To Catch a Cheat



The Deception and Destruction of Living a Double Life

A Painful Story

Many special thanks of love and gratitude to my editor and sister, Cora Foerstner.

Deception and Destruction

When you see the headline “Man Living a Double Life for Over 15 Years,” it seems like something that happens to other people. It’s unimaginable, and you immediately wonder, “What idiot doesn’t know her man is living a completely separate and double life with another woman? How could his family and friends not know?” Trust me when I say it is possible to be that deceived, especially if you trust your partner. We all want relationships based on trust, but if you trust the wrong person, your life can be rocked to its very core.

This is my story. It isn’t a simple story of a man having a meaningless affair or cheating with anyone who would give him the time of day. It’s the story of emotional turmoil created through a callous and calculated deception, which cuts to the very foundation of the meaning of family, relationships, love, trust, and honor. It’s the story of deception and destruction; it’s the story of a man who deceived me, his family, and his friends for over fifteen years.

When someone then asks me, “How could you not have known?”

My response is simple, “It is this overrate thing called TRUST.”

When you have unconditional love, trust and respect for another person and believe he or she[1] has the same level of commitment to you and your relationship that commitment can blind you and opens the door for a narcissistic, emotionally unavailable person to use and deceive you. The level of destruction that this type of person can cause depends upon his ability to portray himself as someone he is not, and his ability to remain focused on his goals.

After reading this story, you might find that you question it. You might ask yourself if you should believe what I’ve written. Before this happened to me, I might have had trouble believing this story because it sounds like fiction.

This story is true. The feelings, experience and emotions are real.

I am writing from my personal experience so that other people can be warned about the kind of person who will deceive you and not feel guilt or remorse about his deception.

Right now, based on my personal experience, I don’t feel that trust is worth the pain and destruction it can cause. I hope that someday I will feel differently, but for now, I feel that trust is something that other people can use to manipulate me. Blind trust can allow a person who is deceptive to cover his own ass and deceive people for years. If you allow yourself to “unconditionally” trust an emotionally unavailable person, that person has the power to destroy your mental and physical health and wellbeing.

I know that I have become a cynic and this saddens me. How could cynicism invade my life and soul so completely? I was once a kind, selfless, giving and loving person. How does someone who has never hated another person cross over to the dark side of hatred without losing her very essences? In my case, this crossing over was not my personal decision or choice, but when I learned the truth about Mr. Narcissistic Emotionally Unavailable Man (NEU for short), I felt unable to prevent myself from slipping into the abyss of hatred. My cynicism and hatred have become my armor of self-protection.

When his double life was revealed to me, something snapped inside me; I knew that I would not trust another living soul for the rest of my life. My personal foundation as a human being has been completely put to the test. I’m now fearful that these all consuming emotions will take over my life.

Before I begin my story, let me define an emotionally unavailable person. I used to hear this term and just thought it was a person who wasn’t able to make a commitment. I imagined the stereotypical guy who has trouble telling a woman he loves her, but it is so much more than that. He will look you directly in your eyes and confesses his love for you, smiling and caressing you, making you feel like the most important person in the world. He excitedly talks about the future in terms of forever as a couple. The planning and dreams of your life together are extensive and detailed but right now, this very day, he is not with you. He is in the moment, but not with you. He is never there when you need him most. When you talk about the future it is in his time frame. When you ask to deepen the commitment, it is never a good time, too much going on in “our lives” right now, or “I’m giving all I can give right now”. We need to be here or have this in place, or plan for such and such, but it’s never the right time. When you do apply pressure to pin him down he gets “choked up” and can’t talk about it or he tells you a sob story about his internal pain or previous experience. He’s trying to “find himself” so you will feel sorry for him and “understand” he is confused, in a mid life crisis, or just needs to do a lot of thinking as to where he’s at and where he should be so he can focus on the “we”. He must be in a good place before it will all fall together. All of this thought process is done without you or your input because he is private and needs to sort it out for himself. He will never “be in the right place”, this entire outlook and personal position he takes is specific to his inability to commit a single emotion to anyone other than himself.

My relationship with NEU started out like any normal boy meets girl story. I thought I was building a relationship around trust, respect, honesty and love. He led me to believe that we were making plans for our future together. I was fooled into believing I was doing this with someone who loved me and was honest with me. We made investments to build our life together, and we planned for our retirement. He faked having open and honest discussions about his feelings for me and our dreams and goals. It seemed we were both making individual choices that would put us on the same path. He pretended that we desired the same outcomes, together as a couple.

I was not the only one deceived. His family was in awe of the man he pretended to be. He eagerly assumed the role of “man of the family.” Everyone wanted to be like NEU and/or marry someone like him. His family loved and adored everything about him. They would say, “He is a real man.”

As his mate, I too loved and adored him. I believed in him as a man, a friend, a confidant, and a life partner. I was duped into thinking that I had a real, grown-up and adult relationship, which was built on trust, respect and honor. I thought we were working to secure our future together. I was and still am close to his family. I trusted that they knew him completely. They thought they did too. The trust, love, and respect his family held for him guided me as I built a personal relationship with NEU, but he was playing the same game with his family that he was playing with me.

When the truth came out, we all lost the man we thought he was. His deception was complete.

In my first marriage, I experienced horrendous infidelity. After my divorce, I was cautious about getting into a relationship. NEU was aware of my past and acted supportive as I completed the divorce process. He feigned understanding when I discussed my expectations. I thought this new relationship with NEU was deepening into a commitment based on honesty. I was direct and concise when I discussed what I wanted in a relationship.

At the beginning of our relationship, I said, “I have trust issues based on my experiences. I will never ask anything of you or require anything from you except honesty.” If he wanted to see other people, he only needed to tell me. If he was no longer interested in me, or was interested in someone else, he only needed to say the word. I was a big girl, and could made decisions as to what I wanted and who I wanted them with.

He responded with a convincing conversation about how he hasn’t been in a real relationship for at least four years. He said that he seemed to always attract the psychos. He claimed he wanted to commit and grow in the relationship. He explained that he didn’t want or go for one-night stands. He was adamant about not having sex with someone who was drunk. He convinced me he was looking for a real, honest, long-term relationship. He said, “I will never cheat on you. I will always be open and honest. I want this too” He knew I was no longer interested or capable of having children and expressed his happiness over this since he did not want kids either. In his own words, “kids never, it’s not something I want or need”. He agreed that communication was the basis of a good relationship. He seemed sincere and direct as he looked openly and adoringly into my eyes as he promised honesty and fidelity. Because of my past experience, I was hesitant, but I accepted his sincere pledge as the truth.

We moved forward with our relationship. Life was not perfect, it never is, but it felt good and satisfying to have something honest and real to build upon.

After almost four years of dating, we decided to move in together. He was laid off from work, and as a couple, we decided he would go back to school to finish his degree. Once we settled into this new arrangement, I began to notice a change in his behavior. He was an artist, had bouts of depression, moodiness, and valued his privacy. He had his own phone line for his graphics “business,” his own room for his art studio and a “man’s room” so he could have a private space when he had friends over. I respected his privacy as he respected mine.

When you live with someone you eventually see, or what you think you see, is the real person. He helped a friend move, something he was adamant about loathing, but he was trying to “grow as a person”, and be “a better friend.” He cooked and cleaned and was supportive in everything I wanted to work toward and achieve, but he began to spend more time with his friends, and less time with me.

This is hard to describe without sounding like a dumbass, but he always had “something” scheduled on specific days: Taco Tuesday, Wednesday basketball, Friday guys night out, school commitments etc. This began to wear on me, especially since I was financially supporting him while he was in school. We sat down for an open discussion about him taking me for granted. Since moving in together, he had basically stopped dating me. He admitted that he had been “distracted” with school and had dropped the ball in the relationship. He said he would get back on track, especially after working so hard to “reel” me into the relationship. He began to make every effort to be the considerate and attentive boyfriend he once was.

I worked full time and went to school as well, so I felt the time I spent with him should be quality time. This behavior should have been a warning sign. One of the first signs that someone is an emotionally unavailable person is that he schedules events that do not include you, his significant other.

When I experienced a death in my immediate family, he seemed distant from my emotional needs and me. He admitted he didn’t know how to comfort someone who was dealing with death. I understood that comforting and supporting someone who had experienced a death wasn’t easy, but he showed no consideration. He didn’t give me a simple hug, which would have made all the difference in the world. I informed him it would have been a small consideration for him to be home when I returned. He knew it was an emotional experience for me. Instead of being home to support me, he was out on the town with his nephew. His response to the situation was that when his own father passed away he didn’t cry and to date had not shed a tear. After experiencing this lack of emotional support, I didn’t feel the same about him. I tried to accept that everyone has a different way of expressing their emotion, or in his case, lack of emotion.

