Sample student essays

APPENDIX

Sample student essays

This appendix includes six student essays based on five readings, both short stories and non-fiction selections,

included on previous English Exit Exams. The markers¡¯ assessments for each of the three areas measured by the

Exam: Comprehension and Insight, Organization of Response, and Expression, are listed at the beginning of each

example. There are no comments on the essays themselves. This is consistent with the practice followed during

the marking sessions, as markers do not make any corrections or notes on the original copies. However, for

illustrative purposes, certain parts of each essay have been highlighted.

A commentary and a completed assessment sheet follow each example. The commentary provides an explanation of

the way the essay was marked. Note that for each criterion, a student may earn an M+ (well met), an M (met), or an

M- (not met). These assessments translate into letter grades, from A to F, for each of the three areas listed above.

For an illustration, refer to page 5 of the Marking Guide to review the grid used by markers of the exam. Detailed

descriptions of assessments of M+, M, or M- for all criteria may be found in the relevant sections of the Marking

Guide.

M+, well met, means that the student has ¡°clearly met and surpassed the objective.¡±

M, met, means that ¡°the student has adequately met the objective.¡±

M-, not met, means that ¡°the student has not met the objective.¡±

Note that students may earn an A in a category by indicating that they have very good to excellent mastery of the

Exam requirements. An essay that is awarded A¡¯s may contain some flaws, but overall it is judged to have ¡°clearly

met and surpassed the objective¡± by earning M+ in 3 or 4 of the categories associated with the criterion. In

contrast, a student may make many errors in one category, thus earning an M- in that area, and still earn a C on

the criterion, overall, if markers assess the student as having met (M) the other three objectives.

The grading system was designed specifically to be used to mark this exam and ¡°is not intended to correspond to

letter grade systems used elsewhere.¡± (Marking Guide 5)

SAMPLE 1

Student grade: AAA

The following essay is based on a non-fiction selection that appeared on the December 2003 exam: an essay:

¡°Fathers, Sons, and Hockey¡± by Roy MacGregor.

Note the following:

? The student¡¯s main idea is underlined once in the introductory paragraph.

? The student¡¯s thesis statement is underlined twice.

? The topic sentences of each paragraph appear in italics.

? The student¡¯s references to techniques and devices appear in bold letters.

? [Critical comments] appear in square brackets.

? Sample errors in Expression, particularly sentence structure or grammar, are shaded.

For an explanation of how this essay was assessed, refer to the commentary at the end of the selection and to

the completed assessment sheet. Note, too, the list of possible main ideas listed on the Correctors¡¯ Key for this

reading, included after the commentary.

***

¡°Fathers, Sons and Hockey¡±, by Roy MacGregor, is a short essay about the nature of father-son

relationships in general and, more specifically, in hockey. MacGregor asserts that, despite what may be true

about other paternal relationships, in hockey the father-son relationship is reinforced through constant bonding

and mutual support. In order to understand precisely how MacGregor makes his case, it is necessary first to

explain his exploration of ideas put forth about father-son relationships in general. Second, the reader needs to

understand his development of the idea that relationships in hockey provide an exception to general perceptions

about the distant nature of father-son interactions. Thirdly, one needs to be able to follow MacGregor¡¯s

explanation of why this is the case. Overall, however, it is important to pay attention to MacGregor¡¯s supporting

arguments and justification in order to see that, while his heart is in the right place, his interpretation of the

¡°facts¡± as he states them is open to criticism.

One of the purposes of MacGregor¡¯s text is to make statements and respond to various claims about

paternal relationships. For example, MacGregor quotes Bertrand Russell as saying ¡°the fundamental defect of

fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them. (6). In some ways, MacGregor agrees with him

and comments that ¡°Fathers can¡¯t help themselves . . .¡° (6). [The argument that MacGregor is attempting to

make in his essay, however, is that this ¡®defect¡¯ referred to by Russell does not hinder the development of

relationships at all.] In fact, the author sees hockey as an exception to the commonly held views. In further

development of this idea, MacGregor gives the example of Olga Silverstein and Beth Rashbaum who presented, in

their book ¡°The Courage to Raise Good Men¡±, the notion that there is a salient need for the increased

participation of fathers in the family. MacGregor does not dispute this claim, in general, but says in response

that there is¡° . . . little such hunger in hockey¡± (7). [In support of his views, MacGregor latches on to the theory

Sample 1 ¨C Student grade: AAA

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proposed by Ken Rappoport that hockey encourages family values and increases the personal bond between

father and son.] MacGregor uses examples of various ¡®star¡± hockey players who make it clear to him that . . . it

is undeniable that there is something about fathers and sons and hockey worthy of examination (7). For

MacGregor, it is as much by necessity, as by any virtue or property of the sport that key family values are

reinforced. [It is important for a critical understanding of MacGregor¡¯s argument to note his justification and

explanation for why hockey is an exception to what experts point to as the degradation of the institution of the

family in the west.]

MacGregor explains why hockey preserves the father-son bond as being a necessary product of

circumstance. He uses examples and comparison to support his argument. The circumstances in hockey are

simply different from those associated with most other North American sports, says MacGregor. [He believes

that, in playing hockey, a child needs the economic and emotional support of his family.] Fathers must be willing

to make it out to 5 a.m. practices, drive their sons and dress them, watch their practices and support them. For

MacGregor, it is the sheer devotion, time and compassion that is required, the ultimate level of personal

involvement that lends to hockey families this incredible father-son bond.

