Christine Flewelling



Christine Flewelling Conflict & Negotiation(EMGOB 855)Sawyer 660 EMBA Fall Semester, 2012Christine Flewelling617-549-2378cflewelling@Personal conflict with manager about communication and trustProfessors DelightCourse Self EvaluationSweater and scarf reminder on the last dayHelped Elizabeth and Ellen with questions on the journalHelped share timeline issues with classmatesCP 15Overall Grade 100APeer Assessment I worked with Kate on the Used Car exercise. She was very well prepared. She had prepared an OBOCCR for both sides of the case. She did a good job not resorting to habitual behavior. The negotiation went well, there was give and take. We both understood our roles. We played our roles well and we were able to come to a mutual agreement. I think Kate is naturally an accommodator and wants to make others happy. However, she was able to effectively negotiate and stand up for what she wanted. She did a great job with the simulation. I worked with Christina, Tim, Kate and Frada on the Chestnut Drive case. Everyone prepared an IBOCCR ahead of time and had put a lot of thought into the case. We took on a collaborative method of working together. Everyone had a deep understanding of the case. Christina and Kate did a great job helping lead the discussion and bring up points. Tim and Frada were excellent at adding value. Everyone worked well bringing up points and working to make sure everyone was heard. I worked with Shaul on the PowerScreen case. He was very well prepared. He had prepared an IBOCCR in preparation for the negotiation. He was a firm but an effective negotiator. He is great at maintaining his positions while listening to the other side. He is firm but fair. Shaul was ready to negotiation and had his IBOCCR ready.I worked with Ellen on the Easy’s Garage case. Ellen was well prepared for negotiating the case. She had a strong understanding of both Susan and John’s needs. She had prepared an IBOCCR for both sides. Ellen was an excellent collaborator. She was able to listen and take both parties concerns into consideration. She was good at keeping her defenses down. We were able to come to a mutual agreement in the end. I watched Terri and Frada negotiate the Sally Soprano case. Both Frada and Terri had prepared well thought out IBOCCRs. They both did a great job being polite and not getting their defenses up. Because of this they were able to come to an agreement successfully. They both knew the details of the case and acted out their roles well. Table of ContentCover page…………………………………1Peer assessment…………………………….2Table of content……………………………3Special Issues………………………………4Class notes of lectures and integrative reflections on class activities and lectures……Negotiation Issues………….Prepared StrategiesSummaries of ReadingsTeaching Smart People How to Learn……….Becoming an Expert in Not Knowing….Organizations on Couch: A Clinical Perspective on Organizational Dynamic….An Interview with Mary Parker FollettAnatomy of a CrisisMan Physically Stops Trees From Being CutThe Used CarA Better Way to Negotiate: BackwardKeeping Your Cool in NegotiationsWhen to Make the First Offer in NegotiationsFive Steps to Better Family NegotiationsBreakthrough Negotiation: Don’t Leave It On the TableNegotiating in Three DimensionsNegotiating Challenges for Women LeadersSix Ways to Build Trust in NegotiationsIs that Really Your Best Offer? Striking a Deal with a Difficult NegotiatorWhen Gender Changes the NegotiationNegotiation Style MatrixIndividualization of the article Organizations on the CouchColored SheetIndividual ConflictSpecial Issues What do you think conflict and negotiation are? How do you react to them? Conflict is unavoidable in today’s fast paced, ever changing world. Negotiation is necessary to try to keep balance. I typically avoid conflict, however I am learning it’s healthy to voice my opinions and that just because there is conflict it doesn’t have to be negative. Both sides can benefit with proper negotiation. I feel I typically avoid conflict because I feel I’d rather deal with the issue on my own than create conflict. It depends on the person. I work with some very strong personalities who are resistant to change. When it comes to dealing with types like that I look at my BATNA and usually go with an alternative. When dealing with more rational people I am happy to face a conflict and work out a solution that is mutually beneficial. What other assets am I sitting on unutilized? In class we played a game that helped remember names, even though I was a person who said I wasn’t good at memorizing names. Another asset I feel I am not utilizing is my creativity. I don’t think of myself as a creative person but feedback I get from others is that they see me as creative. I think I see being creative as being the best artist, or always thinking out of the box. I think I am able to be creative in the proper environment, such as a safe environment like class. How do you react to / feel about silence? Silence doesn’t bother or intimidate me. I am comfortable with silence. I understand many people feel a need to fill silence with banter but if I don’t have something to offer I won’t. I like silence because it lets me reflect and think about things. I think it’s important to reflect on experiences in order to get the most out of them and be able to grow from them and potentially react differently in the future. Are you a dog or a cat? Why? I am a dog because I loyal, I am pretty easy going. I get along with most people. I always have my “nose to the ground.” I won’t seek out conflict but will bite if provoked. I also like being around people and tend to travel in “packs.” I see cats as sneaky and sly, and I am an honest person, with a strong moral compass. Do a matrix of triggers and manifestations of your defensiveness’s and hot buttons:TriggersManifestationsEmbarrassedTurn red, feel hot, sweat Frustrated / angry Raise my voice, feel my heart beat fasterTelling the truth but people think I am lyingLaugh“Can I talk to you?”Pit in my stomach, heart races Either Or Cliff – either I tell you what I think and risk the relationship or I don’t tell you and risk that you don’t learn – does this apply in some way to me? This applies to me in a personal relationship with a close friend I have. How intimadatable are you? Intimidation is a two way street. Are you overly intimadatable? I’m intimidated by situations in which I feel inferior of inadequately prepared. a situation of this nature would be, for example, when I am asked to do something at work that I don’t have the knowledge or resources to do the job well. I am very type A and like to achieve. If I feel I cannot do something as well as I’d like to then I feel intimidated. Am I a dumper? Do I dump things on people? Or am I a dumpee? I see myself as a dumper. Not only because I have dumped every boyfriend I have had except for one, and trust me, there have been quite a few, but because I don’t let people take advantage of me. I have a natural tendency to delegate to others. However, I do believe in fairness and I won’t dump on people just for the sake of it. I don’t see myself as someone who takes advantage of people, just like I wont let people take