Maybe we can’t always have fun, Ma…But we sure have to try
Maybe we can’t always have fun, Ma…
but we sure have to try.
Being Happy Alone
By:
Nancy Weatherhead
"It's no good trying to get rid of your own aloneness. You've got to stick to it all your life. Only at times, at times, the gap will be filled in. At times! But you have to wait for the times. Accept your own aloneness and stick to it, all your life. And then accept the times when the gap is filled in, when they come. But they've got to come. You can't force them."
- D. H. Lawrence
I love
To be
Alone,
I’ve never found
The companion
That was
So companionable
As solitude.
-Thoreau
“Two are better than one;
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall,
The one will lift up his fellow:
But woe to him that is alone when he falleth;
For he hath not another to help him up."
- Bible: Ecclesiastes 4:9
Oh, the dilemma.
How I Learned to Be Happy Alone
Let’s Start at the Beginning, A Very Good Place to Start
What a lucky gal you are. The gift of solitude has been bestowed upon you and it is yours for the taking. Just think, like gold, a few minutes alone is a precious treasure sought by all. Yoo-hoo! You get to do this a lot!! Don’t let the others fool you. They are secretly wishing for a chance to be alone, to figure out what happened to the dreamer they once were. Remember that girl? The one who had hopes and passions long forgotten? You can actually go find her. Yes, I know solitude has been forced upon you, your resources have been depleted, and your responsibilities have doubled. I know being alone is something that frightens and worries you, but if you change your perspective the world goes from doom and gloom to a place of giddiness and hope. Plato said, ‘Reality is created by the mind. We change our reality by changing our mind.’ This time alone is a good thing if you let it be. Hopefully it’s only temporary, but if it’s not so be it. At least you will have good company with you along the way. You! How exciting is that?
I have written this book in sections. It begins with the ‘Business’ part of life then moves on to the ‘Fun’. The first section is a bit heavy so if you need to get active to dig yourself out of the rut that you’re stuck in, scoot to the middle where suggestions for an active life are given. The numbered bits of advice found within these pages are lessons for living alone. These words of wisdom took me years to discover. Interspersed within the ‘Fun’ section are ideas to get you busy and to help you start dreaming again. At mid-life it’s not easy to start over. The white-picket fence didn’t work out and for most of us the six-figure income is only a joke. Shattered dreams can leave us lost, but instead of giving up, with experience and a shot of reality behind us, it’s time to start dreaming again.
The goal of this book is to lead you in many directions. Perhaps you’ll begin studying one area and develop an obsession for something new. Getting active is the only way to discover what makes you come alive. You might find an artistic endeavor to stimulate your mind, or you may find your calling on a spiritual path. Maybe an interest in history will beckon you, or you might be tempted to try a sport you’ve been following for some time. You won’t know until you get involved. I never dreamed I would find so much joy in writing and now low and behold here I write. Whatever you choose to do you must do it with verve. There is so much to learn, so much to do, and so much to see. Edison said, ‘We don’t know a millionth of one percent about anything.’ What a waste! Sitting home moping is no longer an option. It’s time to get up and start living. You’ll have plenty of time for doing nothing when you’re dead.
Preface
I am going to preface the following section with a word of caution. My friend, when she first read my story, told me it is awful. I hate to start a book with an unpleasant beginning, especially when it’s been written to give hope, but without my story you would not know how I have suffered and without my recount my ‘expertise’ could not be validated. I tried to tell my tale near the end of this book following my hope-filled writing, but it seemed misplaced and a little too late, irrelevant if you will, by the time you got to it. I know my story, as unpleasant as it may be for some folks to read – especially my family and friends - it has to be told.
The purpose of this book is to help others. That’s all. I am not writing to earn anyone’s pity or to make others feel bad. And I certainly did not spend years on this project so that one day I might be included. I wouldn’t go now if suddenly I was invited. This is not a compilation of my woe is me blues, but it is a purpose-filled attempt to help others who find themselves living their lives all alone. The few folks with whom I have already shared my story analyzed me to death. I don’t need therapy. The professionals have already helped me learn how to deal with life’s disappointments. If I could personally get anything out of this book, it would be to find a group of creative, passionate souls who share interests similar to mine.
In the following pages I do admit that I have written an awful lot about myself. If I’ve learned anything throughout my years I have learned great humility. I’m not nearly as admired, nor as popular as I once thought myself to be. And although I still think myself pretty fantastic, I don’t consider me to be any more incredible than anyone else that I know. I do have a story to tell, however, and in that story I tell a lot about my life, not because I’m all that exciting - I’m not - nor because I’ve got a tremendous story – I don’t – and I don’t even tell because I’m ‘Little Miss Perfect’ who always gets it right. I am human, greatly flawed and quite imperfect in my perfection. I have, however, learned to find contentment alone and how got to this place of fulfillment is something I believe is important enough to share.
Before you start to think I am advocating a life of seclusion I want to make it clear that living alone was never a part of my plan. I’d rather be happily married while surrounded by friends who laugh and build dreams for tomorrow. That’s what I bargained for when I said those two little words, ‘I do’, but that is not what I got.
I also must make clear my use of the word ‘friend’. I believe the word takes different meaning depending on where you’re from. Where I once lived my friends were my surrogate family. Had I stayed I know without a doubt I would never have spent so much time alone. In these pages when I say I don’t have friends I’m talking about the kind who call you up, invite you out, push you out on dates (you don’t want to go on), and who would never consider leaving you alone for a weekend much less every holiday for over a decade. I’m talking about those do or die pals who help weather life’s storms. I’ve been through the storm and I’m saddened to say I traveled through most of it alone coming out of it a completely different woman.
If you’re reading this book you probably have a better appreciation for what I experienced than my friend who thought my tale horrible and was never the target of divorce. Maybe you will see yourself in my story and if you do I hope in time you will find happiness beyond your present circumstances. I expect your tale is atrocious. At one time so was mine. Now year’s beyond my pain it’s easier to accept the mess I made of my life while I work toward building a brand new one that suits me so much better. There was a time I thought my life was tragic. Now, most days, I’m grateful for having the chance to enjoy the blessings I have been given. I love this gift of life more than I can ever put into words.
Regardless of my many setbacks it doesn’t change the fact that life for a single, middle-aged mother is not easy. We’re the forgotten people with twice the struggles and half the resources of our peers. We don’t fit-in in this world made for couples. The demands from raising our children and maintaining a home are at least doubled and support is non-existent when we find ourselves living alone. Never-ending fights with the man who once meant the world to us anger and confuse us as we try to figure out who replaced our kind and loving husband. Men our age are more interested in women our children’s age while men who give us ‘the eye’ are the age of our fathers. Our priorities change once our standard of living has been halved and so does our social status. Crisis, no matter the severity, have to be faced alone. We change because of divorce. Some of us come out on the other side, but some of us never get beyond the hurt and betrayal that completely altered our life as we knew it. We’ve lost so much. Then to top it all off loneliness sets in infecting our heart until we start to believe we no longer matter to anyone, any more.
Mother Teresa said, ‘Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.’ Loneliness brings pain and sadness I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It eats at your self-worth, it can harden your heart, and make you so depressed you don’t know how you can make it through another day. Why bother you ask yourself, if this is all life has to offer?
My Life, My Loneliness, My Story
The word ‘happiness’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.
– Carl Jung
Fifteen years ago, my family and I set out on a life changing adventure. We’d grown tired of the month-to-month life worried about how our bills would be paid, so when we were offered a job to come to America we knew we couldn’t refuse. We were anxious of course. It was a tremendous risk we were taking, but that didn’t matter to us. There was something much bigger than the promise of a healthy wallet tempting our thrill-seeking souls. We had grown antsy, bored of the life we’d created, and we were itching for a brand new beginning. So when that door of opportunity started banging, curiosity, faith, and a hope for great excitement were all too tempting to ignore. We packed up our house, boarded a plane, and headed down south to create for ourselves the famous American Dream. If we were successful how perfect, but if it crumbled beneath us we’d still have each other and that was good enough for me.
Many years later, I can tell you it’s been an experience though hardly the one I imagined. True enough, the first two years were blissful, at least for me. I felt at home immediately. We had discovered a place that welcomed us with wide-opened arms, where the sun always shines, and friends were easy to make. At once we were loved, accepted, included, and life couldn’t have been any better. I truly believed we had found our own piece of heaven on Earth. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Although I was happy, content with our move, my husband was living in his own personal and very private hell. Something had to give, and when it did the man of my dreams chose to go after a dream that had no place for me any longer.
Life is strange. It seems that in a single second the life I knew fell apart. Of course that isn’t true. My marriage had been collapsing from the moment we said our vows, but the change that came upon me pivoted on one single moment. All I can say is be careful for what you wish. On November seventeenth I was a bored stay-at-home soccer mom filling her restless days doing chores, and tending to the children. I couldn’t help but wish for some kind of excitement. I clearly remember praying and asking for something new and different to do. Then came November eighteenth, at around eight o’clock in the evening, while dealing with two sick children, my adventure finally began. That’s when I found out hubby had other plans for his future, and those plans did not include me. Life was indeed about to happen. Author Joan Didion said, ‘Life changes fast. Life changes in an instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.’ And so it did.
I was bored in November, but by January I was a student enrolled in twenty-two hours of classes, working part-time, fighting for my life in divorce court, caring for my children alone (ages nine, eight, and five), while sharing them every other weekend with a stranger who said he was their father. This same man is the guy who introduced our children to his boyfriend he had met online. I was the only one who took care of the home, the lessons, the yard, and the kids. I had very little support, but I wasn’t bored any longer. Life came and life came fast. Survive mode was the only way to go otherwise I would have drowned in the deluge that quickly came upon me. The only thinking I had time for was assigned by professors, or for what demanded my attention that very minute. I had no time to worry about how lonely my life would become. I literally spent every waking second for the next two years working. There was no fun - ever. My oh my, how my life had changed.
Many, many moons ago, back in those once upon-a-time days, I was included on the ‘A’ list of respectable, high-falutin’ people. For thirteen years, I socialized weekly with intelligent, interesting, professional women and men. My husband, a doctor, and I, a stay-at-home mom, hosted our share of get-togethers, and our calendars were never empty. Busy we were and popular to boot. Then came divorce and with it everything changed.
Since my husband left, thirteen years ago, rather than socializing with the best and the brightest our town has to offer, I’ve spent nearly every other weekend completely alone. Christmases, too many to count, I share with my friend, Chardonnay, once the boys leave to be with their dad. I gave up celebrating holidays eons ago if my kids weren’t scheduled to be with me because making merry by myself only banged into my head that I was pitiful and I was alone. Throughout the years I’ve hosted many parties in hopes of being included on somebody’s (anybody’s) list and can tally the reciprocated invitations in all this time on my fingers and my toes, and it still comes to less than two a year. I gave up hosting parties ages ago when I felt I was investing too much time and money in one-sided friendships that left me feeling empty and even more alone. I am a teacher. I am not rich and I meet zero eligible men. The last time I spent quality time with a man he happened to be a husband. I’m a northern gal in a southern town – the differences are incredible – and (this one needs no explanation), I am a blue girl in a very red state. As a twice divorced, single-mama in Bible Belt, USA, take my word - I know what it’s like to be alone.
Years ago, when my husband left, it became my job to take control. My role had shifted from being a passive aggressive wife to the leader of the family. I couldn’t depend on my husband. He was choosing to leave his family – or in his words he was choosing to leave me - preferring the company of his lover. He had new interests occupying his time and he was not the least bit interested in me. I had been a thorn in his side for so long he couldn’t get rid of me fast enough. As he saw it, our failed marriage was completely my fault, so what was I to do? I was alone in a country with more than three hundred million people, and with only one cousin a thousand miles away, I had no one with whom to depend. The friendships I had made were only two years strong, not tough enough to count on when push comes to shove, or at least that’s what I thought.
Fortunately, I was blessed to have a husband and wife duo come to my rescue. They helped me in ways that went above and beyond what any one else would have done. Because of their support I was able to find courage each morning and in turn my children grew into three fine young men. These friends were my angels who helped me get back on my feet. They did the ground work to register me for school and facilitated in the process of creating for me a part-time job at our church. They baby-sat when my regular sitter cancelled and joined me at the lawyer’s office when I was up against another battle I knew I couldn’t win. More than anything they listened. Without their assistance I would not have survived and our family would have been ruined. To this day I thank God for all they did to help us and I will eternally be grateful for their support. I’m also thankful for the other ways I was helped in getting over that first heartbreak.
Anger! What a blessing. I can’t believe the fury I felt toward Husband the First when the truth was revealed, so I don’t expect you to understand. Imagine my relief when all was exposed and I knew without a doubt that I was not the cause of our cancerous union which for years he wanted me to believe. Still the rage I felt was unprecedented. Never in my life have I experienced such hatred. Because I loathed him to the core of his being for what he did to us, any love I ever had for the man disappeared completely upon learning the depths of his deception. Without a thought for me, or the children, he brought us to America to find himself. He had his plan. One that didn’t include us. The children would be fine. They had yet to start their future. My outlook, however, was quite another story. I had to put together a whole new foundation – immediately - to support a brand new life a month before I never considered living and he didn’t care, not in the least. Not only was my future something I feared facing alone but everything about our thirteen years of marriage felt like one humungous, big, fat lie. It didn’t take me long to get over his sorry ass. I felt horribly betrayed, nothing more than a vessel to carry his children, an accessory to what he considered his perfect life. I was his roommate at best, and a surrogate/nanny at worse. Husband the First lost his place in my heart almost immediately when I knew I had been duped. Husband the First made me more vehement than I have ever been and he made me strong. Husband the Second, whom I was married to for only a fraction of the time, was the one who made this grown woman fall apart. Let me tell you that was no picnic. He conned me too but my life wasn’t completely invested in his like it was with Husband the First. Anger wasn’t there to help me face his betrayal. All that was left was the pain.
A year after my first divorce was finalized, I met again (after nearly two decades) at our high school reunion, Husband the Second. We chatted on-line, got together for a week, and were married in less than a year. I know, I know. I’ve heard it all before but remember I had virtually no friends, no family to depend upon, and I live in a town where not a soul thinks like I. I was pitiful and oh so sad. My heart was heavier than I thought I could stand. I was desperately lonesome and he was the only man in years who had shown me any real interest. He had even called me up the year before upon hearing of my divorce. What was I to think? I had spent three years praying, and asking the good Lord to bless me with a kind and decent man. It seemed this guy was the gift for which I was waiting. He had been a good friend in high school, one who had a crush on me throughout our teenage years. He felt right. He reminded me of our carefree childhood and I believed in our love even if it was the kind of love reserved for a trusted friend. I was convinced we could live our years happily together. Forget about the fact that he’d spent his entire life living the sex, drugs, and (listening to) rock and roll lifestyle. Forget that he hadn’t been married in nearly twenty years and that his first wife gave him up a long time ago. Forget that he lived in Europe and couldn’t live with me until the immigration process was finalized. Forget all the baggage I knew he owned, plus my own and forget that everyone I knew warned me to slow down. We were in love and isn’t that all that mattered? And if it wasn’t love, we were at least head over heels in like. That was good enough for a second go round wasn’t it? After all I knew the guy, didn’t I? Yikes! Let me tell you I was the only one who was surprised when he walked out of my life forever. No one else was stunned, but what shocked all of us was that in his leaving I nearly lost my way.
The truth of the matter is as a husband he wasn’t worth the spit I’d use to wash the dirt off the bottom of my shoes and I knew it. This guy, the guy I’d never date in high school but chose to give my hand, is a player and a very selfish man. I have no idea why he married me. Maybe I was a conquest he couldn’t win in high school – something to cross off his ‘to-do’ list. Who knows? That was a very a long time ago. Maybe his original intentions were good, but having been a bachelor for so long he couldn’t handle the responsibilities required to make a marriage work. Or maybe he realized I wasn’t quite as perfect as he had imagined me to be when he was just a kid. Whatever the reason he wanted to marry me it became pretty clear right from the day we said our vows that he had no plans of being an equal partner. Nearly immediately he went from being the man who pledged to help his over-worked wife to the guy who spent most visits in front of the TV – all day long, one week after the next, creating more work rather than less! I was appalled by such laziness, but said little. He was not to be confronted. The one summer he did help around the house I asked him to clear a small area. He did yard work alright, work I told him I’d never have time to maintain, but the one treed area I asked him to clear it’s still standing. All the work he did, just as I told him, has grown back. I was worried let me tell you. This wasn’t the guy he pretended to be when we got together.
My reaction to his dumping me was frightening. Even though I knew the marriage was toxic the depression that consumed me when he left nearly became my undoing. I was terrified of his move to America, but so desperately wanting it. I was afraid he would be abusive, but I didn’t want to be alone. When I spent my days riddled with pain from the break-up it didn’t make a lick of sense. I ate nothing, I never slept, and I couldn’t function. Literally I was losing a dress size a week, and although I lost weight both times this was a very different battle from the first round I’d gone through. This heartbreak broke me to a point where I was afraid I would never be repaired. This guy was my rebound man and he tore down the dam that held my emotionally damaged heart together. He was the one who made me face the cold hard fact that I am truly, totally and utterly all alone. He wasn’t the cause of my downfall. He was the catalyst. The fear I had that no one cared, that I would be alone forever – that fear – that reality - is what nearly sent me over the edge.
I was not treated well by either husband when they left. The first, rather than apologetic for how he took me down in his struggle to find himself, still blames me for his years of unhappiness. In his words anyone who lived with an ice queen like me couldn’t help but turn gay. I became his nemesis and I could not understand why. I would have let him go, to be happy, and continue to welcome him into our family, and deep, deep down inside he knows that this is true. I understood his angst because I was unhappy with our relationship too, but he blamed everything on me and that made no sense whatsoever. He did not allow me my anger. He wanted my support immediately, the very night he told me, and that I could not give. I had no idea what was going to happen and where life was about to take us. I knew he was feeding me half-truths and I was scared. When it became clear he perceived me to be his enemy I did what I had to do to protect the financial future of our family and it wasn’t long until we were in a full-scale war. The only apology I ever received from the man was in a fit of rage and after an email I received last night, after having no contact with him for months and being divorced for over a decade, it’s safe to assume he still blames me. I don’t get it. I never will. Husband the Second dumped me in an email. Can you understand why I prefer to be alone?
Creina Alcock in My Traitor’s Heart said, ‘I felt utterly betrayed by loving. All the things I had ever been told about love just weren’t true. It was full of false promises. I understood that love was a safety and a protection, and that if you loved you would be rewarded by someone loving you back, or at least not wanting to damage you. But it wasn’t true, any of it.’ These two men, two men I gave my heart, completely changed my view of love. It got so bad I grew afraid of loving my own children, fearful they would walk out of my life just like my men. I clearly remember telling myself not to care so much about my boys because if I did and they did not want my love, I would be completely ruined. I had to get over that kind of thinking because they needed me more than ever. It was a very difficult time for us all.
Love for me has never been bluebirds and butterflies. Love for me has always been based on abuse or neglect. I grew up being told I wasn’t good enough for anyone, so I married the first guy who asked. Neither of us knew ourselves well enough to commit to the other. Neither of us had any business tying the knot. Two damaged souls we were trying to build a life together and that is not a recipe for success.
Following my divorces I had to take a good long hard look at my life. Everything I had ever believed about life no longer made sense. Love became meaningless, sex a sporting event, men were not to be trusted – truly malevolent in my reality – I no longer knew who God was, or if there was a God and forget about who I was. I had no idea. I found myself in a town without a soul who could possibly understand my loneliness and pain. It was rough. The hardest reality I had to face was that I was so dang easy to forget. Husbands didn’t want me, and friends no longer called. Confusion and fear kept me from thinking clearly. I was worried to death that I would be spending my golden years in a town where I hadn’t felt a part since Husband the First was around. The respectable, high-falutin’ people with whom I once spent so much time had been gone for years. Now Husband the Second, my hope for escape from what I perceived to be a living hell was never going to come to my rescue. I was at the lowest I have ever been in my life. I couldn’t see any light at the end of the isolating, hurtful tunnel in which I perceived my world. All I saw was emptiness scattered here and there with a flicker of hope in the distance.
My closest friend in town called on me daily, and visited when she could. A true and trusted pal she has been every since I met her. My mother kept in touch and was always patient with my heart-wrenching sadness. Too far away to distract me from my hurt, my Canadian allies endured my wretchedness as best they could. It was hard. The husbands? Big deal. The demons that were swallowing me whole had little to do with them. The truth of the matter is I was deathly afraid of being alone. I was frightened of being a failure and scared I couldn’t stand spending the rest of my life with me as my very best friend – what would I do with myself? I had to face the hard reality that I was now one hundred percent responsible for one hundred percent of my life. I had never made decisions on my own. I had always gone along for the ride. Off to America I went because he wanted to come. Off to school to become a teacher because my friends thought it was best. When my second husband asked me to marry him, my first reaction was, ‘Hell, why not?’ I would go wherever anyone wanted to go simply because they asked. I couldn’t stand up for myself let alone think for myself. How in the world was I ever going to survive without someone else leading the way?
Finding a new sweetheart wasn’t an option. I was damaged, and because of my hurt very unattractive to the opposite sex. Let’s face it, they were pretty unappealing to me as well. I was sick of the way men treated me and until I could figure out my dysfunction I wasn’t willing to play that game of love again. Without a choice I had to face my reality head-on, and find a way to be happy alone. I had to figure out how to fill my time, and fix my broken spirit. I had to learn how to love me even if others did not. I had to let everyone, husbands and friends, go their way without blaming them for my unhappiness or depending on them for my joy. It was a long battle and even though it took nearly ten years for me to go from a dependent woman to an independent mama the extended, sad haul was so worth the struggle.
Times have changed. I’m still alone more often than I’d like, but tonight I sit years beyond my last betrayal and I can’t remember the last time I suffered a bout of the blues solely because I am alone. We all have our limit as to how much time we can spend by ourselves and even though I have figured out how to be happy alone there are still times I get lonesome. I made it twenty-one days this summer before I craved adult contact. As a teacher on summer holidays I literally spent twenty-one days without sharing that time with anyone but my son. I didn’t set a goal to see how long I’d last. I didn’t even know it had been that long until I got restless and realized, according to my journal, I hadn’t talked to anyone, except my son or the Wal-mart clerks, in that amount of time. I knew I had to get out with someone to shake the restless feeling that was beginning to grow before the blues had a chance to take root. I called a pal, we did lunch, and all was good again.
Twenty-one days is a huge improvement from my early years as a single mama when I needed to believe on the hour that someone, PLEASE God, anyone, love me. Literally, within a week after hearing the juice of the drama unfolding in my life the A-list crowd was gone. I suppose they stayed true to the one who would remain in their social circle though I don’t know. For a couple of years, because our children were great pals, my kids and I spent time with the husband and wife duo who helped me get my life on track. When our kids lost interest in one another that friendship fizzled away. Even though I still needed their companionship I began to realize their main concern was for my children, and not for me. I am glad they were there for my kids, but I still needed someone for myself. I still wanted a place to belong.
I tried, let me tell you, I tried hard to make friends in this town. Whatever I did, however hard I worked to become a part of something and to invite people in, it just didn’t happen. I didn’t smother, I didn’t cling, I didn’t insist folks do things my way. I was polite, welcoming, and thoughtful of their concerns, and nothing happened. I’d throw parties for women because they never wanted to bring their men. In time I grew bored of these get-togethers feeling a sense of hollowness after each and every one and rarely did I receive an invitation in return. Often I’d be invited to money-making parties (I never attended), but hardly ever to dinner or a get-together. I had gone to church every week for nine years where volunteering was always expected, a meal for a mama with a broken foot or a hysterectomy, but nothing for a woman whose entire life came crashing down. I’d email ‘friends’ and ask for help. Almost every single request was ignored. That I will never understand – especially from the Bible Belt. The husbands I could do without. The friendships, the camaraderie, the support system, that’s what I needed to be happy, but nearly every single bit of it disappeared with the husbands when they left.
If you’re asking, ‘Why didn’t she just go back to Canada?’ That’s a really good question and my original idea when Husband the First left. My ex was pretty smart when he brought us here because the only way I could go back home, according to my lawyer, was if I paid for flights every other weekend so the children could visit their dad. I had been a stay-at-home mom for nine years. I couldn’t afford such an expense. Not to mention the fear of sending three small children, twice a month, across the border on connecting flights through Toronto. Have you ever been in that airport? That would be nothing short of two breakdowns a month. It wasn’t an option.
Truth be told I couldn’t go back home. I had to learn to become an independent woman. If I moved back to my roots I’d be anything but. I had nowhere to go. I was stuck right where I found myself alone on an adventure for two. It’s true, throughout my victim years, I felt like a prisoner trapped in this country. If my lawyer was right, I am unable to leave this country with my children until the youngest turns eighteen. That’s really scary when you think about it. Then, if I go at nearly fifty, I’ll have to start all over again – imagine the competition - and this time without my kids. I’ve paid an extremely high price, for those two little words, ‘I do’.
My frustration isn’t about America versus Canada. Both are great countries and I have been blessed to call each home. My disappointment stems from being required to live my life without a support system. I love this country, just as I love Canada. It’s the camaraderie, the friendship, the feeling of belonging I’ve lost and I don’t suppose I’d find that back home again either. Times, and I, have changed.
Once upon a time I was a ‘party’ gal who came alive while spending time with others. Described as the ‘bubbly’ girl, who probably annoyed many but included all, I always had something going on and would find any excuse for a get-together. The more the merrier was my philosophy because I thought it my job to bring people together, to forge strong-friendships, and to develop a support system for everyone to enjoy. Doug, a college friend, once told me he couldn’t imagine me living my life not surrounded by friends and now here I sit alone, most times preferring my solitude. How strange life grows in the twists and turns that it leads us, and how strange it is that the people who know me today would hardly describe me as bubbly. Even more peculiar is that the one thing I once prided myself of having, charisma and an ability to bring people together, it was a false impression of who I really am. I was humbled. I thought I was good at building bonds with others, but I’m not any more. Not here at least. I cannot do it and I no longer try. I never thought I’d say it but I’m not the least bit interested, not here, not any more.
I can’t pretend to share values others hold dear to their hearts. I have to be true to myself and in that truth my solitude no longer saddens me, I choose it. I disagree with just about every person I know on nearly every issue that comes up in the town I live. I don’t do this to be contrary or because I think I’m better. I truly see the world through different eyes. The Polish journalist, Ryszard Kapuscinski told us, ‘And you must know this law of culture: two civilizations cannot know and understand one another well. You will start going deaf and blind.’ As unlikely as it might seem, there are plenty of differences between my original culture and the one in which I find myself today. I live in a town where very few people know the real me. My alliances here are conditioned on the unspoken understanding that I keep my contrary opinions to myself. That’s no fun. The men? I can live without. The support? I have none. I stand alone.
Finding peace alone in a place one doesn’t belong isn’t easy, and divorce makes that struggle even harder. Divorce stirs uneasiness. Few people want to get involved, afraid they are that a sad, overwrought, tragic soul will suck the life right out of them. Me too. I run from divorcees even though I know better. I don’t want their energy in my life and I understand just how selfish that sounds. But I’m not the only one. During both of my divorces I was rejected, excluded, and sometimes plain forgotten by nearly every person I know. People often told me they were praying for me, but never once thought to include me. I had been a popular gal my entire life and all of a sudden I was unseen, unnoticed, and invisible. You’d think I’d now have some compassion for those facing the darkness of divorce, and I do, but divorce scares me. I remember the cloud that hung over me all too well and I don’t want that kind of energy in my life ever again. Steinbeck said, ‘A sad soul can kill quicker than a germ’, and I am afraid my soul was a toxic thing to be around. Divorce isolates. Just like the lepers who are rejected by so many, so was I, and not just by my husbands. To survive, I had no choice. Like Oskar Schell in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, ‘I zipped myself all the way into the sleeping bag of myself.’ I closed the door to my heart and while my heart was sealed shut, that dark cloud lingered over me wherever I went. I had to do better and get rid of that gloom if I was ever going to be happy again. I had to learn to depend on me like I had never before depended.
I said, ‘Nancy, you are a good woman and a lot of fun. It’s a shame no one sees this in you. Go have fun. Go live your life. If others aren’t interested that doesn’t matter any more. Get interested in yourself and forget about trying to fit-in in this strange-to-you little town, this place that once felt like heaven. Instead right now start living. There is so much to do and learn. Take the bull by the horns, and get moving, and keep your eye set on that prize - the life you are wanting to live. Look around you. You are an outsider. You’re different. Enjoy your individuality and take pleasure in your freedom to be whomever you want to be. Think of all the people in your life who have ever said, ‘There’s something special about you.’ Not the men, but nearly every single boss (present one excluded), the many professors who admired your work, and the countless friends who have said for years, you’ve got something extraordinary. You now know as a teacher that extraordinary is rare, so take what these people said seriously. Think of what you can do in this life then go and get creative. Get living, get loving, and find in yourself that special je ne sais quoi that makes you come alive. There is so much more to life than what your married acquaintances live. Is there even one married relationship you covet? Sorry guys. I know you really don’t believe it, but there’s truly not a one. So go seek that life that gets your juices flowing and makes your heart skip a beat. Go find your niche and scratch it. It’s not a man you need, it’s life in yourself you need. A man would hold you down and tell you how and when to do the dishes!. It’s not friends you need. Friends will want to do things ‘their’ way and that’s just not an option any more. It’s a purpose you need and love and hope and all of those things are found in your head, nobody else’s, so go now and figure out who it is you are to become. Get busy making big, big plans for a life you can be proud to have owned.’
My mom once told me that of all of her five children I was the one who seemed to love life the most. How ironic that this great lover of life has spent so many years unhappy and all alone. It’s not like I was being passive letting life pass me by without trying to get involved. I tried hard to fit in and when that didn’t happen I had to make meaning of my situation. I began to think of this sentence of solitude as my personal, spiritual struggle. When I was able to see a purpose for my isolation the path became clearer and the fight lost most of its strength. I couldn’t keep fighting. The battle was destroying me. When I finally surrendered, when I stopped pushing back, I grew happier. Press your two hands together. Press hard then simply remove one from the battle. It truly is that simple.
Nearly all of us will lose something or someone near and dear to our hearts and when we do we either let that loss destroy us or we figure out how to survive. Our temptations can get the best of us leading us to do things we never before imagined, creating for ourselves a life that was never a part of our plan. My ex he was tempted. Unhappy, dissatisfied with life for a very long time he traded something more valuable to him than anything else in hopes of becoming authentic. I don’t judge him for leaving. I know he had to go, but he paid a huge price for his actions, no doubt one that was worth it.
I have also lost something. Aside from my children and my health, the things I valued most were my friends. They’re gone, nearly all of them. At one time I believed my friends were the most important people in the world and that we would always be there for each other. I thought I would die without them and I know a part of me did when they disappeared from my life. Now, I am very much alone in this world – except for my children. And although it was hard I don’t spend much time worrying about it any longer. I’ve run the course, and for now, until I can leave this place, I’d rather be left alone. Bridges, too many, have been burned in this town, but I can still see opportunity no matter how challenging my circumstances happen to be.
It’s possible that I am on the path I am meant to live, so I’d better take pleasure in it and stop whining about what I do not have. What I have may be as good as it gets and although that attitude sounds a tad bit like defeatism the reality is that what I have is really pretty good and I have no business complaining. I had beau coups of pity parties, enough to last a lifetime, and ended up with a husband I wouldn’t date in school. The marrieds don’t get it. I think they believe I am settling. I won’t ever ‘settle’ for a man again. D. H. Lawrence said, ‘There’s lots of good fish in the sea...maybe...but the vast masses seem to be mackerel or herring, and if you’re not mackerel or herring yourself you are likely to find very few good fish in the sea.’ I am convinced I am I’m a squid swimming in a sea of herring.
Certainly, I would be blessed if real love were to find me and if that never happens meeting one dear friend who could be Thelma to my Louise could be tremendous fun. For years I prayed and I prayed hard asking God to give me a good man. I gave up on that prayer after the last guy I married. I then asked for one terrific friend who shares my beliefs, could be my road trip partner, and would dare me to do things I would never do on my own. I didn’t think my wish list unreasonable, but my prayers went unanswered. Finally, I gave up afraid I might actually get what I asked for, and instead I prayed for peace. What I have now, that few I know possess, is the ability to be happy alone and now instead of wishing for someone to share my life I willingly accept my solitude. May Sarton said, ‘Loneliness is the poverty of self, solitude is the richness of self.’ I want pro-active, open-minded, goal-seeking, hope-filled people in my life. I am more this kind of person when I am by myself than when I am in the company of others where it seems all we do is complain.
If I can get to the other side of this loneliness there has to be a purpose to it. There are thousands, maybe more, living the same sad life I once lived and with so many depressed, and lonely people carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders maybe it is my duty and responsibility to share the lessons I have learned.
During my many years of unhappiness I spent a lot of time writing. I wrote mostly to make sense of my very sad life but also because it gave me something to do that cost nothing but time. Single ma’s you’ve probably figured out aren’t rolling in the dough. I needed to fill my hours and writing proved a great (and cheap) companion. For the first few years, after both break-ups, my writing was filled with misery. It reflected confusion, then despair, craziness, and oh so much anger and pain. Because of the therapy it provided I began to enjoy putting my thoughts on paper. Now that I have tamed the wild beasts of anger and dejection that lived so long inside my heart I write for fun and I write to share. This is my chance to give back to the world and to ensure that my life has meaning.
If my exes read this ‘tell all’ book I know the first will be angry that I dared write anything about our years together. That is who he is. But he should know better since this has always been me. The second husband will be irate that I let the bushes he cleared grow back. He’ll also deny that he ended our marriage on-line. Both will say I’m crazy. Both will probably call me a know-it-all and both might believe I still have love for them. I don’t. They’re mentioned in these pages only because they were a part of my life and unfortunately were the catalysts for my most difficult years. This is my story and how I perceive it, not theirs. I don’t intend to put them down or share our scandalous secrets. I hardly mention them within these pages. This book isn’t a ‘get-even’ tool and it’s not about them. Any ill wishes I had for either of them are long gone. Whatever they do I just hope and pray they don’t take anyone else down in their struggles. Life is short. I don’t want to carry anger in my heart and in writing this book I am trying to bring meaning to my misfortune. I gave nearly ten years of my life fighting my battle with loneliness. I have a vested interest in making those years count. For now they feel wasted and I can’t let that happen.
What my exes think of this book doesn’t matter. Other readers, however, should ask what makes me an ‘expert’ and question why they should listen to what I have to say. I’m not a psychologist, but I know how this works, at least how it worked for me. Some readers won’t like this book or my lessons and like my exes they’ll be asking, ‘Who does she think she is?’ That’s the way of the world. What worked for me might not work for someone else, but since I spend so much time alone I’ve had a lot of time to read, think, reflect, and learn how to cope with my disappointments. Some of my opinions might stir controversy. That’s good. It’s important to know ourselves well enough to stand up for our personal convictions. To my southern friends and acquaintances, before you judge me too harshly, I ask that you walk in my shoes. Imagine yourself thousands of miles from family, in the north, without even one honest to God through thick and through thin kind of friend, living amongst folks with whom you share very little of the fundamentals in common. If I sound condescending, I apologize, that’s not my goal. Also, I don’t care much for self-helps written in first person, so I express regret for my hypocrisy. This is my life I’m talking about and although it’s not filled with adventure it is for the most part filled with contentment. I’ll be the first to admit I don’t have all the answers. If I did I’d be married and happily so with friends banging at my door, a fabulous job, and the financial means to have a blast, a housekeeper, and a gardener. But that alone time, where I spend so much of my life, is what I have learned to treasure, and how I got to a place of peace alone is what I want to share. Louise Erdrich, in her book Four Souls said, ‘I am that rare thing thought only to exist in death. I am (most often) a happy woman.’
When I was a young girl my mother saw in me my joie de vivre. She reminded me, daily I think, that we can’t always have fun. She’s right of course. I’ve lived through enough heartbreak to know good times come and good times go. I also know time is precious and because of that I’ll never stop trying to get as much joy from this trip as I can. Even though I don’t live an exciting life and many would find me quite dull, it’s the accountability I have, regardless of my circumstances, that makes me realize my life is a head game only I control. No one else, just me. Minister Frank Crane shared, ‘Responsibility is the one thing people dread the most of all. Yet it is the one thing in the world that develops us, gives us manhood or womanhood fiber.’ Because I now own responsibility for my choices, I’ve grown to accept my situation while believing my happiness, regardless of the thrill factor or lack-thereof, is completely and totally dependent upon me and my thoughts. No longer am I the kind of woman who thinks she’ll find contentment around the corner, in another job, or with a different man. I am the woman who believes peace comes from within, right now, nowhere else, and therein lies the struggle. According to Morihei Ueshiba in The Art of Peace , ‘Victory over oneself is the primary goal of our training. ‘ Victory over myself has become my game.
This book, this play in my game, I am writing for the ‘real’ woman who has ‘real’ commitments that cannot be ignored and a ‘real’ income that limits her options. This book is a transition book for the single mamas who are trying to find a little joy in their lives when those who gave them happiness are gone. If you are the kind of woman who has resources, both financial and emotional, to motorbike Viet Nam, climb Everest, or live a year in Italy, this read isn’t for you. This is for the woman whose chance for opportunity and adventure is limited. I hope it will motivate all who read it to get living and become creators of their own life. I’ve given real lessons to help you find peace and I’ve presented suggestions on how to spend your time if all you do is hang out in front of the TV. Many of the activities in these pages won’t interest you, but if you’re reinventing yourself participate in a wide variety so you can find out what makes you come alive. The ideas I share in these pages are simple but the lessons, I hope, are deep. There will be no running with the bulls in Pamplona, or anywhere else, but if we’re lucky there will be lots of enjoyment and harmony along the way even if this ‘along the way’ journey is traveled alone.
Love is a gamble, that’s for sure. Some people are lucky in love and some of us aren’t. It depends on the hand we’ve been dealt. Josh Billing, an American humorist, wisely told us, “Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well’. That’s what we must do. If these are the cards we’ve been given we must exploit them to the best of our ability in order to win this game called ‘Life’. And to win we have to get living while making our heartbreak matter.
Writer Willa Cather said, ‘What if life is the sweetheart?’ I believe it is. I’ve found life to be a greater partner than any man I’ve ever had. Life has been kinder, more forgiving, and has provided greater security than I had with either of my husbands. Life is also a whole lot more interesting. I’ve fallen head over heals in love with life. Yes, life could walk out on me just like my husbands and I know our time together, like everything else, is limited. But I also understand that even though I am by myself it’s impossible for me to be alone. As long as I have life and I am traveling as its companion then I have no reason to complain. I’m going to court my life and treat it as my sweetheart. My cards, my game, my life, and finally my choice.
RULES FOR BEING ALONE
1. Accept your lot in life, right now as you are, and where you are. No amount of belly-aching is going to bring you love, understanding, or happiness. You can whine until the cows come home but it’s not going to help you reach your dreams. Simply accepting your circumstances and recognizing that only you can change your situation is the first step toward a joyful life alone. Khalil Gibran, the Lebanese philosopher, said, ‘Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.’ As frightening as it feels, you can do this and you can do it with dignity.
2. Blame no one ever, not even yourself, for where you are today. Blaming causes guilt and guilt won’t help you live your dreams. Be objective, make a plan, and move forward. Find out who you are, know what you like, learn from your mistakes, then make goals for where you want to go on this incredible, but all too short, journey. The past is the past. Leave it there then go, and do, and live.
3. Don’t smother your children (and leave your ex alone) because they have their lives to live and you have yours. Be a dreamer and teach your kids how to reach for the stars. Edison said, ‘When a (wo)man dies, if (s)he can pass enthusiasm along to (her) his children, (s)he has left them an estate of incalculable value.’ Although you may be struggling financially, this lesson is priceless that costs nothing yet models tremendous strength. Forget about usurping your child’s life or winning your sweetheart back. This is your life and you are in charge. The others are on a different path. Let them follow their course while you march forward to find your own place in this world.
4. Be grateful, right now and every day for all of your blessings. The fact that you’re breathing and have yet another day to set things right might be all you can muster but muster you must. There will be days when you simply don’t have the gumption to be grateful. If those days turn into months and the months turn into years, you’re long past due finding something for which to be thankful. Within the Jewish Talmud it is written, ‘In the world to come, each of us will be called to account for all the good things God put on earth that we refused to enjoy.’ I remember the days of outhouses and Sears catalogue toilet paper. Believe you me, I am very appreciative of my TP.
Dream
‘Dare to have lived the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true.’
– Emerson
How long has it been since you dreamed? I mean really dreamed, not the George Clooney fantasy, or the lottery ticket daydream. Real dreams with real hopes. Was it twenty years ago, on you honeymoon, when you last planned your future? Or was your first dream your final one, at eleven years old, when you had high hopes of becoming a prima ballerina? What about it? Have you ever dreamed, in your entire life, or did you let life lead the way, que sera, sera and all of that ‘what will be’ shenanigans? What about life without him? It’s hard to imagine one, isn’t it? Your best friend, in one instant, became your worst enemy, your biggest threat to personal security, both emotional and financial, and he’s gone no matter what you want. Of course you want to dream of a life with him. That’s what you know. That’s what’s familiar. But that’s no longer an option. Are you ready to embark on a path without him? You’ve got to start sometime because life without dreams is empty and now he’s a card in your game of life that’s been tossed to the discard pile for somebody else to play.
I’m betting there’s not a soul on this planet who jumped for joy when they fell short in marriage. No doubt there were lots of parties and many celebrations when the deed was done, but to fail at marriage is not something that makes many of us proud. We chose wrong. ‘They’ were right all along. The dream, it turns out was really a nightmare. It’s bad, there’s no denying it. But if you play your life in a mind game, you can change your thoughts of the break up and the night he left. Envision the day he told you ‘it’ was over then imagine by-passing the painful years and moving right to a place where you no longer care that he’s gone. Picture him telling you he’s leaving then hear yourself responding by saying, ‘That’s nice. Take the trash out and close the door when you go.’ No hurt, no pain, no sense of betrayal.
Years beyond the sting of my own divorce I could easily respond nonchalantly to an announcement of his departure. Then, the night he left, my reaction was emotionally charged based on confusion, and fear. The funny thing is, his leaving wasn’t such a big deal after all. It didn’t destroy me. It made me stronger. Like him, I can finally admit I was living a lie. I had been miserably unhappy playing the role of a supportive wife to a man who wanted nothing to do with me, and I knew it. His dreams, that I relied upon, didn’t include me. They wasted my life. I knew for years I wasn’t part of his plan because when I wanted to dream with him, he wasn’t interested. That was my doing. I believed life with him was as good as it gets, and life with him wasn’t all that much fun. His unhappiness showed through everyday of our lives making the rest of us miserable in the process.
You have to admit, if your fella is gone, your marriage wasn’t strong, near the end of it anyway. Maybe you tried your best to save it, or perhaps you thought he’d never leave, till death do you part and all of that fairy-tale gobbledygook. He’s gone, praise the Lord, and with him went his cold, piercing stares that demeaned and made you wish you were anywhere besides in his presence. His lame excuses for being out late, again, his disrespect and arrogance toward you, it’s all gone. You can’t ask for anything more. If you were beginning to think you weren’t good enough for the man you can let that go. I’m betting he didn’t once share with you his feelings of restlessness, but blamed you for them instead. Close that chapter by admitting you grew apart and leave it at that. In time you’ll realize you were hit by the tragedy fairy and all you lost was a self-involved partner who didn’t want you anyway. Not much of a loss if you ask me and not a reflection on you. He’s gone and with him went his bad energy. Seriously, isn’t life already better? You’re no longer walking on pins and needles as you struggle to get through the day.
Imagine what life would be like if you could get excited not only for the good things that come your way but also for the obstacles that challenge your daily living. Should you discover a flat tire, after a hard day of work, instead of complaining about how the world is taking its anger out on you and believing everything that can go wrong will, pretend you’re on a reality show and this is just one more obstacle holding you back from the prize. Fix that tire with determination and keep on moving. In the process you’ve grown, you’ve shown repose of soul, and your winning spirit will exude confidence. The winners in life, as well as those on reality TV, are the ones who know their dreams and won’t let anything, or anyone, stop them from reaching them.
Certainly there are true disasters in life where pleasure will never be found. Health issues and catastrophic losses won’t ever bring happiness, but losing a man who doesn’t want us, though heartbreaking and damaging to our self-esteem, you have to admit, it really is a good thing. Change your outlook of the loss. I know mourning is necessary and I understand there are lots of things you’re going to miss, but somehow you’ll find a way to flip to the other side and rejoice as well. You now have a whole closet to yourself. I know that didn’t go unnoticed. There are no more smelly armpits pressed against your nose in the middle of the night, no more squabbles over which exit to take, and no more mother-in-laws! You can do the dishes on your time table and burn dinner without dealing with criticism from the man who ‘loves’ you. Like you tried to burn it anyway. You’ve gained more from his leaving than you might realize. You have freedom to dream – your dreams. My ex, the doctor, once told me it’s fortunate for women that their husbands have a shorter life. Finally they could be happy. Without a thought for me, he gave me this gift of happiness, and for that I’m truly grateful.
Forget about him. The joys of having him gone are plenty. Even if you don’t believe it tell yourself it’s so until you do. When you can appreciate the reality of the situation and you know you’re going to be okay, then you’re ready to dream. You might be ready to dream but who has time for it?
With so much to do it’s hard enough for a married mama to find time to dream. If a married woman can’t squeeze out a few minutes each day to dream, how in the world is a single mother ever going to do it? Our life is over-flowing with demands. If it’s not the kids, the house, or the vehicle demanding our attention, it’s the bills, the running around, or the toilet that needs repaired. I know the laundry needs done, the kids have to get to practice, dinner is burning (in an oven that only works if you hold the knob just so), the mower needs an oil change, and that snake (yes, snake) isn’t going to leave your basement just because you ask it. Forget about exercise and finding time to recharge your batteries. You’re lucky if you can get both eyebrows plucked before another disaster heads your way. Daily emergencies are a part of your life but these are the extra-curricular activities that swallow your time. The job, the nine-to-five time snatcher that makes it all happen, demands even more.
I know there is no time. I know when you think you’ve finally got five minutes to sit the dog will be in your lap expecting his daily dose of TLC. As he waits patiently for your last bit of lovin’ he nearly becomes the straw that breaks you as you find yourself teetering on the edge of a meltdown. He’s the one who reminds you how you spend your endless days, giving nonstop, never receiving anything in return. Tired and afraid your legs will snap beneath you, you realize there is no one, absolutely no one, to offer support while the already insurmountable demands upon you continue to grow. Most families have two adults working together to carry the load of living and they can’t always do it. You’ve got to bear this two-adult job by yourself. Real life takes every waking second from your day and then you’re supposed to make dreams for yourself in the meantime? I can almost hear you thinking, ‘Are you, crazy?’
It does seem crazy. Even though the entire responsibility of your family’s success rests on your shoulders and every part of you is invested in the keeping of your family, you have to dream. I get that your existence is dedicated to your kids. But that day is coming, that dreaded day all loving mothers fear, when in one single moment, all that work, all that care, all that parenting, is over. The day the last child leaves, mothering as you know it is finished. The chaos, the non-stop activity, the purpose – all gone, kaput. The End.
Then silence.
You’ve got to dream. How can you possibly continue on this path if you don’t? If you aren’t prepared for the inevitable when you are left again by those you love, how will you survive? This time, unlike when your husband left, when the children leave it’s acceptable, exciting, and expected but it will bring you to your knees if you’re not prepared. Take time, no matter how little there is, and dream.
Give up on any rigid demands you have and forget the Martha Stewart lifestyle. Perfectionism is a myth, so let it go. There will be many mothers, just assume all, who are going to surpass you in baking 101, soccer game involvement, oh let’s just say everything. Let them. They’re going to think they’re more successful anyway because they’re married, so don’t compare. Give up worrying about that infamous Jones family. Stop competing with others and instead compete with yourself. You’re doing the work of two now. Do you think they’d be so perfect if they were wearing your shoes? Remember that when you can’t reach the bar you used to jump. Forget about ironing every piece of laundry and start making plans for that life you’ve got to live. In twenty-five years it won’t matter one bit if your son’s undershirts were pressed. In twenty-five years it will matter if you found your dreams and lived them.
When feeling lonesome, be careful not to fall victim to the sweet talk of others. Even with the unreasonable load you carry some people will have the impudence to expect you to volunteer for every unimaginable committee that’s in desperate need of your expertise. Don’t let their flattery work you and learn to say no a million times if necessary. If you truly are in sync with your life, you have the time, and are passionate about the cause, go for it, but good golly don’t fill your calendar with unnecessary committees that can survive very well without you. Those asking for your assistance are never the single mamas and they’re not always thoughtful of your already difficult load. You don’t need their approval. You need time. Don’t worry one little bit if they are unhappy with you when they, without compassion, are asking you to give time that is already in limited supply. And don’t feel guilty. You have the right to say no if no is what you want. Don’t find your value in their approval. Find it in yourself. There is never going to be enough time to volunteer for causes ‘others’ think you should be involved in much less get the house perfect and the kids just so. That’s a hamster on a wheel kind of life, busy, busy, busy going nowhere. Who wants to spend their time at useless meetings, or making a picture perfect house with ‘just so’ kids when there is so much more to do in life than clean and a better way to be active than by controlling your kids or spending time at going-nowhere meetings? Change your attitude about the things that can go unnoticed and figure out what you really and truly must accomplish, in this lifetime, to be satisfied by the time your days are numbered.
Suppose you do get a few minutes alone to dream, how are you going to shut your brain off long enough to listen? It races nonstop, the brain does, doesn’t it? It goes so fast you can’t keep up with it. It keeps you awake all night long reminding you of everything that needs done - NOW. You’ve got so much on your plate you can’t rest your thoughts long enough to think about the future. Your brain is focusing on the daily chores instead of building dreams. Household tasks are easy to think of, familiar. Dreams are scary, the empty canvas beckoning with no inspiration from which to draw. Your brain returns to the everyday jobs, time and again because they are straightforward, the load is daunting and in desperate need of your attention. There’s nothing to think of in the dream department and nothing demanding your consideration, right now. Procrastinating becomes the order of the day when it comes to dreams because daily living seems to matter so much more.
Your dream account is empty. All were withdrawn by hubby when he left. But like your bank account, you’ve got to fill it for the future so when the time comes and you need something for which to look forward, you’ve got a life that’s waiting just for you. Allow yourself to forget about the ‘demands’ of life for an hour or two each week and give yourself the right to develop an action plan. Set aside a specific time to be dedicated solely to building your dreams.
What fills your heart and soul? Do you even know? Or have you been taking care of others for so long you don’t know what makes you happy any more? Did you live the last twenty years negotiating with a man and in the process compromise all that was true to you? You’re not the same woman you were before divorce. You’ve changed and there’s a good chance the things that once gave you pleasure now make you cringe. Did you live a frivolous life, one that now seems foolish in the face of tragedy? Or were you dependent on your hubby and are now having trouble thinking for yourself? Do you remember what fills your soul with joy? Or has a divorce massacre left you wounded and in such a state of confusion you’re convinced nothing will ever bring you pleasure again?
Many of us, not just the singles, have created lives of repetitious living. D. H. Lawrence said, ‘But better die than live mechanically a life that is a repetition of repetitions.’ Without direction, you’re going to be living a mundane life. Maybe you’ve already become the woman who stays home doing the same thing day in day out waiting patiently for her handsome hero to ring her up? Or perhaps you are passing the time unwearyingly hoping opportunity will come a knocking? Do you get the ‘woe is me blues’ when it’s clear Prince Charming is never coming to your rescue, or when you realize fortune has forgotten where you live? Thomas Edison told us, ‘The reason a lot of people do not recognize opportunity is because it usually goes around wearing overalls looking like hard work.’ Life isn’t going to come to you. You should know that by now. This is you’re responsibility. It’s up to you and you alone to make yours come to life.
You’re at a pivotal point, a crossroads in your life. You’re reinventing whether you want to or not. You have no say in stopping the process, it’s going to happen regardless of your input, but you do have say in where this change is going to take you. You’re a new you and the fun begins when you can stop worrying and start creating a life you really want to live. Your attitude has been transformed and so has your view of the world. You’ve changed, so now you have to discover what makes you come alive. Think of your potential and the fun you can have figuring out what makes this new lady tick. When I went back to college at mid-life a classmate said, ‘How exciting for you. You get to start from scratch all over again.’ I hadn’t quite thought of it like that at the time, but he was right. The question is, how do we make this ‘life from scratch’ a work of art?
Like a bare canvas it’s frightening to take that first stroke in case we mess up, again! Failure is frightening because it seems no matter what we’ve done, so far, we’ve done it wrong. Too tired to try again and expecting to ruin whatever we attempt, we cave in and accept that life isn’t worthy of our effort. Writer, William Somerset Maugham shared, ‘It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.’ Expect more from yourself. Get yourself out of the ditch long enough to see the sunlight then start dreaming. Forget the past as you now define it and look ahead with a new perspective. Take a deep breath, give yourself a smile, get out the drawing pad and fashion for yourself a brand new beginning.
How do we start to dream in the autumn of our life? How do we begin again when our hopes have been extinguished and there’s no money left to spend? Howard Thurman, civil rights leader, encouraged, ‘Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who come alive.’ What makes you come alive? If you don’t know find out by making two lists. On one side include those things that excite you and on the other side jot down those things that cause you anguish. Create gigantic lists and avoid opposites. This makes it easier for you to see without stating the obvious what you must have in your life and what you must avoid. Keep your record on the computer, attached to your fridge, in your journal, or hung from your bathroom mirror. Add to it often because staying in tune to your life will help you identify those things that bring you joy while aiding in your process of discovery. Be aware. Watch what others are doing, pay attention to life, and focus on interests that are forming in your head as you struggle to accomplish your daily list of things to do. Keep a notebook handy to record ideas when inspiration comes your way and always live life in the present.
Be aware of your growing lists. If the good things outnumber the bad, you’re heading down the right path. If there are more negative prompts than loves on your lists you have serious work to do. When the nuisances of life surpass the fun, imagine the abundance waiting for you to discover as you work to get rid of the negatives. Take a different attitude toward the triggers that cause you grief. If there is no way you can turn them into challenges to be conquered, then clear them from your life. Sara Teasdale, American poet, said, ‘I make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes.’ Get rid of the garbage.
Get rid of the bossy, cranky, controlling people. Even though it’s scary to pitch friends when you’re already afraid of being alone, those who bring you down they have to go. If you step back, without emotion, and look at some of these ‘pals’ you’re going to find some cause more headaches than you ever need deal with again. We all have ‘friends’ who are stifling, controlling, who want to tell us how to live and whom to love. This kind of friend gives a lot of unheeded advice but when you need them, an invitation to Christmas, a call to a show, they are no where to be found. Get rid of them. Those who expect to control you, stand up to them. They don’t like to be challenged and your assertiveness will free you from the self-centered individuals they really are. Who cares if they like you if all they’re concerned about is getting their own way? Trust that you’ll feel much better when you stand up to their egotistical demands. Those who never give, and always take, they aren’t your friends. Purge them from your life. Most of us do our fair share of bellyaching so let’s hope our friends don’t toss us when we vent, but do know it’s possible. If you care about the friendship, don’t over do it without giving something in return.
It’s not only people that need tossed when they continue to get under your skin. That annoying toaster, the one that only works if you wiggle the cord just so, or the mountain of useless belongings stockpiling in the attic, they have to go as well. Take control. Recognize the things that prompt negativity as bad triggers and remove them from your life. Carol S. Pearson in her book The Hero Within would call those of us who experience this cleansing stage of life the ‘Wanderer’; one who is trying to figure out her place in the world. Although other people, especially her ‘Martyr’ hero, thinks the Wanderer is a self-centered being, this stage is an absolute necessity if the ‘Wanderer’ is to find a purpose in life that is true to her. House clean your life. Get rid of the blahs, to make room for the wows!
Recognize the wows by reflecting on anything and everything that gives you joy. Find ways to bring more of these pleasures into your life while considering how to improve your circumstances. After my second divorce, upon returning to work, I knew I wanted to build a first-class working relationship with my colleagues. I silenced my mind long enough to hear a suggestion that I invite my fellow workers to my home for lunch. Building camaraderie was a small dream, but quieting my mind helped me find a way to do my part. I was so caught up in heartbreak and daily chores at the time I never would have considered inviting them had I not silenced my mind long enough to hear the idea. Admittedly, this is a tiny example, but more often than not it’s the small things that matter most. I use this practice of focusing on one specific problem until I am blessed with an answer whether I want to enhance student learning, come up with imaginative ways to be happy alone, or if I am seeking inspiration for the new life I am creating.
Silencing your mind takes practice but you can learn to separate the panic of your thoughts from the peaceful, you-can-do-it attitude. The trick is slow down and breathe deeply. Fear will try to take over, loneliness will grab hold of you when you least expect it, and terror can easily take control. Count your breaths, long and strong, until the panic subsides while focusing on one area in your life where you’d like to see a difference. The change may be as simple as getting through the minute. If your mind wanders force yourself to return to the task at hand, to that of gaining wisdom. Clear your brain of everything, except the problem you are determined to solve, so ideas are more readily received. Thomas Edison (a very wise man) reminds us that ‘Ideas come from space. This may seem astonishing and impossible to believe but it is true. Ideas come from out of space.’ That means ideas are limitless. Focus, read, study, research, and actively pursue your question until you have found an answer. It may take weeks, or months before an idea pops into place so persevere, be patient, and keep busy.
For most of my life I was a non-active participant. I squandered ten years of precious time fighting one husband or the other. The divorce decade was preceded by thirteen years given to my husband whom I trusted to lead the way. The ten before I was a foolish teenager with no direction, and no idea I was the one responsible for my own destination. I was pretty happy living in the moment and I thought I had all the time in the world. I completely wasted the first half of my life. Those are years I’ll never get back and although I regret my lack of involvement I suppose I did the best I could with the tools I had. Now, I’ve been introduced to power tools and I am trying my best to figure out how to use them. A novice, for now, but in ten years, who knows? Having taken responsibility for my own life, those first thirty plus no longer matter. The best are yet to come, of that I am certain, but to make them the best I have to have dreams and know my direction. No longer will I be running in circles expecting life to find me. From here on out, I’ll have a course and a plan of where I am going to go. It’s my responsibility, and it’s yours, to form dreams. It’s my job, and it’s yours, to make them come alive.
Pablo Picasso said, ‘Every act of creation is first of all an act of destruction.’ Your life, as you knew it, has been destroyed. Now it’s time to create. Whatever makes you happy, even if you’re no good at it, do it having fun along the way. If you want to write, write. Act? Why not? Sing? Go for it! If you hear the tiniest, wee voice saying, ‘Come on, you can do it!’ Get out there and make it happen. The best? Maybe not. Broadway? The chances are slim, though possible. The community playhouse theater might be a better place to start. It’s the ride, the journey, the doing something you love without the glitz, glory, and outside approval, that will make you happy. This is your time. Read, create, see the world through new eyes. Try new foods, stimulate your senses. Photograph the unusual in the mundane and see the world as a child with an innocent perspective. Present to humanity new ways for others to appreciate all you discover. Forget the pain, the hurt, and the loneliness and take charge of your life. Learn, grow and become excited about life and living, so that you can leave some kind of tremendous legacy in thanks for the great gift of life you’ve been given. From the depths of your heart, find your area of expertise and make this adventure, your adventure, one that is beneficial to future generations.
Brainstorm what you must do in the next twenty-five years. No rules are necessary except one. Instead of a ‘to-do’ list, this is a must do list. Lose weight and touch your toes? Put it down? Find a partner (or a dozen)? On the list it goes. See the world? How far and on what timeline? A new career? You better get started. It’s only you holding you back. Nobody else is in charge of where you’re going. Lillian Hellman, American playwright, said, ‘It’s a sad day when you find out that it’s not accident or time or fortune but yourself that kept things from you.’
Make your list massive and you’ll learn a lot about yourself. Do you want to scuba dive? Put it down. Do you maybe, sort of, want to scuba dive but it doesn’t really matter? Put it down. What about snorkeling instead? On the list it goes. Give yourself fifteen minutes and write. Number to one hundred and see how far you get. Dream unbelievable dreams including those things you know you’ll never get to do. The sifting of goals will happen after the craziness of discovery is complete. It’s hardly likely you’ll get to do everything on your list and you can add to your list until your final day, but for now just make the list. This is more than a ‘bucket list’ of dare-devil feats to be accomplished. It is a list that will help you discover your purpose. Treat your life as if it is a project in and of itself, to be created, mastered and enjoyed. The more goals you add, no matter how extreme, the closer you’ll get to those phenomenal visions that are buried so deep their worth is priceless. Don’t stop yourself from dreaming because of money and don’t get depressed over what you cannot do. Dream to get excited then go make life happen.
Brainstorming is the kind of thing I love to do with friends. I get inspired by their creativity but at mid-life, I have yet to find a group of individuals as antsy as I. I suspect those I know are already happily living their dreams. Not me. My dreams have fallen apart, now I’m chomping at the bit for more, and I’m not afraid to show it. Content? Yes, but with such an abundance to be discovered I can’t ever begin to be satisfied. Life is meant to be played. Everyday, we should play and have fun. Now in hindsight and in the thick of mid-life I can finally see how silly I was to have treated my life with such seriousness during divorce when I should have been playing and dreaming all along. If he wants out, let him go. You’ve got a whole new life waiting to be created. Elizabeth Coatsworth, children’s author inspires, ‘Only of one thing am I sure. When I dream, I am ageless.’ I want to be ageless, don’t you?
“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the
day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.”
- T.E. Lawrence.
Recap / To Do:
Visualize your life years after the pain.
Use daily disruptions as tools to improve yourself.
Pretend your life is a reality show and you’re in competition with yourself at all times.
Write down all of the positive things that have resulted in your break-up – no more mother-in-laws! Yippee!!!
Think forward, to your future, every day for at least five minutes! Where are you going in this life?
Schedule an hour or two every week dedicated solely to building your dreams.
You’re not Martha Stewart – give up trying to be a perfectionist. It’s not your job. It’s hers.
Learn to calm yourself by breathing deeply.
Keep a notebook handy, at all times, to record tidbits of inspiration.
Discover what makes you come alive by keeping a record of what makes you happy.
Discover what brings you down by recording what makes you frustrated.
Pick one thing, quiet your mind, and find a way to improve it.
House clean – your home, your friends, your life. Toss out those things that keep you from growing.
Do! Create! Read! Get active. Forget about that man. What man?
Brainstorm! Brainstorm! Brainstorm!
Play, all day, every day!
Court your life. Life is the sweetheart after all.
Dream of love, and friends, and purpose
Dream of adventures and possibilities
Dream BIG dreams!
Go forward and make your dreams come true!
I hesitate sharing my lists of things that I love and things I don’t since few folks, if any, will be interested in knowing either. I decided to include them simply to get you started. I continue to add to these lists often. I find when I keep tuned into what makes my life good I am more appreciative of the simple things that come my way. Keeping a record also shows me where I have work to do. Make your lists. It’s more than OK to take time to find out who you are. Beryl Markham, pioneer aviator, warned, ‘You can live a lifetime and at the end of it know more about other people than you know about yourself.’ Don’t let that happen.
Things I Love/ Things I Don’t
Things I Love: Things I don’t:
• My kids * lame required in services
• My bed * being cold
• My friends * snakes in my basement
• A cold beer after a hard day of yard work * hard-headed, opinionated people
• Christopher Walkens * lawn mower belts that come off
• Heavy cream in my coffee * overflowing toilets
• Cauffee * crowded stores
• Making others laugh * being antsy and getting stuck in a rut
• Laughter * mean people
• Quiet time in the morning * Facebook – too invasive for my taste
• National Geographic pictures * people-using people
• Great hair day * loud noises
• Comfortable shoes – with heels * mowing the lawn in 95* plus humidity
• Fixing the lawn mower when it’s easy to fix * waking up tired
• Having more money than anticipated * liars
• Good neighbors * moth balls
• Johnny Depp dreams * my job
• A project well done and completed * getting tired
• Rainy Saturdays * getting grumpy
• Facebook – for my kids * lazy people
• When my kids get back from a long trip * when I let other people get to me
• Getting lawn mowed for the week * dog hair all over the floor
• Grilling out * never-ending chores
• cheesecakes * wasting a day
• Being home * when I’m mean to mean people
• Writing * getting stopped for speeding
• Great books * gaining weight
• Historical fiction * going to court for speeding
• When someone helps me * homeroom
• Teaching * STILL getting called to the principal’s
• Improving myself office after all these years
• When the light comes on over a student’s head * rude kids
• When I get my run in for the day * talkative kids who won’t listen to
• A hard day of good work instruction
• Weekends * ZITS at 46!!! Come ON!
