My best jokes - Tripod
Merry-go-round
(My Best Jokes)
COLLECTED AND RETOLD
BY
AVRI ROBERT SHACHAM
JOKE CATEGORIES:
A
AFTERLIFE 5, 7
AIRLINE STORIES 11
ANIMAL WORLD 17
ARMY STORIES 27
AT SCHOOL 31
AT THE CARD-TABLE 35
AT THE COURT-OF-LAW 37
AT THE RESTAURANT 39
AT WORK 41
B
BLONDES 46
BOYS AND GIRLS 59
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS 70
C
C’EST LA VIE 76
D
DOCTORS AND PATIENTS 83
DRINKING PROBLEM 100
E
ECUMENICAL STORIES 104
ENGLISH JOKES 134
ETHNIC STORIES 136
F
FOR YOUR KIDS 187
FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES 191
G
GAY LIBERATION FRONT 207
GENIES, JINNS AND FAIRIES 211
GHOST STORIES 216
I
IN THE MIDDLE EAST 218
INDIANS 225
L
LAWYERS 227
LOONIES 231
M
MALE CHAUVINISTS 234
MARITAL BLISS 242
MISERS 279
MODERN FABLES 283
MOTHER-IN-LAW 292
MOTHERS 287
N
NAUGHTY JOKES 295
NOUVEAU RICHE 324
O
OLD AGE HUMILIATIONS 327
ON THE FARM 348
OUT OF AFRICA 353
P
PARENTING 355
POLITICAL JOKES 357
PRANKS 367
PREPOSTEROUS STORIES 368
S
SALESMEN 371
SIMPLETONS (POLICEMEN & OTHERS) 374
SPORTING WORLD 382
STRAIGHT FROM THE HIP 385
T
TAX MATTERS 387
TECHNOLOGY/COMPUTERS 389
THE ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR 395
THE ESTABLISHMENT 396
THOSE PROFESSIONALS 397
V
VIAGRA 398
W
WOMEN’S LIB 401
Merry-go-round - My Collection of Jokes
I have always enjoyed a good joke, but there are many others who laugh heartily at a joke. What makes me different from them is, that I remember most of the jokes I hear and when it comes to story-swapping time, I can retell them to a new audience, sort of spreading the good word. In my 70 or so years, I have heard many a good joke (and even more bad ones). I really think that telling bad jokes, or rather telling good jokes badly, should be declared a federal offense. I just hope that you, the reader, will not accuse me of committing the very same offense.
On occasion, when I have told a few jokes at the office or at home to friends, I was asked about the number of jokes I remember. All I could answer was that I remember a great many jokes, but I didn't realize how many until at the suggestion of Rosie, my assistant at the office, I sat down at my computer and started to write them down. I wondered whether I would dry out like a well in the desert after remembering a few dozen jokes. Happily, the jokes kept popping up and voilà here is a book full of them.
I did not include in this collection all the jokes I know. I tried to exclude those, which - in my opinion - are in poor taste, or just plain bad. Other jokes, some of them quite excellent, in the various foreign languages that I speak, or understand, do not translate well. Still others are no longer funny due to the passing of time, changes in mentality, morality, taste, age, advancing technology, etc.
For example, in the "FOR YOUR KIDS" category there is a joke about prosthetics, which made me laugh my head off as a young boy. Today, I no longer find it that funny, but I decided to include it anyway. I find it improbable that the Education Department would classify this book as Recommended for Youth, but children being who they are, they will happen on it and will probably find the above joke and maybe some others in this category, the best of the lot.
Still other jokes never tickled my funny bone - like everything else, humor is a matter of taste. My 24-year-old son thinks that most of the jokes recounted at our dinner table are not funny at all. Therefore, I hereby categorically state that this collection is made up of jokes that reflect my personal preferences, which may differ from yours. I hope most of the items in the collection are new to you; on the other hand, many a good, old joke may be enjoyed over and over. I sincerely hope that you will like them, but should you not find them funny, then you may have opened the wrong book!
In my opinion a book of funny stories is not like any other piece of fiction, to be read continuously. Jokes, like good food, lose their taste when consumed too hastily. A collection of funny stories is more like anti-depressant medicine, to be taken a few sips at a time, when your spirits are particularly low. Alternatively, jokes can be used as a reference material, which you leave (after you have found the item you were looking for) on your bedside table, or some other convenient location, (the Dutch have a delightful habit of putting a book of jokes in the loo!) ready for the next opportunity.
To enable the reader to find the type of joke best suited to his whim at the moment, or to the specific occasion, I tried to categorize them - even though in some cases there are only a few jokes in a particular category, or conversely, some jokes belong to more than one category. Some people are of the opinion that the best jokes deal invariably with sex; others love scatological, mother-in-law, absent-minded professor or ethnic jokes, which poke fun at the presumed idiosyncrasies of other nationalities. Many stories are of the latter type and I truly hope, that my readers' sensibilities will not be offended - as no insult was intended. Personally, I love Jewish anecdotes, provided they are not malicious. I also included a category called "THE MIDDLE EAST" I don't mind if you have a hearty laugh at our expense, if you permit me to laugh at your expense. After all, it is said that laughter is good for your health.
At last, some acknowledgements: First of all I want to thank Rosie Solomon, at whose exhortation I started writing this book and who was the first to laugh at many of the jokes included in it (and a most hearty laughter she has!). Special thanks are due to my good friend Judy Paz, who performed some of the very necessary editing on the first version of the manuscript. Other friends to be thanked are Shlomo Barnea, a seemingly inexhaustible source for new jokes and different versions/new punch-lines for old ones. Then there are those who e-mailed me some stuff, Deganith Greier and Yehoshua Solomon of Israel, my good friend David Teschner and Philippe Boucher both of Canada and Francine Bramble of the USA.
Have good laugh! You deserve to, everybody deserves to.
ACCOUNTANTS
SLEEP DISORDER
An accountant was having a hard time sleeping and went to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That's the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
SIMPLE ACCOUNTING
One Friday evening, an accountant left a letter for his wife. It read:
"To My Dear Wife (that's what he called her), you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight".
When the man came home, he found the following letter:
"My Dear Husband (that's what she called him), I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my handsome and virile tennis coach, who like your secretary is 18 years old. Being a successful accountant, with an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow".
HUSBANDRY
A woman walked into an accountant’s office and told him that she needed to file her taxes. The accountant said:
“Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He wrote down her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asked:
“What is your occupation?”
The woman replied:
“I’m a whore.”
The accountant balked:
“No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman said:
“OK, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both thought for a minute, then the woman stated:
“I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant wondered:
“What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore, or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 3,000 cocks last year.”
Brief notes:
* “An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.”
* Question:
“What does an accountant use for birth control?”
Answer:
“His personality.”
AFTERLIFE
EVERY ROSE HAS A THORN
A guy died and woke up to find he is in Hell. He was really depressed as he stood in line waiting to talk to the admittance demon. He thought to himself:
“I know I led a wild life, but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this.”
Looking up, he saw it was his turn to be processed. With fear and a heavy heart, he walked up to the demon.
Demon: “Why so glum, chum?”
Guy: “Well, what do you expect? I'm in Hell.”
Demon: “Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun. You a drinkin’ man?”
Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.”
Demon: “Well, you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. And you don't have to worry about your liver, because you're already dead! You'll love Mondays. You a smoker?”
Guy: “You better believe it.”
Demon: “All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke your friggin' lungs out without worrying about cancer, because you're already dead. You're going to love Tuesdays. How about drugs? You like to do any drugs?”
Guy: “In my younger days I experimented a little, but I never inhaled.”
Demon: “Well, you can experiment with anything you want on Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can take, snort, drop, or shoot any kind of drug, smoke a doobie the size of a submarine and if you overdose, it’s okay … you're already dead. You're gonna love Wednesdays. I bet you like to gamble.”
Guy: “Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
Demon: “Well, Thursdays are for you! We gamble all day and night – black jack, craps, slots, horse races, you name it! You're gonna love Thursdays.”
Guy: “Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!”
Demon: “You gay?”
Guy: “Uh, no.”
Demon: (wincing): “Ooh, you're gonna hate Fridays...”
REINCARNATION
Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed, that if either died, the other one would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out:
“John, Dear John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”
A ghostly voice answered her:
“Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”
Martha tearfully asked:
“Oh John, what is it like where you are?”
“It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”
“Well what do you do all day?” - asked Martha.
“Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep at about 11 p.m.”
Martha was somewhat taken aback:
“Is that what heaven really is like?”
“Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha.”
“Well then where are you?”
“I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona.”
THE CATCH
A pair of identical twin brothers lived in a certain town. One lived a godly life, was a good husband and father, a reputable businessman and did lots of community service. The other cheated and lied, was a hell-raiser, a drunkard, unfaithful to his wife and mean to his kids. They both died at about the same time. The good twin was in Heaven and could look down on his bad twin in Hell. The place was not as he imagined. He saw his brother drinking, partying and dancing, having beautiful women, with lots of passionate kissing going on. The good twin went up to St Peter and said:
“Mind you, I'm not complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he's having the time of his life. He has his own beer keg and just look at that gorgeous woman he is kissing.”
St Peter put an arm on the man's shoulder and said:
“My son, all is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it. The woman doesn't.”
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
A football player came to the well-known fortune-teller and asked her:
“Look here, lately I haven’t been feeling so well and since the game of football is the most important thing in my life, I would like to know, if it is played in heaven.”
The soothsayer looked through her crystal ball and after a while uttered:
“I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that they do play football in heaven – they have even a National League. The bad news is, that you are scheduled to play next Sunday.”
HEALTHY LIFE
This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” – Peter replied, – “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked:
“What are the green fees?”
Peter’s reply:
“This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” – asked the old man..
“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” – Peter replied.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” – the old man asked timidly.
“That’s the best part,” – explained Peter, – “you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!”
The old man looked at his wife and said:
“You and your darned bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!!”
YULETIDE
Three bachelors were waiting at the Pearly Gates to get in. St. Peter said:
"It's nearing Christmas. Give, or tell me something significant to fit the season."
The first bachelor went through his pockets, pulled out a book of matches, lighted one and said:
"This is supposed to be a candle."
"Good enough" - said St. Peter.
The second bachelor pulled out a set of keys and jingled them.
"What's that?" – asked St. Peter. The bachelor said:
"It's Jingle Bells."
St. Peter sighed heavily and said:
"Fine...go ahead.”
Bachelor three started going through his pockets, looking for something that would be significant to Christmas...finally he pulled out a pair of panties.
St. Peter said:
" What's THAT got to do with Christmas?"
The bachelor replied:
" They're Carols."
FORD AND GOD
Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford:
“Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention – the assembly line – changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven.”
Ford thought about it and said:
“I want to hang out with God Himself.”
The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Ford then asked God:
“Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?”
God said: “Ah, yes.”
“Well,” – said Ford, – “you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. Maintenance is very costly
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing
5. It is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days
6. The rear end wobbles too much, and
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.”
“Hmmm,” – replied God, – “hold on.”
God went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper.
“It may be that my invention is flawed,” – God replied to Henry Ford, – “but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!”
AIRLINE STORIES
ENGINEERING PROBLEM
The new type of fighter developed by the manufacturer was the latest word in technology. Fly-by-wire instrumentation, high velocity, it had everything except for one small but crucial problem:
As soon as the plane reached a certain speed, its wings started breaking off.
All prototypes crashed. The test pilots managed to bail out, but even the best minds could not come up with a solution as to how to strengthen the wing structure. At last an ad was published in the professional magazines, promising a reward of $100,000 to anyone who could come up with a workable solution.
Several proposals were received, but when tested, the wings kept breaking off. One day, a middle-aged, balding fellow appeared at the engineering offices and offered a unique solution: Small holes were to be drilled throughout the airplane’s wing roots. To the Chief Engineer it seemed like the craziest, most harebrained proposal he had ever heard.
“Excuse me, Sir,” - he asked, - “do you have a degree in aeronautics engineering?”
“No,” - replied the man, - “I am a tailor.”
The engineer deliberated for a while and then decided to try the proposal. What did he have to lose? Without solving the wing-problem, the airplane was a failure anyway. The small holes were drilled; the plane took off and performed exactly as it should. Even at the highest velocity the wings held up. The Chief Engineer called in the man with the proposal and informed him that he is entitled to the reward. He had only one request:
“Can you please tell me how you arrived at this extraordinary solution?”
“I am an observant kind of person and I noticed that toilet paper always tears everywhere, except at the perforation.”
CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT
On the new Boeing aircraft great emphasis was given to passenger comfort. One of the interesting innovations was, that there were separate washrooms for ladies and gentlemen. During the airplane’s maiden flight, one of the passengers had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the male lavatories, but found them to be occupied. A stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps and had pain and anxiety written all over his face. The girl took pity on the visibly suffering passenger and though expressly forbidden to do so, let him use one of the female washrooms. She warned him not to touch any of the buttons on the wall installed for the ladies’ convenience. The man was about to pop and would have promised anything, just to get into one of these small cubicles.
The relief was pure joy and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP” and there was one red button labeled “ATR”. Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. A good feeling came over him. The male lavatory didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.
He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped and without hesitation pressed the “PP” button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies’ toilet was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure. He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He pressed the button and came to in the hospital. He did not remember a thing, but saw that he was bandaged around his midriff. The nurse staring down at him with a smirk on her face would not answer his questions and all the doctor was ready to tell him was that he was no longer a man. Only when a remorseful airline executive showed up with a huge bouquet of flowers, did he learn of the reason for his debilitating injury.
“Would somebody tell me what happened? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies lavatory!!!” - asked the man furiously.
“You pushed one too many button,” - replied the embarrassed executive. “That last button marked “ATR” is an Automatic Tampax Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”
FIRST THINGS FIRST
A short while after takeoff the Captain switched on the public address system and welcomed the passengers on Flight 321 to New York. He informed them that the flight will take 7 hours and 50 minutes and added that the crew would soon be serving dinner. Wishing them a pleasant flight he switched off the microphone or rather thought he did, leaned back in his seat and sighing contentedly said to his First Officer:
“I’ll have a cup of coffee now and then I’ll have a little romp with that pretty new stewardess.”
The passengers received his remarks, transmitted over the loudspeakers, with enthusiastic cheers. One of the stewardesses moved quickly towards the cockpit to warn the Captain that the microphone was left open. An elderly lady, sitting on an aisle seat, stopped her and said:
“You don’t have to hurry, my dear! The man said that he is going to have a coffee first!”
Being married to a pilot means your husband is never home when you really need him.
WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?
In the morning before he was due to leave on a transatlantic flight, the pilot’s wife complained to her husband that their car does not start in the morning.
“What do you think I am an auto mechanic?” - said the pilot indignantly. “Get the man from the garage come down and have it fixed.”
Just then, the sound of a honking car was heard. The airline captain picked up his bag, kissed his wife and left, not to be seen for a week.
The next week, the wife griped that the door to the kitchen does not close properly and could her husband do something about it. Again the pilot was ready with an answer:
“Do you think I am a carpenter? I make enough money so that we can afford to have a handyman replace all the doors in the house.”
And off he went winging into the blue skies.
The next time, it was the water-faucet that was dripping, then the flowers were affected with a mysterious affliction but her hubby invariably told his wife to get a specialist to fix the trouble. Then one day the complaints stopped. The car started at the turn of the key, all the doors opened and closed silently and effortlessly, the bathroom tap no longer dripped and the flowers in their garden were blooming as never before.
“What happened?” - inquired the pilot. “Did you have a lot of trouble getting all these things fixed?”
“No trouble at all,” - replied his wife with a bright face. “A neighbor who is very good with his hands was kind enough to offer me his help and managed to put everything back in working order.”
“And what did you give him in return?” - demanded her husband. “Did he accept money?”
“He told me I have two choices: I can either sing for him, or go to bed with him.”
“And what was your choice?”
“Who do you think I am, a singer?”
A CONVINCING ARGUMENT
On a flight out of one of the Eastern European countries, a farmer got on the airplane. He put his bundle of belongings on one seat, his cane and hat on the other and deposited his ample behind on a third seat. The stewardess asked him to move his baggage to the overhead bin or under his seat and tried to assist him with the task, but the man just glared at her fiercely and she desisted.
One of the passengers noticed her problem and offered assistance.
“I know these people,” - he said. He went over to the man, whispered in his ear and after a short while, the farmer got up and moved his things off the two seats. The stewardess was very thankful to the helpful passenger, but wanted to know:
“What did you tell him that made him move his gear so readily?”
“I explained to him that these seats are flying to a different destination.”
OUTSTANDING SERVICE
On a Singapore Airlines flight, an unaccompanied minor was entrusted to the care of a young stewardess. She gave him some puzzles to work out and went to see about the rest of her duties. Somewhere above the ocean, the boy told the stewardess that he had to go to the bathroom urgently. The girl took him to the toilet, showed him the facilities and left him to his own devices. Soon enough the child finished his business, but instead of returning to his seat, wandered off in the opposite direction. Meanwhile, unnoticed by the flight attendant, another passenger entered the same toilet. When 5-6 minutes passed and the caring stewardess did not see the boy come out of the restroom, she went over to the toilet door, knocked on it and in a soft voice asked:
“Do you need any help with your zipper dear?”
From inside a startled voice was heard:
“Good Grief! Singapore Airlines really does provide outstanding service.”
CUSTOMER RELATIONS
The passengers on the transatlantic flight had just finished their meal and were comfortably relaxed, when the loudspeakers suddenly came on:
“This is the captain speaking. I would like to advise you that we have just lost our starboard engine. However, please remain calm. We have everything under control. This aircraft can operate with three engines just as well.”
About fifteen minutes later a movie was shown in the cabin and the passengers almost forgot the previous announcement, when the captain’s voice was heard again:
“I am sorry, but we seem to have lost another engine. You have no cause to worry. The aircraft is capable of flying with two engines. However, purely as a precautionary measure, those passengers who can swim, should concentrate on the left side of the cabin and those who cannot, should move to the right side.”
Another fifteen minutes passed and the now familiar voice was heard again on the public address system:
“This is the captain once again. We have just lost our third engine and are initiating ditching procedures. All passengers are requested to don their life vests. As soon as the aircraft comes to a complete stop, the crew will open the exit doors. Please remove your shoes and follow the instructions of your crew in using the emergency escape slides. Those on the left side of the plane can commence swimming towards the shore. Those on the right side will remain floating and it is hoped, will eventually be located and rescued. In any case, should we not meet again, I want to thank you for flying with our airline.”
PECKING ORDER
A white, Chinese and a black woman were seated on adjacent seats on an airplane. All of a sudden a frantic voice announced over the passenger address system that the plane was going to crash. Immediately the white woman pulled out her make-up and started primping. The other two asked her what she was doing. She replied:
“After a crash they always look for the beautiful people first.”
The Chinese women opened her purse and started putting on all of her jewelry. When the other two asked her what she was doing, she answered:
“After a crash they always look for the rich people first.”
At that the black women started taking off her pants and of course the other two women asked her what she was doing. She said:
“I don't know where you all get your info, but they always search for the black box first!”
CLARIFICATION
A student was heading to Miami for Spring Break. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to Miami. As she gave the agent her luggage, she remarked:
"I'd like you to send my brown suitcase to Nova Scotia and my black suitcase to Paris."
The confused agent said:
"I'm sorry, miss, we just can't do that."
"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
EMERGENCY PROCEDURE
“Pilot to Tower . . . Pilot to Tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!”
“Tower to Pilot …Tower to Pilot … repeat after me: ‘Our Father, who art in heaven…’”
On-time departure
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said:
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant:
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The flight attendant asked:
“Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
He said:
“Yes”
So she said:
“Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.”
IDENTITY CRISIS
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted:
“Let's go!”
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” - said the photographer - “and make several low-level passes.”
“Why?” - asked the nervous pilot.
“Because I'm going to take pictures!” - yelled the photographer. “I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”
After a long pause, the “pilot” replied:
“You mean, you're not my instructor?”
EL AL
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al..
"Would you like dinner?" - the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?," - Moshe asked.
"Yes or no," - she replied.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking:
"What time is it?"
The tower responded:
"Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied:
"What difference does it make?"
The tower replied:
"It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'"
HOSTESS
Passenger, to a Sexy Air Hostess:
“What is your name?”
Air Hostess answered:
“Benz, Sir!”
Passenger said:
“Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedes Benz?”
Air hostess:
“Same price, Sir."
COMMON COURTESY
Flying 30000 feet above the mountains, suddenly all four engines failed. The captain announced on the PA system:
“Ladies and gentlemen, please remain seated in your designated seats, so as to facilitate the identification. Thank you for flying with us”.
ANIMAL WORLD
CAT ON THE ROOF
A bachelor loved his cat so much that he would hurry home after work to see if everything was all right with it. He hardly ever joined his mates, who usually went to the pub. One day he was sent overseas on business and had to leave his beloved pet with his next-door neighbor, who promised to take good care of it. The next day when the man phoned and asked about the cat’s welfare, he learned to his astonishment that it met with an accident and was dead. The man was grief-stricken. It took him several (long distance) minutes to recover his wits and speak up:
“As a good friend, I expected you would have had some consideration for my feelings and not have sprung this calamity on me so abruptly,”- he said in a broken voice.
“I am sorry that I caused you so much distress,” - answered the neighbor. “How should I have broken the news to you?”
“Well, for example when I asked about the cat, you could have told me that it is on the roof. Then, during our next conversation, you could have told me, that it had fallen off the roof and was badly wounded. Only then, would you have advised me, that although everything possible was done to save its life it had unfortunately died.”
“I understand,” - replied the repentant neighbor.
“And now tell me, how is my mother?” - continued the man.
“She went on the roof,” – came the prompt reply.
WRONG JOB
A dog came to the Labor Exchange and asked:
“Can you find a job for me?”
The official’s chin dropped:
“A talking dog!” – he thought. “Leave me your phone number, I’m absolutely sure that I’ll be able to find something for you.”
The dog went home and the clerk excitedly phoned the local circus and related his story. The director immediately offered to hire his protégé. The Labor Exchange official phoned the dog’s home:
“I’ve got wonderful news for you! The local circus director is ready to offer you a well-paying job.”
“But sir, I’m a bricklayer by profession.”
AN OBVIOUS DEVIANT
Walking on an ice field with his mother, a polar bear cub asked:
“Mummy, are we polar bears?”
“Yes, my dear.”
“And is Pappy a polar bear too?”
“Yes, he is.”
“And were Grandma and Grandpa polar bears too?”
“Of course they were, but why are you asking?”
“I don’t know why, but I’m bloody awfully cold.”
TRUE TO FORM
A panda bear walked into a saloon and ordered a sandwich. The waiter brought him his order. After the panda finished its meal, it pulled out a pistol, shot the waiter and started to leave. The bartender shouted:
“Hey you! What do you think you're doing?”
The panda said:
“I'm a panda. Look it up in any reference book..”
The bartender got out an encyclopedia and looked up “panda.”
Sure enough it said:
“Panda n., a bear-like marsupial native to China. Known largely for its stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
jungle JUSTICE
On his way to his favorite watering hole, an elephant encountered a mouse running for his life.
“What is your hurry, little fellow?” - he asked.
“Some animal raped the lioness,” – answered the frightened rodent – “and its mate is suspicious of every male in sight.”
NO DEMAND FOR IT
A guy phoned the “ABC” musical agency in New-York:
“Sir! I’ve something sensational to show you. If you see my act, I’m sure you’ll offer me $50,000 per night.”
“Usually we don’t accept strangers,” – said the agent, – “but since you claim to have something sensational, I’ll make an exception.”
The guy arrived at the agency’s office, took a matchbox out of his pocket, removed a tiny white piano from it and put it on the table. From his other pocket he took another matchbox in which a white mouse perched. The man set the mouse at the piano and the small creature, with a virtuosity and technique that would have shamed Ugo Pogorelicz, started performing the most difficult Chopin, Beethoven, Rachmaninow and Tschaikowsky pieces. The agent listened for a while, then shook his head sorrowfully:
“I’m sorry, but I can’t get you a contract. Who the hell listens to classical music these days?”
THE MOUSE AND THE GIRAFFE
This one mouse in the zoo had a crush on the giraffe. One night he built up enough courage to visit the giraffe and things went pretty well. Soon, one thing led to another and they ended up spending a passionate night together. The next morning the baboon walked past the mouse and saw the poor little guy lying exhausted on the floor.
“How did it go with giraffe last night?” - he asked. The mouse, barely able to lift his head, replied:
“I'll tell you one thing, between the French kissing and the sex, I must have run about a hundred miles last night!”
speed ticket
The curious snail climbed an oak tree. It climbed and climbed. Fifty years passed and then another fifty years. Then - maybe halfway up - the snail slipped by accident and fell back to earth. It hit itself badly and angrily muttered:
“This is what happens when you move with undue haste!”
NAME CALLING
A robber broke into a house he thought was empty. He was already in the second room when he heard a voice:
“Jesus is watching you!”
Frightened, he looked around, but since he didn’t see anyone, he continued his search for valuables. After a while the voice sounded again:
“Jesus is watching you!”
The robber looked around again and discovered a parrot in the corner of the room. He asked it:
“Was it you who said ‘Jesus is watching you!’?”
“Yes, of course.”
“And what is the name you go by?”
“Clarence.”
“What a silly name for a parrot. Who was the blockhead who named you?”
“The same person who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”
CHESS PLAYERS
The fox challenged the rabbit to a series of chess games, but to his chagrin, the rabbit invariably beat him. Said the frustrated fox:
“I am considered one of the cleverest animals in the forest. How do you manage to win all our games? What is your secret?”
“Before every game I always visit my mistress,” - answered the hare. “Having sex sharpens my brain and gives me so much energy that I play better than average.”
The fox remained unconvinced that the same trick would work for him, but decided to give it a try anyway. Before their next game he went into the kitchen and while his wife was preparing dinner, surprised her from behind. His spouse must have been very busy, because she did not even turn around and just asked:
“Going to play chess, Bunny dear?”
DINNER COMPANION
A man accompanied by his dog, used to come to the pub every night, order a glass of whisky for himself and a small beer for his dog. He poured the beer into a saucer and the dog seemed to enjoy the foamy beverage. One night, the barman noticed that the dog came in unaccompanied. He just stood there, looked at the barman and wagged its tail. The man thought to himself:
“Maybe his owner couldn’t come and the dog came alone to get his nightly drink.”
He poured the animal its usual potion; the dog lapped it up, wagged its tail again and sauntered out. The same thing happened the next evening. The dog came in, had a drink and left again. On the third day, the regular patron showed up again and approached the barman.
“I am very grateful to you for taking care of my dog during my sickness,” – he said. “I brought you a nice lobster for your trouble.”
“Thank you,” - replied the barman, - “I’ll take it home for dinner.”
“He already had dinner,” - explained his customer. “Take him to the movies.”
MOUSY DEALINGS
Chewing its way through some old reels at the Warner Brothers film-library, a mouse encountered a colleague.
“How is the film?” - he asked.
“The book was better.”
HEAVENLY REWARDS
A cat died and went to heaven and met there the Lord Himself. The Lord said to the cat:
“You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.”
The cat thought for a moment and said:
“Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”
“Say no more” - said the Lord and instantly a wonderful fluffy pillow appeared. A few days later, six mice were killed in a farming accident and went to heaven. Again, there was the Lord to greet them with the same offer. The mice answered:
“All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?”
The Lord said:
“Say no more” - and fitted each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later the Lord stopped by to see the cat and found him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently woke him and asked:
“How are things since you got here?”
The cat stretched luxuriously, yawned and replied:
“It is wonderful here. Better than I could ever have expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!”
CLEVER CREATURE
A dog came into the butcher’s. He put down the basket, which he carried in his mouth and gave a shopping list to the butcher. When the butcher put all items on the list into the basket, the dog paid for his shopping, picked up the basket, opened the door and started for home. The butcher was so astonished that he followed him. He saw that the dog stopped at a red light, pressed the button and waited patiently until the light became green. On the other side of the street, the canine went to the bus stop and read carefully the timetable. A bus came but the dog looked at its number and let it pass. When his bus arrived, he got on it. He paid for his ticket and after a few stops got on his hind legs and rang for the driver to stop.
The dog got off the bus and went along the street, followed by the butcher, until they reached a certain house. The dog put the basket on the steps and hit the door hard with his head. He waited for a while and then repeated his action several times, until a man looked out of one of the windows and opened the door for him.
The butcher could not resist the temptation to turn to the dog’s owner and enthuse:
“I hope that you don’t mind, but I followed your dog here from my shop and I must tell you, that I never saw such a clever animal in my life.”
Replied the dog’s owner scornfully:
“Clever? The hell he is! This is the second time in a row this week that he has forgotten his house key.”
I DIDN’T MEAN YOU!
A drunkard took his dog for a walk. A passerby asked:
“What are you doing with that pig?”
“It is not a pig,” - said the lush, - “it’s a dog.”
“I wasn’t speaking to you, I was addressing your dog.”
DISABILITY
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. He was overjoyed by his find, but was sure none of his friends would believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by, they fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend:
“Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”
“I sure did,” – responded his friend. “He can't swim.”
BRAGGARTS
Three mice were sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounded a shot of scotch, slammed the glass onto the bar, turned to the second mouse and said:
“When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite and then make off with the cheese.”
The second mouse ordered up two shots of sour mash, pounded them both, slammed each glass onto the bar, turned to the first mouse and replied:
“Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”
The first mouse and the second mouse then turned to the third mouse. The third mouse let out a long sigh and said to the first two:
“I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”
JUST REWARD
A blind man was walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They came to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, led the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This was followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers tried desperately not to run the pair down.
The pair finally reached the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulled a cookie out of his pocket, which he offered to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, couldn't control his amazement and said to the blind man:
“Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!”
The blind man turned partially in his direction and replied:
“To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.”
TALKING DOG
This guy saw a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog is in the back yard. The guy went into the back yard and saw a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" - he asked.
"Yep," - the mutt replied.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looked up and said:
"Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government. So, I told the CIA about my gift and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."
The guy was amazed. He went back in and asked the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner said:
"Ten dollars."
The guy said he'll buy him, but asked the owner:
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replied:
"Because he's such a fucking liar. He never did any of that stuff "
CAT
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of it one day by driving it 20 blocks from his home and leaving it at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man called home to his wife:
"Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes “, - the wife answered, - "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered:
"Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!!
FOUR CATS
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat:
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said:
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said:
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said:
"What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said:,
"CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to its feet ate the cookies drank the milk shit on the paper screwed the other three cats claimed he injured his back while doing so filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
TALKING PET
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store one Saturday and told the clerk that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After considering numerous options, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box. He took the box with his new pet home, found a good spot for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him the next day.
Sunday morning, he asked the centipede in the box:
"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, since he was assured by the pet store that the centipede would talk once he got it home and it was comfortable with its surroundings. He waited a few minutes and then asked again:
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, contemplating the situation. He decided to ask it one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's box and shouting:
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord!?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
SNIFFER
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog".
“His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said:
"Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to its seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", turned to the man and said:
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" - replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time, he placed TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent said:
"That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" - said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how, or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent:
"What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied:
"He just found a bomb!"
HORSE SENSE
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice:
"It's your fuel pump."
The man rose up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.
"Who said that?" - he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated:
"It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" - he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked:
"What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," - the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful.
"A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied in the affirmative.
"Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," - said the rancher, "because that black horse doesn't know a thing about cars.
Brief One:
* Two fleas came out of the cinema. One of them asked:
“Shall we walk, or get a dog?”
ARMY STORIES
FOGGY MATTER
There was a dense fog over the sea when out of the murk two searchlights appeared one opposite the other. From the left a megaphone thundered:
“Please turn aside!”
From the right another megaphone boomed:
“You turn aside!”
From the left again:
“Swerve immediately!”
From the right:
“I won’t, you swerve!”
From the left:
“For the last time, turn away, this is H.M.S. dreadnought ‘The Invincible’!”
From the right:
“And this is a lighthouse.”
PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT
During an inspection tour at an Army hospital, the general started his visit in the Internal Medicine Wing. He stopped at the first patient’s bed and asked:
“What is it that you are in here for son?”
“Piles, Sir.”
“And what is the treatment you are receiving?”
“Swabbing, three times a day.”
“Do have you any complaints, or requests?”
“Thank you, Sir, everything is just fine.”
In the same manner, the general stopped at every patient’s bedside and asked the same questions. As it happened, in this particular department, all four patients he visited, had hemorrhoids and they all answered similarly. Finally, the general reached the bed of the fifth patient.
“I am here with a bad throat-infection,” – whispered the soldier, in response to his superior’s question.
“And what is the treatment prescribed for you?”
“Swabbing, three times daily.”
“Do have you any special requests?” – continued the general with his routine.
“I have. I would very much prefer, if they would start the swabbing-rounds with me.”
ONE LESS WORRY
The sergeant major appeared with a radiant face before the grunts training in the desert:
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
“Start with the bad news.”
“20 trucks are soon arriving and you will have to fill them up with sand.”
“And what are the good news?”
“That you shouldn’t worry, there is enough sand.”
NOTHING WORKS
The parachutist-trainees were getting ready for their first jump. The officer gave them last minute instructions:
“At 1,000 meters pull string No. 1. In the very rare case that your parachute doesn’t open, string No. 2 is provided as a backup and pulling that will get you safely to the ground. A lorry will wait for you there and take you back to camp.”
A trainee jumped, pulled string No. 1. The parachute didn’t open, so he pulled string No. 2 and again nothing happened.
“Typical!” – grumbled the trainee, – “I won’t be surprised if the lorry isn’t waiting either.”
TACTFUL MAN
The C.O. called in his platoon sergeant and showed him a fax, advising that Jones’s parents had been killed in an accident involving a steamroller. He entrusted him to break the news to the bereaved soldier, “as gently as possible.” The sergeant thought for a while about the best way to carry out his delicate mission and then ordered the platoon into formation and commanded:
“Attention! Soldiers whose parents were squashed by a steamroller, take one step forward!”
Of course, none of the soldiers budged and the sergeant thundered again:
“Private First Class Jones, don’t you understand a direct command when you hear one?”
A WILLING MAN
During World War II the campaign in the Western Desert was a long and tedious one. The soldiers spent long months in the sand dunes, far from civilization, with only an occasional camel to look at. One night the colonel called in his orderly and confessed:
“I simply must have a woman. Any type will do, young, old, fat, thin, ugly – it does not matter, as long as it is a female. Can you get me one?” – he asked.
At first the orderly just shook his head, but when his superior officer kept badgering him, he came up with a suggestion:
“What about that Chinese cook in the kitchen? He has a nice, fat behind. Wouldn’t he do, Sir?”
The colonel shuddered at the suggestion and told the orderly to forget it. A few more weeks passed and the colonel became desperate. He called his orderly in again and said:
“It seems that there is no other choice. Please arrange for me to meet that cook, but I don’t want anybody else to hear about it.”
“Impossible, Sir,” - replied the aide. “Besides us two and the Chink, at least four more soldiers will have to know about your assignment.”
“Who the hell are those four others you are bringing in?” – asked the officer in exasperation.
“We need them to hold down the cook, because he does not like to be fucked.”
BAD EYES
Phil was a pacifist and did not want to bear arms against anybody. Mostly, he did not want to be in the Army. So, when his time came to be conscripted, he wore dark glasses and feigned almost total blindness. The ophthalmologist showed him various charts, but when it seemed that Phil was unable to discern even the biggest script, he was discharged from the army. To celebrate the event Phil went to the movies. During the pause in the film, when the lights came on, whom does our man see in the seat next to him, if not his eye doctor? A lesser person would have panicked, but not Phil. without missing a beat, he asked the doctor:
“Excuse me, Madam where does this bus go to?”
THE JOKE IS ON YOU
At a military training facility, the parachutist-trainees were scheduled to jump out of a plane for the first time in their life. The training officer gave some heavy-handed “assistance” to those who developed cold feet at the door of the plane. One soldier in particular put up more than a token resistance, holding on with all his strength to the door’s edges, kicking, fighting, swearing until at considerable effort the officer managed to push him out. Another trainee burst out into loud laughter.
“What is so funny in that I helped a coward to make up his mind?” – asked the officer.
“That was our pilot!” – said the other wiping off his streaming tears.
THE SERGEANT MAJOR
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:
“It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said:
“You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said:
“You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! "
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:
“Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice:
“I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
DRILL SERGEANT
The Marine Drill Sergeant noticed a new recruit and barked at him:
"Get your ass over here!! What's your name?"
"Paul," - the new recruit replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bull-shit they teach in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," - the sergeant growled. "It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only..... Smith , Jones , Baker. I am referred to only as ‘Sergeant’. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes sir, sergeant!"
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what's your last name?"
The recruit sighed:
"Darling, My name is Paul Darling."
"Okay Paul, here's what I want you to do."
THE CHANGE
The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announced:
“I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. You're going to change your underwear.”
The troops started cheering at the news.
“Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy.....”
AT SCHOOL
MODEL PUPIL
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked:
"Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered:
"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks has had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he'll give the boy a test. If he fails to answer any of his questions he's to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in, the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and told her:
"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks said to the principal:
"Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asked: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment replied: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks:
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, Harry said:
"Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks:
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks:
"What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher:
"Put Harry in the 5th grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"
daily routine
A father on a business trip, passing through his son's college town late one night, thought he would pay the boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window:
“Whattya want?”
“Does Tom Flaherty live here?” – asked the father.
“Yeah!” – replied the voice. “Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning.”
rIGHT
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
“In English,” – he explained, – “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However,” – the professor continued, – “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up:
“Yeah, right.”
LOGIC
The exams were coming up and the young man on the bus was deeply engrossed in his reading.
“What is your book about?” - asked the passenger in the seat next to him.
“It is about the study of ‘Logic’”.
“And what exactly is logic?” - insisted his neighbor.
“I can try and explain,” - replied the student. “Do you happen to have an aquarium?”
“As a matter of fact, I do,” - replied his fellow passenger.
“Then you probably have some fish in it.”
“I do.”
“Then it could be said, that you are an animal lover.”
“You could say that.”
“If you like animals then you probably like people too,” - pressed on the student.
“Of course I do,” - replied the passenger, curious where this was all leading to.
“If you like people in general then you must like women too.”
“That I certainly do.”
“If so, then logically you are not a homosexual,” - summed up the young man. “Do you now understand what ‘Logic’ is all about?”
“I think I got the idea.”
After a while the bus arrived at its destination and the passengers went on their ways. The passenger entered a bar and ordered a beer. Nursing his glass and happy with his newly acquired knowledge he said to the barman:
“I learned a terrific new word today.”
“What is the word?”
“Logic,” - replied the erstwhile passenger.
“And what does it mean?” - inquired the barman, just to keep the conversation going.
“I can explain,” - said his patron. “Do you have an aquarium?”
“No,” - replied the barman.
“Then logic says you are gay.”
TEACHER’S PET
The class assignment was to write an essay entitled:
“There is only one Mother!”
Moishe’le’s paper read:
“Mother sent me to get some eggs from the fridge, but I told her:
'There is only one, Mother!”
COMEBACK
A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, or a serious personal injury, or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked:
"What would you say if tomorrow I said that I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head and sweetly said:
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
SCIENCE LESSON
Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class:
"Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry and said:
"You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents and they will go and tell the principal and you'll get fired!"
She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again:
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Molly's mouth fell open and she said to those around her:
"Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class:
"Anybody?"
Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously and said:
"The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said:
"Very good, Jimmy." Then she turned to Molly and continued:
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.”
Brief one:
* Question:
“What is the difference between a pedagogue and pedophile?”
Answer:
“Pedophiles like children.”
AT THE CARD-TABLE
POKER
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn't help but notice that Bill's wife Sue's, legs were spread wide and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked:
"Did you see anything you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said:
"Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicated that he was indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly:
“Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
A little worried, Bill's wife answered:
"Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked:
"And did he give you $500?"
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering up her best poker face, replied:
"Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying:
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
BRIDGE PLAYERS
The worst thing that can happen to you in a contract bridge game - besides losing - is getting stuck with a bad partner. The male partner in this particular game never let his female accomplice know what his cards were. When the man excused himself and disappeared into the bathroom, his partner took advantage of his absence, to vent her frustration:
“You know,” - she declared to the other two players - “this is the first time tonight that I know for sure, what my partner has in his hand.”
AT THE COURT-OF-LAW
LOGICAL ASSUMPTION
Every night, at the end of the performance, the actor had a few drinks with his friends and stayed with them at the artists' café, till the wee hours of the night. Then he slept in until noon and got up just in time for lunch. One day, he was required to testify in a traffic case and was ordered by the judge to show up at court at 8 o’clock in the morning, or face jail and a fine. He got up with difficulty, revived himself with a few cups of black coffee, washed, got dressed and finally managed to step out to the street. To his surprise, it was full of hurrying people and on the road, there was rush-hour traffic. The actor exclaimed:
“Are so many people testifying at court today?”
JUDGE NOT …
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked:
“Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded:
“Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot, when you haven’t the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked:
“Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She replied:
“Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace:
“If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”
FULLY-EQUIPPED
The old geezer was brought before the judge and accused of illegal whisky distillation. They found the equipment in his house, but couldn’t quite prove that he was actually using it, so they just fined him $2,000. After the verdict was pronounced, the accused requested to make a statement:
“Your Honor, I respectfully request that my fine be increased to $4,000.”
“And what is it that you want to pay the additional $2,000 for?”
“For sexually assaulting a lady.”
“Did you do it?”
“No, but I possess that piece of equipment too.”
(A different version of this joke can be found in the WOMAN’S LIB Category).
GOURMET
A forest ranger caught a man sitting at a campfire and eating a bald eagle. The man was consequently brought before a court of law. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”
Man: “Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened.”
Judge: “Proceed.”
Man: “I got lost in the woods, hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks and I was literally starving. Next thing I saw a bald eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I thought that if I followed it I could maybe steal the fish. The eagle lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the bird hoping it would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off and the rock hit the eagle squarely on its poor little head and killed it. I thought about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it, I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful than to let it rot on the ground.”
Judge: “The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.”
15 minutes went by and the judge returned.
Judge: “Due to the extreme circumstances you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.”
The Judge then leaned over the bench and whispered:
“If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?”
Man: “Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”
AT THE RESTAURANT
YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME
A tourist in a restaurant in Cordoba decided to try an item prominently displayed on the menu: “Local treat - Bull’s balls.” He found it delicious and told the waiter that he would like to bring his friends with him the next day, so that they too can taste this delicacy. The waiter replied that this particular item is only available on weekends, immediately following the Corrida, which is held on Saturdays.
The tourist came back the next Sunday with his friends and ordered Bull’s Balls for everyone. After a while their order had arrived, but the guest seemed unhappy. He called the waiter over and asked:
“What on earth happened to your portions? The last time the balls were huge, but today they are minuscule.”
“I am sorry, Señor,” - replied the waiter - “this time the bull won.”
FINICKY CUSTOMER
A man came into the restaurant and inquired what was on the menu. The waiter recommended the tongue in spicy sauce, but the customer declined:
“I am not going to eat something that was in someone else’s mouth. Get me two poached eggs instead.”
IT DEPENDS
“Waiter! Do you have tortoise soup?”
“Did you ever eat tortoise soup, sir?”
“No, never.”
“Then we do have.”
DIFFICULT CHOICE
“Waiter! Get me a couple of hot dogs without mustard.”
“I’m sorry sir, we are fresh out of mustard. Would you like to have your hot dogs without horseradish?”
JEWISH
A waiter came over to a table full of Jewish women and asked:
"Is anything all right?"
SMART DECISION
A man came into a restaurant and inquired of the head waiter:
“That soup I had yesterday. Is there any left?”
“Certainly, sir.”
“Then I shall go to another restaurant.”
AT WORK
THE BEST ANIMAL FOR THE JOB
With the price of fuel and spare parts constantly on the rise, the big industrial company decided it would be more economical to make all deliveries within the company by horse and wagon. Ads were published in the classified sections of all large newspapers but no candidates came forward. The ads were published again and at last someone applied for the vacant post.
“But you are a dog,” - wondered the head of the Manager of Personnel.
“Of course” - answered the candidate, - “but I am strong and ready to do the job of a horse. I am even willing to neigh and eat oats. I have a big family to support and I really need the job.”
The canine applicant got the job and indeed fulfilled his task satisfactorily.
A few months later there was a big burglary on the premises and the manager of Internal Security decided that if the guards had had a good dog, the burglars would have been frightened away. Again a ‘Wanted’ ad was published and after a while a horse came and applied for the vacant position.
“I am ready to do anything a dog can do,” - said the equine candidate. “I can bark quite well, can subsist on bones and if necessary will even wag my tail”.
The horse got the job and presumably did his job well enough. At least there were no additional burglaries at the company. One day the dog and horse met by chance in the dining room.
“What are you doing here?” - asked the surprised dog.
“I work as a watch-dog,” - answered the horse. “And what is your job in our company?”
“I pull a wagon,” - said the dog.
The two employees discussed their respective positions and decided that it would be advantageous for all concerned, if they swapped jobs. The dog took it on himself to arrange the matter with the Manager of Personnel.
“I foresee no problem,” - he remarked. “Surely he will see that it is more reasonable if a dog does a dog’s job and a horse a horse’s job.”
After a while the dog slouched back with a dejected face, ears down, tail between his legs.
“What happened?” - asked the horse.
“What happened is that the job of Manager of Personnel was given to a donkey!”
JOB INTERVIEW
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of school:
“And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The candidate said:
“In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the package of benefits.”
The HR Person said:
“Well, what would you say to a package containing 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental insurance, company matching retirement fund to 50% of your salary and a company car leased every 2 years - say a red Toyota?”
The candidate sat up straight and said:
“Wow! Are you kidding?”
And the HR Person said:
“Certainly, ...but you started it.”
PROMOTION
The young American executive arrived home all excited and shouted to his wife at the door:
“You should congratulate me. I have been promoted to VP.”
“Big deal!” - answered the wife disparagingly. “Just today I heard at the supermarket that they have a VP for plums.”
“No, you are putting me on!”
“If you don’t believe me, you can phone and ask them.
The husband phoned the supermarket and asked to speak to the VP for plums.
“Which one of them?” - asked the switchboard operator. “The VP for fresh plums, canned ones, or prunes?”
GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES
A guy went to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asked him:
"Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," - he said. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer said:
"That will give you extra points toward employment".
Then he asked:
"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy said:
"Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer told the guy:
"O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 9:00 A. M.
The guy was puzzled and said:
"If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. then why do you want me to come in at 9:00 A. M?"
"This is a government job," - the interviewer replied. "For the first hour we just sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that.”
WELL CONNECTED
The president of the company called for one of his subordinates:
“Congratulations young man! I’ve never seen such a quick advancement within our organization. You started half-a-year ago as a simple clerk, in two months you made department manager, in three additional months, division manager and now I’m happy to advise you that you have been appointed as vice-president. What do you say?”
“It’s really nice of you Dad!”
COMMUNICATION BARRIER
A visitor at the office heard the boss bellowing in the next room.
“Why is he shouting?” – he asked the secretary.
“He is talking to London.”
“Then why doesn’t he use the phone?”
DAYDREAMING
“Doctor, I talk in my sleep.”
“And that troubles you?”
“Yes, the whole office is laughing at me.”
JUST KIDDING
An office worker entered his boss’s office without knocking. He stuck out his tongue, overturned the superior’s cup of coffee, emptied the wastebasket onto his head, when his colleagues came up running and stopped him:
“Albert, we were just kidding. You didn’t win the first price on the lottery.”
GOOD REFLEXES
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager:
"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce" - as he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added - "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy:
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," - the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand?" - the manager asked.
The boy said:
"Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" - replied the manager," - my wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" - replied the boy," - who'd she play for?"
LACK OF INCENTIVE
At the office New Year party, the director’s wife, with an ironic smile, said to the attractive secretary:
“How nice for you dearie, that you married at last. Since then my husband hardly ever does overtime.”
MATHEMATICAL HELP
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said:
"You graduated from the University of Kentucky, I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment and then replied:
"Everything but my earrings."
And that's exactly why he hired her!
UNION HOUSE
A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam:
"Is this a union house?"
"No," - she replied, - "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," - she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded:
"Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked:
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" - the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," - he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," - said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, - "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
SICK LEAVE
A woman called her boss one morning and told him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" - he asked.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," - she said in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today.”
FENG SHUI
There was a great upheaval at the insurance company’s offices. All employees were furiously moving around tables, chairs, computers, flowerpots, repositioning even the pictures on the walls. At the center of the whole brouhaha stood an old cleaning lady and asked wonderingly:
“Tell me sweeties, what is going on here? Why are you moving everything?”
Somebody answered here:
“Granny, do not worry, we are changing everything in accordance to feng shui practice and then sales will rocket sky high.”
“My darlings, did you know that many years ago in these same premises there functioned a brothel? At those days, when sales plummeted, they did not move the beds around. They simply replaced the whores.”
BLONDES
VITAL INSTRUCTIONS
A blonde girl walked into the hairdresser’s. When her turn came, the hairdresser asked her if he could remove her Walkman.
“No, no,” - protested the girl, - “I shall die, if you take it off.”
The coiffeur started on her hair and on reaching the girl’s ears, asked again, if she would consent to remove her earphones. The girl refused once again. The hairdresser tried to work his way around the offending obstacles but cut one of the wires by accident. No more than a minute had passed and his client dropped dead. After all efforts to revive her had failed, someone took the cassette out of the Walkman and inserted it in the shop’s tape deck. The machine was switched on and they all listened to the recording:
“Inhale!”
“Exhale!”
“Inhale!”
“Exhale!”
PROVEN WRONG
A blonde complained about being called a dumb blonde. A friend advised her:
“Do something to prove them wrong! You could for example learn by heart all the state capitals.”
The girl thought that this was a great idea and for two weeks running studied like one obsessed. Soon afterwards she went to a party and overheard a man making some dumb blonde comments. Indignantly she declared:
“I'm not a dumb blonde and I can prove it. I can name all the state capitals!”
As the guy didn't believe her, she dared him to test her. He asked:
“What's the capital of Montana?”
The blonde drew herself up proudly and said:
“That's easy! It's M!”
FIRE ALARM
A little old lady phoned the fire department:
“Please come quickly, there’s a fire in my house.”
“All right, where is it?”
“In the kitchen.”
“I understand, but how do we get there?”
“Don’t you have that big red fire-engine anymore?”
NO WAY OUT
It was the pretty new blonde stewardesses' first flight on that particular route. Due to its length, the crew had to stay over in another city. On arrival, the crew was driven to a hotel, had dinner and it being the end of a long day, they all retired to their rooms. The next morning, as the crew gathered in the hotel lobby for their pick-up to the airport, the captain noticed that the new stewardess was missing. He called up her room number, wondering what happened to her. In a broken voice the girl complained that she was unable to get out of her room. The captain was flabbergasted:
“Why can't you get out of your room?” – he asked.
The stewardess replied:
“There are only three doors in here,” – she sobbed, – “one is the bathroom, one is the closet and the third has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb!’”
INDEFINITELY DELAYED
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced:
“One of our engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left.”
Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced:
“One more engine has failed and the flight will take two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left.”
An hour later the Captain announced:
“One more engine has failed and the flight will last three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.”
One blonde looked at the other and said:
“If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.”
CONDOMS
A blonde came into a pharmacy to buy condoms. She was embarrassed about her purchase, but finally conjured up enough nerve to approach the clerk at the checkout counter.
“That will be $11.99 plus tax,” - the clerk declared.
“Tacks?” - screamed the blonde, - “I thought you just rolled them on!”
BLONDE CUSTOMER
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain:
“I would like to buy this TV,” - she told the salesman.
“Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,” - he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman:
“I would like to buy this TV.”
“Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,” - he replied.
“Darn, he recognized me,” - she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, etc.
“I would like to buy this TV,” - she stated upon her return to the store.
“Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,” - he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed:
“How do you know I'm a blonde?”
“Because that's a microwave,” - he replied.
HAIR COLOR
A blonde girl got sick of being called stupid, so she did something about it. She died her hair a really dark brown. Then she thought to herself:
“Now I need someone that I can prove to that I am smart.”
So, she found a sheep farmer and asked him:
“If I can tell you how many sheep you have on your farm, will you give me one?”
The farmer said:
“Sure, there's no way you can guess that.”
So, the girl thought a while, then said:
“You have 356 sheep on your farm.”
“That's amazing!” – the farmer said, – “how could you possibly know that?”
“Us intelligent people just know these things.”
Then she took her sheep and started to load it in her car, when the farmer walked over to her.
“Ma'am, if I can tell you your real hair color, will you give me my dog back?”
THE OTHER SIDE
So there was this blonde out for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on the opposite bank.
“Yoohoo” – she shouted, – “how can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looked up the river, then down the river, then shouted back:
“You are on the other side.”
IT’S A GUY THIS TIME
A blonde guy got home early from work and heard strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What's going on here?” – he asked.
“I'm having a heart attack,” – cried the woman. He rushed downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he was dialing, his 4-year old son came up and said:
“Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!”
The guy slammed the phone down and stormed upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and ripped open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there was his best pal, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
“You IDIOT!!!” – shouted the husband, – “my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!”
THE WRONG KIND
The newly married blonde was at the drug store looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk asked her if she needed assistance.
“I'm looking for some deodorant for my husband, but I don't know what type he uses.”
The clerk said:
“Is it a ball type? “
“No,” - said the woman, - “it's for his underarms.”
MEET ME HALFWAY
A blonde woman named Babbette found herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she was in serious financial trouble. She was so desperate that she decided to ask God for help. She began to pray:
“God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”
Lotto night came and somebody else won it. Babbette again prayed:
“God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.”
Lotto night came and Babbette still had no luck. Once again, she prayed:
“My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”
Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Babbette was overwhelmed by the voice of God Himself:
“Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”
ARRANGEMENT
A depressed young New York blonde was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said:
“Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and, if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added:
“I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, the captain discovered her.
“What are you doing here?” – asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” - she explained. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. And well, he's also screwing me.”
“He sure is, lady,” - said the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry!”
FAKE REDHEAD
A young redhead came into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible," – said the doctor. "Show me."
She took her finger and pushed her elbow and screamed in agony. She pushed her knee and screamed, pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said:
"You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"No," – she said. "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so!" – the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
BLONDE HOUSEPAINTER
This blonde decided one day that she was sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she wanted to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband was off at work, she decided to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband left for work, she got down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelt the distinctive smell of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He noticed that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He went over and asked her if she is ok. She replied yes. He asked what she was doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women were dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asked her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said:
“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS”.
DEODORANT
A blonde walked into a pharmacy and asked the assistant for some rectal deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explained to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assured the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
“I'm sorry”, – said the pharmacist, – “we don't have any.”
“But I always get it here,” – said the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” – said the blonde, – “I'll go home and get it.”
She returned with the container. The pharmacist looked at it and said to her:
“This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
Annoyed, the blonde snatched the container back and read out loud from the container:
“TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.”
VENTRILOQUIST
A ventriloquist was doing the round of comedy clubs in Philadelphia. With his dummy on his knee, he went through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stood on her chair and started shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected in our community and from reaching our full potential as people! Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize. The blonde interrupted him, yelling:
"You stay out of this, asshole! I'm talking to that little shithead on your knee!"
THE KNOW-IT-ALL ESTABLISHMENT
Two blonde ladies stood before the orientation-map at a recently opened mall. One of the ladies pointed at the circle inscribed: ‘You are here!’ and asked her friend:
“What I can’t understand is, how do they know where we are?”
THE NOT SO DUMB BLONDE
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said:
"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled:
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed:
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked:
"What did she roll?"