advantage of me. Think of an outstanding apology – you aren’t sure if you should give it or receive it. Where you are 50/50. Visualize yourself tipping it over by giving the apology. Feel a little hesitation, anger, want to save face, also feel like you are owed an apology too. Class NotesClass notes 10/12/2012What’s up? The debate between Biden and Ryan Malala, 14 year old girl from Pakistan who was shot by the Taliban in the neck for speaking out and up for a girl/women’s right to be educatedLiving Proof salon in Cambridge’s new spokesperson, Jennifer Aniston 5% Professors DelightPerception of letter and MazenBeing aware is half of negotiationImagine a Pharaoh who is in a Chariot, being pulled by 15 horses. All the horses want to go in different directions and at different capacities. The Pharaoh is the leader, and must reign in all the horses so they can arrive at the end together. This is Mazens job with us, or any leader’s job. Right brained – emotion, creativeLeft brained – thinking, reasonThis is a graph of frustrating and learning over the course of the four classes of this course. Our frustration will increase initially, then will start to decline and our learning will continue to grow. Things that are interesting in a good drama:Good plotSuspensionRealisticStrong characters – well defined / compellingConflictHumorRapid pacedCompelling situation / plotLust, forbidden, enticing Uncovering unshared / dark sideReflectionTragedySuspenseDiscoveryPersonal conflict w/ emotions underlined 1x1ImportantDifficultTaken place over a period of timeCurrent1. conflict2. emotions3. time elementFrustratedHurtSadThreatenedAngry/madManipulatedConfusedWorriedConcernedUpsetStrainedStressedTiredSurprisedDisappointedBlindsided There is a reinforcing loop of conflict and emotions. It will spiral unless it is stopped. The below graph shows the level of intensity of an argument over time System dynamics – look for behavior that created conflictAddresses conflict by searching for dynamic that caused itCognitive decadence Say noBut buy because you feel bad“I am asking you to give me a price so that if I discover you’re cheating me, you’re telling me you don’t ever want me to come back, even if it’s only one dollar less.”Not doing the homework for someone elseMazen told a great story about buy a rug in India to tie this inPrisoners dilemmaProsecutor doesn’t have enough dataLesser sentence if you turn the other guy in firstTrust – takes a lot of time to build & no time at all to loseWe did a “red/green” exercise in class where we had to vote for red or green. If everyone choose red, then everyone would get five million dollars, once people started choosing green, there was the possibility one group might get 30 million, but no matter what someone would lose out. If we had all chosen red, every time, in the end we would have had well over 100 million more than we ended up with. It was interesting to me that in all the years Mazen did this exercise, no group ever picked all red. We learned to forget about the competition element and work together. We also did a “Used Car” negotiation exercise. I enjoyed this as it let us practice our skills in negotiation. It was interesting to see how the other groups got to their final prices. The role playing in class was also helpful. Class notes 10/13/2012What’s up?UNH girl missingSolve conflict by bringing it up Awareness is the first most important step in changing / transforming Lion exampleRawrrrrPees all over the land to make his territoryKills and eats firstBook on when one is better than another by Preofessor Shell, Barganing for AdvantageHow to inplement collaborative negotiation? Shaking hands doesn’t mean a win / winHave we tried to expand the pie? So even if you get 1/3 it’s bigger than ? would have been. Multiple item negotiation lends to collaborative strategies because of trade offs.(V)alue(s) – everything is controlled by your values. Interests – Mine and yours. Emphasis on mine & yours. What can I do for you that costs me less and you value more in exchange for what you can do for me that costs you less and I value more? By helping you achieve your goals, you help me achieve mine. What are the other parties concerns and worries? BATNA – Must develop at least one. Be careful, you don’t want such a strong BATNA that you become arrogant. Don’t dictate. A strong BATNA can anchor you. Play with care & diplomacy. Hint to stronger than they think it is. Options – Invest & generate then decide. Have a creative session then a deciding session. Creativity is subjective & brainstorming deciding is judgmental. Don’t challenge, be soft. Example – a plane trying to land on another persons runway. Cant bombard, must make friends with the control tower. Criteria - Want to be as fair & objective as possible. Communication – Give / take. Listen & talk. Listening is the most important. Relationship – Maintain & grow if possibleIBOCCR can happen in a fraction of a second, or over time. You must know your IBOCCR, it’s a synergy. We negotiate because we are interdependent, this is the essence of negotiation. Courage is in your heart. Fear is also there and it’s what makes courage matter. You can’t have courage with out fear. To be courageous is to act from the heart with out fear. There is no courage, courage comes from fear. “double click”-find out concerns & worries-see what is of little value to you and a lot of value to the other party and vice versaFirst handle emotion, then deal with conflict Quiet emotions“don’t like someone to do to me with you perceive I’m doing to you.” Mazen’s story about parking on Newbury street to return the watch, and the other person thought he stole his spot. Mazen negotiated with the man to let him stay for ten minuets, then the man could have the spot for his dinner. He also was sure to wait for him if he had to circle the block, which he did, so he wouldn’t get screwed. Value – don’t take what belongs to others. Interests – his vs. mine – why is he so concerned? BATNA – objective criteriaInvent options w/ the other partyPost settlement settlement – ex – throw in a stove after you buy the houseEmotions disturb peopleNegotiate most important part firstThen bring other pieceHabitual behavior is very strong Cant just learn / must absorb / doIf you have all +’s or and equal number of +’s and –‘s then you have a reinforcing cycle.When defensiveness increases, the learning decreases. You must learn to negotiate. Learning must have doingPeople who are on the defensive tend to learn very little, if at all. Transforming the negotiatorIs there a way out? Habitual behavior is triggerableConflictElementary defensivenessLearningHow habitual is reactionHow it escalates back into conflict?Most prevalent type of learningNot the most productiveMost people are not learning productivelyWhy?4 step process: Mechanisms of defensiveness – a physical mechanism with which we try to shield ourselves from potential embarrassment or threats. Say one thing and do anotherDeny or unaware of itMake denial unavoidableMake undiscussability of denial undiscussable Defensive – closed – threatenedLearning – openThus creating a sealing karma anti learning “doom loop”Change actionDouble loop learning – reflect on root cause of problems Defensive:WallShut downRejectingBlockingRationalizingTurned offFearShieldedGuardedAnxiousStubbornSummary of Defensiveness:Espoused theory – reflect what we sayTheories of action – determine what we doTheories of action influence our actionsGoverning values are highly related to the way you were brought upPeople like to maximize winning and minimize losingunilateral controlsave faceact rational have to raise defensiveness in order to lower iteither or cliffeither I hide because you are afraid to destroy the relationship or you tell them and destroy the relationshiphow can we say that in a way to question yourself as well and hold yourself responsible to bridge the gapneed to create a double loop learning bypassmodel 2 – governing valuesIn class we did two exercises. The first was a paperclip exercise, which was the same premise as the red/ green exercise we did the day before. I realized the point of the exercise, but still failed in the sense I was unable to not communicate. I found it more frustrating to understand the premise and not be able to communicate, than I would have to not understand and be able to communicate. The second exercise was arm wrestling, again I saw it as a competition, and failed to WORK WITH my teammate to reach a common goal. I want to say I have finally learned my lesson, at least I am more aware now. Class notes class 3 10/19/12What’s up?Obama vs. Romney debate. Kerry practiced with Obama. Obama is too polite You are not ready to negotiate until you can put the argument of the other person better than they can Reading people is critical in a negotiation, even if you are wrong you can store that in your mind and use it to learn from it to be less wrong less time. We have the class set up in the two day, two day, format to set up the drama and to be most effective. It also helps build frustration into the class in the appropriate fashion. Comfort zones are habitualPush inward towards the core Outside the comfort zone there is a dangerous zoneThe suggestion is that in the middle between the two zones is the learning zoneThat tells you that you need to push yourself to some level of discomfort to learnThe push outside of comfort causes anxietyAnxiety comes from uncertaintyMost people respond to an anxiety with flight of flight responseFight or flight happens in a millisecond and produces denial or defensivenessThey produce willing ignorance or skilled incompetence Now you can see they repetitive behavior of a cycle from acting in a skillful way from reacting how we always haveThis relates to conflict and negotiation by keeping us doing what we have been doing and not learning from itWe get out of this by stopping when we feel anxiety. Stare at the anxiety. When you stare at an anxiety you can now learn how to learnThis will give you new insights that will help you address the anxietyYou aren’t successful because you design a plan, you are successful when you implement and adapt to the plan.Personal change happens in the minute and secondsYou need the base to get the drive or plan. This is the espoused part. The claimed part. This is relevant and sufficient in any subject matter until you deal with human beings. Then you have to implement it. Personal chance requires something else that incudes understanding. Practice is necessary for humans. Emotion plays an important role in negotiation. Learning now means you being able to fly and land.Action causes learning not to be perfect.What happens in real life that interrupts our learning? N to N is defensiveness, which interrupts our learning.Double click on defensiveness and you’ll be back in last weeks lectureWe shield ourselves from threats or embarrassments with defensiveness.Almost all habitual behaviors come from defensivenessDoesn’t mean every time you are avoiding you are defensive.It takes a reflective nondefensive action to be able to move collaboratively Need to minimize defensiveness to learn productivity.Theory is whenever we have action – action comes in minutes and seconds Purpose Process – leadership & agenda – items & timeProductBATNA what to do if negotiation failsOptions what to do to make the negotiation a successCriteria is an option- what do others do? What do other husbands do in this situation? Idea is to be fairCommunication- as practical imagination as it will go. I will try to do this… try to script what will happen. Listen and talk. How will I craft this? Negotiating is finding out how the other person see the problemMust recognize what is fair and be fair to both partiesInterestsRelationshipsOptionsAlternatives / BATNALegitimacy – criteria of fairnessCommunication – negotiation is all communication. Talking and listening. Listening is more important. Say “let me see if I hear you”You need to understand in order to be understoodHonesty doesn’t mean full disclosure Don’t always indicate urgencyTo help settle we will commit to this…Be aware of having an overly strong BATNA and becoming arrogantClass 4 10/20/12What’s up? Shaul got a dog, monster. A Chug. Most of us live our lives being imprisoned in an image. It’s very difficult to come out of this. It’s like getting out of your comfort zone. You can master beautifully the skills You can only transform when you take the learning and add passionPassion:LoveDedicationEnthusiasmIntensityAdvocacyDepthCaringCommitmentThese words are very different than the words we have around defensiveness Movie “Like Water for Chocolate.”Babets FeastMan, Women, Eat DrinkIf you don’t have passion for learning or the other person in a negotiation then it will all be technical or cognitive and you wont get anywhereFacing your defensiveness if tough, departing from the comfort zone is tough. You must have a lot of passion. Conflict leads to defensiveness Interdependence is crucial to negotiation, otherwise the other person is dictating or not there. Model 2 Governing values – slow don’t, don’t change the actions, ask yourself what happened here and why? If you change the action w/o asking yourself about the root cause then the chances are the action will repeat itself. If you ask yourself, you will find you acted habitually, you will find the governing value that got you to the act. Model 1 gov vales are all based on undiscussability. Need to have valid confirmable informationNeed to have an issue of free choiceNeed to have personal commitmentHow can we translate this into action? These depend on examining the old governing values and see if you want to hold them. We want to increase our confrontabilityCronfrontationability is fighting, confrontability is being able to face somethingConfrontability is to make sure that I invite inquiry into my advocacy There is no need for you to advocate for a position that isn’t validBe confrontable There are thee stages:Tolerate – the other persons point of viewAccepting – the other persons p.o.v.Inviting – the other persons p.o.v.1. Want to increase confrontability, reduce confrontationability2. Want to reduce conclusiveness3. Want to increase the level of your vulnerability 4. Reduce distancing 5. Reducing easing in (asking questions to which you know the answer) when you do this you are putting someone on the