Quotes: - Open Computing Facility
QUOTES
TEACHERS
Ackerman:
“You are all racist.”
“I like investing my money in $100,000 increments.”
“Whoa, whoa, Daddy-O. The big ‘I’ rules, doncha know.”
“I think the writer of this bill was smoking the wacky weed.”
“I guess it’s time for E-CO-NOMICS!”
“That’s a very complex question.”
“It’s money that matters.”
“The bomb.”
Forte:
“Take and ______, if you will.”
“The choke point, if you will.”
“The Philippines were the US crown jewel, if you will.”
“The Island of Midway was the US’ outpost or guard post, if you will.”
“Poetic justice, if you will.”
“South East Asia—the colonial boot, if you will.”
“The women who opposed the Vietnam War burned their bras in massive fires; this was a form of liberation, if you will.”
“Switzerland was a dupe, if you will.”
“When Hirohito spoke in 1945, the Japanese people were struck dumb, if you will.”
“At the Nazi resorts, the soldiers and German women co-mingled, if you will.”
“Pearl Harbor was a strategic boo-boo, if you will.”
“Woodrow Wilson: the angel of peace, if you will.”
“It was too little, too late, if you will.”
“Naysayers, if you will.”
Moore:
“I called my Dutch son-in-law in Holland because…that’s where Dutch people live.”
“Ronald Reagan called the Soviet Union the Evil Empire; it’s like it was frickin’ Star Wars.”
Schwandt:
“I was shocked, stunned, and taken aback.”
“Oh, you must mean the DAY-LEE PLANNIR.”
“It’s like a pathetic display of one’s life spread out for all to see.”
“This is terrible.”
“This [the wallpaper] has to come down.”
“People came in and were looking at it like it was a holocaust exhibit.”
“If I were you…and I’m glad I’m not…”
“Don’t put down your Highway 10 alias.”
“The three C’s of video etiquette: Concern, consciousness, and quiet.”
“FIELD MARSHALL!!”
“Assume the position.”
“It’s not personal; it’s just business.”
“They’ll frisk you, and they’ll like it.”
“Boozers are Looooosers”
“Circle up.”
“Return to flight formation.”
“Glib generalizations”
“Focused and worthwhile explorations”
“A washable topic”
“Satanically cretinous”
“It’s time for vocabulary check.”
“The real story involved my being informed quite early on that I was mysteriously ‘one of the most poorly prepared graduate students ever to slip by the admissions committee.’”
Weaver:
“Your class has potential.”
Mary I and her “psychosomatic pregnancy”
“You’re one smart cookie”
“So if you’re ever down by the weight room be sure to bring your camera so you can take a picture of the flasher…of his face, I mean.”
“You’re dense.” (to John)
Others:
“Please don’t sit on the floor. It looks unprofessional.”—Mrs. St. Peter
“She’s finally cracked!”—Mr. Helm about Sam in goth
“Get the ‘L’ out.”—Mr. Thompson
MOVIES AND TELEVISION
Blues Brothers:
“It’s 106 miles to Chicago, we’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses. Hit it!”
“I guess you’re up the creek.”
Fairchild-Yutzman Vocational Matrix Video:
It is essential in the business world to have sparkling white teeth.
It is important to choose a spouse who will be acceptable to your superiors.
Five pencils.
The person who invites always pays for the meal.
Lawrence of Arabia:
“Thy mother mated with a scorpion.”
“It is not written.”
MST:
“It was the Third of September, a night I’ll always remember.”
“Manos: Hands of Fate”
“What is it about the gates of hell that make people want to walk into them.”
“Must…get…to…crappy…special…effect.”
“If that’s God, I’m quitting.”
“I’d knock, but I know I’m not home.”
“Sometimes a bazooka is just a bazooka.”
“With a name like Smucker’s you know it’s good.”
“Yes, play is when I break you in half.”
Murder by Death:
“Arguing with cow head on wall like train without wheels: very soon get nowhere.”
“This conversation like T.V. on honeymoon: not necessary.”
Simpsons:
“Your point being…”—Homer
“Yeah, but what are ya gonna do?” –Homer
“Scooby Doo can doo-doo but Jimmy Carter is smarter.”—Homer
“See you in hell, candy boys.”—Homer
Others:
“I’m an American, damn it!”—Midway
“It’s not only rubbish, but it’s neo-rubbish and crypto-rubbish.”—Reginald Perrin
“Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and f*** the prom queen.”—Sean Connery
“The king is dead! Long live the king!”—Napoleon
“Great googilly moogilly.”—Snickers’ commercial
“I can be a bad boy. Look, I’m running with scissors.”—Frasier
“Imagine you are an idiot. Now, imagine you are a politician. But I repeat myself.”—Mark Twain
US AND OTHERS
Amit:
“Big Dog’s gotta eat.” (about Joe)
“You can’t stop _______. You can only hope to contain him/her.”
Beth:
“Do Bavarians have nuts?” (at Valley Fair)
“I opened the book, and it was, like, tires or something.” (about Iceland guidebook)
“Hills Like Whales.”
“Spreadsheets are my friends.”
“I’m being the Super Hostess.”
Brendan:
“Who’s Ralph Lauren?” (while wearing polo shirt)
“My body is not for sale.”
Callie:
“How do you spell Schickelgruber? It keeps getting shorter!”
Clyde:
“Or you could call this number, and they won’t give you directions.”
“Shoosh up.”
“You guys are down in the career center jacking off…”
“Like Jeff, he wants to be ten forever.” (in Lit. discussion)
“Then there’s this guy, he’s this blob here.”
Jeff:
“King Henry was on top of things.” (about Henry VIII’s marriage to Anne Boleyn)
“Beth is the Secret Weapon—so secret that they haven’t used her yet.”
“Touch ‘em all, Kirby Puckett!” (whenever a Frisbee flew into the hockey rink)
“That’s what you’d like me to think.”
“Calcul-you, calcul-me, calcul-us.”
“Disregarding what Clyde bid…”
“It’s the Nannerman.”
“If you walk up to someone and he/she says, ‘Ick, get away from me!’ it’s time to move on.” (Interview in The Eye)
“Ach, du Cleeder.”
“It’s Amit come lately.”
“Deal schlameal.”
“What the what the no!”
“Pail, tail, fingelnail.”
“Enough of your bobbygosh!” (to Meagan)
“One peek is worth a thousand finesses.”
“Let’s force the queen, dum de dum de dum…”
“That’s definitely what we would call a ‘ya whoops.’”
“Awesome A came to say, deedle deidel doodle day.”
“Montana: where the speed limit signs say, ‘See you in hell’.”
“There’s Suntag, Montag, Tuestag, Wednestag, Thurstag, Fritag, and Saturtag.”
“Hey, Beth. If the first sentence of that book reads, ‘It was 11:55 a.m.’ I don’t think it’ll be very interesting.” (about The Last Camel Died at Noon)
“The sky today is like Clyde—not very bright.”
“Then this car barely missed hitting the front of my car on the passenger side. I mean, Clyde could have been killed.”
“…and Joe, don’t forget the journal entry about Nikos…Kazantzakis!”
Jen:
“Attendez-vous! Arretez-vous! Well, screw you then.” (on the streets of Rothenburg)
“Mourir comme un chien” [Dead as a dog]
“Why don’t you just have sex with him?” (screamed down the halls of Irondale)
Jess:
“I just gotta get laid before I die.”
“Makes sense.”
“Sounds good.”
“Santa wants to come home with you.”
“What the f*** did he do to my car?!”
“Let’s keep our thumbs up.”
“Jeff could use some experience with kids under his belt.”
“Oohhh… that was a bad day.” (explaining an embarrassing event)
“Awesome!”
Joe:
“Watch out.”
“Gee Clyde, I could bike to your house every day this summer…and you’d really like that!”
“Although this school has a lot of boozers, there are also a lot of awesome people here.”
“I have a slight sense of humor. I’m quiet, but not very quiet. Maybe a little crazy once in a while, but who isn’t?” (interview for The Eye)
John:
“Stop being dumb…No, I said stop it.”
“Yeah, come here…PBSHHH.”
“Yeah, I believe you. No, I’m serious.”
“Back off”
“Unfreakinbelievable!”
“Yeah, I’ll chop you in half.”
“That’s… TOO BAD!”
“Clyde, you idiot.”
“No, it just looks like it.”
“Hey, that’s great, but what’s A Separate Pace?”
“We should give you a sign that says, ‘Caution! Genius at work.’”
“You’re a certifiable genius.”
“Frick, frack, frick, frack.”
“… as we say in the business.”
“Whatever helps you sleep.”
“Joe! Joe! Over here, Joe!”
“Don’t hurt yourself.”
“I’m bringing the ruckus.”
“Hack, cough, choke, die! That’s the freshman battle cry.”
“I don’t need any of your guff.”
“You could be an honorary member of the Cheese Eaters Club of America.”
“Don’t screw up…Oh.”
“Awesome A coming our way.”
“That’s bad news bears.”
Karl:
“Hey, Jeff, did you see your shadow today?”
Meagan:
“We don’t need all this hullabaloo.”
“Oh, bosh!”
Megan:
“Get off the f***ing bus!” (in dead silence)
“Ya, you betcha, doncha know”
Michele:
“How are the monkey’s f***ing today.”
“Hi, Mr. Forte!”
“I want to be the prom queen!” (see movie section)
“If you don’t got kazoos, you ain’t got s***.”
“These French people are so rude!”
“We could just slip a little poison in her b**** pill.” (about the Frau situation)
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses a spleen.”
“Everyone thinks I’m a stupid idiot, but it’s all just a big fakade.”
“I don’t need your pity _____.”
“The cow is on ice. [things are not so good.]”
“_______ threw the spoon. [Just died]”
“The hand of God came down and smote them all.”
“I sense owls in the moss. [I think there's something bad in the future.]”
“You have Santa Clauses in your attic! [you're crazy.]” (to Jess)
“Eric hates me.”
“I have to lift my shirt for him…but I promise I'll be tactful about it.”
“I’m rolling out the welcome mat.”
Patrick:
“School’s like hell…only colder.”
“Ukulele: the hick mandolin.”
“Oh, no, something has gone terribly wrong.”
“It tastes more like tea than piss.”
“I’m evil. Do you think I care?”
“Get out the pizza. We’re going over the bridge!”
“He’s my father!” (about Grossman)
“Sorry we’re late. We stopped to have some sex and pizza.”
“Is that a battery in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me.”
“It’s funny as paste.”
"I'm a burrito—do you think I care?"
“We could call Mr. Ackerman and ask him for his phone number.”
Sam:
“If you see my dumb brother, tell him I’m looking for him.”
“I don’t condone functioning students.” (to Jess—the worst speller in the known wurld)
“You’re going to make me squirt cappuccino out my nose.”
“Did you just lick that?”
“You’re right! There are no balls.”
“I’m not going to comment.”
Tina:
“That funny looking kid.”
“Vivre jusqu’a je meurs!” [Live until I die!] (Interview in The Eye)
Tom:
“Yes!” (with slot-machine, lever-pull motion)
“Yeah, ya don’t.”
Groups and Pairs:
“Worthless.”—Jeff and John
“_______ of death/doom!” –Jeff and John
“I’m going blind. I’m seeing the back of my retinas. Oh, wait, it’s just Clyde’s shoes.”—Jeff and John (also said about Amit’s shoes)
“Clyde gets knocked down, but he gets up again. Ain’t never gonna keep him down.”—Jeff and John (song)
“All…my…friends…know the Clode Clyder. The Clode…Clyder…gets a little higher.”—John and Jeff
“That’s pretty harsh.”—Many people
“Ich will diene Augen mit einem Gablöffel auspoken.” [I want to poke your eyes out with a spork]—Michele, Jess, and the Europe crowd
“Ooltimoot!”—The battle cry when kicking off in Ultimate
“Je suis tres, tres, tres fatiquee. Tu es tres, tres, tres paresseuse.”—Tina, Megan, and Jen sung to the tune of “Meet Me in St. Louis”
Others:
“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow…Whoohoo, Friday.”—written by a Brit. Lit. student on a Tuesday
“Remember to pillage before you burn”—Beth’s screen saver
“Pretend you’re on a train and one of your stops is Credibilityville.”—U of M law student
“The hopes and the dreams that they had dreamed.”—the same law student
“I’m going to fine you a dollar. This case should never have come to court.”—Judge at John’s bicycle hearing
“Then we check this to make sure it doesn’t fall off.” –Craig (said before airplane flight)
“Beware of the evil, greasy potato chip.”—Mr. Ackerman’s card (in English, German, French, Spanish, and Russian)
“I DARE YOU!”—Danforth tape
“They were the biggest damn jackrabbits I had ever seen.”—Callie’s dad
“Can you be helped?”—John’s mother
“Cool beans!”—Jackie Maas
“Hoosiers are Loosers.”—Nicole Boyles
CONVERSATIONS
Sam: We’re the nerd group.