The other answered:
"I don't know -- I thought you were watching."
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
BLONDE MOTORIST
A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked:
"Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," - answered the blonde, - "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is that I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," - said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" - he demanded. ”I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," - said the blonde, - "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."
Health risk
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread!"
ICE FISHING
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and
finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed:
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed:
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more:
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward and said:
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied:
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
JACK’S PHONE NUMBER
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5 of the user guide, it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
SATISFIED CUSTOMER
A blonde called Delta Airlines and asked:
"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replied:
"Just a minute."
"Thank you," – said the blonde and hung up.
A GOOD START
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity got the best of him, so he walked over and asked:
"How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looked him over and replied:
"Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
BLIND
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned:
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
FINISH?
One day a virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Luigi was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to is bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile:
"So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned and replied:
"No."
Surprised, Luigi reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Luigi smiled and asked:
"You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said:
"No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Luigi reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Luigi fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again:
"You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear:
"No, I Norwegian."
THREE BLONDES
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said:
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture and said:
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth"
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," – he said – “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said:
"Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said:
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his f ace! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said:
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed:
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! "You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said:
"This is probably a waste of time, but …”
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying:
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing, or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said:
"I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said:
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said:
"Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
CUCKOO
A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was:
“Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture”
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her ask the audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it, because her Friend was, well, Blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
“That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.”
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer, except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not be convinced.
“I need an answer,” - said Meredith.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said:
“C: The cuckoo.”
“Is that your final answer?”
“Yes, that is my final answer.”
And Meredith replied:
“That answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!”
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who
had helped her win the million dollars.
“Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,”- said the contestant. “How did you happen to know the right answer?”
“Oh, come on,” - said the blonde – “everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.”
WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had never paid for them yet.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves.
“Helllooooo, (I told him). It's been a year"!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
IN SLOW MOTION
An old, blind cowboy wandered into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He found his way to a bar stool and ordered some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yelled to the waiter:
“Hey, you wanna hear a terrific blonde joke?”
The bar immediately fell absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him said:
“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind cowboy thought for a second, shook his head, and muttered:
“No...not, if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”
PAINTING THE PORCH
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” - he said. “How much will you charge me?”
Delighted, the girl quickly responded:
“How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband:
“Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house.”
He responded:
“That's a bit cynical, isn't it?”
The wife replied:
“You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.”
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You're finished already?” - the startled husband asked.
“Yes, - the blonde replied, - and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
“And by the way,” - the blonde added,- “it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.”
A BLONDE IN CHURCH
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation:
"Someone in this Congregation has spread a rumor, that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community can't tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved. The preacher continued:
"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke:
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
FEMALE BOSS
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called, or came back to work. So how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde, if she was going to go with them.
"No way", - the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
| |
|WEE SCOTTISH JOKE |
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say:
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said:
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer said:
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......."
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said:
"I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that all Scotsmen who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied:
"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"
Questions and Answers:
* Question:
“How do you know that the blonde had an orgasm?”
Answer:
“She dropped her nail-file.”
* Question:
“Which were the hardest six years in the blonde’s life?”
Answer:
“The fifth class.”
* Question:
“Why does a blonde stand with closed eyes before the mirror?”
Answer:
“She wants to watch herself sleeping.”
* Question:
“Why doesn’t a blonde use a vibrator?”
Answer:
“It would kick out her teeth.”
* Question:
“Why doesn’t the blonde take anti-baby pills?”
Answer:
“They keep falling out.”
BOYS AND GIRLS
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, attend, fascinate, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, calm, respect, entertain, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, enchant, flabbergast, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked.
AN OBVIOUS DIFFERENCE
They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant. The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off, the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable. As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat. She scanned the menu yet again, and said:
“To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, they may just bring the cart.”
Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but also by the cost of all of this, he asked:
“Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?”
“Well, no,” – she admitted, – “but no one at home wants to sleep with me.”
NEXT IN LINE
A man and a shapely woman stood one next to the other at a cocktail party. The woman gave the man the once-over and then declared:
“You look exactly like my third husband!”
“How many times have you been married?”
“Twice so far.”
LANGUAGE PROBLEM
It was summer at Lake Tahoe and a local boy met a German tourist. He invited her boating and they rowed out far into the middle of the lake. People ashore noticed that the boat didn’t move and seemed to be empty from afar. After a while, several men started swimming towards the boat. They almost reached it when a tousle-headed boy rose above the boat’s rim:
“Hey men! Does anyone know what the meaning of ‘Noch einmal’ is?”
PRACTICAL GIRL
“Let’s picnic, Samantha,” – suggested the boy.
“All right, Alfie,” – agreed the girl, – “but I would like to eat something first.”
THE ONLY ONE
Said the young woman to her suitor, who was whispering niceties into her ear:
“Whom do you take me for? How many other women are you fooling around with?”
“I swear my dear,” – protested the man his innocence – “you are the only one.”
FITTING ANSWER
Said the brash young man to the girl he encountered on the street:
“Don’t you remember me? We met at the zoo.”
“Really? What cage were you in?”
IMPERCEPTIBLE
At the New Year Eve ball, a young man noticed a ravishing woman and asked her for a dance. The lady looked him over and then uttered devastatingly:
“Did you really think I would dance with a child?”
The young man apologized:
“Excuse me Madam, I really didn’t know you were pregnant.”
OF COURSE
“Am I the first man in your life?”
“Of course dear, but I wish I knew why it’s so important to all of you.”
MISNOMER
It was the spring of 1957 and Bobby went to pick up his date. He was a pretty hip guy, with his own car. When he arrived at the front door, the girl's father invited him in.
“Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?” – he said.
“That's cool,” – said Bobby.
Carrie's father asked Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replied politely that they would probably just go to the soda shop, or a movie. Carrie's father responded:
“Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this came as a quite a surprise to Bobby – so he asked Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
“Yeah,” – said the father, – “Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!”
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up and his plans for the evening were beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie came downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announced that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorted his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushed back into the house, slammed the door behind her, and screamed at her father:
“DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”
FOXY GIRL
In a train compartment, there were three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers joined in conversation, which very soon turned to the erotic. The young girl had a suggestion:
“If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs.”
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pulled a buck out of their wallet. The girl pulled up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she said:
“If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs.”
The men being what they are, all took out a ten-dollar bill. The girl then pulled up her dress all the way to her legs in full. The conversation continued and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Now the young girl said:
“If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”
All three forked over the money. The girl then turned to the window and pointed outside at a building they were passing.
“See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!”
SON-IN-LAW
The hapless maiden did not have a boyfriend, so she bought herself a vibrator. She was just putting it through its paces, when her father walked in on her.
“And what is my baby-girl doing?” - asked the doting father.
“You know Daddy that I don’t have a lover, so I’m pleasing myself with this little gadget.”
The old man muttered, but knew well how strong desire can be and left wordlessly. The next day the girl came home from work and saw her father sitting in the kitchen, with two bottles of beer and the vibrator on the table before him.
“Dad, what are you doing?”
“Just having a beer with my son-in-law.”
TRYING TO PLEASE
After a night out at a club, a young lady asked a man back for a cup of coffee, which was accepted gratefully. After a bit of small talk, the man asked:
“Which way's the toilet?”
“Well, if you don't mind,” - came the reply, -”it's upstairs, but my father's asleep and he's not been well. Would you mind using the sink in the kitchen, rather than risk waking him?”
“Of course!” – said the young man, eager to impress.
A few minutes later, the man walked back in and said:
“Got any paper?”
THE YOUNGER THE BETTER
A young man came to the father of his beloved:
“Sir, I respectfully request the hand of your daughter.”
“Did you speak to my wife yet?”
“Yes, I did, but if you don’t mind, I prefer your daughter.”
TELEPATHIC WATCH
A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to a good-looking woman. After a while he started to look at his watch. The woman noticed and asked him if his date was late.
“No,” – he replied. “I’ve just got this new state-of-the-art watch and was about to test it.”
“What does it do?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.”
“What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing a bra, or panties.”
“Ha! Well, it must be broken, because I am!”
“Darn thing must be an hour fast.”
WONDERFUL WEEKEND
A man and a woman walked into a very posh Rodeo Drive store.
''Show the lady your finest mink!'' - the fellow exclaimed. So the owner of the shop went in back and came out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tried it on, the owner discreetly whispered to the man:
''Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.''
''No problem! I'll write you a check!''
''Very good, sir,'' - said the shop owner. ''Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.''
So the man and the woman left. On Monday, the fellow returned. The storeowner was outraged:
''How dare you show your face in here?! There was not a single penny in your checking account!!''
''I just had to come by'' – grinned the guy, – ''to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!''
BATTLE OF SEXES
Three bachelors lived in a small apartment. One day one announced:
“Boys, go tonight to a movie. I invited a lady home.”
When the two returned home late at night, they noticed that some of the furnishings were out of place.
“How many times?” - they asked.
“Twice!” - came the ready answer. “And my guest once.”
Some days passed. Now it was second guy’s turn:
“Tonight I’ll have a lady guest. Go to a pub, or something.”
In the morning the other two saw that the place was in a mess and asked their mate how did he make out.
“Four times.”
“And the dame?”
“Twice.”
In a few days it was the third man who ushered out his partners. In the morning the apartment looked like a battlefield. The other two asked their friend:
“This must have been a hell of an engagement. How many times?”
“Ten times.”
“And the woman?”
“She? She did not show up at all.”
FOUR LETTER WORDS
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked:
“How was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, Mama,” - she replied, - “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...”
Suddenly she burst out crying:
“But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language I’d ever heard before. I mean, all these awful four letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!”
“Sarah, Sarah,” - her mother said - “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four letter words?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” - wept the daughter. “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! Come and get me please!”
“Darling baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride said:
“Oh mama, words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!”
POINTS OF VIEW
As the groom passed down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar, the best man noticed that he has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man said:
“Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but you look so excited.”
The groom replied:
“I just had the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”
Now the bride came walking down the aisle and she too had the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor noticed this and said:
“Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up – you look so excited.”
The bride replied:
“I have just given the last blowjob of my entire life.”
SELF-EVIDENT
Boy met girl at the nudist beach. Enchantment at first sight. Boy blurted out:
“I love you!”
Retorted the girl matter-of-factly:
“I see.”
PROFESSIONALS
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy:
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The boy reluctantly paid her and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
“Why aren't we going anywhere?” – asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25”.
CATLOVERS
Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on her towel, on a Florida beach near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him:
"Hello sir," – she began. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," – he responded and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" – she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," – he replied.
"Do you live around here?" – she asked.
"Yes," – he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted.
"Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, whipped off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man:
"How did you know that is what I wanted?"
The man replied:
"How did you know my name was Katz"?
LEFTOVERS
A young couple was married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning came and the groom went into the bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower.
He asked the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she got to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly:
"What's that?" - pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said:
"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked:
"Is that all we have left?"
ROMANCE
He put his hand around my neck,
So that I could not scream.
He brought me up to his room,
So we would not be seen.
He took off all my wrappings,
And gazed upon my form.
As I stood cold and shivering,
He stood there hot and warm.
He touched me with his feverish lips,
And placed me on my rear.
He made me what I am today,
An empty bottle of beer.
ORGAN PLAYERS
While making love together for the first time, Joe was furious when his girlfriend suddenly stopped and lay back.
“What’s wrong?” – he demanded.
“Forgive me,” – she said, – “but it’s your organ. It just isn’t big enough.
“Forgive me,” – Joe replied, – “but it wasn’t meant to be played in a cathedral.“
ELEVEN
A cop patrolling late at night in a well-known spot saw a couple in a car, with the interior light dimly glowing. The cop carefully approached the car to get a closer look. He saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He also noticed a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop gently rapped on the driver's window.
The young man lowered his window:
"Uh, yes, officer?"
The cop said:
"What are you doing?"
The young man says:
"Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop asked:
"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged:
"Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."
Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asked:
"What's your age, young man?"
The young man said
"I'm 22, sir."
The cop asked:
"And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looked at his watch and replied:
"She'll be 18 years old in 11 minutes and 22 seconds!!!
NO CONSENSUS
A Hassidic family was most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried. So they called a marriage broker and asked him to find their son a good wife. The broker came over to their house and spent a long time asking many questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They gave him a long shopping list of requirements.
It took the marriage broker a long time to find a suitable match, but finally he asked to visit the family again. He told them of a wonderful woman he had found. He said she was just the right age for the son...she kept a Glatt Kosher home...she regularly attended Schul and davened by heart...she was a wonderful cook ...she loved children and wanted a large family and to crown it all off, she was drop dead gorgeous.
After hearing all this, the family was very impressed and began to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future. But the son paused and asked:
"Is she also good in bed?"
The marriage broker thought for a moment and answered:
"Some say yes...some say no."
THE BLACK PANTIES
Anna had lost her husband almost 4 years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied:
"Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked:
"Why the black panties?"
She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit. But now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked:
"What's with the black condom?"
He replied:
"I want to offer my deepest condolences."
FAMILIAR
A man picked up a young woman in a bar and convinced her to come back to his hotel. When they were relaxing afterwards, he asked:
"Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looked at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.
"You might be," - she said. "Your face looks familiar."
APPLE COMPUTER
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost $499 or $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
SHARING
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries, or troubles."
Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet."
WARNING
Girl to her boyfriend: “One kiss and I'll be yours forever.”
The guy replied: "Thanks for the early warning."
DWELLING ON THE PAST
Before leaving for their honeymoon, the newlyweds decided not to discuss each other’s past. As the young bride was relaxing in a desk chair at the hotel’s swimming pool, her husband mounted the springboard and with a beautiful back double-somersault with one and a half twists, dived into the water. When he came out of the pool his amazed wife asked him:
“Darling, where did you learn to dive like that?”
“I thought that we agreed to let bygones be bygones, but if you want to know, I won a Gold Medal in diving.”
After a while, she jumped into the water. She swam the length of the swimming pool five times at a record speed. Astounded, her husband queried her:
“And where did you learn to swim like that, honey?”
“Did not we agree not to discuss our past? Still, if you really want to know, I was a prostitute in Venice and worked both sides of the canal.”
SEX EDUCATION
Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class."
Teacher: "Why?"
Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."
IRISH VIRGINITY TEST
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said:
“Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.”
Paddy asked:
“And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doc replied:
“Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, ‘That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw’, you hit her with the shovel.”
IMPRESS HER
A man asked the trainer in the gym:
"I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine should I use?"
Trainer:
"Use the ATM machine outside the gym...”
SOME LAWS OF SEX:
* Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get, or how long it is going to last.
* Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.
* If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
* The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
* The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
* Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
* Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
* Sex is a three-letter word, which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
* Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
* Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
* After 2 a.m. there are no ugly women.
Put downs:
* “May I see you sometime in the future?”
“No. For me you are already the past.”
* “I want to make you happy!”
“Then say bye!”
* “It’s a nice dress that you’ve on.”
“Thanks, but just remember that it stays on.”
* “For your sake I would even go to the end of world.”
“Fine and would you remain there if I asked you nicely?’
* “I’m a weight lifter.”
“Swell, but don’t get overly confident. You will not be able to lift my skirt.”
* “Would you like to have another drink?”
“Do you really think that our relationship will last so long?”
* “Did you have ever have dealings with a real man?”
“No. Did you?”
Brief ones:
* “Excuse me Madam, I’m a stranger in this town. Can you tell me where do you live?”
* “At the age of 17, the girls’ voice changes. Instead of ‘no’, they start saying ‘yes’”.
* Question:
“Why do women fake orgasms?”
Answer:
“Because they think guys actually care.”
* Question:
“What is the difference between a person about to commit suicide and a virgin?”
Answer:
“A suicide is trying to die and a virgin is dying to try.”
* Question:
“What is a décolletage?”
Answer:
“A low neckline with the help of which a young woman gets herself a husband and an elderly woman pneumonia.”
BUSINESS IS BUSINESS
EAsy
Three contractors were touring the White House. One was from New York, another from Missouri and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they replied that they were contractors the guard said:
“Hey, we need the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid.”
So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said:
“Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said:
“I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
Then the guard asked the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor said:
“$2700.”
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said:
“You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an high figure?”
“Easy,” – said the contractor from New York, – “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri.”
GOT HIM BY THE…
An elderly lady carrying a soiled lunch bag, walked into the main offices of the Chase Manhattan Bank, went to the nearest teller's window, plunked down the bag and said:
“I wish to make a deposit, but beforehand I'd like to meet with the President of the bank.”
The clerk was about to explain that this was quite impossible, when a quick look showed that there were over a million dollars in cash in the sack! Flabbergasted, he called upstairs to the President's office and explained the situation to his secretary, who relayed it to her boss. The old lady was ushered upstairs into the President’s office and introductions were made. Wondering how this old lady had come by such a tidy sum, the President inquired:
“Are you in the stock market?”
“No.”
“Play the horses then...?”
“No... actually I do wager,....... but I prefer to bet on people.”
“I see,” - said the President.
“As a matter of fact”, - continued the old lady, - “I will wager you $25,000 that by tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock your balls will be square!”
Speculating that he could not possibly lose this bet, the President said:
“I'll have to take you up on that one!”
He and the old lady shook hands and parted company. The President was very careful the rest of the day and to avoid risk, did not go out that evening. Next morning as he was showering, he checked himself and all was as it should be. He went to work humming. At exactly 9 o'clock the old lady was again shown into the President's office, only this time accompanied by a distinguished looking gentleman in an expensive suit. The woman explained:
“This is my attorney. I always bring him along when dealing in large sums.”
The President acknowledged the lawyer and then said:
“Well I hate to tell you this, but I am the same as yesterday only $25,000 richer!”
The old lady asked for proof and in light of the sum involved, the President agreed to drop his trousers to allow the old lady to grasp his scrotum. At this point the attorney started to bang his head against the President's desk with vigor.
“What's wrong with him?” - asked the President.
“Oh him”, - said the woman, - “I bet him $100,000 yesterday that by 9.15 tomorrow I would have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls!”
KindergarTen CLASS
One day at kindergarten, the teacher said to the class of five-year-olds:
“I’ll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said:
“Please miss, it was St Patrick.”
The teacher said:
“Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said:
“Please miss, it was St. Andrew.”
The teacher replied:
“I’m sorry Ian, that’s not right either.”
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said:
“Please miss, it was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said:
“That’s absolutely right Daniel, come up here and I’ll give you your $2.”
As the teacher was giving Daniel his money, she said:
“You know Daniel, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ,”
To which Daniel replied:
“I know Miss, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!”
COLLATERAL
A well-dressed man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told him that he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer said that the bank would need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man handed over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later, the man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said:
“We were very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzled us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replied:
“Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”
The same joke really, but the action and venue are completely different.
A BARGAIN
An elderly couple came to a sex therapist’s office asked him to watch their copulating technique. The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said:
“As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” – and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the fee and leave. Finally the doctor asked:
“Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The man replied:
“We are not trying to find out anything. My friend here is married and we cannot go to her house, I’m married too and we cannot go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108, we do it here for $50 and I get back $43 from Medicare.”
NIPPLES
A fellow was taking a tour of a factory that produced various latex products. At the first stop, he was shown the machine that manufactured baby-bottle nipples. The machine made a loud hiss-pop noise.
“The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould,” – explained the guide. “The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”
Later, the tour reached the part of the factory where condoms were manufactured. The machine made a noise:
“Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!”
“Wait a minute!” – said the man taking the tour. “I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what is that 'pop!' every so often?”
“Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” – said the guide. “It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”
“Well, that can't be good for the condoms!”
“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business”.
IRISH BINGO
A young girl from Donegal left home to find work in the bright lights of London. She came home six months later and stepped out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.
"Begorrah, Colleen," - said her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"
Colleen replied:
"Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"
When the weekend was over, Colleen returned to the bright lights, but she was back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she stepped out of the taxi, she was wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mom............same "Won it at bingo!"
Then Colleen returned to the bright lights again. A few months later, she was back again. And this time she was sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She handed her mother 1,000 pounds and explained that she won it all in bingo. Then she asked Mom to run her a bath, as she needed to freshen up.
Her Mom drew the bath while Colleen got undressed in her bedroom, but when she got to the washroom, there was only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, called downstairs:
"Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indade there is, me darlin" - replied her Mom - "but we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
KFC
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel called up the Pope and asked for a favor. The Pope said:
"What can I do?
"The Colonel said:
"I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replied:
"I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words."
So the Colonel hanged up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panicked and called again:
"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responded:
"It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gave up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel got desperate:
"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us
this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replied:
"Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope called together all of his cardinals and said:
"I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The cardinals rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news.
The Pope replied:
"The bad news is that we are going to lose the Wonder Bread account."
BANKER
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him:
"Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"
The young man answered:
"Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said:
"Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"
CUSTOMER SERVICE
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
A lady died this past January and the bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the bank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer): "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Bank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Brief one:
* Question: What did the insurance salesperson say when he first met Adam and Eva?
Answer: "I see that you are not covered"
C’EST LA VIE
USE AS NEEDED
A man dressed in a suit came up to the front porch of a house juggling a clipboard, some papers and a briefcase. He knocked on the door and a middle-aged man answered it:
“Mornin' stranger, what can I do for you?”
“Well sir, we are paid by private companies to canvas consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?”
“I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away young man.” - said the homeowner. Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asked:
“Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?”
“Yes sir, for as long as I can remember.”
“Great, now what exactly do you use it for?” - said the survey-taker, pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.
“Let's see, .....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips and sex.”
The well-dressed man stopped writing abruptly. He looked around, leant forward and in a low voice said:
“We pride ourselves on being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?”
“No problem,” – the homeowner replied, whispering too, – “we put it on our bedroom doorknob.”
The survey-taker got a strange look on his face and took a step backwards before the homeowner continued: “It keeps the kids out.”
A PENNY A DAY...
Two men stood at the curb in front of a brand new, glass and marble 50-story office-tower in New York. One wore a smart Savile Row suit, had on Italian shoes, cuff links made of gold and the diamond in his tiepin was the size of a giant pea. The other’s clothing was clean and freshly pressed, but a little on the shabby side. While waiting for the lights to change, the well-dressed man took a cigar from his breast pocket, unwrapped and lit it and started to puff away. His companion looked at him curiously and suddenly asked:
“Excuse me, what is the price of such a cigar?”
“$35, this is a real Cuban cigar,” - was the answer.
“And how many of them do you smoke every day?” - continued the other one.
“About ten.”
The man was probably good with figures, because within a minute he blurted out:
“But that is more than $126,000 a year. Imagine, if you just gave up smoking, you could buy a house like that one on the other side of the street, within a few years.”
Now it was the other man’s turn to ask:
“Do you smoke?”
“No,” - came the prompt reply.
“And do you own such a building?”
Again the answer was negative. The lights changed and as the two started across the street, the well-dressed gentleman wound up their conversation:
“Well, I don’t know about giving up smoking, but that building there belongs to me.”
RETIREMENT PRESENT
The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mailbox in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!
He was very satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.
The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained:
“When I called my husband ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said: 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea.”
CAMPING TRIP
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend:
“Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied:
“I see millions and millions of stars.”
“And what does that tell you?”
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it tells me that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute and then spoke:
“Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent.”
GROSS INSENSITIVITY
During the French revolution, as a cartload of aristocrats was being taken to the place of execution, a rainstorm broke out suddenly. When one of the noblemen, wet to the bones in the open wagon, complained bitterly about the inhospitable weather, the executioner turned on him:
“You should complain! I have to make the return journey too.”
SHUT HIM UP
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You've got to have a room somewhere,” - he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don't care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” - admitted the manager -”and he might be glad to split the cost, but to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” - the tired Marine assured him. “I'll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How'd you sleep?” - asked the manager.
“Never better.”
The manager was impressed.
“No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time” - said the Marine.
“How'd you manage that?” - asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” - the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me.”
STATUES
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," - he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," - said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said:
"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
THE IRISH VIRGIN
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
WRONG NUMBER
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy said:
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief pause:
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl came back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy said:
"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
“No, this is 486-5713.....”
“Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!”
MISTAKEN IDENTITITY
A guy went to the supermarket and noticed an attractive woman waving at him. She said hello. He was rather taken back, because he couldn't place where he knew her from. So he said:
"Do you know me?"
To which she replied:
"I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind traveled back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and said:
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looked into his eyes and said calmly:
"No, I'm your son's teacher"
LANDMARK EVENT
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his hometown. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly and it reverberated down the hall! He was quite embarrassed, but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him:
"Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied:
"Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" - asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him:
"Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied:
"Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many, many years."
The clerk asked:
"Was it before, or after the Epstein Fart?"
UNFAIR
Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the Seniors' Center.
"Well," - one said, - "Mary has just cremated her third husband."
"Yeah, that’s the way it goes," - replied the other widow. "Some of us can't find a husband, and others have husbands to burn!"
SOCRATES’ LOGIC
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said:
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," - Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," - Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," - the man said, - "actually I just heard about it and ..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," - Socrates continued, - "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," - concluded Socrates, - "if what you want to tell me is neither true, nor good, nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out his best friend was screwing his wife.
SIAMESE TWINS
Siamese twins walked into a bar in Canada and parked themselves on a bar stool. One of them said to the bartender:
"Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tried to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," - said John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"
Jim agreed.
"Ah, England !" said the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," said John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England?" - asked the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Absolutes:
Nun: Someone whose mother was already a nun.
Skinny: Someone who when he soaps his chest, his back froths.
Extremely cold weather: When you have to burn even the family tree.
Bad luck: To lock out the outside world and lose the key.
Squint-eyed: Someone who, when he is cries, his tears flow on his back.
Bowlegged: Someone who needs two basins to wash his feet in.
Optimism: When a gay couple goes shopping for baby utensils.
Faithful: Someone who doesn’t cheat on his lover even with his wife.
Lazy husband: Someone who let’s others even make his children.
Absent-minded husband: A man who on his wedding-night lays $100 on the bedside table.
Absent-minded wife: A woman who replies that she usually gets $200.
Nothing: A penknife without a hilt and blade.
Patience: To read all the jokes in this book.
Brief ones:
* If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century.
* If you think there's good in everyone, you haven't met everyone.
* It doesn't matter whether you win or lose - until you lose.
* Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
* If ever you feel an urge for working coming on, withdraw to a quiet corner and wait patiently until it passes.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
* God must love stupid people, he made so many.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* I know what you're thinking and you should be ashamed of yourself.
* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
* A pessimist is an experienced optimist.
* A man lived for 30 years in a house opposite the cemetery. Now he resides opposite his house.
* If there would be 10 people like you, Earth would be a paradise. Trouble is, there are millions.
* If you don’t go to other people’s funerals, they will not come to yours.
* Learn from your parents’ mistakes: Use prophylactics!
* If you paint the devil on the wall, the janitor will kick your ass.
* If you smoke after sex, you are doing it too fast.
* Question:
“What is the difference between politeness and tact?”
Answer:
“When a polite man opens the door on a bathing lady, he says ‘Excuse me, Madam!’ and backs out. When the same thing happens to a tactful man, he says ‘Excuse me, Sir!”
DOCTORS AND PATIENTS
A PROBLEM OF SEMANTICS
The physician prescribed Mr. Smith some suppositories for his backache and ordered him to take them through his rectum. Mr. Smith was too embarrassed to ask what a rectum was, so he went home and asked his wife if they have a rectum. His wife too would not admit that she does not know what a rectum is and replied that they had one, but their neighbor had borrowed it. Mr. Smith grumbled a little about those damn neighbors who never return anything they borrow and then swallowed a suppository. It was not easy, but with a glass of water, he somehow managed to get it down.
After about a fortnight when his backache did not improve, he went to see his doctor again. The physician found it odd, as the medicine he prescribed was a very potent one. He asked:
“Tell me, Mr. Smith, how did you take those suppositories?”
“I swallowed them, of course,” - answered the man angrily. “What the hell was I supposed to do, stuff them into my ass?”
EFFECTIVE DIET
Mr. Lee was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet:
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.”
When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that's amazing!” - the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”
Mr. Lee nodded:
“I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
PLAYING DOCTORS and nurses
The doorbell rang at the single parent doctor’s home. At the door was his next-door neighbor. The usually pleasantly disposed woman’s face was now beetle-red and she was screaming:
“This is outrageous! Your son played doctors and nurses with my daughter. The child came home stark naked.”
“But Judy dear, there’s nothing wrong in that. The kid just expressed his natural interest towards the other sex in a playful way.’
“Natural interest my ass! – the mother yelled. “He took out her appendix!”
SPLIT PERSONALITY
Two psychoanalysts met:
“How are you doing?” - asked one.
“Fabulously!” - replied his colleague. “I’m treating a schizoid.”
“And what is so fabulous about that?”
“Both pay their bills promptly.”
POST OPERATIVE TRAUMA
After the operation the patient awakened:
“Doctor, did the operation succeed?”
“It did, but I’m not your doctor, but St. Peter.”
GOOD NEWS
Aunt Jemima was feeling unwell for a while, so she went to see her doctor. The physician examined her, gave her some tests, shook his head worriedly and told her to come back in week. A week passed. Aunt Jemima returned to the clinic:
“Dear Doc, please tell me, how are my test results?”
“I don’t want you to take it to heart, but they‘re very bad. First of all you have cancer, your blood pressure is extremely high and your EKG is far from good. But never mind, with that weak asthmatic lung of yours you won’t survive long anyway.”
“Oh my God! Can you tell me anything positive?”
“Oh yeah! I’ve some good news too.”
The eyes of Aunt Jemima glistened hopefully:
“And what is that sweetie?”
“Yesterday my son was accepted to university.”
A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
A physician’s wife whose lover used to visit her apartment every morning when her husband was away at the hospital noticed that every time they made love, the man consumed an apple with great relish. When she asked him about it, he laughed it off:
“You know what they say sweetheart: ‘An apple a day, keeps the doctor away!’”
A LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING
Nurse Simpleton was quite dense, but the duty surgeon was so exhausted that after giving the nurse detailed instructions, he thought he could afford to get a little shuteye - until the next emergency. Hardly had his head touched the pillow, or so it seemed, when some awful screaming on the corridor outside his room, brought him to full alert. He opened the door and saw a frightened man, sans pants, running for his life, pursued by Nurse Simpleton, who was carrying a cauldron full of steaming hot water.
Aghast the doctor shouted:
“Come back, Miss Simpleton. What I instructed you to do was, to prick the patient’s boil!”
SMALL COMFORT
Announced the physician to his patient:
“I have some good news and some bad news for you.”
“Let’s hear the good news.”
“There is no need to amputate your left leg.”
“This is good news indeed and what is the bad news?”
“That it wasn’t necessary to amputate your right leg either.”
AT THE HOSPITAL
“Give us a kiss, Nurse!
“I cannot.”
“Just a small one.”
“Impossible.”
“But Nurse, just a tiny, little one.”
“Please understand, I’m already breaking the regulations lying like this under you.”
THE COAST IS FREE
Two Dr. Greens lived in a certain apartment building. One was a dentist and the other a well-known ear, nose and throat specialist. One day, the doorbell rang at the dentist’s home. His wife opened the door and saw a handsome-looking, tall, dark-haired man.
“Is the doctor at home?” – whispered the man hoarsely.
The woman too replied in an undertone:
“No, you can come in!”
C’EST LA VIE
A man came to the small town clinic with dull red lesions in the genital area. The doctor examined him and said:
“I am sorry, Sir, but you have syphilis.”
“But I just slept with my wife and Mrs. Peabody,” - claimed the patient.
“I really don’t care who you had intercourse with, I just state the facts.”
He gave the patient the necessary medication and turned to his next case. A fortnight later, another man came in with similar chancres. The physician found that he too had contracted syphilis. This patient also claimed to have slept only with his wife and Mrs. Peabody. So it went for almost a year. Every month or so, another patient with syphilis turned up at the clinic and each man protested that he only had intercourse with his wife and Mrs. Peabody.
One day, another middle-aged gent appeared with the usual symptoms. When the doctor diagnosed the same venereal disease, the man protested:
“But I only slept with my wife!”
“C’est la vie, Mr. Peabody,” - sighed the physician.
THE TERMINATOR
Using a model, the medical student was having an exam in childbirth.
“That's enough!” – said suddenly the professor. “Now all you have to do is to bludgeon the father and you'll have succeeded in exterminating the whole family.”
efficient deterrent
A lady complained to her physician:
“I’m so nervous that I’m unable to sleep. All night I pace up and down in my room. Can you prescribe me something?”
“Before going to bed, scatter some drawing-pins around your bed.”
COMPARATIVE DIAGNOSTICS
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see a doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
“Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't have to ask my patients all these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.”
And then she smugly added:
“Why can't you?”
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said:
“There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to put you to sleep.”
MIRACLE
Recounted the middle-aged man to his colleague:
“Listen to this. You know about my bad leg, I went to see the new physician whom everybody recommended and now I am walking again.”
“Is he really so good?”
“No, but while I was sitting in the waiting-room my car was stolen.”
LAST WORDS
An elderly man became very ill and a priest was called out to administer the last sacrament. All the family assembled around the bed, but before the priest could utter a word, the sick man suddenly started to rattle and using sign language asked to be given some paper and a writing utensil. The priest gave him a block of paper and a pen, the man with great effort scribbled something on it and visibly suffering, expired. Reverently, the priest put the paper into an envelope and sealed it. At the funeral, after a touching eulogy praising the virtues of the deceased, the priest said:
“Dear mourners! During his last moments our brother wrote down a few lines, which I would like to read to you now.”
He opened the envelope and started reading:
“Father! You are standing on my oxygen bottle hose!”
REAL PROFESSIONALS
One night a man and a woman were both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They started talking and came to realize that they were both doctors. After about an hour, the man said to0the woman:
“Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.”
The woman doctor agreed. They went back to her place and she took the man to the bedroom. She went to the bathroom and started scrubbing up like she was about to go into the operating room. She scrubbed for a good ten minutes. Finally she returned to the bedroom and they had sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man said to the woman:
“You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, how did you know?”
The man said:
“I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”
“Oh, that makes sense,” - said the woman. “You’re an anesthesiologist aren’t you?”
“Yeah,” - said the man, a bit surprised. “How did you know?”
“The woman answered:
“Because I didn’t feel a thing.”
MUTUAL TRUST
The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual “This won't hurt a bit” routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.
“Miss,” – he said in a barely audible whisper, – “you have got hold of my testicles!”
“Yes doc, I know,” – she smiled sweetly – “and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?”
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
A woman came to the gynecologist with a complaint:
“I have been trying to become pregnant for more than ten years, but I have not succeeded.”
The physician gave the woman a thorough medical check-up and found absolutely nothing wrong with her.
“Excuse me” - he said finally - “but how does your husband perform the sexual act?”
“Always from behind,” - answered the patient.
“Then if you truly want to have children, tell him to assume the frontal position.”
“Then how shall I be able to watch TV?” - complained the woman.
big eye
In the prime of her career the world famous painter started losing her eyesight. Desperate, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: The doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall and asked the doctor:
'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'
The eye doctor responded:
“I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist.'“
SURGEONS
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break. The first said:
“Accountants are the best to operate on, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second surgeon said:
“Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The third responded:
“Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded.”
The fourth interceded:
“I like mechanics... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”
To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, said:
“You’re all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest. There are no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and arse are interchangeable.”
A MATTER OF HYGIENE
A European tourist visiting the US walked into a drugstore. He looked around, then asked:
“Excuse me, do you make feces and urine analyses?”
“Yes Sir, of course we do.”
“Then please, scrub your hands and prepare a ham and lettuce sandwich for me.”
EMERGENCY
The veterinarian had an exhausting day, but when he finally got home from tending to all those sick animals, his wife received him with a cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went to bed.
At about 3:00 o’clock in the morning, the phone rang.
“Is this the vet?” – asked an elderly lady's voice.
“Yes, it is”, – replied the vet, “Is it an emergency?”
“Well, sort of”, – said the lady, – “some cats on my roof are making a terrible noise mating and I can't sleep. What can I do about it?”
There was a half-minute pause, after which the vet patiently replied:
“Open the window and tell them that they have a phone call.”
“ And will that stop them?” – asked the elderly lady?”
“It should,” – said the vet. “IT STOPPED ME!”
CONSULTATION
A Doctor husband and his wife had a fight at the breakfast table. The husband got up in a rage and said:
“And you are no good in bed either!” – and stormed out of the house. After a while he realized that he was nasty and decided to make amends. He rang up his home, but his wife answered the phone only after many rings. The husband became again irritated and asked:
“What took you so long to answer the phone?”
She answered:
“I was in bed”.
“In bed this late, doing what?”
“Getting a second opinion” – she said.
TESTING
Mr. Smith went to the Doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
Receptionist: “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
Mr. Smith: “What do you mean?”
Receptionist: “Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife.”
Mr. Smith: “That’s bad and terrible! What am I supposed to do now?”
Receptionist: “The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don’t fuck her.”
WHO IS SPEAKING?
A phone call was received at the obstetrician's office:
“I need a doctor urgently” – said a frantic voice. “My wife is going to deliver any minute now. Her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” – the nurse asked.
“No, you idiot!” – the man shouted. “This is her husband!”
PROBLEM SOLVED
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.
“Please, you have to come right over,” – pleaded the distraught young mother. “My child has swallowed a contraceptive.”
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
“You don't have to come over after all,” – the woman said with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.”
MAECENAS
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” – the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” – the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”
TURNING ADVERISTY INTO GAIN
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying:
“This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?”
The pharmacist said:
“Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.”
When she returned, she said:
“We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car and $3000 a month living expenses”.
BAD ADVICE
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" – asked the doctor.
"My local General Practitioner."
"Your GP?" – scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
PRESCRIPTION
A lady walked into the drug store and asked the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asked:
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady said:
"I want to kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" - said the druggist.
The lady then reached into her purse and pulled out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man was her husband and the lady the druggist's wife. The druggist looked at the photo and said:
"Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"
HEADACHES
The doctor said:
"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought:
"That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman:
"I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said:
"Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed:
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked:
"How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said:
"Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said:
"Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised:
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked:
"How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said:
"Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said:
"Let's see...9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished:
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said:
"Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said:
"Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed:
"Ah ha, got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head:
"You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
ALWAYS get a second opinion...
PERCEPTIVE DIAGNOSTICIAN
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained:
"I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said:
"Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said:
"You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed half a dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick,"
"Huh," - the younger doctor said, - "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately,"
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," - the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps,"
As they left, the elder doc said:
"Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
DO YOU KNOW?
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her:
"Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," - she replied, - "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," - said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" - he asked.
"Yes," - the woman said, - "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.
"Correct," - replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked:
"Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," - she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
BEHIND THE MASK
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appeared to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", - he mumbled, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied:
"I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggled to ask again:
"Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that something might happen to him from worry about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers. She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she took a close look and said:
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The man pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly:
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
DRUGGIST
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained:
“It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:
“Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”
“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued:
“Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”
“Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.”
“And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”
THE ENVIRONMENTALIST
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see of he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded:
"What took you so long?"
He smiled and than told her:
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.”
ROOM 302
Anyone who has ever been in a hospital, or had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this: A woman called a local hospital:
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse"
The voice on the other end said:
"What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said:
"What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said:
"From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member, or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit."
sincerity
Looking down at his patient, the doctor decided to tell him the truth:
“I fell that I must tell you: You are a very sick man. I’m sure you would want to know the facts. I don’t think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see?”
Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer:
“Yes.”
“Who is it?”
In a little stronger tone, the patient said:
“Another doctor.”
PERFECT SCORE
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, the gynecologist decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying:
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said:
"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say:
"I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
PRACTICING HIS ART
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man turned and snarled:
"Just what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," - said the guy, - "you see, I'm a Chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art."
"'That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!' - the guy replied. "I work for Revenue Canada. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
EASY DIAGNOSIS
A recent college graduate went to see his doctor.
"Doc, there's something wrong with me," - he said. "Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
"Sure," - the doctor said. "You have way too much time on your hands."
SHRINK
A man went to a shrink and said:
"Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," – said the Doctor, - "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
FOUR-LETTER WORD
A man was recovering from surgery when a nurse asked him how he is feeling:
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,"- he answered.
"What word was it?" - asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
THE NEW HOSPITAL WING
When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital:
The Allergists voted to scratch it.
The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness; the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration!!!
TEMPTING JOB
A bloke came into the Job Centre in Edinburgh and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he wanted to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" - he asked the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre oppo sorted through his files and replied:
"Oh yes, here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There's an annual salary of £45,000 but you're going to have to go to Glasgow."
"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"
"No, that's the end of the queue."
COSMETIC OPERATION
A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the doctor:
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?"- she asked.
“That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
HOLE
London – at a gynecological clinic. A lady was being examined in the gynecological chair, but her doctor was just shaking his head.
“It is quite evident… Bern. I’m going to get my colleague.”
They both had a good look and the other specialist also uttered:
“Typical Bern. We must show this case to the department head."
The professor nodded his head in assent:
“Definitively Bern! You don’t see such a phenomenon very often.”
The terrified patient whispered:
“Tell me please Doctor, what does it mean for me? What kind of diagnosis is ‘Bern?”
“Clearly, you have never been in Bern. It is a terrible hole.”
the harley mechanic and the cardiologist
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage:
“Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked:
“So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage and then put them back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
“Try doing it with the engine running.”
MIRACLE MAN
A doctor who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had his waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room, who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said:
"It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered:
"What miracle? . . . He gave me a longer cane.."
hiccup cure
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" - the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 65 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
pSYCHIATRISTS VS. BARTENDER
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Ever since I was a child, I have always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him I've got problems.
“Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” - said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears”.
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” - replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” - I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” - he asked.
“Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!”
“Is that so?” - with a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!”
SCREW THE SHRINKS. HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO A BARTENDER!
DEAD COW
First-year students at the Michigan Veterinary School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them:
"In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first thing is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," - he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said:
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid.”
Brief Notes:
* The gynecologist returned home after a rather tiring day. He could not find his keys and had to ring the bell. When his wife opened the door, he murmured:
“Thank God, at last a face!”
* A lady phoned her internist:
“Doctor, have I by any chance, left my panties at the clinic?”
Upon receiving a negative answer, she muttered to herself:
“Then I must have left them at the dentist’s!”
* Question:
“Why does the gynecologist use two fingers during his examination?”
Answer:
“He wants a second opinion.”
* Question:
“What is it? Has a wet nose and wears spectacles?”
Answer:
“A shortsighted gynecologist.”
DRINKING PROBLEM
THE PHARMACIST AND THE DRUNKARD
In the middle of the night the emergency bell rang at the pharmacy on duty. Grumbling under his breath, the old pharmacist got out of bed, put a dressing gown around his shoulders, slipped into his house shoes and shuffled out to the shop. He opened the wicket and asked:
“Yes, what can I do for you?”
The obviously drunken person on the street said:
“Finally! Do you have some blue ink?”
“Sir, this is a pharmacy. We don’t sell ink here and this is the middle of the night.”
With that, the pharmacist closed the wicket and went back to his interrupted dream. He had barely fallen asleep, when the bell rang once more. He got up again, opened the small window and saw the same man standing there:
“Do you have any blue ink?” - he asked.
“I told you already we don’t have any ink at all,” - said the pharmacist angrily and slammed the window. This time about half an hour passed before the bell rang again. Once again it was the same man, but before the furious pharmacist could utter a word, the drunkard spoke up:
“I know, I know, you don’t have any ink,” - he said and extended his hand with a small bottle in it, - “so I brought you some.”
PICKY CUSTOMER
Waiter: “May I get you a cup of tea?”
Guest: “I don’t drink tea.”
Waiter: “A cup of coffee?”
Guest: “I don’t drink coffee.”
Waiter: “A coke?”
Guest: “I don’t drink coke.”
Waiter: “A whisky with club soda”
Guest: “I don’t drink club soda.”
BOOZER’S LOGIC
A drunk walked into a pub and said to the bartender:
“Buy everyone in the house a drink and pour yourself one.”
The bartender did just that and handed the man a bill for $39.00. The drunk said:
“Sorry, but I haven't got it.”
The bartender slapped the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walked into the pub and once again said:
“Buy everyone in the house a drink and pour one for yourself.”
The bartender figured to himself that the man can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he poured a round of drinks for the house, had a drink himself and handed the drunk a bill for $37.00. The drunk said:
“I haven't got it.”
The bartender picked the guy up, gave him the hiding of his life and threw him out into the street. The next day the same drunk came back into the same pub and said:
“Buy everyone in the house a drink.”
In disgust the bartender said:
“What, no drink for me this time?”
The drunk replied:
“No, you get violent when you drink.”
STUBBORN FELLOW
A man had been drinking at the pub all night. At closing time, the man stood up to leave and fell down. He tried it once more with the same results. He figured that if he would crawl outside, maybe the fresh air would sober him up. Once on the street, he stood up and fell down. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he tried to stand up, but fell down again. He managed somehow to unlock the door, crawled through it and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he managed to pull himself upright, fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning he was awakened by his wife standing next to the bed and shouting:
“You pig! You have been out drinking again!!”
“What makes you say that?” – the man asked, putting on an innocent look.
“They called from the pub – you left your wheelchair there again.”
A SUFFERING FELLOW
A pissed-off wife complained about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him.
“What'll ya have?” – he asked.
“Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose,” - she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
“Yuck, it's bloody shit!” – she spluttered. “I don't know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” – cried the husband. “And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!”
DIFFERENT TREATMENT
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked:
"Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him:
"It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"
At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state:
"I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"
PAPER JOB
A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church, sat down in a confession box and said nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replied:
“No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”
TALKING CLOCK
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
“What's that big brass gong?” - one of the guests asked.
“It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,” - the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? Seriously?' - asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” - replied the drunk.
“How's it work?' - the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch,” - the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed:
“You butt-head! It's three-fifteen in the morning”.
BAR BET
A man walked into a bar, noticed a very large jar on the counter and saw that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guessed that there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approached the bartender and asked:
"What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly wasn't going to pass this up, so he asked:
"What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," - says the bartender, - "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gave the bartender $10, which he stuffed into the jar.
"Okay," - said the bartender, - "here's what you need to do:”
“First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man was stunned!
"I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," - said the bartender, - "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man had a few more drinks and finally said:
"Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabbed the bottle with both hands and drank it as fast as he could. Tears streamed down both his cheeks -- but he didn't make a face -- and he drank it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggered out the back door where he saw the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar heard loud growling, screaming and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they thought that the man surely must be dead, he staggered back into the bar. His clothes were ripped to shreds and he was bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly said:
"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
LOSING IT ALL
|A drunk walked out of a bar with a key in his hand and was stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat saw him and approached. |
|"Can I help you Sir?" |
|"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" - the man replied |
|The cop asked: |
|"Where was your car the last time you saw it?" |
|"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" - the man replies. |
|About that time the cop looked down and saw the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asked the man: |
|"Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" |
|Momentarily confused, the drunk looked down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurted out.... |
|"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!! |
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ECUMENICAL STORIES
CONFESSIONATE LEAVE
The Catholic priest and the rabbi in the small town were the best of friends. After all, they were colleagues. One day when the priest was officiating in the confessional, the wife of one of his old parishioner’s phoned and told him that her husband is dying and is asking for him to be at his bedside. Faced with a problem the priest phoned the rabbi and asked him to come to the church urgently.
When the rabbi arrived, the priest asked him to take over for him for an hour or so. The rabbi was flabbergasted:
“What will your parishioners think of me, a rabbi in a priest’s seat?”
“Nobody will notice. The confessional has a grating, so that the confessors are unable to see the person hearing their confessions,” - answered his colleague.
The Jewish clergyman raised another objection:
“But I don’t even know what to say and do!”
“Just watch me and you will get the hang of it,” - said the minister
The priest entered the confessional and closed the door. Soon a woman in her thirties approached, knelt down and whispered through the grille:
“Father, bless me, for I have sinned!”
“How many times have you sinned, my daughter?” - asked the priest.
“Five times.”
“Then say five ‘Hail Mary’s, sin no more and the merciful God will grant you an absolution.”
The penitent woman rose, crossed herself and left the church. The priest came out and said to the doubtful rabbi:
“You see it is quite simple. Maybe nobody else will even show up today. I promise to be back soon.”
The rabbi entered the confessional, closed the door and waited. For a long while nobody came, but just as the returning priest came in through a side door, he saw a woman kneeling before the confessional. He overheard her saying:
“Father, bless me, for I have sinned.”
“How many times did you sin my daughter?” - asked the Jewish cleric.
“Three times,” - answered the woman.
“Then say five ‘Hail Mary’s and you may sin two more times.”
AS LONG AS YOU ARE AT IT
A trucker took a nun hitchhiker. He drove to some secluded woods and raped her. As he pulled on his pants, he felt some remorse and asked:
“What will you tell your Mother Superior now?”
The sobbing sister:
“That a brutish truck driver violated me twice.”
The surprised trucker:
“Twice? But I only did it once.”
The nun apprehensively:
“Why, are you in a hurry?”
TONGUE-TIED
Three young priests came to the railroad station, all wanting to go to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very shapely girl. Well-endowed, gorgeous, in fact quite amazing. The priests were quite embarrassed, so they flipped a coin to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window:
“I would like three pickets to Titsburgh...”.
Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest approached:
“I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,” - he began, - “and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.”
So of course he also fled. Then came the third:
“Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,” - he continued,” - if you insist on dressing like this, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his peter at you.”
NAME CALLING
The local preacher came to pay a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night. As he approached the house, he heard the loud voices of many people gathered inside. He knocked on the door and when the owner opened it, he saw behind him, a circle of naked men, with a blindfolded woman moving from one to another, handling each man's package and guessing whose it was.
Feeling quite embarrassed, the preacher stammered:
“I'll come at some other time. I don't think I'd fit in here right now.”
“Nonsense,” - the man replied. “Your name's been called three times already!”
MERE DILETTANTES
Dorothy went to the Franciscans for confession. One by one she acknowledged her offenses against the sixth Commandment: How many times she thought about the sinful deed, spoke about it and performed it with Tom. As penitence, the Franciscan priest meted her out five ‘Hail Mary’s. Said Dorothy wonderingly:
“So little? Three weeks ago, confessing to the very same sins at the Capuchiners’ church, I got a much higher penitence.”
“Capuchiners, Capuchiners,” – grumbled the good Father, – “what do they know about screwing.”
FOOLING AROUND
God and St. Peter went golfing. By throwing up a coin it was resolved that God would be the first to go.
God hit the ball.
The ball was swallowed in midair by a pigeon.
A hawk swooped down on the pigeon.
The hawk was hit by lightning and its carcass fell down to the earth.
A fox ate the carcass and then went over to the hole and shit the ball in.
Asked the exasperated St. Peter:
“Now look here, are we playing golf, or just fooling around?”
FISHING STORY
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish. A man was walking by and said:
“Wow!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!”
The sister said:
“Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain.”
The man said:
“But that's the species of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish.”
The sister said: “Oh, ok.”
The Sister took the fish back home and said:
“Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.”
Shocked, the Mother Superior said:
“Sister, you know better than that.”
The nun said:
“That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.”
So the Mother Superior said:
“Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it.”
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said:
“Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.”
Nearly fainting, Monsignor said:
“Mother Superior, you shouldn’t talk like that!”
Mother Superior said:
“But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.”
Monsignor said:
“Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it.”
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table and he said:
“Wow, what a nice fish.”
In reply, the sister said:
“Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.”
And Mother Superior said:
“I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.”
And Monsignor said:
“I cooked the Gauddam Fish.”
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked and said:
“I like this fucking place already!”
apt reaction
A beat-up jalopy was standing at the roadside. The engine cover was open and an oily-faced man was trying unsuccessfully to fix whatever was wrong. A passing priest overheard the driver swearing mightily.
“Don’t swear my son,” – said the priest – “rather pray!”
The driver took the admonition to heart and said a brief prayer. Miraculously, the car started immediately. The surprised priest uttered:
“What the hell!”
THE SIXTH COMMANDMENT
While taking his daily walk the rabbi encountered the priest, walking along with a mournful face.
“What happened?” - he asked his friend. “Why the gloomy expression?”
“My bicycle has mysteriously disappeared. It is not only that this was my only means of transportation, but I fear, that somebody from my flock may have taken it.”
“Look here, you can easily find out, if this is so” - advised the rabbi. “Let the subject of this week’s sermon be the Ten Commandments and as you recite them one by one, stop at ‘Thou shall not steal!’ and repeat it several times, while looking at your congregation angrily. You will see that the bicycle will be returned the next day.”
The two clerics met again on Monday. The rabbi eagerly asked the priest:
“Did my advice help? Has the bicycle been returned?”
“Yes and no,” - replied the priest with an even more doleful expression. “I started with the Ten Commandments and when I reached the sixth, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery!’ I suddenly remembered where I left the bicycle.”
UNCOMFORTABLE
A man of cloth went to his physician, complaining of some ugly lesions around his genitals. When told that he has syphilis, the cleric was quite embarrassed by the shocking discovery.
“Tell me Doctor,” – he asked hopefully, –”is it possible to contract this disease in the Men’s Room?”
“It is quite possible” – nodded the physician wisely, – “but not so comfortable.”
TEST QUESTION
Question:
“Can you describe the different denominations in the Jewish religion?
Answer:
“At an Orthodox wedding the mother is in a family way, at a Conservative wedding the bride is expecting, whereas at a Reformist wedding, it is the rabbi who is pregnant.”
THERE’S MUCH TO LIVE FOR
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said:
“Stop! Don't do it!”
“Why shouldn't I?” - he said.
I said: “Well, there's so much to live for!”
He said: “Like what?”
I said: “Well...are you religious, or atheist?”
He said: “Religious.”
I said: “Me too! Are you Christian, or Buddhist?”
He said: “Christian.”
I said: “Me too! Are you catholic, or Protestant?”
He said: “Protestant.”
I said: “Me too! Are you Episcopalian, or Baptist?”
He said: “Baptist!”
I said: “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God, or Baptist Church of the Lord?”
He said: “Baptist Church of God!”
I said: “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?”
He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God!”
I said: “Me too! Are you reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”
He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”
I said: “Die, heretic scum!” – and pushed him off.
NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS
The daughter of an Irish family phoned from the big city:
“Mummy, I must confess! I have become a prostitute.”
The lines were bad and the mother hard-of-hearing. She shouted aghast:
“What did you become?”
“A prostitute, Mother! A hooker,” – elucidated the girl.
“Thank God,” – sighed the mother. “I thought for a minute that you said ‘a Protestant.”
VARYING THE DIET
“Father Reilly,” – the mother superior reported, – “I just thought you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent.”
“Oh, good,” – the priest replied. “I was getting quite tired of the Chablis.”
MODERN TIMES
Two priests discussed the wickedness of the young generation:
“I did not sleep with my wife before our marriage?” – said one. “How about you?”
“I don’t know. What was her maiden name?”
SUFFERING
A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was the Head Nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly:
“Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?”
“Oh, sister,” – chuckled the rabbi, – “I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough.”
TIPSTER
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said:
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”
“What have you done Tommy O'Connor?”
“I had sex with a girl.”
“Who was it, Tommy?”
“I cannot tell you Father, please grant me forgiveness me for my sin.”
“Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?”
“No Father, please forgive me for my sin, but I cannot tell you who it was.”
“Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?”
“No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”
“Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe.”
“No, no, Father. Don’t ask me, just absolve me.”
“Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary’s, four Our Fathers and keep away from sin. These women will surely lead you to Hell.”
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.
“What did ya get?”– asked Joseph.
“Well I got 5 Hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers and 3 good tips.”
VACATION
One day God was talking to St. Peter:
God: “Peter, I'm getting bored up here, do you have any ideas on what to do?”
St. Peter: “How about a holiday? It's nice on Saturn at the moment.”
God: “No… too much gravity, too much stomping around.”