A brief analysis of MacGregor¡¯s justification provides a better understanding of the techniques and devices

that he employs. Much of MacGreogor¡¯s argument revolves around the allusion to, and comparisons of,

various examples of hockey fathers and sons. He discusses Martin McSorley, who publicly greeted his father

with a kiss, and Brett Hull, who was inspired by his father Bobby Hull. Also, MacGregor responds to various

theorists who complain about the degradations of family values, comparing Robert Blys¡¯ ¡°ritual space¡± to hockey

dressing rooms, and contrasting ¡®fathers who lose their sons five minutes after birth¡± with fathers who attend

group sessions. [Unfortunately most of MacGregor¡¯s responses are irrelevant or unsatisfactory.] Also,

MacGregor comments about Walt Disney, that he retreated to his¡° . . . empire that portrayed fathers as

essentially ineffectual, bumbling and usually absent¡± (6), after Disney had observed that very few songs were

written about fathers. [MacGregor [MacGregor¡¯s arguments are faulty here; perhaps Disney does portray fathers

pejoratively but that does not decrease the relevance or factuality of his claim. MacGregor also completely

ignores the role of the mother, except to say that she might attend a hockey game or two to cheer on her son. In

the context of the twenty-first century, MacGregor¡¯s focus solely on the father in the hockey family is

chauvinistic and unrealistic.] Many mothers perform the same duties as fathers, negating the argument about

hockey and its ability to foster father-son relationships. [Lastly, MacGregor uses anecdotal evidence, which,

while illustrating his point, should be avoided in a formal argument.]

To conclude, MacGregor argues that hockey reinforces the father-son relationship by necessitating the

achievement of expectation and consistent bonding. He agrees with experts about father-son relationships in

general but claims that hockey is an exception to the rule. MacGregor justifies his argument with examples,

responses to arguments about the family in general and comparison of stories and ideas. An analysis of his

justification reveals his use of allusion, examples, comparisons, contrast and the dialectical progression of his

own argument in responses to others. All of these literary techniques and devices are employed by MacGregor in

the text. However, a brief analysis of his argument also reveals certain ambiguities, fallacies and irrelevant

points that cast doubt on whether or not MacGregor¡¯s text would stand up to sustained criticism. All the same,

Macgregor¡¯s points still stand, yet the larger question looms as to, regardless of whether he¡¯s right or not, what

exactly is causing the break-up of the family in the West.

Sample 1 ¨C Student grade: AAA

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COMMENTARY

The student writer has taken a decided stand against the position expressed by Roy MacGregor. He

acknowledges MacGregor¡¯s idea in the opening paragraph when he writes, ¡°MacGregor asserts that, despite what

may be true about other paternal relationships, in hockey the father-son relationship is reinforced through constant

bonding and mutual support.¡± However, the student uses MacGregor¡¯s own examples to refute the position taken

by the author, rather than simply agreeing with everything MacGregor says. The student sprinkles the text with

critical comment. The bracketed sentences throughout the student essay illustrate some of these critical

statements. In fact, in his thesis statement (Overall, however, it is important to pay attention to MacGregor¡¯s

supporting arguments and justification in order to see that, while his heart is in the right place, his interpretation of

the ¡°facts¡± as he states them is open to criticism.), the student clearly sets out his interpretation and reaction to the

content of MacGregor¡¯s essay.

The student refers to techniques and devices used by the author, although some of the discussion needs

further development. However, the content of the essay reinforces the student¡¯s understanding of the author¡¯s use

of example and comparison to present his argument, while explaining that MacGregor¡¯s choices are not always

appropriate. The student¡¯s acknowledgement of MacGregor¡¯s use of literary devices shows an understanding of

how an author uses such techniques to communicate ideas. There are enough references to the text to support the

views expressed in the introduction. In addition, the student chooses references from the entire text, not just a

limited section, to develop the essay.

The student earns M+ in four categories in Comprehension and Insight, for an overall grade of A.

The essay follows the ideas in the thesis statement. It is organized into five paragraphs, with clear topic

sentences that follow the key ideas introduced in paragraph one. The contents of the paragraphs relate to the

topics, with no irrelevant digressions, and there is enough detail to support the ideas. The student uses some

transition words to help the reader follow ideas within the paragraphs, creating paragraph unity. In addition,

there are transition words guiding the reader from one paragraph to another, contributing to a well-structured

essay. The conclusion sums up the essay on a satisfactory note, even raising another related issue.

Admittedly, the essay is longer than that required for the Exit Exam, but it sustains its focus throughout,

and conveys the message set out in the thesis idea. (Note that there is no penalty for writing more than the

required 750-word essay, while essays of less than 600 words automatically fail.) The student earns M+ in all

four categories for an overall grade of A in Organization of Response.

The student makes almost no errors in grammar, spelling, punctuation and mechanics. Excerpts from

MacGregor¡¯s text are well integrated into the student¡¯s own sentences, and there is a wide variety of correct

sentence types in the essay. Vocabulary is appropriately used and varied. The student thus earns M+ in all four

categories in Expression for an A.

Overall, under examination conditions, this essay would be judged excellent on all counts.

Sample 1 ¨C Student grade: AAA

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CORRECTOR¡¯S KEY

¡°Fathers, Sons and Hockey¡± by Roy MacGregor.

Possible Main Ideas

Male bonding

Parenting

Father-son relationships

Hockey and values

Fathers vs mothers in hockey

Differences in parent¡¯s roles in relation to sports

Role of the family in hockey sports

Influence of sports on families

Sample 1 ¨C Student grade: AAA

Passion for sports

Rituals

Father-hunger

Hockey traditions

Stereotyping of the roles of males and females

Role of tradition and ritual in a sports context

Ways of participating in sport

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