Personal Idioms



The Sage Encyclopedia of Human Relationships

Personal Idioms

by

Sandra Metts, Illinois State University

Sylvia Mikucki, University of Illinois

“Raining cats and dogs.” “Green with envy.” “Easy as pie.” What these odd expressions share in common is the classification as cultural idioms. They are colloquial expressions that use the English language in creative ways to capture an attitude, image, or a feeling. A person who came to America from another country would have to study the sky during a rainstorm for quite awhile to find cats or dogs. In much the same way, friends, lovers, families, and close-knit social networks have idioms that are unique to their interactions. Outsiders would not understand that terms such as “Boo” might refer to a young man’s girlfriend or that “jelly beans” is a shorthand way to say, “You’re talking too much.” But, in fact, this is exactly the point of personal idioms. They allow persons in close relationships to communicate with a private language that simultaneously unites them while excluding outsiders. The purpose of this entry is to more fully define personal idioms, describe the categories into which they fall, and explain in more detail how they function within relationships.

Defining and Categorizing Personal Idioms

Personal idioms are symbols or codes within the language of close relationships that have special meaning known only to those members. As people share a history, interact in a variety of situations, and come to know each other well, certain terms, phrases, or nonverbal gestures emerge within their conversations. Sometimes these expressions are adaptations of some famous line or scene in a movie, or a childhood nickname, or are simply the lingering phrase from goofy conversation, misspoken words, or word play. For whatever reason, these expressions are noticed and a meaning is assigned to them. From that point on, they become a shorthand way of communicating the meaning beyond the initial context.

One goal of researchers has been to identify the types of personal idioms that characterize close relationships. Perhaps the most widely accepted typology is that proposed by Robert Hopper, Mark Knapp, and Lorel Scott. These researchers collected 545 examples of personal idioms which they sorted into eight categories: (1) Expressions of Affection show love, caring, and appreciation (e.g., saying Hunch Nickle or pulling an earlobe to say I love you); (2) Partner Nicknames are terms of address for a close other (e.g., Boo, Tooty, Monkey); (3) Names for Others are labels for people outside of the relationship (e.g., Lady of the Lakes for a neighbor who flooded the streets when watering her lawn or Queen Kong for a strict high school teacher); (4) Requests and Routines are ways to communicate something in the presence of others without their knowledge (e.g., saying “the dog is calling” as a hint that it is time to leave a party); (5) Teasing Insults are humorous ways to tell someone that certain behaviors are bothersome without being directly critical (e.g., asking “Are you protesting?” when a partner forgets to lower the toilet seat lid); (6) Confrontations are also focused on bothersome behaviors, but without the element of teasing (e.g., a man says “Vickers!” to his wife Vickie when she becomes argumentative stemming from the name of a British machinegun manufacturer); (7) Sexual Invitations are ways of indirectly initiating sexual interactions (e.g., a wife puts on a particular nightgown or a husband says “George is calling”); (8) Sexual References and Euphemisms are terms for sexual intercourse (e.g., ride the merry-go-round) and “pet names” for sexual organs (e.g., Oscar or George for the penis, and Jennifer for the vagina and Sweet Pea for the clitoris). Some couples also have idioms for a woman’s menstrual cycle (e.g., Aunt Bee is in town).

Functions

As indicated above, each type of personal idiom serves a specific communicative function such as expressing affection, criticizing with humor, and negotiating the sometimes embarrassing aspects of sexual intercourse. In addition, however, the very presence of personal idioms within a relationship functions to help close relationships achieve three broader goals.

First, they allow relational members to create a culture of shared meaning which sets them apart from the larger culture. In doing so, personal idioms constitute part of the relational identity. In this way, they function to create and manifest intimacy.

Second, they allow relational members to avoid conflict over small problems through their teasing expressions and to reaffirm the relationship following conflict. Nicknames and Terms of Affection, for example, remind partners that they value each other and share something special. Using these terms after a conflict reinstates the feelings of specialness and intimacy.

Third, they help partners negotiate potentially awkward situations. For example, Requests and Routines enable relationship members to signal needs and desires within larger groups without offending others and Sexual References and Euphemisms allow romantic partners to negotiate the sometimes embarrassing circumstances of sexual activity. In this regard, the use of personal idioms allows partners to avoid or manage threats to each other’s face.

Summary

Although we smile when we hear examples of personal idioms like Boo and jelly beans, research indicates that couples who have personal idioms are more satisfied than those who do not. However, research has also indicates that the line between Teasing Insult and Confrontation is also thin and ambiguous. While these types of personal idioms allow relational partners to avoid serious conflict, they also have the potential to be used as passive aggressive conflict strategies. Research also indicates that although personal idioms emerge most actively during early stages of relationships, they are also present in long-term marriages. Indeed, marital therapists have begun exploring a technique of asking couples to create personal idioms, especially Sexual References and Euphemisms as part of the counseling process. Finally, although we typically associate personal idioms with romantic relationships and friendships, they are also very common in families, especially among siblings.

Future Research

Although the study of personal idioms has been a mainstay in interpersonal relationship research, new technologies like text messaging, instant messaging, and social network websites (e.g., Facebook and My Space) have changed the complexion of communication, including personal idiom use. New media terms serve as a source for personal idioms much as famous movie lines do. In addition, the constraints of media channels such as text messaging encourage abbreviated expression which leads to the creation of personal idioms. At present we know little about this context for the creation and use of personal idioms.

In addition, research should examine idiom use in problematic contexts such as the serious or terminal illness of a partner, friend, or family member. Just as euphemisms help attenuate the awkwardness of communication about sexual activity, personal idioms may help buffer the uncertainty, awkwardness, and emotional pain that is salient to these experiences. Developing a Nickname for a newly bald partner may help calm fears and insecurity from losing hair due to chemotherapy treatment and may enhance a sense of togetherness and affection during such a difficult time. Understanding the use of personal idioms in this context may help therapists, health care professionals, and families find useful ways to communicate about difficult topics.

Further Readings

Bell, R. A., & Healey, J. G. (1992). Idiomatic communication and interpersonal solidarity in

friends’ relational cultures. Human Communication Research, 18, 307-335.

Bell, R. A., Buerkel-Rothfuss, N. L., & Gore, K. E. (1987). Did you bring the yarmulke for the

cabbage patch kid” The idiomatic communication of young lovers. Human Communication Research, 14, 47-67.

Bombar, M. L., & Littig, L. W. (1996). Babytalk as a communication of intimate attachment: An

initial study of adult romances and friendships. Personal Relationships, 3, 137-158.

Bruess, C. J. S., & Pearson, J. C. (1992). ‘Sweet pea’ and ‘Pussy Cat’: An examination of idiom

use and marital satisfaction over the life cycle. Journal of Social and Personal

Relationships, 10, 609-615.

Hopper, R., Knapp, M. L., & Scott, L. (1983). Couples’ personal idioms: Exploring intimate talk.

Journal of Communication, 31, 23-33.

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