TO MEND A BROKEN HEART



TO MEND A BROKEN HEART

by: Sparkle731

[pic]

David Starsky lay on top of the blankets on his bed, staring at the hands on the clock sitting on his nightstand as he watched the minutes tick by. It was almost six o'clock in the morning and he'd spent another sleepless night, lost in his sorrow and his grief. It had been almost a month since his fiance had died after being shot in the head by a maniac with a grudge against Starsky. And it still hurt as much today as if it had happened yesterday. He couldn't sleep without having nightmares that woke him up screaming, his face drenched with sweat, and he was barely eating.

Because of the unique circumstances surrounding Terri's death, Captain Dobey had put him on indefinite compassionate leave but as the days drug by without any relief from his pain, he knew that it wouldn't be long before he would be expected to return to active duty. But he wasn't ready yet and he didn't know if he would ever be ready. He wasn't even sure he wanted to be a cop anymore. Terri had died because he was a cop and two years ago, so had two cops he didn't even know at the hands of the same man who had shot her. The guilt of those three deaths, especially Terri's, was tearing him apart inside.

More than once he had thought about putting an end to his own pain. It would be so easy. He had the means; one shot is all it would take. He knew how to do it so it would be fatal and wouldn't leave him some kind of invalid because of a failed suicide attempt. The only thing that had stopped him from pulling the trigger so far had been the almost constant vigil of his partner and best friend, Ken Hutchinson. Hutch had literally moved in with him to keep an eye on him.

Even though he was grateful for Hutch's companionship, even the tall blond couldn't ease the torturous pain of his loss. Terri had been a very special lady and the one true love of his life. She had understood him in a way that no other woman ever had and she had accepted him the way he was. She had loved him unconditionally. She knew his strengths, she knew his weaknesses, and she didn't expect him to change into someone he wasn't. No other person in his life had ever loved him like that before except for his mother and Hutch. And unlike most of the other women in he'd dated in the past, Terri had understood and accepted his unique bond with Hutch. She knew that in order to be a part of his life, she had to love and accept Hutch too. And she had. And Hutch had loved Terri too, recognizing immediately that she was the one woman who could truly make his partner happy. His true soul mate, the woman who was destined to share his life and bear his children. When she died, a part of Starsky had died with her, along with his dreams and his hopes for their future.

Starsky could hear Hutch moving around in the kitchen and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee drifted into the bedroom. He continued to lay there, too tired and exhausted both emotionally and physically to face another day. He knew that it wouldn't be long before Hutch came into the bedroom and coaxed him out of bed. Then he would try to coax him into eating some breakfast, even though Starsky knew he'd never be able to keep it down if he did. He'd lost almost twenty pounds since Terri's death, weight he couldn't afford to lose from his already lean frame.

Even alcohol couldn't numb his pain. He knew because he already tried that route. He drank until he passed out every night for almost two weeks after her death only to sleep restlessly for a couple of hours before waking up, sicker than a dog. Hutch had held him while he puked his guts out; tears streaming down his face, an emotional wreak who couldn't get it together no matter how hard he tried. Finally, Hutch had emptied out all the alcohol in the house and refused to bring anymore into the apartment. At that point, Starsky was past caring, letting the tall blond dictate his actions and make his choices for him. It was easier than making them for himself.

There was a constant pain in his chest, an empty place where his heart used to be. A lump in his throat that never went away and felt like a rock whenever he swallowed. An ache deep inside of his body at night when he tried to sleep alone only to find himself reaching out for someone who was no longer there beside him. He was going crazy, a little at a time, his mind shattering into millions of little pieces that would never be put back together again.

He turned his head towards the doorway as Hutch came into the room. The tall blond smiled at his dark haired partner but received no answering smile from the smaller man. The sparkle was gone from those expressive sapphire eyes and had been replaced by a flat, expressionless gaze that unnerved Hutch. He didn't know how to reach Starsky anymore, how to ease his pain, how to make him want to go on living without Terri by his side. But he had made a solemn promise to the petite little brunette to take care of Starsky and not to let him grief so much for her that he gave up on life and that was a promise that Hutch intended to keep somehow.

"Come on, Starsk." Hutch said quietly "Why don't you get up and take a shower before breakfast? I made pancakes and sausages... your favorite."

