1 - The Writing Center
This document showcases a real Comprehensive Editing Order as it was returned to the client. [Bracketed phrases] have been used substituted for the client’s name and other identifying information. This client is currently enrolled at Columbia Business School.
Dear [client],
Thank you again for placing an order with the-writing-.
I have reproduced each of your essays in the original form so that I can make some general commentary on each while also inserting specific comments using the Track Changes tool. After each of the commented essays will be the revised version. I would appreciate your comments on the strength and weaknesses of this format.
Your command of English is very impressive and I think your Korean consultant has done as excellent job as your advisor. I have relatively few structural/content suggestions and have spent most of my time making small edits, which although minor in scope, are important for the purpose of making a strong impression without any linguistic distraction.
1. What are your short-term and long-term post-MBA goals? How will Columbia Business School help you achieve these goals? (Recommended 750 word limit)
“Domestic: 94% VS Overseas: 6%”
• [XX] Asset Portfolio Weight (As of December, 2004) –
This essay is quite strong. Most of my work will be small edits to improve the flow of the essay and to establish a rhythm in the words that will appeal to an American reader.
I have one significant structural suggestion for this essay. When you discuss why Columbia is the best school for you, you begin with its schedule and then proceed to the topics you will study and the alumni network. I suggest that the portion about the schedule come at the end. The schedule, although it is important, is generally considered to be very “contingent,” or not a central part of what makes CBS a good school. It is wise to flatter an admissions reader by discussing the strengths of the program before moving on to the fact that the schedule happens to work well for you.
Original Statement
When I moved to Financial Planning Team and began managing asset portfolio of [KOREAN BANK], I was startled by the weakness of overseas portfolio. I wondered, “Is it possible for the biggest firm in the Korean Financial Industry to have a mere 6% overseas portfolio?” However, this was the reality of [KOREAN BANK] with its campaign, “The Star of Global Financial Market.”
This unbalance in portfolio causes problems in both growth and risk. Narrow domestic market does not provide enough source of asset growth. The portfolio is too sensitive to domestic economy cycle, so bad assets increase sharply in recession. However, the bigger problem is that my bank lacks specialists who can expand overseas portfolio.
However, I think that this is an opportunity for me. My ability to forecast future cash flow of commercial bank can be used significantly to acquire foreign banks and my experience of analyzing business performance of entire bank can be necessary asset for finding potential banks and guiding them after M&A. Moreover, unlike most Finance/Strategy specialist in [KOREAN BANK], I speak English fluently. So, I think that I can play an important role in the campaign for overseas portfolio with my potential.
In this background, my long-term goal is to become "Head of Overseas Business Division” My vision is to break the unbalance of portfolio of [KOREAN BANK] and support stabilizing Korean Financial Market. By doing this, I want to contribute to Global banking system.
The recent change in Korean Banking Industry brought me hope and chance. In May 2006, [KOREAN BANK] completed the M&A contracts to acquire KEB which has the strongest overseas network among Korean banks. This means that [KOREAN BANK] is about to expand its territory into overseas soon. The place to realize my vision is opening now.
CBS is the best place to make my dream come true.
The first reason is January Accelerated Program. J-term provides a fantastic schedule for me as a sponsored applicant, who does not need internship. According to the M&A schedule, the two banks will merge into one by the end of 2007. So after a couple of month for adjustment, a task force for expanding overseas business will be launched during the second half of 2008. I can join it as a foundation member, if (after) I finish J-term in May, 2008. Additionally, I will be promoted after MBA, so I can save one year with J-term. Lastly, my current project, 2007 business planning, will be completed in December, so I can join J-term without any burden to my teammates.
The second reason is to gain knowledge on overseas business. Above all, I need knowledge about M&A in order to handle deals for acquiring foreign banks. Specifically, practical lectures such as “Mergers and Acquisitions” by Professor Donna Hitscherich, experienced lawyer, will be a great help to me. Moreover, I need deep understanding of Emerging Financial Market and international business. CBS provides various lectures that fit my needs. For example, “Globalization and Markets and the Changing Economic Landscape” by Professor Bruce C. Greenwald, Excellent Teaching Award Winner, will broaden my viewpoint. Additionally, interviews and advice from managers working in global banks in New York will be a good source of my growth as well.