St. Peter: “How about somewhere lighter, like Mercury?”
God: “No… too hot there.”
St. Peter: “Somewhere in between then, maybe Earth?”
God: “No… terrible gossips there. I went there 2000 years ago, had an affair with a Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!”
GLOATING
Mother Superior:
“Sisters! A disgraceful thing has happened.”
100 nuns (in unison):
“Huuuh!”
One nun (quietly):
“Heee!”
Mother Superior:
“A man was in our convent last night.”
100 nuns:
“Huuuh!”
One nun:
“Heee!”
Mother Superior:
“He visited one of the cells.”
100 nuns:
“Huuuh!”
One nun:
“Heee!”
Mother Superior:
“We even found a used prophylactic.”
100 nuns:
“Huuuh!”
One nun:
“Heee!”
Mother Superior:
“But there was a hole in it.”
100 nuns (in unison):
“Heee!”
One nun (very quietly):
“Huuuh!”
SUDDEN CONVERSION
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air, then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out:
“Oh, my God! Help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds:
“I thought you didn't believe in me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!” – the man pleaded, – “two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”
WRONG WORD
A gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he overheard a crewmember mentioning that the Pope was on the same flight.
“This is exciting,” - thought the man. “I’ve always wanted to meet the Pope.”
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the man was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
“This is fantastic,” - thought the man. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, I can help him.”
After a while, the Pope turned to the man and said:
“Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”
Only one word leapt to mind.
“Good grief,”- thought the man, - “I can’t tell the Pope that word. There must be another.”
The man thought for a while and then it hit him. Turning to the Pontiff, he said:
“I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.”
“Oh yeah,” - said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
THE GOLFING PREACHER
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday it was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said:
“Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.”
The Lord nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty meters away. A perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said:
“Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”
The Lord smiled:
“Think about it – who can he tell?”
NEWLYWEDS
A priest and a minister walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering and some chitchat the priest said:
“Have you noticed that there are no women in this bar?”
Then he realized the truth:
“I think we're in a gay bar.”
Just then, a man approached them and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded and didn't know what to do. The minister leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said:
“Thanks. What did you tell him?”
The minister replied:
“I just told him we're on our honeymoon.”
THE KEY TO HEAVEN
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
“Oh, sister,” - said the young nun dreamily. “I've been saved.”
“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” - asked the old nun.
“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”
“Did he now?” - said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued:
“And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”
“Is that a fact?” - said the old nun even more evenly.
“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”
“That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!”
INFALLIBLE SIGN
A man wondered, if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin, because he was not sure if sex was work, or play. He asked a priest for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest said:
“ My son, after an exhaustive research, I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.”
The man thought:
“Outside of young boys, what does a priest know of sex?”
He went to a minister, a married and experienced man, for the answer. He queried the minister and received the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he sought out the ultimate authority, a man of thousands of year’s tradition and knowledge, a Rabbi. The Rabbi pondered the question and stated:
“My son, sex is definitely play.”
The man replied:
“Rabbi, how can you be so sure, when so many others told me sex is work?!”
The Rabbi spoke softly:
“If sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it.”
FAMILY MATTER
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by the sight of a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed:
“Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine,” - the nun said while patting his hand. “We do have to know, however, how do you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I'm not,” - the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?”
“I'm afraid I can't, Sister.”
“Do you have any close relatives, then?”
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” - replied the man, - “but she's a spinster nun.”
“Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith,” - the nun replied. “They are married to God.”
“Okay,” - the man said with a smile, - “then bill my brother-in-law.”
PLAYING IT SAFE
Two cars collided at an intersection. When the dust settled, a shaken man stepped out of each wreck. One of them was a catholic priest, the other a rabbi. Miraculously none them were more than slightly scratched. Rejoiced the rabbi:
“Brother, this was a divine act! We could have been dead now, but here we are safe and sound. This must be a sign from the Almighty that we should become friends.”
“Indeed, this must be the will of God!” - agreed the priest.
“And look, even this bottle of kosher wine is unbroken. That means we must finish it.”
“Right,” - said the priest, took a few healthy slugs from the bottle and returned it to his colleague. But the rabbi just shook his head.
“Aren’t you going to drink?”
“Maybe it would be better if I waited until the police arrive.”
ABSOLUTION
When nuns are admitted to Heaven, they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns were lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they were made holy.
“And so,” - said St. Peter, - “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
“Well,” - said the first nun in line, - “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”
“OK” - said St. Peter. “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”
The next Nun admitted that:
“Well, yes, I did once get carried away and you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”
“OK” - says St. Peter, - “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”
Suddenly there was some jostling in the line and one of the nuns was trying to cut in front.
“Well now, what's going on here?” - said St. Peter.
“Well, your Excellency,” - said the nun who was trying to improve her position in line, - “if I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”
TRADITION
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year-old man, one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man:
“Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?”
The old man answered:
“No, that is not the tradition.”
The one whose followers sat said:
“Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!”
The old man answered:
“No, that is not the tradition.”
Then the rabbi said to the old man:
“But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit, or stand...”
The old man interrupted, exclaiming:
“THAT is the tradition!”
ORTHODOX WEDDING
A modern Orthodox couple, preparing for a religious wedding, met with their rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asked if they had any last questions. The man asked:
“Rabbi, is it true that men and women don't dance together?”
“Yes,” - said the rabbi. “For modesty reasons, men and women always dance separately.”
“So at our wedding, I can't dance with my own wife?”
“Absolutely not. It’s immodest.”
“Well, okay,” - said the man, - “but what about sex?”
“Fine,” - said the rabbi. “It is a mitzvah*, a good thing within the marriage to have children!”
“What about different positions?” - the man asked.
“No problem,” - said the rabbi. “It's a mitzvah!”
“Woman on top?” - the man asked.
“Sure,” - replied the rabbi – “go for it. Sex in a marriage is a mitzvah!”
“Without clothes?”
“Of course! It's a mitzvah!”
“Doggy style?"
"Why not? Another mitzvah!"
“Even on the table?”
“Yes, yes! It's a mitzvah!”
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
“Well, what about standing up?”
“OH, NO! NO!” said the rabbi.
“Why not???” asked the man.
“Could lead to dancing!”
* Mitzvah: A worthy deed, conforming to Jewish religious law.
PRICELESS ADVICE
Cohen came to the rabbi:
“Rabbi, you are such a wise and learned person, advise me what to do with my geese. They are dying off one by one.”
“Change their water every morning.”
Three days later Cohen returned to the rabbi:
“Rabbi, my geese are still dropping.”
“Give them some fresh oats.”
Three days later Cohen returned once again:
“Rabbi, the geese are still dropping dead.”
“Try to whitewash their enclosure.”
Three days later Cohen and the rabbi ran into each other:
“Rabbi, every last one of my geese has perished.”
“What a pity, I still have so many pieces of good advice left.”
GIVING IT UP
A golfer was in a competitive match with a friend, who was ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer thought to himself:
“I'd give anything to sink this next putt.”
A stranger walked up to him and whispered
“Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?”
The golfer thought the man was crazy and that his answer would be meaningless, but also that perhaps this was a good omen and it will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and said:
“OK.” – and sunk the putt. Two holes later he mumbled to himself:
“Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.”
The same stranger moved to his side and said:
“Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”
The golfer shrugged his shoulders and said:
“Sure.”
And he made an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needed yet another eagle to win.
Though he said nothing, the stranger moved to his side and said:
“Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”
The golfer said:
“Certainly.”
And he made the eagle. As the golfer walked to the club house, the stranger walked alongside and said:
“You know, I've not really been fair with you, because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you,” – says the golfer. “My name is Father O'Malley and I'm a Catholic priest.”
THE BILL
Every year, just before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome went to the Vatican and presented an ancient, by now quite tattered envelope to the Pope. The Pope inspected the envelope, shook his head and handed it back to the Chief Rabbi, who then departed. This has been going on for nearly two thousand years. One year recently it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor, the Pope looked it over and handed it back as he had been told to in turn by his predecessor...but then the Pope said:
“This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in this envelope?”
“Damned if I know,” – answered the Chief Rabbi. “I'm new here myself. But, hey, let's open it and find out.”
“Good idea,” – said the Pope.
So together, they slowly and carefully opened the envelope. And do you know what they found? The caterer's bill for the Last Supper!
THE PRIEST AND THE RABBI
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked:
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded:
"Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked:
"Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied:
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest:
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied:
"Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him:
"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied:
"Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said:
"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
FACETIOUS
During a seminar break on a very hot day, a minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim. Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes. After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied:
“I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize.”
EXACT QUOTE
The archbishop was forewarned about the muckraking English journalists. So when he landed at Heathrow airport and one of the press representatives shot him a provocative question, he gave the most non-committed answer, as possible. The question was:
“What is Your Eminence’s opinion of the night life in London?”
The archbishop replied:
“Is there any night life in London?”
The next day the headlines in some of the tabloids were:
ARCHBISHOP VISITS BRITAIN. HIS FIRST QUESTION:
Is there nightlife in London?
SISTERS OF MERCY
A man was driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he noticed a sign out of the corner of his eye. It read:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thought it was just a figment of his imagination and drove on without second thought. Soon, he saw another sign which said:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.
Suddenly, he began to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drove past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT.
His curiosity got the best of him and he pulled into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot was a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbed the steps and rang the bell. The door was answered by a nun in a long black habit who asked:
“What may we do for you, my son?”
He answered:
“I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.”
“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”
He was led through many winding passages and was soon quite disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man:
“Please knock on this door.”
He did as he was told and it was answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. The nun instructed:
“Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”
He got $50 out of his wallet, placed it in the nun’s cup, trotted eagerly down the hall and slipped through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
WELL, I’LL BE …
A man, reeking of alcohol, flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:
“Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?”
The priest, disgusted by the man’s appearance and behavior, snapped:
“It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man!”
“Well, I’ll be,” – the man muttered and returned to his newspaper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized:
“I’m sorry to have come on so strong – I didn’t mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
PLASTIC SURGERY
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. During that experience she saw God and asked him if that was it. God said no and explained that she had another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery, she decided to just stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. She figured that since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of them.
She walked out of the hospital after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. Upon arriving in front of God she complained:
“I thought you said I had another 30 years.
God replied apologetically:
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t recognize you.”
HYMNS
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most, would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady, all the way in the back, shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said:
“I’ll take him and him and him.”
CONVERSION
A Jew converted and became a priest. He gave his first mass in front of a number of high-ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal went up to congratulate him.
“Pastor Lewis,” – he said, – “that was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time please don't start your sermon with, “Fellow goyim*...”
* Plural of the Hebrew goy, meaning nation, one who is not Jewish, non-Jew.
CHOICE
A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a cross-country flight. An attractive flight attendant asked them if they would like cocktails.
“Yes,” – the rabbi said. “I'd like a manhattan, please.”
“No thank you,” – the priest said, turning to explain to his seatmate. “As a priest, I can't drink, or fornicate.”
“Wait a second,” – the rabbi said, standing and waving to the flight attendant. “I didn't know I had a choice.”
HATE
Shlomo Birnbaum was crossing the street in Miami when he was hit by a bus and knocked unconscious. A Catholic Priest arrived about the same time the paramedics got there. Not knowing his religion, the Priest administered the last rites. Shlomo started to flutter his eyes and soon he was fully awake. The Priest told him about the last rites. Shlomo said:
"Well, I am Jewish but what you did couldn't hurt."
He couldn't wait to get home to tell his family about his experience. When he got there he said to his wife:
"Sadie, you won't believe what happened to your husband today."
She said:
"I don't have time. I am late for a Hadassah meeting. Your T.V. dinner is in the oven. See you later."
Shlomo then went to his daughter's room and said:
"Darling, you should hear what happened to your father today."
She said, "Daddy, I am on the phone with a friend planning a wedding shower. Please close the door."
Shlomo then went to look for his son.
"Son, let me tell you what happened today."
The son said:
"Dad, I am late for a date. I need the car and $100."
So Shlomo went into the other room, shook his head and thought:
"Here I am, a gentile for only two hours and already I hate three Jews."
THE PRIEST AND THE CHICKEN
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chicken he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he knew cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation:
“Has anybody got a cock?”
all the men stood up.
“No, No,” – he said, – “that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”
all the women stood up.
“No, No,” – he said, – “that wasn't either what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them.”
Half the women stood up.
“No, No,” – he said, – “that again wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?”
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up
.
ORDINATION
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward and bent over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells started to ring ....
PSALMS
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely
leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said:
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said:
"Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized:
"Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said:
"Go forth and seek further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
HEAVEN
A woman died and went to heaven. While waiting in line, she heard this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbed her somewhat, so she tracked down St. Peter to find out what is going on.
"Oh that" – he said, – "that's just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings."
The woman was still a bit upset by this and was pondering her position when the screaming started again. This time it was louder and more blood curdling than before. She called St. Peter again to find out what is happening to the woman now.
"Oh that" – he said, – "they're just drilling holes in her head to attach the halo."
The woman decided that she wants out and told St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell.
"Are you sure you want to go there?" – he said. "It's a terrible place, you'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse."
"That's okay" – said the woman. "I already have the holes for that."
MONASTERY OF SILENCE
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The priest who received her, said:
"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her:
"Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said:
"Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," – the priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, the priest called Sister Mary Katherine:
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," – said Sister Mary Katherine and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.
"You may say two words today."
" I quit," – said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," – said the priest, – "you've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
BETTING
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said:
"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining 16 holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The priest said:
"No, you won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro asked:
"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
"Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation", - the priest replied. "And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
CONFESSION
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father .. during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied:
"That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said:
"By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ..."
"And what is that?" - asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
WRONG SIDE
Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said:
"Good morning ladies."
The novices replied:
"Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other:
"I think she got out on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with:
"Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard:
"She got out on the wrong side of bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary:
"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today and grants you a wonderful day."
"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored!
"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior… It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
RELIGIOUS VIEWS OF LIFE
TAOISM: Shit happens.
BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
HINDUISM: This shit happened before.
ISLAM: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserve it.
JUDAISM: Why does this shit always happen to us?
THE SMILE
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said:
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said:
"Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said:
"Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said:
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked:
"Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said:
"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
RELIGIOUS BIAS
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted:
"Okay pedestrians".
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said:
"Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
EXCELLENT ADVICE
The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Scotland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried to give her some warm milk, but she initially refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Scotch whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," - the nuns asked with earnest, - "please give us some wisdom before you go to the Lord."
She raised herself in bed and with a pious look on her face said:
"Don't sell that cow."
GADGETRY
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course, my child. What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem; I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions," - and she gave him the 'hair remover.'
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked:
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," – he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked:
"And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied:
"I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said:
"Go ahead Father. ................Next!"
TOO MANY JEWS
An old Jewish lady was sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. At the next table three nuns discussed where to go for a vacation. The second nun said to Mother Superior:
"Let's go to Jerusalem."
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The third nun said to Mother Superior:
“Let's go to New York.”
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The second again spoke and said:
“Let's go to Los Angeles.”
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The little Jewish old lady leant over and said with a Yiddish accent:
"Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, dere are no Jews there!!!"
MOTHER THERESA
When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" - asked God.
"I could eat," - Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet. The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.
Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked:
"God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it.”
God sighed:
"Let's be honest Terry," - he said, "For just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
FATHER
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said:
"I am a Father."
The little boy replied:
"My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered:
"I am the Father of many."
The boy said:
"My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said:
"I am the Father of hundreds" - and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said:
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said:
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”
"What type of bra?" - asked the clerk.
"Type?" - inquired the man. "There's more than one type?”
"Look around," - said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded:
"It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
DRESS TEMPTATION
Struggling to make ends meet on a first-call salary, the pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.”
How could you do this?!"
"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window and then I found myself trying it on," - she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"
"Well," - the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," - replied his wife, - "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"
THE RABBI'S CHILDREN
There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much his additional children were costing the synagogue. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd:
"Children are a gift from God," - he said.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said:
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said:
"Amen".
SUNDAY SCHOOL
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday school every week. On one Sunday, an out-of-town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said:
"Hey, how about you and me having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why Yes, that would be nice," - the lady responded. The gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested:
"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," - said this fine example of southern womanhood. "Whatever would I tell my Sunday school class?"
Our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked:
"Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my, goodness no," - said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday school class if I did?"
Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with:
"Ahhh . mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," - she said with anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U- turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning, after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought:
"What the heck have I done?"
He shook her awake and pleaded:
"I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday school class?"
The lady said:
"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"
JEWISH STAMPS
A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She said to the clerk:
"May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"
The clerk said:
"What denomination?"
"Oh my G_d," - the woman said, - "has it come to this? Give me 16 Orthodox, 22 Conservative and 12 Reform."
DAMNED GOOD
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said:
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said:
"Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said:
"I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said:
"No shit?"
THE PASTOR'S ASS
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won
again.
The local paper read:
Pastor's ass out front!
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day, the local
paper headline read:
Bishop scratches pastor's ass!
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The
local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next
day:
Nun has the best ass in town!
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun, that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day's paper read:
Nun sells ass for $10!
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run wild. The next day
the headlines read:
Nun announces her ass is wild and free!
Alas; the bishop was buried the next day.
Moral of the story? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much
grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!
MARTIAN STORY
Two astronauts landed on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
"Give me the box of matches" - said one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens."
He took the box and was ready to strike a match when out of the blue a Martian appeared waving all his arms:
"No, no, don't!"
The two guys looked at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, the first one took up again the match. Now a crowd of hysterical Martians came, all waving their arms:
"No, no, don't do that!"
"It looks serious. What are they afraid of? But we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars".
He stroke the match, which flamed up, burned down, and..... nothing happened.
"Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?"
The leader of the Martians said:
"It is Shabbos today!"
TURBULENCE
A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said:
"You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied:
"Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
GAMBLING
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.
After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest:
"Were you gambling, Father?"
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered:
"Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" - the judge asked the minister.
The minister repeated the priest's actions and said:
"No, your honor, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked:
"Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied:
"With whom?
SQUIRRELS
There were five religious institutions in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Catholic church and the Jewish synagogue. Each church and synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But the Catholic church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision. They haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
MIRACLE
A woman started dating a doctor. Before too long, she became pregnant, but they did not want the child. About nine months later, just about the time she was going to give birth, a priest came into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor said to the woman:
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" - she asked.
"It's worth a try," - he said.
So, the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the operation, he went in to the priest and said:
"Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" - asked the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child!"
"But that's impossible!" - said the priest.
"I just did the operation," - insisted the doctor, - "it's a miracle! Here's your baby!"
About fifteen years went by and the priest realized he must tell his son the truth.
One day he sat the boy down and said:
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The boy said:
"What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replied:
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
STRANDED IN THE DESERT
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed
their situation. A long period of silence follows and then the priest said:
"Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree,"- said the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances, I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?”
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, can I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Can I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK,"- the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful! Stick it in the camel and let's get out of here."
FATHER O'MALLEY
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
POLITE WAY TO CALL SOMEBODY BASTARD
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said:
"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said:
"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said:
"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said:
"Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
‘ENGLISH’ JOKES
There used to be a time, when these wry jokes, which derive their humor from unexpected twists in the story line and were known for some reason as English jokes, were very much in vogue.
BIRTHDAY PRESENT
It was summer and every day as the Englishman was on his way to the office, he noticed through the open window of a ground-floor apartment a woman beating her unruly son with a long French bread. Not in the habit of interfering in other folks’ private affairs, he continued on his way silently. Then one day just as he passed that certain window, he saw the same woman throwing a big cake at the child’s head. This time he stopped and spoke up:
“Excuse me for asking, Madam, but why is it that every day you discipline your son with the help of a French bread and today you are using a cake?”
“You see,” – answered the woman, – “it is the poor lad’s birthday.”
WEATHERPROOF
A wife to her husband:
“Are you going to water the lawn in this weather? It’s raining cats and dogs!”
“So what? I have an impermeable raincoat.”
fairly large
An English gentleman wearing a swimsuit, sunglasses and sandals, with a towel on his shoulder, an ice-cold Coke in one hand and a transistor radio in the other strolled in the Sahara desert. When he saw a Bedouin riding his camel going the opposite way, he asked:
“Excuse me sir, how far is it to the beach?”
“About 3,000 kilometers.”
“They seem to have a fairly large strand here.”
IT DOES NOT HELP
In the early evening hours, a policeman stopped a cyclist:
“Sir, your headlight doesn’t function. You will have to dismount.”
The man disagreed:
“I tried that and it doesn’t help.”
ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?
During the workweek at lunchtime, a secretary used to frequent the same restaurant, located conveniently near her office. She soon noticed another permanent guest of the establishment, wearing a nice carrot in his left ear. Being an Englishwoman who does not meddle in other people’s affairs, she did not comment on the unusual ear-wear and after finishing her meal went quietly on her way.
Then one day, the man came in with a fresh green cucumber in his ear. This time the girl’s curiosity overcame her usual reticence and she turned to the man:
“Excuse me for my impertinence, but I could not help noticing that you have a cucumber in your ear.”
“I am really sorry,” – replied the man, – “but I just could not get a carrot at the greengrocer’s today.”
THAT EXPLAINS IT
A man entered a restaurant and ordered a portion of spaghetti. When the waiter brought out his order, he took the steaming plate and poured its contents over his head.
“But Sir,” - said the astonished waiter, - “this is spaghetti!”
“Really,” - replied the customer - “I thought it was spinach.”
Questions and Answers:
* Question:
“What does the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?”
Answer:
“Close the door! I'm dressing.”
* Question:
“What is faster: hot or cold?”
Answer:
“Hot, because you can catch a cold.”
ETHNIC STORIES
WITH HER MAJESTY’S PERMISSION
A reception was held at the residence of the President of Israel. Even though it was a hot summer day, all the dignitaries appeared in their Sunday (or rather Sabbath) best and only Cohen showed up wearing an undershirt. When the President noticed Cohen’s inappropriate eveningwear, he confronted him:
“Look here Cohen! You cannot appear at my party in an undershirt!”
“But it was the Queen of England who gave me permission to come to your party dressed like this!”
“How come?”
“Last year, while vacationing in London, I decided to go to a party at Buckingham Palace. As it was a hot evening I thought a clean undershirt would suffice, but suddenly somebody tapped my shoulder. I turned around and saw that it was Elizabeth. She was quite red in the face and said:
“Where do you think you are? Dressed like that you can show up at your President’s party in Jerusalem, but not at my place!”
IRRESISTIBLE ATTRACTION
At the gypsy family the wife was about to give birth. The doctor arrived and as the room was in complete darkness, asked the husband to get some light. The man brought in one of those bicycles equipped with dynamo operated headlights and started pedaling furiously. A few minutes later the child was born and the tired father started to get off his vehicle.
“Don’t pause! Another one is on its way,” - shouted the doctor.
The gypsy started pedaling again until the second child emerged. The man, his tongue lolling, stopped again, but the doctor didn’t let him:
“Go on pedaling, I need the light for the next one!”
And so it went, until after the fourth baby was delivered. The gypsy came to a sudden stop, scratched his head in bewilderment and asked:
“Say Doc, do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?”
WHAT'S IN A NAME?
A young Jewish man called his mother and said:
“Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star.”
“How nice,” - said his mother.
“I have an Indian name too,” - he said. “It's 'Running Water' and you have to call me that from now on.”
“How nice,” - said his mother.
“You have to have an Indian name, too, Mom....”
“I already do,” - said the mother. “Just call me Sitting Shiva....*”
* Shiva: A seven-day period of mourning observed after the death of a close relative.
ONE OF US
An English taxidermist was sweating his way through the Australian outback when he came across a bar. He staggered in between the beer swilling locals and in his well educated voice, asked the bartender:
“May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man?”
One of the locals said to his mates;
“Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?”
Then, turning to the Englishman:
“Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic. Are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?”
“Ac...actually,” – the Englishman, terrified, replied, – “I'm a taxidermist.”
“Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist, then?”
“I mount d..d..dead animals.”
“It's alright, cobbers,” – said the local, turning to his mates, – “he's one of us!”
NOT A DROP SHOULD BE WASTED
A Scotsman came to the infirmary.
“Doctor, have a look at my tongue. There’s splinter in it.”
“A splinter in your tongue? How did it happen?”
“It started with me spilling some of my whisky on the floor.”
TELLING SIGNS
“How do you know that there is a Pole at a cockfight?”
“He is the one who brought a duck.”
“And how do you know that there is also an Italian present?”
“He is the one who bet on the duck.”
“And how do you know that the Mafia is also there?
“The duck won.”
REPAIRMAN
A tourist passing through some godforsaken village saw a gypsy beating up his wife.
“Man, what do you think you are doing?”
“I know what I’m doing,” - answered the gypsy. “I’m fixing my washing machine.”
LIKE EVERY GOOD JEWISH BOY
While leading the Friday evening services, the rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The rabbi, horrified, asked the cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.
Rabbi: “What are doing here with a dog?”
Bernie: “The dog came here to pray.”
“Oh, come on,” - said the rabbi.
“YES!” - said Bernie.
Rabbi: “I don't believe you. You are just fooling around. That's not a proper thing to do in the temple.”
Bernie: “Its true!”
“OK,” - said the rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), - “then show me what the dog can do.”
“OK,” - said Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog proceeded to open up the barrel under his neck, removed a yarmulke, a tallith* and prayer book and actually started saying prayers in Hebrew! The rabbi was so shocked he listened for a full 15 minutes. When he regained his composure, he was so impressed with the quality of the praying that he said to Bernie:
“Do you think your dog would consider going to rabbinical school?”
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust, said:
“YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!”
* A shawl with ritually knotted fringe at each of four corners, worn by Jews at Morning Prayer.
REPEAT PERFORMANCE
A Pole went into a bar where the TV news was on, showing a woman on a roof ready to jump. The Pole said to the bartender:
“I bet she won't jump.”
The bartender took him on and they bet $50.00. SHE JUMPED. The Pole handed over the money, but the bartender wouldn’t take it. He said:
“It wouldn’t be fair, as I saw the news earlier on the 6 o'clock newscast.”
The Pole answered:
“That's O.K. I saw it on the same newscast, but I didn’t think she would jump the second time.”
For those unfamiliar with the Jewish religion: A religious Jew performs no work, touches no money on holy Sabbath - which starts Friday evening and ends Saturday night, when the first three stars emerge.
WITH MONEY IN THE POCKET...
Friday evening, a few minutes before the start of the Sabbath, the cantor asked the rabbi:
“Can you lend me 1,000 dollars?”
The rabbi gave him the money and the cantor pocketed it with thanks. Saturday evening, a few minutes after the end of the Sabbath, the cantor returned the loan to the rabbi. The same scene repeated itself every weekend until the rabbi could no longer overcome his curiosity and asked:
“Tell me, why do you ask for a loan every Sabbath? After all, you take the money from me just a few minutes before the start of the Sabbath and return it a few minutes after the Sabbath ends. You have no chance at all to spend it?”
“Haven’t you noticed, that ever since I’m keeping 1,000 dollars in my pocket, I sing much better at the synagogue?”
IDENTITY PROBLEM
A child went to his father:
“Tell me Daddy, am I a Jew or a Gypsy?”
“Of course you are a Gypsy, son. If I am a Gypsy, you are too.”
The boy reflected a while on his father’s answer, then approached his mother:
“Mummy, am I a Jew or a Gypsy?”
“Of course you are a Jew, darling. If I am a Jew, you are one too. But why are you asking?”
“Because our neighbors have a stunning bike. Now I’m not sure, if I should haggle for it, or just snitch it.”
THOSE ITALIANS!
[NOTE: For true enjoyment, read the man's part with a good ol' Italian accent....]
A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat themselves and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored their conversation at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” - retorted the lady indignantly, - “in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” - said the man. “Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”
A CHARITABLE SOUL
The Indian shopkeeper thought that he had saved a sufficient amount of money to enable him to fly back to the old country and visit his folks. He went to the Indian Airlines office and inquired about the price of a ticket to Punjab. To his dismay he discovered, that he was just $2 short of the full fare. In his distress he went out to the street and asked the first friendly-looking passerby:
“Excuse me Sir, could you spare $2? I want to fly to India.”
The passerby looked him over and then magnanimously uttered:
“Here are 10 bucks and take your family!”
SICKLY NIGHTLIFE
Bern must be one of the dullest cities in Switzerland, if not the whole of Europe. At one of the best hotels, a tourist asked the clerk at the Reception:
“Is there any night-life in Bern?”
“I am sorry, Sir,” – answered the clerk, – “but it seems that she is sick tonight.”
DESPERATE MEASURE
“What does a Scotsman do when he is cold?”
“He moves his chair closer to the candle.”
“And if he is still cold?
“He puts his arms around the candle.”
“A when all that doesn’t help?”
“He lights it.”
Sorry, but to understand the next one, you must look up German numerals in the dictionary.
PERFECT DISGUISE
During the war two German spies were dropped in England. Wanting to test their disguise, they decided to go to a pub serving American soldiers.
“Two Martinis please!” - they shouted from the door.
“Dry?” - asked the barman.
“Nein, zwei!”
HILLBILLY HONEYMOON
Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D. (high school equivalency diploma) went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting. One day he met a hillbilly girl, they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other's company and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry.
After the ceremony, the boy really looked forward to the wedding night and to show how much this marriage meant to him, he took his new bride to a real pay motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed.
“Be gentle with me,” - she said, - “I'm a virgin.”
The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber out of there. He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story, with eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said:
“You did the right thing, son, don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!”
IRISH STEW
Paddy happened to be passing a shoe shop in Dublin one day and in the window he spotted a pair of shoes. He liked them, so he entered the shop and asked the shop assistant:
“How much are dem shoes in de window, fella?”
“Those are 500 pounds, sir,” - replied the assistant.
“Begorrah!” - exclaimed Paddy, - “dats an awful lot for a pair of shoes.”
“Well, sir, they are crocodile shoes, very rare,” - said the assistant.
Paddy certainly couldn't afford 500 pounds for a pair of shoes, so he left the shop and went home. He told his brother Mick about the shoes and Mick had a brilliant idea:
“Sure, Paddy and we should go to Africa and hunt crocodiles and we'd make ourselves a fortune, sure enough!”
Paddy was very impressed with this idea, so off they both went to Africa and hired a guide to show them the most crocodile-infested river. They made camp and Mick said to Paddy:
“Tell you what, Paddy, you start hunting the crocodiles, I'll go back to town to find us a truck.”
So off Mick went back to town with the guide, leaving Paddy to get on with the tricky task of hunting the crocodiles. A couple of weeks later, Mick had pretty much drained the town of all available bottles of Guinness and was running low on cash, so he decided to go back to the camp and see how his brother Paddy was getting on. As he pulled into the camp in the truck, he saw crocodiles everywhere, stacked in huge piles by the hut, stacked along the riverbank, hundreds and hundreds of crocodiles. He jumped out of the truck and went in search of Paddy and just then there was a commotion in the river, loads of splashing and Paddy came to the surface clinging onto a huge crocodile, which he wrestled to the shore, then clubbed to death.
“How's it going, there, Paddy?” - asked Mick.
“Terrible,” - replied Paddy, - “in fact I've caught about a tousand of dese tings and I've still not found one of dem wearing shoes!”
Here is another version of the same joke. It actually belongs to the “dumb BLONDES” category, but I put it here, so you can compare and choose the version you like better. It just shows you, what you can do with good joke with a little creativity.
FRUSTRATION
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:
“Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”
The shopkeeper said:
“By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming toward her. She took aim and shot, killing the alligator and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. The blonde flipped the alligator on its back and frustrated, shouted out:
“Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!”
BIG HELP
An American was visiting Glasgow. Having difficulty in understanding the local brogue, he asked one of the locals:
“What is the meaning of ‘I dina kenn?”
“I don’t know.”
“Big help you are,” - murmured the American.
LAST WORDS
Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service, as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
“What's bothering you so, dear?” - inquired Farther O'Grady.
“Oh, father, I've got terrible news,” - replied Mary.
“Well what is it, Mary?”
“Well, my husband passed away last night, Father.”
“Oh, Mary” - said the father, - “that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?”
“Well yes, he did father,” - replied Mary.
“What did he ask, Mary?”
“He said, 'Please Mary, put down the gun...'“
AN HONORARY POSITION
At the bottom of every New Year greeting card, received from Brown, the small town retailer, there was an invitation to come and visit him “if you want to breathe some unspoiled country air”. One day, his big city family decided to take him up on his invitation. Reaching his town, they stopped their car at the first passersby, a poorly dressed fellow and asked directions.
“Brown, that cheapskate, who never donated a penny for charity,” - answered the man angrily, - “he lives at the upper end of the town, where all the bloodsuckers of his kind live.”
They drove on in the general direction indicated and stopped again at a small shop.
“If you are looking for that crook, that scoundrel Brown, may he drop dead” - answered the visibly agitated shopkeeper - “he lives in a red tiled big house, may it burn down, on the 5th street to the left.”
Two other people expressed similar derogatory views about the visitor’s kinsman. Finally they reached his home and received a warm welcome. Brown showed them around his spacious house and told them that he was recently elected the Chairman of the local Merchants’ Association.
“Does the job pay well?” - asked the visitors.
“It does not pay at all, but you gain stature and a lot of respect in the community.”
(nOT SO) UNWILLING VICTIM
Brenda O'Malley was home, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrived at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” - he asked. “I've somethin' to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?”
“That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...”
“Oh, God no!” - cried Brenda. “Please don't tell me...”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.”
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up.
“How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, no Brenda...no.”
“No?”
“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”
A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS
The rich Sikh built a palace with three swimming pools. One contained hot water, the second cold water and the third was empty. A friend asked him what does he need three swimming pools for.
“You know there are cold days here when it is nice to jump into the hot water. In the summer it gets very hot in these parts and the only way to cool off is to immerse yourself in the cool waters of the pool.”
“But what about the empty pool?”
“There are days when I don’t feel like swimming.”
THERE MUST BE ORDER!
While in France a Frenchman, an Englishman and a German, who had committed a capital offense, were tried and sentenced to death. The morning of their execution came and it was the Frenchman, who was honored by going first. Before stepping up to the guillotine, he was asked by the executioner, if he wanted to be face up or down. Proudly the man replied:
“Face up. I am not afraid of the blade.”
Assisted by the executioner, he got into position and as the release rope was pulled, the oblique blade descended swiftly and ... stopped just a hairsbreadth from the victim’s extended neck. The executioner swore under his breath, reset the blade and pulled the rope once more. The blade came down with speed and again stopped just short of the Frenchman’s neck. After the same scene repeated itself for the third time, law obliged them, to set the man free.
The Englishman’s turn came up. He too was asked for the position he favors.
“Face down,” - replied the man. “I don’t want to see the bloody knife coming down on my neck.”
After he kneeled and his head was in position, the executioner activated the machine. With a shivery whoosh the heavy blade sped down and stopped a few millimeters from its goal. The machine was tried for the second time, then once again, but finally they had to let the Englishman go too.
Now only the German was left.
“Which way do you want to face?” - asked the executioner.
“It makes no difference to me,” - answered the sentenced man, - “but you should fix the damn machine first.”
TO EACH IN ACCORDANCE WITH HER OWN NEEDS
For the first time in her life a countrywoman visited the big city and as she needed some underwear, her friend took her to a big department store.
“If you buy a pack of panties, you can get a better deal, Madam” - said the seller. “What kind would you prefer? A pack of seven, five, or twelve?”
“What is the best?” - whispered the woman to her friend.
“For everyday use, I would suggest a pack of seven. The undies are marked ‘Sunday’, ‘Monday’, etc.”
“And what is the purpose of the five-pack?”
“These are for French women. You know, on weekends they go without.”
“And the pack of twelve?”
“Oh, these? These are for the Poles. They are inscribed ‘January’, ‘February’, etc.”
SMALL DIFFERENCE
A Jewish and Chinese traveling salesman shared a compartment on the train. Suddenly the Jewish salesman got up and slapped the face of his fellow traveler.
“What was that for?” - demanded the flabbergasted Chinese.
“For Pearl Harbor” - replied the other one.
“But I’m Chinese and it was the Japanese who attacked Pearl Harbor.”
“Japanese, Chinese, it makes no difference to me.”
For a while all was quiet, as the two contemplated the incident. Suddenly, the Chinese got up and slapped the other salesman’s face. Now it was the turn of the Jewish salesman to be surprised:
“And what was that for?” - he asked in astonishment.
“That was for sinking the “Titanic,” - was the reply.
“But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg.”
“Iceberg, Rosenberg, it makes no difference to me.”
DISTINCT ADVANTAGE
Bob and Gideon, his black colleague, bought houses in the same upwardly mobile neighborhood. At the housewarming party, Bob toasted his neighbor:
“It seems that we made a good investment.”
“Sure, Bob, but if you must know, my house is worth $30,000 more than yours.”
“How can that be,” - wondered Bob, - “after all our houses are completely identical.”
“Yes, but I don’t have a black neighbor.”
You probably know this anecdote, but I just love to hear it and retell it, because - for me - it symbolizes a small victory against bigotry all over the world. So here you are:
THE INFALLIBLE GENERAL
The southern socialite was sending out invitations for a party that she was about to give, when she discovered that she was short of a few gentlemen. Struck by a sudden idea, she phoned the local Air Force base and asked its commander to reinforce her party with half-a-dozen young, presentable officers. As an afterthought, she added:
“And do me a favor, send no Jews, please!”
At the appointed hour, the doorbell rang and when the hostess opened the door, there on the porch stood six handsome, tall, black officers in their dress uniforms.
“But surely this must be a mistake,” - stammered the stricken mistress of the house.
“I do not think there is any mistake, Madam” - answered the senior officer. “General Cohen is never wrong.”
TOTAL REJECTION
On a train, during their tour abroad, the Greens shared a compartment with an Englishman. Mrs. Green became hungry and her husband unpacked their lunch. Before they began eating, he politely offered some food to the Englishman:
“A piece of baked chicken?”
“No, thank you,” - shook the Englishman his head.
“Then maybe some biscuits.”
“No, thank you.”
“And how about a glass of red wine?”
Mrs. Green frowned in disapproval and whispered to her husband:
“Eugene, you know how these English are. He probably refused, because you didn’t introduce me to him.”
“My wife,” – indicated Mr. Green his wife.
But the Englishman was adamant:
“No, thank you.”
ENGLISH SPOKEN HERE
The 80-year-old dame told her friends she is going to take an English conversation course at the Berlitz.
“Why would you start learning a foreign language at your age?” - wondered her companions.
“I heard they speak English in Heaven,” - replied the matron.
“And what if you get to Hell?” - queried her pals.
“I already know Polish,” - was the reply.
A HARDENED CRIMINAL
A Ukrainian accused of murder and armed robbery was brought before an investigating judge. As he didn’t speak English, the court appointed an interpreter for him. A transcript from the investigation:
Judge: “Do you confess to murdering the victim?”
Interpreter: (in Ukrainian) “Do you confess to murdering the victim?”
Accused: “Yes, I do.”
Interpreter: “Yes, I do.”
Judge: “And where did you hide the loot?”
Interpreter: “And where did you hide the loot?”
Accused: “That is my secret.”
Interpreter: “That is my secret.”
Judge: “I must warn you, that the maximum penalty for murder is death and unless you fully confess, the court can show you no leniency.”
Interpreter: “I must warn you, that the maximum penalty for murder is death and unless you fully confess, the court can show you no leniency.”
Accused: “I buried it in the church yard.”
Interpreter: “I prefer to die.”
ACCURATE DESCRIPTION
A construction worker fell off some scaffolding and died on the spot. The police sergeant, who came to investigate the work accident, was told to speak to the two Polish workers, who had worked with the dead man for the last several years. He started off with a few simple questions:
“Can you tell me the name of the deceased?”
“John,” - came the prompt answer from both of the men.
“John who?”
The two shrugged:
“We don’t know. We never asked him his surname.”
“So maybe you can tell me his address?”
Another shrug.
“We don’t know. After work John always went to the right, we went to the left and that is all we know.”
The sergeant tried another track:
“Does he have a wife, or any other family?”
“We don’t know. We never asked.”
Now the policeman became really exasperated.
“Is there anything you do know?”
The two were overjoyed. At last they could be of help:
“We know that John had two schmucks.”
“How can you know such a thing?” - asked the surprised sergeant.
“Well, on pay-day we used to have a beer together and every time we entered the pub the bartender said:
“Here comes John and his two schmucks!”
WHO IS MINDING THE STORE?
The family was all assembled around the bedside of a dying old Jew. With his eyes closed, his voice feeble, the patriarch asked:
“Is Sara here?”
“Yes, my dear,” - answered his faithful wife. “I am here by your side.”
“And is Abraham here?”
“Yes, Papa,”
“Are Reuven, Tamar and Rivka and little Moses nearby?”
“Yes, Papa, we are,” - replied the children in unison.
Abruptly the old man sat up and with his stern eyes wide open, looked at his loved ones:
“If everybody is here,” - he shouted - “then who the hell is minding the store?”
DEPENDS ON YOUR VIEWPOINT
A man fancied the Polish peasant’s beautiful, young spouse, but did not know how to achieve his purpose, as the husband guarded his wife jealously and did not let her out of his eyesight. One night he was awakened from deep sleep by a knock on the window of his cottage.
“Janek, look out! Somebody is fooling around with your wife.”
Thoroughly shocked, Janek sat up in his bed and looked to the pillow next to him. His lady was right there, sleeping soundly.
“Silly joker,” - grumbled Janek to himself and drifted off again. After a while, another knock came and a voice called again:
“Watch it, Janek! Somebody is fooling around with your wife.”
Janek looked again and again there was nobody else in their marital bed.
After the third knock on his window, Janek got really mad, put on his pants, opened the door and walked around the cottage, to see who was at the back window, disturbing his sleep. That was the opportunity the secret admirer was waiting for. As soon as Janek left the room, he slipped through the door and got into bed, next to Janek’s wife.
When Janek reached the back window he obviously did not find anyone there. He started to return to the room, when he happened to look through the window and saw the stranger in bed next to his wife. He scratched his head and said wonderingly:
“From the outside it certainly looks that way!”
IS IT SO LATE?
Hershl had been living in Paris for nearly a year and was very proud of the French phrases he had picked up. One day, he decided to test his knowledge and on the Mètro, asked a Frenchman:
“Quelle heure est il?”
In a typical Parisienne way the man uttered:
“Je ne sais pas”.
This unexpected reply found Hershl out of his depth:
“Is it that late?” – he said.
ENNUI
The English lord was showing his French acquaintance around his estate.
“This here is my golf course.”
“And how often do you play?”
“I tried it once, but found that it was boring.”
They went on.
“These are my stables.”
“Do you ride a lot?”
“Once I took one of my horses for a ride, but found that it was quite boring.”
They went on and encountered a young boy.
“This is my son.”
“I guess that it’s your only child.”
BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER
In the old Russia they used to abduct young Jewish boys and forcibly conscript them into the Army. Many of these boys were never heard of again although some managed - after a few years - to return to their families. One of the boys, who completely lost contact with his family, eventually became a general and one day, when the Army held maneuvers near his birthplace, decided to see if any of his folks were still around. There was a lot of excitement in the town. After all, it was not everyday that a Jewish boy from a small village became a general and paid a visit in town. A big dinner was held in his honor with the general seated at the head of the table, next to the rabbi. The poor man was at a loss for words with such an important person and in the end started with the subject closest to him, religion.
“Tell me, Your Excellency, in your years in the Army, did you manage to remain a Jew?”
“I tried my best,” – answered the soldier.
The rabbi pressed on:
“Did you observe the holy Sabbath?”
“How could I? The enemy does not observe the Jewish holidays and when he attacks, we too must make our move, Sabbath, or not.”
“But did you eat kosher food?”
“Sometimes I was happy to get any food at all and besides, where would I have obtained kosher food?”
The rabbi was getting desperate:
“But did you at least say your prayers regularly?”
The general was ready with his reply:
“In your opinion, how would it look for an Imperial Army officer to be seen wearing a prayer shawl and phylacteries?”
The exasperated minister was at his wit’s end:
“But Your Excellency, pray tell me, what is it, that is still Jewish in you?”
“I am still afraid of dogs,” – answered the veteran soldier
MATING URGE
At the Warsaw zoo, the male gorilla passed away. His mate lost all interest in life, stopped eating, sat dejectedly all day in a corner, visibly pining away for lack of love. Telexes were sent to all the zoos in the world, but the search for a replacement was to no avail. In the end a member of the management suggested advertising in the local newspapers. The following ad was published:
“Urgent. Required a mate for our female gorilla. Only candidates, who are single, strong and in perfect physical condition, need to apply. $300, twice weekly.”
Only one reply was received: The letter read:
“I am a 35 year old sailor, single and muscle-bound, ready to do the job as many times a week as necessary, but I have three conditions:
1. I don't want to have to kiss her.
2. I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.
3. I can only afford to pay $150.”
JEWISH (GRAND) MOTHER
A young mother asked her mother to take her child to the beach and beseeched her to take good care of him. She need not have worried. The grandmother kept her charge almost within arm’s reach and did not let him out of sight. Suddenly a big wave came out of the sea and before anything could be done, the boy was swept away. The stricken grandmother fell to her knees and with tears in her eyes shouted towards the sky:
“Almighty God, how could you have done such a cruel deed to me? To me Sarah, the most pious woman in the community, who never yet missed a prayer-service at the synagogue, who always gave money to the paupers, who never cheated at cards.”
Just as she finished speaking, another huge wave swept in and set the missing child at his grandmother’s feet.
“Thank you Dear Lord,” –- said the grateful woman, – “but what about the cap the boy had on his head?”
DEVOLUTION
A scientist invented the invention of the century: A machine for raising IQ’s. The treatment was simple enough. An electrode was attached to each of the patient’s temples; the machine was switched on and after 15 minutes, the subject’s IQ increased by about 20%. The news of the invention got around, as everyone wanted to become more intelligent and soon lines were forming outside the scientist’s lab.
Long hours and the tediousness of the process took their toll and one day, just as he was attaching the electrodes to a black man’s temples; the scientist was called away for an urgent phone-call. In his hurry, he attached the electrodes in reverse, so that instead of raising the IQ, they lowered it. Just as he finished his phone-conversation, he realized his mistake, hurried back to the treatment-room, removed the electrodes and anxiously inquired of his patient:
“How you are, Sir?”
“Dobrze” (good in Polish) - answered the black man.
THOSE YANKEES
The management of the Polish Airline decided to start flying to a new airport on the West Coast of the United States. For the first flight they sent the Pilot and Copilot, with an otherwise empty aircraft, so they could learn the layout of the airport. As the First Officer prepared to land the airplane, the Captain warned him:
“I have been told that the runway at this airport is shorter than average, so as soon as we touch down, start applying strong pressure to the brakes.”
Indeed, on landing, the First Officer - watched by the Captain - operated the thrust reverses, leaned with all his might on the brakes and even then, barely managed to stop the heavy airplane from running off the end of the runway. He wiped his sweaty forehead and sighed:
“Those bloody Americans, you would think that by now they would have learned how to construct an airport. Look at its length, barely sufficient to land an airplane and look at its width, you can hardly see the end of it!”
HAT TRICK
A rabbi was walking slowly out of a synagogue in New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane and wasn't able to fetch his hat. Across the street, a young gentile saw what was happening, rushed over, grabbed the hat and returned it to the rabbi.
“I don't think I could have retrieved my hat.” - said the rabbi. “Thank you very much!”
Then he placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said:
“May God bless you.”
The young man thought to himself:
“I've been blessed by a rabbi, this must be my lucky day!”
He decided to go to the racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first as well. At the end of the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he returned the rabbi's hat and how he blessed him and how he then went to the track and bet on horses, which were named after hats,.
“So where's the money?” - she said.
“I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost.”
“You fool! Chateau means house in French, Chapeau is a hat.”
“It doesn't matter,” - he said. “The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke.
SPEAKING PART
A Jewish boy came home from school and told his mother he has been given a part in the school play.
“Wonderful,” - said the mother. “What part is it?”
“I play the part of the Jewish husband!”
The mother scowled and said:
“Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!”
JEWISH DOG
A Jew named Hirsch lived alone in the outskirts of the small town with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Hirsch went to the rabbi and asked:
“Rabbi, my darling dog, who for the last 15 years has been my only companion and who was such a comfort to me in my loneliness, has passed away. Could I bury be him in the Hirsch family plot in cemetery?”
The rabbi replied:
“No, we cannot bury the creature in our cemetery, but I know the minister of the church down the road, maybe he'll able to do something for the animal.”
Hirsch said:
“I'll go there right now. Do you think a donation $50,000 would reward him for his help?”
The rabbi asked:
“Why didn't you tell me the dog was Jewish?”
NO DISCRIMINATION
On the school bus the white and black children were constantly fighting among themselves.
“Enough of that!” - shouted the exasperated teacher. He had the driver stop the bus, told the children to get out and form a line at the roadside.
“From now on,” - announced the teacher - “there will be no whites and blacks. From now on everybody will be blue. Understood? All right, get on the bus, presto, first the bright-blues and then the dark-blues.
maRY and the hOTEL cLERK
Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said:
“I’m sorry Madam, there’s no room. The hotel is full.”
The Jewish lady said:
“But your sign says that you have vacancies.”
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly:
“You know that we do not admit Jews. Now, if you will try the other side of town...”
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said:
“I'll have you know that I converted to your religion.”
The desk clerk said:
“Oh, yeah, then let me give you a little test: How was Jesus born?”
Mrs. Rosenberg replied:
“He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.”
“Very good,” - replied the hotel clerk, - “tell me more.”
Mrs. Rosenberg replied:
“He was born in a manger.”
“That's right,” - said the hotel clerk - “and why was he born in a manger?”
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly:
“Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!”
FLUCTUATIONS
A Chinese lady on holiday in London went to the bank to change some Hong Kong Dollars into pounds. She asked what the exchange rate was and the teller said:
“HK$12.50 for ₤1.”
She went ahead and changed some money. The next day she needed some more pounds and went back to the bank. This time the teller said:
“HK$12.80 for ₤1.”
The Chinese lady wondered:
“What's going on? Yesterday it was only $12.50 and today it's $12.80?”
The snotty British teller said:
“Fluctuations Madame.”
The Chinese lady replied:
“Well, fuck you caucasions too!”
NO JEWISH JOKES PLEASE
One morning Katz came into the office and as soon as he was seated at his table, said:
“Listen guys, I heard a terrific new joke.”
“Not again! We are fed-up with those Jewish jokes,” - groaned his fellow-workers.
“Oh no, this is not a Jewish joke, it is a Japanese one,” - answered Katz.
“A Japanese? We never heard a Japanese joke. Let’s hear it.”
“Two Japanese traveled on a train from Osaka to Tokyo. Suddenly one of them said: ‘Listen, Moishe...!’”
FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.
“Can I help you?”- the madam asked.
“I want Natalie,” - the old man replied.
“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...”
“No, I must see Natalie.”
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:
“No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The old man replied:
“I am from Minsk.”
“Really?” - replied Natalie, - “I have a sister who lives there.”
“Yes, I know,” - said the old man. “She gave me $3,000 to give to you.”
cardinal jack
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.
“Your Holiness,” - said one of the Cardinals, - “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews, or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.”
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
“Not to worry,” - said the Cardinal, - “we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres. We can't lose!”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match:
“I came in second, your Holiness,” - said Nicklaus.
“Second?!!” - exclaimed the surprised Pope. - “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!”
“No,” - said Nicklaus, - “I came in second to Rabbi Woods.”
UTTER RUBBISH
Two Japanese businessmen met in London:
“Kimoshito, your wife Itsiko is having an affair with a Jewish man.”
Kimoshito took the first plane back to Tokyo and confronted his wife:
“Itsiko is this true?”
Itsiko replied:
“Kimoshito-san, who is the meshuga who has been telling you all this?”
JEWISH GUILT
Morris called his son in New York and said:
“Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama.”
The son was shocked and asked his father to tell him what happened.
“I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.”
“But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?”
“It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it any more than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.”
“But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?”
“No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.”
“Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm taking the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there.”
“Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder*. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore.”
Half an hour later Morris received a call from his daughter who told him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
“Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the phone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there.”
Morris promised. After hanging up, Morris turned to his wife and said:
“Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah...**”
* The feast celebrated on the first two nights of Passover.
** Rosh Hashanah = the Jewish New Year
WIDOWS
Sadie and Yetta, two widows, were talking:
Sadie: “That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before answer I give him.”
Yetta: “Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch (=decent human being) he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but such a beautiful car...a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner, marvelous dinner. Kosher even! Then we go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just burst! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me!”
Sadie: “Oy vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?”
Yetta: “No... I'm just saying that if you do, you should wear a shmatta (=rag).”
THE CLEVEREST BY FAR
Asked, what he considered the cleverest invention, the Pole scratched his head and answered:
“I would say that it is the thermos bottle.”
“Can you explain why?” - asked his mate.
“Somehow it always seems to know that a cold drink has to be kept cool and a hot one warm.”
EQUAL TREATMENT
The first grade class came in from recess. The teacher asked Alice:
“What did you do at recess?”
Alice: “I played in the sand box.”
Teacher: “That's good. Go to the blackboard and if you can write correctly 'sand', I'll give you a freshly-baked cookie.”
Alice did and got a cookie.
The teacher asked Billy what he did at recess.
Billy: “I played with Alice in the sand box.”
Teacher: “Good. If you manage to write correctly 'box' on the blackboard, I'll give you a freshly-baked cookie.”
Billy did and got a cookie too.
The teacher then asked Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He said:
“I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me.”
Teacher: “They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination! If you can write on the blackboard 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a cookie.”
NUMBERING SYSTEM
A young Chinese couple got married – and she was a virgin. Truth be told, he was a virgin too, but she didn't know that. On the wedding night, she cowered naked under the bed sheets as her husband undressed in the darkness. He climbed in next to her and tried to be reassuring:
“My daring" – he whispered – "I know dis you firs time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want, you juss ask... so... whatchu want?" – he said, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hoped will impress her.
A thoughtful silence followed and he waited patiently (and eagerly) for her request. After a while she shyly whispered back:
"I want to try someting I have heard about from other gurls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asked her:
"You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegetable?"
The approach of the High Holidays has a funny effect on people. The conscience of many an infidel, who usually does not frequent religious services, sounds an alarm bell and tells him, that the only way he can avoid heavenly retribution for his sins is to go to the synagogue. The pressure on the temple management is so great that seats have to be numbered and tickets sold weeks in advance.
PRAYING PROHIBITION
On the Jewish New Year, a man came to the entrance of the synagogue, but was stopped by the usher who demanded to see his entrance-ticket.
“But I just want to speak to Schwarcz for a while,” - protested the man.
“Nothing doing! Today, nobody can go in without a ticket.”
“It’s a matter of life and death. Please let me in. I promise I'll only be five minutes.”
At last the attendant relented:
“All right. I shall let you pop in for just five minutes, but you can rest assured that I shall throw you out on your ear if I catch you saying even one word of prayer!”
THE WRONG BITCH
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a base in the south of England and then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
“Could I please sit in that seat?” - he asked. The lady was insulted.
“You Americans are so rude,” - she said, - “can't you see my dog is sitting there?”
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
“Lady, I love dogs - I have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I may sit down,” - he said. The lady replied:
“You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant.”
He leaned against the wall for a time, but he was so tired that he finally said:
“Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?”
The lady replied:
“You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up:
“Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not, but I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”
TEETOTALER
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender said:
“You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replied:
“Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”
The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar and always drunk the same way: He ordered three pints and drunk them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars noticed and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said:
“I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed:
“Oh, no,” – he said, – “everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.”
smuggling
Juan came up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He had two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stopped him and asked:
“What's in the bags?”
“Sand,” - answered Juan.
