Merely a Freshman



Merely a Freshman

I saw him again. It was my first day at the university and I didn’t feel a thing… no anger, no pain. He was now an attractive frat boy in the senior class, and I was just an ex- girlfriend whom he took advantage of years ago.

I was a freshman in high school when I met this senior “stud” in my photography class. He made me feel special just by looking at me, and I was infatuated with his look. My friends often told me that he had a bad reputation, but all that mattered to me at the time was that he made me feel special; so we went out a few times. Eventually he asked me to be his girlfriend and that was something I would have never even expected. After we had been going out for a week or so, he asked me to skip fourth period class to go out for a nice lunch. I was so naïve and at the time, I would have done anything for him. He wanted to surprise me, so he blind-folded me. The next thing I knew, we were in my room. He had taken my keys from my bag and driven to my house. No one was home, and he said that he just wanted to be alone with me. I thought it was sweet, but at the same time I was a little freaked out. I had never been alone with a guy that I really liked, and I didn’t want to stop kissing him. He started to become aggressive, but I didn’t say anything because I was afraid that I would “ruin the moment”. He ruined the moment, all by himself. When I realized that he had no plans to stop, I tried to get him off. He knew that I was crazy about him and all he could say was, “You want it just as much as I do.” Well, he never stopped, and I was raped.

I couldn’t forgive myself for two years. I felt it was my fault for leaving school early with him and allowing him to blind-fold me. I felt so naïve for even thinking that someone as attractive and popular as him could like a little girl like me. I felt helpless and weak. This incident had brought me to a state of depression that I wish upon no one else.

I was obsessed with putting myself down. I repeatedly told myself that I was the failure in the family. I thought I had nothing going for me, because I had no control over what happened to me, so why even be here? I thought everyone, including myself would be better off if I was gone because I’d be out of the way. It was hard to make friends because I felt that everyone was out to get me. I couldn’t trust anyone. My grades were horrible. I didn’t care about school or anything else. There were nights when I would cry myself to sleep because I felt so alone and weak. Everyone around me knew that there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t as lively as I was always before, but I always said I was “fine!” I went through a series of bad relationships with guys, both young and old. Nothing ever worked. I wasn’t ready to be with anyone.

Coming from a highly conservative, Roman Catholic family, it was nearly impossible to discuss the issue with my family. In the Catholic faith, pre-marital sex is unacceptable; so I felt that I too, was unacceptable. I was afraid of what my friends and family would think if I opened up. I thought people would think that I was dirty and weak. I thought people would tell me not to think about the past, but the memory haunted me for years.

All my sisters ever did was try to make me happy, and all I ever did was push them away. They tried to take me out with them to parties to meet people. They could tell that I wasn’t making any friends at school because I never talked to anyone. They would buy me little gifts to let me know that people thought of me. At the time, they were the most annoying individuals I had ever come across with. They never left me alone. I lied to them about what I did and where I went just because I didn’t want them to know who I was seeing or what I was doing, even if I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I just couldn’t talk to anyone about anything.

I never told anyone about the incident until my junior year in high school. It wasn’t until I was in the hospital after I purposely overdosed on acetaminophen as a suicide attempt that I realized I needed help. My life had almost ended, if it were not for my brother finding me. The doctors told me that I wouldn’t have made it if my brother hadn’t brought me to the hospital. I had never seen my father cry until the day I was in the hospital. I will never forget how much my family was affected that day. For the three days that I stayed at the hospital, I always had my family by my side. I was finally convinced that I was loved, and that someone truly cared. I was given a second chance. I opened up and got help.

I started to see a psychologist, but they recommended me to a psychiatrist because I was told that I needed to take anti-depressants. It seemed like the drugs weren’t working, and I thought I was going to go right back to where I was before. After several weeks of therapy, my psychiatrist helped me realized that I was the only person who could change the way I think and feel. I just needed to talk about what had happened and help myself. After remembering how selfish I had been to think that my life didn’t matter to anyone, I changed my outlook on life.

I realized how important one’s life is, not only to oneself, but to those who love you and care about you. I told my sisters what I had been through. I finally realized why they were always upset with me in the past. They didn’t know what I was going through, and they thought I was just doing everything I could to keep them from knowing anything about my personal life. I was forgiven for pushing them away for so long, and they understood why I had been so depressed. They are no longer annoying because they’re always trying to help me, but they’re now my best friends because they want to help me.

I went through two years of therapy and I have never been in such high spirits since then. If I hadn’t helped myself, the therapy would’ve been useless. I can finally stop blaming myself for something that I can’t control. I realized how important my life is to others. I was being selfish to think that everything would be better if I was gone. Now, I can truly say that I am the happiest person alive. I appreciate friendship and family so much more now. I get along with people better. I’m even studying hospitality management. I have a family that will always be here for me and friends that I could not replace. I appreciate life so much more because I was given a second chance. I feel like I was born again. I now know that everything people say or do to me is a reflection of themselves, and it has nothing to do with the person that I am. I have complete control of how I will react to what happens to me, and I must forgive myself if I can’t control what happens to me. I hope that through sharing my experiences, I can help others deal with or prevent such situations.

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