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Pigeons By The CharlesA Romantic comedy in Two Acts.ByPeter C. MurrayCopyright 2018, Box 102 By Peter C. Murray Tamworth NH, 03886Telephone: 603-323-7304Email. Petercmurray26@Cast of Characters.Kurt Denmark. Kurt is your average Joe College guy. Chet Brewer. Kurt’s roommate. Chet is a book smart Psyche major. Julie Alexander. Your typical girl next door who enjoys the Red Sox. Phyliss Crum. Julie’s roommate from Spartanburg South Carolina. Blaine Morgan. An upper classman and member of a fraternity. He is a soccer player, loves playing guitar and is a bit vacant upstairs.Charlotte Van Nordstrom. Julie’s therapist in her thirties. SceneA Park along The Charles River in Boston, near Boston University.TimeA span of about 15 years from the mid 2000’s to the present.Special Actor notes.The four main characters that interact with the pigeons should make the audience believe we are seeing them on stage.Sound effects.Pigeon coos, pigeon fights, the sound of pigeon wings.Synopsis.Kurt Denmark and Julie Alexander meet at the Charles River their Freshman year at Boston University. Kurt is a Marketing and Business Major, while Julie is studying journalism. They meet at a college frat party. The two of them are at a crossroads. Julie has been dating the soccer frat brother Blaine Morgan who constantly proves how unfaithful he is. Kurt is getting over his relationship with his high school sweetheart, Charlotte Cabot-Smith, who dumped him cruelly over the phone at a college frat party. Kurt and Julie share a common bond throughout the show, their love of the pigeons by the Charles. They feed them, name them and think of them as their parents.Through their two best friends, Chet Brewer and Phyliss Crum, we watch Julie and Kurt navigate the tricky terrane of friendship into love and marriage. The terrane from friendship into marriage is often a comedic struggle. Through the tough times there is one bond that keeps them together, the pigeons by the Charles. I-1-1.ACT ONE.Scene One.TIME.Fall evening.SETTING.A Park by The Charles River Boston.AT RISE.Three benches from SR to SL. A set of hedges behind the SR bench. KURT DENMARK enters SL with CHET BREWER. KURT is Joe college Freshman. CHET, the same, with a medium build and book smart looks. KURT dangles four beers from his six pack, while he and CHET drink from the missing two. CHET takes a seat SC. CHET.I’m thinking we should pledge. Zipper was telling me that Lambda Chi Alpha is the most popular frat at BU. KURT.It’s a selling point.CHET.Hey, where’d you scarf the beers from?plimentary six pack from Zipper if I joined Lambda Chi Alpha.CHET.Selling point? (KURT confirms with a nod.) Why did you drag me out here? I wanted to see if my bolt threads with Ms. Southern Belle’s nut.KURT.Who thought of the insane concept of a nuts and bolts party?CHET.Zipper and that Blaine Morgan guy. Selling point.KURT.Blaine Morgan the Soccer guy hording bolts? I-1-2.KURT. (Continued.)(CHET nods and takes a sip of his beer.) More power to him. (KURT takes a seat and thumbs through a small Russian phrase book.) CHET.Oh no! Not this again. I will not do this. (CHET snatches the book.) KURT.Hand that back Chet. I want to tell Charlotte in Russian how bad this party sucks. CHET.You’re supposed to forget Charlotte Cabot-Smith.KURT.Damn her father. He can stick his country club up his ass.CHET.Kurt, Ms. Moneybags has frosted your head. Girls ask me about you. They say who’s the cute hermit you room with? In otherWords drop her from the game and pick up someone new.(JULIE ALEXANDER, the girl next doorenters SR like an angry typhoon, tugging her Boston Red Sox cap with fury.CHET whacks KURT and points to JULIE.) The Sox must have lost.JULIE.(JULIE’S turns her rage on CHET.) What did you say?CHET.The Sox must have lost.JULIE.Are you a Yankees fan? My Sox beat your stinking Yankees ten to six.(JULIE gives CHET and KURT the once over.) Men! (A primal scream. She throws a nutI-1-3.and hits KURT. KURT, lets out a howl.)KURT.Women! Watch where you throw things. (CHET shows the nut to KURT. JULIEscowls and takes a seat with her arms folded.) CHET.Someone must have upset her at the frat party. I’m guessing a guy. Here, I’ll show you how this is done.(Addresses JULIE.) Pardon me miss, you wouldn’t happen to be a Drama Major, would you?JULIE. Don’t you even think about coming on to me. CHET.I wouldn’t. All I asked is whether you were..JULIE.No, I’m not a Drama Major. Maybe I should be after all the drama I’ve had tonight. I am a Journalism Major! (CHET, startled drops the nut and the bolt on the floor. JULIE, a sarcastic chuckle. She snatches the nut and bolt off the ground.)Okay, I’ll play this dumb ass game. (A feeble effort threading the nut with the bolt.)We’re not a match. Happy now frat boy! A nuts and bolts party. Misogynistic assholes. I’m done with this Prince Charming crap. Do I look like Cinderella? KURT.It is misogynistic. Sorry for what happened to you, whatever it may be. CHET.(Pulls KURT aside.) See. I’ll leave you two alone.KURT.For what purpose?I-1-4.CHET.Oh my god, Charlotte is so far inside that head, you’veforgotten how to woo another woman. KURT.Woo? What is this, seventeenth century France. Who says woo these days. I am not wooing a pissed off woman. (JULIE rises and stares at the stars.) JULIE.To be one of those stars right now. Not a care in the world. KURT.Right up there, you can see the Gemini Twins. It’s one of the bigger constellations. (JULIE, blank stare. CHET shakes his head.) You’re not into Astronomy?JULIE.I’m not buying your bullshit. KURT.Fine, just trying to make pleasant conversation. (KURT moves away. JULIE watches KURT count the stars.) JULIE.All right Mr. Astronomy where’s Capricorn?KURT.I take it your Capricorn. (JULIE confirms with a nod.)CHET.Astronomy is so cliche. It’s like astrology. KURT.I’m Virgo, the tidy constellation.CHET.Kurt, you actually went there didn’t you. (JULIE, blank stare.) That’s a joke. Virgos are tidy people.I-1-5.CHET.First rule of comedy Kurt don’t explain the joke.KURT.(An angry stomp of the foot.)Capricorn is not out yet. It’s the twins Castor and Pollux. CHET.(Rolls his eyes.) Quick Doc, I have a Castor in my foot. Can you remove it? What about this Pollux on my face? Now that’s a joke.KURT.(Sharp in CHET’S direction.)Castor and Pollux are from Greek mythology! Charlotte, my ex, knows a lot about the mythology. (JULIE, another blank stare.)CHET.No! Never talk about your breakup! You sound like a pathetic sap.KURT.I think Russian is her favorite.CHET.Yes, it is and when Charlotte’s mad at him, she speaks Russian so fast it makes his head spin. (KURT throws an empty beer at in CHET. A fast duck.)All right that’s it. I don’t need the abuse. I’ll go entertain myself at the party. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky with Ms. Southern Belle. (CHET exits SL.)JULIE.(OFS a beer bottle crash and a loud howl.)Is this what college is going to be, night after night of juvenile drinking?(JULIE drools for KURT’S BEER. KURT offers her one.) Thanks, I’ve been craving one of those. (JULIE pops the can and takes a strong guzzle.) I-1-6.JULIE. (Continued.)Sorry I took my anger out on you. This night has sucked. I shouldn’t have generalized.KURT.(KURT and JULIE clink of cans.and then she swallows her beer.) Kurt Denmark.JULIE.(Spits out her beer. KURT offers her a tissue.) I am so sorry for laughing. I think you’re the first person I’ve met named after a country. (JULIE examines his face.) Yeah, I can see you as a Denmark. Have you ever been to your namesake?KURT.No, I’ve only been as far as Nova Scotia.JULIE.You haven’t lived until you’ve been to Denmark. My Dad took me there when he was on his honeymoon with my Stepmother Una.KURT.He took you on a honeymoon? You must have felt like a third wheel.JULIE.It was actually kind of cool. When Dad and Una wanted some alone time, I went for walks up this hill in Arhus. There was a river that ran right through the valley and you could see everything. Breathtaking. (Finishes her beer and checks her watch.)I guess I better go find my purse before someone barfs in it.