The guard said:
“We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.”
The guard took the bags and ripped them apart, emptied them out and found nothing in them but sand. He detained Juan overnight and had the sand analyzed, only to discover that there was nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard released Juan, put the sand into new bags, hefted them onto the man's shoulders and let him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happened. The guard asked:
“What have you got?”
“Sand,” - said Juan.
The guard repeated his thorough examination and discovered that the bags contained nothing but sand. He gave the sand back to Juan and Juan crossed the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events was repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan didn't show up one day and the guard met him a few weeks later in a cantina in Mexico.
“Hey Buddy,” - said the guard, - “I knew you were smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about, I can't sleep. Just between us, what were you smuggling?”
Juan sipped his beer and said:
“Bicycles.”
TALKING TO THE WALL
A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He got an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. As the weeks went by he realized that whenever he looked at the Wall he saw a certain old Jew praying vigorously. The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He went down to the Wall, introduced himself and said:
“You come every day to the Wall. What are you praying for?”
The old Jew replied:
“What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.”
The journalist was taken by the old Jew's sincerity and persistence.
“You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?”
The old Jew nodded.
“How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?”
The old Jew became reflective and then replied:
“How long? Maybe twenty, twenty five years.”
The journalist was flabbergasted.
“You mean you have been coming to the wall for all those years to pray for these things?”
The old Jew nodded. The amazed journalist finally asked:
“How does it feel to come and pray every day for over twenty years for these things?”
The old Jew replied:
“How does it feel? It feels like I’m talking to a wall.”
Moishe aNd the pope
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said:
“I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”
An hour later, the Cardinals asked the Pope what had happened. The Pope said:
“First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of Original Sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
“What happened?” - they asked.
“Well,” - said Moishe, - “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”
“Yes, yes .. and then???” - asked the crowd.
“I don't know,” - said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”
LANGUAGE LAB
Years ago, there was a famous deli in New York. The owner had a big heart and frequently hired refugees from other countries. One day, a new patron came in and was waited on by a young man from Thailand, who conversed in perfect Yiddish. The customer was so impressed, that he asked to speak to the owner.
“I'm very impressed with your waiter. Where did he learn Yiddish?” – he asked the owner.
“Shhh,” – the owner replied. “He thinks I'm teaching him English!”
respectFUL GUYS
After almost 60 years of happy marriage, Weiss's wife has passed away and the old man found it difficult to manage on his own. His son's wife was - to say it mildly - not enthusiastic at the idea of her father-of-law moving in with them, so Weiss junior, after a lot of soul searching, convinced his father to move into an old folks' home. As at the only Jewish institution in their town there were absolutely no vacancies, the son decided to put his father into a Christian home. Actually it was a very exclusive establishment, located on top of a hill, surrounded by a spacious park and luxuriously appointed.
The old man adjusted to his surroundings in a relatively short period and seemed to be enjoying the place's multiple facilities. After a few weeks, some friends paid him a visit and asked him how he is getting along in his new home.
“They are quite respectful at this place,” - said old Weiss - “look at that chap with a polo cap over there, for example. He won many a golf tournament in his time and even though he has not touched a club in fifteen years, they still call him 'Champ'. And that guy at the pool, he has worked for forty years as an airline pilot. On account of his shaking hands, he has not been near an airplane in more than ten years, but everybody still addresses him as 'Captain'.”
“And what about you?” - asked the friends.
“Me? I have not touched a woman in five years, but they still call me 'Fucking Jew'.”
what’s in a name?
Harry Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a club known never to have had a Jewish member. This deterred Harry not at all. First, he went to court and had his name changed from Harry Moses Abramovitz to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher. Then he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland, who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one. Then he hired a tutor from England to change his Hester Street (New York Jewish) accent to the mellifluous modality of Regent Street. Then Harry worked his way into the graces of several members of the Country Club. Two years after launching upon his project, Howard Frobisher, nee Harry Abramovitz, appeared before the membership committee. The chairman said:
“Please state your name.”
In plumy Oxonian accents, Harry said:
“Howard Trevelyan Frobisher.”
“And where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?”
“The usual places: Eton...Oxford...”
The chairman beamed.
“And what is your religious affiliation?”
“Goy*.”
* Hebrew, one who is not Jewish, non-Jew.
JEWISH FLY
A guy offered to buy a drink for an attractive young woman seated at a bar. She gave him the green light, so he went to the end of the bar and whispered to the bartender to make up a Martini for her and put some Spanish fly in the drink. The bartender whispered back to say he’s all out of Spanish fly and all he has left is Jewish fly.
“Jewish fly?” – shrugging his shoulders, the guy said – “OK, put some of that in her drink.”
As she sipped the drink, she got more and more cozy, really warming up to the guy. Finally, she finished the drink, leaned over and in a low, slow and sexy voice whispered in his ear:
“Let’s go shopping!”
HIDE AND SEEK
A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had to know whom they had found. They called the police and said “we are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa, or somebody important.”
The police said its not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”
“Well, who was it?”
“The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”
WEIGHTY REASON
Arthur Winthorpe Gladstone III took his college roommate, Samuel Bernstein, home for Christmas. After dinner, Arthur spoke to his father:
“Dad, I need to tell you something. Samuel and I want to get married and we’d like your blessing.”
Arthur’s father practically exploded, his face turned red and was literally speechless for ten minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied:
“Arthur, you CANNOT marry Samuel! For God’s sake, Arthur,... he’s Jewish!”
United jewish appeal
A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in old one-dollar bills.
“Excuse me, sir” - he asked the old gentleman, - “where did you get all this money?”
“Vell, I'll tell you,” - the old man began, - “for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls where the men were peeing and I said... ‘Give me a dollar for Israel, or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife!’”
“That's quite a story,” - the customs agent said, - “but what's in the second suitcase?”
“Vell, you know,” - said the old Jewish man shaking his head, - “not everyone likes to give to Israel!”
the best OF ALL
An Irishman, an Italian and a Polish guy were in a bar. They were having a good time and all agreed that the bar was a nice place. Then the Irishman said:
“Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The others agreed that that sounded like a nice place. Then the Italian said:
“Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”
Everyone agreed that that sounded like a great bar. Then the Polish guy said:
“You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink and then they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” - said the other two. “That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”
“No,” - he replied, - “but it happened to my sister!”
IriSH DITCH Diggers
Darby and Clancy, a pair of Irish ditch diggers, were repairing some roadside damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute, when they witnessed a Protestant reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.
“Would ye look at that, Darby!” - said Clancy. “What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!”
Both men shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then, when he was satisfied no one was spying on him, darted into the house.
“Did ye see that, Darby?” - Clancy asked in shock and disbelief.
“Is nothing holy to those Jewish people?” - Darby replied. “I can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!”
A little while later they saw a third man, a Catholic priest, lurking about the house and looking around to see if any one was watching and then he quietly sneaked in the door.
“Oh, Darby, look!” - said Clancy, removing his cap respectfully. “One of the poor girls must have died”!
tIPping
Abe, an old Jewish guy, was a yarn merchant. He lived next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite called up Abe and said:
“Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis and I want it delivered tomorrow.”
Abe said: “OK.”
The next morning the anti-Semite was awakened at 7 AM by the sound of running engines. He ran outside to see a row of trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckload after truckload of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard was a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presented a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite. The guy started yelling and screaming at Abe:
“What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?”
Straight-faced, Abe replied:
“I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount, but the tip of my penis is in Poland.”
LOSS of weight
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar because, as he announced it, his wife has just produced “a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds.” Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of “Wow!” were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said:
“Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answered: “Ten pounds.”
The bartender was puzzled, concerned:
“Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father took a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and proudly said:
“Had him circumcised.”
HIGHLY SUGGESTIVE
An old Jewish man was talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he got cut off. He hollered:
“Operator, giff me beck the party!”
She said: “I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again.”
He said: “What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.”
She said: “I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again.”
He said: “Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!” - and hung up. Two days later he opened the door and there were two big, strapping guys standing there who said:
“We came to take your telephone out.”
He said: “Vy?”
They said: “Because two days ago you insulted operator 28, but if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here.”
He said: “Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?”
He went to the telephone and dialed:
“Hello? Get me operator 28! Hello, operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?”
She said: “Yes?”
He said: “Vell, Get ready - dey're bringin' it to ya!”
SPORTING
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
“You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me. I have in me Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”
The Englishman said:
“Very sporting of your mother.”
Trying to be unCONSPICOUS
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked:
“How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice:
“I'll tell you, Rabbi,” – he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me and I don't want to remind Him!”
STRANDED
Morris & Esther, an elderly Jewish couple, were on an airplane flying to the Far East when over the public address system the Captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen! I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to
find it on the maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.
A few minutes later, thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane landed safely on the island, whereupon Morris turned to his wife and asked:
"Esther, did we pay our charity pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"
"No, Morris," – she responded.
Morris smiled, then asked:
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy, no I forgot to send the check!"
Now Morris laughed.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?"
"Oy, forgive me Morris, I forgot that one too!"
Now Morris was practically choking with laughter.
Esther asked Morris:
"So what are you smiling and laughing about?"
Morris responded:
"They'll find us."
LATIN
Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.
"Pincus," - Yacov said, - "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black. We need new suits and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."
Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said:
"See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for the nuns. In all the world," - Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, - "there is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nun's habits from and it is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"
A few weeks later the two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, on a whim, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.
"What did that man want?" - one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," - she replied. "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"In Latin?" - asked the first nun. "What did he say?"
He said, - "Marcus, Pincus fuctus."
JEWISH LOGIC
A young man, Yossi and an elderly man Hymie were riding on a bus in Jerusalem. Yossi asked:
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"
Hymie hat sich gemacht nit vissen dik (didn't answer). Yossi asked again:
“Sir, what time is it?"
Hymie still did not answer.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really need to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"
Hymie turned his head and said:
"Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why
would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
BACON TREE
Back in the Wild West, a wagon train was lost and very low on food and they had seen no other people for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said:
"We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," – the old Jewish man said, – "I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree.
" bacon tree!!!!?" – asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."
The leader went back and told his people what the Jewish man had told him.
"So why did he say not to go there?" – some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know the Jewish folks – they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train went up the hill and down the other side. About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returned, disheveled and wounded, to where the old Jewish man was sitting and enjoying his drink. The near-dead man started shouting:
"You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."
The Jewish man held up his hand and said:
"Oy, vait a minute, vait a minute."
He got out an English-Yiddish dictionary and began thumbing through it.
"Oh mine Gott, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree....”Are you ready for this????
"I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!"
golf
A British couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple were at the links ready to tee off. The Brit's wife stepped up to the tee and as she bent over to place the ball, a gust of wind blew her skirt up and revealed her lack of underwear.
"Allo! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" - her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!"
The Brit immediately reached into his pocket and said:
"For the sake of St. Paul, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blew up to show that she was wearing no undies.
"Bejesus woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"
She replied:
"I can't afford any on the money you give me!"
He reached into his pocket and said:
"For the sake of St. Patrick, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she too was naked under it.
"Hoot mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?"
She too explained:
"You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!"
The Scot reached into his pocket and said:
"For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit."
SCOTTISH ROMANCE
A Scotsman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Scotsman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Scotsman took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Scotsman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Scotsman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
THE TALMUDIST
After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:
“This fellow doesn't look like a peasant and if he isn't a peasant, he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs.
But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.
What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.”
At this point the scholar turned to the young man and said:
"How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir." - answered the startled passenger. “But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," - replied the Talmudist, - "it was obvious."
THE ERRAND
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", - said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, - "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', - said the Irishman, - "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
THE LOST LUGGAGE
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," - replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" - said the Irishman.
LOST AT SEA
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out:
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!”
WATER TO WINE
An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for speeding. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He said:
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," - said the priest. The trooper said:
"Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said:
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
THE FALL
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," - he implored, "let it be blood!!"
VAN DER MERWE
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by:
"What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," - said the Aussie.
"Boys!" - replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark nets," - the Aussie told him.
"Great country this!" - said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"
THE HASSID AND THE BLONDE
Schlomo the Hassid was standing by a hotel bar about an hour before Shabbat all dressed up in his special Shabbat clothes. A magnificent looking blonde airline hostess, with legs that go on forever, and breasts that are just waiting to envelop you, had just finished checking in, and was on her way to the elevator, when she saw the Hassid. She stopped dead in her tracks and walked over to him.
"Hi" - she said.
"Hullo" - he answered.
"I have a confession to make to you," - she said.
He nodded.
"I have a sexual fantasy".
He nodded.
"I want to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis, play with his gartel, run my fingers through his beautiful beard and play with his payiss. In fact I want you now and I have a room upstairs. Will you join me for half an hour?"
He looked at her thoughtfully and said:
"And what's in it for me?"
AFRICAN ROULETTE
An African leader made an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader told the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whipped out a revolver, loaded one chamber, gave the cylinder spin, put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.
..CLICK...empty chamber.
He handed the revolver to his African guest and said:
"Your turn."
Not to be outdone, the African repeated the ritual.
..CLICK...empty.
The next year, the Russian visited the African country. At the end of the trip, the African told his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappeared through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling and said:
"Your turn."
The African escorted the Russian through the door. In the room were six of the most beautiful women he has ever seen, stark naked. The African explained that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asked:
"What kind of test of courage is this?"
"One of them is a cannibal."
COMPOSITION
An Englishman, an American and an Indian participated in an English composition course. The task each received from the teacher is to write a short story using the words ‘green, pink and yellow’.
The next day the American read his story before the class:
“Yesterday I drove my pink Cadillac to a green football field and ate a yellow banana.”
The Englishman’s story went like that:
“Yesterday I had green tea in a yellow cup and ate a pink cake.”
The last was the Indian to recite his composition:
“Yesterday I came home and heard the phone green green so I pinked it up and said yellow.”
IRISH FABLE
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor sighed, looked O'Malley in the eye and said:
"I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order as soon as possible."
O'Malley was shocked but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He then told his friends:
"I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!".
O'Malley then replied:
"I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I am gone."
MISSION RESPONSE
The British in relation to recent bombings have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Meanwhile, the French government has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Neighbor, Italy has increased its alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert level from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". Two higher levels remain: "invade Poland" and "lose"
Editors note: An increase in Germany to the highest alert level would of course require a rewrite of the traditional English folk song "Two world wars and one World Cup do dah do dah".
BEE INCONSPICOUS
Two bees met in a park and shot the breeze. One bee said to the other:
"How's the pollen thing going, Bobby?"
Terrible, just terrible ,Vern!" - moaned the second bee. "I haven't collected any pollen all morning. I'm a failure."
"No you're not," - the first bee responded sympathetically. "Look, I've got just the thing, Bobby. Go down to the last house on this street. They're Jewish; they're having a bar mitzvah and the house is filled with flowers. More pollen than you've ever seen."
Later that same day the bees met at the hive. The first bee said:
"So, Bobby, how did it go this afternoon?"
"Great, Vern! Just great!" - enthused the second bee. "I scored so much pollen at that Jewish affair you told me about that I had to make three trips to the hive just to get it all in the door".
"Nifty, Bob, but, uh, what's that thing on your head?" - asked the first bee.
"Something called a yarmulke, I think," - the second bee replied confidentially. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
PENPAL
A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced:
"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this
week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.”
THOSE KIDS
Three Jewish women got together for lunch. As they were being seated in the restaurant, one took a deep breath and gave a long, slow "oy." The second took a deep breath as well and let out a long, slow "oy." The third took a deep breath and said impatiently:
"Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
INDIAN
Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said:
"Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."
Mujibar said:
"I am ready."
The officer said:
"Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said:
"Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said:
"Go ahead."
Mujibar said:
"The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at Telstra on the Help Desk.
PARKING PLACE
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said:
"Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said:
"Never mind, I found one."
GROUP FARE
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal and said to the first man he met:
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said:
"I do Father."
The priest said:
"Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man:
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," - was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," - said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked:
"Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said:
"No, I don't Father”.
The priest said:
"I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said:
"Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
IRISH REPENTANCE
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent:
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," - he told the priest.
"I understand my son," - said the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
CAREFUL
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" - asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" - replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
SIGHT TEST
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" - the optician asked.
"Read it?" - the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
THE CLEVER MATHEMATICIAN
A recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passed a little math test.
"Here's your first question," - the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" - the Italian said. "Dat is easy."
And he proceeded to draw three trees.
"What's this?" - the boss asked.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," - said the Italian.
"Fair enough," - said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree.
"Ere you go."
The boss scratched his head and said:
"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian man stared into space some more, then picked up the picture again, made a little mark at the base of each tree and said,
"Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looked at the attempt.
"You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leaned forward, pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said:
"A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
JEWISH FIRE DEPARTMENT
One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo, Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said;
"All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department which could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer, sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief:
"What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," - said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da first thing ve gonna do is, fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
DUMB WHITE MAN
Chief Two Eagles was asked by one government official:
"Chief, you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological
advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued:
"Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled:
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
THING OF BEAUTY
Into a Belfast pub came Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm was in a sling, his nose was broken, his face was cut and bruised and he was walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" - asked Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," - said Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," - said Sean, - "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," - said Paddy, - "a shovel is what he had and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," - said Sean, - "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," - said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
BRITISH GENEROSITY
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The United States is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The rest of the European community (except France) is sending money.
The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
The Brits, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis!
God Bless British generosity.
THE DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH
A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents
each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch
time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter,
but never take a pretzel.
This went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One
day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter
as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to
tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."
AS SAFE AS ANYWHERE
Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another passenger took a seat beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck -- he was pale, his hands were shaking, he was biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey pal, what's the matter?" - Chuck asked.
"Oh man ... I've been transferred to Michigan," - the other guy answered. "There are crazy people in Michigan and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate ..."
"Hold on," - Chuck interrupted, - "I've lived in Michigan all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school -- and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said:
"Oh thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" - said Chuck. "Oh, nothing special. I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Dearborn."
NOT DEAF
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink was driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car weaved violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.
"So," - said the cop to the driver, - where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," - slurred the drunk.
"Well," said the cop, - "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," - the drunk said with a smile.
"Did you know," - said the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, - "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," - sighed the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
POLISH
A man walked into a store and asked the clerk:
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looked at him and said:
"Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) said:
"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you?"
The clerk said:
"Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy said:
"Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied:
"Because you're at Home Depot."
REDNECK
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
MOSES NEGOTIATES THE COMMANDMENTS
The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather, this caused a shudder among the waiting mass. The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses.
Moses set down his load and raised his hands:
"Friends," - he said. "Friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from 15 to 10. The bad news is: Adultery is still in."
NUNS
An old Jewish lady was sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. At the next table there were 3 nuns discussing where to go for a vacation. The 2nd nun said to Mother Superior:
"Let's go to Jerusalem."
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The 3rd nun said to Mother Superior:
"Let's go to New York ."
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The 2nd nun spoke again and said:
"Let's go to Los Angeles."
Mother Superior said:
"No, too many Jews there."
The little Jewish old lady leaned over and said with a Yiddish Accent:
"Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, dere are no Jews there!!!"
RUMOR
Abe was told by his chaver Hymie, that his wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with his best friend. Worried and hurt, Abe ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true. He came back to the office contented and relieved. Hymie asked him how it went.
"Look," - said Abe, - "don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend……
I don't even know him."
JEWISH BRA
A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady:
"I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked:
"What kind of bra?"
He repeated:
"A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," - said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused and a little flustered, the man asked:
"So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded:
"It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said:
"Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
A Jewish bra," - she replied, - "makes mountains out of molehills."
SINNING
Patrick Callaghan was in Ballydinkum and met by chance Rosemary O'Brien. Rosemary was a pretty lady whose husband Mick had died two years before. Now she lived with her mum and dad on a farm just outside Ballydinkum and had a 15 year old daughter.
Patrick was very pleased to see her - he had known her when they were teenagers - and asked her to the Inn for a coffee. He returned to Ballydinkum several times to see Rosemary and eventually persuaded her to go with him on a picnic to a little lake not far from Ballydinkum - a lovely secluded place. (He borrowed McCafferty's van for the occasion).
It was a romantic setting and although Patrick's advances were initially gently resisted, eventually they made love beside the lake. Later, Rosemary was quietly weeping:
"I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter Patty tonight, Patrick" - she said - "after I've sinned twice this afternoon".
"We only did it once Rosemary" - Patrick replied.
And Rosemary gave a happy little sigh and said:
"Well, we ARE going to do it again, aren't we?"
PROBABLY TRUE TOO
A Somali arrived in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stopped the first person he saw walking down the street and said:
“Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!”
The passerby said:
“You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.”
The man went on and encountered another passerby.
“Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!”
The person said:
“I not American, I am a Vietnamese.”
The new arrival walked further and stopped the next person he saw, shook his hand and said:
“Thank you for the wonderful America!”
That person put up his hand and said:
“I am from the Middle East, I am not an American!'
Finally he saw a nice lady and asked:
“Are you an American?”
She said:
“No, I am from Africa!”
Puzzled, he asked her:
“Where are all the Americans?”
The African lady checked her watch and said:
“Probably at work!”
NAVIGATION PROBLEM
A tourist from Japan was walking the streets of Manhattan. He was trying to find Bloomingdales Department Store, without success. At last he stopped an elderly Jewish-Polish woman and asked:
"Excuse me. Can you tell me how to find Bloomingdales?"
"You found Pearl Harbour. Find Bloomingdales!"
THE LUCKY ONE
Rivka went to her rabbi for advice.
"Rabbi," - she said - "Both Abe and Sol are in love with me. Both want to marry
me and I have to pick... Who will be the lucky one?"
The rabbi looked at her and replied:
"Abe will marry you and Sol will be the lucky one."
AHMED AND HAMID
Ahmed and Hamid were both beggars at several traffic lights in Sydney. Ahmed drove a Mercedes, lived in a mortgage-free house and had a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brought in 2 to 3 dollars a day. One day Hamid asked Ahmed how he managed to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day. Ahmed said:
“Look at your sign. It says, ‘I have no work, a wife and six kids to support’. Aussies who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family, whether they give you money or not! Now look at my sign!”
So Hamid looked and Ahmed's sign read:
“I only need another $100 to move back to Lebanon!”
WRONG ANSWER
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon the completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions. All the other questions were answered correctly. The manager went to Murphy and said:
"Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy said:
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"
The manager replied:
"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" - asked Murphy.
The manager replied:
"Simple. The American put down for question five, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
TIE
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked:
“Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied:
“I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted:
“Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie; I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.”
“OK,” - said the old Jewish man, - “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back.
“Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie.”
sales campAIGN
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read:
“FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP”
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8 and the proprietor said:
“You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.”
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again, he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said:
“Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy:
“I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.”
Paddy replied:
“No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.”
HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them:
“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”
“NO!” - the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”
Again, the answer was:
“NO!”
By now I was starting to smile.
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”
Again, they all answered:
“NO!”
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued:
“Then how can I get into heaven?”
A six year-old boy shouted out:
“YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."
LENIN
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union to immigrate to Israel. When searched at the Moscow airport, customs found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: “What is that?”
Old man: “What is that? Don't say 'What is that?', say 'Who is that?' That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!”
The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, Israeli customs found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: “What is that?”
Old man: “What is that? Don't say 'What is that?', say 'Who is that?' That is Lenin! The 'Chaleria' (disparaging sobriquet) …! I will display him in my toilet for all the years he stopped me from coming home.“
The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: “Who is that?”
Old man: “Who is that? Don't say 'Who is that?' say 'What is that?' That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!”
ENLISTED
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day and as always, Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands, as the congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him:
"You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied:
"I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned:
“How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah* and Yom Kippur*?"
Moishe whispered back:
"I'm in the secret service."
*Jewish holidays
SUITABILITY TEST
A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview said:
“Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test, that you must take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he said:
“Take this pistol, go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?” - asked the man.
“Great attitude,” - said the Sergeant. “When can you start?”
IRISH VIRGINITY TEST KIT
Paddy was planning to marry, he was and asked his family doctor, how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor said:
"Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks:
"Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replied:
"Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, ‘That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...’, you hit her with the shovel.”
butt experT
Trust the Chinese to have his wits when he's surrounded by such racists.
A Chinese immigrant went hunting one day in Ontario, Canada and bagged three ducks. He put them in the back of his pickup truck and was about to drive home, when he was confronted by a game warden who didn’t like Chinese.
The game warden ordered the Chinese to show his hunting license and the man
pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said:
”This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec hunting license, boy?”
The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its but and said:
“This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?”
The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt and said:
“This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia hunting license?”
Again the Chinese reached into his wallet keeping calm and patience and brought out a Nova Scotia license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point and yelled at the Chinese:
“Just where the hell are you from?”
The Chinese smiled, turned around, bent over, dropped his pants showing his butt and said:
”You tell me, you are the expert.”
FAMILY TRADITION
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
“Grandma,” - he asked, - "it's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said:
"Because your father, your grandfather and your great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen and you were born in August, ya dip stick.
History’s shortest books:
1,000 Years of German Humor
Great Britain’s Best Dishes
American Culture
A Guide to Arab Democracy
Countries where Frenchmen are Popular
All that Men Know about Women
Popular Lawyers’ Directory
Ethiopian World Domination Schemes
Kept Electoral Promises - from 487 BC to Our Days
Safe Driving in Italy
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Entire Vocabulary
Led Zeppelin: Our Favorite Disco Music
Sylvester Stallone’s Tips for Dramatic Acting
Defensive Driving Tips for the Blind
Outdoor Activities in Chernobyl
Contraceptive Tips for Nuns
Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus
Green Peace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes
Human Rights organizations in Libya
Guide to Neo-Nazi Jewish Friendship Centers
List of Fine Wines from Iran
List of Homeless Boston Debutantes
List of Catholic Abortion referral services
List of Women Rabbis
List of Women Popes, Cardinals & Bishops
List of Libyan registered women voters
Brief notes:
* HEAVEN is ... when the police are British, the cooks French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it is all organized by the Swiss!
HELL is ... when the police are German, the cooks British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians!
* The Polish wife looked at herself in the mirror and uttered:
“The son-of-the-bitch really deserves it!”
* Question:
“Why do Scottish bagpipers walk up and down while playing their instrument?”
Answer:
“It’s more difficult to hit a moving target.”
* Asked the Polish wife:
“After I fell asleep, did it take you long to come?”
* Question:
“Does a two-piece bathing suit conform to Jewish dietary laws?”
Answer:
“Yes, as the dairy part is completely separate from the meaty one.”
* Question:
“In Scotland, how does a policeman go about dispersing a crowd?”
Answer:
“He takes off his cap and starts a collection.”
* Question:
“When abroad, how does a Scotsman manage to conceal his identity?”
Answer:
“He tips the bell-boy at the hotel.”
* Question:
“How does a Jewish couple do it ‘doggie style?’”
Answer:
“He sits up and begs; she lays down and plays dead.”
FOR YOUR KIDS
NO PEEKING
A man, who had lost an eye in an accident, used to put his glass eye in a cup on his bedside table at night. Once, when he was very thirsty, he mistakenly drank from the cup containing his eye and swallowed it. The next day he went to his physician, complaining about an awful bellyache. The good doctor decided to give him an enema and as he stood there administering it, he suddenly exclaimed:
“Oh my God! In all my 25 years in practice, I have looked at many an ass, but this is the first time that an ass has looked back at me.”
EASY BET
|The Inland Revenue decided to audit Clement, summoned him to their office for an appointment with their most thorough auditor, who was not|
|surprised when Clement arrived with his solicitor. The auditor said: |
|“Sir, you cannot deny that you have an extravagant lifestyle, no full-time employment and pay no taxes on the grounds of your contention |
|that you win money gambling. I have to tell you that Her Majesty's Customs and Excise finds that explanation difficult to believe.” |
|“I am a great gambler and can prove it,” - said Clement. “Would you like a demonstration?” |
|The auditor considered this for a moment and agreed. Clement said: |
|“I bet you a thousand pounds I can bite my own eye.” |
|The auditor thought for a while, finally said: |
|“It's a bet.” |
|Clement removed his glass eye and bite it. The auditor looked sick. |
|“I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye” - said Clement. The auditor could see Clement wasn't blind, so he accepted|
|the bet. Clement removed his false teeth and bite the good eye. The stunned auditor now realized he has bet and lost £3,000, with |
|Clement's solicitor as a witness; he got very nervous. |
|"Double or quits?” - said Clement. “I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on the right-hand side of your desk and piss into |
|the bin on the far side without getting one drop anywhere between.” |
|The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but examined the proposal carefully. Clement was not a tall man; he was old;, the desk was |
|eight foot wide; he decided there is simply no way Clement could do that, so he agreed again. Clement stood at the side of the desk, |
|unzipped his trousers, strained for all he was worth, but could not make the stream reach the bin on the far side and finished up having |
|urinated pretty well all over the auditor's desk. |
|The auditor leapt with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a sizeable win, then noticed that Clement's solicitor is |
|moaning, with his head in his hands. |
|“Are you okay?” - asked the auditor. |
|“Not really,” said the solicitor. “This morning, when Clement told me he had been summoned to this audit, he bet me £20,000, that he could|
|come in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it . . . and I took the bet." |
| |
| |
DOUBTING THOMASES
Jim’s friends knew that even though he is a good pal, ever ready to extend a helping hand to those in need, hygiene is not his forte. So, when they received invitations for the premier of a new drama, Jim was told that he could come only if he promised to wear clean socks.
Opening night came around and the well-dressed crowd trooped into the theater. As the friends took their seats, an awful stench was felt. They all looked accusingly at Jim and asked:
“But you promised...?”
“I did change my socks,” - said the man, - “but I knew you would not believe me. So, I brought the evidence with me!”
With that, he pulled a pair of dirty socks out of his pocket and raised them for all to see.
ME TOO
A journalist used the Main Street café as his office. It was within reach of all-important locales, frequented by government officials, air-conditioned, had good food and all in all, was the best place to hear the latest gossip. There was only one fly in the ointment. He loved coffee, but every time he ordered a cup, he had a phone-call and while he was away, some-body finished his coffee. The next time he had a phone call, he left a note on the top of his cup:
“This is my coffee and I spit in it!”
When he finished the phone conversation and returned to his table, he found that somebody had added a further line to his note, saying:
“Me too!”
When asked by somebody, who does not really give a damn about my well-being, how I am, I always tell him the joke.
SO FAR, SO GOOD
A man jumped off the top floor of the World Trade building. As he was plunging past the 70th floor, somebody stuck his head out one of the windows and asked the falling man:
“Hey man, how are you?”
“So far, so good!” - came the answer.
(This is the end of Joke One, but it has a continuation).
The building was high and the fall long. While the man was descending, a crowd gathered below. Luckily enough, our man fell into a bush and nothing worse happened to him, than a few insignificant scratches. Just when he got up and brushed himself off, a policeman arrived and asked him:
“What the hell is happening here?”
“I don’t know,” - answered the man. “I just got here.”
POLITE GUYS
“Hello, is this 2566-342?”
“No, it is 2565-342.”
“Sorry, wrong number.”
‘Never mind, the phone was ringing anyway.”
PLACEBO
“I tried to use gum instead of cigarettes.”
“And with what results?”
“None whatsoever. Gum smells like hell when you light up.”
A LONER
“I hope that I can be of assistance to you after your release,” - said the prison chaplain to the bank robber.
“Thank you,” - answered the hardened criminal, - “but I always work alone.”
DYSLEXIA
A blind man came into the carpentry workshop. He felt the wood file with his fingers and exclaimed:
“Who wrote such a lot of nonsense?”
Two of Murphy’s best Laws:
“Never teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.”
“The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood you are standing in the wrong line.”
Questions and Answers:
* Question:
“Whose skeleton is it over there in the bushes?”
Answer:
“Probably that of last years’ winner in the hide-and-seek competition.”
* Question:
“What do you get if you cross cars with strawberries?”
Answer:
“Traffic jam.”
Famous last sentences:
“Tom, throw me the hammer.”
“Have no fear! The ice is quite thick.”
“What could be the purpose of this button here?’
“Nonsense my dear, there are no sharks in these waters.”
“Somebody is going to get hurt doing that.”
“Look how cute these porpoises are!”
Patient in hospital: “I’m feeling much better.”
Biologist: “This type of snake isn’t poisonous.”
Captain: “This ship is unsinkable.”
Bicyclist: “Look, no hands!”
Jack-of-all-trades: “This shelf should hold.”
Inventor: “Let’s try it!”
Computer: “Are you sure? (Y/N).”
Prehistoric man: “I wonder what is in that cave?”
Guest in restaurant: “I chose the fried mushrooms.”
Electrician: “Of course I removed the fuse.”
Watchman: “Is anybody there?”
Policeman: “This was his 6th shot. His gun must be empty.”
Animal-tamer: “These lions have been fed.”
FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES
UNTIL NOW ...
The young couple had their first child. Everything seemed normal, the baby had two ears, two eyes, ten fingers and the only thing that seemed strange was that he did not utter a sound. At first, his parents thought that they have been blessed with an unnaturally quiet child, but when a year and half passed and the boy still kept mum, they got alarmed and took him to a pediatric clinic. The doctors found nothing amiss with the child and told his worried parents, to be patient with him:
“Some children are just naturally lazy and start speaking at a later age.”
Two years passed and the child, though otherwise a perfectly ordinary infant, continued with his vow of silence. His worried parents took him to see some specialists, first locally and then abroad, but all the doctors gave their offspring a clean bill of health and found no physical reasons for his continued silence. For their son’s fourth birthday, his mother prepared a festive dinner with all his favorite dishes. The boy had a healthy appetite and ate his way silently through all the courses, until the last one. Then suddenly, he said:
“This pudding is inedible!”
Both parents were dumbfounded. It was the mother who first spoke up:
“Sweetheart, you can talk! Why didn’t you speak sooner?”
“Until now, everything was just fine” - replied the child.
IMPROVED VERSION
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked:
“Did God make you, Grandpa?”
“Yes, God made me,” - the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him:
“Did God make me too?”
“Yes, He did,” - the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up:
“You know, Grandpa,” - she said, - “God's doing a lot better job lately.”
PAINKILLER
A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
“Why do you want cider?” - asked Mom.
“To take the pain away,” - sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
“It doesn't work!” - she yelled.
“What do you mean?” - asked Mom.
“Well,” - sniffed the little girl, - “I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!”
EFFICIENT DETERRENT
A twelve-year old Jewish boy was failing math. His well-to-do parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the advice of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a focused and very determined expression on his face and went directly to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged for diner and even then, quickly cleaned his plate, went straight back to his room and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued until the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card, laid it on the table and went straight to his room. Apprehensively, his mother opened it and saw to her amazement a red “A” under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed at this remarkable progress, the parents rushed into their son's room
“Was it the nuns who did it?” - the father asked.
The boy only shook his head and said:
“No.”
“Was it the teachers? The peer-mentoring?”
“No.”
“The textbooks? The curriculum?”
“Nope,” - said the son. “The very first day, when I walked in through the front door and saw that guy nailed to the 'plus sign', I knew they meant business!”
report card
A little girl and the mother were shopping. The girl asked her mother:
“How old are you?”
Mommy said:
“Honey, you'll learn later on in life that women don't talk about their age.”
The girl then asked:
“Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
Mommy said:
“That's another thing women don't talk about.”.
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother asked:
“Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
Mommy said:
“Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much and I don't want to talk about it now.”
The little girl was frustrated. She told her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend said:
“All you have to do is to sneak a look at your mother's driver’s license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything.”
The little girl and her mother were shopping again. The girl said:
“Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.”
Mommy was very surprised. She asked:
“Sweetheart, how did you do that?”
The girl shrugged and said:
“I just know and I also know that you weigh 120 pounds.”
The mother was flabbergasted. She asked:
“Where did you learn all that???”
The little girl said:
“I just know that's all and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ' F ' in sex.”
GOOD REASON
The kindhearted teacher saw Moishe’le wailing bitterly in the corridor.
“Why are you crying Moishe’le?” - she asked.
“The headmaster fell down the stairs.”
“But that is no reason to cry. Nothing happened to him.”
“Yes, but everybody saw it except for me!”
NOT VERY HELPFUL
It was the first day of school and the teacher told her kindergarten class:
“If any of you has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up two fingers.”
After a moment of quiet thought, one little boy asked:
“And how will that help?”
ANIMAL LOVER
The young father had made up his mind to always tell his offspring the truth. Therefore, during a walk on the beach when they saw a couple of dogs mating and his son asked what they were doing, embarrassed though he was, he answered:
“Little puppies.”
The next morning the boy opened his parents’ door just when they were having sex. Again he asked:
“What are you doing?”
Again his father truthfully answered:
“A little brother for you.”
“Daddy, can’t you turn Mummy over? I would much prefer getting a puppy.”
COLOR CODING
At a wedding a child asks his mother:
“Mummy why is that woman in a white dress?”
“The bride is wearing a white dress, because this is the happiest day of her life and white is the color of happiness.”
The child reflects for a while on his mother’s answer and then asks again:
“Then why is the bridegroom in black?”
HIDE AND SEEK
The phone rang and Moishe’le answered it:
“Hi Moishe’le, tell me, where is your father?”
“In the attic with the firemen,” - whispered Moishe’le.
“And your mother?”
“In the cellar with the policemen,” - whispered Moishe’le in an even quieter voice.
“And your sister?”
“In the garden with the soldiers.”
“What the heck is happening at your place. What are they all doing?”
“Searching for me.”
SO FAR…
Mr. and Mrs. Brown listened with an apologetic smile to their 6-year old son’s story, about how he played doctor with their neighbor’s daughter, 7-year old Monica.
“We want to marry,” - declared Lance decisively.
“That’s nice,” - said the father, - “but shouldn’t you wait for a while? After all, you are so young. And anyway, how are going to pay the bills?”
“Oh, we discussed that, “ - answered Lance. “We shall pool our pocket money and in winter clear away the snow for the neighbors. We will manage very nicely.”
“And what will you do when you have a baby?” - asked Mrs. Brown.
Lance raised his eyes to his mother:
“So far we've been lucky!”
PEEPING TOMS
The teacher was a pretty young thing and the adolescents in her class showed great interest in her hidden charms. One day, she was giving an assignment to her class. It was a large assignment, so she started writing high up on the blackboard. Suddenly, one of the boys sniggered loudly. She quickly turned and saw that it was a boy in the third row.
“What's so funny Pat?” - demanded the teacher.
“I just saw one of your garters, teacher” - answered the boy.
“Get out of my classroom,” - she yelled. “I don't want to see you for three days.”
The teacher went back to writing the assignment. Realizing she had forgotten to title it, she reached to the very top of the blackboard. Suddenly there was an even louder giggle from another student. Again she turned and asked:
“What's so funny Billy?”
“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yelled:
“Get out!” This time the punishment was even more severe. “I don't want to see you for a week.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, when she returned to finishing the assignment, she dropped the eraser. As she bent over to pick it up, she saw, that Moishe’le, who sat in the first row, stood up, collected his things and started to leave the class.
“And where do you think you are going?” - asked the teacher.
“Well teacher, from what I just saw,” - answered Moishe’le - “ my school days are probably over.”
THE NATURE OF GOD
A nine-year old boy went up to his mother and asked:
“Is God male or female?”
After thinking a moment, his mother responded:
“Well, God is both male and female.”
This confused the little boy, so he asked:
“Is God black or white?”
“Well, God is both black and white.”
This confused the boy even more, so he asked:
“Is God gay or straight?”
Now it was the mother who was getting concerned, but she answered anyway:
“Honey, God is both gay and straight.”
At this, the boy's face lighted up with understanding and he triumphantly asked:
“Is God Michael Jackson?”
HE HAS A POINT
On returning from kindergarten, the little boy polished off a big portion of chocolate cake his grandmother served him, and declared with great satisfaction:
“When I grow up, I shall marry Granny.”
“You cannot marry Granny,” - objected his father. “She is my mother!”
“Didn’t you marry my mother?”
MOMENTARY DIFFICULTY
On their way home from kindergarten, the two tots saw a ravishing blonde on the other side of the street. .
“Look at that dame,” - said one. “Let’s go and screw her.”
“All right,” - replied the other, - “but first we have to find a grown-up to take us across the road.”
PANACEA
A child to his mother:
“Mummy, can you buy me a tampon?”
“Why on the Earth do you need a tampon?” - wondered the mother.
“I read in the newspaper that you can do everything with a tampon, swim, play tennis and even ride a horse.”
NO PROFITEERING
A child opened the door to his sister’s room just when she was engaged in making passionate love to her boyfriend. The alarmed man offered the boy $20, lest he should tell his parents of their misbehavior, but the boy said:
“$10 will be enough. You shouldn’t pay more than the rest of them.”
RIDDLES
One morning, the teacher posed a riddle to the class:
“There are four birds on a tree. A naughty child throws a stone at the tree and hits one bird. How many birds are left on the tree?”
“Three birds,” - shouted Moishe’le, happy that for once he knew the answer.
“There is a certain logic in your reply,” - said the teacher, - “but the correct answer is: None! The remaining birds were frightened and flew away.”
Moishe’le was quite mad for being taken in by such a simple question and asked the teacher if he may pose a riddle too. With her pupil’s reputation, the teacher was none too happy about the idea, but being a fair person, let him continue.
“On a hot, summer day, three women each have a cone of ice cream. One of them licks the ice cream, the other sucks it and the third just eats it up. Which of the women is married?”
The teacher felt trapped, but hazarded a reply:
“It seems probable, that the one who sucks the ice cream.”
“The correct answer is: The one, with a ring on her finger,” - said Moishe’le gleefully, - “but your answer has a certain logic to it.”
ABNORMAL FAMILY
Like every developing boy, Moishe’le was curious about the facts of life and kept pestering his parents with questions. One day he asked his father:
“Daddy, how did I come into the world?”
Like most parents, the father thought, that his son is too young to learn the real facts of life, so he responded:
“The stork brought you, my son!”
“How could the stork get into the house?” - wondered the child.
“Through the chimney of course.”
“And how did you come into the world?” - asked the boy.
“I too was brought by a stork.”
“And how about grandpa?”
“He too was brought by a stork.”
Moishe’le seemed to be very unhappy with this state of affairs. He scratched his head and uttered half loudly:
“There is definitely something wrong with this family. For three generations nobody was screwing!”
INSTRUCTIONS ARE ATTACHED
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother:
“There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”
“How did you know that?” - his mother asked.
“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” - he replied. “I think it's printed on the bottom.”
A SAD EVENT
It was a rainy Sunday in London (what else?) and the family was cooped up inside the small apartment. The father felt horny, so in order to have the necessary undisturbed solitude, he hit upon an idea to keep his son occupied.
“You know what, Billy boy, look out through the window and I shall give you a penny for every man in a top hat that you see on the street.”
The child liked the game, ran to the living-room window and while he was watching the scene below, his parents were busily consummating their marriage. Soon the boy’s voice was heard from the other room:
“Daddy, I see a man in a top hat.”
“Excellent, you earned yourself a penny,” - shouted the father and went on banging away.
“Two men wearing top hats came out of a house.”
“All right son, I owe you three pennies.”
Suddenly the boy yelled exultantly:
“Poppy, this fuck will cost you plenty! A funeral procession is coming around the corner.”
AFTERNOON QUICKIE
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- “There's a car being towed from the parking lot,” - he shouted.
- “An ambulance just drove by!”
- “Looks like the Andersons have company,” - he called out.
- “Matt's riding a new bike!”
- “Looks like the Sanders are moving!”
- “Jason is on his skate board!”
After a few moments he announced:
- “The Coopers are screwing!!”
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out:
- “How do you know they're screwing?”
- “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
GET SMART QUICKLY
A small boy’s parents took him to a nudist beach for the first time. The child looked around curiously and to his surprise discovered that not all men are equally endowed. When he asked his father about it, the man answered in an off-hand way:
“Isn’t it obvious? Those with the small ones are stupid and those with the big ones are smart. Now off you go. Build a sand castle, or something.”
Half an hour later, the father asked his son:
“Have you seen where your Mother has gone?”
“She is there, behind those bushes,” - replied the boy, “talking to a stupid guy, who is getting smarter by the minute.”
RODEO
Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act. Before dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed:
“Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”
Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agreed. Johnny hopped on and daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping. Johnny cried out:
“Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”
TOOK HIM LITERALLY
Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.
“Susan,” - she said, - “you didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place!”
“I thought he wouldn't need them,” - explained Susan. “Daddy says he always eats like a horse.”
PLAYING MOMMY AND DADDY
As soon as ten-year-old Tommy came home from school, he rushed to the fridge and was getting out the ice cream when his mother entered the kitchen.
“ You shouldn't have ice cream now, Tommy” - she said. “You won't be able to eat dinner. Go and play with your friends.”
“But there's no one outside” - whined the boy.
“OK, then I'll play with you. What do you want to play?”
“I wanna play Mommy and Daddy” - said the child.
Trying not to sound surprised, his mother replied:
“Fine, let's play. What shall I do?”
“Lie down in the bedroom.”
Feeling a little apprehensive, but confident that she would be able to control any problem, the mother went upstairs. Cockily, Tommy strutted to the entrance hall, opened the closet and donned an old hat he found there. On his way upstairs, he noticed one of his fathers' pipes on a table. He stuck it in his mouth and went to the bedroom doorway. Mom asked:
“What do I do now?”
In a surly voice, Tommy uttered:
“Get your ass downstairs and give that kid some ice cream!”
HOMEFREE
“Is your mother home?” - the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house.
“Yeah, she's home,” - the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said:
“I thought you said your mother was home.”
The kid replied:
“She is, but this isn't where I live.”
HIDEOUS DEFORMITY
The country-girl got her period for the first time. She became very frightened, as she didn’t know what caused her bleeding, so she went to the neighbor’s boy, hoping that he could help her. The boy pulled down her panties and in a state of shock exclaimed:
“Of course you are bleeding! Someone has cut off your penis.”
PHONE CALL
“Hello, is it the Headmaster? Moishe’le is very sick and cannot come to school today.”
“Hello, who is speaking?”
“My … Dad!” - came the shaky answer.
A SERIOUS QUESTION
At Hebrew School, the rabbi finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
“Rabbi” - asked little Melvin, - “there's something I need to know.”
“What's that my child?” - asked the rabbi.
“Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“Right.”
“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”
“Uh ... right.”
“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”
“Again you are correct.”
“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?”
“All that is correct,” - agreed the rabbi. “So what's your question?”
“What I need to know is this,” - demanded Melvin. “What were all the grown-ups doing?”
REALLY PAINFUL
Two five-year-old boys were standing at the toilet to pee. One said:
“Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!”
“I've been circumcised.”
“What's that mean?”
“It means they cut the skin off the end.”
“How old were you when it was cut off?”
“My mom said I was eight days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!”
TATTLER
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said:
“Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ....”
The mother held up her hand and said:
“Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me.”
The father came home and the wife told him that she's leaving him.
“But why?” - croaked the husband.
“Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me.”
“Well,” - said little Johnny, - “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob – remember?”
MORALITY TALE
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” - she asked.
“They're mating,” - her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” - she asked.
“That's a daddy longlegs” - her father answered.
“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” - the little girl asked.
“No,” - her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
“Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden.”
SURPRISE
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred. So he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. After a while, the boy came into the room where his father was talking with some friends.
“Say, Pop,” - said the boy, - “the bull just fucked the brown cow”.
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said, ‘Excuse me’ and took his son outside.
“Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go, watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow”.
The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said:
“Hey, Pop.”
“Yes, Son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?”
“He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!”
NOT SO STONY
Two ten year old boys were swimming at a swimming hole. They just finished and used towels to dry off, when from the bushes they saw a naked woman go swimming in the pond. They watched for four-five minutes, when one of the boys bolted and ran away. The other boy ran after him and asked:
“Why’d you run?”
To which the first boy responded:
“My mom told me that if I ever stared at a naked lady, I’d turn to stone... and I felt it happening!”
YOUNG ASSISTANT
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother pushed and pushed and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded:
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. You should smack his butt again."
CONSENSUS
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said:
“My father is better than your father.”
The other kid said:
“Well, my mother is better than your mother.”
The first boy paused:
“I guess you're right. My father says the same thing.”
KNOWLEDGEABLE
A little girl went to the barbershop with her father. She stood next to the barber chair, while her dad got his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber said to her:
“Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie.”
She said,
“Yes, I know. I'm gonna get boobies too.”
PSYCHOLOGY
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying:
"Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
HOPELESS
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face:
"Why do you do that, mommy?" - he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," - said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
CHANNELHOPPER
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said:
"Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied:
"NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
LOGICAL
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," - said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked:
"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
AUCTION
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked:
"Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied:
"Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy".
Johnny, looking worried, said:
"Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello," - said the little boy.
"Hi," - replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" - asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," - answered the little girl.
"Me too," - replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" - asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," - replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," - replied the little boy.
They discovered that they were both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," - said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," - replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," - said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and
hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," - replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked:
"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."
MORTGAGE
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said:
"Son, we'd buy you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked:
"Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him:
"I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"
THE WASH CLOTH
There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this! I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. The doctor surprised me a little when he said:
"My, we have made an extra effort down here this morning, haven't we?"
I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom:
"Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied:
"No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.
WALKING THE DOG
A little girl asked her Mom:
“Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replied:
“No, because she is in heat.”
“What's that mean?” - asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.”
The little girl went to the garage and asked:
“Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said:
“Bring Belle over here.”
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said:
“OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked:
“Where's Belle?”
The little girl answered:
“She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.”
POLITENESS
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But Mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
SCARY
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
SEXUAL PROBLEMS
One day a small boy in the kindergarten told the nurse:
“May I be excused please? I would like to go home now, I have sexual problems.”
The nurse was a little dumbfounded, but let the boy go home. Next day, to the nurse’s great consternation, the event was repeated, but she again let the boy return home. On the third day she could no longer restrain herself and agitatedly asked:
“It is not my habit to interfere in somebody’s intimate matters, but…. hm…. what sexual problems could you possibly have?”
“I’m totally fucked off with kindergarten.”
ONLY THE TRUTH, ALWAYS
Little Tony was 6 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while, when he came into the house and asked her:
“Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth:
“It's called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Tony said:
“Oh, OK,” - and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily:
“Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.”
WEENIE
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother:
"Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say:
"It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked:
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied:
“No, salty.”
Brief ones:
* It was the Holiday Season and the streets were full of shoppers. In the throng a child lost his mother. He was a big boy and did not cry, but went about asking the passersby:
“Excuse me! Have you seen a mother without a boy looking like me?”
* Said the three-year old kindergarten boy, when he saw a girl without panties for the first time in his life: “How practical! Completely built-in.”
GAY LIBERATION FRONT
DUTY ROSTER
A ship sunk in a big storm and only seven passengers in a small boat managed to reach an uninhabited island. Six of the survivors were women and one was a man. There was plenty of food and water, the weather was uniformly pleasant and the only problem was how to provide a satisfactory and balanced love life for all. In the end, the women all agreed on a roster, which gave each of them one night per week with the only male on the island. Saturday was his night off.
The man was as happy as any red-blooded male would have been in his place. He had six young females for his sole enjoyment, with no competition in sight. Still, things seldom are as they seem to be and after a year he was completely fed up with his role of resident stud. So much so, that had it been possible, he would have practiced abstinence for the rest of his life.
Such was the situation, when one day another ship happened to sink near the island. All the inhabitants of the small island were on the beach, ready to help any survivors, but only one person was seen fighting the waves bravely. With the help of a rope thrown to him, the survivor reached safety. It then became apparent that he was a young athletic man. Joyfully, the man on the island took aside the new arrival and whispered to him:
“Welcome to Paradise. We shall have the time of our life. Each of us will service three women and spend the other four days of the week fishing, swimming, or just plain relaxing.”
“I regret that I cannot be of assistance,” - said the young man, - “I am a member of the Gay Liberation Front.”
Dejected our man thought to himself:
“Damn, there goes my free Saturday night!”
FAMILY TRADITION
The veteran fighter for gay rights was interviewed:
“Tell me sir, was your father also gay?”
“Yes, he was.”
“And your grandfather?”
“He too.”
“And your uncle?”
“Yes, of course. it is a tradition with us.”
“So is there nobody in your family who likes pussy?”
“Actually there is. My sister.”
LIES
A cabbie picked up a nun. She got into the cab and the noticed that the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asked him why he is staring and he replied:
“I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answered”
“My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well....I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me passionately.”
She responded:
“Well, let's see what we can do about that: *1, you have to be single and *2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver was very excited and said:
“Yes, I'm single and Catholic too!!”
The nun said:,
“OK, pull into the next alley.”
He did and the nun fulfilled his fantasy. But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” – said the nun, – “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied and must confess. I'm married and Jewish.”
The nun said:
“That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.”
FAIRY TALE
Two pillars of the gay community passed the time of day on Washington Bridge, just watching the empty beer cans bobbing up and down in the dirty water. Suddenly, one of them pointed:
“Look at that ferry-boat!”
His surprised companion said:
“I didn’t know we have a Navy?”
INNOCENT PASSERBY
A man, with a scratched face and torn clothing, came limping into the police station. He complained that the previous evening, while taking a stroll in Central Park, two men jumped him, raped him and for good measure, beat him up too. The police sergeant looked him over curiously and asked:
“But you are a strong, young man. Why didn’t run away?”
“Have you ever tried running in high-heels?”
CLOSE FIT
“When I get home, I’ll rip off my wife’s undies.”
“Why, are you that horny?”
“No, they just feel too tight.”
IDENTITY CRISIS
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked:
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied:
"Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said:
"I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked:
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied:
"I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
NOT HIS DAY
While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against it. Seeing this, he inquired:
"Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," - the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man said:
"Well, OK..."
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys and then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked:
"What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said:
"This just ain't gonna be your day."
MAID SERVICE
A lesbian went to a gynecologist and the gynecologist said:
“I must say, this is the cleanest vagina I've seen in ages.”
“Thanks,” - said the lesbian. “I have a woman in three times a week.”
TEEN AGE SEX
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
BIRTHDAY PRESENT
There was this guy whose next door neighbors were a lesbian couple. They were very nice ladies and they became quite good friends with the guy. When they learned, that his birthday was approaching, they asked him what he would like for a present.
“I wanna watch!” – said the guy.
Sure enough, on his birthday the couple presented him with a Rolex.
GENIES, JINNS AND FAIRIES
NEIGHBORLY GUY
While plowing the land, the cheapskate farmer found an ancient jug in the earth. Driven by curiosity, he opened it and out came a genie, jailed inside the jug 10,000 years ago. The thankful spirit told the farmer that he would grant any wish of his, with one precondition:
“Your neighbor will get double of anything that you get!”
This was one tough decision for the farmer. He thought for a while and then said:
“I wish you would remove one of my balls.”
THREE GIFTS
Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half-buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.
“I can't grant your wishes,” - explained the freed spirit, - “but I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: A potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts.”
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.
“Yes,” - she replied. “It's been an unusual day. At 2 PM a 55-gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight.”
Remember the DDR, the East German Republic? And remember Erich Honneker, the greatly hated leader of this now defunct state? He played an important part in many a joke, recounted with relish, in those not-so-long-ago days in Eastern Europe.
ALWAYS ON THE CALL
Shortly before retiring for the night, Brezhnev was having a few drinks of vodka, when suddenly a genie appeared at his bedside. Before the astonished Communist leader could summon his guards, the apparition declared:
“Do not fear mortal! I am here to fulfill three of your wishes.”