His inability to show emotions and support me was the second sign that he was an emotionally unavailable man. This emotional detachment is a classic sign.

After almost two years of footing the bill while he attended school, I informed him that I couldn’t carry the weight of the finances any longer, nor did I want to. Due to my income I needed to purchase a home to protect my money long term. He needed to get a job and go to school in the evening. After all that’s what I was doing: working full-time and going to school in the evenings.

Since I was financially solvent, he benefited from everything that I provided for him. I was smart enough not to give him access to my money. Once, he had mentioned opening a joint bank account, but I squashed the idea immediately and he resentfully avoided mentioning it again. It was obvious by his demeanor he was not happy that I didn’t give him access to my money, but he does not like confrontation, so he begrudgingly got a job.

He did not return to school, and without stating it, I sensed that he blamed me for his inability to hold down a job and go to school at the same time. In actuality, putting in a day of hard work and then going to school required more effort than he was willing to give. I now realize that working and going to school would have required him to give up the time he spent away from me and our relationship. He was not willing to give away any free time because doing so would cut into his ability to lead a double life.

This is the third sign. He liked the money, but was not really interested in working to earn it. He was looking for a handout and someone to take care of him.

Six years into our relationship, I purchased my first home. Within months of moving in, he returned to the moody person I had dealt with two years prior. When he talked to his “boys” on the phone, he boasted about his new house and moving up in the world. This annoyed me, since he didn’t put a penny into the house, nor did he lift a finger to do anything around the house. Yet he bragged to his friends about what he had worked so hard to achieve. Nine months into the new home, he stayed out all night with his friend and her girlfriends. This was the same female “friend” he helped moved on several different occasions. He staggered home at 6 am and passed out. For three hours, his personal phone line rang, which pissed me off further. I was tempted to answer his phone and tell whoever was phoning to stop calling, but I trusted him and respected his privacy.

I was so angry at his behavior that I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, let alone speak to him. Days later, when I was calm enough to talk, I informed him that I needed to speak to him about his inconsiderate behavior. As I informed him that he had made me feel the same way my ex had, and I would not tolerate that treatment, nor was it acceptable, he pretended that he was remorseful and disappointed in himself. He was yet again apologetic and admitted it was stupid of him, but he would get back on track.

After this conversation, it dawned on me that this was his standard reply to any discussion we had in the past. I began to notice that no matter what discussion we had, his responses were always the same. Acting sullen, he would put his head down and say, “You’re right.” “I dropped the ball,” “Wow, I wasn’t thinking,” “I’m not doing my part” or simply, “You’re right, I fucked up.” After his initial statement of “you’re right,” the entire time he was talking and responding to me, he looked directly into my eyes, convincing me of his sincerity.

I wanted to believe in him and make the relationship work, but instead I was so hurt that I informed him that living together wasn’t working out at this point of the relationship, and I let him know he needed to move out. He reacted with his angry voice and stated that he could move out over the weekend. I explained that I wasn’t breaking up with him, but based on this inconsiderate and selfish behavior, I felt he wasn’t ready to live with me or anyone.

We discussed a plan to help him buy his own home. The “big picture” plan was that a few years down the road, we would purchase a larger home together. We would try again when he had grown up. We also planned to start a property investment business. Once we had the investment business established, we would rent both “current” properties and supplement our incomes for retirement.

In the interim, I suggested that he start dating me again; he needed to stop taking me and our relationship for granted. I was still paying all the rent and the bills. It took him six months to save money and find a condo to purchase.

Looking back, I ask myself why I didn’t suspect infidelity when he stayed out all night, but my answer is simple: I trusted him. He had gone out with a friend. I had met her when we had first begun dating and she was in a relationship with another person. I had no reason to not believe or trust what he said since he seemed open with his friendships and not “hiding” people as it were.

Four months after he moved into the condo, I broke up with him. He still wasn’t willing to spend time with me and develop our relationship, and I was at a point in my life where I wanted more from the relationship than he was willing to give me. He was dating me from a distance. He always put himself first, never me, never us. He only made plans with me when it was convenient for him. I mentioned to him, on many occasions, that he was behaving selfishly and that our relationship wasn’t working for me. He didn’t believe it until I broke up with him.

I was in a great place in my life and career. I felt I needed more from a relationship. I was tired of initiating everything in the relationship; everything I tried to improve on the relationship proved fruitless. I was tired of feeling taken for granted. So I ended it after eight and a half years. I felt strong, focused and confident.

He didn’t say much about the break-up, and I knew his feelings were hurt, but he just wouldn’t confront the situation. He bided his time and slowly began to pursue me again. He tried to wheedle his way back into my life. I stood firm and kept him at bay. He wrote love letters, begging me to give him another chance; he made promises that he would never keep. He promised that he had removed “those people”—the bad influences and/or those distracting him from our goals and our relationship. When I asked about “those people,” he said his new friends always want to do this and he got caught up in what they were doing. They distracted him from me.

This is the fourth sign of an emotionally unavailable person. Rather than taking responsibility for his actions and decisions, he makes excuses: “those people” were distracting him from our relationship.

I didn’t buy into it. I said, “No.”

After three months, he was still pursuing me, and I experienced an unfortunate accident. It was one of those events that I felt, as small as it was, had a big impact on my life, which is putting it mildly. While gardening, I fell and couldn’t stand. I felt dizzy and weak. Everyone close to me was either out of town or too far away to come to my aid. I had spoken to NEU an hour before my fall. I thought that conversation was our final goodbye. So when I was desperate for help and had tried everyone else, I called him.

When I told him what had happened and that I needed help, he said he was on his way. He took me to the hospital and was so very loving, kind, and attentive that I remembered why I’d loved him so very much. A freak accident brought him back into my life. He was making an effort to be there for me; he was diligently helping me. I forgot why I broke up with him. This one significant accident extended the relationship. We were back together. All combined we were together for fifteen and a half years.

As a side note, when I called him to help me, he was talking to the other woman on his landline, which was busy when I phoned it. I had to reach him on his cell. She was also one of “those people” who were distracting him from our relationship. She was also the woman he stayed out with before I asked him to move out. If I had been more distrustful, all the signs and pieces were there for me to see. Hind sight is everything.

He convinced me yet again that our relationship was solid when he made a production about creating a living trust, making me his beneficiary on all documents. As he would often say

“Why get married? You have all the paperwork and rights to everything. Getting married is just another piece of paper and you have it all already. We are solid.”

In the fifteen plus years of this relationship, I continued to grow, to respect him, and accept him—his flaws and his strengths. I thought he was doing the same. No one is perfect, and there are always compromises to be made within any given situation. I understand and accepted that he was getting older. He withdrew, spending less time with me, and more time with the “new” friends he had made in his neighborhood. Although I sometimes felt slighted and left out, I understood that men in their mid 40’s face a mid life change, as women do, and he was not always who I wanted him to be, but I strove to be understanding and patient. I loved, trusted, and respected him and was willing to make allowance to be supportive and kind. I waited patiently, and verbally let him know that I was there for him. I let him know that when he was ready to talk, I would be there to listen.

Based on what he has said to me when he confessed his love and long-term commitment to a long-term life together, I believed him. He wasn’t willing to take the next step but he did go to the trouble of getting a living trust and making me his executor stating, “A marriage is only a piece of paper, you have and will get everything without the piece of paper.” We continued to make plans for the future. I thought he was 100% committed to the relationship; after all we had invested years to our relationship. I could have easily been the “bitch” and pushed and demanded that he talk about those things he was struggling with, but again, he was not the great communicator he had a tendency to lead others to believe he was. In fact he would not discuss or confront anything unless he was made to do so.

Time passed, and I waited for him to accept that he may be aging but was still a beautiful, powerful, and youthful man at heart. I wasn’t happy that he didn’t include me in his new adventures and experiences. He had essentially built a new circle of friends and a lifestyle in which I was a visitor and not an active participant, but I had my own life. So although I often felt hurt by being left out, I looked forward to and enjoyed the time we spent together.

I wasn’t comfortable on the few occasions I was around this new group of people; I could feel negative energy, but I made an effort to fit in. I now realize that in his new friend’s eyes, I was the other woman.