• Summer vacation * people who ride the middle line at 10
• Painting below the speed limit
• A tidy home * the rat race at work
• The World Market * insane expectations at work for naught
• Being productive * NCLB
• Motivating others * not remembering former students’ names
• Friday afternoons * hamster on a wheel life of work
• Weekends * being ½ deaf
• Banana splits * going to bed and realizing I’ve lived the
• When kids get excited about learning same day all over AGAIN
• Getting a chance to write without interruption * as the year goes on – my job
• Hearing from Drew * spending too much time on weekend
• Hearing from Evan recovering from my job
• High school football game pomp and circumstance * twitchy eye
• Waking up from a dream b/c I am laughing * homeroom…don’t care if I said it before
• Book stores I’ll say it again!!! HOMEROOM
• Monkeys * never succeeding at my job even though
• Short work weeks! I’m good at it
• Having a plan * cold weather
• Weight Watchers – it really works! * not growing – seeing one year after the
• Chocolate covered cherries other go by w/o growth
• OH, MY BED!!! Yes, my bed. * not having figured out how others are
• Getting complements so efficient
• When Cam acts like a fool * liars
• Playing Peanut with the boys * people who get out of their seats over and
• Short work weeks over again at hockey games
• Seeing a former student * missing my deadlines
• My students – for the most part ( * when the day is over
• When the rollercoaster of life is in the * interruptions that keep me from teaching
Upswing * bad parents
• the truth * burning my finger on hot caramel
• Christmas tree lights * taking too long to finish my paintings
• Throwing great parties * that I have no Thelma to my Louise
• NHL hockey games * that I can’t admit I’m a Democrat w/o
• African Violets having to defend my views
• Snow days * people who think they’re better than
• Art- other people
• The Tudors * Friday evenings
• Working to solve problems with people * how fast time flies / how slow I am
who really listen to others’ ideas * critics who complain w/o alternative
• big, big plans ideas
• laughing with students in class * when folks insist I say a-boot and not
• walking away from negativity a-boat
• flan * poor leadership
• having something to look forward to * closed-minded people
• dim sum * people who hog the conversation
• progressing in this book * loud people
• completing a painting * self-absorbed people
• learning to be content and grateful * passive aggressive customer service
• President Obama (don’t disappoint me!) agents
• Depression glass * internet providers who say I’m too
• Walking away from dysfunctional relationships far for service when the same company
• Standing up for myself has been providing me service for 6 years
• ME! * Boxing Day ( Always alone
• Spring Break
• Finishing a project
• Chocolate – Have I mentioned chocolate?
• Mike Myers doing Linda Richmond
• Tulips
• Having a plan – knowing where I’m going
• Thomas Edison
• Peonies
• Lilac bushes
• Saturday mornings
• Summer vacations
• Instead of ‘you can’t’ comments
‘let’s do’ comments
• Flight of the Conchords
• The Late, Late Show
• Christmas mornings
• Christmas Eve
• The Tudors
• Internet (so glad it arrived when I divorced)
5. Expect more from yourself and less from others. No one but you is responsible for your joy. If you find pleasure in the company of others that’s wonderful, but co-dependency is no longer an option. If that special someone up and goes, and if he was your main source of security then all becomes turmoil again should he walk out that door and leave you. Buddha said, ‘The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you free.’ On this journey if others don’t share your interests don’t push or begrudge them for being true to themselves. Make sure you stay true to yourself, however, by pursuing your passions even if you have to go it alone.
6. Love yourself. Oscar Wilde said, ‘To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.’ Until you find the goodness in you, it will be a mystery to others. Be your very best friend and give yourself the respect, kindness, and love you would willingly give a friend. Forgive yourself when you mess up and remember that you are human. Enough with the negative self-talk. If you’re best friend talked to you as you do she’d be long gone. Be supportive, and forgiving of yourself and you will have the finest friend ever. Try as you might, this one isn’t going anywhere and will only exit the stage when you do.
7. Start EVERY day with a winning spirit Do not step foot out of bed until you can anticipate one good thing for that day. If nothing comes to mind, stay in bed. The warm flow of water from your shower in the morning may be the only good thing you can think of but at least that’s something. Every day get up with a plan and a course of action to help get you closer to the dreams you’re beginning to form. Jazz artist, Miles Davis, said, ‘My future starts when I wake up every morning. Every day I find something creative to do with my life.’ Don’t give up, don’t ever give up. If you miss a day, get up the next and start again. If you miss an hour, change your attitude and remember when that hour passes it is gone forever. Don’t waste time mourning for things you cannot change. In hindsight you’re going to regret every lost minute crying over the dirty, rotten, cheating SOB.
8.Think of yourself as a queen and those around you the same. We are a privileged group. Five hundred years ago, I would have been a peasant woman struggling to make ends meet. Today, I’m an educated peasant woman, still struggling to make ends meet, though I can take pleasure in fine rich truffles along with a velvety merlot. I can go to the theater, soak in the tub, or spend hours a day, if I choose, reading and writing. Five hundred years ago, only royalty could partake in such sophisticated activities. If you’re a believer in God, remember who’s daughter you are. That’s enough reason to feel like a queen each and every day. If you use this philosophy you’ll have to accept you’re not the only imperial child. Every single person you meet is of royal blood, including that dirty, rotten, cheating SOB.
Taking Care of Business:
Goals?
For what?
Where do I begin?
It’s all too confusing!!!
First, let’s take care of the important things then we’ll take care of the fun. Hopefully taking care of business will be joyful, but business won’t be taken care of if we only focus on fun.
SOUL
ESTEEM
BE A HERO
FAMILY
BRAIN
BODY
HOME
WORK
FEARS
PLAN
[pic]
Soul
Your Soul
‘You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.’
- C.S. Lewis
This is the hardest section to write yet it’s probably the most important. It’s a difficult subject, very controversial, dependent upon faith which is an incredibly personal thing. It’s deep and complex, our soul is. It’s the thing that makes us the intricate beings we are. We’re enigmas, each one of us. One day we’re on the top of the world, the next day we are sinking. In our own personal ways each and every one of us is an amazingly, wonderful conundrum.
Think about it. Within each of us we’ll find both goodness and evil. The most miserable person can surprise us all by being more generous than anyone else, and someone who appears to be constantly loving can lose their cool in an instant. Most of us are neither entirely good, nor are we completely rotten. The majority of us, though we don’t want to admit it, are simply average beings with personalities somewhere in the middle. Rare is the person who never fights, or complains, or isn’t secretly festering about something. Unknown to me is someone who is happy at all times. The overzealous optimist is a rare find and so is the person whose sole purpose in life is to seek out others to destroy. We hear an awful lot about this kind of person, but just like in a classroom two or three bad seeds can make the whole group seem putrid when in fact most of us are really pretty decent souls giving the best that we’ve got.
Sometimes life can be hard. Our dreams fall apart, then our hopes fade away and when life gets difficult we want to know why. Is it payback time from karma? Or is our attitude preventing the universe from bringing to us what we want? Maybe it was God’s plan that we be alone, so we could finally be true to ourselves. I doubt these are the reasons we find ourselves alone, but who am I to say? The answers to such questions are far too complicated for my wee small brain to fathom, but I will admit, I did my best to try to make sense out of life when I found myself tossed aside. I even thought both of my husbands were Beelzebub himself when they left me high and dry. But they weren’t. In reality they were simply middle-aged guys with issues of their own who got tired of the whole situation.
People told me God did this to make me stronger. I also heard that it wasn’t God at all, but the guy with the horns and tail. Some said it’s a lesson I had to learn. I even heard it said that God was testing me because I dared step too from the ledge, testing Him first, when I went to Europe to visit the man. I guess you can’t be a woman with needs and still be loved by the Lord. Now, I’m not trying to be blasphemous, but I’m thinking God doesn’t need to show any one of us who is boss. We make a lot of silly excuses using religion to explain away our bad behaviors. God didn’t need to teach me a lesson, and God didn’t give me two men to have them walk out of my life. Since God is my Father, and the best one there is, He wouldn’t hurt me to teach me such destructive lessons, lessons that have made me a much harder woman than I ever was before. I made bad choices, that’s all. Pierre Teilhard de Chardin said, ‘In the final analysis, the questions of why bad things happen to good people transmutes itself into some very different questions, no longer asking why something happened, but asking how we will respond, what we intend to do now that it happened.’ What will you do? How will you respond?
A few weeks into my life of solitary living I was awaken in the night by my dog who had returned from a night of gallivanting. Dragging my sad pitiful body from my bed I couldn’t help but think how completely alone in this world I’d become. Immediately upon having those thoughts I heard the words, ‘You are not alone.’ They didn’t come from me, nor did they come from my dog. I ‘heard’ the statement coming from within my head. Was it God? I don’t know for certain, but I believe it was. At the time, I didn’t think I was anything but alone. I can’t imagine my mind making up so quickly something I didn’t consider to be true. The following day I gave my kids to God.
During this time I had an incredible relationship with God, closer than any I’ve known. When I prayed, and I prayed always, whatever I needed I got; an easy exam (because instead of studying, I watched my kids play ball), a headache gone, a pair of lost keys found, or some extra cash because the ex wouldn’t pay until I treated him nicely. Whatever I needed it was given. Faithfully I prayed, day-in, day-out, constantly. I grew very dependent upon God as I struggled to get beyond that first heartbreak. I had no choice. Although I had the husband and wife duo helping me I was wearing out my welcome. I needed someone who I could depend on every minute of every day. During this trial I became an avid born again because my head raced non-stop, my eyes they ran dry. I needed peace and the only way I could find it was through God and His holy word.
My relationship with God helped me get through a very difficult time in my life and He became my rock. When I prayed for peace I got it. When I prayed for patience it was there. When I prayed for companionship for three full years low and behold I saw for the first time since we were kids, the guy who had loved me throughout our teenage years. After so much time alone I felt very blessed to have found my wonderful second husband and at the time I believed he was a brilliant gift from the Lord. You can imagine my disappointment when I realized the lousy present the man would turn out to be. My faith took a beating during this time and I came to the conclusion that God is little more than a Santa Claus, a ploy to keep us focused on goodness since we couldn’t possibly be kind on our own.
My husbands both betrayed me and it seemed then so did God. During this time our church was in an upheaval, divided for reasons I don’t ever want to know. I was having my personal battle with God and hardly concerned with the childish whining and bickering that was going on at our church. I was disgusted by the parishioners and fed up with God. I thought the folks at church, both sides, were practicing a self-centered kind of religion, one I could easily do without and God I couldn’t understand. I was repulsed by so many people that it didn’t take me long to grow incredibly angry with just about every one I knew, including God.
It’s hard to feel spiritual when anger becomes your leading emotion. In her book Loving-kindness, Sharon Salzberg explains anger. She tells us that anger is based on three basic emotions: fear, disappointment or sadness. Any time you are angry look back and you’ll find at least one of the three. When you’ve been hit by divorce all three: fear of the future, disappointment of the past, and sadness that someone you love loves you no longer are intensified. When you accept that your anger is justified treat yourself with tenderness instead of contempt and love yourself completely through your pain. If you don’t you’ll start to believe your ex when he asks, ‘Who could love you anyway?’ They all say that don’t they? He did you wrong. It’s okay to be mad. It’s not okay to stay there.
Anger can’t be hidden. When I went through both of my divorces my jaws ached with pain as I held on tightly to my fury. My resentment showed in everything I did. The tension on my face was not welcoming and my posture showed the world that I carried the bulk of its problems on my shoulders. People avoided me adding stress and confusion to my already beaten up soul. I couldn’t see myself objectively nor understand why others stayed away. I blamed everyone, but myself, for who I had become. The only way I was going to do better was to admit I was the solution no matter how much I wanted someone else to come and save my day. I was too angry with the world. I wouldn’t have accepted its help even if it was offered.
When you’re angry there might be times you hear the words of an aggressive, sarcastic woman come spewing from your mouth. It’s frightening because you know this isn’t the real you. It wasn’t that long ago you were a kind and generous lady. Now it seems your loving self is quickly slipping away. It’s upsetting because you know if you don’t hold on tightly you might be replaced by a hardened, crusty soul who can’t for the life of her stop complaining. I had a wake-up call when the crankiest person I know befriended me because she thought we had so much in common. It was then I knew I had to change. D. H. Lawrence pointed out that, ‘The human being is a most curious creature. He thinks he has got one soul, and he has got dozens.’ Maybe for now, that mean spirit is going to prevail, but don’t let her stay. Reflect, understand your pain, then work to soften your soul that is simply trying to protect you.
After my husband brought me to America knowing he is gay, that the marriage was over, and that he would be leaving me someday, you might assume I got a wee bit angry. Um hum. Maybe a wee bit is an understatement. I was sucker-punched and I was furious. I needed revenge. In our Christmas letter I announced to his world, the one he was trying to hide from, exactly why he left and with whom he was going. It was his mistake to take off a month before the holiday. I suppose my behavior was wrong, but it was all I could do to get even. I didn’t come close to evening the score, but it was something I felt I needed to do. I was fuming!
If you tried to get revenge and did something less than ‘lady-like’, apologize. Write a note then throw that letter away. Don’t let him see you as a weakling. I did too many times. I didn’t care if the man saw me cry. I needed to cry and if he felt guilty, good. He didn’t feel guilty though. He was convinced it was my fault the marriage ended. He had me right where he wanted me, in the palm of his hands, desperate, weak, and afraid. A good strong woman would have worried him a heck of a lot more than I did. By the end of our drawn out tragedy I was anything by a weakling.
Try to be smart, kind, and respectful and if you can be neither kind nor respectful be smart. It’s all about business now. Set your emotions aside for another day. Don’t forget that he is looking out for his needs and not the least bit concerned about yours. The divorce will have life-lasting consequences, especially if you are a mother. Too many women, nurturers that we are, we want to remain friends so we excuse his bad behaviors to hold on to something that just yesterday we thought was normal and good. Lots of women hope that by being nice the door to some kind of relationship will remain open. The odds of staying friends are slim. The chances of struggling financially with your children is a much greater reality. He’s closed your chapter and is heading in a different direction. He doesn’t care if you remain his BFF. He probably has another one already and he’s more likely to care about his wallet than you. It might not feel spiritual to be at war, especially over money, but this is a battle you didn’t instigate. If you’re the one taking care of the kids you have to be smart with the dollars. Don’t be hard-headed. Be pragmatic. I see far too many women struggling to survive because they are determined to make it without his support just to show him they don’t need him. Hold him accountable for his choices, and you go do the same.
I know there are guys and gals who will get bent out of shape because of those words. I also know there are lots of men who will man up and take responsibility for their actions. Just be cautious. You don’t know this guy any more. Take care of the money then if he is still the sweet, kind man you think him to be loosen the purse strings when you are able. Never in a million years could I have imagined that my ex would have treated me so badly. But he did. He was and still is my enemy number one. Be careful. This guy, if he’s cheating, will do what he can to protect his future, not his past. Once the deal is done you can’t change it unless you’re the one in control.
It makes sense that you might have anger issues with the ex, but now consider every other person that you know. You might be carrying a ton of resentment unaware. Thich Nhat Hanh recommends in his book, Taming the Tiger Within, that we check ourselves regularly to see how much anger we are holding. When I considered the people I’ve known throughout my life their faces passed through my thoughts one by one and with each person I recognized an immediate pang of bitterness. I was flabbergasted by the number of ‘friends’ with whom I harbored anger. One after the next, after the next. Very few people I know got through my test unscathed. I was mortified that I had become so vexed. I was ashamed that I had given so many people my power. Then I remembered that anger is caused by fear, disappointment, and sadness and I realized I was disappointed by the whole kitten caboodle. When I accepted my anger, when I realized it was legit, I also understood I had very good reason to be angry with each and every one. When I validated my anger, when I recognized that my ‘friends’ treated me in ways that were not so friend-like, I could release the anger I had been clinging to for so long. I’m not so angry any more. With anyone. Their behaviors I now know have very little to do with me.
In Canada I prayed sincere, honest-to-God prayers for a good future in America and ended up flat on my face. I then prayed for a fine man and instead was ‘given’ a very bad boy. I prayed for a dear friend and found myself sitting across from people with whom I have nothing in common. I stopped praying. I don’t want a persnickety God. He knows exactly what I want and it seems, so far, He’s not willing to let me have it.
I don’t judge God any longer, but my faith, still as real as it was before, has changed. My commitment to church has all but fizzled away and I suspect folks in my town, if they even notice I’m not there, condemn me for my lack of involvement. I don’t care. If I dared judge God I can’t be so vain to have problems when others criticize me. Just like everyone else I still struggle with my beliefs, and since I’ve moved to the south where I see so much hypocrisy I’ve grown more confused than ever. Having read stories of the Holocaust, apartheid, and Sudan it makes it hard for me to believe that God would help me, a whiny woman who has been given so much, when so many others have truly suffered without ever receiving help from above. I don’t know God’s game plan, but I do know when I get lonesome, when I am afraid and I am weak, I pray. I ask, ‘God, where have you been?’ and I hear back instantaneously, ‘I’m not the one who left‘, and then I feel better. Regardless if it’s God, destiny, kismet, fate, science, psychology, or randomness running the show, I don’t suppose any one can argue the power of faith and the soul. So use your soul.
Use your soul to bring peace into your life. Find your essence and learn how to become your very own very best friend. This friend, your soul, you don’t have to impress. She’ll love you unconditionally. This gal – you – will build you up and support you no matter what you do. She’ll get you back on track, she’ll keep you from being spiteful, and she’ll take you to a whole new life – one you never before dared dream. She’ll calm you down, and insist that you listen. Pay attention to your soul. Work toward making her the most important part of your being. When you’re lonesome listen to your friend as she encourages you to get involved. Don’t tell her no. Go, do, and try whatever it is she is asking. When life gets hard, she’s there. When life is good, she’s there. She can, if you let her, be your very best friend in the world.
Going it alone is difficult. Going it with this new found friend, though really weird at first, will make your life more fulfilling. When you head out to supper alone one voice will say, ‘You can’t go! If someone sees you, you’re going to look pathetic!’ This new voice will say, ‘Let’s go eat pancakes. When was the last time you had pancakes?’ Then off you’ll go. I’ll admit, it feels a tad bit like you’re going off your rocker when you start thinking of yourself as your very best friend. Isn’t it sad that we easily accept the grump from within, but loving ourselves feels like something we shouldn’t be doing?
Keep it real. Keep with the living and don’t allow yourself to become an awkward antisocial. Hear the goodness in your heart then follow her encouragement that she offers every day. She’ll push you off the couch while keeping your eyes set on the prize. She’ll teach you to be self-sufficient so that you are never owing to others. She’s your ultimate supporter, if you let her be. When she tells you to exercise, do it. When she tells you that you cannot afford it, put it back. She’ll remind you that right now, as you are, even if not perfect, you are worthy of love. When you believe this, get out in the world and do your part to make your corner better. Forget about the ex. He doesn’t deserve your soul. I’m sure he’s got enough to deal with, with his own.
This struggle to conquer your loneliness might be your burden, your cross to carry, but it won’t be so heavy if you focus on this new found friend. There will be times, however, when life gets too hard, or her incessant optimism is going to annoy you. When that happens no doubt you’re going to stumble.
Without strengthening our spirit we’re at risk of caving in to the demons or vices that hold us down. Gossip, impatience, anger, over-spending, over-eating, substance abuse, complaining, procrastinating, a ‘life-is-out-to-get- me’ attitude are all road-blocks that prevent our soul from being healthy. These are hard battles to fight and there will be some we’re going to lose. If you cave to the temptation, rest, reflect, pray, acknowledge your downfall then get back up and start all over again. With courage accept yourself, warts and all, and forgive yourself your stumbles while you work toward healing your broken spirit When you fall, and you will, no matter how often, get back up and just like those elementary relays we played in gym, go back to the beginning and start all over again. Don’t ever give up trying to make yourself a better human being. Every day for the rest of your life, work toward this perfection, an impossible but wonderful goal.
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Every day we fill our calendars with a million chores to do, but few of us include introspection on our list. It takes discipline to stay centered on taming the beasts that live within and unfortunately most of us don’t take the time. We have to learn to find peace and compassion if we are going to be truly happy people. We have to make being happy a priority. Silence the anger. Silence the revenge. Let him go, let him live, let him love and you go do the same. It’s time to heal.
It’s hard to be objective when you really want your husband. Maybe you believe with all of your heart that you belong with him and in time it’s going to happen. You don’t know this. No one does. Listen to the ex. If he wants out accept it and let him go. He’s been planning his escape for a long time now. It didn’t happen overnight even though to you it seems it did. You can’t change his mind once it’s been made. You shouldn’t even try. The better you know who you are the less likely you’ll be deceived. When you truly know who you are, the less fearful you will be of a solitary life and the easier it will be to let him go. When you can let him go in your words and in your heart, your phone calls and your emails, healing has indeed taken place.
Consider the kind of energy you want to project into the world. Before you step foot out of bed ask yourself how you want to live the next twenty-four hours. Remind yourself that you have yet another day, another gift to enjoy, and plan to make it one that reflects your appreciation for all that you’ve been given. Ask yourself if you are a pro-active force or are you someone who brings the world down around you? Can you sense how others react when they see you coming? Are they welcoming or can you detect anxiety in their eyes? Do you hog the conversation, going on and on, and on without noticing the looks of defeat on the faces of those with whom you’re speaking? Do you force your views or are you someone who enjoys, and respects diversity? Are you a team player or do you isolate yourself and refuse to be a part of the group? Do you perform your share of the work, or do you use others to get your way? Are you a force of love, and support, or has the world beaten you up so much you no longer have anything left to give? Do you know what people think of you? Do you care? If you met you would you like what you saw? Would you want to be your friend?
We live lives that are out of control, lives that prevent us from giving our best. When we’re traveling through our years at break-neck speeds it gets really difficult to love. Do, do, do we do all day long without remembering we have to live, and we have to love. When life at home or at work feels like a game of Tetris in fast motion there’s no time for anything but work. We play this game like Tetris, faster and faster we go, competing with others knowing we can never succeed. Like the animals in the wild when the sun comes up it’s run or die. And run we do all day long, but to be happy, we have to find time to love. To be happy we have to let others know they’re loved. At the speeds we travel this can’t happen. Like it or not, showing others we love and appreciate them takes time and it also takes planning.
Plan in the morning how you are going to live your day. When you go to bed reflect. Did you allow the world to get the best of you or did you end up giving it your best? Did you work toward a new hope and a different dream? Or did one more day pass by with still no commitment from you? Was your day spent in love or with snide remarks? We’re a sassy, sarcastic group. One that screams out to the world that we hurt. Where are you going? What side will you choose?
Support yourself when you fall and be proud of your accomplishments. Like losing weight this doesn’t happen over night. When you get weak and find loneliness or negativity creeping into your life stop what you’re doing, pray, listen, and find peace knowing you are going to be okay. You will be. When I found myself feeling very much on my own, incredibly aware that few people care, I focused on me, right then. I stopped asking why nobody was interested. I gave up worrying about why they took off and I started to care about me, someone with whom I have, if only a small bit, at least a little control.
If you believe your soul is God given, and a connection to all that is good, that belief can help you transform your sadness into a sense of peace and acceptance. If you watch other people while looking for the face of God you will be humbled. To paraphrase John Bradford, ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’ You could have been anyone, but for the grace of God you are you. You could have been the husband who left, or - the other woman, but for the grace of God you are you. Pay attention to your soul and immerse it with the souls of the world. See God in the young, the old, and in all who have suffered. Be humble and accept that you don’t have all of the answers. Humility comes from having an open mind, the place where a healthy soul can flourish. Know your beliefs, stand your ground, be open to new ideas, and trust what is right for you. Read, study, and practice lessons taught by the great philosophers and spiritual leaders. You will get through this crisis if you take time to remember your soul.
Find a spiritual teacher, an experienced sage, or a pastor to educate you. Search the T.V., the internet, or meet with a real human who can lead you on a spiritual journey. Listen to CDs and watch DVDs of scholars who can educate you. Read books, stories of inspiration, and study all kinds of religion. Don’t be afraid to branch out from your traditional readings. It doesn’t make you a blasphemous heretic to learn from other’s beliefs. Most religions encourage goodness. Find this goodness in yourself. It’s there. Don’t allow the selfishness of your husband, or any one else, to take this from you too.
You may find prayer or meditation useful practices to help deepen your soul. Pray to find strength, meditate to find stillness. Pray not out of superstitious beliefs or to have your wish list granted, but pray to find support and answers. Gandhi said, ‘Prayer is not asking. It is the longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.’ When I stopped praying for a husband or a friend, and instead I prayed for peace, I found it. Silence your mind. Hear your soul talk. Ask what you need to do to improve your situation then listen. And when you’re really feeling alone, pretend you’re a Tibetan monk on a spiritual quest. You might discover it’s easier to get along with yourself than the folks that you’re wanting to know. Change your attitude. That’s all.
Scientists have theorized that we all have a ‘happiness’ threshold. Some of us are naturally happy and in time after a tragedy we will return to our personal base. Some people on the other hand are innate grumps. It’s easy to conclude that if we are naturally pleasant that in time we’re going to be okay, but if we’re born and bred moaners there’s not much we’re able to do. That’s not necessarily true. Grouches have to work harder, that’s all. Friedrich Nietzsche said, “There is one thing one has to have: either a soul that is cheerful by nature, or a soul made cheerful by work, love, art, and knowledge.” If you’re not finding tranquility, make yourself happy by getting to work and falling in love with life. Forget about everyone else for the time being (except your children), and fill your soul with life.
When you reach that one moment (and you will), the one that is too heavy to bear, and the burden of loneliness grows too intense turn inward. The second you feel panic set in and isolation consuming your soul, quiet your mind and look for peace. It’s there. Breathe deeply and count to ten, to a hundred if you have to. Don’t hit the pills, the cigs, or the bottle. Find consolation in prayer, in meditation, in your soul. Focus. Remember you are not alone. You have you a connection to everything else in this world. Silence yourself, calm the panic, breathe long slow breaths, then get out into the world where there are people even if it’s only to the park you go. Remind yourself that right now, where you are, you are okay. This instant is all you need and in this instant everything is good. It’s hard. There were weekends, too many to count, I went shopping for no other reason than to hear the voice of another. We all need someone with whom to share our life. Finally, after years of searching, I found that someone, the very best friend I’ve ever had - Me. I suppose some people might find the idea of being your very own best friend pathetic, but I believe it’s essential. To truly love others you must first learn to love yourself.
Suppose we really are given the same lesson time and again until we’ve finally learned it. Perhaps the lesson for the lonely is to realize that a life alone does not have to be bad and in fact it can be quite awesome. Morihei Ueshiba in The Art of Peace said, ‘Bravely face whatever the gods offer.’ The gods have offered us solitude. Let’s bravely face it knowing we can conquer the sadness when it happens and we can learn to enjoy this time alone. If we accept that right here, right now all is good, if we remind ourselves that we were more lonesome when we were part of a ‘happily’ married couple, if we look at other people and see they suffer too, longing to be understood, wishing to be better than they can ever be, we will understand we are not alone. All of us, married, singles, young and old, we are alone, in the same boat together. The playing field is level. We are not worthless, we are not less than anyone else because someone we loved had struggles of his own. We are perfect, just as we are – imperfect. Being alone isn’t the issue. What matters is how we choose to respond to this solitude. Will it be a burden, or a gift from the Lord to be cherished? The choice is yours and yours alone.
Recap / To Do:
• Know who you are and that you are every bit as important as everyone else – no more, no less.
• We all have the potential for love, even loving the most unlovable.
• Stand up for your beliefs.
• Don’t let stress get the best of you. Let stress be an indicator that your life has got to change.
• We are unique, yet there are ways we’re all the same.
• Plan daily what kind of energy you want to send into the world.
• Plan in the morning, reflect at night.
• When loneliness tries to take hold, stop, drop, and pray. Mediate, quiet your mind, then get out with other people.
• Your soul can’t predict the future.
• We’re all connected.
• Others will be OK without your love – except for the kids – you need to love regardless without expecting anything in return..
• Your soul wants to love everyone even if you don’t.
• Love for your own growth as much as for the other person.
• Study
• Find a teacher
• Read books of inspiration
• Pray, daily.
• Meditate, daily.
• Fill your soul with work, love, art, and knowledge
‘Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.’
- Gandhi
KNOW YOURSELF
Socrates
How well do you REALLY know yourself?
Answer each of the following with your number once choice. Sitting on the fence is no longer an option.
Color
Song
Dinner
Dessert
Time of day
Book
Pet
Charity
Hero
Politician
Actor
Actress
Cats or dogs?
Flower
Thing to do alone
What was the best day of your life?
Thing to do with friends
Kind of car
Breakfast
Perfume
Holiday
Restaurant
Movie
Sport
Drink
Item of clothing
Best kiss?
Piece of art
Place to visit
Cookie
Season
TV show
Genre of music
Broadway play
Genre of movies
Genre of books
Best memory as a mom?
Now, give your least favorite fit for each option.
Vacation spot
If you could host a dinner party with five guests, dead or alive, who would they be?
Animal
Language
Body part – yours
Body part - his
Best memory as a wife?
Designer
Funniest joke?
Comedian
Sunday morning for fun
Best memory as a child
Best memory as a daughter
Best memory as a sister
Teacher
Professor
Accessory
Best friend EVER
Best sex
Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, or Charlotte?
If money was no issue, where would you go?
If money wasn’t an issue, what would you do?
Dresses or jeans?
Thelma or Louise?
Recipe
Magazine
Wine
What makes you most nervous ?
What makes you happy?
What makes you come alive?
Thing you would do if you could
Chocolate
Quote
Room in the house
BOOKS TO READ
(star ratings based on )
• Taming the Tiger Within - Thich Nhat Hanh - 4 ½ stars
• The Hiding Place – Corrie Ten Boom – 5 stars
• Iyanla Vanzant CDs
• The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die – John Izzo – 4 ½ stars
• Forrest Gump – Winston Groom – 4 stars
• The Shack – William Young - 4 stars
• Love is Letting Go of Fear - Gerald G. Jampolsky, Hugh Prather, and Jack O. Keeler – 4 stars
• 15 Minutes Alone With God – Emilie Barnes – 5 stars
• The Five Stages of the Soul – Harry R. Moody, Ph.D. – 5 stars
• You’re Only Young Twice – Ronda Beaman – 5 stars
• The Artist’s Way – Julia Cameron – 4 ½ stars
• tuesdays with Morrie – Mitch Albom – 4 stars
• Siddhartha – Hermann Hess – 4 ½ stars
• Simple Abundance – Sarah Ban Breathnach – 4 ½ stars
• A Return to Love – Marianne Williamson – 4 ½ stars
• The Prophet – Kahil Gibran – 5 stars
• Giving – Bill Clinton – 4 stars
• The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself – Michael Singer 5 stars
• Soul Communication: Opening Your Spiritual Channels for Success and Fulfillment – Zhi Gang Sha 5 stars
• The Love Dare - Stephen Kendrick and Alex Kendrick 4 ½ stars
• The Last Lecture - Randy Pausch and Jeffrey Zaslow 4 ½ stars
• Three Cups of Tea: One Man’s Mission to Promote Peace …One School at a Time - Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin – 5 stars
• The Pillars of the Earth – Ken Follett 4 ½ stars
• The Year of Living Biblically: One Man’s Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible – A.J. Jacobs 4 ½ stars
• Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth – Richard Foster 4 ½ stars
• Man’s Search for Meaning – Viktor Frankl – 4 ½ stars
• Loving-Kindness – Sharon Salzberg – 5 stars
• The Way of the Pilgrim – Translated by: Helen Bacovcin – 5 stars
* Green – I read and recommend
* Blue – Okay, but didn’t grab my attention
* Black – On my ‘To Read’ list
MOVIES TO WATCH
□ Gandhi
□ Schindler’s List
□ City of Angels
□ Cry the Beloved Country
□ Pay it Forward
□ Life is Beautiful
THINGS TO DO, PLACES TO GO
CHOOSE 2
□ Theater
□ Art Museum
□ Symphony
□ Church
□ Canoeing, kayaking
□ Start a project
□ Walk
□ Get closer to nature
□ Draw, paint, sculpt
□ Bathe: wine, bubbles, music
□ Slow down and enjoy life
□ Get quiet and listen
□ Pray –for strength
□ Keep a running list of things you love
□ Keep a running list of things that trouble you
□ Make one thing a year that requires time and love for someone special in your life
□ Give to others without expecting anything in return
□ Write a letter to a teacher who inspired you or made you feel loved
□ Work in an Elderhostel
□ Listen to music
□ Flowers in your home
□ Be someone’s mentor
□ Look in your child’s eyes and see yourself
□ Grow something
□ Give to charity – anonymously
□ Flowers on the doorstep of your neighbor
□ Collect pennies to give to charity
□ Find lost, to you, college friends
□ Cards to your friends
□ Life-drawing class
□ Yoga
□ Organize a food drive for a women’s shelter
□ Feed the homeless
□ Build bluebird houses
□ Adopt a senior citizen
□ Spend an entire weekend completely alone
□ Turn of the TV for an entire week
□ Send your mom something just because
□ Sponsor a child anonymously
□ Host a surprise birthday party for someone
□ Send an anonymous gift
□ Learn a VERY good prayer
□ Feng Shui House
□ Pick a friend a week and pray for them
□ Watch people and pray for them
□ Find your inner beauty
□ Live your inner beauty
□ Pray while cleaning your home
□ Share your home by entertaining b/c your home is a gift to be used
□ Hold doors for others
□ Give up focusing on your hurt and reach out to others
□ Pay it Forward
□ Collect news clippings to share with friends
□ Never underestimate your ability to make somebody’s day
□ Rather than assuming it’s best to say nothing, complement others – often
□ Be respectful, be wise, and do what you can to right the wrongs of the world
□ Pray for your ex
□ Remember time is limited – don’t waste it being a negative force
□ Practice calling upon God to get you through the hard times
□ Pray while sitting in boring meetings
□ TOM Shoes
Where Do You Stand and WHY?
What would it take to change your opinion? Do you know why you’re thoughts are as strong as they are? Have you ever looked at the other side? Take a peak at the other side. You may find that your beliefs are based on misconceptions, superstitions, or just plain tradition. Maybe you don’t really believe what you think you believe after all. When I was a married woman with the ‘perfect’ family my views were pretty conservative. As a single gal in the south, it seems I’ve become a liberal thinker. The reality is, I’ve always been a liberal minded gal. The woman I ‘pretended’ to be, wasn’t the real me after all. How about you?
□ God
□ The Bible
□ Church
□ Abortion
□ Gay Marriage
□ Evolution
□ Stem Cell Research
□ Immigration laws
□ Spring/Autumn relationships
□ Sex and the single
□ Men and infidelity
□ Women and infidelity
□ Infidelity
□ Medical Marijuana
□ Ouija Boards
□ Ghosts
□ Financial Bail-Outs
□ The other political party
□ Divorce
□ Marriage
□ Cuss words
□
9. Recognize your lows before they get you. With time it gets easier to identify when the rollercoaster of life is heading in a downward spiral. If you get the feeling life is descending, or lonesomeness is trying to take over, change your activity. Become involved in a project, spend time out of the house, go to the theater, do something. Divert the blues. I’ve been down in the dumps enough to know depression and sadness serve little purpose other than artistic inspiration and a better appreciation for simple things. In spite of that appreciation, I’d forgo the blues any day. With practice, the lows become easier to detect and deflect. The stronger you get, the more involved in your life you become, the less power the lows will have over you.
10.Live each day as the gift it was meant to be. I know it feels like you’ve lost too much. Not only have you lost the man you love, you’ve lost the life you were living. If you change your outlook you’ll see there still is hope. Who could ask for anything more than what we have right here, right now? The riches at our disposal are more plentiful than we deserve. Consider all of the beauty in this world. Imagine the art, technology, choices and our freedom. It overwhelms. Certainly, we ask for more. We are insatiable creatures. I want more money, to be thin, to be free of cranky people, and of course I want our beautiful world to be healthy again. If you silence yourself from worry, and enjoy life as the incredible gift it was meant to be, a new appreciation for your time here will give you delight not to be taken for granted. You are surrounded by beauty, yours for the taking if you take notice. The twinkle in an old man’s eye, the smile on a baby’s face, the magic of a hummingbird are all blessings we take for granted. Appreciate the simple things and your life will become full again. ‘Live your life while you have it. Life is a splendid gift.’ So said Florence Nightingale.
11.Pray for others. Become a people watcher (not stalker). Look at the faces of strangers and know they suffer the same as you. Then say a prayer. Buddha told us, “Have compassion for all beings, rich and poor alike; each has their suffering. Some suffer too much, some suffer too little.’ A child crossing the intersection, as you wait in your car, needs a prayer. The woman on the bus, looking out the window, needs your prayer. The cranky, bossy clerk has more troubles than you know, say a prayer. Even if she doesn’t have troubles, and she’s just a natural born grump, pray for her because she may prevent others from having a happy life. Praying for others helps build compassion and gets rid of those negative, uptight feelings we hold close to our hearts. When we watch others we see the world suffering with us rather than fighting against us. Pray for others.
The Prophet (on Love)
- Kahil Gibran
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you into whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
Esteem
Esteem
You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserves your love and affection.
- Buddha
It’s not my intention to write a memoir or to talk incessantly about myself but in this section I am going to share a lot about my teenage years. I’m of the belief that many, though not all, divorcees had a harder upbringing than most of the marrieds. I also believe I am not the only woman who suffered from confusion and misguided direction in her youth. I hope you read between the lines to get the lessons from my past. Self-esteem is a biggie. As long as we feel inadequate, even if we squall, ‘I’m fine… damnit’, we’ve got some serious work to do if we’re ever going to reach our true potential.
Long before divorce I struggled with a poor self-image. Not only did I marry a gay man, live with him for thirteen years and would have stayed a lifetime, as miserable as I was, I always let others lead the way. Whatever anyone wanted to do I went along for the ride. One bad marriage wasn’t enough. I gave my hand yet again to a chap who spent his entire life degrading women. It’s a bit of an understatement to say I didn’t set the bar very high. I didn’t realize I deserved any better.
Up until I was twelve, or thereabouts, I had a pretty healthy opinion of who I was. Way back then I was one of the best students in my school, interested in learning, and proud of my accomplishments. Life was a whole lot different when Mom was in charge, boys were still gross, and doing well at school was exciting. Elementary school was a dream yet those junior high years were anything but. If anyone doubts Darwin’s theory of survival all they have to do is spend a day in a middle school. The children, like the animals of the wild, prove the strongest, most adaptable to change will survive. Who is the cutest, the coolest, the richest, the most confident girl in the class? Who is the most daring, the most active, the one most willing to do taboo, unacceptable things? And who gets the guys? Competition is always a threat and it doesn’t take long to spot the girls who are number one in each and every field. Although I was one of the ‘popular’ girls and loved everyone at the top, I never considered myself an alpha female in any particular department so I drew the unfortunate conclusion I wasn’t measuring up to the rest.
If I had anything it was the smarts, and smarts in junior high, at least at mine, didn’t matter. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that what my allies deemed cool was more important than the status of my grades. In time my scores fell, my interests changed, and I graduated from high school dumber than a rock. It didn’t matter that I knew right from wrong, or that I was one of the last to succumb to teenage pressure. I didn’t want to be a prude so off I went tagging along for the ride. I started to care less about who I was and I grew more concerned with what everyone else was thinking. Somewhere along the way I lost myself. We were having fun and isn’t that what mattered? Even though we were having fun, in the back of my mind, I kept hearing the good little girl from my past asking, ‘What the hell are you doing?’ (though she never would have used the ‘h’ word). For Pete’s sake, I ended up at a Hell’s Angels party in a gravel pit, in the middle of nowhere! I still remember the biker dude with his pet rat on his shoulders and I was absolutely terrified, wondering how in the world did I get there, and thinking maybe – like the cop who pulled me over suggested - it was time for me to find new friends. Sorry Ma. That’s the first you’ve heard about it, I know.
Bit by bit, day after day for years on end my esteem took a beating. I berated myself because I wasn’t pretty enough, confident enough, or enough of anything to matter to anyone at all. I didn’t exercise enough, dress cool enough, or care enough about anything except my friends and their approval. And I had flaws to boot. I was too grumpy, too whiny, too negative, too fat, too plain, and that hair of mine...aahhhhhhh. I was too hard to get along with, too lazy, and far too dumb for my very own good. I had no idea who I was or what I was doing with my life and that in itself proved I was far too stupid to ever succeed on my own. I had no idea the true value of my potential and now that I’m older I wonder how far I could have gone had I believed in myself like I did in elementary school.
Without direction and with little support I didn’t have a clue. I was told by those who ‘loved’ me most I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t smart enough, and unlike Stewart Smalley, no one would ever want me. I taught myself how to handle life by following my messed up friends. Even though I was, at one time, the ‘smart’ girl in the class most of my ‘average’ friends (whom I thought were more confused than I) somehow got it together surpassing me in all walks of life. While these ‘average’ friends (who are not so ‘average’ – careful teachers) have been successful in all they set out to achieve, I have floundered. I have three degrees to my name and ended up with a job where I am told everyday I’m not good enough (NCLB and its insanity). I earn a salary that is little more than minimum wage if we tally up the hours (I make far less than what is reported as the national average). I am one of a few in my group of school friends who has divorced, and I did it twice. As a kid, I let others take control. As an adult, I still continued to follow the lead. I was a wreck by my early twenties topping off my low self-esteem with a good old dose of marrying a man every bit as toxic as I. Until I was dumped by my last husband at mid-age and forced to take a good long hard look at myself, my esteem was about as low as it could get. No wonder I fell prey to so many snakes in the grass.
I don’t know why your marriage ended. Maybe it was a knock-you-on-the-side-of-the-head kind of reason like mine, or perhaps it fell apart because you grew in different directions. Maybe over time someone lost interest and you found yourselves stuck in a rut, one not paying attention to the other, both of you doing your own thing until somebody said, ‘This isn’t enough.’ The flame weakened, the romance faded, and without even realizing the cold hard reality was upon you, the spark had died out completely. Whatever happened to end your marriage one of you lost the love-bug, and a whole lot like the flu the virus had run its course. No matter how a relationship ends, whether love fades, boredom sets in, or life’s disappointments take their toll, it’s easy to feel inadequate when we couldn’t hold on to the dream no matter how worn out that dream had become.
Doesn’t it sometimes feel like life is one humongous standardized test and every person we meet is giving us a grade? Overweight? You know someone is giving you an F whether you’re a hundred pounds over or five. Late for every meeting? You earn a D. Moody all the time? That can’t be good. It’s probably going to earn you an F. Sassy, a C. Discount clothes- though better than none - will earn you a D from somebody. Smiling and kind, an A. Holding together the American dream, the job, the family, your marriage, and a shapely figure to boot, while owning an expensive car, a gorgeous home, and the most recent styles - well that has got to earn you a double A+. If you earned it on your own following the rules that’s wonderful, but just like in high school, an A is an A whether you cheated, you’re miserable, you’re in debt up to your eyeballs, or you’ve earned that money in a less than admirable way. Just as long as you’ve got the dream you’ve earned yourself that AA+. If, however, you find yourself in front of a judge petitioning for divorce, you’ve earned instead a gigantic, red, capital letter F. Even worse, the scumbag who left you couldn’t be bothered to show up forcing you to own the entire amount of shame on your own. FF+!
We’re all taking tests all of the time and it doesn’t take an Einstein to figure out that when we fail at marriage we failed a huge examination. This was one of those group efforts where you did all the work and the other guy cost you the grade. Didn’t you hate group projects? Hey, you chose your partner. That was your part of the grade. No wonder others seem smug. Just like in high school those who are successful, earning one A after the next, they’re leaving us in the dust as we try to figure out how we failed. They’re not even thinking about us because they’ve got what they want. We instead are comparing our sad tale to theirs while asking ourselves, ‘Why them, and not us? Or ‘Why us, and not them?’ And just like in high school, when we failed, the rewards are few and far between.
We earned an F in marriage and with that F there are consequences. The car is downsized, the house is in disrepair, the clothes are eight, maybe ten years (if we’re lucky) in the closet, and forget about retirement. We’re going to be working until we’re well into our hundreds at this rate. We’re not coming close to making ‘A’s on anything our world deems precious. We’re lucky if we can hold down a ‘C’ and that’s just average. We can’t be average. We’re better than that. We have to be number one because that’s what the world expects and if we’re not number one, we’re just not good enough. Ouch! How did we get ourselves into this mess? I’ll tell you how. Just like in high school when our grades weren’t so good it all boils down to preparation.
Now I’m not saying either of us got what we deserved or that being average is something to cause us shame. We probably did the very best we could with the tools and beliefs that we had. Had we prepared ourselves better, taken care of our needs before we got married, maybe we would have understood ourselves well enough never to have married him in the first place. Sadly, maybe the things we believed about ourselves (this guy is the best we could ever hope to get) were told to us by the ones we loved most. So why would we believe any different?
Did you know your importance before you tied the knot? Or did you put him on a pedestal giving him your power along with your hand? I was marrying a med-student. It couldn’t get better than that. It was obvious to all I was ‘marrying up’. I wasn’t good enough for the man, or so everyone thought. Med-school student vs. the Hell’s Angels party chick? I think you get my point. I had to be the luckiest girl in the world to have found someone so smart, so good, so kind. Hogwash. This smart, good, kind man made my life more difficult than anyone I’ve ever known. He is neither good nor kind. He walked away from the mess he created in my life as if nothing ever happened. It would have served me better to have found myself long before I ever allowed myself to marry anyone. Then I never, ever, ever would have believed I was ‘marrying up’ no matter how appealing the man.
How about your voice? Did you have one or were his ideals the only ones you followed? Did you have it in you to stand your ground if he tried to be disrespectful? Could you do it without instigating a fight or using the silent treatment, my chosen method of defense? Could you, did you, strong and assertively ever tell him he was not going to treat you as less than his equal? Or did you suppose him right when he showed you who was boss, believing you didn’t deserve any better? Gosh divorce is hard. It forces us to figure out an awful lot about ourselves and that can be a scary thing to do.
One therapist I met told me it is important for those of us who suffer from a low esteem to go back to our past and try to pinpoint the cause of our poor self-image. Some would argue his Freudian view, as do I. Personally I found it helpful to revisit my childhood. I know exactly the reasons I gave myself to two unhealthy men. I know precisely what caused my low self-image. Identifying the root of my poor image shone a light on my behaviors that made complete and total sense. My trip down memory lane helped me, but I don’t know if the past is a good place for all to ponder. I have friends with stories much worse than mine; pasts that are probably best left just where they are at. You’ll have to make that decision for yourself.
What I do know is that if we believed since we were children we aren’t good enough we have to change our attitude today and respect ourselves if for no other reason than because we’re human. Maybe you were a bitch and he was right to leave. I was at times because I was miserable. Neither of my husbands really loved me. Neither showed me respect. Of course there were times I was less than jovial in their presence. Maybe instead of being a kind and loving partner he scared you, and in that fear your confidence disappeared a long time ago. He’s gone now. God willing you won’t ever have to deal with that kind of tension again. Grow strong and leave the past behind. Don’t allow yourself to be treated as an inferior being again, and don’t feel guilty if you do. Recognize it and do better next time.
If you do take a trip down memory lane don’t forget to visit the young girl you were in elementary school, the one who loved life unconditionally. I hope she is filled with joy, innocence, and possibilities. Every year I see tremendous potential being derailed at school by peer pressure, poor parenting, and a system that, I believe, sets kids up for failure. I see twelve-year-olds who think they’re masking their low self-image under heaps and piles of make-up. These are the very girls the older boys instinctively see as easy targets. These are the girls who are headed down a sad road of use and abuse. They don’t see it. They think they are women of the world, but I see vulnerable, naïve, incredibly exposed victims in the making. I see what the guys see. It only takes a few months for some of these girls go from sweet, innocent, ‘A’ students to defiant, mean-spirited, in-your-face kids who are barely making the grade. Only months it takes to get there, but it may take decades, if ever, for them to finally realize their worth. I was older than twelve when it happened, but it happened to me just the same.
If you go back to your childhood memories return to those interests that once triggered joy. I gave up art when I was told by my father I was wasting my time. (I turned to television instead.) Now I’m painting again. It was a childhood joy. I’m running once more, a pressure reliever I used in college, but one I gave up when I married. He didn’t like to run, parenting got in the way, but now I’m doing it again and by months end I’ll have completed a half marathon. I am returning to the interests I had decades ago and while I kick myself for wasting so many years I’m determined not to fritter away another minute. Oh the potential I lost unnerves me. All I can do is start where I am today even if my peers are nearing the finish line and I find myself back at the starting gate beginning again with my kids.
The competition is fierce, isn’t it? People are forever putting on big shows insisting that they are right, and demanding things go their way, even if it’s clear they have no idea what it is they are doing. If we suffer from a low self-image it’s nothing short of a miracle to stand firm in our beliefs when others try to tell us we are wrong. We don’t think our opinion matters so we waiver agreeing to do things we normally wouldn’t do just to keep the peace. We get bulldozed by those who know they know better even if their esteem is unwarranted, grandiose, and their pasts have not proven they’re quite as together as they want us to think. We’ve become a civilization that thrives on independence, so looking out for number one has become the number one objective. When we don’t believe we’re worthy of being a billion and one, let alone ‘The’ number one, how do we ever survive? We’re not going to fight, bully, and deceive in order to get what we want, but they will. And they’ll try to take from us what they can, if we let them.
Looking out for number one is a good tactic for creating an unhappy soul but it seems it’s the formula a lot of folks follow. Martin Seligman shares his concerns in his book Learned Optimism, that because of the ‘waning of the commons’ (lost belief in God, nation, and family) and the ‘waxing of self’(unprecedented seriousness of personal control) we’re now a nation experiencing a depression epidemic. We’ve got to do better for ourselves and for our world. We’ve got to take responsibility for who we are and who we want to be. We’ve got to know what it is we want, and how we expect to be treated. We need to do all of this while continuing to be loving and kind. It’s hard, and maybe near impossible at times to do all of this. Our behaviors – good or bad - reflect to the world an awful lot about who we have become. Take a long look at who you are and decide truthfully if you are on the right track. If an attitude adjustment is all you need, you can build for yourself a world exactly as you perceive it.
If you trust in God, God is one hundred percent real and no one will ever convince you otherwise. If instead you put your faith in astrology, the positions of the stars and their alignment in relation to your birth, will determine your reality. If you believe in ghosts, you’re going to witness paranormal visits. If you don’t, you won’t. If you think your ex is a prick, that’s exactly what he will be. Rather, if you allow yourself to see his goodness, you’ll find a nicer man. If you think you are unworthy, disgrace will be your certainty. If however, you see your life and all that comes with it as a gift you will have all you need to be happy. Even if you believe in yourself, just like everything else – God, astrology, ghosts, whatever – that doesn’t mean the rest of the world will agree. But if you want to change your life, it’s your belief and yours alone that matters. You are the one, the only one, who has to find your way.
When I was a teenager I prided myself on my ability to lie. I loved the power that came with words and the control that they gave me. At the time I cared nothing about my character. All I cared about was doing what I wanted without suffering any consequences. Every remark that came out of my mouth was a fib. I lied so much, I didn’t believe a word I said let alone what anyone else was telling me. I finessed my skills of lying by telling the unflattering truth in a ‘can’t you tell I’m lying’ tone. I cheated on many tests in my junior and senior years, depending on someone else to steal them, so I could have the answers distributed next day. I was good at lying and because I was so good at it I knew everyone else was as talented as I. I did not like this world I had created. I hated who I had become and I trusted no one. Every day of my life was a battle. If you think someone is unaffected by their lies trust me, they are paying dearly – even if it seems otherwise. They are living their life with the universe stacked against them, spending their days always trying to outwit the world. I’ve been there. I know. And it is not a nice place to be.
As I moved through high school I told myself, ‘If you ever get out of this life you will never lie or cheat again. Ever!’ I never did. I was honest to a fault. One friend told me, ‘Nancy, your honesty is going to get you in trouble.’ Now, I was never one of those in your face, ‘your hair looks awful’ kind of gals (Who was I to talk?). I was the kind of honest girl who faced the music when she stepped out of line. I admitted my indiscretions whenever I did wrong – always – and no doubt I worried my friend to death the night the cops pulled us over, locked me in their back seat and interrogated me to find out who had the pot in my mother’s car. Luckily, because it was my mother’s car, I wouldn’t let them smoke it. I couldn’t lie, yet I wasn’t going to rat out my pals. Somehow, we made it through. My comrades chewing as fast as they could, and me with a warning to choose better friends. Aye, aye, aye. Still, I continued to be honest, no matter what price I’d have to pay. Sorry, Ma. That’s the first you’ve heard about it, I know.
When I gave up lying my self-respect improved. I was becoming a woman of integrity, but I was vulnerable. Like the world I had built filled with liars, when I developed my world of honesty I expected everyone to always be telling the truth. Vain – I know. My friend was right though. In time, my truthfulness got me in trouble. I had become far too naïve and incredibly exposed. I believed way too much from far too many people including the men I loved. And boy did I pay a price.
Now that my innocence is long dead and buried, I still don’t lie. I’ll admit, I’ve been known to stretch the truth with estranged husbands and my sixth graders if it helps either to behave. But I do not lie to most others (the occasional telemarketer gets a fib, it’s true). If I’ve done something less than admirable I face the music. It’s still not easy for me to spot a liar – some are far too good, just as I once was, but now, rather than believing someone because their lips are moving they must prove themselves before I trust them unconditionally, and I don’t trust very many. There are a lot of sharks out there, and very few people whom I admire. These days I don’t need to ‘settle’ to be included. Somehow being alone has allowed me to raise the bar on the quality of my friendships. I’d rather be alone than settle for people I do not like.
I’ll admit my new found confidence has not made me the most popular gal in town. Others aren’t so crazed by my independence. When I sense a vibe of self-centeredness I keep my distance refusing to be a pawn in their game. Unlike the martyr, pleasing others just to be accepted is no longer of interest to me. I’d rather be true to myself while living a life of values I think important. I used to be a passive aggressive pushover, concerned about what others thought, but ticked off when they treated me badly. Now, I live my life following my core beliefs and when I do I can be a good person who stands up for herself. I won’t go to any more gang parties just to tag along, or join a crusade I care little about. I won’t surround myself with mean-spirited people, or waste my time trying to make them happy. I will however, always, always, always welcome those into my life who are pro-active, optimistic people. I know they’re out there. I know they exist.
I read a lot and even though I have found true treasures rarely do I find a book that changes my view of life. This year, I read My Traitor’s Heart, by Rian Malan, a book about apartheid. Upon reading this book I was ashamed of my attitude. My Traitor’s Heart was my awakening. One chapter after the next reminded me of how lucky I am and that I have absolutely no reason to complain. I have grumbled very little since reading that book. The few times I griped I noticed how heavy my heart grew and I was all over myself again for acting like a spoiled brat. Like cleaning one’s body from junk food, a binge on potato chips can make anyone feel miserable. The same happens with me when I grow critical after being positive for so long. I was reminded of how poisonous our thoughts can be and how detrimental negativity can be to our growth.
Yes, I failed miserably at marriage earning two Fs in this subject and seriously I’m told nearly every day I’m not measuring up at my job – even though I’m good at it. I have no husband, no money, and not a single man in years has shown me the slightest hint of interest. I have no friends with whom I share my life. My car is twelve years old with no air-conditioning/or heat (depending on which I need). My house is wearing out, and my pants are so baggy the crotch hangs near my knees. My job is a going nowhere career stuck in sixth grade year after year. I could easily find reason to complain, and trust there are times that I do. I was the straight-A kid in elementary school and that kid is still a part of me. I continue to hear her banging in my head, ‘Hello’, she is saying, ‘Remember me?’ I do remember her and I’m happy to report that finally now I am listening.
I am bringing back that straight-A kid but this time on my terms. Now I make my own report card. I needed to lose weight and I did. Twenty-two pounds and counting (re: the crotch-kneed pants). I must run a half marathon, and I’m in training. I will write this book, hoping to inspire women of all walks of life, and tonight I’m working on page 201(which I’ve decided to move closer to page fifty). At work, until I leave, which I will, I give my best to instill a passion for learning hoping to inspire and motivate my students to become active participants in life. My goals, my evaluation of success, my esteem, every single bit of it is now in my hands. Late? Yes. Too late? Never.
I still get tongue-tied and I don’t like to voice my opinions. I continue to let others make group decisions because I know full well they’ll complain about any choice I’m going to make. Yet there are times, I am vocal and hard-headed. I, like most others, am a complicated woman. I don’t care for controversy nonetheless when I speak, argument always follows. I’m not an aggressive woman yet I spend much of my time with people who tell me I am wrong forcing me, I convince myself, always on the defense. Such are the struggles of living life as an alien in a foreign realm. I still have much, much work to do to become the woman I want to be, but I am getting closer.
I came to America to create the American Dream and ended up with a nightmare. Finally the nightmare is over, and making the dream is a new part of my plan. That doesn’t mean I’m going to become uber-rich. It doesn’t mean I am going to save the world from green house gases, or stop hunger in third world countries. It doesn’t mean I’ll find my knight in shining armor, get a brand new car, or hire that gardener I so want to employ. It does mean, however, I am going to build a life that feels right for me. I want peace, wisdom, purpose, and broadminded, cheerful, life-hungered people in my life. That’s about it. I think those few ingredients are all it takes to make life on Earth quite heavenly.
I’ve heard it said that God will bring people into your life as you need them. If this is the case, use (in a good way) the people with whom you’re surrounded to help you become a better person. People disappeared from my life, one by one. Some left, some I chose to get rid of, and God has not brought me replacements. I took this disappearance of family and friends as a sign to find meaning right now. I am working on it. I may be alone forever. I hope I am not. I am hopeful that when this book is finished a door to freedom will be opened and I will find for me a brand new life with uplifting, inquisitive friends at my door. But until that time, I use this time. It would be a shame to miss out on life while waiting for those life-hungered people to show.
My character and esteem, until I was a teenager was pretty good. I knew the value of hard-work, appreciated different opinions, and was truthful to my core. I knew who I was and was not afraid to try new things. Then came junior high, peers and boys, awkwardness and pimples, driving and old-school parents. Then alcohol and bad grades, on to college and bulimia, and finally with no idea of who I was, the biggest deal that put me where I am today, marriage. My, my, my. If I could tell that young girl then what I know now. My character as a teen was bad, my esteem was even worse, and goodness me what a price I paid. It took years for me to earn my character back and because I’ve lost so many important people in my life it would be easy to say I’m still unworthy, but I know different. I was depressed for nearly my entire life and I never even knew it. No wonder people left me to stew in my misery. I wasn’t as much fun to be around as I thought. Now, Thank the Lord, I’ve learned.
Nowadays when that ‘A’ kid within me asks, ‘What grade do you think you’d earn for the state of affairs in your bathroom?’ I get up and I clean. That ‘A’ kid, instead of procrastinating and worrying that she won’t be good enough, goes, and does, and practices so one day her talent will be worth sharing. Years ago with hundreds of friends I wanted everyone to like me. Now I don’t much care if anybody does. Sure, I love having friends, but from here on out my friends will love me for who I am, not because I’m a gal who’ll do anything just to be accepted. I’ve grown quite content in my own skin. It took two marriages, two divorces, and a decade of being alone to get me to this point and now I can say I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Way back when my husband left, I thought I heard God tell me he had something bigger and better in store for me. I do believe He was right.
If I am not for myself, who will be?
Pirke Avoth
12.Break down your walls. Get rid of them. Be brave but be smart when letting others enter your heart. It’s not necessary to fall in love with every person you meet. Let’s face it, not everyone is lovable and not everyone will reciprocate your feelings even if you are the best catch in the world. We live in an egotistical society where too many people care about little more than life in the minute or of how someone else can benefit their personal cause. Be cautious but don’t allow heartbreak to keep you from loving again. Learn to love yourself so you are free to love again without fear of disappointment. Disappointment may come, but at least you’ll know you can survive.
13. Cougar territory. Years ago the grand-daddy with the twenty-something on his side was mocked by women and admired by men. Now the tables have turned and lots, and lots of women are being poked fun at by men and cheered on by their female friends. It’s a new idea, that’s for sure, but if you venture into young man territory you better be prepared for the jokes, the assumptions he’s your son, and your own kids being mortified that the man you’re dating is their age. You also have to be realistic about whether his interest will fade as you age more quickly than he. It can be great fun while it’s happening, I suppose, though my rule is if the man is closer to my son’s age than mine he’s off limits. Be careful. There is a scientific biological reason men want younger women. Their natural instinct, whether we like it or not, is to reproduce. Be careful not to invest too much hope in young love relationships. Yes, you could beat the odds. As my mother said through clenched teeth when I told her I was marrying my second husband, ‘I guess if you think you must, you must.’ As an added bit of food for thought I can’t stress enough, because I’m a teacher, keep it legal.
14.Never compare, never, ever compare. The ex has the beautiful house, the magnificent cars, and the adorable new family. He travels to expensive resorts, taking your children with and the whole new family is as happy as can be. You, however, can barely make the mortgage payments, your car spends more time in the shop than on the road, and your biggest getaway in years has been to the neighboring town to shop. As for relationships and starting a new family, what relationships? It’s just you and the kids. It’s not fair! It hurts, I know. You’ve had no say in any of this and though it’s not right it is what it is. Let him go and all that he has with him. Why would you want a man like him anyway? Security? It’s clear there isn’t any. Love? He doesn’t have enough for you. You can do better – even alone - there is no doubt. Steinbeck told us, ‘There are some among us who live in rooms of experience we can never enter.’ We’re no longer invited into the rooms of splendor accessible to our ex, so let it be. Let him have what he earns and be happy with your hapless car and monthly trip to the mall. It’s all a matter of perspective. Five hundred years ago, you would be washing laundry in the river. The trip to the mall doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?
Be a Hero
Be a Super Hero
Thou shalt NOT be a victim.
Thou shalt NOT be a perpetrator.
Above all,
Thou shalt NOT be a bystander.
- Holocaust Museum, Washington, D.C.
Superman and Wonder Woman are amazing comic book heroes though without super powers, or a lasso of truth, they’re just regular (comic book) people. Now that you’re on a new journey and in need of recreating yourself, do it right and go for the gold by finding inspiration in real life heroes. I know there can only be one Einstein, one Gandhi, and one you. No imitations are allowed, but there is no need to reinvent the wheel. These heroes may not use super powers to save someone from a burning building, or have the ability to tell you if the dirty, rotten SOB was lying, but they have made, or are making, their time on this trip worthwhile, many of them in solitude, and they can inspire you to do the same.
Creative, hard-working, purpose-driven characters have a wealth of experiences and knowledge that can’t help but push us to do better. Simply watching our president in action, policy aside, his drive and determination inspires me to get off the sofa and into my life. Learn from those who have overcome extreme difficulties while creating lives for themselves that are truly magnificent. They will awe you, I am certain, and encourage you to push yourself to do better. They will prove to you that losing a man who chose another life isn’t such a big deal at all.
As you study these amazing men and women don’t let the ‘guilts’ get to you. Use their heroism to push you further even if further means getting the garbage curbside before the pick-up truck arrives. Theodore Roosevelt said, ‘Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.’ You may never create unbelievable movies, go to outer space, or start a peace movement but it’s of the utmost importance that you start ‘your’ movement and create for yourself a life of purpose and joy.
Also, I must warn that some of these ‘heroes’ may be a whole lot less than heroic. I’ve been studying a few of the men and women on my list and ended up removing one because I was ashamed for him rather than inspired. These are people. Some with great flaws. Even Edison, a true inspiration to me had his weaknesses. I read crazy stories that showed him to be a wickedly spiteful old coot when he felt his monopoly was threatened. Be cautious, but study. I guarantee you’ll find great stories. Sometimes more than what you bargained for.
We don’t have enough heroes. Be one. The kids need heroes. The world needs heroes. Find your life’s ambition and become a hero to all.
15.This is not going to be easy. According to Buddha, ‘Life is suffering.’ A life of solitude in a world made for couples can be depressing and it’s difficult to start over when those you loved love you no more. With self-esteem at its lowest it’s nearly impossible to pick up the remains of what’s become of you in order to find pleasure on a path you hadn’t considered. Patience though; in time the hurt and devastation will become a foundation for appreciating life’s simple pleasures. Martin Luther reminded us, ‘Until a man is nothing, God can make nothing of him.’ It’s up to you to make the best of this situation. Exploit your pain, make it work for you rather than against you in ways that help not harm. It’s not going to be easy, but you can do it.
16.This can be easier than you think. Life is a matter of attitude, a mind game if you will. Voltaire said, ‘God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.’ Play the game. After all if God is chuckling it can’t be all that bad. I married a gay man. In hindsight, I have to admit, I see a little humor.
17.Pro-Life – another way to think about it. Right now, this very day, choose life by becoming active. Identify three things you want to change then make a plan to see these goals come to fruition. Do you need to improve your job, your relationships, your family, or your home? Do you need to better your body, your brain, your soul? What about your wardrobe, your confidence, your self-esteem? It’s frightening to get involved in your own life. So far you’ve already messed up so doing nothing feels safer than trying and failing again. You need to know exactly what you want (the ex is not an option) and then set out to earn the gold. You may succeed, you may not, but you’re 100% going to fail if you don’t at least try. This is bigger than an annual list of New Years Resolutions. This is your life.
18.One day at a time. If all you can get through is one day at a time then by all means take it one day at a time. If an hour is the most you can hold on to, remember you survived the hour before and you will again the next. It gets easier. Each of us has our way of managing loss. Some women are more graceful at handling disappointments than others. You may have witnessed one friend fall apart in the aftermath of divorce (that’d be me) and another pick up the pieces and get on with living without so much as a hiccup in her life. We’re all different, but no matter how we handle the loss of a relationship it changes our direction. It’s scary. A future alone was not in your plans and it doesn’t make sense why he left, but he did. Forget about him and don’t try to figure him out. Get on with your life and begin living well. As sad as it seems, he doesn’t matter, in your life, any more.
