1-Relationship Tools



1-Relationship Tools

2- The degree of personal and professional happiness, fulfillment and success we feel often depends on the quality of our interactions with others. Nothing exhilarates, uplifts, irritates, angers, or disappoints us the way the people in our lives do.

3 – Today we’re going to explore relationships, we going to define the word relationship, talk about different types of relationships, and then we’ll work with some tools that you can use to strengthen your relationships.

4 – What is a relationship? – Do you agree with the definitions? Does anyone have another definition that they want to share?

5 - You elect to have certain people in your life; many of the others are there just because.

Think about the people you have in your circle of influence such as family, work, school, neighborhood, or church.

How many of these people did you really choose to have a relationship with?

If you had a choice, are there any you would you rather not have to deal with?

How often does the opportunity arise to NOT deal with them? Do you find that there are more people you have to deal with as opposed to those you choose to deal with?

By choice or force you have to interact with people. You have to forge relationships. You have to invest in relationships. Not all relationships are good.

Do you have any bad relationships?

6 - It is important to know how to have a healthy relationship.

It’s also important to recognize when you are in an unhealthy relationship.

Healthy relationships increase self-esteem, improve mental and emotional health, and lead to a fuller life. “Christ came that we might have life and have it more abundantly”.

What is self-esteem? Why is it important? (Hand-out on self-esteem)

7 - If you don’t leave here with anything else I want you to remember that healthy relationships are based on respect!

8- Let’s look at the characteristics of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships

(Handout the green chart).

The goal is to feel calm, centered, and focused. A healthy relationship should be safe, supportive, respectful, and peaceful.

9 - Unhealthy relationships are the opposite – They are based on POWER and CONTROL. You’re afraid to say what’s really in or on your mind – You’re afraid to be honest (The key word is AFRAID). Sometimes you’re afraid to do things. It’s not good to live in fear. Would you agree that fear paralyzes you? Would you even say it stops you from growing? If you can’t grow, will you eventually die – maybe, maybe not?

Question – are these characteristics true in relationships other than those we may deem romantic or intimate? My answer is yes. No matter what, we are still human beings. We have rights!

You should be free to be who you are as opposed to what you think the other person wants you to be. You should be encouraged to grow personally and supported for your individuality. You should not wind up being emotionally, intellectually, or physically dependant on the other person in a relationship. Who should you totally depend on?

10 - When the giving and taking is unbalanced or severely one-sided, you get abuse. Abuse is the improper use of power by one person to the detriment of another. It is a pattern of hurtful behavior that a person uses to control another.

It can occur:

• in homes as child abuse or domestic violence,

• in workplaces as sexual or racial harassment,

• in church organizations as manipulative power plays

• and in governments or institutions as arrogant disregard for the needs of disadvantaged persons.

Can you name some forms of abuse?

11- There are many forms of abuse. The main categories are as follows:

1. Physical Violence

2. Sexual Violence

3. Verbal Violence

4. Emotional Violence

5. Spiritual Violence

6. Economic Violence

7. Social Violence

Every form manifests itself from an attempt by the abuser to exercise power and control over someone. That someone can be any age, a child, an elderly person, a spouse, a co-worker, or a date.

Abusers feel they have the right to control. Telling others what to do and expecting obedience. Using whatever force necessary to maintain the compliance.

(Several hand-outs. Review the ones in yellow - types of abuse, dating rights, date warnings, power wheels – DV & Workplace. Also, talk about how being in the church makes you naïve)

12 – Signs of Verbal & Child Abuse

I want to emphasize Verbal Abuse & Child Abuse

We do a lot of verbal abuse in the church.

Name Calling – we may not call a person a name, but this category includes sarcasm, ridiculing, and put-downs. I’ve seen some of that – have you?

Threats – to kill or damage property, to kill self, or harm friendships. – We may not kill physically, but we kill in other ways and some people purpose to do it.

Intimidation – Creating fear with facial expressions, tone of voice, gesture, or stopping another’s movement – breaking into vehicles, houses, destroying property.

