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Sample Rosalind Wiseman Q&A

Children’s questions

Question #1

Dear Rosalind,

There’s another kid at school who constantly says mean things about how I look and it really bothers me. I want the problem to go away but if my parents call the school it’s going to make the whole situation worse. What do I do?

James, 12

 

Hi James,

You have the right to be angry and I totally understand why you’re worried about your parents. Here’s what I think your options are to solve this problem.

 

• You can do nothing. This may seem like a good solution in the moment but the problem is you’re giving all the power to the bully. When a bully knows he can get away with his behavior, he keeps going.

• You can retaliate. The problem with this strategy is you can seem just as

• You can gather evidence. You can record what the bully says or take a picture of any mean messages posted about you. You can also write down exactly what happened, when, where, who was around (including adults). Describe how this impacts your ability to go to school (like you can’t concentrate because you’re so nervous or you feel sick getting on the bus).

• You can tell someone you trust. That person can be a parent, a teacher, a counselor, a school nurse, or a coach. Explain your concern about the bully retaliating. Together, you can go to the school administrator to address your concerns.

Remember you didn’t put yourself in this situation and you aren’t snitching. You are just trying to get some control of the situation and a person who bullies has to take the consequences of his actions. 

Question #2

Dear Rosalind,

I'm only 11 and my friend won’t talk to me at all anymore. She ignores me and I feel helpless without her. I gave her 2 weeks to cool off and I tried telling her, "I can’t fix the problem if you don’t tell me why you’re mad." I need urgent answers fast. Mary.

Dear Mary,

You've taken some good first steps. You may not like it, but I want you to give up on this friendship—at least for a while. A true friend wouldn’t blow you off when you ask what’s wrong. You can tell her, “I understand that you don’t want to be my friend anymore, so I'm going to leave you alone, but anytime you want to talk, I’ll be here." Remember, the conversation doesn’t have to go perfectly, you just have to tell her this.

Question #3

Dear Rosalind,

One of my friends constantly makes fun of me and another one backs him up. When I try to get them to stop they say: “Dude we're just messing with you". Sometimes another friend tries to get them to stop, but they don’t really. I need some help! These guys have been my friends since I was really young so I am really confused.

Miles, 14

 

Dear Miles,

Unfortunately, your group is being controlled by a “mastermind”. The bottom line is no one has the right to treat you like dirt, especially your closest friends. I think you have to prove to these guys that you’re willing to end the friendship if they don’t stop. You have to look the mastermind in the eye and say, “Seriously, you’re over the line. Lay off.”

He may not like that and try to get back at you, but you can’t back down. If he won’t ease off, you have to cool the friendship. If not, you will be stuck until you walk away.

   

P.S. The next time you find yourself alone with guy who stood up for you, you can tell him, "Thanks." Also, be careful of your friend who backs up the mean guy, he isn’t a friend you can depend on.

Parent and adult questions

Adult question #1

Dear Rosalind,

I’m friends with my 14 year-old niece on Facebook. I just read some inappropriate things she posted about a boy she likes. Should I tell her mother? Will she see this as a violation of her privacy? I don’t want my niece stop talking to me about things as she grows up. Nell

Every girl, and boy for that matter, needs one adult that they can talk to honestly. Which is exactly why you have to say to her, in person and in private, if possible: “I saw what you posted the other day and I am worried about it. Why do you think I am?”

She may be able to open up to you about why she wants attention this way. After you listen to her, you need to give her some guidance:

“I’d like you to delete the post and you keep the feelings you have like that private. FB and texting are all about communicating out loud and I want you to be in control of what you present to the world. I’ve thought about telling your parents, myself, but I’d like for us to tell them together. You don’t need to go into specifics but you should tell them that we talked and why.”

Adult Question #2

Hi Rosalind,

 

My daughter Rachel has been being bullied on and off by a girl named Sophie. Sophie is now on Rachel’s soccer team and has started bullying Rachel daily. My husband and I are also friendly with Sophie's parents, which doesn’t help the situation much.  We are not sure if we should talk to her parents first or go directly to her teacher and principal?  We are concerned Rachel will be blamed for telling on Sophie.

 

I would greatly appreciate your advice. 

 

Thanks kindly,

Julie

Dear Julie,

You have to talk to Sophie’s parents. If they find out that you complained about Sophie instead of reaching out to them, they’ll be much less likely to work with you to solve the problem. Of course, having this conversation can be really challenging. Your first step is deciding between you and your husband which of you is the calmer representative of the family. But no matter who does it (or both of you can too) this conversation needs to be in person or on the phone.

Here’s what he can say, “This is a little uncomfortable to bring up but it’s really important. We need your help because Sophie is still being mean to Rachel. Can you please talk to Sophie about this so this stops? We know these things can go both ways so if Rachel ever does anything to Sophie that you want to bring to our attention, please don’t hesitate.

If Sophie continues to bully Rachel than it makes sense to involve the school. I talk to many parents who are in similar situations and more often than not, when the other parents are approached with respect, the situation improves. Most importantly, Rachel needs to see that when she’s bullied you can effectively advocate for her.

Adults Question #3

Dear Rosalind,

My son has been bullied for years at his school and they refuse to do anything about it! I talked to his teacher and the principal and they just don’t take it seriously. What should we do? Steve

When school administrators don’t address bullying, they are abdicating their fundamental responsibility. That said, there are a lot of educators who really are trying their best. Sometimes it can hard to tell the difference because they can’t tell you what they’re doing without breaching confidentiality. Here are some of the things I look for:

1. Does the school listen to your child respectfully? Do they listen to you respectfully? Or do they make excuses like, “You know that’s what kids do at this age.” Or “He didn’t really mean it. It just came out the wrong way.” You know you have a problem.

2. They honor commitments. If they tell you they’re going to do something, they do it. If they can’t, they tell you right away and when you can expect it to come through.

3. The never surprise you by bringing in other people to meetings with you or your child.

If you have an ineffective administrator, you will need to do a lot of homework. You need to educate yourself about your state’s bullying policies, gather your evidence of your child’s experience, and then have one more meeting with the principal. If he’s still unwilling to address the problem, you have no choice to go to the PTA and/or the Superintendent for help. I’d seriously consider enrolling your child in another school. Changing schools is always the last resort but if you have a school that refuses to keep your child safe, it’s the best decision to make. An excellent resource to help you is The Bully Action Guide: How to Help Your Child and Get Your School to Listen by Edward Dragan.

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