defensive so you win and they lose. want you to share stuff that is too heavy on your shoulderswhat vulnerabilities can you shed off? Our own weaknesses Defensiveness is so deeply ingrained that you carry feelings about other people and they are so ingrained they become undiscussable.Motivation comes from passion, the heart. You must love. An apology is a plane trying to land. Don’t move until the apology has landed. It’s at the moment that it’s not expected that delight will happen. A hug will have more value now. Added value happens here now. This is the extra piece. Make sure the person is really listening and just hearing you. Once you are sure the surface is clean you can put the dough on it and begin to make the doughTry to catch yourself asking questions to which you know the answer. This is almost always an escalation into defensiveness. A tricky situation is when you have a positive overlap, when what I am willing to pay is more than what you are willing to take. Shaking hands is not an indication that you have a win win. The tricky point is what is the marginal utility of every dollar? Positive overlap can be as bad as negative overlap because it prevents you from looking at expanding the pie and creating other solutions. Not known because not looked for. But heard, have heard in the stillness between two waves of the sea. T.S. ElliotA condition of complete simplicity. If I didn’t do it does it cost less than everything? Look now hear now. And something ignited in my soul, fever or unignited wings and I wrote my first bare line. And I went my own way deciphering that fire. Relevant IssuesThe Obama / Ryan debate. The debate is not only a negotiation between the two parties, but a negotiation between each candidate and the public. Each person is trying to win the election. What’s also interesting is people already have preconceived perceptions and it’s difficult to break those. Playing to emotions in this election could be crucial. One big emotional topic now is overturning Roe vs. Wade. This one issue alone has enough emotional pull for me to vote for Obama and negate all other issues. During the debate I didn’t like the way Romney referred to his “binders of women.” He also made a comment about making flexible work arrangements so that women could go home to make dinner while maintaining a job. I don’t know why he thinks it’s a women’s role to have to make dinner, and that other people can’t handle this responsibility. Growing up both of my parents worked and my mother did make dinner every night, but she certainly didn’t need a “flexible arrangement” to do this. I also make dinner often and I can balance work and my personal life. The UNH student who was allegedly strangled by Mazzagila is interesting to me is in the details it’s lacking. I imagine the police and investigators negotiating with Mazzagila in order to find the missing body. Malala the 14 year old girl who was shot by the Taliban for speaking out for women’s rights is relevant because she was only asking for something she believed she deserved. This frustrates and infuriates me. I don’t understand why Malala, and other girls can’t be educated the same as boys. It’s sad that she has to grow up in a place where not only is she deprived education, but she can’t speak her mind and try to negotiate for what she believes in. The prostitution scandal in Kennybunk is relevant since so far 21 men have been charged, and named in the case. I wonder if prisoner’s dilemma will play a role and some will strike a plea for a lesser sentence in order to rat out more parties involved. “Teaching Smart People How to Learn” discusses how most companies aren’t sure how to effectively teach their employees. Companies are making two major mistakes when it comes to teaching their employees. First they are defining learning as “problem solving,” thus making their focus too narrow. This doesn’t stem from employees not be willing or able to learn. Rather employees tend to shut down when they feel embarrassed. They suddenly felt that their performance might not be as good as they thought it was and this makes them feel guilty and the guilt and embarrassment make them defensive. People get stuck in a “single loop” style of learning. This means when they fail they blame others instead of being able to self reflect and see what they might have done wrong. “Double loop” learning would be productive, enabling people to understand how they think. This “double loop” type of learning is more difficult to achieve. Employees can easily get caught in a “doom loop” which is when people who aren’t used to failing suddenly are faced with a situation they can’t handle and are faced with failing. They start to hold other people against different standards than they want to be held against. In order to avoid this and become productive people can be taught to break these habits by teaching them to recognize them first. Managers must first look at their tactics and the theories they are using. If managers aren’t aware of their actions and reasoning abilities they cant expect their employees to become aware. Change also has to start at the top so managers aren’t threatened by new behavior. Managers need to be taught how they can benefit from these changes and how it can help the organization as a whole. They also need time to practice their new skills. “When managers are trained in new reasoning skills, they can have a big impact on the performance of the entire organization.” The more people in the organization who can learn these techniques, the better productivity will be. “Becoming an Expert in Not Knowing” looks at the teacher/consultant and student/client relationship in relation to stepping back from what’s comfortable, “knowing,” for the teachers in order to better guide the students. When a teacher steps back from his traditional role and lets students feel anxiety he is really allowing them to think independently without the constraints and definitions of the material at large. This forces the students to ask more questions and dive into other areas. This can be difficult for both the students and teachers since anxiety can be increased for both parties since there is no “clear path” and people get anxious when they fear they may fail. As long as teachers keep a safe environment by providing a “container” for students to learn in this can be controlled. I have to admit as I was reading this article I was thinking the teacher was unprepared, and that’s why he felt his morning session was a failure. I also thought the way he decided to “abandon” the afternoon session was a way of him giving up. After reading the whole article I learned his motifs and realized he was engaging them in a more complex way that allowed them to take the class wherever they wished. This article also talked about how valid feelings are as they need to be valued as data about each side’s experiences. The teacher needs to guide and support the student by giving feedback, not necessarily answers. They are there to help and guide but not to spew their knowledge in this style of being an expert in not knowing. “Organizations on the Couch” discusses how a persons psyche and childhood experiences shape