(JULIE freezes. A slow burn.) Look at Blaine Morgan preening around like some sort of peacock. He’s like all those players my mom talks about on her radio show.KURT.You’re Mom’s on the radio?I-1-7.JULIE.Doctor Doris on WKPL. A huge phony. She claims my Dad cheated on her. The real story is she had an affair with some young twenty-year-old Psyche student.KURT.Maybe she was going through a rough time.JULIE.Going through a rough time? (Laughs at the absurdity.)Excuse me, my mother has never gone through a rough time. She’s all about herself.KURT.No need to get huffy. People are complicated. JULIE.People are complicated? I suppose you had the all American family?KURT.Pretty normal actually. Dad’s a fisherman in Gloucester and my Mom works for the DMV. My Mom and Dad have a great marriage. Dad coached my Baseball team. If Mom hadn’t been there, I never would have made it to college. I owe them a lot. I pay it forward when I can. JULIE.You are rare strange breed Kurt Denmark. Thanks for the beer and sorry I got mad. KURT.Have a nice night.JULIE.You too.(JULIE rises and freezes. The anger returns.)Blaine is headed off with that Felicity girl. I’ll bust his head open with a beer keg.KURT.Wow, you’re a real woman of the amazon. (JULIE laughs and smiles at KURT.I-1-8.KURT fidgets.)KURT. (Continued.)What?JULIE.You have a little beer foam on your lower lip. (Wipes the beer off KURT’S lip.)All right Mr. Astronomy teach me about the sky. (Sits with KURT and takes in the stars. PHYLISS CRUM, a statuesque blonde wild and out of control bursts from SR with CHET following her like a horny jackrabbit.)CHET.I thought you were going to fall off the table.PHYLISS.I do believe I was dancing.CHET.With the Rugby team? Those guys are animals. All that pawing and biting…and judging by your screams…PHYLISS.I don’t need to be preached to about my screams. I am lectured enough by my sanctimonious Televangelist Father, Sanford Crum. CHET.I’m sorry. All I wanted was to see if my bolt threaded into your nut. It might fit. PHYLISS.I can assure you it doesn’t. (Sees JULIE on the benchconsumed with the sky.) Julie, there you are. I swear to you that there are a gaggle of edible studs at the party. Get back up girland take another ride. Julip? Are you listening to me? (Peers over JULIE. KURT shows her a star. PHYLISS giggles, he’sscrumptious.) I-I-9.PHYLISS. (Continued.)You are getting back on the horse. Who’s the cute boy ya’ll been hiding from the rest of us?JULIE.Kurt this is my roommate Phyliss. Please excuse her, she tends to come on a little strong.CHET.Strong is her middle name.PHYLISS.Is it possible for you to keep your judgments to yourself?CHET.That’s going to be hard to do. I came out of the womb studying people’s habits.PHYLISS.Go back to the womb. Julie, tell Aunt Phyliss what Kurt is about.JULIE.Well Auntie Phyl, Kurt is named after a country.PHYLISS.If that don’t beat all. What country are you named afterSugar? CHET.How come he gets sugar and I get sugarshits.PHYLISS.He’s marvy and you’re just… (Examines CHET.) a sugarshits. (Addresses KURT.) What country was that again?KURT.Denmark.PHYLISS.Isn’t that precious. Think of the variety of nicknames you can have. Denny, Dane, or…how about Mr. Scandinavia?I-1-10.CHET.(Examines KURT.) Sorry I can’t see Kurt as a body builder. Pee Wee Herman ismore his style. PHYLISS.Don’t listen to him. I think your name is darling. It’s a lot better than my name. Ya’ll try growing up with the name Crum. KURT.You have it rough with that name. PHYLISS.Julie stop moping and let’s go check out the gaggle of hotstuds I’ve been admiring. (KURT catches her eye. A burst of excitement.) Wait a minute. Three of us should go out. I can act as your chaperone. JULIE.Phyliss you are making the two of us uncomfortable.PHYLISS.Just trying to be helpful dear. You need someone to forgetBlaine. JULIE.You told me to go out with him.PHYLISS.Oh, well, that was shortsighted on my part.(Another idea comes to her.) I know. How about that cute Dennis Schneider fellow? JULIE.He’s wearing a beer bong made from a Red Sox helmet.CHET.She’s got you there Phyl. It’s kind of hard to date a guy who sucks out of a funnel and needs a bib.PHYLISS.Are we intimate?I-1-11.CHET.We could be if you would…PHYLISS.If we’re not intimate, I would appreciate it if you would dispense with calling me Phyl. CHET.Listen, all I want to do is get to know you.PHYLLIS.Since orientation you have been trying to get know me. I want you to leave me alone. CHET.All right, but you don’t know what could happen if we just talked. PHYLISS.Go away child. Julip, you can either sit here and feel sorry for yourself, or ya’ll can do what I’m going to do.CHET.I do declare, Scarlett is going to sample the cheese.PHYLISS.I can assure you of one thing. You’re one piece of cheese I won’t be sampling. (Exits SR.) CHET.Oh, that hurt. Shot down. What am I to do? I guess I’ll get some shuteye and cry myself to sleep. Son, I’ll leave the light on outside for you when you decide to return.KURT.Very funny. (CHET exits SL.) JULIE.I better head off too. (JULIE an abrupt stop SL.) Oh damn!KURT.What is it? I-1-12.JULIE.Phyliss is sucking beer out of Dennis’ Red Sox helmet. Quick, she needs help! (JULIE and KURT exit SR.)(LIGHTS FADE.)(END OF SCENE.)I-2-1.ACT ONE.Scene Two.TIME.A crisp fall afternoon before Thanksgiving.SETTING.The Charles River.AT RISE.JULIE bursts on USL and tugs KURT down to the Charles river. KURT leaps shivers from the cold. JULIE.I have reached nirvana!!!! The weather is beautiful.KURT.Julie, my hands tell me it’s November. (Blows on his hands.)JULIE.Kurt, close your eyes and feel the breeze. (Closes her eyes and leans forward and puts her arms out.) Wheeee!!! KURT.You’re going to fall. (Reaches out to catch her.)JULIE.No. No. No. Let me go. I want to feel the breeze. Do you feel it? (KURT confirms with a grunt.) Imagine you’re on the biggest mountain you can think of.KURT.Everest is cold and I don’t like to hike.JULIE.You don’t hike?KURT.There’s something wrong with that?I-2-2.JULIE.That’s it. When Summer hits, I’m taking you up Mount Chocorua. KURT.Chuka who?JULIE.Chocorua. It’s in New Hampshire. It’s named after an Indian Chief. Legend has it, he jumped off the mountain to his death to escape settlers. As he fell, he placed a curse on the village of Chocorua and the surrounding areas. The curse the devastated the farmers crops.KURT.That was nice of him. (KURT watches JULIE close her eyes.) KURT.Julie there’s a café over there. Let’s warm up andwith some cocoa before the exhibit. JULIE.You’re hopeless. (We hear a flap of wings.Sudden excitement.) There’s a pigeon!KURT.Pigeons eat and they crap. A lot. I can’t get that worked up over pigeons.JULIE.Pigeons are very smart. Pigeons were beneficial to the war effort. Pigeons have a great sense of direction.KURT.Great, the next time I need the quickest route back to the North Shore, I’ll ask a pigeon.JULIE.My best friend Natalie had a homing pigeon and he never got lost.KURT.I stole these from the Cafeteria. We can feed them.I-2-3.(Tosses crackers out of his pockets.) JULIE.(KURT tosses her a bag of Crackers. She joins in.Loud pigeon coos.)I think we’re a hit. Here piggee! Here piggee!(Leaps up on the SC bench and throws the bag out.)Weeee! There you go piggees. KURT.The puny one is funny looking. He has a square head. Hey! I’ll call him square head.JULIE.No! No! No! All the other pigeons will make fun of him. Look at him strut. He should have a strong name. His name is Brutus.KURT.Brutus betrayed Julius Caesar. JULIE.You’re right. He’d never live that down. (A broad smile.)Julius! (Regal flourish.) Rise and be recognized.KURT.Don’t you mean fly and be recognized? (Tosses more crackers.) Wow, next week is Thanksgiving.JULIE.Any special traditions?KURT.Uncle Daron and Aunt Celeste. I dread it. My Uncle Daron seems to think he’s a comedian.JULIE.That sounds sweet.I-2-4.KURT.There’s nothing sweet about it. “Hey sport, you know what I saw?” Of course, I get sucked right in. “Wood.” Then he makes this obnoxious chainsaw noise and warns me. “Don’t get your hand too close sport.” Then he slaps me on the back. I cough up my Turkey and stuffing. (Mimics the laugh.)Good one eh?JULIE.What’s Aunt Celeste like?KURT.Aunt Celeste arrives with two bags of hand me downs for my mom. She thinks my mother dresses shabby. It got so bad my Dad had to build a shed.JULIE.Your poor Mother.KURT.It gets worse. She always brings Marjorie McDonald. (Mimics Celeste.) “Oh, I hope you don’t mind Kurt, I thought you needed a date. I brought Marjorie. Now you two run along and get acquainted.”JULIE.Is she the type of girl you would date?KURT.Not really. I think it’s her voice. It’s so loud, you can hear “pass the yams,” clear across Gloucester.JULIE.My Dad bastes this turkey with a honey mustard glaze. It’s to die for. Una makes aebleskiver. KURT.What’s aebleskiver?JULIE.A Danish pancake with donut holes. I’m craving one right now.I-2-5.KURT.Una sounds like a great woman.JULIE.She like a real Mom. I can talk with her about anything.