in order to impress people

• always being "on." It's exhausting.

Threes as Children Often

• work hard to receive appreciation for their accomplishments

• are well liked by other children and by adults

• are among the most capable and responsible children in their class or school

• are active in school government and clubs or are quietly busy working on their own projects

Threes as Parents

• are consistent, dependable, and loyal

• struggle between wanting to spend time with their children and wanting to get more work done

• expect their children to be responsible and organized

Three in Love 

Living with Threes:

• Threes feel loved for their achievements, not for who they are.

• The Three frames the relationship as an "important task" that can be built.

• The Three expects appreciation from a mate for a winning image and style.

• Be aware of your Three's tendency to "do" feelings, for activity to replace affect, and to adopt the role of the perfect lover with a script of endearing things to say.

• Help your partner slow down activity related to intimacy long enough to be affected by intimate feelings.

• Your Three partner will be intolerant of "darker" emotions. Wants to tune out negative feedback. "Let's stay energetic and happy," "Let's do something together," "Let's have fun."

• If the Three partner takes responsibility for other people's "negative" feelings ("What should I do to make you happy?"), hold out the possibility that there is no quick solution to pain.

• Understand that your Three can readily confuse ideas about emotions with the real thing.

• And, as real feelings emerge, your Three can be in a quandary: "Do I have the right one? Am I doing this right? Tell me what I should feel."

• So Threes become especially anxious when activity is suspended and feelings begin to come forth.

• Three partners need to be assured that they are loved for themselves, not as the prototype of the perfect mate.

• A Three's heart is in his or her work. The Three will therefore need a strong push from a partner to take time away from work.

Three at Work 

In the Workplace:

• Assumes own ability. The instant expert.

• Confuses real self and work role. "I am what I do."

• Takes on the image and feelings of a task. Prototype of the profession.

• The priority is to be efficient and save time, even if this means cutting corners. Takes the shortcut. Does several things at once. "Details later."

• Will stay on an expansionist track until the task is opposed, then parlay options for the biggest possible win.

• Feels rage when tasks and goals are interrupted. Anger is usually task specific.

• Values product over process. "How much did I produce?"

• Being respected for ability as a worker is more important than being liked.

• Machinelike achiever. Expects others to work in the same way.

• Projects a high-profile image -- credentials, social standing, "who's who."

• Exerts power over people; competes for leadership roles.

• Wants a clear path to success. Shoots for defined goals. Wants reward for effort. Intolerant of ambiguous returns.

• Pays selective attention to positive feedback. Image has to be maintained. Intolerant of criticism. Places responsibility elsewhere if failure occurs.

• Avoids failure. Switches tracks. Finds a presentation that works.

• Has difficulty telling the difference between being admired as a leader and being liked for himself or herself.

Questions

1. Do you sometimes think you're too cynical or suspicious because you intuitively seem to know the hidden motives of others -- especially their dark, manipulative intentions?

2. Are you able to be positive, optimistic, and upbeat around others even though you feel pessimistic or desperate about your life when you're alone?

3. Do you guard against becoming too emotionally vulnerable or dependent upon even those closest to you because you fear being manipulated?

4. When your goals are unclear or you don't have any goals, do you lose your energy and find that life is suddenly dull and boring?

5. To avoid being rude or hurtful, do you often have to feign interest in a conversation you're having because a new idea or important current project is beginning to race through your mind?

6. Do you prize relationships that are free and undemanding and break relationships that become too complicated or time consuming?

7. Are you able instantly to hide your feelings of shock, disappointment, anger, embarrassment, and so on until you can deal with them in private?

8. Would you tend to err on the side of saying too little rather than saying too much?

9. Is it difficult for you to take time for yourself, to relax or to "do nothing" when there are still projects left undone?

The Romantic (the Four)

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.

• Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.

• Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.

• Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.

• Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four

• my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level

• my ability to establish warm connections with people

• admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life

• my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor

• being unique and being seen as unique by others

• having aesthetic sensibilities

• being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four

• experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair

• feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved

• feeling guilty when I disappoint people

• feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me

• expecting too much from myself and life

• fearing being abandoned

• obsessing over resentments

• longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often

• have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s

• are very sensitive

• feel that they don't fit in

• believe they are missing something that other people have

• attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.

