Inside Journal



Surviving a Secret Shame

By Barbara Joy Hansen

Barbara Joy Hansen was betrayed twice – first by her grandfather and then by a pastor at a summer camp. Both men sexually abused her. The pain and shame of those encounters left Barbara with a heavy emotional burden that she carried around for 38 years. But finally she brought the pain to God, confronted and forgave those who hurt her, and found renewed healing and purpose in her life. Today Barbara is the author of a memoir, Listen to the Cry of the Child. She is also a speaker and a prison minister.

Sexual abuse is an uncomfortable topic, but it happens all too often – affecting girls, boys, women and men alike. Maybe you know this firsthand.

Sexual abuse – which can include forced sexual contact, inappropriate touching and speech, or exposure to sexual images – runs soul deep. Even if the victim pretends it never happened, the effects remain, like an infection beneath the skin. And the pain will keep spilling out in destructive behaviors. If you have suffered sexual abuse, and you don’t want to remain captive to its effects, it does no good to ignore it. You need to deal with it.

Prison is a tough environment in which to deal with the fallout of sexual abuse, but the principles of healing are the same on the inside as they have been for me on the outside.

The first step is to acknowledge that the abuse happened. Maybe your abuser told you never to tell, or maybe your family didn't believe you. Whatever happened back then, healing starts when you admit the truth about the abuse to a safe person like a chaplain, counselor, or the leader of a recovery group. If you don’t have anyone to tell right now, that's okay. Start by writing down your memories and emotions on a piece of paper. Getting your feelings on paper is better than bottling them up. And wherever you are, you can tell God. He loves you. When you cry out, He hears you. And that's where true healing begins, though the process will take some time.

The Evil Twins: Blame and Shame

As you recall the pain of past sexual abuse, you might have to deal with feelings of confusion, hurt, blame and shame. You might be tempted to drown those feelings with alcohol, drugs, food, anger or sexual addictions. Instead, replace negative thoughts with the truth about who you are.

Let’s take blame and shame as two examples. Blame says, “I did something wrong.” But no matter what your abuser or anyone else might have told you, sexual abuse is never the victim's fault. Regardless of whether the abuse caused pain or felt good to you physically, the abuser crossed a line he or she never should've crossed.

Now let’s consider shame. Shame says, “What happened makes me a bad person.” Because what happened was so painful, you might have hidden it for years. You might have felt like the abuse meant you were a worthless person. That's a natural way for abuse victims to feel, but it's not true! Instead, let's take a look at some of the things God says are true about you: 1) God made you in His image (Genesis 1:27); 2) God loves you so much that He sent His only Son to die for you (John 3:16); 3) God has a plan to give you a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11). When you feel shame rearing its ugly head, hold onto one of these important truths from God’s Word.

If you acknowledge the truth about your past, cry out to God, and hold onto His Word, the pain and anger you feel will eventually lessen. But remember that you cannot rush the process. Be patient and stick with it.

Letting Go of Bitterness

The most important part of my healing journey was forgiving the pastor who violated my trust and confronting him with the truth about his actions. My childhood church denomination and God helped me to do this. As soon as I chose to forgive him, I felt the weight of the shame I had carried so long lifted from my soul.

You might not be in a place – now or ever – where you can confront your abuser face to face. Again, that's okay. You can still ask God to help you work through any hatred or bitterness that has been weighing you down. Forgiving your abuser doesn’t mean their behavior was acceptable, but it does help you become free from the past.

Life after Abuse

Finally, as you confront the sexual abuse in your past, you may realize that some of your own behaviors – like addiction, violence or refusing to trust other people – are things that you learned to do to protect yourself or make yourself feel better. As you heal, it’s important to identify your negative behaviors, decide to put them behind you, and ask God to help you to change on the inside and the outside.

It can feel overwhelming just to start the journey of healing from sexual abuse, but you are not alone. Many others have walked this road before you. Remember: the effects of sexual abuse won't go away on their own, and overcoming the pain of the past if the best way to make sure it doesn't control your future.

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