SUPER HEROES TO STUDY
Choose 2
□ Gandhi
□ Martin Scorsese
□ Nelson Mandela
□ Leonardo Da Vinci
□ Elizabeth I
□ Viktor Frankl
□ Winston Churchill
□ Ralph Waldo Emerson
□ Charles Darwin
□ Dietrich Bonheoffer
□ Julia Child
□ Martin Luther King
□ Clara Barton
□ Alicia O’Brien
□ Florence Kelley
□ Sadako Sasaki
□ John Glenn
□ Jimmy Carter
□ Beatrix Potter
□ Rachel Carson
□ Theodore Roosevelt
□ Louis Pasteur
□ Bono
□ Jonas Silk
□ Anne Sullivan Macy
□ Abigail Adams
□ George Eastman
□ Gertrude Belle Elion
□ St. Francis of Assisi
□ Eric Liddle
□ Aung San Suu Kyi
□ Georgia O’Keeffe
□ Susan Love
□ Anna Sui
□ Lisa Price
□ Oscar Wilde
□ Paul Rusesabagina
□ Grace Kelly
□ Mae West
□ Mother Teresa
□ Marie Curie
□ John Kennedy
□ Abraham Lincoln
□ Ines Suarez
□ Annie Oakley
□ Joan of Arc
□ Evita Peron
□ Einstein
□ Annie Oakley
□ Grandma Moses
□ Condoleezza Rice
□ Milton Hershey
□ Sandra Day O’Connor
□ Deborah Sampson
□ Eunice Mary Kennedy Shriver
□ Eleanor Roosevelt
□ Judy Feld Carr
□ Steven Spielberg
□ Lucille Ball
□ Eileen Collins
□ Joan Ganz Cooney
□ Ella Fitzgerald
□ Patsy Cline
□ Ruth Bader Ginsberg
□ Katherine Graham
□ Sheila E. Widnall
□ Jim Henson
□ Helene Gayle
□ Thomas Edison
□ Mary Kay Ash
□ Margaret Thatcher
□ Golda Meir
□ Amelia Earhart
□ Susan Sontag
□ Georgia O’Keefe
□ Emily Dickinson
□ Mary Cassatt
□ Florence Nightingale
□ Molly Craig
□ Christiane Amanpour
□ Cleopatra
□ Maggie Kuhn
□ Maya Y. Lin
□ Antonia Novello
□ Mary Cassatt
□ Dorothy H. Andersen
□ Mildred Robbins Leet
□ Dorothea Lange
□ Dame Cicely Saunders
□ Elizabeth Blackwell
□ Elizabeth Glaser
□ Coco Chanel
□ Rachel Carson
□ Lady Hester Stanhope
□ Catherine the Great
□ Eleanor of Aquitaine
□ Victoria Woodhull
□ Alexandrine Tinne
□ HillaryRodham Clinton
□ Madeline Albright
□ John McCain
□ Barrack Obama
□ Hugh Downs
□ Barbra Walters
□ John Adams
□ Lisa Ling
□ Chien-Shiung Wu
□ Zora Neale Hurston
□ Mae Jemison
□ Harriet Tubman
BECOME a SUPER HERO
It takes two things to become a super hero. A super hero must help others and a super hero must be good. Spandex is optional.
□ Helping Others – Helping others gives us purpose. Without purpose life’s meaning is hard to understand. Who needs help? Children, single mamas, nonreaders, refugees, teenagers, the sick, the poor, the homeless, the lonely, the aged, the animals, the planet. This world needs all the help it can get. Find a cause that stirs your passion and get involved. If you’re ready to help, ask at schools, outreach centers, churches, or volunteer organizations to see if they need your services. Don’t overstep your boundaries. A super hero knows her place, know yours. Be a humble servant for your cause without expecting to rule the roost or get glory for your efforts.
□ Be Good - You don’t have to be a prude to be good. Being good means being kind, hard-working, sincere, humble, truthful, and giving. Selfishness has no place in super hero protocol. Do what you can above and beyond that which is expected in order to help those who depend upon you. Keep your integrity in check. You can be interesting and inviting, thoughtful and respectful and still have fun along the way.
BOOKS to READ
(star ratings from )
□ Discover Your Genius – Michael Gelb – 4 stars
Awakening the Heroes Within: Twelve Archetypes to Help Us Find Ourselves and Transform Our World – Carol Pearson – 5 stars (read like a textbook to me)
□ The Memoirs of Cleopatra – Margaret George (very, very long – by page 700 I
was ready for her to die, but great story) – 4 ½ stars
□ Ines of My Soul – Isabel Allende - 4
□ 50 American Heroes Every Kid Should Meet - Dennis Denenberg and Lorraine Roscoe – 5 stars (23 reviews)
□ Heroes of History – Will Durant – 4 stars (18 reviews)
□ 8 Spiritual Heroes: Their Search for God - Brennan R. Hill – 5 stars (one review)
□ The Stuff of Heroes: The Eight Universal Laws of Leadership – William Cohen – 5 stars (9 reviews)
□ The Joy of Conflict Resolution:
Transforming Victims, Villains and Heroes in the Workplace and at Home – Gary Harper – 5 stars (8 reviews)
□ Raising Everyday Heroes: Parenting Children To Be Self-Reliant – Elisa Medhus – 5 stars (5 reviews)
□ The Noticer – Andrew Andrews – 4 stars
□ The Autobiography of Ben Franklin – Benjamin Franklin – 4 ½ stars
□ Seafaring Women: Adventures of Pirate Queens, Female Stowaways, and Sailors' Wives – David Cordingly 5 stars (8 reviews)
□ Faith of My Fathers – John McCain – 4 ½ stars
□ Dreams from My Father – Barack Obama – 4 ½ stars
* Green - I have read and recommend.
* Black - on my ‘To Read’ list
MOVIES to WATCH
□ Paris, Je T’aime – make sure you see the postal worker from Colarado
□ Amelie – become the ‘Travelocity’ gnome
□ Evita – musical
□ Gandhi
□ Elizabeth
□ Elizabeth: The Golden Age
□ Life is Beautiful
□ To Kill a Mockingbird
□ Cool Runnings
□ Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
□ Finding Neverland
□ I am Sam
□ Yentl
□ The Peaceful Warrior
□ Pay it Forward
□ The Pursuit of Happyness
□ Anne of Green Gables
□ Tuesdays With Morrie
□ Rudy
□ Zorro
□ The Pianist
□ Hotel Rwanda
□ John Adams
□ Click
□ Hotel Rwanda
□ Crash
□ I Capture the Castle
□ The Joy Luck Club
□ Groundhog Day
□ Rabbit Proof Fence
□ Iron Jawed Angels
□ A Woman Called Moses
□ Schindler’s List
□ Little Miss Sunshine
□ Born Yesterday
□ Race the Sun
□ Before Sunrise
□ Snatch
□ My Cousin Vinnie
□ The Shawshank Redemption
□ Life as a House
□ Empire of the Sun
□ Chariots of Fire
□ October Sky
□ Stand and Deliver
□ The Hiding Place
□ Shadowlands
□ My Left Foot
□ The Straight Story
□ To Sir With Love
□ Dr. Strangelove
□ LaDolce Vita
□ Reds
□ Scenes from a Marriage
□ The Magnificent Ambersons
□ Claire’s Knee
□ Harold and Maude
□ Antwone Fisher
□ HBO Rome Series
□ Showtime’s Tudors
□ The Children of Heaven
□ Laputa: Castle in the Sky
□ Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
□ Don Juan DeMarco
□ Practical Magic
* Green – I have watched and recommend
* Yellow – Okay
* Black – on my ‘To Watch’ list
19.Write, write, write. Write for no other reason than to lance the toxins of anger and fear that poison your soul. Sharing your pain with others is unnecessary. People have struggles of their own and most don’t want to be burdened by your suffering. If you have a one-of-a-kind kind friend who is with you through thick and thin, be grateful and share. Lots of us don’t have someone with whom we can depend, so we have to learn to take care of our pain by ourselves. Let your writing become a healing tool. Write a self-help book to share your lessons learned. I’m sure you have opinions that are different from mine and your views are every bit as valid. Writing a book will give you a sense of purpose, motivate you to get on with living, and make you practice what you preach. Write to make your world come alive. In a Newsweek article from June 30, 2008, Harvard Neurologist, Alice Flaherty, said, ‘Writing is an effort of the brain to communicate for comfort.’ In the article readers were encouraged to blog, but writing in any format can be helpful. I write, I know, because I can’t seem to get anyone to hear me. When I write, it feels like there is someone who is listening. If you write your book, then you can cross it off your list of things to do.
20.LAUGH! A LOT! Rent silly movies, read crazy books and find every opportunity to laugh. Laughing makes you feel better. Bennett Cerf said, “The person who can bring the spirit of laughter into a room is indeed blessed.” Laugh at yourself and enjoy the mistakes you’ve made. I will forever be indebted to Mike Myers. During my first divorce I rented Austin Powers, and although I was crying my head off in despair I couldn’t help but laugh at the wonderful, randy Mr. Powers. When feeling down and out get out the silly movies. Comedians know the healing power of a good laugh.
21.Stop worrying. My entire life, before divorce, I worried about everything except my marriage. I was afraid of car wrecks, child abductions, ticks, money, war, plane crashes, anything and everything - except my marriage. My man never hit on other women, he treated me with respect, and we had three wonderful sons. What was there to worry about? Perhaps if I had shown concern, he never would have left. Somehow I don’t think my lack of worry caused him to leave. Worrying doesn’t protect you from anything, however, it does cause stress which can lead to serious health issues. Let junk go and accept the fact that you control very little in your life. Plan as best you can and deal with tragedy when it befalls, but don’t waste your life letting the unknown eat at your core. Left alone to deal with all the responsibilities of raising your children, while working full time, is stressful enough without the added burden of imagined tragedies. Let the worries go and give up trying to control those things you can’t.
HOW TO BECOME A SUPER HERO
Choose at least 2
□ Be honest – without being unkind
□ Be true to yourself at no one’s expense
□ Be brave – push yourself out of your comfort zone
□ Be proactive in your life – don’t give up, don’t ever give up. Shoot for the stars
□ Be a model for children – kids don’t have enough heroes. Be one.
□ Be a model for women – become an interesting, fun, kind, helpful woman – with class and style
□ Give time if you don’t have money
□ Expect nothing in return – ever
□ Sponsor a child in a third world country
□ Be an anonymous helper – don’t want to get involved? Send help in the mail.
□ Be helpful where help is needed
□ Invite a lonely person to a show or to supper.
□ Share your talents with someone - make sure they are interested
□ Study something new and share it with others
□ Make-a-Wish – always a good charity.
□ Spend time at a senior citizen complex
□ Help with 4H
□ Run for office
□ Help at an animal shelter
□ Habitat for Humanity
□ Write – to help others
□ Adult literacy
□ Smile
□ Head Start
□ Organize a conference for girls
□ Complement others
□ Find a cause for which to fight
□ Environmental issues
□ Share your talents with a worthy cause
□ Donate blood at least three times a year
□ Plant trees
□ Plant daffodils on the side of the road
□ Compost
□ Recycle
□ Stand up to a bully
□ Adopt a polar bear
□ Purchase an acre of rainforest
□ Write ‘be extra kind’ to a specific person on your to do list
□ Be in the present at all times and go out of your way to be good in spite of others’ behaviors
□ Cook and share
□ Invite to your home for supper someone who is struggling
□ Send cards and news clippings to show people you care
□ Reduce, reuse, recycle
□ Even if it feels awkward, plan to spread joy
□ Motivate – by example
□ Inspire – by example
□ Give a gift that makes someone cry – in a good way
□ Be a mentor
□ Go to and help
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Family
Family
“The family should be a closely knit group. The home should be a self-contained shelter of security; a kind of school where life’s basic lessons are taught; and a kind of church where God is honored; a place where wholesome recreation and simple pleasures are enjoyed.”
–Billy Graham
Two of my three sons have started their lives in the real world (as real as college can be) and the last will be leaving sooner than I want. Still, as an adult, my relationships with my children are not the same as adult friendships, so I consider myself alone. I know the ante goes up when my last child flies the coop. Then I truly will be alone and for that time I am preparing. My children are my reason for being. My boys give me roots and stability. They keep me grounded and force me to make choices that would not cause them shame or disappointment. I sometimes fail us all, especially when I voice my hard-headed opinions, but I try to give the best I have as often as possible.
My grandmother, upon meeting my first born said, ‘Look at all I started.’ She was in awe of how life continues and in one act of lovemaking a whole branch of the family is created. Her comment stuck with me. It was then I realized my little family had the potential for branching again the tree of life and our family’s heritage would most likely continue to grow. From early on, thanks to my grandmother, I knew I had to nurture my family so when my children had their own brood a strong foundation would be in place. In order for this base to be solid, I understood there was groundwork that had to be done. Our foundation was based on three important wishes I had for my kids. I hope I have succeeded in leading them in the right way, though no one ever truly knows.
First and foremost I want my children to feel safe at home, and to know they will always find support from their mother. Whenever they need me I stop what I am doing and I listen. If there is a rare instance when I cannot devote my time completely I tell them to wait until I am finished then we talk. That doesn’t mean they always get what they want, but they do get my respect. They know I play hardball and will always try to get to the root of their problem. Even though I support them I don’t always agree with their choices as they struggle to make sense of life’s sometimes difficult challenges. I listen to their concerns and they in turn learn they are more important than my chores. The work can wait, the show can be missed, but if they need their mama, I help. I sacrifice, if that’s what you want to call it, because I had my chance. I want the groundwork to be in place so they will have a better probability for success than I did. My concerns can wait, I’m old enough to know so. The youngsters however might start to believe that if Mama shrugs them off she doesn’t care enough to listen, and if Mama doesn’t care, who will?
The second thing I want for my children is mutual love and respect. I want my boys to count on each other through the thick and the thin of life. Although their personalities are different, I hope they are always blessed with lifetime friendships with one another. I want my boys to have someone with whom they can depend upon, who also understands their younger wily ways. There have been times the alpha male position has been challenged and it’s true they have come close to walking away from one another, but so far they’ve managed to make their friendships important enough to save. As they age and go their separate ways nothing pleases me more than seeing their friendships grow even stronger.
Wendy, a mother I admired when my boys were small, had incredibly well-behaved children. I asked her the secret of raising such great kids. She told me she would never allow her children to fight one another, ever. Wendy believed if kids cannot feel safe at home, with their family, they will never feel safe anywhere. I followed her advice from the moment I heard it. Every time my boys got in a scuffle, one I knew about, I repeated those words. I’m so glad I asked. My boys grew up expecting support in their corner not critics making fun of them every step of the way.
Finally, the last big thing I want for my boys is a passion for life - their own joie de la vie – and never at the expense of another. What a way to ruin a child. I want my boys to be filled with zest, getting up each day determined to work hard, but playing with an equal amount of enthusiasm. I want them to be curious and driven, resolved to live this game with eagerness and gusto. I expect them to be respectful toward others, enjoy peoples’ company, and I want them to learn to be happy alone. Then when they can be happy alone, I want them to meet a gal with just as much zeal for living. Time will tell.
When their father left I knew I couldn’t raise my kids alone. They were still sweet and innocent but those frightful teenage years were fast approaching. I didn’t think I was up for the challenge. I had no idea how I was going to survive, much less raise healthy children by myself, so in one desperate moment I gave my kids to God. I asked Him to protect them and to do them right. Then I let it happen. I knew the job was too much for me. I was too tired, too sad, too despondent, too overwhelmed, and at times too lazy, to have succeeded on my own. I give credit where it is due. I’ll admit we traveled some pretty rocky roads together, and the job is not yet finished. We still face real concerns, even as I write, and truth be told no one ever knows if a child will turn no matter how old they get. Thanks to the good Lord, even though we have our share of problems, my kids seem as healthy as any I’ve met with a passion for life and learning that few I teach possess. My boys are making the most of this journey in half the time it took me. They have a strong relationship with both parents as well as with one another. As far as I can tell (and mama is always the last to know) they’re on the right path, but it took work even with God’s help.
When their dad left my heart overflowed with hatred toward the man. I loathed him to the core of his being, despising him for what he did to me. He took me from my home, my family and friends, to leave me thousands of miles without support knowing I was without a career, and as far as he knew ineligible to work in this country because of my immigration standing. I detested him for being a cowered faulting me for years of unhappiness when it was clear he was the epicenter of the problems in our marriage. I was disgusted by him because he blamed me for the divorce. I wouldn’t follow his plan to live the ‘happily-ever-after’ façade. I refused to martyr my life for his appearances. His plan was to take me to neighborhood events, his lovers wherever he wanted – including hanging out at home on Friday nights. I wanted no part of the dysfunction. I guess, because I refused to play this silly game, in his eyes I was the one who destroyed our marriage.
He has no idea how difficult my life became, nor does he care. When I refused to play by his rules I became his enemy number one. I was ashamed of him. Not only was I angered and appalled by his lack of responsibility, I was bitter because I knew it would be easier for him, a single professional gay man, to find a partner, than me, an unemployed, fast approaching middle-aged mother of three. I abhorred everything about that man. The homosexuality? Big deal. The man? I couldn’t have hated another person more.
That’s very toxic stuff for a mother to hold on to and how easily I could have passed that poison onto my kids. I knew my soul was filled with venom toward the man and I remember thinking I don’t ever want my children to carry that kind of hatred in their hearts. As much as I despised the man I had to let my kids love him. I didn’t pretend, nor did I show him to be a better man than he proved himself to be. I did however, separate my relationship with their father as distinct and separate from theirs with their dad. These were two completely different kinds of relationships and I was pretty certain no matter how much the man despised me, and I him, he still loved his children.
I didn’t do it for him. I don’t care if he had, or has, a relationship with his boys. I did it for the kids. They need a relationship with their dad even if I don’t like the man. I’ll be the first to say it wasn’t easy. They had their own anger to deal with and they had good reasons for being enraged. One day Dad was there, the next he was gone. They had no idea anything this big was going on until it happened, and neither did I.
No matter how angry they were and justified for that anger I did my best to help them work through their struggles, so they could learn to accept their dad. The truth, had I been allowed to share it, would have made acceptance much easier, but my lawyer forbade me telling the boys the real reason daddy left. He believed I should never tell, under the impression it would shame them. Me? The seeker of truth was supposed to keep this humongous detail a secret from the children - forever? Me? The one who believes we’d all be much happier if we were true to ourselves was to pretend Daddy had a really good reason to leave and what that reason was would be anyone’s guess. I couldn’t fathom the deceit. The boys needed the truth and they got it. A year after hubby left, upon returning home from the judge’s office a free woman, they found out exactly why Dad left. The oldest responded matter-of-factly, ‘ I knew it.’ The truth, it matters. They were already forming ideas in their head. Clarity allowed them to move forward and get on with living.
The ex has no idea how close the boys were from walking away from him, and that I, his archenemy, was the one who held it together. It wasn’t easy. I don’t like, nor respect their father. I see no good in the man, and he knows why. But whether I like the guy or not is irrelevant. My boys have to figure out for themselves who this man is to determine the kind of relationship they’re going to have. Whatever that relationship is, it’s none of my business. I won’t ever pretend that what their dad did was right. They may be husbands one day, and if they want out of a marriage I don’t want them to model their father’s behavior. There are more admirable ways to end a relationship.
No doubt about it, supporting my kids while encouraging them to love their dad was the hardest part of divorce. But it was necessary. I am glad to say as the years have gone by my children are developing friendships with their father I never expected. They’re much happier as a result and I want my boys to be happy. There are periods when Dad gets top-billing and they prefer his company to mine, but I have to let that go. I cannot compare, and compete in his game. I won’t compete. My boys’ happiness is what matters and to compete with their dad only makes them feel guilty. Sure, there were times I failed and said things I shouldn’t have and I’m still paying the price, but I could tell from their faces I was crossing the line. I couldn’t hurt my kids. Their happiness trumped revenge a thousand times over.
When divorce is the only answer, as it sometimes is, it can leave scars on those left behind. I teach in the Bible Belt where children learn from parents that marriage is a sacred institution, a gift from God, to be valued. Intentions are good and of course when these lessons are taught love and commitment are in the air. Years down the road, however, if parents divorce the children are demoralized and suffer in ways that should bring disgrace upon those who cause it. Rarely it does.
The very essence of what we teach our children is destroyed through divorce. We tell them they can always depend on the family, the safest place to be, then one day, out of the blue, one of their heroes up and leaves. It’s dishonorable, no doubt. There is no ‘happily-ever-after’ for these kids and some will lose faith when prayers that mom and dad get back together are never answered. Of course prayers should be made to help strengthen us not to give us what we want, but prayers made by a five-year-old aren’t focused on internal struggles and are more like a Santa Claus wish list. What we taught our kids about God, and heaven and hell, all sounds so foolish during divorce. Who should they believe? We teach them God is number one and that the commandment of adultery as taboo. They might not know what adultery is at five, but by fourteen they’re pretty savvy to what took place nine years before. Oh the things we do to our kids. How do we reconcile a child’s thoughts when it’s one parent’s values versus God’s? That’s a big task to undertake. How do we reconcile our own thoughts when we no longer know what we believe.
There is a price we pay for each of the choices we make. The cost of staying and sacrificing his happiness obviously wasn’t a price he was willing to pay. The cost of staying cost me – me, but if I left, it would have cost me my children. I have no doubt. We all pay prices every day of our lives and in hindsight it’s easy to say we never should have married the guy, or maybe we should have worked harder on the relationship. What’s done is done. Don’t make your kids pay any more for choices you’ve made. They’re already paying enough. Forget about shaming the ex in order to make him feel guilty. Guilt is a destructive force that helps no one. Don’t blame, don’t curse, don’t call him names. Yes, I did all of these things but it only made matters worse. Much worse. Pick up the pieces, choose your battles, fix the mess that was made, and take care of business. Your husband made his choice. Make yours. Take care of your family as best you can and do it with a loving spirit.
Some people have a silly notion that kids are resilient and will bounce back after divorce. Those are thoughts to comfort adults. Kids don’t bounce back. Even in the best of situations divorce hurts and steals from children part of their innocence. As healthy as my boys appear to be there is a part of them scarred forever caused by their mom and dad. Shameful it is and we’re both to blame. Embarrassment and confusion caused by our actions will always be a part of who they are as they struggle to walk the tight rope between Mom’s set of values and expectations and Dad’s. Learning to have healthy relationships is going to be difficult for all three. I no longer see the importance of marriage, so it’s awfully hard for me to teach my kids how to prepare for sharing their life with somebody else. I’d rather they learn to be happy alone, then I remind myself that is selfish on my part. They are better equipped to make wiser choices than I was. They know their worth much better than I did when I said ‘I do’. They know they have options and don’t have to settle for the first girl they meet. They may be successful in marriage and what a beautiful life they could have if indeed they can find true love. I read a quote once, I do not remember by whom or where I read it, and I do wish I could give credit, but basically it said, ‘Choose your partner well. They will be the cause of 99% of your happiness, or 99% of your discontent.’ I sure hope my boys get what I did not.
Raising healthy kids in the best of situations can be difficult. Raising healthy kids of divorce when parents no longer share the same values and both parents despise one another is nothing short of a miracle. If hubby has no interest in hearing your ‘know-it-all advice’ let him make his own choices. He doesn’t need your help. He doesn’t want it anyway. He left you because he can do better on his own. Let him. He probably will do just fine without you. The kids will learn quickly that the rules have changed, but keep your standards intact. If your ex loves his kids they’ll be okay. If he doesn’t care, and is using them as a pawn to get at you don’t fuel the fire. Let him accuse, name-call and gripe, but don’t respond. Hopefully he’ll lose interest soon enough.
My boys, though still young, are living good lives, working hard, successful in what they set their minds up to achieve. They have goals and dreams they are already seeing come to fruition. Upon reflection it’s clear that their dad leaving us was the best thing for our family. Although they resented not having a ‘normal’ family our ‘normal’ family would have been awful. Had my husband toughed it out and stayed until the boys were gone he would have been miserable, I would have been resentful, our boys would have been wretched, none of us would have been true to ourselves, and I’d be looking to my future, unhappy and unaware that he’d be leaving when the last child walks out the door. Whew! I’m glad he left when he did. Now it’s all behind us. Truthfully, with all the pain we suffered his leaving was the best thing for us all.
When he left, I told my kids that Dad’s decision to leave was not a reflection of them, but instead his attempt at finding happiness, something he needed to do alone. I agreed it was selfish, but told them Dad was giving the best he could and I tried to teach them to be patient. Just like Dad, Mom isn’t perfect. I apologized when I crossed the line asking too many questions about any new love interests, and eventually I stopped asking altogether. Try your best not to put the kids in the middle. It’s hard, I know. I realize you’re worried about their safety, and there’s a whole lot of jealousy since you’re the one being shut out, but the pressure and confusion they’re already dealing with is far more than they deserve. Don’t hide from their pain. Face it head-on, but don’t force the issue either. Listen and allow them their anger, then teach them how to find peace again. Deal with their pain when they’re young, so they aren’t burdened years later with confusion caused by dear old Ma and Pa.
Keep the lines of communication open. You’ll learn fast that dissing Dad is going to close those lines up quickly. They know Ma and Pa don’t like each other. They get you don’t always agree. No matter what your opinion of their father ask yourself always, what’s the best choice for the kids. As hard as it is try to keep your emotions toward their dad intact. You’re not rewarding your ex by encouraging relationships with your children. You’re building for your children as strong a base as you can, and like it or not their dad is a part of that foundation. It’s not easy and there will be slips that can’t be contained, but if you know your priorities and raising a healthy family is on the top of your list, you can do it. You certainly can become the hero your children need.
Nobody has ever before asked the nuclear family to live all by itself in a box the way we do. With no relatives, no support, we've put it in an impossible situation.
~Margaret Mead
(then take dad out of the picture and see what happens)
22.‘In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. -Mother Teresa In the United States lots of people achieve the American Dream. We’re told if we work hard enough, long enough, and we’re just a little better than good enough, we can have all we want and then some. That happens for a lot of people but not for us all. We’re working hard, dad gum it. There’s no doubt about that, but most of us aren’t succeeding the way the dream is supposed to be played, no matter how much our effort. Even if we don’t reach the success we want we’ve still got to dream. Dreams give us purpose, hope and a little hop in our step. If we don’t make it to the top of our game that doesn’t mean our life is worthless. It’s the little things each day that make life worth living. Tons of money with financial freedom is the cherry on the sundae of life. It’s nice to have, but not really necessary to be happy. Marcus Aurelius, a Roman Emperor, said, ‘Remember this, that very little is needed to make a happy life.’
23.Will it matter in 25 years? It probably won’t matter in twenty-five years if we wash the dishes or do the laundry this month. But those dishes need washed, and the laundry needs cleaned, and there are a whole lot of other things that need attended to each and every day. Of course in twenty-five years none of these chores will matter. We won’t even remember the time spent in July 2008 polishing furniture. Time flies, faster than we can imagine. Twenty-five years will be here in the blink of an eye. We don’t have any to waste. Will it matter if you find your joie de la vie, if you travel to the British Isles, or if you throw out that package of cigarettes? We are not on this journey for long. Don’t delay. The average life-expectancy for women is 79.4 years. How many months do you have left? Make them matter.
24.Is it personal? If you spend all of your time alone, no one calls, and nobody asks what you did for the weekend, you might have to ask yourself if you are responsible for this neglect. Take a good look at who you’ve become. Have you, because of hurt, grown too pushy, cranky, or anti-social? Have you built walls around yourself that won’t let any body in unless it’s on your terms. Maybe there are things you are doing that keeps others away. Take a look at your face. Do you have anger written all over it? If you do, you’ll have to admit that your isolation may be your own doing. Why your husband left may be a different story. If you were a kind, supportive wife, abandoned for no particular reason, then perhaps the man has his own issues that aren’t a reflection of you. Don’t take his leaving personally. He’s human too, struggling to find where he belongs in this world. Maybe he’s afraid of his own mortality and grasping at that young thing to keep him youthful. Selfish? It sure is, but it’s not your fault if he has fears he longs to control. Let him figure out his life while you do the same with yours. Don’t allow his exit to become a permanent flaw on your personality. You deserve much better than that.
Recap/ To Do:
• Raise your children in a way that will build a strong foundation for future generations.
• Listen to your kids when they need to talk.
• Make your home a safe haven.
• Encourage love and support amongst your children.
• Don’t let your kids fight – if you know a fight is happening
• Help your children deal with their anger.
• A very long, unsent letter to his dad was the turning point for one of my boys.
• Encourage your kids to find passion for life.
• Give your kids to the Lord – and mean it.
• No matter how much you hate their dad, allow your kids to love him.
• Divorce has life-lasting consequences so accept it and deal with it.
• Let your ex parent by his rules and you continue with yours.
• Don’t play Disneyland Dad games – let him so your kids get to have opportunities you cannot give them
• Don’t ignore their pain, allow them their anger, and give them tools to help them grow from their hurt.
• Pick up the pieces, clean up the mess, and be the rock of the family.
• Play, have fun. Don’t worry so much.
• Pray!
Family Dreams
What kind of children do you want to send into the world? How will they get there? What are the values you want to pass along to future generations? You will be gone one day, as will your children, but the love you have for them will be reflected after both you and your children have left this world. Shirley Abbott reminds us that, ‘We all grow up with the weight of history on us. Our ancestors dwell in the attics of our brains as they do in the spiraling chains of knowledge hidden in every cell of our bodies.’ Choose wisely what you want. Your actions will influence generations to come. That’s quite a responsibility. What do you want for your descendants? Passion? Tranquility? Extravagances? Simplicity? English writer, Mary Cholmondeley, encouraged us stating that, ‘A happy childhood is one of the best gifts that parents have in their power to bestow.’ How can you ensure your children’s happiness when their world has already been turned upside-down?
• Camaraderie – In a healthy family it’s all for one and one for all, though accountability for actions, good or bad, is a must. Don’t defend your baby if your baby did wrong. Making the mistake of protecting your children when they’ve misbehaved, in order to have them think you’re on their side, creates a child who believes they can do anything without repercussion. You’re more on their side if you face the facts and hold them accountable. You’re the leader of the family now. You’ve got to be tough, and firm, while continuing to be loving and kind. You’re not their friend. More important, you’re their mother. It doesn’t matter if they like everything you do but it does matter that they respect you. You can’t force respect. You have to earn it. Explain your choices so they understand your reason for denying them whatever it is they want. ‘Because I said so’ is not good enough. ‘Because I love you’ might be better. Be proud of your child when success comes their way. Be careful not to gloat of their accomplishments. Kids might grow to believe their success is about you. Then their self-worth becomes dependent on outsiders and it will not come from within. It doesn’t matter if anyone knows how fantastic your kids are, just so long as you do. Support one another always while building strong, courageous, thoughtful, men and women of integrity. All for one, and one for all.
• Memories – Family games, candlelight dinners, Friday night pizza & a movie, challenges for individuals, competitions for the entire family, and working together are all ways to create family memories. Always be thinking of ways to make important days (aren’t they all?) special. Record your memories in a journal or a scrapbook to trigger recollection as time flies by. Even if the celebration gets lost, just knowing mama was there isn’t going to go away. When my boys were young we had pajama runs. I would yell ‘Pajama Run’ and everyone would stop what they were doing and jump in the car – no matter what they were wearing. We’d end up at the ice cream shop but always went through the drive-through. Too embarrassed we were to go inside in our PJs. Another tradition we started involved hiding a small knitted doll. We call her the ‘blue girl’. When someone finds the blue girl, they move her to a new location without saying a word. When the next person finds her, they too move her without saying a thing. She’s here somewhere. She was spotted recently after being hidden for years. On birthdays, we developed a tradition allowing the boys to pick their most favorite, least nutritious cereal to eat on that day. Four times a year they get to eat junk cereal. In their younger days, they were treated like royalty for the day, allowed anything (that cost nothing) their heart desired. They did receive a gift, but also they were king. As they got older we organized scavenger hunts and cooking parties we enjoyed with friends.
• Holidays – What kinds of traditions are unique to you and your family? How will you make your holidays extraordinary? Fancy food is fun but time spent with your children is even more important. Have them help. Make the meal elegant, and prepare as you might should the Queen of England grace your door. With all due respect to Her Majesty, who is more important to you? The queen or your kids? Show them sophistication, finery, and honor the holidays as they are intended to be. Go overboard and be dramatic.
• Celebrate – Birthdays, successes, and long awaited reunions from summers with their dad need to be celebrated. How will you rejoice with the return of your loved ones? A get-together with friends? A special dinner to express your joy of having them home? Or a memorable gift to honor an accomplishment they worked so hard to achieve? Celebrate life. Life is intended to be lived. Live it big.
• Confidence –How will you lead your children toward self-assurance? Will you coach them to conquer and destroy, or teach them to be compassionate beings? Lot’s of parents use the ‘my kid is best’ strategy that sets so well in our competitive society. With millions of parents using this strategy I think it’s safe to assume some of us are wrong. Maybe instead of making a child’s success dependent upon someone else’s loss, we should develop confidence with compassion in our children relying on no one but themselves for their achievements. Only you know how you want to lead your child. From my teaching experiences I have seen the competitiveness of both kinds of children. Those who believe they are number one are in great supply. It seems many parents focus on the importance of being the best, but no matter how you slice it, only one can be number one. Aye, aye, aye. What a nightmare. Those who think themselves the finest are plentiful and those who are confident with compassion, and indeed the nicer child, are in great demand. Kids who are told they are supreme often are aware of their inadequacies, but because they are expected to be the best, they fake it. They lie, cheat, stumble, and freeze when called upon for answers. They fool no one but their parents and as a result they look like anything but number one. They are sad, unhappy children, horribly afraid of disappointing Mom and Dad. The kids who are confident with compassion are a whole different breed. These are the children who have a strong, healthy identity. They’re not necessarily the smartest, but these kids have good character. It’s your choice. I know which I prefer for my own children. I know the kind of person I would hire. I never want my children to believe they’re worth is ever dependent upon anyone else’s failure or success. I want my boys to strive to achieve the impossible, on their terms, never believing for a minute they aren’t worthy, even if they never achieve their goals.
• Working together – Chores, repair work, lawn care, car-cleaning, meals, dishes… the list goes on and on. I don’t have to tell you. Working together builds confidence, support, and camaraderie. I’ll admit, I failed in this department. With so much to do I found it easier to do the work by myself than to argue with my kids. We all paid a price. The humongous workload took from me time and from my l boys lost opportunities to learn life lessons. We can’t do it all. I failed in this department but if you can achieve where I did not, kudos to you. It is an important goal. I have met many children who, because of their parent’s insistence, carry their weight in the family. These kids know how to manage their time, and are self-disciplined to boot. These kids are leaps and bounds ahead of the rest without even trying.
• Goal-Setting – Help your kids set and reach goals. If their interests change allow them that flexibility as they try to figure out who they are. Remember it’s taken you this long and you’re still sorting things out, so allow them the right to fail as well. Be there for them if they fall short and help them jump back up when they stumble. Lead them, as best you can, in directions that support their talents. Help them make deadlines and reach for new objectives. Be careful not to become a pushy mama forcing your kids to avoid your mistakes, or insisting they live out your dreams. You’ve had your chance at young life building. Focus your energy now on building your second half of the journey while guiding them gently in directions that support their gifts and talents.
• How can you help? – Sometimes when a child gets in over their head a parent has to intervene. Sometimes though, a child needs to figure things out for themselves. Do what you can to provide support. I don’t remember getting much support from my parents, not until I went through my first divorce. I guess it was their belief we had to figure out life on our own. True enough, it is my journey, but a little direction may have made a big difference. I always felt like a ship in the middle of the ocean, completely lost not knowing where I was headed. I would have given anything for a little direction. George Bernard Shaw told us, ‘Hell is to drift, heaven is to steer.’ Show your children options. Hand them the steering wheel and show them a map. Let them know their strengths and give them choices to narrow the gap of alternatives the great big world has to offer. Be real but allow room for surprises. Lead softly without squashing dreams. No one knows what these kids can accomplish. If they fall short, encourage them to bounce back up and keep on trying.
• Vacations – Take vacations even if all you can afford is a night at the neighboring state park. Not taking vacations with my boys is a regret I have. Money was tight and that was my excuse. My kids loved being home and since they traveled with their father I didn’t think they were missing out on anything. We missed out though, my boys and I. Before I knew it they were off making plans of their own, and we lost the opportunity to explore a bit of the world together.
• Homework – No ifs, buts, or maybes, everyday the homework gets done as soon as the kids get home from school. A snack, a few minutes of rest, then it’s time to get busy. Make this a habit. Where I live students focus on athletics. They hope to earn scholarships based on their sporting ability. That playing field is horribly competitive yet the academic competition is weak. Everyday homework is to be finished, and unless your child is an A student, don’t believe them when they say it’s done. This isn’t for you, and it’s not for the teacher, but it’s an absolute necessity for the future of your child. Every day, unless the child is sick, the homework must be finished. The teacher in me is coming out on this one. Do not pay your child to do their assignments. Do not give them twenty dollars for every A, or dollars a night for getting their assignments finished. Kids need to do homework for the sake of doing what is expected of them. They have to realize the intrinsic reward that comes from succeeding at a job well done. Kids who get paid think they’re scamming their parents. So do I. These kids come to school laughing at how they have manipulated their mom and dad. Kids who earn money for what is expected of them learn to give only if someone gives first and let’s face it, good grades help only one person and one person alone. Why should they be paid to do what is expected and only benefits them? Why should only a select few in the class get paid? This mama/teacher, would take everything from her child if the work didn’t get finished. I think removal of a cell phone should get results, and if it doesn’t, disconnection should do the trick. Simple as that. This mama/teacher would get eye-to-eye contact and tell my child I cannot, will not, allow them to cheat themselves from this wonderful opportunity for building a good future. It breaks my heart when I see parents, good parents – parents who care - lowering their standards because of frustrations. Just remember the long haul and know what you want for your children. Know who is the leader is in your relationship. If you’re paying your kids to do what other kids do on their own, it’s not you. Allowances are fine but keep school work out of it.
• Sweethearts – Maybe you don’t care for your child’s partner of choice. You see the circle of life continuing and your teenager repeating your same mistakes. There’s not much anyone could have done to stop you marrying your husband and there’s not likely much you can do to change the mind of your child. You can voice your opinion, but do it with tact then support your child in spite of your beliefs. If you want a good relationship with your kids it would behoove you to treat their chosen love interest with kindness, and respect even if you see the mistakes from your past being repeated. They learned from you how to choose a sweetheart so don’t judge too severely. You survived, they will too. Be there if heartbreak comes their way. Maybe they’ll be one of the lucky couples that makes it to the end. Who knows?
• Challenges – At the beginning of the new year give your children a book of things to do before the final curtain falls. Compete with one another throughout the year to do as many of the challenges suggested before the year has ended. You’ll find a lot of the ideas in these books bazaar so make it a rule to change suggestions that are too ridiculous. Encourage your kids to think and do beyond the ordinary. Give a prize on New Years Eve to the person who stepped farthest from their comfort zone. On my list, is to write a book. That’s one of the reasons I continue.
• Family History –Before time takes to the grave the stories of the past collect as many tales from your grand-parents and elderly relatives as you can. Their stories are a wealth of knowledge that help young and old alike have a better understanding of who they are. It’s true, some families aren’t good and their histories consist of one shameful act followed by the next. If this is your family start creating a new history today. Make it up if you must. The past that was abusive or degenerative can end with you. Record good stories, collect pictures, and newspaper clippings. Give your children a lineage to their past, even if their past begins today.
• Heirlooms – Part of history is the passing on of family treasures. If you don’t have any start collecting or making something special for future generations. For your daughters or (future) daughter-in-laws fill hope chests with items they will treasure and eventually pass forward. Collect antiques, sets of glassware, china, or jewelry. Collecting takes money and money is scarce. Collect one piece at a time. Maybe two times a year you can purchase an item so a set is complete when it’s time to pass it on.
• Time together -Plan to spend at least 15 minutes a day with each child. This might sound like a lot for a single mom, especially when there is so much to do but consider this time a long-term investment. If you don’t take the time to build a relationship when they’re small there won’t be one when they leave. Less selfish and more important, if they don’t learn how to relate to you they will have a more difficult time relating to their partner. Spending time in your guidance is very important. They need direction. They’re children who know very little about the ways of the world. Allow them their opinions but offer your perspective. Be respectful of their needs, and values, but insist they also respect yours. A few times, until we were found out, my youngest and I snuck out to the bowling alley to bowl a string without letting the other two know what we had done. We had our ‘secret’ time together. I also took another son to early morning breakfast unbeknownst to his brothers. I met with one son in the dark, in the woods, at our picnic table to play cards by flashlight. I wanted us to have our ‘special time’ together. It wasn’t always easy to make this happen, and time slipped away before we had the chance to do this as often as I would have liked. Spending time together is so very important. We like it when others include us. Think how our children feel when we make it a point to include them.
• Alcohol and Drugs – I’ve met lots of people in my life, drinkers, druggies, and non-participants. Most of the adults I know have participated in one type of mind-altering substance or another at some time in their life. Now that they are parents they have their beliefs and ideas what is acceptable for their kids. Some of my friends love that their children are old enough to share a bottle or two of beer. Some put on the blinders and pretend their baby is not partaking. Others have no idea what their kids are doing. Then there are those who really believe their child is above the temptation. No child is immune. None of them. When I was a high school kid nearly all of my friends were active in every way imaginable. My friends were partiers – for certain, and although I liked to have a good time too I could have fun without drinking or doing drugs. I loved my friends, with or without their drinking, but once my parents caught wind of their behavior they were all over me. I was accused of doing things I never did and it wasn’t long after I had my first drink. My friends did not pressure me to drink. They offered, I declined, that was it. Be careful the message you send your child when you either allow, ignore, or accuse them of participating. I have classmates who have spent their entire lives, thus far, dealing drugs, or pan-handling on the street. Who wants that for their child? Just because everyone else is doing it, doesn’t mean it’s okay for your baby. Don’t blame the peers. They have less influence than you. Ma and Pa almost always trump classmates if the respect is there. Teach your kids to value and respect themselves before bad habits become their way of dealing with serious issues. Teach them how to handle life’s disappointments in better ways than with a bottle. Don’t avoid it. They may still participate but know and understand and be upfront about it. If your child is one of the rare kids who has never taken a mind-altering substances know that most kids do and most are good kids just trying to find their way. Help yours find a way that doesn’t need the extra help.
• What’s with all the sports/activities?
I’ve never quite figured out why parents put so much emphasis on extra- curricular activities. In our town soccer, baseball, softball, basketball, football, you name it practice goes on every night of the week but Wednesday - church night. Now, I’m all for keeping kids busy, and encouraging them to be part of a team, but enough already. Where I’m from if kids don’t show for practice, they don’t play, unless they’re good. Fair enough, but teams practice at least three times a week, usually four – two hours a pop – at eight-years-old. Those are the rules, so if we want our kids to play, we bite the bullet, suck it up and get them to the field on time. Ok, I’ll accept those standards, after all we want our kids to be somewhat proficient in their chosen sport. But then we also have the ‘select team’. This is the group of the best of the best our little town has to offer. Think about it. How many best of the bests are there in a town of 17,000 people? I’m betting not many, but for the sake of argument let’s assume all on the team. These kids, in addition to their eight hours of rec practice, have to practice a whole lot more to be great. Not only that, EVERY weekend of their childhood is taken from them. OMG, when do these kids have time to be kids? When do they get to control ‘their’ time or get to use their imagination? When do they go to birthday parties or club events? When they spend their childhood cooped up in a car every weekend, driving hundreds of miles to play the same old game over and over, I have to ask why? That’s a price, a huge price, and what is the investment? Many parents I meet have admirable goals for their kids. Their hope is that their children will have a chance at the Olympics, the national leagues, or maybe they will become the next Michael Jordan. Their children are good at their chosen sport, but let’s face it, most are not that good. So I have to ask. Is the dream worth the price? Think twice about why you involve your baby in so many scheduled, activities. What are your true intentions? Is your child living a life you would have enjoyed? An even more important question to ask is if she is living a life that she enjoys? I know many kids who live and breathe their sport. The game is their passion and for these kids it should be played. But I also know far too many children who have been robbed of their childhood playing a game that really didn’t matter to them. Listen to your kids. Give up on the dream when they do.
Become a ‘Yes’ Mom: Being overworked and under-energized makes it really easy to say, ‘No’ to every request your child makes. Check yourself to see how often you say ‘no’ to your kids when ‘yes’ could be much more fun. Saying ‘no’ to life might create kids who say ‘no’ to life. One of my sons, whenever asked to do just about anything says ‘yes’. He’s been duck hunting, cliff diving, white water rafting, and ballroom dancing. Nearly every week he’s got a new adventure in the making. Become a ‘yes’ mom for yourself as well. Whenever anyone asks you to go anywhere, say yes. You still have choices, and if you really don’t want to do something ‘no’ is still an acceptable answer.
READ!: Emilie Buchwald said, ‘Children are made readers on the laps of their parents.’ Read, read, read. The rewards are unimaginable. That A.C.T. score depends upon it.
A Child Feels What He Feels – Whether you like it or not: Every time my daddy saw me in fit of anger because of something my sister did to me he tried to contain my rage with his own. ‘You do not hate your sister. Now take it back!’ he would order. Sure, I took it back, on the outside, while I was seething with disdain on the inside. I couldn’t help but hate the both of them. I was angry at what she’d done to me, then really confused because my father tried to tell me how I was feeling. It was real, my hate, and he only added fuel to my already enraged fire. I hear a lot of parents tell their kids the same thing my dad once told me. Sure, we know as adults those feelings are raw and short-lasting and that a true hate is not the issue. I get that my dad was trying to negate negativity but boy he blew it way out of proportion. My small little hate grew into a monstrous one because I was ordered to believe something I simply did not feel. Let your kids feel how they feel and help them work through their own negative thoughts. I didn’t want to hate my sister or my dad, but for those few minutes while I was told my feelings weren’t worth diddly, I hated them both with all of my heart. We all ‘hate’ people at times. Hate is a strong word, but let’s face it, until we can control our raw emotions, hate is exactly what it is. Your kids will ‘hate’ you at times if they don’t get their way. Let them try new things, after all it is their life and they should have opportunities for growth, but if you see danger step in and don’t waiver. If they hate you, so be it. If you’re sincere in your desire to keep them safe, but still allow them the freedom to explore the world they should respect your decision even if they do not like it.
Big Prayers: To this day, even though my two oldest are in college, when we are together, before we head off to bed, we gather together and give thanks to the Lord for the blessing we received that day. We have a ‘Big Prayer’ where we hold hands, or hug, and we say our prayers. If anything saved our family, perhaps this was it.
25.What kind of woman will you be? In Sarah Ban Breathnach’s book, Something More, she describes a woman I think most of us would like to be. ‘This woman was beautiful and radiant, with a strong, healthy, vibrant aura. Her eyes sparkled and she laughed uproariously. She was mysterious, magnetic, accomplished, powerful, irresistible, confident, smart, sassy, funny, and sexy. She was passionate. She possessed verve, but more important, she reflected, even in the worst situations, the essential characteristics of all romantic heroines – repose of the soul.’ Pick at least two of these characteristics and begin to become this woman. You can’t fake - authenticity is a must.
26.Learn from others. Practice humility by learning from others no matter who they are: older, younger, male, female, conservative, liberal, American, or otherwise. Learn about controversial people to see if you support their beliefs. Too many of us support the mob without truly knowing the stories of the condemned. Every person you meet has something to teach, if you’re open to learn. Read, study, and practice strategies used by those who live life to the fullest. How early do they get up? How focused are they on their work? How committed are they to their purpose? How did they discover their mission? How do they cope with obstacles? How many of them failed again and again and again only to succeed in the long run? Even if you’re alone you don’t have to go it alone. Learn from those you admire. They may not help you raise your children or fix the leaky toilet but they can give insight on how to be successful at living.
27.Change your perception. French novelist, Marcel Proust, said, ‘The voyage of discovery lies not in seeking new horizons but in having new eyes.’ If all we see is devastation and loneliness in our daily journey that’s what we’ll live. If, instead, we see fortune, freedom, and joy we’ll live a life filled with opportunity. Nothing but the attitude has changed. It’s all relative. Losing in love is minor compared to the daily challenges others face. Be grateful he’s gone and that you are free from a relationship that had you in knots most of the time anyway.
SIMPLE THINGS MEAN A LOT
□ Pay attention EVERY day
□ Talk EVERY day
□ Teach about everything
□ READ, READ, READ
□ Share Ideas
□ Play – 15 minutes a day is all it takes
□ Make memories
□ Be positive
□ Be forgiving of yourself and your kids when mistakes happen
□ Be real
□ Know what you want for your kids
□ Help them see their gifts
□ Teach them to have intrinsic motivation and not care what others think
□ Teach them to be their own person
□ Do not keep your children from their dad (unless the law says to)
□ Do not turn them against their dad – like it or not, he is a part of them
□ Your feelings need validation – be true to yourself without being hateful toward him
□ Don’t be a martyr
□ Your son will treat his wife the way he treats you
□ Your daughters will learn from you how men should treat her
□ Compromise
□ Kids don’t need adult problems – keep them out of the battle
□ Be truthful but be positive because they grow fast and need preparation for life
□ Teach them to be good, upstanding citizens in spite of life’s disappointments
□ Don’t get caught up in ‘Disneyland Dad’ competitions
□ Make your home a safe haven – no fighting
□ Teach kids how to get their views heard without being selfish, whiney, or mean
□ Do not allow them to carry the weight of the world…get it out of them no matter what
□ Do not worry if they like you. Let them know you love them. A child’s likes and dislikes are often about if they get their way.
□ Be brave, be strong and be their mom. Don’t give in to things you know will hurt them. Don’t let them drink because everyone else does.
□ Don’t worry about others – they can raise their kids, you raise yours
□ Don’t compete with the Jones’ – know what you value and pass that along
□ When they’re older keep on being Mom – they’ll always need you. Don’t think they won’t.
□ Let them fail but help them get back up. Remind them it’s not the failing, but the bouncing back that matters
□ Support them in their mistakes – don’t be judgmental
□ They’re not perfect, no matter what you think. They will do things that cause disappointment because they’re human.
□ You’re their mom not a friend
□ You’re their mom not the Gestapo
□ Earn respect and give respect
□ You survived and so will they
□ The teenage years are nothing personal
□ Let their dad buy the things you can’t and be grateful they can enjoy things you can’t give
□ The Circle of Life will continue and they’re going to make mistakes just like you. Let them.
□ Hold them accountable
□ Make them do chores
□ Set goals
□ Lead your kids
□ Take vacations
□ Banana splits for supper once a year
□ Plant a tree on their birthday
□ Dress up as movie characters – I still remember Batman and Pengy
□ Pajama runs
□ Cards - Peanut
□ Dominoes – Mexican Train
□ Cooking games
□ Photo challenges
□ Scavenger hunts
□ Ping pong
□ Have secret dates with each member of the family (go bowling, for ice cream, early morning breakfast)
□ Take a holiday from work and school on their birthday and live it up
□ Blue girl
□ Discover the BEST pizza in the world
□ Candle light dinners
□ Friday night pizza and a movie
□ Individual challenges
□ Family competitions
□ scrapbook
□ Discover the hottest red-hots in the world
□ Create a mystery for your kids to unravel
□ Make their story books come alive (make a BIG Gingerbread man that can run, run as fast as he can)
□ Go on adventures – hiking, picnicking in the woods, white-water rafting
□ Movie making
□ Camp out
□ READ, READ, and READ some more
□ Go-carts
□ Dice
□ Water fights
□ Scrabble
□ Cards in the dark with a flashlight and a picnic table
□ Junk cereal every bday
□ King/Queen for the day bday
□ Dramatic holidays
□ Special gifts for job well done
□ Collect family stories
□ Turn family stories into a family movie
□ Heirlooms
□ Find a new game – dice, cards, dominoes – to play for every holiday get together
□ Mocumentary of your teenager – Have you ever seen Spinal Tap?
□ Choose with your kids, 3 special people who you will focus love/attention for the next year
□ Build bluebird houses
□ TGIF – whoever calls TGIF first gets to choose the movie for Friday night and a movie
□ Have ‘Your Song’ – we played Sheryl Crow’s, ‘All I Want to Do is Have Some Fun’, every Friday on our way home from school
□ Big Prayer every night, all holding hands and giving thanks for all you have
Jar of Things to Do
Have a picnic
Play baseball
Play stickball
Charades
Board game
Karaoke
Coloring contest
Make cookies and share with
a neighbor
bike ride
make a movie
play cards
paint
take the dog for a walk
pick out a toy to donate
photo challenge
King or Queen for the Day
Mexican Train
(Dominoes)
Materials: One container of dominoes, pencil and paper, coins for as many people playing.
Objective: The player with the lowest score wins.
How to Play:
• Turn dominoes face down then each player draws seven.
• Stand the pieces up to be seen only by the one who drew.
• The game begins when the player with the highest scoring ‘double’ domino places this piece in the train tracker.
• Each player must then play off that domino. For example, if the first largest double available are the nines, the person with the nines lays the piece in the plastic center piece. All other players build a train that starts with the nine.
• Until play begins, players lay as many pieces as they can to build their train, while matching numbered pieces to its twin. The train may be long, or a player may have nothing to put in place.
• If a double domino is played on a train, it is placed horizontally and the same number placed underneath. If a player does not have a similar number to place under this piece, he says, ‘Can’t answer’ then the player to the left can place a piece that fits. If they do not have such piece, the player to his left can answer it. If no one has a piece to match, all players, starting with the one who laid it, must draw from the pile until the matching piece is found. Once the piece is in place, the play on that train is over until the player’s next turn.
• When no one can lay any more pieces on their train, play begins. The person who laid the center piece goes first. If they have another piece with the same number as in the center, they can begin a new train. They can play ONLY ONE domino at a time now unless a double is played. It must be answered.
• If a player has nothing to put in place, they will draw a domino from the pile. No one is permitted to play on another person’s train, UNLESS, that person can’t play. If a player has no options, draws a domino and still can’t play, he places a coin on their train. This means others are free to work off the train. Once the owner of the train can play again, the coin is removed and the owner is again the only one permitted to play on the train.
• The object is to get rid of all of your dominoes. When someone has succeeded in getting rid of their tiles, the round is over and everyone else adds up their points.
• Play starts over with the next highest double someone has. It may be a double nine or a double one. If no one has a double, then players draw from the pile until one is found. Once a double has been played, it can’t start another round. For example, if you played the double nines in the center, that double nines can only be played in a train, not in the center again. Keep track of the doubles you play. All, 1-9, then the double blanks, must have their round.
• Double blanks equals 50 points. Try to get rid of it.
Scavenger Hunt Challenge
Several years ago, I prepared the following scavenger hunt to be played during the Halloween season with adults, children, and teens. The participants needed to have a responsible driver, a car, a camera, and a few dollars to pay for film processing. They were not allowed to use a computer to find information though they could download their photos if one was available.
I’ve done several scavenger hunts with my children and I think a very long list with only a couple of hours to collect works best. I gave each group of four a sealed manila envelop with instructions enclosed. When I said ‘go’ they were permitted to open the envelope and get on their way. I have included the rules, items to be collected, and other information to help you get started in hosting your own scavenger hunt. It really is a fun night and the memories are well worth the time.
Rules
1. FOLLOW ALL TRAFFIC LAWS!!!
2. Each team member pays $1.00 to put in the booty.
3. YOU CANNOT COLLECT ANYTHING FROM RELATIVES
4. YOU CAN COLLECT only ONE THING PER HOUSEHOLD OR PERSON
5. COLLECT EACH ITEM as a TEAM – NO DIVIDING AND CONQUERING
6. TEAMS MUST NOT PURCHASE ANYTHING(except photo-developing)
7. TEAMS MUST DEVELOP PICTURES BEFORE RETURNING TO STARTING PLACE
8. TEAMS MUST BE BACK AT _OUR HOME_ BY 9:30 p.m.
9. THE LOSING TEAM MAKES OUR AFTER GAME MEAL
10. THE WINNING TEAM GETS THE LOOT.
THE CHALLENGE…
…in order to win this scavenger hunt, not only do you have to bring back the most loot, you must do the following…
1. All members of your group are to beg neighbors, friends, etc. for old boots, wigs, funky jackets, etc. and return to the meeting place dressed in costume
2. You must collect 3 ingredients that will be used to prepare a Mexican meal. You might include chips, salsa, olives, tortillas, sour cream, cheese, refried beans, etc.
…all items must be donated
3. Photographs -each member of the team must be in at least one photo and someone (doesn’t matter who or how often) has to be in all photos:
Pictures to take:
Human pyramid of team members, in front of a Corvette, hugging a teddy bear; spider web, in front of a coin-op washing machine, in front of movie theater, with a Wal-mart greeter, helping someone pump gas, with a police officer, in front of a jaguar (preferably a car), in front of house #123, with road kill (be careful), flipping a burger at a fast food joint, with a politician, with a musician, polishing someone’s shoes, working out at the gym.
HAPPY HAUNTING
RICHES TO COLLECT:
1. lawn gnome
2. top of an empty toothpaste box
3. a quarter from a state beginning with ‘M’
4. a KISS cd
5. a cartoon with Dagwood in it
6. a ½” piece of uncooked tongue
7. a paper menu from a neighborhood eatery
8. a TV guide with the cast of Friends on the cover
9. the middle name of four U.S. presidents
10. the caloric count of a ‘Big Mac’
11. a grocery receipt for less than $10
12. a piece of paper with the lip prints of all team members
13. a ‘knock-knock’ joke
14. newspaper from Monday
15. 2006 Calendar
16. 2004 penny
17. political sign
18. soda bottle
19. crow feather
20. orange feather boa
21. maple leaf
22. acorn
23. bank deposit envelope
24. college diploma
25. pinecone
26. pumpkin
27. Virginia state quarter
28. green rubber band
29. photocopy of hand
30. putt-putt score card
31. movie stub
32. harmonica
33. ukulele
34. dice
35. chopsticks
36. fuzzy dice
37. Billy Bob teeth
38. Goodnight Moon
39. steering wheel cover
40. flag from another country
41. 8-track tape
42. 44D bra
43. pencil rubbing of headstone
44. cow pie
45. hair net
46. rubber chicken
47. LP of any band
48. 36” shoelace
49. S book of the World Book Encyclopedia
50. Copy of The Declaration of Independence
Peanut Card Game
Number of players: between 4 and 10
Equipment: One unique deck of cards for each player
How to Win: Be the first player to make 100 + peanut
Rules:
1. Each player sets up their own hand by placing the following counts in solitaire fashion. Count out 11 cards turning the 11th card face up. This is the peanut pile and must be gone to call ‘Peanut’ and win the round.
Count out three face down with the fourth one face up.
Count two face down with the third face up.
Count one face down with the second face up.
Count one face up.
2. When the game begins, all players who have an ace face up will place it in the center for all to play upon. Players will get rid of cards by playing out cards until a suit is completed. The more cards a player plays the better. The game is fast. Players try to get rid of as many cards before someone’s peanut pile is out and the round is finished.
3. Play continues by counting out three cards from their hand as in the game of solitaire. If all players have gone through their deck a couple times and nothing can be played, all players will take the top card off their playing pile and place it at the bottom of their stack. The game will resume until someone’s peanut hand is gone and they call ‘PEANUT.’
4. Play stops at this time. To keep score, the remaining players have to count how many cards are left in their peanut pile and multiply it by negative 2. The cards that have been played are redistributed to their owners and counted. The negative number is taken from the number of cards that are returned. For example, if I had 5 cards left in my peanut pile I would have 5X-2=-10. If I counted the cards I played and had a total of 20, my score would be 20-10 =10. The first player to reach 100 plus when another round is the winner.
Food Challenge
Object of the game: To make the best appetizer, entrée, and dessert. To be the preeminent team of cooks.
Number of players: Your choice but too many is too much in the kitchen and too few is not near as fun. I like between 4-5 on a team.
Materials: basic food stuff for cooking to a particular theme (Italian, Mexican, American, you get the idea), music that suits the international flavor, pots, pans, kitchen supplies, oven, whatever you need for cooking
Rules:
• Divide into two teams
• Take turns picking ingredients. Make sure the basic staples: flour, sugar, spices, milk, etc. are available to both teams.
• Barter, plead, beg, borrow ingredients from the opposing team if necessary.
• Be creative and make the best appetizer, entrée, and dessert you can.
• NO COOKBOOKS permitted.
• Eat, enjoy, and judge who is the winner.
Reality Show Challenge
(tweeners and teenagers)
Objective: To win!
Number of players: As many as you’d like.
Materials: Depends
Rules: You have to make them. Here’s what you do:
• Let the players know what they are getting in for if they come.
• Encourage them to form their own team of four, keeping in mind the challenges they will face.
• Pick your favorite reality shows and think of how you can combine them to make an evening of fun.
Games to Use:
1. American Idol – You know someone is going to want to sing. If they won’t, allow them to sing with a partner.
2. The Apprentice – Send your kids out to sell lemonade to raise money for a worthy cause.
3. Project Runway – Give the kids feathers, fabric scraps, beads, whatever, and a doll. Have them design a wardrobe for the toy.
4. The Amazing Race – Have pictures of the participants displayed throughout your town. To win, your kids have to find these pictures in the shortest amount of time.
5. Food Network Challenge – Kids have to decorate the prettiest gingerbread cake. Take them to a seniors home to have the residents judge the winner.
Get inspired by reality show games. I wouldn’t recommend a Big Brother night or leaving your kids to survive alone on an island but many of the games on TV can be brought down to kid level for a night of fun at home.
28.Find the good in the bad. In the long run, suffering can be a good thing, even though it doesn’t feel like it while it’s happening. When you’re facing heartbreak along with a complete life makeover you couldn’t be more miserable. That’s not the good part of suffering. The good happens as a result of the divorce. You grow up. Life becomes real and a new appreciation for simple pleasures intensifies. Your whole view of the world has changed. You have new eyes for things you never before noticed. Even though your material possessions have been halved, love has disappeared along with your security and self-worth, when a glimmer of any of these comes your way your sense of gratitude is magnified, richer, more intense than it was in the days when life was a piece of cake. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said, ‘It had done me good to be somewhat parched by the heat and drenched by the rain of life.’ I now treasure a small vacation so much more than I valued the big annual getaway when it was readily available. Divorce humbled me. It made me realize the finer things in life were there all along and I didn’t deserve any of the things I had so callously taken for granted.
29.Have something to look forward to every week. Who wants to go out for fun alone???? I’m betting hardly anyone. But if we’re alone, we’ve got to do it. Going it alone makes us anxious: we think people will judge us, we won’t be safe, it’ll be boring. These are things we tell ourselves and we grow convinced that popcorn and a movie at home is all we need. With that kind of thinking we’ll spend years in front of the TV. Trust me, I know, I did just that. No one is looking at you simply because you’re alone and if they are, and if they judge, let them. This old world can be scary. Going to the grocery store could be the end of it for you, so traveling to the dance club shouldn’t be postponed because of fears. Be smart, however, and take care not to put yourself in harm’s way. As for boredom – that’s all in your head – no matter what you’re doing. Sunday night, put it on your to-do-list to do something fun the next weekend.
30.Those who pity have no idea. I get a chuckle when I meet people who tell me they feel sorry for me because I am all alone. Rather than inviting me along, they pity me instead. What a world! One woman told me she could never live a life like mine. I told her she should be grateful for her situation but realize divorce could happen to anyone. The most she can be alone, before going loopy, is forty-five minutes. I smile at the paradox. Where she pitied me, I immediately felt sorry for her. An hour alone causes her anxiety and that I find really sad. I enjoy spending time with friends and the right partner would be nice to have, but it is oh so good to know myself well enough to know I can enjoy my time alone.
31.Live in the moment. It gets terribly frightening to think about growing old alone. So don’t. The fear will swallow you up if you let it. Yes, the future is scary but let’s hope you still have thirty-plus years to prepare for it. Don’t live in fear. Prepare for what frightens you instead. Enjoy your life. Work hard, and have faith that your plans and resources will get you through to the end. The instant you let fear get its grip on you that’s when depression can start to spiral out of control. Again, it’s a mind game. Your choice, yours to control, but that doesn’t mean that it’s going to be easy.
Brain
Feed Your Brain
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
- Mohandas Gandhi
My first husband took off when I was thirty-five leaving me with a ton of responsibility and no brain. I’m ashamed to admit for thirteen years of marriage I used him as my intellect. By the time he left my mind had grown lazy and I didn’t know how to think for myself. Go figure. He was my filter for worldly events and my only source of information for making life decisions. What decisions? He made them all. Rarely did I speak a thought without prefacing it, ‘Husband said.’ How annoying I must have been. His views were mine, his opinions I revered. I had little knowledge of the world as I lost myself raising our boys. I learned to parent, a skill I mastered, but to carry on an intelligent conversation would have been beyond my capability.
My ‘married’ brain would have rendered me helpless. Afraid to make decisions, fearful of living my life, and petrified of being completely alone every other weekend, I would have shriveled up and become a useless clod. I remember telling my ex as he was walking out the door I’d be unable to survive without him. I didn’t know how to make decisions. To go on vacation, to purchase a new piece of furniture, or to make any choice (unless it had something to do with the kids) was beyond my experience and too frightened I found myself of that responsibility. I know there are many women who would scorn me for such dependency, but it was real, and boy was I afraid when he left.
When did I become such a dependent woman? I have no idea. I remember my last day of work, the week before my first son was born, returning home, crying my eyes out because I had become a dependent. Did it start then? Or could I believe myself to be an independent thinker a little while longer? I don’t know when it happened. I want to say dependency snuck right up on me, but when I look back it’s easy to see how afraid I’d always been of making decisions. Always anxious I wouldn’t measure up, that my choices would make me look a fool, I was forever letting everyone else lead the way. Even though I am an educated woman, one who once earned her way, I was really a scared little girl unable to believe I had anything of value to share. I completely lost myself in his shadow. I had no idea who I was. When he left, off to college I went. Believe you me, I was a fish out of water wondering if I could possibly pull it off.
During my studies, this woman (me), with not a thought of her own, was earning one ‘A’ after another. I wanted to know how we learn since my own experience proved an ‘old dog’ can learn new tricks. I had had the inaccurate notion that my years of learning were behind me. You can imagine my relief when I discovered the more we use our brain, regardless of age, the healthier and stronger it becomes. For each new experience we have, the dendrites, or nerve cells, in our brain connect, then fuse, making learning a lifelong process - if we actively pursue the lessons. The brain is the quintessential example of ‘use it, or lose it.’ The more I read the better reader I became. The more I typed the same. My memory improved, my drive increased. Quickly, with practice, I was improving myself and my situation while a passion for learning grew. Like someone starved for food, I was hungry to feed my brain. As I learned, I realized I no longer held the views of my husband, the ones I once honored and admired. I felt liberated knowing I was becoming my very own person, one with her individual ideals.
Thank God, seriously, my brain became my saving grace. It worked, it learned, it grew, it blossomed and with it, in me, a confidence I never before possessed. My brain has become my companion and now instead of revering the views of my ex, or anyone else, I have grown to appreciate and value my own opinions even when I stand alone as I most often do.