The third reason is the worldwide alumni network. [KOREAN BANK] announced that its main target is developing countries in Asia. Generally, these countries have higher country risk, so advice and cooperation of alumni in the countries will be beneficial to me. Number of countries represented of CBS is 62. I can make deeper network through J-term whose class size is relatively small. Additionally, class profile of CBS that 28.6% of students join Investment Banking is very attractive. I can form win-win relationships with them. After graduation, they can be good advisors for me in M&A matters, and I can help them to join various deals of overseas business in my banks.
After graduating from CBS, I will join the overseas business division. At first, I will participate to search proper banks to acquire. Next, I will join the M&A processes, and lead them to success. Next, I will apply for a director to supervise the already acquired banks and work there for few years. Finally, after I come back to Korea, I will become a general manager to control entire overseas portfolio as a strong candidate for Head of the overseas business division.
CBS, the best place to make my dream come true. I will join you soon.
Edited Version
When I transferred to [KOREAN BANK]’s Financial Planning Team and began to help manage its vast asset portfolio, I was startled to learn that only 6% of its assets were held abroad. After all, [KOREAN BANK] (*insert description—maybe something like “is Korea’s largest bank”) and markets itself as “The Star of the Global Financial Market.” The danger of such a portfolio is two-fold: the company’s asset growth is not only limited by the relatively mature domestic economy—it is also unnecessarily exposed to the domestic economic cycle. I plan to spend a significant part of my career working to improve this aspect of [KOREAN BANK]’s business.
When I originally investigated the causes of the imbalance, I simultaneously discovered a glaring corporate weakness and a tremendous personal opportunity. Simply put, [KOREAN BANK] does not currently have the necessary expertise to effectively expand its international portfolio. Because I speak English fluently and have considerable experience in analyzing the overall business performance and projecting future cash flow for commercial banks, I am already a rare commodity at [KOREAN BANK]. In the near future, I plan to combine these skills with the specific content knowledge I will gain in the course of my MBA studies to help lead [KOREAN BANK]’s effort to acquire foreign banks. Eventually, I expect to lead [KOREAN BANK]’s Overseas Business Division. In this role, I will be able to fully realize my vision for a truly global [KOREAN BANK] by appropriately balancing our portfolio. By doing so, I will make an important contribution to the stability of the Korean Financial Market and the global banking system as a whole.
Columbia Business School offers a uniquely suitable program for a person of my ambition. In order to effectively oversee international acquisition deals, I will need to develop an intimate familiarity with all aspects of the M&A business and a deep understanding of emerging markets. The great practical lectures offered by prominent and decorated professors, such as “Mergers and Acquisitions” by Donna Hitscherich and “Globalization and Markets and the Changing Economic Landscape” by Bruce C. Greenwald, will be of incredible value to me in this pursuit.
At the same time, I plan to take fullest advantage of Columbia’s worldwide alumni network and many local business connections. While in New York, I will work to set up interviews with and solicit advice from managers of New York’s global banks in order to gather insight that can usually only be earned by costly trial and error. In the future, I will seek opportunities to consult and cooperate with CBS alumni in developing countries in Asia, where [KOREAN BANK] plans will focus. Because CBS alumni hail from 62 different countries and 28.6% of current students will work in investment banking, I am confident that I will meet many individuals with whom I can form lasting mutually beneficial relationships.
Recent developments in Korean banking indicate that the market is already in the process of opening up, and Columbia’s January Accelerated Program is therefore a fantastic schedule for me. This May, [KOREAN BANK] completed an M&A contract to acquire KEB, which has the strongest overseas presence of any Korean bank. According to the current schedule, the two banks will complete the merger by the end of 2007. As a sponsored applicant, I will not pursue an ordinary internship and will instead make use of the accelerated program by joining [KOREAN BANK]’s overseas expansion committee as a founding member when I finish J-term in May, 2008. The start date will also allow me to complete my current project so that I will not inconvenience my teammates, and I expect that the smaller J-term group will enable me to form even stronger bonds with my classmates.