He brought his military medals for me to store for him. I did not understand the meaning of this or why he asked me to “store” them. I didn’t get the symbolism of this action. I still didn’t know that he was living a double life, but in retrospect, I realize that things were beginning to take its toll on him. He was starting to get sloppy. He had sent me an email with a nickname that was close to the nickname he used for me. Later he insisted that it was a typo. Now, I know, it was an email intended for the other woman. He was adamant about a movie we had seen, but I had never seen it, this too was with the other woman.

After eleven years in the relationship, we began an investment business. As fifty-fifty partners, money, a lot of my money, was now available to him. He eagerly applied for and got the business license. He pushed me to open a business banking account and began to make contacts. He led me to believe we were in a lifetime partnership. I strove to be as successful as possible because we were building for our future retirement together. We discussed and agreed that we wanted to be able to supplement our retirement, which would allow us to have a life of ease, comfort, and travel. His goal for retirement was age forty-five, which was not realistic since until this point he had never taken any steps to ensure this goal, so he upped his retirement goal to fifty. Our plans, I thought, were right on track.

I was willing to do whatever it took to be successful. He slowly allowed me to take the full load of making the business a reality. He admitted he didn’t have a head for business, but he made convincing arguments for property locations and showed a willingness to travel to those places to view the properties. I was eager to work hard and invest the time and money to make a successful future for us. At the time, I didn’t stop and think about the fact that I was putting all the money and most of the work into the business. He was supportive and participated in the process only when I made demands or when travel was involved, but he absolutely enjoyed the flow and access to my money.

I shudder to think about the plans I made to move to the east coast, even petitioning upper management at work to build the new location in the city we were planning to retire. For me to agree to move from my native state, away from my family, friends, and everything I knew, reinforced my commitment to our relationship and our future together.

Another long Holiday weekend came. We were now over fifteen years into our relationship. I was looking forward to spending some uninterrupted time with him. He apparently had other ideas and disappeared for the entire weekend. When he finally contacted me, he sent a text message. He said he was with a buddy, “smoking a bowl” and included a picture via text, very convincing.

This wasn’t the first time he’d spent a long weekend with this guy, and quite frankly, I’d grown tired of it. On Sunday, he left me a message saying he over did it on the weekend and was going to rest for the day to prepare for work tomorrow. I felt hurt that he would rather “prepare for work” than spend time with me. He called the following day, when he had a free moment at work, and started with his sugary sweet apology of “Sweetheart.” He was so sorry he didn’t spend the weekend with me, and he didn’t know why he got caught up with his friends; he simply stated, “I fucked up.” This was the same apology I’d heard time after time. This time I interrupted him and let him know that I was tired of him disappearing over the long weekends with his friends, putting them first.

“You need to decide if you have room for a girlfriend in your life,” I said. My patience had run out.

I never once suspected that after fifteen plus years and with no direct indication of problems, he would end the relationship without warning or explanation. Agitated with him, I assumed he would call me or drop over to discuss the situation. When he didn’t call that evening, I felt hurt. When he didn’t call for the week, I was livid. My anger was palatable and the hurt I felt was disappointing. I realized, since he made no attempt to contact me that he was seriously considering ending the relationship.

I didn’t understand why. I considered going to his house to discuss things, but I knew it wasn’t a good idea because I was so angry but more importantly, I was tired of acting like his mother. So I waited for him to figure it all out without making it any easier for him.

The following Monday, he sent me a text, telling me about a mutual friend, who used to be his roommate. He had seen her over the weekend.

I replied, “Great. Are you not going to respond to my question?”

To my surprise, instead of calling me he texted, “I should be alone for a while to work through this.”

I was shocked, crushed, hurt, and so angry I could hardly breathe. My immediate reaction was, coward. After all the years together, he sent me a text to break up! What the fuck? He knew I was on my phone and available to talk, yet he texted. Unbelievable! My anger and shock got the best of me. I knew I would not be able to speak with him without hurt and anger taking over, so I sent him an email to come and pick his shit up from my home, thinking he would talk to me when he came over.

When he finally does shows up, three days later, he offers no explanation; in fact, he avoided any possibility of speaking to me by avoiding making eye contact and immediately taking his stuff outside to his car.

Instead of offering any explanation, he hugged me and said in his sweet, yet confused and conflicted, little voice, “I’m there for you if you need me.”

I was repelled by his touch, and did not return the hug. I felt so confused by his behavior I was speechless. I stepped back as he released me and looked into his eyes. He couldn’t maintain eye contact. He lowered his eyes as though he was ashamed, but again, he gave no explanation.

I felt confused. I could hear the sarcasm in my own voice as I asked, “Why would you even say that when you haven’t “been here” for the past three years? And why is that?”

To my amazement, instead of explaining his situation or his reasons for dumping me via text, he simply said, “You’re right” as he got into his car and drove away.

I was devastated. Again, I felt shock. No explanation, no apology, not even a fuck off. He had completely walked away without regard for me, or my feelings.

I asked myself, “Who the fuck is this guy?”

Two weeks of heart breaking agony and I still didn’t understand what happened. I couldn’t wrap my head around his behavior and his ability to walk away so callously, without emotion, without an explanation to help me understand. I constantly asked myself if this was real.

Our fifteen and a half-year relationship were over. Was that it? No word from him. No phone call. No email, not even a text message.

I emailed him, asking him to call me so we can talk. I wanted to understand, to get closure, and to move on. Unbelievably, I never once considered his statements of wanting to being “alone” or that he was “trying to work through this,” anything other than the truth. I trusted him completely. I needed to understand what happened to him, what happened to us as a couple.

He responded to the email. “I will call you on Friday.” Friday never came.

Months passed and his sister contacted me to ask me what was going on with him. She hadn’t heard from him since last Christmas. She has questions: “Is he mad at me? Is something wrong with him? Did I do something wrong?”

That was when I realized his family was unaware of our situation. He hadn’t told anyone about our break-up. As far as his family was concerned, he had completely disappeared from their lives. After some hesitation and inability to provide her with answers, I finally admitted that I didn’t have any idea what’s was going on because he broke up with me via text message a few months ago.

She was stunned and confused. She didn’t understand him or his behavior. His other family members began to call me to find out what had happened. Everyone expressed shocked by his behavior and could not understand how something like this could happen.

“What is wrong with him?” they all ask.

He continued to hide, and I had to do his dirty work. I was left to inform his family. This is a true trait of a coward.

Within months of the break up, I began seeing a therapist and tried to deal with my day-to-day life. I thought that “Friday” would eventually come; I would talk to him, and I would fine closure. However, I came to understand that those things were never going to happen. As cowards go, he would be considered a master.

Through therapy, I realized that the trust I had for him would never prepare me for the outcome, and yet, I still craved understanding; I wanted to know how something like this could happen. To be perfectly honest with myself as well as with my therapist, I finally admitted that once he texted me to break up and proved him self to be a coward, I no longer had any interest in trying to have a relationship with him. I was focused and only interested in understanding and finding closure.

Through all his selfish acts and his behavior through the years, this was the final straw, and I knew in my heart I was only interested in “real men.” I had no room for a coward in my life. Acknowledging this simple fact began my healing process. I still wanted to understand what had happen so I could move past the unknown and not make the same mistakes as I moved forward.

I accepted that he was dealing with something and that he was unable to share with me. I knew that something was completely consuming him to lead to this drastic change, but I respected his need to “be alone” to work through this, whatever “this” was. Knowing that he is completely selfish and self absorbed, I assumed that once he had “worked through this” he would then be in a position to talk to me about his personal issues and what had gone wrong between us. At this point in my life, a simple phone call would have allowed me the opportunity to get answers to my questions and appease my need for closure.

He knew me well enough, or should have known me well enough since I was always real and honest, to realize closure was critical for me to understand and make sense out of any situation. Closure would allow me to move on. I realized that he had managed, even in his absence, to manipulate my life, emotionally debilitating my ability to move forward.

Since he does not like confrontation, I initially did not consider his actions as an intentional act of manipulation on his part, but I soon found out differently.

Meanwhile, his family was still completely dismayed and wanted answers, but he had managed to completely disappear into an unknown and secret world.

I made it through the first year. I thought about calling him to ask how the “being alone” thing was working out for him, but I decided it would be belittling and in poor taste. Curious as it seems, he continued to remain in hiding, not contacting his family, or attending important family events. His family was livid with him and his behavior. He completely avoided any contact with anyone having contact with or a relationship with me. This continued for the entire year.

My therapist had told me that he was hiding something and that I should be prepared for some sort of revelation. Six weeks past the one-year anniversary of our break-up, the bomb dropped. His sister brought me the news.

He had a baby.