(BLAINE MORGAN, a college Junior with an athletic build enters SR, carrying a flimsy guitar. BLANE is a goofball, and vacant upstairs.He takes a seat DSR at the Charles and strums chords. JULIE’S attention. KURT rolls his eyes.)I dubbed him the sonnet reciting stalker. KURT.You should call security.JULIE.Nah. He’s harmless. Last night he tried to serenade me and fell into a briar patch. He squealed through Norwegian Wood like a champ. KURT.If you would like, we could leave?JULIE.No, it’s fine. (JULIE acknowledges BLAINE with a nod.) BLAINE.Hi Julie. I didn’t see you there.JULIE.I’m at the center bench. You can’t miss anyone at the center bench. BLAINE.Hey, aren’t you Burt?KURT.Kurt actually. Burt’s an altogether different guy.BLAINE.Didn’t Zipper give you that complimentary six pack to join Lambda Chi Alpha? I-2-6.KURT.Nothing gets by you.BLAINE.Dude, that was a good selling point, you should have joined.KURT.I guess it’s my loss. Blaine, I’m curious how many nuts and bolts did you buy off everyone?BLAINE.(Thinks a moment.)I don’t know. I was pretty drunk. I ended up with some girl named Felix and I don’t remember much after that.KURT.I’m sure you don’t.BLAINE.How’s your thing going?JULIE.(Steps off the bench.)Kurt and I don’t have a thing.BLAINE.I must have heard it wrong. Everyone seems to think you two are an item.JULIE.(Takes a seat next to BLAINE.) We’re just friends.BLAINE.Friends sounds like too much work. (Looks out over the Charles.) What an epic spot. I come out here for inspiration. (Strums the guitar.)JULIE.You don’t need inspiration; you need to be tuned.BLAINE.I wasn’t aware that I was that far out of tune. (JULIE tunes the guitar.) I-2-7.BLAINE. (Continued.)I’ve been hoping to talk with you Julie. JULIE.So, talk.BLAINE.I want to apologize to you for bailing on you at the party. You were right, I do need direction. (JULIE plays fluently.)JULIE.I’m glad to hear that you’ve been taking stock in yourself.BLAINE.You play beautifully.JULIE.I don’t play, I hack. (Examines the guitar.) D.S? BLAINE.Dennis Schneider. I wish I had my own, but Dad would kill me. He thinks I might become a slacker or die my hair purple.KURT.How about a big nose ring to go along with the purple hair? (BLAINE snorts through a laugh.)BLAINE.Good one Burt. (Addresses JULIE.) Dennis and I have been talking about forming a band. We would call ourselves the Gumptions. That would upset old Wallace B. Morgan.JULIE.Your Dad is the internet tycoon?BLAINE.You know him?JULIE.I don’t know him, but I did a paper on him for my business class.I-2-8.BLAINE.You don’t want to know him. He’s a big blowhard.JULIE.My Mom, likes to air our dirty laundry out on the radio. BLAINE.Oh, man, that sucks! I’d be calling up harassing her ass. JULIE.This guitar is pretty beat up. Why don’t I lend you mine?BLAINE.That would be cool Julie. Thanks. (Leans in and steals a kiss. JULIE, caught off guard. A quick glance at KURT and then away embarrassed.)KURT.That’s all right, don’t mind me.BLAINE.I shouldn’t have been so presumptuous.JULIE.That’s all right. I shouldn’t have been so hard on you.KURT.Julie, if we’re going to catch that exhibit at the museum,I think we should be going.BLAINE.Oh, man, I am so sorry. You and Burt had plans and I barged in on that.JULIE.No, no. Kurt and I have plenty of time to see the exhibit. It’s showing through the end of December. You don’t mind do you Kurt?KURT.No, not at all. You two kids have fun. I can check out the exhibit on my own. (KURT hangs his heads USL. He stops and watches JULIE give BLAINE a I-2-9.lesson.) (LIGHTS FADE.) (END OF SCENE.)I-3-1.ACT ONE.Scene Three.TIME.Early Spring a year later.SETTING.The Charles River.AT RISE.PHYLISS sleeps on the DSL bench with a textbook sprawled open and an IPOD around her ears. CHET enters from USR with a knapsack around his shoulder. He sits at the bench SR and empties the contentsof which include, a thermos, sandwich, potato chips and a pickle. He opens his laptop and studies. CHET becomes distracted by a pigeon coo.CHET.The blue neck gives you away Julius. Hungry eh? Let’s see what we have here. How about a bag of chips? Fortified with nine essential chemical ingredients to toxically destroy your arteries. (Tosses chips.) It appears your friend wants some too. (Tosses more chips in PHYLISS direction. CHET lifts her arm. No response. He waves his hand in front of her face. PHYLISS shivers. CHET lays his coat over her. He sits SL and commences work. He reaches for his thermos and prepares to take a swallow and hears PHYLISS groan. A sneaky smile. CHET searches his knapsack. and discovers an empty water bottle. He cuts the bottle into a small bowl, and fills the bowl with liquid. Quietly, he dips PHYLISS’ hand in the water. CHET’S fun is disrupted by cooing pigeons fromabove. An object falls on PHYLISS. CHET examines her head and makes ahideous face.) 1-3-2.CHET. (Continued.)You guys are cruel. What did she ever do toyou. Even I wouldn’t stoop that low.(Takes a seat SC. PHYLISS wriggles. She feels something wet and jolts from her sleep. Her hand is wet. She wipes it on her skirt.) PHYLISS.What in the tarnation…(Her face explodes with embarrassment.Panic stricken, she scurries behind the hedge SR. She see CHET in the park. A horrific jaw drop. PHYLISS adjusts her skirt from behind the hedge. Quickly, SR away from CHET’S eyes, she tosses her underwear into her purse. CHET looks over. PHYLISSreacts as if nothing is wrong.) Chester are you following me again?CHET.No, this is a perfect place to study for my Abnormal Psyche final.PHYLISS.Fitting, since you are abnormal. (CHET distracted by her head.) CHET.I find Abnormal Psyche as amusing as pigeon shit. PHYLISS.You’re not playing with a full deck. (Makes a phone call.)Julip? Can you do me a favor. I need a pair of…(Cups her mouth.)underwear from my dresser. Julie, I do not go commando. How could you think such a thing? Well, I had an accident. I was sleeping and apparently…I think…it’s embarrassing. Yes, I soiled… (CHET raises an eyebrow. PHYLISS, turns red, then whispers.) Yes! Where are you? A hotel? Are you and Blaine…I-3-3.CHET.The guy is a case study!PHYLISS.(Shushes CHET.) Oh, that’s right, it’s your five month anniversary. See, I told you Blaine would be worth the time. I did? I don’t recall that. All right, but I want lots of juicy details girl.(Closes her phone. CHET leans forwardeagerly.)CHET.Soiled what?PHYLISS.Never you mind Chester. It’s doesn’t concern you.CHET.I give Blaine and Julie a month before Kurt invites her over for a s’mores party. PHYLISSThat’s nonsense Chester.CHETI’ve seen it before. Julie breaks up with Blaine, she comes over and has a s’mores party with Kurt and then I’m left to clean up the mess.PHYLISSChester, you are going to be wrong this time.CHETI’m not wrong. This is Morgan, the guy was breastfed too long.PHYLISSGood Chester, sit him down on the couch and analyze him. CHETWhy don’t you stop fighting me and give into your desires?PHYLISSChester you and I are hardly compatible. I-3-4.CHET.(Examines PHYLISS.) Yeah, you’re right. We’d never work. Nice skirt. PHYLISS.Did I ask you to comment on my attire?CHET.Wow, I can’t even compliment you. PHYLISS.No, you can’t.(PHYLISS angrily packs up her belongings.) CHET.The Boston Police get kind of disgruntled if you leave litter lying around.(Points to the bowl. PHYLISS examines it.) PHYLISS.You drink Evian, don’t you? (CHET shrugs.)PHYLISSOh, you’re a horrid little pathetic swamp rat!CHETI may be a swamp rat, but at least I don’t have pigeon shit on my head.PHYLISSI do not! (Reaches up for her head. Stickydung. Angrier than before.)You are worse than a swamp rat. You’re inhumane!CHET.Just to be clear, I may have done the water, but not the pigeon shit. Apparently, the pigeons don’t like you. PHYLLIS.Stay away from me!(PHYLISS angry exit SL. CHET pleased with himself. He returnsI-3-5.to his studies…then there’s aninterruption. (CHET feels his head and scowls.) CHETHey! You shit on me you bastards! (BLACKOUT.)(END OF SCENE.)I-4-1.ACT ONE.Scene Four.TIME.A year later. Evening.SETTING.The Charles River.AT RISE. JULIE sits on the SC bench with a bottle of Bailey’s. She plays a few chords from her smashed guitar. The instrument twangs out of tune. Disgusted, she throws it in the Charles River, screams. She hugs her bottle of Bailey’s. JULIE.Stupid! Never, never again. Never again Julie Alexander. Never again! (Sits SC and breaks down into soft sobs. A soft tender Pigeon coo. JULIE looks over her shoulder.) Thank, you Jasmine.(She feeds Jasmine.)There you go Jasmine. Shoo! Shoo! Shoo. Kierkegaard! Share! Thank you. (A warm smile.)Why hello Julius. I see you’re out to enjoy some nice freshair.