Brezhnev did not really believe in spirits, but played along and to test the apparition’s credibility, wished that his bed would turn into a waterbed. Even before he finished speaking, his heavy body was immersed in the soft contours of the latest in waterbed models from California. His second wish was to convert his Kremlin bedroom, into an American-style suite. No sooner was his wish uttered, than it became a reality and he found himself in a luxurious, air conditioned apartment, complete with a well-equipped bar, TV wall, stereo, exercise-bicycle, etc. Brezhnev did not have to think long. His last wish was to have a nubile, voluptuous maiden at his side on the bed. As he saw the curvaceous form, languorously reclining on the pillow next to him, he could not help himself, but sighing out loudly:
“Now all I need is a good schmuck!”
Just as he finished his words, a knock sounded and Erich Honneker appeared at the door:
“Did you call, Boss?”
TALL ORDER
A farmer was plowing his field when his plow struck a hard object. He bent down to see what it was and saw that it was a very old looking earthen jug. His curiosity aroused, he opened the heavily sealed stopper and out came a spirit with a big whoosh, 10 meters tall, bearded, turbaned, looking for all purposes like a Turkish pasha. The genie sighed, stretched luxuriously and then folding his arms on his chest bowed to the fearful farmer and in a deep rumbling voice vocalized:
“Don’t be afraid. I have been locked in this bottle for 10,000 years and am indebted to you, mortal being, for setting me free. I am yours to serve and will fulfill any wish you may have.”
The farmer thought for a while and then said:
“It would benefit me and my family and also the country, if I could have an oil well in my courtyard.”
The genie looked embarrassed: “Take pity on me! I am only a minor spirit and out of practice at that. Cannot you wish for something easier?”
The farmer deliberated again and finally replied:
“I am married for 20 years to a Polish woman and I never had good sex with her. Could you grant me just one enjoyable, satisfying night with her?”
The spirit was dumbfounded by this request. He scratched his head and then said:
“Maybe I’ll try my hand with the oil well after all.”
WISHFUL THINKING
A husband and wife played golf at a posh golf club. Stately homes were lined up on both sides of the golf course. It was the wife’s turn, she hit the ball and with a spectacular arch it landed directly in the enormous picture window of the nearby mansion. A loud crash ensued; the glass broke into a million pieces and then quiet resumed. The couple ran over to the house, called through the broken window, but nobody answered. They looked into the room and saw a turbaned man sitting on a couch.
“Do you live here?” - asked the wife.
“Oh no. Just now somebody threw a stone, which broke that vase yonder and I was finally freed.”
“So you are a jinn?”
“Yes and to show you how grateful I am for releasing me, I’ll fulfill two of your wishes. I would like to keep the third wish for myself.”
After a whispered consultation the couple asked first that the husband would become the world’s best professional golf-player and secondly that they would have a million dollar yearly income. The jinn nodded and said:
“Consider it done,” - then turned to the husband - “and as for my wish, I want to sleep with your wife. I wasn’t with a woman for a thousand years and after all I just turned you into the best golfer of the world and a millionaire.”
The couple saw reason in the jinn’s arguments and agreed. The two retired into one of the bedrooms and when all was over, the jinn asked:
“My dear, how long have you been married?”
“For three years.”
“And since when do you believe in jinn tales?”
JEWISH GENIE
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He was crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand and discovered that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top and out popped a genie. But this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black capote coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
“Well, kid,” - said the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.”
“I’m not going to trust you,” said the Arab. “I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!”
“What do you have to lose? It looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The Arab thought about this for a minute and decided that the genie was right.
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”
*POOF* The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, kid, what’s your second wish?”
“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
*POOF* The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab said:
“I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women.”
*POOF* The Arab was turned into a Tampax.
The moral of the story is:
If you do business with a Jewish genie, there’s going to be a string attached.
REGRETS
An old lady was rocking in her rocking chair when a fairy godmother appeared in front of her and informed her that she will be granted three wishes.
“Well, now,” - said the old lady, - “I guess I would like to be really rich.”
*POOF* —her rocking chair turned to solid gold.
“And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”
*POOF* —she turned into a beautiful young woman.
“Your third wish?” - asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman’s cat wandered across the porch in front of them.
“Ooh—can you change him into a handsome prince?” - she asked.
*POOF* —there before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear:
“Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”
THE TINY PIANIST
A man walked into a bar with a paper bag. He sat down and placed the bag on the counter. The bartender walked up and asks what's in the bag. The man reached into the bag and pulled out a little man, about one foot high and set him on the counter. He reached back into the bag and pulled out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reached into the bag once again and pulled out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano.
The little man sat down at the piano and started playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" - said the bartender.
The man responded by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulled out a magic lamp. He handed it to the bartender and said:
"Here, Rub it."
So the bartender rubbed the lamp and suddenly there was a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie was standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish -- each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender got real excited. Without hesitating he said:
"I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walked into the bar. It was soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar was filled with ducks and they kept coming! The bartender turned to the man and quite angrily said:
"Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" - said the man. "Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"
THE OSTRICH
A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asked them for their orders. The man said:
"A hamburger, fries and a coke" - and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," - said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order:
"That will be $9.40 please," - and the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact
change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said:
"A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich said:
"I'll have the same."
Again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change. This became routine, until the two entered again.
"The usual?" asked the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad.
Shortly the waitress brought the order and said:
"That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table. The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer:
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," - said the man, - "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."
"That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars, or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," - said the man.
The waitress asked:
"So, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighed, paused and answered:
"My second wish was for a tall chick with big breasts and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
GHOST STORIES
SPELLING ERROR
Two men returned home on foot from a party late at night. To shorten their way, they decided to cut through the cemetery. Somewhere around the middle of the cemetery, a progressively strong hammering sound came out of the darkness. Trembling with fright they bravely continued, until they saw an old man with a hammer and chisel who was chiseling away on a gravestone. One of the men, who had regained his courage somewhat, exclaimed:
“Good Heavens, man, you almost shook us out of our shoes. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing here in the middle of night?”
“The fools,” – mumbled the old gent half loudly, – “they misspelled my name!”
MISUNDERSTANDING
A Professor at the University of Kentucky gave a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked:
“How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raised their hands.
“Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raised their hands.
“That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
15 students raised their hands.
“That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raised their hands.
“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
One student way in the back raised his hand. The professor was astonished. He took off his glasses, took a step back and said:
“Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin and began to make his way up to the podium. As he ambled slowly toward the podium the professor said:
“Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replied:
“Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit..... From way back there I thought you said ‘goats’.”
quick CURE
A man was returning home late at night. As always he had to cross a cemetery and as always he was terrified. Suddenly, a few steps in front of him he saw another man walking. With a few rapid strides he caught up with him and said:
“What a relief to meet another guy! I was scared stiff to walk alone through the cemetery.”
“I used to be afraid too when I was alive.”
FORCE OF HABIT
The passenger in the taxicab wanted to light a cigarette when he noticed that he had no matches. At a traffic-light he leaned forward and tapped the driver’s shoulder:
“Do you mind if I light up?’
The driver shrieked and turned around with an ashen face. The passenger was embarrassed:
“Excuse me for giving you a shock. I only wanted to ask you for a light.”
“It’s really not your fault sir, but I’m replacing the regular driver only temporarily. usually I drive a hearse.”
IN THE MIDDLE EAST
THE SPY
The USSR used to plant “moles” in Western countries. These KGB operatives were told to find themselves civilian jobs, establish families and take up hobbies, so as to blend completely into their host society. Many years later, when somebody above suspicion was needed in that particular country, the operator would be activated.
During one of the big waves of new immigrants immigrating to Israel, a mole was sent along. Twenty years later, the local KGB man - masquerading as a TASS correspondent - was told to activate the mole. All he knew was the man’s address, that his name is Cohen and that he is married with two children.
When the operative arrived at the given address, he found to his surprise that there are four Cohens living in the big apartment house. Luckily enough, a child was playing downstairs and he immediately asked:
“Who are you looking for, Uncle?”
“Do you know Cohen?” - asked the KGB man. “He has two young children.”
“Of course. I know everybody in this house,” - protested the boy. “There is Moishe Cohen the banker, but he is a pensioner and his children are grown-up. Abraham Cohen, the painter has no children; then there is David Cohen, the hairdresser, but he is not married, so you are probably looking for Yitzhak Cohen, the spy. He lives on the 3rd floor, Apartment 34.”
NOT TO WORRY
The new era of technical progress had finally dawned at the Israeli border settlement. It was hoped that with the purchase of the very last word in milking equipment, many man-hours would be saved and the supply of milk would increase. Eli, in charge of the cow stables, received the shipment and as he was unpacking it, he had a sudden idea:
“Perhaps it would be best, if I first tried out the machine on myself.”
As advertised, the milking machine was user-friendly, easy to set up and as soon as it was attached, it started sucking and massaging gently. After a while, when he achieved satisfaction with the product, Eli reached out and attempted to switch it off. To his great surprise, he could find no “ON/OFF” switch. The constant sucking started becoming uncomfortable and even painful. With great effort, he dragged himself over with all the attachments to the phone and dialed the importer’s number. The technical representative’s answer was really comforting:
“Don’t worry, sir! Our machine is completely automatic and is guaranteed to shut itself off after 3 liters.”
NOMEN EST OMEN (The Middle East version)
For the inhabitants of a small, constricted country, the call of the open spaces has a special charm. Five Israelis decided to make a trip to the Sinai Desert. They all piled into a Renault car and drove south until they reached the Egyptian Border. They presented their passports, with visas duly stamped and expected to be waved on. Instead, the border guard bent down to the car window and in a stern voice said:
“One of you will have to get out!”
“But why?” - wondered the tourists.
“There are five of you in a Renault 4, that’s one too many.”
The Israelis could not manage to convince the guard that the name of the car has no connection to the number passengers permitted to ride in it. Even the insurance policy, which stated “carries five passengers”, did not make him change his mind. In the end the Israelis asked:
“May we speak with your superior officer?”
“You may not. He is having an argument with a couple who arrived in a Fiat Uno.”
NOMEN EST OMEN (The European version)
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrived at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stopped them and told them:
"It's a illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" - asked the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" - replied the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", - the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", - replied the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea peopleina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law".
The German driver replied angrily:
"You idiot! Call your supervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry", - responded the Italian official, - "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
APPEARANCES MISLEAD
Tel Aviv doesn’t have a Mètro, but it does have underground toilets, whose entrances somewhat resemble the Mètro entrance in Paris. A French tourist visiting Israel, was wondering about one of these entrances and asked a guy just coming up the stairs:
“Mètro?”
“No, only half a Mètro,” - answered the man morosely and zipped his fly.
MUSICAL GIRL
The young Israeli salesman was posted to the Italian branch of his company. On arrival in Rome, he met a fellow countryman who tried to coach him in the ways of the capital:
“Remember one thing,” - he said, - “everything here is negotiable. There are no fixed prices and after a little bargaining, you end up paying much less than the original price. The above holds true even with presents you buy your girlfriend. Never give her everything she asks for.”
After a few weeks the two bumped into one another again.
“How did you manage?” - asked the more experienced Israeli.
“Just fine. Your advice was sound and I even found myself a girlfriend.”
“And what did you buy her for the Holidays?”
“I bought her a radio-transistor,” - said the novice.
“What on earth gave you the idea to buy her a radio?” - wondered the other.
“At night, when she bought me to her place, she kept whispering: ‘Piano, Piano!’ but I couldn’t very well buy her a piano, could I?”
PUSHY TYPES
After a night of partying, the kibbutz-girl had to get up at 4.30 for the early-morning milking. She was a bit tired and after finishing with two cows, she nodded off. She woke up suddenly and on perceiving the udder hanging before her, exclaimed:
“Boys, boys, one at the time, if you don’t mind!”
ONE-TRACK MIND
Most Israeli children never see snow. The elementary school teacher, wanting somehow to demonstrate this natural phenomenon, prepared a bag with small, white paper pellets and while explaining to her class the differences between the European and Israeli winter, threw them into the air.
“Children, what does this remind you of?” - she asked.
A girl raised her finger.
“Yes, Miriam!” - said the teacher.
“It reminds me of the day, when a pillow-case was torn and the feathers flew all over our house.”
“Very good, but I thought of something slightly different.”
Another girl said that the falling pellets reminded her of falling snow, as she saw in a film.
“Excellent, Tamar!” - commented the teacher and wanted to continue with the lesson, when she noticed yet another raised finger.
“Yes, Moishe’le. What does this remind you of?”
“Of sex,” - said the child.
“Sex?” - wondered the teacher. “How does that come into it?”
“Everything reminds me of sex!”
A WORTHWHILE EFFORT
A religious man came to the police station and lodged a complaint against a girl, living across the street, who undresses every night before the open window, thus disturbing him in his meditations. The man was promised that an investigator would be sent out to visit the scene of the “crime.” One evening, a policeman arrived and asked the complainer to show him the offending window. The man pointed at a certain window in a distant building.
“Excuse me, Sir,” - wondered the officer, - “but one can hardly see that window and even if it could be seen, it would be difficult to distinguish details.”
“Of course,” - replied the man. “If you want to see what is happening in that window, you have to push the table to the furthermost left corner of the bedroom window and use the binoculars I keep in the drawer.”
SHE SHOULD KNOW
At the Israeli border settlement, the furnishings were primitive, to say the least. In the shower-shed, made of galvanized metal, there was a hole in the wall dividing the female shower-booths from the male ones, strategically located so that only the lower part of the body could be seen. From time to time, both sexes used the hole, as circumstances warranted.
One day, just as three female members of the settlement were showering, they heard the door on the other side of the wall open and a lone man came in. That was the opportunity they were waiting for. Each woman took turns bending down to peek through the hole. The first woman commented in a whisper:
“It is not my husband.”
Her companion agreed:
“Of course it is not your husband.”
It was the third woman who clinched the matter:
“He is not from our settlement at all.”
The crucifixion
A group of Israelis took a guided tour through “classic” Europe - England, France, the Benelux countries and Italy. They were in luck and had an excellent guide, who spared no effort in showing them every sight worth seeing, performing his job with such enthusiasm, as though it was the first time he was visiting these places.
At the end of the tour, the bus brought them to Fiumicino Airport, where their plane waited. While the members of the group got out of the bus, the guide stood near the door, with a big smile on his face and somehow radiating expectation. The tourists were generous in their praise, each of them stopped by him, shook his hand and warmly thanked him for his efforts. The guide appreciated the gratitude, but somehow expected a little more than that. The smile slowly froze on his lips.
“Maybe the habit of tipping is unknown in Israel,” - he thought, as he shook another outstretched hand. “Maybe I should have somehow mentioned the fact that our salaries are small and we rely on the tourists’ gratuities to complement it.”
Only one Israeli was left in the bus. He too approached the frustrated guide with an outstretched hand, but all of a sudden - as though he only now remembered it - reached into his pocket and took out a thick envelope.
“We wanted to show you our appreciation of your outstanding performance, so we all pitched in and collected a tidy sum for you. Thank you for a job well done.”
This was a little too much for the guide and he burst out:
“I don’t know, whether or not you really crucified Jesus Christ, but you sure made him sweat!”
ASKING IS LEARNING
On one of his journeys across the desert, the Bedouin took his young son with him, so that he would learn something of the desert lore. As they set off at dawn, the boy asked:
“Tell me Baba, why does the sun rise every day on this side and set on that side?”
The Bedouin scratched his head through his kaffiyeh* and said thoughtfully:
“I truly don’t know. I never really thought of it.”
In the evening they reached an oasis and quenched their thirst from the spring beneath the palms. The inquisitive child had another question:
“Baba, why is it, that everything is dry all around and only here water comes out of the earth?”
“A good question, but I don’t know the answer. It was always like that, even during our ancestors’ days.”
At night, when they the lied under their blankets, the boy looked up at the star-studded sky and wondered aloud:
“Do you know Baba, what the stars are?”
“No, Son,” - replied his father, - “I really have no idea.”
At the end of their journey, the boy said to his parent:
“I hope I did not bother you too much with my questions and that you will take me again.”
“You did not bother me at all,” - replied the Bedouin, - “you should ask questions. How else would you acquire knowledge?”
* Kaffiyeh: A cloth headdress fastened by a band around the crown and usually worn by Arab men.
HAS A SWEET TOOTH
Ahmed had 10 children and a small hut and as much as he liked to sleep-in late, the constant noise made by his high-spirited offspring never let him get a proper rest. One day, he returned home from work totally exhausted and thought he would catch a little shuteye before dinner. Unfortunately he could not fall asleep, because of the squabbling kids and the deafening cacophony emerging from several transistor radios - each of them set to a different station.
There is nothing like being in a desperate situation to make you focus your thoughts. In his dire need for sleep, an idea came to Ahmed, the best he had in years.
“Guys, haven’t you heard,” - he cried out, - “they’re giving away chocolates tonight at the Main Square?”
In two minutes flat, the hut was empty and blessed tranquility reigned all around. As the Main Square was at least 45 minutes walk away, Ahmed calculated that at worst, he would have one-and-half hours of undisturbed rest. He stretched out contentedly, righted his pillow, pulled his blanket over his head and was already half asleep, when a sudden thought brought him wide awake and made him jump out of bed:
“In Allah’s name, I must be the biggest fool in the world! What I am doing at home sleeping, when they are giving away chocolates at the Main Square?”
MADE HIS POINT
At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding the conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Representative. The Israeli began:
“Ladies and gentlemen, before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. As Moses wished to cleanse himself, he went over to the other side of the pond, took of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when he came out of the water, has he discovered that all his clothes have been stolen... I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians were those who stole them.”
Hearing this accusation, Yasser Arafat jumped out of his seat and screamed:
“This is a lie. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!”
“And with that in mind” – said the Israeli Representative, – “let me begin my speech...”
LET HER WORRY
A young German blond lady, bursting with vitality, was touring Israel. She passed by a farm and took a fancy to the two brown-skinned, muscled, well-proportioned Yemenite youths working on the fields. She stopped her car and asked them if there is a place nearby where they can be alone. The young men immediately understood her intentions - after all, even country lads are not made of wood - and took her to a nearby shed. They all undressed, but before any action could be initiated, the girl took a box of prophylactics from her purse and asked:
“Do you know what these are?”
“No, we don’t,” - said both youths in unison.
“You put them on, so I won’t become pregnant.”
They did as told and the rest of the meeting evolved to the mutual satisfaction of all parties involved. The tourist thanked the boys, gave them her card - in case they are ever in Germany - kissed them good-bye and went on her way.
Two days passed. The youths were again busy in the field, when one of them suddenly asked:
“Tell me, would you mind if that blonde shiksa* had any children?”
“No, not at all,” - replied his pal.
“Then let’s take this thing off. I’m dying to have a piss.”
* Shiksa: A Non–Jewish girl, or woman.
REFORMIST HAVEN
A tourist, map in hand, stopped a passerby in Netanyah.
“Excuse me, where is the nearest Catholic Church?”
“There are no Catholic churches in Netanyah” (a town inhabited by Jews only), – answered the man.
“They must all be Protestants here,” – murmured the tourist to himself.
TAKING NO CHANCES
A guy went on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Suddenly the mother-in-law died. They went to a local undertaker, who explained that they could ship the body home, but that would cost over $5000, whereas they could bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy said: "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asked: "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
The guy said: "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.”
SHAMING HIS PARENTS
An Arab Emir’s son was sent to study in Germany. After about a month, he wrote a letter to his parents, in which he described Berlin in glowing words, praised the studies and told them about his new friends. At the end of the letter, he added:
“There is only one thing that causes me a certain degree of embarrassment, I get to the Uni in my golden Mercedes, but the faculty arrives in the Metro”.
No more than ten day later, his parents replied:
“Our darling son, in the envelope you will find a check in the amount of million Euros. Please do not put us to shame, buy yourself a Metro.”
Brief one:
* Complained the Middle East dictator:
“Why is it said that I am surrounded by ‘Yes-men’. When I say ‘NO’, everybody else says ‘NO’.”
INDIANS
JOHN WAYNE
An Indian from the nearby reservation came to the trading post for his monthly shopping. When he inquired what kind of toilet paper they have, the trader answered that they stock three different kinds:
“The best quality is called 'Plushy Velvet' and it costs $15 per package.”
“That is too expensive for me,” - said the Indian.
“Maybe you prefer our medium quality 'Silky Soft' at $12?”
“Don’t you have anything cheaper?”
“Then take this package which costs only $10.”
“What is its name?” - asked the Indian.
“It has no name,” - replied the merchant.
After a few weeks the Indian returned to the trading post.
“By the way,” - he remarked while looking through the merchandise, - “I found a name for your cheap toilet paper. I would call it John Wayne.”
“What a funny idea,” - wondered the trader. “Why John Wayne?”
“It is rough, tough and takes no shit from Indians.”
THE GIRL AND THE INDIAN
The shapely city girl was driving in the desert when the car ran out of fuel. Luckily an Indian just rode by and he offered to give her a ride on his mount to the nearest gas station. Every few minutes the Indian let out a tremendous huuu. When they reached their destination, the girl dismounted and the Indian, after letting out another tremendous yoo-hoo, rode away.
“My God!” - said the gas station attendant. “What did you do to that Indian that he shouted so mightily?”
“Nothing that I know of,” - answered the girl. “With one hand I embraced his waist and with the other held on to his saddle’s horn.”
“My dear lady, Indians don’t use saddles.”
TOTAL RECALL
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the local Hilton and as he paid his bill asked the manager:
“By the way, what's with that Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived.”
“Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me-Not',” - said the manager. “The hotel is built on an Indian reservation and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me-Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life.”
The travel writer took this in and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
“'ello, mate!” - said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. “What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?”
“Eggs,” - was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the East Coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me-Not's great memory. One local remarked to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'ello mate'. On his return to the Hilton six months later he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me-Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
“How?” - said the Aussie.
“Scrambled,” - said the Chief.
MATHEMATICALLY MINDED
In the Mohawk tribe, three pregnant women gave birth on the same day. The one who slept on horsehide gave birth to a boy; the second who slept on buffalo hide gave birth to a girl and the third who slept on a mattress made of hippopotamus hide, had twins. The young chief, who has just majored in math, described the event as follows:
“The squaw of hippopotamus is equal to the sum of squaws of the other two hides.”
THOSE KIDS
A group of Indians was chatting before a teepee. A child started to fiddle with the fire. His father smacked him good-naturedly:
“How many times did I tell you not to play with the phone?!”
LAWYERS
MISTAKEN IDENTITY
At a conference, a US lawyer befriended a Czech colleague and invited him to the States. The Czech’s visit started with some of the more famous sights and during the weekend the American took him to the Rocky Mountains. The two lawyers hiked all day and in the evening, after barbecuing some sausages at the campfire, crawled into their sleeping bags and fell into an exhausted sleep. At night, drawn by the lingering smell of their meal, a bear came investigating and as he did not find any sausages, he ate the Czech. His host woke up at the very last moment and saved his own life by climbing a nearby tree. He spent most of the night in the tree, waiting until the bear finally lumbered off. Panic-stricken, the American ran through the forest, until he encountered a ranger and told him his story. Together, they followed the bear’s tracks, which led them to a cave. Awakened by the human voices, out came two huge bears.
“Which one ate your friend, the female, or the male?” - asked the ranger.
The lawyer hesitated and then pointed at the male. The ranger shot the bear and let his mate run away. They cut open the animal’s belly, but found no traces of human remains. Which just shows you that if ever a lawyer tells you that the Czech is in the male, don’t believe him.
SALES PITCH
A lawyer’s wife died. At the cemetery, people were appalled to see that the tombstone read:
“Here lies Phyllis, wife of Will T. Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.”
Suddenly, Murray burst into tears. A friend said:
“You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!”
Through his tears, Murray croaked:
“You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!”
RAT RACE
A tourist wandered into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovered a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture was so interesting and unique that he picked it up and asked the shop owner what it costs.
“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” - said the shop owner, - “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”
“You can keep the story, old man,” - he replied, - “but I'll take the rat.”
The transaction complete, the tourist left the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crossed the street in front of the store, two live rats emerged from a sewer drain and fell into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he began to walk faster, but every time he passed another sewer drain, more rats came out and followed him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats were at his heels and people began to point and shout. He walked even faster and soon broke into a trot as multitudes of rats swarmed from sewers, basements, vacant lots and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands were at his heels and as he saw the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panicked and started to run full tilt. No matter how fast he ran, the rats kept up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he came rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long was behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumped up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurled the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he could heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watched in amazement as the seething tide of rats surged over the breakwater into the sea, where they drowned.
Shaken and mumbling, he made his way back to the antique shop.
“Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story,” - said the owner.
“No,” - said the tourist, - “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.”
BIRDS OF FEATHER
A man walked into a bar. He saw a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walked up behind her and said:
"Hi there good looking, how's it going?”
She turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eyes and said:
"Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it. And, always want more."
He said:
"No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
STATE-OF-ART
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene...
NO SCRUPLES
A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defended a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping and selling arms.
As he was leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabbed him by the arm:
“Young man, where are your scruples? Isn’t there anyone too low for you to defend?”
“I don’t know,” – Ernie said. “What have you done?”
LETTER OF THE LAW
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them:
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged and then exchanged sandwiches.
GOOD ADVICE
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer:
“If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” - said the lawyer.
“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”
“Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer:
“Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!”
“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”
“But I did send them.”
“What?? You did???”
“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”
“I don’t understand,” - said the lawyer.
“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”
VERY FAIR
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," - the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," - the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
REALLY GENEROUS
The UJF (United Jewish Fund) realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his elegant office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying:
"Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to Israel. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the UJF?"
The lawyer thought for a minute and said:
"First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the UJF rep mumbled:
"Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," - said the lawyer, - "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken UJF rep began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said:
"I'm sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer said:
"So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
DIVORCE ATTORNEY
A father walked into a bookstore with his young son. The boy was holding a penny. Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy has swallowed the quarter and started panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit was sitting at a coffee bar in the store reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper, placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the penny, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the coin to the father and walked back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he was sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying:
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No", - the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
SCREW
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree:
"Wow, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said:
"You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring, or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other:
"You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.... So .... do you think we should ... well .... you know ...... screw her?"
"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.
Brief notes:
* Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer.
* Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
* Question:
“How do you know, that a lawyer is lying?”
Answer:
“His lips are moving.”
* Question:
“Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?”
Answer:
“Professional courtesy.”
* Yesterday it was so cold that a lawyer put his hands in his own pocket:
LOONIES
NO FOOL IS HE
On a highway located near a hospital for the insane, a car had a flat tire. One of the inmates came to the fence and watched the driver, attempting to unlock the screws of the tire - to no avail.
“Try unscrewing them anti-clockwise,” – he suggested.
The motorist acted on his advice and indeed, the screws opened easily.
“How did you know?” – wondered the driver.
“Look sir, I may be crazy, but I am no fool!”
SILLY QUESTION
An inmate of the hospital for the mentally ill sat at a table and wrote.
“What are you writing?” – asked a passing attendant.
“A letter.”
“To whom?”
“To myself.”
“And what is in the letter?”
“How am I to know if I haven’t received it yet.”
ANSWERING SERVICE
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute:
“Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press & press & press and finally bash; no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969969696969696969696696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia: Press 8, state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name, if you can remember which number is 8.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
If you have low self-esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
NUCLEAR ARSENAL
On New Year’s Eve, the inmates of the loony bin put on a show. The first to appear on the stage, a heavyset, huge man, clad only in his briefs, flexed his mighty muscles and declared:
“I am a hydrogen bomb!”
Everybody clapped his hands. Next to come on stage was a thin, paltry fellow, stark naked, who shouted in a thin, reedy voice:
“I am an atomic bomb.”
Most of the audience got on its feet and in sheer panic escaped from the auditorium. A visitor managed to stop one of them and curiously inquired:
“A hydrogen bomb is much mightier, than an atomic bomb. Why did you run only when the second man appeared on stage?”
“Did you see how short his fuse was?” – answered the inmate and went on running.
Three variations on the same joke. Can you tell who is the one who is really nuts?
FISHY STORY
A wife complained to her friend:
“My husband sits all day long in the bathroom tub and fishes.”
“Have you taken him to see a psychiatrist?”
“Not yet…the truth is, I’m crazy about fish.”
LIGHTING FIXTURE
“Doctor, my husband has a fixed idea that he is a lamp.”
“That is really a harmless eccentricity.”
‘Yes, but I cannot sleep when the light is on.”
THE EGG AND THE CHICKEN
Psychiatrist: “What is wrong with your brother?”
Sister: “He thinks he’s a chicken.”
Psychiatrist: “How long has be been acting like a chicken?”
Sister: “For three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.”
DOG’S LIFE
“Where have you been?” - a man asked his friend.
“To tell you the truth, I was hospitalized in the psychiatric department.”
“What was wrong with you?”
“I had a fixed idea that I am a dog.”
“And did they cure you?”
“Oh yes. Just feel how cool my nose is.”
FUNNY, ISN’T?
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. Finally he decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he too put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. He turned to the patient and said:
“I don't hear anything.”
The mental patient said:
“Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!”
MALE CHAUVINISTS
INSATIABLE
The young and horny construction worker was busy at his job, but not that busy that he did not notice the scantily dressed stunner passing. In fact, he got so excited by her half-hidden, half-revealed beauties that he had to jack off right there. After a while the dreamboat passed by again. The worker could not restrain himself and jerked off again. A few minutes later, the knockout appeared on the street again and the man on the scaffolding masturbated once more. Not a half-an-hour had passed and there she was again. This was a little too much for our guy:
“Is she a nymphomaniac,” – he wondered, – “or what?”
tall story
A cruise-ship in the Caribbean had sunk and the only survivors, who managed to reach an uninhabited island, were Sharon Stone and an uncouth sailor. The place was a paradise, the weather uniformly pleasant, there was plenty of fruit, but nothing much to do. In spite of the differences between them, after a while they just naturally settled down to a regular routine of sex.
After about a week, the sailor asked Sharon to wear his clothes. The actress agreed. After another week he asked her to paint herself a mustache and beard with some soot. To Sharon the request seemed a little queer, but again she agreed. After one more week the sailor asked Sharon if from now on he can call her Joe. When she complied with her mate’s request, the sailor put his hand around her shoulder, took her aside and whispered into her ear:
“Joe, you are not going to believe this, but for three weeks running now I’ve been fucking Sharon Stone.”
TYPE CASTING
The plane was just over the Rockies when the dramatic announcement came over the public address system:
“I regret to inform you, but we have lost control over the aircraft and are going to crash.”
Pandemonium broke out among the passengers. A young woman tore off her clothing and shrieked:
“Let some man make me feel that I’m a woman for the last time.”
At that a man tore off his shirt and threw it at the woman:
“Here, iron it!”
OCCUPATIONAL FATIGUE
“Doctor, I’m tired all the time.”
“How many times do you have intercourse with your wife?”
“Three times, sometimes even four times.”
“Weekly?”
“No, daily.”
“Do you have a girl friend?”
“Of course, doctor.”
“And how many times do you make out with her?”
“Six-seven times.”
“Weekly?”
“No, daily.”
“Then sir, it is due to your exaggerated sexual life that you are exhausted.”
“Thank God, I was afraid that it was because of me masturbating”
BRANDED FOR LIFE
A couple celebrated their 10th anniversary. The husband had a request from his wife:
“You know, we have been married now for 10 years, but you never have satisfied me orally.”
“Stop right there!” – exclaimed the wife. “I would never do such a disgusting thing.”
15 years passed. At their silver anniversary the husband came up with his wish again and once more was firmly rebuffed.
25 years passed. At the couple’s golden anniversary, the husband, rather timidly, mentioned his request again. This time the wife thought about it and decided, that after all they had been married for 50 years and she could try it once. So she knelt down before her husband, opened his fly and took his member into her mouth. At that moment the phone rang. The husband answered it and then passed the receiver to his wife:
“It is you they want, you fellating slut!”
UNNATURAL ACT
Two men met on the street. One seemed to be in a big hurry. Asked the other one:
“What is the rush, old buddy?”
“I must hurry home to cook dinner.”
“Is your wife sick?”
“No, she’s hungry.”
THE GOOd SAMARITAN
The giant lorry stopped with screeching brakes near the homely hitchhiker. The driver said condescendingly:
“Get in lass! I’m not a chauvinistic pig like the other drivers who only stop for pretty girls.”
CONDOLENCES
“Do you have prophylactics other than white ones?” - the customer asked the pharmacist.
“We have them in various colors.”
“Then please give me a pack of black ones, I’m going to pay my condolences to my friend’s widow.”
POOR PERFORMANCE
It is said that oysters increase masculine vigor. A man seen in a restaurant with his girlfriend was polishing off a plate of these mollusks. When asked by his friends the next morning if the oysters enhanced his performance, his answer was:
“Three of the damn things did not work!”
THE STORY OF CREATION
The priest related the story of the creation:
“On the first day God separated the light from the darkness, on the second day the land was separated from the waters. On the third day the Almighty created the plants, on the fourth day the celestial bodies. On the fifth day He breathed life into the animals and on the sixth day he created the man and finally the woman.”
Here the priest paused for a while and then added:
“But by then God was clearly showing some signs of fatigue.”
IT’S A NATURAL PHENOMENON
The well-endowed youth was very proud of his prodigious equipment. One sultry summer day early morning, he passed by a lake and felt very much like taking a swim. He did not have a bathing suit, but since no one was around, he quickly undressed and went skinny-dipping. The water was so cool and refreshing that he forgot himself and when he came out of the lake, other people were already on the shore.
A passerby stopped, stared in wonder and then started sniggering at the slowly emerging youth’s male organ, which seemed to be of infinite length. Only when the water reached the bather’s knees, came its tip finally into sight. The man reacted angrily at the ridicule of the onlookers:
“You ignoramuses, don’t you know it shrinks in cold water?”
MANPOWER PROBLEM
A young executive was looking for a secretary. About 20 girls answered the ad, but after a thorough screening process, only three applicants were left. The executive found it difficult to choose, as all three were equally proficient at their jobs. In the end he decided to test them. He gave each of the prospective secretaries $500 and told them they had complete freedom in deciding how to spend the money.
After a week he called the three and asked them what they did with the $500.
The first said that she went on a shopping spree and blew it all in one day.
The second put the sum in a savings account.
The third invested the money in shares and made a profit of $200 in one week.
Question: “Which of the applicants got the job?”
Answer: “The one with the big tits.”
PERFECT MATCH
Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She had a hard time meeting men and the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper. She wrote:
“Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me and is excellent in bed.”
Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then one day, as she was doing her laundry, she heard a knock on the door. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
“May I help you?” - she asked.
“I am the man of your dreams!” - said the man.
Completely baffled, she said:
“Excuse me?”
“I read your ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms so I can't beat you. I have no legs so I can never leave you.”
“But are you good in bed?” - she asked.
He replied:
“How do you think I knocked on the door?!”
WHO’ LL TELL?
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.
“But wait a minute,” – said the listener, – “she'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?”
“Sure,” – replied the man.
“Well, won't they find out?”
The man shrugged:
“Of course they'll, but who'll tell?”
It's all right honey!
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside and said:
“It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid.”
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said:
“When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here.”
A GOOD IDEA
Asked St. Peter of God:
“Almighty Creator, what is your opinion with regards to smart women?”
“Smart women? Hmmm, not a bad idea.”
LOSS OF CONTROL
A man complained:
“I lost control of my car yesterday.”
“How did it happen?”
“My wife got her driver’s license.”
NO OFFENsE MEANT
“I have never encountered such impudence! I’m telling you that my wife is expecting a child and you are asking me from whom?”
“All right, take it easy. I thought you knew who the father is.”
nice trY
A man made a suggestion to his wife:
“Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?”
His wife responded with:
“Yes, I would really like that. Tonight, you stand by the ironing board and I'll lay on the couch and watch TV.”
SOMETHING GOOD
After twenty years of married life, the husband was quite indifferent to the pleasures of marital life. Though he dutifully executed his conjugal obligations once in a week, he never showed great enthusiasm. Not with his wife, anyway. So when one night she felt her spouse move around during the act, she was pleasantly surprised and exclaimed:
“So there is something good in me, after all.”
“There is,” – answered the husband morosely, – “but I am going to pull it out soon.”
NASTY HABIT
“What nasty habits women have! My wife stays up every night until dawn breaks.”
“And why is she doing it?”
“She is waiting for me to get home.”
LIFESAVER
“Today my wife saved many lives.”
“How did she do it?”
“She couldn’t start the car this morning.”
QUID FOR QUO
One morning while she was making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said:
“You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle”.
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought better and didn't reply. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said:
“You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra”.
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place, she said:
“You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your brother”.
TASTES VARY
An escaped convict, imprisoned for first-degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple that had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible, the husband made his way across the room, his chair in tow, to his voluptuous, young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered:
“Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him, or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you.”
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the wife hissed:
“Dear, I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right, he hasn’t seen a woman in >years, but he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too.”
WOODPECKERS
A Georgia woodpecker and a Kentucky woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees. The Georgia woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Kentucky woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Georgia woodpecker was in awe.
The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable. The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Kentucky woodpecker was able to peck the Georgia tree and the Georgia Woodpecker was able to peck the Kentucky tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
“Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.”
CALLER QUESTION
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked:
"Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded:
"To avoid criticism."
Wrong sex
This boy came home from school one day and said to his mother:
“I had sex with my teacher today.”
His mother sent him to his room and said:
“Your father will talk to you when he gets home.”
So the Dad walked in and said:
“I know I’m supposed to be mad at you and all, but I’m actually proud. Some people never even have sex and you’re only 14! I’m gonna buy you the best bicycle there is.”
So he took him to a toy store and bought him the best bike he could find. When they were walking home, the Dad asked:
“Aren’t you going to ride your bike?”
The Kid replied:
“No, my ass still hurts.”
TWO SONS
A very ugly woman walked into a shop with her two sons. A man asked her:
"Are they twins?"
Puzzled the woman replied:
"No, one is 3 years old and the other is 10. Why do you ask?"
The man replied:
"No particular reason, I just can't believe someone fucked you twice"
INTELLIGENCE
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied.
"Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
SEX SURVEY
5,000 Jewish men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about 'Oral Sex':
3% liked the warmth
4% enjoyed the sensation
93% appreciated the silence
Brief Notes:
* “Last week scientists in the US revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.”
* Question:
“What do you say to a woman with two shiners?”
Answer:
“Nothing. You already told it to her twice.”
* Question:
“What is the basic difference between man and woman?”
Answer:
“The man was brought down from the tree by evolution, whereas the woman by gravity.”
* Question:
“What is the advantage of being pregnant?”
Answer:
“The swinging door does not hit you on the nose.”
* When a woman is silent, then for God’s sake don’t interrupt her.
* “My wife is so infantile. Last night, when I took a bath, she came in and sunk all my paper boats.”
* Question:
“Why do women marry?”
Answer:
“Because the vibrator cannot cut the grass.”
* Question:
“Why are condoms not manufactured in black?
Answer:
“Black makes everything look slimmer.”
* Question:
“How are women and rocks alike?”
Answer:
“You skip the flat ones.”
MARITAL BLISS
MASTER OF THE HOUSE
A woman, proud of the way her husband fulfills her every wish, invited her best friend to her house, for a demonstration.
As soon as the two were seated, she called out:
“Honey, would you bring Betty and me some coffee and biscuits.”
Without a word, her husband laid down his paper, shuffled out into the kitchen and a few minutes later came back, carrying a tray with refreshments. But his wife had additional instructions for him:
“Be a dear and take the dog out for a walk. You know that you both need the exercise. At the same opportunity, you could also carry out the garbage and check if there is anything in our mailbox.”
Silently, the well-trained man carried out his assignments. When at last he returned and was about to resume his reading, his spouse played her trump card and commanded:
“Now go and sit under the table.”
Obediently, her husband got down on fours and crawled to his assigned position.
Acknowledging her friend’s admiring glance, the woman at last relented and in a pacifying tone told her mate:
“You may come out again, sweetheart!”
But the man did not budge.
“What is the matter with you Max?” - wondered his sidekick. “Why don’t you come out?”
Proudly the man responded from his perch under the table:
“I want to show you once and for all who is the master of the house!”
SUSPICIOUS SPOUSE
“Municipality,” – said the receptionist on the phone and when nobody answered, once again: “Municipality.”
After the third repetition the hesitant voice of a woman was heard:
“Is this really the Municipality?”
“Of course. To whom do you wish to speak?”
“To no one in particular. I found this number in my husband’s pocket and just wanted to find out whose phone number it is.”
IT’S YOU THEY WANT
In the middle of night a knock was heard on the door of a luxurious villa. The master-of-the-house went sleepily to the door and asked:
“Who is it?”
“It is the Boston Strangler,” – said a hoarse voice from outside. The man turned back to the bedroom:
“Sweetheart, it’s you they are looking for.”
THE EXCEPTION
“You know, it’s very difficult to find a suitable wife. There are quite a few willing girls, but my mother doesn’t like any of them.”
“None of them?”
“Except for one girl. She liked her very much, because she looked exactly like her.”
“So why didn’t you marry her?”
“My father hated her looks.”
CONSIDERATE FELLOW
Jones accompanied Smith to the railway station. Smith said his farewells:
“Thank you for everything, I had a wonderful weekend, your wife was very sweet, we had some heavenly fucks.”
As the train departed, his neighbor in the compartment asked Smith:
“I beg your pardon, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. Did you actually thank your friend for having had good sex with his wife?”
“To tell you the unvarnished, absolute truth, it wasn’t good at all. But Jones is such a touchy fellow, I didn’t want to offend him.”
HOME, SWEET HOME
John was quite drunk when he at last managed to drag himself out of the pub. Taking his first steps on the dark street, he lurched against a corpulent female. The woman reacted angrily to this sudden onslaught and slapped him mightily. John looked around wonderingly:
“This time I made it home real quick.”
REST AREA
Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip, the tired executive was shocked to discover his wife in bed with his next-door neighbor.
“Since you are in bed with my wife,” – the furious man shouted, – “I'm going over and sleep with yours!”
“Go right ahead,” – was the reply. “The rest will do you good.”
Nothing to wear
Tom came home early from work and found his wife walking about stark naked in the room.
“Why are you naked?”
“Why, why, because I’ve got nothing to wear.”
Tom went angrily to the wardrobe, opened it and started counting:
“Nothing to wear? Look, this is a dress, this is a dress, Hi John, this is a dress …”
THIEF IN THE HOUSE
A fella was saying to his friend:
“My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to guard them! In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!”
FAIRY TALES
The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
“Mommy,” – asked the child, – “do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once Upon a Time...?’”
“No, dearest,” - replied the mother, – “sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight . . .’”
FLIP-FLOP
“My husband flips a coin every night, so he can decide whether to go to the pub, or not. If it comes up heads, he goes.”
“And if it comes up tails?”
“Then he flips it again.
YES, DEAR
The husband looked up from his newspaper:
“Did you say anything sweetie?”
“I did, but that was yesterday.”
FALSE SECURITY
The young woman sported a huge shiner when she came to work Monday morning.
“Who gave you that black eye?” - sympathized her colleagues.
“My husband.”
“But he was away for a week.”
“That’s what I thought too.”
PERFECT MATCH
A woman was having an affair with her husband’s best friend. One afternoon, when the husband was at his office, they met at her apartment. Just when they relaxed following a steamy session, the phone rang. The wife picked up the phone and after a short conversation, put it back in its cradle and started laughing.
“It was my husband,” – she giggled.
“And what is so funny about that?” – asked her lover.
“He said, that he is playing tennis with you.”
LIVING ON A PITTANCE
A young man asked his girlfriend to marry him. As the man had no work, nor did he have a profession, the prospective bride asked:
“Tell me, if I do become your wife, what will we live on?”
“On love,” – answered the bridegroom to be, only half in jest.
She must have loved him very much, because she married him anyway. Some days after their wedding, the husband came home and saw his wife, stark naked, sitting on the kitchen stove.
“For Heavens’ sake,” – asked the astonished man, – “what are you doing?”
“Warming our dinner.”
A THOUGHTFUL PERSON
The wife welcomed her husband triumphantly:
“I managed to get you some excellent medication against hair-loss, my dear.”
“But sweetie, my hair isn’t falling out.”
“It’s not for you, but for that blonde floozy whose hair I have to brush off your jacket every day.”
A DIFFERENT TYPE OF ACCIDENT
An injured man was brought to the hospital emergency ward. The nurse entering his personal data into the computer asked:
“Are you married?”
“Yes, but it was a car that hit me.”
UNBEARABLE LOSS
After placing some flowers on his mother’s grave the man started walking back to the cemetery gate, where he has left his car. On the way, he noticed a man kneeling before one of the graves, praying with devotion:
“Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?”
Our man went over to the mourner and addressed him:
“Sir, I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I must tell you that I’ve never seen such immense pain as you exhibited in your prayers. Whom are you mourning so deeply? A child? Your parents? May I respectfully inquire who is it who is buried here?”
The mourner raised his tear-speckled face and in a broken voice answered:
“My wife’s first husband. Oh, why did he have to die, why, why?”
WAITING FOR THE BUS
The cupboard door at the Smith’s house had a maddening habit of opening by itself. Mrs. Smith had it repaired twice, but it kept opening. One day she noticed that it opened only when the No. 5 bus passed before their house. When she told the carpenter of her observation, he looked skeptical:
“Lady, I do not doubt your words,” – he said, – “but I want to see this occurrence with my own eyes.”
He stepped into the cupboard, closed the door behind him and waited for the bus to pass. Just then, Mr. Smith returned from work and before his wife could utter a word, went to the cupboard to hang his coat. He opened the door and to his surprise found a stranger inside.
“What are you doing here?” – exclaimed the husband.
“If I told you that I’m waiting for the No. 5 Bus, would you believe me?”
AT THE BOOKSHOP
“Do you have the book “Household Chores for the Husband?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t stock fairy tales.”
UNREASONABLE DEMAND
“I heard that you and your wife quarreled, what happened?”
“We could not agree about our summer holidays.”
“How come?”
“I decided to go to the Canary Islands and she insisted on coming with me.”
EASY WORK, GOOD PAY
It was a quiet evening at the Jones’s. The wife was doing her needlework, the husband reading his newspaper, when suddenly Jones spoke up:
“It says here in the paper that there are not enough males in Sweden and some ladies pay men $100 just for spending one night with them. Maybe I should emigrate there.”
“Yes, maybe you should,” – said Mrs. Jones, never dropping an eye, – “but could you survive on $100 a month?”
THE SECRET
“What is the secret of a good marriage?”
“My wife and I agreed that we’ll dine twice weekly at some quiet little place. Candlelight, soft music, a few turns on the dance-floor… She is goes every Wednesday, I go every Friday.”
FAIR PLAY
“Daddy, why is it that the bride and the groom kiss each other after their wedding ceremony?”
“It is like boxers who shake hands before the start of a fight.”
OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND
One office-worker to another:
“Yesterday was our 5th wedding anniversary and I gave my wife an airline ticket to Australia.”
“Really,” – wondered his colleague, – “isn’t that a little extravagant? What gift will you give her for your 25th Anniversary?”
“A return ticket.”
CLASSICAL STORY
Every day, an exhausted Dr. Fraud would arrive home wanting to relax for a while with a quiet piece of music. But a loud blast of offensive pop music from the neighboring apartment would completely drown out the delicate strains of the classical piece. One day he had had enough. He knocked on his neighbor’s door and asked:
“Do you know who Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is?”
“No I don’t” - answered the surprised man.
“And have you heard of Ludwig van Beethoven?”
Again the man professed his ignorance, but the other one hammered away relentlessly:
“Does the name Felix Bartholdy Mendelsohn mean anything to you?”
“Who are these people?” - asked the neighbor. “Should I know them?”
“Of course you should, you ignoramus. These are people who wrote music, real music and not this caterwauling you make us all listen to.”
The neighbor thought for a while and then he too posed a question:
“Do you know Tom Noggin?”
It was the turn of Dr. Fraud to act surprised:
“Who might he be? Should I know him?”
“Of course you should. He is the man who comes to your house and screws your wife every Wednesday evening when you go to your concerts.”
A REAL TRAGEDY
Two rather drunken men sat at a bar. One of them said:
“Have you heard about the terrible tragedy that happened to Smith?”
“No, I haven’t. What happened to the poor guy?”
“He eloped with my wife.”
PREPOSTEROUS SUGGESTION
A husband and wife were strolling in the park and saw a young man passionately kissing his girlfriend.
“Tell me Pa,” - asked the wife - “how about doing that too?”
“You must be joking! I don’t even know the girl.”
CONNUBIAL STILL LIFE
A businessman and his secretary arrived in London for a convention. As it happens, their reservation was somehow misplaced and they were offered to share the only available room. Take it, or leave it. They took it.
At night when the doctor was already half asleep, he heard his secretary’s voice:
“It is quite chilly, isn’t it? Could you please close the window for me?”
“How would you like to pretend tonight that you are my wife?” - asked the weary doctor.
“Nothing would please me more,” - answered the secretary enthusiastically.
“Fine, then get up and shut the bloody window yourself.”
TRUTH IS GOLDEN
A red Mercedes cruised by just as a man came out of his office. With a screech of the brakes, the car came to a stop and a smashing blonde leaned out of the window and asked provocatively:
“Hurrying home to the little wife? Why not have a cup of coffee with me?”
It was a tiring day and the man felt that having a coffee with the blonde dreamboat, would noticeably raise his spirits, so he hopped into the car and off they went.
Over coffee, the two had a long talk, until the girl suddenly asked:
“Wouldn’t we be more comfy, if we continued our little chat at my place?”
Indeed, they went to her apartment, had a drink, or two, or three and all of a sudden they were in bed together. Much-much later, the man looked at his watch and exclaimed:
“My God! It is 4 o’clock in the morning. I must rush. My wife is probably going mad with worry.”
“What are you going to tell her?” - asked his bed partner.
“Oh, I don’t know,” - the man scratched his head, - “maybe you have a piece of chalk?”
“Of course I do. After all, I am a teacher.”
The man took the chalk, made some marks on his face and forehead and left. At home, he was confronted by his wife who demanded to know where he had been.
“To tell you the complete, unvarnished truth,” - replied her husband - “just as I left the office, a blonde knockout in a foreign-looking car invited me for a coffee. From the coffee shop we continued to her apartment, had a few drinks and somehow found ourselves between the sheets.”
His wife looked at her spouse quizzically and suddenly burst out laughing:
“Come on, the chalk marks on your face give you away. I can see that you just came from the pool-room!”
HE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT HE WAS GETTING INTO
It was pitch dark when a man was flagged down by a female hitchhiker. All he could see was her long, loose hair and her provocatively half-open blouse. He took her on board and at the next curve “inadvertently” leaned against her. She did not draw away, so he stopped the car at a conveniently secluded place, kissed her, received a fervent response and soon they were both merrily engaged in making, what euphemistically is called “love.” All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window and a flashlight shone through the car window. The cop could hardly contain himself:
“Don’t you know there is a law against engaging in immoral acts in public places!”
“But Officer,” - protested the man, - “this is my wife who is with me in the car.”
“I am sorry,” - answered the policeman, - “I did not know this was your wife.”
“Neither did I, until you switched on your flashlight.”
FITS THE BILL
Waiter: “What can I get you sir?”
Guest: “Anything that’s big, cold and has a lot of gin in it.”
Waiter: “Then let me introduce you to my wife.”
SLOW ON THE UPTAKE
The promiscuous wife was in bed with her paramour, when they heard the key turn in the entrance door. In complete panic, the man jumped out of bed and escaped to the balcony. Soon the husband came in and upon finding his wife in bed, asked her, if she was unwell. She was about to say that she was merely feeling lazy, but before she could speak, her husband stepped out to the balcony and to his surprise, encountered a bare-assed stranger there.
It was her lover who saved the day. He told the husband that he had spent the afternoon with the wife of their neighbor one floor up and when her husband arrived home unexpectedly, was forced to find safety on their balcony. It is marvelous how the solidarity of males is aroused in these situations. The husband smiled understandingly, lent the shivering guy some clothes and even invited him in for a drink. In the evening, as the couple had their dinner, the husband was uncommonly quiet. Suddenly, he got up, went around the table to his spouse, and slapped her face:
“What was that for?” - she gasped.
“I just remembered that we live on the top floor.”
QUALITY WILL COST YOU
An American couple decided to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary in Paris. They arrived in the early afternoon, checked in at the Hilton and while the wife unpacked their suitcases, washed her hair and did a few more chores, the husband took a stroll in Montmartre. It was a hot day, the flight was tiring and soon he felt that he needed a drink. While having a glass of wine at a bistro, he fell to talking to a charming Parisienne. He liked her a lot, she seemed to like him too and the only matter they could not agree on was the price. She asked for 500 francs, he offered 100 francs. No deal was struck and they parted with mutual regret.
In the evening the couple went out for dinner at an expensive restaurant on the Champs Elysées. Suddenly, who does the husband see at one of the tables? His charming conversationalist from the afternoon stroll. She saw him too, gave the wife a cursory look and when the couple passed her table, whispered to the husband:
“You see what you get for 100 francs.”
A PLAUSIBLE STORY
A well-dressed lady, shopping bag in hand, came into an exclusive fashion store on Fifth Avenue. She looked over the dresses, tried on a few blouses and walked out again. At the door, the security-officer asked to see the contents of her bag. Upon finding an expensive blouse in the bag, he asked her to follow him to the office.
When accused by the manager of stealing the blouse, the woman indignantly told him that she bought the blouse at a small shop that very morning and came to the store just to compare prices. Unfortunately, she lost her receipt and could not remember the name of the shop. The manager did not relent - even when the woman disclosed, that she is the wife of a prominent lawyer and threatened that if they did not drop this ridiculous accusation, her husband would file suit against the store. At the last minute, just as the manager reached for the phone to call the police, the woman remembered the name of the shop.
They phoned the shop and luckily enough, the manager remembered that particular purchase and thus the accused woman was given a clean slate. Both the store manager and security-officer apologized profusely and in compensation for the embarrassment, offered the lady a free blouse of her choice. But now it was the woman’s turn to become obstinate. Furious, she proclaimed that unless given a mink coat, her husband would sue the store manager down to his last penny. Faced with that threat, they gave in to her demand.
That was the explanation the woman gave when her husband asked where she got a mink-coat.
IT IS ENTIRELY YOUR CHOICE
During a European tour, an American couple came to a Swiss holiday resort and asked if there were any vacancies. Upon receiving an affirmative answer, the husband wanted to know the price of a room.
“$100 a day,” - replied the clerk at the reception.
The room was spacious and well furnished, the food excellent, the service courteous, the countryside beautiful, so the couple stayed for a week. On the last evening, the husband went down to the reception desk and requested the bill. To his astonishment it came to $1,400. He asked to see the manager:
“I was told that the price would be $100 per day and we stayed for 7 days only,” - he complained
“Yes, but we charge $100 a week for the use of our well-appointed tennis courts,” - replied the manager.
“But it’s the middle of winter, the snow is a meter high and the temperature outside is minus 25(.”
“The management regrets that you found the weather too cold. It is entirely our distinguished guests’ choice, whether they use our facilities, or not. They are there at their disposal,”- continued the manager. “Further, we billed you 100 additional dollars for the use of our Olympic-size swimming pool
“Are you crazy? It is an outdoor pool and it is frozen solid” - protested the tourist.
“Frozen or not, it was there for you to use. Then there is $100 charge per person for a ski-pass”.
Needless to say, it was in vain that the guest pointed out that neither he, nor his wife could ski. The manager summed up:
“And then there is $100 each, for our bobsled course, for the extensive bicycle paths and the well-equipped nursery, which takes care of your offspring, while you enjoy our luxurious facilities. That comes to $1,400 exactly, without service charge.”
The tourist thought for a minute and then wrote out a check. Now it was the manager’s turn to act surprised:
“But this check is for $700 only,” - he stated the obvious.
“Yes, but I charged you $100 a day for fucking my wife.”