Based on the time frame of the birth, he had gotten someone pregnant within two months of our breakup. I knew that he is completely selfish, self-absorbed; he admitted openly, to anyone who asked, “I never want children.” He never wanted to come second to anyone. He never liked the fact that I put my own children and their needs before him. One time, I told him, “Never make me choose between you and my children because without question, you’ll lose.”

Knowing this single and most important fact about his true level of selfishness, when I found out about the baby, I knew immediately that this is not a “new” relationship. He would not be so careless about birth control with someone he just met. When I found out, the news felt like a staggering blow. My ears rang, and I prayed to God that me legs hold me up. I felt the bile as it rose to my throat, and I struggled to swallow as I asked the question, “With who?”

The woman’s name was familiar, but it didn’t register over the pounding of me heart. His sister was devastated by his betrayal. She physically shook, trying to keep her tears at bay, as her lips trembled with the words she spoke to me. I could hear the contempt in her voice as she expressed anger over what he had done and with whom he had done it. She had also figured out that this was not a new relationship.

Once again, he had not take responsibility for his actions. Someone else, his sister, did his dirty work for him. I hugged her and thank her for having my back as a true friend would. The rage, hurt, nausea and betrayal I felt were all consuming as I waved goodbye and forced myself to walk to confidently to my car. It took all my effort to remain calm. I was visibly shaken by the news, trying to absorb the bomb that had just been dropped in my lap. My pain began to simmer into a boiling rage as my world crashed around me.

In my rage and anger, I called his cell phone and left a message, letting him know what a fucking liar and cheat he was. I felt no relief. My anger became an unnatural rage. By the time, I reached home my emotions were out of control. I systematically removed everything from my house that had anything to do with him. I yanked his paintings from the walls, rip his pictures, and threw all the fake memories and lies into bags and boxes. I screamed with fury as I tossed everything in my car. My temper raged beyond its normal limits. My inner voice told me to go to his home, to dump everything in his parking space, and to leave a large note: Deal with Your Lies. My mind battled with the fury until finally I forced myself to be calm, to think, to get a grip on my emotions.

After that lengthy and thunderous battle with myself, I finally decided that it would not be a smart idea to do anything in my current state of mind. Once again, I talked myself down, and I did the right thing.

The following day, I spoke with his niece and ask if it’s ok to put his lies in her garage.

She said, “Throw it in the trash.”

“It’s not the right thing to do. They don’t belong to me. They never did.”

“You’re too nice, and he does not deserve your kindness,” she said.

After I unloaded the paintings, the gifts he had given me but bought with my money, and the items we had accumulated as a couple, I took a marker and wrote on the painting I now recognized as a self-portrait. The painting was of a man so white he was transparent, unrecognizable to the world, sitting in the dark, hiding in a corner, peering down to see the real world below as he hangs his head in shame. As a portrait, it captured the exact essence of the person who painted it. I wrote across the painting, describing the transparent version of what I thought was a real man. These words added passion and context to what was a flat and unemotional rendition of the man I thought I loved. Now the painting could be termed passionate and honest.

When he finally made time to pick up his lies, upon seeing the huge pile of items in his niece’s garage, his first reaction was “Wow,” his famous last words. It seems as if he thought I was suppose to feel privileged to keep his lies as a constant reminder of my gullibility and his deception.

My guess is that these items never made it back to his condo, but instead they went directly into the storage unit we once shared. He needs to continue to try and hide his lies from himself and everyone else, so that he can continue to pretend he has done nothing wrong.

I became emotionally disabled. I couldn’t eat or sleep. The rage and pain I felt wasn’t from the break up, or loss of the relationship, or even the love I once had for this imposter, but it was from the deep emotions I was experiencing. These emotions stemmed from the betrayal and deception he played out on me for over fifteen years of my life.

I now knew that he had betrayed me with callousness and calculation, and that he had been in another relationship for years. I knew he had never considered having a child. We had talked about adoption at one point, but he admitted that he was selfish and did not want the responsibility of a child. He liked his freedom and the ability to go somewhere in the spur of the moment. He did not want to be tied down with the responsibility or the cost of a child. He refused to sit next to children in a restaurant or to go anywhere during the day when children were around. Unless he felt he could achieve a specific result, he didn’t want to be around my grandchildren, who had known him their entire life as a grandfather figure.

This news affected me very deeply. I wanted to scream in rage at the betrayal I felt, but I forced myself to focus. As my instincts began to kick in, I knew this situation wasn’t as simple as it appeared. I realized that NEU had been trapped by an unwanted pregnancy. I thought back over the years of our relationship. When I replayed the conversation with his sister in my mind, I finally realized who the woman was, and I felt completely destroyed. She was the friend he’d stayed out all night with those many years ago. When I realized who she was, I knew their relationship had been on going for years.

My initial reaction as I began to put the pieces together is to refer to her as a “Whore.” It’s an odious word, but thoroughly appropriate because as everyone else knew we were in a relationship and I had met her when we began dating. She knew about me and our relationship and still agreed to be the other woman. Willingly and through his selfish deception he had turned a woman into a whore.

I thought about referring to her as “pizza” or “remote,” but only he would understand the reference. Often when we were on the phone, NEU would hang up abruptly saying the pizza had arrived. I now realized that she had arrived. Or he told me he had fallen asleep and apologized for not calling but he now had a bruise from falling asleep on the remote. In reality, no woman wants to be a whore; no woman is born a whore, but women become whores by the hand of another. In my rage she was a whore in reality she is just another of his victims. I will simply refer to her as “her”.

As a realization I had to accept that in her world, if she believed his lies and thought they were a couple, then I was the whore. The difference would be she was a willing participant in his deceptions. I was an unknowing dupe.

Which was worse? From my position, if she knew, then she was worse as she participated in his deception. Does this mean that I blamed her for what had happened? Was this her fault? No, I know that she could be and most likely is his victim too. He is callous and calculating, nothing he would do will surprise me. The lies and deceptions he had told me are most likely the same lies and deceptions he tells her; both of us have been deceived for years. I consider myself the lucky one at this point.

As I pieced things together, his many deceptions slowly evolved into a vivid and ugly picture. Seen in this new light, the past began to fall into place. Based on events I was able to decipher, I have created a fairly accurate timeline. Through conversation with his family, I also discover he had betrayed a family member as well as me. He did this without care or consideration for his own flesh and blood. This deception cut deeply into the basic foundation of his family. Although it had nothing to do with his betrayal toward me it compounded my understanding to the depths he will go to get exactly what he wants. This discovery provided me with a clear picture of the true monster he was and is. Anything, he did to me paled by comparison to the betrayal to his family.

I came to realize that as long as he achieved his goals, he didn’t care whom he hurt or what effect his actions had on other people. What a tragedy it would have been if I had retired with him and moved to the East Coast, away from everyone and everything I had known and loved. When I think about the plans we made for retirement, traveling, and experiencing an entire life together, I am incapable of truly understanding his long-term commitment to deceive and destroy me, my family, and his family.

NEU finally came out of hiding and visited his sister. He was mystified by her behavior. He could not understand her lack of enthusiasm in welcoming ‘her” and his child. He could not understand his sister’s anger and disappointment. He expected his family to overlook his behavior and accept him and his lies without question.

He believed that everything was about him and what he wanted. He didn’t care how he got what he wanted; he didn’t care who he hurt. He could not understand nor did he comprehend how the women in his family felt used and betrayed. In the past, men like him and women like “her” had betrayed them. They thought he was different; they thought he was a real man. When they discovered that he wasn’t the man he pretended to be, their adoration for him was destroyed.

He didn’t understand that his child is now a constant reminder to his entire family that he was not the man they believed him to be. More importantly, he was not the man he presented to the world. He doesn’t understand that his fall from grace was a reaction to his behavior. He doesn’t realize his cowardly and deceptive actions were and are unacceptable. His family has finally seen his true self. Now, he is ostracized from those who loved and idolized him. Yet, he still tries to win them over with lies and betrayals as he avoids taking responsibility for his destructive deception and behavior. His family cannot understand how he could hide his true self for forty-nine years, and no one, especially within his own family, saw that he was a liar, cheat, thief and coward.

I empathize with their distress at his betrayal, their pain in his deception and their disillusionment over his attempt to destroy the very fiber of their family. Living through this emotional period, his family and I have supported each other. I tried to find a trace of self-respect. That he had fooled his own family, easily betrayed his own flesh and blood, and had the ability to betray me are staggering realizations. There was no way that I could have known what kind of person he really was. His betrayal was complete.