After graduating from CBS, I will join [KOREAN BANK]’s overseas business division to search for proper acquisition targets and lead successful M&A projects. I will then expand my experience by working aboard as a director of a recent acquisition before returning to Korea to become a general manager and control [KOREAN BANK]’s entire overseas portfolio. I anticipate that I will be an extremely strong candidate for head of the overseas business division. My goals are obviously highly ambitious, but they are also realistic given the strength of my career to date and the opportunity to earn an MBA at Columbia. CBS is the best place to make my dream come true. I will join you soon.
3. In discussing Columbia Business School , Dean R. Glenn Hubbard remarked, “We have established the mindset that entrepreneurship is about everything you do.” Please discuss a time in your own life when you have identified and captured an opportunity. (recommended 500 word limit)
This is another strong statement. It shows that you can work effectively under difficult circumstances and that you were not easily deterred from working to improve the organization. Again, I will make quite a few small edits, but I have only one content suggestion. It would be nice to learn something about the effect that your manual has had in the company. Even if you cannot provide quantitative analysis of its value, perhaps you could include an anecdote about a new junior member who used it beneficially. Something along these lines would be of great value as it would prove that you not only received acclaim for your efforts but also that the efforts paid off for the company.
Original Statement
When I began working on “Financial Forecast” in August 2005, I was faced with a difficult situation -- there was no material to refer to. To make it worse, seniors in my team were not cooperative. All they said was, “Forecast is an Art. Follow your intuition,” without actually telling me how to obtain that intuition.
Also, my teammates did not tend to share their know-how in order to make their status valuable. However, this phenomenon was a problem not only in my team, but a prevalent situation throughout the entire organization, and formed a trait of corporate culture in [KOREAN BANK].
I thought that this exclusive culture should be abolished. It wasted too much precious time by forcing people to repeat similar trials and errors. For instance, when I worked on “Financial Forecast”, it took me 6 months to complete the structure of my forecasting model through numerous trials and errors. Had my seniors passed on their know-how, it might have taken just two months. I did not want my subordinates to face this problem.
So, I began making a manual of my job of financial planning. Specifically, I focused not only on describing methods of performing particular tasks but also on explaining the effect and reason of each task. In order to complete this advanced manual, I needed to obtain know-how of my seniors. However, they could not be motivated to work on a task that could be of no benefit to themselves.
At that moment, one of my seniors was chosen as a candidate for manager. Despite his strong quantitative skills, he was weak at writing reports. He knew that he should show his ability to report to become a manager. I thought that we could form a win-win relationship, considering my strength in logical thinking and PowerPoint skills.
After a couple of days, we promised to help improve each other’s weak points. Over the next few weeks, we worked during our lunchtime. First, I taught him my tips for using PowerPoint and writing reports. Then, we revised his reports together by applying my tips to them. Finally, he was promoted with the evaluation that his ability to write reports had improved dramatically. After the promotion, he gave his full support to my manual, and I completed my manual with high standard.
In May 2006, there was an article about my manual in [KOREAN BANK] Friends, the corporate magazine. One day, during a drinking party, one of my subordinates and his friends discussed exclusive culture and mentioned my manual. Incidentally, one of [KOREAN BANK] Friends staff happened to overhear the story. Deeply impressed, he decided to publish the story in the magazine.
I became famous in [KOREAN BANK] after the article. However, this reputation is not what is the most precious to me. Rather, they are confidence that I initiated and fulfilled something to contribute to my organization, and a pride that as a junior, I inspired my senior. This experience is a good asset to my career.
Edited Version
I faced a difficult situation when I started work on an important financial forecast in August, 2005. At the time, [KOREAN BANK] provided no formal training in or guidance about the forecasting process, and to make matters worse, the senior members of my team were unwilling to share their expertise. “Forecasting is an art,” they told me. “Follow your intuition.”
While I recognize that there is sometimes value in a “trial by fire” approach, it ultimately took me six months to complete the structure of a forecasting model that I could have completed in two months with only a small amount of support. I could not escape the feeling that [KOREAN BANK] was wasting a tremendous amount of potential by forcing younger analysts to constantly re-invent important methods, and I decided to make it my personal mission to improve this wasteful aspect of our corporate culture.