the type of person they are in business. Many of the responses adults have, including responses in the office or to business situations, stem from experiences they had growing up. Much of your personality and how you learn to respond to situations is shaped during childhood and can lead to unconscious behaviors at work. Managers often believe that employees are making conscious decisions, when in fact, it’s the opposite. Because of these underlying, unconscious, behaviors many people who say they are open to change often still have a difficult time with it. They often treat just the symptoms of the problem and ignore the underlying issues. This unconscious behavior on behalf of people leads to organizations being run in unconscious ways many times, since organizations take on the traits of their leaders. People need motivation in order to thrive. Many people exhibit forms of narcissism which stems from childhood. Due to this many organizations form some sort of neurosis. The five main forms are called “the dramatic / cyclothymic organization, the suspicious organization, the compulsive organization, the detached organization and the depressive organization.”People need to feel three “meta-vales” in order to feel like they are part of an organization. They are: a feeling of community, a sense of enjoyment, and a sense of meaning. If a company can help people feel these three vales then it may be able to achieve an “authentizotic” culture. This means people understand there is trust in the organization and people feel connected to the companies’ vision. People understand why they are doing what they are doing. “An Interview with Mary Parker Follett” discusses Follett’s progressive views on conflict and problem solving. She was very ahead of her time, even for today’s standards in her work. She thought conflict is useful and should be made to work for us. She thought differences should be accepted and brought into the open so people can better understand where each other is coming from. She thought people should be taught the ““art” of cooperative thinking”” in schools, just like people were taught reading and writing. She also knew the importance of understanding the entire situation when being faces with a conflict. Follett applies her views to business by saying “likewise with cooperation and competition in business: cooperation is going to prove so much more difficult than competition that there is not the slightest danger of any one getting soft under it.”“Anatomy of a Crisis” discusses crisis and how it’s ultimately perceived in people’s heads as a result of limited time available in order to deal with a situation. Three factors play into creating a crisis, they are: high stakes, little time and high uncertainty. When people are faced with these factors they often feel the pressures of a crisis. When that occurs people tend to focus on short term solutions rather than long term fixes or losses. Decision makers in a crisis feel a great amount of uncertainty. There are three kinds of uncertainty: lack of critical information, uncertainty about the others intentions, and uncertainty about the likelihood of the situation escalating. Other times uncertainty arises due to lack of communication. People in these situations often feel their options narrowing and they fail to look into alternative options. The deeper into crisis mode people are the more severely they feel the factors pressing upon them. This is when they must judge their risks and make uncomfortable choices. In order to defuse a crisis people must try to “control the perceived stakes, insure adequate time for each side to consult and decide, and insure a flow of accurate, credible information about the situation and the other side’s intentions.”“Saying You’re Sorry” brings up the importance of apologizing when you do wrong. It talks about how in some cases it’s enough to ease tensions because people just want to see people take responsibility for their wrong doing. Other times it’s not enough to only apologize but it helps maintain or repair the relationship. An apology helps mediate the situation. Apologies, when made, must be made in a timely manner. Many times today, especially in the United States, an apology is seen as an admission of guilt. Due to this many people are unwilling to apologize, sometimes out of fear that others will take legal action against them. “Man Physically Stops Trees From Being Cut” is about a man who stood up for his beliefs by negotiating with people in power to achieve his goal. Not only was he able to achieve his goal, he was able to convince the State highway officials to send a survey out to other residents in the area to get their feedback on a current project that involved rebuilding a nearby railroad bridge, along with a similar questionnaire which was sent to people who 30 – 50 other highway projects across the state may have affected. Mazen was able to achieve these victories due to his successful negotiating strategies. “The Used Car.” I would negotiate by indicating my interested and asking to look at the car. Then I would ask to take the car for a test drive. My plan here is the longer I keep the seller engaged and let them know I am interested, the less they will want to let a sure sale walk away. I would create a rapport with the seller. Ahead of time I’d do my research on the car and see if there were any comps that I could also look at. After spending time with the seller I’d make them an offer of $4,050 cash. I’d be willing to go up to $4,100. “A better Way to Negotiate: Backward” makes me think about my everyday negotiations. I would always leave the most difficult person to the end and try to wear them down by feeling outnumbered. If I think about negotiating in my family I’d save myself a lot of time if I got my most resistant parent on board first, then everyone else would probably be more willing to jump on board knowing that it was something worthwhile and also probably not worth resisting. “Keeping Your Cool in Negotiations” looks at how important it is to stay calm and seek control when negotiating. It’s important to be able to go to your balcony and keep your cool. I find this when working with my boss who I have the personal conflict with. Negotiations happen fast, so you must be able to think on your feet and be ready to react even if someone catches you by surprise. I need to be able to know what triggers my defensive mechanisms and avoid them so I can break the reinforcing cycle of conflict. “When to Make the First Offer in Negotiations” talks about when it’s smart to make a first offer in negotiations. Often people like to wait and let the other party make the first offer to see where they stand. Even when we did the “Used Car” exercise in class I found myself fishing around trying to get Kate to make an offer first. She seemed to have the same strategy. When we finally started talking numbers we already had a good sense of where the other party stood, which was helpful in making a realistic offer. I have also used this tactic when buying a car. However, when I bought a car I did make the first offer. We ended up negotiation for about six hours before coming to an agreement, but five