I ruminated over the last fifteen years as I thought through the timeframe and the situations. I recalled his words, re-read letters he had written to me, and reflected on his behavior until I had pieced together what seemed like an astonishing picture of events and his years of deception. I asked myself how I could have ever considered loving someone who is so cold and calculated in everything he does. It wasn’t just me he treated this way; it was everyone. He betrayed those he was supposed to love.

I questioned everything about my relationship with him. I wondered how I had allowed this monster to contaminate everything about my family and my life.

I recall, with shame, that I had thought myself lucky to have a man as wonderful as my boyfriend. After experiencing a horrible marriage, I fell in love with the man he portrayed, but in his eyes, I was ripe for the picking and an easy target. I now realize the person I loved, trusted, and respected was not a real person; that person was only someone he wished he could be. Nothing about the man he pretended to impersonate was real, any act or deed he pretended to perpetrate throughout the duration of our relationship had no meaning other than him acting a part reflected by his greedy love of money and his self-love. The man I thought I knew and loved never actually existed.

It didn’t take long to realize that there might have been more women. I sent him a text message, asking how many others there had been. I knew I had to be tested for AIDS. Months passed, and I was still waiting for a reply to my text message. He is not only a coward but also an inconsiderate sexual predator.

Finally, I decided that my initials thoughts that NEU was experiencing a mid life crisis were right on target, but I completely missed the clues that he was “leading a double life” and the complexity of maintaining both separate lives was creating the crisis. My trust blinded me to the monster he truly was. Now, his mid life crisis had become cliché, and his life, which he really is, could only be described as a nightmare.

In his mind he is very special, above average and better than everyone else he comes into contact with. He is a narcissist. In reality, he is average and ordinary, not the extraordinary guy he presented to the world. He had to be asking himself, “How could this happen to me? How could this have fallen apart like this?”

NEU is a forty-nine-year-old coward, who is completely, in every sense of the word, self-absorbed, and at this stage in his life, he is responsible for another human being, which means he is no longer the center of attention. When I did the math, I realized that he will be sixty when his child is eleven. People will easily mistake him for the child’s grandfather. It would appear that his plans for a casual, carefree, travel filled retirement will have to wait for at least another eighteen years.

I recall how NEU laughed and made fun of my ex-husband for having children with another woman late in life; now he is doing the same damn thing with his life. I never thought, for even a brief moment, that I would say this, but my ex was a better man. At least my ex was not a coward, and he took responsibility for his actions, regardless of how badly he behaved. I can hear NEU’s words echoing though my mind as I recall him saying, “What idiot would have a child at his age? How could he be so stupid to get trapped like that?”

I snorted aloud as I realized that NEU is ten years older than my ex was when he became a “cliché” older man cheating on his wife and getting a woman pregnant. I imagine what NEU must see when he looks into the mirror. Does he see the man he condemned? Does he see his life of lies and thievery? Does he see the fifteen years he stole from me? Does he consider what he lost and all the people he destroyed by his own actions? Does he feel the slightest twinge of guilt for his path of destruction?

No. I don’t think so. He does not realize he has proven to everyone who is aware of his actions that he lacks honor, integrity and self-respect. Since he sees himself as guiltless, he will not accept responsibility for anything he has done, nor will he atone to anyone he has hurt or destroyed. He will not consider or concede any wrong doing for his actions. Why? Because he is narcissistic and self-centered, and he lives in a fake world and in a state of euphoria, believing he has deceived everyone. He has no thought or consideration for anyone other than himself.

Would he contemplate his actions and the destruction he caused for so many different people? Were his actions worth losing his family and friends who held him in high esteem? Can he sustain his self-worth?

I know when a family member asked him, “Was it worth it?” His response was, “No, no it wasn’t worth it.”

To him these questions are probably secondary to a more important question. How will he contrive to maintain the lifestyle he cherished while manipulating this new situation to his benefit? Without my money, he will be hard pressed to keep his standard of living. I feel nothing but hatred and loathing toward him for the chaos and pain he has created in so many people’s lives.

I know that he assumed everyone in his family would forgive and forget what he did. He didn’t think there would be accountability for his deception. He miscalculated his importance and the pain he caused his family. He still does not understand the depth of his betrayal. I now know him as a narcissist, who is incapable of sharing a mere second of any given moment with another person. If something is not what he wants, he believes it is not worth doing.

It’s a lose/lose situation for anyone involved with him. In reality, he’s an emotionally detached monster who has deluded himself into believing he is bigger and better than anyone else. As long as his world revolves around him, he will continue to manipulate those people who remain in his imaginary, secret little world.

He possesses no self-respect, so he is incapable of respecting others. He has no honor, morals, or ethics, so he can never love anyone, as much as he loves himself. There is no room for anyone else in his life unless that person has something he wants. Yet, once he gets what he wants, the people he used are no longer significant to him. He has no regrets. How could he? In his world he has done nothing wrong. I was simply a means to his end.

Statistically speaking, he will never change. If he makes any kind of effort and pretends to become human, it still does not erase what he as already done to so many people.

Through this journey of soul crushing truths, I now understand what he actually meant when he said, “You had done nothing wrong.” I now comprehend the real symbolism of him bringing his service medals to me and asking me to store them for him. This was a last ditch attempt to convenience himself he still had “honor.”

I believe that living a double life was taking its toll on him. He wanted to convince not only me but also his self that he had a smattering of honor. To do this required him to go to great measures to find a way to continue to masquerade as a real man. What better way to prove to me and to himself that he had honor and integrity than to hand over his coveted military medals? Now, I asked myself, why, when he told me that I hadn’t done anything wrong, why didn’t I ask him if he had done something wrong? He counted on the fact that I would continue to attribute his behavior to his mid-life crisis and I did. He had set me up perfectly.

I admit that I had grown tired of being the one to deal with the issues in our relationship; I felt as if I were becoming his mother. Dealing with his issues and making sure everything was all right was getting tiring. I was no longer willing to fix his problems. He was a grown man. He should be able to communicate and discuss things that were bothering him. I wanted to allow him to work through them. As I now know, he could not tell me what was bothering him because he was and is a coward, who could not face me or anyone as a real man would.

It seems that I am constantly organizing my thoughts and memories as I remember when I first met “her”. It was over fifteen years ago, when I first began dating him, and she lived in his apartment complex. This was when he was broke, drove a broken down car, and lived off of tuna, top romien noodles, and happy hour finger foods for dinner. Once I recalled this initial meeting of the other woman, I became physically ill. It has become a common occurrence that these memories make me ill. At the time, I didn’t understand the significance of what some incidents had meant. I trusted him. Now, I understand what was going on.

I recall how he stayed in contact with her over the years as a “friend.” When we first moved in together, he had helped her move on at least two occasions. He informs me that she had sued her previous employer and got a “grip” of money. At the time, he said, “I want me a piece of that.” I thought he was joking, but apparently he was stating want he literally wanted. He had mentioned the problems she was having with her other “baby daddy.” Now, I assume he was the problem the other man was experiencing.

He made rude, sarcastic comments about “her drama” and said, “She has issues and is needy.” Then he claimed, “She just needs a friend and someone to vent with.”

I asked, “Doesn’t she have friends to talk to? Why does she unload on you?”

The entire time I was thinking, “What a great friend he is.”

He always claimed that she unloaded on him because he was a good listener, which I thought he was too. He went out of his way to learned just enough about everything I was interested in so he could keep me engaged. He was a chameleon. Yet he never completed anything he began, not even a simple book.

I remember the night he stayed out late with “her” and her friends, an event, which turned into the catalyst for me asking for space and helping him save money to purchase his condo. He was too inconsiderate. I thought a separation from living together would enhance his appreciation of me. In retrospect, I realize this was the perfect setup for him and allowed him to continue and even escalate living his double life with ease and without questions.

I now accepted that she had been in NEU’s life from the beginning of our relationship. On second thought, I don’t think what I had with this coward could be termed a relationship. It was a long-term con job, not the loving, giving, respectful relationship he conned me into believing in.

As I consider everything about my life, I think that if I had only been insecure and needy, I could have been clingy and in desperate need of attention. I would have demanded that he be apart of everything in my life. I would have required his full attention. I would have dropped in unannounced on him at home when he wasn’t spending time with me, or I would have whined and cried about his inattention. I would have demanded that he be with me at all times. I would have paid more attention to the items in his home when I went to visit. I would not have respected his privacy. I would have answered his phone and read his mail. I would have questioned him about everything he did and applied pressure to get the specific information on how and with whom he was spending his time. I would have made demands that would have eventually led to a confrontation because he needs his space and his privacy. He would not have been able to maintain a relationship with two clingy, needy women who would have intruded into his ability to live a double life.

