Persuasive Satire



Persuasive Satire

DUE DATES: Final Draft will be read to the class, and submitted in typed form to me after that reading starting on Monday, January 14th, 2013. The submission should be at least two typed pages, approx. 500 words. (12 point New Times Roman Font)

PROMPT: Using a satirical voice, write an essay about a controversial issue that persuades the audience of your viewpoint.

ORGANIZATION: Follow the guidelines of effective satire, as demonstrated in Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal”:

1) Provide an overview of the current problem or controversy.

2) Use facts and statistics to provide knowledgeable background.

3) Propose a ridiculous solution.

4) Create logical argument to support the proposed solution.

5) Conclude by summarizing points and emphatically restating your proposition.

TONE: The essay’s tone should be satirical. Here are some tips:

1) Remain objective, detached, and clinical, as though you’re being serious.

2) Keep your tone consistent throughout the essay.

3) Use logic to add credibility to your voice.

4) Never reveal your actual opinion on the issue.

STYLE: Be creative, drawing upon figurative language, analogies, relevant references, and other colorful phrasings—just don’t lose sight of your goal.

POSSIBLE TOPICS: As long as the topic is controversial—meaning there are at least two perspectives to the issue—you should be able to create a satire to express your points. E.g.

- Smoking in all Public Places Should/Should not be Banned

-Euthanasia Should be Legalized/Remain Banned

-Capital Punishment Should be Uniform in All Fifty States

-The Drinking Age Should be Lowered to Eighteen

EXAMPLES: Satire has been around since ancient Rome, and the form has been made famous by writers like Swift, Votaire (Candide), George Orwell (Animal Farm), Kurt Vonnegut Jr. (Cat’s Cradle), Joseph Heller (Catch-22), and Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club). Satire of pop culture and news media can also be observed in The Onion, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and Southpark.

DETAILS: Consider these areas when writing your first draft:

• Feel free to use 1st person where applicable. This piece requires substance and research as well as opinion, so only use 1st person when it makes sense to do so.

• Be specific in discussing the topic. Provide necessary background for the anonymous reader. Use researched materials to provide history, illustrations, and depth to the argument.

• If citing other authors to support points, use MLA style of citation for integrating source materials. Example: According to ’s Shirley Cyrius…

• Your essay should be approximately 500 words, double-spaced with 1-inch margins, effectively titled, properly headed, MLA-formatted, and impeccably proofread.

• Once completed, you will read your essay aloud to the class, at which point your writing will be assessed holistically—based on the work’s organization, tone, style, and plausible, if improbable, content.

Writing

3 December 2009

A New Brand of Punishment

Now illegal in the majority of U.S. states, corporal punishment, the use of physical force as punishment for school children, is a slowly dying phenomenon. Though many states, including California, New York, and Illinois, have outlawed the physical punishment of children in school, a whopping twenty states still practice it. Mostly southern states, they include Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Tennessee.

Corporal punishment can be applied in numerous fashions. Most commonly used is spanking, a process in which the punisher strikes the child on his or her buttocks repeatedly. The use of a paddle or a switch on the palms is also common. Opinions on the matter vary widely, but some of our more intelligent Americans seem to have a good handle on the situation. In a debate hosted by , one user, ThePyg3185, could be mistaken for a modern day Einstein when he said “there are so many kids out there that need to get the shit smacked out of them…seriously, how could you not smack some of these little shits…” A second user with the screen name iamdavidh seemed to surpass the intellectual capacity of his predecessor when he said “Yeah, kids are out of control. Spank the shit out of them. There's nothing permanent about a few slaps on the ass, and sometimes it's the only way to get the annoying little bastards to listen I think.” The actual implementation of corporal punishment varies widely between the states that still permit it. Alabama, the lead distributor of corporal punishment, has hit an annual total of 33,716 children, 4.5% of their total student population.

This meager number shows a lack of any fortitude in the United States school systems. Teachers these days are walked on by obnoxious and disrespectful students who have obviously learned nothing about respect for their superiors. A new policy must be put into place. A slap on the rump can indeed be a shock, but a shock that only lasts a few seconds. Students need a permanent reminder. Something that will stop them dead in their tracks the next time they even begin to think about acting out in school. Luckily for us, that reminder is no farther than a bent coat hanger away.

The searing pain of a flaming iron combined with a gruesome permanent scar is enough to scare the god forsaken crap out of even the most unruly little deviant. Permanent brands are a perfect way to discipline America’s uncontrollable youth as they will serve as a strong reminder if ever the child is tempted to misbehave again.

One might ask, wouldn’t this ultimately just slow down the educational process? Won’t fornicating our children with fiery hot sticks of metal only distract teachers from actually getting the lesson across to our eager to learn youngsters? In response to this would be problem, the first Monday of every month will be deemed a “branding day,” in which all students who have received poor marks from teachers will be herded into the auditorium to receive their brands. A viewing section will be set up for faculty, parents, or other students wishing to view the affair. Upon walking through the door, students due for branding will be issued a cow suit that must be worn while they receive their punishment. To make it easier on them, the kids will be allowed to choose what message will be scorched into their soft skin. Preset phrases and symbols will range anywhere from “I’ve been a bad, bad boy” to “Property of Mr. Rogers.” Kids will also be required to make a loud mooing noise, reminiscent of a cow, causing any shred of dignity they have remaining to quickly disappear. Children caught excreting feces in their holding pens out of pure terror will be subject to an additional brand allowing other students around campus to see whether or not they were man enough to endure the punishment.

