Criteria for a Successful Essay



Criteria for a Successful Essay

Title of essay: How democratic was Great Britain by 1918?

Essay Grade: C

|Candidate Introduction |Success Criteria |Y/N |Teacher Comments/Targets/Suggestions |

| |Has the candidate … | | |

|By 1918 Britain had passed many laws to try and make Britain|provided a recognisable introductory paragraph?|Y |Pretty weak – sloppy sentence construction – irrelevant material. |

|a more democratic Country. A government being democratic | | |Needs to be more accurately phrased and devoid of “waffle”. |

|means people have the right to vote, the majority of | | | |

|citizens prevails, right to criticise the government and | | | |

|freedom of speech. The word democracy originates from Greek | | | |

|words 'demos' which means 'people and kratos' which means | | | |

|'authority or power'. | | | |

| |shown understanding of what the question is |N |Only the first sentence of introduction has any direct relation to the question. |

| |asking them to do? | |The rest of the introduction is unfocussed and risks going off at a tangent. |

| |put the question in context? |N | |

| |Including, if appropriate | |Makes no attempt to outline the situation prior to 1918. |

| |dates | |Includes only one date and , while it includes a definition, it is one of political |

| |definitions | |philosophy, rather than history. |

| |identified a range of factors to be addressed? |N |Does not outline any factors to be considered in greater depth in the main body of |

| | | |the essay. |

| |been able to provide a link to the development |N |Very weak – no attempt at linking sentences to lead from the introduction to the |

| |section/main part of essay? | |first paragraph of the main body. |

| |written the introduction in an interesting way?|N |Introduction weak – not structured in an engaging or accurate way – poorly |

| | | |constructed and largely irrelevant. |

|Candidate Development Paragraph 1 |Success Criteria |Y/N |Teacher Comments/Targets/Suggestions |

| |Has the candidate … | | |

|. The first major change to the British Government was in |written a clear topic sentence? |N |Initial sentence is weak – unrelated to the last sentence of the introduction and |

|1832 when the 1st Reform Act was passed: This enabled | | |lacks clarity/ accuracy of expression. |

|wealthy men in counties and towns the right to vote. Working| | | |

|class men didn't get to vote and either did women. Also | | | |

|plural voting was allowed and there was no secret ballot | | | |

|therefore people could get bribed. Many Politicians saw no | | | |

|problem with this system and saw no needs for amendments. | | | |

|Working class males didn't get the vote as they were | | | |

|perceived to lack education and not know how to use their | | | |

|vote efficiently. Women also didn't get the vote due to | | | |

|being perceived as lacking education. Other reasons why | | | |

|women didn't get the vote was because females brains are far| | | |

|smaller than a males and their role centred on being a wife,| | | |

|child-bearing and the domestic | | | |

| |explained the link between the factor & the | |Paragraph does not cover a single factor – it is instead a narrative jumble of |

| |question set? |N |various 19th political changes [ First, Second and Third Reform Acts and Secret |

| | | |Ballot Act] and makes no direct link back to the question. |

| |included evidence/examples/detail to support | |Details/examples are given, but to little effect- they are unconnected to any |

| |argument |Y |argument/question. |

| | | |Candidate just seems keen to show that she has remembered “stuff”. |

| |shown awareness of historical debate | |No historiography/awareness of points of historical contention/debate. |

| |e.g. some historians believe that … |N |No quotations. |

| |OR quotation | | |

| |used language of analysis e.g. however, on the | |Writing style completely narrative. |

| |other hand |N | |

| |provided a link to next factor/paragraph? |N |No attempt at linking sentence. |

|Candidate Development Paragraph 2 |Success Criteria |Y/N |Teacher Comments/Targets/Suggestions |