"I'm not hungry." Starsky muttered flatly, making no move to get out of the bed.

"You always say that." Hutch told him lightly. "You still need to eat something." He reached out and grabbed his partner's hand, pulling gently to coax the resistant brunet out of bed. Sighing in resignation, Starsky swung his legs over the edge of the mattress and sat up on the edge of the bed. Hutch pulled him the rest of the way to his feet and steered him towards the bathroom to tend to his morning ritual. Hutch was deeply worried about his partner's frame of mind. Starsky's grief seemed to be intensifying instead of getting any better. Somehow, Hutch had to find a way to break through the walls that Starsky had put up between them since Terri's death, the rigid control that he was keeping around his emotions. Hutch knew that if Starsky let go of his emotions, he would fall apart but at least then Hutch could start to pick up the pieces and put him back together again.

Sighing softly, Hutch waited until he heard the sound of the shower starting up, then he went back into the kitchen to finish breakfast. He tried to cook Starsky's favorite foods to coax him into eating more but most of the time he was only partially successful. Starsky would eat a few bites and then run to the bathroom where he'd just throw it back up again. Lunch and supper would usually be more of the same, although in the evenings Starsky did seem to make more of an effort to keep the food down.

The two men had always been closer than brothers and able to help each other through all the emotional traumas that life seemed to throw at them. But not this time. This time, Starsky was deliberately shutting Hutch out and Hutch was beginning to wonder if Starsky was going to make it through this particular trauma in one piece.

Twenty minutes later, Starsky came out of the bathroom, his dark curls still wet from his shower. He had gotten dressed in a pair of old sweat pants and a faded tee shirt but he hadn't shaved. The dark shadow on his face accented the sharpness of his cheekbones and the dark circles under his eyes. His normally olive skin tone was shallow and washed out, his tan starting to fade. He slumped down at the table and began pushing his food around on his plate, deliberately avoiding his partner's concerned gaze. "Why don't you go on to work, Blondie? I don't need you to baby-sit me all day." Starsky told him flatly, keeping his eyes on his uneaten food.

"I'm off until Monday. Remember?" Hutch said quietly "So it looks like you're stuck with me for the day."

"Terrific." Starsky muttered sullenly. He wanted Hutch to leave so he could be alone and yet at the same time, he craved his company. Starsky was beyond the point of exhaustion from a lack of adequate sleep and his body was screaming for some rest but he fought the urge to give in. "Have it your way." He shoved back from the table and stood up, stumbling over his own feet he was so tired. Automatically, Hutch bounced to his feet and reached out a hand to steady him but Starsky raised a hand to wave him away. He took two faltering steps towards the sofa and then collapsed to the floor as his body finally shut down.

Hutch ran to his side and gently rolled him over onto his back. From his deep even breathing, Hutch realized that Starsky was sleeping soundly, his exhausted body finally claiming the rest he had been denying it for too long. Sighing in relief, Hutch gently lifted him up into his arms, despite his back's protest, and carried him back to his bedroom where he carefully laid him back onto the bed. Covering him with a light blanket draped over the foot of the bed, Hutch backed out of the room and closed the door partway to let him sleep.

He went back into the living room and slumped down on the sofa, leaning his head back against the cushions and closing his eyes. Hutch could feel the start of a tension headache building up behind his eyes. He knew he needed to get some sleep himself to keep it from turning into a full blown migraine but he wanted to stay alert in case Starsky woke up and needed anything. He knew that one of the reasons Starsky hadn't been sleeping was because of the nightmares. Every since Hutch had known him, the dark haired detective had been plagued by nightmares. More than once he had called Hutch in the early morning hours and the blond had talked him down from a bad dream. But there had also been times that Starsky had returned the favor when Hutch's dreams had kept him from sleeping.

Hutch must have dozed off because he was startled awake by the sound of Starsky's screams from the bedroom. Bounding to his feet, he ran into the bedroom and climbed onto the bed, gathering the dark haired man into his arms to calm him down. Starsky clung to Hutch almost desperately, his fingers digging painfully into Hutch's shoulders. Hutch rubbed soothing circles between the smaller man's shoulder blades and talked to him in a gentle soothing voice.

