Setting Your Own Goals - Couples Center of the Pioneer ...
Setting Your Own Goals
You cannot move forward in couples therapy without knowing what you are working on, both individually and together. Because I am asking you to work on change whether or not you think your partner is doing that, please answer the following questions about yourself.
1. What type of relationship do you want to create?
Be very specific about the change you want to see in what area. You might say you want to create a more demonstrative and more intimate relationship, if that is your desire, or your focus may be a relationship with a lot of team work, or perhaps you might want a relationship where you both can have time to do separate things and not feel guilty. Think about this and be specific.
2. How do you want to be as a partner?
Think through this in your answer: Are you being the partner you aspire to be now? If not what will it take to close the gap between how you are and how you want to be? Do not make this dependent on your partner, i.e. “If she/he would only be kinder then it would be easy to be loving” That is a cop-out. This is asking for a self-assessment, a self-confrontation. How do you in fact want to be?
3. What do you want to learn about yourself or about the relationship as you do this difficult work?
4. What do you want to stop doing? Be very specific and detailed.
5. What do you want to start doing instead? Be very specific and detailed.
Go home and fill out those five questions and bring it back in; I ask you not to share it with each other until you come back in. Then you can
read your responses to each other and when you read the
responses to each other you then can work at refining what makes sense as
a goal. And then you can use that for both of you to compare yourselves to it or to assess your progress as you go through the next few weeks.
Adapted from Peter Pearson, copyright the Couples Institute. Used with Permission
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