| |Has the candidate … | | |

| |written a clear topic sentence? |N |Again, no attempt at linkage. |

| | | | |

|Due to the death of the Liberal Prime Minister (Palmerston) | | | |

|Liberal reformers could now seize the chance to make | | | |

|amendments. Surprisingly it was the Conservative Leader | | | |

|Disraeli who came to power and passed a Reform Act in 1867. | | | |

|This enabled all householders men in towns to vote. Still | | | |

|only rich men in counties were able to vote. This changed a | | | |

|few years later when another law was passed which enabled | | | |

|all male householders in Counties and Burghs to vote. Still | | | |

|miners and agricultural workers weren't enabled to vote. No | | | |

|women still weren't allowed to vote. In these days women had| | | |

|little rights at all. Women weren't allowed to divorce their| | | |

|husbands but husbands were allowed to divorce their wives. | | | |

|Also if a woman’s husband passed away she would be left with| | | |

|nothing and after divorce the kids would be taken away from | | | |

|their mother. This changed when a law was passed which | | | |

|allowed a mother to see her children after divorce | | | |

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| |explained the link between the new factor & the| |This candidate does NOT seem to establish a clear set of factors relating to the |

| |question set? |N |question to be argued /covered in well-structured paragraphs. |

| | | |Material presented in unfocussed ,unrelated way. |

| | | |No attempt to bring material back to the question. |

| |included evidence/examples/detail to support | |Examples given do not relate to any discernible line of argument/ the question. |

| |argument |N | |

| |shown awareness of historical debate | |Very weak in this regard. |

| |e.g. some historians believe that … |N | |

| |OR quotation | | |

| |used language of analysis e.g. however, on the |N |Essay completely narrative in style. |

| |other hand | | |

| |provided a link to next factor/paragraph? |N |Again, no attempts at linkage / related back to the question. |

|Candidate Development Paragraph 3 |Success Criteria |Y/N |Teacher Comments/Targets/Suggestions |

| |Has the candidate … | | |

|In 1872 the Secret Ballot was passed. Due to the number of |written a clear topic sentence? |N |Opening sentence does not relate to the previous paragraph/ essay question. |

|people being bribed and feeling insecure voting in front of | | | |

|people a law was passed to enable all voting to be done in | | | |

|secret. The Representative Act was passed which allocated | | | |

|seats differently furthermore plural voting was | | | |

|discontinued, MPs got a wage, 1911, which enhanced Labour. | | | |

|The House of Lords had more power over the House of Commons | | | |

|which wasn't right as the House of Commons is the elected | | | |

|government. Therefore a law was passed to deduce the power | | | |

|by decreasing the amount of time the House of Lords could | | | |

|delay a bill by down to 1 year. | | | |

| | | | |

| |explained the link between the new factor & the| |Again, no relation of any paragraph-specific factor to previous paragraphs/the |

| |question set? |N |overall essay question. |

| |included evidence/examples/detail to support | |Examples/details set down in very unrelated and unfocussed way – no direct connection|

| |argument |Y |to the question. |

| |shown awareness of historical debate | |No awareness of points of contention. |

| |e.g. some historians believe that … |N | |

| |OR quotation | | |

| |used language of analysis e.g. however, on the | |Overall style highly narrative – reads like a badly written story. |

| |other hand |N | |

| |provided a link to next factor/paragraph? |N |No attempts at linkage. |

|Candidate Development Paragraph 4 |Success Criteria |Y/N |Teacher Comments/Targets/Suggestions |

| |Has the candidate … | | |

|From 1914 to 1918 was World War 1. During this time as a |written a clear topic sentence? |N |Again, no link to previous paragraph or to essay question. |

|high percentage of males had to leave and fight in the army,| | | |

|women had to take over most of these men’s regular jobs for | | | |

|four years. Because of the women the country was kept | | | |

|together as labour was still getting done and money was | | | |

|being made. By this it was proved that women could do a | | | |

|males job just as good. A law was passed which enabled all | | | |

|men over 21 to vote but only women over 30 who also owned | | | |

|property of a certain amount or was married to a man who | | | |

|owned property of a high value. | | | |

| |explained the link between the new factor & the| |No clearly identified factor/line of argument. |