“What! That ugly, fat, disgusting old hag?”
“I’m sorry that you did not like my wife, but it was entirely your own choice whether you made use of her services, or not. She was there at your disposal.”
HOMESICK
An American tourist came to a house of ill repute in Paris, put $100 on the table and asked for the oldest, fattest, most ugly and most disgusting woman they have. The Madam was nonplused:
“For $100 Sir, you could have the youngest, prettiest, best looking girl.”
“Madam, you don’t understand,” – explained the American. “It is not as if I was horny. I am just homesick.”
TOTAL COMMITMENT
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These positions are hard to fill and a lot of testing and background checks are involved before one can even be considered for the position. After background checks, training and testing, the possible choices have been narrowed down to two men and a woman. The day came for the final test, to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test, took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances”, – they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The man got a shocked look on his face and said:
“You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!”
“Well,” - said the CIA men, – “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” – they explained. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes and then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.
“I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”
“No,” – the CIA men replied. “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.
“We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for minutes and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said:
“You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”
SMALL WORLD
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf, because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake and rough on the course and didn’t bother to wave the men on, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting, one man said:
“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”
He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, turned around and came back, explaining:
“I can’t do it. One of these women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”
The second man walked towards the ladies, got halfway there and just like his partner, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said:
“Small world!”
GOOD REASON
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.
“I assume, “ – she snarled, – “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?”
“There is,” – he replied, – “breakfast.”
TROPHIES
The big game hunter was showing his guests the trophies mounted on the wall of his den. The heads of a fierce-looking African lion, a Canadian grizzly, a deer with magnificent antlers, a pair of ivory tusks. Suddenly one of the guests pointed at the head of a mustachioed man, mounted there among the stuffed animal heads:
“And who is he?”
“That is Antonio, an Italian singer,” – answered the hunter. “I bagged him in my wife’s bed.”
FITTING PUNISHMENT
A man and his wife were on their way to visit some friends. The woman kept pestering her husband about his driving and warned him that the highway police will stop them. Just as she finished speaking, their car was flagged down by a policeman, who asked for the man’s driver’s license.
“What did I do?” - queried the man.
“You were speeding,” - replied the policeman.
“You see!” - interjected the woman. “How many times do I have to tell you to drive more slowly?”
Without another word, the policeman returned the driver’s papers and waved them on their way.
“Are you letting me go without a fine?” - asked the man incredulously.
“I think that you have been punished enough, my friend,” - said the policeman graciously.
IT’S BETTER TO BE SURE
Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him:
“YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN!”
Adam responded:
“Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth” – and went to sleep. Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve.
“What the heck are you doing?” – he asked.
“I'm counting your ribs,” – she responded.
FIT PRESENT
A fellow said to his buddy:
“I don't know what to buy my wife for her birthday. She already has everything, so I'm really stumped.”
His buddy said:
“I have an idea. Make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!”
The next day his buddy asked:
“Well, did you accept my suggestion? How'd it turn out?”
“She loved it. She thanked me, jumped up, kissed me on the mouth and ran out the door yelling: See you in two hours!”
A POINTED HINT
One evening, a man sitting at the window casually called to his wife:
“There’s that woman the guy next door is in love with!”
His wife dropped the plate she was drying in the kitchen, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase and looked out the window:
“Where? Where?” – she demanded.
“Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress.”
“You idiot! That’s his wife!!!”
“Yes, I know,” – the husband said with a satisfied grin.
MUTUAL DISLIKE
After repeated complaints of pain in her abdomen, the dutiful husband took his wife to a clinic. The internist gave the woman a thorough medical check-up, then with a frown on his face, motioned the husband to the side and whispered to him:
“I don’t like your wife at all.”
“Neither do I,” – whispered the husband back, – “but what can I do? She’s such a good mother to our kids.”
IT IS A FREE COUNTRY
A man and woman entered the restaurant and took seats at one of the empty tables. The man beckoned to the waiter.
“I am quite hungry, so broil me your biggest, thickest, juiciest beef-steak.”
“And what about the Mad Cow?” – asked the waiter.
“The mad cow can order whatever she fancies.”
HOMELIES
Said a man:
“I have a very educated wife. She speaks two foreign languages and reads a lot.”
His pal nodded quietly:
“My wife is ugly too.”
FAMILIAR WITH THE TYPE
An elderly couple was driving cross-country and the woman was driving. She got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said:
“Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?”
The woman turned to her husband and asked:
“What did he say?”
The old man yelled:
“HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.”
The patrolman said:
“May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband and asked:
“What did he say?”
The old man yelled:
“HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.”
The woman gave him her license.
The patrolman said:
“I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex I have ever had.”
The woman turned to her husband and asked:
“What did he say?”
“HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU,” – the old man yelled.
The same
A man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer.
“Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent”.
“One penny?!” - exclaimed the guy.
“Yes”- said the barman.
The guy glanced over at the menu and asked:
“Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?”
“Certainly sir” - replied the bartender, - “but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” - inquired the guy.
“Four cents,” - he answered.
“Four cents?!” - exclaimed the guy. “Where's the guy who owns this place?”
The barman replied:
“Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy said:
“What's he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replied:
“Same as what I'm doing to his business.”
HAPPY DAY
Jim came to work with an unusually radiant face, whistling a cheerful little tune under his breath.
“What is the happy occasion, Jimmy boy?” – queried his co-workers.
“My wife lets me have sex with her only once a year,” – replied Jim, with a big grin across his face.
“What is there to be happy about such deplorable behavior?” – asked one colleague.
“Because today is that day!”
SAME SERVICE
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said:
“When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all-different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”
“Why complain?” – said the counselor. “You're still getting the same service!”
Halloween
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. On the eve of the party, the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. There was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, decided to go the party. Her husband did not know what her costume was, so she thought that she would have some fun by watching him, to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, the husband left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation her mate would make for his behavior. The wife was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.”
Then she asked:
“Did you dance much?”
He replied:
“I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.......”
JOLTED AWAKE
A woman complained to her best friend:
“There is only one thing wrong with my husband. When he comes, he always lets out an earsplitting yell.”
“That’s not so bad,” – answered the friend, – “it would even arouse me.”
“It arouses me too, “ – said the first woman, – “but it also wakes me up.”
ground rules
A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
“I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said:
“No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not.”
NOW SHE HAS NO CHOICE
Undressing at the swimming pool, a woman noticed her friend wearing men’s underwear.
“Since when do you wear boxer shorts?” – she asked.
“Since my husband found them in the glove compartment of my car.”
BLEAK PROSPECTS
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said:
“Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly: Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. “
On the way home, the husband asked his wife:
“What did the doctor say?”
“That you’re going to die,” – she replied.
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
There were several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rang. A man picked it up and the following conversation ensued:
“Hello?”
“Honey, It's me.”
“Sugar!”
“Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
“What's the price?”
“Only $1,500.00”
“Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much.”
“Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Only $60,000.”
“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! But before we hang up, something else...”
“What?”
“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000 ... a magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it...”
“Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
“OK, sweetie ...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!”
“Bye ...I do too...”
The man hanged up, closed the phone's flap and raising his hand while holding the phone asked all those present:
“Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
BEFORE IT STARTS
A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television and told his wife:
“Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighed and got him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he said:
“Get me another beer before it starts.”
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said:
“Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”
The wife was furious. She yelled at him:
“Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . .”
The man sighed and said:
“It’s started.”
STOIC PATIENT
The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.
“No expensive extras, Doctor,” – he ordered. “No gas or needles, or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”
“I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” – said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?”
Mr. Miller turned to his wife:
“Show him your tooth, Honey.”
WILD WEST
A 10-year-old asked the sheriff to quickly come to the saloon, because someone is beating up his Dad. The sheriff came running and saw two men involved in a terrible fight.
“Which one is your father, son?”
“I don’t know. That’s what they’re fighting about.”
NEW EMPLOYEE
The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
“Now do you understand?” – he asked.
“I think so.” – she said. “That is when mommy came to work for us.”
LOVING SPOUSE
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella blown inside out and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker:
“May I have two bagels to go, please?”
The baker said in astonishment:
“Two bagels? Nothing more?”
“That’s right,” – answered the little man. “One for me and one for Bernice.”
“Bernice is your wife?” – asked the baker.
“What do you think,” – snapped the little man, – “my mother would send me out on a night like this?”
BAD LUCK
A woman's husband had been a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. When he finally woke, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health failed you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” – she gently asked smiling, her heart filling with warmth.
“I think you're bad luck.”
FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT
It was Sunday. Most members of the small community attended church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the house of worship. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said:
“Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied:
“Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” – Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t” – said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” – asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” – returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” – persisted Satan.
“Yep,” – was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” – asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked:
“Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied:
“Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
PRIORITIES
A man was in a terrible accident and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for a “small,” $6,500 for a “medium,” and $14,000 for a “large.”
The man was sure he would want a medium, or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite gloom.
“Well, what have the two of you decided?” – asked the doctor.
The man answered:
“She'd rather remodel the kitchen”.
CONCEITED
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asked her husband:
“Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?”
The flattered husband said:
“No, dear they haven't.”
The wife yelled:
“Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?”
BARBERSHOP TRIO
A man stuck his head into a barbershop and asked:
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said:
“About 2 hours.”
The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked:
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around at the shop full of customers and said:
“About 2 hours.”
The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked:
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said:
“About an hour and a half.”
The guy left. The barber looked over at a friend in the shop and said:
“Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asked:
“Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looked up and said:
“To your house to visit your wife.”
BERIBBONED
A couple had a dog that snored. When the woman complained to the vet, he advised her to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
“Yeah right!” – she said.
That night, the husband was out late with his buddies. A few minutes after the wife went to bed, the dog began snoring as usual. The woman tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she went to the closet, grabbed a piece of ribbon and tied it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring. The woman was amazed!
The husband came home late, more than a little tipsy, climbed immediately into bed, fell asleep and began snoring loudly. His wife, again unable to sleep, thought that maybe the ribbon would do the trick on him too. So she went to the closet once again, grabbed a piece of ribbon and tied it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly it also worked on him! At last she could sleep soundly.
The husband awakened from his drunken stupor and stumbled into the bathroom. As he stood in front of the toilet, he glanced in the mirror and saw a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He felt very confused and as he walked back into the bedroom, he saw red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shook his head, looked at the dog and said:
“I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God, we got first and second places.”
ORGANIC vegetables
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said:
“These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”
The produce guy looked at me and said:
“No. You'll have to do that yourself.”
lOTTERY
A woman got home, screeched her car into the driveway, ran into the house, slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs:
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said:
“Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff, or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," – she said. "Just get out!”
making her point
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:
"What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered:
"You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" - was his incredulous reply.
She answered: "Well, today I didn't do it."
BEAUTIFUL
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said:
"You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open again and he said:
"You're cute."
The wife was disappointed, because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked:
"What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied:
"The drugs are wearing off”.
a sweet story
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife:
"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" - asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said,
"You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries, Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do and the only thing that he could think of saying was:
"Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying:
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said:
"Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?..."LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FU**ING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFU**ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
.............and, they lived happily ever after.
Isn't this a sweet story?
a BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" - asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said:
"It's a bottle of wine I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade."
HE SAID – SHE SAID
Priest said: “I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.”
She said: “Who's gonna look?”
((
He said: “Let's go out and have some fun tonight.”
She said: “Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.”
((
He said: “Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?”
She said: “I would, but you said not to call you at work.”
((
He said: “I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.”
She said: “You wear pants don't you?”
((
He said: “.Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”
She said: “That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.”
anatomy class
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman:
"Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?
"Sure" - she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."
MARATHON
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" - she replied. “He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" - one asked.
"Oh yes!" - he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved alongside.
"Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
“Oh, yes" - our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried:
"Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
OR WHAT?
A man told his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician told the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. When the wife came to the doctor’s office, he asked her why she doesn't want to have sex with her husband any more.
"For the last 7 months," – the wife replied, – "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work. I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.'
On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex anymore."
The doctor thought for a second. "So," – he said, – "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Sex in the dark
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights...
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device. A v*i*b*r*a*t*o*r!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent b*a*s*t*a*r*d," - she screamed at him, - "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids".
FISHING
Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy:
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in our house next weekend."
Second guy:
"That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy:
"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him:
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy:
"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block."
do anything you want
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
“Tie me up," - she purred, - "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went golfing.
golfING ACCIDENT
A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruise, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," - said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" - asked the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife:
"Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that!"
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
John asked his wife Mary what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new mink coat?" - he asked.
"Not really," - said Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" – said John.
"No," - she responded.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" - he suggested.
She again rejected his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" - John asked.
"John, I'd like a divorce," - answered Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," said John.
A REAL SWITCH
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender:
"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
“Oh, yeah?" - said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," - Mike replied, - "she came to me on her hands and knees.”
"Really?" - said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said:
"Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit".
PUTTING THINGS BACK IN ORDER
Mary and Joe drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. Joe told Mary to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. Mary returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, Mary dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband Joe who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
BEER, WOMEN AND SEX
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked:
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," - the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" - the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," - the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" - the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" - replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" - the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" - exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," - said the man, - "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded:
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied:
"That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
insomnia
"Listen to me, Mr. Levy," - said the doctor. "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know, but I can't," - said Levy. "My wife refuses to sleep alone."
CURSE
An old man went to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard said:
"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man said without hesitation:
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
ALL-IN-ONE
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" - I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," - he replied. "You'd never get it all in one
MOISHE
A man walked into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said: "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "See-- There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"
Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?”
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me.
Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow."
KITCHEN SEX
Sarah was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. Bert walked in. Sara said:
"I want to make love to you right now."
His eyes lighted up and he thought:
"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, Bert gave it his all on the kitchen table. Afterwards Sarah said: "Thanks!" - and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, Bert asked:
"What was that all about?"
Sarah explained:
"The egg timer's broken."
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him:
"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window and there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
PANCAKES
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared:
"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," - he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," - Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
REAL ASSET
Two Swedes from Wisconsin are sittin' in a boat on Dead Lake, fishing and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden Sven said:
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
Ole sipped his beer and said:
"You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."
born again
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
TOMBSTONE
When her recently deceased husband's will was read, a widow learned he had left the greater part of his fortune to another woman. Furious, she tried to change the inscription on her spouse's tombstone.
"Sorry, lady," - said the stonecutter. "I inscribed "REST IN PEACE" on your orders. I can't change it now."
"Very well," - she said grimly. "Just add 'UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN'."
CANDLE
A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.
"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," - he replied, - "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" - came the harried reply.
AD
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."
SOUND ADVICE
A man went to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked:
"What's wrong?"
The man replied:
"My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked:
"How can that be?"
"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offered:
"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi called the man and said:
"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied:
"Take the poison."
HAPPY AND SAD
A guy sitting at the dinner table with his wife suddenly asked her:
“Tell me something that will make me happy and sad in the same time”
The wife promptly replied:
“The plumber has a smaller dick than yours."
SHE IS THERE
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol' man looked at the pastor and calmly said:
"Well, she's there!"
THOUGH QUESTION
A woman was at home when she heard someone knock at the door. She went to open it and saw a man standing there. He asked the lady:
“Do you have a vagina?”
She slammed the door in disgust. The next morning she again heard a knock at the door. It was the same man and he asked the same question:
“Do you have a vagina?”
She slammed the door again. Later that night when her husband got home she told him what has happened for the last two days. The husband told the wife in a loving and concerned voice:
“Honey I am taking tomorrow off, to be home just in case this guy shows up again.”
The next morning they heard a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband said to the wife in a whispered voice:
“Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it.”
She nodded yes to her husband and opened the door. Sure enough, the same fellow was standing there and asking the same question.
“Do you have a vagina?”
“Yes” - she said...
The man replied:
“Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?”
PUZZLE
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: “Nothing.”
Wife: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."
CHOICES
Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes, or no."
PROBLEM SOLVER
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
REMOTE
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one night, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice:
“That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”
He said:
“I found the remote.”
FORTUNATE
A newly married man asked his wife:
"Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," - the woman replied sweetly, - "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR
The wife asked her husband:
"What do you like most in me, my pretty face, or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
"I like your sense of humor."
TWO WAYS TO LOOK AT EVERYTHING
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked:
"Do you know her?"
"Yes,"- I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" - said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.
BENEFACTOR
A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight. While en route home he asked the cabby, if he would be a witness. He suspected his wife was having an affair and wanted to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed..
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man! The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted:
“Don't do it! ... I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!”
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said:
“What would you do?”
The cabby replied:
“I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.”.
LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed, was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” - asked John.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project” - said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
“Son,” - said John, “this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school?”
“We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie” - said Tommy.
“What did you watch?” - asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments” - answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said:
“I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”
“I am ashamed of you son,” - said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said:
“Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You cannot be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”
With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
LOVE DRESS
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
“What are you doing?” - she asked.
“I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work” - the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you're naked!” - the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,”- the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you're naked!”
“Justin loves me to wear this dress,” - she insisted. “Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.”
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
“What are you doing?” - he asked.
“This is my love dress,” - she whispered, sensually.
“Needs ironing,” - he said. “What's for dinner?”
$15 truck
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream:
“Where did you get that truck???!!!”
He calmly told them:
“'I bought it today.”
“With what money?” - demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
“Well,” - said the boy, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder:
“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” - they said.
“It was the lady up the street,” - said the boy. “I don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!” - moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.”
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house, where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” - she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back). He claimed he was stranded and needed cash and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.”
(Are women bitches, or what?)
LEARNING FROM MISTAKES
A husband and wife were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning, when he said to her:
"If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" - she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some asshole using my stuff."
She looked at him and said:
"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?”
CHAMOMILE TEA
A woman came to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later the woman came back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled and nothing happened!"
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
MIXED EMOTIONS
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”. The husband turned to his wife and said:
“Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said:
“Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick… “
SPICING UP THE SEX LIFE
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says:
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," - she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat”.
He never heard the gunshot.
|asshole |
| |
|The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. |
|I said to her: "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." |
|"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" - she asked. |
|"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff.." |
|She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?" |
| |
LECTURE
A man was stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on my way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asked:
“Really? And who’s giving a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife.”
CONSTANT NAGGING
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about:
“What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it”.
And on and on and on........
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
“They're not hanging Wright tonight,” - she said.
He whirled around and screamed:
“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?”
THE TRAP
The wife was sure that her husband was having affair with the maid. So she laid a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for weekend and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:
“Excuse me, my dear, my stomach is aching” - and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bedroom. She then switched the lights off. He came in silently, and wasted no time on words, but quickly started the job... When he finished, the wife said:
“U didn't expect me in this bed, did u..?” - and switched on the light.
“No Madam,” - said the Watchman.
MORAL: Sometimes getting too smart can get you screwed.
TIRED DOG
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me. I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:
“I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
“He lives in a home, with my non-stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep......Can I come with him tomorrow?”
SENSITIVE HUBBY
A man was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door. He opened it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asked if there is a problem. One of the deputies asked if he is married. He said:
"Yes, I am."
The deputy then asked if he could see a picture of the man's wife. The guy said:
"Sure," - and got a photo to show them. The deputy said:
"I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy replied:
"I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."
Brief ones:
* Ad at the office:
“For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica. Hardly used. Fucking wife knows everything.”
* A man, told by a soothsayer that his wife is betraying him with his best friend went home and shot his dog.
* It is said that women have four types of orgasm:
Positive ones, when they scream: “Oh, yes!”
Negative ones, when they shout: “Oh, no!”
Divine ones, when they exclaim: “Oh, God!”
Fake ones: With their husbands.
* Question:
“Does your husband exercise regularly?”
Answer:
“Yes, last week he was out seven nights running.”
* Question:
“What is common between you and your husband?”
Answer:
“We married the same day.”
* Question:
“Why do you call your husband Henry?”
Answer:
“Because he is the eighth.”
* Question:
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
Answer:
A widow.
* Question:
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Answer:
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge
MISERS
HEAVY SPENDER
Two men were talking at the office water-cooler. One said complainingly:
“My wife is always nagging me about money. A week ago she asked for 100 dollars, two days later for 200, the day-before-yesterday for 300 and this morning for 500 dollars.”
“What is she doing with so much money?” – asked the other wonderingly.
“How would I know? I never gave her a penny.”
FITTING DONATION
“Mummy,” – called the child, – “there is a man at the door.”
“What does he want?”
“He is collecting for a municipal swimming-pool. What shall I give him?
“Give him two buckets of water.”
A KIND SPIRIT
The old man was on his deathbed, when the wonderful smell of a freshly baked cake reached his nostrils.
“Honey, could I have a piece of cake?” – he called out to his wife. “I would like to pass away, with the taste of something good on my lips.”
“No, you cannot. This cake is for the wake.”
AT HIS EXPENSE
A woman complained to her husband:
“You must do something about the curtain on the bathroom window. Every time I shower, our neighbor tries to peek at me.”
“Let him succeed just once,” – answered her caring spouse, – “and he will buy a new curtain for our bathroom window at his expense.”
POPULATION CONTROL
On his birthday, the scrooge decided to go to a restaurant. The check for the plentiful meal he consumed totaled $49.70, for which he paid with a $50 bill. The busy waitress thanked him, put the money into the cash register and continued with her other duties. A little later, when she looked towards the man’s table, she saw that he was still sitting there. She went over to him and asked:
“Is there anything else you wish, Sir?”
“I am waiting for my change,” - replied the scrooge.
The waitress returned to the cash register and after a while brought a saucer with 30 cents and a small package. The scrooge put the change into his purse, opened the package and found that it contains a package of condoms.
“What is that for?” - asked the astonished man.
“I suggest that you use it,” - answered the angry waitress, - “types like you should not multiply.”
SCOTTISH DIALOG
“Did you get my letter?”
“The one in which you asked for 10 pounds?”
“Yes, that’s the one.”
“No, I didn’t.”
INVETERATE BARGAINER
“How much is a pound of these apples.”
“As it is you Granny, you can have them free.”
“Couldn’t you set a somewhat lower price?”
EFFICIENCY IS ALL THE RAGE
The miser’s son arrived home and proudly announced to his father:
“Daddy, today I managed to save the bus fare. Instead of getting on the bus, I ran after it all the way home.”
But instead of receiving an approving pat on the shoulder, his dad slapped his face.
“What did I do?” – wailed the boy.
“You did not use your head, that is what you did! Think of how much you could have saved, if you had run after a cab.”
A GOOD BARGAIN
Mr. Miser died and his wife wanted to publish an obituary in the local paper.
“What shall I write in the obituary?” – asked the adman.
“Just ‘Bill is dead’,” – replied Mrs. Miser. “After all everybody knew him.”
“But Madam, six words will cost you the same amount as three words.”
“Then write ‘Bill is dead, Toyota for sale’”
AGREEMENT
“Tom, mate, I see that your business is prospering. Can you loan me some money?”
“I cannot,” – replied Tom. “I have an agreement with the bank.”
“What sort of agreement?”
“They are not selling hot-dogs, I’m not loaning money.”
THE OTHER ONE
"How much are the bagels?"
"40 cents for two."
"How much for one?"
"25 cents"
"Then I'll take the other one."
TEN DOLLARS
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say:
"Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Edna would say:
"I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said:
"Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."
Edna replied:
"Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said:
"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Fred:
"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Fred replied:
"Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
THE OBEDIENT WIFE
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife:
"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said:
"Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said:
"Girl, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied:
"Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?!"
"I sure did," - said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
MODERN FABLES
At first I thought of entering the fable that follows below, in the “POLITICAL” category, but then I thought that the personality trait ridiculed in it, namely pretending to be someone other than yourself, is typical of all walks of life, so I put it here.
I KNOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE!
A young German shepherd dog asked the advice of an elder colleague as to the best way to get ahead in the world. The advice of the elder dog was:
“All you have to do is to feign that you are someone else. You could pretend, for example, that you are a wolf and instantly you would be feared and respected by everybody.”
“How can I pretend being a wolf?”
“It is really very simple. The only difference between dogs and wolves is that when dogs meet, they smell each other’s behinds, whereas wolves merely rub noses. You look exactly like a wolf, so stop behaving like a dog, act like a wolf and everybody will accept that you are one.”
The young dog acted on the advice of the older dog and within a short period made a meteoric career and achieved a high position within society. A few years later, at a cocktail party, he saw from afar his mentor from the old days. He was not an ungrateful type and did not try to avoid him. He went over to the old dog and affectionately rubbed noses with him. The elder one looked him over and said:
“I see that you have come up in the world, but with me you don’t have to pretend. I know who you really are, so you can go ahead without fear and smell my ass.”
THE PRICE OF FAME
Little Red Riding Hood walked through the forest until she reached her Grandma's house. She knocked on the door and her Grandmother let her in. They sat down and had some tea together. Little Red Riding Hood got suspicious that something was wrong, when someone knocked on the door. It was the hunter. They invited him in and poured him some tea.
They chatted for a while, but Little Red Riding Hood became even more suspicious and so did the hunter. After about a half an hour he exclaimed:
“I know what is wrong! The wolf is missing.”
And so off he went to search for him in the forest. Finally he found the wolf in deep sleep between the bushes. The hunter went over to him and gave him a mighty kick:
“Get up you lazy beast, you should have devoured Grandma and Little Red Riding Hood long ago.”
“Leave me alone, I’m exhausted. I danced with Kevin Costner all night long.”
THOUGH LUCK
A guy got home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice told him:
“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Vegas.”
The man was disturbed by what he heard, but ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice told him:
“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Vegas.”
Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man heard the same voice when he got home from work:
“Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.”
Each time he heard the voice, he became more upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, took his money and headed to Las Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane, the voice told him:
“Go to Harrah's.”
So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice told him:
“Go to the roulette table.”
The man did as he was told. When he got to the roulette table, the voice told him:
“Put all your money on 17.”
Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put it all on number 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man watched the ball anxiously as it slowly lost speed, until finally it settled into number ...21. The voice said:
“Shit.....”
WAY TO GO
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest, when a big, bad wolf came out from behind the trees and threatened to devour her. The poor, frightened girl begged for her life and promised to do anything he wished if he just let her go on in peace to her grandmother. The wolf had his way with her, but then tried again to devour her. Little Red Riding Hood had to promise him once again to do his bidding and once more the wolf availed himself of her. The wolf must have been very hungry, because when he was finished, he tried to devour the girl again, but this time it was she who offered to have sex with him. The wolf did his utmost and then collapsed in exhaustion. Just then a policeman passed through the forest and upon seeing what had happened, called to Little Red Riding Hood:
“Well done! Three wolves in one day!”
ANYTHING FOR A LITTLE PEACE
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest, when suddenly she saw the big, bad wolf, hiding behind the trees.
“Wolf, wolf,” - she asked, - “why are your eyes so big?”
“Leave me in peace,” - shouted the wolf - “can’t you see that I'm trying to have a shit.”
snow white and the seven dwarfs
One day, the Seven Dwarfs were feeling kinda horny and were peeking through the window of Snow White's room. Because they were so short, one Dwarf stood on another Dwarf's shoulder and so on, forming a Dwarf Chain. Doc was at the very top, peeking through the windows. Snow White walked into the room, and started taking off her blouse.
“She's taking off her blouse!” - said Doc, to Dopey who was right below him.
“She's taking off her blouse!”
“She's taking off her blouse!”
Then she started to take off her skirt.
“She's taking off her skirt!” - said Doc.
“She's taking off her skirt!”
“She's taking off her skirt!”
Then she started to take off her bra.
“She's taking off her bra!”
“She's taking off her bra!”
“She's taking off her bra!”
Then she started taking off her panties.
“She's taking off her panties!”
“She's taking off her panties!”
“She's taking off her panties!”
All of a sudden, Doc heard a noise in the bushes.
“Somebody's coming!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”
“Me too!”
A FABLE FOR OUR TIMES
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:
“Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:
“No fucking way.”
EXCELLENT GUESS
The prince took a stroll in the woods. Suddenly an ugly old woman, with a magpie on her shoulder appeared.
“Beautiful prince,” - said the hag - “if you manage to guess the name of the bird on my shoulder, I will be yours three times in a row.”
“A giraffe,” - said the prince in panic.
“Right on the first guess!”
ADAM AND EVE
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said:
“It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.”
Adam answered:
“Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?”
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush… Moments later, Adam emerged and said:
“Thank you Lord, we thought that was wonderful!”
And the Lord replied:
“Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.”
And Adam said:
“What is a 'caress'?”
So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam took his beloved wife behind the bushes... Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling and said:
“Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”
And the Lord said:
“You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.”
And Adam inquired:
“What is it to 'to make love', Lord?”
So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared almost instantly... And Adam said:
“Lord, what is a 'headache'?”
GREETING CARD
Hi Earthling,
Here I am a creature from outer space,
I have transformed myself into this piece of paper,
Right now I am having sex with your fingers,
I know you like it because you are smiling,
Please send me on to someone else or stay with me.
MOTHERS
MONKEYING AROUND
The mother took her son to the Zoo. As they approached the primate cages, she noticed with horror that a pair of gorillas were in the middle of steamy intercourse. Horrified of the bad influence this sight might have on her son, she tried to drag him away, but the child was adamant. He wanted to see the monkeys. As a last recourse, the mother grabbed the sleeve of the nearby attendant and urgently whispered into his ear:
“Do you think that if I gave them a banana each, they would stop?”
Bemused, the attendant looked her over and asked:
“Would you, Madam?”
A WORD FROM THE WISE
Like a hen worried about her brood, the mother hovered around the room, where her just-married daughter and husband had retired for their wedding night. She put her ear to the keyhole and tried to divine from the sounds emerging from inside, if everything was all right.
The freshly minted husband had some difficulties. In the morning, excited about the upcoming event, he was in a hurry to get dressed and now could not untie his shoelaces. His bride tried to help him, but she too, could not manage to untie the knot.
From the other side of the door the mother heard the following:
“I cannot manage. It simply does not go!” - said her son-in-law.
“So let’s cut the damn thing,” - suggested the daughter.
Here the mother could restrain herself no longer.
“For God’s sake,” - she shouted through the keyhole - “don’t cut it! Try some petroleum jelly.”
CLOSED CIRCUIT
“My son swallows castor-oil like soda-pop,” – boasted a proud mother to her neighbor.
“Does he love it as much?”
“He hates it. But he gets a penny after every spoonful.”
“And what does he do with so much money?” – asked the neighbor wonderingly.
“He puts it in his saving-box and when it is full, we buy more castor-oil.”
BAD CONNECTION
As part of her studies at the University, Rachel made a study-trip to Africa.
Upon arrival, she called her mother in Brooklyn to tell her that she had arrived safely and everything was fine.
The lines were bad, but she managed to get through, had her say and in exchange got some motherly advice, which ended with something like:
“.... and get yourself a nice ..itch... doctor!”
Rachel was an obedient girl and whenever possible followed her mother’s advice. Following a month’s stay, her airplane landed at Kennedy airport. Accompanying the girl down the gangway right on her heels, was a 6 ft tall black man, wearing a grass shirt, with a tiger pelt over his shoulders, his scarred face painted white, a bone in his nose and a big spear in his hand. The aghast mother took her daughter aside and whispered:
“Rachel, my dear, who is this scarecrow?”
“This is my husband, the witch doctor you told me to get.”
“What I told you was to get a rich doctor!”
BRAGGARTS
Four old college friends were having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman told her friends:
“My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone addresses him 'Father'.”
The second Catholic woman chirped:
“My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'.”
The third Catholic crone said:
“My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'.”
Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women gave her this subtle “Well...?”
So she replied:
“My son is 6' 6”, has plenty of money, broad square shoulders, is terribly handsome, dresses very well, has a tight muscular body, tight hard buns and a very nice bulge. Whenever he walks into a room the women gasp: ‘Oh, my God...'“
JEWISH MOTHER
The first Jewish President was elected. He called his mother:
“Mama, I've won the election, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.”
“I don't know. What would I wear?”
“Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker.”
“But I only eat kosher food.”
“Mama, I am going to be the President, I can get you kosher food.”
“But how will I get there?”
“I'll send a limo, just come Mama.”
“Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.”
The great day came and Mama was seated between the Supreme Court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudged the gentleman on her right.
“You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor!”
CABBIES
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally found a cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asked her mother:
“Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?”
The mother replied:
“Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work.”
The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turned to the mother and said:
“Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!”
A brief period of silence followed and the girl then asked:
“Mummy, do the ladies have any children?”
The mother replied:
“Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?”
THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE
Walking unexpectedly into her adolescent daughter’s room, the mother found her in bed with a boy. Nonchalantly the doting parent remarked:
“I just hope you are not going to take up smoking next!”
OUT OF HIS KIND HEART
Said a mother to her neighbor:
“I don’t know why it is said that people in the big city are so bad. My daughter moved to New York just a few months ago and her boss has already presented her with a fur coat, a sports car and a fully furnished apartment.”
IMMACULATE CONCEPTION
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say:
"Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury. She argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became even more enraged and screamed:
"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?”
“Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show.”
GRANDMA
The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that but every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks........ And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!
NAMESAKES
The hippie mother, accompanied by her 15 children, entered the Family Support Program’s office.
“Way to go!” – exclaimed the social worker. “Are they all yours?”
“Of course they are mine,” – answered tartly the mother, who seemed to have enough of the recurring question and then turned to kids and issued the order:
“Jimmy, sir down!” All children took their places.
“OK” – said the social worker, – “then let’s now fill out together this questionnaire. First I would require the last names of the children.”
“This one here is the eldest, Jimmy.”
“Got it. And the next one?”
“This one is Jimmy.”
The social worker raised her eyebrows, cleared her throat, but continued to write. The names of all four of the eldest boys, one after another, were Jimmy. Then came the turn of the eldest girl and surprise, surprise, her name too was Jimmy.
“All right,” – said the office employee, – “I’m starting to get it now. Did you name all children Jimmy?
“Yea, it really simplifies matters,” – answered the mother. “When it is time for them to start to school, I give a shout: ‘Jimmy darling, move your ass!’ When dinner is ready, I call out ‘Jimmy sweetheart, come and get it!’ and they all come running. If there is danger that one of them will cross the road unattended I just cry out: ‘Jimmy, stop!’ and they all freeze in their tracks. It was my best idea ever to christen all of them as Jimmy.”
The social worker thought a bit, her forehead furrowed and then wonderingly asked:
“And if you want to call just one of them, not the whole team?”
“What is the problem? Then I call them by their first names.”
THE VET
One Sunday, counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," - he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied:
"That's wonderful, But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered:
"$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed:
"Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," - she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," - the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly:
"In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno”.
Brief ones:
* Question:
“Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Bloomingdale’s?”
Answer:
“So her daughter would visit twice a week.”
* Question:
“What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?”
Answer:
“Guilt.”
MOTHER-IN-LAW
A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE
A large crowd assembled in front of the high-rise building. A woman was holding on with all her might to the banister of one of the sixth-floor balconies, while an agitated man was clubbing her fingers with a hammer. One of the onlookers shouted:
“Have pity man, why are you harassing that poor woman?”
“She is not a poor woman, she is my mother-in-law.”
“The dirty bitch, see how she keeps holding on.”
PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT
“My dear Sir, your mother-in-law is in very bad condition. You should brace yourself for the worst.”
“Doctor, I have only one request: Treat her as if she were your own mother-in-law.”
SELLER’ S MARKET
One of Green’s horses kicked his mother-in-law and the old lady died of her injuries. Many people came to her funeral, even from the surrounding villages.
“What a crowd!” - wondered Green’s friend, - “was your mother-in-law so well loved?”
“Hell, no, they just want to buy the horse.”
RECANTATION
Some days ago a hobo rang our doorbell and my mother-in-law opened the door. The following conversation ensued:
“Excuse me Madam, do you have any empty wine bottles?”
“Do I look, like someone who drinks wine?”
“Excuse me Madam, do you have any empty vinegar bottles?”
GRATIFICATION
A married couple was involved in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only suitable place was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before. All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful face. One day when she was alone with her husband, she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said:
“Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you!”
He replied: “Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty of thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!”
EVERYTHING AT ITS PROPER TIME
The farmer was working in his garden when his neighbor came running:
“Come quickly, your mother-in-law has dropped dead!”
“I have to finish here first. Work comes before pleasure.”
UNFAIR PUNISHMENT
Lawyers among themselves:
“What is the punishment for bigamy?”
“Two mothers-in-law.”
WHY SHOULD SHE?
During the early evening hours, a man returned from a long business trip, let himself into his apartment with his key, hung up his coat and tiptoed to the bedroom. He opened the door quietly, peered into the dim room and saw a covered-up shape sleeping soundly on their bed. Nodding with satisfaction, he took off his clothes and slipped under the sheets beside his mate.
After a surprisingly steamy session, followed by a more relaxed one, the man felt like having a beer and went to the kitchen. To his amazement, he saw his wife there, having a cup of coffee.
“You are here? Then who was that in our bed I just had sex with?” - he stammered.
“That must have been my mother,” - answered his spouse stoically. “She was a bit tired, so she took a rest in our bed.”
“Then why didn’t she speak up?”
“She hasn’t spoken to you for 20 years, has she? So why should she now?”
NOT AN ENJOYABLE OCCASION
With her last breath the terminally sick woman asked of her husband:
“I want you to give me your word, my dear, that you and my mother will make up and you will walk side-by-side after my coffin at my funeral.”
Huffily the husband grumbled:
“I promise, I promise, but I must confess, that I will not enjoy this funeral very much.”
PERFECT ALARM SYSTEM
“Do you have an alarm system in your car?”
“Yes, my mother-in-law.”
FREUDIAN SLIP
A patient said:
"Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"
NAUGHTY JOKES
PURE COINCIDENCE
In the late afternoon hours, a well-dressed lady came into the pub, took a seat at the bar and ordered a triple whisky. The place was almost deserted, so the bartender had time on his hands to satisfy his curiosity. As he brought her the glass, he asked:
“Excuse me for asking, but are you celebrating anything? I mean, it is not every day that a lone lady walks onto the premises and orders a whisky and a triple one at that.”
“Indeed, it is a special occasion and I don’t mind telling you about it,” - replied the woman. “For many years I have been trying to get pregnant and have had no success. I am just returning from my gynecologist who told me that I am pregnant at last.”
The barman congratulated his customer and went back to his work. Not long afterwards a man looking like a farmer, came into the pub, found a place at the bar and ordered a large whisky. The bartender, being a curious man, asked the farmer, if he is celebrating anything.
“Of course I am,” - replied the man. “I make my living from a chicken-farm and during the last year the damn hen would not lay eggs, at least not as many, as they used to.”
“So what did you do?” - asked the bartender again.
“The obvious,” - came the reply. “Changed cocks.”
“What a coincidence!” - muttered the lone woman to herself.
HUNTING STORY
The big game hunter regaled his pals with the highlights of his African trip:
“I started my safari with 30 porters. On the very first day I encountered a big lion and shot him between the eyes. Eight of the men had to carry the carcass. The next morning a rogue elephant charged our party, but I managed to fell him with my first shot. He was so big that 14 porters barely managed to transport his body. Later, we encountered a beautiful rhino. He too went down from my first shot, but his body used up the rest of my bearers. So, when I bagged a magnificent gorilla, I was obliged to carry him myself.”
“How did you manage?” - asked of his listeners.
“Oh, I simply put each of his legs on one of my shoulders...”
Just then the hunter was called away for an urgent phone call. When he returned, he asked:
“Where was I?”
“You put one leg on each of your shoulders,” - said somebody helpfully.
“Oh yes,” - the hunter took up the thread, - “I must tell you guys, this was the most fabulous fuck I ever had.”
EXCELLENT HEARING
A man rented an apartment in New York and went to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady wearing a robe came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes. The new lodger smiled at the young girl and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was quite obvious that she had nothing on under the robe. The poor man broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said:
“Let's go into my apartment, I hear someone coming...”
He followed her into the apartment and after she closed the door she leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall open completely. She purred at him:
“What would you say is my best feature?”
The flustered, embarrassed man stammered, cleared his throat several times and finally squeaked out:
“Oh, it's got to be your ears!”
The girl was astounded:
“Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don't sag and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm, doesn't sag and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”
Clearing his throat once again, the man stammered:
“Outside when you said you heard someone coming – that was me!”
LIP SERVICE
On a bench in the park:
“Tom, remove your spectacles, they’re pressing against my leg.”
A few minutes later:
“Maybe you had better put them on again, you’re licking the bench.”
UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY
One late afternoon two Dutch girls rode their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam. As it turned closer to dusk, the increasing darkness started making the two girls a little nervous. One girl leant over to the other and said:
“You know, I've never come this way before.”
The other girl said:
“It's the cobblestones.”
VEGETABLE SALAD
Three women stood at the vegetable stand. The first requested:
“Please give me a pound of large cucumbers.”
The second one said:
“For me, some middle-size cucumbers with rough skin. Those seem to be the tastiest.”
The third one shrugged:
“Any kind of fresh cucumbers would do for me. I just need them for a salad.”
A FRUGAL TYPE
A brawny guy stood at an electronic appliance store’s window and wistfully looked at the merchandise. It was a slow day, there were no customers in sight and the storekeeper decided to liven up things a little.
“Hey you!” - he called out. “What is it that you fancy?”
“It is my wife’s birthday,” - answered the man. “I would very much like to surprise her with a new iron, but as it is, I am flat broke.”
The shopkeeper had an idea:
“I heard that you athletic types, are well-endowed in the lower parts of your body. Is it true?”
“I cannot complain,” - replied the destitute fellow.
“Then, I have a proposition for you. You see that iron there in the window? Should you manage to carry it, unaided by your hands, just on your penis, from one end of the shop to the other, it will be yours to take home to your wife.”
To the merchant’s surprise, the man performed the prescribed task easily and in a few minutes triumphantly carried the iron home. His wife was very happy with her present, but at night in bed, when she tried to show her gratitude, her husband drew away and complained of fatigue. The same scene repeated itself the next night and the night after, until one day the man found his wife crying bitterly.
“What happened, my dear?” - he inquired anxiously.
“You don’t love me anymore,” - she sniveled. - “You no longer come to me at night.”
“You don’t understand, darling. I love you dearly, but you see, I have decided to get us a refrigerator next.”
MAZEL TOV
We all know Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong’s famous statement, on stepping out of his ship on the Moon: “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind!”
Recently, when the old recordings of the Moon landing were re-examined, it was discovered that immediately afterwards he added, muttering under his breath:
“Mazel tov, Abramovitz!”
When asked for the reason of this curious remark, Armstrong told journalists that he had a neighbor, who for years asked his wife to give him head, but she always replied:
“I will perform a blow-job on you when men will walk on the Moon!”
ROYALTY
The husband was looking at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror. Wistfully he said:
“If it was twelve inches longer, I would be a King!”
Overhearing him, his wife retorted:
“Yeah, but if it was twelve inches shorter, you would be a queen!”
REAL PROFESSIONALS
Three women were sitting around having a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said:
“I call my husband the dentist - nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and said:
“I have something to confess. I call my husband the miner - he's got the most incredible shaft!”
The third woman just sipped her drink until her friend asked:
“Martha, what do you call your husband?”
She grimaced and said:
“I guess I should call him the postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box.”
EVERY AGE HAS ITS PLEASURES
During the war in Eastern Europe, there were long lines in front of every shop. Passersby always asked, what the queue was for and if they needed that particular commodity, they joined the line. In front of the county medical offices there was a line of a different kind. In those days, prostitution was legal and the ladies of the night were waiting for their monthly check-up. An elderly lady, who passed by the line, asked one of the women what they were waiting for. The hooker was ashamed to disclose their real purpose, so she said they were selling sugar inside. The old woman joined the line and waited patiently, until her turn came. When the matron with her bent back entered the clinic, one could have knocked off the astonished doctor with a feather.
“Granny, at your age!” – he exclaimed. “You don’t even have any teeth left.”
“True, but I can still suck a little.”
THE PRICE OF MEAT
A young woman entered the meat shop and inquired about the price of steaks. She was quite taken aback by the reply, but recovered quickly and beckoned to the seller:
“Would you come to the back room with me?”
When the butcher complied, she had a further request:
“Would you mind fondling my breasts just a little?”
“But Madam, what on Earth for?” – asked the surprised man.
“Look, before getting screwed, I like a little foreplay.”
OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD
Two lice met.
“What happened to you?” - asked the first when he saw how terrible his friend looked - runny nose, red eyes and teeth chattering.
“I got a ride down here in some motorcyclist’s mustache and nearly froze my nuts off.”
“You must be crazy to nest in a motorcyclist’s mustache. Why don’t you find yourself a warm cozy place, like between the thighs of young girl.”
After a week, the two lice met again. The other one looked even more chilled and miserable than during their first meeting.
“I did everything you said,” - he explained. “I made a perfect landing between the thighs of a young maiden and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off.”
“And so?” - asked the first lice.
“And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!”
TATTOO
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked for the words “yes” and “no” to be tattooed on his penis. When the job was complete, the man thought that it looked great. That night, when he went home, he approached his wife in their bedroom, stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts and there was his aroused organ displaying his new tattoo. He asked his wife:
“Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?”
She answered:
“You tell me how to cook, how to clean the house, how to do the laundry and now you are going to put words in my mouth.”
A REAL TREAT
The men were having a few beers in the pub. One of them suddenly said:
“You know guys, next week I am going on a business trip to Morocco.”
“Really?” - reacted one of his drinking companions. “Be sure to visit the brothel in Casablanca. They say it is the best in the world.”
A couple of weeks passed and one night our traveler appeared again at his regular table at the pub. All his buddies asked excitedly:
“Did you visit the whorehouse in Casablanca?”
“Of course I did,” - answered the man.
“And how was it?” - yelled the men. “Tell us, tell us!”
“When I rang the bell, a small window opened and I was asked by a beautiful lady in an evening dress, if I have sufficient funds. Only when I showed her my Letter of Credit from the bank, was I admitted.”
“So you were inside,” - shouted his companions. “What happened next?”
“Two beauty queens took my hat and coat and showed me to a marble bathroom, with taps made of gold and told me to undress. They bathed me in French champagne, gave me a wonderfully relaxing massage and took me into one of their luxuriously appointed bedrooms, with overhead mirrors, closed-circuit television, water-bed and all.”
“All right, so you are primed for action,” clamored the crowd. “Were there any luscious girls?”
“Several. They had me lie on those satin sheets,” - continued our man in a leisurely manner. “Then they shaved off all my body-hair, covered me with whipped cream, decorated it with Maraschino cherries and for good measure, added some Triple Sec liquor.”
His audience seemed to have lost its patience:
“Get to the point!” - they demanded. “What happened next?”
“To tell you the truth, it all looked so delicious, I licked it off myself.”
BALL AT THE SAVOY
It was a sultry summer day and the elderly lady, who walked by a policeman standing at the corner, could not help wondering, why he kept doing deep knee-bends.
“Excuse me, Officer,” - she asked - “what is it that you are doing?”
“You know the ballroom at the Savoy?” - asked the policeman.
“But there is no ballroom at the Savoy,” - said the surprised lady.
“There is no ballroom here either,” - said the guardian of the law and pointed at his trousers.
SHOP TALK
An actress and an actor got married and spent their honeymoon at a fashionable summer resort. Upon their return the new husband treated his friends to a round of drinks and reported of their holiday:
“We arrived in the early afternoon and immediately, without even bothering to unpack, held two performances. Then we washed up, went to dinner, came back to our room and had two more performances. Later at night we went down to the bar, had a few whiskies on the rocks and before falling asleep, had another performance, followed immediately by a dress-rehearsal.”
One of his companions - clearly someone not familiar with the theatrical lingo - interjected:
“What is the difference between a performance and a dress-rehearsal?”
“A dress-rehearsal is the same as a performance, only nobody comes.”
DID IT PASS?
It was a rainy evening and the pair of lovers decided that under the circumstances, the best location for a tryst would be under the railway-bridge. Everything went fine, the man was horny, the woman willing and soon they were humping merrily. Suddenly with an unusually loud roar, a train thundered across the bridge above their heads. The poor man could not stand the noise and pressed both hands over his ears, as strongly as he could. After a while, he queried his mate:
“Did it pass?”
The woman put her hand onto her behind and stated:
“Not yet.”
IRRESISTIBLE URGE
The veteran employee of the pickle factory came home with a sad face.
“I am sorry” - he said to his wife, - “but I have lost my job.”
“How come, dear?” - she asked. “You told me that your boss is quite satisfied with you.”
“To tell you the honest truth, for the last few days I felt a terrible urge to stick my penis into the pickle-slicer and today I finally did it. So they fired me.”
“Oh my God,” - cried his anxious spouse, - “and what happened to your poor penis.”
“As far as I can see nothing.”
“But what about the pickle-slicer?”
“Oh, she was fired too.”
NO PROBLEM
The young man, who lost one of his legs in an accident, had difficulty establishing a lasting male-female relationship. Advanced medical technology replaced his missing limb so well, that his handicap became almost unnoticeable. As he was a fairly good-looking man, he never had any trouble in attracting the girl he fancied. Their relationship would progress step-by-step, until it reached the stage, where, inflamed by passion, both wanted to bring their affair to its ultimate culmination. They would start undressing and depending on the particular girl he was with, the following would happen:
Some of the girls screamed, others reacted more restrained, but as a rule, as soon as they noticed his prosthetic limb, their passion cooled noticeably and that was the end of their relationship.
After several similar incidents, acting on the advice of an elderly friend, our man told his newest conquest of his supposed bashfulness. At his request, they undressed in total darkness; the man put his prosthetic limb in the corner and when both were in bed, told her:
“Darling, I have a problem!”
He took her hand gently and placed it on his stump. There was a sharp intake of breath and then the girl said softly:
“Maybe, if we would use some petroleum jelly, we could manage somehow.”
CAR RALLY
The noise in the singles’ bar was deafening and the lady seated on the barstool had to lean over and almost shout in her neighbor’s ear:
“I have an itchy pussy!”
The man nodded and replied:
“I drive a Japanese car too, a Mitsubishi.”
SAVING ACCOUNT
A man walked into his younger brother’s room and found him masturbating.
“Are you crazy,” - asked the elder brother - “jacking off like that, a week before getting married? You should save it for your wedding!”
Three days later, the brother came upon his sibling whacking off wildly once again. He queried exasperatedly:
“Haven’t I told you to save it for your wife-to-be?”
“I did, I did,” - answered the young one - “this bottle here is almost full.”
CROSSWORD PUZZLE
“What is a ‘female genital organ, 5 letters?”
“Horizontal, or vertical?”
“Horizontal.”
“Mouth.”
MARS MAID
The first astronaut to land on Mars encountered a native girl there. She was built somewhat differently, but was distinctly female and beautiful by any standard. The girl was busy in front of a steaming cauldron, adding various ingredients to its contents and steering furiously.
After a while the astronaut said:
“Excuse me, I just arrived from Earth. Can you tell me what you are doing?”
“Is it not obvious?” - replied the Martian girl. “I am making a child. I must be careful to mix well the components supplied by my three husbands, two co-wives and me and if the temperature and other conditions are perfect, out comes a healthy little Mars-child. Is this not the way children are made on Earth?
“No, positively no,” - answered the Earthman.
“Tell me then, how do you make children?”
“I cannot explain, but I can show you.”
Indeed, he showed her and the girl seemed to have enjoyed it. She said so too:
“I must say that your way of producing a child is quite enjoyable, but what I don’t understand is where is the product of our labors, the child?”
“Oh, that,” - shrugged the Earthman. “The child is only born after nine months.”
“Then why did you stop mixing?”
NOT COLOR BLIND
There were no facilities at the deserted beach, so the smashing blonde who came for a swim, had to change into her bathing suit in the open. While she tried to do it as discreetly as possible, she noticed that a man, lying nearby sunbathing was actually peeking at her through his half-closed eyelids. Furiously she turned on him:
“Sir, you are no gentleman!”
She received a prompt response:
“And you Madam, are no blonde!”
WINDY DAY
In the early morning hours a guy was walking through Soho. It was a windy day and the girl, who walked across from him, struggled mightily - and rather unsuccessfully - to prevent her short skirt from exposing her private parts. As he came abreast of the girl fighting the wind, the man remarked politely:
“Airy, isn’t it?”
But the girl wanted none of it and answered furiously:
“What the hell did you expect, feathers?”
FLOWER ARRANGEMENT
It was a sunny day and the two women were sitting on the porch, gossiping over a cup of tea. Suddenly one of them grimaced:
“Here comes that good-for-nothing husband of mine, bringing me a bunch of flowers. I will have to open my legs for him again.”
“What is the matter?” – asked the other one uncomprehendingly. “Don’t you have any vases?”
SEXUAL HARASSMENT
Duracell Bunny became a victim of sexual harassment. Normally, the Bunny keeps going and going and going.... But somebody reversed the polarity and the Bunny kept coming and coming and coming...
A SURE SIGN
The two women were neighbors for many years. One of them noticed that every time she hung out her washing, it started raining, whereas when the other woman decided to do her washing the weather was always fair. One day she decided to ask her neighbor if she has some sort of system for ascertaining the weather on the day she hangs her laundry.
The woman replied:
“It is really very simple. I’m always up first in the morning and before getting out of bed, I raise the blanket and have a look inside my husband’s pajama bottoms. If I find that his organ has fallen to the left side, I know it will rain, but if it happens to fall to the right, I am positive the sun will shine.”
“And what if his penis stays in the middle?” - insisted her neighbor.
“In that case, who wants to bother with the washing!”
WRITERS’ CRAMP
Mrs. Smith and Mr. Peabody – both consenting adults – had a long-running relationship. A set of previously agreed code words enabled the couple to communicate, without endangering their happy marriages. The code for arranging a meeting was “typewriter.”
One day Mr. Peabody felt horny and thought that meeting Mrs. Smith would somewhat alleviate his state. So, he sent his son over to the Smiths and told him to ask the mistress of the house if he can borrow their typewriter. The boy came back soon and conveyed Mrs. Smith’s regret, saying the machine only has a red ribbon.
A week passed. Mrs. Smith already had a black ribbon, but there was no word from Mr. Peabody. At last, she decided to send over her daughter with a message that the typewriter is now available for his use. But Mr. Peabody no longer needed it. He told the girl to pass the message to her mother that he has already written by hand.
A TELLING GESTURE
The Madam of an exclusive brothel in Paris went to the marketplace to do her weekly shopping. First, she went to the greengrocer’s, chose some tomatoes, a few onions, took a bag of peeled potatoes, looked at the beautifully polished apples and then, picking up a banana, asked the greengrocer:
“How much are these bananas?”
“For you Madam, 15 francs,” - was the answer.
The good lady was surprised:
“How on Earth did you know, that I am a Madam.”
“From the way you hold the banana!”
PITIFUL STATE
A middle-aged man was riding the subway with his fly open. A boy whispered in his ear:
“Uncle, half of your wee-wee is hanging out.”
The man sighed:
“Unfortunately, that’s all of it.”
MOANING
Morris came home to find his wife, Sadie, crying:
“I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been a good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?”
Embarrassed, Morris confessed:
“It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!”
“If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I too can moan during sex!”
So they retired to the bedroom, got undressed and climbed beneath the sheets. As they began to kiss, Sadie asked:
“Now, Morris? Should I moan now?”
“No not yet.”
Morris began fondling Sadie:
“What about now? Should I moan now?”
“No, I'll tell you when.”
He climbed on top of Sadie and began to have intercourse.
“Is it time for me to moan, Morris?”
“Wait, I'll tell you when.”
A moment later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yelled: “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”
“OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!”
LENT
On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy, but sweet nightie and with great anticipation crawled into bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied:
“Because it's Lent.”
“Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard” – she exclaimed, close to tears. “To whom and for how long?!”
SWEET REVENGE
A married guy was out getting laid, when he suffered a massive heart attack and died. The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying:
“Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away. What would you like us to do?”