Every one of us has enormous unused potential. Though we all have this would-be possibility it seems few of us actively step out of our routine to passionately pursue new interests. Think about it. The more we learn the better we think. The better we think the more available are the options from which we get to choose. The more options we have the richer our lives become. Like our muscles our brains need to be exercised, used, expanded and kept healthy. This should be easy to do since the world is filled with wonder, but too often our attitude gets in the way. We have too much to do, we can’t be bothered, it’s easier to watch T.V., and learning (or at least the thought of learning) feels much too much like work. It’s easier to be lazy when we’re tired, but laziness is hardly as fulfilling. Tick tock. The day is drawing nearer.
Here’s the deal, if you feel like a failure because of something you couldn’t control know today expanding your brain is something you can. You may find the very things you once thought dull quite interesting if you change your attitude, and talk about diverting the blues. A new love for finance can become a game in itself. A fervor for flowers, birds, or trees can push you into areas you never before considered. Politics, art history, or organizing your family lineage may fill your heart with joy. With so many choices, how can our brain ever begin to be satisfied? How can we be content with just T.V.?
Recently, my son and I visited Andrew Jackson’s mansion. We saw his beautiful home decorated with original wallpaper that hung for the president nearly two hundred years ago. We stood where Ronald Reagan and Teddy Roosevelt had been. My married brain would have thought this historical landmark a snooze. My single brain gave me tingles as I imagined the life of this hard man who lost much more early in life than I, then raised himself up to be president of the United States. This man, because of his toughness, was known as Old Hickory yet this sturdy old guy was tender and deeply in love with Rachel, his wife. My attitude about our visit was any thing but apathetic. I was awed by this controversial, hard working leader. I was intrigued and I left with new questions that need answered. Was he as bad as some folks think, or an amazing leader as others believe?
Which emotion would you prefer? Apathy or intrigue? Which emotion will make you a more interesting person? Variety is the spice of life. Shake it up. Learn as much as you can about everything you can. Life is the ultimate T.V. show so get off the sofa and get living.
Be respectful of your aptitude. Never convince yourself you cannot do whatever it is you want to. Vincent Van Gogh said, ‘ If you hear a voice within you saying ‘You are not a painter’, then by all means paint…and that voice will be silenced.’ Silence the voices in your head that tell you, ‘You can’t’, and prove them wrong. If you ask yourself ‘Why bother?’ The answer is, ‘Just because.’ Think about it. There is nothing and everything about life that is important. Forget about falling in love, for now, and fall in love with life. Try new things, short-term loves and long-term passions. Pull out your list of loves and bring them to life. Grow your favorite plants, or even better cultivate an orchard. Get out the BB gun and go shot a target, or find a bow and arrow and become an archer just for fun. Look at your surroundings for inspiration. The bed? Make a quilt. The table? How about some new-fangled placemats with photos of your family The chairs? Paint them bold while adding color to your life. Listen to that voice that says, ‘You can’t’ then respond with, ‘Wanna bet?’ each and every time. Get busy. That’s all.
Persevere and don’t give up when you aren’t successful your first go round. You won’t be an expert just because you want to be. Of course time and dedication are necessary. In this society of immediate gratification we want instantaneous perfection. Few of us have a natural talent that doesn’t need fine tuning and sometimes even a complete overhaul. Practice is necessary. In his book Outliers, Michael Gladwell says we need to practice, on average, 10,000 hours to become masterful in our field. That’s three hours a day for ten years. Don’t expect instant results. Work hard and be diligent in what you want to achieve and never, ever, ever stop learning. Commit yourself daily to improving a skill and expanding your knowledge. You can’t control him, but this you can control. This is for you and nobody else. Enjoy this life. Enjoy the spices, the flavors, the colors, the sounds. Enjoy your aptitude, and your passions and the gifts bestowed upon you. You can control this. You have the potential for becoming an extraordinary woman of intrigue. Sounds delightful and mysterious. I’m in. How about you?
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong
READ, READ, READ
‘Books are the best friends you can have; they inform you, and entertain you, and they don't talk back.’
- Steinbeck
Too many adults rob themselves of the pleasures found in books. Mark Twain said, ‘ The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.’ I work with teachers, and although they are incredible at their job, few are avid readers. When teachers have too little time to read it’s probably safe to assume other people put books on the back burner of their to-do list as well. If you haven’t allowed yourself the time to read, I encourage you to cuddle up with a good book and find for yourself a whole new world waiting to be discovered.
Books are the best companions for those of us who find ourselves alone. Self-helps become our confidants when we see our lives reflected in the writing. If we happen upon a treasure it can feel like a letter from a friend, written solely for us. Self-helps give us a new perspective on problems we’re struggling to overcome. Though often criticized, by I swear those folks who need them most, self-helps are not do it or die manuals. They’re written to give a different perspective on old familiar problems. Without parenting manuals, I would have repeated my parent’s mistakes. I read to learn just like I studied when I was facing my future alone. The strangers who shared their insights had more to offer me than my friends who had no idea in the world how I suffered. I don’t always agree with the authors, (I read once that you should snap yourself with a rubber band every time you think of him?!!!) but there are times, I find great advice that encourages me to do better.
Self-helps are not the only reason we should read. Books provide us with an escape from our problems while entertaining our mind. They are read for pleasure and growth, and they allow us to learn about things we never before imagined. Characters become our friends, who are much more interesting than the players in our real lives. (That’s why they’re characters.) Books can be our escape from a world that never gives us a break, and they help us become better writers without us even trying. Books are also good for our brains. Joseph Addison, English essayist, said, ‘ Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.’
Because of a limited income, I have to resort to books and TV in order to learn about the world. I try to read one book a month that comes from a part of the world I never will see. I have learned about Sweden in ways that made me laugh out loud, and travesties in Myanmar that made me squirm. I have read about Greek customs and superstitions of the Turks and I’ve learned about a very scary history of South Africa. I’ve learned about the tantalizing Queen Cleopatra, what life is like for women in Riyadh, and how long one has to wait for divorce in rural China. I read about other cultures to become more open-minded and because the world is such a cool place to discover. I am humbled and immensely grateful for what I have when I read about the rest of the world. Trust, if you feel a little whiny the best thing to do is read about the rest of the world and you’ll be humbled in a second.
Assume you have twenty-five good years left to enjoy this life. If you read one book a year what twenty-five would you choose? Would you focus on classics or the New York Times bestsellers? Would you target the Pulitzers or Newberry winning treasures? What genres would you be willing to try? Historical fictions, fantasy, or biographies? The possibilities are endless so don’t stick to trashy romantic novels. Go ahead and read them, a little trash is a lot of fun, but expand your horizons by branching into fields you’ve never before considered.
The list that follows includes books I’ve read as well as those on my ‘To Read’ list. I always check a book’s review on the internet before I give it my time. A four or plus four rating must be its ranking to even catch my attention. Great books, too numerous to count, are available, so it is important not to waste time on those you won’t enjoy. If you’re not into the book by page fifty, close it up and pass it on to someone who might care. I have included the star rating from for each of the books that follows, but I still encourage you to proceed with caution. I’m not an English teacher and do find some of the classics tedious. Although I have mentioned several on the list that follows, I won’t read those I think will bore me to tears. You’re not in English class any more and although the lovers of literature may not appreciate my view on this, I stay firm in my belief that some English teachers turn kids off of reading because of the horribly boring stories kids are exposed to in class. The green high-lighted books I have read and encourage you to try. The red high-lighted books are those I found tedious, yet the ratings are high. The blue high-lighted books were okay, but nothing too spectacular. Of course this is just my opinion.
Be open to new ideas. The covers of some books have turned me off, but the high ratings these stories received encouraged me to explore and find real treasures I would otherwise have ignored. In every book, find at least one thing you’re willing to try. Maybe a new food, a game, or a piece of music will entice you. Perhaps you’ll become an activist for a cause you never before considered. Most authors mention a book or two within the pages of their own story. Jot down these titles then explore, especially if you enjoy the author you are reading. Do not put a book away until you try at least one thing mentioned in the pages. Thomas Carlyle said, ‘ The best effect of any book is that it excites the reader to self-activity.’
Books are available to every single person in our country, free. A library card is all it takes. Remember the Jewish Talmud where it is written, ‘In the world to come, each of us will be called to account for all the good things God put on earth that we refused to enjoy.’ Don’t think of reading as a chore for the geeks. Perceive it instead as an escape and a ticket to a world unknown. Then watch your reading ability improve, your intellect grow, and your curiosity flourish. If you become a geek, who cares? It’s much better to be smart, than not. And if you don’t think you’re smart, think again.
Read at least, at the very least, one good book a year. If you enjoy one book by an author, read them all. As William Faulkner said, ‘Read, read, read.’
To read is to empower
To empower is to write
To write is to influence
To Influence is to change
To change is to live.
~ Jane Evershed
Recap/ To Do:
• The more we use our brain the smarter we become - no matter our age
• New experiences fuse dendrites in the brain making learning a lifelong process if we actively pursue the lessons
• Use your smarts or lose your smarts
• Co-dependency is not an option
• Silence the voices in your head by doing the things it tells you, you cannot do
• Practice, practice, practice
• Be patient
• Never stop learning
• Be open to new ideas
• Read, read, read
• One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time
• Read to grow, to learn, for fun, and to become more open-minded
• Read at least one great book a year
To Read List:
1. East of Eden – John Steinbeck – My very FAVORITE – 4 ½
2. The Other Boleyn Girl – Philippa Gregory – 4 ½
3. Life of Pi – Yann Martel - 4
4. Portrait in Sepia – Isabel Allende - 4
5. Five Quarters of the Orange – Joanne Harris - 4
6. Suite Francaise – Irene Nemirovsky – 4 ½
7. Memoirs of a Geisha: A Novel – Arthur – 4 ½
8. The Power of One: A Novel – Bryce Courtenay – 4 ½
9. The Poisonwood Bible – Barbara Kingsolver - 4
10. The Master Butchers Singing Club – Louise Erdrich – 4 ½
11. Middlesex – Jeffrey Eugenides – 4 ½
12. Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell – 4 ½
13. Dracula – Bram Stoker – 4 ½
14. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Ken Kesey 4 ½
15. The Great Santini – Pat Conroy – 4 ½
16. The Kitchen Boy – Robert Alexander-
4 ½
17. The Razor’s Edge - W. Somerset Maugham – 4 ½
18. Lady Chatterley’s Lover – D.H. Lawrence – 4 (My second favorite)
19. A Brief History of Time – Stephen Hawking – 4 ½
20. Think and Grow Rich – Napoleon Hill – 4 ½
21. Franny and Zooey – J.D. Salinger – 4 ½
22. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier – 4 ½
23. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – Jonathan Safran Foer – 4 (sad but oh so wonderful)
24. The Bell - Iris Murdoch – 4 ½ (only 16 reviews – proceed with caution)
25. The Color Purple – Alice Walker – 4 ½
26. Night – Elie Wiesel - 4 ½ (dark but necessary)
27. Song of Solomon – Toni Morrison – 4 ½
28. Les Miserables – Victor Hugo - 5
29. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close: A Novel - Jonathan Safran Foer - 4
30. Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy – 4 ½
31. Don Quixote - Miguel de Cervantes – 4 ½
32. Aztec – Gary Jennings – 4 ½
33. The Master of Verona – David Blixt – 5 (34 reviews)
34. The Last Queen: A Novel - C.W. Gortner – 4 ½
35. Here Be Dragons - Sharon Kay Penman - 5
36. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov – 4 ½
37. The Death of Vishnu: A Novel - Manil Suri - 4
38. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn – Betty Smith – 4 ½
39. The Moonstone – Wilkie Collins – 4 ½
40. The Princess Bride: S. Morgenstern’s Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure – William Goldman – 4 ½
41. The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald - 4
42. The Brothers Karamazov – F.M. Dostoevsky - 5
43. Anne of Green Gables - 4
44. Self-Reliance – Ralph Waldo Emerson – 4 ½ (very few have rated)
45. The Legend of Sleepy Hollow – Washington Irving - 4
46. The Kitchen God’s Wife – Amy Tan - 4
47. The Giver – Lois Lowry – 4 ½
48. The Confessions of Max Tivoli – Andrew Sean Green - 4
49. The Septembers of Shiraz – Dalia Sofer – 4 ½
50. What is the What – Dave Eggers – 4 ½
51. The Space Between Us – Thrity Umrigar - 4 ½
52. Eleni – Nicholas Gage – 4 ½
53. Read the ENTIRE Bible
54. Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh – 4 ½
55. Herzog – Saul Bellow - 4
56. The Long Goodbye – Raymond Chandler – 4 ½
57. The Last Good Kiss – James Crumley – 4 ½
58. Swag: A Novel – Elmore Leonard (not released at this time)
59. Year of Wonders – Geraldine Brooks - 4
60. Howard’s End – E.M.Forster – 4 ½
61. The Raj Quartet – Paul Scott – 5 (6 reviews)
62. Friends of My Youth – Alice Munro – 4 (7 reviews)
63. Enemies: A Love Story – Isaac Bashevis Singer – 5 (12 reviews)
64. Strategies of Conflict – Thomas Schelling – 4 ½ (7 reviews)
65. The Sound and the Fury – William Faulkner - 4
66. The Power and the Glory – Graham Greene – 4 ½
67. The Squatter and the Don – Marla Amparo – 4 (7 ratings)
68. My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey – Jill Bolte Taylor – 4 ½
69. Fear and Trembling – Soren Kierkegaard – 4 ½
70. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao – Junot Diaz – 4
71. The Book Thief – Marcus Zusak – 4 ½
72. Their Eyes Were Watching God – Zora Neale Hurston – 4 ½
73. A Tale of Two Cities – Charles Dickens - 4
74. A General Law of Love – Thomas Lewis – 4 ½
75. The Satanic Verses – Salman Rushdie - 4
76. Unaccustomed Earth – Jhumpa Lahiri – 4 ½
77. Einstein’s Dreams – Alan Lightman 4 ½
78. Invisible Cities – Italo Calvino – 4 ½
79. The Thirteenth Tale: A Novel – Dianne Setterfield – 4 ½
80. My Old True Love – Sheila Kay Adams – 4 ½
81. The Education of Henry Adams – Henry Adams - 4
82. The Virtue of Selfishness – Ayn Rand - 4
83. Fingerprints of the Gods – G. Hancock -4
84. The Lives of a Cell – Lewis Thomas -4
85. Ain’t Nobody’s Business if You Do – Peter McWilliams – 4 ½
86. Freedom in Chains – James Bovad – 4 ½
87. Interpreter of Maladies - Jhumpa Lahiri – 4 ½
88. I Capture the Castle – Dodie Smith – 4 ½
89. The Enchanted April – Elizabeht Von Arnim 4 ½
90. From the Land of Green Ghosts: A Burmese Odyssey – 4 ½
91. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay – Michael Chabon – 4 ½
92. How to Think Like Leonardo DaVinci – Michael Gelb - 4
93. War Trash – Ha Jin – 4 ½
94. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas – John Boyne - 4
95. The Stranger – Albert Camus - 4
96. Dissolution – C.J. Sansom – 4 ½
97. My Traitor’s Heart – Rian Malan – 4 ½ (changed my life)
98. A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian – Marina Lewycka – 4
99. Nefertiti – Michelle Moran -4 ½
100. Popular Music from Vittula – Mikael Niemi - 5
TRY NEW THINGS
□ Food from other countries
□ Study history, science, languages, social science, politics, money, etc.
□ Change a tire
□ Change your oil
□ Master a power tool
□ Study the 7 Virtues and 7 Deadly Sins
□ Learn about aromatherapy
□ Learn proper grammar
□ Present a workshop
□ Learn to play poker
□ Learn how to use technology
□ Work puzzles
□ Make up poems in your head while working
□ Sing silly songs while working
□ Be inventive in your projects – try new things even if they will look awful
□ Learn a new craft or hobby
□ Become an aficionado of wines, nuts, chocolate, anything delectable
□ Become famous for your signature dessert
□ Always say ‘yes’ when a challenge has been made – if the challenge is doable – and even if it’s not
□ Play sudoku
□ Learn to shoot a gun
□ Learn CPR
□ Study hand-writing analysis
□ Email your opinion to CNN
□ Become an activist
□ Get published
□ Build a web-site
□ Play an instrument
□ Play chess with your kids (set up an ongoing game)
□ Interview people and write their stories
□ Write your story – we all have one
□ Write book reviews for online book clubs
□ Twitter just so you know how
□ Learn as much as you can about everything you can, just so you know more, and just for fun
□ Write poetry and make up silly songs about your kids
32. You could have been anyone. Be grateful you’re you. – A sperm and an egg, and there you have it. You were born. What are the odds you became you? Of all the people in this big old world you could have been anyone. You could have been a movie star, a financial big-wig, or president of the United States. You also could have been a poor Haitian woman who feeds herself on clay cakes made of shortening and salt, or you could have been born a child of prostitution. You are who you are. Without a man, without a partner. You could have been anyone. Be grateful you are you, in a nation that allows you freedom to use your talents, and your gifts to pursue your dreams. So what if you don’t have a man? You have freedom.
33.Dream. ‘The tragedy of life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach. It isn’t a calamity to die with dreams unfulfilled, but it is a calamity not to dream.’ So said social activist Benjamin E. Mays. As a teacher I am the first to say our education system does little to help kids make life goals. We learn early in life to conform keeping us from thinking beyond the herd we follow. Most of us wish for more but we settle for routine because we don’t have a clue what we want. John Lennon said, ‘Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.’ Maybe John was right. Maybe we have no say in how life will happen, but having a plan is better than living life with none at all. I never made plans. I allowed the world to lead the way, and what do I have to show for it? I’m a middle-aged, divorced, single mama starting all over from scratch? Make plans and get living. And if life kicks you in the chops, make more plans.
34.You never know. Every time I hear a ‘happily’ married wife say she knows her husband better than she knows herself, I cringe. When I hear those words, from a ‘happy mama’, I’m afraid she’ll be eating crow one day. It’s not her fault. For the most part, we are a trusting gender but no one knows what is going on in that head of his but him. A little late to tell you now, but that head you loved so dearly was probably plotting his escape months before you had any idea anything was wrong. It’s hard enough sometimes to tell what’s going on in your own head. Don’t ever be fooled into believing you know what was going on in someone else’s.
35.Cliches. We can’t wait for the day the cheating SOB gets his just rewards because what goes round comes round, right? Those who try to console want us to believe that anyway, and we do believe it, waiting for the day he becomes as miserable as he made us. All would be better then, right? Think about it. If that expression were true then what did you do to get yourself in this mess? Forget about the coming round part and don’t wait for revenge. Give up thinking about what’s going to happen to him. Don’t put your hope in his downfall. Yes he hurt you. Yes it was selfish. Maybe Karma will get him but who cares if it does? Let it go. Don’t be vindictive or spiteful. If you parted on bad terms send him on his way and be done with him. He certainly isn’t worth any more of your time and he most definitely is not worth your soul.
Body
Take Care of Your Body
A sound mind in a sound body is a short but full description of a happy state in this world.
- John Locke
There are a kazillion books, programs, and DVDs available that are filled with information on how to take care of your body. Although it’s a necessary task it’s not always a pleasant one. I am not going to give suggestions on how to keep your body in working order. You already know what you must do to be fit: exercise and eat wisely. I mention the body in these pages because without a healthy body the difficult road ahead gets even harder. Protect yourself and take care to prepare for the future. In twenty-five years it will matter if you get on that treadmill today or if you eat that second helping. Be smart. The years will be upon you before you know it. Stretch everyday. Touch your toes so you can paint your nails fire truck red at the age of eighty-five. Show those grandbabies nanny can do the splits! Do what you can today to keep fit for the future. Nuff said. You know the drill.
Get Active
Choose 2
□ Rollerblade
□ Bike across an island
□ Tae Kwon Do
□ Zumba
□ Swimming Lessons
□ Tennis
□ 7-minute mile
□ Rock Climbing
□ Ice Skating
□ Snowmobiling – most fun EVER
□ Racquetball
□ Do the splits
□ Kick-boxing
□ Line dance because it takes two to ballroom dance
□ Horseback riding
□ Billiards
□ Ping-pong
□ Tennis
□ Gardening
□ Walk
□ Run
□ Ski
□ Get outside
□ Try walking DVDs – Leslie
Sansone
36. Always have one foot out the door. I read an article in MORE magazine about an American woman, Sarah Chayes, who resides in Afghanistan. It is an understatement to say she is living in a risk-filled environment while helping the citizens get back on their feet by making and selling skin-care products. Of her situation she said, ‘I’m always in a position where I’ve got one foot out. I always have a back door.’ Whatever we do in our lives we should always have one foot out the door. As a wife, to both of my husbands, I felt trapped and unloved, but didn’t know how to get out. I gave my power away. I had no door to open and none through which to escape. If I left my first husband I had children to worry about and no career with which to support them. The second marriage was my emotional security for the future. I didn’t want to grow old alone. Now I see clearly what I should have done. Even if your marriage is over and it’s too late to use a backdoor, have one foot out in all other areas of your life. If you like some things about your job but not others, find another way to make a living and be ready to leave. If you like parts of your neighborhood but not all, have your foot out the door. Don’t ever put yourself in the predicament of being trapped. I felt trapped for years. Only now, as I build my confidence, am I seeing real options for my life. I’m working at having one foot out in my town, my career, and in the life I am presently living. I’m ready for an overhaul and if I can’t find a back door by golly I’m going to make one.
37.Get busy. Emerson said, “To fill the hour, that is happiness.’ Better than chocolate, better than sex – there is no doubt I am 100% at my happiest when I am completely absorbed, wrapped up in a project. Working alone, or with others, it doesn’t matter. I have to be productive. I love bouncing ideas around to feel the energy of creative individuals as they get excited about an idea. Equally I get charged when I work alone without input from the outside world. There are a zillion things to create in this very interesting, very available world. So get busy. Don’t worry if a project never amounts to financial gain. Work solely for the enjoyment of creating. Forget about the youngsters who are more innovative and more adept at new fangled ideas you can’t seem to get your head around. Do your thing for you. You’re not wasting time if you don’t get financial rewards for you efforts. Just get busy and enjoy the process.
38.Create yourself. Madonna is the master adapter. I love her sense of charade, her chameleon approach to life. I even admire her playful spirit as she modeled the role of a Brit. While some mock her I think she’s terrific fun on the outside. Figure out what kind of gal you want to be. Look at magazines and find styles that become you. Watch movies and create a new style for you based on inspiration from different kinds of heroines. Be sassy, classy, a beauty, or a sexy vixen. Be whomever you want to be. Have fun in this life. Be a socialite in your own little world. Become a writer, a chef, or an outdoorswoman if you choose. In the early days of my marriage my husband was a med student. One of his classmates was a fifty-five year old Dane who was doing his medical school internship. Who says it can’t be done? The trick is in taking the time to find out who you want to be. Creation takes preparation and commitment. If you really want a change, go for the gold. You’ve only got one life – be eccentric, be giddy, be awe-inspiring.
Home
HOME SWEET HOME
Housework, if it is done right, can kill you.
~John Skow
For as long as I can remember, I’ve hated doing chores. Like every other gal I know housework cramps my style, so in order to face the daily humdrums of house-keeping I had to find a way to have fun – you know it Mom. I started playing games in order to get the work done quickly and now cleaning house is not so bad. I’ll never get the Good Housekeeping Award but my home is neat, for the most part, and livable. It feels good to know where things are and to have order in my house. I love the smell of a clean place and I find peace when mine has been tidied. I need that in my life but it isn’t going to happen unless I do the work. I have to make my home a haven for both my son and me even if we’re the only two who ever get to see it.
If you never have company it becomes easy to let the mess pile high. Don’t clean just for others. Take care of things for yourself and your own. Your home should give you security in a world that has its share of disappointments, so make yours a sanctuary where you can recharge, reboot, and feel at peace. You can’t find peace in a messy house. Disorder will become another frustration causing you to beat yourself up for failing once again. Maybe you didn’t have any control over your partner leaving, but you do have control over the state of your dwelling. Take care of your home doing what you can to make it welcome you instead of causing you more unnecessary shame.
When I went back to university, following my husband’s escape, I found myself alone raising my boys, working part time, going to college, and taking care of our house – that seemed to be falling apart by the minute. I couldn’t do it all and I had very little help. Something had to give. I have nine acres of land and at least six of it needs mowed. Until I got my new machine, it took close to eight hours to finish the job. I simply couldn’t mow every week with the load I was carrying. To hire someone was beyond my budget and although the kids did the best they could, we couldn’t keep up with the demands from the yard. I’m betting the neighbors weren’t too happy, but their grievances were not my concern. With more on my plate than I could already handle no one dared suggest I get out and take care of the overgrown yard. Now that my children are older and life has settled down, the lawn gets mowed.
Do the best you can. There is only one you and you’re carrying a load most wouldn’t envy. Accept that the standards you once lived by have to be lowered, at least for now, and do what you can to make your home a place of comfort. You’ll burn yourself out trying to keep things as they were if you think you can do the workload of two. Relax, enjoy life, give up on perfection, but don’t give up on giving your best. Make your home a place of comfort while accepting it’s okay to let some things go for a while.
I think housework is the reason most women go to the office.
~Heloise Cruse
GAMES TO PLAY
I'm a very good housekeeper, whenever I leave a man, I keep his house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabore
□ Five minute chores – set the timer for five minutes then clean one room at a time
□ One hour/rotten chore – instead of fighting the basement all at once, work one hour at a time every day for a week. In seven hours, one week, it’ll be clean.
□ One room/one day – take care of the master bedroom on Monday, the living room on Tuesday, the kitchen on Wednesday, etc. Give a thorough cleaning on these days and life will be less stressful than if you try to do the whole house only on weekends. Stop after an hour then get on to something else. Don’t give your life to your house.
□ Get off the couch - during commercial breaks and get moving
□ Pay your bills and check your accounts - once a week to avoid over-charges
□ Follow a budget and plan for retirement - As a divorced, middle-aged mama, many of us are starting our retirement plans from scratch. Whatever you are earning now, multiply it by ten and save that amount. It won’t be enough, but it’s a beginning. The day will be upon you quicker than you think when money is needed for your personal care. Don’t ignore this.
□ Set the timer - for 10-15 minutes each day to dedicate toward your dreams
□ Big project commitment - allocate at least thirty minutes every day
□ Project ‘Get it Done’ – if competitors can design and create a dress in twenty-four hours, you can finish a project in the same amount of time
□ Household Olympics – hold the world record for house-cleaning in the fastest time
□ Work for 1 hour at a time on any one project –work fast and efficient
□ Do it NOW! – as soon as a problem needs your attention, face it. You may be surprised at how this head-on approach motivates you and inspires you to get living.
□ Plan - the night before, the week before, the month before, the year before
□ Good Lord, the Queen is coming – get busy and get it cleaned!
39. Study the next man you are attracted to and figure out why. I was out with a friend one night when we happened upon a group of men. The one and only man I was attracted to in the bunch was aloof, and a loner. The little voice in my head asked, ‘Why? Why him? Look at that pitiful man.’ It was then I realized I am attracted to unhappy men. There was a time I wanted to make the sad, pathetic loner happy. Now, I run from these cranky, wretched men. Needless to say I turned from the recluse and left him to stew in his misery. It was a good lesson for me to see what kind of man I’m drawn to. Immediately I realized I was looking in all the wrong places for happiness. I knew then if I ever have another man in my life he is going to be a happy one. What kind of guy makes you go weak in the knees? Why? Chances are he’s a guy with his fair share of issues.
40. The grass isn’t always greener. When you’re out in public become a people watcher and be on the look-out for happy couples. They’re probably either very young or elderly. A rare breed, the happy pair, hard to find but easy to recognize by the way they look at each other. They’re best of friends in every way, filled with adoration and respect. More often than not, however, you’ll see married couples who rarely talk to one another. A scowl on one’s face, a few steps ahead or behind their partner. Both wishing the other would take a leap in front of a running train. I remember those walks. I remember those scowls and I never want to return to those days. In order to find peace in your life think about your friends and their relationships. Ask yourself if you really and truly want what they have. Of all the ‘marrieds’ I know, three couples have relationships I respect. At one time there were four. Living alone can cause us great sadness but being alone by yourself is much easier to handle than being alone in a loveless marriage. Oscar Wilde said, ‘Bigamy is having one wife (husband) too many. Monogamy is the same.’ Choose wisely.
41. Save for you future. Divorce is a financial disaster, typically for the woman. It sets us back on our retirement planning, oh maybe, twenty years depending on how well we prepared and how good our lawyer was. Divorce can cost us financially for a lifetime. The bills are too high, our income barely covers the expenses, and to top it all off finding money to save for retirement doesn’t seem at all possible. Yes, the children need to go to college but you don’t want to burden their financial future. Someone is going to have to take care of you in your golden years. Make that someone be you, not your kids. Take care of yourself, plan for your future and insist your children take care of theirs. It’s not the best option but they have a better earning outlook than you and student loans are low interest investments. With medical research as it is, it’s probably going to cost more to keep us healthy than what we once expected. Remember to think of that twenty-five year goal. Today, it would be nice to have the pedicure, but in twenty-five years it will be nicer to have a place to live. Do not worry about your social status. It’s fallen anyway. Live the life you have, not the one you left, and if this one isn’t making enough money for you, go and find a better way.
WORK
I slept, and dreamed that life was Beauty,
I woke, and found that life was Duty.
Was thy dream then a shadowy lie?
Toil on, poor heart, unceasingly;
And thou shalt find thy dream to be
A truth and noonday light to thee.
Life a Duty.
- Ellen Sturgis Hooper
Work
The secret of joy in work is contained in one word – excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it. - Pearl Buck
Back in the ‘Dream’ section of this book, I suggested you keep two running lists. On one you were to include the things that make you come alive and on the other a compilation of things that cause you torment. I’m betting some of your positive and negative triggers both relate to work. Since you spend so many of your waking hours at your job it’s important to like what you do for a living. Mark Twain said, ‘The fellows who groan and sweat under the weary load of toil that they bear never can hope to do anything great. How can they when their souls are in a ferment of revolt against the employment of their hands and brains? The product of slavery, intellectual or physical, can never be great.’ So, if you want greatness (and who doesn’t to some degree?), but are unhappy at work (secretly dreaming of revolt), it makes sense that you need to find a way to be happy. It’s not likely as simple as asking, ‘Do you like your job or don’t you?’, but if it is, and your answer is, ‘I HATE my job!’, you must find a better way. Before you pack up your belongings and head out that door one last time take a moment to ponder what’s really going on because an attitude adjustment might be all that is needed.
Before uprooting yourself in search of elusive rainbows take an objective look at what’s going on around you. Those rainbows are out there, so don’t give up hope for a better tomorrow, just know that your cynicism might be a result of your outlook and not so much the job itself. Reflect, that’s all. You may be in the best job in the world for you and should stay put, or at the worst and are justified in wanting to leave. We all know divorce can make anyone bitter, and it’s hard to be positive when it seems that all of the bad karma you earned since you were five has finally caught up with you. If you believe it’s everybody else’s fault you’re unhappy – the boss and his bossy ways, the colleague and her icky ways, the ex – well - his ways, and the pressure…so much pressure - maybe it’s time you took a good long hard look at yourself. Seriously. We don’t like to think we are the trouble, but if we’re the one who is unhappy there is a pretty good chance we are indeed our biggest problem. I’m not trying to throw guilt, just responsibility. It’s our mind after all telling us life’s not fair. We should use that same mind to tell us just how fabulous life really is.
Blaming someone else for our unhappiness gives away our power. If we are miserable and are free to make choices we can’t hold anyone else responsible for where we find ourselves today. We can’t fault the boss, the colleague, or the crazy expectations of the job for our discontent, or we become a victim. Do you want to be a victim? I was one for years. Poor little Nancy. Everyone was so mean. The husband brought me to America to dump me. The friends all ran away. The boss was far too disrespectful, the teachers – some their cattiness a shame, and the kids – many of them – impertinent beyond compare! I used to wear my heart on my sleeve when the chief tried to belittle me, the big bad teacher was rude, or the students were hateful and ugly and I felt horrible - absolutely horrible. They didn’t like me and that broke my heart. I am a fair, good, decent person. I didn’t do anything to deserve their abuse. Confused by their behavior, and afraid I had done something to turn the whole world against me, I worried myself to death wondering what had become of me. Worried I was, but that didn’t stop me from getting caught up in one cat-fight after another. Oh my gosh, the insanity. I couldn’t stand who I’d become. I don’t do drama and I found myself at the center of it, always. So I quit. Not my job, but the bickering. When I gave up the drama, when I stopped playing the games, I found a little bit of peace at work. Just like Mama said, ‘It takes two to tango’, and I wasn’t interested in dancing any longer.
Nowadays I stand up for myself, my mind I speak, and life goes on quite lovely. I avoid the boss and keep my opinions to myself, and when the big bad teacher gets cheeky, I walk away realizing I don’t care if she likes me or not. If a child is insolent, I know my power. I give eye contact, you know the kind I’m talking about, and they know without a doubt I mean business. I own my life. No one else has dibs, and because of my accountability I’ve grown to like myself quite well. Certainly life would be much nicer if we could all get along while practicing our Sunday School lessons. But we don’t. We’re an aggressive bunch, all competing to be the best. All competing to get our own way. All with our own baggage that we bring to the table. How about you? What kind of baggage did you pick up since divorce?
Have you become a bossy, cranky, self-serving woman who tries to control everything and everyone since in his decision to leave, and in his control of you, he completely changed your life as you knew it? Do you find yourself complaining about every demand that’s imposed upon you? Or are you convinced life is all about being number one, and since it’s obvious you’re not anymore (yikes) you’ve got to work harder to prove your worth? If you let someone else ‘win’ does it mean you’ve lost - again? Have you become unwavering in your determination to protect your self-esteem, the wee bit that is left, just to prove you matter? Maybe you don’t want this control, but you hold on tightly to it afraid to give a smidgen away just in case what you give happens to be the thing that holds your house of cards together? Or perhaps you’ve thrown up the walls to show the world, ‘Ain’t nobody ever gonna tell me what to do again’. That means there’s no room for compromise and if you can’t give and take is there any wonder you find yourself all alone?
Just like perfectionism control of others is an impossibility. Why would anyone want to control somebody else? Lots try though. We see it everyday. Too many of us insisting it’s our way or the highway and nothing gets done but the bickering. No wonder we can’t get along. We’ve spent years believing a good self-esteem is necessary for success, yet some of us have confused what makes a good esteem with a belief that we’re the best just because of who we are and what we want and every single one of us would deny, or even realize, this is the person we’ve become. On a planet with 6.8 billion unique opinions, how are we ever going to get along? Oy vey.
What does it matter if they get their way if it doesn’t affect a big project your income depends upon, or if your expertise is not in jeopardy? Choose your battles and fight the ones that matter. In the meantime sit back and watch the colleagues. They’re very entertaining. There is someone, always, trying to rule the roost. When a big-mouthed colleague bullies his way through a meeting, trying to control all others, what happens? The rest grind in their heels, bracing themselves for a battle of wills. A bit silly, isn’t it? No different than a group of playground kids squeezing themselves into roles, all vying for that number one position. There is only one alpha wolf per pack and it’s not always the one in the top dawg position. Who is it at your workplace? Is it you? Or one of the other blood-thirsty mongrels who has a desperate need to be in control? Look at their faces. Is this who you want to be? Do you see their haughtiness? Can you sense their hard-headedness? I doubt they’re as much in charge as they’d like us to think. Seriously. Do they really control you? Hardly. No more than you will ever control them. Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor said, “Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.” Why in the world, would we want to control every situation? That’s a pretty arrogant stand to take, one that won’t make us a whole lot of friends in the long run. Loosen the reigns, lighten the load, let it all go, then feel the tension disappear from your body as you walk away from the battle that is stirring. Let them be true to themselves, and you go do the same. Now, that’s control! Yours.
Perhaps you’re not the controlling, know-it-all worker but instead you’ve developed a pessimistic, negative attitude toward life. Who can’t help but feel contrary after having been rejected by someone we love? Life’s a bitch, isn’t it (and then we marry one – and didn’t we?) Everyone is out for number one, and no one gives a damn about anyone but themselves. Look at them all. Lying, conniving, stirring up the drama? Who do they think they are? Lazy, opportunists – the whole damn lot of them, taking advantage of whoever will do the work for them. Just take the man we married. Out to use us, take from us what he could, then at the hint of one teeny tiny wrinkle, a grayed brow, or a little more droop than he bargained for, he got scared. He saw in us himself. He’s getting old, and he’s afraid of dying. Life isn’t bringing him the meaning he sought with the money, the prestige, the job, and the things. Life is still hollow, so he longs for a new beginning and the easiest thing to ditch was us since a replacement was so close at hand. The office slut had her hooks in him right from the moment they met. He’s having the time of his life. He’s getting laid, feeling younger than ever while living life high off the hog. She’s playing mom to our babies and she just turned legal herself. We’re stuck with a truckload of debt, the wrinkles, gray brows, and the droops – with more of each on the way. The colleagues stir drama, the work overwhelms, and no one gives us the time of day - not until we have something they need. No damn wonder we bitch till the cows come home. Well, Hon, suppose those cows don’t ever come home. Are you going to bitch forever? Is this who you really want to be?
Maybe instead of being a crank, you’ve simply given up. The chores are too many, the money, not enough. There is no fun ever, and, Sweetheart, you’re right, it seems the stars are aligned against you. So why bother caring anymore? You could be a robot for the amount of joy you get from life. You work day-in, day-out, nothing ever changing as you take care of your family all alone. There’s too much to do so why not just do the minimum? No one is going to notice anyway. No one cares enough to notice, so why should you? Just get done what is expected and then go home. Life is hard, so what’s the big deal if you’ve grown a little emo? Sheesh. What a sad and miserable way to live. I remember.
If divorce has its hold on you, moving to another job isn’t going to make a difference. You’re going with you wherever you go and until you mend this heart-broken tiger there’s not much point in leaving. There will always be a bull moose at work, and of course there will be those who won’t ever carry their load, but if you know your power, their less than noble behaviors won’t have any effect on you. Do your work. Figure out who you are, accept your responsibility, fix your attitude, learn to love yourself, and then if you conclude you aren’t the problem, but the job itself is the trouble, try adjusting your attitude again.
Rather than being sent round the bend by the crazies of work, turn the negatives of your job into a game while recognizing how much bad you’re willing to put up with in order to hold on to the good. Accept those things you cannot change. If you are not the boss and you’re not willing to reach for higher managerial positions, tolerate the way the business is run without trying to revolutionize it, even if you see mistakes and waste galore. When you perform your job, that which you were hired to do, and let those who were appointed to manage, manage, you will be able to go about your day without feeding the pessimistic bug that’s trying to take root within. Your boss may be a fool, disrespectful to all, imposing inane rules for everyone to follow, but if you can chuckle at his management style and still be content at the end of the day, you’re good where you are at. If the insanity of his demands brings you down every day, maybe instead of challenging your mind to find happiness, it might be easier to hit the pavement in search of a new beginning.
Remember few jobs are perfect and these days jobs are few. You may have no choice, but to stay. Don’t despair. There are things you can do to be content where you are at. The first thing you must do is pray. Pray for wisdom and strength and pray to be used for goodness throughout the day. Then use the madness of your job to build characters for your novel, super heroes and villains for your comic book, or as lessons on how to do a better job when you venture off on your own. When you have an alternative goal, you’ll look forward to the crazies rather than condemn them. Seriously. If you use the lunacy at work as excerpts in your graphic novel you’ll get excited when the next bit of insanity comes your way. Laugh at the antics of those who make mountains out of molehills while finding good material for an epic tale, an article for a magazine, or lyrics for that one hit wonder you’re going to write. Lighten up and see the silliness in the way things are done, then forget about criticizing every decision that comes from above.
If using good material from work to create a comic story doesn’t interest you, turn the craziness at work into a game of self-control. It’s easy to change your attitude when you stay focused. When you lose your target, your goal to be happy, that’s when your bad behaviors will surface, whining will take over, and disappointment will become a part of your life again. When the daily demands grow exponentially and you can’t possibly succeed, all you can do is laugh, cry, or leave and until you can leave, you might as well laugh.
If you can’t turn the bad around, it’s time to go. Fear, staying because you are afraid to move on, is no longer a reasonable option. Have your back door open always, another job in the wings so when you’re ready to call ‘it’ quits you can. If you believe you can work through the issues that cause you frustration get involved and make those changes happen. If you wake every day depressed at the notion of going back you’ve got to create for yourself a brand new beginning. Whatever you decide, remember life, all of it, is a mind game. Your mind game. Yours to control how you will respond to whatever is taking place around you. You can choose to be angry or you can choose to be happy. You might think, ‘He makes me angry.’ But that’s not true. You make you angry. Your choice. Remember, victory over oneself is the game. Prayer and reflection most certainly help. Prayer reminds you of your strengths and weaknesses, and reflection allows you to see how you’ve succeeded and failed each day.
That doesn’t mean you put up with mistreatment from your boss, or your co-workers in order to tame your mind. There is a line where the mind shouldn’t convince you to stay. If you are being harassed, disrespected, mistreated, or shamed, and your assertiveness cannot protect you, you’re working with a bully and would be better off someplace else.
If for now, all you can do is dream of that perfect career you have to understand yourself well enough to know where you belong. Think about who you are now that you’ve divorced. I have completely changed from the woman I was when I was married. I’m more like the kid I was in grade school. How about you? Who are you these days?
Are you a busy bee who thrives on chaos with a zillion pots on the stove at a time? Or meticulous working one thing until you’ve reached perfection? Are you efficient beyond compare? Or the one who loses every important memo that’s been given to you? Are you a loner? Or a people person? Do you get a thrill when working as a member of a team? Or have you tired of inefficient groups? Are you constantly thinking of new ways to do old things? Or are you content in following a routine? Are you a night owl or an early bird? Do you earn and demand respect? Or are you forever being walked upon by others? Are you private? Or revealing? Do you delegate? Or take the world on by yourself? Do you try to right the wrongs of the world? Or do you mind your own business? Are you fast? Or as slow as can be at getting anything finished? Take the time to think about who you are so you can figure out exactly where it is you need to go. If you want to see your life take off in a new direction you absolutely must know what you want. Don’t procrastinate. The years are moving fast.
Take your list of loves you’ve been collecting along with this new understanding of who you have become and dream up your perfect job. Include the insane, the foolish, the ‘never gonna happen’ ideas. Be crazy, be passionate, be wild, way out there on a limb building a unique to you kind of life. Even if you never work this dream job, preparing for it is a must. Planning requires time and commitment so forget about multitasking right now, and give this your undivided attention, at least for a couple of hours each week. It’s not selfish to plan your life. It truly is a necessity. Get it on paper what you must do and give yourself deadlines to follow. We all need dreams even if we never reach our intended goal. A life with un-fulfilled dreams is still better than life without anything with which to look forward. Use your joys, your happy triggers, to build a masterful life. Here’s how it works.
Look back on your list of loves. Maybe one of your positive triggers is physical fitness. If you’re a health fanatic you may have hidden away in the back of your mind a longing to start a fitness club. With so many health centers in your neighborhood another one doesn’t sound like a smart idea. Use your strengths to make yours different. Go campaigning, like a politician, door-to-door to promote your new club. With a fire in your belly, and ideas in your head, be determined to make this work while spreading your contagious enthusiasm. Involve your community and let the people in your town see your hope-filled, positive spirit. Speak directly to your mayor and set up fitness challenges between your city and a neighboring town. Twenty years ago my city did just that. The mayor of the town that lost the most weight got to save their locks while the losing city’s mayor had to shave theirs. On one particular day, Physical Fitness Day, the citizens were encouraged to participate in a health challenge to help our mayor win. Those who were active called into a hotline to report their activity. Not only was this good for the citizens, it was also great PR for the mayor, and it brought our town together. She kept her silver do as our proud community pulled together for the good of all.
Set up weight loss challenges between local businesses, schools in the same system, or between sub-divisions on opposite parts of town. Offer discounts to anyone who partakes in the challenge. Give prizes to the winners and membership discounts to the losing team. Sticker rewards for every five pounds shed, no matter how old we are, still motivates. Include health professional services to offer advice and target those who are trying to live the mind, body, spirit life. Offer spa services or indulgences your competition lacks. Be creative. Find ways to make your center work by developing more imaginative marketing plans than the same old health club down the road. Be upbeat, pro-active and keep your costumers pumped. Become a conscience to your patrons. Send text messages or emails encouraging them to keep up the good work while reminding them of their afternoon workout. Be their personal trainer so they will reap the benefits. If they lose weight in a positive way that is supportive, your business will grow and your customers will become your best marketing tool. Think outside of the box. Use today’s technology to improve on yesterday’s winners. If you don’t yet have the capital to make this happen, work at a fitness center while offering some suggestions for success. Know in your heart if this is what you must do then go and make it happen.
Maybe losing weight doesn’t interest you but food does. There could be a market in your area for home-cooked meals with delivery services. Busy families, single people, senior citizens, or those on restricted diets may be wishing for home cooked meals in the comfort of their own home. Do a bit of research to confirm the need of such a business in your area and if this is a no go still find a way to make cooking a part of your life. Do you watch the Food Network and know you’ve got as much flair for preparing food as the top chefs on TV? Make your own video. Who cares if anyone ever sees it? Create! YouTube it! You’ve got to start somewhere to get to the root of your je nais ce quoi, so get busy. Of course your initial projects may be dull, tacky, not quite your best, so practice. You’ll only get better if you work toward success. Perhaps your video will be a bust but the cookbook you’ll write will be like no other. If that bombs, so be it, your cooking classes, the ones you’ll host at the local community college will be grand. And if no one shows, teach 4H kids or Girl Scouts how to make a meal. Then YouTube that success and write a cookbook for an audience you never originally considered. It’s the doing that is important. So get active.
Don’t quit your day job until you’re prepared, but don’t give up your dreams while working your day job. If it takes a lifetime to prepare, take a lifetime to prepare. At least you’re doing something you love. I know the fire may only be burning in your belly and it could be that no one in your town shares your passion. Folks could easily be apathetic toward your ideals, but don’t give up trying if this is your dream. If you’ve done all you can to serve your town, and you find no one is the least bit interested in your plan, find another way to serve. I’m writing. What else can you do?
When we’re unsure if we’re on the right track we want validation from others. What is the ‘right’ track anyway? What’s right for you isn’t going to be true for someone else. Would you have married their spouse, raised your kids the same way, bought the same kind of car, or would you want to live in the same neighborhood? We’re different. Don’t count on anyone else to lead you through this life. Some friends will support you, most will not. I have shared portions of this book with four people. Each had a unique response to my writing. One didn’t respond (ouch). Another analyzed my every word (even worse). A third reader was reasonably supportive, and the fourth began running, she said - motivated by my words. The one who started running is the only one of the four who absolutely, totally, and continuously has encouraged me. The others, I can sense their negativity and disillusionment. These aren’t the kind of people I want in my life. All it took to keep me writing is what my motivated friend did to inspire. ‘Send me the next section, Nancy. I can’t wait.’ Even if she didn’t read it, which I know she did, her message is loud and clear. She believes in me. The others, not so much. We all need someone who believes in us. I do so miss my friend.
Walt Disney said, ‘Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that.’ Look at all Mr. Disney accomplished and imagine everyone chuckling at his childlike ideals. He knew what he was talking about. Worry instead about staying focused and being spot on target for you. People won’t know your level of commitment and they will reflect upon you from their personal standpoint. Would they be willing to attempt what you’re doing? If you’ve tapped their interests you’ll find support. If they aren’t a part of your target they won’t understand what it is you are trying to accomplish and their opinion will be less than encouraging. Emerson said, “Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.” I say, be courageous. Others may be right, but what does it matter if at least you are trying? I’m betting they’re not even doing that. Yes, some friends will discourage you, partly because they don’t have the guts to go out on a limb, partly because they’re trying to protect you from future disappointments, but maybe because they just think they know better. A little egotistical, don’t you think? How in the world would they know what’s best for you? Would you do what they’re doing with their life? Hardly. So don’t you go listening to their plans for you.
So what if you’re fitness club flops, or your cookbook wasted a year of your life? At least you’ve done something. Gandhi said, ‘Almost everything you do will seem insignificant, but it’s important that you do it.’ You’ve already failed and survived. Do it again! Failure is the greatest teacher. Every time I paint, I find a way to improve. Every day I write, I seem to get better. Though my first attempts at both were lame, bit by bit I’m improving. Rather than feeling like a victim when things don’t go as planned, ask yourself, ‘Ok, now what do I do?’ Anticipate roadblocks, knowing you can handle any obstacle that is thrown along your path. It’s a game after all. Your own personal reality show. Don’t worry about looking the fool. In the long run, one hundred years from now when your dead and buried, it won’t matter one bit if you made a spectacle of yourself singing on stage in front of a million people, or if your business venture plummeted. Maybe the world will still be talking, but what will you care? That’s all the more reason to do it.
Don’t expect miraculous financial success if you don’t put forth the effort. For financial success to occur a good product, drive, and a whole lotta luck is what you need. If your goal instead of financial success is happiness anticipate more fun than you have ever imagined as you devour one new project, or job, after the next.
I love to teach and through healing my broken heart I have unexpectedly grown to enjoy writing. With this book I have combined my interest in teaching with my new found joy of writing hoping I can spread optimism in a world that so desperately needs it. Because I’ve spent hour upon hour writing I have asked myself a zillion times, ‘Why are you wasting your time?’ No longer do I ask. It’s not a waste. This writing motivates me to practice what I preach. It gives me purpose and something for which to look forward. When I start feeling like life is never going to change I write and my attitude changes, then life is good again. I will submit this book in hopes of earning money. I really want my foot out the back door from the life I’m living, but that’s not my only goal. I want to make my years of heartache matter. A ‘boo ya’ to my past if you’d like. I want to spread hope by sharing the hard lessons I’ve learned. I also want to feel productive while making sense of my world. I want a purpose that feels true to me and I want to close the door to my past forever. Money would be the icing on the cake because I cannot wait to get out of here, and I don’t have the money to leave. I feel stuck in my past on a teacher’s salary that keeps me from exploring the world. When I write I pray to the Lord asking for his hand in the process. I have also asked ‘the universe’ to make this book a humungous success both for the reader and my bank account. I’ve also asked that it be finished by Christmas so I can get on to something new. (Maybe I should have been specific– Christmas ’08 has passed, so now my deadline is Christmas ’09. The clock is ticking.)
I enjoy writing. I love being home. I love to read and learn. I love my solitude. I think I could get used to the life of a writer. I’ll let you know how that turns out. I know this book may never get beyond my computer, but I hope by writing it I develop a talent that will allow me financial gain in the future. It’s a dream. Will I achieve it? I have no idea. What I do know is I need to find my back door and I’m hoping that writing will lead me to a door with the wonderful prize. I know there are googles of writers in this world. I know the competition is fierce. I also know I enjoy writing, so for now I write and nothing else matters. If this book results in nothing more than lessons for my grandbabies, or a source of hop in my daily step, that’s just as much reason to write.
Don’t give up expecting more from your life. The years are not in your favor, the bank account probably isn’t either. You have to work harder than ever now that you’re a single parent family, and your responsibilities are consuming. There will be days you’ll feel like giving up, sometimes every day. But if you want a brand new life, and you want to be happy, then by golly, go and do what puts a hop in your step while you can. Even taking small steps each day is better than taking no steps at all. Bit by bit, you’re going to find yourself somewhere else than here.
Being busy does not always mean real work. The object of all work is production or accomplishment and to either of these ends there must be forethought, system, planning, intelligence, and honest purpose, as well as perspiration. Seeming to do is not doing.
– Thomas Edison
Recap/To Do:
Turn the crazies of work into funnies
Know how much you can take and do just that
Leave the drama queens and kings to themselves
When colleagues get angry with you, if you did something wrong apologize, and if you didn’t let them stew in their personal misery without you taking the blame
Work the hours you were hired to work then use the rest of your day to find a way out
Have your back door job in the wings
Expect backstabbers just don’t let them touch you
Reflect - to make sure it’s the job that’s miserable and not you
Know your personal idiosyncrasies and make them work for you
Use your positive triggers to develop a perfect job
Plan a bit each day to get closer to your dream job
Have a back door – I can’t stress that enough
Practice, practice, practice
Create
Turn off that voice that says you have no choice, and look instead at all your gifts
Be hopeful for a better day – right now!
Write while the kids are home, get a second job when they leave
Pray
42. Be an active participant in life. It’s not enough to be doing something simply to be busy. Start creating. We give away too much money and time paying others to entertain us. We go to the movies others produced, a sports event others trained for, watch TV shows others have written, and eat dinners someone else prepared. If we do get involved in a project we follow patterns others designed. Of course it’s fun to be entertained though too much of a good thing keeps us from really being happy. The emptiness many of us feel might stem from living our life without being fully active participants. Cleaning the house isn’t enough. It’s only another way to avoid getting to know who you really are. It’s a great feeling when you finish your to-do list for the day, and of course it’s nice to have a tidy home, but what did you really accomplish? You’ll have to get up the next morning to do the whole thing again, then the next day, and the following. Create, invent, develop ideas. Make movies, don’t rent them. Train for a sport, don’t watch one. Help design sets for the local theater rather than be a spectator. Write a children’s book on lessons you’ve taught your babies, or make preserves to sell on consignment at the local antique mall. It takes investigative research to figure out what it is you want to do. Try one thing and if it doesn’t interest you do something else. Get active and start living.
43. Take care of YOU. Since no one else is interested in taking care of you (ouch) you’ve got to do it yourself. Don’t feel guilty. How you treat yourself today could determine how your kids will care for their future partners. Your sons will give their wives respect if you, their mother, expect it. If your daughters see you forever giving of yourself without any care for your own happiness, she’ll live her days following in your foot-steps. Is that what you want for her? Few people have the opportunity to spend as much time alone as the lonely middle-aged mama. Yes, there are days your load is heavier than humanly possible to carry, but then there are those long, uneventful weekends when the kids are gone and you’re left all alone. There’s only so much work you can do before you start to wonder what is the point? Use this time to take care of yourself. Soak in the tub, spend time in prayer, make plans and schemes for the week ahead and also for your future. Do your work, but do for yourself as well. It tore my heart from my soul the first time my boys left me to spend time with their father. There wasn’t a thing I could do to stop it, according to the court, so I chose to embrace it. There is nothing wrong with self-pampering as long as you are respectful of others and not neglectful of your responsibilities. Most mamas don’t get this opportunity, so be grateful for this time to reboot and recharge yourself.
44.Being good doesn’t protect you. I have a friend whose child suffered from peer brutality in middle school causing a lot of grief in her family. My friend went to church, committed herself to the training of the Bible, prayed relentlessly and nothing changed. I have spent my life concerned with doing right, being honest - without causing pain (except, I shamefully admit, to the exes) and doing my part to make the world a better place. I believed I would be protected from harm if I did right, but that’s not what happened. In spite of my goodness I got hurt and as far as I can tell the exes are living their lives unaffected by their ‘bad’ behavior. For a while I was convinced that because they were heartless they had to be miserably unhappy people (they aren’t), that justice would prevail (it didn’t) and that goodness would triumph (so far, not true). I didn’t deserve what happened to me any more than my friend’s child did, or you do. Terrible circumstances are a part of life and regardless of how others have treated us we must move beyond the betrayal, while continuing to be grateful for our life as we persist in giving back to a world that suffers. Don’t give up being good because someone you loved did you wrong.
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Fears
What is Success?
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded
- Unknown
Face Your Fears
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.- Anne Frank
We’re a bunch of scaredy cats, aren’t we? Afraid we are that our kids will be abducted, get cancer if they play outside, have a car wreck, God forbid, or be the victim of a teacher who wants to do the nasty with them. We are filled with crazy fears causing us to hide from everything, afraid to face the things that make us anxious. We’re a country built on sensationalized news creating in all of us apprehensions that are far too often a tad bit ridiculous. We bury our dreams, and our potential, because of our fears. We’re so afraid we won’t measure up we don’t even try in case we look a fool.
As much as we’re afraid of rejection we’re scared acceptance, should it happen, will only be ours for a while (rejection). If we weren’t good enough for the one guy, will we ever be good enough for another? What if we don’t measure up to his expectations? Will he run for cover leaving us to face our inadequacies all alone? Again. Maybe we’re not classy enough, or instead too refined. Perhaps we’re not slim enough, or maybe we’re too skinny. Are we smart enough to earn his respect or will he see that we’re not quite as sharp as we’d like him to think? Can any of us compete with the beauties on T.V., those gals most men adore? Of course we’re afraid we aren’t good enough. Most of us don’t come close to those expectations, yet we all know that’s what most guys prefer. We like the buffed bodies too, so why wouldn’t they? Aye, aye, aye. The insanity of it all.
We worry about an awful lot of things: our children, our health, our family, our job, and our futures when most of the time there is little we can do to stop life from happening if life has intentions of going against our plan. Think of your fears. What keeps you from stepping away from your comfort zone? I fear the shame I will wear as a public educator because of my inappropriate use of commas. I fear the little buggers and the people who will tell me just how much I’ve abused them. So great is that fear I nearly walked away from this project before I got started. I’m a teacher after all, just not in English, but still I should know better. It’s rejection I fear, and the humiliation I will carry because I am an incompetent fool when it comes to those enigmatic little hooks. (Truth be told, before this book goes too far, I will have an English colleague control the little irritants.)
Everyone judges. Most of us don’t critique to be malicious, but we judge to make sense out of life. Since we criticize the lives of others we know they in turn are evaluating ours, so we worry, not so much about their opinion, but instead how we’re measuring up. Are we reaching some level of victory or do we look like a broken-hearted fool? Are we keeping our heads above water while maintaining some sense of dignity or have we completely gone over the edge? What will they think if we can’t get beyond our pain, or we’re over him one week and dating someone new the next? Will they call us a hoochie mama or secretively envy us our new man? Will they think us desperate or crazy, or will they have bets on the table predicting how long it will last? What if we never go out with a guy again? Will they pity us, think us strange, a cop-out, or a lesbian? Will they suppose our ex is right when he said we are a cold-hearted bitch and no one will ever want us again? Will they ever believe that we’re happier by ourselves and not the least bit interested in repeating that life we once knew? We worry an awful lot about a lot of silly things.
Lessons we learned at church, from our parents, or through crazy superstitions have made us fearful of living. Do something bad and you’ll spend eternity in hell. How many of us sassed our parents when we were teenagers? That’s one of the big ten. Thou shalt honor thy father and mother. Does that mean because we got flippant with our mom in ninth grade we’re going to spend eternity with the devil unless we beg forgiveness? Holy cow, I don’t remember every single sin I’ve committed. Should I be afraid? ‘Don’t tempt fate’ we say because we worry the words once spoken will bring to us the horrible outcome, even if it was all in jest. We fear that bad words will come back to haunt us, but never expect the million dollar winnings we say we’re going to get to really be ours for the taking. We knock wood to protect us from harm and throw salt over our shoulder, just to be safe! What’s that all about??!! I do it too, but I have to wonder why?
Think about chain mails that promise fulfillment if we pass along the message to twenty of our closest friends, all within the next four hours. The real motive? – spam and new addresses. Why do folks believe these things? (especially in the Bible Belt?) A month before my first husband left I received, via snail mail, a very nasty chain letter. It was filled with evil promises. If I didn’t handwrite and forward it to a dozen or so friends, my life was guaranteed to suffer. I wrote the letters, had them addressed, but I couldn’t pass the poison forward. I gave them to my husband who tossed them into the trash. Within a month my life was a mess. Was this the result of the horrible chain letter? It’s easy to say ‘yes’, but the reality is I married a gay man. It was only a matter of time before the marriage would end. That letter didn’t make him gay (and neither did this ice queen), but that letter worked on my fears. Life happened, that’s all. I am grateful I did not pass the evil forward. Silly, I know, but this shows how we can let our fears take control. We can’t win when we let our apprehensions cloud reality. They disable us from giving our best because we’re convinced our best isn’t good enough. If perchance the letter had wicked powers, I cautiously curse the one who sent it.
Then there are the men? Have you, because of hurt, grown terrified of them? Or are you now one of those women who despises all guys because you’ve got them figured out? If Cupid found your man at a bargain basement sale rather than an up-scale, quality boutique that doesn’t mean all men are bad. You know that, don’t you? Maybe you’ve watched one too many Lifetime movies and are convinced that you are just as likely to be harmed by a guy as to find happiness with him. That’s nonsense. There are decent men in this world, lots of them, but fear will incapacitate your ability to think rationally and it can prevent you from finding love again. Figure out who you are before you get involved. If you attract bad guys, you’ll learn it has a whole lot more to do with you than with the fellas.
Of course, not all men are good. Some have far too much baggage and won’t ever see beyond their selfish needs, but take a chance on love every now and then if love should come your way. If you are never blessed with long-lasting love, rather then being disappointed because no one sticks around for the long haul, enjoy your time spent with those who want you for awhile. Love finds us all in very different ways. Some of us get the guy forever, some have short period romances, and some of us find love in other kinds of relationships: friends, pets, family, or hobbies. It’s all a matter of attitude. Be wise, and don’t involve your kids if you find yourself living the life of multiple lovers. Know that your happiness can never be found in somebody else. It has got to come from you.
Here’s a question to consider. How trustworthy are you nowadays? Can you depend on yourself to make wise choices should the right guy come a calling? Could you be vulnerable, exposing your heart again, or does the idea send shivers through your spine? Would you feel threatened, or jealous if he was late picking you up one time too many? If you noticed him spending a few extra minutes conversing with a brown-eyed beauty would you grow accusative and ugly, or would you let it go? Would you ask with tact in a straight-forward manner who she is and what’s going on? Or would you fume, spy, and become suspicious all over again? Who is it you really cannot trust? A guy? Or You? Do you know your boundary – what you’re willing to put up with and how you would respond if he crossed your line? Do you know how to be treated with respect? Do you have the guts to defend your turf if he shoves you into a corner? – both literally and figuratively and if you have to defend it in the first place can you recognize it as an unhealthy relationship? Or do you make excuses? ‘Nobody’s perfect’, and all that rubbish. Are you worried a new guy will try to change everything about you? My second husband tried to convince me I washed the dishes wrong because as a leftie I move the dishes in the opposite direction than he. He was serious, and not all that kind about it. Where’s your confidence? Do you have enough to end a bad relationship at the cost of spending the years ahead alone? Do you have the self-assurance to say, ‘Back off, Sweetheart’? What’s your price? What is the thing you absolutely will not allow a man to do or you will call it quits? Has your worth increased since hubby left or are you still willing to put up with someone’s controlling ways because you are too frightened of being alone? Have you learned anything from your previous relationships or do you keep playing the same old game over and over without changing any of your rules?
How about exploring the world? Are you fearful of going anywhere by yourself because you’ve heard all your life a single woman courts disaster when she ventures off alone? Are you afraid others will pity you if they spot you out alone? Does it make your heart beat faster and your blood pressure rise if you do something out of the ordinary? Or do you spend your weekends cooped-up at home growing more afraid of the outside world each day? Know your fears. Write them down and face them one at a time.
Some fears can be pretty unreasonable. Just this week I had a Burmese python wrapped around my body. That didn’t bother me at all. Calling people, however, makes me anxious. I put off contacting my car insurance company for months because I hate asking others for help. Yesterday, I went to the company, spoke with an agent and had my payments lowered by half. I could have been saving hundreds of dollars for years had I faced my irrational fear of using the phone. Silly, I know, and when I make calls I always tell myself, ‘That wasn’t so bad.’ And it never is.
It’s frightening to be real nowadays. We wonder if we weren’t good enough for the guy who loved us, how in the world will we be good enough for anyone else? American writer, Rita Mae Brown said, ‘About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all.’ Who cares what others think? You, me, we are free to be whomever we want to be. Someone will always be there to snarl at our suggestions, and roll their eyes when we voice our opinion. Just expect it and rather than feeling inadequate about it remember what Ms. Brown said. We’ve already been rejected by the person we gave our heart, so let’s go live! And let’s go have some fun! And let’s never worry again whether we’re good enough for any one else. If we like ourselves, by golly that can be quite enough. It certainly is better than being joined at the hip with someone who treats us badly.
Imagine the freedom you have, that others do not. You’re free to fail. They’re not. You will survive and they, God forbid, would have to go through what you already have experienced if divorce came a-knocking at their door. You’re far ahead of the race when it comes to failing because you’ve had some real life practice. Failure to those who’ve ‘got it going on’ is not something they’ll handle well. I hope you get my point. Again, it’s a matter of attitude. Stop worrying about what others think. You know most of them believe they’re more together than you simply because they’re married. Being married, gives them more stuff, more help, more support, and more courage. In this game of life, in this society, that does make them ahead, but change your rules, and all of a sudden you’re simply going in a different direction. No competitions, except with yourself. No comparisons as to who has what and whom is winning. You shouldn’t compare apples and oranges and you shouldn’t compare lives. You’re in a good place because you can be authentic. Not that the marrieds can’t, but you’ve been stripped from those things that so often mask who we really are.
I hate to say it, but it’s probably safe to assume most people don’t spend a lot of time thinking about us anyway. Sure they judge, and definitely they’ll talk, but most folks don’t live vicariously. We invest our thoughts on our own purpose, not anyone else’s. Yes, some will enjoy sharing the news of our scandalous break-ups. They’ll gossip if our business venture flops. If we try a fashion faux pas we may cause sniggers, and if we date the sleaziest man in town they’ll probably have a chuckle or two on our behalf. But just like in high school they’re still thinking of themselves more than they are concerned about us. That’s human nature. You do it too, as do I. Of course they’ll talk, they’ll get over it, they’ll move on, and not a one will lose sleep over what you’re doing in your life if it doesn’t affect them. So stop fretting about what others think. If they want to talk about you give them the best, juiciest story you can give.