Mrs. Weaver: Oh, the future leaders of America.
Michele: I’m having a crisis.
Beth: I’m playing cards.
John: Why don’t you take a trip down the cry me a river?
Michele: I’ll get the canoe.
Samantha: Don’t throw it.
Patrick: Throw it. Come on, Beth. I’ll catch it.
Beth: Looking flustered. I don’t know.
Patrick(to Sam): Stop it, Sam. You’ll make her cry. Look you’re making Jess cry too.
(As pop comes out Jess’ nose.)
Patrick: Do you sleep on your stomach?
Girl: NO
Patrick: Can I?
Sam: Can you drink milk and walk?
Beth: spilling milk S***!
Ungame: What do you dream about?
Jeff: Brendan
Clyde: Okay, Jeff, your turn.
John: His name is Joof.
Jeff: Yeah, goot it root, Clood.
Karl: Clay!
John: What?
Karl: I’m talking to Clay!
Michele: in Texan-British accent Are you rowing down there?
Jess: Why? Are you going to drop that brick on my head?
Michele: No, my friend is.
Jess: I’m more of a sidekick really.
Patrick: I think you’re on crack, Beth.
Beth: Yeah.
Patrick: Grope.
Michele: Thank you.
Michele: Towel?
Patrick: Yes, please.
Mr. Schwandt: This is terrible/awful/ridiculous.
Jeff: But not as terrible/awful/ridiculous as…the pants!
Tony: Who’s your sugar daddy?
Pat: You, Tony. Who’s yours?
Tony: You, Pat. Who’s your favorite diabetic?
Both: Niels!
Beth: These seats are hard.
Jess: But you’ve got to admit, it’s much better than Highview’s auditorium.
Beth: I don’t remember Highview’s auditorium.
Jess: That’s ‘cause we didn’t have one!
Jess (Playing Taboo): Kermit plays this!
Everyone: Banjo!
Jess: Well…maybe not
Jess: Did you eat snow?
Beth: No, I was a good kid!
Beth: Bridget’s ¾ poodle and ¼ cocker spaniel.
Jeff: How’d that happen?
Michele: Guess What?
Jess: What?
Michele: Chicken butt!
Sam: Jeff is a big stupid idiot
Jeff: I heard that.
Sam: So much for the mute button.
Sam: Some people might say your handwriting is from third grade.
Beth: Some people might say that, but they’d have to be killed.
John: Hey Jeff, what's the name of that store where Clyde shops?
Jeff: Why, that's Publix…
Karl: Where Clyde shops!
John: At Publix!
Jeff and Karl: Where Clyde shops!
John: So what you're saying is that Clyde shops at…
Karl: Publix!
John, Karl, and Jeff: Where Clyde shops!
AWARDS
Beth - Most yellow-bellied pair of friends, Best Jitterbug
Brendan - Best mortal combat fantasy, On fast track to Dordt college
Callie - Best Shape smeller
Clyde - I take too much crap from everyone award
Jen - Best pole dancer
Jess - Best quote, Best Ambassador of Q’an, “Santa wants to come home with you.”, Most yellow-bellied pair of friends
Meagan - Best dinosaur impression
Megan - Most normal
Michele - Best original song - “THE BAG LADY”,
Samantha- Best smashed orangutan viewed in the eighth dimension
Tina - Most likely to be in a Volkswagon commercial
MEMORIES
Anti-Sadie’s party and the infamous bet
X-files party and the duck fuzz and speedo scene (tennis or golf?)
Tom-Cruise-Athon (1-800-dreamon)
Kathy’s anti-prom party formal clothing incident (JEFF)
New Year’s Eve Party and the car dropping
Firecrackers at John’s b-day party
Sam’s surprise birthday party: helium tank, the gong at Khan’s, dinosaur and sea monkey impressions, and shape smelling
Brendan’s painted nails (this is an All Girl party)
Samantha’s punch drink (anti-Sadies)
John’s “Surprise” Bowling Birthday Party
Uninviting and re-inviting to Michele’s parties
Kathy’s birthday party and mini-golf
The re-lighting candles on John’s cake
Driving to Khan’s with Sam blindfolded (Sam wasn’t driving)
Discovering Mike Schwebach’s drinking party on Halloween
Donut party in Lit.
The Ying Yang Necklace Club—mini golf at Lavalinks for Megan’s party
Music Man at Jeff’s party
Ice sculpture for New Years
Lethal Luau—Jessica’s 16th birthday pary—Chief Wiki Wiki wearing women’s underwear
The orb’s different sounds—wibble wobble, wobble wibble—Star Trek game at Beth’s
Formal New Year’s Eve
Award Ceremony
Anti-Prom party and the beginning of Ultimate
Jeff’s Ultimate lump
Jess’s seven hit Ultimate catch at the Anti-Prom Party
Brendan’s “fair” Ultimate teams
Defending Tina in Ultimate games by making her laugh
The Ice Bowl
The Luftwaffe Frisbee
The Frisbee flying into the hockey rink
Megan’s black eye—“It’s all John’s fault” (The Frisbee)
Will jumping over the fence at Ultimate
All Quit on the Western Front
Group outing to see Saving Private Ryan
Murder by Death
Zulu
The Fairchild-Yutzman Vocational Matrix video
Making fun of Megan’s video library
Michael French video—two random people making out
Macbeth Roman Polansky head-cam
Macbreath
Racy London Previews
Watching Congo at Beth’s house
1941 - the movie
Jerry Maguire—50 times, Jessica’s house, her dad and the remote
Mr. Meyer’s heat register blowing up
Leaky cardboard ceilings
Clocks that never worked
Mrs. Weaver’s drain pipe
Movable walls
Short selling Ebay and Motorolla
Mr. Schwandt’s frickin’ cold room
John breaking desks
The bug zapping fence to keep the Mexicans out
Michele stealing half the school—asbestos tiles
Dr. Mason Grossman and the troika at the district service center (Yutzman and Fairchild)
Goodbye, Columbus
The Ron Patimkin handshake
Theme buses
Rodeo Round-up Review
Ich heiße nasty
Hearing Karl say a sentence for the first time
Callie’s Tahitian Treat spill on Sam’s white carpet
Jeff storming APUSH from time to time
APUSH is over cookout at a park near Jean’s house
Bowls vs. Teacups
Lunch movies and South Park
Mr. Forte’s pole dance (around Beth)
John’s semi-used, half eaten waffle cone at the Vikings game
Jeff’s ill-fated squeak clip
Jell-O eggs and “special” Jell-O eggs (with Vodka)
Teacup picture and society
Dress up teacup picture/paper doll on John’s wrapping paper
John’s gift setting off the alarm at Best Buy
The Muppet song
Catherine the Great’s death (horses)
Bash-Callie Day’s called by the royal decree of Tina
Callie’s dinosaur speech
Ambassadors of Q’an
Sam’s goth day
Mussolini’s violin
“Hi, Mr. Forte” pen
“Amit you make me vomit” song
Amit and Jen playing Twister in the back seat of the car
Julie’s psychosomatic Pregnancy
Tina’s Sea Monkeys
John and Tina getting hit by cars while biking (John’s citation for “illegally operating a bicycle”)
Corn-Maze
Leopard Boy and the Two Whores at the Rocky Horror Picture Show
Brendan’s Mortal Combat fantasy
The $1,000,000 prize computer game—“Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all.”
Library campfire and sit-in around asbestos tiles
Armadillo Eggs
Mythical state champions in first semester Honors Lit.
Ungames
John tries to fix Beth’s phone by pulling the cord out of the receiver
What sound does a platypus make?
Mr. Manley’s UFO sighting and home videos
Playing Catch Phrase
Poppers at the New Year’s Eve Party and John’s b-day
Mr. Iverson switching hands while he wrote
Calculus snacks/the Core Four/throwing candy at Brendan
Hitting the clicking ceiling in Mrs. Weaver’s room with a yardstick
Callie the paraplegic
Jeff’s 130 pounds
Beth the zebra-pig
John the Dalmatian-cow
Renaissance festival—Samantha’s dress purchase
Beth and Jessica’s promise to watch The West
Karl’s ten-minute speech—the only time we have heard him talk that long
Jess and Megan getting attacked by all of those birds in Venice
Jennifer the pole dancer
Jess and Jen’s “breastroke dance”
Maharishi School of Mangement
Jeff buying Michele’s soul, reselling it at a profit to Megan, Callie, and Tina, and Michele stealing 2/3 of it back (Tina do you still have the rest?)
Michele cutting Jeff’s hair
The Great Schism
Jeff in drag
Michele’s German video (Juanita)
Whan that Aprille
Nobel prizes for creating corn that can use atmospheric nitrogen and monopole magnet
Jess and Patrick Homecoming conspiracy—vote early, vote often
Jess and Patrick
Wallpapering Mr. Schwandt’s room with his old pictures
Team pictures
Julie and Beth buying underwear for Jen and then asking Jeff his opinion
The Underwear chain letter
The non-stop Dairy Queen Machine
Beth getting her butt slapped by the English guy
Beth’s drinking experience in Germany
Jess’ drinking experiences while visiting college campuses (the only girl to turn them down in their history)
Patrick the Rocky Virgin Princess
The “Big Int” case study
Callie’s skanky brown dress and tattoo
Tailgating at Homecoming
“Boxers or briefs” at Jessica’s New Year’s Eve
Stalking the IO guy
The island of Sa
Scary Alaskan guy in Sam and Jess’ research paper
John’s action shots of sledding at Hanson Park
Michele’s Dating Manifesto
John and Jeff getting Mrs. Weaver a La-Z-Boy recliner
Sitting in Beth’s driveway in the car listening to the Sugar Ray song
Mathnet
Folk festival and Science Museum
The flute guy who gave Michele money at the Folk Festival
The Fok Festival signs that fell down
Colorful plastic sticky hand-covers
Brendan leaving Samantha at school
Capital field trip detour
Car Wash Song
Flying Toasters of Death tie
Fine dining at Aurelio’s
Popcorn at Beth’s
Three-Way calling
The mute button
Band director jokes
Many trips to the U of M, the Weisman, and Northrop Auditorium (where a portion of The Heartbreak Kid was filmed)
The canceled Lit. final
The Ling glare
Schmerkin Bob and Schmerkin Bob II: The Sequel
A mechanical hamster-the pet that Tina can’t kill
The sea monkey mittens
The Scorpions
The Sex Pistols
Vodka Water
The lub-dub relaxation tape in H. P.
Ackerman’s tie
“Une Histoire”
Amit’s obsession with Ashes
The cute dog in Rothenburg
Operation Twinkie
B5+M2=?
The Girl Talk Games
Making Origami cranes for Jen
Not being able to break the seal
Megan’s first Beanie Baby
Zap!
Poke, poke!
You Don’t Know Jack (but Amit knows all the commercials)
Tricking Callie into giving Tina her locker combination so that Michele could put up Hanson pictures in her locker
Meagan almost walking into the men’s bathroom at the History Center at Folk Fest
Beth and Jess’s telephone marathons
Trial at U of M
Math team “practices”
Typical guy behavior
Beth and Jess’s escapade at the state fair with the hot guy with good hair (Beth’s dad saves the day?)