(Rises and drops strudel for Julius.) You were right Julius. Blaine is all wrong for me. That’s okay though, I will get by. Kurt? You’re right. Let’s see what he is up to. (She takes a seat SC and picks up her phone.) Kurtski! Oh Kurtski. It’s Jules. I hope you don’t have your nose in that Russian phrase book. You deserve better than phrase book girl. Now Kurtski, I have some Bailey’s here. I’m inviting you down to the Charles. Bring some s’mores and bring some graham crackers for the pigeons. I’ll wait for your call. (JULIE releases a heavy sigh and wipes her eyes. PHYLISS urgent,entrance from SL.) I-4-2.PHYLISS.Aw! Julip, Mint Julip. Where in tarnation have you been girl?JULIE.I slipped away after I made that spectacle. Tell me does Blaine still has spaghetti on his head and wine down his pants?PHYLISS.I think he did. What happened to your smashed guitar? (JULIE takes a swallow of Bailey’s.)JULIE.Blaine Morgan contaminated my guitar, so I threw it in the Charles. PHYLISS.How much have you had?JULIE.(Squints her eyes and examines the bottle.)Not much. (PHYLISS looks for herself.)PHYLISS.A whole bottle of Bailey’s? JULIE.That sounds about right. (Rises to her feet.) Phylly, these are the children that Kurt and I adopted. (She points out a pigeon.) That’s Jasmine. Those are her kids, Ren and Stimpy. Kierkegaard. That’s Captain Applejack and his wife, Moira Applejack. Mr. Percival and that’s Julius. (PHYLISS looks over her shoulder and panics.)PHYLISS.Julie, get that pigeon off my shoulder.JULIE.I think Julius likes you.I-4-3.PHYLISS.I don’t like him.(PHYLISS waves off the pigeon.)Julie if you feed these smelly animals… JULIE.They are not smelly. (JULIE, glares at PHYLISS andthen softens.)Hey, how’d did your date go with Carlton?PHYLISS.A disaster. Chet ruined it. You had me scared half to death. I’m sorry I suggested Blaine Morgan. He’s a snake in the grass. JULIE.A That is so sweet. You really wuv me.(JULIE hugs PHYLISS. PHYLISS leads her to the bench and sits her down. CHET enters SL.)CHET.There you are.(PHYLISS, her back to CHET.)PHYLISS. Don’t come near me. You have done enough tonight. CHET.Yeah and I really feel bad about Charlt… PHYLISS.His name is Carlton Keppler. Not Charlton Chesselwhip, notCarlton Keppidge. Carlton Keppler! CHET.I know. I’m sorry, I got carried away. After you left Charlton Chesselwhip and I had a chat. (PHYLISS throws up the back of her hand.)Carlton! Carlton and I had a chat.PHYLISS.Chester, you didn’t?I-4-5.CHET.Phyliss, I told him you’re an okay girl. JULIE.Chet that’s so sweet. Awww! You two. (She throws CHET AND PHYLISS together in an awkward hug.) Okay everybody! Group Hug!(Joins in for a group hug. JULIEsways and falls on her ass.)CHET.You wouldn’t be drunk would you Julie? (Helps JULIE to her feet.)JULIE.No, of course not.PHYLISS.She is drunk. CHET.I’m gonna go back to my dorm. Make sure Julie getshome safely. (PHYLISS, watches CHET exit SL.PHYLISS JULIE cradles.) PHYLISS.Julip. Auntie Phyl is there for you. Anytime. (KURT enters from the SL, his faceburied in a book. He bites into an apple and takes a seat at the SR. JULIE pleasantly surprised.) JULIE.Kurtski!(JULIE pushes PHYLISS aside and leaps on KURT and gives him a bear hug. KURT topples over the bench. The book falls to the ground.) KURT.Hi, how’s tricks?I-4-6.JULIE.(She lets go.)I don’t play tricks. Tricks are played on me.KURT.(Gestures to PHYLISS “is she drunk.”PHYLISS nods.)Phyliss? I thought you had some hot date with some lawyer? PHYLISS.Thanks to your roommate, it’s on hold. Listen Julip I am off. If you need my ear, you have my cell. You’ll be all right. (Another hug and a rise to her feet. She takes KURT aside.) See her home.(KURT nods.)KURT.Blaine?PHYLISS.Yes.KURT.I really hate that guy.PHYLISS.I think this time it’s over for good. In my eyes, you’ve graduated from Mr. Scandinavia, to a Mr. Marvy. (PHYLISS EXITS SL. KURT takes a seat next to JULIE.)JULIE.Where’s the s’mores?KURT.I didn’t bring any.JULIE.Oh, you didn’t get my drunken call then.KURT.Drunken call? Now that must have been interesting.I-4-7.JULIE.Erase it when you get home. It’s really embarrassing. I called you Kurtski. Kurtski.KURT.Kurtski? (KURT bursts out laughing.) At least that’s better than when Blaine calls me Burt(JULIE, bolts to her feet and erupts.)JULIE.I hate him! I hate Blaine Morgan! (JULIE teeters at the edge of the Charles. KURT reaches to save her.JULIE reacts with clenched fists.) Try it and I’ll kick your ass! This is bullshit! I don’t need comfort and I don’t need to be rescued. (KURT bows his head and hides a chuckle.) It’s not funny Kurt. KURT.(Lifts his head, offers a smile.) No, it isn’t but Julie, I want to let you know, our children are listening.JULIE.What are you talking about?KURT.The pigeons.(KURT tosses a hunk of bread.)There you go Captain Applejack. You and Mrs. Applejack have a feast.JULIE.(Manages a soft laugh and a smile.) Sorry, mommy used bad language. (Takes a seat and pouts.)The charming bastard was with a married woman. He told this crazy story. He claimed I was a beekeeper and died of beestings. Who does that? KURT.Apparently, Blaine does in his own nonsensical way. How did you handle it?I-4-8.JULIE.He was serenading her with my guitar. I smashed it on the table. KURT.Julie, you love that guitar.JULIE.I know. I gave it a burial in the Charles.KURT.Look, I’m buying you a new one. Name a time and a place and we’ll pick one out.JULIE.No Kurt, if I was foolish enough to keep going back to a loser, I should… Christ listen to me. I’m blaming myself for this crap. (A warm smile crosses his face.) I’ll take that hug now. (KURT opens his arms and JULIE fallsinto them and then looks up at the sky.) Hey what is that? KURT.The Eta Aquarid Meteor shower. It’s common in May. If you look over there, you can see Aquarius. Charlotte showed me that shower many nights.JULIE.Charlotte? Kurt, I think it’s time for you to move on.KURT.Date? I wouldn’t know where to start. JULIE.How about my best friend Natalie?KURT.No way. She’s your best friend and if it went bad, I wouldn’t hear the end of it.JULIE.At least meet her.I-1-9.KURT.She’s in Rhode Island and I have an internship here?JULIE.No. She hooked up a sweet internship here. There’s no excuse.KURT.I’m not going out with a charity case.JULIE.Natalie is hardly a charity case. She’s a student at the Rhode Island Institute of Design. She’s a creative genius.KURT.Genius is good, but I don’t want to be bored.JULIE.Don’t worry, she’s not going to expound upon the theory of relativity. (Shows KURT a picture.) What do you think?KURT.Pretty blue eyes. She looks tall.JULIE.She was our star Basketball player.KURT.Can she dunk?JULIE.Broke a backboard once.KURT.She sounds like an Amazon.JULIE.Kurt, she is not a freak! She was Ms. Teen Rhode Island. Guys fell all over themselves when she walked by.KURT. (KURT opens his Russian phrase book.)I-4-10.KURT. (Continued.)Julie, it’s humiliating to be dumped over the phone in Russian. JULIE.Kurt, you need to move on. (JULIE snatches the book.) KURT. Give that back! (Catches JULIE and catches her at the edge of the Charles. JULIE threatens to drop the book. For the first time, there’s an attraction.KURT leans in as JULIE drops the book in the Charles. KURT lets her go.) Nice. Real nice. I needed… (The absurdity makes him laugh.)All right. You win. Tell me about Natalie over Kung Pao Chicken. JULIE.I thought you’d see it my way, Kurtski.(KURT and JULIE exit SL.)(LIGHTS SLOWLY FADE.)(END OF SCENE.)I-5-1.ACT ONE.Scene Five.TIME.Summer, a few months later.SETTING. The Charles River.AT RISE.CHET enters seated SC, smoking a pipe and looks out at The Charles and enjoys the serenity. PHYLISS enters from SR on her cell phone. PHYLISS.Carlton? Phyliss. (CHET listens.) Did I tell you I am clerking at Meyers and sons. Law Sugarshits. Imagine my surprise, when I discovered that we have a mutual acquaintance. It’s your wife sugarshits. (CHET winces.) I never wish to lay eyes upon you again. (CHET prepares to leave. PHYLISS punches off her cell phone.) Where are you going Chester? CHET.I figured you didn’t want to be around me, so I thought I’d leave you the peace of the Charles. PHYLISS. Funny, it’s been six months. I’d forgotten about you.CHET.I’m easy to forget. We’ll I’ll leave you to it then. (Puffs his pipe. PHYLISS waves ataway the smoke.)PHYLISS.A pipe Chester? A filthy pipe is not becoming of you at all. My Daddy smoked a pipe. The stench was outrageous. CHET.I find it soothing.I-5-2.PHYLISS.I could use a drink to soothe me. Why don’t you tell me I told you so?CHET.Why would I? Besides I found a girlfriend. Felicity.e on Chester you can do better than her. What is your attraction to this Dance Major?