| |question set? |N | |

| |included evidence/examples/detail to support | |Again, details not related to line of argument/essay question. |

| |argument |Y |Such as they are, they do not add anything of substance to the flow or strength of |

| | | |the essay. |

| |shown awareness of historical debate | |None. |

| |e.g. some historians believe that … | | |

| |OR quotation |N | |

| |used language of analysis e.g. however, on the | |No attempt at analysis – content to narrate. |

| |other hand |N | |

| |provided a link to next factor/paragraph? |N |No linkage/ “flashback” to essay question. |

|Candidate Development Paragraph 5 |Success Criteria |Y/N |Teacher Comments/Targets/Suggestions |

| |Has the candidate … | | |

|Before this during the early 20th Century suffragettes had |written a clear topic sentence? |N |No – paragraph opens in unconnected way – failure to relate to previous paragraph or |

|tried to gain more rights for women which included having | | |any line of argument. |

|the right to vote by peacefully methods such as writing | | | |

|letters. The suffragettes failed in winning women the vote. | | | |

|Also suffragists tried to achieve the same things as the | | | |

|suffragettes but used violent and controversial methods such| | | |

|as hunger strikes, they also failed. | | | |

| |explained the link between the new factor & the| |No clearly set out factors covered – seems jumbled and unrelated to question. |

| |question set? |N | |

| |included evidence/examples/detail to support | |Details do not relate to any clear line of argument. |

| |argument |Y | |

| |shown awareness of historical debate | |None. |

| |e.g. some historians believe that … |N | |

| |OR quotation | | |

| |used language of analysis e.g. however, on the | |Again, narrative. |

| |other hand |N | |

| |provided a link to next factor/paragraph? |N |No linkage/ line of argument. |

|Candidate Development Paragraph 6 |Success Criteria |Y/N |Teacher Comments/Targets/Suggestions |

| |Has the candidate … | | |

| |written a clear topic sentence? |N |Again, no direct and obvious link to either the previous paragraph or the essay |

| | | |question. |

| |explained the link between the new factor & the|N |No identified factor/ line of argument. |

| |question set? | | |

| |included evidence/examples/detail to support |Y |Details not related to essay question in clear and direct fashion –absence of |

| |argument | |analysis. |

| |shown awareness of historical debate |N |None |

| |e.g. some historians believe that … | | |

| |OR quotation | | |

| |used language of analysis e.g. however, on the |N |Very narrative in style. |

| |other hand | | |

| |provided a link to next factor/paragraph? |N |No linkage/relation to conclusion. |

|Candidate Conclusion |Success Criteria |Y/N |Teacher Comments/Targets/Suggestions |

| |Has the candidate … | | |

|By 1918 Britain was democratic as all men over 21 were able |provided a recognisable concluding paragraph? |Y |While recognisable as a concluding paragraph, does not properly fulfil the |

|to vote and some women over 30 were able to vote. Britain | | |requirements of a conclusion. |

|was democratic to a certain extent by 1918 as it only | | | |

|allowed wealthy women over 30 to vote, therefore it wasn't | | | |

|democratic as women didn't have the same rights as males. | | | |

|Ina democracy everyone is equal before the law and in this | | | |

|case males and females aren't equal before the law. But | | | |

|shortly after this in 1928 a law was passed which enabled | | | |

|every male and female to vote who was aged over 21. | | | |

| |summarised the main factors/argument | |No coverage of key factors/line of argument/relation to question. |

| |effectively? |N | |

| |made a supported judgement regarding the most | |No attempt to cover body of various factors, far less specify which was the most |

| |significant factor(s) |N |significant/had the greatest bearing upon the advance of democracy in Britain. |

| |a final sentence directly answering question | |No “punchy” concluding sentence attempting to draw together/ relate back to specific |

| |set using wording of question? |N |essay question. |

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