Jen being “Open 24 Hours”
Earrth Quuaake!!
Julie clinging to Beth in the London Dungeon
Being accused of being Can-Can dancers in the London Dungeon
Carhenge
Jill’s roll in the hay financed by Jeff
Egyptian Rat Race—Jen lunging for Jess
Hearts, Oh Hell, Cuts and Cans, Crazy Eights
Dividing up the countries of the world
Kathy’s soap opera
Mike’s scrunchie
Welcome to Greece
Alison on the phone with her mom and Jen in the background going “No Gustav, get off!”
Tribble
Peach popsicles
Bloody steaks
Pineapple ring “Where’s the ice cream?”
Silver bullet
Callie alien sighting
Badminton—the duct-taped racket
Being thrown out of the Italian restaurant in London
Being stuck in an Italian restaurant and Rebecca paying for everyone
Trips to Annie’s Parlor
Clyde the dog kicker
Pickle Hats
Light saber Chinese Yo-Yo’s and pens
Joe and Ryan’s kung fu fighting with no shirts on
Super horn football games
Lip syncing to Ghostbusters music
Callie as a subject for the hypnotist
The melting eyes of Hiroshima
Callie’s obsessions
Jess’ stay at Beth’s and Callie’s
Graduation speeches—June 15th (rather than the 14th)
Stephanie’s conversion speech at Baccalaureate
Mr. Thomson’s math speech
Grow-a-Date
Math team lunch at Khan’s
H.P.
TSI—Parking lot lady
DQ with Thompson (the one day Beth skipped class she missed the fun)
Thompson walking through a stick
Heathrow airport security taking bags if left for long and blowing them up
Larry at the Hippodrome
The super shoe cave being fixed with Duct tape
Beth’s grape juice that Callie spilled on Megan
Wuv, Twu Wuv [Love, True Love]
Satchmo
Fabricated war veterans
Michele getting pierced and her discounted Docs
Callie’s periwinkle ladybug Dr. Martins
Peter and the yellow umbrella—quarter past four, four fifteen
Morris the London bus driver hitting on everyone
Locking Jen in her room
Going to London and seeing all the Spice Girls stuff
Jen stealing Megan’s red light saber pen
Jeff’s near miss coming home from the play
Two lovers—ball bearing
Das Nilpferd, das Wellblech, Gamma Strahlen, das Blutfleck, einaugig
Craisen incident—Callie and Michelle throwing them at a lady’s hood
Seeing Sporty Spice and Brian Adams in London
The burning of the I into the Totino Grace Field by our football players—“They really are good kids.”
Beth’s backpack almost falling out the window at lunch
Congo board game
Killing Jeff with the spork in Brit. Lit. in four languages
Truth or Dare at Beth’s house
The “white-girl”
John drinking Patrick’s pop—Oops!
Marve the camera man
Concert at all-girls school
Sucha’s fly down during the concert
Shemale—the nurse in London
Product placement at London Dungeon coke and Pepsi
Pepsi Max
Nice Michele, Naughty Michele
Frolicking at the U
All the drunk people in London
Dodgy/Waky, Waky/Plasters
The trash lady in Leicester Square beating up the Hare Krishna
Megan spraining her ankle in London
Smashing Pumpkins concert—Michele body surfing
Bash Jeff day—“Jeff have you seen your shadow yet”
Perkins parking lot incident
Mailbox incident on the way to Jen’s open house
Begging for money at Perkins
Crappy Econ. Comics
Arguing test questions in APUSH
Cow jumped over the moon at the awards ceremony
Class for the hearing impaired—fire drill in 2nd hour Miss Weaver’s room
Cheesy snow globes
There are no kangaroos in Austria
Late nighter with Jess, Beth, Julie
Jess and Beth getting stuck on the ride at Mall of America
Counting fire extinguishers on the log chute ride
Do you want to touch my ass?
Hiding silverware at Perkins
Bakers Square nights
Michele/ Sam—sheep balls, religious discussions
Buddy pictures
Jen’s 200 IM—2 minutes
Hyperventilating for that superior rating
TSI project—Meagan, Jess, and Jen won
Calls from Mr. Otto
Math team wins first place at state
Forte’s definition of primary sources: the ones from which you get most of your information
Sam’s close encounter with bowling balls
Sammy/ Jake (Alison, Jess)
A Model Proposal
Sam coaching Beth about how to get a spine
Anti-Thanksgiving and Greedfest cards
Killer measuring cups
Sprengeri
Coffee shop hopping
Ungame on Jessica’s porch
Pixie sticks
Salinger/Conspiracy Theory—carrying a copy of Catcher in the Rye
Princess Di ads
Scrabble
Pooh sticks
Going to plays with Dr. Young
In the woods for APUSH
Yearbook page “Eye on Academics” with pictures of weight training and lunch
Getting too big for your britches
Red Rum and Forte’s reports
“Puppets”
Amit’s Indian accent
Midnight dance lessons from MacJill
Icky Bryan Shelstad
College essays
The “Spice Girls CD”
Leg warmers
Blackjack University
Watching Princess Bride in APUSH
Watching Welcome to the Dollhouse at Callie’s house
Interviews during storms
Fireworks and piñata at Kathy’s birthday party
Watching fireworks at the History Center—Which is the front door?
Moose—e-mail fun at Jean’s
“Call Police” and the Cuban drug lords that steal papers
Capture the Flag
Poking eye out sticks
Eye patches
Beth’s ill-fated Chia Pet
Brendan losing his keys
The bendy things by Megan’s house
Nuruddin Farah
Almost winning the food drive in Lit.
Schwandt subsidized pizza party
Honors Lit. hierarchy: Schwandt->Field Marshall-> Row Captains->Just Folks
Übel Kuh
Treat-or-trick
Wishing wells
Seeing eye dogs
Seeing eye horses
Commies—spies
Walks
Swings
Totem pole
Pig farms
Bridget
Rearranging Mrs. Weaver’s desks
Writing messages to Brit. Lit class in Comp
Quote day in APUSH
Football team—we’re improving
Kazoo shopping
Tuna sandwiches for lunch
Sidekicks and power ties
Pooh
Cheating at the Corn Maze
Patrick and Jess going Goth for Halloween
Jen/ Jess “I Am the Cheese” Beatles project
Europe trips
The exotic dancing class at Mount Holyoke
The giant bug on Beth
Fantasy football
Callie’s driver’s license
Olive branch
Dating book to be written by Michele and Jess with help from Samantha (because she is the only one that has been on a date)
Amit’s top ten “if you will” checklist for Forte
The scary bridge
Swing dancing
Smashing Pumpkins/ REM/ Rolling Stones
1st Ave.—the coffee shop/ Honey Dogs
Jess’s car incidents—driving at night with sunglasses, trying to figure out how to work the defrost, hitting the recycling bin, stopping in the middle of the intersection
Tam’s Rice Bowl after volunteering at MHS—no fortune for Beth
Lava lamps
Grendal: Frau Cow, Kathy Lee, Hanson, Spice Girls
Honors Geography/ World History
The Onion
The Hunt
The Simpsons
The X-Files
La Boum
Midway
Kate Winslet (Winslut)
Custom wrapping paper
Clyde buys his own birthday cake
Conga-Rats - You did it!
Kathy’s list of forbidden topics: bodies, porn, cars, Gerard Depardieu, French movies
Kick Some Asymptote
Where’s Prachi?
T.P. on Sam and Brendan’s trees
Charred dinners at Boy Scout camp
Spider sniffing
Callie’s commentary on the water skiing tapes—futile rescue attempts
Conversation pauses every seven minutes
Playing Life Stories and celebrating each other
NICKNAMES
Ackerman: The Mighty Ack
Amit: Awesome A, Ahmo, The Gossip, Rinaldo, Mac Daddy
Beth: MacBeth, MacBeeth, The Secret Weapon, Fifi
Brendan: Broindis, Brendo, Fuzzball, Trendy Brendy, Bebeto
Callie: Fluid Girl, Lieutenant Callie, the Paraplegic
Clyde: Clode, Cleed, Clippy, Clip, the Clipper, Cloudy, Cloud, Clood, the Clap, Clodeo, Clink, Clank, Clope, Clydeascope, Clang, Clam, Clack, Clard, Clod, the Clapper, Cloop, Cloof, Cletus, Clay, and any other word starting with the letters ‘CL’
Eric: The One-Armed Wonder
Jean: IBMer
Jeff: Mac-I, Half-Breed, Joof, Joiffis, J.P., Jeffaroo, Misterrrrrrrrrrrrrr Jeff, Jeffarino, Stick Boy
Jessica: Jess, The Fool on the Hill, Piglet, Patticca
Jill: Ugly Knees
Joe: Joe-Joe, Joe “Sta” Lin, NIKOS…KAZANTAZAKIS!
John: Joindis, “The Pope”
Julie: Jules
Karl: Kaaa, Noisy Karl
Lee: The Bee
Kathy: Kit-Kat, Wild Kat
Meagan: Meggo, Meg
Megan: Moogie
Michele: Tigger, the burrito
Miles: Kilometers
Nathan: Newt, Newtie Bear
Patrick: Patricia, Nature Boy
Rob: Robbo-bobbo, Ribbo Bibbo, Insane Amish Homie
Shawn: Raddatz When the Walls Fell Down
Tina: Tuna, Owl, Dunga
Tom: Tahmeese
Weaver: Leave it to Weaver, The Weave, Ach du Weaver, To Weave or Not to Weave
SONGS
THE AMIT SONG:
Amit, you make me vomit
And your shoes are as bright as a comet.
Your figure is such a beautiful sight
Why don’t you wear something tight?
To the club you always go
Why is it that your muscles don’t show?
Your laugh is so funny
Why won’t you be my honey?
And you think you’re so cool
But you’re nothing but a fool.
SOMETHING'S MISSING from The Muppet Show
I've got two wheels on my tricycle
and four toes on each foot
I've got six days in my week
and up with this I will not put
I'm a bath without a plug
and I'm a handle with no jug
I'm a kiss without a hug unless you're near me
I've got three strings on my violin
and I'm an only twin
Something's missing, something's missing, something's __-__-ing
Well, my cat has only got eight lives,
he chases two blind mice
On my birthday, when I get three cheers,
they only cheer me twice
I'm an oil well with no oil
and I'm a plant that has no soil
I'm a kettle that won't boil unless you're near me
Two and two make three when I add;
you're an orphan, says my dad
Something's missing, something's missing, something's __-__-ing
But, whenever you come close to me,
my life is all complete
No longer do I have four toes,
no longer two left feet
I'm a playground full of swings
and I'm an eagle with his wings
I'm a nightingale that sings because you're near me
Now, my love, I beg you stay 'cause,
when you stay, then I can say
Nothing's missing, nothing's missing, nothing's mi……ssing!
SONGS LYRICS BY JEFF
(I’ll Be Doing Math) For The Longest Time
Music by Billy Joe
Oh, oh oh oh-four plus five is nine-oh oh oh-three times three is
I could not multiply ‘til third grade
That’s why I’m not in HP today (oh oh oh)
And I met John in high fifth grade math with Jorgensen
Been out of Bel Air for the longest time
Oh, oh oh oh-three plus two is five-oh oh oh-six minus one
I recall variables with Linden
X’s and Y’s were quite scary then (oh oh oh)
And I had fun see learning angles with Super Larski
Glad I’ve not had Tenold for the longest time
Hey, no sweat, I can do problems of the week
But that Tenold, boy, he was such a geek
Taught a unit based on “The Pit and Pendulum”
It lasted a month and it I learned little from
I was in the crunch course but twelve days
Dropped so I could be in the fall play (oh oh oh)
Workload was too heavy so I learned from Palmer then Olszanski
If you call that learning it took a long time
On my tests I hope to get all A’s
But I never study, just play video games
Functions, graphing, and identities
Oh, how I fear taking Calc taught by Grunke
Sam and Joe are in the UMTYMP
Meanwhile I struggle with this junk (oh oh oh)
And it just bugs I not knowing the exact value of pi
That decimal goes on for the longest time
It’s three point one four one five nine two six five and on forever
Now I’m in Thompson’s excellent class
Absorbing trig functions with much distress (oh oh oh)
Doin’ Precalculus even though it might seem worthless
I’ll be doing math for the longest time
Oh, oh oh oh-maybe ‘til I die-oh oh oh-telling kids about sines-oh oh oh-computing all my life-
Oh oh oh-on my TI-85-oh oh oh-for the longest time-oh oh oh-mm mm mm
Trip Me
Music by Sixpence None The Richer
Trip me
And make me fall on the floor
Owee! Hit my head on the door
Please, please, please call nine-one-one
‘Till my skull cracked it was all games and fun
Oh, trip me
So I get a concussion
Bring me a bunch of smelling salts
Wave your open hands, get someone fast who will pour on the gas to the hospital
You tripped me
Trip me
At the top of a stairwell
Falling, down a few flights I will
Ring, ring; the ambulance bell
It blares and takes me and I feel like hell
Oh, trip me
My right arm’s broke and it hurts
Bring me anesthesia for it
Fix my kneecaps too; NO! don’t use glue!