(CHET shrugs.) CHET.She’s not a Dance Major anymore. She went skiing at Mount Attitash and tore her metatarsal. She’ll never dance again.PHYLISS.Oh, too bad for her. What has she changed her Major to?CHET.Marine Biology. PHYLISS.That’s a complete 180.(Takes a seat and takes her shoes off and moves down to The Charlesand soaks them.) CHET.She’s very adventurous. She likes Scuba Diving.(Joins PHYLISS.) PHYLISS.You would never catch me doing that. I’d prefer tokeep away from sharks.(PHYLISS, irritated glance ather shoes.) PHYLISS.Damn! Pigeon shit. (Wipes it off with a paper towel.)I swear they are the most unintelligent creatures.CHET.You are incorrect. Pigeons sense danger. Watch them before a storm. You’d be amazed at how accurate they are.I-5-3.PHYLISS.Yippee! Let’s hear it for the pigeon. (Mock applause.)I have a question for you. What is your opinion on Julie and Kurt?CHET.What do you mean?PHYLISS.I think Kurt would be far better off with Julie than that Natalie girl. CHET.It’s not gonna happen.PHYLISS.Julie agrees with me, Natalie is not right for him.CHET.Best friends of the opposite sex can’t date. Sex gets in the way. PHYLISS.Sex has nothing to do with it. It’s compatibility and Kurt and Julie are certainly compatible. patibility doesn’t have any say in the matter. Sex controls everything.PHYLISS.You really believe that?CHET.Sex and attraction go hand in hand. Once those two components merge, the opposite gender becomes a love interest. PHYLISS.Actually Chester, it is my belief that the friendship would strengthen the love.CHET.Until the relationship became stale. You can’t possibly think about a person the same way after sex.I-5-4.PHYLISSI don’t care. She’s a priss flaunting those Alberto Fermani shoes. She’s has Kurt on a dog leash. I told Julie; she should fight for him.CHET.Thanks, Phyl there goes my book.PHYLISS.Ya’ll been writing a book on Julie and Kurt’s relationship?CHET.Not specifically. The book is about how sex complicates opposite gender friendships. PHYLISS.That’s intrusive. Write about something else. (Her phone rings. She picks it up.) Text message from Julie. I almost forgot; I was supposed to meet her.CHET.Phyliss, what are you doing?PHYLISS.I told her to show up at the movies with Kurt and Natalie.She’s going to fight for him.(Exits SR.)CHET.Oh, brother.(LIGHTS TO BLACK.)(END OF SCENE.)I-6-1.ACT ONE.Scene Six.TIME.A year later, Summer.SETTING.The Charles River.AT RISE.JULIE mopes and feeds the pigeons.JULIEHere Julius! No. No Julius dear, don’t fly off. It’s homemade bread. You like bread. That’s it friend. That’s it. No! Gerhard, get away from Julius. Shoo! Shoo! Hey! Hey! Stop it. Am I going to have to come over there and separate you two? That’s better. Oh? What do we have here?Mr. Percival, where have you been? I haven’t seen you in months. What’s that Julius? Where’s Kurt? I don’t know Julius. I know you miss him. I miss him too. (CHET ENTERS SL, smoking his pipe.)CHET.Ah, Julie with her kit of pigeons. JULIE.It’s nice to see you Chet.CHET.It’s nice to be seen. (CHET takes a seat.) Say who is that big arrogant pigeon strutting around? JULIE.That’s Gerhard. He thinks he rules the roost. Have you talked to Kurt?CHET.I can’t avoid it. He is my roommate. JULIE.Has he asked about me?CHET.Occasionally. I-6-2.JULIE.What does he say?CHET.Should I call Julie? JULIE.And yet he hasn’t. You heard what happened right?CHET.You should never have listened to Phyliss. That always leads to making a complete ass out of yourself.JULIE.Why did I barge in on that date? I ruined a reputation and two friendships. CHET.(CHET bursts into laughter. JULIE, thumps his shoulder.)Sorry, Julie, I can’t get your contacts out of my head. JULIE.They fell in my mouth. I almost choked.CHET.Was this Phyliss idea? (JULIE nods.) You didn’t need colored contacts to impress Kurt. Your eyes are perfect the way they are. JULIE.The worst was when I coughed one up in Kurt’s face. CHET.By the way that story about Natalie’s Dad having a gun collection…not such a good idea. Kurt had nightmares for weeks.JULIE.I went a little overboard with that. Should I call him? CHET.If you do, you better do it quick. He’s getting married to I-6-3.CHET. (Continued.)her after graduation. JULIE.What?CHET.I’m his best man. Natalie got some swank Fashion job in California. (Pause and then serious.)Listen Julie, I don’t want to be a downer, but you had your friendship. Cherish the memories. Besides you’ve got that Lou…what’s his name?JULIE.Piccolo.CHET.What’s he like anyway?JULIE.I don’t know. He falls asleep a lot. CHET.(Checks his watch.) Oh wow, look at the time. I better get moving if Felicity are going to check out the white shark show at the Bostonaquarium. See you around Julie.JULIE.See you Chet. (JULIE feeds the pigeons.) That’s right Julius, Kurt’s not coming back. (LIGHTS FADE.)(END OF SCENE.) (END OF ACT. ONE.)II-1-1.ACT TWO.Scene One.TIME.Four years later, late summer.SETTING.The Charles River.AT RISE.JULIE on her cell phone agitated. A half-eaten sandwich sits on the bench SC with a bottle ofPerrier. JULIE.Mel, tell Stepansky’s lawyer I’m not giving up my source.(Takes a Sip of water.) Tell him, this guy is very high up. It’s going to have to be good enough. (Bites into the sandwich. She makes a face, and throws it to the pigeons.) Gerhard! Why must you attack Julius. Stop! No. Sorry. I’m at the Charles. Pigeons. I have not lost my mind. Pigeons, have identities. Mel, I don’t care if he wants this guy on the stand. Stepansky has very influential friends in the Russian mob. This source’s life would be in danger. Let him subpoena me. Oh, for God’s sake Mel, you’re my Editor, go to bat for me. Tell Stepansky’s lawyer I will fight this all the way to the Supreme Court! I expect you to back me up! (Punches the phone off. KURT enters from SL. KURT watches JULIE take a seat at bench SC. She takes offher shoes, still angry she throws the shoe in the CharlesOh, nice Julie. Real intelligent.(JULIE, hobbles to the Charles andSlips holding on to a railing.)KURT.Here let me help you. (KURT pulls JULIE to safety and retrieves the wet shoe. JULIE, speechless at KURT’S presence.)I forget what Natalie used to call these shoes. II-1-2.(KURT hands JULIE the shoe. KURT rises to his feet and takes a seat at the SL bench. JULIE stares at the shoe. JULIE.Alberto Fermani.(She takes off the other shoe and drops them in the Charles.)KURT.You might need those. JULIE.I don’t need Natalie’s hand me downs. They pinch my feet. I’m happier in nylons thank you. (JULIE studies KURT.)You look familiar to me. College maybe? I think you used to feed pigeons right here. You’re named after a country. Denmark, I believe. Kurt Denmark.KURT.That’s me.JULIE.I heard you got married four years ago. I never saw you after that.KURT.That didn’t work out. Whatever happened to that Lou guy?JULIE.Have you ever been on the Mass Pike in rush hour with a narcoleptic driver? KURT.Wow! JULIE.Not a pretty sight.KURT.You’re not married then?II-1-3.JULIE.(Turns serious.) I am married. (KURT unsettled by the news.) To a job I love!! I can’t tell you how much I love being an investigative reporter. I have my eyes on a big future. Just between you and me, I think I can do better than the Globe. I see myself in Washington working on some political beat. (KURT lets out a relieved chuckle.)KURT.You have been planning your life out.JULIE.What about you? What are your plans?KURT.I have a big gig with an ad firm on Boylston.JULIE.That’s wonderful. (JULIE not sure what to say now.) Have you seen Chet?KURT.When I moved back, he took me in. He’s in a Master’s program at BU, working on a thesis about opposite gender friendships.JULIE.Chet and Phyllis are friends now. Can you believe that?No jokes about her dating life. KURT.Who is Phyliss dating these days anyway?JULIE.Why? Are you interested?KURT.(Laughs.) Phyliss would eat me alive.JULIE.She’s dating an English Podiatrist with impeccably clean feet. Pimm something.(Awkward pause.) II-1-4.JULIE. (Continued.)Hey, didn’t we used to be friends?KURT.I have a vague recollection of that.JULIE.Any chance we could pick up where we left off?KURT.I think that’s a great idea.JULIE.Okay then.KURT.Fantastic. How about Friday night we go see “Rock of Ages?” (KURT makes his exit USL, whena thought occurs to him.) Here’s a thought. Dinner before the show.JULIE.That’s a pretty good thought.KURT.Grand.JULIE.Super, I’ll see you then.KURT.(Tosses JULIE the newspaper.) Nice article ace reporter. I hear you’ve cleaned up Boston’s corrupt water commission. (KURT exits with a wink and a smile. JULIE looks at the article.) JULIE.Yeah, I did pretty well with that. (FAST FADE TO BLACK.)