Exercise: Turning Harsh Start-up to Softened Start-up

Exercise: Turning Harsh Start-up to Softened Start-up

Our research shows that the way you start your conversations makes a big difference in the overall quality of your marriage. Harsh start-up-- that is, beginning with criticism or contempt--causes the interaction to go downhill fast. Partners become defensive and withdraw, leading to emotional distance and loneliness. The opposite is softened start-up, which is free of criticism and contempt.

Below are five examples of common marital conflicts, followed by examples of harsh start-up and softened start-up.

1. The holidays are approaching and you're worried because your partner often spends more on her family than the two of you can afford.

HARSH START-UP: "I hate the holidays! Your shopping always drives us into debt." SOFTENED START-UP: "I really want to enjoy the holidays with you this year. But I'm worried about the bills. Can we talk about a budget?"

2. Your partner likes to go to clubs with friends each weekend, but you like to spend more evenings at home together.

HARSH START-UP: "I'm sick of going out with your friends all the time." SOFTENED START-UP: "I feel like spending time alone together. How about if I cook a nice dinner on Saturday and we stay home for a change?"

3. After a bad day at work, you come home to a headache, a messy house, and two quarreling kids. Your partner arrives, turns on the baseball game, and asks, "What's for dinner?"

HARSH START-UP: "How the hell should I know? And why do I always have to cook?!" SOFTENED START-UP: "I don't know, and I don't feel very well. It would be great if you'd take care of dinner."

4. You'd like to make love tonight, but your partner's been distant. You wonder whether he even finds you attractive anymore.

HARSH START-UP: "What's wrong with your sex drive lately? You sure don't seem like the guy I married." SOFTENED START-UP: "I've really been missing you. Remember how we made love at the cabin last summer? Tell me what I can do to get you interested."

Now, draft a list of conflicts that are common in your marriage. Then think of ways you might start a conversation with your partner about these issues, using softened start-up.

Here are few simple rules to remember as you begin:

? Complain, don't criticize or blame.

? Start your sentences with "I" instead of "you." (Example: I feel anxious when we're running late," versus "You never seem to get ready on time.")

? Talk clearly about what you need. (Example: "I need for us to agree on our budget" versus "I wish you'd quit wasting money.")

? Be polite.

? Express appreciation.

THE COMMON CONFLICT:_________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

SOFTENED START-UP: _____________________________________________

THE COMMON CONFLICT:_________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

SOFTENED START-UP: _____________________________________________

THE COMMON CONFLICT:_________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ SOFTENED START-UP: _____________________________________________

THE COMMON CONFLICT:_________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ SOFTENED START-UP: _____________________________________________

THE COMMON CONFLICT:_________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ SOFTENED START-UP: _____________________________________________

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