You really are a fool, gosh you’re so stupid
You tripped me
(Musical Interlude)
Trip me
Now I’ll go get my lawyer
Hee, hee; just wait ‘till you get sued
I want your money, I’m so greedy and I’ve not been shopping in thirteen long weeks
So trip me
So trip me
So trip me
So trip me
Bright Lights (for Second Semester Intro to Fiction Class of ’99)
Music by Billy Joel
Got a visit from Michael today; you were never close
Stealing silverware together wasn’t bonding
He said you’ve forgot the family then punched you in the nose
But soon apologized for the whole, messy thing
You don’t need Amanda anymore; you’ve got bright lights
You’ve got Tad and all the Bolivian you’ll need
Feel free to have a fling or two when out at night
Just don’t try to start anything with Stevie
You don’t think Amanda will offer you a second chance (You don’t think she’ll offer you)
You don’t think that she really wanted a true romance (You do not think)
She just wanted to be
Trailer Park Land free
She’ll model a clothes line
But not on your time
“Do you know what would be the sweetest revenge?” Tad said
“Let’s go hide that ferret in Clara’s desk drawer.”
So late one night you sneaked in with your cuddly pal, Fred
The next morning Alex was passed out on the floor
You don’t need Amanda anymore; you’ve got bright lights
Megan will help you out anytime that you need
Go tell Clara to shove it, that’s a Fact that’s been Verified
Try to start you’re life over again with Vicki
You don’t think Amanda will offer you a second chance (You don’t think she’ll offer you)
You don’t think that she really wanted a true romance (You do not think)
She just wanted to be
Trailer Park Land free
She’ll marry Odysseus
Who’s probably a wuss
You don’t need Amanda anymore; you’ve got bright lights
Eat your bread, learn again, you must go slowly
(You don’t need her you’ve got bright lights)
(You don’t need her you’ve got bright lights)
(You don’t need her you’ve got bright lights)
Samantha, You’re The Top! (for Samantha Livingston)
Music by Cole Porter
I’ve known you six years and I want you to hear some things I have to tell
And I do not want to yell, over Michele, or Noisy Karl
This is a serious song and it won’t take long, I swear it ain’t no sham
It’s a form of expression that states with perfection exactly how I feel about you, Sam!
You’re the top! You’re a real neat kiddo!
You’re the top! A bowl filled with Jello!
You’re a full tank of gas, a Mrs. Weaver class, a root beer
You’re an A from Forte, non-regulation shorts, and Matt Damon’s ears
I can see, it’s as clear as a bell
Why you’re the Ambassador of Q’an to Michele
And I can take the pain when anger you feign so don’t stop
I love your little mind games, you’re the top!
You’re the top, as in rank in our class
That’s because you have busted your ass
Taking all kinds of courses, working like a horse, but I’ll bet
On it you’ll rely when you apply to MIT and Cal Tech
You study a load, tough to stop you when you’re rolling
That’s why you say no when I want to take you bowling
But that’s no bummer ‘cause during summer I won’t be stopped
So study on into the night ‘cause you’re the top!
Someday soon I hope that we’ll go
Up Hamline Avenue and back to Aurelio’s
And if like you say you wanna help pay I won’t moan
Once we’re filled, we’ll split the bill and take the leftovers home
You’re so cute, and I’m sorry about your cheek, see
But I’ll tell you, I think scars are sexy
So if you get one there you’ll have matching pair and be hot
Still it’s better to stay healthy when you’re the top!
I won’t lie, no Pinocchio will I be
Those puppy eyes, they cast a spell over me
John says I am weak but I’m just a geek who will drop
Whatever I’m doing to help you, you’re the top!
Next Valleyfair, I’ll drive you home, I swear, ‘cause you’re the top!
Clydie (for Clyde Cady)
Music by The Association
Who’s mopin’ all around Irondale
Takin’ crap from Karl, John, and Jeef
Someday I’m sure he’ll say a good comeback
Everyone knows it’s Clydie
He and Karl are in the orchestra
Plus the class taught by dumb, old Forte
Take and if you will for all practical purposes
Everyone knows it’s Clydie
And Clydie has wavy hair
Sometimes he gives a blank stare
And Clyde plays cards with the guys
But loses most of the time (most of the time, most of the time, most of the time)
We call him Clid, Clode, and Cleed
He loves books by Tom Clancy
Clyde goes swimming at the club
Where he flub-a-dubs (he flub-a-dubs, he flub-a-dubs, he flub-a-dubs)
Someone has the best mom in the world
Try her cookies, I’m sure you’ll agree
Sure buddy, let’s go over to your house
Everyone knows it’s Clydie
And who’s got five, soon to be six siblings
So far the coolest one is Stewie
Believe pal, we all feel for you
Everyone knows it’s Clydie
I Want To Write You On My Tax Form, Baby
Music (and some lyrics) by Richie Rainville
On April fourteenth I was writin’ to the IRS, babe
I was goin’ through receipts and my W-Twos
I found a brochure from our MLT vacation
And I thought of all the good times I’ve had with you
I called you up on my portable speed-dial phone, babe
Asked you if you’d like to marry me
I’m lookin’ to claim “two” on this year’s tax form
And who knows, maybe next year we’ll claim “three”
I want to write (write) write (write) write you on my tax form, baby
I want to claim (claim) claim (claim) claim you as “dependency”
Because if you’re (you’re) you’re (you’re) you’re on my tax form, baby
Then we won’t have to file separately
Right now I’m in the lowest tax bracket, babe
Right now I’m as lonely as can be
But if you make me rich with you’re love, babe
Then my wealth would rival the GDP
I don’t earn that much, I’m not loaded, babe
But I want money for nothin' and chicks for free
So if, together, we earn less than fifty thou, babe
Remember, we could use form E-Z
I want to write (write) write (write) write you on my tax form, baby
I want to claim (claim) claim (claim) claim you as “dependency”
Because if you’re (you’re) you’re (you’re) you’re on my tax form, baby
Then we won’t have to file separately
There’s lots of tax breaks to be had, babe
Lots of ways to save on the Ten-Forty
And if you’d just give me your hand, babe
My joy would jump-start the economy
I want to write (write) write (write) write you on my tax form, baby
I want to claim (claim) claim (claim) claim you as “dependency”
Because if you’re (you’re) you’re (you’re) you’re on my tax form, baby
Then we won’t have to file separately
Don’t you know I want to write (write) write (write) write you on my tax form, baby
That’s why I’m down (down) down (down) down on my bended knee
I got this ring (ring) ring ‘cause I want you on my tax form, baby
Come on baby and marry me!
Soprano Man (for Joe Lin)
Music by Billy Joel
It’s seven fifty on a Monday
The Concert Choir shuffles in
Sarah is sitting here next to me
On my left is my good friend Joe Lin
I say, “Joe can you sing me a melody?”
As a din begins to fill the room
He slowly opens up his red folder
And pulls out “Ave Verum”
Ave Verum Corpus Natum
Sing for us Joe, you’re Soprano Man
Sing us a song today
‘Cause the choir is sitting here restlessly
And I don’t think that they want to stay
Little Joe was once a Metro choirboy
Went to Switzerland and France
As a first soprano he had a glorious time
Now he sings high when given the chance
Ave Verum Corpus Natum
There are two tenors in the Concert Choir
One is Joe and the other is Jeff
Sadly I can’t read music, please Joe, sing our part
But he’s busy hitting a high F
Ah, ah, ah ah ah ah, ah ah, ah ah ah, ah ah
Sing for us Joe, you’re Soprano Man
Sing us a song today
‘Cause the choir is sitting here restlessly
And I don’t think that they want to stay
So you see now it’s time for the Spring Concert
And Mr. O is looking distressed
Because we only know three of our six songs
Hope we don’t cause the audience unrest
But I’m not worried about the tenors two
Joe really seems to know every song
I will not be enraged as we enter the stage
And we’ll just pray that nothing goes wrong
Ave Verum Corpus Natum
You sang for us Joe, you’re Soprano Man
You sang out the songs with might
Now the Concert Choir is much happier
Just knowing you got the words right
Yes, you sang for us Joe, you’re Soprano Man
Oh, you sang out the songs with might
And you know Joe that I’m so grateful to you
Because you helped me get my notes right
Thank You For The English (for Mrs. Mary Beth Weaver)
Music by ABBA
First day freshman year, we were scared to walk in the door
We thought seniors would be mean and push us on the floor
But within two weeks you said with a glow
“Your class has potential”; how did you know?
You are one smart cookie
Thank you for language arts and HP
And us say thank you for the English; it started out right
We flew like Adam on his bike
We learned faster than Charlie solved complexities
We’re filled with glee ‘cause we did not read Tale of Two Cities
So us say thank you for the English
For teaching it to we
Brit. Lit. was harder than anything we’d had before
Well, not day to day but those tests we did not amour
Honors College English was kinda tough too
Because Jess’s and Jeff’s class was like a zoo
Seniors got on your nerves
We juniors tried hard not to perturb
And us said thank you for the English; essays we’re writing
Class is up, our nails we’re biting
We’d be no place without the writing skills you have weaned
Things would be bleak if we’d not read Beowulf and MacBeeth
So us say thank you for the English
For teaching it to we
Honors Composition
Showed what being in college means
We honed our skills in composing quite long works
Partner research to ethnography
Thank you for the English and four big papers
In them we described our capers
From personal essay to review to conferencing
Now we’re ready for St. Ben’s, U of M, Tufts, MIT
So us say thank you for the English
For teaching it to we
So us say thank you for the English
For learning it to we
Run Me Over
Music by Alanis Morrisette
In the ER is where I lay
I now wish that I had looked both ways
You came from nowhere
Right now, my legs, I cannot feel
Each bone broken from head down to heel
My spine is all twisted
You’ve already run me over; sucks to be me
But you weren’t alarmed when my head was kicked by my feet
You only sped off to avoid the chasing police car
You know you broke the Samaritan law
Surgery done, I’m in full body cast
As I am leaving, your Chevy comes speeding past
Here we go again
You’ve already run me over, two times this week
With the damage to my cerebrum, things look bleak
But what I don’t get is why you have a death wish for me
I’m sure that sane is what you can’t be
In my hospital bed I am watching the news
The policemen are restraining you
Looks like you’re finished
But no, what’s this now: you’ve broken free
Running are you to the room housing me
And then you burst in
“You killed my dog!” you scream, choking me
I recall hitting him with my Caddy
Sparky is gone now
Sparky is gone now
It seems I ran your dog over Monday at three
Now it makes sense that you sought to get even with me
And if you please stop strangling me I’ll by you a new pooch
Just name him Rover, Fido, or Scoob
It seems I ran your dog over Monday at three
Now it makes sense that you sought to get even with me
And if you please stop strangling me I’ll by you a new pooch
See he stays off of Fifth Avenue
Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! AAAARRRRF!
Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! AAAARRRRF!
Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! Arf arf arf! AAAARRRRF!
See he stays off of Fifth Avenue
Clyden Cader (for Clyde Cady)
Music by Weezer
What’s with this always calling Clyde Clode?