In order to pass on the principles that I had derived, I began to create a manual for financial forecasting. I focused not only on methods for particular tasks but also on explaining rationale behind each decision. I was still relatively inexperienced, however, and I needed important input from my seniors in order to complete the manual accurately. I was discouraged to find that, try though I did, I could not motivate them to work on a project that would be of no personal benefit.
As luck would have it, one of my more experienced colleagues was chosen as a candidate for promotion at that time. Despite his strong quantitative skills, he needed to improve his written skills in order to be selected and trusted me as an expert in this area. I recognized this as a possible win-win relationship and convinced him of the same. He agreed to help with the finer points of my manual in exchange for my help with written reports. Over the next few weeks, we worked during our lunchtime. On the strength of his efforts and the improvement in his writing, he was soon promoted and continued to support my manual from his new office.
Word of my manual spread throughout my department and was very well-received. It was even a topic of discussion during an inter-departmental office party and was incidentally described to a writer for [KOREAN BANK] Friends, the corporate magazine, who was so impressed that he decided to write an article about my efforts. Since then, I have become a [KOREAN BANK] celebrity and have been continually commended for my independent motivation and positive contribution. More important to me, however, is the fact that I managed to inspire my superior to help me make an important contribution to the company. I expect that my entrepreneurial spirit will continue to be an important asset throughout my career.
Please select and answer one of the following essay questions. (recommended 250 word limit) a. Please tell us what you feel most passionate about in life.
This is a good subject for this essay, but one thing is missing. How will you connect this passion to your life at Columbia? I would advise you to conclude this essay by saying that you will look to join a hospital choir in New York or will try to sing informally with your peers. Something like this will allow your reader to picture you attending Columbia, and that is exactly what you want. I have added a short concluding section that seeks to accomplish this goal. The essay, as a result, has exceeded the recommended word limit, but this is not a problem. When an admissions committee elects to make describe the limit as a recommendation, they expect that you will follow it in spirit but will not worry if you go slightly over. An extra 30 words is not a problem.
Original Statement
My passion is encouraging people, especially who are hospital patients, to regain hope through music.
Choir singing has given me pleasure since I was young. I really enjoyed the process of unifying various voices to produce euphony by listening to the voices of the other choir singers rather than focusing only on my voice. However, while I was in Australia, I realized that the joy from this harmony gets doubled when it gives people hope.
A choir competition called “CHOIRFEST” is held every year in my old exchange university. I became choir leader of my college in 2001. I prepared for the competition, emphasizing my teammates that the volume of our voices could be twice as loud when each voice is perfectly harmonized. I still cannot forget the memory that multi-ethnic choir singers from 41 different countries produced such a beautiful harmony and become one.
After CHOIRFEST, my team had an opportunity to volunteer at a local hospital by singing songs. Patients really enjoyed singing fun songs with us, forgetting their pain for a while. We felt so happy and satisfied with the doctor’s explanation that music helps patient have a positive mind for a perfect cure.
After I came back to Korea, I wanted to keep this up. During my search for a suitable hospital, I found that performances for child patients were very rare. So, my friends and I visited a hospital for children suffering from cancer, and taught them to sing and sang fun songs together.
Edited Version
I have always found tremendous pleasure in choral singing—the process of unifying many individual voices to produce beautiful music is inspiring and the resulting connection with a choir is incomparable. When I studied in Australia as an exchange student, however, I learned about a new type of vocal harmony: the power of music to encourage and inspire recovering hospital patients.
In 2001, I was selected to lead my college choir in the annual Choirfest competition that (*university name) holds each year. As I directed our preparation for the competition, I worked with a multi-ethnic choir made up of representatives from 41 countries. After the competition, local doctors who recognized the healing power of music and good spirits invited my choir to perform for patients at a local hospital. I was amazed to see how much patients really enjoyed listening to our performances and even singing songs along with us. It seemed to help them forget their pain for a while and made us incredibly happy to know that we had helped.
I was determined to continue to use music in hospitals when I returned to Korea, but when I searched for opportunities, I was surprised to learn that such performances were very rare even for children. Some friends and I began to visit a hospital for children suffering from cancer and sang fun songs with them from time to time. It has been a truly rewarding experience and is a service that I hope to bring with me to New York as a student at CBS. I expect that many of my colleagues will find the opportunity to participate inspiring and fun, and I will relish the chance to make such a personal contribution to the community.
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