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A CLASSROOMA teacher (Mr/Ms/Mrs Melrose) opens the door. MELROSE OK. In you come class!The pupils enter chattering and sit. To the teacher's alarm they are all panto characters. Melrose watches in growing amazement. MELROSE (cont'd) Er. Ah. OK: today I'm your teacher as Miss Jenkins is - ah - unwell. CAPTAIN HOOK Arr. She be run away. MELROSE Run away? Well: they told me that... CINDERELLA Oh yes: Captain Hook is right. They tell all the replacement teachers that she's "ill". HANSEL It's true. We haven't seen her for .. GRETEL Since September. MELROSE But its December now, so you mean... BEAUTY She lasted four days. MELROSE Just four days? Really?The pupils nod agreement or say yes. SNOW WHITE But they did tell you we were a ‘special’ class, right? MELROSE Well; yes. But I thought ... I mean... So: (Puts on brave cheerful face) OK.Melrose notices some empty seats and indicates one. MELROSE (cont'd) We missing someone? DOROTHY Wolfie. DOC He's in the Principal's office. Bit somebody. MELROSE Oh dear. Anyway. Welcome: I'm Ms/Mr Melrose and I'd like to start by learning a few names, so ...Melrose indicates a pupil. MELROSE (cont'd) First you; what are you know as?Child happily answers. DOPEY Dopey! MELROSE Oh no: that's a bit harsh. I mean - nobody in my class is to be called names. DOC It's his name. He’s called Dopey. Like, really christened it.Melrose is shocked. Dopey is cheerful. DOPEY It's OK. I'd rather be called that than ‘Grumpy’. MELROSE Well I hope we don't have anybody called...Grumpy puts his hand up. GRUMPY Me.Melrose laughs. MELROSE Ha! I see. Very funny.Melrose points at child with eyes shut. MELROSE (cont'd) And I suppose that's Sleepy. Ha! ALL KIDS Duh: yeah. Yes. Correct.Somebody sneezes. DOC Yep: you guessed it.Suddenly there's a thud. MELROSE What was that? PRINCE CHARMING That's Peter. He's always late. CAPTAIN HOOK Arr! You be ignoring him. He be told scores of times to use the door. MELROSE Where is he then? BEAUTY He tries to fly in the window. It's never open. DICK WHITTINGTON I think they should leave it open. That's the way Tinkerbell wants to come in as well. MELROSE Tinkerbell?Peter Pan enters. He has bashed his face. PETER PAN Sorry we're late. The window was shut.Fairy Tinkerbell comes in behind him, to a tinkling bell sound. She flits round with her wand then sits. Melrose is speechless. CAT Do you have any milk? MELROSE What? Milk? Ah ... no. But ... are you dressed as a cat? CAT No! I am a cat. Just a very clever one. Aren't I, Dick? DICK WHITTINGTON Best cat in the world. Fought off all the rats in the sultan's palace! MELROSE OK. I think ... a few more names. How about you? HANSEL Hansel. GRETEL Gretel. BEAUTY I'm Beauty. MELROSE What a lovely name. And how about you? Hello? Wakey wakey! SLEEPING BEAUTY What? MELROSE What's your name? SLEEPING BEAUTY Beauty. MELROSE Ah. OK: two with the same name - next to each other. Makes life harder! BEAUTY She's not the same name. She's called Sleeping beauty. See.Points at that Sleeping Beauty is asleep again. BEAUTY (cont'd) I'm just 'Beauty'.Melrose smiles. MELROSE Like 'Beauty and the Beast'. BEAUTY Duh. Yeah!She points to the empty chair next to her. Sleeping Beauty and Sleepy both snore. MELROSE I think we need something to wake us all up! How about some sharing! I'll start: I live in (name of place) and my dad used to be a pilot in the air-force! How cool is that eh! How about you: tell me an interesting fact about you!He points at a pupil. CAPTAIN HOOK Well: I be the captain of a pirate ship. I lost my hand in a fight with a crocodile and ... MELROSE What?!Hook holds up the hook. BEAUTY Gross. CAPTAIN HOOK My dad was also a pirate, and so was my mum, and ...Melrose doesn't believe