Cleed Clink Clope Clard Cliff Clod
Why does he have so many nicknames?
Made up by Jeff and John
Woo hoo, and we call him Clode
Woo hoo, and we call him Clod
Woo hoo, at least we don’t call him Bob
Oh way oh das ist our friend Clyden Cader
Oh oh and he is a big goofball
I don’t care what Kar says about that anyway
He don’t say much at all
(Musical Interlude)
It began the time we wanted to rhyme Clyde’s
Name with pronouns in songs
“Me” rhymed with “Cleed” and “you” rhymed with “Clood” and
“I-Clyde” was there all along
Woo hoo, so we sang things neat
Like “Nobody knows it but Cleed”
Woo hoo, soon each song was about he
Oh way oh das ist our friend Clyden Cader
He wishes we’d never changed his name
But John and I are so easily amused that we’ll
Keep calling him “The Clap”
Or names like “Click” and “Clack”
Soon any word that began
With “CL” was fair game for the plan
Tina likes the name “Cloud”
Patrick shouts “The Clipper” out loud
Meagan still seems to be confused
She says, “What’s all of this hullabaloo?”
Whattsamatta whattsamatta whattsamatta Clood?
Don’t you like all of the names for you?
(Musical Interlude)
At least we don’t call him Bob (we don’t call him Bob)
Oh way oh das ist our friend Clyden Cader
And he’s a good sport about this deal
At the U he’ll miss being called a dozen things
John, take care of that
John, take care of that
John, take care of that
John, take care of that
Callie (for Callie Hutchison)
Music by George Gershwin
About a girl I now will sing
She lives on Fourteenth Street
Some say her dad is Stephen King
Yes, let me tell you about Callie
When she was young she used to shiver
At her house in Fridley
‘Cause you know it’s cold down by the river
Now New Brighton’s the home of Callie
She has some problems with her nose that have got doctors perplexed
When Fluid Girl comes over stock up on Kleenex
And just to piss of Michele
She’s yelled, “Hi Mr. Forte!”
“Hey, Callie go to Hell!” screamed Michele
“Because you are a whore cookie!”
For skating Callie has a knack
But she hurt herself recently
They shot some fluid in her back
She’s been off of the ice for twelve weeks
She wants a husband with great pecs
Why? Well, obviously
His only use will be for sex
His I.Q. need not be over three
Everybody jumps for joy when Tina stands up to say,
“By Royal Decree today’s Bash Callie Day!”
Go on a date I thought we should
To Perkin’s and a movie
But I can’t compete with Hollywood
And stars Matt, Ben, and David Duchovny
Callie does the Xena yell
But what’s even more scary
She once dreamt she was Gabrielle
Oh, the horror and the agony
I’m afraid Callie might get round
‘Cause she loves Sno Ball snack treats
And tends to eat them by the pound
Let’s pray she sees the age of twenty
So here’s wishing you long life, Callie
Here We Come, We’re The Nerd Group
(for The Girls and Guys of “The Nerd Group”)
Music by Billy Joel
Anti-Sadie’s famous bet, Zebra Pig, Ultimate
APUSH cookout, ‘Who’s Ralph Lauren?’, Teacups versus Bowls
Dalmation Cow, movable walls, trips to Weisman, Aurelio’s
Tom Cruise-A-Thon, E-CO-NOM-ICS, Michele steals her soul
‘Bring the ruckus’, Corn Maze, X-Files Party, Catch Phrase
Anti-Prom, ‘Well screw you!’, ‘Don’t need this hullabaloo!’
Register blows, Zulu, ‘It’s not personal’, boozers lose
Firecrackers, body piercing, ‘Shoosh up’, and ‘I DARE YOU!’
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
We don’t smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O
Tailgating, Power Tie, ‘Return to formation flight’
‘FIELD MARSHALL!’, hit by cars, shall we now ‘circle up’
‘Whoa whoa, Daddy-O. The big ‘I’ rules, doncha know’
Karl say something, New Year’s Eve saw the car drop
Rodeo Round-Up, sea monkey, Homecoming Conspiracy
Luftwaffe, Folk Festival, ‘Candy Boys, see you in Hell!’
Complex question, shapes smell, Raddatz When The Walls Fell
‘Bad News Bears’, Cut Jeff’s hair, ‘Schickelgruber? Please spell.’
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
We don’t smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O
Concern, Quiet, Consciousness, Highway 10 Alias
‘Dead is the King!’, ‘Long live the King!’
‘Have you seen your shadow?’, Eggs Armadillo
‘Frickin’ Star Wars’, ‘Force the Queen’, ‘Mated with a scorpion’
‘Hundred thou increments’, Vodka Jell-O eggs, The Pants
Gabloffel, pop spills, ‘Take and if you will’
‘Sex and pizza’, ‘Watch out!’, ‘This must come down’, ‘Good that sounds’
Matrix Video, bitch knees, ‘Nikos Kazantzakis!!!’
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
We don’t smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O
Hemingway, Nannerman, nuts of Bavarians
Ron Patimkin, Beth’s the Secret Weapon
Mighty Ack, Leave it to Weave, Trendy Brendy, Dunga, Cleed
J.P., Brendo, “Sta” Lin, Gossip Ahmo
Kit Kat, Rinaldo, IBMer, Robbo Bobbo
Nature Boy, Moogie, Cloif, One-Armed Wonder, The Bee, Joif
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
We don’t smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O
‘Hack cough choke die! That’s the freshman battle cry!’
‘Shoot. What? Rollers. Naw. Yeah. Shoot.’, bowlers
Amit Come Lately makes sense, Weaver says John is dense
Ukulele: hick mandolin, ‘My dumb brother? I’ll look for him’
Most Normal, Orangutan Viewed in the 8th Dimension
Track to Dordt, Dino Impression, Yellow-Bellied Pair of Friends
Bag Lady original song, Best Ambassador of Q’an
Jitterbug, ‘Home Santa Will Come’
Too Much Crap From Everyone!
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
We don’t smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
Just look at us go for that twelve point O (point O point O point O point O point O point O)
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
We don’t smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
We don’t smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
We don’t smoke or drink, do not do drugs, just think
Here we come, we’re the Nerd Group
Just look at us go strive for that twelve point O
Bye Bye to Irondale High (for The Girls and Guys of “The Nerd Group”)
Music by Don McLean
A long, long time from now
I’ll always remember how our group members used to make me smile
From finding I’ve been underpaid to Jess saying, “I must get laid”
And campfires around asbestos tiles
Come September we will say goodbye to each other and even you Clyde
But look not ahead fools; first pass College in the Schools
All the “experts” say it feels great the moment that you graduate
But, for now, I can wait to leave the cardboard crate
Bye bye to Irondale High
Where the parking lot is Swiss cheese and the silverfish thrive
And where a guys’ and girls’ group two years has combined
Saying, “Please turn up the heat or we’ll die, please turn up the heat or we’ll die”
Did you know our group was set when the girls to Sam had lost a bet?
One that kept us from Sadie’s
How instead while outside it was dark we played the Un game, watched South Park
And learned of Brendan’s Mortal Kombat fantasy
We all gathered round and had a seat where Callie once spilled Tahitian Treat
This time we got it right when somebody dumped a Sprite
At the time we obviously didn’t know Sam would dress in Goth, Jeff would buy Michele’s soul
New Year’s Eve awards were down the road the day we became a whole
But now we’re singin’ bye bye to Irondale High
Where the cardboard ceilings leak and Weaver has a drain pipe
Schwandt’s room’s so cold our tears freeze before we can cry
Begging, “Please turn up the heat or we’ll die, please turn up the heat or we’ll die”
Now, for two years we’ve searched low and high for new names for our good friend Clyde
But, it goes beyond Clode and Cleed
Basically, words starting with ‘CL’ are Jim Dandy for this living hell
So call him Cloifis, Cloudy, Clap, Clippy
Other groupies have nicknames also like Broindis, Noisy Karl, Joe-Joe
Tuna, Lieutenant, Joindis; Fluid Girl, MacBeeth, and Joifis
Fuzzball, Patricia, Kar, Jumpin’ J; Tigger, The Pope, and Awesome A
Secret Weapon, who made up these crazy names?
Moogie, someday we’ll pay (if we run for office)
Bye bye to Irondale High
Where floor-sitting’s unprofessional in St. Peter’s eyes
Schwandt’s wall has old pics, Weave’s La-Z-Boy reclines
We still plead, “Turn up the heat or we’ll die, please turn up the heat or we’ll die”
Great Googley Moog, in Forte’s room you can take and co-mingle, a strategic boo-boo
Too little too late, you struck dumb duuuuuuuuuupe…
There was Karl’s “wake of wakiness” and a pole dance between Forte and Beth
One day alive, the next Schmerkin Bob was dead
The lunchtime movies were a bit better than the Front where All had “Quit”
The first Bash Callie Day came after Michele’s “Hi Mr. Forte!”
‘The biggest jackrabbits’, ‘I’m an American’; one was ‘damn’, the other ‘dammit’
Dinosaur Speech, Clyde’s blob, the pen
We were on top of it (just like King Henry)
Bye bye to Irondale High
Where there’s Jell-O Eggs aplenty but the squeak clips all die
Assume the position in case of a fire
Screaming, “Please be my buddy or I’ll die, please be my buddy or I’ll die”
Jeff was shocked, stunned, taken aback when elbowed at Ooltimoot by Zach
Michele don’t need your pity notes
So come on John be nimble, John get psyched, John illegally operated a bike
And also ate a secondhand waffle cone
“Oh BOSH!” Meagan might say to thee when learning of Twister in the backseat
As crazy as it sounds, Jeff’s 130 pounds
Jess and Pat were Homecoming nominees while Beth got slapped by an English freak
And at school Brendan Sam would leave
That made her a bit peeved (My bro’s an idiot!)
Bye bye to Irondale High
Where the Car Wash song is sung in Toasters of Death tie
Orthopedic shoes make walking so nice
Still, “Please turn up the heat or we’ll die, please turn up the heat or we’ll die”
Whan that Aprille I caught up with Jules and I asked her when she was due
From her psychosomatic pregnancy
Then I saw Joe, Moogie, and John, three never made Ambassadors of Q’an
Writing nonsense in their planners daily
And at a teacup picture girls gawked, the Manifesto told to date not
I couldn’t stop Amit at the rim, Could only hope to contain him
And the three men we know must be wild: Grossman, Yutzman, and Phairchild
At the Service Center they’re exiled
Still Patrick is one’s child
The troika’s singin’… bye bye to Irondale High
We’re off to graduate now at Roy Wilkins at night
It’s been lots of fun, still there’s no need to cry
Just shout, “Please turn up the heat or we’ll die, please turn up the heat or we’ll die”
We’re all singin’ bye bye to Irondale High
Where the parking lot is Swiss cheese and the silverfish thrive
And where a guys’ and girls’ group two years has combined
Saying, “Please turn up the heat or we’ll die”
WRITINGS
Hey people!
We are making a book. It is a book with memories in it. You might even say it is a memory book. So we suppose you may want to put some of your memories in the book. Since we aren’t totally opposed to your existence, we are considering allowing you to contribute some of your memories to the book. You may submit your entries for approval to Sam, Michele, MacBeth, or Jess. We will accept the following:
• Quotes – don’t forget to attribute them to someone (e.g. “I just gotta get laid before I die!” –Jessica)
• Key words or very short phrases (e.g. Second hand ice-cream sundaes) w/short explanation
• College choice or after high school plans
• E-mail address and/or phone numbers
• Short writings (e.g. The Manifesto)
• Clever essays (e.g. Dr. Seuss – John and Joe this means you)
• Group pictures
• A senior picture or acceptable equivalent (if you fail to provide a current photo, we will hunt you down and break your knees…Tina, we are speaking directly to you!)
• A baby picture (Tina please read the above parenthetical statement again)
• Fantasy football stats.
• Guy stuff
• Other
All submissions should be submitted to the aforementioned people in the following format:
• Photos should be in an envelope with your name on it in blue or black ink. Photos will be returned to you.