Failing is not bad. It’s a tool for learning and can be used to conquer your world. At teacher’s college we were told to grade papers using a different color of ink than red. Apparently red is too harsh. We’re encouraged to use purple or turquoise so that students don’t feel dumb when they make a mistake. I say embrace mistakes – don’t soften them. Learn from them. Yippee! I got it wrong, but next time I’m going to get it right. Our mistakes are challenges to be conquered, not things that should cause us shame. If this is our first go round at life, why would we know the right way? Heck, I can’t get through the city without direction, and no one has ever sat me down with a map of my life. There are times I’m going to get lost.
My marriages both ended but does that mean I failed? Of course it’s easy to say yes, but a change in attitude can show successes as well. From my first marriage, I have three sons, a standard of living that is probably better than I would have earned on my own, opportunities for my children that are more readily available in America, and trips to places I would not have visited on my own. My second marriage gave me much needed support when I thought I could hold on no longer. I went to Europe twice and I had a very good friend (even if he was a jerk) when I needed one most. I also got a TV, vacuum cleaner, surround sound, a printer, and a washing machine. Now, I understand marriage is a high price for a few appliances, but it’s a matter of outlook that determines whether I failed. Hey, I got married twice. Two men fell in ‘love’ with me long enough to ask for my hand. Lots of marrieds can’t say that. Change your attitude. Embrace your failures. They can take you places you never before imagined. The more you fail, the more you’re going to live and with each failure you’ll find yourself getting closer to what you consider a success.
Thomas Edison said, ‘I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.’ As I write this book, I feel successful just in having contributed to the process. The book may never be published. The hours and months, and at this rate – years, may result in time spent without financial gain, but this writing has motivated, inspired, and allowed me to find purpose every time I sit down at my computer. I’ve grown happier because I write. I’ve lost fear because I write. I have gained meaning and direction because I write. Since I started writing, not once have I awoken with a heavy heart. This book has been anything but a failure. Already it’s a success and will only fail now if I never complete it.
What does it matter if you fall short? What shame will cause you more embarrassment than you’ve already lived? Good golly, your marriage fell apart. Two of mine ended. What could be more embarrassing? Embarrassment is a self-made condition. If you fail, you fail and only look a fool if you allow yourself. Bounce back up, dust yourself off and get back to work focusing on achieving your personal mission. Embarrassment? – what ever. You can’t be embarrassed if you don’t allow others to define who you are. Actor and playwright, Harvey Fierstein, said, ‘Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." Believe in yourself. Make personal guidelines for what you consider a victory then when you fall, get back up and start all over again. Change your perspective of what failure really is. It’s living.
What if you had five good years left? Can you imagine thinking every day before you got out of bed, ‘I only have five years left to enjoy this wonderful gift.’ That’s only 1825 days. God forbid, you just might. What can you do today to make this day more meaningful? We can’t waste our days thinking we have more time coming around the corner. We can be hopeful, but we have to face the reality that time is slipping away. We must, from here on out, bravely face those things that make us cower.
Start conquering your fears today by challenging your small day-to-day nerve-wracking triggers. Not the big ones that keep you from fulfilling your gigantic dreams, but those minor fears that prevent you from finding peace. Those seemingly insignificant short-term horrors can have long lasting consequences. The irritable colleague who rules the roost with her over-bearing negative attitude, I know she puts the fear of God in you. How are you going to address this fear? How can you earn respect and demand it at the same time? Does panic set in when others depend upon your judgment, even if your decision is as insignificant as choosing where the group will do lunch? You know wherever you choose to go someone is going to complain. Do you realize your opinion is every bit as important as the one who is criticizing? They want to be in control. Can you take it from them? Do you care enough to try? You should, just to feel what it’s like to win. Then if the win is hollow, because it really doesn’t matter, let the others select without complaint. And what about the ex when he plays money games? Do you fear where the next rent payment will come from if he decides you shouldn’t get support? Maybe you’re not being nice, or maybe he needs the money. What’s fear going to do for you if you don’t get your check? It is a dog eat dog world. Can you get through your days without being bitten, and without biting back?
Fears debilitate. They are our mind playing devil’s advocate, convincing us we can’t have more, we shouldn’t have more, and that more isn’t worth pursuing. Most fears are based on rejection. In this life, we can be fearful, and cowardly or we can make up our mind to get out there and be brave. We don’t have to go to war, but we do have to go to battle with our own personal struggles. Writer, Sydney Smith cautioned, ‘A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage. Every day sends to their grave obscure men whose timidity prevented them from making a first effort.’ Everyone of my friends could write a book just like I am. Everyone of them has the aptitude and the ability and are probably better at comma placement than I. Too timid? Perhaps. Not interested? That’s a possibility. Not enough time? That’s a probability. Just as likely they fear their words don’t matter and they worry what others will think. Yes, I’m going to be judged. Even Steinbeck was judged. Sure negative reviews will sting, but we have to be tough. If the source of your criticism is a good one, listen and learn. If the source of the critique is someone who spends their life complaining, don’t take their criticism to heart. I can already hear the condemnation from those who will assess my words. When my own friend reads my story and doesn’t come close to hearing my meaning, I can only imagine what those who live their lives critiquing others will hear. It’s probably likely they are hearing what they want to hear, not what I, or you, or anyone else, is saying.
When I was in college I personally graded my professors. I critiqued each one just as they assessed me. They didn’t know it, of course, but the funny thing is, my English teacher, the only professor with whom I earned a B, got a D from me. I wanted to learn about commas! We judge. We assess. Learn from those who have something of value to share and forget about all the rest.
Find peace in knowing that this journey isn’t about competing with anyone but you. Everyone of us is in the same production. We’re all playing a role, all playing a game, and all trying to succeed. What is success? That depends on what you want from this life. Those who have had the greatest successes are also the people who have failed the most while continuing to be true to themselves. Go fail. Plan EVERY day to fail at something. Face your fears then fail again and again so you eventually are amazingly great at whatever it is you love to do.
Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.
- Dorothy Thompson
Recap/ To Do:
• When we’re afraid, we’re also angry.
• Do you trust yourself to do what is right?
• Do you know your boundaries?
• You’re free to fail because you already have.
• Other people don’t think about us as often as we think they do. What does it matter if they critique our choices?
• Embarrassment is a self-made condition.
• Fail, fail, and fail some more.
• The more you fail, the more you live.
• Redefine failure. Failure = Living
• What if you have five years left?
• What if, God forbid, today is the day the final curtain falls?
• Grow brave.
45.Want for more. Here’s a dilemma. How do we want for more and be content with what we have? It sounds contradictory to want and be satisfied at the same time, but it’s all part of this game that we play. We set goals for things we don’t have in order to get more from life. We set goals so we have something to look forward to and in order to keep ourselves active. If we work toward nothing, living the same day repeatedly, the blues will creep in and the dulls will take control. It’s okay to want for more. Want for a lot more than what you have right now, but be content in your present situation. I certainly don’t wear the nicest clothes or drive the newest car. I can’t afford either but I’m content with my discount clothing and my twelve-year-old Barbie Malibu. Like most women, I would love to have designer fashions and a new car but for now I’m happy with what I have. On my list of goals I have included a stylish wardrobe and a hot little sports car, but those things aren’t my priority. I want things that have intrinsic value, that will amortize over time rather than depreciate. I want wisdom, hope, and purpose.
46.What about the booty call? It takes a long time to earn a good reputation and even longer to repair a damaged one. One minute, one choice, can destroy someone’s perfect name. No one wants to get caught up in worrying about what others think, but good character goes a long way in a personal evaluation. If hurt from your ex turns you into a hoochie mama, you’re going to pay a price. Your kids will lose respect for you, your colleagues as well. More importantly, so will you. A mama rarely finds her ‘soul mate’ jumping from one bed to another. If our time between the sheets is hot and sweaty then good golly it must be love. Weren’t we lucky to have found him so soon after our marriage fell apart? When my first husband left, only the advice from my lawyer kept me from trashing myself. I didn’t care who had me, not in the least. I just wanted someone to touch me, to love me. Sex meant absolutely nothing to me and I could have given it away to every man I knew. I am so glad my lawyer intervened. This is what I’m talking about. Don’t go there. If you think you’ve got problems now add a fella who wants a booty call at two in the morning when the kids are in bed. Once you’re over your pain and are able to think clearly, do what you need to do to take care of business. Protect your kids from thinking mama is a promiscuous woman if all of a sudden uncles are banging on the door at all hours of the day and night. They may not understand at five, but at twelve they’re going to be pretty savvy to what’s going on with Mama. Protect them, protect you, and be discreet. I don’t care what any adult does in the privacy of their bedrooms. Some women are pretty savoir-faire when it comes to sex and can keep their emotions intact. Some women cannot and will fall head over heels in love every time. Be careful. That’s all.
I Dare You
Although I haven’t done many of the dares that follow I am encouraging you to do that which makes my palms sweat and knees quiver. I’m a big old coward and although many a reader will find these dares elementary and already a part of they’re daily life I find the following activities to be anxiety-producing, stomach-turning goals. For those of you who say, ‘Piece of cake’ I encourage you to write a book that will inspire us even further. Bravery is what we need and although I talk a big talk, walking the path is something I sometimes find too daunting.
These dares are to be accomplished alone. This is your reality show and you’re the winner if you can complete the following feats by yourself. Some of them you may ask, ‘Why?’ and even though I’m the one suggesting the activities I have also asked myself, ‘Why?’ The reason for doing these crazy antics has less to do with chalking things off your to-do list and more to do with gaining confidence. I heard an actress once say she did a nude scene to get rid of her fears so she could finally be real through and through. To be naked in front of everyone would do that, so I want you to get completely naked - with your clothes on – exposing your soul, so you know you’re going to be okay, even if you make mistakes along the way. Be brave. Play act the confidence if you must, but get out there and play. I dare you!
It took years before I would go to the movie theater alone. Years! The first time I felt uneasy. I thought people would notice. The place is dark. No one did. The second time wasn’t as bad and by my third trip, I was hooked on solitary movie going. Now, I prefer going to a show by myself. I don’t talk to anyone and they’re not chatting with me. I can go to the picture I want to see and not cave in to another’s preference. Nearly every time I go to the movie theater I see men sitting alone, but rarely women. I don’t think ‘loser’ when I see the men. I don’t really think at all about why they are there by themselves. I doubt other movie goers notice me, but if they do I suspect they’re thinking more along the lines of, ‘I could never do that.’ Maybe one day my solitary movie going will give someone who finds themselves in my shoes the courage to do the same.
With all my talk I haven’t been able to bring myself to dine alone. I have a friend who feels very uncomfortable going to the theater by herself but often eats out alone. Three times I’ve been spotted having coffee by myself, and each time I was pitied. It was coffee! I didn’t understand their sympathy. One woman even said, ‘Oh, your all alone. That’s so sad.’ I wasn’t sad until then, and because of her comment I haven’t been brave enough to face their pity if I am found out dining alone. I live in a small town and because I’m a teacher, well known. I know I’d be spotted. Because I am writing this and ashamedly realizing I am not walking my talk, this weekend when my son is off to his father’s I will be dining alone for the first time. I suspect, just like going to the theater by myself, it won’t be a big deal and will get easier with each experience. (Update – I went to a pancake house and my waitress would not leave me alone. It wasn’t much fun. I realized I eat out for the company, not the food.)
Try what you can on this list. I doubt I will ever sing karaoke in front of an audience, but perhaps you have the vocals that would not shame your family as would mine. I was gonged off the stage in college for my attempt at Tiny Bubbles and I don’t want to repeat that experience (although I’ve never forgotten it). Work small and move forward. What do you have to lose? I’ll tell you what - time and an opportunity for growth - that’s what. Push yourself beyond what you’ve ever imagined and as Emerson said, ‘Dare to have lived the life you have dreamed for yourself.’
Here are the challenges. Do at least two this year.
□ Movie theater alone
□ Lunch alone
□ Dinner alone
□ Flirt
□ Talk to a stranger
□ Ask a man on a date
□ Volunteer for some crazy activity
□ Go to a bar alone
□ Go on a trip ALONE
□ Go to live theater alone
□ Go to a concert alone
□ $20 a week on groceries – can you do it?
□ Sing karaoke
□ White water raft
□ Enter a competition
□ Become like the ‘Yes Man’ and say ‘yes’ to life
□ Wear something bazaar
□ Stand up comedy
□ Ride a mechanical bull – admittedly a little strange to do without a friend
□ Speed date
□ Meet 6 new friends
□ Go on a flash mob
□ Public speak
□ Smoke a cigar
□ Motorbike
□ Hot-air balloon
□ Date an older man
□ Date a younger man
□ Sing in a choir
□ Draw ‘good’ attention to yourself
□ Dare to talk to a stranger every time you go out
□ Do something every month that makes the masses talk – just for fun (
"When we get out of the glass bottles of our ego,
and when we escape like squirrels turning in the
cages of our personality
and get into the forests again,
we shall shiver with cold and fright
but things will happen to us
so that we don't know ourselves.
Cool, unlying life will rush in,
and passion will make our bodies taut with power,
we shall stamp our feet with new power
and old things will fall down,
we shall laugh, and institutions will curl up like
burnt paper."
— D.H. Lawrence
47.Lighten up, people of the world! Have you noticed how angry people are? It seems we’re always wanting things to go our way and when life doesn’t cooperate we react. Scowls, attitudes, and self-centeredness rule the lives of an awful lot of people. With their ‘in our face attitude’ they let us know we are not measuring up to their expectations. It seems nearly everyone I know is trying to control every detail of their lives, including me. The ex, the boss, my colleagues, friends, parents, and committees, even the guy on the road who doesn’t like my driving. It sometimes seems, though not necessarily true, everyone I know thinks they can have a little piece of me. So I get defensive, then I get angry, and my ‘right back at you’ attitude adds fuel to the fire. We all want to manipulate the world to go our way but if we’d lighten up, just a little, maybe some of the tension caused by this imaginary control would go away. If the boss is a management freak, let him manage his place of business. That doesn’t mean he controls you. You can leave. And don’t go showing him who is in control by staying in spite of you’re unhappiness. If your ex is in charge of money he’s probably going to play games, especially when he’s short of funds. Find a way so you have more control over your security. If you’re the one expecting everyone else to cave in to your demands, lighten up. By now you should know you control very little in your own life, so there’s no need to think you can control somebody else’s. Know what’s important. The silly games at work? Not so much. The well-being of your family? That’s what matters.
48. Remember the child within. When life gets hard, and you can’t find a way to get beyond your lows, remember that little girl who is still a part of you after all these years. Comfort her. When you’re angry, console her. Treat her with respect and love her through her troubles. Put a picture of yourself, as a child, in your room. Remember who she is. Even though she looks different, she’s still there and still a part of you. She needs love, comfort, companionship, hope, and dreams. Give her what she needs. Mother her and console her as you remember how she suffered through the years. How would you have helped her had you been her mother? You know her better than her own mother did so mother her now. Discipline her, sympathize with her, be firm with her and expect no less of her than you expect of your own children. The body looks different, the mind has grown up, but that little girl is still there never aging, never changing. Mother her like she is one of your own. She is.
49. When given a choice, choose the unfamiliar. Roy Blitzer said, ‘The only person who likes change is a wet baby.’ If you’re alive, change is going to happen. We can’t be ready for it because we can’t predict when or what will happen. You can however, live your life doing small things that cause discomfort to strengthen your adaptive skills. I know you don’t want to do this. We all choose the familiar whenever possible, but with practice trying something new gets easier with time. Instead of going for the well-worn path, knowing the route, the plan, and the expectations try the unbeaten one so not to miss out on good things that might be waiting for you. Simple challenges to start with will help you grow. Use the money tube at the drive-through teller rather than wait in line for the familiar contact with the clerk. Try the self-serve check-out rather than the line with the cashier. Each time you attempt something new you learn and grow as you build resistance to anxiety caused by change. I fixed my lawn mower belt, a task I put off because the thought of changing it caused me worry. With the proper tools, it was an easy undertaking. I learned, I grew, and I can do it again if necessary without fear. Every time you have a choice, choose the thing that is less familiar.
Plan
Plan
“First comes thought; then organization of that thought, into ideas and plans; then transformation of those plans into reality. The beginning, as you will observe, is in your imagination.”
- Napoleon Hill
I’m living my life from here on out with an awareness that time is slipping away. Psychiatrist and author, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross said, ‘It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth – and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.’ I suppose it’s natural when we’re younger not to think so much about time running out. We don’t consider how our looks will fade, or how life continues to change. Then one day we wake up with what seems like more wrinkles than an adorable SharPei pup and a life that was nothing we planned. What plan? Was there ever a plan? Now that the first half of my life is over I can clearly see I didn’t have one. Whatever anyone wanted to do, I was more than happy to go along for the ride.
I’m running out of time. If I’m really lucky, with the advances of science, I’ve got a hundred good years left. If I’m blessed, I’ve got about thirty. You and I both know those years will be gone in the blink of an eye and without a plan each day passes by while life stays the same going nowhere. It amazes me how people live their lives, myself included, as if we have all the time in the world. We’ve grown comfortable with sticking to the familiar, the same old, same old, rather than face the risk of spreading our wings and flying into the great unknown. The youngsters, it’s their job to start anew not ours. We should be relaxing by now, enjoying the fruits of our labors, but here we are, you and me, beginning again without the naïve freshness we once had and like it or not, this time we’re in the driver’s seat, back at the starting gate, going this stint of the journey alone.
Thomas Moore said, ‘Aging forces us to decide what is important in life.’ What is important to you? If you’re like me, it was the husband, the kids, the friends, and the home - those were my reasons for living. Now the husband is gone, the kids are moving leaving, what I consider a friend I don’t have, and the house is falling apart at the seams. Author, Norman Cousins said, ‘Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.’ I have no choice. I have to start again. I am not about to die while I’m still living. That’s going to have to wait for another time.
So where do we begin? What is it about our lives we must improve? Our happiness? Our purpose? Our spirit? Or maybe we need to shed a few pounds? Do we need makeovers? More money? A better job? Or even a smaller, more manageable home? Must we improve everything since that snake in our game sent us back to the start. Persevere and keep your eyes out for ladders, they’re near if we’re looking and lucky. We can’t do everything we want. We’re alone with little support but we surely can do something each week to make our lives more fun. Everything we do, if we’re being pro-active, will lead us toward a win.
So let’s decide what’s important? What do you want to achieve? How are you going to get there and what kind of deadlines will you follow? Stephen Covey, in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, tells us to begin with the end in mind. What is the legacy you’d leave if, God forbid, you died today? Is it the one you want? The clock is ticking. What do you need to do?
Consider if you really had a hundred good years left, all the time in the world, what would you change about your life? Are you procrastinating and in so doing giving your life away to – nothing - when in fact, you should be living those hundred years in the thirty you hopefully have left? If you would move from your town in a hundred years, does that mean you should leave before the thirty you hope to have, have passed you by?
If you’re sad and downtrodden maybe an attitude adjustment is what you need. Shouldn’t you be happy wherever you are, no matter what the conditions? Then when you are, when you’ve tamed the crazy wild emotions that have filled you since divorce, isn’t that the time to leave so you don’t take that negativity with you? If you had today, just this one, what would you do? Grump and moan, or love and forgive? From the book of Proverbs and a slap across my face I share with you this quote that humbles me. ‘He who fails to plan, plans to fail.’ So plan.
Make plans for every facet of your life including - before everything else - your purpose. Why do you suppose you are here? What can you do in this lifetime to warrant your place on this Earth? Will you protect our land, the bumbly bees, or the beautiful, vulnerable polar bears? Will you care for our seniors or teenagers, so many who are desperately lonesome and afraid? Can you use your past to help someone else, or are you here to build up your friends while pushing them places they never before considered? Is it your mission to help one solitary soul or to help hundreds through volunteering? This is the big stuff. It won’t make you rich, it won’t buy you pretty things, but your purpose, your reason for being, must be found and included on your daily, yearly, and decadal list of things to do.
Get busy making an impossible inventory of plans and schemes you never before imagined. Plan to be good. Plan to be kind knowing there will be days you stumble. Plan to visit and call upon those who need a hand. Put them on your ‘to-do’ list. Those folks who have been with you through thick and through thin, do what you can to make their lives better. Every day there are opportunities galore to spread goodness. Compliments? Why not? What an easy way to make somebody’s day. I rarely get compliments. I used to get a lot. Not so much any more. Now, when someone sings my praises I record what was said in my journal. I remember running my shopping cart into a lady at the grocery store. She told me I have ‘Nice eyes. Not those ‘go-to-hell-eyes’ like so many.’ That was years ago and I still remember. What power she had in her words. I felt good all day with my ‘nice’ eyes. Put it on your list to spread compliments.
Last night I saw Nicky, a friend of my boys, whom I hadn’t seen in years. He gave me the world’s biggest hug and asked how I was doing. I was taken aback by his enthusiasm and overcome by his kindness. I came home, turned on SNL, and watched Justin Timberlake as he hosted the program. What a cool guy that JT. Mamas love him. Kids love him. Everybody loves him. He’s got it going on and is overflowing with charisma. Both of these young men, Nicky and Justin, got me thinking. I wondered what they have that so many others lack. I’m not sure, but I think they are head over heels in love with life and they aren’t afraid to show it. I doubt either of them thought for a minute, ‘What if they don’t like me?’ or ‘What if I’m not good enough?’ But we do, don’t we? It’s hard sometime to let go of our past and think that others will care when the ones we loved the most didn’t. Change is needed, a change in our attitude, if this is what we think.
When my sister and I were growing up we fought constantly. We shared a bed complete with the infamous, invisible line down the middle that neither of us was permitted to cross. If we did, a slug in the gut was a gimme. Different as night and day, she the tomboy, and me the partying rocker chick, we never, ever, ever got along. As time moved forward off to college we went. Although we attended different universities we traveled to the city together. During these trips we noticed the strangest thing happening. As we drove out our lane and onto the highway, we became the best of friends. The second we turned back onto our road, upon returning home for the weekend, we started fighting like we did when we were kids. We were conditioned to behave in a dysfunctional manner though our new relationship was very different from the one we once had lived.
Have you been conditioned, in your present life, to be a person you no longer are? I’ve lived twelve of my fourteen years in America fighting. I rarely fought before, but here I fought two husbands, many friends, and nearly ever single colleague. I hate being on the defense and I don’t like the negativity that has become a part of my life since I’ve moved to this country. It defines me in a way that is not true to who I am. I will not continue living my life in this unconstructive role. I have my plan. I’m working at change. How about you?
Aim for twenty-five years, or how many you expect to be around, then put on paper those things you must achieve before your show is over. Are you ever going to see the Taj Mahal? (Atlantic City or the original?) Will you ride a hot-air balloon or be a lay preacher in your church? Are you going to write that book that’s been whispering in your head? Or produce a documentary about unsung heroes in your town? Will you try a facial, a pedicure, a massage, or perhaps a new style of clothing? Are you going to get your money right so you don’t have to worry about rent, insurance or groceries, let alone retirement? Are you doing your part to make this world a better place for those who are here and for those yet to follow? Are you going to find your purpose to prove you really did matter to someone, and that your life accounted for something after all? Has someone’s life been made easier because of you? Or are you the cause of their difficult existence? Ouch. Think about it. Wouldn’t you rather be you, one who has struggled, than him, the cause of someone’s difficult life?
When I create, I get inspired by the work of others. If you can, find a group of women and men who are determined to make the most out of life. I know this is hard. I’ve tried several times to start such a group and I have yet to find insatiable men and women who are hungry for a life like I want. Now I look elsewhere for my muse. If you can’t find an inspiring group of ravenous friends, learn from those you can admire from afar. I’m learning lots from Edison, DaVinci, and Gandhi and there is so much more I have to learn. From their graves they motivate me to do better. Edison said, ‘I have got so much to do and life is so short, I am going to hustle.’ I hustle all the time now. Sharing goals, once you have them, can be easy. Identifying them, that can be hard.
Get on-line and download freebie calendar sheets to get you started. Find a huge piece of butcher paper and hang it on the wall. Write down ideas that spark your interest, then get busy. Start with the easy things. Work at improving the areas of your life presented in this book: soul, esteem, hero, family, brain, body, home, work, and also how you will conquer your fears. Plan for fun as well by including creative living, travel, mystery, exploration, food, senses, hobbies, entertainment, appearances, journaling, and who you want to be. Pretend you’re back in school and your assignment is to design for yourself the most amazing, wonderful, exciting, beautiful life.
Consider your purpose. Are you here to love others? To conquer yourself? Or both? How are you going to give back to this world? Think of your blessings, your intellect, your choices, then chart ways you can give meaning to your life. Give yourself deadlines but don’t freak out if you miss them. Lao Tzu reminds us, ‘A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.’ Balance, we need balance. This trip is to be filled with richness not chalked full to the brim of one activity followed by the next at the expense of being a good, kind, peaceful, happy person.
Decide what you must do before your twenty-five years are over then break these goals into five year increments, and one year goals. Go even further and separate those objectives into monthly possibilities. Think of the things you really want out of life and exploit the hand you’ve been dealt. Doing a little bit each day brings you closer than you can imagine. Choose from the suggestions I’ve presented then get active. You might not fancy some of my ideas but make an effort anyway. You could be surprised by what brings you pleasure. Schedule daily practice for the feat you want to master. I want to be a painter, a writer, and in the back of my mind for some reason I keep hearing run in a marathon, though I haven’t figured out why. That voice has never been silenced, nor has the one that says I must spread hope.
While writing this book, I started forming my goals for next year. I got out my calendar and as I began filling my days I realized I was loading it with things to do and not strategizing a mission or building a life plan to be created. Putting my goals on paper forced me to see that I was looking at only the icing. To get to the good stuff, the real stuff, I had to dig deeper. I have reflected, I have quieted my mind, and I am waiting for the ideas from space to form, and I can feel them budding. I am on a path, unfamiliar to me, but I am marching forward while maintaining a belief that because I am active doors will begin to open to a brand new life that finally works for me.
I know time flies. I know by the end of the work day there is not much energy left for planning, but you have to use your time to change your life if life is not bringing you the joy you long to live. I treat my evenings as a second job, and I write from seven until ten. I am determined to finish this book, and as long as I have a child at home, I will work in a way that keeps me here for him while I strive to develop a talent I am pursuing. My kids no longer need my constant attention, but even if yours do, use those long lonely weekends to start on a project called your life. Life deserves your attention. Don’t plan for tomorrow. Plan for a year from now. Even if you stray from your path, at least you’ll have one to get back on when you get distracted and fall.
Our lives, yours and mine, have changed from the ones we had planned. This surely isn’t the life we anticipated that day, or as in my case – days, we said ‘I do’. Although this change has caused much anxiety it can be a very good thing. I’d much rather be alone building my life than married to either of the guys with whom I so willingly gave my hand. I was a token to them both, not valued by either. My life plans didn’t matter to either of them at all. But I matter, dad gum it, if only to myself, and so do you. Rather than feeling lost without the man you love, think now instead of all the fun that is in store for you as you get out and build a life unique and true for you.
I know you’re unsure of what direction you want to take but try all kinds of things and be in good spirit as you force yourself to bounce back from life’s disappointments. Change is upon you, so adapt and thrive. Don’t ever worry again if you’re good enough for anyone. This book may be rejected a thousand times over, but at least I’m writing and as I write, I think of new things, and new possibilities for my life. Get busy, start planning, and finally, even though it’s half time, start living. This life is the best gift you’ll ever have. You don’t need the pretty things, the fancy cars, and the big old house. You’ve got all you need right now to be happy. Embrace life and love it as much as you can. Forget about your past that left you broken-hearted. It’s gone, it’s over and now ahead of you is a new world waiting to be discovered. You’ve got to get busy though. This takes work, introspection, dedication, and a well-formulated plan to get you living the life that is yours and like no other.
My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends –
It gives a lovely light!
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
Recap/To Do:
What is your legacy?
He who fails to plan, plans to fail. – Proverbs
Plan to be good
Create and plan your purpose
Make impossible schemes and create insane tactics
Start a 25-year ‘to-do’ list
Break the list down until you get to daily goals
Find You…rather instead…Make you!
Build a support group.
If you can’t find/make a support group, learn from your heroes
It doesn’t matter if you fail, it matters if you try.
Identifying your goals is the hard part.
The trip toward your goals, once you’ve made them – that’s what it’s all about
Use big calendars and plot your path from everything to what dinners you’ll eat to what you’re going to do for fun.
It’s not a big deal if you don’t get to do everything on your list. Use it as a foundation for building your life and change it as often as necessary.
Use big sheets of paper to brainstorm your goals.
Use the scientific method to solve your problems
Plan for practice…every day.
Plan to keep in touch with those who matter the most.
Plan for a year from now. What do you have to have done before the year is finished.
Make your life a mission, not one of chores to be finished by the end of the day.
Build a life you can be proud to have lived.
Who, from your list of most favorite people, will you focus on for the months ahead? How?
Who will you make something special for, in the year ahead?
If you had today, and that’s it, what would you do?
You might have today, and that’s it. Do it!
How much money are you going to save each month?
How much weight do you have to lose?
How far can you bend over without it hurting?
Do one special thing, every week for a year.
Have a makeover.
Listen to that wee, small voice, and practice what it’s telling you. I don’t want to run a marathon but that voice has never been silenced…apparently, it’s the one in Boston I have to jog
Choose at least two things from each category in this book and do them
Weekly menus
Books to read, shows to see, festivals to partake in
Parties
Dates
Dining out
Celebrate
Helping the planet and those who live here
50. Being nice for the sake of the kids. Kudos to the parents who get along for the sake of their children. Making the most of a bad situation, to protect the kids from dysfunction, is the best thing all parents can do. Making the most is different for every divorced family. Maybe spending holidays and celebrations together works for you. Maybe the best you can give, like me, is communication via email. It’s not good. It’s hardly the best way to show our children their parents are mature, responsible people but it’s the most I can give. My marriage, from the moment we said ‘I do’ was based on lies and deception. That’s not a big deal any more, but believe it or not, our relationship, one that was once benign, but unloving, became incredibly toxic after divorce. In the early years after separation I tried to be mature following the advice of the ‘experts’ but I couldn’t do it. Over time we grew frighteningly venomous toward one another, both of us blaming the other for the divorce. We rarely fought as marrieds, but the hate was lethal in divorce. The best I can do is support my children in building good relationships with their dad. Until this summer, when my youngest had surgery, it had been nearly eight years since I uttered a word to my ex. I know others judge us for what seems to be immaturity but they have no idea. There is something very dark between the two of us, too sinister to ever allow a relationship. It’s not about revenge, it’s not about hoping for disaster. It’s not childish. It’s evil. It’s fear. Others are going to judge. Remember, they’re the experts on how we should live our lives. Do not worry about what they say if you know you are doing your best.
51. People are complicated. Here I write sharing lessons I’ve learned about betrayal and survival. My experiences taught me a lot and in sharing what I’ve learned I want to comfort those who follow a path similar to the one I traveled. That doesn’t mean my lessons will provide reassurance for everyone, or anyone for that matter. I hope they can, but like our fingerprints, toe prints, and lip prints, our experiences and our personalities are as different as the faces we wear, so it’s hard to know how others will respond. What worked for me might be completely useless to someone else. We’re enigmas, most difficult to understand, but understanding is something I crave. When my husbands left, I needed to know what kind of person could leave our life together without a single care for my well-being. I’m a good woman and I was a good wife but when they decided it was over, it was. Case closed. There was no discussion, their decision made, the deed done, and out the door they went, forever. Both were cruel and I wanted answers. I couldn’t get either to respond so I read. First, about homosexuality: what caused it? Could it be reversed? And why in the world did I marry a gay man? When the second husband left, I needed to know what kind of man would dump his wife in an e-mail. I read, I researched, I studied. I spent days, weeks, months trying to understand these selfish men wasting my time at a futile task. I now realize it didn’t help me in the least to put labels on the men who hurt me. All I needed to realize is that they treated me badly in their exits and that was enough reason to close the door forever. I didn’t need to know why they left. I needed to know I deserved better than either of them gave. Consider what your husband did, how he left then decide for yourself whether he had your best interests at heart. If he didn’t, and he probably didn’t, that should be enough to close that door forever. Don’t worry about him. He’s no longer your problem. Thank the Lord.
This is the true joy in life,
The being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one;
The being a force of nature instead
Of a feverish selfish clod of ailments and grievances
Complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community
And as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can.
I want to be thoroughly used up when I die,
For the harder I work, the more I live.
I rejoice in life for its own sake.
Life is no 'brief candle' to me.
It is sort of a splendid torch which I have a hold of for the moment,
And I want to make it burn as brightly as possible
Before handing it over to future generations.
- George Bernard Shaw
DAY 1
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Practice mindful breathing. Many of us wake with a heavy heart. If you do, take time to breathe in and breathe out. Enjoy the peacefulness that comes simply from breathing. Then get up knowing you’ve got a life to create. |You are who you believe yourself to be. Believe you are happy and maybe for one minute you’ll be happy. Keep practicing. Force a smile even if you don’t want to smile. |Find a container and start collecting used paper. Recycle it. If you can’t find a recycle dumpster, check your local schools. |Tell your kids that you are becoming proactive. Tell them things are going to change and invite them to join you in the fun. Make Oreo Truffles, just for fun! |Buy a composition book to record your thoughts, dreams, plans, hopes, discoveries, and ideas. Be selfish, for once, without neglecting your responsibilities. This is your responsibility. |Walk one mile. Time yourself.
Record your time in your journal. |Set a timer for five minutes. Get the crew together and start cleaning.
On your mark. Get set. GO! |Write a song about work. You have five days to create it. Have fun pretending to be a writer for the stars. Picture it becoming a number one hit. Remember ‘Take this Job and Shove It’ or ‘Working Nine to Five’? |Talk to a stranger today. If you haven’t met one, go find one and say ‘Hello’. If this makes you uncomfortable, do it again and again. Fight your fear of rejection. Be kind, and personable. |Download a calendar. Choose a book to read, a hero to study, an evening of board games with the kids, an on-line course to take, a walk, a treat for work, and get out there doing something that makes you anxious. | |/DAY 2
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Pray for the strangers you meet.
Write in your journal the thoughts you had for those with which you prayed.
|All day long remember the little girl who one lives within. She’s a good little girl, isn’t she? She’s still there and needs your love. |Without thinking, try to help as many people as you can today. Make it a game with your kids. Don’t be a martyr or a miser with your goodness. It’s hard to give in a world where folks are always wanting to take. Choose wisely those you wish to help. |Secretively bowl a string with one of your children. Take a picture and hide it in your journal. |Enjoy the work of Clarence Sinclair Bull.
Print off your favorite pictures and keep them in your journal.
Check out his portraits of Greta Garbo.
|Do the ‘half-moon’ yoga pose. |House-Cleaning Olympics.
Set the timer and GO! Record your results in your journal.
|Use the crazies at work as lessons on self-control. Do not react, do not blame. Own it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It can be hard. I know. |Flirt – just for fun w/o fear of repercussion, w/o fear of leading him on, w/o fear that he’s going to shun you, w/o fear of having to marry him. Be yourself and have fun. |Brainstorm the things you would LOVE to do before the final curtain falls. Add to this list often. Set your timer for 15 minutes, number your paper to 100 and WRITE! | |DAY 3
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Stop for thirty minutes. Do nothing. Absolutely nothing. You might hear things you cannot hear in the chaos of daily living. |When your self-talk beats you up, stop yourself immediately. If your ‘self’ is right about who you’ve become, fix it. Be accountable but don’t be abusive. No one is perfect, and that in itself is perfection |Watch Amelie. This is a really nice, feel good movie. There are subtitles but it’s so worth the effort. You’ll also learn the origin of the Travelocity Gnome. You will see sweetness still in the world. |Read, read, read, read! Read The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein |Email CNN and give your opinion on the question of the day. Think through your answer. Know your true beliefs. Be succinct, clever, and witty in your response.
Maybe your view will be aired. Just do it. |Check out and download a running/walking schedule.
The days go by so fast it won’t be long before you get that ½ marathon finished.
Running is optional. Moving is a must. |1 hour/rotten chore.
Set your timer for an hour.
Work no more, no less than one hour on a rotten chore.
- basement
- kids’ room
- closet
-pantry |What are your gifts?
How can you bring your talents to your job?
Attitude is a biggie.
Does yours need changing? Are you caught in a rut? Back door? |If the kids are off to dad’s, go to dinner by yourself.
If the kids are home, invite at least one to join you outside as you watch a spider spin its web. If web gets destroyed, the spider keeps on working. You must persevere. |Plan your menus for the month.
Get on-line.
Print off recipes.
Make weekly menus.
Staple, hole punch, and store in a binder. | |DAY 4
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Read the Serenity Prayer and remember it throughout the day.
Put a copy of it in your journal. |Ask yourself if you are doing your part to make the world a better place. What else can you do? Give something to someone in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening. It doesn’t have to cost a penny. |Get a jar and start saving pennies to adopt a polar bear. Get your kids involved. Have them collect decorate a label for the jar. |Take pictures of your kids all day long - ALL day long. Give them privacy but keep snapping. Make a montage of a ‘Day in the life of…” |Research what others consider the ten most beautiful cities in the world.
Put in your journal those you’d love to see. |Get outside. Fifteen minutes is better than nothing. Look at nature. Look at the grass, the moon, the bugs, the clouds, and enjoy our simple, yet complex world. |1 hour/rotten chore.
GO!!! |Hold the door, help carry the load, allow someone else the last cup of coffee. Do what you can to make life at work more enjoyable.
|Stand up for yourself at least once today and see that the world will still moves. Don’t whine, don’t defend. State your case and be done with it. If they don’t like your opinion, so what?. |Buy a good journal. An artist’s sketch pad, a scrapbook, a fancy journal. This will be your final copy. The composition is the rough draft. | |DAY 5
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Reread the Serenity Prayer.
What are the things in your life you can change. What are the things you cannot?
You cannot change him. You might be able to change yourself. |Spoil yourself rotten and take a long, hot bath. Be grateful for all of your blessings. Take this bath at midnight if you must, but take it just the same. Be the princess in your day at least once. |Reduce, reuse, recycle. Make it a point to shut out the lights, turn of the TVs, shut off the tap. Do your part to lighten your carbon footprint. |Pajama Run.
Take a picture. |Sign up for a first aid or CPR course. Every mama needs to know. |Walk the mall for at least one mile. |1 hour/rotten chore. That’s three hours. You’re getting closer. Only three more hours to go. |Know exactly what you want from your job. Be the best you can be at whatever the good Lord called you to do. If you are a cashier, be the best you can be. If you are a lawyer, be the best lawyer you can be. |Say ‘YES’ to all that is asked of you today.
Notice how often you want to say ‘no’. |In 5 years, where will you be? In five years, what will you have accomplished?
What changes do you need to make today? | |
DAY 6
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Send a card to a long-time friend. |Be your very own BFF. It’s really fun getting to know yourself. Spend time answering the questions in this book. |Hide $5 in your child’s backpack. If $5 is too much, hide $1. If $1 is too much, save until you can give them a chance to buy a snack at school. |What heirlooms do you want to pass onward to future generations?
Glassware?
Silverware?
Jewelry?
Photos? |Watch a History Channel TV program. |Do the ‘Half Lord of the Fishes’ yoga pose. |Pay your bills. Check your accounts. Figure out how to save 10% from each pay check. |Your work song is due!
Sing it all day long. Sing it loudly, or secretively hum your little secret. |Go out on a limb and try a new to you outfit. Let the masses chuckle if necessary. |Who will you honor this year? How can you show them you care? When I was worried about $$, my sis helped me out. I wanted to show her how grateful I was. I made her a big old quilt. | |
DAY 7
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Stay in the NOW all day long. No complaining about the past. No worrying about the future. Right here, right now is all that matters. If you goof, forgive yourself and move onward. |During job interviews, potential bosses want to know our strengths. What are five of yours? What are five areas you must improve. Admit the flaws, face the flaws, and do what you can to fix them. Fun! |Email a friend just to say ‘Hi’.
Ask about them.
Share fun stories and be uplifting. No venting allowed. |Have a candle light dinner with your kids even if all you’re serving are nuggets. Dress fancy just for fun. |What is your favorite plant? Is it an easy one to grow? Learn about it, and grow as many as you can. Life is a miracle and while you tend to your favorite plants, you’ll notice the miracle more often. |Go for a bike ride.
OR
Follow your running schedule. |Work thirty minutes in a room. Go fast and get er done. |Take pictures of your colleagues. Use them as funny, non-offensive, uplifting motivators. If you work with grumps and they’re not amused, don’t force your ideals upon them. Find another way to be content at work. |Face one of those daily fears.
In a year, will you have conquered it, or will you still be struggling. It’s up to you. |We all need someone to love even if it’s not our knight in shining armor. Who will you love? Kids, friends, family, a dog?
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DAY 8
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Today, give something to everyone with whom you come in contact.
A smile.
A compliment.
A flower.
A hug. |Pamper your feet. Give yourself a much needed foot soak. You don’t need a $20 pedicure. A good workout of your own will do just fine. |Watch I am Sam while pampering your feet. |Charades |Wiki:
Aung San Suu Kyi
How could she inspire you? |Get outside and play catch with your child. |Pick a closet, any closet and give your all for 30 minutes. |Identify something measurable that needs changed.
Must you be:
faster, more creative, more effective, more cohesive?
Write down your plan. |Get in the car, the bus, the subway, and go somewhere new just to do something different.
Find a new to you coffee shop and have a cup o tea. |Follow the American Food Guide Pyramid. | |DAY 9
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Pray for the ex. Don’t make excuses for him. Don’t belittle his character. Pray for and wish him well. It’s not easy, but you must get him out of your heart. When you know you’ll be okay, this will be easier to do. |Focus on your insides today. Celebrate the goodness you have in your heart. It’s there. Remind yourself all day that you are a good woman and then become her. |Pick a hero from the list I’ve given and learn what you can. Maybe he or she will inspire you to step out of your box. |Have an art or coloring contest with your kids.. |Take an on-line handwriting analysis course just for fun. In hindsight, had I known, I would never have married Hubby Number 2. OMG, his hand-writing spoke volumes. |Do the ‘Yoga’ cat pose. |Household Olympics.
Record your time. |Write a cartoon about work. If you can’t draw, use stick people. Don’t share with others. Someone will still be offended that you’ve made them too fat even if they are a stick. |Have one foot out the door…ALWAYS.
Rewrite your resume. Have a plan on the back burner.
Improve your skills and find for yourself brand new opportunities. |Plan a gathering.
Pick a holiday, a friend to celebrate, or decide to have a ‘just b/c life is great’ party. Host an event. Plan it first. | |
DAY 10
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |If the kids are off to Pop’s, take a vow of silence for the weekend. If the kids are home, see who can stay quiet the longest. |Buy something pretty for yourself. Nobody else is going to buy it. You’ve got to take care of you. |Count the pennies in your polar bear fund. Find more. Encourage friends on facebook to collect pennies as well. Learn what you can about the plight of these wonderful beasts. |Make cookies and share with a neighbor. |Join facebook.
Make your facebook site meaningful.
Give it purpose. |Go line-dancing just so you know how.
You don’t need a partner to line-dance. |Look up your FICO score. |Invite a colleague to lunch. |Go out of your way to do something different. Use the money tube at the bank, the self-serve check-out at the store, or learn how to twitter. |Name five things that get you excited about your day and I don’t mean men.
Record the five things in your journal
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DAY 11
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |All day long, ask yourself, ‘How can I serve?’ |Only positive talk today. That means positive self-talk and positive other talk.
When you goof forgive yourself and start all over again.
No more negativity. |Encourage all of your facebook friends to purchase life straws for developing countries. Challenge yourself to get 90% of your friends to donate at least one straw. |Have your kids pose like Clarence Sinclair Bull’s models and then take their pictures. |Know the symptoms of depression. Seek help should you need it. There is no point wasting so much time stuck in the mire. |Target practice with something. Use a BB gun, bow and arrow, golf club and ball at the driving range, or water balloons against your kids. |Challenge your kids to see who can get their dressers cleaned fastest. Mama has to approve and Mama is part of the challenge. |Listen. Don’t defend. Don’t give your two cents. Don’t agree or disagree. Listen. That’s all. |Skinny dip. I don’t care how big you are, how floppy you are, how skinny you are, how pale you are. Everyone needs to skinny dip at least once! |Go to and create for yourself a mission statement. | |DAY 12
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Quiet your mind and think of every single person with whom you are angry. It may surprise you. Accept it and get beyond it. |Focus on your outside today. Get all dolled up, feel pretty, and take care of business even if taking care of business means cleaning the toilet. Pamper your feminine side. |Pick out something very pretty to give to a special child. Such a simple gift can leave a life-lasting impression. |If possible, secretly take one of your children to breakfast. Take a picture and hide it in your journal.
If you can’t take just one child take them all. Challenge them to pick the cheapest meal on the menu. |Create a book of favorite quotes. Keep a stick um handing when reading so you can collect those thoughts that speak to you directly. |Jump rope. Put on that sports bra and jump!
OR
Train for your ½ marathon. |1 toy give away day. Everyone, including Mom, has to pick something to give to Goodwill. |Cartoon is due.
Put it in your journal.
Don’t share with your colleagues.
|Make a budget.
Follow it.
|What prize do you seek?
Peace?
Happiness?
Friendship?
Love?
Purpose?
Spirituality?
Kindness?
Money?
Freedom to choose?
Independence?
Wisdom? | |DAY 13
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Read The Way of the Pilgrim
And practice the Jesus Prayer.
This is an older book and can be found cheaply at second hand bookstores. |Speak up and let your voice be heard. No anger, no cynicism. Just your voice. Calm, cool, and collected. Your voice matters every bit as much as those around you. |Check out Amphibian Ark.
What can you do to help? |Watch Batman and dress the parts of the different characters. |Go to the 400 Words website and include your story. We all have one. Every single one of us. |Find out your real age. Go to |1 Piece of Clothing to Give Away Day
- Everyone, including Mom.
More is better. |Have one foot out – ALWAYS!
Plan your escape. How are you going to get from here to there? Think of this as a game, and you need a strategy to win. |Go to a new to you place. A new church, a new shop, a new restaurant, a new park, a new library, a new theatre. |Plan those big projects your going to see to fruition by the end of five years.
Write a book.
Be an artist. Go to med school.
Open a business.
Start a club. | |
DAY 14
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Look at the face of God in everyone you meet. See God in the grumpy old clerk, the rambunctious neighborhood kid, and in your ex. Look. Look hard. If you cannot find Him, you still have work to do. |When someone tries to put you in your place, think about your behavior. This is about how you manage your response, not how they have treated you. |Check
out ‘Faces
of Hope’ website. Perhaps you can start something similar in your neighborhood or support this site. Look at her goals and objectives for inspiration. |Invite friends over to play a cooking game. |Who was Vlad the Impaler? |Do the ‘Cobra’ yoga pose. |Living Room!
Fluff it, dust it, vacuum it, spray it, air it, shake it, polish it, scrub it, clean it! |Even if you’re surrounded by grumps at work, be happy by yourself. |Never give up. Never, ever, ever give up.
Keep your eye on the prize –
Always!! |Plan to live creatively.
Everyday create something from nothing or imagine how to improve an outdated habit.
Today, create a new way to set the table. A bed sheet tablecloth, vase for cups, pie plates for dinnerware. Be creative! | |
DAY 15
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Relax.
Watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. |Smile! And smile big even if you don’t feel like smiling. I remember crying hard in the shower and forcing myself to smile. Even in the sadness of it all, the smile felt good. |Find a lost to you college friend. Most are probably on Facebook. Go looking. |Send a care package to the troops. |Read about the brain and get smarter. It’s not too late! YIPPEE!! |Do Leslie Sansone’s walking DVD.
I thought this would be silly but it’s a great workout. I put it on fast forward to get a better workout. |Garbage cans.
Dump them, clean them, spray them. |Start a betting pool at work. When is the baby going to be born? How soon before he picks up another cig.? What show is going to win best picture? |Scared to drive in the city? Get a little closer. Find a map, memorize the directions, and go. It gets so much easier with practice. |Cut your grocery bill by 10%. | |
DAY 16
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plans | |Make two prayer baskets. Include cards, stamps, prayers, candles, and a CD. Give one to a friend and keep one for yourself. |Make sure you accomplish one of your goals before the day is finished. No more procrastinating. A winner finishes what she starts. You are a winner, even if you fail at times. |Be a model for other women. Be pro-active, uplifting, classy, and dignified. Be kind and compassionate. If you’re not ready for any of this, sit back, close your mouth, and picture the kind of woman you would admire. Become her. |Blow bubbles. Make exquisite bubbles by making geometric shapes out of pipe cleaners. Make enormous bubbles. Check on-line to see how. |Take the free on-line money management class offered by CNN. |Do you own version of Richard Simmons’ Sweatin to the Oldies. Crank that music and get moving.
Eye on the prize. |Refrigerator. Assign each child one shelf. Get it cleaned. |Don’t worry if others don’t carry their load. You do your job and be happy. |Practice public speaking in front of the mirror, in front of your kids, and then for real in front of the public. |Start saving a dollar a day for a little excitement. If a dollar is too much, save fifty cents. If that’s too much, try a quarter. No one else is going to take care of you. | |
DAY 17
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |If you don’t go to church, watch Joel Osteen on Sunday mornings. Check out his website. |You may be, but I most certainly am not, as beautiful as Angelina. But sometimes I pretend I am and all of a sudden I am. I can’t see what others see, so I imagine myself to be a true beaut and low and behold I become one.
|Stand up for someone who is being devalued. Get that person help if interference only makes things worse. |TGIF
If it’s Friday.
The first one to call TGIF gets to pick out the movie for the evening’s entertainment. |Study the 7 Principles of How to Think Like Leonardo DaVinci by Michael Gelb. Check on-line for resources. |Check that posture.
Shoulders back, chin up, chest out, and calcium in! |Project GET ER DONE
Start a big project. You’ve got 24 hours to finish.
A picture, curtains, floral arrangement, mosaic. It’s not big deal if you miss your deadline but work hard. |If you share music tastes, burn CDs for your colleagues. |Tell a joke… a great joke, in a crowd of folks you do not know. Practice so your timing is impeccable. |Make a mind map to brainstorm troubles. Draw a circle in the middle of the paper, write the problem in the circle then come up with as many ideas as you can consider in five minutes. Include the crazy ideas. Write everything down. | |
DAY 18
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Study a new to you religion, unless this goes against your religion. All religions promote goodness and purposeful living. It doesn’t make you a blasphemous heretic to be educated. |Teach someone something you’re good at. How to host a smorgasbord, recommend a great wine, how to tat, or how to install a shelf. Teach someone one of your many talents. |Fix something that we normally expect a man to fix. |Photo challenge with your child.
Go take as many pictures of all the circles you can find. |The First of Gelb’s DaVinci Principles.
Get curious.
Watch the news, learn about Iran and North Korea. Read about global warming and endangered species.
|Just for fun practice changing your voice. Speak with proper enunciation, and be dramatic as you speak. Imagine yourself on an SNL skit. |15 minutes one job. Time is up. 15 minutes another job.
Time is up.
15 minutes another job.
Time is up.
15 minutes on the last job. Time is up. |Hang up funnies at work. Personalize your workstation.
And if you still can’t get folks to be nice, they’re just not worth hanging out with. Leave. |If you don’t have the kids go to a show all by yourself. |You’ve got one month. What are you going to do?
Make one change. It doesn’t matter what that change is, but make one change
Eye = Prize | |
DAY 19
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Thank the Lord for everything you touch today. Be aware. Be grateful for your blessings. |2nd of Gelb’s DaVinci Principles
How are you going to learn from your mistakes.
I was a gal who would take off in a plane and get married, just for fun. I’ve learned I cannot trust me, more than I cannot trust someone else. What have you learned? |Make and hang a bluebird house |Banana Splits for supper |Check out The Daily Beast newsblog. |Are your jaws too tight? As suggested by Dr. Oz, put a wine cork between your front teeth to help relieve some pressure. If that doesn’t work, drink the wine. |Take the Suze Orman Challenge |Write a book about your job. Keep track of funny stories, interesting ideas, ridiculous comments, etc. Compile these things and before you know it, you’ll have enough material for a great read.
Be a spy. My they should have been more respectful. |Enter a competition. There are a kazillion competitions in this world. Find something you do well and enter one - just for fun. If you can’t find one that suits your needs, organize your own chili cook-off or cheesecake bake-off. |If it’s winter, plan for summer. If its summer, plan for winter. Write, draw, sketch, collect clippings, and downloads in order to become your very own personal organizer.
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DAY 20
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Take a really good look around you. I hope you are awed.
|Get your car washed so you can feel clean! | Buy donuts, and order Girl Scout cookies. Make donations when kids sell things for their school. |Play 7-up, crazy eights, peanut, cheat, old maid. Play cards! |Check out those banned books. Read as many as you can. |Add up how many miles you’ve already run/walked.
You are getting close to that one mile at a time marathon. | | |4th of Gelb’s DaVinci Prinicples –Be brave. Say to yourself, “I can handle the unknown. I am not longer afraid of living my life. I am a traveler on a journey and I can learn to jump the hurdles along the way. | | |
DAY 21
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Pray while cleaning your house. All day long. Pray thanksgiving for what you have. | |Check out |Put all of your names in a hat, including your own. Pull out a name. That person is King or Queen for the day. |5th of Gelb’s DaVinci Principles:
Become a whole-brained thinker. Instead of being convinced you’re either a left or right brained thinker. Know you can be both if you work at it. | | |If you had to leave your job, how would you sell yourself? What are your talents? | | | |
DAY 22
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Compliment everyone you meet. | | |Have a picnic |Go sleuthing. Take your camera, your notebook, and sketchbook. Go out looking for nothing but inspiration. Places to photograph, pictures to paint, gardens to plant. Sketch fashions, copy recipes, photograph decorations.
|6th of Gelb’s DaVinci Principles
Take care of your body.
Here’s an idea:
Go to bed tonight the same day you got up. | | | |How much weight do you want to lift and by when? How far do you want to run and by when?
How white do you want your teeth and by when? | |
DAY 23
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |7th of Gelb’s DaVinci Principles
Recognize an interconnectedness of all things.
| | |Make a family mosaic. |Write a book review on | | | | | | |
DAY 24
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Pay it Forward | | |Read The Elephant’s Child by Rudyard Kipling |Use your purpose to write a blog. | | | | |Make a plan on how to fight the crazies. Instead of worrying about them, imagine yourself a super hero who can rise above the insanity without being a pompous ass.
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DAY 25
Soul |Esteem |Hero |Family |Brain |Body |Home |Work |Fears |Plan | |Put your feet in the shoes of others today.
That includes your pets.
| |Watch Anne of Green Gables | | |Learn the signs of burnout and remember to take care of yourself. | | | | | |
For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Let’s have some fun!!!
Taking Care of Fun
Maybe we can’t always have fun, Ma, but we sure have to try.
- Me
I’m going to be upfront and warn you that after divorce your definition of ‘fun’ is going to change. If your resources have been halved, your friends are few and far between, and you are busy beyond insanity, life is going to be different. Fun with friends is a blast. It thrives on chatter, dares, support, and plans. But here you are alone. No one is inviting you anywhere, no one is ringing you up, and quite frankly, no one is thinking about you. That may be so, but because this is life it’s understandable you want to have a little fun along the way. Just because you’re alone that doesn’t mean you can’t have any.
Many, many, many years ago my husband and I had terrific times. We hosted parties where we laughed, ate, sang, and drank. We entertained our guests while they, adult men and women, danced the hula, or fought over the karaoke machine. We had our share of soccer and kickball parties, cooking competitions, casino nights, murder mysteries, cook-outs, scavenger hunts, and carol singing get-togethers. I had my own post-being-dumped party where we smoked cigars and gave ourselves tattoos, temporary of course. I was forever thinking of the next get-together because I was determined to build a network of people who cared for one another and who would support each other through the thick and the thin of life. Ironic, isn’t it? I spent so much time building friendships and now here I sit almost always alone. I was investing in something as volatile as our economy, not secure at all, when I should have been empowering myself all along.
A long time ago I was a gal who found her zest for life in the company of others. My friends were my drug that kept me on a natural high. It makes sense then that, when they disappeared from my life, I suffered from withdrawal. This hasn’t been easy, this road of change I’ve traveled, but I’m happy to say I’ve finally learned how to have fun by myself. It’s not less satisfying. It’s different, that’s all. Nowadays I hardly ever dance (though I’ve been known to shake my bootie when the feeling hits). I never wear tattoos, and I can’t remember the last time I smoked a stogy. Once upon a time I partied almost every month and at least once a week I socialized in some way with my friends. Now I am alone almost always. I was forced, quite frankly, to find out who I am because when my friends lost interest in our relationship, I have to admit, so did I.
Before I got to the other side of my loneliness I had no fun ever. I was way too dependent on everyone else and I expected them to include me in life. After all, nearly every person I knew had been invited at one time or another to my home for some kind of get-together. But they didn’t call. A handful was all. Of course I am grateful for those who included me, but it was painful to realize that all of my hard work at building friendships was simply work in vain. I didn’t belong any more. Even when I socialized I didn’t fit in with the rest. I felt different, strange. I felt contagious. I didn’t like being the single in a party of couples. Even though I didn’t think I would be treated differently, or would behave in an unusual way, I was and I did. I didn’t want to be odd, so I had to rethink my lot in life and when I did I realized it didn’t matter any more why I wasn’t included. All that mattered, was how I was going to move ahead.
Since I have learned to be happy alone I’ve discovered that fun alone is much better than I had expected. It’s deeper, more spiritual than the fun I used to have with friends. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed the time I spent with friends and if I had the choice I’d prefer a bit of balance. Even so, I’ve grown very content living my life on my own.
Learning about the world, alone, gives me a richness I never experienced with friends. I have become more involved in developing my talents and learning about interests that are spot-on true to me. Fun with others has lost its oomph - I hope because I’m a misfit in my town, but who knows? I am a very different woman than the one I was before divorce.
I know this road to contentment alone is not an easy one. I know there will be times the blues will strong-hold you convincing you that a life alone is the most miserable existence to live. I won’t ever discredit that fear. The blues have been the most powerful force that have ever lived within me – stronger than love by far. I won’t ever make light of their strength. Even so, when you feel panic fast approaching you must stop yourself from listening to the terror that is trying to fill your head. Relax, breathe deeply, and realize just how fast time really flies. Those moments of fear that consume you won’t last forever if you don’t give them a place to take root. Nowadays when I feel the pity bug trying to find a place in my heart – when I look in the mirror and see my youth replaced (so quickly) with a face that’s unfamiliar, or a holiday is approaching and I know I’ll be spending so much time alone - immediately I tell myself, ‘This is a head game only I control,’ and I fight that dragon of self-pity to the ground.
Think back to the days when your home was filled with family and friends. As much fun as it was to anticipate your time together, share stories, and break bread, wasn’t it just as good to see everybody leave? When I used to host parties, about that time (three in the morning) when I’d grown weary and was in need of recharging, all of a sudden that feeling of ‘what fun’ turned into one of frustration. Once the guests left I got my equilibrium back. The same can be said of my marriages. Throughout both of them I was more lonesome than I have ever been alone. Their behaviors were far too confusing, leaving me in constant turmoil as I wondered, all too often, what I was doing wrong. Neither relationship was as good as I wanted to remember when they first left, and in time I’m happy to report again I have regained my equilibrium.
It wasn’t always as good as you want to remember, so when you get antsy, longing for a little company, don’t panic. Remember that those feelings of restlessness, like everything else, are temporary glitches, and let them flow on through you without giving up on having hope for a better day to come. I live in the now as often as I can. When panic starts to set in I stop, and I calm myself down. I then ask myself if we’re okay. I look around and realize everything is good, then I start painting, I draw, or I pastel. It took me a while to figure out that art is my pacifier. I’ve not found anything else that works for me quite as well.
Two nights after Christmas I found myself alone growing restless by the minute. The boys were at their father’s and at a time when I should have been surrounded by family and friends I was alone. The door for a pity party was beginning to creak open. I recognized the feeling and knew I needed to take control. I thought about going shopping, to get out of the house, but because of the big crowds and my small pocket book I knew that wouldn’t be wise. Instead, I made for myself a goal to become a decent artist. I got out my paper and I drew. My night flew by, my practice for the day was a success, and that lonely, edgy feeling slid right on through me.
Have fun on this journey even when ‘fun’ takes on a whole new meaning. Fun happens when you find for yourself a purpose whether that purpose is a story, a painting, a walk in the park, or saving the world from hunger. Having fun, I’ve learned, has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.
Now that I have prefaced this section with a shot of reality I hope you get involved and challenge yourself to experience life in a new way. Don’t listen to any self-talk that tries to tell you the good old days gone. Silence that negativity and be grateful for all you have. I rarely get bored. Many of my friends, those with partners, are often bored. Getting busy with a purpose is the secret to living a happy life.
In this ‘Let’s Have Some Fun’ section I will try to be respectful of limited resources, but part of the process of dreaming is to reach beyond what we already have in order to get more out of life. We may not have the time or resources, but if we want something with all of our heart it’s up to us to make it happen. Bear in mind, like Ma said, ‘We can’t always have fun’ and be okay when disappointments come your way. Hopefully they’ll only be temporary bumps in the road. When I feel self-pity knocking at my heart it’s usually because I am exhausted. No longer do I beat myself up when I find myself down-in-the-dumps, but instead I allow the sadness to find a home for a short while. I welcome the woe-is-me blues as a normal part of living. The blasted little intruders get two hours of my time, including a nap, and when time is up, I get busy and those icky, sad feelings almost always disappear. If they don’t, I keep working until they do. In the early days of divorce, two hours would never have been enough. Try two years.
Recently I read an article written by a marriage counselor who advises her clients to take no more than three days to get over their estranged partner. Her advice, I think, is a tad bit Pollyanna. If you’re over your husband in three days it’s probably safe to say you weren’t heavily invested in the relationship. It would take longer than three days to get over your man had he died while loving you. Your guy chose to leave and although I don’t know for certain, I think that’s a harsher reality because those feelings of inadequacy, and disappointment (which, by the way, have nothing to do with him) can beat at your soul long after he’s gone. If you have a difficult time finding hope for a better tomorrow, maybe – like me, you’ll realize your sadness has a whole lot less to do with the man and a whole lot more to do with your very own brokenness. Take time to recover, give yourself reasonable deadlines, and in time those doldrums will be leaving, hopefully sooner than later. It’s okay to be sad. It’s not okay to let the sadness destroy you. Love yourself through the heartbreak as you would love that little girl who continues to live within your heart.
In this section, in this ‘Let’s Have Some Fun’ section, our parenting responsibilities are going to take a backseat. For now, even if it’s just a ‘Calgon Moment’ we are footloose and fancy free to find pleasure in this world for ourselves. Don’t feel guilty. No one else is going to take care of you, and you’re every bit as important as the rest. Make sure you take a little time for you to reboot and recharge. The kids are figuratively off to Grandma’s and while they’re away you are going to do what you can to put a little joy back into your life.
I know your kids are the most important people in your life. I get that, but if you want happy well-adjusted children, mama has to have her grown-up time without them. We’re separate people and we can’t expect them to be our only source of entertainment. They don’t deserve to be our babysitters and we’re not old enough to need one. We need our own lives and they need theirs. The kids will be fine without mama, once in a while. Mama needs to learn she’ll be fine without them. Visualize yourself as a teenager babysitting your middle-aged mama. Nuff said, now let’s have some fun!!
‘It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.’
- Walt Disney
52.Just because he left doesn’t mean you’re crazy. I married a gay man, who to this day blames me for our divorce. No matter what I tried I couldn’t make that man happy, so of course I started to believe that the dysfunction in our marriage was my fault. After all, I knew all about dysfunction. I had a hard time loving this man, if love is what you want to call it. But I tried, I really did. I found what I thought to be love if I focused on what the community saw, a good, hard-working man, and a loving father. But our relationship, the one between the two of us, the one our marriage depended on, it wasn’t good. He had no love for me and I had to work far too hard to find any for him. Eight years before he ‘came out’ I had my suspicions about his sexuality. I asked him then if he was gay, and boy oh boy, did he get angry. So I turned my suspicions from him and decided my daddy was right when he used to say, ‘Nobody is ever going to want you.’ Of course I had to carry on the charade so Daddy wouldn’t be right. Then one day, the day of enlightenment, the day of freedom, the day of transition, I found out I was not the one responsible for the obliteration of our marriage and I wasn’t crazy as he led me to believe. I was scared. I knew my life was going to change, but I was so relieved when I realized our lousy marriage wasn’t my fault. I’m not dissing the ex. I couldn’t save my second marriage either, the one where love was easier to give. He had his reasons too, ones I don’t care to know, but that doesn’t mean I am less of a person because of it. Divorce causes us to blame ourselves for our inadequacies and the ex likes to blame us too. How could he possibly live with someone as crazy as us? Most guys will say that. If you have serious issues and weren’t a partner who was willing to compromise, maybe you have areas that need worked on, but nobody is perfect. Don’t believe for a minute, when he’s heading out the door, that he was an innocent caught by your wicked ways now needing an escape to protect himself from your insanity. Hogwash. Sure enough we have issues, but so does he.
53. Use your gifts. – All of us have talents we need to exploit. Most of us won’t. You may be blessed with a gift of vision, able to see something from nothing. maybe you’re a giver unafraid to help those whose lives are bleak, or perhaps you’re a comedian who makes everyone laugh wherever you go. Look at your colleagues, your family, your friendships. What talents are yours, different from all the rest? What makes you special? How do people respond to you? Do they swoon over your flair for fashion or come to you for personal advice? Are you the matriarch who holds the family together, or the devil’s advocate challenging others to look at both sides? Use your gifts. When you’re gone, they’re going with you. Norman Cousins said, ‘ The highest purpose of the human species is to justify the gift of life.’ Make yours count.
Taking Care of the Fun:
Where do we begin?
CREATE
TRAVEL
MYSTERY
EXPLORE
FOOD
FILL YOUR SENSES
HOBBIES/ COLLECTABLES
ENTERTAIN & BE ENTERTAINED
KEEPING UP APPEARANCES
JOURNAL
What kind of woman will you be (this year)?
