A Waters Embrace



Australian Science and Mathematics schoolA Waters EmbraceNarrative – Cosmic CultureMelanie BennettSemester 2, 2012A Waters EmbraceStep one would be the moment you take action; a shard of opaque glass, the load of metal pushing through such delicate skin or the jumping into an unyielding pool of gravel. Step two would be the moment you realise it’s fatal, that there’s no turning back. Three is the suffocating dread of no tomorrow. Rivers of emotions drown your pale cheeks. You are a bitter, bloody, craven soul; the one who broke hearts for their own sanity. If blessed, step four may approach. You may feel a glimpse of serenity and accomplishment. The moment you bow to God and cut the jealous strings of his affection. Then the curtains began to fall, along with your consciousness. To be truthfully honest, I don’t think I have imagined my death because I always ended up being brought back from my depths. I imagined being in the arms of a saviour, in the arms of a person who cared and they would selflessly bring a new life back to my body. But listen carefully; the only real way to get a glimpse of death is by laying flat and giving into to your tiredness. Even then, we imagine that we will wake up from not only the darkness but our despair which led us there. And as I lay here on the sea bed; I’m still in the midst of my darkness and despair. * * * * * “I won’t let you give up!” He worryingly stuttered, while he grasped my wrist and shoved a poisoned needle into my vein. I could feel a thick liquid slither down my bloodstream. I tried to pull away but the drug had already taken over me. My muscles were paper thin and so were my brain functions. The drug continued to suffocate my abilities, but I new that the drug would not be enough to dwindle this feeling. I felt like I was in the final stages of becoming a butterfly. I wriggled from his grip like a caterpillar had wriggled from their last layers of skin. Once I had escaped, I would be motionless in the depths of the sea but then resurrect with a new verve. I’d fly past the continual fields of dissatisfaction, making a right turn towards heaven. “Don’t you understand?” I cried. At this point my muscles and mind had turned against me. I pulled my hands from his grip and then lifted his chin with my bloodied finger tips. “I have imagined this day all my life. I’m not giving up on myself.” I assured him. I stopped myself to take a deep breath and to lower my voice. “I’m just giving in; I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I’m going to let the water shelter my body from the storm. I’m never going to be who I was before. It cannot get better when my lights are turned on!” I pleaded. His eyes widened in fury then descended as he began to confess, “I can’t help you anymore. You do what you want but I promise that you will not like the oceans embrace.” His words were harshly honest. My mouth was opened and shocked. I thought about the oceans embrace. I thought about how I would be a worthless ant exploding between the sole of a foot and the ground. Although, that was the point! He never understood the hatred I had for myself seeping out of my veins. Death would be easier; it was something that I wanted. That is why I ran away from the hospital. That is why I’m looking out towards the ocean. I stood frozen in the sand. I couldn’t hold the tears without holding my breath; I was suffocating. It didn’t matter if I didn’t like the oceans embrace; I didn’t even deserve such affection. I saw how messed up I was and I saw the solution. I saw the glistening water and ran toward it. As I reached the waters edge I stood there with my eyes looking directly where the water and the horizon met. My battered and frail toes curled into the sand as the waters were released from the shimmering crescents palm. And as the defining line of the waters edge pulled back like a rubber band released from the Earths force, my toes would be brushed with a thin layer of the breeze. It was an intimate and sensual pleasure; one that I hope to God I will lock into my memories forever. I’m not one to speak in such an erotic tone but reuniting with the blanket of blues and whites was something one I have only ever dreamt of. After what felt like seconds, the water crept below my ankles. Once the water had shelter my ankles from the toxic world above, I uncurled my toes, stared straight through the horizon and walked towards it. Bit by bit the frosted blue blanket sucked me under but I didn’t feel restrained by the medium; only released. As the sun melted into the water, I melted under it too. I drew one last breath of the crisp air as I whispered under my breath: “As I panic in the sea, I still want to drown, so let me be.” Both my eyes closed; there no point looking at the fractured moonlight anymore. I tilted my head towards the oceans floor and began kicking furiously. I swam as fast as I could with the anxiety of giving up after coming this far. Though the pressure was hard to take down here, it was the only way I could escape the pressure of being up there. All in a few seconds I went through the steps. Step one was the moment I gasped for air. Step two was when I looked up; I was many miles under the surface. Three was the suffocating dread of no tomorrow. Rivers of emotions drown my lungs and I thought of the pain I brought to him for my own sanity. Step four didn’t approach; I was hopeless and alone. But I couldn’t take my final bow! I breathed in the water and yet it felt as though the water had satisfied my lungs. To feel as though you’re drowning but your body is satisfied – How? I brought my finger tips to my throat. Three chunks of skin on my neck were waving in the waters drift. I saw bubbles elevate from my neck. I had gills! I looked down to my arm in realization; the poison he had drawn into my skin, he had been my saviour all along.To be truthfully honest, I don’t think I have imagined my death because I always ended up being brought back from my depths. I imagined being in the arms of a saviour, in the arms of a person who cared. The only real way to get a glimpse of death is by laying flat and giving into to your tiredness. Even then, we imagine that we will wake up from not only the darkness but our despair which led us there. And as I lay here on the sea bed; I’m still in the midst of my darkness and despair. ................
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