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Anna Marcell Rivera BejaranoPROSOCIAL RELATIONSPSY 10000Section 235/5/14PROSOCIAL RELATIONS“So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... every day.” ?(The Notebook Quotes. (2010, April 7)). This quote is from my favorite book, The Notebook, by Nicholas Sparks and it describes perfectly how I feel about relationships or Interpersonal attractions, as you would say from a psychological point of view.According to the Oxford Dictionary, a relationship is “the way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave towards each other, an emotional and sexual association between two people”( Definition of relationship in English:. (n.d.)). I believe there is nothing more complicated in this world than establishing a relationship with another person, because you can see it every day in friends, family, T.V. shows, people fighting, breaking up and even divorcing but nevertheless no matter how complicated it is, it’s part of our human nature to want to love and be love by somebody. Love is everywhere; we see it in movies, songs, series, books and other types of media. We even have a special day to celebrate it, the fourteen of February, Valentine’s Day. With this thought in mind I started wondering what makes a person love/like another one. What is the secret behind love? To answer the previous question I will analyze it first and foremost from a psychological perspective. Psychology states there are “some rules for those who people like and find attractive”( Ciccarelli, S. K., & White, J. N. (2012)). According to Ciccarelli, S. K., and White, J. N., “liking or having the desire for a relationship with someone else is called interpersonal attraction” (p.474).I will start explaining what the “Rules” of attraction are. There are several factors that are required for two or more people to be attracted to each other; this includes both physical beauty and being physically close to one another (proximity) and also elements of personality (Ciccarelli, S. K., & White, J. N. (2012)).First, physical attractiveness: When people in general think about what attracts them to others, the first factor that comes to their mind is how physically attractive they find the other person to be (Ciccarelli, S. K., & White, J. N. (2012)). According to a research done by Eagle et Al., Feingold and White, physical beauty is one of the principal factors that individuals consider when it comes to choosing people they want to get to know better, than in some cases later in the relationship the factor of personality becomes relevant (Eagle et al.,1991;Feingold,1992;White,1980) qt. in (Ciccarelli, S. K., & White, J. N. (2012)).According to a lecture done by my psychology professor, Dr.Nadler, on the perspectives on attraction, he states that humans are attracted to other people because this relationship directly or indirectly benefits or rewards them (Nadler, D. R. (2014, April 9)). From an evolutionary perspective “all humans exhibit patterns of attraction and mate selection that favor the conception, birth, and survival of their offspring” (Nadler, D. R. (2014, April 9)), this means people in the past would look for other mates that would have stronger bodies, certain genes, with the least amount of hereditary diseases, to make sure that their children would be healthy and survive until they reach adulthood.There are two basic factors that influence being attracted to another person, and this are: Proximity and Exposure. Which brings me to my next point, the second rule of attraction refers to “proximity” or physically near people are to one another, because people that work together, study together in the same building or even live together in the same together are more prone to establish a relationship (Ciccarelli, S. K., & White, J. N. (2012)). Dr.Nadler refers to this effect on his lecture as “The Proximity Effect”, which states that the best element for attraction is the physical nearness or proximity, where we live, where we go to college or work influences the friends we have, the relationships we make (Nadler, D. R. (2014, April 9)).The mere exposure effect is another factor that influences attraction between people to occur, the more often we are exposed to stimuli (in this case people), the more we come to like it (Nadler, D. R. (2014, April 9)).This explains why the more time you spend with someone the more you tend to like that person. The phrase “it grew on me” explains this effect perfectly, because when people are physically close to each other, this repeated exposure makes higher the possibilities of attraction between them (Ciccarelli, S. K., & White, J. N. (2012)).Apart from spending time together, there has to be something on which people can relate to each other, have some common ground on. People tend to like being around others that are in some way similar to them (Ciccarelli, S. K., & White, J. N. (2012)). “The more people find they have in common with others-such as attitudes, beliefs, and interests-the more they tend to be attracted to those others (Hartfield & Rapson, 1992; Moreland &Zajonc,1982; Neimeyer &Mitchell,1998) qt. in (Ciccarelli, S. K., & White, J. N. (2012)). Being similar to each other in a relationship has its benefits because it helps you consolidate your personal values and believes, since both hold the same attitudes, beliefs and even do the same actions (Ciccarelli, S. K., & White, J. N. (2012)).“Some people find that forming a relationship with another person who has complementary qualities (characteristics in the one person that fill a need in the other) can be rewarding” (Carson,1969; Schmitt,2002) qt. in (Ciccarelli, S. K., & White, J. N. (2012)). This is where the saying that “opposites attract” comes true. Even though research doesn’t support this perspective because according to research it is being similar and not complementing each other, what helps people stay together (Berscheid & Reis,1998;Mcpherson et al.,2001) qt. in (Ciccarelli, S. K., & White, J. N. (2012)).The last rule of attraction is the “Reciprocity of Liking”, which means people are usually prone to like people who like them. There was a research in which college students were paired with other students (Curtis & Miller,1986), the students didn’t know each other, and one of them receive information about the other. Some of these students were even made believe that their pair liked them or dislike them in other cases. Then when the pairs of students met and talk to each other research shows they were friendlier, agreed more, and were willing to share more information about themselves if they had been told that the other person liked them. Furthermore, the other students like these students