Create
Create
‘The key question isn't "What fosters creativity?" But it is why in God's name isn't everyone creative? Where was the human potential lost? How was it crippled? I think therefore a good question might be not why do people create? But why do people not create or innovate?’
- Abraham Maslow.
Psychologist, William James said, ‘Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.’ Let’s start believing that what we have is wonderful and convince ourselves that the best is yet to come. We can make life better by using our creative spirit. We all have one (yes, you do), but for some reason lots of us lack confidence in our imaginative potential. I hear way too often those words, ‘I don’t have a creative bone in my body.’ I agree but only because creativity comes from the brain and not the skeletal system. Everyone of us has the potential for ingenuity and resourcefulness and we all have a little MacGyver within. Pablo Picasso hinted at our creativity when he reminded us that, ‘Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist after growing up.’ Many of us stopped using our creative potential, years ago, when we realized in order to belong we had to follow the herd and that herd was all headed toward the very same dream. Now that we’re older, and that dream has fallen apart, let’s start again, this time living life on our terms. We don’t have to follow that mass-marketed vision any more.
Like everything else that has to do with our brain, the more we use it, the better it gets. The more we read, the better reader we will become. The more we stitch, the same. If we practice the piano on a daily basis of course we’re going to get better. And those of us who focus daily on building a creative existence will grow more interesting for certain. Those who don’t, won’t. It’s as straightforward as that. When we give up and stop using our creativity we rob from ourselves an essential layer that allows us to be truly happy people.
Picture yourself back in the days before divorce cooking a huge meal for your extended family. The turkey is roasted to perfection, moist and delicious with a golden brown coating that boasts of your success. The side dishes are faultless and the apple crumble pie is to die for. Everyone is pleased and it’s your creation so you get the glory. You worked hard for the success, and it was more than you had hoped to achieve. You created. And didn’t it feel good?
We all have a need, and an ability to craft, construct, produce, develop, and to see things that have never before been seen. Although the aptitude is there, we don’t use it. We’re too busy. We’ve grown pre-occupied and in the meantime we’ve forgotten that creative itch that is buried. We’re running here, there and everywhere then, because of lack of use, the ability to pin-point our ideas that run through the maze of our mind, withers away and no apparent vision is revealed. There is no clear path for our ideas to exit because the dendrites - the nerves in our brain - from the creative/imaginative area, haven’t been used in years. When we try to create a new life for ourselves, we discover roadblocks in every direction leaving us confused and unknowing of which path we should take. The highway of our mind is under construction and until we repair it those ideas will never be revealed. There has to be a better way and a creative person would find one. You’re creative. Go find one.
A great exercise to trigger creativity is to take two unrelated objects then combine them in a way that makes something useful and new. Off the top of my head I think of an orange and a hanger. A hanger could be used to dry orange slices for potpourri, or as decorative affects for a wreath. The hanger could be the wreath. Target practice would also work. Kyle MacDonald, a Canadian blogger, traded one red paper clip upward to get a house. Imagine! Practice combining seemingly unrelated objects in ways that can be used together. This kind of exercise will help mend the broken dendrite highway in your brain. Once you get creative in your thinking you’ll be better prepared to make the kind of life you really want to live.
In their book, Innovate Like Edison, Michael Gelb and Sarah Miller Caldicott, suggest we choose at random a simple object: a toothpick, a paperclip, or a piece of string, then time ourselves for two minutes as we write down as many uses for that item as we can think. At the end of two minutes count the number you came up and divide the results by two to get a per minute average. Evaluate your score. A score of four is average, eight excellent, and twelve is genius level for idea-generation. The more you practice, the more inventive you will grow. Challenge your kids to do this with you in order to expand their thinking.
When trying to repair your creative dendrite highway be observant and watch the world around you. Use your notebook to record bits of insight, clever comments, or comical experiences with your kids. The more you get out into the world doing things you enjoy the more daring you will become. Other people’s work inspires. Other’s attitudes can uplift if you choose your activities wisely. In order to find your muse, your source of inspiration, you’ve got to explore. Don’t live your life just filling time. Make a goal, find a purpose. Whatever you do, use your experiences somehow, someway, to make your life have meaning. Not every minute needs to be purpose-driven, and there are times having no purpose for your activity is purpose enough. Balance, again, is needed.
Last night, my son and I attended a Murder and Mayhem tour at a neighboring town. We ate at a side-street deli then joined a group of twenty to learn of the town’s infamous history. The décor in the diner was quirky, and the presenter, dressed in period costume, was awe-inspiring with her story-telling skills. I loved the ambiance of the restaurant and the animation of the story-teller. Because of the pumped-up feeling I experienced from my night out, this morning as I write my creative dendrites are in high gear. The tour with my son was a hit.
I’ll admit I would have felt uncomfortable going alone. I would have been the only single in the group and although what other people think doesn’t matter so much, having the companionship upped the entertainment value by a long shot. Could I have gone alone? Yes. Would I have? I’m not sure. It wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun. I enjoyed the company though strangely enough, we both felt eyes upon us speculating, we assumed, that I was his cougar sweetheart. If you’re worried about what’s going on in other people’s minds, I have to ask which is worse? Being alone in the crowd, or being considered a middle-aged mama with her twenty-year-old sweetheart? It’s a matter of opinion, for sure, but it puts in perspective that the thoughts of others can be skewed. More likely than not no one would have noticed if I had gone alone. If they did, it’s possible I could have given someone inspiration for a novel as they fantasized about the kind of woman who would show alone to an evening of murder.
Even if it feels awkward to go alone, you and I, we have to get out with the living. Get rid of your apprehensions by pretending you’re a news reporter on assignment, or a college student collecting information for a thesis. Be whomever you need to be in order to get as much enjoyment from this life as you can. Act, play, be someone new for the evening. George Bernard Shaw said, ‘Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.’ Create a facade that helps you get over the ‘going-it-alone’ blues. Become an actor in your own life to gain the confidence you need to get out doing the things you want to do. Recently I saw journalist Lisa Ling on Larry King. She encouraged all women to get to a place where we don’t need anyone. It’s good not to ‘need’ people. Certainly it’s wonderful to have friends in our lives. They add vibrancy to our days and warmth to our hearts. There is, however, something very rewarding in knowing you can survive quite well alone.
When did we lose our innate joy of creating to find a better way? Did we quit because we were inundated with too much work or because we didn’t think we’d never measure up to the rest? Fiddlesticks. People are going to judge, so get beyond that. Gosh darn, if I judged myself compared to other people I would be a complete and total failure – right from the hair on my head to the toes on my feet, from the way I clean house - to the overgrown areas of my yard – to the car I drive and the clothes I wear – to the men in my life, to the friends I don’t have – to the pictures I paint and the repairs on my house – don’t ever compare – or you’re going to be a failure. Let everyone else grade if they must, but dare them to live your life and see if they could do any better. It’s your grade that matters. Learn from those who have what you admire and improve. Pay homage to their talents and ask for their expert advice. Don’t cower at your less than perfect attempts at building a brand new life. Work harder, expect messes, start again, and get help so you can do what it is you really have to do. There is nothing more pleasing than developing a talent or a skill, to evolve and become good, really good at something you love to do, unless, of course, it’s developing yourself into the woman you’ve always known you could be. Our talent, project, and life may, or may not, meet anyone’s standard of perfection but in time, with practice, it should satisfy yours. If it doesn’t, give yourself a deadline for growth and if there is none, change your direction then find for yourself a new interest to pursue.
It’s easy to lose yourself in a creative project. I spend hours working to advance my less than perfect painting skills. Painting is my escape from the world. I think of nothing but paint, colors, and technique when I have a canvas in front of me. The troubles of my life disappear immediately and peace always fills my soul. Am I good? No. Not even close. But I don’t paint for anybody’s approval. I paint for pleasure, and to develop a talent I never before pursued. I am planning on sticking around for twenty-five more years. I expect to be a good painter in ten and a really good artist by the time my days are finished. I have to practice though. And practice takes commitment. And commitment needs a goal. What is it you want out of life? Who are you going to become?
You are the heroine in this novel life of yours, so write your role. What kind of woman would you be on paper if you could? Who will you be in reality? My protagonist (me) is a successful writer, story-teller, motivator, and an awe-inspiring woman. She is a teacher, respectful of other’s interests and passionate in helping them achieve their goals. She is a mother who is attentive to her children’s needs. She gives each child a steering wheel and map and respects their ability to make choices for themselves. My heroine (me) is an established artist, runner, investigator, inquisitor, business woman, a comedian in her own right, and a traveler with not a moment to waste. She is rich in health, love, confidence, and money. My super woman (me) is busy with purpose, and ideology. New ideas never stop flowing as she finishes one project and is onto the next. She is confident and positive. She has no time for those who think themselves better just because of who they are, what they wear, who they know, or what they do, nor does she value the status quo. She knows there is always a better way. She has reached inside her heart and has found the woman she has always known she could be. She is brave beyond compare and no matter how much negativity the world slaps down upon her she remains optimistic despite the set-backs she encounters every day. She is nobody’s fool. She is smart and clever and although she knows she has these traits she is humble and grateful for her blessings. She is assertive. She is confident in her ability to perform her duties and is always finding new ways to get better results. She is open to other’s suggestions and will forego her better way to allow someone else a chance to explore their possibilities. She absolutely at all times stands up to those who bully, boss, or impose their less than admirable demands upon others and herself. She does so with dignity and self-assurance. She never caves into unreasonable requests and never complains about their foolish appeals. She is a leader and all she leads have tremendous respect for her because they know her to be a true, honest, hard-working woman of great integrity. No one ever needs to question her intentions because she will always have the group’s best interest at heart. She is helpful to all, encouraging every person to bring their gifts to the table. She has no time for complaining because she knows time is running short. She is wise beyond her years, and more fun to be around than a barrel of monkeys. She sees life as a game, to be played, where all can be winners if they follow the rules, but she knows when it’s better for rules to be broken. She dresses with style and class. She has her foot out the door in every aspect of her life and she is owing to no one, ever. She takes care of herself and her own, and always gives credit where due. She does not compete, because she knows competition is unnecessary. She understands we all have our place in this world and it’s not her job to usurp another’s role. She has a playful spirit, a curious mind, a passion for life and for learning. She is loving and giving and able to bestow compliments to all she meets knowing a flattering remark can make somebody’s day even better. She has self-assurance that will not be shaken when challenged. She loves life, she loves people, she has many friends and lovers, lots of lovers. In this area, and this area alone, her girlfriends are incredibly jealous (though they never would admit it). She gives her heart to all she loves but is perfectly happy when their time together has ended. There are more to love and she wants to love many. She has a life plan and she’s living her life to the fullest, filled with mystery, intrigue, hope, and goodness. She’s an explorer, a mover and shaker, dependent on no one, but loving and accepting of all.
This is my heroine. She’s who I want to be. Identifying her is the first step. Now, I must go create her. I have a very long way to go before I’m her but oh what fun I’ll have on the journey. Having spent my entire life believing I didn’t matter and living most of my life with what Dr. Martin Seligman calls learned helplessness, I no longer care what others think of me. I don’t say this in a sassy, defiant tone. The truth of the matter is I know my value and I know I am fine with or without the world’s approval. The past is long gone, praise the Lord. So watch out world I’ve got a heroine to create. The one described above. I know who I want to be. I know I can create her. Although it’ll be tough and there will be times my thoughts and behaviors will be far less than heroic, I am going to do my very best to make her come alive. I look forward to meeting her. Describing her, recognizing those traits I admire, is the first step necessary in creating her. I have set the bar high, but with work I will come close. In order to get there I have to get rid of the garbage. Understand your flaws. We all have them, ours to own without blame or shame.
Your life could, and should, be a masterpiece. Or, it could end up an empty canvas you never get take time to paint. Picture where you want to go and how you are you going to get there. When I listened intently to the story-teller at the Murder and Mayhem tour I was mesmerized. I love stories. I love hearing and telling them. I love watching the entranced looks of my students when a tale is being told. Your life a story. Make it real and make it big. Make it captivating. Become as real and as big as your imagination will allow. How are you going to be the topic of conversation in a hundred years? Make your time here worthwhile. Make yours a terrific tale of adventure, fun, love, and mystery. In a room full of strangers, make yourself whomever you want to be.
I don’t condone lying. What I do pardon is helping your creative spirit come alive. Have fun in this life, get active, and start building this project, your life. It should be lived as a masterpiece you are creating. It’s true, you don’t have a creative bone in your body, you have a creative spirit. Find it, fix it, get it working, and from here on out start living your life to the fullest.
I am always doing things I can’t do. That’s how I get to do them.
– Pablo Picasso
54. Have faith. When it rains it pours and when you find yourself submerged in a total life makeover, not solicited by you, it seems that anything and everything is going to test your faith. Having faith feels like a joke when life seems to be going in an opposite direction from what you’ve planned. It’s easier to give up and surrender rather than believe in the good when one thing after another tests your spirit. February 1998, was my month of hell. At the time it felt like whatever could go wrong, did. My roof leaked, I discovered termites in my house, my refrigerator AND my washing machine died and on top of all of that, my basement flooded. My banker called wondering where the mortgage payment was and my husband, who was off in the mountains with his lover, was refusing to pay me any money until I was ‘nice’ to him. All of this happened during my second month as a new student with a new part-time job. Let me tell you, I was awfully glad this happened to be a short month. Call it the devil, call it life, call it the chain letter I received months earlier, call it whatever you want but if negativity is knocking you down and you don’t have faith for a happier day ahead, you’re going to find yourself deep in a ditch with no way out. Depressed and disheartened, life will only grow more difficult if you can’t see hope for a brighter tomorrow. Life is short. Even though sadness fills every cell in your body, in the long run the pain will be forgotten and a better day is waiting. Be patient, be gentle with yourself, and have faith knowing you’re going to be happy again. Faith for a good life, even if your life happens to be a life all alone, is the single most important thing for you to believe.
55. Most people give the best they can. True enough there is a lot of evil in the world, but more often than not most angry souls are simply unhappy beings. Work doesn’t bring them meaning, their kids are loud and unruly, and failure seems to be their plan for the future. Those dips on the rollercoaster of life can be hard. As your own marriage was coming to an end, words undoubtedly were thrown, names were probably hurled, and hurts and wounds were forced open causing a lot of pain as someone was trying to end the relationship. Feeling beat up by divorce you might not feel you have much left to give – anyone. Defensive and in denial, you have to ask yourself if negativity has taken it’s toll on you. You’re not the only one. There are a lot of divorced people in this world and at least half of them feel hurt and betrayed. Folks typically give the best they can but there are a lot of people who don’t have all that much to give.
Create ways to:
□ Have fun with your kids
□ Step out of your box
□ Smile every day
□ Make somebody else smile
□ Get the chores done – fast
□ Get the kids to help without bribing
□ Spend 10% less a week on groceries
□ Save $5 a week for an adventure
□ Have an adventure
□ Develop a talent
□ Write your masterpiece life
□ Finesse your personal recipe
□ Spend time with your kids
□ Use your talents
□ Help those who are needing your help
□ Be a gardener
□ Find projects that speak to you
□ Be an inventor
□ Be a hero
□ Be an artist
□ Be a chef
□ Inspire others
□ Be all you can be having fun along the way
□ Deal with the grumps
□ Avoid being a grump
□ See goodness in life even when others aren’t good
□ Be happy alone
□ Be busy while enjoying it
□ Appreciative for all you have
□ Exercise
□ Include others
□ Develop your confidence
□ Talk to strangers
□ Do something special each week
□ Record your family history
□ Save money
□ Help the environment
□ Decorate your table
□ Get done all you have to do
□ Go on a trip
□ Push yourself further
□ Be happy EVERY day
□ To be kind to others
□ To finish a project
□ Have fun
□ Work hard and play hard
□ Become involved
□ Have special birthdays
□ Celebrate the ordinary
□ Learn new things
□ Share your beliefs
□ Do something new each day
□ Do something new each week
□ Five year plan
□ Spiritual plan
□ Inviting friends into life
□ Go on dates
□ Use new information
□ Spend a rainy afternoon
□ Spend a sunny afternoon
□ Welcome people into your life
□ Meet a new guy
□ Make more money
□ Make new friends
□ Save more money
□ Live a life you’ll be happy to have owned
□ Get excited about life
□ Become more invested in your own life
□ Enjoy life
□ Give your life meaning
□ Express yourself
□ Book club, wine club
□ Documentary on being single at mid-life
56. Divorced women would rather be alone than hang-out with other divorcees. – I’m not sure what it is, but it seems that women who were hit by the divorce bug prefer being alone than spend their time with others in the same boat. Marrieds don’t want much to do with us and we don’t want much to do with us either. I suppose many things come into play. I know my own heart doesn’t do well with pain. I’ve had plenty of it in my life and I don’t want any more. If I can avoid it, I will. Another possible reason we keep our distance is that some women are exhausting. Because there aren’t a lot of divorcees compared to the marrieds, our choices are limited. Just like finding a man, the fit with a friend is not always an easy match. We fear if we open the door we’re inviting dysfunction again. We’ve been there, done that – forget it. A third reason might be the time commitment. Already there aren’t enough hours in the day. Who has time to embrace a new friendship? And the horror of having a clinger can be too overwhelming for someone who has discovered a new found freedom. We’re complicated. That’s for certain.
57. Wanting equality in a relationship doesn’t make you a man-eater. I’m sharing this lesson because of a friend. She has a boyfriend and seems content. She’d rather have a man than be alone even though she sacrifices a great deal to maintain the relationship. I’d rather be alone and happy than with a man and feel controlled. I told my friend I don’t want a man just for the sake of having one. If I do have a relationship I want it to be an equal one. Her response, ‘So you’re a man-eater,’ mortified me. I was saddened for my friend. She equates equality with being demanding. In the business world, she is a feminist. In her personal life, I don’t think she is. Know what you want. There’s a fine line between compromise and being compromised. Compromise I can do. Being compromised is a price I’m not willing to pay, ever again.
58. When you change so, it seems, does everyone else. When misfortune comes to pass it becomes pretty clear who is there for you. The best of the best will stick by you no matter what. The others, mostly good folk too, are not nearly as committed. Don’t be too quick to judge. Imagine if the situation was reversed. How much sadness could you handle on a daily basis? I know you need friends. They know it too but they don’t always know how to help. They have their own struggles and families to care for without the added burden of your heartbreak. You might find your new beginning has created a new you and your friends are no longer the kind you need. After my husbands left I realized most of my friendships reflected the kind of relationships I had with the men. I was a follower with both guys and a follower with my friends. I was taught, at a young age, my opinion didn’t matter, so I didn’t want to lead. Then one day I went from being a follower to the leader in my family. My role changed and in time my controlling friendships no longer worked for me. I wasn’t so easy going any more. I now had my own ideas of what I should be doing. I wasn’t interested in fulfilling the goals of my friends. You have changed whether you realize it or not. In your mind’s eye your friends have changed. Really they haven’t, so don’t hold it against them.
Travel
TRAVEL
The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only one page.
- St. Augustine
Imagine yourself as a Lewis or Clark, a Columbus, or an Armstrong. A pioneer you are, discovering new lands, but instead of the hardships these explorers faced you are a twenty-first century adventurer with all kinds of opportunity for travel. Although you don’t have the King of Spain or NASA financing your journeys you do have limitless prospects that were unavailable to most voyagers before you. Those who preceded us paved the way, so we must take advantage and appreciate their work that led to our chances for travel. Yes, we need the dollars, euros, pesos, yens, zlotys, or rupees to make it happen, but when we grow determined to take on the world we’re going to find a way to make it so.
Out there beyond your neighborhood or across the ocean blue, is a whole world waiting to be discovered. The sights, sounds, and customs are as diverse as the people we meet on our streets. Wherever we go people are different just as we are the same. Sometimes we think we are more alike than different, but only travel can show just how diverse the people are who make up this beautiful world. Mark Twain said, “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.” Part of living, part of expanding one’s mind, part of the excitement of life comes from seeking out new destinations. With such an incredible world only hours away we really must do what we can to see as much of it as we can.
Traveling outside one’s country is humbling to those of us who have been blessed with so much. The devastation of war still lingers on the faces of older Europeans. The poverty of third world countries, where tourism polarizes the standard of living, opens one’s eyes to how lucky we really are. While visiting Nepal my sister has met some of the poorest people on this planet but in her opinion some of the happiest. People are products of their history and history is different wherever you go. Staying, never traveling outside our own small borders, robs us from understanding our neighbors and can keep us from looking beyond our selfish needs. Author, Miriam Beard said, “Travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.”
Life out there inspires and stimulates our senses like nothing else. Imagine the thrill the early explorers experienced when they discovered lands overflowing with smells, foods, and unfamiliar sounds. Now picture yourself exposed to unrecognizable scents, scenes, tastes, and traditions foreign to your way of thinking. Imagine the richness of your experiences when you open yourself to a new-to-you kind of life. Get inspired by the strangeness (to you) of all that you could absorb. Travel. Somewhere. Sometime, before the next ten years have vanished.
Because money is tight before you go anywhere consider the purpose of your trip. Are you a beach bum, or so exhausted with life that nothing could bring you more pleasure than a week on a chaise lounge soaking up the sun, and slurping down pina coladas? Are you the adventuresome type who lives for a week of hiking, rafting, mountain climbing, or sailing? Or are you the intellectual who would rather see museums and revel in lascivious stories that were more scandalous than your own? Maybe you’re an explorer, and curiosity beckons you to places most folks wouldn’t consider. Are you an artist in search of her muse or are you on a spiritual quest to find the meaning of life? How about missions work? Are you the kind of woman who wants to show gratitude by working in a third world country in a way where bureaucracy doesn’t limit you as it does in your very own town?
I know bureaucracy limits you in your own town, but how much do you limit yourself all the time? What part of your plan includes travel? Any? Or have you already convinced yourself that travel is a pie in the sky dream that will never be served to you? Are you bold enough to take off on your own? Can you ask for assistance in your own town much less in a land where no one speaks your language? How would you feel if you missed your plane in a country where no one understood a word you said? Would your break down and cry, afraid you’ll never make it home? Or would you laugh off the mishap without a care in the world, hoping to catch the next flight out tomorrow?
My sister is the ultimate adventurer. She’s climbed Everest base camp twice. She’s hiked the Andes and discovered, for herself, Manchu Pichu. She’s been to the Galapagos and has swum in every ocean. She has kayaked six miles south of the North Pole, and has been to the Great Barrier Reef. She drank saki in Japan, skied on Whistler’s Mountain, and served those less fortunate in Ecuador. Most of the time when my sister travels she goes alone. My sister is a doctor. She never married and has no children. She has the means and the time to get up and go whenever she wants. She also has the confidence. This year she’s been to Italy and next week she’ll be returning to Nepal to climb the mountain again. She has met many people from all over the world. She is an adventurer, confident in her ability to get found if she gets lost and secure in her strength to take over her rickshaw driver should he try to attack or rob her. He never has. She has, however been robbed in Nepal – very politely I might add, receiving a receipt for her ‘gifts’. She has also come face-to-face with a bear, though not in Nepal. She lives a Forrest Gump kind of life, one that is filled with novelty and adventure. She’s real. She’s inspiring, and if she can explore the great big world with her unlimited resources we can save for at least one big trip before our health betrays us and we no longer get to go.
Where would you go if you could and why? Close your eyes and imagine your adventures. Are you longing to see the architecture of Italy, or the pyramids of Egypt? Will it be to the south of France on a painting excursion you go, or will you take off for a month (or two) down under? Imagine yourself on your way. Are you going it alone or with a group of singles? How will you prepare? Will you learn the basic language? Study a little history? Or finesse your photographic skills to capture the beauty of this new-to-you world you’re about to explore? Imagine your confidence growing and a zest for life expanding. Picture yourself developing a fresh love for the world and the wonderful people it houses. You’re problems will feel halved when you have something exciting with which to look forward. You’ll begin to feel alive again. Forget about that man. What man? Although it might seem unlikely, if you’re planning a new life, it won’t be long before you can close ‘that man’ chapter forever.
Pick a letter of the alphabet. Where would you go if you could? Would it be Tuscany? Tokyo? Toledo? Or maybe Transylvania? Anchorage? Australia? Asia? Or Acapulco? Where did you want to visit when you were a little girl? I wanted to see the tulips and windmills of Amsterdam. I longed to visit Japan and the pyramids were calling my name. Today, it’s Mona from the Louvre I hear whispering, and from the Tower of London, Anne and Henry’s other disappointments beckon from afar. Tomorrow, I might again hear the pharaohs calling or I could long for time spent at a secluded mountain resort.
A few months back I was blessed when friends from Canada came a calling. We headed off to the city where they excitedly insisted we take the Greyhound tour of the capital. On our trip we met a young lady from New York City. Friday after work she boarded a plane, flew to our city, and explored for the weekend alone. I asked her if she does this often and of course she does. Her plan was to fly home Monday morning returning to work from the airport. Regularly she picks a city from any one of the states and takes off to investigate. I was inspired by this young lady and although I don’t have the means to get on a plane when the ‘let me get out of here’ bug hits, or when curiosity gets the best of me, I can save up and take off to some place, once in a while, if I plan.
Times are hard for you, no doubt, and because life has gotten more difficult it’s easy to convince yourself you’ll never get a chance to visit any place out of state. There’s no money nor time. I know. But don’t concern yourself with the reasons you can’t go. Plan and dream of the time you will. My seventy-two year old mother is getting her chance at Europe. I am certain she never believed she would have such an opportunity, but she dreamed of the day, and now it’s happening. She leaves in the spring. My elementary principal, as a much older woman, traveled to Egypt, blind and with strangers. She flew from Canada to New York, by herself, where she met a group of seniors on their way to visit places where history began. Her eyes have failed her yet she continues to travel the world. What inspiration! If she can do it, so must we.
Prepare yourself for the day you can go, and remember if real life is holding you back, this too shall pass. It’s important to have your dreams ready and in place for that day when they become real. If you never get to go, so what? It’s still going to be fun to dream and prepare. Learn all you can about the place and research what you’ll do when you get there. If you get to go, you will be ready. If you never get the chance, the anticipation of the dream is still going to put a bounce in your step.
Get to the library and research the world. Read National Geographic and watch The Travel Channel to discover cities that spark your interest. Read a lot, and record in your very necessary notebook the names of places that are calling your name. Plan on becoming a ‘real’ tourist when you get there. Enjoy other travelers as much as you do the locals. If you venture beyond this country few you meet will be Americans. Take this time to learn about the people you meet. You already know you, so don’t waste time telling your story. Take this opportunity to discover as much as you can about everyone else you meet. People watch, build friendships with the locals, and the not-so-locals. Be brave and continue to develop your confidence.
Join a travel group or form your own. The organizer usually pays for their trip by planning the venture for all, an emotional investment rather than a financial one. Check into house swaps and if that makes you uncomfortable, find ways to study or teach abroad. Go with a church group, go with a singles group, or like my sister, go it alone. But go. We all need at least one big trip at least once in our lifetime. If none of these options are reasonable for the time being, bring the world to you. Cook ethnic meals, learn cultural customs, and have your own little Italian, Mexican, or Turkish night at home.
Invest in your future. There is hope. It’s never too late to dream. Start saving today, do research today, and before you know it, your heart and soul will be invested so much that the money will not be a problem. You will find a way to make it happen. Dream, big dreams. Why not? Life is a game, with you as your major competitor. In order to win you have to play. Get into this world and start living.
‘A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.’
- Lao Tzu
59. Don’t worry about what others think if you’re giving your best. If you walk over others to get your way – worry. If you’re mean, and pig-headed, not willing to compromise – worry. If you lie, cheat, steal, and take advantage of others, worry still. But if you do your best with what you have don’t worry for one minute what others think. So what if you dress in bargain priced fashions. At least you’re dressed. You know, as I do, far too many people spend money on things they cannot afford and more likely than not they have struggles of their own. Suppose they do have all the money in the world and can buy whatever they want, isn’t that a good thing? And what about the chores? If you can’t keep up because there is too much to do are you going to be okay, or beat yourself up for being a failure - again? If you’re curled up in front of the TV day-in, day-out, while the grass grows higher, and the dishes pile up, get moving so you can feel like you’ve contributed to your life. When you’re tired, change direction. Yes, a short nap may be in order but perhaps instead of the sofa a walk can awaken your spirit instead. Be proud of your accomplishments when you’re actually accomplishing. It’s easy to get down and feel the world is against you, so you must fight back, and complete a little something every day.
60. Keep your character in check. Keep your integrity in check and focus your energy on becoming a woman of integrity. Other peoples’ husbands are not yours for the taking even if he tells you he is miserable and that his marriage isn’t working. You’ll pay a price for your indiscretion if you go down that path. I know sex is no longer a big deal to you but it is to the woman at home. Do right. If he’s cheating for you, you know his attention span isn’t worth a dime. You’re not going to change him no matter how cute you are or how sexually satisfying you happen to be. Let’s face it, there are plenty of babes who could do the same job. If you wouldn’t want someone doing your husband don’t do someone else’s. Madeleine K. Albright warned, ‘There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.’ Imagine the place for women who take another’s family. Being a good gal doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. You can still have fun while maintaining your dignity and respecting your sister. If he’s going to cheat, let him. Just not with you. It’s not worth the price of your character. Remember the pain you felt? Are you willing to be the cause of that kind of hurt on somebody else? English clergyman, George Herbert said, ‘Living well is the best revenge.’ Live your life well by doing right by others.
Travel the World
□ Discover the 10 most beautiful buildings in the world –Look on-line then decide if you need to see them.
□ Discover the 10 most beautiful beaches – Look on-line then decide if you need to go.
□ Oh why not? Go to a nude beach! At least go skinny-dipping.
□ Become the Travelocity gnome (watch Amelia) and have your picture taken at well known tourist attractions.
□ Pick a country, any country then get online and study it.
□ Read one book a month from a different part of the world.
□ Become a member of National Geographic or at least read the magazine at your library.
□ Take photos and send them to Nat Geo.
□ Collect Nat Geo pics.
□ Get to your World Market and buy foods from around the world.
□ Pick a country, any country then have a new to you culture party.
□ Check for cheap flights to nearby cities, book a good cheap hotel, and get tickets for a Greyhound city tour. Do a weekend away once a year.
□ Go down to Chinatown and do dim sum.
□ Go to Market Street or the Farmer’s Market and try foods from other nations
□ Organize a group to take a trip overseas and get yours for free.
□ Go in search of a spiritual leader (but remember to come back).
□ Take a dart and a map and go where the dart directs you. If the world is too big, make it your country. If this is still too large, narrow it down to your state.
□ Imagine having only twenty-five years. What country do you want to visit? Study about it, fall in love, then make that visit happen.
□ Dream.
□ Find the friendliest cities in America and visit one.
□ Find an on-line group of traveling singles and go.
□ Make meals from different cultures at least three times a year.
Mystery
Mystery
“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.”
- Albert Einstein
For years I’ve followed the talk show perspective of life. Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Get it all on the table and tell the world everything there is to know. Daddy was abusive, let it out. Hubby can’t perform, share it with the girlfriends. The colleague is a bitch, tell it like it is (like they haven’t figured that out already). I like the truth. I like the cold-hard truth. As a science teacher and a twice divorced mama it’s pretty safe to say I have no use for fraudulent, deceitful behavior. I can’t stand scammers, or users and abusers of others and I can’t stand being misled. I like the truth no matter how ugly it is and I like honest to goodness people.
If I’m being truthful, the truth of the matter is I’m a pretty boring woman. There are no paparazzi chasing me down and I don’t have a media worthy tale to tell. My life is just a normal one and not all that interesting to the masses, so I reveal all. Who cares what I did, where I’m going, or what I’ve seen? Who cares what anyone besides the Hollywood celebrities are doing? I’m not secretive. My biggest secret, that will cost me half my readers, is that I am a Democrat, and that’s not really a secret at all. I just keep it to myself in order to survive. Other than that, I have nothing scandalous to hide. I tell it all and I tell all for a reason.
One of my dirty little pleasures is that I love performing within my small circle of friends. I get great joy from telling my stories and watching their expressions when I toss in a cussword or two adding colorful details to my yarns. I love the looks of shock that are nearly always followed by small mischievous smiles revealing devious sides I know that are lurking beneath. I work hard to expose the wild-side of someone, especially when confronting the prim and proper gal who is working way too hard to build a ‘perfect’ life. No, I’m not Satan. I just know there is an untamed wild side to these good people, and I want to reveal a smidgen of it so they can tap into a place of wicked fun. Because I love to perform, in time, just to perfect my story telling skills, I’ve told everything there is to tell. I am shameless in the telling of my tale. I don’t care what others know about me since I am not the Queen of England, nor part of a mysterious reclusive family. I see myself as no better, no worse than anyone else. I am an open-book, but that’s about to change. Recently I’ve been learning the joy of keeping my story a secret. With everybody (except the ex) revealing everything in this world, I am beginning to believe a little mystery goes a very long way.
Now with that said, I still say if people are going to talk about you, go ahead and do your part to make your story good. Add your own twist, stir up the pot and make yourself the most talked about gal in town. Have fun with it, but in the meantime find for yourself a part of life that absolutely nobody in this world, but you, knows about. I’m not saying you should go find smut, a married rendezvous, a pornographic life, or suggesting you follow Nancy’s lead on Weeds, selling drugs to keep up a middleclass lifestyle. I’m pretty sure none of those things were encouraged in Sunday School and I know you know it too. Sure money is great and sex is fun. Secret sex is even more fun, but think long-term about what you really and truly want out of life. This is something just for you. No lover, no internet, no anything that could earn you a slot on the Lifetime channel, or a paid holiday in the pen.
I’m talking about the kind of fun you can be proud to tell your grand-babies. I remember watching an episode of the T.V. series Malcolm in the Middle, when Hal, the father, was called into court accused of doing something on the job. As the proceedings were underway Hal realized the date in question happened on a Friday. He knew he could prove his innocence because every Friday for the past however many years, Hal had taken the day off work to play. He had his secret life. A life of fun known only to himself.
This is your mystery. Get out and do something no one but you knows about until your days are numbered. Then, if you want, share your secret life with your grandkids. Make your covert life colorful, explosive, and generous. Take art lessons, unbeknownst to anyone, hiding your talent for others to discover near the end. Learn to belly dance but don’t tell a soul. Make sure there are videos to be revealed at the reading of your will. What a way to make light of a sad situation. Go to an elementary school, get the name of a needy, worthy family, and send twenty-bucks a month anonymously. Yes, money is tight, but giving to others reminds us just how good we’ve really got it. No one needs to know this gift is coming from you. Train for a marathon, and keep it to yourself. Stash away ten bucks a week until you have saved enough for a weekend trip alone. Consider your underwear alone. Instead of the religious, holey undies middle-aged mamas are known for, buy for yourself a sexy bustier no one but you knows you’re wearing (not to be discussed with the grandkids!). Find for yourself a healthy, hidden, loving, playful secret life for no other reason than for fun.
Make yourself a promise to keep this undisclosed. I don’t pardon lying. If someone asks what you’re up to divert the question. If they are adamant in knowing, say you’d rather not tell. All of a sudden, your mystery level has sky-rocketed. What fun! This isn’t about thinking yourself better, or becoming a private recluse. This is about creating for you a life of mystery, and keeping a part of your authenticity entirely just for you. You’re alone, remember? Folks aren’t watching, so you can do just about anything you want. Write children’s books and before you tell a soul that you’re considering the project have a whole set completed and a contract in the works. You can shock your own children when you tell the grandkids about the time you flew to Vegas when Daddy spent the weekend with his father.
Mystery is a good thing. In this world of talk shows, reality shows, and social net-works on the web where people shamelessly tell it all, (even that they’ve got dishes to wash!?!), a whole lot of mystery is very good thing. Just think. You can wink at yourself knowing people don’t have a clue who you are and what you’re all about. Keep it clean, keep it safe and keep upholding to a life that’ll make you proud. I can hear my older sister say, ‘Who cares what she’s doing?’ Nobody cares. I get that. Certainly she won’t care and neither will 6,799,999,999 others. But I will, and that’s what matters and that’s what makes it fun.
Find three or four really good friends to form a secret society. No Roberts Rules of Order are necessary but use this group to help make your part of the world a better place. Secrecy is essential. It adds to the mystery. If you are tight with your colleagues, maybe a select few can join forces to help a struggling someone make it through another day. Maybe heading up a fundraiser, surreptitiously, like the wealthy philanthropists so often do, could be part of your agenda. No applaud is necessary, you seek no glory for helping. Form the society in honor of a friend, a colleague, or someone with whom you all respect. Create for yourself a wonderful mysterious part of your life - not to be found out - ever - is what it’s all about. Build a behind the scenes life. Not one of smut. Not one that is shame-filled. One that is useful, positive, productive, and fun.
The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.
- Oscar Wilde
61. Divorce humbles. – Few people get married expecting to get divorced. We all go into marriage knowing we’re going to make it to the end. We’re different from those who can’t because our love is like no other. We’re soul-mates after all and we can survive any storm as long as we’re together. I’m betting every single divorced couple has said, or thought, those very words at some point in their married lives. No one is immune to divorce. It could happen to anyone. Even the self-righteous who ‘know’ how to make a marriage work are at risk. One partner gets bored and although they may not blame their spouse they need to get out of the relationship or face an emotional death. Those who survive beyond five years get a little arrogant. Into ten their haughtiness continues to grow. Come year fifteen, at mid-life, with the fear of mortality and the realization that those big dreams are never going to happen, someone, sometimes, breaks. The marriage ends abruptly and humility becomes a tough old pill to swallow. Even those who are fortunate enough to have weathered the mid-age storm seem humbled. Every marriage in this country is constantly threatened by divorce. As soon as one partner has had enough and wants more out of life, it’s over, and it doesn’t matter who you are and it doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. It means someone got antsy and wanted a new beginning before it’s all too late.
62. Chuckle at the rumor mill. – You know people are going to talk so let them. This may be your fifteen minutes of fame. It’s not much, I know, but if you can provide a little entertainment for those in need let it happen and laugh at the stories they concoct. You know what’s going on in your life and you know that what others think doesn’t matter. Through my first divorce, I heard it all. My husband was having an affair with a female colleague. I knew better. I got what I deserved because I cheated on him first. I cheated, sure did, but only in my head and I KNOW that doesn’t count. Folks talk. Oscar Wilde said, ‘There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.’ Let’s face it, since we’re not celebrities, this may be the only scandal we can bring to entertain the masses. Let them have their stories. The juicier the better. Only you and your ex really know what happened. Maybe.
63. Feelings vs. Thinking – Horace Walpole, 4th Earl of Orford, said, "Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel." Start thinking now and push those feelings aside, at least until you can deal with them. Make yourself get out of ed and force yourself to get busy. Think about what needs done and give up worrying about the past, the present or the future. When time has passed and the whirlwind of insane emotions has subsided, deal with your feelings. They’ll be easier to face in time.
Explore
Explore
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
~ Mark Twain
No matter where we live in this great country history is a part of the people. This nation is rich in tales of war, corruption, and scandalous affairs - those things, long past the misery, we love to enjoy. Stories of politics, murder, gangster or mobster connections make this a country vibrant with scandal. Sagas of true, passionate love, unexplainable successes, bravery, hope and kindness have been interwoven with tales of slavery, uprisings, devastation and gloom. These stories, the good with the bad, have made this country’s history a grand one and it’s summoning from the past to be retold.
Like visiting your grandmother’s attic that is chalked full of memorabilia, your town has it’s very own story. Go, become a treasure hunter; an Indiana Jones, a real seeker of fortune in your own little part of the world. Discover for yourself stories from a long time ago.
Unless you are a history buff, you probably know little about times gone by. In a century few will know a thing about you. Learn what you can about the legends of the past, then go create your own tale while taking your place in the history of your town. Keep it legal, and don’t hurt others. No duals are allowed, no murders or thievery. You can find a way to be remembered that brings joy to generations to come. Maybe you’ll be thought of as the smartest woman, the one who out-foxed the conniving, self-centered ex. Or you might be the source of the funniest story. Do you want to be remembered as a giver like Mother Teresa, or a business woman like Mary Kay Ash? Stardom isn’t the goal. Your legacy, your contribution, something that lives on because of you, that is the objective. Give your life the meaning it deserves by making your time here have meaning.
Have fun in your area. Make it your family’s mission to seek and locate the best, of the best, in the state. Uncover quaint shops, restaurants, and theaters in your area. Discover antique markets, fabric stores, ice cream parlors, and greasy spoons that can become part of your personal itinerary. Find festivals and fairs, revivals and book stores, or pretty little orchards where apple picking is the treat of the day. Take along with you your trusty notebook to record tidbits of inspiration along the way. Snap photos, write poetry, try new recipes, make friendships, and on, and on, and on it goes. Invite a child, a friend, or a college student and share your discoveries with someone who might need a break in their day.
Not only can you uncover the tastiest pizza or the best burger joint in the area, but learn the stories of the shops that house the restaurants or boutiques you support. Many older buildings have delicious fables of infidelity, ghosts, and murder that whet our appetite for gossip and scandal. Find out if your favorite places have outrageous stories to be told. Become an investigator and learn about those who came before you then write a blog to share this history with folks as interested as you. Every person you meet has a story. Every person who was a part of your town, had theirs. Get out and interview seniors who have so much to tell, then share their tales on the net for others to enjoy.
Take out a map of your state. Using a drawing compass make a circle with a one hour radius from your home. Browse the computer to learn as much as you can about the towns that exist within this area. Are there museums, racetracks, vintage shops, wineries, or period re-enactment communities waiting for you to find? Are there canoe rentals, riding trails, or ski slopes to be conquered? Do the surrounding colleges offer guest speakers, continuing ed classes, or recitals, for next to no cost at all? What about craft shows, flea markets, music festivals, or community play-house theaters? Is there a park, a music hall, a haunted house, or a bed and breakfast you’d like to visit? What about an art center that offers lessons, tours, or workshops? There is a plethora of things to do, if you’re interested. People are out there making life happen. Get up and get out and enjoy. Don’t stay home pining away for a better day waiting for your hero to show. Just assume he’s busy saving someone else and learn to take care of yourself.
Upon moving to America, my husband and I went exploring. When we told friends we’d attended a show at a renowned concert hall, or we danced at a world famous dance club, many said they’d never been. It got me thinking. I came from a place that didn’t have much for entertainment, besides pubs and friendships (what else does one need?), but my province does lay claim to the world’s highest tides. I drove past the waters too many times to count, but never once witnessed a tidal bore or road the river as it happened. I really wasn’t interested. Now I teach students about tides and every year I mention this world famous phenomenon, but I don’t have the best frame of reference. Even though they were close at hand I never once took notice. The Cabot Trail, God’s autumn masterpiece, I promised I would see as an adult, but so far I haven’t. Now I don’t know when I will ever get that chance. Whatever is available to us it seems we hardly notice. The cliché we don’t miss it until it’s gone bears truth when it comes to exploring. Perhaps we think we’ll get to it, but we won’t unless we make the effort.
The history of your area makes the people. What is it about your town that makes it work? Why is your city unique? What is it about the place, the people and their beliefs that keeps you planted where you are? What gives you hope for a better tomorrow? Do you have any? If you are interested in your community get involved and become an active member. If you are indifferent about staying a lifetime, get out and explore so you’ve made the most of your time before you finally leave Dodge forever.
If, like me, you live in a place where you feel very much alone, use this time for personal growth. Consider the life you are now living as a preparatory playing field for your future. You’re undergoing a big change and until you become a happy new you, stay where you are at so when you can finally leave the animosity, anger, resentment and disappointment will have all but fizzled away. Bury the past, then find for yourself a brand new life where a peaceful, healthy you makes the rules. When you move, those you meet will be unaware of the tired, bitter divorcee you’ve been and no one will hold it against you.
It’s easy to grow content staying home alone. I love it. When my work day is over I don’t care to get out and explore any longer. I am at peace and quite happy in my humble abode doing whatever feels right at the time. I get up Saturday mornings and I write. I come home from school and I grade. If I don’t make it a point, if I don’t make a conscious effort to change my routine, I live the same day, over, and over, and over again. Those are not the days I remember. I remember the times I leave work and take off without first going home. And do you know what? My life slows down a little when I do something new because then my days don’t all run together. Yes, the work needs done. Even with just two of us at home if I don’t do my daily chores the mess will be doubled the next day. But sometimes it is oh so worth the pile-up to have gotten out with the living while trying something new.
Enrich your days. Make the most of what the world has to offer in your own little piece of it. Get off the sofa and go exploring.
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.
- Helen Keller
64. We don’t always get what we deserve. – Advertisements are infamous for telling us we deserve the best. My view is we don’t deserve a thing simply because we’re alive. I don’t deserve a billion dollar mansion just because I’m me. You don’t deserve a vacation in Jamaica simply because you’re you. None of us deserved the heartbreak we suffered through divorce, but we surely suffered. When we get what we deserve it’s because we had a plan or we didn’t. We worked hard, or we didn’t. Focus on a plan, know where you are going, get to work and then, if you’re lucky, you’ll get what you deserve. Don’t ever believe the advertising industry when it tells you what you deserve. They want your money, that’s all. They create an elusive dream that is built upon a false sense of entitlement. They’re manipulating you. Get what you deserve by your own efforts.
65. This takes time. – This culture, American culture, is one of immediate success. Delayed gratification is something we don’t like. If we want something we want it now and we go for it. Becoming a new you, takes time. It takes patience to get to know what you love and it takes time to create your dreams, make plans, and set them in action. It takes time getting over a loss. It takes more time when you are busy raising children alone. Getting busy is essential but don’t expect immediate results. It most often takes years to develop the skills you’ll need to move you out of the life you’re now living. As long as you stay focused, working each day toward improvement, you will get where you are headed. Don’t expect to discover your authenticity over night. Be patient. Be diligent. You’ll get there in time if you stay on track.
66. Tough girl attitude. – Having faced two life-altering crisis alone my sensitivity to what I perceive to be insignificant dramas of others is low at best. It’s not that I don’t care about people. I just don’t have much empathy for what appears to me to be minor catastrophes. Those of us who have lived alone can easily grow weary of helping others, especially if we felt abandoned by our friends when we were in need of support. We learned how to become independent, and in that self-sufficiency we lost some of our nurturing spirit. Serious disasters are one thing; inconsequential calamities quite another. I have a tough girl view of the world. When I see people swooning over a friend who has suffered a minor mishap, I don’t understand their concern. I know a woman who fell into a depression when her dog died. Now I understand the sadness that comes from losing a pet. I’ve lost my own and was heart-broken. I felt badly for this woman, but her continued sorrow and eventual deep depression over the loss of her pet is something I do not understand. Losing a family pet is distressing, but losing two men I loved seemed a much harsher reality and this same woman scolded me because I couldn’t get over my loss. I don’t get it, but it was her reality, perhaps in her eyes equivalent to my losing my husbands. Empathy is partly learned and since I’ve had to fend for myself for so long, I’ve lost a lot of compassion. Our emotions are like gases, they can fill us up, no matter how silly or how serious the cause. Try to have patience with others when you don’t understand their behaviors. Their reality may be buried more deeply than the trigger that sits upon the surface.
Pick Two
□ Take a flight over your town
□ Start a history club with one or two people and discover the historical landmarks in your area
□ Go to an auction
□ Go antiquing and find treasures. Start a Depression Glass or a wine glass collection
□ Collect pretty boxes and fill them to the brim with pretty baubles, rocks, marbles, buttons, mermaids tears, dollies, springs, gadgets, whatever you discover to mesmerize and inspire future grand-children when they come to visit
□ Attend local theater
□ Listen to different genres of music, indigenous to your area – if you can (
□ Shop at a flea market
□ Find a real jazz/blues club and listen
□ Discover the best margarita in town
□ Visit outside the country
□ Try an opera
□ Find great ethnic restaurants of various nationalities
□ Start a book/wine club
□ Find the VERY BEST chocolates EVER
□ Visit wineries and do some wine tasting – what great gifts these bottles make
□ Go spelunking if available
□ Go rafting if you can
□ Hike the mountains in your area
□ Visit state parks
□ Learn the history of your town
□ Make your place in your town’s history- I said it before, and I’ll say it again, if they’re going to talk about you, make your story fantastic!
□ Find the best antique markets, fabric stores, ice cream parlors, pizza joints, burger palaces, etc.
□ Find festivals and get out into the world
□ Use a drawing compass and measure a one hour radius from your home and discover all that is to be found
□ Use this time for personal growth
□ Add variety to your life to slow down time
67. Being happier alone, than with someone else. – Compared to my married lives, I’d rather be alone. I’m living proof one can be happier by themselves but this doesn’t mean I prefer it. A good husband, a dependable partner, one with whom to share my life, I’m sure would be better than spending countless hours alone. It’s when I compare to what I had, there’s no question, I am much more content alone. I can be me and feel good about it. And although I’ve had to battle the blues more often than I care to admit, I have learned the importance of being true to myself. I’ve seen women do anything, and anyone, to avoid being alone. The fear of isolation makes them crazy enough to fall head over heels with the first man they meet. They’d rather be talked down to, bossed around, and made to feel inferior than be alone. I know. I did this. There is a price for every choice we make. Choosing solitude costs us the thrill that comes with being in a relationship. Choosing a relationship costs us our independence. What is the price you’re willing to pay? Giving up independence isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Giving up self-worth, however, always is.
68.We all need a purpose. Viktor Frankl, holocaust survivor, said three things are needed to happy. We need something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for. Without even one of these things our purpose becomes unclear and joy will elude us. Find something to do every day even if it’s for an hour. That’s purpose. If you don’t have children to love, love yourself, find a friend, or get a pet. Make plans every week so you have something for which you can look forward. Do, love, and hope. These three things will bring you joy. That’s all it takes.
69. Have you ever considered? Imagine the astronomical impossibilities that have allowed existence to happen. Without water we wouldn’t be here. Without oxygen, and the perfect wavelengths of light we wouldn’t exist. Without gravity, or the precise temperature range life would be impossible. The scientific likelihood of life is mind-boggling. We’re here, for what purpose? The reality that perfect conditions, however minuscule, have allowed existence to happen is nothing to be taken lightly. This trip is the best gift you will ever have. Enjoy it as much as you can. Don’t feel guilty when you slip a time or two. That’s part of being human. Just make sure you get back up and try again when you stumble.
70. Enjoy the good when it happens. –It’s true, time heals all wounds, at least those cuts to the emotional heart. It may take you longer than others, but don’t be too hard on yourself. Have faith, and believe this too shall pass. When it does, and the good times come your way, allow yourself to enjoy them with utter abandonment. Don’t be suspicious of the good times. Know from the beginning they will end one day just because this is life. Enjoy the feast while you have it without fear of the famine. Don’t waste a minute of the banquet believing you don’t deserve it and don’t worry that things will come undone if you allow yourself to celebrate the good. What a shame it would be to miss the good times in life because of a fear that the bad is going to ‘get you’ if you allow yourself to have a bit of fun.
Food
Food
Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity.
~Voltaire
Unfortunately I am writing this section two weeks into my first round of Weight Watchers. Diet or not, food is one of the greatest pleasures we can experience. The tastes, textures, beauty, and delight found in creating fantastic meals, it’s all so good. It’s hard not to enjoy eating especially when the choices available to us are limitless. Akin to royalty we get to partake in the pleasures of tastes from all over the world, so it would behoove us to enjoy every single morsel we can, within reason, of course. I am on Weight Watchers, remember?
Trying new foods and making different recipes are sure fire ways to add variety to what can sometimes be ordinary days. Get on-line, find your favorite cooking show, or food magazine, and surf for easy meals to prepare. If money is tight, find cheap-to-make recipes and build for yourself a collection. Prepare your menus for a month or for a quarter of a year. Without planning you’ll end up eating the same old sandwich day-after-day, and mac’n cheese for weeks on end. With so much variety available why not change it up a little adding interest in what could otherwise be a pretty typical day? Variety is fun, but change requires planning and planning as we know takes time. Think of this time spent as an investment in a richer, more palette pleasing life.
When you get out the chopping board, slow down and enjoy the moment. Take it all in. Use your senses. Waft in the aromas as you slice and dice. Inhale the scent of sweet green peppers and enjoy the sound of sizzling golden onions as you fry them in the pan. Touch and taste as you add one spice or herb after another. Your creative spirit takes over when food is being prepared if preparations aren’t left for the last minute and chicken nuggets become the food of choice again. Plan. Don’t leave your food as a must do chore that gets put off until it’s too late to make something delicious.
Even if you’re tired, when it comes to meal preparation change your gears, flip your brain off from worry, and focus on preparing fine cuisine. Your heart will be filled with joy as you cook and invent new twists to trusted recipes. Get out a bottle of wine and turn on the music while you cut, slice, dice and prepare. Like working in a chemistry lab, you’re experimenting with the laws of science. Rather then being a mad scientist, become a crazy creative chef instead.
Sign-up for cooking workshops. Sometimes these are a little pricey, but if you save you can learn a lot about food preparation while having a fun night out with others. I took a truffles making class at a nearby cooking school. Although the class cost more than I felt comfortable paying, I used what I learned to make gifts and considered the money spent as an investment instead of a pricey night out just for fun. I took my new found knowledge of chocolate to improve my truffle making skills. Now the more I make, the fussier I’ve become, and the more interested I am in finding different recipes. I am determined to perfect my truffle-making skills. In five years I want to be a truffle princess. In ten, I hope to be queen.
Check your local hobby stores to see if cooking lessons are offered. Some provide cake decorating, or chocolate making classes. If you’re lucky your community college offers adult ed instructions that include international cuisine. If they don’t, work by yourself to finesse your cheesecake, flan making, or any kind of yummy dish preparation talents that tempt your taste buds into action. Every week I try to make something new. This weekend I’m trying samosas. Something, new to me, I read about in a book.
Nearly every novel mentions food at least once. If an author describes a dish, or mentions an unknown food, remember to jot down the name of it in your idea notebook. I’m reading a book from the Ukraine where I learned about blini. Now I must explore. If your notebook isn’t handy, use a stick-um note attached to your book to record all the foods that are mentioned.
Become an aficionado of a particular type of food. You might be interested in learning about wines, nuts, cheeses, or sandwiches. Try to organize a small supper club that samples international cooking every other month. Go to restaurants so the stress of cleaning, or footing the bill, isn’t a worry. If the friends list is short and you can’t find a group that shares your interest, make a meal a month from a new-to-you land and share this cuisine with your kids. Don’t forget they’re kids. If you’re squeamish about trying octopus it’s probably safe to assume they may be as well. Don’t forget the music. Traditional, indigenous music adds a perfect touch.
Watch The Cooking Channel but instead of being a passive viewer learn from the chefs and try the challenges they face. You’re not in a $10,000 competition but challenge yourself to get better just the same. Make a fondant cake then paint a masterpiece on the icing. Try your hand at gingerbread houses for the holidays or layered cakes just for fun. Your work won’t be perfect unless you practice. Expect messes until you become a pro. Remember it takes 10,000 hours to master your art. That’s a dollar of prize money for every minute invested. If you practice three hours a day, in ten years you’ll be a master. Practice!
Play cooking games. Who can make the best appetizer, entrée, and dessert? Find books, old magazines, and prepare at least three full course meals a year. Get your kids involved and teach them the joys of cooking. Decorate the table with items your children make. Let them design napkin rings, centerpieces, or nameplates. Get on-line and find instructions for origami napkin folding. As a youngster, one of my boys enjoyed folding napkins into swans. When my children were young, we had candlelight dinners every night. I wanted my kids to be grateful for all we had and for some reason candles made our meals special. Take the time to make meal time a celebration of life.
Food, glorious food should be prepared with love and enjoyed with passion. Slow down and enjoy every single bite. Be creative in your planning, in your preparations, and in your heart. Like the magazines, plan in the spring for your big Christmas meals, and plan in the fall for your spring celebrations. If you live this way, the stress will be minimized, your goals will be more clear, and your celebrations will be a whole lot more enjoyable.
There is no love sincerer than the love of food.
-George Bernard Shaw
71. Mid-life is the best. –You’re alone, but even at middle age you’re growing up fast. You were duped by your handsome Prince Charming who, as it turns out to be, was really the infamous toad. Cinderella and her man might have it going on, but unfortunately your fairy-tale dream has turned out to be a nightmare. He wasn’t the man you believed him to be, but that doesn’t mean your life has to end. Your eyes are open now and your passive aggressive insecurities no longer rule. Independence and a keen eye for recognizing a user are skills you have earned. You can handle this crisis, on your own, and be the survivor you never thought you could be. The kids are less dependent and the world is now a calling. The joy of having a chance to start over, though fearsome, is liberating. Oscar Wilde said, ‘At forty-six, one must be a miser, only have time for the essentials.’ At mid-life we dump the garbage. We get rid of the things that hold us down making room for what’s important. What could be better?
72. It only takes one thing to turn us off. – Come middle-age when we’ve been around the block a time or two, our standard of what our man should be like changes. Either we lower the bar so low and take what we can get so not to be alone or we raise it so high the best man in the world would have a difficult time meeting our expectations, and some of us do have high expectations. It’s funny to hear the silly things that turn women off. A friend of mine has a pal who dated a man who sleeps in a twin bed. That was it. She couldn’t go out with him again. Another friend saw her sweetheart’s bikini undies then shut him out completely. It can take one thing, one silly ridiculous insignificant thing that turns a gal off forever. I know a woman who is dating a man who wears those springy shoes. Suit and tie, and springy shoes. From afar they look like heals. I thought if she had seen his outfit, that’d be it. Let’s face it. The guys do the same to us. All it takes is one thing. A laugh, a pair of earrings, a look. Who knows? Luck of the draw isn’t? God being the comedian He is.
73. People will tell the most personal details. – Oh my gosh. I could write a novel about the dirt folks told when they heard about my pending divorce. I was mortified by the number of women who shared stories of their partner’s indiscretions. I am certain their purpose was to help me, but I was shocked that betrayal seemed a norm and accepted by so many. Of course infidelity in all of the stories resulted in burned bridges between the partners and shame filled the hearts of those who shared their personal heartbreak. In every story, and there were many, the couples stayed together. The relationships had changed, of that I am certain, and I suspect those who fooled around have no idea the bitterness that lurks beneath the ones who were wounded. It’s easy for us to ask why they would stay, but it’s not for us to judge. When a marriage ends there is so much more that ends than just someone not coming home. Two entire lives are changed forever. Put like that, think of how incredibly selfish your husband is and give thanks to the Lord he’s gone for good.
FOOD IDEAS
Try 2
□ Cooking games
□ World food market
□ Red velvet cake
□ Crème brulee
□ Flan
□ Soufflé
□ Plant an herb garden
□ Grow tomatoes
□ Brandied Peaches
□ Lattice pie
□ Torte
□ Smoothies
□ Rhubarb something
□ Carrot cake
□ Chili cook-off
□ Petit fours
□ Black Forest Cake
□ Irish Coffee
□ Trifle
□ Fondant
□ Tres Leches Cake
□ Donairs
□ Doughnuts
□ Custard
□ Lemon Meringue Pie
□ Iced coffee
□ Pears in red wine
□ Dough boys
□ Jam
□ Blueberry Grunt
□ Raspberry Bombe
□ Rappie Pie
□ Treacle Tart
□ Zeppole Italian Fried Bread Dough
□ Felafels
□ Jalebi
□ Kebabs
□ Banoffee Pie
□ Chicken and Dumplings
□ Roast Beef
□ Aspic
□ Chicken Cacciatore
□ Fish and chips
□ Chocolate mousse
□ Cheesecake cook-off
□ Baklava
□ Truffles
□ Tiramisu
□ Coconut cake
□ Molasses taffy
□ Bubble and Squeak
□ Spanakopita
□ Greek Salad
□ Baguette
□ Madeleines
□ Brown Bread and Baked Beans
□ Hasty Pudding
□ Bread and Butter Pudding
□ Mince Meat Pie
□ Kaiserschmarren
□ Apfelstrudel
□ Quiche
□ Omelettes
□ Clafouti
□ Fettuccini Bolagnese
□ Can salsa
□ Stock pile food
□ Blini
□ Black Forest Cake
□ Perogies
Fill Your Senses
Fill Your Senses
So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 8:15
I’m going to start this section with a disclaimer because I know that which follows might stir controversy. Shame on her and all that gobbledygook. I have to warn that what I presume to be perfectly acceptable behavior may cause some others to cringe. Trust me it wouldn’t be the first time my values have been shunned, or that my opinions have stirred unease, but this time I’m going to warn you that you might also question my beliefs. You could even be appalled when I share that I think it’s an absolute necessity that we do what we can to nourish and fill up our senses. Many spiritual teachers would argue that if we seek to do such a thing we won’t have the self-discipline needed to turn from the good things in life. And if we can’t steer clear of temptation, my goodness the troubles we will face. They have reason to be concerned. As a group, we haven’t proven ourselves to have a whole lot of self-control.
Life certainly is tempting. We can easily be lured into debauchery making our sole purpose one of taking care of our senses - if it feels good, do it – kind of thinking. That particular perspective, from the outside looking in, does seem mighty tempting. Take hubby for example. He’s filling his senses and having the time of his life. But if you peek beyond his fun and see the mess he left you’ll see a whole different story in the making. Then consider if you want to be the cause of anyone else’s pain. I know I don’t, but who wants to be a prude all their days, martyring away the good things for fear that too much will ultimately turn out to be bad? This is where I might lose you. I’m going to admit I’m all for a little decadence every once in a while especially when a whole lot of pain has prevailed. A good thing, the spiritual leaders worry, will distract us from our real purpose – that of doing our part to make the world a better place. A good thing, I say without agonizing at all, gives us a bit of balance that we need. Live a rich life, I encourage, even if you have no money, but do be careful. Too much of a good thing, without a foundation built on strong moral character can easily destroy your chance of becoming the hero you’re aiming to be.
Think about it. We can fall head over heals for one man who swoons, wines, dines, and belongs to another. Or lay with someone else, then on to the next, investing our emotions in men who don’t give the union a flip (and, if we’re truthful neither do we). Our esteem takes a beating, and our worth gets devalued. Sure it felt good for the hour (if we’re lucky), but then what happens? Some of us might become shame-filled because we think we’ve given away the royal treasures to scoundrels who didn’t appreciate their worth. Some of us might be so crazy determined to find true love again we begin to believe it’s the sweet, sweet stuff we found between the sheets. Instead of love, his emotions are stoic, intact and no more concerned about us than the gal he beds down tomorrow. Not all women get emotional over a romp with a guy. Sure enough, many a gal can play the bed hopping polka without a dosy-doe to the heart (how cheesy is that?), but many women cannot. If she falls victim to her emotions – again - and ends up broken hearted – again - those spiritual leaders, if they’re worthy of their holy place, they won’t for a minute shake their finger in an ‘I told you so’ accusatory way. Rather than guilt, what we need is an optimistic attitude, and a pro-active life plan, with choices that reflect what we value. Then, if we’re strong enough, we will be dissuaded from living the debaucher’s way. Once more it’s a matter of attitude.
Men aren’t the only way our senses can lead us down a difficult path. We can become too competitive with our friends and jealous of our neighbors. We can get so caught up in having the best of the best our possessions control every decision we make creating for us a self-definition wrapped up in and around the things we own and how we look to others. We overspend while we convince ourselves another purchase isn’t going to matter. We’re so far in debt already one more item can’t possibly make a difference, so we buy. No doubt we have to be careful, but I am convinced a life with a heightened awareness of the good things is an absolute necessity in building a happy life. After all the ugly we’ve experienced dad gum it we’re going to have to find a way to bring a little beauty into our lives.
In order to do that, the first thing we must do is slow down. Too often we look without seeing, and we hear without listening. We eat without tasting, and touch without feeling. Smell, perhaps, is the only sense we don’t take for granted. Helen Keller told us, ‘Smell is a potent wizard that transports us across thousands of miles and all the years we have lived.’ For some reason, smells, the good and the bad, are noticed and like Miss Keller suggested, those aromas can take us back to our childhood reminding us of times long forgotten. My small bush of peonies, every year, transports me back to my grandmother’s garden. The scent of fresh made bread always returns me to my mother’s famous made-from-scratch rolls. Sounds, textures, tastes, and sights, hardly bring back the past like the sense of smell. Perhaps it’s a natural adaptation, or maybe we’re not paying attention as we should.
I can’t remember how many times my kids have alleged, ‘I already told you that, Mom.’ Me, I’m thinking, ‘What?!’ Now, I credit myself as being a mother who listens to her kids so it makes sense that I get a little confused upon learning they’ve told me something and I cannot remember the half of it. No doubt I was visiting la-la land when they asked, or maybe they told me at a decibel too low for their half-deaf mama to hear. Whatever the reason, whether I was not tuned in, or they did not tell me to begin with, more likely than not my senses were only partially working when they shared with me their story. I was probably caught up in my own thoughts instead. I, like so many, sometimes forget to pay attention to what’s really going on around me. I, like so many, though I try, am not always living in the present.
Years ago, during my brokenness, my mother patiently encouraged me, ‘One day at a time, Nancy. One day at a time.’ I kept jumping ahead to my future imagining myself as the infamous drunken, house-coated cat lady who, with curlers in hair and cigarette dangling from yellowed fingers, frightened poor children to death. The future scared the bejesus out of me. I couldn’t get through one hour at a time much less a whole day. I did find, however, I could survive a minute, then the next, and the following and as I learned how to survive a minute at a time, I discovered the value of living my life in the now. I wasn’t intentionally trying to live this Buddhist way of mindful thinking. I had no idea it was a Buddhist way. But it worked and in time I learned to value the peace that comes from living life in the now.