"It's okay, babe... I'm right here. It's just a bad dream... that's all. You're okay now."

The terror slowly faded from Starsky's eyes as he collapsed in Hutch's arms, his body trembling noticeably. "I want her back, Hutch..." he whimpered huskily, his voice broken and lost. "God, I just want her back!"

"I know, babe... I know." Hutch said gently, his own voice breaking with emotion. "I wish I could bring her back for you but I can't."

A keening wail tore from the brunet's throat, so full of pain and anguish that Hutch felt his own heart breaking in two. He tightened his embrace and began rocking gently back and forth on the bed, comforting Starsky the only way he knew how. Silent tears began to stream down the blond's face as he shared Starsky's pain with him.

"Why does everybody I love keep leaving me, Hutch?" Starsky whimpered in a tired, broken voice "Pop, Helen, Terri... even my own mother sent me away..." he raised his head to lock eyes with his partner, his own eyes pleading for answers "What did I do that was so bad that I lose everybody I love?"

"Babe, you didn't do anything wrong... I don't know why they had to die... God's the only one that knows the answer to that."

"There is no God..." Starsky said in a barely audible voice that sounded strangely flat, almost lifeless. "Or he wouldn't have let some scumbag like Prudem murder Terri."

"Oh, Starsk... you don't mean that."

"Yeah... I do." Starsky insisted firmly in that same flat, dead voice. "There is no God... there is no heaven. There's just hell here on Earth."

"Why don't you try to get some more rest, huh?" Hutch suggested trying to distract Starsky from his morbid thoughts. "I'll stay right here beside you and keep away the bad dreams."

"How long before I lose you too, Blondie?" Starsky murmured his voice heavy with weariness and defeat. "How long before some scumbag blows you away?"

"Ain't gonna happen, Stark. Not as long as I got you watching my back."

"It'll happen... sooner or later... it always does..." Starsky said, his voice trailing off as he fell back to sleep still cradled in Hutch's arms.

"Not if I can help it, buddy." Hutch whispered into the soft curls nestled beneath his chin. "I'll never leave you alone. I'll always be here... me and thee." He felt the tension slowly draining out of the smaller man's body as he fell into a deep relaxing slumber.

This time Starsky's rest was unbroken by nightmares and he slept for most of the day, finally awaking in the early evening. He was only mildly surprised to find himself still lying in Hutch's arms, the tall blond sleeping peacefully beside him. For the first time in days, Starsky felt rested and more in control of his emotions. He lay there quietly, not wanting to awaken Hutch. He knew that the blond was badly in need of some uninterrupted rest too. As he lay there, Starsky let his thoughts drift back over the past few weeks. Like a scab that he kept picking at before it could heal, he kept replaying the events of Terri's death over and over in his mind, reopening the wound time and time again. He couldn't seem to stop himself no matter how hard he tried.

He felt Hutch's stirring beside him as he started to wake up. Opening his eyes, Hutch smiled down at him and said softly "Hey..."

"Hey..."

"You feel any better?"

"No... not really."

"How about we order a pizza? I'll even get 'em to put the whole junkyard on it just for you."

"Gee... thanks, partner..." Starsky said with a ghost of his usual smile.

"Hey, what are friends for?" Hutch straightened up, ignoring the pop in his lower back as he stood up. He'd had trouble with his back for years, ever since he was thrown from a horse when he was in his teens. He knew he'd feel better after a long hot soak in the tub. As his started to leave the room, Starsky's voice stopped him.

"Hey, Hutch... thanks. Ya know?" he said hesitantly "For being here... for being my friend. I... I couldn't get through this without you."

"It's okay, Starsk. I'll always be here for ya... you know that."

"Yeah... I know but it still means a lot to me to have you here right now." He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, then added "I think I'm gonna be okay... as long as I have you to help me..."

"You got it, buddy... me and thee... just like always." Hutch smiled as he turned and continued on into the living room to order their pizza. He felt a vast sense of relief when he realized that Starsky had finally reached the turning point. Now maybe he could finally start to heal. He would never forget Terri or get over her death entirely, nobody could expect him to do that but he would learn to live with his grief and, maybe someday, he would be able to love again.

THE END

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