• become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood

• feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents

• help their children become who they really are

• support their children's creativity and originality

• are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings

• are sometimes overly critical or overly protective

• are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Four in Love 

Living with Fours:

• Remember that Fours feel that something is missing. Others have what's missing. Focused on the quality of feeling in other people's relationships, the Four worries: "They have it. I don't."

• You can easily be dismayed by your Four's attraction to the distant and the unavailable, positive attention to whoever is missing: the ghostly lover, the distant friend, the unfulfilled dream.

• Count on complex relating. Nothing is simple. Depth is the goal rather than fun.

• Expect impatience with the "flatness" of ordinary feeling. "Surely there is more than this." Relating is intensified by sabotage, suffering, and dramatic acts.

• For Fours the present seems unreal. All relating is building toward the emergence of the "real" self through the agency of love. The ultimate disclosure, the transcendent moment, the reawakening of the soul.

• It's always showtime: mood, manners, luxury, and good taste as a setting for relationship. Unique self-presentation compensates for inner feelings of deprivation. The art form of keeping feelings contained. Conversational innuendo, aesthetic distance, the implication of a special glance. Relating through romantic idealization.

• For Fours, it's the pursuit not the happiness that matters: a refined and bittersweet emotional sensibility. A mood of melancholy. Love is many layered and goes through many phases. The stages of letting go are unusually slow.

• Fours sweetly reminisce about people from the past and focus on lovers, experiences yet to come. Attention on present opportunities are weak and intermittent.

• Push-pull habit of attention. The Four's focus turns to your negative aspects when you are present and to positive aspects with the safety of distance.

• This way of paying attention reinforces the Four's feelings of abandonment and loss, but also lends itself to:

• Sensitivity to your emotional states and the ability to support you when you suffer pain.

Four at Work 

In the Workplace:

• Wants distinctive work. A job that calls for creativity, even genius, an eccentric edge in presentation, a unique approach to business life.

• Must feel respected in the workplace for personal vision and ideas.

• Efficiency is tied to mood. Attention gets displaced from tasks when emotional life takes over. Can sabotage business life over a love affair.

• Wants to be connected to special authority, to those in the field who stand for quality rather then popularity.

• Feels demeaned by plebeian work, the definition of which is different for every Four. Gardening can be work for plebs. So can being a CEO.

• Feels called to emotionally intense lines of work: grief counselor, animal rights activist, the suicide hot line late at night.

• Aggressive and cutting toward competitors or peers in the same field. Attracted to successful people outside his or her own sphere of interest.

• Does not flourish in a work environment that requires close cooperation with others who are more skilled, more valued, or better paid.

Questions

1. Would you say that being with people, nurturing personal relationships, and being intensely loyal to the people you love are the innate gifts that bring the greatest pleasure and meaning to your life?

2. Even in your closest relationships, does fear of loss or abandonment cause you to struggle against feelings of jealousy or possessiveness?

3. Do you tend to avoid or procrastinate over tasks that require focusing on details or paperwork, seeing them as tedious and depressing?

4. When presented with a new plan, idea, or project, do you feel that it's important to recognize flaws first so that the possibilities won't become unrealistic and therefore disappointing?

5. Is your sense of meaning and purpose in life best expressed through the symbols, stories, ad traditions that connect you to people, to your faith, or to life in general?

6. Have you spent a great deal of time and energy on a quest to understand the meaning of your own life and history, hoping to understand your purpose for being on this earth?

7. When experiencing the beauty of nature -- for example, a sunset or a budding flower -- do you connect with something spiritual and even sometimes feel your heart will burst because of the sheer wonder of creation?

8. Do you often feel so many emotions at once that you become confused about which to express first and how to organize your thoughts?

9. Are you attracted to the dramatic or unusual things in life -- in clothes, food, friends, art, decor?

The Observer (the Five)

Observers have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.

How to Get Along with Me

• Be independent, not clingy.

• Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.

• I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.

• Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable.

• Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.

• If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place.

• don't come on like a bulldozer.

• Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy.

What I Like About Being a Five

• standing back and viewing life objectively

• coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects

• my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure

• not being caught up in material possessions and status

• being calm in a crisis

What's Hard About Being a Five

• being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world

• feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all

• being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be

• watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally

Fives as Children Often

• spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on

• have a few special friends rather than many

• are very bright and curious and do well in school

• have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers

• watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information

• assume a poker face in order not to look afraid

• are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict

• feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected

Fives as Parents

• are often kind, perceptive, and devoted

• are sometimes authoritarian and demanding

• may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate

• may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions

Five in Love 

Living with Fives:

• Because Fives have delayed reactions, their feelings can surface when they're alone. They find intimacy in private reverie. Great tenderness can develop without the need for words or prolonged personal contact.

• Fives' cycle of withdrawal can lead to feelings of isolation and the desire to have others draw them out. They are caught between wanting contact and wanting to go.

• Intimacy can stimulate detachment. Significants may get the message "I can still do without you," or "I'm committed, but I won't live with you."

• You may be compartmentalized, separated from other aspects of the Five's life.

• Expect a Five to express intimacy in nonverbal ways. Fives sense that feelings can surface more easily if they need not be spoken.

• An emotionally attached Five may become fiercely possessive of you. You may feel like his or her emotional lifeline.

• Partners will get lots of support when the Five is free of personal obligations and doesn't feel forced to respond.

• Noninvolvement is the Five's habitual emotional stance. Partners should therefore read "negative" feelings such as anger, jealousy, and competition, as well as "positive" feelings like sexuality and tenderness, as possible signs of increasing connection.

Five at Work 

In the Workplace:

• Has a sense of limited energy reserves. Does not want time and energy to be used for other people's agendas.

• Works hard for the rewards of privacy and the freedom to pursue personal interests. Works to buy autonomy.

• Needs predictability. Wants to foresee in order to be prepared. Expects to have minutes from the last meeting and names of those who will attend the next one.

• Attention gravitates to others in the environment. Feels their intrusion. Often finds it hard to concentrate in the presence of others.

• Freezes when unexpectedly questioned or when a spontaneous reaction is called for. Needs to withdraw in order to figure things out.

• Strictly avoids conflict. Puts up a wall of memos and secretaries as protection against emotional scenes.

• Values unemotional decision making. The use of feelings as a rudder for decisions appears to be a loss of control. Can usually see through the flattery and charismatic leadership.

• Extremely productive when in a decision-making role that is protected from frontline interactions.

Questions

1. Do you relish and even require extended periods of time alone to ponder and sort out the important issues of life?

2. Do you have an unquenchable thirst for new experiences, new adventures, or new knowledge, and are you quickly bored by repetition?

3. Do you usually have a point of view different from everyone else's and find yourself amazed at the lack of rational thinking behind others' conclusions?

4. Do you enjoy talking about and planning a project for months, even years, but find your enthusiasm slipping away at the prospect of beginning the hard work of actually doing it?

5. In personal relationships, do you often feel frustrated and pull back because others misread your intentions?

6. Are you generally impatient with group decisions, becoming restless and irritated as others ramble on and on about unrelated, unimportant issues?

7. Do you tend to see the absurdity of life and enjoy throwing people off guard by pointing out the ridiculous with wit and humor?

8. Do you place great value on individualism, personal freedom, and space and become quickly interested by anything new, unexpected, or unexplored?

9. Are the social interactions of your life initiated primarily by others, even when you want to be included or want some form of communication?

The Questioner (the Six)

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

• Be direct and clear.

• Listen to me carefully.

• Don't judge me for my anxiety.

• Work things through with me.

• Reassure me that everything is OK between us.

• Laugh and make jokes with me.

• Gently push me toward new experiences.

• Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Six

• being committed and faithful to family and friends

• being responsible and hardworking

• being compassionate toward others

• having intellect and wit

• being a nonconformist

• confronting danger bravely

• being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Six

• the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind

• procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself

• fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of

• exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger

• wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right

• being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Sixes as Children Often

• are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn

• are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger

• form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent

• look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel

• are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Sixes as Parents

• are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty

• are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence

• worry more than most that their children will get hurt

• sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Six in Love 

Living with Sixes:

• Sixes question your intentions: suspecting your positive regard, wondering what you really think, undervaluing romance.

• A Six can be a loyal ally, strong in an "us against the world" relationship, a devoted supporter.

• Sixes want reassurance to overcome doubt. "Will you always love me?" There's no right answer for this one. A positive response leads to doubt of your sincerity, further assurances are required, and so on.

• Sixes tend to project personal dissatisfaction, for instance, denying their own wandering eye by "seeing" that you are attracted to someone else.

• Expect a Six to identify with the problem areas of relationship, which become the focal points of attention.

• A Six wants to affect you (for example, through warmth, by a dutiful alliance, or through sexual power) rather than be affected. Sixes find it frightening to have their own desires aroused, to realize that they are vulnerable to what others do. They prefer to show strength by assisting others to attain their goals, are capable of significant self-sacrifice.

• Don't count on Sixes to be able to locate the source of tension in intimacy. "Am I afraid of showing weakness? Am I sensing a possible betrayal?" They expect hurt when their guard goes down.

• A Six searches for clues in your behavior. "What's going on underneath the surface? How do you act toward other people? What do you really think of me?" They need reassurance.

Six at Work 

In the Workplace:

• Has strong analytic powers. Attention shifts to questioning and examining the opposite position. Doubt and a suspicion of the obvious develop clarity.

• Overvalues authority's power. Invests those who project an authoritative image with far more power than they actually possess. Feels weakened by comparison.

• Reacts against own weakness by either seeking protection from authority (loyalist) or attempting to bring it down (rebel). "At your feet or at your throat."

• Tries for superhero status as a compensation for inner anxiety. Has to prove self to others. Self-mastery. Toughing it out. Braced against fear.

• Able to act, to go full out when up against the odds. Will compete when the odds are against a win. Defends the underdog. A business turnaround.

• Tests an argument. Sensitive to the weak spots in any position. The loyal opposition. "Yes, but..." The devil's advocate. "Let's consider the other side."

• Action paralysis. Finds it hard to keep moving forward effectively when success begins to materialize and hard to focus when there is no opposition. Doubt sets in until positive options begin to seem unreal.

• Has tendency to diminish a powerful success. Blowing it, losing time, losing the critical file in a computer crash. Sense of endangerment arises in the exposed successful stance. Backlash from the belief that nobody likes authority.

• Has difficulty locating the source of tension connected to success. "Is it that my subordinates do not like authority?" "Am I sensing a behind-the-scenes attack? Is a takeover likely?" "Why don't I feel the pleasure of a win?"

Questions

1. As you get up in the morning, are you enlivened when you have a full schedule of diverse activities for the day?

2. Are you generally more at ease entertaining in the comfort of your own surroundings, even though it means more work for you?

3. Would you say that dedication to home, family, marriage, and/or community are the basic values out of which you live your life?

4. As a person who takes responsibility seriously, do you often resent and feel overburdened by the number of people who make irresponsibility a way of life?

5. As a general rule, do you need to gather the opinions of others -- family, friends, co-workers -- before making a decision?

6. Having strong opinions about life, do you mistrust and become upset with people who attempt to justify and expand the "gray areas"?

7. Do you feel more connected with people who are important to you when you know the details of what's going on in their lives on a regular basis?

8. Are you a hard-working, organized person who prefers to keep to a tight schedule, even to the point of scheduling your vacation or relaxation time?

9. Would you have more confidence in and loyalty toward an authority figure who laid down specific rules rather than one who was flexible and able to "go with the flow"?

The Adventurer (the Seven)

Adventurers are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute to the world.

How to Get Along with Me

• Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.

• Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.

• Appreciate my grand visions and listen to my stories.

• Don't try to change my style. Accept me the way I am.

• Be responsible for youself. I dislike clingy or needy people.

