Digital Learning & Online Textbooks – Cengage



>> This is the eighth session of cognitive behavior therapy with Stan. And what you need to know is that in the past sessions, Stan has been identifying what we call some of his faulty beliefs or self-talk that doesn't always get him where he wants to go. And so in this particular session, we're going to be looking at some of the beliefs that he's already recognized and that he's done work on in his journal at home.

[ Pause ]

>> You are not going to believe what happened this time. I finally get up the courage to ask somebody out. We get out on the date. Of course, I'm a little bit late when I show up so that didn't start off so good for us. And we get out there, and I'm getting ready just to say something really nice, and I turn, and I knock this drink right on her dress, and it's, like, oh, my, you know. Clumsy strikes again. It was just, it was classic. I mean, it was just the story of my life right there in that one little moment.

>> So what did you do when you spilled this drink on her dress?

>> Oh, I apologized, and I got the, you know, the napkins, was trying to dry her off. I even, I offered to pay, I offered to, you know, to pay for the dry cleaning on her dress. I sent her roses the next day, and I just haven't heard from her since -

>> Right. OK. So what did you tell yourself? What was going on in your head when you spilled the drink?

>> Oh, just, oh, crap. Here we go again. [crosstalk] It was just, just, you know, I'm never going to, I'm never going to get this right. And I took everything I had to, you know, get her to go out on a date with me, and then I, you know, I blow it by doing this. It's just, it's just par for the course for me.

>> Yeah. And, again, you notice we've been focusing a lot of your thoughts and beliefs, and you've been writing them down, too, in your journal. What kind of beliefs you think surrounded that episode?

>> Oh, it just, I'm never going to get this right. I'm, I am destined to be alone. I'm not going to ever be able to be with a woman without screwing it up somehow.

>> Do you think that might be a little extreme, your thinking? A little catastrophic? I spill a drink on her, and, therefore, this proves I'll never do it right.

>> Well, I, I don't know. I mean, I haven't heard back from her. It doesn't seem, I don't know, it doesn't too good for me. I just, you know, I married a great woman, and I messed that up.

>> OK. You said you married a great woman, you mess that up -

>> Right -

>> How did you mess it up?

>> Well, she divorced me -

>> OK. And that was because of you?

>> Yeah.

>> You're complete -

>> Well, I think so. I mean, pretty much. I mean, I wasn't making a whole lot of money. I wasn't, you know, doing very well. I was maybe drinking a little bit more than I should have, and I wasn't, you know, I wasn't a good husband.

>> And what do you think her leaving you and the divorce meant? What did you tell yourself about that?

>> Well, the same, the same thing -

>> The same thing.

>> Yeah. It's just, clearly that didn't work. It's not going to work -

>> OK. So nothing I'll do will ever work.

>> Yeah -

>> So you're taking that event, the divorce and her not wanting to continue living with you anymore as proof that basically you're not worthy. Is that it? I don't know. I'm trying -

>> Well, yeah. I mean, it, does seem like pretty good evidence -

>> OK. Well, tell me about that evidence. Where's the evidence? That because she didn't like you or like certain things about you that, therefore, she was right.

>> What do you mean, therefore, she was -

>> Well, it sounds like her judgment of you is truth. You're not even willing to question that.

>> Well.

>> You're kind of thinking -

>> Yeah. I. Well, I've always just assumed that, that it was right, that that's the way it was.

>> Yeah. You make a lot of assumptions, you know, it seems like to me, and sometimes those assumptions seem like a big leap, you know, that she left me, therefore, this proves that no other woman could find me worthwhile. You didn't say that exactly, but -

>> Right, and I thought I was getting through that by going out and asking this woman out -

>> Right.

>> And I actually felt great that she said yes -

>> OK.

>> And then I screw, I screw it up. It's, like, [laughs] I don't know. I can't win -

>> Yeah. And you're certain that because you haven't heard from her is because she never wants to speak to you again.

>> Well -

>> Is that true or false?

>> Well, I thought that. I don't know. When you put it that way, I don't know how certain I am.

>> Yeah. I'm getting in a, I hope, kind of look at, you know, some of your beliefs that you have about what happened this to you in life, and see is that really the way it is in reality. You know, it seems like a lot of your thoughts get you into trouble. Like when you spilled the drink, what did you tell yourself? Oh, I'm clumsy -

>> Right. Well, I think I even said that. I think I even said it out loud, and -

>> Yeah. And is it OK to be clumsy once in a while? No.

>> Well. [Laughs] Not when it means spilling a drink on somebody. But, yeah, I mean, yes, it is OK to be clumsy once in a while -

>> Yeah. But you see, again, I want you to get to be thinking about your thoughts and your self-talk. You all, you came in yourself and said what a clumsy, you know, person you were, and you'll never get it right. She'll never want to talk to you. You didn't quite say it yet, but -

>> Well, I don't feel like I say that stuff to my, I don't say that to myself, but it's the way I feel. It's kind of what it feels like to me -

>> Right. Right. Well, I want you to, we've talked about, you know, looking at events that happen and then looking at the consequences, the consequences of you winding up feeling miserable and like you really blew it and down because -

>> Right.