(END OF SCENE.)II-2-1ACT TWO.Scene Two.TIME.Three Evenings later.SETTING.The Charles River.AT RISE.JULIE and KURT walk on from USL. JULIE.Wow, what a show. We should see Rock of Ages again.KURT.Name a night and we’ll go. (They reach the SC bench. JULIE sits. She looks out over The Charles.)JULIE.It is beautiful tonight. Hey there’s some guy in a sailboat out there.KURT.Nice night for fishing. (A pigeon coo.) Oh hi Mr. Percival, how are you this fine night? (Rummages through his pockets and tosses some crackers.)KURT.Well, I had a good time tonight. I had better be heading home.JULIE.Kurt, we just got here. This is our spot. Besides, Hugo and Helga haven’t seen you in a few years. (Pigeon coos.)Hello Hugo. Hi Helga.KURT.Hi guys. Remember me? When we’re not here, do you think the pigeons really remember who we are? Or are we a vessel for food? JULIE.Yes, I do.II-2-2.JULIE. (Continued.)(JULIE plays with her hair and then throws her arm on the back of the bench. Her alluring posehas caught KURT’S attention. It causes his palms to sweat. He wipes them.)Have a seat. (KURT takes a seat at the bench SL.) Kurt, I meant over here. Next to me. KURT.Oh right. (KURT wipes his palms again and takes a seat at the other side of the SC bench.)JULIE.Kurt, I’m not going to bite you. KURT.Of course. It’s not like you’re some sort of character out of an Anne Rice novel. (Hearty laugh. KURT wipes more sweat off his palms. He movescloser. JULIE AND KURT play a tennis match, looking at each other and then the ground.) The Charles River grounds staff keep this place pristine. You could eat off of this don’t you think? JULIE.I suppose. I hadn’t given that much thought before.(JULIE takes KURT’S hand.) Your palms are sweaty. (JULIE wipes them with a tissue.)KURT.You’re the first woman to wipe sweat off my palms. (Nervous pause, KURT eyes to the groundand then…)KURT/JULIE.There is this great restaurant… (Nervous pause.) II-2-3.KURT/JULIE. (Continued.)I was thinking there is this rest… KURT/JULIE.(A look to the ground and back to each other.) There’s a really great movie… (Bursts of laughter.) JULIE.Deep subject off the mind.KURT.You have the floor. Pristine ground and all.JULIE.After you. (Waits for KURT to tell her something profound.)KURT.(Struggles to say anything and then…) I was wondering…should we…or how about this…Is there is a chance that you and I…I…I…(Bursts.)Natalie doesn’t shave her legs! (JULIE, not what she expected.)JULIE.Another deep subject off the mind.KURT.I couldn’t marry her because her legs are as thick as a forest.JULIE.That couldn’t have been pleasant. KURT.Like barbed wire scraping my skin. I ended it the night before our wedding. In case you were wondering.JULIE.I’m sorry Kurt. (JULIE a turn away from KURT, II-2-4.followed by a triumphant smile.) I could always count on you Nat for keeping those legs hairy. (KURT rises. He paces like a caged lion.)Kurt, you don’t have to worry about me. I have very sanitary legs. (Lifts her skirt and shows her legs.)Seeing legs has put KURT in a catatonic state.)KURT.As long as you don’t bleach them. JULIE.Did Natalie bleach her legs?KURT.(Turns away from JULIE and gnashes his teeth.) I don’t know. There was always some substance on them.JULIE.(Comes up behind KURT and puts her hands on his shoulders. A seductive whisper in his ear.)I always have a great time with you. (Reaches for KURT’S hand and pullshim towards her. KURT jerks his hand away.) Why are you so nervous tonight?KURT.Me…no…I…I…I’m not. I’m not nervous! (JULIE takes KURT’S hand and dances with him.) What are we doing? JULIE.Dancing with you at a concert. (JULIE stares straight into Kurt’s eyes. She sings.) ““Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry. You don’t know how lovely you are.” (KURT, soothed by her and sings The next lyric.)II-2-5.KURT.“I had to find you, tell you I need you. Tell you I set you apart. Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questionsOh, let’s get back to the start.”(They stop. KURT pulls away.)JULIE.The night of Coldplay I remember you were pretty messed up. KURT.I remember. I drank nine cups of coffee. I was a veritable pin ball machine.JULIE.You had me worried. I shouldn’t have sent Dennis to look for you. KURT.Dennis meant well. He thought he was giving me a tranquilizer. That tab of acid sent me on a bad trip. I saw blubbering fish and god knows what else. Thanks for being at the hospital with me. You saw me through it. Damn I remember the beginning of that night so clear. You looked…(KURT’S attention on JULIE.) Like you do now. (Drawn in for a kiss. Just as theirlips get close, KURT backs away.) Look at us. It was dinner and a show. A date is not us.JULIE(Pulls KURT tight and won’t let go.) Your palms are sweaty again. KURTI sweat like this…(JULIE shushes him with her fingeron his lip.)JULIEEvery time Blaine shattered my heart, you were there. If I wanted to talk, you listened. If I wanted to cry you let me. If I needed a s’mores party, you invited our friends. You allowed me space and time to get through it all. I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you for that. (A soft kiss on KURT’S cheek and leans in for much more.) II-2-6.You’re my shoulder to cry on guy.KURT.(The words bite into his soul.) No! You said what every guy, hates to hear. I don’t like being the shoulder to cry on guy. The shoulder to cry on guy always gets sloppy seconds.(Bolts SR.) JULIE.(Follows KURT.) Kurt, being a terrific listener is nothing to be ashamed about. (Reaches for KURT’S cheek. He pulls away.)KURTLook, I have to go before I say or do something I might regret. (KURT, a quick exit the SR. JULIE confused. She takes a seat and puts her cell phone to her ear. PHYLISS enters USL in a panic.) PHYLISS.I thought I saw you come down here Julip. JULIE.I was about to call you. Phyliss, you’re frantic. what is it? (CHET ambles down SL with his pipein his mouth. He sees PHYLIIS and JULIE together. He prepares to come down.)PHYLISS.It’s Pimm.(CHET holds and listens.) JULIE.Pimm Maloney, The English Podiatrist. PHYLISS.I keep telling you he’s Irish. It doesn’t matter. I did it again!II-2-7.JULIE.You screamed Chet’s name out in the middle of the act?PHYLISS.Yes! This horrible. What does this mean?CHET.(CHET smiles.) I know what it means.JULIE.Phyliss, I think you better start thinking about that question.PHYLISS.I dare not. I’m afraid of what I might discover. (PHYLISS looks around.) Where’s Kurt? I thought you two were out on a date.JULIE.It ended five minutes ago to disastrous consequences. (KURT marches OSR.)KURT.No, it didn’t. (KURT, bold, snatches JULIE’S hand and pulls her in firmly and kisses her. JULIE is left speechless.) JULIE.What the hell took you so long, Kurt Denmark?PHYLISS.Oh, my Julie. He is a Mr. Marvy.(LIGHTS FADE.)(END OF SCENE.)II-3-1.ACT TWO.Scene Three.TIME.A year late an early September night.SETTING.The Charles River.AT RISE.KURT angrily runs DSL with a canteen of water in his hand and a small box. He takes a long swallow of water from the canteen.He clenches the small box.KURT.I guess I won’t be needing this anymore. She’s not the one.(KURT with all his might tosses the box into The Charles. A loud Pigeon coos frantically.)Gerhard! What is it buddy?(He follows the bird down to thewater. We hear loud flaps and water sloshing. KURT shakes hishead.)Nutty Pigeon. (KURT takes a seat at the bench SL.A soft pigeon coo. He looks over his shoulder.)Oh, hi Mr. Percival. I didn’t see you there. HeyWhat’s up with Gerhard? He’s agitated. (Mr. Percival, softly coos.)Women problems. Yes, Julie.(JULIE enters SR with a smallbox of Graham crackers and a giftwrapped box. Subdued. she takes a seat at the SR bench. She tosses the crackers out. Excited pigeon noises.)JULIE.Hello ladies. How are we tonight? (One soft pigeon coo.)Mrs. Applejack, I am upset because of…II-3-2.(Another soft coo.)JULIE. (Continued.)Yes Kurt.KURT.A camping trip at the Big Rock Cave in Wonalancet New Hampshire.JULIE.It’s Kurt’s birthday and I wanted to surprise him. KURT.I had this big surprise all planned. I was going to ask the big question. Yes Hugo, that question. Julie killedmy buzz.JULIE.I bought him this Celestron power seeking telescope. Kurt killed my buzz. (JULIE rips opens a telescope puts it together.) KURT.Hugo, she accused me of getting us lost?(Rises and ambles down towardsThe Charles. He takes his hiking boots off and dips hisfeet in water.)JULIE.We ended up in Holderness, Mrs. Applejack. Is HoldernessWonalancet? I don’t think so.KURT.She tells me we’re going up little bitty Mt. Katherine.Nothing too challenging. JULIE.