• Don't tell me what to do.

What I Like About Being a Seven

• being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down

• being spontaneous and free-spirited

• being outspoken and outrageous. It's part of the fun.

• being generous and trying to make the world a better place

• having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures

• having such varied interests and abilities

What's Hard About Being a Seven

• not having enough time to do all the things I want

• not completing things I start

• not being able to profit from the benefits that come from specializing; not making a commitment to a career

• having a tendency to be ungrounded; getting lost in plans or fantasies

• feeling confined when I'm in a one-to-one relationship

Sevens as Children Often

• are action oriented and adventuresome

• drum up excitement

• prefer being with other children to being alone

• finesse their way around adults

• dream of the freedom they'll have when they grow up

Sevens as Parents

• are often enthusiastic and generous

• want their children to be exposed to many adventures in life

• may be too busy with their own activities to be attentive

Seven in Love 

Living with Sevens:

• The main problem is getting a Seven to see the problem.

• An ideal mate is someone who adores the Seven and will keep the Seven company while he or she has a good time.

• Sevens want high levels of stimulation, adventure, and multiple options of activity. Because they have great difficulty staying with negative feelings, they'll want to diffuse disagreement and sweeten the situation. "Shouldn't we go to dinner and a show?"

• Sevens want to be with partners who mirror their own high self-image.

• Sevens are pleasant when you admire them. But they'll ridicule or discount you or the situation when they're challenged or placed in an inferior position. They make nice or make fun of.

• Acutely sensitive to boredom and repetition in relationships, Sevens can adopt new interests and maintain a charming lifestyle to keep the spark alive.

• Sevens go with the flow. They want to cycle in and out of encounters with people, to arrive on a high note, to leave with good feelings, to return when the flow brings you back together again.

• Expect Sevens to get angry when the flow is interrupted. They don't want to be brought down by someone of lesser mind.

• Sevens become acutely aware of the limitations when you call for commitment. They can live in committed relationships for decades and still be uneasy with the concept. Long-term commitments are "a process" and an adventure.

• Sevens take a multidimensional approach to intimacy. They'll be fascinated by your various aspects. They'll want to do many different things with you and will support your dreams and activities.

Seven at Work 

In the Workplace:

• Offers a sweet solution to authority problems. Wants to equalize authority, which can come out either as a fair peer arrangement or as a situation engineered to ensure that no one is allowed to give orders. If no one gives orders, then people get to do as they please.

• Can become insistent about impractical ideas and inefficient approaches. Prefers ideas and theory to implementation. Will open a task to new approaches rather than face routine.

• Goes through the cracks rather than confronts. An antiauthoritarian stance that gets around the rules by broadening the definition of terms.

• Excellent performer in open-ended projects that do not move into routine. Networks, plans, synthesizes ideas and approaches. Aligns the project with other areas of interest.

• Has an inner sense of capability and high self-worth. Measures self against others to keep this sense of self alive. "Am I superior or inferior?" "Do I stand above or below?" "Am I on top of this project, or will it get me down?" Positive self-image can be punctured by negative feedback.

• Has a tendency to bend people's minds in order to get their support. Reframes objections. Puffs the possibilities. Puts forward a lucid idea without considering backup. Offers convincing generalities with lots of little loopholes. Offers suggestions that sound like promises.

• Delightful to work with. Can be forgiving and creative during hard times. The office person who wins the popularity poll.

Questions

1. When a situation becomes intense, do you get a nearly uncontrollable urge to laugh or to point out the absurdity of it all, often with a good one-liner?

2. When you hear about or see problems in the world or in people's lives, do you almost automatically start thinking of solutions?

3. Are you "turned off" when people tell you how gifted you are or what great potential you have because you know that underneath is the expectation for you to be doing something more meaningful or productive with your life?

4. Are you stimulated by intellectual sparring, by new and different experiences, or by the possibility of being on the cutting edge of a new venture but "turned off" at the thought of your life being stable, secure, and routine?

5. Do you prize flexibility and avoid making long-term commitments or plans "set in concrete"?

6. Do people almost universally enjoy your company but at the same time give you the feeling they don't see the deeper, more intelligent, more loyal side of your personality?