• Submissions of text should be legibly printed in blue or black ink or typed, double-spaced, Times New Roman 12-point font, with standard margins.
• All entries that are written in pencil, folded, spindled, mutilated, are not up to our high standards or are just plain pathetic will be laughed at with glee and then burned for the sake of humanity.
• Entries with obscene language or lewd overtones will be accepted by Michele!
All submissions must be submitted by April 15. All entries received after the April 15 deadline will be made into paper airplanes and origami aminals for the amusement of the staff.
All submissions are subject to the approval of the committee of the Joint Chiefs of Staff’s Joint Legal Advisory Committee’s Personal Assistant’s Chefs. All decisions by said committee are final and legally binding. So quit your bitchin’. So don’t give us none of your guff. Shut your pie and/or cake hole. We don’t really care. Frankly my dear, we don’t give a damn. And this is not the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Post High School Plans
By Tina Byun
I plan to attend college at Northwestern University for a year and then drop out because of all of the preps. Much to the chagrin of a certain loser I know, I will join the Marines and become well acquainted with wilderness survival techniques and many weapons. I will also make many friends to be called upon later. Then I will disappear from civilization never to be seen or hear from, hiding out in the Rocky mountains somewhere near the border between the United States and Canada. I will reside there without any connection with the outside world, hunting my own meat, picking my own berries, and spearing some fish. During this period of seclusion I will secretly recruit followers to aid me in my take over of the United States of America. I will have much weaponry stolen from my days in the military and will use it to obtain my goals. My old Marines friends will also assist me here. After I have completed the hostile take over, I will appoint people to head different sections of the nation. I do remember my friends and will provide for those who were friendly to me. I strongly suggest remaining on my good side during the next year when you will have ample opportunity to remain in contact with me. Many e-mails, letters, and phone calls are strongly recommended if you wish to be considered for high ranking positions. My enemies will be tortured and persecuted without mercy so take heed to my warnings.
Ingredients of the Present Day Cauldron
By Jeff Rawitsch for Mrs. Weaver’s Brit. Lit.
The ingredients in this cauldron, like the devil,
Must be those of the purest evil;
Splintered wood and broken glass,
Mr. Forte’s wonderful class
Stomach flu and the unscratchable itch,
Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich,
Organized Crime and all of its schemes,
Brussel sprouts and lima beans,
Loss of hearing and cataracts,
Kevin Garnett’s multi-million-dollar contract,
Bankruptcy and overwhelming debt,
Chewing tobacco and cigarettes,
Rusty nails sticking out of crates,
The Minnesota Vikings’ play of late,
Irondale band blue blazer vests,
And Mrs. Weaver’s essay test.
Is there anything I have forgot?
Please do add it to this pot.
Macbeth: Act I, Scene VII in the style of Dr. Seuss
Written by John Secord and read by Joe Lin for Mrs. Weaver’s Brit. Lit
Macbeth: If I do the deed,
If I do the deed,
It should be quick,
When I do the deed.
But if I do the thing,
To the king,
The thing may torture,
Back to me bring.
I should not put the king to death.
I should not on my honor as Macbeth.
I should not, should not in his sleep.
I should not, should not in my keep.
I should not, should not for you see,
The good king is related to me.
What is this?
I hear feet.
L. Macbeth: The king is ready to eat,
And you have left your seat.
Macbeth: No further in this business will we go,
For honors upon me the king did bestow.
L. Macbeth: Why are you now so meek,
Letting loose thoughts make you weak?
Macbeth: I am a man,
Lady Macbeth, I am, I am.
L. Macbeth: If you did this easy thing,
You could be the king.
You would be more than a man.
You could be “Macbeth the King-I-Am.”
Macbeth: But what if things don’t go well.
They will cut off our heads,
And we will go to a bad place.
L. Macbeth: Then we go to a bad place,
But if you get strong,
Nothing will go wrong.
I will drug the guards he keeps,
And you will kill him while he sleeps.
Macbeth: Say!
I would like to put the king to death.
I do, I do, Lady Macbeth.
I would do it in his sleep.
I would do it in my keep.
I would put the king to death.
Thank you, thank you, Lady Macbeth.
A Model Proposal
By Michele Hunter for Mrs. Weaver’s Brit. Lit
1.22.98
It would appear that in this day and age, despite a rather ingenious proposal by one Jonathan Swift, the world is still in much need of a way to feed the many impoverished people living among us. Yes, it is true and sadly so, that even today there are people who do not have enough to eat. Granted, there are those of us who in one week throw away enough food to feed an entire town. But how can we be expected to eat things that do not look appetizing, such as leftovers? As for the ever troubled citizens of high society that have enough to do worrying about whether it would be more appropriate to serve caviar or escargot as an appetizer at their next dinner party: leave them to their worries. There are, however, a few sacrificing people who bravely go out into the wilds of the world to make commercials to help raise awareness of this problem that we face—much of the time at great risk of getting their designer khakis dirty and their overpriced Eddie Bauer hiking boots scuffed. These saintly souls bravely campaign to make us all aware that some unfortunate young girl named Maria is forced to share an orange rind with her seven brothers and sisters for dinner, but you need not fret because for only five cents a day you can provide Maria and her siblings with a twelve course meal three times day. Sound too easy? That’s probably because it doesn’t work. It would seem that, in truth, Maria, if she ever really existed, is being given a meager handful of rice once a day. All of this while a certain former ‘All in the Family’ actress seems to be reaping the none-to-thinning rewards of those mysteriously missing twelve course meals.
This simply is not working. Something must be done. Drastic measures must be taken. The time for action has come. It is for this reason that I humbly submit to you a model proposal. Admittedly, it is a plan that is not without its faults, as I have had only a little time to ponder this monstrous problem. However, I think that with a little more time it could become a viable solution and that even in it’s fetal stage it shall provide you with a bit of food for thought. I have come to the conclusion that the solution to the problem of worldwide hunger is fashion models. Or rather the consumption thereof. The way I view it, by using fashion models as a food product, we could solve many problems all at once. Allow me to elaborate further.
Firstly there is the hunger problem. While it is obvious that models could not possibly provide a plausible way to feed the hungry directly, seeing as how they are both emaciated and contain unusually high amounts of silicone which is inedible, it is my thought that the high society people we are trying to keep burden free could unwittingly become part of the solution to this problem. If we were to develop a very clever marketing scheme, perhaps we could sell the models as trendy appetizers. What could be more fashionable than to be able to tell your guests as the appetizers are being brought out at your next dinner party that the same meat they are nibbling daintily off of crackers is the same waif they see scantily clad on the Calvin Klein billboard just across the street? A friend of mine who is in the butchering business has told me that one could sell the meat for perhaps as much as a hundred dollars a pound depending on how popular the model happens to be at the moment. He has also told me that very rare cuts such as a real breast could go for as much as seventy-five dollars an ounce. I would propose that the money made from the sale of this meat could go to help feed the poor rather than Sally Struthers.
Not only would this solution help alleviate the starvation problem of the many poor people of the world, it would also help solve the problem of starvation in other areas. By eliminating the emaciated models that many adolescent girls hold as icons, these girls would no longer be tempted into voluntarily starving themselves.
I also propose that this action would also bring great happiness to millions around the world. How many parents would rest easier knowing that these sirens of temptation are no longer peddling their so-called ‘junkie-chic’ to their innocent children? And, of course, I can only imagine the scores of women, myself included, who would be more than overjoyed at the demise of these underfed harpies of fashion. What woman in her right mind can look at a model and not cringe? None that I know of. While many men may be disappointed by this plan, missing their revealing clothing and their unnatural, augmented, liposuctioned, implanted bodies, I think that as a somewhat intelligent society that when we weigh the importance of abundant eye-candy against that of feeding millions of starving people we would find that the latter choice far outweighs the first. I can also justify this course of action by pointing out that, as it is models are doing nothing to contribute to society. They are seemingly good at doing only two things: standing around looking smug and standing around looking stoned. This would be their chance to redeem themselves. They can finally make a positive contribution to society.
I would like nothing more than to see the utter annihilation of these malignant moles from the face of humanity. The whole feeding the starving people thing would be okay as well, I suppose, but that is not my main objective in this endeavor. I profess with the sincerity of my heart that I have noting but my own personal happiness to gain from this venture. I do not, however, have anything to gain financially seeing as how my thinnest friend weighs almost a hundred pounds and no one I know is addicted to heroin.
Michelle’s Magnificent Manifesto
(Regarding Dating)
After much deliberation and mulling-over, I have come to a decision: I will not date. Ever. In my entire life. In the immortal words of one Monica Mielke, “Dating is just taking your time to find out that you don’t like someone.” She is absolutely right. So why do people bother with the masochistic ritual of dating? They do it because they seek vindication and reassurance. Vindication that they are in fact as attractive as they had always suspected. Reassurance that they are as loveable and worthy as their therapist would have them believe.
Well I say, “screw it.” I do not need some testosterone-driven, post-pubescent sex-monger to affirm or vindicate any of this for me. To hell with all of that crap. I will not subjugate myself to this patriarchal sadomasochistic system. I will not ask people on dates, nor will I act in a way such as to solicit offers of dates from others. However, if my existence is swallowed by an anti-probability vortex and I am asked on a date, I will reject whomever it is that has the tenacity to suggest such a vile and distasteful act, be it Matt Damon or that loser kid from “Home Alone.”
Furthermore, if I ever deem it necessary to engage in sexual activities, I will do so only under the condition that there will be no dating either before or after the aforementioned activities. If this means that I am to go through life having cheap, meaningless encounters and strained relations with members of the opposite sex, then so be it. I will not compromise my principles for the lame joy of healthy human relationships.
I realize that my adversaries may scoff and say that this magnificent manifesto is a load of rubbish. But let us see how high and mighty they are after their “significant other” has tossed them by the wayside in favor of a better looking, younger, and more virile replacement! I also realize that a lot of whining, bleeding-heart, liberalist crybabies are going to read this and say things like, “I like falling in love.” And “Love is what makes the world go ‘round,” etc. etc., you get the picture. I don’t know about the rest of you sane people out there, but when I’m looking for that “warm fuzzy” feeling, I go out and buy myself a nice sweater. I sometimes think that people who fall in love must hit their heads on the way down, because how else can you explain their irrational and incongruous behavior?
Please do not misunderstand me, for I do not bear any ill will towards the love stricken fools of the world. I wish them a long-lasting and fruitful life of being dumped and then futilely falling in love again in a never-ending cycle of self-inflicted pain and bittersweet joy. I truly wish them all the happiness that falling in love can bring them (which I gather isn’t much.) But in the end, only the serially unattached shall prosper, so sayeth the prophecy!
I urge you, people of the world not already infected with this terrible “love sickness” to join me in eschewing the beastliness of love. Save yourselves while you still can! Be not Aphrodite’s assistant in evil. Do not allow yourself to become afflicted with this oozing pus-ridden sore called love that has already claimed so many. May you live long and prosper.
End of transmission.
Sincerely, with contempt and bitter sarcasm,
-Future leader of the not-so-free world
October 5, 1998
The Story of Hiroshima
By Karl Jacobson for Mr. Forte’s Honors World History
The book Hiroshima is a rather interesting book about many individual struggles when the atomic bomb was dropped upon the illustrious city in Japan of Hiroshima. They were a clerk, a widowed seamstress, a physician, a Methodist minister, a young surgeon and a catholic priest. They were inocently sitting by the wayside, if you will, at 815 hours military time or 8:15 civilian time for those of us who don’t know the basics of conversion which is relatively simple to operate only requiring a superficial understanding of math to do it and understand the previously stated idea that I have so succinctly stated. So they were sitting there and a air raid siren goes of. But the air raid goes on and off so it doesn’t matter and I am getting off the subject slightly in doing this so you’ll have to forgive for this lapse in judgement on my part in this manner.
