Is she going in with the perspective that 'the time has ...



What You Need To Know Before You Fall In Love-Notes

2 broad questions

Is she going in with the perspective that "the time has come" to get in a relationship?

How afraid is she of commitment?

Purpose of this book:

1. Acquire awareness of basic relationship principles (i.e. what makes work or fail)

2. Develop understanding of dynamics in own families and own personalities

3. Learn to relate and talk to each other, and to resolve conflict.

Why people fall in love:

Some good reasons: Companionship (to be intimate/share life with someone), to have a family(though not to use the other person to do so), for emotional security

Some not so great ones: Didn't want to be alone, wanted someone to take care of them, wanted to get away from parents, biological clock was ticking, hormones were boiling, it was what was expected of them

Rebounding, Rebellion, Escape, Physical Beauty, Loneliness, Social Pressure, Financial or Personal Gain, Sheer Romance

Initially judge by looks often

Intrinsic motives ("Who we are as a couple")

Instrumental motives ("What other person can do for you")

External motives ("Least personal, externally applied reasons for you to marry")

Some Myths about Engagement and Marriage

If engaged I'm irrevocably committed

It's better to marry someone I'm not sure about than to suffer embarrassment of breaking off the engagement.

Since we're engaged and going to get married anyway, there's no harm in getting involved sexually.

We have been having sex and therefore have to marry because the Bible says so.

We have had some problems while dating, but they will fade away when married.

As long as we love each other, that's all that matters.

Premarital counseling is a waste of time.

Living together will tell us if our marriage will be successful.

Marriage is the key to a fulfilled and happy life.

Happiness is the main purpose of marriage.

My commitment to Christ will guarantee that my marriage will work.

If our relationship takes hard work, we must not be right for each other.

My spouse can and should meet most, if not all, of my needs.

If we don't always feel love for each other, that means our relationship is in trouble.

If I want it to be pleasing to Christ, then I should think only of my partner's needs.

Communication Myths

Partners must be totally open and honest with each other all the time (?!?).

If my partner loves me, they will know and understand my needs and wants without me telling them directly.

Positive feedback is not as important to a relationship as direct and honest communication about our complaints and concerns.

In any argument, one person is always right and the other is always wrong.

In a happy relationship, there will be very few, if any disagreements or conflicts.

Romantic partners should agree on or work toward identical viewpoints.

A picture of a healthy marriage

Ask about yourself:

How much do you depend on your parents?

Are you capable of functioning on your own? (finances, housing, food, transportation)

Do you know what you want in life? Do you have specific goals and realistic plans?

Are you basically happy with who you are? Do you like yourself?

Do you understand your happiness is not dependent upon the person you love?

Knows how to put we ahead of me (and are better together than apart)

Those who love each other will want to spend time together.

Do things out of love, not a desire to be noticed/appreciated/given back to.

Being honest about needs, desires, expectations, and opinions even in trivial matters.

Bring conflicts into the open and resolve them.

Sharing what we are feeling in a given situation.

There is no boss. Individual talents are used.

Know that times may be hard, and let these make them better, not bitter.

Understand that sex is important and an act of love and communication.

Factors in Choosing

Geographic Proximity

Legal and Moral Considerations

Physical Attraction (also age)

Socioeconomic Class (above race, religion, age or ethnic group)

Personal Values: how another person's self status, beliefs, and values match w/yours on:

(i) Religion

(ii) Life goals (career vs. family, countryside vs. city, # children, lifestyle level, joiner vs. non-joiner, goals in church and community)

(iii) Politics

(iv) Sex

Role Compatibility-How well do we fit as a couple?

If too much alike (same strengths and weaknesses) not so good-competition, if so different that uncomfortable also would not be good

-Decision making and Problem solving (is one dominating?)

-Leisure and relaxation

-Husband and wife Roles (what are you good at?), In Laws

Psychological and Intrapsychic factors-Complements attract (not just similar/different)

-Introvert and Extrovert

-The Realist and the Dreamer

-The Thinker (often scientists, business...) and the Feeler (often a people person)

-Often homogeneity in socioeconomic, race religion, values, leisure, roles, attractiveness, social status, educational background is good

Maturity level: Self-esteem, unresolved emotional pain, identity formation

Our parents affect us: We choose someone who reminds us of significant emotional experiences which took place in our families during our growing up years, and the traits to which we are most strongly attracted tend to be the negative ones.

True Intimacy

Takes work, is intensely personal, is sustained and developed over long periods of time, involves self disclosure, involves accountability, involves negotiating

Requires a mature adult identity (know and be comfortable with yourself)

-Difficulties can arise if one comes from a home with overprotective parents (fears intimacy) or aloof parents (clingy)

What do you know about your personality? Your best qualities and attributes? What evidence results in these conclusions?

What are your most negative qualities and attributes?

Spiritual gifts, temperament tests

*****Does she think for herself and make her own decisions about things?****

Did she go through a process where she examined and questioned her core beliefs?

Was there a time when she established financial independence?

Was there a time when she lived without direct emotional support from her parents?

When she interacts with her parents, can she approach on an adult to adult basis?

All families are somewhat dysfunctional, doesn't have to repeat itself though.

Summary

Marriage: A blueprint from God

To reproduce Godly children

To manage God's creation

To mutually complete one another

To replace isolation with companionship

To model Christ's relationship with the Church

................
................

In order to avoid copyright disputes, this page is only a partial summary.

Google Online Preview   Download