him. MELROSE OK: someone else: a key fact from ... you! WITCH Me? OK: well, I'm called lots of things. My mum was a witch and my dad was a wizard. A real one: not like those boring ones in harry Potter. Kids laugh. MELROSE So: what do you like to be called? WITCH Elphaba. And this is my best friend, Dorothy' DOROTHY Hi! WITCH And her dog, Toto.Melrose sees there is a person who looks like a dog. TOTO Woof!Melrose thinks they're joking. MELROSE Ha! So - ah - 'Elpheba' - can you do real magic spells then? PRINCE CHARMING Yes, she can. You see that little doll over there? With the startled expression?Melrose looks round to see it. MELROSE Oh yes. PRINCE CHARMING That was a teacher until - what: three weeks ago? SLEEPING BEAUTY Yeah. The bloke with the glasses. DICK WHITTINGTON He was so nasty. Called us all 'liars'. Said we'd all get detention!They all mutter against him. GRETEL So Elpheba turned him into the doll.Melrose is not convinced but getting anxious. MELROSE Right. OK. That's enough names for now. Who can tell me what you've been studying?A hand goes up. HANSEL We did a lot of - what did they call it? With the custard pies? PETER PAN Food technology? CINDERELLA Cookery. BASHFUL Slapstick. DOROTHY Didn't you see the mess outside. In the playground. Where we practised throwing them?She mimes throwing a pie. Others join in. MELROSE Just pies. You didn't cook anything else? HANSEL Witches. Pushed a few into an oven, didn't we Gretel.Gretel nods. GRETEL Not sure why. Never ate them. WITCH I complained. It was anti-witch and not politically correct. They stopped doing it after a while. MELROSE OK. Anything else? DOC Dancing. And singing. PRINCE CHARMING Oh no: not doing more of that. MELROSE Sorry: your name is? PRINCE CHARMING Prince Charming. And I had to partner every girl in dancing! WITCH Not me you didn't. BEAUTY It's traditional. SLEEPING BEAUTY And you're very good at it. CINDERELLA Especially the waltz. SNOW WHITE Yes. MELROSE OK: cookery, music - anything else? RED RIDING HOOD Walking. MELROSE Walking? RED RIDING HOOD In the dark forest. Did a lot of that. SNOW WHITE We walked miles and miles. MELROSE Nature study? RED RIDING HOOD Nah. Looking for cottages. MELROSE Cottages? SNOW WHITE You know. Little houses? Where dwarves live? RED RIDING HOOD And grannies. HANSEL And witches! WITCH Not all of us! I live in a castle. SLEEPY With flying monkeys! WITCH Yeah. MELROSE Cottages. OK. Not looking at nature? RED RIDING HOOD Oh yeah! Had to do that all the time. Picking wild flowers. Watching out for wolves! Boring! HANSEL There was masses of gingerbread we had to eat too. Yuck. CINDERELLA So not-slimming. MELROSE OK. Right - ah .... Maybe we could start with some...From outside is heard a crashing, heavy footsteps, and snarling. The kids don't respond but Melrose looks concerned. MELROSE (cont'd) What ...?! BEAUTY That's him. MELROSE Who? BEAUTY The Beast? Remember. Beauty and the Beast? RED RIDING HOOD He's always in a bad mood. Until he's eaten someone. What was the name of that nice teacher he ate? The blonde one? BEAUTY No: she was eaten by wolfie.They think. Melrose has had enough. MELROSE Right. That's it. They don't pay me enough for this ...Melrose rushes out. The kids watch him go then congratulate themselves. The cast use their real names from here on (write them in as appropriate). KID 1 Yes! KID 2 And another one bites the dust! KID 1 How many is that we've got rid of? KID 2 Stopped counting. KID 3 The Beast bit always gets them, (Kid 1 name). KID 4 Loved your Captain Hook thing, (Kid 5 name)! KID 5 (HOOK) Yeah. (Waves fake hook) Bought it yesterday. KID 6 OK: same as yesterday? Down the park?All agree. They exit laughing and chatting. ................
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