7. Do you see yourself as a good communicator with a broad enough range of interests that you can keep a conversation going with just about anyone?

8. Are you the kind of person who, if given the opportunity, can see the potential use of many things others might throw out as junk?

9. Do you enjoy mental challenges and find yourself seeking out these kinds of challenges to keep life enjoyable or to keep from being bored?

The Asserter (the Eight)

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

• Stand up for yourself... and me.

• Be confident, strong, and direct.

• Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.

• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.

• Give me space to be alone.

• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.

• I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.

• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Eight

• being independent and self-reliant

• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on

• being courageous, straightforward, and honest

• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life

• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me

• upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Eight

• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to

• being restless and impatient with others' incompetence

• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it

• never forgetting injuries or injustices

• putting too much pressure on myself

• getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Eights as Children Often

• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit

• are sometimes loners

• seize control so they won't be controlled

• fugure out others' weaknesses

• attack verbally or physically when provoked

• take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Eights as Parents

• are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted

• are sometimes overprotective

• can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Eight in Love 

Living with Eights:

• Eights like partners who are independent and strong, and they enjoy fighting, sex, and adventure as ways of making contact. Because Eights experience deep joy in sexuality, they are willing to match the partner's intensity.

• Their lust for life and desire for stimulation mean late hours, heavy entertainment, and binges. Too much, too loud, too many. If something's good then they want more of it.

• Eights' tendency toward excess, all or nothing, all work and no play, or all play and nothing gets done, may burden the partner with the task of keeping the different areas of life in balance.

• Episodes of strict control followed by disobedience are Eights' demonstrations of power. First they make the rules, then they break them to stimulate interest when boredom sets in.

• Eights need control and will therefore want to predict your intentions.

• Their fear of being controlled displaces into the territorial control of schedules, personal objects, and physical space.

• Because Eights cannot tolerate ambiguity or lack of information, your small oversights may be perceived as a betrayal of trust. They may feel that you've overlooked their options or left them out of a decision.

• When affected by softer emotions, can deny feelings by withdrawal, by claiming boredom, or by beginning a process of self-blame for past misdeeds.

• Eights rarely allow themselves to be hurt by others. If you hurt them emotionally, they will want to manipulate circumstances in order to get back. Thoughts of revenge will forestall their feelings of vulnerability.

• Partners will find Eights to be rallying points during difficulty, towers of strength in dangerous times.

Eight at Work 

In the Workplace:

• Controls the office hierarchy. Sets limits to ensure self-protection. Who's in charge? Is the leadership fair?

• May see compromise as weakness.

• Will assume leadership. The focus of attention goes to others who are strong contenders for control of the project, the firm, the loyalty of followers. Respects honest leadership. Likes a worthy opponent.

• Unwittingly polarizes people into factions. Wants to know where everyone stands. Will provoke to get clear answers.

• Concerned about justice and protection.

• Anger is direct. No hidden agenda. Holds no grudges if anger is expressed.

• "My way or the highway." Sees own opinion as the correct approach.

• Enforces rules that support personal advantage. Bends the rules that don't.

• Demands to be fully informed. Changes in details can stimulate concern about being manipulated.

Questions

1. Do you have clear and firm ideas about what is right and wrong in situations that are important to you?

2. Do you generally find that you need to be alert for people with hidden agendas?

3. Do you find that the most irritating and difficult people to deal with are those who beat around the bush and never directly say what is on their minds?

4. Would you agree that indecision is the greatest thief of opportunity and therefore a valid argument against getting caught in group decision making?

5. Are you at ease in leadership positions and find them falling naturally into your lap?

6. Do you find that others often simply expect or assume that you will take charge?

7. Do you think of yourself as a practical person who understands what it takes to get the job done?

8. Are you the kind of person who is unafraid to take a stand against injustice, especially injustice toward people who are unable to defend themselves?

9. Do you generally express your views just as intensely as you feel them and even feel exhilirated in a discussion in which everyone disagrees?

The Peacemaker (the Nine)

Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.