To which she replied:
“Cut it off and stuff it in his ass.”
When she went to view the body, she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket. Bending over him, she said softly:
“Hurts, doesn't it?”
APARTMENT FOR RENT
A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “Rent For Apartment.” On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
“Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat and that it was entirely too large.”
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
“Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.”
EXCELLENT MEMORY
Three guys were debating who has the best memory. The first said:
“I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.”
The second guy said:
“I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”
Not to be outdone, the third guy said:
“Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father and coming home with my mother.”
NEW ANGLE
When the surgeon came to see his young patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. So the doctor asked:
“What's wrong?”
“Well this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?”
“Uh...” - stammered the stunned surgeon, as he thought pensively, - “I hadn't really thought about it. You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy.”
Tight skirt
One day, a large group of people was waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt and high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reached behind her and unzipped the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tried again.
Again, she found that she could not maneuver the step, so once more she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looked at the bus driver and tried to board again. With disappointment, she found that she still couldn’t step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzipped her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still did not reach the bottom step.
Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabbed her by the waist, lifted her up and placed her on the bus. The woman turned to the Texan furiously and said:
“Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don’t even know you!”
Nonplused, the Texan looked at her and replied:
“Well, ma’am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends.”
ON DRAFT
Arriving for her artificial insemination, the young wife was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.
“And just what do you think you're doing?” – she demanded.
“Sorry,” – said the young man, – “but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give it to you on draft.”
MUCH BETTER
A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach said:
“You’re such a big guy. Why did you marry such a petite woman? She’s no bigger than your hand.”
“That’s right Coach,” – replied the lineman, – “but she's much better!”
MOVING MEN
There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.
“I’ll get the door,” – said the first ovary. She looked out the peephole and asked:
“Did you order furniture?”
“No, why?” – asked the other.
“Because there are two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!”
CAUTIOUS GUY
It happened in the Garden of Eden:
God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and took one of his ribs. From the rib, he made a woman and brought her unto the man. They were both naked, the man and his wife and were not ashamed. Adam called his wife's name Eve.
Eve asked Adam what he did about entertainment before she came on the scene. Adam shrugged and showed her a hole in the trunk of a nearby tree, located at just about the right height for him to thrust his desires away. Smiling, Eve said:
“Well, I have news for you. I’m fully equipped to take care of those needs.”
She lay down on her back and opened her legs. Adam, eyes wide open, took a good look and then kicked her right between her legs as hard as he could. Eve cried out with pain:
“And what was that for?” - she asked with tears in her eyes. Replied Adam:
“Oh, just driving off the squirrels.”
Porno movie
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor was asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
“I'm afraid I don't have a husband” - she replied.
“O.K. do you have a boyfriend?” - asked the midwife.
“No, no boyfriend either. I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.”
After the birth the midwife again spoke to the young woman.
“You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black”
“Well,” - replied the girl, - “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black.”
“Oh, I'm very sorry,” - said the midwife, - “that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.”
“Well yes,” - the girl again replied, - “you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?”
“Oh, I'm sorry,” - the midwife repeated, - “that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.”
“Well yes,” - continued the girl, - “I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.”
At this the midwife again apologized, collected the baby and presented her to the girl, who immediately proceeded to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby started crying and the mother exclaimed:
“Thank God for that!”
“What do you mean?” - asked the midwife.
“Well,” - said the girl extremely relieved, - “I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark.”
Small cHANGE
In a pouring rain a taxicab was parked at a deserted street corner when the door opened suddenly and a totally naked woman plunked her wet body down onto the rear seat. She stated her destination, but the cabby just sat there staring at her dumbly in his rearview mirror.
“What's matter?” - asked the woman. “Why don't you start?”
“I was asking myself how you are going to pay the fare?”
In reply, the woman just spread her legs suggestively. The driver asked:
“Got any smaller bills?”
CURE-ALL
A young couple sat on a bench in the park. All at once the girl spoke up:
“My mouth is tingling. Maybe a kiss would help.”
The boy kissed her and the girl snuggled to his chest happily. A little later she said:
“I have a funny prickling feeling in my breasts. Would a kiss make it go away?”
The boy kissed them too and some more time passed. Then the girl said:
“Now I’ve got a bad itch between my legs. Can you do something about that too?”
Obediently the boy applied his mouth to the said part. Suddenly a voice was heard from the bushes:
“Young man, do you cure piles too?”
CODED MESSAGES
A mother told her three daughters to write home after their respective weddings and let her know how their married life was. The eldest was the first to get married and on the second day, a letter arrived with a single message: “Maxwell Coffee.”
At first the mother was confused, but finally looked at the ad, which said “Satisfaction to the last drop” and was very happy for her daughter.
After a week of marriage, the second daughter wrote to her Mother with the message: “Rothmans.” As usual, the mother looked for the ad and when she saw that it read “Life size, King Size,” was quite happy for her daughter.
After the third daughter's wedding, there was no news until after four weeks. Then a message arrived with the words “BRITISH AIRWAYS”. The mother rushed to her paper to look for the ad, but almost fainted when she saw that it read “Two times a day, four times a week, both ways.”
PAY RAISE
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said:
“Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!”
“I don't know what you're talking about miss – that's just my pay check in my pocket.”
“Oh really,” – she spat – “then you must have a hell of a job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour.”
art
At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion.
“Can I help you with this painting?” - he asked.
“Well, yes,” - said the gentleman. “We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?”
“Oh” - said the artist. “I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!!!”
PEANUTS
A man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, but after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, the daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once they were gone, the mother turned to the father and said:
“That's wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?” The father replied:
“From the smell of his fingers, probably our son-in-law!”
Hard fact
A man in a hotel lobby wanted to ask the clerk a question. As he went to the front desk, his elbow accidentally bumped a woman's breast. They were both quite startled. The man turned to the woman and said:
“Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.”
She replied:
“If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.”
100 Miles an Hour
A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy said to the girl:
“If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?”
She agreed and he began to speed up. When the speedometer hit 100 she started to strip. When she got all her clothes off, he was so busy staring at her that he drove off the road and flipped the car. The girl was thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her boyfriend were trapped in the car.
“Go get help,” – he pleaded.
She replied:
“I can't, I'm naked.”
He pointed to his shoe that was thrown clear and said:
“Cover your snatch with that and go get help.”
She took the shoe, covered herself, and ran to the gas station down the road. When she arrived she was frantic and yelled to the attendant:
“HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!”
The attendant looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied:
“I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in.”
A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS
People stopped inviting Tom to their home, especially people with young children. Though a decent enough chap, he had an extremely uncouth manner and when he told one of his dirty jokes, he never really cared who overheard him. One day a big dinner was held at a friend's house - in honor of their daughter’s engagement - and even Tom, who promised that he would behave, received an invitation. Most of the dinner went well, but then, just as the main course was cleared away, Tom asked the bride-to-be:
“Do you know, what it is that I have between my legs?”
“No, I would not know,” - answered the blushing girl. Everybody held his or her breath as Tom answered:
“The table leg,” - he said and one could hear the assembled guests letting out their breath with an audible whoosh. A quarter of an hour passed. The guests had their coffee, the atmosphere was relaxed and then Tom spoke up again, addressing the daughter again:
“I presume that you know now, what I have between my legs?”
“Of course. The table leg.”
“No,” - said Tom, - “but what you thought of previously!”
change of venue
One night, as a couple laid down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turned over and said:
“I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear:
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
MONEY DEALINGS
A guy got home late one night and his wife asked:
“Where the hell have you been?”
“I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.”
“What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?”
“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow... Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money.... And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!”
PROFESSIONALS
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, went to a bridal shop and asked for a white dress.
“You can't wear white,” - reminded the sales clerk. “You've been married three times already.”
“Of course I can, I'm a virgin!” - said the bride.
“Impossible,” - said the sales clerk.
“Unfortunately not,” - the bride explained. “My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God do I miss him!”
trump card
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton died on the same day and they both came before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there was only one space left that day, so the angel had to decide which of them could get in. The angel asked Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she took off her top and said:
“Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Dolly and asked Her Majesty the same question. The Queen dropped her skirt and panties, took a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shook it up and douched with it. The angel said:
“OK, Your Majesty, you may go in”.
Dolly was outraged.
“What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?”
“Sorry, Dolly,” – said the angel, – “but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of a kind.”
statistics
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out:
"Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said:
"Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of Nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked:
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," - she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" - he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," - she explained, - "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed:
"I'm sorry," - she said, - "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," - the man said, - "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
NO EXCUSE
A real 'terror' of a college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late: A medically certifiable illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up:
“But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?”
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look.
“Well,” – he responded, – “I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand.”
THE FABULOUS FINKELSTEIN
Mr. Cohen, who lived in a small town, noticed in the paper that the world famous Ringling circus, featuring the fabulous Finkelstein, came to town. He bought a ticket and went to see the show. Performer after performer, until finally, preceded by trumpeters, the fabulous Finkelstein, a small red-haired guy, came on. He placed three large sized walnuts on a table, big drum roll, Finkelstein took his penis out of his pants, took a whack and boom-boom-boom, the three walnuts were broken. Huge ovation, the ladies threw flowers to him, etc. etc. and the show was over.
Five years later Mr. Cohen read in the paper that the Ringling circus, featuring the fabulous Finkelstein. is in town again. Again he went to see the show and hardly waited to see the famous performer. Finally the fabulous Finkelstein showed up, huge ovation, yelling, applause, etc. He placed three big coconuts on the table, took out his penis, took a whack and boom-boom-boom all the three coconuts were broken to small pieces. Unbelievable ovation, flowers, ladies threw their underwear, etc. Mr. Cohen went back-stage to the fabulous Finkelstein's dressing room and said:
“Maestro, I saw your fantastic performance five years ago and now again and was absolutely overwhelmed that it has actually improved. If I may humbly ask, why did you choose a more difficult task, using coconuts instead of walnuts?”
The fabulous Finkelstein quietly replied:
“Unfortunately, I had to. You see, my eyes are not the same as five years ago!”
FREQUENCY
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” - he asked, rather hopefully.
“Well, I’d have to say I like it infrequently,” – she responded.
The old guy paused.... then asked:
“Was that one word, or two?”
ANATOMIC CONFUSION
A teenage girl came home from school and asked her mother:
“Is it true what Rita just told me?”
“What was that?” – asked her mother.
“That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?” – said her daughter.
“Yes it is dear!” – replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
“But then, when I have a baby,” – responded the teenager, – “won't it knock my teeth out?”
RODEO
Two Texans were sitting at a bar. One asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called the “rodeo.”
His friend said:
“No, what is it??”
“Well, you mount your wife from behind, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands, then say,.........’Boy, these are almost as nice as your sister's....’ Then see if you can hold on for eight seconds!!”
NATURE PRESERVATION
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They teed off and one drive went to the right and the other went to the left. The wife found her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabbed a club and took a mighty swing at the ball. She hit a beautiful second shot, but in the process hacked the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appeared out of nowhere. She blocked her path to her golf bag, looked at her and said:
“I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter, you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.”
The mystery woman then disappeared as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife called out to her husband:
“Hey, where's your ball?”
“It's over here in the pussy willows.”
The wife screamed back:
“DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!”
SAY AGAIN?
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, “The Cambridge Distorter” told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing, but the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one asked of her twin:
“WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“He said, that WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!” – said the other.
“Now get a little closer together” – said the cameraman.
Again:
“WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS, SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.”
So they wiggled up close to each other.
“Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little”, – said the photographer.
Yet again:
“WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!”
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out:
“OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?”
IF ONLY…
A guy was walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker caught his eye. He stroke up a conversation and eventually asked her:
“How much do you charge?”
Hooker replied:
“It starts at $500 for a hand job.”
Guy said:
“$500 dollars! For a hand job! Jesus Christ! No hand job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker said:
“Do you see that Denny's on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?”
“Yes.”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” –said the hooker, smiling invitingly, – “I own those. And I own them, because I give a hand job that's worth $500.”
Guy said:
“What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.”
They retired to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy was sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He was so amazed, he said:
“I suppose a blowjob is $1,000?”
The hooker replied:
“$1,500.”
“$1,500? My God! No blowjob could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!”
The hooker replied:
“Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500.”
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand job, decided to put off the new car for another year or so and said:
“Sign me up.”
Ten minutes later, he was sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He could scarcely believe it but he felt he truly got his money's worth. He decided to dip into his retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asked the hooker:
“How much for some pussy?”
The hooker said:
“Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces and showplaces?”
“Damn!” – the guy said, in awe. “You own the whole city?”
“No,” – the hooker replied, – “but I would if I had a pussy.”
HOLES
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied:
“I'm on the 7th hole and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said:
“I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me and so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her and on finishing his round, went into the clubhouse and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said:
“Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
They started a conversation and the man asked the lady what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied:
“If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn't,” – he said.
She said:
“I sell tampons.”
With that he started laughing so hard that he fell on the floor. She said:
“See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That's not what I'm laughing at,” – he replied. “I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!”
THE COWBOY
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had he biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said:
“Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?”
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said:
“Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.”
The woman replied:
“Don't flatter yourself....... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”
THE SHOES
Gorgio has been in the United States for about six months. He walked to work every day and passed a shoe store. Each day he stopped to look in the window and admired a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After about two months, he saved the $300 the shoes cost and purchased them.
Each Friday night the Italian community got together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seized the opportunity to wear his new shoes to the dance. He asked Sophia to dance and as they danced asked her:
“Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?”
Sophia (startled): “Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?”
Giorgio: “I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?”
Next he asked Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he said to her:
“Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?”
Rosa: “Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?”
Giorgio: “I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?”
The evening was almost over and the last song was being played. Giorgio asked Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turned red:
Giorgio: “Carmella, still my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tell me this is true!”
Carmella: “Yes, yes, Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight.”
Giorgio (gasping): “Thank God... I thought I had a crack in my $300 Bocceli leather shoes.”
GARDENING
A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a neighbor, who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman:
"What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentleman responded:
"Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman:
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No”, – she replied, – "but my cucumbers are enormous.”
MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist told her:
"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
She said:
"I'm not using it under my arms."
The clerk said:
"If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
She said:
"I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The clerk said:
"Stay off your bicycle for about a week."
JAMAICAN FIREMAN
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:
“Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station...
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says, 'Bell one,' I want you to strip naked, 'Bell two,' you jump on de bed, 'Bell tree,' we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night, he came home and shouted, 'Bell One' and she stripped naked. 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out:
"BellFour!"
“What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?" - asked the astonished Jamaican.
She replied: .
“Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire.”
RULES FOR BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
*HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
CROSSWORD-PUZZLE
„What is it: ‘female genital organ, five letters’?”
„Across, or down?”
„Across.”
„Mouth.”
OOPS
A guy checked into a hotel on a trip recently and was a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Cleopatra, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair and long graceful legs all the way up to her, well you know the kind.
So he was in his room and figured, what the hell, he'll give her a call.
"Hello?" - the woman said. Ohhhh, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking about, kinky the whole night long. You name it we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She said:
"That sounds fantastic .... but for an outside line you need to press 9."
MERLOT
In the restaurant the waiter took a bottle of Merlot to a woman dining alone at a table and said:
"This is from the gentleman seated over there," - indicating the sender.
The woman regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man, and decided to send a reply note. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage and there is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
MIND AGAINST MATTER
A well-dressed lady entered a lingerie shop:
“Good day, do you have any sexy lingerie?”
“What did you have on your mind, concretely?”
“Concretely, copulating is on my mind, but just now I would like to buy some underwear.”
FANNY GREEN
An Irish man went to confession at St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
“Father”, - he confessed,“ it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.”
The priest told the sinner:
“You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.”
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
“Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.”
This time, the priest questioned:
“Who is this Fanny Green?”
“A new woman in the neighborhood,” - the sinner replied.
“Very well,” - sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.”
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous, redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered:
“Is that Fanny Green?”
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply:
“No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes”.
A VERITABLE ROMANCE
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into
a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He
approached me soundlessly, from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice
close to my ear:
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly, but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped
my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
PROSTATE EXAM
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test by the National Health Service, a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" - said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection," - said the man.
"No, but I have,"
Brief, but naughty:
* During the Holiday Season, a man bought his girlfriend a pair of stockings. On one stocking he inscribed “Merry Christmas!”, on the other “Happy New Year!” and on the attached greeting card he wrote: “See you between the two holidays.”
* There is a new pill that cures both impotence and constipation. It will be marketed under the name: “Easy Come, Easy Go.”
* While in London, a Scotsman asked a prostitute who accosted him what her going rate was. On hearing her reply, the stupefied man exclaimed:
“But Baby, I don’t want to buy it, just use it for a while.”
* Suggested one penis to another:
“Let’s go and watch a blue movie.”
Answered his mate:
“And stand-up during the entire performance?”
* Question:
“Why does English beer remind one of having sex in a boat?”
Answer:
“It is fucking close to water.”
* Question:
“Why is a joke like a pussy?”
Answer:
“Neither is any fun if you don't get it.”
* Question:
“What is preferable to roses on your piano?”
Answer:
“Tulips on your organ.”
* Question:
“Why did God create Eve?”
Answer:
“Adam’s right hand was getting stiff.”
* Question:
“Why does the promiscuous lady have a lighted candle in her navel?”
Answer:
“Her lover likes to eat by candlelight.”
* Question:
“Why did Elisabeth Arden?”
Answer:
“Because Max Factor.”
* Question:
“Do you think sex is dirty?”
Answer:
“Yes, if you do it right.”
* Question:
“What is the difference between a nun and a bathing woman.
Answer:
“The nun’s soul is full of hope, whereas the bathing lady’s hole is full of soap.”
* Question:
“What is common between Soya beans and vibrators?”
Answer:
“Both are meat substitutes.”
* Question:
“Why is it inadvisable to take up with a cigar-smoking woman?”
Answer:
“Because she’s in the habit of biting the tip off.”
* Question
“What's the definition of ‘Indecent’?”
Answer:
“When it's in long, in hard, and in deep, it's in decent.”
* Question:
“Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?”
* Question:
“What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?”
Answer:
“Slow down and use a lubricant.”
* Question:
“What is the difference between hard and dark?”
Answer:
“Dark lasts all night.”
* Question:
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Answer:
“How do you breathe through that thing?
* Question:
“What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?”
Answer:
“A slut screws everyone. A bitch screws everyone but you”
* Question:
“What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?”
Answer:
“By the time you're finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.”
Con game: To convince a woman that it is small and soft so that it won’t hurt her.
Polite man: Someone who even when he is screwing, begs to be excused for shoving.
Tiny: When the boy asks the girl: “Is it in yet?”
“No, it isn’t.”
“Funny, it isn’t outside either.”
NOUVEAU RICHE
ONLY THE BEST WILL DO
After several miscarriages, the young tycoon’s wife finally gave birth to a healthy child. The new father was very proud and immediately started looking for the best program to ensure his future heir, his business and his fortune. The first insurance company manager introduced his program called “From Womb to Tomb” and described its various features in glowing colors.
The industry mogul was impressed, but decided to shop around a little more and see what the competition had to offer. Indeed, the competing company’s manager assured him that his company’s program is a much better one, as it takes care of the insured “From Sperm to Worm”
The young magnate was still doubtful. After all it was his child, he was paying and for his money he wanted the very best insurance program available on the market. Finally, it was the third manager who clinched the deal, as his company’s program provided the absolute ultimate in insurance “From Erection to Resurrection”
WORTHLESS trash
The nouveau riche came into the antiquary and looked through some of the books. After a while he spoke up:
“Don’t you have anything new?”
“No sir, we deal in antique books.”
“I didn’t realize that these old books still have a market. Once I found an old bible in our attic. It was written in those funny-looking German letters and published by somebody named Got… Guten…”
The antiquarian blanched and started trembling: “Maybe Gutenberg?”
“Yea, how did you guess? Still, it looked very old and was torn in several places, so I just chucked it out.”
“Oh my God! That must have been one of the first books ever published. It was worth a fortune.”
“I doubt it. On most of the pages there was some scribbling by a guy who called himself Martin Luther.”
magnanimous soul
One afternoon, as Mr. Golddigger, the newfangled millionaire, was fishing in his private lake, the legendary goldfish was snagged on his hook. Mr. Golddigger looked at the fish and as it was too small to be of any use, threw it back into the lake. Before swimming away, the grateful fish peeked out of the water and asked:
“And what about the three wishes?”
Mr. Golddigger hesitated only slightly and then magnanimously uttered:
“All right, you may wish something.”
HE GAVE ALREADY
At the club everybody was either going on a mountain-climbing holiday, or just returning from one. Goldsmith felt very embarrassed when asked about his mountain-climbing experience (he did not have any) and decided to acquire one as soon as possible. He flew to Switzerland, took the train to Grindelwald, walked to a sporting-gear shop and asked for some mountain-climbing equipment. The seller looked at him dubiously and said:
“Sir, do you think that it is advisable to venture on such a dangerous trip at your age and without previous experience?”
“If everybody can do it, I can do it too,” - answered Goldsmith
He took the equipment, asked for directions and left. When he did not return that night, the hotel management notified the police. The next morning a helicopter was sent out to search for the missing man. They located him 2,000 meters up on the Eiger, inching his way up on its nearly vertical side. The pilot switched on his powerful loudspeaker and called:
“Mr. Goldsmith, this is the Red Cross.”
But the man was not to be distracted:
“I already gave at the office,” - he shouted back and continued climbing.
OURS IS NICER
One night, the Moneymakers were having dinner. Seated at opposite ends of their five-meter long oak-wood table, Mr. Moneymaker remarked to his wife:
“You know, every man at our club keeps a mistress. I am the only one, who does not have one. What will they think of us?”
“If everybody has a mistress, you should take one too,” - replied his loyal sidekick. “We don’t want people thinking, that we cannot afford one.”
And indeed, with the help of his wife, Mr. Moneymaker managed to find a mistress. He spent two evenings a week with her and while relaxing with his friends in the sauna, he had the satisfaction of being able to complain:
“My mistress wants a new mink-coat again.”
One night the Moneymakers went to the theater. Before the curtain rose, Mrs. Moneymaker looked through her binoculars at the rest of the audience. Suddenly, she pulled her husband’s sleeve:
“Who is that gorgeous blonde beside McCormick?”
“Probably his mistress.”
“His mistress? She is not so pretty after all. Ours is nicer, don’t you agree?”
THANK GOD
A golden Rolls Royce rolled to a stop before the exclusive “Fountainenbleu” Hotel in Miami. Out stepped a lady in a mink coat, the jewelry on her neck and hands dazzling in the afternoon sunshine. She requested the doorman to send out some men and carry her husband into the lobby. It took four strong bellboys to deposit the corpulent man in a comfortable armchair. As they pocketed their generous tip, one of them asked the wife pityingly:
“Can’t the poor guy walk at all?”
“Of course he can, but thank God, he doesn’t have to!”
OLD AGE HUMILIATIONS
A MATTER OF TIMING
A doddering old man leaning on his cane came to the American Consulate in Tel Aviv and applied for a US visa. The clerk expressed his regrets that the immigration-quota for the Middle East was used up for the next two decades.
“It would be best Grandpa if you returned home and reapplied in about twenty years,” – he jokingly advised.
The patriarch thanked him and shuffled towards the exit. Suddenly, something occurred to him and he turned back towards the clerk:
“You forgot to tell me, at what time should I be here?”
URGENT FAMILY BUSINESS
The wrinkled, but still sprightly old gent came to the fashionable law-firm for an appointment with a lawyer. The secretary looked through her boss’s schedule and asked:
“Would next Thursday be all right?”
“No, on Thursday I have to be at my parents’ wedding.”
“Your parents are getting married?” – the secretary was really surprised.
“They don’t really want to,” – answered the old-timer, – “but their parents insist.”
VANILLA ICE CREAM
Said the pensioner to his wife:
“I am stepping out to fetch a six-pack of beer. I shall not be long.”
“Be a dear and write yourself a note to get me a big cone of vanilla ice cream.”
“Oh, I will not forget such a simple request,” - said the husband.
“No, no,” - insisted his spouse, - “you must write it down. You know how forgetful you have become. Besides, I want it topped with some whipped cream.”
“Big deal,” - retorted the man angrily, - “one big cone of vanilla ice cream with whipped cream. That much even I am able to remember.”
He left and after a while came back carrying a box. His wife opened the box and saw that it contained a big Mac.
“You see, I told you to write it down,” - triumphed the wife, - “you forgot the French fries!”
RIGHT, ON THE FIRST GUESS
The elderly gentleman, very proud of his youngish looks, took his morning constitutional, as usual, in the neighborhood park. When he became tired, he sat on one of the benches, already occupied by a middle-aged lady. Soon, they fell to talking first about the weather (fine), then the morals of the youth (bad). Suddenly the old gent said:
“Guess how old I am.”
“Maybe if you undressed,” – answered the woman, – “I would be able to guess your age.”
The old man took off his clothes and his companion on the bench sized him up carefully. After a while she asked:
“Turn around, please!”
The man complied and felt her scrutinizing eyes on his back, like ants walking up and down. Finally she requested him to turn to the side and after a further check-up, stated:
“You are 92 years old.”
“How did you know?” – said the oldster in amazement. “People tell me that I look much younger.”
“You told me yesterday.”
BEDDING ORDER
A rich old man proposed to a young woman.
“I will marry you,” – said the woman, – “but I have three conditions:
1. Deposit 1 million dollars in my bank account.
2. Buy me a mansion in Santa Monica, with a swimming pool and a Jacuzzi.”
“Consider it done,” – said the prospective husband. “And what is your third condition?”
3. “I want to have sex every day.”
“All right. Put me down for every second Thursday.”
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE
The old, but still agile maid came to her much younger lady-friend, known for her promiscuity and said:
“I have a confession to make. I am 80 years old, but still a virgin. I find it unbearable to die without having been with a man at least once. If you are really a good friend, you will help me get a man. I have a few hundred dollars and I am ready to pay for his services.”
The friend was aghast:
“My dear, at your advanced age, the shock could cause you a heart attack,” - she warned.
The old lady was adamant and in the end, her confidant went out to the nearby park and asked the shabbily dressed vagrant sitting on one of the benches:
“Do you want to make a few bucks? A friend of mine is anxious to be introduced to the pleasures of the flesh.”
The tramp was only too willing, until he saw the intended object of his tryst. Only when he heard the amount he was to be paid, did he relent and take the old girl to a nearby hotel for the night. In the morning when her friend came to the hotel, she found the tramp in bed, having a luxurious breakfast, but the ancient dame was nowhere to be seen.
“You bum! What did you do with her?” – she shouted. “Is she in the hospital? Is she dead?”
“Hush, hush,” – said the man, finishing off a bottle of quality wine. “There is no need to get excited. My lady friend just went to the bank to withdraw her savings.”
DROP-IN
An old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked:
“Do you think we can still do that?”
“Well, we can sure try!” – she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she undressed in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
“What are you doing, sweetheart?” – he asked.
“Well,” - she replied, - “I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”
OLD, NOT FEEBLE
An 80-year-old man went to see his family physician.
“What seems to be the trouble, Uncle Jim?”
“I’m marrying a 20-year-old girl next week. Dear doctor, I know it’s rare at my age, but is it still possible for me to have children?”
“Of course it is possible, just find yourself a young lodger.”
A year later, the doctor met the beaming old geezer walking on the street alongside his young wife who was pushing a huge baby carriage with triplets in it.
“Uncle Jim!” – exclaimed the doctor, – “I’m glad to see that you have succeeded with the babies. And how is your lodger?”
“Don’t mention it! She is pregnant too.”
MISSING PERSON
An old man was sitting on a park bench and crying bitterly. A passersby took pity on him and inquired:
“What is the matter Grandpa? Can I help you?”
“Nobody can help me,” – wailed the man.
“Don’t you have a family to go home to?”
“My wife died seven months ago. I found a girl, a 20-year-old blonde looker, to take care of me. She moved into my house, cooks my favorite dishes for me, washes and irons my clothing and has sex with me every night.”
“So why are you crying?” – asked the passersby.
“I forgot where I live.”
BETTER THAN A SLEEPING PILL
“What do you do when you can’t fall asleep?”
“I count till three.”
“And when that doesn’t help?”
“I count till three-thirty.”
ACTIVE LOVE LIFE
The elderly man confided to his young colleague:
“These days, every tryst takes me about three hours.”
“I am impressed,” – said the young man, – “I never manage to last that long. How do you do it?”
“I spend one hour cajoling, one hour endeavoring and one additional hour apologizing.”
WHO’S WHO
A minor functionary, very proud of his record, was retired after 45 years of working at the municipality. Since he was a bachelor and saw no sense in maintaining a large apartment, he decided to move to a fashionable Retirement Home. After his arrival, he took a stroll around the premises. In the corridor he encountered two elderly ladies. He tried to dazzle them with one of his patronizing smiles, but got no spark of recognition.
“Don’t you know who I am?” – he asked.
The ladies gave him the once-over and finally one of them said:
“We really don’t know you, but if you can’t remember who you are, they can tell you downstairs at the office.”
A MATTER OF PATIENCE
On his 100th birthday a reporter asked the patriarch, how he had managed to reach such a ripe old age.
The old gent just shrugged: “Very simply. I had one glass of brandy every day.”
“But there are many others who drink and don’t live to become 100 years old,” - wondered the reporter.
“Of course not,” – answered the venerable guy, – “they don’t keep it up long enough.”
THE SECRET OF LONGEVITY
As part of a survey, undertaken with the purpose of trying to discover the reasons behind longevity, a scientist interviewed scores of old people.
“What is your secret for long life?” - he asked the first interviewee.
“I drink a big glass of milk three times a day, in the morning, at noon and at night,” - answered the old guy.
“And how old are you?”
“94 years old.”
The scientist thanked him and called in the second man.
“What is your secret?” - he asked again.
“I refrain from consuming any meat, eat only fresh vegetables and fruit.”
“And what is your age?”
“I just celebrated my 90th birthday.”
The scientist continued with his interviews. The third man said he jogs at least three times a day, each time about 5 kilometers and he is 103 years old. The fourth, fifth and sixth each had their own recipes for longevity and each could point to his advanced years as proof that his secret is the most effective. Finally, in came a man, who looked the oldest of the lot. His back was bent, his head trembling; he barely managed to reach the interviewing table. He too was asked:
“What is your secret?”
“I sleep three times a day with an 18 old girl.”
This was a new angle. The scientist continued with his query:
“And how old are you?”
“49 years old,” - replied the patriarch.
TOTAL AMNESIA
The elderly lady complained to her daughter:
“I am getting on in age and I think I should stop holding these weekly bridge-parties at my house. I prepare sandwiches, cakes, soft drinks and when everybody is gone, I discover that I forgot to serve them.”
“Oh Mum, it would be a foolish to stop something you enjoy so much,” – said the daughter. “I know you look forward to the party all through the week. I‘ll prepare a note and attach it to the fridge door to remind you of the things you must do.”
The system worked fine. When the bridge players next assembled at the old lady’s home and she entered her kitchen, she saw her daughter’s note:
“Serve coffee and cakes.”
The woman followed the instructions. The next time she came to fetch a glass of water, she saw the note again and served her guests again. This scene was repeated for the third and fourth time. There were plenty of cakes and nobody really noticed being served several times, because the bridge partners were as forgetful as their host was.
Just as the guests were leaving, the daughter arrived.
“Did my mother serve you coffee and cakes?” – she asked.
“No,” – replied the friends. “She is becoming a miser in her old age. We were quite hungry, but we did not get anything.”
The daughter entered the apartment and asked her mother:
“Mummy, why didn’t you serve coffee and cakes to your friends?”
“Just imagine,” – answered the lady, – “nobody showed up.”
FOR OLD TIMES’ SAKE
On their 30-year anniversary, the Smiths decided to reenact their honeymoon. They went to the same hotel, got the same suite and as dinnertime came around, Mrs. Smith said:
“Darling, do you remember, 30 years ago we didn’t go down for dinner, but had it here in our room?”
Obediently, Mr. Smith went to the phone and asked Room Service to bring dinner to their room. But Mrs. Smith strove for even more authenticity:
“You remember honey, that on our first honeymoon, we ate our dinner stark naked?”
So, after the old waiter (the same they had 30 years ago!) wheeled in the laden trolley, set the table, lighted the candles and left their suite, both Smiths undressed and sat down to have their festive dinner. Mrs. Smith gushed with happiness and beamed at her husband:
“Isn’t everything the same as it was then? It seems that nothing has changed. I even feel the same warmth in my heart.”
Mr. Smith, poor soul, was less romantically inclined and answered:
“That warmth comes from your tits which hang into the soup, my dear.”
REGULAR AS CLOCKWORK
An elderly gent visited his physician and complained about having a bowel movement every morning exactly at 7 a.m. The good doctor was surprised at the complaint:
“You should be satisfied that at your age your bowels move so regularly.”
“It is all well,” – replied his patient – “trouble is, I usually wake up at about 8 a. m.”
IT IS HER TURN NOW
Looking pale and drawn, Brown came home from work shortly before noon. He dropped his briefcase near the entrance and fell on the bed exhausted. His wife came running out of the kitchen and putting her hand on his forehead to see whether he is feverish, anxiously inquired:
“What is the matter, darling? Are you sick?”
“Don’t ask!” – answered her husband. “The doctor told me, that I can no longer work and should not do anything tiring. From now on I must take it easy, sit in a comfortable armchair, read my paper and watch TV. As if I can! I am sick with worry about what is going to happen to us. What shall we do? Who will support us from now on?”
“I shall,” – said Mrs. Brown. “For 40 years you were the provider, now it is my turn.”
“But what work can you do at your age?”
“The one I have the most practice in. Just relax and let me worry about everything.”
That evening Mrs. Brown dressed up in her best clothes, put on a lot of makeup, placed a jug of lemonade at her husband’s elbow and left. She returned at dawn, bedraggled, with her make-up smeared all over her face and somewhat proudly, put $33.33 on the table. Brown was aghast:
“But honey, who was the insensitive son of a bitch who gave you 33 cents?”
“Everybody,” – sighed his wife wearily,
LOVE HAS NO LIMITS
The elderly couple met at a pensioners’ social evening and immediately took a fancy to each other. He invited her for a walk in the nearby park; they rested for a while behind some bushes, one thing followed another and soon they were proving that there is no age-limit to lovemaking.
The man was the first to recover and breathing heavily remarked:
“I did not know that at your age you would still be a virgin.”
“If I would have known that you can still get it up at your age,” – replied his date, – “I would have taken off my panties.”
TEMPERATE ZONE
After WWI, the border between the newly independent Polish state and Russia was being delineated. One day the demarcation committee reached a hut, that the borderline was about to go right through the middle of. In the hut lived an elderly couple and a member of the committee thought that it would be kind if they would ask them which country they want to belong to.
“If it is all the same to you, we would prefer to live in Poland,” - answered the old man.
“And why if we may ask?”
“We are old and feeble and the severe colds of those Russian winters would be hard for us to bear.”
GOOD FIT
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady A.: “What's that?”
Lady B.: “A condom.”
Lady A.: “Where'd you get it?”
Lady B.: “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day, Lady A. hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a package of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (after all, she was in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
“Doesn't matter,” – she replied, – “as long as it fits a Camel.”
CAUTIOUS
A group of scientists was investigating sexual activity at an advanced age. They were told of an old man who at the age of 100 years still brought home twice-weekly streetwalkers. If true, this was indeed a rare phenomena and worth looking into. A black lady scientist was so much intrigued that she volunteered to pick up the old geezer and find out his secret. The lady was young and handsome and the old gent readily swallowed the bait and took the scientist home and ravished her three times. After each session, he took a short nap, but asked the woman to hold his balls in her left hand and in her right his penis while he is asleep and not let go for even a second.
The lady scientist was enthusiastic about having made a sensational discovery, but for safety’s sake asked the old man if there is any connection between his unusual potency and the fact that his tool is held in somebody’s hand. Said the old man:
“Actually none. It’s just that the last black girl I took home, stole my purse.”
RECURRENCE
An 85-year-old man married a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband was so old, the woman decided that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She was concerned that the old fellow would overexert himself. After the festivities she prepared herself for bed and for the knock on the door she expected. Sure enough the knock came and there was her groom ready for action. They united in conjugal union and all went well whereupon he took his leave of her and she prepared to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there was a knock on the door and there was old guy again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consented to further coupling, which was again successful, after which the octogenarian bid her a fond good night and left.
She was certainly ready for slumber at this point and was close to sleep for the second time when there was another knock at the door and there he was again fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more. Once again they did the horizontal boogie. As they were lying in afterglow the young bride said to him:
“I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I’ve been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.”
The old guy looked puzzled, turned to her and said: “Was I already here?”
TELLING EVERYBODY!
An old man came into confession and said to the priest:
“Father, I'm 80 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, four kids and eleven grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice!”
“Well, my son, are you sorry for your sins?” – asked the priest.
“What sins?”
“What kind of a Catholic are you?
“I'm not Catholic, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“You kidding?”– grinned the geezer. “I'm telling everybody!”
BREAKFAST A LA FRESCO
After a long-lasting liaison, a couple became somehow separated. About 20 years later, when they met again, the old flame was rekindled and they decided to live together. The next morning, following a night of passionate lovemaking, the woman came to the breakfast table stark naked. Noticing the look on her mate’s face, she asked:
“Isn’t this the costume you always wanted me to wear?”
“Yes,” – responded her paramour, – “but you should have ironed it first.”
night light
Old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said:
“George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with God?”
George replied:
“I'm eating well and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I’m done *poof* the light goes off.”
“Wow!” - commented Dr. Smith. “That’s incredible!”
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife.
“Ethel,” - he said, - “George is doing fine. Physically he’s great. One thing though, I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?”
Ethel exclaimed:
“Oh, no! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
MISPLACED SEX DRIVE
“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” - said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.
“I know it,” - said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint - my sex drive is too high. Can you do anything for that, Doc?”
The doctor’s mouth dropped open.
“Your what?!” - he gasped.
“My sex drive,” - said the old man. “It’s too high and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”
“Lower it?!” - exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ’high’?”
“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” - said the old man - “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”
WHO’S CALLING?
An 80-year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn’t feeling well and went to her doctor. The doctor examined her and said: “Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you’re going to be a mother.”
“Get serious doctor, I’m 80.”
“I know,” - said the doctor. “This morning I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle.”
“I’ll be darned,” - she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.
“Hello,” - she heard his familiar halting voice. She screamed:
“You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!”
There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered:
“Who’s calling please?”
OIL CHANGE
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:
“This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”
He answered: “You have to keep that old motor running.”
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:
“You really are amazing. How do you do it?”
He again said: “You have to keep the old motor running.”
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:
“You must be quite a man.”
He responded: “You have to keep that old motor running.”
The nurse then said, “Well, it's high time you changed the oil. This one's black.”
NAVAL TERMINOLOGY
An old retired sailor put on his old uniform and headed once more for the docks, for old times sake. He engaged a prostitute and took her up to a room. He was soon going at it as well as he could for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, asked:
“How am I doing?”
The prostitute replied:
“Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” – he asked. “What's that supposed to mean?”
She said: “You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money-back!
SHARING
The little old man and lady walked slowly into McDonald’s that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what they were thinking:
“Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years, or more!”
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man took a bite of the hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking:
“That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Once again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
“Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?”
She answered:
“The teeth.”
SPEED LIMIT
A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said:
“Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What’s the problem?”
“Ma’am,”– the officer replied, – “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? I’m following the posted speed exactly!”
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error. Before letting her go, the officer asked:
“Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.”
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”
WOMAN AND BABY
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman:
“Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”
“Breast fed” – she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” – the doctor ordered.
She did. While the woman sat silently he pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a long while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said:
“No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.”
“Naturally,” – she said. “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.”
JEWISH SONGS
Mrs. Cohen, aged 84, and Mrs. Murphy, aged 85, were lifelong friends, but because each was also a bit old-fashioned, each chose to go to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long, however, before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said:
“Don't be holding back Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?”
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, Mrs. Cohen said:
“But the best thing of all is...now I have a boyfriend!”
Mrs. Murphy said:
“Saints be praised, now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it!”
Mrs. Cohen said:
“Well...after lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then on the bottom and then we sing Jewish songs. Oy, it's wonderful!”
Mrs. Murphy said:
“For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen!”
Mrs. Cohen said:
“And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy? You must tell me!”
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said:
“Good for you! So what do you do, you and the new boyfriend?”
Mrs. Murphy smiled and said:
“We go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top and then I let him touch me down below...”
Mrs. Cohen said:
“Yes, and then....?”
Mrs. Murphy said:
“Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck!”
YARD SALE
One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip I passed the same Nursing Home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," - he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale.
HONEST JOHN
Police Officer O'Leary was cruising around in his patrol car one night. He was on the lookout for trouble. He saw two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used car lot. The car lot was closed, so O'Leary drove up alongside the Chevy and asked:
"Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"
"Certainly not," – said one of the ladies, – "we purchased the car this afternoon."
"Well," – said the cop, – "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"
"We don't drive," – replied the other little old lady, – "and besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here, we would get screwed."
CURE ALL
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Bea," - he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" - pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," - she replied, - "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"
BROTHEL VISIT
An elderly man went into a brothel and told the madam that he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looked at the man and asked how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," - he said
"Ninety!" - commented the madam. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," - said the old man, - "how much do I owe you?"
THE RABBI’S ADVICE
An older Jewish gentleman married a younger lady and they were very much in love. However, no matter what the husband did sexually, the woman never achieved orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decided to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listened to their story, stroked his beard and made the following suggestion:
"Hire a good looking, strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife to fantasize and should bring the desired pleasure."
They went home and followed the rabbi's advice. They hired a handsome young man and he waved a towel over them as they made love. It didn't help and she remained unsatisfied. Perplexed, they went back to the rabbi.
"Okay", – said the rabbi to the husband, – "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they followed the rabbi's advice. The young man got into bed with the wife and the husband waved the towel. The young man got to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon had an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiled, looked at the young man and said to him triumphantly:
"You see, schmuck, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
FOR THE POSTERITY
When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered than a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly: "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow:
"I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for the posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
ITALIAN BREAD
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said:
“Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said:
"Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said:
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said:
"I want 5 loaves."
She said:
"My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"
He replied:
"Holy crap! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but ME....?!"
OLD AGE AND CUNNING
An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him:
"We're not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned:
"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said:
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.
HEARING AID
A man and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asked the lady:
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady:
"Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river and the elderly gentleman asked:
"Up or down?"
The woman replied:
"Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady:
"Up or down?"
She replied:
"Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked:
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied:
"Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."
HEARING AID II
A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates:
"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," - answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
KILLED BY THE BELL
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied:
“He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," - replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued:
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.”
FAIR SAMPLE
A senior citizen went in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor entered the examination room he said:
"I will need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turned to his wife and asked:
"What did he say?"
The wife yelled back to him:
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"
LYING
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hung over Bob's arm and listened intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club were all aghast. At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked:
"Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replied:
"Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continued to ask:
"So , how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age" - Bob replied.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiled and said:
"No, I told her I was 90."
PERJURY
Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week, or so, Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said:
"For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???"
Wally replied:
"I have been in jail."
"Jail???," - cried Max. "What in the world for???"
"Well," - Wally said, - "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah" - said MAX, - "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, an old geezer like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.
The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."
MISSING WIVES
Bill, age 20, and Sam, age 75, were pushing their carts around Home Depot, when they collided. Sam said to Bill:
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
Bill said:
"That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
Sam said:
"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
Bill answered:
"Well, she is 24, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
Sam replied:
"Doesn't matter ... let's look for yours."
ELIGIBLE
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asked:
"Are you a stranger here?"
He replied:
"I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," - he said.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said:
"I killed my wife."
"Oh!" - said the woman. "So you're single..."
MARRIAGE PROPOSAL
Two elderly people lived in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park,.he was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her:
"Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered:
"Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled:
"Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired:
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say:
"Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued:
"I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
DOCTOR'S ADVICE
Morris, a 93 year-old man, went to the doctor at The Trailer Estates Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said:
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,'" - Morris replied.
To which the doctor said:
"I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!'"
NEW ICE CREAM
A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly:
"Crushed nuts?"
"No," - he replied, - "arthritis!"
SPERM COUNT
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said:
“Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
“Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked! “
“You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied:
“Yep, none of us could get the jar open!!”
FOOTBALL WEDDING
Two guys were talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One said:
"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other said:
"Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asked:
"What's a football wedding?"
The other said:
"She's waiting for him to kick off!"
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly:
“Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could also fly.”
GOOD EXCUSE
A 87 years old woman convinced the traffic cop not to give her a ticket by claiming:
“I was in a hurry to get there, before I forget where I’m going!”
THREE OLD LADIES
Three little old ladies, Tillie, Maude and Gertrude, with their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude had a stroke.
Poor Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.......
UNIVERSITY STUDIES
An elderly woman registered for studies at the university. Her records were in order, she passed all entrance exams, but the Admissions representative was still curious and asked her:
“Tell me, why would a person of your age want to pursue academic studies?”
“It is not so much that I want to study, it is on account of my hubby. The old prick just loves to screw co-eds”.
WISE OLD MAN
A woman decided to have a face-lift and breast implants for her 40th
birthday. She spent $15,000 and felt pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stopped at a news stand to bought a newspaper. Before leaving, she said to the clerk:
“I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 22,” - is the reply.
“Nope! I'm exactly 40,” - the woman said happily.
A little while later she went into McDonald's and asked the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replied: “I'd guess about 24.”
The woman replied with a big smile: “Nope, I'm 40.”
Now she was feeling really good about herself. She stopped in a drug store on her way down the street. She went up to the counter to get some mints and asked the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responded: “Oh, I'd say 23.”
Again she proudly responded: “'I'm 40, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asked an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replied:
“Lady, I'm 78, an old ex sailor and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They waited in silence on the empty street until her curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurted out: “What the hell, go ahead!”
He slipped both of his hands under her blouse and began to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounced and weighed each breast and gently pinched each nipple. He pushed her breasts together and rubbed them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she said: “Okay, okay....How old am I?”
He completed one last squeeze of her breasts, removed his hands and said:
“Madam, you are 40.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman said: “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
The old man said: “Promise you won't get mad?”
“I promise I won't” - she said.
“I was behind you at McDonalds."
NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had
married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old
neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their
old school. It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk
they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally ."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure
what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -
fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said: "We've got to give it back."
Sally said: "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking
for the money, and knocked on their door.
"Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said: "No".
Andy said: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic”.
Sally said: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile".
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the
story from the beginning."
Andy said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "We're outta here!"
Brief ones:
* The physician’s advice to the elderly gent who complained that his much older neighbor boasted to everybody that he has intercourse with his wife three times weekly:
“You can say it too!”
* Question:
“What in your opinion is the main reason you reached the ripe old age of 100?”
Answer:
“The main reason is that I was born in 1901.”
* Question:
“Is your wife still so beautiful?”
Answer:
“She is, but it takes her half-an-hour more.”
ON THE FARM
NO PROBLEM
Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in the cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull mounting one of his heifers. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear:
“Mabel, I sure wouldn’t mind doing a bit of that.”
“Well then, why don't you?”– Mabel whispered back. “It is your heifer.”
IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD
A tourist group visited a model dairy farm, renowned for its advanced systems. The agronomist showed them around and when they reached the cow-shed, proudly introduced their mighty bull:
“This is our multi-decorated prize-bull. He performs his duties twice daily and has sired many fine, high yield cows...”
“Did you hear that Fritz,” – said one of a the ladies – “that bull does it twice a day!”
“Yea,” – replied her husband nonchalantly – “but with a different cow each time.”
ON THE ROAD
On a deserted country road, a student stopped a farmer in a horse-drawn buggy:
“Tell me please, is it far to the nearest town?”
“Not very far.”
“Can you give me a lift?”
“Sure.”
The buggy advanced in its slow way along the bumpy road. An hour passed then another couple of hours. The student nodded off and when he woke up, they still were in the middle of nowhere. Finally he spoke up:
“Tell me, is it still far to the town?”
“It sure is now.”
COUP OF GRACE
Farmer Joe decided that his injuries from an accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning the farmer:
“Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I'm fine’?” - asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded:
“Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...”
“I didn't ask for any details,” - the lawyer interrupted, - “just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident 'I'm fine'?”
Farmer Joe said:
“Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...”
The lawyer interrupted again and said:
“Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact, that at the scene of the accident this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks later he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer:
“I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded:
“Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said: ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are YOU feeling?’”
POLYGLOT
The guest at the outlying homestead presented himself as a famous sorcerer who understands the language of animals. The farmer was dubious, so he took the man out to the farmyard and asked him to prove his statement. Just then the cow mewed.
“So what has my cow ‘said’?” – asked the farmer.
“It said, that it hasn’t been milked today and its udder is almost bursting.”
“That’s right,” – said the farmer – “I forgot to milk the poor beast today.”
But still he was unconvinced. At that moment the horse neighed.
“And what was it that my horse said?” – queried the farmer.
“That it has a splinter in its hoof and it’s in great pain.”
The farmer examined the horse’s hoof and removed a great splinter from it. Now he no longer doubted that the magician really understands the language of the animals. Suddenly the bleating of the goat was heard.
“Don’t you go and believe a word of what it says!” – shouted the farmer in alarm.
THE IDIOT
The seasonal laborer’s old jalopy broke down in the middle of nowhere, just as night was falling. Luckily enough, he saw a small house on top of one of the distant hills, but it was pitch dark when he reached it. He knocked repeatedly and when at last a sleepy-eyed man opened the door, the laborer told him of his car-trouble and asked if he could stay overnight.
“We will gladly have you,” - answered the farmer, - “but ours is a small house and we only have two rooms. I sleep with my wife in one room, so you can either sleep in the other room with our baby, or in the stable. There is some fresh hay in there, so it will be soft and smell good.”
The traveler was tired and did not want risk sleeping with a baby, whose crying would keep him awake most of the night, so he chose the stable. In the morning, after a wonderfully restful night, he was washing up at the well, when a beautiful, young maiden emerged from the house.
“Who are you?” - asked the stranger.
“I am Baby,” - answered the girl. “And who might you be?”
“I am an idiot.”
In Eastern European anecdotes, Aristid and Tasilo are the names of two characters, personifying typical pre-World War II noblemen – foolish, lazy and conceited, of no use to the society.
DO IT YOURSELF
Aristid and Tasilo owned a cattle-farm. They made a nice living selling milk, producing dairy products and selling male calves for meat. One day, during a big fire, their stable burned down and all their cattle perished. Aristid became very dejected.
“What are we going to do?” - he wailed. “Where will our livelihood come from?”
“Don’t worry,” - consoled him Tasilo. “A small shed, with one calf, was not destroyed. We shall take the calf to be bred, it will have calves, which in turn will be inseminated and soon enough we will have a big herd.”
Aristid perked up a little. They took the calf to the village and asked one of the peasants:
“How much do you charge for having your bull mount our heifer.”
“Just $200,” - replied the peasant.
“Don’t you think that it is too much?” - asked Tasilo.
The owner of the bull retorted angrily:
“If you don’t like the price, maybe you should do it yourself.”
Both Aristid and Tasilo found this to be a capital idea. They returned to their farm and threw a coin to decide who will perform the deed. It turned out, that Tasilo was the man. He took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and entered the shed. For a while only muffled bangs, crashes and clangs were heard from the inside and then Tasilo reemerged, breathing heavily, with torn clothing and bleeding from several scratches.
“What on Earth happened to you?” - asked Aristid in astonishment.
“Do you know how difficult it is to flip a cow on its back?”
WHO’S WHO
A zebra from the big city zoo visited the farm. It was the first time in its life that he was out in the countryside and he was curious about everything. First he visited the barnyard and on seeing a bird-like creature, scratching in the dirt, asked:
“Who are you?”
“I am a hen,” - came the answer.
“And what do you do?”
“I lay eggs.”
Next he reached the stables and encountered a four-legged animal, peacefully chewing some oats.
“Who are you?” - asked the zebra.
“I am a horse.”
“And what do you do?”
“I draw the cart.”
Near the cowshed, penned in a fenced enclosure, the zebra beheld another mighty four-legged animal, glaring furiously out of red-rimmed eyes at the intruder.
“And who might you be?” - asked the frightened visitor.
“I am the bull.”
“And what do you do?”
“Take off your fancy pajamas and I will show you.”
RANDY
This farmer had about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wanted chicks. So, he went down the road to the next farmer and asked if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer said:
“Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer decided he'd be worth it. So, he bought Randy. The farmer took Randy home and set him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk first.
“Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun.”
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nailed every hen in the hen house three, or four times, and the farmer was really shocked. After that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy was in there. Later, the farmer saw Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He got all the geese.
By sunset he saw Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer was distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. The farmer went to bed and waked up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shook his head and said:
“Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.”
Randy opened one eye, nodded toward the buzzards circling in the sky and said:
“Shhh, they're getting closer!”
THE HALF WIT
A man owned a small farm in Indiana. The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," - demanded the agent.
"Well," - replied the farmer, - "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit, who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," - said the agent.
"That would be me," - replied the farmer.
Brief one:
* Question:
“How does a shepherd find a sheep in tall grass?”
Answer:
“Very satisfying.”
OUT OF AFRICA
TRIBAL CUSTOM
An anthropologist arrived at an out-of-the-way tribe in Africa and was astonished to discover that solely men inhabited the village.
“Where are your wives?” - asked the researcher. “Do you live without women?”
“Not at all,”- answered one of the tribesmen, - “but as required by tradition, every six months our females take the cattle to the mountain pastures and return to the village only after another six months.”
“A very interesting habit,”- remarked the anthropologist politely, - “but tell me, how do you manage without female companionship so long?”
“We keep some sheep in a pen nearby and if somebody feels the urge, they always can accommodate him.”
The research at the tribe took longer than expected and after a few months without a female around, the anthropologist became restless. One evening, when it seemed that nobody was nearby, he sneaked into the pen and started copulating with one of the sheep. Suddenly he heard stifled laughter behind him. When he turned around, he saw that most of the tribes’ members were standing on the sidelines watching his performance and openly snickering.
“What is the matter?” - asked the embarrassed scientist. “Didn’t not you tell me, that when your wives are away you do it with the sheep?”
“Of course we do,” - answered one of the tribesmen, - “what we don’t understand is why you chose the ugliest ewe.”
THIRD WORLD ENCOUNTER
A boy and his father, visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father:
“What is this, Father?”
The father responded:
“Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!”
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and out stepped a voluptuous 24-year old woman. The father said to his son:
“Go get your mother.”
TRADITIONALLY-MINDED
Food-stocks at the cannibal village were getting dangerously low and led by the village elder, a posse of young males set out to forage for food. After searching in vain for several hours, the hunters came at the beach across two shipwrecked girls, washed ashore on the island. They were hungry, but not that hungry! After all they could always catch some game. These were fresh and beautiful girls, even by cannibal standards and it would be a waste to use them as food. So the village elder confronted the girls with a proposal:
“You have two choices. In accordance with our ancient tradition, you can either have nick-nick with a chosen group of our young and potent males and bear their offspring, or have the honor of becoming the main course tonight at the thanksgiving dinner to our merciful God.”
The girls were brought up in a convent and until then the thought of participating in group-sex with a bunch of primitives had never crossed their minds. Still, one of them was a practical type and had no difficulty in deciding, that being nick-nicked by some muscle-bound, even if unwashed hunk, was much more preferable, to being devoured by the ravenous tribesmen, but her comrade told the village-elder, that she preferred death over dishonor. The elder was not too unhappy over her decision. He was quite old and would much rather have a full stomach, than satisfy his more basic instincts, but tradition had to be upheld and so he told the girl:
“I assure you that you will always be remembered as the best dish we ever had, but in accordance with our ancient tradition and so that you will not go into the pot too sadly, you will be privileged and have first some nick-nick with some of our young and potent males.”
