How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying (Libretto)

[Pages:149] LIBRETTOVOCALBOOK

THEFRANKLOESSERANDABEBURROWSMUSICAL

MusicandLyricsbyFrankLoesser BookbyAbeBurrows,JackWeinstock,&WillieGilbert Basedon"HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying"

ByShepherdMead

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HOWTOSUCCEEDINBUSINESSWITHOUTREALLYTRYING

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CHARACTERS

J.PIERREPONTFINCH

GATCH

JENKINS

TACKABERRY

PETERSON

J.B.BIGGLEY

ROSEMARY

BRATT

SMITTY

BUDFRUMP

MissJONES

Mr.TWIMBLE

HEDY

SCRUBWOMEN

MissKRUMHOLTZ

TOYNBEE

OVINGTON

POLICEMAN

WOMPER

TheentireactiontakesplaceinthenewParkAvenue officebuildingofWorldWideWicketCompany,Inc.

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MUSICALNUMBERS

ACT1

Overture

1

1. Opening?ActOne

1

2. HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying

1

3. HappyToKeepHisDinnerWarm

12

3a. GoodMorning(EntranceSecretaries)

13

4. CoffeeBreak

14

4a. FrumpOnThePhone

21

5. TheCompanyWay

26

6. TheCompanyWay(Reprise)

34

7.

Rosemary'sPhilosophy

38

8.

Hedy

39

9. ASecretaryIsNotAToy

42

9a. TheExecutives'Exit

44

10. BeenALongDay

49

11. BeenALongDay(Reprise)

55

11a. SaturdayMorning

56

12. GrandOldIvy

59

13. GrandOldIvy(Reprise)

63

13a. Vassar

64

14. Hedy'sWalk

68

14a. OnwardAndUpward

69

14b. Girlsville

69

15. ParisOriginal

71

16. TheCompanyWay(aLaDanceBand)

76

16a. TheExecutiveLanding

76

17. ElevatorDance

77

17a. EtherealGrandeur

79

18. Rosemary

81

19. RipTheChipmunk

87

20. FinaleActOne

91

ACT2

21. Entr'acte

93

22. OpeningActTwo

93

23. Cinderella,Darling

95

24. IHaveReturned

101

25. HappyToKeepHisDinnerWarm(Reprise)

105

25a. Knitorama

105

26. LoveFromAHeartOfGold

108

26a. TheLunchDate

111

27. IBelieveInYou

113

27a. IntoBoardRoom

115

28. T.V.Announcement

125

29. TheYoHoHo

126

30. Hedy'sFanfare

126

30a. TheFirstClue

127

30b. Disaster

128

31. IBelieveInYou(Rosemary)

131

32. Doom

133

33. BrotherhoodOfMan

139

34. MoreDoom

143

34a. Hallelujah

146

35. Finale(TheCompanyWay)

146

36. Bows

146

37. ExitMusic

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Overture

(Orchestra)

ACTONESceneI

#1?OpeningAct1 (Orchestra)

(EXTERIOROFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANYAttheendoftheOverturethehouse

curtain goes up. A oneman window washing machine descends with FINCH on it. He is

wearing a window washer's coveralls. He works on a window with a squeegee and at the

swiietimereadsapocketbook,"HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying."We

don'tseeFINCH'sfaceimmediately.WethenhearthevoiceofthebooktellingwhatFINCH

isreading.)

BOOKVOICE

Dear Reader, This little book is designed to tell you everything you need to know about the

scienceofgettingahead.

(FINCHturnsfronttowardtheaudience,andturnspageinthebook.)

Now let us assume you are young, healthy, clear-eyed and eager, anxious to rise quickly and

easilytothetopofthebusinessworld.Youcan!

FINCH

(Lookingup)

Ican!

(Hecontinueslookingatbook.)

BOOKVOICE

If you have education and intelligence and ability, so much the better. But remember that

thousandshavereachedthetopwithoutanyofthesequalities.

(Scaffoldlowerstothefloor.)

Justhavecourageandmemorizethesimplerulesinthechaptersthatfollow.Ifyoutrulywishto

beamongtheluckygoldenfew,youcan!

FINCH

Ican!

(Heputssqueegeedowninpailtohisleft.Hebeginstothumbthroughthebookrapidlyand

startstosing.)

#2?HowToSucceedInBusinessWithoutReallyTrying(Finch)

FINCH

HOWTOAPPLYFORAJOB...

(Stepsoffscaffold.)

HOWTOADVANCEFROMTHEMAILROOM...

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(FINCH)

(Sitsonscaffoldrail.)

HOWTOSITDOWNATADESK... HOWTODICTATEMEMORANDUMS... (Rises,crossesD.L.ofC.) HOWTODEVELOPEXECUTIVESTYLE... HOWTOCOMMUTEINATHREEBUTTONSUIT... WITHTHATWEARYEXECUTIVESMILE. (CrossesL.) THISBOOKISALLTHATINEED... "HOWTO,HOWTOSUCCEED." (Exteriorbuildingdropout,revealingvariousOFFICEPERSONNELinatableaushowing officeactivity.) Scene2 (CORRIDOROFTHEWORLDWIDEWICKETCOMPANY.FINCHnowstandsamongPEOPLE, crossestocenterandcontinuessinging.)

