Solutions Training Institute



Lessons from the New Brain Science:

Implications for Love, Sex and Relationships

Pat Love, Ed.D.



Information

As therapy, e.g.

Because we are not

reptiles

Why relationships?

We are mammals

Relationship is necessary

To survive

as an infant

Relationship is necessary

To thrive as an adult

Why relationship therapy doesn’t work

What happens

When relationship therapy works?

Research direction

Growing apart

Resentment

Withdrawal of interest

Basic needs

Experience me

Understand me

Respond appropriately to me

A simple therapy model

Contract

Causality

Congruences

Example:

Contract—”How can I help?”

Causality—

How does the client make it hard for the partner to give…?

When the partner gives…does he/she notice? Respond appropriately?

Congruence—Attunement

Contract—”How can I help?”

“I want my partner to be more loving.”

Causality

How does he/she make it difficult for partner to be more loving?

Watch for response to loving gestures

Congruence

Take loving gesture reciprocity beyond words

The Relationship between

Experience

Perception

You are born with billions of brain receptors

(not drawn to scale)

With few neural circuits

The brain comes with some assembly required.

Experience forms neural pathways

Human stimulation

Stimulation via the senses

Forms perceptual groups and associations

Neurons that fire together

Wire together

Forming a neural circuit

The more neural pathways are traveled…

The more they are etched in your brain.

Neural circuits constitute memory

and association

Touch Calm

Our neural circuits and associations

Formulate our view of the world

Touch is calming

When you make an association

A repeatedly activated state

Even subtle alterations

Of voice and/or facial expressions

Can set off a limbic alarm.

Other’s emotions regulate your internal state

And you respond accordingly.

Stimuli resembling former trauma

Fear conditioning

When you make an association

It decreases the probability you will make a different association.

“Life is stressful…”

“But I’m laid back, NOT!”

Associations form perceptions

“Men are unavailable.”

“You can never please a woman.”

Neurons ignore

Unfamiliar stimuli

We are drawn to the familiar

Regardless of merit.

Others can see what you cannot.

“ I love you.”

“I can’t see it.”

Two Types of Memory

Explicit

Implicit

Implicit memories

Are quickly activated in intense emotional relationships.

And are not subject to self-reflection.

You can’t always trust

Your feelings!

You can’t always trust

Your mind.

Recalling any memory

Changes the recall.

Neuroscience and technique

Indicated

Contraindicated

A simple therapy model

Contract

Causality

Congruences

One crass definition

Successful therapy occurs when the person who pays the bill is happy

Neurochemistry

Neurotransmitters

Hormones

Affect:

Perception

Behavior

Neurotransmitters

Influence the meaning of the neural message.

The release of stress hormones

Leads to excessive death of neurons in the crucial pathways responsible for emotional regulation.

Individuals

Are unique

Diversity strengthens

Our species

Our culture

Difference

Makes life interesting

Men and Women

Are different

1% different

99% the same genetic coding

When you are aware of your innate impulses

You can choose how to act—and improve your connection and communication.

When you are aware of your partner’s vulnerability

You can improve your connection and communication

The key is connection

When people are connected—they communicate effectively

Until 8th week

Fetal brain is female

8th week huge testosterone surge

kills off cells in the communication center

Grows more cells in sex and aggression center

Male physiology

Differs from female physiology

Males have

Added muscle mass

More blood vessels to muscles

Inclined toward hyper-arousal

Larger brain center for anger and aggression

2.5 times brain space devoted to sex drive

Men have

11% fewer neurons in the language and hearing centers

Connecting through talking is not as rewarding for males

Testosterone

Has been shown to decrease talking

Decrease interest in socializing

Except for sports

Sexual pursuit

Men think, men feel

They don’t do both at the same time

It takes more time and effort for men to discern a specific emotion

40% of the time

Men pick up subtle signs of sadness in a face

Women pick up 90%

On the contrary…

Threat to the relationship or physical danger detected by men immediately

Men can also read angry emotions quickly

Men have a muscular (hyperarousal) response to anger and/or threat

Another’s tears…

Can evoke brain pain in men

Male brain registers helplessness in the face of pain

Helplessness evokes inadequacy

Impulse to “stop and hide”

Sex can do for a man…

What intimate talking does for a woman.

Louann Brizendine, M.D.

“Men come in two different categories: hot sex vs. safety, comfort and child rearing. Women are constantly longing for both wrapped in the same package.”