In fact, I was the perfect girlfriend for him. By trusting him and giving him space, I made it “easy” for him. Since I loved and trusted him unconditionally and lived my own life, which did not revolve around him, I gave him the space, the time, and the trust to lead his double life.

Trust takes years to build but only seconds to break.

Trust is a powerful emotion, and I discovered that it can be a used as weapon. He took my trust and used it to con me. Because of who I am, but I will not apologize for being a strong and independent woman.

Since he was able to fool his family for his entire life, I don’t blame myself for not knowing that our life together was a charade. I blamed myself at first, but once I thought it through, I realized that he didn’t just fool me; he fooled his family and my family and our friends. I bought into the persona he so easily portrayed. The words “Sweetheart,” “Baby,” “Pookie”, and “I love you” rolled off his tongue with the ease of someone practiced in deception.

How could I have known that even when we were fucking and he looked lovingly into my eyes and professed his love that he was a master of deception? How could I have known he was an imposter capable of committing to a cold and demoralizing long-term scam? I couldn’t. I didn’t.

No one around us or connected to us knew. No one who thought they knew him guessed that he was a manipulating, deceiver.

His betrayal and deception consume my thoughts and emotions. My rage and pain changes me into a person who is foreign to me. I obsessively pushed myself to get answers. I remembered when NEU said he always attracted the psycho chicks. Now, I understood that the women he is with start out as normal women, but they became psycho chicks when they learned who he is when he betrays them.

Now, I feel like a psycho chick.

With my newfound knowledge, I realized that he was not describing women as they were before they got involved with him but women after they had been deceived and driven over the edge by his lies and betrayals. By labeling past girlfriends this way, if one of these woman caught up to him, her behavior would fit his description and any accusations would be dismissed. This meant, in his terms, I was now a psycho chick, and he would use me to make his lies and deceptions appear true. He could once again cover his cowardly acts.

It was frightening and dreadful to realize that he had driven me to experience this level of hatred and anger. I had never hated anyone in my life. Now I do. This hatred drives me to do things I would not normally do.

For example, I decided to send “her” a message so that I could verify whether she was in on the scam or a victim. His family didn’t understand why I wanted to do this. I explained that I wanted to find out if she knew he was leading a double life, and if she knowingly cheated with a man in a relationship and enjoyed the money he had stolen from me. His family firmly believed she knew exactly what he’d been doing, and she had played her role as “her” to the fullest extent. Although they were adamant in their belief about her, I was determined to start somewhere and find out for sure.

I felt compelled to compile facts from the last fifteen years of my life. I had to do this because I felt as though those fifteen plus years of my life was a lie; I didn’t know what was true and what wasn’t—my life with him had all been lies. The life I had been leading wasn’t real. This realization ate at me, and I had to know. I carefully wade through all his lies.

I sent her a very detailed message, which included facts and specific timelines. I assumed that if she didn’t know about my relationship with NEU, she would respond in some way, even if she told me to go fuck myself. She didn’t respond, but a few days later, I noticed that she changed her Facebook profile information. For me, this was a confirmation that she had received my message, and as his family insisted, she knew about me and was a knowing and willing participant in his betrayal.

In addition to this confirmation, I began recalling the many times over the past fifteen years NEU said that he had to do this or that with or for his family. Now, as his family members and I begin to piece together the inconsistencies, his family told me that he didn’t attend these events, and in fact, I was the excuse he used for not participating in their family activities.

He told me he was meeting or going to such and such place with his nephew by marriage. It turned out that from the beginning of my relationship with NEU, his nephew by marriage was in on and assisted in his deceptions. He would tell me that he had to work on Saturday or go in on Sunday for a half-day of work to catch up and prepare for an upcoming special project. He claimed he was going to Oakland with a group of guys from work. He took a trip to Europe with his “new friends.” The trip to Europe I paid for as a birthday present. He always took hundreds of photos when he went on trips; when he returned from Europe, I saw very few photos of his birthday trip. His family saw none. He went to San Diego with the guys from work for a football game, or he rode the train with a group of friends for dinner. He went to celebrate a movie success with so and so. There were long weekends of hanging out with the “guys.” He had “man dates” with his best friend. He had to work late. On those occasions, he always told me he would be with someone I wouldn’t suspect or find it odd or usually that he would be with this person. Even though, I felt left out and was often hurt that he didn’t invite me on these outings and trips, I tired to support him in his art and wanted to be understanding that he had other friends outside our circle.

Now, I know and understand these trips, outings, and other excuses not to be with me were times he spent with her. He spent my money and stole my time to be with ‘her”. He used my trust to deceive and use me and my money.

How committed is someone who lives a double life?

The research I’ve done on his deception explains the depth someone will go to, to hide a secret life. I wondered how he explained to her when he was with me. On the two occasions we went to Jamaica. We went once for his high school friend’s wedding, and once as a vacation. There were other vacations to Catalina, Las Vegas, Sedona, Scottsdale, Northern California, Arizona, and on and on and on. Plus, we took many trips to look at and review property investments in other states and to visit family and friends through the years. I realized NEU told, and probably continues to tell her the same kind of stories he told me.

I wondered why, after so many years together, she would not question why they didn’t spend time with his family. Then I realized that when he called his sister and spilled the news about the birth of his child, it was part of the scam. I recalled the words his sister used when she told me about his phone call. He made it sound as if he wanted to fix the “rift” within the family. I can safely assume he led “her” to believe something had occurred within the family, and he was not speaking to them. The extent of his deception on all levels was very deep. I imagined, since he now had a child, the ‘her” probably convinced NEU to be the bigger person and reach out to his family. Now, whatever lies he used as the “rift” within the family could not possibly come close to or compare with his actual deception and betrayal that has now, in reality, fractured the entire family.

Then there was the matter of his childhood friends. I wondered how he explained and got around not introducing her to his friends. This led me to wonder what stories he told his childhood friends, the ones we vacationed with and attended their wedding. Were they in on the deception as well? Did they even know or had he conveniently neglected to tell them anything other than we broke-up? The friends I did speak with after our break up informed me that he had mentioned to them “it wasn’t working out between the two of us,” or “we were having a rough time,” so we both decided to break up. Hmm, more lies, covering his ass.

It annoyed me beyond reason to know he continued to masquerade his true self from even those he claimed a new friendship with, and I wondered how they would feel about his betrayal and lies to them when the truth comes out.

I know a deception this deep-seated and maliciously deliberate would cause anyone who came into contact with him to question everything he has done or said. Then I remind myself that she knew and was in on the charade as a willing participant. Now, I know and understand the extent to which he would go to keep up the deception and how easy it had been for him to deceive so many people.

Once, he described his break-up with his ex-girlfriend by calling her a psycho chick. His explanation of their break-up never made sense to me, nor did her reaction years later when he “happened” to see her. But now I know and understand that he betrayed her with the same level of cowardice and deception with his disappearing act. Her violent reaction to him years later, now made perfect sense to me because now I could understand how violated she must have felt. I will never know the depth or degree of pain and hurt that actually occurred in that liaison or even how he did it, but I now know his method of operation. He has not recently become a coward; he has always been a coward.

I continued my uncharacteristic, driven obsession in searching for my answers. I felt I had to obtain a better understanding of what actually happened over the course of our life together. I felt angry and betrayed that I had been in a “fake” relationship with this fake person. Everything would have been easier for me if he had the balls to man up and face me. I realized this will never happen. Cowards have no spine and lack the backbone to be responsible or act responsibly. When cowardice is mixed with a self-centered, self-absorbed, narcissistic personality like his, that person will never be accountable for or even interpret his actions as wrong in any way, shape, or form.

I persevered in my endeavors to discover as much of the truth as I could. I resentfully acknowledged he wasn’t man enough to face me when we were in a relationship or anytime afterwards. Regardless of how many times I asked what was wrong with him, what was going on with him, or what could I do to help him, he chose to continue to live a lie. I remembered in my frustration, I flat out asked him on several occasions what the fuck was going on with him. His answer was always the same. “Nothing Baby, I promise you there is nothing going on. I will work through this.” He always followed these claims with a creative explanation of what “occurred” in his lying, cheating world.

The primary fact in his success with all his deception was my trust. I again resentfully acknowledge my own ability to trust was used as a weapon against me. He was able to continue to live his lies because I was an honest, trusting person, and I believed that he was an honest and trusting person.