It’s interesting to note that the more we live in the present, the richer, more peaceful we grow. The past no longer causes us shame, and blaming ourselves, or others, for our predicament somehow loses its oomph. We stop looking back and we don’t give worry to the future. Instead we notice the sunlight, the trees, the colors of green. We hear better the stories told to us by those we love, and we get interested in life that is happening beyond our own little worries. There is so much going on all around us – from the tiny family of ants to the threat of nuclear war, to those awe-inspiring astronauts who live hundreds of miles beyond our beautiful planet. When we acknowledge our miniscule place in the universe it gets easier to put in perspective the magnitude of all our troubles which probably isn’t nearly as great as we think. Consider your own situation. I know it’s bad, but if divorce alone is the sum total of your difficulties remember that plenty of folks before you have survived, creating for themselves a brand new life so much better than the one they previously lived. If you want to find peace and honor your senses, pay attention to the now and enjoy.
Before you start collecting pretty things to fill your senses take a look around you. Beginning with your sense of sight appreciate all you have. Not bad, right? Don’t compare to what others have. Don’t long for anything new or fret about what you lost in the divorce. Look right now and see, actually see, what it is that makes your house a home. Even if all you have is an empty room imagine its potential. What is it about your place that makes you feel good? Soak it up. See the colors on your walls, the grains in your woods, and the arrangement of your pictures. Think of the people who built the furnishings and those who cut the trees. Visualize the interconnectedness of the father who, while cutting wood for your table, earned food for his very own. Picture the animals that once had a home in this very same piece then remember the good times, both with and without your partner, that were held at the very same place. Imagine the cotton plants and the fields that were harvested, then the weavers and seamstresses who put together the fabrics in your home. Consider for one moment the number of people it took to make absolutely everything you own. It overwhelms. See your ‘stuff’ with new appreciative eyes. Your home, and the things that make it a home, they all have their very own story.
Now, imagine your future. Visualize a fresh beginning with a style that matches the new-fangled you. Get on-line and search for paintings, wall décor, works of art that reflect you’re budding interests. D.H. Lawrence said, "Only artists produce for each other a world that is fit to live in.’ An artist’s purpose is to enliven the senses. Scan magazines and watch design shows. How you choose to decorate your life will most likely be a long term investment. Be careful, thoughtful, and know how you can make your home, your clothing, your surroundings, your house wares, a reflection of who you are becoming - nobody else - just you. Are you classic? Retro? Kitsch? Subtle? Bold? Contemporary? Feminine? Do you like to buy what’s ‘in’ style or are you more interested in the long haul? Are you a romantic? A business woman? An active or quiet person? Only you know what it is you like so don’t worry for one single minute if anyone else approves.
Remember the selfish decade is behind us. Praise the Lord. We surely need a little self-restraint, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make it a point to bring beauty into our lives. Just be smart. Know your salary for what it really is and spend accordingly. Put aside the cash, and when you’ve saved the dollars go buy for yourself a particular treat you’d really like to own. That’s only twenty-five to thirty nice things (or a hundred – if you’re lucky) if you buy one piece a year. The joy in having saved specifically for an item will give you more pleasure than purchasing it on credit that might end up costing you twice as much along with your peace of mind. Like being on a diet, and saving your calories for a rare treat, the forbidden fruit is so much more the tastier when it’s an infrequent pleasure to be had. A new lawn tractor brought me more joy than a diamond necklace ever could. A repaired chimney, and a brand new breaker box did the very same. The longer I drive my car in 100*F weather with no A/C, the more I am going to appreciate my new-to-me car when I get it. When I had money, I am ashamed to admit, I never once appreciated my belongings. Not once. Now I can feel my heart bursting at the seams at just the thought of a new vehicle and that car won’t be mine for a good while yet. But I can imagine. And I can dream.
Since I can’t afford a car with A/C I don’t expect I’ll ever be able to buy one thousand thread count sheets – unbelievable! (on my dream list it goes) but maybe you can. Me, I have to save to purchase a decent count that feels so much better than the discount brands I had. Perhaps discount is all you can get, but that’s still better than having no sheets at all. It’s all relative.
My oldest sons both attend private universities on full scholarships. Although some of their peers have earned scholarships many go despite the pricey tuitions without a care in the world as to how their bills will get paid. These folks have more money than I will ever make. One year of college costs nearly a year and a half of my salary, and that’s just for one of my boys. He told me he is glad we are poor because now he has an appreciation for the dollar. I had to remind him that in the eyes of many of my students we live like royalty. Seventy-five percent of my students are living in poverty. My family can at least afford to pay for meals though lunch out on a weekly basis with my colleagues is something I cannot do. It’s all relative. We are poor compared to his classmates, but we have nothing to complain about that’s for certain.
I can’t afford fine art, but a twelve dollar print of Gustav Klimt’s, Der Kuss was well worth my money. I enjoy it tremendously. It is beautiful and gives me pleasure every single day of my life – I’m not kidding. I love that print. I doubt most of us can afford the original (one of his paintings sold for $135 million.), but at a twelve dollar price tag the joy it brings me was well worth my investment.
This one is too easy. Use candles. They provide aromatherapy, while awakening our senses of sight and smell. Soft, low lighting not only hides the dust bunnies, flaws, and wrinkles but can help us relax as well. I have a mirror that shows fewer wrinkles – I know – but others that make me dream of botox injections. I choose to see my image in the flattering mirror - of course. It’s how I perceive myself that matters. I love my magic mirror that truly is not so magical. It’s just hung in a place that doesn’t get much light so the flaws I see are minimal.
Do what you can with your surroundings to enhance each of your senses. When you see something out of place, a pair of shoes, or a piece of mail, get it to its proper spot. Keep your home visually pleasing, so when you move from one room to the next you can tell yourself, ‘This is nice’ and not, ‘I can’t wait to get out of here!’
Chairs and sofas against the wall might be how you arrange your room, but try bringing your furniture toward the center to make a cozy arrangement instead. Attempt feng shui if for no other reason than to display your pieces in unconsidered ways. Wall decor hung in perfect order can be boring, but too much of a good thing can overpower making your home look like a steakhouse instead. Flowers from the grocery store might be the only ones you ever get again, but rather than feeling low about this, purchase and enjoy. My ex sent me three dozen long-stemmed roses a month before he dumped me, followed by a dozen African violet plants a week before he left. Flowers I buy for myself mean a heck of a lot more than his did.
Fill your sense of sound with silence. Sometimes our days are so busy we long for nothing more than peace and quiet. No sound is beautiful after a day at work with middle school children and a P.A. system that’s louder than the Concorde. Mother Teresa said, ‘We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature – trees, flowers, grass – grow in silence; see the stars, the moon, and the sun, how they move in silence… we need silence to be able to touch souls.’ We need silence to hear those ideas coming from space. Once you feel a sense of peace, after a period of stilled-silence turn on some music that will motivate you to keep on moving. Turn off the TV and experiment with different genres of song you find free on-line from various radio stations.
A sixth sense we need to refine is our sense of seeing what others do not. Eugene Delacroix said, ‘The source of genius is imagination alone, …the refinement of the sense that sees what others do not see, or sees them differently.’ Use your senses, to rethink your life. Just like a business problem that needs a solution your life is in need of a creative overhaul. Be insightful, pro-active, and inventive using this sixth sense to develop a life you never before considered.
Know what you like. Know what fills your heart just like Gustav Klimt’s print fills mine. When I first discovered Der Kuss I fell in love. When I saw it time and again I knew I needed that print. When I found it at twelve bucks a pop it was mine for the taking. Of course we have to make do with what we have. Just because our pals are buying it doesn’t mean they deserve it any more than we do. Remember we don’t deserve a thing then consider your peace of mind. It is worth far more than the ‘stuff’ we long to own, that we toss within the year, to start all over again, just to be looking fresh and new.
Be grateful for your bed, and your ability to read. Be thankful for your table and the food to place upon it. Be appreciative for your blessings then go and make the best of what it is you have. Don’t compare, don’t ever compare. We weigh ourselves against hundreds of people and it seems they all have what we do not. Perhaps they do, or maybe just like when we were kids and thought everyone else was doing it, it really wasn’t the case. I grew up believing every teen past a certain age had sex, did drugs, and drank like sailors (you have to love my friends). In Canada, I believed all places on earth taxed their goods at an unimaginable 17% and a near 13% unemployment was the norm. But none of it was true. I met plenty of virgins in college, and even more health conscious kids. At seven percent our sales tax in America was a blessing and even now a 10% unemployment rate, though horrible, is still better than the thirteen percent my province faced years ago. Today, there are places in my province with a wickedly high 17% rate of unemployment. We see what we’re used to seeing. There is so much more going on than what we really notice. Open your eyes, fill your senses, and when you think this is as good as it gets, and it sure as hell isn’t enough, take your senses elsewhere and find for yourself a world that is all fresh and brand new. If you’ve got your health, a place to call home, good food, and someone to love, that’s all you really need. The rest is the fluff, the gravy on the potatoes, and the A/C in the car of life. Nice to have, but not necessary.
The senses do not deceive us, but the judgment does.
- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
When people see some things as beautiful,
other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.
Being and non-being create each other.
Difficult and easy support each other.
Long and short define each other.
High and low depend on each other.
Before and after follow each other.
Therefore the Master
acts without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Things arise and she lets them come;
things disappear and she lets them go.
She has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When her work is done, she forgets it.
That is why it lasts forever.
Tao Te Ching [2]
Recap/To Do:
Join a choir
Join a barbershop group
Chop up scented candles and melt them in a potpourri warmer
Simmer oranges, cinnamon, and cloves
Bake cookies, muffins, or an apple pie
Go to the art museum and jot down names of works of art then search the internet to get your copy. Make a collection of your favorite pieces or use good quality paper and cheap frames to hang a new collection.
Play this game of life with vim and vigor.
At least once, buy the MOST expensive toilet paper you can get
Keep yourself soft
Use fabrics of various textures
Make a crazy quilt of all kinds of textured fabrics
Buy 1,000 thread count sheets (
74. Seriously, what you would do if you had five years to live? Part of the excitement of life is in not knowing when it’s going to end. The cliché that God keeps us here until we’re finished with our assigned task doesn’t make sense. Too many people go to their grave never living, never loving, never adding to this world and keeping their reason for being unknown, even to themselves. God forbid if you had five short years to live, what would you be doing?
75. Forgiving is not as important as letting go. – There is a whole lot of talk these days about the importance of forgiving someone who does us harm. Forgiving I’ve learned can take on very different meanings. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines forgiving as being willing or able to forgive. Duh. Then it goes on to say forgiving is to allow room for error or weakness. I’m going to go out on a limb here where others may not agree, but I believe forgiving using this definition is in some way saying that what happened is okay when indeed it is not. Of course your husband doesn’t need to know you’ve forgiven him, but you need to be concerned with why and how you forgive. When both husbands dumped me I went through a period of sadness, mourning and then the expected forgiving. In order for me to find a place of forgiveness I had to see my husbands as weak and incapable of being decent human beings. I had to pity them and think they didn’t know better, and convince myself that they were giving the best they had to give. Now, years beyond my hurt, I realize neither men is weak nor incapable and neither deserved my forgiveness based on this definition. Sure, they both told me they were sorry, but only through anger and contempt. Neither was truly sorry and neither has ever apologized with sincerity or remorse. Forgiving others using Webster’s definition can make us internalize passivity like we felt on the playground when someone pushed us over. ‘It’s okay’, we said, and then we begin to believe it really was. Both of my husbands were self-serving and mean. Both were heartless and I don’t forgive either using this definition. Neither deserves it and I don’t think I need to give it in order to be happy. They are grown men. If they have weaknesses they’re choosing to hide behind them and that alone makes their behavior unforgivable. I had to find another way. For my own happiness I had to let it all go. I had to stop expecting a real apology. I had to stop caring about what they were doing or how their choices affected me. That is very different way, a healthier way, of forgiving than the method the dictionary suggests. Markus Zusak used a wise definition of forgiving in The Book Thief. ‘Forgiveness: to stop feeling anger, animosity, or resentment.’ By using this definition I have forgiven both men. Using the other definition requires that I pretend they are both are weak and less than knowing. Both know what they did. Both are very intelligent men. Neither of them are weak. Lazy perhaps, disinterested in finding a better way, but most certainly self-centered and undeserving of any excuses for their bad behaviors. Both men are strangers to me now and I hold no grudge toward them. I say let the hurt go. Let him go. Forgiveness? Choose your definition. The first one I think is naïve. The other is an absolute necessity.
Hobbies
Hobbies
Paintin’s not important. The important thing is keepin’ busy.
- Anna Mary Robertson Moses
Forgive me if I sound a bit nerdy, but I think it’s really important that each of us has a hobby, something that entertains us and keeps us busy. It doesn’t matter if we’re good at our chosen interest just as long as we enjoy doing it. It’s irrelevant if the hobby is pointless, crazy beyond the norm, or has no power in the whole scheme of things to make the world a better place. I recommend a healthy hobby so limits are a must. Collecting men, sniffing cocaine, or tipping the bottle are interests best left alone. Rather than taking on new problems channel your lost and confused energy toward something that will bring you pride. If your story makes the news make sure it’s one of those feel good spots that brings a smile and not one that brings shame and disgrace upon your family. I think you’ve already suffered enough. It’s time for something better. Just because it feels good probably isn’t the best evaluator, but you already know that anyway.
A Spanish proverb tells us, ‘The busy man is troubled with but one devil; the idle man by a thousand.’ Find for yourself a hobby if for no other reason than to protect yourself from the boredom that will ultimately set in when you find yourself living alone. Until I found good hobbies (and still on those days when I become restless), I repeated a quote by the Welsh poet, Dylan Thomas. He said, ‘Somebody’s boring me and I think it is me.’ Like everything else, responsibility is the name of the game. It can’t matter any more if Daddy was abusive, or if Mama was neglectful. It doesn’t matter that hubby was self-centered, and friends aren’t really friends. From now on, forever more, wherever you find yourself what matters most is accountability - yours and yours alone. Get interested in something that expresses your individuality like nothing else. The gamut of choices is massive ranging from the quiet peaceful practice of stamp-collecting to the passionate madness of intentionally jumping out of planes. Do both if both itches need scratched. Feed your yin and your yang while expanding your possibilities.
Hobbies add spice to our life. They help define our uniqueness and add a little eccentricity to our already exclusive personality. Hobbies lead us to others with similar interests, and give us pleasure and purpose beyond the computer or TV. No matter how effortless our pastime, even if it’s as simple as collecting marbles, a hobby gives us a sense of purpose. We are detectives when we collect, artists when we build, and we grow fearless when we step out on that figurative ledge again. Because hobbies can fill our lives with joy it’s important that we have one. Television doesn’t count. Hanging out by the pool doesn’t count. A passive life is an easy one, but oh my goodness it’s so boring and uninspiring.
Hobbyists have a different, deeper intent when heading out on an excursion than the person who goes along for the ride. The collector is on a mission searching here and there for a missing piece to match her cherished collection. While rummaging through shops the hobbyist seeks stimulation. In the back of her mind she is hoping a treasure will be found or an opportunity will be revealed. Like a hunter of fortune, a collector perseveres as she seeks to fulfill her mission.
If you have no idea what pumps you up and gets your juices flowing you’ll have to experiment. During this phase you might get discouraged. Just like trying to find Prince Charming and needing to kiss many a frog you may have to try different hobbies in order to find your fit. When you find that thing, be it music, film-production, candle-making, wood-working, writing, bridge, or whatever it is you enjoy, a whole new door to life will be opened. When you try something and it feels much to much like work, change it up, but don’t change too far. You chose the initial activity because it interested you, so reach a little farther and explore.
I began doing art by sketching. I’m not great at sketching, but with practice, I think I could be pretty good. I don’t practice though. It feels too much like a chore, so I changed it up a little. I added color to my work and tried my hand at oils. I enjoyed using oils, but spent most of my time in front of the canvas focusing on technique determined to make my work look just like the picture I was plagiarizing. In time I found that oils, though fun, weren’t giving me what I wanted. The results were dull and unimpressive. I took a chance at pastels, and although I still plagiarize I am finding a new carefree spirit that is coming out of nowhere. Yes, I know art enthusiasts would say, ‘What are you doing cheating like that?’ But I don’t care. I’m not trying to become the next Georgia O’Keefe. This is for me, and me alone. I have given myself a year to discover my art. Fifty pictures my goal. Almost one a week. Once I have completed twenty-five replicas I am going to become an original. It’s coming, I can sense that passionate artistic feeling blossoming, but it hasn’t happened over night. It’s happening because of practice, and nothing else.
Practice, practice, practice! Snap your fingers and your day is over, blink your eyes and the month is gone. If you practice every day for an hour you will experience incredible growth. Get off that computer. Stop wasting your time reading silly emails. Get involved in your life and grow. And don’t make any more excuses. Explore your options. Like mama used to say about vegetables, ‘How will you know if you don’t try?’
Since I have learned to be happy alone, I have no trouble filling my days. Even if my boys are gone I am almost always busy from six in the morning until lights out at midnight. Once upon a time when I worked I was busy, busy, busy, doing, doing, doing, and going nowhere. No growth, no change, no commitment to purpose. Socrates said, ‘Beware of the barrenness of a busy life.’ Don’t be busy going in circles creating for yourself a race that cannot be won. Round and round you go, never breaking from the routine, never improving upon your situation. Up in the morning we get and it’s on your mark, get set, go. Yes, I know my housecleaning advice is to do just that - get moving and get ’er done, but that’s because cleaning is a necessity and if you’re not fast it’ll eat up your entire life. Life should have a purpose therefore you should work every day toward growth. Even if your hobby is just for fun, work at ways to improve it so that what is your best today will look elementary in a year.
If you are determined to find a lifelong partner seek a hobby that is traditionally one sought by men. You’re not likely to find the man of your dreams at a quilting club, but perhaps he’ll be out on the golf course. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. If you don’t like golf don’t fake it just to snatch a lonely man. And stay away from the obits. Don’t become a woman who stalks the lonely widower (afraid another gal will get him) before his wife is cold. That’s a pretty creepy hobby. No - that’s a really creepy hobby. Find a pastime you love and if luck, the universe, fate, or God will have it, he’ll be there. If not, at least you’re doing something you enjoy. I have a friend who is a dog enthusiast. She found her sweetheart on-line at a site dedicated to dogs. They are both lovers of the four-legged beasts and that shared passion brings them closer together. She is a vet. He rescues dogs. A match made in Heaven it seems.
Be true to yourself. Listen to your inner voice that is pestering you to do something different. Be a Trekkie if you want or become a biker chick. You can be a bird watcher or a gambler instead. Get out the books and learn. Try new things if for no other reason than to exercise your brain. Light up the grill and be the best chef you can be, or study the universe and learn all you can about black holes. Practice throwing hoops, or become a paper art enthusiast. I keep hearing public speaking. Can you believe it? Toastmasters here I come! There are so many hobbies from which to choose. Choose at least one, and become an aficionado. Choose at least one and master a craft that defines you.
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
THINGS TO DO
(pick 2)
□ paint/draw/sketch
□ videos
□ Crafts
□ scrap-book
□ Jewelry
□ enter a competition
□ take tons of pictures
□ Sculpt
□ choose a subject and photograph only that
□ make a classy or silly home movie
□ knit scarf
□ make painted rugs
□ make a DO NOT disturb sign for your bedroom
□ make heirloom Christmas ornaments
□ press wild flowers
□ pottery class
□ Quilt
□ family heirloom
□ artist dates
□ collect buttons, ribbons, stickers, whatever
□ Collect music
□ Play an instrument
□ Cook
□ Decorate
□ Fish
□ Bike
□ Herbalist
□ Read
□ Dance
□ History buff
□ Naturalist
□ Naturist (
□ Journalist
□ Coffee
□ Wine
□ Teas
□ Chocolates
□ Wood work
□ Tat
□ Crochet
□ Needle-point
□ mosaic table
□ take 2 complete rolls of black and white film and make a perfect tic tac toe photo
□ Become a story teller
□ write a children’s book
□ pastel portrait
□ make a blog
□ do an oil painting
□ make Christmas cards
□ Calligraphy
□ download postage stamps of kids
□ Flower arranging
□ Beading
□ Sewing
□ Hook a rug
□ Creative family videos
□ Save up and get your pilot’s license
□ Sports – any kind
□ Know your shells
□ Garden
□ Photograph a collection of one thing – mailboxes, fire hydrants, birds, bottles
□ Choose one fruit or vegetable and draw, paint, photograph, use, decorate with, etc.
□ Study different wars
□ Become an Egyptologist
76. Divorce and a new perspective. – I crack up when I see men and women allowing silly things to anger, annoy, and make their blood pressure soar. After going through divorce, petty things don’t seem so important any more. My friend’s sister grew angry with him because he promised to clear a tree that had fallen at the beginning of the week. Her impatience got the best of her as she fumed and fussed until she hired someone else do the job before the week had ended. I know a man who criticizes the cheerleader sponsors if the girls don’t wear the same colored ribbons in their hair, even if they are wearing school colors. Serious problems, like divorce, put in perspective those things that truly matter. Divorce makes ridiculous tragedies fun to watch. After losing a man you loved, a felled tree, or a mismatched bow, doesn’t seem like such a big deal. A little misfortune does the soul good.
77. Study like a grown-up. - You may have been one of those rare kids who actually studied to learn. Not the one who worked hard to get good grades – to be number one - but the one who truly enjoyed learning. If you were a natural inquisitor there’s a good chance you still take pleasure in discovering the secrets of the world. If, however, you were the kid who squeezed by, or were more concerned with boys, there’s a good chance you’re zeal for learning disappeared in grade school and you probably have never recaptured that thrill. It seems once we left school too many of us gave up on learning. Let’s face it, the public school system does little to instill a passion for life-long learning. Einstein said, ‘Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death.’ Find a subject and learn all you can about it. When I realized my brain was still in good condition, I grew frantic because I wasted so much time. I knew I had to start somewhere so I began by reading one book at a time. There is too much in this world to know it all, but bit by bit I’m learning and with each new discovery I find a new interest that brings me joy.
78. How blessed you are, right now. – If you get nothing else out of this book, please get this. I cannot stress it enough because this is the only way I survived. When you’re feeling down and out, and you can’t get beyond your worries and fears, remind yourself how blessed you are right now. In the morning, if you wake with the heavy heart, stop for a second and remind yourself that you are here, and you are safe, and you are secure. Live in the now. Live without the sadness of the past or fear for the future. Both can bring you down. Right now, you’re good, alone, and okay. Thinking in the now was the only thing that helped me get beyond my brokenness. ‘One day at a time’, my mother encouraged me. I say, ‘One minute at a time’, if that’s all you can handle.
Entertain
&
Be Entertained
Entertain & Be Entertained
You cannot instruct people by a book how to entertain.....Success in entertaining is accomplished by magnetism and tact, which combined constitute social genius.”
- Ward McAllister
Since this book is all about having fun, it’s an absolute necessity to mention entertainment. What’s fun without fun? Like everything else, if we want to entertain or be entertained, a plan is an absolute must. Staying home - alone – should never be a long-term option. It’s time to get out with the living, or bring the living to you. If you’ve been blessed with the comfort of owning a home, it would serve your spirit well to share your blessings with others.
I have always felt fortunate to have a large yard, a good home, and the means to bring folks together. For years, before my break-up, our home was an active place alive with busyness and fun. Afterwards not so much. I hosted several post-divorce parties yet none were as successful as those I held with my husband – and he isn’t a partying kind of guy. Since he isn’t a party animal I figured I didn’t need him to throw a successful get-together, so I decided I’d have a big ta-do on my own. Let me tell you this partying diva was humbled in a big way when I did. What a difference when I hosted a shindig alone. Hardly anyone showed. Never before in my entire life had I been snubbed by so many. During this time I realized I, like Austin Powers the International Man of Mystery, had lost my mojo.
This party, the flop of which I speak, was an autumn scavenger hunt. I invited about a hundred families, expected fifty, and six showed. Ouch! I had no idea how many people to prepare for because in my town hardly anyone acknowledges they’ve been invited. The money I spent unnerves me. Never had I given a party where so many people had better things to do. I can imagine you thinking, ‘What’s she complaining about? Six families showed. She should be grateful.’ Of course I am thankful for the families who came and we had fun, but most of the others didn’t even acknowledge that they had been invited. That broke my heart. That, I thought, was rude. That I chalked up to a definite clash of cultures.
Interestingly enough, a couple of months following my failed party, one of my invited guests – one who didn’t attend but did send regrets - called me up to ask for my scavenger hunt preparations. She wanted to give my hard work to another guest who didn’t show. One who didn’t even respond. Huh? No, I did not share my preparations. Maybe a bigger person would have, since (I’m ashamed to admit) it was for a youth group – the same group of kids who were also invited to my party. I have a feeling I won’t ever be that big, church or not. Those were really bad manners if you ask me, or again, a clash of cultures. I’m not sure. What I do know is that this particular scavenger hunt was the biggest bummer of a party I have ever thrown in my entire life, but it didn’t get any better.
I changed my plan. I started hosting a Friday afternoon happy hour hoping to build camaraderie with my colleagues. It lasted a month. During those four Fridays a group of five or six women came to my house to eat and drink and chat after work. The purpose was to have a couple of hours to unwind while building friendships in the process. My invitations always included men and always stated a four to six time limit. But every time only women showed - no surprise - and someone always stayed way beyond the six o’clock deadline. That was the beginning of the end for me. Initially I hoped that folks would come, unwind, laugh up a storm, leave, and share the responsibility by taking their turn to host, or at least by bringing something to eat. Although the occasional can of peanuts, or bag of chips was shared, and the interest seemed sincere, the happy hour plan became a downer really fast. Not only did the expense become far too much for me to carry on my own, the group quickly became one of divorcees who were having a tough time getting over their pain. Rather than two hours of jollies and fun Happy Hour became eight to ten hours of therapy. I wanted nothing to do with such a group. I was one of these women too and I wanted out. The group had become one of weary women, good women, but those who were wounded and sad. Happy Hour at Nancy’s was anything but, so it wasn’t long before Nancy closed her door to this group forever.
A couple of years ago I tried again. Although I was horribly sad, and very lonesome I believed the only way for me to get over my despondency was to entertain. I was wrong. I invited three women for coffee and even though it was a nice break in the day the spirit was missing and it was lacking in me. Following the social I was left downtrodden because again I was expecting others to give me what I needed. The recipe for disaster was all in the making. The ladies were lovely. They did nothing to cause the emptiness I felt within. The hole was there before they came and when they left it was obvious to me I still had work to do. Frustrated that I couldn’t bring my pals together, and disappointed that our time wasn’t filled with laughter, I had to face the hard reality that my mojo was still missing in action.
After the disastrous scavenger hunt, the failed happy hour get-togethers, and the lackluster coffee, I gave up entertaining. My heart and soul were no longer interested in trying to form bonds in my town. Things have changed since those get-togethers. I have changed. And although my interest in entertaining in this town has all but fizzled away, by writing this book I have been forced to look at my life without pity or without blame. I have learned not to depend on anyone else for my joy whether they come to my parties or not. Aristotle said, ‘Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient.’ Since my attitude now reflects a spirit of plenty and not one of lack, I know my parties would be good again if I cared enough to host them. I’m not interested here any more. Until I find my foot in a brand new state, my partying days are over. I know what I want. I know the kinds of parties I will give. I know the type of people with whom I want to spend my time, and they’re not here.
Last night, I held a small get together at my home. Eight were invited, six showed. One called to give her regrets, the other emailed to say something urgent would prevent her from coming. Already that’s an improvement from the last few parties I’d hosted. We had a nice evening, but until I heard from my guests, I half-expected I’d be partying alone. Pre-divorce Nancy never would have worried about whether her guests would show. She knew to expect all, and if they didn’t come, she’d get along fine without them. Pre-divorce Nancy only extended her guests two invitations. If twice in a row they didn’t come, she never sent another, unless of course, circumstances kept the intendeds from coming. There are lots of people who prefer staying home and we didn’t want to be pushy. The small gathering I hosted last night made me fretful. I was prepared for the worst but I also felt a sense that those bad party days are behind me.
I find my town an odd place for socializing. In the fourteen years I have lived here I have yet to figure out what it is that brings these people together. Until we moved to America we socialized often with our Canadian comrades. We came from a place where it was normal to break bread, raise a glass, and have a good time with ones friends. Pubs are plentiful and getting together with those you love, to let your hair down, is a way of life. This town, however, with its strange to me customs is a mystery I doubt I’ll ever understand. Where I came from an invitation is a given and acceptance of that invitation not a question. Here few respond and even fewer show up. It is a strange party town and for me a difficult one to win over. There is a lot of show here and what I perceive to be uptight social standards. I’ve rarely been able to tap into the ordinary, laidback lives of my guests and even though my small get-together was fine, it lacked the richness, the fullness, the fun I had experienced so long ago in my other life when fighting over the karaoke machine to sing ‘A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh’, was expected. Here, no one would fight. The mike would be ignored on the table. The only party I’ve ever thrown in this town with honest-to-goodness laughter was a sex toy party. Strange, I know, deep in the Bible Belt. The women were hilarious. There was nothing ostentatious about anyone that night.
Bringing people together - what could be more enjoyable? Years ago, I adopted a line as my party mantra, something I heard from a comedian. He said, ‘Always leave them wanting more.’ Divorce made me a woman who left my guests wanting to get away from me. We entertain to give to others. We entertain to build alliances, friendships, and support in a world that needs as much help as it can get. We don’t entertain to build ourselves up when we’re feeling down like I was trying to do. That kind of energy will only cause disappointment. I enjoy socializing. Although, it doesn’t give me the high I once got, spending time with friends is an important part of life.
Use your imagination to plan at least one celebration every five years. Find ways to bring your guests together. Give a surprise party for one friend or host a birthday celebration for yourself and invite everyone you know. Don’t wait for someone else to think of you. You could be waiting a lifetime.
One of the very best parties I ever hosted was a surprise birthday celebration for my husband’s thirtieth. We had a great time eating, drinking, playing games, then ending the evening with a variety show. The losers of the games had to entertain the winners. With many shots of courage and a whole lot of laughter, groups of four brought to their audience a show like no other. Some sang the blues in fedoras. Others with top hats and canes strutted their stuff while swooning alcohol-filled renditions of Liza’s, ‘New York’. One group of men wore coconut bras and garbage bag grass skirts, while moving their hips in perfect precision. We laughed all night long. Somewhat in awe, but a wee bit worried we grew that Omi, the eccentric lady from across the street (who swore she attended events with Prince Charles, kept her dead dog in her freezer, and swam the lake in our cold Canadian winters), was not really smoking what she dismissed as ‘camel shit’ but instead something less than legal. For Omi, I’m sure, the smoking wasn’t a big deal, nor was it to us except for the fact it was smoked in the presence of our friend - the cop. It was a memorable evening and boy oh boy I sure do miss the fun. I won’t ever have a party like that in this town. Ever. But I will persevere and find for myself a place that shares my kind of fun.
Research how to host a party but don’t get caught up in trying to be the perfect hostess, or in spending ridiculous sums of money. Be real to you, and be happy. A happy hostess, will bring out the best in her guests.
Maybe you don’t have an inclination to entertain. You’d rather be entertained. Having others take care of our fun is awesome, but hosting a shindig is a whole lot more rewarding especially when the guest list has great chemistry. We all need something big to look forward to and if you don’t plan, another week, another month, and then of course the year will be gone and still you will have nothing exciting to add to your calendar. Besides your big goals that you set for yourself, your purpose, your competitions, your talents, your books, etc. include as a goal entertainment.
If money is tight remember it’s okay to stay home doing your own thing. Invite a family to watch a movie and split the cost of a pizza. Make a meal and call upon your neighbors to share. That’s still entertaining. Years ago, back in Canada, it was not unusual to get an invitation at four in the afternoon to bring the family over for burgers. It was normal to call up your friend on a moment’s notice, inviting them over for coffee. Although things weren’t perfect, you could always count on someone who was willing to work at being a friend. Man-o-man, I sure do miss those days.
Hear no evil, speak no evil - and you'll never be invited to a party
~ Oscar Wilde
79. What is it about Victoria Secret? – Nearly every woman I know who has gone through divorce spent crazy money on sexy lingerie. What’s up with that? I wasn’t going to entice a gay man because I had a new velvet bra with matching panties, but I bought my share of undies anyway. I don’t get it. Maybe we just want to feel good and carry ourselves with confidence. No harm in that just as long as we don’t buy shares in the company. Do what you need to do to feel good about yourself, but remember the consequences of spending too many dollars. Find a discount store if it better suits your budget then buy all the intimates you need to help get beyond feeling inadequate.
80. Funks are going to happen. – This past week was the first back to school for my two oldest boys. It’s a hard week for a mother and this mom goes into a funk every year, at the same time, when my boys take off from home. My life suffers when I get the doldrums, and my work reflects my mood. I have to rewrite a zillion times so that it doesn’t mimic my foul disposition. I don’t like funks, but they’re going to happen and when they do, I get busy. Instead of accepting my bad temper, feeling down and out about it, I get up and I get moving. Busy your mind and change your activity often, if you have to, and keep focused on something besides the sadness that overwhelms. Accept that foul moods are a part of life. Don’t let yourself feel worthless when they happen. Let the funks come along, face them head on, and before you know it, the storm will have passed on by.
81. What’s so great about being married to a gay man? – Nothing.
82. We’re not fickle. We’re human. Victor Frankl said, ‘The meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment.’ One minute we’re best friends with someone, a week later they’re getting on our nerves. We want the man, yet we’re happy the change has happened. We’re sad, we’re happy, we’re downtrodden, and on top of the world, all in a single day. Normal we are. That’s all.
52 Cheap Things to do
One a Week
Who wants to go out for fun ALONE???? I’m betting hardly anyone. But if we’re alone, we’ve got to go. Going it alone makes us anxious. Someone will judge us. We won’t be safe. It’ll be boring. These are things we tell ourselves convincing ourselvs that movie and popcorn at home is all we need. With that kind of thinking we’ll spend years in front of the TV. Trust me, I know, I did just that. No one is looking at you simply because you’re alone and if they are, and if they judge, let them. If you’re alive, someone is judging you. This old world can be scary. Going to the grocery store could be the end of it for you so traveling to the dance club shouldn’t be postponed because of fears. Last of all, boring is what you make of it. Simple as that.
1 . Antiquing
2. Wine tasting
3. Explore a historical landmark in your town
4. Visit the art museum in the nearest city
5. Go to a fabric store to find inspiration
in textures, colors, designs
6. Movie
7. Ice cream at an expensive ice cream shop
8. Home pedicure
9. Facial
10. Tub soak
11. Phone a far away friend
12. Martini night at home
13. Trashy novel – in the park with a picnic
14. Music festival
15. Library
16. Photograph weekend
17. Farmer’s Market
18. Flea Market
19. Ghost tour
20. Local Play
21. Auction
22. Magic Shop
23. Dance Club
24. Yard Sale
25. Shakespeare in the Park
26. Renaissance Festival
27. People watch at Starbucks
28. Arts and crafts store
29. Second hand shop
30. Vintage shop
31. Try a new church
32. Hunt for prettiest Christmas lights
33. Go on a Walmart lingerie spree
34. Sketch weekend
35. Goodwill shopping
36. Car Auction
37. Night Court
38. Bowling
39. Try a new to you mall
40. Money Free Weekend
KEEPING UP APPEARANCES
KEEPING UP APPEARANCES
Women are always beautiful.
~Ville Valo
I know, I know. Who cares what others think? I’ve spent a lot of time in this book focusing on what you think rather than how the outside world judges. And I’ve used a whole lot of trust in that recommendation expecting you to work at building a life centered around goodness instead of becoming an egotistical narcissist who goes out of her way to take from people what she can get because, ‘Who cares what others think?’
If it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks why would I include a section on ‘Keeping up Appearances’? I have, because how we look, how we are perceived by the outside world, influences how we think about ourselves, and I’m not just talking about all the frills on the outside, although our outerwear does tell a story.
When Husband the First left I read incessantly. I couldn’t get enough information about what the hell just happened. I needed answers and he wasn’t interested in giving me any. I wanted to know how he ‘became’ a homosexual and I wanted to know why I married a gay man. I did find answers. Enough to satisfy my curiosity and although I’m sure the ‘facts’ I read, by today’s standards, are now just ancient theories I needed an explanation as to what was taking place. I read of a potential spot on the X-chromosome linked to homosexuality. I read it once and although I don’t know if it’s true I searched no further because that was a good enough reason for me. It seems I married the guy because he felt safe. He wasn’t ever going to hurt me. Oy vey . Both answers, to me, made a whole lot of sense and both helped me realize the fat lady had sung the final song. The curtain had fallen and the show was over no matter what I wanted.
Despite the grand finale in that reading I learned something pretty freaky. Apparently when a straight woman marries a gay man she will sometimes take on the role of the guy and her dress will reflect that position. I looked down at myself and instantly wanted to scream. Sure enough my style had changed. As did his. His clothes were becoming more feminine just as mine had become more manly. Ahhh. Immediately I thought: “Oh my word woman. Are you gay and now just realizing it?’ Without delay I asked myself, ‘Who would you rather go out with, Cindy Crawford or (before his infamous behaviors) Mel Gibson?’ Instantly, with a small smile on my lips, I reacted with a pleasant thought when Mel was my imaginative possibility (I do pick ’em, don’t I?). I would love to look like Cindy, but date? Not so much. I was creeped out a bit to say the least because I had no idea I was projecting this mannish image.
Now I’ll admit although I like to get made-up, compared to lots of women, I’ve never been a fashionista. My mama never cared about make-up or style. She had no interest in training her girls about style, trends, or looks. She didn’t think outward appearances were important so long as one was neat, tidy, and clean. She thought embellishments were frivolous and extravagant and make-up an unnecessary vanity.
Mom was right, of course. Fashion is little more than a whole lot of vanity, but it’s still tremendous fun to get dolled up and put our best forward when we can. I used to try my best to be trendy, so if I believed getting fancy was fun, how did I let myself dress so much like a guy? And how long had I been dressing this way? Was I always a little more conservative in my style, choosing suits to ruffles and is that what turned him on? Was a boyish girl and is that what attracted him to me? Oh my goodness it haunted me that my clothes portrayed the role I was living. Denim I wore, always. Pants, dark colors, flannel and t-shirts were the only fashions I wore. The frills were gone, the accessories not a consideration, and at the time it had nothing to do with money.
After two years in America, and no longer paying for two homes, we were beginning to see a reprieve from financial worry. Then came divorce. Too late. I had already experienced a taste of a good life free from struggles with money. With that small morsel, for a short time after he left, I wanted more. New things made me feel pretty and good quality clothing made me feel stylish. I wanted to be beautiful, and fine-tuned so I spent money, more than I had ever spent on myself. By this time I had already learned I was dressing like a boy and I had to get rid of that image. I needed to feel good, and by golly buying pretty things made that happen. I felt great spending beau coups of money, and from my perspective, I spent a lot. Never before, or since, have I purchased so many pieces of intimate apparel. Not the cheap stuff either. I bought from Victoria Secret. One, two, three, ten bras at a time, with matching panties - of course. I purchased dresses, and miniskirts, and gorgeous feminine clothing. Lots of it, again from Victoria Secret. It wasn’t cheap, by my standards, but I bought it anyway. And although I was more miserable than I had ever been I sure looked good and a whole lot more girly than I had looked in a very long time.
Every bit of my spending was emotional. Not because I was trying to get back at him. The pragmatic me saw our bills as a joint commitment and I didn’t work. At the time, I thought he’d be back. I believed it was a phase he was going through (. I surely didn’t think I ‘deserved’ anything new. My esteem was so low I believed I was getting exactly what I deserved when he left. I had a humongous hole that needed filled and shopping seemed, at the time, to fill it. I shopped like an addict needing one outfit then the next just to find a some kind of happiness. In all honesty I didn’t go too crazy. Having shopped at discount stores for most of my life I found it hard to pay high-ticket prices for quality garbs when I could get a poser down the street for a quarter of the price. Thank heavens I didn’t have a chance to become too comfortable living a life of luxury. A nibble was quite enough for me.
Our outward appearances do tell a story, and our styles are reflective of our personalities. Take a look around you and notice the fashions that are worn by the gals you know. Myself, I’m a monochromatic dresser. I prefer a good solid color to a busy piece of work. When I observe my colleagues it’s easy to spot their individual styles. There is the trend-setter, the striped gal, the classy lady, the bargain basement woman, the ruffles teacher, and the one who wears clothes because they are required. If we had a room filled with garments by style alone it would be easy to dress these women.
Take a really good look at your wardrobe. I know because money is scarce there’s not likely much you can do to revamp it, but do take notice to see if your wardrobe has become a drab collection that reflects your mood. I went through what one friend called my Johnny Cash phase. I wore black always, as if I was in mourning. I was in mourning, but I didn’t realize my look had become so depressing.
I am still a black, white, gray monochromatic kind of gal, but I am forcing myself into colors. The neutrals combine easily, they make a stylish hit, and by the time I can buy more, my basics are in need of replacement. But my mood no longer feels dull and gloomy. I need a little color in my life. Bit by bit, I’m adding pinks, greens, reds, and blues to my collection. Take a look at your wardrobe. What kind of story do your clothes tell? Is it a happy compilation or one that screams out to the world that you suffer?
Now let’s take a look at that face of yours. I don’t know about you, but I cannot hide my emotions. My face, like my life, is an open-book. I mask nothing. I am who I am. I’m good. I’m bad. And I’m a whole lot more of what lies in between. I am not a fraud. I’d never get away with it. I have nothing to hide anyway. I am not a fine-tuned, well-oiled machine. I am an artistic, passionate, insane kind of gal and far too often I let my emotions show.
When Husband the First left me that passion grew and strange things started to happen. Every single Caucasian man I saw, every one of them, I totally believed was gay. I would look at their faces and think, ‘Hell, you can’t hide it from me. I know your dirty little secret.’ Crazy, I get it and incredibly vain. I was projecting the anger I had for my husband toward every white man I encountered. Every single one of them: my friends, my preacher, my classmates and professors. I was disgusted by the lot of them, and not because I thought they were gay. I thought them despicable because I believed they were trying to hide it. Just the white guys mind you. I grew incredibly attracted to other races. When I heard my teacher talk with love of his wife, I thought, ‘Yeah right.’ But one day I realized, this guy really and truly loved her. Maybe all white guys weren’t gay, but I still knew they were evil.
My face showed it. My appearances were less than hospitable. I was attracted to men, yet they terrified me. I would give the ‘come hither’ look and when I received a response of interest, I’d quickly shoot one of ‘stay the hell away’. Mixed messages were being sent by a very mixed up woman. At work, while doing my student teaching, a colleague, a man who wanted nothing more from me than a respectable working relationship, opened my eyes to who I had become. I was taken aback when he asked, ‘Whoa, what did I do to deserve that look?’ I had no idea I had given him ‘the’ look. That was a knock on the side of my head, and I knew I had to do better. He is a good man and was not a threat to me at all. I had to get rid of my fear of men, if for no other reason than because I was raising three by myself – I knew they weren’t all bad. I was being horribly unfair, judging all guys based on the bad ones from my past.
Then there is the age thing. The reality is a middle-aged mama, a single woman with kids normally isn’t all that appealing to most guys. That’s just the truth, as ugly as it is, and you know it as I do. Guys our age, no matter our age, are looking for a pretty young women without a ton of baggage and unfortunately beyond thirty-five those of us with a slew of kids we’re oftentimes more than a guy is wanting. I know, I know! Women of all ages can find a sweetheart, well into her golden years, but truth be told the opportunities are fewer and farther between. It’s a hard ‘truth’ to face when we realize we’re not the cute thing we once were. We’ve got baggage, and suspicions, and independence, and although we might like ourselves a whole lot better, we’re not vulnerable, nor naïve and we’re not near as likely to put up with the stuff we did when we were a more tightly packed, optimistic kid in our twenties. We’re not as malleable. We’re not as easy. We’re not as gullible. Don’t despair. Remember, a life filled with love and a spirit that is positive, giving, and pro-active is an incredible aphrodisiac no matter your age. Attitude – a good one – a happy one- a confident one – a flirtatious one - is the biggest turn on, no matter how you cut it.
When my first husband left, one of my friends was angered that he had the gall to take from me ‘my best years’ for finding love. I was taken aback by her comment. My best was already over?? I was only thirty-five years old! No way! I knew my best was yet to come, not over! I thought to myself I am a good catch. I’m fun. I look okay when I put in the effort. I’m not hard to get along with, so any guy would be glad to have a chance with me. Oh how conceited! And oh how wrong. Aside from the fella I married, one guy called. The one known in town as the man who scouts the paper for recent deaths and divorces (and at last count has been married five times – getting close to the state limit). Two friends – only two mind you - in ten years – have set me up with their friends. One man from the north reminded me far too much of my brother, and the other had the unfortunate experience of spending time with me shortly after my second divorce. That was about five years ago, and that’s been it, save for the guy who got his friend to ask if I’d run away for the week. I did not. My pal was right. My best years for finding love are behind me and I know that cultural differences do not help. I’m no more attracted to most of the guys in this town than they are attracted to me. I’m more attracted to guys from the north. I just can’t help it.
If love seems to be avoiding you consider Emerson’s words. "The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles." Live your life knowing, you’ve got something special waiting for just the right guy(s). Yes, our skin will lose its luster faster than we expect. The sags, slouches and liver spots will come quicker than we hoped, but that attitude, that one big deal, will give you the confidence to say pish posh to the whole crazy worry about your past and losing in love. Sure, there are times I look at myself and I am saddened that I lost so many years without knowing any better. Then there are times I look and I think, I’m content with how my looks are fading. Just like my old car, my run down house, and my faded wardrobe, I am slowly wearing out. But like my car, my house, and my wardrobe, there is something incredibly satisfying in the security each has provided. At the risk of sounding cliché, I look and think I’ve earned each and every flaw.
Divorce ages us. I stopped eating, I never slept, and to this day I still drink lots of coffee. For two years straight I took meds so I could get some sleep. Four years later, I was taking anti-depressants and pills again to get some rest. I stressed. I aged and I aged fast. I lost hair by the handful and my jaws ached with pain. Suffering does that to us. I have survived some very painful times almost completely on my own, with very few shoulders to cry on and although many would say they were here, the truth of the matter is they weren’t. Through the first divorce, I had help. During the second, when I know I suffered a breakdown, I had next to no support at all. That’s a hard reality, because I know should something more serious happen, I have no one with whom I can depend. At the time, I wasn’t coping. I was alone save for one friend who checked on me when she could and my Canadian allies with whom I could count on to listen from afar. I have been alone during the most frightening periods of my life, yet I have survived.
As a survivor, my bodily flaws are war wounds - though I wish I didn’t have - I’m proud to own. They remind me not only that I suffered, but more importantly that I suffered and I survived. Now, surviving is no longer enough. It’s time for me to prove there is a whole lot more to me than survival. Julius Caesar said, ‘Vini, Vidi, Vici.’ I came, I saw, I conquered. It’s time for me to use my gifts to help humanity if only in my own little part of the world. Then, maybe, just maybe, the doors of opportunity will open and I can finally have that life for which I’m dreaming.
Appearances do matter. Giving your all to life includes being as full a human being as possible. Be aware of how you present yourself. Yes, we only get one chance to make a first impression, but don’t be too hard on yourself if that first impression is a flop. Once upon a time when I first met folks I loved every single soul I met. I saw their goodness always, but by visit three or four, I thought, ‘Damn, who is this crazy person?’ First appearances really don’t mean much, so if you goof, do better and start all over again. Take pride in presenting to the world, a woman who knows what she’s doing and one who knows exactly where she’s going to go.
‘Outward beauty is not enough; to be attractive a woman must use words, wit, playfulness, sweet-talk, and laughter to transcend the gifts of nature.’
- Petronius
83.. Is there a reason for this? It’s easy to say no, stamp your feet and go on whining your life away. But it’s equally just as easy to create a reason for your predicament. Why do you suppose you are you spending your best years all alone? Myself, I needed this time to heal a very broken Nancy. I knew I was dumb. I knew I was inadequate. I knew I was little Miss Negative Nancy. Now, with lots of learning, I know that I was wrong. I am not dumb, I am far from inadequate, and only once in a blue moon, do I hear from that negative gal. Nowadays I care what I think of me. I’ve learned to have patience. I’ve learned about life. I’ve found interests that before I never noticed. This time alone, although has been difficult, has provided me with a much needed opportunity for growth. I am growing into a woman with a tremendous amount of self-respect. I like me, finally, after all these years. I find it very funny that the more I like me, the fewer friends I have. There is a reason for this time you spend alone. If you cannot figure out what it is, make it up.
84. Appreciating Men? There’s an awful lot of hype nowadays about why men cheat. Apparently, they cheat because they don’t feel appreciated. As a twice divorced woman, forgive me dear men, I find this a pitiful excuse. When both husbands were in my life, both relationships eventually became real, and ultimately the honeymoons ended. I’ll admit there were instances I didn’t appreciate either men because there were times neither of them did anything that deserved my bow-down. Yes, they worked, but so did I. I didn’t get my back patted nor did I expect it. I did what I had to do because it had to be done. Appreciation, like respect, is earned and although there are plenty of well-deserving men of honor I believe many well-intentioned mamas break their sons by spoiling their boys rotten, so that when they become the head of their household they expect their partners to treat them the same way. With so many single women raising sons these days I fear we’re producing a generation of too many self-serving, whiny little boys and not enough hard-working, reputable men of integrity who deserve our respect and appreciation. If he left and he said you never appreciated him, perhaps it’s the truth. If he’s the kind of guy who left without discussion, more than likely you were warranted in not appreciating him. Years ago, the cliché woman complained she wasn’t appreciated. Have our roles changed? One night at a club I asked a college boy, an average looking young man, why he wasn’t pursuing the beautiful women in the room. He responded, ‘They’ll come to me. I don’t have to do anything.’ Something is definitely different. Somehow, passing blame to the woman when her husband fools around makes for a pitiful excuse of a man who doesn’t deserve anyone’s appreciation. There are hard-working, respectable, solid men of veracity on this planet. These are the men who deserve our appreciation. The others, if they want to be appreciated, like everything else, they have to earn it. Good looks, charm, and a gigantic self-esteem just aren’t qualities worthy of anyone’s admiration.
85. Learn from your kids for the rest of your life. My boys kept me young when they were home. They taught me about technology and new hip and happenin’ things. (my expression – not theirs). Now that two of my three sons have headed out into the great unknown, I still learn from my boys. I get inspired by their fearless dedication and willingness to step out on a limb. This spring, my eldest signed a book contract. He is the inspiration behind this book. During the summer months, the two oldest took off on an adventure of work and play in Ireland. Not only do they have a passion for writing and travel, they get more out of their every day life than I can imagine. If they’re not in class or doing homework they are at the gym, writing novels, short stories, or developing comic book heroes. Never are they dull, and rarely are they bored. When someone extends an invitation, it’s not often they decline whether they are being invited to an afternoon of fishing, a concert hours away, a game of racquetball, or a night of dancing with their friends. Watch your children so you can remember how to live.
Journal
Journal
When my journal appears, many statues must come down.
- Arthur Wellesley
Tallulah Bankhead said, ‘It’s the good girls who keep the diaries; the bad girls never have time.’ It does seem that the bad girls are too busy to write and those who are good, they do appear to spend a lot of time twiddling their thumbs. It makes sense then that those good girls, if they want to have fun, they’re going to have to push themselves further to become a little more bad. Now I’m not suggesting you go and find Ms. Bankhead’s kind of fun, but you can’t deny that it could be an awakening to loosen the chains, and throw caution to the wind in order to make life more enjoyable. I’m not talking scandal, mistreating others, or ruining your good reputation, but you know as I do we all have it in us to be a little more daring, and a whole lot more fun. Imagine the deliciously wicked tales you could make for yourself. Like the heroines in our novels what we need is some spunk, a smidgen of bravery, and a whole lot of drive to make of this life what we can.
No doubt about it those ‘bad’ girls with a ‘good’ attitude are in a better place emotionally than those of us starting from scratch. While they’re out playing, having the time of their lives, we’re stuck in the muck looking over the mess in our own. Like an upturned puzzle, our life has its pieces scattered all over the place, but because it’s our life we have to get it together and stop worrying about the ‘what could have’ and ‘what should have’ beens. We must get serious and decide how we plan to move forward. Socrates said, ‘The unexamined life is not worth living’. It seems then worth our effort to examine our days if for no other reason than to see if we’re making progress. Are we are moving ahead, or are we still spinning our wheels, stuck in the mud-pit of life?
I have no shame in admitting that my story is a dull one, and unfortunately my journal reflects that plot. I haven’t had any clandestine love affairs (or have I?), and for now there isn’t any gossip in the making. (Rats!) There are days I think, ‘Dang, I haven’t done a thing today worth recording.’ Then I remind myself that my life, every bit of it, the dull, the tedious, the routine, is part of living, and I realize my life deserves my respect. I give it my attention by recording events that have happened, while remaining determined to follow my plan in hopes that my life will one day make sense. In order for that eureka moment to happen, I’m documenting my story in the making. Chapter one, chapter two, and so forth. This particular chapter – one I’ll call eleven - reminds me of a tedious Russian novel. It’s a long one with nothing climactic to report. I can easily see that it’s time for some excitement and I’m diligently working in that direction.
Journaling is a tool that can be used to keep track of our emotions. My entries for an entire year showed how lonely I had become. I was gloomy, unhappy, and sad. At the end of the year I counted my fun and there was hardly any. Ten percent at the most and that’s pushing it. My personal life was in disarray, my work environment was horrendous, and loneliness was eating a huge, gigantic hole right through the core of my heart. After reading my journal I realized I needed more. The truth was on the paper. I couldn’t deny any longer what I had seen.
In order to keep a quick check on your moods record your daily attitude in your journal. Assume that the top of your page represents your best day ever and the bottom stands for the worst. Every day document your disposition between these points by marking a small line along the side in a place that reflects your feelings. You might be surprised by what you discover. If I see two days in a row when I am out-of-sorts I know an attitude adjustment is needed. Putting my feelings on paper makes me accountable for who I am while keeping me determined to find a better way.
There are many ways to journal. This book is one format. Write your own. Every single person should inscribe their book of thoughts. A counselor once told me we all have a desire to be understood. I feel misunderstood by every single person I know. Every one of them. For most of my life I found myself always explaining my choices until finally I said to myself, ‘Why do I care if they get me?’ I expect I’m not alone, but in writing this book, even if no one ever reads it, I feel validated. I think someone, somewhere gets me, and that someone, somewhere (me) realizes there is a whole lot more to who I am than what others might perceive. It’s my belief that determines whether I am happy or not. It’s my belief that matters if I intend to make a difference.
What does it matter if anyone ever reads your book? Sure we all want money, but money is the bonus, if we’re lucky. Just write. Julia Cameron, in The Artist’s Way, suggests we write every day for half an hour. She recommends a free-flowing session of our thoughts. Get your beliefs on paper and release your worries for the day. That could be your journal. My mother keeps a diary. Every day she writes a fragment of her day. Other people create monthly entries that are beautiful works of art. Get on-line and find inspiration through journals others have created. My journal is a cartoon snippet of my life, but I am ready to change my style. I started four years ago, and even though I have a nice collection of daily happenings, since I’ve decided to make my life a work of art my journal has to join me.
There are days I get lazy and I consider giving up on my journal. Several times I’ve thought about taking a week’s vacation from my writing. I know that would be the beginning of the end and I have grown to enjoy my scrapbook, comic book story. I never want it to be finished. Sometimes I think I give too much time to my journal. I’d rather be out in the world becoming a little more bad than drawing my dreary chapter eleven. Then I remind myself that just like getting my run in, or my painting practice done, I feel good when my journal work is completed. I’ll admit, much like my students, I don’t always give my best. When I’d rather do something else I work fast then I get on with living. On such days I am less artistic, more succinct, and only concerned with getting the day down on paper. But it gets done. I don’t expect perfection everyday but if I goof, and it looks horrible, I fix it up when I feel more inclined to sketch. My journal has become a spiritual practice for me. I feel very blessed to have another day to add to my life and I feel obligated to treasure the gift I have been given, even if that day is uneventful. A dull day is still better than none at all.
An added bonus in keeping a journal is that it gives me something tangible to remind me that yesterday, and the day before really and truly happened. Before I began journaling my history disappeared within days. I couldn’t remember what took place yesterday much less a year ago. Having my picture journal makes it easy for me to see when I last gave blood, had my most recent mammogram, and how many days I have given to this book. I know when I had my last tetanus shot, and when my tires need rotated. I’ve included in my journal recollections for my boys, including concerts they’ve attended, games they’ve played, and practice driving sessions, including the look of fear on my face. I put in my book whatever I think will one day trigger a fond memory.
Some people include photos, montages, and pieces of art in their journals. I collect newspaper clippings, cartoons, quotes, and ticket stubs to shows I’ve attended. I’ve pasted in fortunes from cookies that gave us great laughs, and poems and letters written for me. I’ve inserted comic strips and attached my gallon donation pin. I want to collect as many as I can before I can no longer give. Strange that I added an obituary of a woman I never knew. It was the most beautiful, poetic, loving tribute I have ever read. I have no idea why I read it. I think because her picture caught my eye. Thank you and business cards, doctors’ appointments, and photos of projects I’ve completed are things I’ve glued within the pages of my journals. I have recorded my annual list of goals, the long inventory of books I’ve enjoyed, and those I’m determined to read. When a big event takes place in the world, in my journal it goes, lest I forget. Other things to include are PIN numbers, passwords, prayer verses and song lyrics. Create your mission statement, record your vitals, fill out your family tree, and keep a record of shots – both for your children and you. My journal is a wealth of information for me, and hopefully one day for my grandkids. I trust that in time they will have a chance to see their daddy as the child he was and I hope they will learn from their passionate grandma, so not to repeat her mistakes. These days, instead of giving up on my journal when I get lazy I remind myself I wish I had started sooner.
Daniel Price, in his teeny tiny book How to Make a Journal of Your Life, reminds us that it’s not necessary to journal everyday. I force myself only because I know if I neglect one day the next is even easier to ignore. If I don’t feel like sketching I jot down what was done before the memory is lost forever (usually within two days). When I watch television I get caught up. Only you know the kind of commitment you can give to your journaling. If you have no more time to give than a jot, then jot down the day before it is lost forever. Perhaps one day, after the voyage of discovery is complete, you’ll become like Ms. Bankhead whom, I suspect, had no time, nor desire, and no interest in leaving behind any evidence. I cannot wait!
Journal writing is a voyage to the interior.
- Christina Baldwin
86. Little things mean so much – Thirty-plus years ago my grandmother and I visited my aunt in Boston. On that trip I met Aunt Bessie’s friends, Henry and Winifred. I was no more than twelve years old and although I spent just a few hours with them my entire life, I have never forgotten how special they made me feel. Both treated me as the little angel I wanted to be. They showed me respect and gave me much needed attention. They made me feel important. It didn’t take very much for these two people, two strangers, to make my world a better place. Even though they probably never gave me another thought when I left I never forgot the kindness they showed me. On my visit Winifred gave me a beautiful ceramic box - pink with three dimensional roses. This trinket box has been sitting on my dresser for three decades as a reminder that it doesn’t take much to make a difference in somebody else’s life. The real gift was the love and compassion they gave. They showed me I was important. Something I didn’t really know. Make it a point, daily, to do something kind for someone else.
87. You’ve never looked better! –When both of my husbands left, I forgot to eat. My diet consisted of a pot of coffee, a cola, and a bottle of beer. That was it. Every day for months on end that’s basically all I consumed. I never thought to eat. I had no appetite. Only because the kids cried for food, did I even think of cooking. I remember making Christmas cookies for church late one afternoon and getting a buzz from a beer. I wondered why a beer would make a buzz and only then did I realize I hadn’t eaten a thing all day. Tiny I was, but more miserable than I could ever imagine. Even though I was wretched I received more compliments than I had ever received in my life. In the eyes of the people, I never looked so good. Yes, I was wearing more stylish clothes, and I was nearly as thin as I had been in college my first go around, but they didn’t have a clue. Take care of yourself and know you have more sense than the masses. Enjoy the weight loss if it happens, but it’s temporary. Who can live for years on a pot of coffee, a cola, and a beer. Imagine! Back then, when that’s all I ate, I was the weight other women covet. This is the definition of insanity, and most definitely not a diet plan!
88. People Hear What they Want to Hear - I have a very good friend with whom I’ve shared snippets of this book. When she critiques, she comments about things I’ve written and I have no idea where she comes up with her thoughts. In my intro, I mentioned that I once spent time with intelligent, interesting people. She ‘heard’ in my message that I want to spend time with these people again. That’s not what I said, nor what I want. That door is closed, and I don’t ever want to open it again. Later on I shared with her that a mutual acquaintance finds Christmas depressing. I told her, ‘Even though life isn’t what I expected I can’t be depressed because this may be as good as it gets. And what I have is really very good.’ She found my outlook depressing though it wasn’t. I can’t change, for now, where I am and what I’m doing, so I may as well make the best of where I find myself today. I am incredibly grateful for all I have, though not so naïve to believe I will always be as comfortable. I was looking from a perspective of gratitude, but what she heard instead is that I don’t have the things I want. People hear what they want to hear and there’s no point arguing. I have long since given up trying to explain my stand if they have no interest in listening.
What Kind of Woman Will You Be?
What Kind of Woman Will You Be?
One is not born a woman, one becomes one.
~Simone de Beauvoir
With all of this talk about taking control and creating a new kind of you it’s time for you to imagine your future. Even though it doesn’t seem possible without money, time, or friends, you still have unlimited possibilities. With a whopper imagination to boot and a whole lot of enthusiasm, you can become any one you’re wanting to be. Certainly you have limitations, but if you are determined to change your options will expand along with you. You can become anyone except a spy who gives up her time watching the ex and all that he is doing. Those days, and he, are gone. The end. No more. Move on. Nor should your newly acquired autonomy allow you to become a tramp who dresses and acts all slutty – getting drunk, giving tongue to strangers, so you can tell yourself you’ve still got what it takes to get the guy. If you fall and tramp yourself for the night, enjoy the moment, forgive yourself your weakness, and expect to do better next time. What I’m talking about is you becoming the woman with whom you wish you had known your entire life. Oh I’m all for turning heads. I’d be a little cocky myself if I could capture a fella’s wondering eyes. There is power in looks, and if you have them you should be grateful. Go ahead and exploit what you’ve got and enjoy.
Now that we’re nearly at the end of this book, how do we create from ourselves a woman we can truly admire? The first step, the most challenging, is to take an honest hard look at ourselves. Divorce leaves a bitterness that is sometimes hard to destroy, and even more difficult to admit that we have. It can make us untrusting, and defensive, and all too often determined to look out for number one. Because of the pain I suffered I don’t care much about building bonds with others. I’m not interested in drama and my past experiences have proven relationships are dramatic. The thought of another mother-in-law sends shivers down my spine. The notion of ‘his’ friends, whom I suspect I’d have little in common, makes me want to cringe. I’d rather be alone. Too many people have hurt me too much. My aloneness is how I take care of myself, but I know my hermit’s way of living is causing me to miss out on a very important part of life.
Take a look at who you have become then gauge the distance to the woman you want to be? Are you in need of an attitude adjustment or a new and improved self-esteem? If you want both work one and, more than likely, the other will improve. Maybe you’re too judgmental. If you find yourself condemning others because they don’t share your beliefs it’s pretty safe to say you’ve got a tiger deep within that’s needing tamed. If you’re a control freak, you might have to loosen the reigns and allow someone else the authority to decide. Everyday ask yourself, ‘Did I boss, cuss, demand, complain, whine, criticize, or bitch too much?’ Once is too much. There is still room to improve if you did. It doesn’t matter what the other person did. It’s how you respond that matters. Trust that I am not judging. I have my on fair share of work to do.
Don’t accept your rotten behaviors any longer. ‘This is me, get over it’ is an excuse and not a very good one for being a woman without class. I know an overly aggressive woman who’s response for her inexcusable belligerent behavior is just that. I want to say, ‘Raise the bar woman. This is you only because you allow it.’ But she scares me. So I keep my mouth shut. Don’t be this woman. She scares us all.
There is a mean-spirited woman who has a piece of my heart. I know she’s there when I hear a sassy comment, or a snide remark slip out from between my lips. I don’t like this part of who I am. She shows her ugly head when I am stressed, when I feel threatened, or when I am in the presence of people I do not like. She shows her face at work, nearly every day. I know why she is there and I have never been able to tame her. I want to replace her with a less hostile, more confident, non-aggressive woman. Aggression is a weakness. I don’t want to be weak, but when I let rude students, the boss, the grumps, the work, the noise, the demands, the interruptions, the parents, the disrespect, the put-downs, the paperwork, the meetings, the non-supportive, hostile environment get the best of me, she finds a way to show herself no matter what I do. There is only one thing for me to do, and I am working at finding that door.
My career, my position as a teacher, is the only job I’ve ever had where I’ve been an impertinent, brazen woman. I went from one divorce, to working harder and longer than most people I know, to starting a career with a team of teachers who fought like little children. There was no stability at our workplace and everyone of us knew it was only a matter of time before a knife was plunged into our backs. At the time I had little respect for most of the teachers with whom I worked. I thought they were idiots, and because of that my attitude was condescending and haughty. One divorce, a mega workload, unprofessional, childish colleagues, another divorce, the loss of one friend after the next leaving me with absolutely no support made me anything but a loving, supportive employee. Did I mention this all, including both divorces, happened in the span of seven years? You can imagine that my attitude at work was awful.
I had become, much to my chagrin, a woman who bitched and moaned far too often. I spoke my mind. I called it like I saw it, and even though to some extent that is a good thing, I’d gone off the deep end. Good, bad, or otherwise I stated my case, and more often than not it wasn’t good. I went from one extreme of letting everyone take advantage of me to the other where nobody was ever going to mess with me again. Defensive, defiant, my fists ready to swing should someone throw the first punch, I was always prepared for the worst. This attitude, my attitude, is not the kind of woman I want to be and so I had to change. Now, though it’s hard, I most often keep my mouth shut even when disrespect and dysfunction prevails. Nowadays, to stay clear of the fights, I don’t let the behaviors of others get to me. I am confident in what I do, and knives in my back no longer hurt me. It’s hard to be objective and difficult to admit that we are flawed, but if everyone else in the world is blemished it would be incredibly naïve, or narcissistic for us to think that we are not.