How to Get Along with Me

• If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure.

• I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advatage of this.

• Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.

• Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally.

• Ask me questions to help me get clear.

• Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.

• Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.

• I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.

• Let me know you like what I've done or said.

• Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.

What I Like About Being a Nine

• being nonjudgmental and accepting

• caring for and being concerned about others

• being able to relax and have a good time

• knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around

• my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator

• my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now

• being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe

What's Hard About Being a Nine

• being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive

• being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline

• being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally

• being confused about what I really want

• caring too much about what others will think of me

• not being listened to or taken seriously

Nines as Children Often

• feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant

• tune out a lot, especially when others argue

• are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves

Nines as Parents

• are supportive, kind, and warm

• are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

Nine in Love 

Living with Nines:

• Once a Nine merges with you it is hard to separate. Relationships can continue for years beyond the natural stopping point. Nines find it hard to give up memories of old relationships so that new ones can develop.

• You'll find that Nines divert attention from feelings by becoming preoccupied with unessentials. They search for alternatives to forestall arguments. they are often laconic and uncommunicative about what they really feel: "Let the unspoken remain unsaid."

• Nines retreat into habitual patterns and trivial concerns ("lots of little things to do") rather than really engaging in the relationship. Energy spreads to the mechanics of living together: the house repairs, the mortgage rate. As a Nine's partner, you will find yourself being the active agent for change.

• The Nine will say back what you want to hear. This does not imply that the Nine agrees with you. It's hard for Nines to say no because your needs sound louder than their own.

• Nines fantasize about merging with ideal partners and being swept into a new life. The flip side of merging with the lives of others is that the Nine blames you when things go wrong.

• Relationships deepen when the Nine can merge with you without any loss of personal identity.

Nine at Work 

In the Workplace:

• Relaxes in the absence of friction. Wants things to feel comfortable and to run without hassle. Wants the "job family" to get along. Has a deep desire to have good feelings on the job, between authority and employee.

• Flourishes in conditions of positive support, but avoids self-promotions. Wants recognition but will not ask.

• Likes procedures, lines of command, and rewards to be well defined. Likes to adjust own energy output to a predictable set of guidelines. No sudden surprises, please.

• Can go on automatic and produce a great deal of work. Suspends awareness of own agenda while following routine.

• Energized by a productive routine and other people's enthusiasm for projects.

• Wants a structure to support decisions. Doesn't like to make decisions. Goes by the book; keeps spontaneous decision making at a minimum.

• Cautionary in taking risks. Feels safer in known routes. Goes with what has worked in the past. Avoids risks that raise hopes, for fear of disappointment.

• Forestalls a decision by gathering information. Puts off essentials while the unessentials get done. Strategic use of deadlines produces magnificent last-minute saves.

• Feels overwhelmed with too much to do. Finds it hard to focus on a business priority when items of lesser importance seem like equally pressing concerns.

• Often ambivalent about authority. Has difficulty setting priorities and getting going, but is stubborn about taking directions from others.

• First expresses anger on the job covertly by ignoring the problem or shifting blame to the structure, to mismanagement, to other people at work.

Questions

1. Are you known as an easygoing, affable, common-sense kind of person even when inside you may be feeling very different?

2. Is there a place in your home that you find comfortable and relaxing and to which you generally gravitate to think, read, or relax?

3. Do arguments make you so uncomfortable that you avoid them, even to the point of walking out of the room when they begin?

4. Are you greatly attracted to outdoor activities, and do you find being in nature an almost sacred experience of freedom?

5. Do you feel that the best way to prevent trouble is to keep your thoughts to yourself and let the other person do the talking, even if you don't agree?

6. Do you see yourself as an independent person who can do what you need or want to do and not be swayed by group pressure?

7. Would you agree that in general people create most of their own difficulties because they take life too seriously and get all worked up over very minor things?

8. Do you enjoy thinking your way through puzzling questions, and do you often find practical answers to intricate problems?

9. When given the option, would you avoid sophisticated political or social gatherings, choosing instead the quieter, simpler pleasures of life?

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