Although some may have reserves about a policy such as this, the changes are necessary to ensure a well behaved student body. Branding students will allow teachers to have a stronger intimidation factor in the classroom so that rowdy kids will not disrupt the flow of learning for others. Brands are a great way to reprimand children because they will act as a reminder next time a student considers getting wise with a teacher.

Students today, these young adults will soon be the next generation of our country. Without proper discipline and control, achieving success in the real world will likely be close to impossible. If however, the future adults of America all have a tramp stamp mutilated into their skin, they will likely grow up to be intellectual adults all capable of making this world a better place.

Writing

January 10, 2009

An Intelligent Disguise

Since the late 1800s, Darwin’s Theory of Evolution has been widely accepted by scientists and teachers. With physical evidence in the modern world as support, it has been taught in schools as the most plausible theory for life on Earth. More recently, the theory has been under fire. A school board in Georgia voted to put disclaimer stickers on biology books that warned that evolution is "a theory, not a fact [and] … should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered." The sticker went on to suggest that teaching Creationism would be a viable alternative. Because of this, the district court of appeals placed a ban on the stickers because they violated the First Amendment’s establishment clause by implementing a public program that advanced a particular religion. The courts are not like-minded in all states. In Kansas, school boards have been criticized for completely replacing evolution with creationism. Opponents of creationism argue that creationism is only being taught in schools to promote religious beliefs, and has no scientific merit. To dampen this argument, creationists soon dropped the term and adopted a more intelligent sounding name: Intelligent Design. With the name change alone, the teaching of the theory has gained new ground. The newly named “Intelligent Design” more often slips under the radar as it sounds less religious. Opponents predict that changing the name to sound slightly more scientific won’t help the theory of Intelligent Design to get its foot in the door of public education. It is based off of this argument that I offer a foolproof method of teaching Creationism in public schools. Instead of changing the name to sound slightly more scientific, the proper method is to change the name sound really scientific. Teaching a program called The Academic Method of Particularly Systematic Omnipotent Formation and Technical Bio-Construction Analysis will be an easy sell. Just as proponents of Creationism did with Intelligent Design, the key to teaching Creationism in schools is to simply disguise religious ideas with inflated scientific-sounding vocabulary.

The veil of intelligence must not stop at the title. All of the material taught in the masked creationism class must be free of religious identifying words. If the teachings of the bible are not completely disguised as scientific lessons, the practice of teaching A.M.P.S.O.F.T.B.C.A. may be found unlawful under the U.S. Constitution. In order to avoid this petty annoyance, it is of the highest importance that we modify the text and appearance of the Bible for this class. I believe the first step would be to feature a high-gloss picture of a caterpillar on a leaf as the cover of the new Bible. Next, the title must be changed to something more undetectable like The Un-Spiritual Logic Based Text Book of Life Study. I also recommend placing a disclaimer sticker on the front cover that reads “Warning: The study of this material may lead to stunning breakthroughs about the physical world in which one exists. The presentation of this material is best absorbed after reading the scientific theorem that follows. ‘Our molecule, who art in matter, hallowed be thy subatomic particle….’” And so on. The sticker may also include a scratch and sniff function to attract younger students, preferably communion bread or red wine flavor.

If you only imagine the possibilities, rephrasing Creationism to sound more science based is the only way of getting around pesky legal implications that bar us from forcing our children to learn Christianity public schools. If you follow my suggestions, adapting Creationism to fit in the class schedules of every young girl and boy will be an easy process.

Satire: Writing Evaluation

Content

0 1 2 3 4 1. Does the author begin by providing an overview of the

current problem or controversial topic?

0 1 2 3 4 2. Do facts and statistics provide knowledgeable

background on the problem?

0 1 2 3 4 3. Does the author propose a ridiculous solution?

0 1 2 3 4 4. Does the tone of the writing remain objective,

detached and clinical?

0 1 2 3 4 5. Does the author provide logical arguments to support

the proposed solution?

0 1 2 3 4 6. Is the author’s actual opinion concealed?

0 1 2 3 4 7. Is the author’s satirical tone consistent throughout the

entire essay?

0 1 2 3 4 8. Is sarcasm used intelligently with desired effect?

Proofreading

0 1 2 3 4 1. Are all sentences complete, avoiding comma splices,

run-ons and fragments?

0 1 2 3 4 2. Is the verb tense consistent throughout?

0 1 2 3 4 3. Are punctuation marks and capitals used correctly?

0 1 2 3 4 4. Are the words spelled and used correctly?

0 1 2 3 4 5. Are the paragraphs indented?

0 1 2 3 4 6. Are transitions used to tie ideas together?

Satire: Writing Evaluation

Content

0 1 2 3 4 1. Does the author begin by providing an overview of the

current problem or controversial topic?

0 1 2 3 4 2. Do facts and statistics provide knowledgeable

background on the problem?

0 1 2 3 4 3. Does the author propose a ridiculous solution?

0 1 2 3 4 4. Does the tone of the writing remain objective,

detached and clinical?

0 1 2 3 4 5. Does the author provide logical arguments to support

the proposed solution?

0 1 2 3 4 6. Is the author’s actual opinion concealed?

0 1 2 3 4 7. Is the author’s satirical tone consistent throughout the

entire essay?

0 1 2 3 4 8. Is sarcasm used intelligently with desired effect?

Delivery

0 1 2 3 4 9. Is the paper read in a clear, strong voice, evenly

pacing the reading and providing necessary emphasis?

0 1 2 3 4 10. Does the paper’s reading indicate a thoroughly

proofread final draft?

SCORE: /100

GRADE:

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