(Looks through the telescope. A pigeon coo distracts her.)Sissy, how can you confuse the Big Rock cave with Mount Katherine? It has a cave!KURT.Hugo, these bugs were nasty bloodsuckers. II-3-3.JULIE.Julius, he couldn’t put up with little mosquitoes. KURT.Sasquatch, she kept spraying us with Woodman’s fly dope.Then she kept hugging me. JULIE.Geraldine, he forgot the stakes for the tent. KURT.I never forgot the tent stakes. I swear to god Mr. Percival, Julie never gave me the stakes.JULIE.(Bursts out laughing.)Kurt comes back up with the logs, he’s drenched. He’s fallen in the river. I shouldn’t have laughed but it was funny. The expression on his face was priceless and cute.(Returns to the stars.)Wow Helga Virgo is awesome tonight. KURT.She kicked me out of the tent. I’m out in the wilderness to fend for myself. I could have been mauled by a bear, Mr. Percival! JULIE.I had to come out and check the cave, because he heard a bear. All I found was a big bad chipmunk.(JULIE laughs out loud. A pigeonCoo. She looks over her shoulder.)I don’t know Julius. Julius where are all the guys? You’vebeen left to protect the women folk. I understand.(We hear the flap of wings.)See you Julius.(JULIE returns to the telescope. A flap of wings in KURT’S earsfollowed by a pigeon coo.)KURT.Hey there Julius. Where’ve you been all night.(A coo and a flap of the wings. KURTwatches Julius fly onto JULIE’S shoulder. KURT holds his gazeII-3-4.KURT. (Continued.)on the telescope.)When did the Charles get a telescope?(JULIE pulls away from the telescope.A bashful gaze at KURT.)JULIE.They haven’t. This is your birthday gift.KURT.(Stunned.)What?JULIE.It’s true. That’s why I was looking forward to this tripso badly.KURT.Oh my god. I forgot about my birthday.JULIE.I didn’t. Every year I get you something.(KURT checks out the telescope.)KURT.This time you outdid yourself. Julie Alexander,I think we just had our first fight.JULIE.Odd, we never fight.KURT.Sorry about the whining.JULIE.Not all of it was your fault. I lost my patience. (They embrace. KURT pulls away andpulls her SR to the bench. She rests her head on his shoulder. They watchthe activity along the river.)Is there a boat race out there?KURT.I heard something about a regatta. (KURT leans in and kisses JULIE.)II-3-5.KURT. (Continued.)Just to let you know, I was looking forward to this weekendtoo. I had something really awesome…(KURT, a look of absolute horror.) Kurt Denmark, what have you done! No!JULIE.Kurt, What is it?KURT.Julie this surprise was going to change our lives. Now it’s in the Charles River!JULIE.What was it?KURT.A ring Julie. A ring. Probably inside the mouth of some sea bass. I am such an idiot.JULIE.(JULIE, eyes wide with excitement.) Kurt, were you going to propose to me?KURT.I had this speech prepared. JULIE.I don’t need a ring. Ask me now. (KURT sits.) KURT.I can’t propose without a ring.JULIE.Kurt, the ring is not important. What is important are your feelings and how you express them. KURT.Julie Alexander, since college, I’ve put you through sweaty nervous palms, corny jokes, and my love of Astronomy. I have a clear grasp of our future. We’re sitting on a porch, old and gray rocking away. My jokes have improved, my knowledge of the stars continues to astound you and my palms have dried out. Julie Alexander, we’re best friends and I’d like us to share that future together. Will you marry me? II-3-6.JULIE.(Tears up.) Damn you Kurt Denmark, you’ve put me on the spot now. You’re to blame if I make a complete ass of myself. Kurt, your corny jokes always cheer me up when I need them the most. Your passion for Astronomy has opened my eyes to the mysteries of the sky. Your sweaty palms while sticky, were endearing while they lasted. We are best friends. It would be fitting to spend my days rocking on that porch when we’re old and gray. I’d be very honored to marry you. (A kiss. We hear a flock of pigeonsflapping and cooing. JULIE and KURT look up. The box drops from the sky.Gerhard, screeches. They both scramble towards the box. KURT opens it.) KURT.I’ll be damned, Gerhard went to retrieve the ring in the Charles. (He examines the damage.) Oh, the diamond has lost a little luster.JULIE.Kurt Denmark, who cares. Put that damn thing on my finger. (Places the ring on JULIE’S finger.) (SLOW FADE TO BLACK.)(END OF SCENE.)II-4-1.ACT TWO.Scene Four.TIME.A year later, early morning.SETTING.The Charles River. AT RISEPHYLISS drags her hungoverbody to the bench C. Her maid of honor dress stainedwith drink and food. She presses the fresh hot cup ofblack coffee to her lips. She holds her head from afive alarm fire headache. PHYLISS.Dear, oh dear Phyl what did you do? (She looks SR. CHET, dressed in hispajamas carries a thermos. Awkwardsilence. PHYLISS buries her head inshame. CHET sits. PHYLISS pops up andanguishes.) I am sorry I ran out Chester. Last night was frightful. After seven Seabreezes I can’t possible remember what happened. I made an unwise decision. CHET.I prefer to think of it as safe. PHYLISS.Chester I was drunk. What happened couldn’t have beenenjoyable for you.CHET.Let’s not talk about it. Here this will fix your head. PHYLISS.Chester, can you clarify how ya’ll took my virtue.(CHET laughs at the absurdity.)Chester, I don’t find that funny.e on Phyliss, we both know your virtue was gone longII-4-2CHET. (Continued.)before I came on the scene.PHYLISS.How did I end up in your bed?CHET.You don’t remember Julie and Kurt’s wedding?PHYLISS.I remember the Seabreezes. (Inspects the concoction and makes a face.)CHET.At the open bar there was this rather grabby gentleman. When I stuck an olive down his pants, he tried to turn me into a pretzel.PHYLISS.You saved me? Now I owe you? How I do resent being saved.CHET.You saved me and kicked Mr. Grabby. He’s singing five octaves higher now.PHYLISS.Oh, wait I remember. We went bar hopping.CHET.You went bar hopping. I was the designated driver.PHYLISS.What happened after that?CHET.You told me you broke it off with Pimm the Podiatrist. He has an obsession with feet. PHYLISS.Oh no. I spilled my guts to you.CHET.You spilled your guts on my tux, followed by a fun evening kissing the porcelain Goddess. II-4-3.PHYLISS.This sucks! (Curious.) Why didn’t you try anything?CHET.No offense Phyl, but it’s hard to get turned on by alcohol and vomit breath.PHYLISS.Oh, how chivalrous of you. CHET.Maybe I didn’t do anything, because I’ve walked in your rebellious shoes.PHYLISS.Your life and mine are nothing alike.CHET.Try living with Scientists from MIT. I was left a bit unattended. I was on track to having a career as a full-time arsonist. While in Juvy, therapy cured my anger. I became a juvenile therapy counselor. I felt I was helping. ErgoPsychology. PHYLISS.Why do you love listening and analyzing? It would bore me.CHET.By listening I sort out my own junk.(Offers PHYLISS the drink. She plugs her nose and belts back the concoction. She sputters and gags.) PHYLISS.Oh! That is horrid. What did ya’ll put in that?CHET.Alka Seltzer, tabasco sauce, pomegranate seed and a touch of seaweed.PHYLISS.Seaweed? Ugh! Did Kurt and Julie get off all right?II-4-4.CHET.I just received a text from Julie. “Hi Chet, having fun in the sun enjoying…hold on. Chet, I have to cut this short. Kurt’s been stung by a jellyfish and he’s blowing up like a balloon.PHYLISS.Julie and Kurt are never dull. I need to find a shower. CHET.My place has a shower and I promise no funny business.PHYLISS.For once that’s comforting. (PHYLIIS start to exits SL. A thoughtcomes to her mind.) Chester, do you like Polynesian Food?CHET.Polynesian is my favorite. (SLOW FADE.)(END OF SCENE.)II-5-1ACT TWO.Scene Five.TIME:Two years later. A Spring Day.SETTING:The Charles River.AT RISE.SR JULIE in a trance looking outover the Charles. She hears thepigeons cooing in her ear. It’s soft at first and then louder. They want their food. JULIE can’t take much more.) and throws crackers, bread and danish at them.JULIE.Stop cooing for food. There’s your damn food!(Throws the crackers, bread and danish at them.)For god sakes, the world doesn’t revolve around pigeons. (PHYLISS urgent entrance SR. She wraps her arms around JULIE.) PHYLISS.There, there Julip, Auntie Phyl has your back. Is it as bad as you say?JULIE.Kurt and I had a horrible fight. He insists we need to talk about the miscarriage. I just can’t.