Resources by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Resources by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Boundaries Boundaries Workbook

Boundaries audio Boundaries video curriculum

Boundaries in Dating Boundaries in Dating Workbook

Boundaries in Dating audio Boundaries in Dating curriculum

Boundaries in Marriage Boundaries in Marriage Workbook

Boundaries in Marriage audio Boundaries in Marriage curriculum

Boundaries with Kids Boundaries with Kids Workbook

Boundaries with Kids audio Boundaries with Kids curriculum How to Have That Difficult Conversation

How People Grow How People Grow Workbook

How People Grow audio Making Small Groups Work Making Small Groups Work audio

Our Mothers, Ourselves Raising Great Kids

Raising Great Kids for Parents of Preschoolers curriculum

Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Preschoolers

Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of School-Age Children

Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Teenagers

Raising Great Kids Audio Pages? Safe People

Safe People Workbook 12 "Christian" Beliefs That Can

Drive You Crazy

Resources by Dr. John Townsend

Hiding from Love Boundaries with Teens The Entitlement Cure

Beyond Boundaries

Resources by Dr. Henry Cloud

Changes That Heal Changes That Heal Workbook

Changes That Heal audio

ZONDERVAN

Boundaries Workbook Copyright ? 1995, 2018 by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Requests for information should be addressed to: Zondervan, 3900 Sparks Dr. SE, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49546

ISBN 978-0-310-35277-8 (softcover)

ISBN 978-0-310-35290-7 (ebook)

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version?, NIV?. Copyright ? 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.? Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. . The "NIV" and "New International Version" are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.?

Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible?. Copyright ? 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. ().

Any Internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers in this book are offered as a resource. They are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement by Zondervan, nor does Zondervan vouch for the content of these sites and numbers for the life of this book.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means--electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other--except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Published in association with Yates & Yates, .

Art direction: Curt Diepenhorst Interior design: Denise Froehlich

First printing December 2017 / Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Introduction. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7

Part One What Are Boundaries?

1. What Does a Boundary Look Like?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 2. Understanding Boundaries. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31 3. Ten Laws of Boundaries. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51 4. Common Boundary Myths. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71

Part Two Boundary Conflicts

5. Boundaries and Your Family . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91 6. Boundaries and Your Friends. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107 7. Boundaries and Your Spouse. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119 8. Boundaries and Your Children. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135 9. Boundaries and Work. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 155 10. Boundaries and the Digital Age. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 167 11. Boundaries and Yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 183 12. Boundaries and God . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 195

Part Three Developing Healthy Boundaries

13. Resistance to Boundaries. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 207 14. Success with Boundaries. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 223

Introduction

One of the most serious problems facing Christians today is confusion about boundaries. Many sincere, dedicated believers struggle with tremendous confusion about when it is biblically appropriate to set limits. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they raise good questions:

Can I set limits and still be a loving person? What are legitimate boundaries? What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? How do boundaries relate to submission? Aren't boundaries selfish? Why is it difficult for me to hear no from other people? Why do I tend to want to control other people when I don't get what I want?

Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what is not. The inability to set appropriate boundaries at appropriate times with the appropriate people can be very destructive.

Misinformation about what the Bible says about boundaries can also be destructive. To counter such wrong thinking, this study guide and the accompanying text present a biblical view of boundaries: what they are, what they protect, how they are developed, how they are injured, how to repair them, and how to use them. As you read the book and work through this guide, you will find answers to the questions listed above--and more. In fact, our goal is to help you use biblical boundaries appropriately to achieve the relationships and purposes that God intends for you as you grow in him.

Dr. Henry Cloud Dr. John Townsend Newport Beach, California

Part One

What Are Boundaries?

9

Chapter 1

What Does a Boundary Look Like?

Give Me Something to Hope For

It's sometimes easier to see in other people the very thing we would do well to change in ourselves. Look again at Sherrie's day. Read through the entries from 6:00 a.m. to 11:50 p.m. and see how closely your life resembles her boundaryless day (pp. 15?26).1 ? Where do you see yourself in Sherrie's actions and thoughts? Be as specific as possible.

? Who in your life could be cast in the role of Sherrie's mother (p. 16); her husband, Walt (pp. 17, 22?25); her "friend," Lois (p. 18); her demanding boss, Jeff (p. 19); the encouraging teacher, Mrs. Russell (pp. 19?20); her unreachable daughter, Amy (p. 21); and the ministry leader, Phyllis, with yet another request (p. 22)? Who treats you the way these people treated Sherrie? Whose words and actions elicit the same kind of response (emotional and otherwise) from you that these people elicited from Sherrie?

1 All page numbers in this workbook refer to the page numbers of the 2017 edition of Boundaries. When no page references are given for italicized text, it usually means that these sections are additional thoughts of the author on that particular topic.

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What Are Boundaries? ? How did you respond to the way Sherrie used Scripture as she made decisions that violated

her--at best--shaky boundaries?

? If Sherrie came to you for advice, what would you say to her? How would you diagnose her problem? Which of your own words of advice would you do well to heed?

We can probably all identify with Sherrie's dilemma--her isolation, her helplessness, her confusion, her guilt. And, above all, her sense that her life is out of control. Trying harder isn't working for her. Being nice out of fear isn't working for her. Taking responsibility for others isn't working for her. Sherrie still suffers severely from her inability to take ownership of her life. She has great difficulty knowing what things are her responsibility and what things are not. In her desire to do the right thing or to avoid conflict, she ends up taking on problems that God never intended her to take on (pp. 26?27). ? Look at your life through this lens. What problems have you taken on that God may

never have intended you to take on?

? What motivated you to take on those problems you just listed--your desire to do the right thing, your efforts to avoid conflict, your fear of disappointing someone or not being liked, a sense of guilt, an inner "should," or something else?

Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries (p. 27).

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