FINCH

HOWTOOBSERVEPERSONNEL. HOWTOSELECTWHOMTOLUNCHWITH. HOWTOAVOIDPETTYFRIENDS... HOWTOBEGINMAKINGCONTACTS. HOWTO... (FINCHcontinuestolookatbook.)

BOOKVOICE

Howtochoosetherightcompany.Beforeapplyingforajob,makesureyouhavechosentheright company.Itisessentialthatthecompanybeabigone.Itshouldbeatleastbigenoughsothat nobodyknowsexactlywhatanyoneelseisdoing.

(FINCHthencrosses(U.R.aboveJENKINS,listeningtotheirconversation.Aftereachof thefollowingconversations,thevariousOFFICEPERSONNELresumethefrozenposes.)

GATCH (U.R.) Say,Joe,I'vegotacomplaintfromourdealersinCleveland...aboutthatlastshipmentofwickets. Theyonlygothalftheirwickets.Theyorderedthreehundredthousand.

JENKINS

(L.ofGatch) Iknow,Mr.Catch,buttheywantedtwo-tonedwicketsandweranout.

(PINCHcrossesL.toJohnson.)

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JOHNSON Ranout?Whatisthis,ahotdogstand?

CATCH Look,thisistheWorldWideWicketCompany.We'resupposedtobethelargestsingleproducer ofwicketsintheworld.

JENKINS

Nowtakeiteasy,Mr.Catch.Therewastroubleatoureasternplant...abreakdown.

CATCH Wellgetontheball.IwanttokeepClevelandwicket-minded.

JENKINS Yes,sir.

(CrossesL.toMatthews.FINCHcrossesDR.ofC.) Oh,Mr.Matthews,anynewsaboutthebreakdown?

MATTHEWS (C.) Oh,I'mfeeling,muchbetter.

PETERSON (L.ofC.) Oh,say,Tackaberry,didyougetmymemo? (FINCHcrossesR.ofPETERSON.)

TACKABERRY (ETERSON) Whatmemo?

PETERSON Mymemoaboutmemos.We'resendingouttoomanymemosandit'sgottostop.

TACKABERRY AllrightI'llsendoutamemo.

(ALLstillremainfrozen.) FINCH

(CrossesL.) Therightcompany!

(FINCHputsbookinwiremailbasketheldbyOFFICEBOYfarleft,removesbreakaway coveralls,tossesthemoffstageleft,picksupbook,beginstosing.) THISBOOKISALLTHATINEED "HOWTO,HOWTOSUCCEED."

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(FINCHcrossesR.ROSEMARYentersL.,carryingfolderofpapers.OFFICEPERSONNEL

breakfreezeandexit.J.B.BIGGLEYentersR.,surroundedbyFOURHENCHMEN.FINCH

crossesR.,bumpsintoBIGGLEY,knockshimdown.HENCHMENhelphimup,sayingthings

like"Areyouokay,Mr.BIGGLEY?"etc.)

BIGGLEY

Nevermind,nevermind.

(Aroar.)

Backtowork,everybody!

(THEYallscuttleoffstage.ROSEMARYgoesalittlemoreslowlyandlingersattheleftside,

listening.)

BIGGLEY

(ToFINCH)

Youheardme!Isaidbacktowork!

FINCH

(L.ofBIGGLEY)

I'msorryIbumpedintoyou,sir,butIwouldliketoapplyforajob.

BIGGLEY

Ajob?DoyouknowwhoIam?

FINCH

No,sir.

BIGGLEY

(Goingrighton)

I'mJ.B.Biggley.I'mpresidentofthiscompany,that'swhoIam.Infact,that'swho

thehellIam.Howdareyoucometomeforajob?

FINCH

I'msorry,sir,butI

BIGGLEY

WhydoyouthinkIhaveapersonnelman?WhydoyouthinkIhaveawhole

damnedpersonneldepartment?Son,youbumpedintothewrongman.

(StartsOffR.)

Damndamncoal-burningditheringdingdingding.

(HeexitsR.)

ROSEMARY

(CrossingR.)

I'msorry.Iknowhowharditistofindajob.I'vebeenthroughthatkindofthingmyself.

FINCH

Thankyou,Miss.You'reverykind.Couldyoutellmewherethepersonnelofficeis?

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ROSEMARY (Amazed) Personnel? (ShepointsU.R) It'srightthere.

FINCH Thankyou.

(Hestartsforpersonnel,crossingL.belowRosemary.)

ROSEMARY

(CrossingL.toC.,stoppinghim) You-you'renotdiscouraged?

FINCH (CrossesL.) Ofcoursenot.I'mpreparedforexactlythissortofthing.

ROSEMARY (CrossesL.) Say!MyfriendSmittyworksinPersonnel.Maybeshecanhelpyou. (StartsoffR.) Youwaithere. (SheexitsR.)

FINCH (Callingafterher) But,Miss,it'snotreally (HeshrugsandstartsforthePersonneldoorU.L.BRATTcomesoutofdoor.)

BRATT

(L.ofFINCH,stoppinghim) Wheredoyouthinkyou'regoing?

FINCH Toseethepersonnelmanager,sir.

BRATT I'mthepersonnelmanagerandwe'renothiringanyonetoday.

(CrossesR.belowFINCH.)

FINCH Well,IwasjustspeakingtoMr.Biggley

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