>> Of what happened -

>> I have been down, yes -

>> Right, and I want you to see that it's not the event, namely spilling the drink on her that leads you to that, but what you believe, what you were thinking, and what you were telling yourself. See, so what did you tell yourself at that moment?

>> Well, this is terrible. Oh, my God, this is terrible.

>> Yeah, terrible.

>> Embarrassing. It's -

>> And is there another thing you could think about telling yourself that wouldn't be quite so critical? What's another way you could talk to yourself?

[ Pause ]

>> It's funny. I don't know. [laughs]

>> OK.

>> [laughs] I guess it could be funny in a way. I mean, stepping back from it a little bit, it's kind of, it is kind of funny.

>> Well, it didn't seem to funny to me. It seemed very painful.

>> Well, yeah -

>> Because you talk about this -

>> It kind of reminds me of, like, the Three Stooges or something. It's kind of [laughs] -

>> Yeah. But you're -

>> Funny in a way -

>> You're the Stooge.

>> [Laughs] Yeah -

>> Right.

>> [Laughs] Yeah. [crosstalk] Feels like that, yeah -

>> I wonder if you'll try something with me because I'm trying to teach you how to dispute and debate some of these beliefs that get in your way at times -

>> OK.

>> Maybe you can be the tough critic that you typically are. Like just hang in there with that belief about how terrible you are -

>> OK -

>> And I'll be another side of that. Another belief system, OK.

>> OK.

>> So give me a line.

>> Well, there you go again. You spilled the drink. You blew the whole night.

>> Yeah. It's embarrassing. I did spill the drink, and I am apologetic for it, but I don't know that I had to blow the whole evening and the whole rest of my career with her -

>> Well, but look. I mean, clearly she's upset. You spilled the drink all over her, and there's nothing you can do about it. You have to take her home now because she's all messed up. It's a disaster.

>> Yeah. No, it's not a disaster. It's uncomfortable for her and for me, for both of us, but it's not the end of the Earth. I can stand it, and I think she can stand it. Go on.

>> [laughs] OK. Yeah, but it took you so long to get up the courage to ask her out again, and if you're going to do this every time, then how are you ever going to get anybody to go out with you again -

>> But there you go again saying you're going to do it every time. Maybe you won't do it again. You're not destined that [inaudible] spill drinks on her every time you see her.

>> Well, there's no way she's going to go out with you again because you're clearly a klutz, and nobody wants to go out with a klutz -

>> OK, let's stop. How was that to engage in that?

>> Sometimes it got hard to kind of come up something new to say about, you know, why it was bad that I did that -

>> You know, you said, and I want to challenge on this, you said, "I'm sure. I haven't heard from her, and that means she never wants to talk to me again. I'm condemned to eternal klutzhood, and I'll always be this way." How do you know? Where's the evidence? How did you come to that conclusion that she'd never want anything to do with you anymore because you're so despicable?

>> Well, I guess I don't really know. I haven't heard from her yet so I don't know for sure -

>> Well, you haven't, she hasn't heard from you either, has she?

>> Well, no. I mean, all I did, I did send her the roses. That's all -

>> OK. Well, maybe she's waiting for you to say something. You ever thought of that?

>> No, not really -

>> See, you're saying I haven't heard from her. That must mean she never wants to talk to me again.

>> OK. I get your point. I see what you're saying. I'm a little embarrassed, though, to call her or, you know -

>> Yeah. Well maybe, you know, I'm asking you to kind of test out your beliefs rather than just assuming that she wants nothing -

>> Sure -

>> More to do with you. You might just see what it would be like to call her and say, you know, I've been thinking about our last date, and I feel clumsy, but I just wanted to call again and say I'm sorry if caused any hard feelings, and, you know, I'd sure like an opportunity to see you again.

>> I could try that.

>> OK. So I hope you could see a little more clearly some of your thoughts and how your thoughts sometimes really get you stuck.

>> Especially the part about, you know, kind of not knowing what she's thinking -

>> Right [crosstalk]. You do a lot of assuming.

>> Yeah.

>> And you're willing, then, to kind of keep a record of things you do and what you tell yourself, and bring that in -

>> OK.

>> Yeah. I hope you will. Good. [crosstalk] -

>> I'm sure I'll have plenty to write about.

>> [Laughs] That's good.

>> OK.

[ Pause ]

>> In this cognitive behavior therapy session, we focused mainly on Stan's beliefs and how his beliefs sometimes get him into trouble. Now he comes in, and he reports about an event that happened, and I didn't get so caught into the event. I want him to explore more what he told himself at that event. Now the reason I have for that is I think I want him to catch himself with his self-talk that sometimes is self-destructive or at least it's not helping him. The other thing is I want him to consider another alternative. For example, this woman that doesn't call him back, has he ever thought that maybe she's waiting for him to call, do you see? So mainly what I'm trying to do in this session is get him to think about his thinking, and to see how some of his beliefs might be modified, and how he can do that with active disputation, and that was the reason for my brief, you know, back and forth where I asked him to be the critical part of himself with his harsh beliefs, and I came on with a different side of beliefs. More to get him to kind of think of alternatives. So we're engaging in cognitive restructuring here. And also I want him to keep writing about this. Writing about what happens and what he tells himself, and he'll do a lot of work outside of the sessions as much as he's doing in the sessions itself.

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