Once you’ve identified your weaknesses, picture in your mind’s eye the kind of woman who would make you feel safe, motivated, inspired, and loved. Then become her. Is she a wise sage, a busy executive, or both? Are you drawn to the woman on the move, or the one who finds solace in her garden? Is it the woman who takes on the world, fighting issues great and small with whom you’d like to model, or the lady who moves mountains in her humble little town? Perhaps instead, it’s the silent, recluse who inspires your spiritual growth, something you’re hungry to improve. Who is the woman you’d love to be? Design her then become her.
Let’s each of us go out into the world and make of ourselves the ‘good’ kind of woman we’d like to be, remembering that a ‘good’ woman can still have lots of fun. God willing you have thirty-plus years to produce her, so let’s get to work while considering thirty attributes you might have an inkling to own.
The following characteristics are traits most of us would like to possess, but if these attributes don’t inspire you, pinpoint what’s befitting for you and then get to work. Here goes: compassion, integrity, curiosity, perseverance, wisdom, intelligence, fun, confidence, resilience, optimism, a sense of humor, kindness, pro-activeness, spirituality, resourcefulness, being organized, attractive, healthy, talented, inquisitive, introspective, creative, self-directed, verve, heroic, stylish, sexy, gentle, accepting, and inviting. Focus on one of these traits each year and try to imagine your growth. Of course these qualities will be intermingled and it would be smart for us to incorporate as many as we can as often as possible. I’d sure hate to wait until I’m ninety-five to focus on becoming sexy. Already I’m losing interest. Definitely, it would do us good to work as many features as we can each and every day. What I’m saying is be aware, and spot your attention on those traits you really want to own.
Most days, after a few minutes of reflective time, I jump out of bed and I take care to tidy our living area. I usually move fast. My ‘Olympic’ housecleaning is in action and since it’s become routine it takes little time for me to tidy up my home. I never used to be a medal winner Olympian with three boys home, but with practice and just the two of us here, I’m winning bronze more often. Gold is in my future, I know. This same kind of change can happen when we work to improve one specific area of our character. When we fight a chosen dragon, replacing that negative quality with one that’s more uplifting, we’ll get a little closer to becoming a woman we can admire. This is our doing. We cannot blame anyone else ever for who we have become. It may be his behavior that left you high and dry, but what you do from here on out is yours and yours alone.
Perseverance is the trait with which I’m starting. I want this book finished. I want my school lessons fine-tuned. I want my life action plan on paper with a budget in place and a mission that is concrete. I want my house in order. I want freedom to make choices. I want out of here and I will accept no more excuses, so I must persevere. I won’t give up the minute I start having doubts. I will keep moving. In the early morning hours when I want an extra thirty minutes of sleep the first word I hear is persevere and up I get and I get moving, hoping to find that backdoor for which I’m searching.
Not only should you identify thirty or so traits you’d like to develop but find thirty plus interests then study one a year. Make yourself a woman to be noticed. If you’re uninspired choose from the following: guitar-playing, black jack, travel, religions, design, mentoring, historical love affairs, haunted hotels, movies, beer, banned books, mosaics, money, cards, classic movies, the environment, the world, politics, antiques, homemade candy, endangered animals, third world countries, gemstones, food, rocks, caves, biking, customs from around the world, the brain, or the body.
To be an expert you must spend more time in one particular area. If you’re a history buff, the tantalizing, chauvinistic King Henry might spark your curiosity or Tsar Nikolai of the Romanovs and his, and his family’s, ill-fated, untimely deaths. The Civil War might become your obsession, or Hatshepsut and the other pharaohs of Egypt. Pick a year, pick a subject and absorb yourself completely. What is it you are most interested in learning? What will make you an enthusiast? Spend a month researching subjects that ignite a spark then narrow the list and focus. There is no time left for excuses. There is no time left to be lazy. Get to work, get off the sofa, get off the computer, get into the world, and get living. Keep your new found interests to yourself. An interesting person is much more so when bits and pieces are revealed a little bit at a time.
If, God willing, you have thirty good years left, what will you do? Who will you become? How will you make your mark? And how do you plan to help others? You know your options are limitless with or without money. You can be whomever you wish to be, it’s a head game after all, but becoming your heroine takes work. Resting on the sofa, though comforting and easy, it’s not how you create for yourself a life that is fulfilling. Who among us wants to be the lady who knows every celebrity or reality TV star, but knows very little about herself? Being busy is the secret of being a content woman. Being busy with a purpose is even better. Being busy all day long going in a direction that is clearly well-defined makes all the difference in the world if you’re aiming to become a woman whom you truly can admire.
The best way to learn to be a lady is to see how other ladies do it.
- Mae West
89. We’re damaged –When two became one we also grew vulnerable. Our secrets were revealed, our walls were broken down. He saw into our heart and could tell what we were thinking before we really knew. There was no other person in this world as familiar with us and we thought he was equally as exposed. Then we found out we’d been hoodwinked. He wasn’t quite as defenseless, as truthful, as naked as we allowed ourselves to believe. Out the door he went leaving us to wonder who in the world was that man? How could we have been so stupid? In time we move on, and we find the next love of our life, yet this time we’re suspicious of things we never before considered. He says he’s different, he’s not your first husband after all, and he’ll be there for you right to the end. But something doesn’t feel right. And those fears, and vulnerabilities either expose the second one for who he really is or creates in us a suspicious woman who can’t believe a thing her sweetheart says. We are damaged. We are on the defense waiting for the moment we can expose our new lover for the sleaze we think he is. We can’t live a happy life, nor can our partner, when we compare to the lovers of our past. But we do compare. It’s what we’ve learned and as wrong as it may be, it’s our reality and the only one we have to understand. We can be repaired, but it takes work and it takes time, and until you are confident in your own skin you will probably be insecure with a man.
90. You might think this will stick with you everyday for the rest of your life, but it doesn’t have to. That’s all up to you. Before I started this big project I couldn’t help but think about the ‘what should have beens’. I mourned for Christmases with my family and the thought of growing old with my very best friend. Every day I blamed him for the mess he made in my life. Every day I wanted things to be different. Let’s face it, life at home being a mom and a wife was a whole lot easier than life alone being a single working mother of three. For years, every single day, I longed to have that dream and for years, every day, I cursed him for taking it from me. But then I started writing. And when I did, my focus turned from him and toward a new beginning. True enough, there are days I still get the blues and I want to fault him for my disappointments, but on those days, rare as they are, I’m simply being petty. Now I hardly ever think about the ‘what should have beens’. Husband Number Two, I never think of at all, and if I do I am grateful the relationship ended before he got here. It took a project. It took a goal, and a purpose then when I had something for me, I stopped looking back and gave up thinking about the what could have, and what should have beens of life.
91. Like going to the privy, some things are best kept to yourself. One of my favorite books is Lady Chatterley’s Lover. D.H. Lawrence had a way with words that can touch the human soul. When I read about Connie and her men, I was humbled and somewhat shamed by the spewing of my emotions. On and on and on I carried, not concerned with what I told a soul, and not the least bit worried about how I appeared to others. I wanted to be understood and the only way I thought I could be was if I told my story, over and over again. Like going to the privy I was sharing things that no one really wanted to hear. At the time I had no shame, I let it all hang out because I thought if I didn’t I would be disingenuous. Not so. What I know these days is that most of what I do goes unnoticed. Keeping secrets to myself, for myself, is a whole lot more fun for everyone, including me. Just like going to the privy, there are some things best kept quiet.
92. People are Complicated. I’ve been reading Dale Carnegie’s, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and I truly do kid when I say I think it’s a miserable book. Not because of Mr. Carnegie or his work, but because of his description of the human species. After reading half of the book, I thought ‘Do I really want to win friends?’ We all seem so dang self-centered. They (meaning everyone besides myself) don’t seem very nice at all. It appears that we always think we are right, and we always want to be at the center of attention. Look at me. I’m writing a 200 plus page book about my life. I couldn’t get people to listen to me, to really hear, so this is what I’m doing. We all want validation. We all want someone to pay attention. Way back in college, before my husband and I married, I met his former girlfriend. I knew before I met her how to handle the situation without making her feel threatened, or making the night uncomfortable for us all. I talked to her about her, someone she was more than happy to talk about. When we parted, I had a much better understanding of who she was than she had of me. Don’t be manipulative, but do understand most folks like to talk about themselves a whole lot more than they want to hear about you. The problem is that most of us aren’t really listening to anyone but ourselves.
Because it would be impossible to choose for you what you should be doing, and since your plate is already overflowing with reality instead of fun, I’ve limited the choices for ‘fun’ suggesting just the basics. A months worth of ideas would be overwhelming. If my recommendations don’t interest you, get out and get living and make it your passion to find you own way. I just want you to get moving. Don’t fritter away another day worried about your past, or your future. Start building your life today.
Create |Travel |Mystery |Explore |Food |Senses |Hobbies |Entertainment |Appearances |Journal |What kind of Woman | |Write your future. Define the woman you are going to be.
Put it on paper and make it happen. |Name one exotic place you really would love to see. Forget about money. Forget about reality.
Pick your place and start to learn. |Get on a plane and go somewhere for $99. Don’t tell a soul.
Adopt animals and tell no one.
Develop a craft and keep it to yourself.
Practice the art of Mystery – learn to keep your intimate details mysterious. Make them wonder, what in the world is going on! |Get out a map of your state and circle a one hour radius. Get online and discover what your one hour radius has in store. |Make a dinner from a different country. |Get out your money jar and save fifty cents a day. If you want, put $3.50 in for the week and be done with it.
Buy for yourself something of luxury. Something that truly brings joy. |Pick your art. Choose from sketching, painting, or photography.
Start taking a closer look at the world. Don’t expect immediate results just b/c you want it. |Plan a small coffee with friends. One friend is all you need. If you don’t have one friend, go to a show instead. |Put that extra little oomph in your appearances. Taking care of you shows you, you really care. Be your BFF and be good to yourself. |You’re on a discovery of self – a journal is a must. Download your mission statement created by and put it in your journal. Include your description of the kind of woman you’re going to be and put it in your journal. Then put your plan on paper, and put it in your journal. It has to be written down and it needs your attention. Just reading this isn’t going to get you anywhere. Eye on your plan. |Be optimistic –
Read Martin E.P. Seligman’s book
Learned Optimism | |
93. Less than 50% of marriages end in divorce A year ago I read an article in Newsweek magazine written by a recent divorcee who sought camaraderie with all of the divorcees she’d heard so much about. Statistics tells us that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Like the author, I too thought I could find some friends in that humongous demographic. But I am one of the very few people I know who has divorced. Most of the people I know have never divorced, certainly not fifty percent, a handful is all and those who have divorced were younger when it happened and have long since married again. So where does this infamous, frightening number get it’s meaning? Who knows if it’s right, but it seems that the number is based on a comparison of marriages that happen in a year vs. the number of divorces that take place that same year. For example, if one thousand couples marry, five hundred will get divorced. Five hundred out of all of the tens of thousands who are already married, not just married that year. The statistic is skewed for whatever reason, and unfortunately because of that reality, those of us who are really and truly divorcees, we are more alone than we think and easily forgotten by others. The support isn’t there like we need it, and the likelihood of divorcing again after one failed marriage increases. I failed at two. A betting gal would know the odds are not in my favor.
94. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Today, after watching for far too long every warning light that could possibly light up my car, I am buying a brand-new-to-me vehicle that I’ve been dreaming of for so long. I am worried. Will I make the right choice? Can I make the payments? And what about insurance? Will I get the best quote or am I going to get horns waggled yet again? It’s all too overwhelming. I have no choice. My car, though it’s been good to me, has got to go before she abandons me on the side of the road. I’m surprised at how anxious this decision is making me. Like trying something new, I’m stressing. I panicked before going to bed, I woke in the night, and I’m on pins and needles as I wait for my son to get ready. I’ve grown content with my twelve-year-old Malibu, a trusted, paid for pal she’s been since I met her. But it’s time. At an appraisal of $500, my old car isn’t the ride she used to be. The two parts of my head are in turmoil, the ‘you’re getting in way over your head’ side vs. ‘the good golly, people buy cars all the time, what’s the big deal?’ side. They’re bickering, stirring a restless feeling in me that is exciting but also a little childish. It’s a car after all. Apprehension shouldn’t be at the root of this purchase. How will I close up a house, move to another state, and start a new life if I get stirred up over a car? A good lesson, this is. The more we do, the less anxious we become.
95. Write your own book. - It’s the best therapy in the world. What do you have to lose? What else will you do with your time?
96. Know what you want. When we were going through the interview process during our recruitment to America, I overheard a hospital board member praise me for my winning personality. He said I was refreshing. As an extrovert, with a bit of ‘spunk’, I went out of my way to include every person I met. Now, not so much. Since divorce, and a miserable working environment, I can’t remember a single compliment for my winsome personality, unless I count the lady who told me I had nice eyes, not the go to hell eyes like so many. To my new world, the world of education, I am not fun, nor refreshing. I don’t like my world that is demanding, defensive, and unsupportive. I am perceived as a strong-willed, difficult, aggressive, overbearing northerner. People don’t know me. They are right that I am a northerner, but that’s all they see. They don’t know how lonely I’ve been, or how much I do not fit in. They do not know that I’ve spent at least eight of the past twelve Christmases alone, and two more sitting in airports. They do not know that I spend every other weekend completely by myself, and I have for nearly twelve years. They think my standards are high, and that I expect too much from people. They don’t know me, nor are they interested. They know what they want to know of me. I do not like this place. It is not heaven, like I once thought, when I was married to the well-loved doctor. This past Halloween I dressed in costume at work. A teacher told me ‘I like you like this.’ My immediate thought was, ‘You don’t have a clue who I am.’ It’s time I get back to my roots. This book is nearly finished, and in it’s completion I am hopeful I can earn enough to have my foot not just out the door, but also from this state. I have faith that the day will come when I can head closer to my kind of people. Maybe my kind doesn’t exist. Maybe I’ll always be a squid in an ocean of mackerel and herring, but I can’t sit here forever, without trying to make for me a life filled to the brim with positive, hope-filled, optimistic, helpful, supportive, funny, loving people. My mother told me my expectations of others is too high. I replied, ‘All I ask is for people to treat me as they would like to be treated.’ And all I ask is that folks let people be true to themselves. I will accept nothing less than that from here on out. I know what I want and in this little town, I couldn’t be farther from my goals if I tried. I’m knocking on that backdoor, I’m getting closer by the minute, and if it doesn’t happen soon, I’m going to get a jackhammer.
97. Regrets, I’ve had a few. One might think I regret marrying my husbands or leaving my home in Canada and moving so far away. There was a time I regretted nearly everything in my life. Not so much any more. Now I believe I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. The tools just weren’t very good. I can’t regret the choices I made because they were based on trust and love. I kept my integrity in check and integrity is more important to me than nearly everything else. I do have regrets though. And they all have to do with my kids. My boys had a very difficult time when Mom and Dad broke up, but when Husband Number Two left something even bigger broke inside. It wasn’t the man. He isn’t a good one. It was the dream, for us all, that vanished. I was broken, and during that brokenness, my eldest lost respect for me. He thought I was mourning the man. I wasn’t. Our home, one that was once so busy with friendship and love, grew empty. My youngest doesn’t remember a past with so much fun at our home. He calls his upbringing, ‘The Dark Ages’. The middle child held on to his heartbreak for a very long time. I thought I had given my boys the very best I could, but this mouth of mine that spewed constant complaints prevented my kids from knowing a happy mom. They got to know a heart-broken mama instead. Now, just recently, I’m hearing my funny side reappear. Rather than being embittered, I am finally laughing again. What I regret most in my life is that my boys grew up knowing an overwhelmed, lonely, sad, disappointed, and disillusioned mama, and not the happy one she so wanted to be. I hope, in time, they will get to know their light-hearted mother, and I hope and pray one day I will earn my oldest son’s respect. Somehow I think I will only get it when I leave.
98. Where do we go from here? My hope is that in these pages I have given you hope and I pray that my years of heartbreak can prevent someone else from wasting so many years stuck in the mud pit of life. I was knocked to my knees after divorce. I had no idea who I was. Too scared, too lazy, too dependent on others, I didn’t have a clue. Good golly, I came to America believing I was a conservative, and since I’ve been immersed with so many, I think I am the only liberal in the bunch. Being alone has forced me to find out who I am. When I started writing this book, three years ago, I was lost, confused, with no direction. I told one friend, one who has listened to my eternal bellyaching for years, that before I do anything with my life, for some reason this book has got to be written. It’s almost completed. All I need is one more bit of advice, and a hundred or so sketches and then it will be done. Before I started this book I was worried that my life was ending. I believed my reason for being was linked to my kids and unfortunately for me, that job was soon finished. I had to create a new meaning for my life, so I wouldn’t continue to feel death’s breath on my neck. I had to write. Call it God, call it therapy, call it whatever you’d like, but this book I know had to be written. When I was desperately lonesome, in search of a muse, something or someone to inspire my thinking, I longed for a book such as this one. I needed ideas, thought provoking interests, and someone to show me a different path. I couldn’t put one foot in front of the other without having someone else lead the way. I needed direction, and I know I am not the only woman in this world who could use a little help along the way. You’ve got to figure out where to go. It’ll be scary. We’re scaredy-cats, remember? But you’ve got to push yourself into the world and forget about your unhappy marriage. Please, do not waste your years being broken by a man who has his own struggles with life. If you do, remember it’s not his brokenness that you are needing to repair, it’s yours. There is a masterpiece life you must create, so get out there now and find your way.
99. To my boys. I am sorry for all of the heartbreak I caused. I am sorry for the pain I’ve put you through. I love each one of you with all of my heart and am grateful that the good Lord chose me to be your mother.
My three funny sons
You bring joy and happiness
My heart spills with love.
100. Talk to God – Even if you’re not a believer, talk to God, otherwise you’re going to be alone in this great big old world. Thank you God, for all the blessings you have given me. Amen.
Purpose
The central purpose of each life should be to dilute the misery in the world.
- Karl Menninger
George Washington Carver said, ‘No individual has any right to come into the world and go out of it without leaving behind him distinct and legitimate reasons for having passed through it.’ So I have to ask, how many of us really know our legitimate reason for passing through this world? I don’t mean to worry you, but we do let our days go by, one, two, three, forty-four, etc., so often not even giving thought to why we are really here. We go to work, to make the moolah, to come back home, to feed the kids, to go to bed, to start all over doing the same thing day after, day after day. I suspect most of us have asked ourselves at least once in our life if this is all there is to living? And I feel safe in assuming I’m not the only one who has ever asked, ‘Why am I really here?’
Several years ago my friend witnessed her husband during a near death experience. As he lay suffering she overheard his side of a conversation that didn’t include her. With just the two of them in the room she realized he was talking to someone else altogether. Although initially confused by his conversation, what she heard made her heart skip a beat. ‘You mean all we have to do is love one another?’ he asked. When my friend listened to his words she couldn’t help but think her husband was talking to God. Maybe he was. Maybe he wasn’t. Who knows? Whatever was going on in that conversation it seemed clear to my friend that the message was one of purpose and that purpose happened to be about love.
Now I’m not going to go and get all hippie on you, but try and imagine what life would be like if it truly were that simple. What if we all lived by the golden rule and treated each other as we would like to be treated? Since it’s easier to spot the flaws in someone else rather than admit our own, try imagining the people you know and ask yourself if any are in need of a change if they’re going to live by this rule. I’m betting just about everyone, because we’re human, has room for improvement, including you and me. Think of the boss, the guy who thrives on control, squeezing his talented staff into boxes where they do not fit and the colleague who bullies, bosses, and lies in order to get her own way. Picture the aggressive shopper, the one who tanks herself forward, shoving and squashing simply to get what she wants. And then there’s the ex, the most horrible of all. Can you even begin to imagine what life would be like if you actually respected each other? But the world isn’t going to change just to meet our expectations. The ex, he’s already changed, and so far we’re not that impressed. Change, in others, that’s a pie in the sky kind of dream. If we want to see change, the transformation has got to happen in us.
Since I’m a preachin’ to my readers I have to respectfully admit that I have yet to walk this talk that I’m teaching when it comes to certain someone(s) I know. I’m too swollen with pride to forget all the hurt, and too self-righteous to let others who use and abuse to ever think they’ve got me on their side. I’ve got real issues when it comes to relationships, and until I get my head wrapped around the fact that those feelings of angst I have are my responsibility, and mine alone, I’m going to continue to have troubles being content, much less loving, when I am in their presence.
Just for fun, imagine a person who riles you up and makes you so crazy you can’t think of anything but the self-serving, bleepity-bleep. Then imagine what would happen if you gave this person a gift. It’s hard to see it, isn’t it? Suppose you bought your ex a present to say all is forgiven with no strings attached. He’s likely to say, ‘Bout time she got it right.’ So why would we even try? Because what other people think shouldn’t control our emotions. The more we give, without worrying about what they deserve, or what they think, the more likely we’ll be singing with Louis What a Wonderful World. Here’s where talkin’ and walkin’ don’t mix for me. I laugh, ‘Ha! Ha!’ at the notion of giving my ex a gift. I can’t even get the idea completed in my head before I’m rolling my eyes at the thought. But I have been known to bite the bullet and put myself out there without worrying what others might think. And you know, to put yourself out there, not expecting anything in return, clears your head from worrying if you’ve done all you can do.
Years ago I had a falling out with a relative. During our rift I was reading Tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom. In the book, Morrie talks of a Buddhist philosophy where one must ask everyday, the figurative bird on ones shoulder, if this is the day of his death. That thought left a lasting impression on me. It had troubled me that my relationship with my relative had fizzled, so I sent her a letter. I apologized to her for what I may have done to burn the bridge between us and I extended an invitation to try again. I don’t know how she perceived my olive branch. Suffice it to say, I never heard back. I wrote the letter. I took an honest step to open the door and it was certainly worth my effort. I reached out, but I was not wanted. I did what I could and that was enough for me.
Death spoke, in Markus Zusak’s The Book Thief. He said, ‘I am haunted by humans.’ Me too. We can be cruel to the core, nearly every single one of us. When Husband the Second refused to apologize after an inappropriate aggressive act, my mind was boggled. These are his words, and I do not exaggerate. ‘If I say I’m sorry, then you win.’ His response chilled me to the bones. In that one little sentence I realized he was not my prince charming and I was in over my head, in deep, deep trouble. I won’t ever give him a gift, nor will I extend to him a branch. But I don’t have to. My anger toward him is all gone. Now I can laugh at myself, ‘What in the world was I thinking?’
Back when I was first married, when I felt so undeserving of love, my self-importance was unwarranted and grand. I was a doctor’s wife after all (oh, please), so I had to be heads above so many when it came to social status. Then came that big old slice of humble pie, humble cake, humble flapjacks, and humble stew. Divorce made me realize how insignificant I really was when so many people drifted from me and toward the guy with the standing. It didn’t matter that he lacked character. The people preferred the guy with the bucks. Integrity didn’t matter in the slightest. Social order out-trumped character and I found myself booted to the curb when hubby left. He was farther ahead in the game of life than I, and although it hurt like Hades, the humility I suffered eventually gave me permission to finally get real with myself. Now I am glad that the lies I told myself are all gone. I have no misconceptions any longer of my place, or anybody else’s in this world. Like Joni Mitchell, I’ve looked at life from both sides now, and I have to admit, I’d rather be here and real, than there and a fraud with the rest of the frauds, any day.
Irene Nemirovsky, in Suite Francaise, wrote, ‘Maurice Michaud was not really unhappy. He had a unique way of thinking: he didn’t consider himself that important; in his own eyes, he was not that rare and irreplaceable creature most people imagine when they think of themselves.’ It took a long time but my personal arrogance, superiority, and vanity have pretty much disappeared. Sure, I still care that the chin hairs get plucked, and I do wish my face looked younger. I’m just saying I’ve had my fair share of humble pie and I’m telling you it’s a good place to be when you realize you are no more special, nor any less, than anyone else that you meet. My sad story is just one of six point eight billion and hardly as horrible as most.
In a nut shell consider the following as part of your purpose in life. What if it is your number one purpose to love yourself unconditionally? Now I’m not going to get all sociopathic and narcissistic on you, I just want you to really think of you and you alone. Could you love you, just as you are without the fashions, the car, or the home? Could you love you with the rolls, flaws, and belly bulge, stripped down to your total bare-nakedness - no Gucci, no Louis, no Walmart, no nothing but you – could you love you completely? Could you love you, if you went from riches to rags, or rags to riches. Both are hard places to be. You know it’s true, until you can love yourself, the good, the bad, and the ugly, you’ll never be able to completely love anyone else.
When you can love yourself unconditionally focus on purpose number two. Love those who are easy to love. Your babes, friends and family. Then make it your mission to do all you can to make their lives more wonderful. If we don’t give TLC to those we love most, who will? Purpose three is to love those who make no difference in our personal lives at all. The clerk, the associate, those folks who come into our lives and disappear without leaving a lasting impression. We love them. We smile, crack jokes, and lighten their load. Purpose number four, the dilly, the big one is to learn to love those who are the most unlovable of all. I don’t know about the ex. Maybe for now Kim Jong Il will be an easier challenge, but it is a goal, something we all must attempt, someday before it’s too late, in order for us to grow.
Loving the unlovable may be one of the hardest challenges to face. It may also be a goal that only those who have devoted their lives solely to living in love can accomplish. If it’s our purpose to love, and it’s as good a purpose as any, maybe the best we can do if we cannot love them is to learn to accept them instead. It’s our head that prevents us from giving them love. We don’t think they deserve it since they’ve got so dang much love for themselves. We throw up our walls of protection to prevent us from falling and believing his tales again. Here’s the reality. If we love ourselves completely, their bad attitude will have absolutely no affect on us at all. If we truly love ourselves nothing anyone can say will take us to our knees again. We won’t waiver from our beliefs, or face any more head-on confrontations. We can be good, and kind, funny and peaceful, and true to our very own essence. As long as we love ourselves, understanding we’re no better, nor worse than anyone else maybe in time we can find some kind of love for the most self-centered guy of the bunch.
Once the walls around your heart come down, just like in Berlin, freedom from fear will lift your heart to the heavens and you can finally be true to yourself. Then the real competition begins. The one against yourself. The one that will bring real honest to God meaning to your life. Praise the Lord. Hallelujah!
Love is a wonderful purpose, but in this world of multi-tasking let’s create for ourselves more reasons for enjoying this life. After choosing to live your life in love start paying attention to your world – plants, music, theater, movies, sports, land, animals, clouds, rain, spiders, gardens, ball parks, people, anything and everything. Be in the present, attuned to what is happening wherever you happen to go. See the world with wonder. Watch shooting stars in August and be grateful that gravity holds you tightly, though not too tightly, to the ground. While doing dishes, enjoy. Feel the flow of warm water and be grateful you don’t have to lug it on your head for miles before you’re able to use it. Be appreciative for water because without it nothing but rock would remain. Feel the bubbles and inhale the aroma that comes from the hand-softening detergent. Enjoy the silkiness of the dishes as you wash across the plates, and be thankful for the supper that was served minutes before on the very same dish. Ray Bradbury said, ‘‘Stuff your eyes with wonder. Live as though you’d drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It’s more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories.’ That’s a pretty good reason for living - to enjoy absolutely every single gift you have been given.
Use your gifts and talents. What is yours and yours alone? Do you have the gift of gab? A strong work ethic? Or do you love to rally the troupes? Do you have a flair for computers, technology, or fabrics? Are you a people person, or a loner? Can you write? Tell stories, or motivate the masses? Do you long to get your stories down on film? Are you a party planner, an expert in math or do you make exquisite meals? Can you race cars? Do you enjoy nature? Are you a teacher, in some way, and do you have something to share? Do you plant? Prune? Clean with zest? Or is your talent financial wizardry? Do you entertain? Show off? Sing? Or enjoy making your audience laugh? What is it that you do, that you’re not sharing? Don’t go to the grave without having used your gift. Don’t worry any more what others think. Just get busy with purpose and do it.
When all is said and done your purpose, my purpose, is whatever we want it to be at any particular time in our lives. Until I get this book finished, it is my purpose. With every single second I have available I am working toward its completion. At first this goal was shaky, but I had nothing else to do to fill my time. The more I wrote the more motivated I grew, and the more determined I became to make it happen. It’s very likely not a single soul will ever read my words, but right now that doesn’t matter to me at all. I am writing to be happy and oh how much happier I am than I was three years ago when I started. This book has given me purpose. This book has made me realize wherever I am, whatever the gods have given me, it’s my responsibility and mine alone to make of it what I can. This book, because I write it, will inspire me to do something even better in the future. In this card game called life my hand, compared to others I know, was lousy. Now I am playing that hand hoping the next deal will be better.
As a teenager I hated school. I swore to myself that once I escaped the confines of boredom in public education, I’d never be back. Whether it was fate, kismet, God, or the ‘never say never or you’re going to find out’ blues, I am a teacher and I have absolutely no idea how I got here. I’m good at my job, but it’s a going nowhere job with incredible demands and few rewards. I want out of teaching where my earning power is zilch, because on my salary I cannot afford to leave this town, nor afford to explore the world as I’d like. But for some reason the gods (?) have made me a teacher, in this town, so as long as I am a teacher, in this town, I will be the very best one I can be. Since I started writing this book and have become a happier woman, I have also become a better teacher. I understand I have an opportunity each and every day to make a difference in my students’ lives and I take that responsibility seriously. I don’t have a cocky notion that I will leave a life-altering or lasting impression on my kids, but I know every single day I have an enormous responsibility to try and make their day a good one, at least for the fifty minutes when they are in my care.
When I was given my long sentence of solitude it took a very long time to heal. I had years of heartbreak to mend and decades of abuse to repair. I had work to do and it needed to be done - alone. It seemed to others I was being selfish. Even to me, at times, I would agree. But I needed this time. I knew before I could truly love anyone else, I had to first love me. I spent my entire life allowing others’ opinions to define me. I was never good enough, or so I was told, and never worthy of love. My very own self-loathing led me to relationships that were abusive even if a punch was never thrown. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever have imagined that deep in the heart of the south, with nary a soul to love me, I finally learned Stewart Smalley’s lessons. I now know I’m good enough, I’m smart enough’ and dad gum it even if folks don’t like me, it doesn’t matter to me any more. I know who I want in my life. I know what I want from my life. My bar may be set high, but I don’t think it is. I want in my life pro-active, hope-filled, forward thinking, belly-laughing people, who do not judge nor discriminate against others’ beliefs. I want purpose and direction and I want to be busy every day doing what I can to make this world a wee be better because of me. Arrogance out the door. Why shouldn’t we all want to leave this place a little bit better simply because we’ve been here. I know what I want. I sure do. I needed this time alone to find out what that is, and now that I know what I want, I have to get busy and get it.
During my long, sad years of soul work, through spiritual guidance, a lot of reading, and no interference from the outside world I learned how to love myself. At one time I believed self-love was narcissistic and deviant. I now realize I was more of a narcissist when I despised the woman who was looking back at me from the mirror. It’s true, I don’t care one iota what other people think of me any more. I am me, and I love me. No longer will I let someone else’s opinion of me define me. I’ve learned most of them have absolutely no idea of who I really am. How could they? I didn’t even know who I was, but now I am free. Free to be exactly the person I want to be, because I have nothing to lose any more. I lost so much, and in losing so much I am finally true to myself. Imagine that kind of freedom. It’s a head game, yours to control. Go make of your life what you can.
If I can stop one
Heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain
If I can ease one life the aching
Or cool one pain.
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again
I shall not live in vain.
Emily Dickinson
Appendix
I’m getting closer to my deadline and closer to the end. My story is finished, my pictures are nearly all complete, and now all that is left are instructions. Within the next few pages I’ve included websites and resources to help you get started creating your life. Some ideas I’ve included without resources because your personal touch is required. If you get stuck, however, I’m sure you can find a website that motivates you. There is something about everything on the web, you just have to look. I’m simply giving you a place to begin. I understand by the time this book gets published many of the sites I’ve recommended won’t be useful any more. These are simply resources I thought could be more useful than my ‘jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none’, expertise. If the sites are no longer working, search the web and you will find something that can help you succeed.
I don’t expect you to do everything in these pages because I doubt you’ll be interested in all, nor do I expect you to spend your money donating to each of the charities I’ve suggested. It’s most unlikely that we can do everything, but I have chosen activities that are doable if you immerse yourself in a few. I thought it necessary to provide a wide variety since we’re all so very different. Doing it all is not the purpose of this book. I just want you to get busy, exploring a new outlet, so you can create for yourself a brand new life you’ve never before considered.
The secret to being happy alone is getting busy, and being busy with purpose. Once you realize you can be successful on your own, life will be quite good again. Good luck to you, my dear reader. Don’t give up, have faith every day, keep on working, and in time you’re going to be living a life that is filled to the brim with unlimited possibilities.
1. Plant a Lilac Bush
lilac/lilac06.htm
o Plant in the early spring as soon as soil can be worked
o If you have harsh winters, plant in the fall
o Lilac bushes don’t like wet roots
o Plant on elevated area with good drainage
o pH 6-7
o Make hole twice as big as roots
o Compost hole
o Plant bush
o Pile mulch to retain moisture
o Compost, especially during dry periods
o Prices range from $16 - $40
2. French Onion Soup ( delicious and not as difficult to make as you might think)
• 3 tablespoons unsalted butter , cut into 3 pieces
• 6 large yellow onions (about 4 pounds), halved and cut pole to pole into 1/4-inch-thick slices (Make sure you get Yellow)
• Table salt
• 2 cups water, plus extra for deglazing
• 1/2 cup dry sherry
• 4 cups low-sodium chicken broth
• 2 cups beef broth
• 6 sprigs fresh thyme , tied with kitchen twine
• 1 bay leaf
• Ground black pepper
• Heat the oven to 400 degrees.
• Spray your Dutch oven with a nonstick cooking spray. Place the butter in the pot then add the onions and 1 teaspoon salt. Cook, covered, for 1 hour. Remove the pot from the oven and stir the onions, scraping the bottom and sides of the pot. Return the pot to the oven with the lid slightly ajar and continue to cook until the onions are very soft and golden brown, 1 1/2 to 1 3/4 hours longer, stirring the onions and scraping bottom and sides of pot after 1 hour.
• Carefully remove the pot from oven and place over medium-high heat. Using oven mitts to handle the pot, cook onions, stirring frequently and scraping the bottom and sides of the pot, until the liquid evaporates and the onions brown, 15 to 20 minutes, reducing the heat to medium if the onions are browning too quickly. Continue to cook, stirring frequently, until the pot bottom is coated with a dark crust, roughly 6 to 8 minutes, adjusting the heat as necessary. (Scrape any fond that collects on spoon back into onions.)
• Stir in 1/4 cup water, scraping the pot bottom to loosen the crust, and cook until the water evaporates and the pot bottom has formed another dark crust, 6 to 8 minutes. Repeat process of deglazing 2 or 3 more times, until onions are very dark brown. Stir in the sherry and cook, stirring frequently, until the sherry evaporates, about 5 minutes.
• Stir in the broths, 2 cups of water, thyme, bay leaf, and 1/2 teaspoon salt, scraping up any final bits of browned crust on bottom and sides of pot.
• Increase heat to high and bring to simmer. Reduce the heat to low, cover, and simmer for 30 minutes. Remove and discard herbs, then season with salt and pepper.
3. People Watch at Coffee Shops - I did this one weekend when I was bored out of my head. I found it to be quite an interesting activity. I saw a man, my age, oogling young girls not much older than the daughter who accompanied him. I saw a group of friends laughing together and I watched, who I imagined to be, a young college boy working hard on his studies. Although it might seem like a creepy thing to do, I found the exercise humbling. I could see insecurities in others and at times I saw that love was in the air. It was nice to see I’m not alone in my struggles, and that hope surrounds us if we look. It is easy to be a fly on the wall, if you want to be so go to a coffee shop, hold your book up so you can hide, incognito, then develop characters for your novel, study behaviors, try to understand people, make up stories, pray for them, flirt with them – practice getting out there, talk to strangers, buy someone a coffee, listen to the sounds, notice the relaxed folks and the restless people, cartoon, help, enjoy your coffee, make thumbnail sketches of everything that surrounds. Pay attention, and you will see, your problems, though big to you, are problems just to one.
4. Get Out the Camera – and start snapping!
projects/
Do the 26 Things Challenges – this is a GREAT site to instigate picture taking interest. Challenge your kids to compete against you. As I’ve aged, I’ve grown more predicable in my photo-snapping skills, but my boys can see things I never would have considered. I love to challenge them because they give me a perspective on things I no longer would have considered.
5. Watch A Fish Called Wanda
One summer, when my son was laid up after having surgery, I Googled the web searching for the top 100 funny movies. This movie was in amongst the group. I found it a clever movie, a bit dated, but a classic just the same.
Comedy/Crime
7.8/10 stars
John Cleese, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Kline
6. Make a Fire Pit
Firepit-and-grilling-
Materials:
• grill grate (about 2-3’ diameter) Directions:
• cinderblocks (number depends on size * Pour sand on ground and spread
of desired pit)
• mesh screen cover (optional) * Use grill grate to mark size of pit on ground
• sand to cover bottom of pit
* place cinderblocks around marking
* adjust blocks to make an even circle (small gaps are OK)
* place second layer of blocks atop
first layer at jointed area
* fill with wood and enjoy
7. Give Blood
ONLY 3% of Americans give blood.
If you can’t give money, give blood.
How many gallons will you give in a lifetime?
How many lives will you save?
8. Ink and Brush – I enjoy using ink and brush in my journal. Though not everyone does, I like it better than pen and ink. Give it a try.
Search: Bee’s Ink and Brush Tutorial
Tools: White ink, India ink, clean water,
Eraser, white gel pen, #2 round sable brush
9. Purchase an Acre of Rainforest – My sister purchased an acre of rainforest for my kids many years ago. If you are someone concerned with the welfare of our planet, this may be something you want to do.
$50 donation per acre
DO YOUR PART TO:
* save the rainforests, rivers, grasslands, coral reefs
LEARN ABOUT:
* climate change, fires, fresh water, and invasive species
10. Stitch an Easy Quilt – My sister, the one mentioned above, helped me out many times when money was getting too tight for comfort. When I was able, I wanted to show her my appreciation. I stitched for her a big old quilt, working hard nearly every day for an entire year. Bit-by-bit, stitch-by-stitch it was finished and so worth my time to give her something to show I truly was appreciative for her help. Make yours smaller if you’d like, but do a bit each day and you will see in time you have something to show for those days that pass you by so quickly.
Follow the pattern and quilt. Piece by piece, bit by bit, you’ll have
made a beautiful quilt. Make it as big or as small as you choose.
Buy fabric little by little until it’s completed.
11. Enter a Competition – for no other reason than fun
Silly Competitions:
o Rock, Paper Scissors – grand prize $9000
o Rubiks Cube
o Speed Reading
o Air Guitar
o Extreme Ironing
More Serious Competitions:
o Song-writing – - $1000 and guitar
o Entrepreneurial online business -
o Find one that relates to your talents
12. Watch Absolutely Fabulous - You can watch these ladies on the internet. They are very funny women. When I was so alone, first go around, I looked forward to watching Seinfeld in the evening. I liked seeing that there were people in the world with lives more pitiful than mine. Watch Absolutely Fabulous and hopefully you’ll realize you’re not as bad off as you might think.
British Comedy
1992-1996, 2001-2004
Hilarious comedy about two sorry women you can’t help but love and the daughter who tries her best to raise her mother properly.
If you think your life is bad, you’ll enjoy the antics of these women.
13. email CNN – Here’s a safe way to express your views without condemnation. Maybe your opinion will be read aloud.
click opinion
click story of choice
find email, in upper left corner, and send your opinion
14. Snap a Zoo Picture Then Paint It
o Membership at our zoo costs $50 and offers unlimited entry.
o Check out the discounts at your zoo.
o Take your camera.
o Snap some animals.
o Then paint what you have captured.
15. Chocolate Martinis – a bit pricey, but save up and enjoy for the holidays
1 ½ shots of Godiva chocolate liqueur
1 ½ shots of crème de cacao
½ shot of vodka
2 ½ shots of half-&-half
Mix all ingredients in a shaker with ice, shake, and pour.
16. Sleuth for Inspiration – make it your mission to get out and find something to motivate you
TOOLS:
Journal, color pencils, pen,
viewfinder (cardboard with ½ hole),
camera, envelopes, notepad
FORMAT:
Collage, grid poster, one page
folded book, filmstrip, bookmark
OBJECTIVE:
Inspiration
17. Run – Support Breast Cancer Research
o Go to: to find out about a race near you.
o Research Susan Goodman Komen and her sister.
o You will be touched and inspired.
18. Hook a Rug – this is a fairly inexpensive and very easy thing to do
Check out the hooked rugs from Cheticamp, N.S.
19. Make Cucumber Sandwiches – mentioned in a book…now I have to try
1 medium cucumber ¼ tsp. garlic powder
½ c. cider vinegar ¼ tsp. onion salt
1 c. water dash Worcestershire
8 oz. Cream cheese 1 loaf sliced, firm bread
¼ c. mayonnaise dash of paprika
20. Knit a Scarf – the hairy yarn hid my mistakes
Beginner’s lessons
8 oz., 4 ply yarn
No. 10 needles
21. Draw a Nude
YouTube – Art Techniques and Styles,
or find yourself a fella to draw.
22. Grow African Violets – My grandmother had violets everywhere. I think of her every time I see a pot of African violets. Grow the plant that reminds you of someone you love.
african-
o Needs 10-14 hours of bright light each day
o Use plastic or ceramic – not terracotta pots
o 70° - 75°F
o Wick water (bury nylon in pot, extend about 4 inches, soak in water/fertilizer combination)
o Fertilize with Peters 12-36-14 ( ½ tsp./gallon of water)
23. Play Rummy – I’ve never played though when I was a kid, it was a common game. I was reminded of this game when I read about a kid who played.
1 deck of cards
2 or more players
24. Track the International Space Station – sometimes it’s easy to forget there are others living not so far above us
See when it’s flying over your home.
Keep up-to-date about the Space Elevator.
25. Make a Yo-Yo Quilt – My African Violet grandma, taught me when I was young how easy it is to make a yo-yo. When I found myself alone, I yo-yoed a bit at a time until finally a queen-sized throw was finished. I made this quilt to remind myself a bit each day goes a very long way.
o The number of Yo-Yo’s you need depends on size of your project
o Trace a CD on fabric and cut out circles
o Thread needle and stitch a running stitch around edge of circle leaving about ¼ inch edge
o Pull tightly and secure thread with a couple of small stitches
o Press circle yo-yo
o Make as many as necessary for the quilt, pillow, or throw, that you need
26. Belly Dance – for no other reason than fun and if you want, to still feel a wee bit sexy
There is a ton of information at this site. Just have fun. That’s what this is all about.
27. Make Black Cats for Halloween – use old sweat suits and sew litters of kitties
MATERIALS:
Sweat fleece
Thread and needle
Yarn
Fiberfill
Buttons and decorative affects
INSTRUCTIONS:
o Enlarge pattern on a copier
o Pin onto an old sweat-suit or get a yard
of fleece material.
o With right sides together, stitch around the cat’s body.
o Trim curves and corners.
o Braid yarn to make a tail.
o Stitch tail in place.
o Turn cat right side out and stuff with fiberfill.
o Use buttons, threads, and fabric scraps to decorate.
28. Pysanky – I’ve always had a hankering to do this
Supplies:
o Ukrainian Easter Egg Dyes, Stylus
o Beeswax
o Eggs, white vinegar, newspaper, tissues,
o Candles, spoons, pencils, cotton swabs,
o Elastic bands, drying rack
29. Cartoon – check out the search site if nothing else. I do encourage you to try your hand at this. It’s much easier than you think.
Search - cartooning
30. Run ½ Marathon – bit by bit, a little each day, you’ll feel better, you sleep better, you’ll have more energy – and good golly, you’ll be able to say you ran a half marathon!
o Choose a distance
o Find a schedule
o Walk/run
o It’s easier than you might imagine
31. Collect Something Quirky
From: Gooseberry Patch: The Country Friends Collection at Home, 1997
Quilts Snow Globes Linen
Pottery Cookie Jars Dolls
Teapots Lace Antique Toys
Salt and Pepper Shakers Post Cards Pewter
32. Yoga – stretch that beautiful body of yours
33. Whip Up Some Truffles – YUMMY!
o 1 pkg. Oreos (3 sleeves)
o 8 oz. Cream cheese
o 1 pound milk or dark chocolate
o ½ pound of white chocolate for drizzling
o Grind Oreos in food processor
o Blend in cream cheese (no white should be showing)
o Roll into balls and place on wax-lined cookie sheets
o Melt milk or dark chocolate in double boiler
o Dip Oreo balls
o Place on waxed paper and chill
o Melt white chocolate and drizzle over truffles
34. Visit a Renaissance Festival – you’ll find your share of characters (
o Find a faire near you at this site
o Prices range from $6 - $20
o Discounts for students
35. Put Together PVC Furniture – some pieces are a little tacky, some not so much
o Many things to make
o Many sites to visit
o Many of which are rather nice pieces of furniture
o Great for the Legoχ kid in the family
36. Take a Vow of Silence – there were many weekends I don’t remember speaking a word until my boys got back from their dad’s. As a single ma, alone, this is not much of a challenge, so give it a try to see if you can do it.
Why?
For religious practices.
To focus on the internal workings of your mind.
Until you finish a project.
Just because you can – since you spend so much time alone.
As an act of penance and discipline.
Organize a Vow of Silence to fund-raise for:
37. Dye Silk – a very pretty hobby
o Begin with a starter kit ~ $30
38. Visit an Observatory
Check out your nearest observatory. Ours offers Spectacular Saturdays the second Saturday of the month. Admission price for nonmembers is a reasonable $6.
39. Donate Life Straws – a cheap, effective way to save a person’s life
lifestraw.
Help reduce, by ½, the number of people without access to safe drinking water by 2015.
$6.50 purchases one straw that can be used by a child for almost a year.
40. Learn CPR – check your local hospitals to see when the next training is taking place
~$35 for adult CPR
41. Train Your Brain – it’s more malleable than you might think – use it, or lose it…use it and improve it
o Turn off the TV
o Exercise
o Laugh
o Read
o Eat protein
o Learn something new
42. Take an On-Line Bartending Course – then host a party and show-off your bartending skills
10 free lessons from basic introduction, to garnishes, cocktails (shaken and stirred), shots, and highballs
43. Collect Knick Knacks – hide them in boxes, containers, glassware, trunks so when the grandbabies, one day, come a calling, you’ve got a mishmash of creative tools awaiting for the children to bring to life
Save baubles, springs, marbles, mermaid’s tears, buttons, etc.
Start collecting child-like tidbits of peculiar objects that will stimulate their budding minds.
44. Chop up a Fruit Salsa
Salsa: Tortilla Chips:
2 kiwis peeled and diced 10 – 10” tortillas
2 Golden Delicious apples peeled and diced butter flavor cooking spray
8 oz. Raspberries 2 cups cinnamon sugar
1 pound strawberries
2 T. white sugar Preheat oven to 350*F.
1 T. brown sugar Spray one side of each
3 T. fruit preserves any flavor tortilla with spray.
Cut into wedges and put
Mix, cover and chill. on baking sheet.
Sprinkle with cinnamon sugar.
Spray again.
Bake 8-10 minutes.
45. Become the Travelocityχ Gnome – after watching Amelie, I fell in love with the Travelocity gnome. You must watch this movie. Paste magazine ranked it number 2 of the decade. Go and become the Travelocity gnome.
Visit interesting places and have your picture taken at the scene.
46. Exercise Your Face – most of the folks I know will one day have their faces surgically improved. I cannot afford the luxury of having mine rejuvenated. I’ll have to settle for face exercises instead. Check out the site. It may help, it may not, but it can’t hurt (I wouldn’t think).
47. Grid Draw – if you think you can’t draw, think again
48. Plant Birthday Trees – wait until spring if you must, but give each child a tree just the same
Dig up saplings, order on-line, or purchase from discount stories trees to plant in honor of your child’s birthday
49. Design Jewelry – there are truly too many kinds to limit your choices. Design, create, and wear.
50. Explore a One Hour Radius From Home – and develop an itinerary of what is wonderful near your home
51. Stuff Envelopes to Send to Loved Ones – comics, news articles, songs, pictures, candy, recipes, etc. Whatever you think your loved one will enjoy, send it on to show them you are thinking.
52. Play Cash Cabχ With Kids – quiz your kids over test questions, multiplication facts, current events, pop culture. If they get enough right answers, take them to the drive-thru for a cone. If they don’t, don’t leave them stranded, just go on your way instead.
53. Paint Vinyl Mats – using leftover vinyl flooring scraps, make easy to clean mats for inside your home. Prime the back, paint your design, and finish it with a protective coating. Avoid whites if you can because they tend to yellow when the protective coating has been added. Make holiday mats by copying Christmas cards, or look on-line to see pieces of work you’d like to have. Be creative and come up with your own designs.
54. Know Your Blood Pressure
Go to the pharmacy and test your blood pressure.
Systolic pressure – top number = when heart is pumping blood
Diastolic pressure – bottom number = when heart is at rest
120/80 or lower is normal.
140/90 or higher is high
55. Give Pennies to Charity – When we were kids our fundraiser at school was a penny parade. Kids were encouraged to bring to school as many pennies as we could find. We lined up our pennies, and the class with the most won. Nowadays, we don’t use our pennies much. We hoard them, and because of that pennies aren’t being circulated. Therefore more are being produced even though it costs more to make them than what they are worth, and in making new ones we are using precious resources. Find a charity you feel passionate about, collect, roll, give, and get those pennies moving once again.
56. Flirt – it’s been so long since I’ve flirted, I’m not sure I’d know how. But then again, I realize flirting just comes naturally when someone catches my eye. Don’t be afraid to flirt. Everyone needs to know someone finds them appealing, so make his day, even if he isn’t interested in you. You’re going to be good even if he’s not.
Can you tell when you are being hit upon?
Do you realize the messages you are sending?
Be flirtatious and fun.
Enjoy what you’ve got while you’ve got it.
Age is relative as you get older.
57. Grow an Herb Garden
o Find a large container approximately 20” in diameter with drainage holes
o Full sun at least 5 hours a day
o Soak clay pot over night
o Fill pot with approximately 2/3 of potting soil
o Plant herbs
o Sweet basil, oregano, rosemary, thyme, chives
58. Jump Rope – a great, cheap, and easy work-out. Get your doctor’s okay before starting an intense routine.
Follow a schedule
59. Dress the Part…Watch the Movie
When my kids were small, we all dressed up as a Batman villain or hero and watched a Batman movie. We upped the entertainment value by a long shot.
60. Check Your FICO Score
According to Fair Isaac, a leader in credit scoring, an average score is 723. Other sources say a very bad score is 300 and an excellent score is 850.
61. Compliment Others
Make it an intentional goal to compliment others. It may feel strange at first, but in time and with practice complimenting others will come natural.
62. Write Your Goals on Index Cards
Put your 10 year goals on a card.
Your five year goals on another card.
Your annual goals on a third card.
And your weekly/daily goals on a fourth.
Know where you are going.
63. Interview Your Neighbors
…then write their stories. Blog what you write, compile into a hard copy what you write, and give to the ones you are interviewing an ear so they know that they matter.
64. Attend College Plays and Recitals
Most college recitals are free to attend. High school and college plays are cheap forms of entertainment and the talent is most often pretty impressive.
65. Put Together a Creativity Kit – and keep it in your car
Box that contains:
o Notebook
o Container of water
o Erasers
o Pencils
o Ink pens
o Watercolor paper
o Watercolor pencils
66. Sell Your Talent
Who are you? How can you sell yourself based * hard-working
on the gifts you have? * diligent
* pro-active
Are you: * forward thinking
• willing to do your share of dirty work * determined
• optimistic * always persevering
• a hurdle jumper who loves challenges * someone who sees opportunity in difficult situations
67. Adopt a Child in Need – my husband and I adopted a child from India. When my husband left, I couldn’t abandon Shikumar’s family. I continued my sponsorship even when times were tough. I knew he was having a more difficult time than I. I hope I made a positive difference in his life.
68. Make a Family Holiday Card – celebrate life – celebrate the holidays
69. Line Dance
Our rec center offered cheap line dancing lessons. It was a great way to learn a few routines and meet new friends. Mostly women showed, but having a partner wasn’t a requirement.
70. Practice the Art of Aromatherapy – make your home smell wonderful, and help yourself feel better
71. Photograph Your 200 Most Fabulous People
…and record them in a photo album. I’ve added new acquaintances to my album and some I have removed. It’s hard to find 200 ‘Fabulous People’ if you don’t get off the sofa to meet them. Go. Meet. Live.
72. Hide $$ in Your Child’s Pocket
Get a slew of $2 bills (if you can still get them), or any denomination and hide them in places your child will find. We love finding a
forgotten bill every now and then, and
so does your child.
Hide money in their pocket, their backpack,
textbook (if they actually use it), their
shoe, or in their bed.
73. Plant a Cactus Garden
74. Design Masks
What fun!
75. Host an Art Exhibit – make the foods suggested in these pages, do the artwork recommended, serve the drinks that are mentioned … just have fun!
Work your art, give yourself a deadline, compile your pieces, then invite friends, colleagues, and family to enjoy your hard work. Become an inspiration to your friends. Model your bravery so they will be motivated to do the same.
76. Nuke a One-Cup Cake
This one came from a forwarded email.
4 T. flour 3 T. milk
4 T. sugar 3 T. oil
2 T. cocoa 3 T. chocolate chips (optional)
1 egg small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug
Mix dry. Mix wet. Mix together. Cook for 3 minutes.
77. Study Handwriting – Had I checked out the handwriting of Hubby Number 2, I doubt I would have ever married the man. Fun!
78. Take a Cheap Flight to Anywhere
Every Wednesday, I get an email from my local airport informing me of cheap flights that are available for the weeks ahead. One of these days. One of these days I am going to throw caution to the wind and take off. Sign yourself up to see just how reasonable the prices can be.
79. Give Money Secretively
When we give to others it reminds us of just how good we’ve got it. Give without expecting glory, praise, or recognition. You know if you can give, or if you can’t. Keep this a piece of the mystery of who you have become.
80. Brew Homemade Wine
81. Read Newbery Classics
o 2009 – The Graveyard Book – Neil Gaiman
o 2008 – Good Maters! Sweet Ladies! Voices from a Medieval Village – Laura Amy Schlitz
o 2007 – The Higher Power of Lucky – Susan Patron
o 2006 – Criss Cross – Lynne Rae Perkins
o 2005 – Kira-Kira – Cynthia Kadohata
o 2004 – The Tale of Despereaux – Kate DiCamillo
o 2003 – Crispin: The Cross of Lead – Avi
o 2002 - A Single Shard – Linda Sue Parker
o 2001 – A Year Down Yonder – Richard Peck
o 2000 – Bud, Not Buddy – Christopher Paul Curtis
82. Write a 400 Word Autobiography
Katherine Sharpe created 400 Words, a zine of short, non-fiction autobiographies of ordinary people. Read the stories of others and include your own. Hard copies are also available.
83. Become a Pastry Chef – umm, ummm
(10 free recipes)
84. Tat
In the classroom, we’re discouraged from using wiki-sites because of possible inaccurate information. For our use, to learn a new craft, use it as much as you’d like.
When I was a child, I visited two eccentric, elderly, missionary, doctor women who happened to be tatting that day. One of the women tried to teach me to tat and she tatted me off a foot long piece of lace. I thought it was absolutely beautiful.
Try a craft that will accentuate your individuality, creating in you an eccentric woman who fascinates the others.
85. Give Something Pretty to a Child
I’ve mentioned in these pages how my aunt’s friends, Henry and Winifred, gave me a beautiful ceramic container when I was a child. Something so very simple left an incredible, everlasting impression on me. Think of the power you have to make a child feel important by doing something so seemingly inconsequential as giving a simple gift.
86. Give Yourself a Grade
Set yourself a goal, give yourself a grade.
Possible subject areas:
o Raising happy, healthy kids
o Being true to yourself without harming anyone else
o Being the best you can be at your job without harming anyone else
o Giving back to the world
o Being a happy woman who passes goodness forward
o Finding for you a purpose that brings meaning for your life
87. Sew an Overnight Bag
88. Compost – do your part to make the world a healthier place
89. Start an Idea Collection
I won’t put a book away without trying something mentioned in its pages. As I am reading, I keep a post-it note on the book and when I am inspired by the author’s mention of a food, a word, an idea, or another book to read, on that paper it goes. When the book is read, I record my findings on index cards then organize them together in a box. For now, my collection makes little sense, but I did a similar thing with scattered notes before I found a foundation for this very book that I am writing. It all will come together in the end if you do your preparation.
90. Grow Potted Plants
91. Play With Power Tools
92. Sketch 3-Minute Drawings – choose a subject, set the timer for three minutes then draw. Make five pictures at a time. Fifteen minutes of practice each day adds up and you will get better in time. Save your sketches to see how much your talent has developed over just a short amount of time.
93. Make Heirloom Ornaments
94. Check Out Murano Millifiori – just because it’s so very beautiful
95. Mix Potpourri
o 6 cups of dried petals
o 1 ½ T. lemon herb, cinnamon, and rosemary
o 1/3 c. of orrisroot
o 3 drops of essential oil
o Mix together and place in an airtight jar for 4-6 weeks.
o Shake every week
96. Form a Secret Society
From Zorro, by Isabel Allende
To seek justice, nourish the hungry, clothe the naked, protect widows and orphans (I’ll admit, I felt a twang of resentment that divorcees were forgotten –again- and then I thought, doesn’t matter – I don’t need Zorro or anyone else to be my hero!) , give shelter to the stranger, and never spill innocent blood.
Okahue
o Honor
o Justice
o Respect
o Dignity
97. Speed Read
o The average person reads 150 wpm
o World Championship Readers read between 1,000 and 2,000 wpm but with only 50% comprehension
o Famous speed readers include: J.F. Kennedy, Jimmy Carter, and it’s been said so was Thomas Edison, though speed-reading, as a subject, was not invented during his life
o The U.S. Military developed speed-reading
o Download a trial version of:
Speed Reader Plus
98. Sculpt Pumpkins – Very cool stuff.
Then search Pumpkin Sculpting
99. Search for Former Classmates – get online and find former friends
100. Remember a Favorite Toy – an assignment from instructed us to remember our favorite toy. I was impressed by the love that came back to me for my dearly beloved, Cry Baby Dog. Think about your favorite toy, draw it, sculpt it, buy a replica if you can find one. You might be surprised by the emotions you had forgotten.
101. Bake Baby Lava Cakes – These are so good.
preheat oven to 400*F
Praline Sauce: Cakes:
½ c. sugar ¾ stick unsalted butter *Add to egg mixture whisking
1/3 c. packed brown sugar 3 oz. Finely chopped semi-sweet until combined
2 T. dark corn syrup chocolate * Spoon into ramekins
½ c. heavy cream 2 large eggs * Bake 10 minutes
1 large egg yolk * Cut a hole in top of each
Combine first 3 ing. in 3 T. sugar cake
Saucepan. Stir in cream. 1 tsp. vanilla * Bake about 5 more minutes
Cook till boils, stirring con- 1 ½ T. flour (watch cake edges)
stantly until sugar is dis- 1 ½ T. cocoa powder * Cool cakes for 3 minutes
solved. Reduce heat and 1/3 c. toasted pecan halves * Put on dessert plates
stir until thickened ~ 8 min. * Stir toasted pecans into sauce
Cover and keep warm. * Grease 4, 6-oz. Ramekins and pour onto each
* Melt butter and choc over low cake.
heat until melted – set aside
* Whisk eggs, egg yolk, and HEAVENLY
vanilla on high until lemon color
* Whisk in chocolate
* sift flour and cocoa
102. Attend a Bible Study – I took a Bible as literature course. It was very insightful. My boys and I attended a DaVinci Code Bible study, based on the popular novel by Dan Brown, and it was very informative. Find a church that offers lessons in the Bible that peak your interest.
103. Bake Whoopie Pies – oh, so good.
104. Find Creative Ways to Deal With Grumps
o Pray for them
o Ignore them
o Try to make them smile without annoying them
o Lighten their load if you can
o Write a song
o If they’re getting on your nerves, write a long letter then throw that letter away – it feels good! It feels like you’ve gotten off your chest what’s bothering you, and they aren’t upset at all because you said so
o Remind yourself that if they’re getting on your nerves it is a test of your character. Their behavior shouldn’t have any affect you at all.
105. Mix a Caprioska Cocktail
106. Plant Potted Strawberries
Materials: Directions:
24” strawberry pot with 6-8 pockets * soak unglazed terracotta pot in water for 1 hour
Potting soil * pour soil in tub, moisten with water and add
Fertilizer fertilizer
Pea gravel * place tube in center of pot and fill with gravel to
26” cardboard tube or PVC pipe 1 inch of pot’s top
Ever-bearing strawberry plants * add potting mix until it reaches first pocket
Tub to mix soil * plant strawberry plant and continue until pockets
are filled
* fill pot with soil until it is about 2” below rim
* plant 3-4 strawberry plants on top
* remove tube
107. Dip Strawberry Tuxedos
o Temper white chocolate then dip washed/dried
strawberries up to stem.
o Let harden.
o Temper dark chocolate.
o Dip sides and back of strawberry to make
tuxedo jacket.
o Use toothpicks to add dark buttons and
a light bowtie.
o How to Temper Chocolate
o Melt 2/3 chocolate in top of double boiler
o until chocolate reaches 118*F.
o Remove from heat and add remaining chocolate.
o Cool to 80*F.
o Reheat to 91*F for dark chocolate and 85*-87*F for
o white or milk chocolate.
108. Read Learned Optimism
by Martin E.P. Seligman, Ph.D. and
Learn to be Optimistic
Pessimist (Is this you?) Optimist (Is this you?)
• Bad events will last a long time. * This defeat is temporary.
• Bad events will undermine all I do. * This defeat is because of a
• It’s ‘MY’ fault. certain set of circumstances.
• Learned-helplessness – no matter * It’s not ‘MY’ fault.
what I do, it doesn’t matter. * Oooeee, I can overcome. This
is quite the challenge.
Find out the indictors of depression and learn about our circadian cycle. Discover how to hush those negative thoughts in your head. You might be surprised just how much we’re all in this together.
109. Take the Suze Orman Challenge
As seen on Oprah
o Don’t spend any money for 1 day
o Don’t use your credit card for 1 week
o Don’t eat out for 1 month
110. Tutor a Student
As a teacher, trust when I say, we need all of the help we can get. If you can offer an hour a week to tutor a child who is struggling, offer an hour a week.
111. Join Toastmasters χ δ
112. Enjoy the Rain
Plan to Do Something Creative on the Next
Rainy Day – Be Prepared
o Read a trashy novel
o Make donuts or truffles
o Scrapbook
o Spa day
o Make a tote-bag
o Go for a walk
113. Craft Cards for Your Friends
114. Be a Story Teller
The Story Factor – Annette Simmons
DO:
o Intrigue others
o Connect with others
o Leave them feeling hopeful
o Accept and honor differences
o of opinions
o Tap into things we all want
o Be authentic
DO NOT:
o Make others feel guilty
o Scare your audience
o Bore your listener
o Act superior
115. Skinny Dip
116. Recycle
117. Build Bluebird Houses
118. Play Backgammon
119. Send a Letter to Your Favorite Author
120. Write a 2000 Word Autobiography on the Life You Want – then live it
121. Practice Calligraphy
122. Sculpt
123. Design a Personal Business Card
124. Treat Yourself to Affordable, Specialty Chocolates
From the AP (ages ago):
o Bliss Chocolate – Target/Walmart
o Starbucks – Target/Walmart
o Dove – supermarkets, Target/Walmart
o Dagoba Organic Chocolate (Hershey’s) – Natural Food Stores
o ChocoPod – Pier One
o Green and Black’s – supermarkets and drugstores
125. Hide $$ in Your Child’s Textbook
126. Sketch TV Faces
127. Sit for a Glamour Shot
128. Sculpt Marzipan
Basic Recipe
o ¼ pound of blanched almond
o ¼ pound powdered sugar
o 1 egg white
o ¼ tsp. salt
129. 15 Minutes of Doing Nothing
I’m guessing both of my exes would defend their decision to leave me by asking could you blame them for ending their relationship with this horrible, wretch of a women. But I’m not a bad person. Sure there were times in marriage I was. I was miserable and as a neglected wife that wretchedness couldn’t help but surface. Let’s face it, the gay guy wasn’t interested, adding insult to an already low self-image, and the second guy was more concerned with his own needs than mine. Regardless of my past and what my exes might say, decades beyond my middle school beliefs I’ve learned that I’m a pretty decent gal after all because thirty-plus years later I’m finally being true to myself.
Instead, what I got was this life, where I find myself today, in a place where I do not belong. Here I sit, my ninth Christmas alone editing this book. I wouldn’t wish this life of empty friendships on anyone. But it’s the life I have and I must make of it the best I can. I spent years fighting the life I was living and until I accepted my lot in life I was miserable. These days, finally even on Christmas Day, I’ve grown pretty content being alone.
Had I remained at home I doubt very much I would have spent even one holiday by myself. I am an outsider where I find myself today. I do not share the values of most of the people I know. My friends in my town are friends, but they are not the do or die pals I once knew. Until I change my values, which I won’t, I will not find in this town the kind of friend I long to have. It’s hard to speak my mind when I know my core beliefs go against everything they value. So
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Soul
Be a Hero
Family
Brain
Home
Body/Esteem
On the left side of each area write the good things life has shared with you. On the right side, put down those things you need to improve.
Work
What do you want from life?
How are you going to get it?
Soul
Brain
Be a Hero
Family
Fears
Home
Plan
Work
Body/Esteem
What do you have?
What do you need?
Fears
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