I also resent the fact he wouldn’t face me with the truth, which categorically removed my options for how I would deal with the situation. He took away my option to decide what would be best for me, and my human right to be involved in my own life decisions. I was not given the simple courtesy of choice because someone who didn’t respect my feelings or me took away my freedom to make my own choices and decisions. He made my choices inconsequential. Having no control over my life is blatantly cruel, especially when it was so callously calculated. I begrudged the helplessness I felt at not being in charge of my life, of unknowingly allowing someone else to have the power to use and manipulate me. All these feelings, mentally and physically, have sent me over the edge.

The lying and cheating I experienced in my marriage did not prepare me for this destructive experience.

Under normal circumstances, I am considered the go to person within the family. In any given situation, I can think through the logic and come to a reasonable solution. I am trusting, kind, giving, thoughtful, and I would never intentionally take steps to cause any level of misery or pain to another human being. I acknowledge that these are the human traits, which made it very easy for me to be duped, taken for a ride, and scammed for over fifteen years. I’m the person everyone comes to in a crisis. Now, I am in crisis and everyone feels helpless in assisting me through this dehumanizing experience.

As I discovered during therapy, I have graduated from hurt and anger to hatred. Realizing this emotional shift was an epiphany because hatred is the most powerful feeling I have ever experienced in my life. To state I “hate” another human being is terrifying. This hatred is frightening and at times a debilitating emotion.

I was astonished by my own thoughts of vengeance. These thoughts made me question my values, and I became fearful of the depth and the powerful influence my emotions had over my thoughts. I didn’t like the fact that my actions were being driven by hate. But the hate I harbored had enabled me to focus on the process of creating a timeline of events and to make sense of what had actually occurred through the years, but I didn’t like the pleasure I took in finding ways to make his life miserable.

My therapist said, “You need to go with it. Feel the pain and emotion. Embrace it and let it out. You are entitled to it after fifteen years of lies and deception. You must let it out and deal with it.”

This hatred was a raw and powerful emotion, which was all encompassing and consuming. With the driving strength of hatred came the understanding that I would never again trust another living soul. The sadness of this knowledge sat like a massive stone in the pit of my soul.

I have made a pact with myself: no one will ever do this to me again; I will never again allow another monster like him to violate me, or my family.

Mentally, I was waging a constant battle with myself. I was the kind of person who unconditionally loved the man NEU pretended to be. My heart still felt the unwavering love I had for the imposter. This unsettling clash of emotions was a daily occurrence. My heart was breaking, and my mind was convincing me that the relationship wasn’t real--nothing in my relationship with him had been real.

In my mind, I know the imposter never existed, but my heart wept in pain and agony as I let the emotion of loss invade my very soul. The strength and understanding of logic and reality fought to control and win the battle, but at times the heart-wrenching pain kept me weak with grief and made me do stupid things, like drunk calling or texting. I sobered up and admit the experience and journey through this unspeakable deception continues to wreak havoc and pain. My hatred intensified as my head battled to win this emotional struggle.

I wondered what it would have been like if he had really been the man he pretended to be and if he had put all the energy he used into living a double life into our relationship. What if he had lived with real honesty? I tell myself, never mind. He is incapable of anything other than loving himself.

In those rare and weak moments, I accepted that my heart may win a brief victory, but my mind and what I now know is real will win the final battle.

It took months, but I eventually eradicated the weakling who resides within my heart. The reality of what I had managed to piece together took shape. The past fifteen years of my life had been nothing more than a testament to his ability to commit to a scam with all the aplomb of a master. When I considered the number of people he had scammed, it was astonishing. Any action or event that occurred during this timeframe was not real. It had no meaning. It was only a means to an end for him.

What happened between us never had anything to do with his relationship with me, to our love, our mutual respect, or trust. It had everything to do with him and my money.

As I retraced the last eight years of our relationship, I asked myself why? Why did he want so desperately to get back in a relationship with me after I broke up with him? Especially when he was with ‘her”? Why would he not experience a huge relief to know he could now focus and concentrate on only one inconvenience? The only real answer was the money.

There was no other logical reason for him to purposefully live a double life unless he could take something tangible from it. The money was the focus of everything he did with me, and his goal was to get access to as much as he could. My head spun when I thought about all the money and property he was able to swindle from me throughout the years. Merely two years ago, I was worth over two million dollars, but now I’m bankrupt and find myself living from paycheck to paycheck.

In an ongoing conversation with myself, I found that it was a never-ending struggle to sort through all the lies and try to understand what had happened to me and to my family. This vile monster had completely disrupted my life. I have conceded the past fifteen years to joke status. I have been a joke. Everything I have done within the relationship has been a joke. The joke has been all at my expense.

My hatred continued to grow as each day passed. Each day brought a new memory of an act or an action that can now be explained and understood as deception he used to continue and hide his other life with “her”.

These days, my comfort lies in the pleasure I have taken in devising little reminders to make his life miserable. They are a few minor inconveniences, reminders to him of what he has done to me, to my family, and to his family. In my mind, he does not deserve to know anything other than misery for the rest of his life. At this point, my only wish is for him to experience, for the rest of his life, misery. When he laughs or has a joyous moment, it should be a brief, fleeting moment, one that doesn’t last longer than the flicker of an eyelash. I want him to be reminded of what he has done and to remember everyone he has hurt. When that brief memory of deception filters through his mind, then that one brief joyous moment will be gone and the misery will be back.

I asked myself if it was fair that his “her” had to continue to suffer for his actions, but she had no meaning to me or to my rage. So, I simply labeled her as “collateral damage.” He considered my family and his own family as collateral damage, subservient to his needs and wants. Since I have always put everyone else first, this was a whole new way of thinking. I moved forward without guilt as to what she may suffer. Getting restitution for the harm he had caused was the main factor. She had nothing to do with his decisions to deceive; she was only a product of this deception. He alone was responsible for his decisions and the outcomes of his actions.

There is no forgiveness for his actions, yet I know he would not stop deceiving anyone he came into contact with. I now understand exactly what it meant to be completely selfish and deceiving. He did these things; this was who he was and who he continues to be.

I recalled the point and time when we had agreed to move forward with our business. It was four years into the re-relationship. We agreed on a 50/50 partnership. He applied for the business license and eagerly researched processes, realtors, locations and properties. The goal was to build an income to support our early retirement. What I obviously didn’t know was his plan to supplement his current income without any intention of spending the rest of his life with me.

As it turned out, I supplied 99.9% of the funding, and he reaped 50% of the assets. I did this in trust, the trust and belief that we were planning on a future together. In reality, he had a cash flow to support his other life. His access to lines of credit, business charge cards, covered travel expenses, and 50% of the income tax revenue provided him with limitless options. He now had funds to wine and dine and create relationships within his other fake life, using my real money.

I reviewed the years of billing on the business charge card. Now, I had a record of the thousands of dollars he spent on trips, dinners, alcohol, and purchases in his other life with “her”. I never saw these purchases nor did I attend the events charged to the credit card. I have accepted the fact that I financed his other life, from grocery shopping to car repair for a Honda. I own three cars and none of them are a Honda. He doesn’t have a Honda. I wonder who does own a Honda. I wonder if she so easily accepts the fact that I paid for their life style. His nerve in spending my money on her and his other life paints an amazing picture of his greed. I guess he didn’t consider the paper path of discovery he was creating or the vivid picture of his true evil self he was immortalizing on paper.

Once again, I played right into his hands and made it possible for him to dupe me further. Was it a coincidence that the week prior his breaking up text message, I spoke with him about the current economic situation and the impact the downturn had on our business. Our money was getting tight, our cash was limited, and our cash flow had dwindled. After trying to keep the business afloat and using every penny I had to make it work, I was broke and would have to file bankruptcy to remedy the situation. Now, I realized that discussion about finances must have sent off warning bells, slamming him upside his head with the fact that his cash flow had just come to a sudden halt. Again, the credit card supports this theory since in the week before he dumped me he made multiple charges on the card up to the day before as he made his final purchase at an electronic store. With that realization, my importance to him had completely disappeared. Based on the multiple events I was able to recall and see in a new light, I could, with certainty, admit the driving force behind this scam was my money.

At this point I decided to contact my lawyer to discuss suing NEU for business fraud. I had previously received advice to contact NEU and attempt to resolve the issue out of court. Because of a conflict of interest, my lawyer referred me to another attorney who specialized in business fraud. After a visit to my CPA to verify the actual amount of money NEU had bilked from the business, I was stunned to find out exactly how many thousands of dollars he had stolen from me. A new level of rage filled me. I was willing to fight back for every penny.