Child abuse is such a secret, the effects last a lifetime perpetuating into future generations, and I suspect some of us church people know of cases and do nothing.

(Handout - child abuse).

The thing to remember about these signs of abuse is that they could be signs of some other problem not abuse. If a child is under stress from some other source – you might see these same symptoms – including poor self-image, unable to love or trust others, aggressive or disruptive behavior, intense anger or rage, self-destructive, self-abusive, or suicidal.

13 – If you suspect child abuse report it! Some states have mandatory reporting laws for child abuse. MANDATORY REPORTING is a law that requires that a person's knowledge of an abuse be reported to the authorities. If you work in certain capacities or maintain certain roles and suspect child abuse, you must report it. Most of the time the roles involve medical professionals, school officials, social workers, day care providers – anyone involved in activities with a child.

National Hotline numbers – state numbers

14 - Healthy equal relationships take some work but they are possible. I want you to remember this, we are all human beings. We all have some basic rights regardless to our position in life.

Your rights in a relationship are:

• To be treated with respect – and define what respect is for you

• To decide what is important for you and set your priorities

• To have and express your own feelings and opinions

• To have a different view and not feel guilty

• To be listened to and taken seriously

• To ask for what you want

• To make mistakes and be allowed to try again

Each right has a responsibility – to behave in the same way towards the other person.

15- You have to develop relationship skills to effectively connect with others.

Successful people skills can be learned, enhanced and developed. Regardless of how much you already know there is always room for refinement. It’s a process. You have to work at it. We all have to keep our people skills sharp!

Self-knowledge, respecting and understanding others is important for healthy relationships.

I wish I had time to explore self- esteem, self-confidence –egos. I wish I could do more on Anger Management. We could actually work on this stuff for days.

The last part of the session will concentrate on improving your Communication Skills and we’ll talk a little about Conflict Resolution. I think these skills are absolutely essential for a healthy relationship.

16 – What is Effective Communication?

To communicate, someone expresses his or her wants, feelings, thoughts, or opinions and another person hears it and understands it.

Relationships are full of feelings and emotions. Emotions muddy the water. Mud reduces visibility. Emotions prevent us from seeing the facts as they really are. Sometimes these emotions make us give out the wrong signals and our communication lines are confused.

Effective communication exists between two people when the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender intended it.

We have to learn to express ourselves clearly, and then we have to listen and understand what is being communicated to us.

17 – SELF-EXPRESSION

Self-expression is all about getting your message across to others. It is not always easy.

Do you know why? – Emotions

Do you think this happens frequently?

Has it happened to you? Has it ever happened at work, school, in church?

Has anyone misinterpreted what you were saying?

Here are some strategies to help you communicate more effectively.

Overcome Barriers

Sometimes people won’t speak up for fear of being wrong, ridicule, disapproval or rejection. People with low self-esteem may not speak up at all. If you have a real concern and you don’t express it, it is not going to disappear.

Another problem is expecting people to read your mind. If you want people to respond to your ideas and needs, you have to be able to say what they are and say it in a way that will make others want to respond nicely.

Use “I” Statements

For personal communication (especially if you’re emotional), use “I’ statements. Try to state negative comments in the "I" form rather than the "You" form. For example, "I did not hear from you" instead of "You did not call me". “I” messages don’t involve judgment or blame.

"I" statements are less likely to evoke a negative or defensive response on the part of the listener.

A simple change of pronouns can make a sentence sound less like an accusation and more like a neutral statement. But, simply changing the pronoun may not be enough (handout – 5 ways to say I– Item 3 on the handout – Sis. Litrea has some I stuff too. ).

Avoid Questions that aren’t Questions

Avoid using questions that are not really questions. If I were to say, “Doesn’t that upset you?” I’m probably trying to say, “That upsets me”. If you want to find out what people are feeling or thinking, use an open-ended question. For example, How do you feel about what just happened?

How, what, and why questions are open-ended questions. They elicit information and understanding. Use closed questions to help with clarification.