years later I still have a good relationship with the dealer that I bought the car from. “Five Steps to Better Family Negotiations” discusses how to have successful family negotiations. What I found most interesting in this article was the idea of negotiating over interests, not family positions. I feel like in my family it’s so easy for people to play their role card instead of taking the situation at large into consideration. My mother’s side is Italian and have a win / lose way of arguing. By not trying to beat the other side we can all gain a lot more, not only in the negotiation, but out of our relationships with each other. We need to do a better job in my family of listening to each other and negotiating on multiple items in order to be able to have more win / win scenarios. “Breakthrough Negotiation: Don’t Leave It On the Table” explains how breakthrough negotiators always view their negotiation as having options. This is a skill that it would behoove me to hone in order to be more successful at work. I need to be careful to involve the right people, control the agenda and create links that work in my favor. I feel like I am good at preparing for negotiation but I need to work on being able to remove my emotions and adapt to the changing situation better. I am fortunate to have the resources of a number of good people where I work and while I am good at involving them, I need to work on making sure I am utilizing them to the best of their abilities. “Negotiating in Three Dimensions” makes me think about times when I have conflict with Gene. When this happens either Gene or myself will get my manager involved as a neutral third party, or moderator. We will each meet with her as well as with each other until we feel we have resolved the current issue or issues that have come up. Involving my manager helps ease the situation since she is also committed to helping us reach an understanding. “Negotiating Challenges for Women Leaders” focuses on why women don’t negotiate as much as men do. I know I didn’t negotiate my vacation time when I started my new job a year and a half ago, even though it was something that was very important to me. Instead I just accepted the two weeks they gave me, even though I was upset about it. I did try to negotiate my salary but gave up as soon as I heard any push back. I understand men are better at standing up for themselves in situations like this. Looking back I wish I had asked a third party how appropriate it would have been for me to negotiate more. I felt like I didn’t want to come off as difficult or pushy. When men are difficult or pushy in business it’s often beneficial for them. When women act that what they are seen as bitchy and it’s often detrimental for their careers. I need to find a balance of standing up for what I believe in with out being bitchy. “Six Ways to Build Trust in Negotiations” examines how people can build trust when they are negotiating. Going back to my personal conflict with Gene, one of the biggest challenges I face with him is the fact I don’t find him trustworthy. I have caught him lying to me, and about stupid things. For example he told me that two of the other people I work for called a meeting with my manager, when I had spoken to them and knew for a fact he called it and wanted them to join in. When he lies to me about little things like this is pushes me further away from him. I have dealt with this by keeping my integrity, hoping that if he can trust me, maybe he will become more honest in return. “Is that Really Your Best Offer” discusses strategies six strategies a person can use to distinguish between lies and the truth when negotiating. These strategies are: listening with all your senses, listening at all times, looking for anomalies, asking the right questions, taking a broad view and honing your skills. I didn’t realize how important listening is to negotiating until taking this class and reading “Getting to Yes” and “Getting Past No.” I have already been working on listening more and talking less. I usually don’t talk unless I have something I feel is important to offer, however, when I am dealing with something that makes me emotional then I might become defensive and not listen as well as I should. Now that I am aware of this I am trying to really pay attention to my triggers, as well as my manifestations, to be sure to go to my balcony when I start to feel emotional or defensive. Then I can start to listen again, and more importantly make sure the other party is responding positively to what is being said by me. I also want to be sure to keep my cool so I make people feel at ease and people begin to feel they can trust me. “Striking a Deal with a Difficult Negotiator” focuses on dealing with people who come off as irrational in a negotiation. Once again I think of dealing with Gene. I have learned to approach him as though he is rational. Sometimes that is helpful and I am pleasantly surprised by his reactions. However, other times he still acts in irrational ways and it’s necessary to get my manager involved to help smooth the situation over. Unfortunately when dealing with him, as an ongoing relationship, the only way I could cancel the relationship would be to get another job, which isn’t something I’m looking to do right now. “When Gender Changes the Negotiation” deals with the notion that women negotiate differently than men. Women tend to ask for less in negotiations where the limits aren’t clear. I have been guilty of this in my previous job. I was there almost four years and never even got a cost of living raise. I’d debate asking for one but then I’d tell myself that in the current economy I was lucky to have a job and it was best to not rock the boat. I feel guys wouldn’t trivialize their needs and make excuses the way I did. If I could do it over again I’d ask for a raise. Since I can’t do it again, I need to not make excuses going forward and be able to speak up and ask for what I know I deserve. Sally Soprano IBOCCRInterests: Sally – wants the exposure from the role of Norma to improve her chances of getting a role on a tv opera that would pay 45k. Sally doesn’t care about the money she’d get for playing Norma. Lyric Opera’s Business Manager – he wants 80%+ of the house sold out every show. BATNA:Sally – take a role behind the scenes. Coach opera. Tell them she will take the Norma part for a very small amount in order to get the exposure. LOBM – hire someone else, with a stronger voice. Hire sally for a reduced rateOptions: Sally – offer to take the role for less to increase her chances of getting it, ask for more moneyLOBM – hire Sally, hire someone else with a stronger voiceCriteria:Sally – take the role for less money for the exposureLOBM – pay Sally less, and use the extra money on more promos/ advertisingCommunication: Sally & LOBM – must be open to options that don’t cost them much but give the other a greater value, and vice versaRelationship: Sally – Sally wants to grow / maintain the relationship since she still would like to performLOBM – should keep the relationship in case he needs SallyPreparation Strategies: (1) Personal introductions, (2) Share my interests, reasons and concerns, (3) Ask for