So then the bomb was drooped and everything was very heavily damaged by the ensuing gamma radiation the alpha particles weren’t of to much concern only having a slight penetration effect on the body but doing heavy damage to you since they rob electrons from your cells doing damage. But all them were inside so this protected them from the blast but they still felt the tremendous shockwave emanating from the hypocenter of the blast doing a considerable amount of damage. Inside the fireball the temperature reached 9000 degrees Celsius hotter than the surface of the sun fueled by the reaction of u-235 with neutrons and the resulting fission reaction taken place above the ground of Hiroshima resulting in a gigantic fireball that reached 10,000 of thousand of feet. Thats as tall as an airplane may fly which is quite a lot for the fireball to rise. The cloud formed a mushroom shape because of the reaction of the upper level air currents which spread the cloud out in the shape of a gigantic mushroom but it really isn’t that different from a normal cloud.
So then the bomb was turned into a collection of energy and anybody near was vapourised by the tremendous release of gamma radiation from the fore-mentioned fission reaction inside the atom bomb that was dropped upon Hiroshima I realize that the teacher doesn’t read these so don’t know why they did that the bomb and everything. Everyone on the ground that he writes about has several aftereffects of the bomb. The people who were looking up at the time that the bomb went of were blinded by the flash of light and most often there eyes melted because of the radiation and the brilliant light that was shinned upon them if you will by several fission reactions. Or only one if you so desire to say that to people on the street.
After the bomb went off a firestorm went through the city like wildfire no pun intended upon whoever may happen to read this “report”. So the firestorm went through the city and left much devastation in its wake of wakiyness. Several thousand people probably dies in the firestorm that rages in the city of Hiroshima that I have mentione d already in the illustrious “report” and I shall endevour to do it some more. So this brings this report on Hiroshima the conclusion is here on the next page.
Conclusion: The bombing of Hiroshima bring the many moral objections of anti-nuclear people to full life. For instance was it right that we should kill a hundred thousand Japanese so that we could cut the war short and when they might have surrendered peacably with a way to save face. Maybe if we’d have given them the oppurtunity to do that they would have and sced ther face. Perhaps we wanted to boost our powerful status with the world by saying we have the bomb and are not afraid to use this weapon. Maybe, and maybe not but we’ll be debating this for a long time to come. I believe we should have only dropped one not two so quickly maybe cut down on the lives lost.
Sure Thing
By David Ives (b. 1950)
Characters: Bill and Betty, both in their late twenties
Setting: A café table, with a couple of chairs
(Betty, reading at the table. An empty chair opposite her. Bill enters.)
Bill: Excuse me. Is this chair taken?
Betty: Excuse me?
Bill: Is this taken?
Betty: Yes it is.
Bill: Oh. Sorry.
Betty: Sure thing. (A bell rings softly.)
Bill: Excuse me. Is this chair taken?
Betty: Excuse me?
Bill: Is this taken?
Betty: No, but I’m expecting somebody in a minute.
Bill: Oh. Thanks anyway.
Betty: Sure thing. (A bell rings softly.)
Bill: Excuse me. Is this chair taken?
Betty: No, but I’m expecting somebody very shortly.
Bill: Would you mind if I sit here till he or she or it comes?
Betty (glances at her watch): They seem to be pretty late….
Bill: You never know who you might be turning down.
Betty: Sorry. Nice try, though.
Bill: Sure thing. (Bell.) Is this seat taken?
Betty: No it’s not.
Bill: Would you mind if I sit here?
Betty: Yes I would.
Bill: Oh. (Bell.) Is this chair taken?
Betty: No it’s no.
Bill: Would you mind if I sit here?
Betty: No. Go ahead.
Bill: Thanks. (He sits. She continues reading.) Everyplace else seems to be taken.
Betty: Mm-hm.
Bill: Great place.
Betty: Mm-hm.
Bill: What’s the book?
Betty: I just wanted to read in quiet, if you don’t mind.
Bill: No. Sure thing. (Bell.)
Bill: Everyplace else seems to be taken.
Betty: Mm-hm.
Bill: Great place for reading.
Betty: Yes, I like it.
Bill: What’s the book?
Betty: The Sound and the Fury.
Bill: Oh. Hemingway. (Bell.) What’s the book?
Betty: The Sound and the Fury.
Bill: Oh. Faulkner.
Betty: Have you read it?
Bill: Not…actually. I’ve sure read about…it, though. It’s supposed to be great.
Betty: It is great.
Bill: I hear it’s great. (Small pause.) Waiter? (Bell.) What’s the book?
Betty: The Sound and the Fury.
Bill: Oh, Faulkner.
Betty: Have you read it?
Bill: I’m a Mets fan, myself. (Bell.)
Betty: Have you read it?
Bill: Yeah, I read it in college.
Betty: Where was college?
Bill: I went to Oral Roberts University. (Bell.)
Betty: Where was college?
Bill: I was lying. I never really went to college. I just like to party. (Bell.)
Betty: Where was college?
Bill: Harvard.
Betty: Do you like Faulkner?
Bill: I love Faulkner. I spent a whole winter reading him once.
Betty: I’ve just started.
Bill: I was so excited after ten pages that I went out and bought everything else he wrote. One of the greatest reading experiences of my life. I mean, all that incredible psychological understanding. Page after page of gorgeous prose. His profound grasp of the mystery of time and human existence. The smells of the earth…What do you think?
Betty: I thing it’s pretty boring. (Bell.)
Bill: What’s the book?
Betty: The Sound and the Fury.
Bill: Oh! Faulkner!
Betty: Do you like Faulkner?
Bill: I love Faulkner.
Betty: He’s incredible.
Bill: I spent a whole winter reading him once.
Betty: I was so excited after ten pages that I went out and bought everything else he wrote.
Bill: All that incredible psychological understanding.
Betty: And the prose is so gorgeous.
Bill: And the way he’s grasped the mystery of time —
Betty: — and human existence. I can’t believe I’ve waited this long to read him.
Bill: You never know. You might not have liked him before.
Betty: That’s true.
Bill: You might not have been ready for him. You have to hit these things at the right moment or it’s no good.
Betty: That’s happening to me.
Bill: It’s all in the timing. (Small pause.) My name’s Bill, by the way.
Betty: I’m Betty.
Bill: Hi.
Betty: Hi. (Small pause.)
Bill: Yes I though reading Faulkner was…a great experience.
Betty: Yes. (Small pause.)
Bill: The Sound and the Fury… (Another small pause.)
Betty: Well. Onwards and upwards. (She goes back to her book.)
Bill: Waiter — ? (Bell.) You have to hit these things at the right moment or it’s no good.
Betty: That’s happened to me.
Bill: It’s all in the timing. My name’s Bill, by the way.
Betty: I’m Betty.
Bill: Hi.
Betty: Hi.
Bill: Do you come in here a lot?
Betty: Actually I’m just in town for two days from Pakistan.
Bill: Oh. Pakistan. (Bell.) My name’s Bill, by the way.
Betty: I’m Betty.
Bill: Hi.
Betty: Hi.
Bill: Do you come here a lot?
Betty: Every once in a while. Do you?
Bill: Not much anymore. Not as much as I used to. Before my nervous breakdown. (Bell.) Do you come in here a lot?
Betty: Why are you asking?
Bill: Just interested.
Betty: Are you really interested, or do you just want to pick me up?
Bill: No, I’m really interested.
Betty: Why would you be interested in whether I come in here a lot?
Bill: Just…getting acquainted.
Betty: Maybe you’re only interested for the sake of making small talk long enough to ask me back to your place to listen to some music, or because you’ve just rented some great tape for your VCR, or because you’ve got some terrific unknown Django Reinhard record, only all you’ll really want to do is fuck — which you won’t do very well — after which you’ll go into the bathroom and pee very loudly, then pad into the kitchen and get yourself a beer from the refrigerator without asking me whether I’d like anything, and then you’ll proceed to lie back down beside me and confess that you’ve got a girlfriend named Stephanie who’s away at medical school in Belgium for a year, and that you’ve been involved with her — off and on — in what you’ll call a very “intricate” relationship, for about seven YEARS. None of which interests me, mister!
Bill: Okay. (Bell.) Do you come in here a lot?
Betty: Every other day, I think.
Bill: I come in here quite a lot and I don’t remember seeing you.
Betty: I guess we must be on different schedules.
Bill: Missed connections.
Betty: Yes. Different time zones.
Bill: Amazing how you can live right next door to somebody in this town and never even know it.
Betty: I know.
Bill: City life.
Betty: It’s crazy.
Bill: We probably pass each other in the street every day. Right in front of this place, probably.
Betty: Yep.
Bill (looks around): Well, the waiters here sure seem to be in some different time zone. I can’t seem to locate one anywhere…Waiter! (He looks back.) So what do you — (He sees that she’s gone back to her book.)
Betty: I beg pardon?
Bill: Nothing. Sorry. (Bell.)
Betty: I guess we must be on different schedules.
Bill: Missed connections.
Betty: Yes. Different time zones.
Bill: Amazing how you can live right next door to somebody in this town and never even know it.
Betty: I know.
Bill: City life.
Betty: It’s crazy.
Bill: You weren’t waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?
Betty: Actually, I was.
Bill: Oh. Boyfriend?
Betty: Sort of.
Bill: What’s a sort-of boyfriend?
Betty: My husband.
Bill: Ah-ha. (Bell.) You weren’t waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?
Betty: Actually I was.
Bill: Oh. Boyfriend?
Betty: Sort of.
Bill: What’s a sort-of boyfriend?
Betty: We were meeting here to break up.
Bill: Mm-hm… (Bell.) What’s a sort-of boyfriend?
Betty: My lover. Here she comes right now! (Bell.)
Bill: You weren’t waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?
Betty: No, just reading.
Bill: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isn’t it? Reading here, all by yourself?
Betty: Do you think so?
Bill: Well sure. I mean, what’s a good-looking woman like you doing out alone on a Friday night?
Betty: Trying to keep away from lines like that.
Bill: No, listen — (Bell.) You weren’t waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?
Betty: No, just reading.
Bill: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isn’t it? Reading here all by yourself?
Betty: I guess it is, in a way.
Bill: What’s a good-looking woman like you doing out alone on a Friday night anyway? No offense, but…
Betty: I’m out alone on a Friday night for the first time in a very long time.
Bill: Oh.
Betty: You see, I just recently ended a relationship.
Bill: Oh.
Betty: Of rather long standing.
Bill: I’m sorry. (Small pause.) Well listen, since reading by yourself is such a sad occupation for a Friday night, would you like to go elsewhere?
Betty: No…
Bill: Do something else?
Betty: No thanks.
Bill: I was headed out to the movies in a while anyway.
Betty: I don’t think so.
Bill: Big chance to let Faulkner catch his breath. All those long sentences get him pretty tired.
Betty: Thanks anyway.
Bill: Okay.
Betty: I appreciate the invitation.
Bill: Sure thing. (Bell.) You weren’t waiting for somebody when I came in, were you?
Betty: No, just reading.
Bill: Sort of a sad occupation for a Friday night, isn’t it? Reading here all by yourself?
Betty: I guess I was trying to think of it as existentially romantic. You know — cappuccino, great literature, rainy night…
Bill: That only works in Paris. We could hop the late place to Paris. Get on a Concorde. Find a café…
Betty: I’m a little short on plane fare tonight.
Bill: Darn it, so am I.
Betty: To tell you the truth, I was headed to the movies after I finished this section. Would you like to come along? Since you can’t locate a waiter?
Bill: That’s a very nice offer, but…
Betty: Uh-huh. Girlfriend?
Bill: Two, actually. One of them’s pregnant, and Stephanie — (Bell.)
Betty: Girlfriend?
Bill: No, I don’t have a girlfriend. Not if you mean the castrating bitch I dumped last night. (Bell.)
Betty: Girlfriend?
Bill: Sort of. Sort of.
Betty: What’s a sort-of girlfriend?
Bill: My mother. (Bell.) I just ended a relationship, actually.
Betty: Oh.
Bill: Of rather long standing.
Betty: I’m sorry to hear it.
Bill: This is my first night out alone in a long time. I feel a little bit at sea, to tell you the truth.