Stroking

This involves letting the other person know you respect them even if you are angry or disagree with them. It means finding something genuinely positive to say to the other person. Show a respectful attitude. You use this technique in difficult interactions.

Think of it like this, you may dislike your child’s behavior, but not your child.

You can dislike what a person is doing

You can disagree with what they’re thinking

You can be uncomfortable with what they are feeling

But you won’t gain anything if you judge or condemn them as a person.

Examples include: “I genuinely respect you for having the courage to bring this problem to me.” “I admire your strength and your caring attitude.”

Use positive language and compliments. Watch out for qualifiers such as - but

A message can be framed in a positive way or a negative way. Rather than point out what someone has done wrong, stress the positive things that can be done to remedy the problem or situation. You can be polite and still have a negative message (Handout - Positive Characteristics & Phrases).

A lot of people will start with a positive statement and then use the word but. But acts like an eraser. It will eliminate everything that came before it.

Example: - Sis. Litrea

Ask for Feedback

Ask how your messages are being received. This helps to make sure you are communicating what you think you are.

Notice Non-verbal Messages

Have you ever heard the saying: “It isn’t what you say, it’s the way you say it”? I think Pastor Franklin says – “It’s all in your presentation”

How many disagree with those statements?

What are non-verbal messages? – Body language. Voice – its anything used in communication that replaces or reinforces spoken communication.

We are talking about facial expressions, gestures and movements, where we are sitting or standing relative to the people we are speaking to.

The point here is, try not to send non-verbal messages that disagree with the words you are using.

18 - Listening

Communication fails because people have not actually heard the message or have listened to part of it. Listening is the cornerstone of effective communication.

Our relationships suffer if we do not listen effectively or if we don’t have people to listen to us from time to time. If there is no listener – we start to feel lonely and isolated. We are attracted to people who listen. They calm and support us.

Think about your best friend. Do you consider them a good listener?

Difference between Hearing and Listening

Hearing is purely physical. Listening involves not only hearing sounds but also responding. You must shut out distractions and focus on what is being said.

People make assumptions about what other people mean when they speak. They base these assumptions on their own perceptions. Try to remember to check your perceptions:

• What do I think is happening?

• What does the other person think is happening?

We have trouble communicating because we are different. Our cultures, our perceptions, our environments effect our communication. When you are talking your motives are obvious to you. But, the other person may never perceive them. Many instances of rudeness, stubbornness, inconsistencies, or refusal to co-operate are really caused by differences in communication or conversational style (example – Dialog Exercise).

What are the conclusions from each group? – Ann said that insignificant comments would often spark an explosion and lead to an irrational battle.

John communicated indirectly. Lots of people communicate indirectly. He prefers not to say exactly what he means in so many words. He assumed people don’t just blurt out what they want – that to him is being coercive and he doesn’t want to deny a direct request. He assumed Ann was hinting (via her 1st question) that she wanted to go visit her sister. Then when she asked again, are you sure you want to go – he assumed she was hinting that she didn’t. Ann wanted to accommodate his preference and John wanted to accommodate Ann’s preference – instead they just had a fight.

What can we do about this? - Learn to stop and remind ourselves that others may not mean what we heard them say.

Listening is a matter of concentration. The more attention paid, the better the listening. Listening skills involves

• Being receptive to others.

• Suspending your own ideas and

• Being able to understand another person’s perspective.

19 – Active listening

Shows you have understood the other person and acknowledged their feelings or concerns. It involves our focused attention and we communicate this both verbally and non-verbally. It is the ability to take in the whole message – what was said and the feelings underneath the words.

Let’s talk a little about these strategies.

• Don’t interrupt – give them time and space to say what they have to say

• Stop talking – You can’t listen if you’re talking. Even if the talking is to yourself in your own head. Stop thinking about what you are going to say in response.

• Focus – actively attend to the other person’s words, ideas, and feelings. Ask for more detail or ask them to expand on certain things

• Eliminate distractions – avoid taking notes, watch your hands

• Positive Body Language – eye contact, affirmative head nods, smiles, display interest.