(The lights dim on SR and rise on SL.CHET smokes his pipe, and listens to KURT.)KURT.Is it too much to ask Chet? All I want to do is grieve with her. It’s been a year. The miscarriage affected me too. Don’t I have a say in this. CHET.Will she consider the thought of counseling?KURT.No. Julie tells me that she can get through her grief on her own.II-5-2.CHET.It’s too heavy a burden for one person. Julie’s in denial Kurt. She needs support. You have to get her there. (CHET offers a card.) This is my therapist. I’ve had this guy since I was in juvy. He does couples counseling. I’d stake my life on this guy. Call him, if not for Julie for yourself. You’ve been through the ringer.(The lights dim on CHET and KURT and rise on JULIE and PHYLISS. PHYLISS wipes away JULIE’S tears.) PHYLISS.If I can seek counseling, then you need to. Be accountable. No more hiding. JULIE.I don’t know Phyl. Would it really help us?PHYLISS.I think it would.(PHYLISS writes on a card.)Her name is Charlotte Van Nordstrom. Call her. (Checks her watch.) Oh, I am meeting Chester for a special showing of “GoneWith The Wind.” He’s obsessed with that movie. I can’tfor the life of it imagine why.JULIE.Maybe because of a certain Southern Belle from Spartanburg South Carolina. He’s crazy about you. He always has been.PHYLISS.Julip, there is nothing going on. Chester keeps me grounded, so I don’t do something foolish. (PHYLISS exits SR. JULIE opens her cell phone and makes a call.)JULIE.Hello. Is this Dr. Van Nordstrom? Oh good. My name is Julie Alexander. Oh, thank you for such kind words about my byline. Yes, I am looking for some counseling. I suppose an office would be confining. How about the Charles River? Friday at ten. Oh, please forgive me if I feed the pigeons. They’re family. II-5-3.(LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.)(END OF SCENE.)II-6-1.ACT TWO.Scene Six.TIME.Two years later. Christmas. After dinner.SETTING.The Charles River.AT RISE.CHET and PHYLISS engulfed in anintense kiss. Just as it hits thepeak…PHYLISS abruptly pulls away.) PHYLISS.Chester! My word what has gotten into you this evening. Slow down.CHET.Sorry, I couldn’t take my eyes off you at Kurt and Julie’s. PHYLISS.It’s all right. Ya’ll just a little too excited tonight.It’s more than this girl can handle. (CHET and PHYLISS build another kiss. PHYLISS mumbles through the kiss.) Kurt and Julie. Kurt and Julie.CHET.(Mumbles back.) I thought it was Chet and Phyliss.PHYLISS.It is. (The kiss lingers until PHYLISSpulls away. CHET rolls his head back. Kurt and Julie! You just mentioned Kurt and Julie. Now I am distracted by the horrible evening. CHET.Phyliss, you’re back at the dinner. Be here with me. (Another kiss. A Cell phone interruption. PHYLLIS pushes CHET back and takes the call.)Phyl, you’ve checked that cell phone four times.II-6-2.PHYLISS.She texted.CHET.I didn’t get a text.PHYLISS.Not us. Me. CHET.(A heavy sigh.) What does it say?PHYLISS.Phyliss, I apologize for Kurt’s rude behavior at dinner. I never expected him to be air our dirty laundry out in public.CHET.It wasn’t dirty laundry. He found birth control pills in the car.PHYLISS.Chester Shush. After you left, Kurt and I had a horrible fight about the miscarriage. I have decided to take that job at Politico. I told Kurt I may not be coming back. Chesterwe need to intercede.CHET.We need to stay out of it.PHYLISS.Chester, Julie and Kurt are treasured friends. We can’tstay out of it. Julie’s like a little sister to me.CHET.I hear you Phyl, but we need to let nature take its course.PHYLISS.Chester Aloysius Brewer, you are selfish. I can’t let this go. I won’t. Chester you can stand by our friends or you can ignore them. Which is it?CHET.I’ll support you. (We hear two Pigeons fight. PHYLISSand CHET towards the screeching.)II-6-3.PHYLISS.Oh god that Julius is being attacked by…what’s that big pigeon’s name again.CHET.Gerhard, I think.PHYLISS.Hurry Chester. You go to Kurt’s and I’ll head to Julie’s before they both make a horrible mistake. (PHYLLIS EXITS USR. CHET grabs his pipe. He is about to exit, when a pigeon fight stops him.)He starts USR, then he pigeonfight brings him back down.) CHET.All right guys, listen to Uncle Chet and trying to kill…(CHET tilts his head and watches with fascination.) I’ll be damned. Way to go Gerhard. Way to go.(BLACKOUT.)(END OF SCENE.)II-7-1ACT TWO.Scene Seven.TIME.The Same Evening. Hourslater.SETTING.The Charles River.RISE.JULIE reads a magazine at the SC bench. CHARLOTTE VAN NORDSTROM, tall and in her thirties enters SL. CHARLOTTE.This is the first time you’ve called me for an emergencysession.JULIE.I think Kurt and I are through, but I wanted to talk in case I can salvage what little we have left.CHARLOTTE.Oh dear, this couldn’t happen at a worse time.JULIE.Why?CHARLOTTE.Julie, I can’t be your therapist anymore?JULIE.Why not? CHARLOTTE.Through our sessions, I discovered that Kurt is my high school sweetheart. It would be unprofessional for me tocontinue. JULIE.Are you? CHARLOTTE.The girl who spoke Russian to him on the phone. I was immature and hideous to him. While at Georgetown, I switched my major II-7-2.CHARLOTTE. (Continued.)from languages to Psychology. I couldn’t take what I had done. You probably hate me.JULIE.No, the exact opposite. You have helped us.CHARLOTTE.I couldn’t have helped you that much. Your thinking of ending your marriage. JULIE.We had a fight tonight in front of our friends. It was awful. Please I need to see if I can save us.CHARLOTTE.I’ll do this for Kurt. I was such a horrible bitch to him. He deserves that much. What do you think is missing in yourmarriage? JULIE.The friendship is broken. I thought that would see us through the miscarriage. CHARLOTTE.Julie, the two of you shared a tragic loss. He’s feeling that pain too. He may feel you shut him out. Kurt helped me when my mother died of cancer. He took a lot of the blows, I couldn’t. (A sincere look into JULIE’S eyes.)Julie, I see fear inside you. JULIE.Fear of what?CHARLOTTE.Fear of the unknown. Another child? Would you and Kurt lose that child? You need to face that fear. Once you face that fear you and Kurt will heal. I don’t want you to give up. Ask for Doctor Carney. (CHARLOTTE exits SL. JULIE stares at the card. She makes a phone call.) JULIE.Mr. Cellastriano. It’s Julie Alexander, I’m afraid I can’t make the meeting. No, another job came up. As II-7-3.JULIE. (Continued.)tempting as it is to take more money, I have to decline. Yes, this is my dream job. My marriage. (She makes another call.) Kurt? It’s me. I’m fine. Meet me by the Charles at midnight. Kurt, I love you.(BLACKOUT.)(END OF SCENE.)II-8-1.ACT TWO.Scene Eight.TIME.Midnight.SETTING.The Charles River.RISE.JULIE checks her watch. She takes out a large chunk of bread and feeds the pigeons. KURT enters SR. KURT.One cold day before Thanksgiving this girl, Julie took her best friend Kurt, down by the Charles, where they fed pigeons. From that day forward a beautiful friendship was struck with Jasmine, Gerhard, Captain Applejack and Julius. JULIE.Are you a sight for sore eyes. (A firm embrace.)KURT.Julie, If I have pressured you into having a child before you were ready…JULIE.No. I was caught up in my own pain, I didn’tacknowledge what you were going through. We both lost Una. (JULIE places KURT’S hand on her belly. KURT feels a kick.) KURT.Wait a minute, I thought you were…JULIEWhen’s the last time you drove my car?KURTI’d say close to a year… (The lightbulb goes off.) I am such an idiot.II-8-2.JULIEI stopped taking them a year and a half ago. KURTWhen did you find out?JULIEToday. I had an appointment with Dr. Zuber. He said I was two months along.KURTTwo months was when we took that foliage drive up the Kancamagus highway. (JULIE nestles in KURT’S arms.) JULIE.Kurt, what if…KURT.Julie if the worst should happen, we’ll tough it out together. (JULIE gazes at the stars.)JULIEThat’s a pretty cool constellation. KURTOrion the Hunter. Best seen from October through February. It’s my favorite. (CHET and PHYLISS Run on SL. They see KURT and JULIE in eachother gazing at the stars.) CHETI think we found them. PHYLISSThank heavens. Chester, you owe me five bucks.CHETI do?PHYLISSYes, your thesis is BS. Friends can fall in love.(They amble USL.)II-8-3.CHETI never said they couldn’t fall in love, I said it complicates things. PHYLISSOh no! You said and I quote… (CHET and PHYLISS exit. KURT and JULIE’S attention turns to the pigeons.)JULIEKurt, Julius just laid an egg. Julius is Juliet. Howdid we not see that?(They exchange a look of surprise.)KURT.I wonder who the father…(A loud Pigeon Coo. KURT abruptly to his feet.)KURTOh no Gerhard! (JULIE pulls him back down.)JULIENo. Kurt, wait. (They watch in wonder.) Look Gerhard is cleaning her. He’s nuzzling her. He’s not a bully. Gerhard’s the father.(SLOW FADE TO BLACK.)(END OF PLAY.) ................
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