Men have an instinct to

Provide

Protect

Providing and protecting

Are survival strategies

Males hone their survival skills by

Competing

Ordering

Directing

Confronting

Doing

Bragging

Threatening

Even boys’ play is about

Competing

Social rank

Power

Defense of territory

Physical strength

Stamina

When a man cannot provide and protect

He feels inadequate

Shame

“What do you mean I don’t love you…

Clinical strategies will fail

If you assume men and women are exactly alike

Two men

Two women

Man and a woman

Relationships will fail

If you do not honor gender differences

The impact of gender on relationships

Women have an instinct

To tend and befriend

The female brain

Outstanding verbal agility

Ability to connect deeply in friendships

Heightened capacity to read faces, emotions

Ability to diffuse conflict

Females and conflict

Creates feelings of

Stress

Upset

Fear

Ways females manage conflict

Placate

Repress needs

Avoid

Please

Freeze

Dissociate

Medicate

Procrastinate

Lie

Passive/aggressive methods

Females and aggression

Linked to cognitive, emotional and verbal functions

Use relationships as threat and punishment

Use aggression to validate needs (i.e. you have to get angry to tell the truth or express your needs)

Females who make more estrogen and progesterone

More resistant to stress because they have more serotonin

Connecting via talking

Activates pleasure centers in the female brain

Sharing relationship information gives a dopamine and oxytocin rush

Female oxytocin rush from

Gazing

Positive emotional interaction

Kissing

Orgasm

When oxytocin and dopamine are high

Loving circuits are activated

Caution and aversion circuits are shut off

The hippocampus

Hub of emotion and memory formation

Larger in female brain

Prefrontal cortex

Larger in women

Controls anger, fear and aggression

(caution with anger is survival skill with more powerful male)

Women can

Hear a broader range of voice tone variation

Hormone surges

Make female brain more sensitive to emotional nuance

Women are designed to connect

When they cannot connect they feel fear

Alone…

On the edge of their stress

On the edge of their depression

On the edge of their anger

Alone, period.

Alone on the edge of addiction

Alone on the edge of insensitivity

When a woman feels fear

She wants to move closer

When a man feels shame

He wants to move away

Question for men:

Does this make me feel valued and esteemed

Or look weak, lose status or feel like a failure?

Question for women:

Will this make me feel valued, safe and connected

Or afraid or isolated?

Only compassion

For the others’ vulnerabilities improve the relationship and form lasting connection

Improving relationships

Neurological fact:

It’s easier to add positives than eliminate negatives!

Humans survived through cooperation of the sexes

Cooperation requires

Respect for differences

Respect for roles

Role failure produces anxiety

Protection and connection are survival mechanisms

When a man cannot protect

He feels like a failure

Sense of failure

Evokes shame response

Shame response

Is physiologically

psychologically

Anger, which numbs

Is effective in alleviating shame

Emotional and psychological withdrawal

Avoid shame pain

When a woman cannot connect

She feels

Anxious,

afraid

Isolation, distance

Evoke fear response in women

Fear response

Is physiologically

psychologically

Contact lowers fear

Alleviates fear pain

Touching and giving

Trigger the release of dopamine and oxytocin in women

Sexual coupling releases

Large amounts of oxytocin

In both males and females

Oxytocin causes relaxation

Bonding

Needs constant reinforcing through closeness and touch

Males need 2-3 times more touching

To maintain the same level of oxytocin as females

Male response to startle

Is aggression

Female response to startle

Is freeze

When mates are away from each other

Dopamine and oxytocin circuits and receptors can feel starved

Couples may not be aware of their connection and attachment until they are apart

Male love circuits

Get an extra kick when stress levels are high

Women rebuff affection

And desire

When under stress

Stress hormone cortisol blocks oxytocin’s action in the female brain

Shuts off desire for sex and touch

Even contact via conflict

Alleviates fear pain

Isolation, deprivation, distance

Can evoke fear response in women

Repeated failure

Evokes hypersensitive shame response in men

Repeated disconnection

Creates hyper-sensitive fear response in women

When a man’s role as:

Protector

Provider

Lover

Parent is threatened

He feels shame

When a woman’s role as:

Connector

Supporter

Friend

Family is threatened

She feels fear

Female brain

Half as likely to be wired for same-sex attraction as male brain

Sexual orientation in females more along continuum than in males

More bi-sexual interests in females

Safety circuits

Are formed via experiences with nurturing, predictable, secure, caregivers

Without good enough caregiving

Long-term emotional attachment may be harder to achieve

Can still fall in love for a short term, i.e. experience infatuation

After 2-3 years

Love relationships evoke critical judgment brain activity

Rather than pleasure and reward brain activity

#1 cause for divorce and/or separation…

Disconnection

#1 cause of disconnection is resentment

#1 cause of resentment is withdrawal of interest

What we have to do:

Value the connection; regard it as precious

Care about how the other feels

Respect, honor fear/shame vulnerabilities

Think connection as a mental state

To love a man:

Accept that the partner provides the meaning in a man’s life

Understand his dread of failure as a provider, protector, lover and parent

Connect more through routine, fun activities, touch and sex

Avoid controlling

Ways to connect with a man:

Touch

Activity

Routine

Kindness/sex

To love a woman:

Appreciate her importance to you

Make an effort to understand her

Avoid controlling, protecting is fine

Understand

Her fear of harm

Her fear of your anger

Her fear of deprivation

Forget feelings

Think motivation

Approach

Avoid

Attack

Improve a relationship without talking by…

Think motivation—approach

Step into the puddle

Love is cheap; pain is expensive

Three techniques to avoid shame and fear

Binocular vision

Connection

Compassion

Binocular vision

You will never get your partner to care about how you feel if you do not care about how he/she feels.

When two people are connected

They communicate

Good communication flows from connection—a sense of caring

When you are aware of your partner’s vulnerability

You can improve your connection

Improve your communication

Create love beyond words

When you are aware of your innate impulses

You can choose how to act—and improve your connection and communication!

Connection rarely flows

From talking—which tends to be about the other person’s failures

Deepest form of intimacy

Is beyond words

Serotonin sites affected by…

Sugar

Marijuana

tobacco

Serotonin—Your natural Prozac

Regulates temperature, blood pressure, blood clotting, immunity, pain, digestion, sleep

Promotes relaxation and regulates sleep

Eases tension

Emotional stability

Self-confidence

Sense of well-being

Deficiency of serotonin

Can cause depression

Tendency toward suicide

Obsession

Anxiety

Insomnia

Carbo craving

Irritability

Dopamine—Your natural cocaine

Facilitates pleasure and motivation/drive

Dopamine

Activates the pleasure center

Mediates pleasure seeking

Promotes receptivity to pleasure

Creates sense of well-being, love, contentment, inner peace.

Activates cravings

More focused and quick thinking

Gives you energy

Deficiency in dopamine

Angst

Anxiety

Depression

Irritability

Sense of urgency

Anhedonia

Craving

Scattered

Lethargic

Dopamine function decreased

Cocaine

Speed

Marijuana

Alcohol

Tobacco

Sugar

Norepinephrine—Your natural cocaine

Norepinephrine

Produces energy

Motivation

Ambition

Power

Alertness

Hyper-focus

Function of norepinephrine

Deterred by

Cocaine

Speed

Caffeine

Tobacco

Marijuana

Alcohol

Sugar

SEX

Releases a surge of endorphins

Endorphins—gives a natural high better than heroine

Create a feeling of pleasure

Decrease cravings

Enhance feelings of love

Relaxation

Euphoria

Ecstasy

Relieves physical and psychological pain

GABA—Your natural valium

Enables you to relax

Has a calming effect

Rejuvenates

Restores balance

PEA-phenylethylamine

Promotes energy

Elevates mood

Regular use of drug-like foods

Refined sugars

Flours

Alcohol

Drugs

Some medications

Can inhibit your brains natural pleasure chemicals

Some of us inherited genes which undersupply vital mood chemicals

The only food source of amino acids which constitute the mood-enhancing chemicals is protein

Those of us from alcoholic families

May be born with too little natural pain tolerance.

We are overly sensitive to emotional (and sometimes physical) pain.

We cry easily.

Your thoughts, emotions and behavior affect body chemistry

Relaxation produces norepinephrine

Exercise produces endorphins

Malnutrition due to low-calorie dieting

Number One Cause of Overeating, Weight Gain, Bulimia, and Anorexia (endorphins)

USDA standards- minimum 2500 calories for women per day

Men at least 2800 calories a day

It’s not just the calories; you need plenty of vegetables, fruits, proteins, and fats, as well as healthy carbohydrates, for your body to function properly.

Testosterone

WHO

Starvation begins at 2100 calories (or less) per day

Low-calorie dieting results in

Low sex drive

Mental dullness

Estrogen

Oxytocin

The power of touch

Lifestyle

Diet

Exercise

Lifestyle changes

Principles of Neuroplasticity

Flexibility

Adaptability

Malleable

Neurogenesis

How new brain cells are made

Using your gray matter

How new pathways are made

Neurogenesis and second order change

Change your brain and change your life

Novelty

Enrichment

Physical exercise

Limbic resonance

The brain seeks a higher brain.

The importance of Repetition

You won’t defeat what you repeat.