• Paraphrasing – using your own words to reflect that you have understood the message

• Summarizing – brief statement containing key words and feelings to show you have understood the main points of what was said.

• Inquiry – ask appropriate open-ended questions (what makes open ended questions – how, what, why). The goal is to lead the speaker into exploration and elaboration. You can use closed/focused questions for clarification. You need both for good communication.

• Listen to how something is said - do more than concentrate on the words, listen and be aware of the emotions and the reactions behind the content.

• Disarming Technique – find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if you feel what they are saying is totally wrong, unreasonable, irrational, or unfair. To me this helps you find common ground – a place to start to negotiate.

(Handout – things that get in the way of active listening)

Active Listening Activity – Sis. Litrea.

Each Group – tell me 2 things you’ve concluded from the Communications Skills portion of the workshop.

20 – Summary

21 – Conflict Resolution

Conflicts arise when people don’t agree. Everyone wants to participate in decisions that affect them. Fewer and fewer people will accept decisions dictated by someone else.

So guess what? People differ and there will be conflicts.

Conflicts can be destructive or constructive. There are 3 common ways to resolve a conflict:

Fight – two or more people are aggressive with one another. Fighting is done with words, weapons, or fists. There is a battle of some sort, and there will be a winner and a loser. Is this constructive or destructive?

Flight - one person walks away from the conflict. The problem is left unresolved. Again, there’s a winner and a loser.

Common "flight" language includes: "talk to the hand", "never mind", "just forget it", "whatever", etc. Is this constructive or destructive? Why?

Flow - both people walk away from the conflict satisfied with the solution, which was reached together. Conflict resolution encourages everyone to "Go for the flow" and create win-win solutions!

Conflict resolution moves away from Us vs. Them. It is about finding and capitalizing on the opportunity that exists in the event. It is a coming together to solve a problem. Win-lose is replaced by win-win. I came across a saying I like – we need to move from the Age of Me to the Era of We.

Conflict management helps us to preserve our personal and work relationships. It pays to learn the basics of conflict resolution for both our physical and mental health.

22 – Assertive Behavior

Let’s talk a little bit about Assertive Behavior. It is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights without anxiety and in a way that doesn’t step on the rights of other people.

It’s the middle ground between being a bully and being a doormat.

Assertiveness can be situational -- you may assert yourself with some people and in some places, and not in others.

(Handout Assertiveness Quiz and colored Behavior Arrow)

There are 3 parts:

Validation – try to find and say something that shows your understanding of the other person’s feelings. This will show that you are not trying to pick a fight. It should take the wind out of their sails.

State your difficulty or dissatisfaction and tell why you need it to change.

Make a specific request for a specific change in the other persons behavior.

If we look at this next handout – How to be effectively assertive – you’ll see what I’m talking about.

(Is aggressive behavior acceptable? If not, why do we tolerate it?)

Aggressive behavior is not really acceptable at work, and for the most part anywhere else. People just tend to tolerate it, because they shy away from conflict.

If you are passive in some situations, you can tend to become aggressive in others.

If you are passive, you can build up anger and resentment and "explode" into aggressive behavior-bypassing assertive behavior altogether.

Assertive behavior must be responsible behavior but it is our right to make our feelings and desires known without retreating into submissive behavior.

* Assertive people are good time managers.

* Assertive people can ask for what they want.

* Assertive people can say "YES." Assertive people can say "NO" (NO is a complete sentence)

* Assertive people can accept a compliment. Assertive people can accept criticisms.

*Assertiveness can be learned.

23 – Rules for the Road

Just like there are driving rules that reduce the chance of collision (right of way, yield, stop signs, traffic lights) there are rules that allow you to co-exist and function with other people even if you disagree. It is possible to deal with differences in an effective way so that both sides are more satisfied.

First, be respectful of other people’s rights and feelings.

Check out your hot buttons – everybody has triggers that set off feelings of anger, unfairness, injury, insult, or hurt. Become familiar with these triggers. Find alternative perspectives so you are less bothered.