the other’s interests, reasons and concerns and ask questions to get to the underlying interests, (4) brainstorm alternatives / options, (5) identify solution.Easy’s Garage IBOCCRInterests: Dr. Susan Garfield – wants to pay a price she feels is fair for the work that she had done to her car. She doesn’t want to be taken advantage of. John – wants to be paid for the work his shop providedBATNA: Susan – can offer to pay part of the bill, she can offer to pay a % of the overage. John – can offer her to pay the whole bill but offer her free oil changes, tire rotations, etc for a period of time, etc. he can ask that she pays the whole amount, but he will probably lose a good customer. He can ask that she pay a % of the bill. He can stick the original bill to save a relationship. Options: Susan - can offer to pay part of the bill, she can offer to pay a % of the overage. She can sue John. She can take her car elsewhere. John - can offer her to pay the whole bill but offer her free oil changes, tire rotations, etc for a period of time, etc. he can ask that she pays the whole amount, but he will probably lose a good customer. He can ask that she pay a % of the bill. He can stick the original bill to save a relationship.Criteria: Susan & John can come the an agreement about what a fair price would be based on the work done, the initial estimate, what was actually spent, and how many labor hours were spent. Communicate:Susan & John need to sit down and discuss their dilemma. John needs to realize Susan’s feelings are hurt and she feels taken advantage of. Susan needs to respect John’s craft. Relationship:Susan & John need to sit down and discuss their dilemma. John needs to realize pissing Susan off isn’t worth losing a valued customer in the long run. Preparation Strategies: (1) Personal introductions for all parties, (2) Share my interests, reasons and concerns, (3) Ask for the other’s interests, reasons and concerns and ask questions to get to the underlying interests, (4) brainstorm alternatives / options, (5) identify solution.Chestnut Drive IBOCCRInterests: Residents – safety (no holes, open sites, speeding construction trucks), no noise, no litter, preferably no construction at all Bunyon Brothers Construction Company – profits from the project, improve reputation? BATNA:Residents – block the street, allow the construction as is, propose construction hours and safety requirements. Propose rules about dirt, and litterBBCC - keep building and ignore the complaints, adhere to rules set by residents and BBCCOptions:Residents – block the street, allow the construction as is, propose construction hours and safety requirements. Propose rules about dirt, and litterBBCC - keep building and ignore the complaints, offer to let residents have access to amenities once the complex is built, adhere to rules set by residents and BBCCCriteria:Residents – allow construction but ask for sites to be closed off for safety. Ask for a strict speed limit on their street for construction vehicles, ask for construction to be during set hours. Ask for dirt piles to be covered at night. BBCC – ask residents for their cooperation in exchange for use of pool / tennis court amenities once the project is finished. Communication: Residents & BBCC – stop harassing BBCC about building and adhere to some common rules. BBCC will cover sites and dirt for safety, they won’t speed and once the project is done residents can use the facilities.Relationship:Residents & BBCC - stop harassing BBCC about building and adhere to some common rules. BBCC will cover sites and dirt for safety, they won’t speed and once the project is done residents can use the facilities. Preparation Strategies: (1) Personal introductions for all parties, (2) Share my interests, reasons and concerns, (3) Ask for the other’s interests, reasons and concerns and ask questions to get to the underlying interests, (4) brainstorm alternatives / options, (5) identify solution.The PowerScreen IBOCCRInterests: Star – wants what he feels is owed to him under the contract Alan signed. He feels he invested a lot of money in HackerStar and Alan didn’t listen to him and then went behind his back and used company time and resources to create a product he didn’t agree with. Now that it’s developed he feels he does have rights to it. Alan – feel Star was unsupportive and he did all the work on his own so Star has no rights to the product. He just wants something done ASAP so he can move on. BATNA:Star – sue Alan. Walk away. Negotiate with Alan to pay him a percentage. Alan – try to sell the product to other investors. Options: Star- try to negotiate with Alan to pay him a percentage. Sue Alan. Find a way to make the relationship work. Wants to make sure Alan won’t go off on his own again. Alan – try to get other investors to back him. Pay Star a percentage and cut off ties. Criteria: Star- Wants to make the company work. Needs to know Alan wont go on his own again. Alan could pay him a percent of royalties. Alan – Could let Star sue him. He could pay a percent of royalties. He could get other investors to back him. Communication: Star & Alan – Star and Alan need to sit down with their lawyers and see if a negotiation can be reached with out litigation. Whether that means Alan agrees to pay Star a percentage of his royalties for the product and agree not to stray. Or they agree to cut ties and Alan pays a larger percentage to also pay back Stars investment. Relationship:Star & Alan have to talk about what they want to get out of this. They need to see if it’s important to them to continue this relationship. It would behoove them to put their differences behind them and work something out. If Alan can agree to pay Star a percent of this product’s royalties and Star can let Alan save face by apologizing and setting clear expectations moving forward, then maybe they can move on. Preparation Strategies: (1) Personal introductions for all parties, (2) Share my interests, reasons and concerns, (3) Ask for the other’s interests, reasons and concerns and ask questions to get to the underlying interests, (4) brainstorm alternatives / options, (5) identify solution.TKI Personal Matrix1. B2. A3. B4. A5. B6. A7. A8. A9. B10. B11. B12. A 13. A14. B15. B16. B17. B18. B19. B20. A21. B22. B23. A24. A25. A26. B27. A28. B28. A30. BCompeting: 6Collaborating: 6Compromising: 6Avoiding: 8Accommodating: 4I found the TKI Matrix to be very insightful. I had myself with a moderate concern for others and high concern for myself I know that I often do tend to avoid conflict and the TKI Matrix was confirmation of this. What I found most useful was looking at the reasons why. I agree that often I avoid conflict because I feel the issue is unimportant, or not as important as keeping the peace in the situation. The other reason I avoid conflict at work is that I know I don’t have much, if any power, in my job and I know how difficult it would be for me to accomplish the change I desire. I found it interesting that I tend to be a combination of competing, collaborating and compromising in other situations according to me. TKI Matrix as scored by Other (Kathy Duffy)Competing: 5Collaborating: 1Compromising: 8Avoiding: 7Accommodating: 