Betty: So you didn’t stop to talk because you’re a Moonie, or you have some weird political
affiliation — ?
Bill: Nope. Straight-down-the-ticket Republican. (Bell.) Straight-down-the-ticket Democrat. (Bell.) Can I tell you something about politics? (Bell.) I like to think of myself as a citizen of the universe (Bell.) I’m unaffiliated.
Betty: That’s a relief. So am I.
Bill: I vote my beliefs.
Betty: Labels are not important.
Bill: Labels are not important, exactly. Like me, for example. I mean, what does it matter if I had a two-point at — (bell) — three-point at (bell) — four-point at college, or if I did come from Pittsburgh — (bell) — Cleveland — (bell) Westchester County?
Betty: Sure.
Bill: I believe that a man is what he is. (Bell.) A person is what he is. (Bell.) A person is…what they are.
Betty: I think so too.
Bill: So what if I admire Trotsky? (Bell.) So what if I once had a total-body liposuction? (Bell.) So what if I don’t have a penis? (Bell.) So what if I once spent a year in the Peace Corps? I was acting on my convictions.
Betty: Sure.
Bill: You can’t just hang a sign on a person.
Betty: Absolutely. I’ll bet you’re a Scorpio. (Many bells ring.) Listen, I was headed to the movies after I finished this section. Would you like to come along?
Bill: That sounds like fun. What’s playing?
Betty: A couple of the really early Woody Allen movies.
Bill: Oh.
Betty: Don’t you like Woody Allen?
Bill: Sure. I like Woody Allen.
Betty: But you’re not crazy about Woody Allen.
Bill: Those early ones kind of get on my nerves.
Betty: Uh-huh. (Bell.)
Bill: Y’know I was headed to the —
Betty (simultaneously): I was thinking about —
Bill: I’m sorry.
Betty: No, go ahead.
Bill: I was going to say that I was headed to the movies in a little while, and…
Betty: So was I.
Bill: The Woody Allen festival?
Betty: Just up the street.
Bill: Do you like the early ones?
Betty: I think anybody who doesn’t out to be run off the planet.
Bill: How many times have you seen Bananas?
Betty: Eight times.
Bill: Twelve. So are you still interested? (Long pause.)
Betty: Do you like Entenmann’s crumb cake…?
Bill: Last night I went out a two in the morning to get one. (Small pause.) Did you have an Etch-a-Sketch as a child?
Betty: Yes! An do you like Brussels sprouts? (Small pause.)
Bill: I think they’re gross.
Betty: They are gross!
Bill: Do you still believe in marriage in spite of current sentiments against it?
Betty: Yes.
Bill: And children?
Betty: Three of them.
Bill: Two girls and a boy.
Betty: Harvard, Vassar, and Brown.
Bill: And will you love me?
Betty: Yes.
Bill: And cherish me forever?
Betty: Yes.
Bill: Do you still want to go to the movies?
Betty: Sure thing.
Bill and Betty (together): Waiter!
(Blackout.)
BRIT. LIT. READINGS
Prologue of The Canterbury Tales
By Geoffrey Chaucer
Whan that aprill with his shoures soote
The droghte of march hath perced to the roote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licour
Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
Whan zephirus eek with his sweete breeth
Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
Tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne
Hath in the ram his halve cours yronne,
And smale foweles maken melodye,
That slepen al the nyght with open ye
(so priketh hem nature in hir corages);
Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages,
And palmeres for to seken straunge strondes,
To ferne halwes, kowthe in sondry londes;
And specially from every shires ende
Of engelond to caunterbury they wende,
The hooly blisful martir for to seke,
That hem hath holpen whan that they were seeke.
Bifil that in that seson on a day,
In southwerk at the tabard as I lay
Redy to wenden on my pilgrymage
To caunterbury with ful devout corage,
At nyght was come into that hostelrye
Wel nyne and twenty in a compaignye,
Of sondry folk, by aventure yfalle
In felaweshipe, and pilgrimes were they alle,
That toward caunterbury wolden ryde.
The chambres and the stables weren wyde,
And wel we weren esed atte beste.
And shortly, whan the sonne was to reste,
So hadde I spoken with hem everichon
That I was of hir felaweshipe anon,
And made forward erly for to ryse,
To take oure wey ther as I yow devyse.
But nathelees, whil I have tyme and space,
Er that I ferther in this tale pace,
Me thynketh it acordaunt to resoun
To telle yow al the condicioun
Of ech of hem, so as it semed me,
And whiche they weren, and of what degree,
And eek in what array that they were inne;
And at a knyght than wol I first bigynne.
A Modest Proposal
For Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland from Being A Burden to Their Parents or Country,
and For Making Them Beneficial to The Public
By Jonathan Swift
It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags and importuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants: who as they grow up either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native country to fight for the Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbados.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of professed beggars; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants at a certain age who are born of parents in effect as little able to support them as those who demand our charity in the streets.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, a child just dropped from its dam may be supported by her milk for a solar year, with little other nourishment; at most not above the value of 2 s., which the mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her lawful occupation of begging; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon their parents or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding, and partly to the clothing, of many thousands.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! sacrificing the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.
The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couple whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract thirty thousand couples who are able to maintain their own children, although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or disease within the year. There only remains one hundred and twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and provided for, which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses (I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at six years old, except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time, they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.
I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl before twelve years old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half-a-crown at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the charge of nutriment and rags having been at least four times that value.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.
I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the hundred and twenty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.
I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, increaseth to 28 pounds.
I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.
Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are told by a grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolific diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic countries about nine months after Lent than at any other season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets will be more glutted than usual, because the number of popish infants is at least three to one in this kingdom: and therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the number of papists among us.
I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in which list I reckon all cottagers, laborers, and four-fifths of the farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he hath only some particular friend or his own family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord, and grow popular among his tenants; the mother will have eight shillings net profit, and be fit for work till she produces another child.
Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.
As to our city of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this purpose in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the children alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.
A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived that the want of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes in every country being now ready to starve for want of work and service; and these to be disposed of by their parents, if alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males, my American acquaintance assured me, from frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our schoolboys by continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable; and to fatten them would not answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with humble submission be a loss to the public, because they soon would become breeders themselves; and besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice (although indeed very unjustly), as a little bordering upon cruelty; which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against any project, however so well intended.
But in order to justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was put into his head by the famous Psalmanazar, a native of the island Formosa, who came from thence to London above twenty years ago, and in conversation told my friend, that in his country when any young person happened to be put to death, the executioner sold the carcass to persons of quality as a prime dainty; and that in his time the body of a plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an attempt to poison the emperor, was sold to his imperial majesty's prime minister of state, and other great mandarins of the court, in joints from the gibbet, at four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the same use were made of several plump young girls in this town, who without one single groat to their fortunes cannot stir abroad without a chair, and appear at playhouse and assemblies in foreign fineries which they never will pay for, the kingdom would not be the worse.
Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed, and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken to ease the nation of so grievous an encumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is very well known that they are every day dying and rotting by cold and famine, and filth and vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the young laborers, they are now in as hopeful a condition; they cannot get work, and consequently pine away for want of nourishment, to a degree that if at any time they are accidentally hired to common labor, they have not strength to perform it; and thus the country and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come.
I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.
For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of papists, with whom we are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders of the nation as well as our most dangerous enemies; and who stay at home on purpose with a design to deliver the kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take their advantage by the absence of so many good Protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their country than stay at home and pay tithes against their conscience to an Episcopal curate.
Secondly, The poorer tenants will have something valuable of their own, which by law may be made liable to distress and help to pay their landlord's rent, their corn and cattle being already seized, and money a thing unknown.
Thirdly, Whereas the maintenance of an hundred thousand children, from two years old and upward, cannot be computed at less than ten shillings a-piece per annum, the nation's stock will be thereby increased fifty thousand pounds per annum, beside the profit of a new dish introduced to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom who have any refinement in taste. And the money will circulate among ourselves, the goods being entirely of our own growth and manufacture.
Fourthly, The constant breeders, beside the gain of eight shillings sterling per annum by the sale of their children, will be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first year.
Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to taverns; where the vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best receipts for dressing it to perfection, and consequently have their houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating: and a skilful cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they please.
Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise nations have either encouraged by rewards or enforced by laws and penalties. It would increase the care and tenderness of mothers toward their children, when they were sure of a settlement for life to the poor babes, provided in some sort by the public, to their annual profit instead of expense. We should see an honest emulation among the married women, which of them could bring the fattest child to the market. Men would become as fond of their wives during the time of their pregnancy as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, their sows when they are ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them (as is too frequent a practice) for fear of a miscarriage.
Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition of some thousand carcasses in our exportation of barreled beef, the propagation of swine's flesh, and improvement in the art of making good bacon, so much wanted among us by the great destruction of pigs, too frequent at our tables; which are no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a well-grown, fat, yearling child, which roasted whole will make a considerable figure at a lord mayor's feast or any other public entertainment. But this and many others I omit, being studious of brevity.
After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points. First, as things now stand, how they will be able to find food and raiment for an hundred thousand useless mouths and backs. And secondly, there being a round million of creatures in human figure throughout this kingdom, whose whole subsistence put into a common stock would leave them in debt two millions of pounds sterling, adding those who are beggars by profession to the bulk of farmers, cottagers, and laborers, with their wives and children who are beggars in effect: I desire those politicians who dislike my overture, and may perhaps be so bold as to attempt an answer, that they will first ask the parents of these mortals, whether they would not at this day think it a great happiness to have been sold for food, at a year old in the manner I prescribe, and thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of misfortunes as they have since gone through by the oppression of landlords, the impossibility of paying rent without money or trade, the want of common sustenance, with neither house nor clothes to cover them from the inclemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable prospect of entailing the like or greater miseries upon their breed for ever.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I have no children by which I can propose to get a single penny; the youngest being nine years old, and my wife past child-bearing.
The End
Meditation 17 (1623-1624)
From Devotions upon Emergent Occasions
By John Donne
Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morieris.
Now this bell tolling softly for another, says to me, Thou must die.
Perchance he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill as that he knows not it tolls for him; and perchance I may think myself so much better than I am, as that they who are about me and see my state may have caused it to toll for me, and I know not that. The church is catholic, universal, so are all her actions; all that she does belongs to all. When she baptizes a child, that action concerns me; for that child is thereby connected to that head which is my head too, and ingrafted into the body whereof I am a member. And when she buries a man, that action concerns me: all mankind is of one author and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated. God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another. As therefore the bell that rings a sermon calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come, so this bell calls us all; but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness. There was a contention as far as a suit (in which piety and dignity, religion and estimation, were mingled) which of the religious orders should ring to prayers first in the morning; and it was determined that they should ring first that rose earliest. If we understand aright the dignity of this bell that tolls for our evening prayer, we would be glad to make it ours by rising early, in that application, that it might be ours as well as his whose indeed it is. The bell doth toll for him that thinks it doth; and though it intermit again, yet from that minute that that occasion wrought upon him, he is united to God. Who casts not up his eye to the sun when it rises? but who takes off his eye from a comet when that breaks out? Who bends not his ear to any bell which upon any occasion rings? but who can remove it from that bell which is passing a piece of himself out of this world? No man is an island. entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were. Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee. Neither can we call this a begging of misery or a borrowing of misery, as though we are not miserable enough of ourselves but must fetch in more from the next house, in taking upon us the misery of our neighbors. Truly it were an excusable covetousness if we did; for affliction is a treasure, and scarce any man hath enough of it. No man hath affliction enough that is not matured and ripened by it, and made fit for God by that affliction. If a man carry treasure in bullion, or in a wedge of gold, and have none coined into current moneys, his treasure will not defray him as he travels. Tribulation is treasure in the nature of it, but it is not current money in the use of it, except we get nearer and nearer our home, heaven, by it. Another man may be sick too, and sick to death, and this affliction may lie in his bowels as gold in a mine and be of no use to him; but this bell that tells me of his affliction digs out and applies that gold to me, if by this consideration of another's dangers I take mine own into contemplation and so secure myself by making my recourse to my God, who is our only security.
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