TEACHING ENGLISH
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he took the chief for a walk in the forest. He pointed to a tree and said to the chief:
"This is a tree."
The chief looked at the tree and grunted: "Tree."
The Priest was pleased with the response. They walked a little further and he pointed to a rock and said:
"This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looked and grunted: "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he heard a rustling in the bushes. As they peeked over the top, he saw a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest was really flustered and quickly responded:
"Man riding a bike."
The chief looked at the couple briefly, pulled out his blowgun and killed them.
The Priest went ballistic and yelled at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied: "My bike."
ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the roads when riding somebody else's bicycle.
PARENTING
IRONCLAD
Like all doting parents the Smiths were worried sick about their daughter’s first date. They instructed her to be at home at exactly 11 p.m. and as an added measure, they made her wear panties made of tin foil. When the girl didn’t show up at the specified hour, her apprehensive folks went searching for her. After checking all the obvious places, nearby cafés, park benches, dark doorways, they finally reached a kiosk at the edge of a small wooded area and asked the owner if he has seen a young girl and boy.
“This is the hour of lovers and many youngsters pass by,” - answered the proprietor. “Can you give me a more precise description?”
“The young man looks like a hooligan,” - answered the parents - “whereas the girl has long blonde hair and an innocent-looking face.”
“I saw several couples fitting this description. Does she have any distinctive markings?”
“She does indeed. A metallic sound is heard, when she walks.”
“Now that you mention it, a while ago a pair of young people were here. They seemed to be in an awful hurry and asked for a tin-opener.”
MODEL PARENT
A man pushing a cart, which contained a screaming, bellowing baby was seen in the supermarket. The gentleman kept repeating softly:
“Don't get excited, Albert. Don't scream, Albert. Don’t yell, Albert. Keep calm, Albert.”
A woman standing next to him said:
“You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert.”
The man looked at her and said:
“Lady, I'm Albert.”
FREE WILL
On the eve of his son’s departure to study at a university abroad, the anxious father asked:
“You will write often, won’t you son?”
“Of course I will Dad, but from time to time you can send some money on your own volition.”
OUTSPOKEN GUYS
A woman with an infant in her arms got on the bus. As she passed the driver, he exclaimed:
“My God, that child is ugly. Is it yours?”
The woman didn’t reply and proceeded angrily to an empty seat. She was still fuming and held on to seat’s support as if it were the driver’s neck. A well-dressed gentleman in the seat next to her, asked:
“My dear lady, what happened over there? May I be of assistance?”
“That impudent bastard at the wheel insulted me.”
“You should complain to his superiors. It’s outrageous how public employees behave these days.”
“A good idea. I’ll go and ask for his name.”
“Go on. Shall I keep an eye on the monkey meanwhile?”
SOUND MIND
The relatives of the rich widow assembled at the family lawyer's office for the reading of her will.
“Being of sound mind,” – read the attorney, – “I spent every last cent before I died.”
NOT ENLIGHTENED
The conservative parents did not enlighten their daughter about the facts of life. They presumed that nature would have its way and when her time came, she would just instinctively follow her husband’s lead. The day after the daughter’s wedding, in the early morning hours, the doorbell rang long and hysterically at the family’s home. When the mother opened the door, there stood her puffy eyed and distraught daughter.
“What happened, dearest?” – asked the worried mother.
“I left that no-good jerk. You can't imagine what a disgusting thing he wanted to do to me!”
TRY AGAIN
A twenty-one-year-old girl told her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother went to the drugstore and bought a test kit. The test result showed that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother said:
"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picked up the phone and made a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stopped in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, stepped out of the car and entered the house. He sat in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl and told them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll provide support. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him:
"Then you try again."
POLITICAL JOKES
Political jokes can usually be recycled again and again, replacing their protagonist’s names with those of current political personalities. I am certain that this will not happen to the following story:
SMALL DISADVANTAGE
The post of the Chief Rabbi at the Great Moscow Synagogue became vacant. The ruling Communist Party always maintained that there is freedom of religion in the USSR and the synagogue in the capital was a showcase to prove it. Therefore, the chief rabbi had to be a reliable person. Brezhnev ordered the KGB Chief to find for the job a man who was both a good Communist and well-versed in Jewish theology. After a few days the Chief reported that he had found someone, who is a loyal Communist Party member, however Jewish religious knowledge is not one of his strong points. Brezhnev rejected the candidate and repeated that someone with both qualifications must be found. Another week had passed and the KGB Chief came up with another contestant:
“He is well qualified in Jewish religious matters, however he is not a very good Communist.”
This candidate too was not accepted and Brezhnev charged the KGB man to go on looking for someone equally strong in both categories. Not long afterwards, the Chief informed his boss that at last he has located someone who is both a long-standing and faithful member of the Party and a real expert on anything that is Jewish.
“He has a handicap though” - remarked the KGB functionary.
“And what is that?” - demanded Brezhnev.
“He is Jewish!”
DARING GUYS
Ivan and Joe were having a beer in the pub. Said Joe:
“Ours is a wonderful country, Ivan. It is so democratic, that once I spit on the President’s car and nothing happened to me.”
“That’s nothing! I once took a shit in Red Square.”
After a few more beers Joe spoke up again:
“I must confess, that when I spit on the President’s car, it was empty.”
“Then I must confess also, that when I took a shit in Red Square I didn’t take off my pants.”
GOOD OLD PAYOLA
In the old USSR two American tourists met in the lobby of the luxurious “Moscow” Hotel.
“How was your tour?” - asked one.
“Absolutely ghastly,” - replied the other. “Last night, we went to the ‘Bolshoi Ballet’, but my seat was at the end of the last row and I hardly saw anything. I heard about the terrific fur bargains at the ‘Gum’ Department Store, but when I got there this morning they told me they had so many tourists this week, that they are completely out of furs. Then we went to the Lenin mausoleum, but after forty-five minutes of waiting in line in freezing weather, I just gave up and returned to the hotel. And how did you enjoy your tour?”
“Oh, it was absolutely fabulous!” - said the first tourist. “You would not believe what a little grease gets you around these parts. For a few bills one of the bellboys got me a ticket to the first row of the ‘Bolshoi’. I also went to the ‘Gum’, gave one of the salesmen five bucks and I had my pick of any of dozen magnificent furs, for half the price it would have cost me back home. When I got to the mausoleum and saw the long lines, I gave three bucks to each of the fours guards at the entrance and they brought Lenin out to me.”
KEY CHARACTER
Rabinovits applied for an exit visa from the Soviet Union. He was ordered to come to the Emigration Office:
“You have a big apartment and a good job. Why do you want to emigrate to Israel?”
“I wouldn’t mind staying, but my wife wants to go.”
“You’re a man. Can’t you change your wife’s mind?”
“I could, but her parents want to leave too.”
“Let them go and you can stay.”
“Regretfully, I’m unable. I’m the only Jew in the family.”
YOU CANNOT BEAT THE SYSTEM
In communist Poland a Page One news item in the Party organ advised, that a long-awaited shipment of flour had arrived and there would be fresh bread the next day. In the early morning hours a long line has formed in front of the bakery.
The baker was also waiting inside his shop. At about 7 o’clock when he saw that the delivery-truck had not arrived yet, he opened the door and called out:
“It seems there will not be enough bread for everyone. All the Jews should go home!”
A few left. At 8 o’clock, the baker came out again and shouted:
“There’re still too many left. All who are not Party members may go home!”
Now the crowd diminished considerably. At 10 o’clock, the baker emerged once more:
“There will be bread only for families with small children. The rest need not wait any longer.”
Now only a few dozen women were left in the queue. At 11:30, the baker appeared again and announced:
“I am sorry, but there will not be any bread today. Apparently, the flour was stale.”
Slowly the women dispersed. One of them remarked:
“Look at the bloody Jews, they got home and are warming their fat butts since hours ago.”
POLITICS
A little boy went to his dad and asked him, what is Politics. Dad said:
“Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We're both here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny...we'll consider her the Working Class and your baby brother, I’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that, see if it makes sense.”
So the little boy went off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he heard his baby brother crying, so he got up to check on him. He found that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeked in the keyhole and saw his father in bed with the nanny. He gave up and went back to bed. The next morning, the little boy said to his father:
“Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father said:
“Good, son. Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
“Well,” – replied the little boy – “while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”
DON’T CONFUSE ME WITH FACTS
At the Faculty of Architecture at the Moscow University, the professor was telling his class about the new worker-flats in the Housing Project on the outskirts of Leningrad. One of the students raised his finger. The professor consulted the place-chart on his table and then said impatiently:
“Yes, Comrade Dimitri Ivanovits, what is it?”
“I have just returned from a visit with my family in Leningrad and I saw not a single new house being built anywhere.”
“You see Comrades what happens, when someone keeps loitering on the streets, instead of studying in his room.”
This joke has probably been retold countless of times, always substituting the current politicians’ names. So let’s not use any names this time.
EXECUTIVE MISCHIEF
On a bright winter morning, as the President went out jogging, he was surprised to see his name spelled out in piss in the fresh snow. He was furious. After all, wasn’t he the President of the United States? He rushed back to the White House and ordered the FBI Chief to find the culprit promptly. After a few days, the FBI Chief reported back and announced to his Head of State that he had both good news and bad news.
“Give me the good news first,” - said the President. “Did you get the bastard?”
“Piece of cake! An analysis of the urine showed it was that of the Vice President.”
“If these are the good news, then for Heaven’s sake, what are the bad ones?” - demanded the President in exasperation
“The handwriting is that of your wife’s, Mr. President”.
NOT CRAZY
At the Soviet Emigration Office:
“What are your reasons for requesting an Emigration Permit?”
“My uncle in Canada has become totally deaf and cannot manage on his own.”
“Hmm. And why doesn’t your uncle come here to live with you?”
“He is just deaf, not crazy.”
NOT DISCRIMINATING
On one of his visits to the States, former Israeli Prime Minister Shamir, known for his love of seafood, entered a restaurant.
“Do you serve shrimps?” - he asked.
“We serve anybody, Sir,” - answered the waiter.
HE HAD IT COMING
Brezhnev, former Soviet Union head of state and Party chief loved fast American cars and at every opportunity, took the wheel from his driver and drove recklessly on the pot-holed Russian roads. Driving through a kolkhoz one day, his car hit a dog. Afraid of the owner’s reaction, Brezhnev sent his driver into the nearby peasants’ hut, to apologize about the accident and offer compensation.
After several minutes, the driver came out, with a satisfied smile on his face.
“What happened?” - Brezhnev queried. “Did you tell them?”
“I told them that I am Brezhnev’s driver and we accidentally killed the dog. For some reason they all looked very happy, laughed, slapped me on the back and offered me some vodka to drink.”
PREFERENCES
So this Jewish boy came home and told his mother he is going to get married. His mother asked what her name was.
“Monica Lewinsky” – the son said..
The mother then said:
“And what happened to that nice black girl you were dating?”
SHE ALWAYS HAS THE LAST WORD
The President and the First Lady were out in their car when they stopped by a gas station. There are certain needs, which even people in their exalted position cannot disregard. When the Prez returned from the washroom, he overheard the attendant addressing his spouse by her first name and as they were driving away, both waved to each other in a friendly way.
“Who was that guy?” – demanded the Chief of State.
“Oh, just someone I used to date before I met you,” – replied his wife nonchalantly.
“Then you are lucky you met me. You could be married now to a gas-station attendant.”
“Or maybe, he would be the President of the US.”
THERE IS A GOD AFTER ALL
Presidents Bush, Gorbachev and Israeli Premier Shamir were summoned to Heavens for a midnight briefing. When they appeared before the Almighty, he informed them of the imminent end of the world. That night Bush appeared on a coast-to-coast broadcast and announced to the American people that he has both good news and bad news:
“The good news is, that there is a God in Heavens. The bad news is, that the world is coming to an end.”
Gorbachev too, appeared in a broadcast transmitted all over the USSR and told the Soviet people that he has learned of some bad and some good news.
“The bad news is, that there is a God after all. The good news is, that I learned of the imminent demise of the capitalist world.”
Shamir appeared on Israeli TV beaming gleefully and proclaimed to his people, that he has two pieces of good news:
“The first is that God exists and watches over his people; the second item is, that we can rest assured, there will be no Palestinian State ever.”
BLESS YOU!
It was a cold day and one of the passengers on the crowded train to Moscow sneezed. The man seated in the corner, whose leather-coat and short boots gave him away as belonging to the security-police, raised his head from his “Pravda” newspaper and in a loud and booming voice asked:
“Which of you comrades sneezed?”
All conversation ceased and everyone held their breath, waiting for the culprit to identify himself. When nobody answered, the KGB man repeated his query:
“I am asking again, who sneezed?’
A pale, thin fellow at the back of the crowd raised his hand hesitatingly:
“I did. I have a bad cold.”
“Gesundheit, tovarisch!” - said the KGB man and returned to his paper.
RETIREMENT PLANS
At the dinner table the Ambassador’s wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.
“Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?”
“A penis,” - replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:
“Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, ‘appiness!”
THANKS WHOM?
In communist Poland there was a long queue before the bakery. It was bitterly cold and people were complaining, when the delivery-truck finally arrived.
“Thank God!” - sighed a woman.
“In our country, “ - said a Russian standing behind her, - “they would say: Thank Stalin!”
Queried the Pole:
“And when one sad day ‘The Father of the Nation’ - one shudders even at the thought, but after all he is human too - passes away, what will they say in Russia?”
“Thank God!”
PIGS
President Clinton arrived back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He stepped out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, the Marine guard sharply saluted him as usual.
Clinton said:
“I'd like to salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full.”
The Marine replied:
“Yes Sir! Mighty fine pigs, Sir!”
President Clinton responded:
“These aren't just ordinary pigs, Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!”
The Marine replied:
“Yes Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!”
The President then responded:
“I got this one for Hillary and this one for Chelsea.”
The Marine guard then replied:
“Yes Sir! GOOD trade, Sir!”
QUALITY COUNTS
At the Soviet War College, the guest lecturer, a general, told the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class began by asking the first question:
“Will we have to fight in a World War Three?”
“Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will,” - answered the general.
“And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?” - another officer asked.
“In all likelihood it will be China.”
The class looked alarmed and finally one officer asked:
“But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?”
“Well,” - replied the general, - “think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs and the Jews have been the winners every time.”
“But sir,” - asked the panicky officers, - “do we have enough Jews?”
ROYAL MANNERS
At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they then boarded an open 17th century coach pulled by six magnificent white matching horses.
They rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. So far everything was going well. Suddenly the right rear horse let fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, so powerful that it shook the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two Dignitaries of State did their best to ignore the incident. But, embarrassed, the Queen decided it’s impossible to ignore it.
"Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control."
Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replied:
"Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses.”
MOSES
George W. Bush Jr. was in an airport lobby and noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George Bush approached the man and inquired:
"Aren't you Moses?"
The man ignored George and stared at the ceiling. George Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again:
"Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?”
The man finally responded in an irritated voice:
"Yes I am".
George asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied:
"The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert".
Gators
Two alligators were sitting in the swamp talking. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said:
"I cain't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't gert it."
"Well," - said the big 'gator, - what you been eatin' boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," - replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" - said the big alligator, - "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase.
DINNER AT THE WHITE HOUSE
Israeli leader Ehoud Olmert came to Washington for meetings with George W. For the State Dinner Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal prepared in honor of their guest. At the dinner that night, the first course was served and it is Matzoh Ball Soup. George W. looked at the soup and after learning what it is called, told an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.
The aide said that Mr. Olmert will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all he ate a sheep's eye in honor of his Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowered his spoon into the bowl and retrieved a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitated, swallowed, and a grin appeared on his face. He found he really liked it, digged right in and finished the whole bowl.
“That was delicious," - he said to Olmert. "Do Jewish people eat any other part of the matzoh, or just the balls?"
THE PREACHER’S SON
An old country preacher had a teenage son and it was getting time for the boy to give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible
A silver dollar
A bottle of whisky
A Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door", - the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.”
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired t his month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy." - the old preacher disgustedly whispered, - "he's gonna run for Congress."
CAMPAIGNING
While walking down the street one day a US senator was tragically hit by a truck and died. His soul arrived in heaven and was met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” - said St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,”- said the man.
“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” – said the senator.
“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors opened and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance was a clubhouse and standing in front of it were all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone was very happy and in evening dress. They ran to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present was the devil, who really was a very friendly guy who had a good time dancing and telling jokes. They were having such a good time that before he realized it, it was time to go. Everyone gave him a hearty farewell and waved while the elevator rose. The elevator went up, up, up and the door reopened on heaven where St. Peter was waiting for him.
“Now it's time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours passed with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They had a good time and, before he realized it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returned.
“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflected for a minute, then answered:
“Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorted him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors of the elevator opened and he was in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He saw all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash fell from above. The devil came over to him and put his arm around his shoulder.
“I don't understand,” - stammered the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looked at him, smiled and said:
“Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”
Brief ones:
* Question:
“Why did the dentists in the USSR extract their patient’s teeth through their noses?”
Answer:
“People were afraid to open their mouths.”
PRANKS
MARY AND FRED
Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went back to mum and
dad for the night. In the morning, little Johnny got up and had his breakfast. As he was going out of the door to go to school, he asked his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replied:
"No".
Johnny asked:
"Do you know what I think?"
His mum replied:
"Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny came home for lunch and asked his mum:
"Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replied:
"No".
Johnny said:
"Do you know what I think?"
His mum replied:
"Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, he came home and asked:
"Is Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum said:
"No."
Johnny asked:
"Do you know what I think?"
His mum replied:
"OK! What do you think?"
He said:
"Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
PREPOSTEROUS STORIES
BRAGGER
Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day:
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone and I know him."
Tired of Goldberg’s boasting, the boss called his bluff:
"OK, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So Goldberg and his boss flew out to Hollywood, knocked on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough Tom Cruise shouted:
"Goldberg! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Goldberg's boss was still skeptical. After they left Cruise's house, he told Goldberg that he thought Goldberg's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," – Goldberg said.
"President Bush," – his boss quickly retorted.
"Yes," – Goldberg said, – "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they went. At the White House, Bush spotted Goldberg on the tour and motioned him and his boss over, saying:
"Goldberg, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in.
Let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss was very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they left the White House grounds, he expressed his doubts to Goldberg, who again implored him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," – his boss replied.
"Sure!" – said Goldberg. "I've known the Pope for a long time."
So off they flew to Rome. Goldberg and his boss were assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Goldberg said:
"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappeared into the crowd, headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg emerged with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time he returned, he found that his boss has had a heart attack and was surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side,
Goldberg asked him:
"What happened?"
His boss looked up and said:
"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked: ‘”Who's that on the balcony with Goldberg?’"
GOOD EXCUSE
It was the first weekend’s pass that the newly enlisted men in boot camp received and they were told by the platoon sergeant to be back on Sunday, at midnight sharp. Most of the soldiers made it, but some were still missing by 12 o’clock. The first latecomer arrived at about 12:20. When asked by the platoon sergeant for the reason of his tardiness, the man explained that there were no taxis available and he had to hire a horse-drawn buggy. Even this slow means of transportation would have brought him to the base in time for the curfew, but suddenly the horse dropped dead and he had to walk the rest of way.
“It may be a lie, but at least it is an original one,” – thought the platoon sergeant and with a warning to the soldier, let it go at that. About 10 minutes later, a second latecomer staggered in. He had a similar story to tell. He also had trouble finding a taxi, hired a horse-drawn cart and his horse too had fallen by the wayside. A strange coincidence, thought the platoon sergeant, but again let the soldier go with a reprimand. It was only when the third soldier also had the same excuse that he got mad and decided to punish the last soldier if he did not have a better excuse. It was close to 1 a.m. when that one put in an appearance and before he even managed to utter a word, the platoon sergeant asked him with heavy sarcasm:
“You also came by horse and wagon?”
“Who gave you such a preposterous idea?” - protested the surprised soldier. “I came by taxi of course.”
“So why are you so late?”
“You would not believe what happened! I never saw such a thing in my life, the whole road was strewn with dead horses and the taxi just could not get through.”
BAD CUT
| |
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded:
“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We're taking Continental,” - was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“Continental?” - exclaimed the barber. “That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We'll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That's rich,” - laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” - explained the man, - “not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” - muttered the barber, - “I know you didn't get to see the pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet personally some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” - asked the barber. “What'd he say?”
“Not much really. He just said: ‘Where'd you get that lousy haircut?!’”
SALESMEN
YOU EITHER HAVE IT, OR YOU DON’T
All traveling salesmen used to meet in the same compartment on the train and there - over a few beers, play cards, swaps stories and pass the long hours of the journey. One day a young, new salesman came on the train and asked permission to join his peers. He did not as yet dare join the conversation and was just listening to his elder and more experienced colleagues, in the hope of learning something. Suddenly he heard one of them say:
“You remember that fabulous one, ‘9’?” - and saw to his astonishment, that most of the salesmen burst out laughing. After a while, another said:
“And what about ‘27’?” - this time everybody started guffawing, slapping their knees, holding their sides and wiping their tears. One guy in the corner tried to trump the previous teller and said:
“That is nothing! Listen to this: ‘13’,” - but this time, hardly anyone smiled.
His curiosity aroused, the young salesman whispered to the man next to him:
“Can you tell me please what do all those numbers mean and why is everybody laughing?”
His neighbor smiled understandingly and replied:
“We have been traveling so many years together that by now we know each others’ jokes by heart. So, instead of retelling them over and over, we numbered them. Now it is enough for someone to mention a number, to get us all laughing.”
(End of Joke One)
The young man found that this was a capital idea and asked for a list of all the jokes with their numbers, so that at their next meeting, he too could participate in the joke-telling ritual. He made a great concentrated effort to memorize the list by his next journey and indeed had it down pat when he came on the train. As soon as everybody was seated, beer in hand, the young man exclaimed:
“Gentlemen, do you remember ‘32’?”
To his great disappointment, the faces of the assembled men remained serious. Nobody even smiled.
“Well,” - thought the young man to himself. “It is not such a hot item anyway. To warm up the atmosphere, I should have started off with the best one of the lot.”
“And what about ‘19’?” - he continued.
An embarrassing silence ensued. After a while somebody remarked:
“My son, it is not enough to recognize a joke. You must know how to tell it!”
EXCELLENT SALESMANSHIP
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the country - you could get anything there. The boss asked him:
“Have you ever been a salesman before?”
“Yes, I was a salesman in my hometown,” - said the lad.
The boss liked him and said:
“You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up.”
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly showed up and asked:
“How many sales did you make today?”
“One,” - said the young salesman.
“Only one?” - blurted the boss, - “most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”
“Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars,” - said the young man.
“How did you manage that?” - asked the flabbergasted boss.
“Well,” - said the salesman - “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his car probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Land Cruiser.”
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment:
“You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”
“No,” - answered the salesman. “Actually, he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, ‘Sounds like the weekend is a loss, so you may as well go fishing.’”
MAN’S BEST FRIEND
Said the salesman to his boss:
“I’m happy to report that I managed to sell that expensive suit we had in stock for ages..”
“You don’t say! That blue-pink double-breasted hideous outfit?
“Yeah, that’s the one.”
“Well done. I was afraid that we’d be stuck forever with that monstrosity. But what happened to your hand?”
“The customer seemed quite happy, but his seeing-eye dog almost killed me.”
Cough syrup
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had just about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in, coughing fiercely and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob’s warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost. The owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask what had transpired.
“He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,” – John explained.
“Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough!” – Bob shouted angrily.
“Sure it will,” – John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”
SIMPLETONS (POLICEMEN & OTHERS)
THE SOUND OF ONE HAND CLAPPING
While her husband was at work, the policeman’s wife was entertaining three men simultaneously. Unexpectedly, she heard his car in the driveway. At a loss as what to do at such short notice, she hid the men in some sacks in the kitchen. As her husband went to the fridge to get some cold beer, he noticed the sacks. He kicked the first one:
“Meow,” - a plaintive mewing was heard from the sack.
“Hmmm, my wife probably bought a cat.”
He kicked the second sack.
“Woof-woof,” - a gruff barking was heard from the sack.
“Oh, I see that she also bought a dog.”
The policeman kicked the third sack. Nothing. He kicked it again. Still nothing. As he kicked it for the third time, the man in the sack shouted desperately:
“Potatoes, you moron, potatoes!”
(DON’T) CHERCHEZ LA FEMME
Two construction workers shared a shady corner during their lunch-break. One of them opened his lunch pail, checked the top sandwich and uttered with disgust:
“Damn, peanut butter again!”
Chucking the offensive food into the nearby wastebasket, he opened his second sandwich, found that it contained tuna and started munching away contentedly. His mate watched with amazement. When his lunch companion threw away his second peanut-butter sandwich, he could no longer restrain himself and burst out:
“Tell me, how long have you been married?”
“20 years,” - answered his finicky colleague.
“And after so many years,” - continued his lunch companion - “your wife still doesn’t know that you hate peanut butter?”
“Leave my wife out of it! I prepared those sandwiches myself.”
CUCKOO’S NEST
“You know, my son is a complete nitwit.”
“How can you say such a thing? He’s a nice kid.”
“O.K., pay attention! Jimmy, go down to the bus station and see if I’m there.”
Ten minutes later the child came back, panting after his run:
“You are not there Dad.”
“You see what a dimwit he is.”
“Indeed…He could’ve seen from the window that you are not there.”
CROSSED WIRES
Two policemen walked their beat in the East-European capital. One of them suggested:
“Don’t you think it would be wise if we learned a foreign language?”
Hardly had he finished speaking, when a big American car stopped near them. A man leaned out of the window and asked:
“Do you speak English?”
Both policemen shook their heads in negation.
The man tried again:
“Sprechen Sie Deutsch?”
“Parlate Italiano?’
“Parlez vous Francais?”
“¿Habla Espanol?”
To each of the questions, the policemen just looked at him uncomprehendingly. At last the foreigner muttered under his breath: 'Damn!' and drove off.
“You see, that man spoke at least five languages and where did it get him?” – asked the second policeman.
it’s ELEMENTARY
The guard at a museum explained to a group of tourists:
“The age of these fossils here is 200 million 9 years and 5 months.”
One of the visitors wondered:
“How is it that you know their exact age?”
“I have been working here for 9 years and 5 months and on my first day on the job I was told that they were 200 million years old.”
LOGICAL
Two policemen were walking on the banks of a dried out stream.
“How did all these pebbles get here?”
“They were carried by the stream.”
“And where is the stream now?”
“Probably went to fetch more pebbles.”
PAMPERING
Bill, a somewhat simple-minded young fella, decided to let himself be pampered and went to a brothel. Explaining his desire to the madam, she answered him:
“Sure we can pamper you, but as to how much, depends on how much money you have.”
Looking into his wallet Bill stated:
“All I have is $10.”
Laughing, the madam exclaimed:
“Well, for ten dollars you can go outside around back and play with yourself.”
Looking a bit depressed, obviously let down having expected more, Bill went outside. After a few minutes, he returned. A bit irritated, the madam of the house asked him:
“Well, what are you doing back here?!”
Bill said:
“I've finished and would like to pay.”
VALUE-ADDED
Mary was having a lot of problems selling her old car, because it had more than 200,000 miles on it. One day, she talked of her problem to a friend. Her friend told her:
“There's a way of making the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.”
“It doesn't matter,” - replied Mary, - “if only I can sell it.”
“Okay,” - said the friend. “This the address of someone who owns a car repair shop. If you tell him that I sent you, he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”
The next week Mary took her car to the repair shop. About one month later, her friend asked her:
“Did you sell your car?”
“No,” - replied Mary, - “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”
NEW SHOES
“Look darling,” – said the policeman to his wife, – “I bought myself a new pair of shoes. Unfortunately I will have to wait a few days until I can wear them.”
“Why?”
“The seller said they would be a little tight during the first few days.”
NOT MINE
As a result of an accident in the workshop, a foreman’s ear was cut off. His co-workers rushed him to the nearest hospital. The duty-surgeon examined the patient and then asked:
“Did anyone have the sense to bring the missing organ? If no time is wasted, it can be reattached and all that will remain from the accident will be an almost unnoticeable scar.”
When they all shook their heads in negation he ordered them to hasten back to the workshop and retrieve it. A short while later the ear was brought to the hospital in a plastic bag. After the blood was washed off, the injured man was asked if this is his ear.
“No,” - said the man, - “mine had a pencil behind it.”
BAD FILM
The police captain angrily questioned two policemen, who the previous evening had lost track of a break-and-enter suspect.
“What happened?” – he demanded.
“The burglar escaped into a movie-theater.”
“And why didn’t you follow him there?”
“We already saw the film.”
SPEECHLESS
“Yesterday when I returned home unexpectedly, I caught my wife in bed with an Italian.”
“Appalling! And what did you say to him?”
“What could I’ve said? I don’t speak Italian.”
STRANGE COINCIDENCE
Mary came into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees’ well being, asked sympathetically:
“What's the matter?”
To which the girl replied:
“Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”
The boss, feeling very sorry for his young employee, suggested:
“Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy, just take the day off to relax and rest.”
Mary very calmly stated:
“No. I'll be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”
The boss agreed and allowed her to work as usual:
“If you need anything just let me know.”
A few hours passed and the boss decided to check on Mary. He looked out of his office and saw her crying hysterically. He rushed out to her, asking:
“What's so bad now? Are you going to be OK? What's wrong?”
Mary broke down in tears:
“I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!”
A YOUNG MAN’S STORY
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16, or so.
I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.
She said: "Just a minute."
And walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
She asked: "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on", - she said. "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately I could no longer hold back and pow
I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown.
"Did you put that condom on?"
I said: "I sure did."
And held up my thumb to show her.
DUMBFOUNDED
My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in North West London, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.
As Moishe was checking into a hotel, he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
Moishe was dumbfounded and to this day remarks to me that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
MENSA CONVENTION
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140, or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," - they said, - "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," - the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that."
She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
WHICH ONE?
A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio:
“I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” - he reported. “A man has been robbed I’ve got one them.”
“Which one?” - asked the operator.
“The one that was robbed.”
STATISTICS
A Kentucky couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article, that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
DOCTOR’S MATE
A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant:
"George, I am going hunting tomorrow, but I don't want to have to close the clinic. I want you to take care of it and all of our patients".
"Yes, sir!!!" - answered George. The doctor went hunting and on returning the following day, asked:
"So, George, how was your day?"
George told him that he took care of three patients:
"The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo George and the second one?" - asked the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" - said George.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" - asked the doctor.
"Sir, as I was sitting here at the desk, suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. In a flash, she undressed herself, took off everything, lied down on the table, spread her legs and shouted:
"HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!"
"And what did you do George?" - asked the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
HAS NO IDEA
From a passenger ship, everyone could see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is it on that island?” – a passenger asked the captain.
“I have no idea....., but every year when we pass, he just goes nuts.”
LITTLE JOHNNY
Little Johnny was always being teased by the other neighbors for being stupid. Their favorite joke was offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime - Little Johnny always took the nickel..One day, after Johnny took the nickel, a neighbor took him aside and said:
"Johnny those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know, that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?”
Johnny grinned and said:
"Well if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it and so far I've made $20."
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. He was at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates were closed and Forrest approached the gatekeeper. St. Peter said:
“Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responded:
“It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”
St. Peter continued:
“Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?”
Forrest left to think the questions over. He returned the next day and saw St. Peter, who waved him up and said:
“Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest replied:
“Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.”
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed:
“Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?”- asked St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”
“Now that one is harder,” replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, St. Peter said:
“Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied:
“Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...”'
“Hold it,” - interrupted St. Peter. “I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?”
“Sure,” Forrest replied, - “it's Andy.”
“Andy?” - exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”
“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,”- Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said:
“Run, Forrest, run.”
Brief one:
* Question:
“Which of the two men can piss further?”
Answer:
“The one who opens his fly.”
SPORTING WORLD
IT’S GREAT TO BE IN SPORTS
Two men were chatting in the pub.
“Why is your face so gloomy?” - asked one.
“I am fed up with my job” - answered his companion.
“What is it that you do for a living?”
“I am responsible for the washrooms at the Sports Hall.”
“Is the salary so bad?”
“It is not the money, it is the people. Every evening I clean the damn place, until it is spick-and-span, put in clean towels, fresh toilet paper and every morning it looks like a pigsty. No consideration at all!”
“And how long have you been doing this job?”
“30 years.”
“Then why don’t you just quit it?”
“What! And abandon the glamour of the sports-world?”
A REAL FAN
Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. When he arrived at the stadium, he realized that his seat was in the last row, in the far upper corner of the stadium. About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him:
“Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”
The man said no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquired of the man next to him:
“This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”
The man replied:
“Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't attended together since we got married in 1967.”
“Well, that's really sad,” - said Bob, - “but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?”
“No,” - answered the man, - “they're all at the funeral.”
A REAL GOLF LOVER
A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green, the golfer had a ten-foot putt to win the round and the $200. Just as he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his heart and waited for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said:
“You know, that was the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration and the bet, to pay your respects.”
“It was is the least I could do, after all I was married to her for 25 years.”
SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF
A recent Scottish immigrant attended his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit heard the fans roaring “Run....Run!” The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent:
“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!”
A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed:
“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!”
The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump called a walk the Scotsman stood up yelling:
“R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!”
All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered:
“He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.”
After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed:
“Walk with pr-r-ride man!”
TOUGH GOING
“Did you and Fred have a good game, dear?”
“Did we heck. Half way up the fourth fairway Fred keeled over with a heart attack. After that, all the way it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred..”
TEEING OFF
Tiger Woods drove his huge Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greeted him in a typical Cork manner, unaware as to who the golf pro was:
“Top of the morning to you etc., etc”.
As Tiger bent down to pick up the pump, two tees fell out of his top pocket onto the ground.
“What are dey Son?” – said the attendant.
“They’re called tees” – replied Tiger.
What’re dey for?” – enquired the Cork man.
“They’re for resting my balls on while I’m driving” – replied Tiger.
Jaysus”, – said the Cork man, – “Dem fellas at Volvo tink of fookin’ everyting!”
GOLF GUN
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of one Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" - asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," - the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
A TRUE GOLFER
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said:
“Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!”
She looked at the men in the room:
“And gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together --- it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.”
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
“Yes?”- answered the teacher.
“I was just wondering. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
STRAIGHT FROM THE HIP
DON’T MIND ME
At an impromptu domestic concert the housewife played the piano. After performing several pieces, she went over to one of the guests:
“I heard that you like music.”
“Yes, I do, but go on playing anyway.”
OBVIOUS
Two women met.
“Where have you been?” - asked one.
“I went to the beauty parlor, but it was closed.”
“I can see that.”
GOD IS MERCIFUL
Two women shared a table at a fashionable café.
“Are you married?” - asked one.
“I was,” - answered her companion - “but my husband died just two days after our wedding.”
“Then the poor thing did not suffer much.”
SOUND ADVICE
A woman of dubious reputation complained to the corner policeman:
“Yesterday in the neighborhood café someone called me a whore.”
“Why do you go to places where they know you?”
ASSHOLES
Two Englishmen businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other:
"I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek and in a thick Irish accent asked:
"What might ye be sellin' here?"
One of them replied sarcastically:
"We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said:
"You are doing well .. only two left!"
RECTIFICATION
“Sir, my car hit your cat by accident. I would like to rectify your loss somehow.”
“All right. Can you catch mice?”
PARTLY USED
A divorced man met his ex-wife's new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he went over to the new guy and asked him:
"So... how do you like using second hand stuff?"
To which the new husband replied:
"It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches, it's all brand new."
TAX MATTERS
A TAXING QUESTION
A woman walked into the local IRS office and declared loudly:
“I came in to settle our coitus tax.”
The receptionist was a quite embarrassed, but said:
“I am sorry Madam, but we have no intercourse taxes that I know of.”
“So why did my husband tell me this morning to go and pay the fucking taxes?”
A MATTER OF CONSCIENCE
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), the following anonymous letter was received by the IRS:
“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax and understated my taxable income. I enclose a check for $150.00. If I still can't sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
MUSCLE MAN
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $100 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money. Many people (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit and said in a tiny, squeaky voice:
“I'd like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man, but the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $100 and asked the little man
“What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”The man replied:
“I work for the IRS.”
DRESS CODE
A Jew came to see the rabbi:
“Rabbi! There's something is wrong with my tax returns and I have been summoned to the IRS offices. Can you tell me what shall I wear? My best suit, or rather something shabby?”
“My son, questions as regards the dress code belong to my wife's department. Let's go and ask her.”
“This is a very good question,” – said the rabbi's wife. “The other day Rebecca asked me if on her wedding night she should wear a nightgown, pajamas, or maybe should await her husband naked. I told her that it doesn't matter. She will be screwed anyway.”
EMPLOYER/ EMPLOYEE RELATIONSHIP
A businessman entered the IRS offices and asked:
“Could you please give me two weeks of leave? I want to take my family for a holiday.”
“You must be out of your mind,” – said the clerk. “Why are you asking us for leave?”
“Where else would I go? Aren’t you the ones I work for?”
ROLL MODEL
An old Catholic priest was dying. He sent a message for his I.R.S. agent and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the old priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed, grasped their hands, sighed contentedly and stared at the ceiling.
For a time no one said anything. Both the I.R.S. agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments, but they were puzzled, because the priest had never before given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally the lawyer asked:
“Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?
The old priest mustered up his failing strength, then said weakly:
“Jesus died between two thieves… and that is just how I want to go too”.
TECHNOLOGY/COMPUTERS
THE LATEST IN TECHNOLOGY
One evening a diminutive Japanese was seen walking on Main Street. Because of the two large, apparently heavy, suitcases he was carrying, he made only slow progress. Every twenty meters or so he paused to take a breath, put down his burden and wiped his perspiring brow. A passerby asked him:
“Excuse me, do you know what time it is?”
The Japanese put down his suitcase, looked at his wristwatch, pressed a button twice, then pressed it several times. At last he declared:
“It is half past seven.”
“Thank you, but if you don’t mind, I only asked you for the time of the day. Why did you have to fiddle with your watch so long?”
“This is not a simple watch. Look here, I depress this button and it becomes a phone. I depress it again and it is a fax machine, once again and it is a computer, once again and it is a video recorder.”
“This is simply wonderful,” - gushed the passerby. “Would you sell it to me, please?”
The Japanese was hard to convince, but finally, after being offered a substantial sum, he agreed. The buyer handed over the money, buckled the watch on his wrist, thanked the seller profusely and started walking away.
“But sir,” - shouted the Japanese, pointing to his suitcases. “You forgot the batteries!”
Lest I be accused of being biased towards the giant corporation mentioned in the following story, I heard it from a high-ranking officer of that same corporation at a public presentation introducing its new line of products:
CONSPICUOUS LANDMARK
A passenger airplane found itself in a heavy storm. Strong winds buffeted the plane, a tremendous bolt of lightning knocked out the electrical system, the instrument panel became dark and the pilot lost his bearings completely. The frightened passengers were convinced that these were their last minutes. The pilot descended below the clouds and tried to find a landmark to orient himself. Suddenly a tall building appeared with a man on its roof. The pilot opened the cockpit-window and picking up a megaphone, shouted:
“Excuse me Sir, where am I?”
“You are in an airplane,” - came the ready answer.
The pilot executed an 80( turn and landed the airplane at Seattle airport. The grateful passengers hugged the captain and thanked him for saving their lives. They just wanted to know how he had managed to perform this remarkable feat.
“It is really very simple,” - said the pilot. “As soon as I heard the man giving me some completely useless information, I realized we were at the ‘Microsoft’ building in Seattle. I knew the airport lies 80( off that building, so I circled around and landed.”
PERFECT TRANSLATION
After many years of experimentation, the Army announced that it had managed to develop a computer program to translate any English text into Russian. The commanding general, who came to see the new product, was invited to choose a sentence for translation. The general thought for a minute and then uttered:
“Out of sight, out of mind!”
Within 5 seconds, a Russian sentence appeared on the screen. Everybody stared at the Cyrillic script, but as none of those present understood Russian, nobody could verify that the translation was correct. Suddenly the general had a bright idea (it does happen sometimes, believe me!):
“Let the computer translate the Russian sentence back to English.”
Again 5 seconds passed and then the translation came up. It read:
“Invisible idiot!”
CHICKENBROTH
A recent quote from the “Meat & Poultry” magazine tells the following story:
The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass’ impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
“Use a thawed chicken.”
IF A RESTAURANT FUNCTIONED LIKE MICROSOFT
Patron: “Waiter!”
Waiter: “Hi, my name is Bill and I'm your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?”
Patron: “There's a fly in my soup!”
Waiter: “Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.”
Patron: “No, it's still there.”
Waiter: “Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork.”
Patron: “Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.”
Waiter: “Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?”
Patron: “A SOUP bowl!”
Waiter: “Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?”
Patron: “You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!”
Waiter: “Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?”
Patron: “I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!”
Waiter: “Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?”
Patron: “You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??”
Waiter: “Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.”
Patron: “Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?”
Waiter: “The current Soup of the Day is tomato.”
Patron: “Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.”
The waiter left and returned with another bowl of soup and the check:
Waiter: “Here you are, Sir, the soup and your check.”
Patron: “But this is potato soup.”
Waiter: “Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.”
Patron: “Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.”
The waiter left.
Patron: “Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!”
The check:
Soup of the Day ……… .........……… $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day…. $2.50
Access to support …………………… $10.00
Total ………………………………… $17.50
A SKILLFUL WOMAN
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life - at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat and in it was the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her:
“Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
“I rowed from the other side of the island,” - she said. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” - he said, - “I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”
“It's only me,” - she said - “and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did.”
He was confused:
“Then how did you get the rowboat?”
“Oh, simple,” - replied the woman. “I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the sides from palm branches, and the bottom, bow and stern came from a eucalyptus tree.”
“But, but, that's impossible,” - stuttered the man. “You had no tools or hardware - how did you manage?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” - the woman said. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if fired to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?”
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
“Well, let's row over to my place, then,” - she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walked into the house, she said casually:
“It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?” “No, no, thank you,” - he said, still dazed. “I can't take any more coconut juice.”
“It's not coconut juice,” - the woman replied. “I have a still. How about a pina colada?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced:
“I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.
“ This woman is amazing,” - he mused. “What next?” When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing, but vines strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” - she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, -”we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know....”
She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing:
“You mean...,” - he replied, - “I can check my e-mail from here??”
And another, sport-slanted variation of the same delightful little story:
SEDUCTION SCENE
One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, saw an unusual speck on the horizon.
“It’s certainly not a ship,” - he thought to himself. As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf came this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approached the stunned guy and asked:
“How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” - he said.
She reached over, unzipped a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He took one, lighted it and after taking a long drag and sighed:
“Man, oh man! Is that ever good!”
She then asked him:
“How long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?”
Trembling, he replied:
“Ten years!”
She unzipped the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulled out a flask and gave it to him. The man opened the flask, took a long swig and said:
“Wow, that’s absolutely fantastic!”
The woman then started slowly unzipping the long zipper that ran down the front of her wet suit, looked at him seductively and asked:
“And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”
The guy, with tears in his eyes, replied:
“Oh sweet Lord God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
MOUSING AROUND
I became fully aware last night that I've been spending entirely too much time with my computer. As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped into the famous “Microsoft Mouse” position). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple.
GREAT WRITER
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer. When asked to define “great”, he said:
“I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
PASSWORD
A wife was helping her husband set up his computer and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P.....
E.....
N.....
I.....
S.....
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH
HAROLD, THE COMPUTER GUY
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him:
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied:
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned:
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No"- I replied.
"Write it down" - he said - "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down:
"I D 1 0 T."
Shame, I used to like Harold .................
Brief ones:
* Question:
“What is common between women and Windows95”?
Answer:
“The Plug and Play feature.”
*”We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.”
Professor Robert Silensky of California University
THE ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR
THE UMBRELLA
The absent-minded professor checked out of his hotel. A few hours later when it started raining, he noticed that he had left his umbrella in his hotel room. He went back to the hotel, but the reception-clerk told him that a young couple on their honeymoon occupied the room.
“They checked in not long ago, so I suggest you go up there, knock on their door and ask them if they have found an umbrella.”
The professor took the elevator upstairs. When he reached his old room and was about to knock on the door, he heard voices from the inside:
“Who do these soft hands belong to?” - said a man’s voice.
“To you, my darling,” - answered a female voice.
“Whom do these sweet lips belong to?”
“To you, sweetheart.”
“Whom do these beautiful breasts belong to?”
“To you, honey.”
Here the professor’s patience ran out and he shouted through the keyhole:
“Excuse me, but when you get to the umbrella, please remember, it belongs to me!”
A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY
It was late at night when the professor arrived in the strange town. He took a taxi to the only hotel, but was told that there are no rooms available. Still, the night clerk had a suggestion:
“At what time do you intend to check out?” - he asked.
“Quite early,” - answered the educator. “I have to catch the 6:00 a.m. train.”
“Then I could put you up in Room 201. A priest took the room an hour ago, but he looked so tired, that he is probably fast asleep by now. If you keep quiet, he won’t even notice that someone is sharing the room with him.”
The professor took the room, settled his bill in advance and asked to be awakened at 5 o’clock in the morning. He undressed in darkness and at dawn when the clerk knocked on his door did not switch on the light. In the dark room and in his haste, he put on the priest’s clothes. The porter summoned a taxi for the professor and it was only at the railway station, when he happened to look into a mirror, that he noticed his mistake.
“Look at those fools,”- exclaimed the exasperated professor. “They woke up the priest instead of me!”
THE ESTABLISHMENT
THE CARD
A Department of Water representative stopped at an outer Brisbane farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer:
“I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.”
The old farmer said:
“OK, but don't go in that field over there.”
The water representative said:
“Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step.
The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out...........
“Your card! Your card! Show him your card!”
THOSE PROFESSIONALS
SCIENTIFIC CONCLUSION
An economist, physicist and a mathematician traveled together abroad. Their train was just crossing the Swiss border, when they saw a black sheep in a field. The economist remarked:
“It seems that sheep in Switzerland are black!”
The physicist corrected him:
“This is a mistaken conclusion. We can merely state that there is at least one black sheep in Switzerland.”
Retorted the mathematician:
“Even that is not certain. We can only state that at least one sheep in Switzerland is black on one of its sides.”
ENGINEERING PROBLEM
Two engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike.
The other said:
“Nice bike. How much?”
The first said:
“It was free.”
The other asked:
“Wow, how did you get it for free?”
The one with the bike said:
“Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted.”
The other engineer said:
“Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!”
TEST
A very shy guy went into a bar and saw beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally went over to her and asked tentatively:
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responded by yelling, at the top of her lungs:
“No, I won't sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar was now staring at them. Naturally, the guy was hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slunk back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walked over to him and apologized. She smiled at him and said:
“I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responded, at the top of his lungs:
“What do you mean $200?”
VIAGRA
LIMITED INFIRMITY
A man came to the physician and complained:
“Doctor, I cannot get it up anymore.”
The doctor prescribed him some pills, but warned him not to take more than one pill weekly. He also explained that the influence of the pill wears off after one hour, but that should be sufficient. The patient, anxious to try out his new medication and being sure that his wife was at home, took one pill even before he opened his door. To his surprise the apartment was empty and a note from his wife advised him that she left to visit her mother. By the time the wife returned home, the influence of the pill had of course worn off and no effort could get up the sagging manhood of the husband.
The next day the man returned to the physician and asked him if he can take just one more pill. He explained that he took one when his wife was absent and it was wasted. Jokingly, the physician inquired:
“Don’t you have a girlfriend next-door? Couldn’t she have helped you out?”
The patient protested indignantly:
“If you must know, I happen to have a very nice neighbor, but with her I don’t need a pill.”
OVERKILL
The family physician met Moishe’le on the street. The boy looked quite troubled.
“How are things at home?” - asked the good doctor.
“My folks are divorcing,”- answered Moishe’le.
“For Heavens’ sake why? They seem such a nice couple.”
“I overheard them talking that my father has become impotent.”
“This is not a problem these days, Moishe’le. Take these pills and give your Dad one each every three days.”
Moishe’le hurried home gratefully. He tried to memorize the exact dosage and kept repeating to himself - 'one pill every three days, one pill every three days,' - but then he stumbled and got confused, - 'three pills every day, three pills every day.'
Two weeks later the doctor ran into Moishe’le again. The boy looked noticeably thinner and was even more troubled.
“My God, Moishe’le what happened? And how is your Dad?”
“Don’t even ask! My mother is dead, my sister is pregnant, my behind feels sore and the dog won’t dare return home.”
STRONG MEDICINE
A lady went to the doctor and complained that her husband was losing interest in sex. The doctor gave her a pill, warned her it is still experimental and told her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. About a week later she was back at the doctor and reported joyously:
“Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor said:
“I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Naah... “, – she said, – “that's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway.”
rejuvenation
The physician asked the elderly patient:
“Have the Viagra pills I prescribed been of any help?”
“Beyond my wildest dreams. I feel like a 20-year-old,” - enthused the old fellow.
“And what is your wife’s opinion?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t been home for two weeks.”
CREATIVE THINKING
A man went to visit his grandpa in hospital.
“How are you grandpa? - he asked.
“Feeling fine,” - said the old man.
“What's the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all - nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushed off to question the Sister in charge.
“What are you people doing?” - he said. “I'm told you're giving an old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?”
“Oh, yes,” - replied the Sister. “Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
GOLFER
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked:
"How many?"
The man replied:
"Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said:
"That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.”
The old fellow said:
"Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.
HANDLING PAIN
A man visited the dentist. After examining him, the dentist said:
“That tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novocain and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
The man grabbed the dentist’s arm and screamed:
“No way! I hate needles. I’m not getting any shot!”
The dentist said:
“OK, we’ll have to go with the gas then.”
His patient replied:
“Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.”
So the dentist stepped out and came back with a glass of water:
“Here,” – he said, – “take this pill.”
The man asked:
“What is it?”
The dentist replied:
“Viagra.”
The man looked surprised and asked:
“Will that kill the pain?”
“No,” – replied the dentist, – “but it will give you something to hang onto while I pull your tooth.”
GRANNIES
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills and the son said I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and very expensive.
"How much?" - asked Grandpa.
"$10 a pill," - answered the son.
"I don't care," - said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one and I'll give you the money in the morning."
The next morning the son found $110 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa:
"I told you each pill was $10, not $110."
"I know," – said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
WOMEN’S LIB
GIRLIE DREAMS
Three ladies of the night were discussing who they would like to become, if they were reborn. The first said:
“I would love to be a star like Brigitte Bardot.”
The second woman had higher ambitions:
“I would like to be reborn as someone of standing, like Golda Meir.”
The third said with a dreamy expression:
“I would prefer to become a marine pipeline”
When she saw the astonished looks on her companion’s faces, she simply pointed to a headline in that day’s paper:
“MARINE PIPELINE LAID BY 100 MEN.”
CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTORS
Two women shared an apartment for many years. Both were conscientious objectors to sexual intercourse and avoided contact with men as much as possible. Even their cat was kept safely locked in the apartment, lest it meet tomcats. Then through her work, one of the women got acquainted with a man, fell in love and married him.
Her friend’s marriage came as a shock to the other woman, but she put on a brave face and asked her mate to write from her honeymoon. A few days passed and no mail arrived. Then, after a week, a postcard came with just a few words scribbled on it hurriedly:
“Let the cat out!”
KEEPING HERSELF PURE
A fellow in a bar noticed a woman, always alone, coming in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you,” - she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult,” - the man replied.
“Oh, I don't mind too much,” - she said, - “but it has my husband is pretty upset.”
KNOWS HER MIND
A good-looking middle-aged woman entered a lingerie shop.
“I would like to buy some underwear.”
“Did you have anything specific in mind?”
“Specifically I had screwing on my mind, but just now I would like to buy some undies.”
GAVE HIM A DRESSING
On the bus a man thoroughly and provocatively scrutinized a shapely woman sitting on the opposite seat, giving her the once over several times. Finally, the woman spoke up:
“Would you please dress me up again? I have to get off at the next station.”
GOD’S GIFTS
God was just about done creating the universe, but he had a couple of leftover things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.
“It's a very handy thing,” - God told the couple, who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged:
“Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden, or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please...”
On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well, good.
“Fine,” - God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. “What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...”
THE IDEAL HUSBAND
The definition of an ideal husband:
Does not smoke
Does not drink
Does not flirt
Does not exist.
LIFE GOES ON
During the last census, a census-taker arrived at a Bronx apartment and started entering the relevant data on the forms.
“What is your occupation?” - he asked the lady of the household.
“I am a housewife.”
“And what does your husband do for a living?”
“My husband died 17 years ago,” - answered the woman.
The man looked at the half-a-dozen small kids raising hell in the various parts of the apartment.
“And to whom these children belong to?”
“They are mine,” - came the prompt answer.
“How is that possible?”
“It is my husband who passed away, not me!”
PERVERSION
A psychiatrist administered a Rorschach test to his patient. First he showed her an inkblot within a circle.
“Tell me please, my dear lady, what is your interpretation of this drawing?”
“It’s a couple making love in a circular room.”
Next he showed her an inkblot within a rectangle.
“What do you see now?”
“It’s a couple making love in a rectangular room.”
Finally he showed her an inkblot within a triangle.
“And now?”
The women looked suspiciously at the doctor and then burst out:
“What sort of a pervert pig are you anyway?”
FAIR CHANCE
The young woman was holding on to her strap on the bus when from behind she suddenly felt a man’s body clinging to hers quite closely. The bus was crowded, but not that crowded. She turned around and asked:
“Tell me, do you want to screw me?”
“No,” – replied her startled fellow passenger, – “I have no such intention.”
“Then please move away and give somebody else a chance.”
UNISEX
The guests at the wealthy socialite’s house were treated to an impromptu concert. One of the guests whispered to the person next to him:
“That girl is singing completely off-key.”
“That is my son who is singing,” - replied the other.
“Sorry, I didn’t know you were his father.”
“No, I’m his mother.”
UNCANNY INSIGHT
A spinster's phone rang late one night. When she answered, she heard a deep voice at the other end:
“I know all about you. You'd like me to throw you on the bed, rip your clothes off, kiss you all over your body and make violent love to you.”
The woman looked at the phone in amazement and replied:
“You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?''
GIFTS
One day the Lord came to Adam and said:
“I've got some good news and some bad news”.
Adam said:
“Well, give me the good news first.”
The Lord explained:
“I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your species and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you have this organ to give her children.”
Adam, very excited, exclaimed:
“These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow:
“You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time.”
HERMAPHRODITE
A woman gave birth to a baby. Afterwards, the doctor came in and said:
“I have to tell you something about your baby.”
The woman sat up in bed and asked:
“What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???”
The doctor said:
“Well, now, nothing’s wrong exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”
“A hermaphrodite.... what’s that???”
“Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... both of a male and a female.”
The woman turned pale. She said:
“Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?”
Has the equipment
A couple went on a holiday to a fishing resort at Lakes Entrance. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lakes area, the wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to read her book. Along came a fishing inspector in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said:
"Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," – she replied (thinking "isn't that obvious!").
"You're in a restricted fishing area," – he informed her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and make a report."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," – said the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," – said the man.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," – and he left ..............
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
THE ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love
it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will).
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her:
“I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.......on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied:
“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The woman considered his proposition for a moment and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....
“Clean my house.”
Women are not stupid.
Brief ones:
* Question:
“Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?”
Answer:
“Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.”
* Question
“Why do men like big tits and a tight pussy?”
Answer:
“Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.”
* Question:
“How can you tell if your husband is dead?”
Answer:
“The sex is the same but you get the remote.”
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