better as well, therefore we can conclude that liking produces liking (Curtis & Miller,1986).The first thing that comes to my mind when someone asks me, Do you like this person? Is their physical aspect, not that I want to sound superficial, but it is the first thing that most people look for in their future significant others, it all depends on what each person finds as “attractive”, if he is tall, has black or brown hair, the color of his eyes, white teeth, does he have a tan, strong body this is what I find attractive in a guy, and after this first impression to have an actual, long-term relationship, he has to have a good personality which for me implies being honest, funny, easy going, trustworthy and romantic. I have friends that would like to have children with a certain color of eyes, and therefore look to date people with those specific genes, which support the evolutionary perspective as a theory for attraction between people.An example of the proximity effect is that the majority of college students tend to date those others that live in the same type of housing or nearby ((Nadler, D. R. (2014, April 9)), this is why in my personal opinion long distance relationships don’t work. According to Statistic Brain, the total percentage of U.S. marriages that are considered to be long distance relationships is 2.9%, the average amount of time for long distance relationship to end if it`s not going to work is of 4.5 months, and the total percentage of long distance relationships that fail when changes aren`t planned is of 70% (Long Distance Relationship Statistics. (2014, April 28)). In my personal opinion, for a relationship to last a long time and be successful, people have to work on it every day, and it`s harder to do it when they aren’t physically near each other. When I came to the U.S. to study, my boyfriend at the time was going to study in Brazil. We tried to make it work for two months, but soon we realize the difference in time zones, our work and class schedule made it really hard for us to spend time with each other, even if it was just a call or skype. It is easier from my perspective to date some that you go to college with, work or live nearby because they have similar schedules and the more time you spend with them, they “grown on you”.I guess it`s true what they say “there`s no better boyfriends/girlfriend then your best friend”. Best friends are people you can relate to in some way, you either have same beliefs, same interest, same attitudes etc.. You not only see it in relationships like the cliché cheerleader and the football player, but you see the bonds teammates can make. In my university, you can see the rugby players always together, the hockey team eating together, the swimming team training together at night. You also see how the majority of international students hang out with the people from their own country, and the Americans only hanging out with Americans. This happens because people rather spend time with others whom they have things in common with, whether it is language, history, interest in sports, in music, or even having similar experiences, like being in a foreign country were food, weather and drinking laws differ to their own.Similarities are not the only things that bring people together. Opposites also attract and that exactly was the case in the story The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks, “They didn’t agree on much. In fact, they didn’t agree on anything. They fought all the time and challenged each other every day. But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other.”?(The Notebook Quotes. (2010, April 7)). This in my opinion should be the main rule of attraction, because in a friendship you look for someone you can relate to, share same interests, beliefs and attitudes like going to the Cardinals game for example, but when it comes to a significant other I personally find it boring to be completely similar. I believe there has to be some common ground to relate first, but then it is a better recipe to success in a relationship to be different, to have to learn from each other and complement what the other doesn`t have. It will never get boring, because every day there is something different to learn about each other. As Nicholas Sparks said, “The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.”?(The Notebook Quotes. (2010, April 7)).Finally, the rule of attraction “reciprocity of liking”, reflects human nature at its best. People want to love and feel love. They want to belong to someone and feel like someone cares about them. If someone likes us, we will automatically feel our self-esteem increase and therefore will act friendly to them, nevertheless if we know someone doesn`t like us, we will be rude or mean to them because they make us feel unwanted or hated and nobody wants to feel that way. I have seen it many times in my friends if they know someone likes them, than they are friendlier and nicer to those people. Even if they had never thought of them in another, more romantic, way once they know that someone likes them they are more inclined to start having feelings for them.In conclusion, there are five rules of attraction, first, physical attractiveness when someone finds another one physically attractive, that they have a personality they like, that they are good prospects to have babies in the future that will survive to adulthood. Second, the proximity of a person to you, if they work, go to college or live close to you will make more suitable for an attraction to occur. Then we have the attraction that occurs when people have similar interests, beliefs, hobbies, attitudes and can bond with each other because of them. Others may find that being opposite and having nothing in common can be a great way to make a life together and here`s were the rule of opposites attract comes into place. Finally, the last rule of attraction is that if a person likes you or hates you, you will immediately have the same feelings towards that person, reciprocity of liking.ReferencesCiccarelli, S. K., & White, J. N. (2012).Psychology (3rd ed., pp. [474-475]). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall.Nadler, D. R. (2014, April 9). Principles of Psychology 10000, Chapter 12. Lecture presented at Lindenwood University, St. Charles MO.Definition of relationship in English:. (n.d.).?relationship: definition of relationship in Oxford dictionary (British & World English). Retrieved May 5, 2014, from Distance Relationship Statistics. (2014, April 28).?Statistic Brain RSS. Retrieved May 5, 2014, from Notebook Quotes. (2010, April 7).?by Nicholas Sparks. Retrieved May 5, 2014, from ................
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