Making therapy last

Past the therapy door

A Therapeutic Protocol

For the Brain-Savvy Therapist

Assessment

Stress level

Anxiety and depression

Close relationships

Work life

General life satisfaction

Personality style

Common Client Profiles

What client has presented a challenge to you?

Interventions

Psychopharmacology

Cognitive restructuring

Anger management

Stress management

Self care

Diet

Exercise

Recreation

Corrective Encounters

Examples

Attunement

Regulates your emotions

Non-Complementarity

Cultivating antidotes

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”

Making the implicit explicit

“I’m prepared, but I’m still scared.”

Gratitude

Changes your mood immediately.

Compassion

Universal antidote

Pathway to Intimacy

Uncommon Approaches

Novelty

Enrichment

Spiritual endeavors

Lessons from Chaos Science

Linda Duncan, Ed.D.

Four Minutes to a Better Life

Passion as Panacea

Anticipation

Challenge

Absorption

Energy

Congruence

The importance of ritual and celebration

Intra and Inter Gender Differences Pat Love, Ed.D.



Based on the book

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IT

WHY WOMEN TALK AND MEN WALK

By

Patricia Love, Ed.D. and Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

Men are taller than women.

Individuals

Are unique

Diversity strengthens

Our species

Our culture

Men and Women

Are different

Difference

Makes life interesting

Men and Women are different

99% same genetic coding

1% difference

Honoring difference…

Reduces the dichotomy

Maligning or denying difference

Strengthens it

When you are aware of varied innate impulses

You can choose how to act—and improve your connection and communication.

Awareness of others’ vulnerability can improve home…

And work

The key is connection

When people are connected—

They communicate effectively

Are more productive

Are healthier

Happier

Until 8th week

Fetal brain is female

8th week huge testosterone surge

kills off cells in the communication center

Grows more cells in sex and aggression center

Male physiology

Differs from female physiology

Males have

Added muscle mass

More blood vessels to muscles

Inclined toward hyper-arousal

Larger brain center for anger and aggression

2.5 times brain space devoted to sex drive

Men have

11% fewer neurons in the language and hearing centers

Connecting through talking is not as rewarding for males

Testosterone

Has been shown to decrease talking

Decrease interest in socializing

Except for sports

Sexual pursuit

Men think, men feel

They don’t do both at the same time

It takes more time and effort for men to discern a specific emotion

40% of the time

Men pick up subtle signs of sadness in a face

Women pick up 90%

On the contrary…

Threat to the relationship or physical danger detected by men immediately

Men can also read angry emotions quickly

Men have a muscular (hyperarousal) response to anger and/or threat

Another’s tears…

Can evoke brain pain in men

Male brain registers helplessness in the face of pain

Helplessness evokes inadequacy

Impulse to “stop and hide”

Sex can do for a man…

What intimate talking does for a woman.

Louann Brizendine, M.D.

“Men come in two different categories: hot sex vs. safety, comfort and child rearing. Women are constantly longing for both wrapped in the same package.”

Men have an instinct to

Provide

Protect

Providing and protecting

Are survival strategies

Males hone their survival skills by

Competing

Ordering

Directing

Confronting

Doing

Bragging

Threatening

Even boys’ play is about

Competing

Social rank

Power

Defense of territory

Physical strength

Stamina

When a man cannot provide and protect

He feels inadequate

Shame

The Great Male Dread

Failure as a:

Protector

Provider

Lover

Family man

Most of his emotional energy goes to avoiding this kind of shame

When a man cannot protect or satisfy

He feels like a failure

Shame response

Is physiologically

psychologically

Anger, which numbs

Is effective in alleviating shame

Emotional and psychological withdrawal

Avoid shame pain

“What do you mean I don’t love you…

I go to work every day!”

Male Attachment Style

Protect and Connect

If he feels successful at providing and protecting, he can make emotional connection.

Relationships will struggle or fail

If you assume men and women are exactly alike

Two men

Two women

Man and a woman

Women have an instinct

To tend and befriend

Primary Female Dread

Fear of:

Harm

Isolation

Deprivation

The female brain

Outstanding verbal agility

Ability to connect deeply in friendships

Heightened capacity to read faces, emotions

Ability to diffuse conflict

Females and conflict

Creates feelings of

Stress

Upset

Fear

Females and aggression

Linked to cognitive, emotional and verbal functions

Use relationships as threat and punishment

Females who make more estrogen and progesterone

More resistant to stress because they have more serotonin

Connecting via talking

Activates pleasure centers in the female brain

Sharing relationship information gives a dopamine and oxytocin rush

Female oxytocin rush from

Gazing

Positive emotional interaction

Kissing

Orgasm

When oxytocin and dopamine are high

Loving circuits are activated

Caution and aversion circuits are shut off

The hippocampus

Hub of emotion and memory formation

Larger in female brain

Prefrontal cortex

Larger in women

Controls anger, fear and aggression

(caution with anger is survival skill with more powerful male)