9What I found most interesting is that my peer also had me as avoiding a number of situations. My peer found me to have a high concern for others and a lower concern for myself. In a way I am flattered that I am not seen as selfish. However, I’d like to be more collaborating than anything. Both my peer reviewer and I had me scoring high on compromising. This is useful to me because the two ways I would describe myself as dealing with conflict are either avoiding or compromising. I like the idea of compromising so no one leaves with out something. I never really thought about the idea of collaborating, and expanding the pie, so both parties can get even more out of the situation. My peer scored me as much more of an accommodator than I saw myself as. It’s interesting to see how others view you, as I am trying to be more self aware and haven’t thought of myself this way. I don’t quite agree with the accommodating aspect of this as I am much more willing to compromise than give up on myself. One thing I need to work on is my peer scored me low on collaborating, which I’d like to work on. I need to become better at finding solutions to problems that help both parties. Organization on the couchExecutive SummaryMy two dominate negotiation styles are compromising and avoiding. I attribute them to innate response patterns which I developed in childhood. When I compromise it stems from being raised by parents “who were able to provide a supportive environment that led to feelings of basic trust and to a sense of control over one’s actions.” I believe I tend to avoid situations when I am trying to avoid negative confrontation, which potentially stems from often feeling left out as a child. I believe my parents did a great job providing me with “age appropriate frustration – i.e. enough frustration to challenge but not so much as to overwhelm.” They were able to expose me to a “supportive environment that led to feelings of basic trust and a sense of control over one’s actions.” I am an only child and my parents did a great job raising me to be independent. They wanted to make sure if anything ever happened to them that I would have the tools to be self sufficient. I was always raised in a home that promoted a sense of self and promoted mutual trust. I think this helped me to be able to compromise with people and be able to stand up for what I want with out being too selfish, accommodating or competitive. I believe my tendencies to avoid conflict stem from feeling left out at times as a child. Since I was an only child I saw my parents always had each other, friends always had siblings to turn to, and I often wished I had someone I was close to in a unique way. I think when I avoid conflict it’s a “flight reaction [that] includes avoidance of others, absenteeism, and resignation in the sense of giving up.” I believe this is a learned response of mine from feeling like the “third wheel.” In order to move from an avoidance or compromising style of dealing with conflict to more of a collaborating form, I need to “become aware of how and why [I] operate.” Now that I am becoming aware of how and why I operate the way I do I can begin to see the choices I have, and I can choose to change. I can stake a step back from my learned responses and start choosing to respond in conscious way. Being aware of how I operate is the first step in raising my emotional intelligence, self-awareness, and thus becoming a more skilled negotiator. It would behoove me to continue working on the skills I have learned and keeping in tune with why I am responding the way I am. Now that I know why I respond the way I do I can try to preempt those responses by consciously choosing to act in a more collaborative way, thus trying to ensure success not only for myself, but for everyone involved. Organization on the CouchI think my most prominent negotiation styles are / is and I attribute that to ________ from reading Organization on the Couch. Individual ConflictMy individual conflict is between myself and a person at work who work for and report directly to. This conflict stems from a lack of communication and trust. Gene is very stubborn, and difficult to deal with. This conflict began shortly after I started working for him. It’s been going on about a year and a half. We’ll have a talk and I’ll think things are better, then he’ll blindside me by changing his expectations. He has serious trust and issues. He questions my work and it makes me lack trust in him. I don’t like his character. He is insecure and makes snarky comments to me since he feels threatened that his assistant is getting her MBA when he doesn’t have one. If he feels his ego is being compromised in the slightest he will manipulate a situation into In order to handle this situation by implementing a number of the tools I have learned First I need to break the reinforcing loop I currently feel of conflict and emotions. It’s currently in a spiral pattern. In order to break this I need to be aware of my emotions. Being aware is the most important step in being able to begin changing. I need to help Gene move from a power based form of dealing with me to an interests based approach. If I can show him that I am on his team, and I have his best interests at heart, maybe I can start to bring him over to my side. I mentioned I don’t trust him, and I feel he lacks trust in my abilities to perform tasks. It’s not that I cannot perform my job, it’s that I avoid dealing with him. I need to solve this with a two part approach. First, since I know I do have avoidance tendencies, I need to recognize how Gene makes me feel that makes me avoid him. When I feel frustrated, manipulated, threatened or upset because of the way Gene acts, I need to step back and let these feelings slide over me. Then I need to look at my IBOCCR. I see my IBOCCR with Gene as the following:Interests – we have a common interest in finding and maintaining a mutually beneficial work relationship. He needs me to help him out and I need him to treat me like a human being in the process. BATNA – I could ask to be moved to another group, but I have to do that because I see it as giving up. I could change jobs, but I really don’t want to for another year or so until I have learned more in my MBA. Options – I could ask Gene if he’d like to grab coffee to get to know each other on a more personal level. Criteria – Communication – I need to have a talk with Gene about Relationship – Once I am able to start responding to Gene in a more positive way, I can start building trust. I have been trying to instill my trust in him, and hopefully he will start to trust me as he sees my work quality is very strong, and that I am not threatened by him. Letter to SelfWhat I have learned about me is and the way I approach conflict …including current and potential negotiation weaknesses and competenciesThe skills and inner limitations that I will work on in the near future areThe difficulties and opportunities that I expect areThe assumptions about myself, and the way I handle conflict, that I am now ready to dislodge as a result of my personal journey with this conflict are ................
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