Slow down your physiological responses to anger. Take the time to think through the situation and not have a knee jerk reaction.

Seek to understand the other person. Stop the escalation. Promote understanding between the parties. You can do this by understanding the other person views with respect – use paraphrasing. If everyone does this you will see an immediate reduction in tension.

Separate the problem from the person. This may be difficult but it’s worth it. It prevents escalation. Talk about the problem. Don’t talk about the person in a way that makes personality assessments.

Example: Performance review – Joan is a messy person. Instead – Joan’s desk is always cluttered with papers, clear your desk each evening before you leave work.

Unite against the problem. Once you separate the person from the problem come together to solve it.

Example: You’re greedy and selfish.

We have to think of ways to stay in our budget and satisfy everyone’s needs. Let’s put our heads together and come up with something.

24 – Fair Fighting

Defuse anger by simply agreeing. Find some truth in the other point of view. If you do that it’s hard for the other person to continue to be angry (why are we arguing). Example – I know I said I’d call, you are absolutely right; I have got to be more responsible.

You have to come to an agreement on what the problem is. Then there should be some back and forth speaking and listening using most of the communication skills we talked about earlier.

Then brainstorm some solutions. I have a handout for the rules of brainstorming - you’re looking for quantity as opposed to quality at this point.

Evaluate the proposed solutions – eliminate some – pick a solution.

25 – Do’s & Don’ts

Just a little summary on conflict resolution.

26 – Questions/comments

References:

How to Win Friends & Influence People – Dale Carnegie

That’s Not What I Meant! – Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.

The Argument Culture – Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.

Building Better Relationships – Bobbie Yagel

Getting to Yes – Roger Fisher and William Ury

The Art of Communication – Hal Warfield –

Recognizing Signs of Child Abuse –

What is Abuse –

Healthy Relationship Characteristics – unl.edu/health/characteristics.html

Healthy vs. Abusive Relationships – recovery-

Healthy Relationships – oc.edu.womensoc/healthy-relationships.htm

What Missionaries Ought to know about Sexual Abuse – Ronald L. Koteskey

The Dynamics of Abuse – hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/dynamics.htm

When it Happens to someone you care about – jccn.iowa-city.ia.us

Child Sexual Assault – hnws.on.ca/childsexabuse.html

Domestic Violence AN Addiction to Power and Control – \

Healthy Relationships with Older Family Members – cfc-efx.ca/docs/fscan/00000925.htm

Power and Control vs Equality – pwrcntrl.html

American Institute on Domestic Violence – aidv-

Interpersonal Conflict and Effective Communication –

Assertive Behavior – skills/assert.html

Tools for Coping with Life’s Stressors –

Assertive Communication - University of Iowa Counseling Service – uiowa.edu/~ucs/asertcom.html

Dealing with Differences – Shachi D. Shantinath, Ph.D. –

Fighting Fair to Resolve Conflicts – University of Texas at Austin – utesas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/fighting/fighting.html

It takes two-A way to understand Relationship Conflicts – Tamara A. Ilich, M.S. - Emotional Wellness Matters

SIUC Mental Health Web – Managing Anger – siu.edu/offices/counsel/anger.htm

Conflict, Aggression, & Assertiveness – .au/~anderson/isu/relatea.htm

Relationship Conflict: Healthy or Unhealthy – Larry Alan Nadig, Ph.D.

Conflict Resolution – Massey University Counseling Service –

Listen Up! Enhancing Our Listening Skills – Health Quest – articles/listenup.html

Listening – Massey University Counseling Service –

Controlling Anger in Relationships – Chuck T. Falcon

Effective Interpersonal Communication – Trinity College Dublin

Tips on Effective Listening – Larry Alan Nadig, Ph.D.

Los Angeles Commission on Assaults Against Women –

Understanding and Strengthening Healthy Relationships Between Adult Children and Parents – Lynda K. Fowler

Healthy Relationships: Their Influence on Physical Health –

Jennifer Holmes, M.A. – bccf.bc.ca/learn/health_relations.html

Relationship Test – Graphic Insight –

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