Women can

Hear a broader range of voice tone variation

Hormone surges

Make female brain more sensitive to emotional nuance

Women are designed to connect

When they cannot connect they feel fear

How men leave women

alone

Women falling in love say

I felt:

Safe, secure

Partner was interested in me

Partner was generous (within means)

Easy to be with

When a woman feels fear

She wants to move closer

When a man feels shame

He wants to move away

Question for men:

Does this make me feel valued and esteemed

Or look weak, lose status or feel like a failure?

Question for women:

Will this make me feel valued, safe and connected

Or afraid or isolated?

Only compassion

For the others’ vulnerabilities improve relationships and form lasting connections

Humans survived through cooperation of the sexes

Cooperation requires

Respect for differences

Respect for roles

Role failure produces anxiety

Protection and connection are survival mechanisms

When a man cannot protect

He feels like a failure

Sense of failure

Evokes shame response

Shame response

Is physiologically

psychologically

Anger, which numbs

Is effective in alleviating shame

Emotional and psychological withdrawal

Avoid shame pain

When a woman cannot connect

She feels

Anxious,

afraid

Isolation, distance

Evoke fear response in women

Fear response

Is physiologically

psychologically

Contact lowers fear

Alleviates fear pain

Touching and giving

Trigger the release of dopamine and oxytocin in women

Sexual coupling releases

Large amounts of oxytocin

In both males and females

Oxytocin causes relaxation

Bonding

Needs constant reinforcing through closeness and touch

Males need 2-3 times more touching

To maintain the same level of oxytocin as females

Male response to startle

Is aggression

Female response to startle

Is freeze

When mates are away from each other

Dopamine and oxytocin circuits and receptors can feel starved

Couples may not be aware of their connection and attachment until they are apart

Male love circuits

Get an extra kick when stress levels are high

Women rebuff affection

And desire

When under stress

Stress hormone cortisol blocks oxytocin’s action in the female brain

Shuts off desire for sex and touch

Even contact via conflict

Alleviates fear pain

Isolation, deprivation, distance

Can evoke fear response in women

Repeated failure

Evokes hypersensitive shame response in men

Repeated disconnection

Creates hyper-sensitive fear response in women

When a woman’s role as:

Connector

Supporter

Friend

Family is threatened

She feels fear

When a man’s role as:

Protector

Provider

Lover

Parent is threatened

He feels shame

Female brain

Half as likely to be wired for same-sex attraction as male brain

Sexual orientation in females more along continuum than in males

More bi-sexual interests in females

Safety circuits

Are formed via experiences with nurturing, predictable, secure, caregivers

Without good enough caregiving

Long-term emotional attachment may be harder to achieve

Can still fall in love for a short term, i.e. experience infatuation

After 2-3 years

Love relationships evoke critical judgment brain activity

Rather than pleasure and reward brain activity

#1 cause for divorce and/or separation…

Disconnection

#1 cause of disconnection is resentment

#1 cause of resentment is withdrawal of interest

What we have to do:

Value the connection; regard it as precious

Care about how the other feels

Respect, honor fear/shame vulnerabilities

Think connection as a mental state

To love a man:

Accept that the partner provides the meaning in a man’s life

Understand his dread of failure as a provider, protector, lover and parent

Connect more through routine, fun activities, touch and sex

Avoid controlling

Ways to connect with a man:

Touch

Activity

Routine

Kindness/sex

To love a woman:

Appreciate her importance to you

Make an effort to understand her

Avoid controlling, protecting is fine

Understand

Her fear of harm

Her fear of your anger

Her fear of deprivation

Forget feelings

Think motivation

Approach

Avoid

Attack

Improve a relationship without talking by…

Think motivation—approach

Step into the puddle

Love is cheap; pain is expensive

Three techniques to avoid shame and fear

Binocular vision

Connection

Compassion

Binocular vision

You will never get your partner to care about how you feel if you do not care about how he/she feels.

When two people are connected

They communicate

Good communication flows from connection—a sense of caring

When you are aware of your partner’s vulnerability

You can improve your connection

Improve your communication

Create love beyond words

When you are aware of your innate impulses

You can choose how to act—and improve your connection and communication!

Connection rarely flows

From talking—which tends to be about the other person’s failures

Deepest form of intimacy

Is beyond words

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