WRI103: Jazz, Improvisation and Culture



WRI103: Jazz, Improvisation and Culture

Professor Audrey B. Wright

Essay #4 Revision

Dear Kyle,

This is your best essay so far! You have a strong claim, and some excellent moments of analysis! Let’s look at how it might have been made even better:

Argument (main “take”): Your claim, that it was the union of traditional values and the fiery new-school approach of Bruner that made the show so sensational, was strong and you generally adhered to it throughout.

Structure/Analysis/Evidence: Right after your introduction would have been the time to focus on Garrett’s entrenchment in what you refer to as “traditional jazz values,” perhaps dividing that one long paragraph into two as you begin to focus on Bruner. Your claim could have more obviously driven the observations in this section—you accomplished this effectively in your discussion of the Japanese/Korean folk song duo.

Style: This was your best stylistic effort so far—in general your language was less stilted and much smoother than in previous essays.

Grade: B+

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