Since my CPA’s office was close to NEU’s condo, I wrote a note to him, making one last attempt at resolving the matter. I went to his condo with every intention of just slipping the note under his door. At the door, I was surprised to hear someone moving about inside. Thinking he was home or his old roommate had moved back in, I knocked on the door.

His “her” opened the door. I looked at her, not recognizing her. She looks much different now, but I said, “That makes sense”. I handed her the note. “Would you give this to NEU?”

She sneered and said, “Sore loser.”

As the door closed in my face, I said, “Well you’re a Whore.”

Now, I was completely convinced that she knew about me all along. Why would she call me a sore loser, if she hadn’t known all along? She must have known about me from the very beginning of their relationship. In my mind, there was no longer any question about her culpability or role in going along with the scam he played on me to get my money.

As if my life was nothing more than a game to her, she had played her cards and believed she had won some sort of prize. I knew that she would soon learn she had only succeeded in hooking up with a man who would eventual bring pain and heartache into her life. Based on her words, she deserved what NEU would dish out to her.

It’s always a surprise to the other woman when she ends up walking in the betrayed woman’s shoes. Why is that? Why do women think that the man they have cheated with will treat them differently from the way the other woman was treated? A predator is a predator. I wouldn’t be surprised if NEU had already cheated on “her”. This woman obviously wanted NEU and believed that she was able to tie him down and change him. She thought she won the prize. She has won the booby prize.

As an adult, I know that no one can change another person, especially one that does not want to be changed. NEU always said, “Women are amazing in their ability to forgive.” This insight was something he relied on and used to his advantage, as though he were doing me a favor by allowing me or anyone else to forgive him.

I know now I will never forgive him for what he has intentionally done to me.

After slamming the door in my face, she must have read my note and immediately called or texted NEU. I left my cell number on the note. My cell rang as I reached my car.

When I answered, I recognized her voice. She initially tried to sound professional but swiftly swung toward hysterics as she screamed into the phone. “If you ever come near my child again, I will kill you.”

“Really?” Was I near a child? I didn’t recall seeing a child. “You chose to open the door. I would have slipped the note under the door.”

This short conversation made me realize that she had “leverage”—the child. She was obviously willing to use this to her advantage. I wondered why she would think I would care about her or any leverage she may have.

She yelled into the phone, “If you ever come to “my home” again—“

This was the proverbial last straw. I interrupted her ranting and let her know that I was the one who made the home she was currently living in possible. I bought all the furniture. In fact, the bed he fucked her in, I also bought. I let her know that she had benefited from the thousands of dollars and properties he was able to fleece from me.

I told her that I thought she was in on everything from the beginning, and that I would let my attorney know and discuss the possibility of suing her for collusion to fraud.

She screamed into the phone. “If you come near her child again, I will kill you.”

I disconnect the call. During this call, my phone was beeping. Later, I notice that NEU had texted me that he was in a meeting. After reflection, it’s obvious he still had my cell number in his phone. Since his nickname for me is so close to hers, he had texted me instead of her. His gall was amazing and getting sloppier by the day..

Within seconds, my phone rings. It was NEU.

“You went to my house?” he asked.

“Yes. And your “her” just called and threatened to kill me.”

“You’re going to sue me for business fraud?” His voice sounds incredulous. Apparently, he didn’t expect me to do anything about his fraud and thievery.

“Yes.” I then told him it was suggested that we resolve the issue between ourselves and avoid the court. “Would you meet me so we can talk about it?”

He hedged, but he reluctantly agreed to meet. “You want to meet about suing me, right?”

“Yes, among other things.”

He said he had plans, and I suggested that he make an hour available to discuss it. “It’s important.”

He continued to hedge but finally agreed to meet.

Fifteen minutes later, he phoned to change the meeting to another day because he claimed he could not change his plans. Again, he was avoiding confrontation and responsibility for his actions.

I reiterated, “It’s important.”

“You’re being spiteful,” he said.

“Maybe, but I have a right to my feelings about what you have done to me.” I was attempting to hold my anger in check.

“I did stuff too.”

That set me off. The venomous words poured out. “Let’s call it what it really is—vengeful. You stole fifteen years of my life. You took me for every fucking penny I had, and I want it back. You lied, you cheated, and you stole from me. Sarcastically I said, “you sure did do stuff too. Boy did you ever.”

He, of course, completely shut down because this is a confrontational situation. After several more minutes of him trying to figure out how to talk his way out of the conversation, he eventually agreed to meet me on another day.

Three hours later, he left a message on my cell. In his sternest voice, he told me he would not meet me and to never contact him again. So now it’s my fault that he has gotten caught in his own lies.

I wasn’t surprised he backed out of our meeting. He had proven, over and over, that he was a coward. As if he were the victim in his lies, deceits, and betrayals, he would continue to play his part. I knew he would try to lie his way out of this situation just as he had a thousand other times, but now, this time around, it wasn’t working, not with me.

I rethought my phone conversation with “her”. I believe that she did know “some” of what had actually occurred. Because of her reaction to the information I had left on the note, I reconsidered my assumption that she knew about everything. The phone conversation made me think he had duped her about certain things. She may not have realized how long he had been living a double life or that my money provided everything he currently owned and had made his life with her possible, but I felt certain she did know he had been in a relationship with me since she met me when we first began dating.

Since the truth was not something that came easy to NEU. He wasn’t capable of honesty, and it seemed logical that he’d lied to her too. The way he got what he wanted was to lie and cheat and steal for it. It was hard to tell what lengths he had gone to maintain both lives he had been living.

The following day I spoke to the new attorney and discovered I was so broke I could not afford to pay an attorney to represent me. There is, however, a seven-year statute of limitations on business fraud, so all was not lost. When my finances are better, and they will be, I can still take him to court and get my money back.

After going over my memories, timelines, etc., I realized the last bittersweet memory I carried, before I found out about his double life, was our last trip together. We went to San Diego on the train for his birthday. It was my first train ride. Unforgettable. Right? I added another experience to the list of firsts with him. I specifically recalled how adamant he had been that he picked me up instead meeting at his place, which was two blocks from the train station. I commented on how ridiculous this was, since it was out of the way and would mean he would have to double back, but he convinced me he wanted to make the trip special. As usual, I fell for his lies, and once again, thought how lucky I was to have someone so sweet and considerate, later to find out he had also charged the trip on the credit card.

We had a great time together, and I looked forward to spending the rest of the evening with him to celebrate his birthday, but he took me straight home. His excuse was, “I have some errands to finish up before it gets too late.”

Again, I was disappointed. I assumed he was in a dark place, still working out some “getting older” problems, but I was hoping he would eventually come out of his darkness and step back into the light. I thought about going to his house to check on him. I thought that turning another year older was troubling him more than he let on. He wasn’t dealing with aging very well. But I decided to give him his space, and let him work through it.

In retrospect, I understand why he did not want me at his house. His “her” was already living with him. This meant, due to the timing, he made sure he had gotten his percentage of the income tax return while he was already living with ‘her”. He took as much of my money as he could up until the day before dumping me. Regardless of what anyone tries to say, it was only about my money.

I find I have to continually remind myself to accept that nothing in the past fifteen plus years was real. He didn’t do anything out of consideration or respect for me, or my feelings. Every moment of everyday for over fifteen years was a lie. For 5,658 days, 135,792 hours, and 8,147,520 minutes, my life was a lie. In my mind and heart, I know this betrayal was the worst experience of my life. That’s saying something based on my past experiences.

Daily, I battle memories that invaded my mind and soul. Everything he did was a calculated plan to separate me from my money, nothing more. I tell myself over and over to remember this one simple fact and never, ever forget it.

The day following our phone conversation, he sent me a text message. He said that he lied to me and to his “her”, but now he had told her everything. He wrote that she was taking the child and leaving him. I felt this is the smartest thing she had done, but I’m not taking the bait. I replied to his text, inquiring why she called me a “sore loser,” if she didn’t already know what was going on. My response was, “Sounds to me like you’re both playing a game. You always said if you do something long enough, it will fall apart. You’re still a coward, using text messages.”

He apparently didn’t appreciate that I threw his words back at him, reminding him just who and what he really was.

He sent another message, “No contact. Stop texting.”

I snorted and laughed aloud. Now, I understood. He was mad at me because he betrayed and deceived me. To add insult to injury, he wanted me to respect his request when he had never shown me a single ounce of respect, which in fact I completely deserved. He deceived and betrayed everyone in his life and I am to blame because he got caught. This was irony in its finest form.

As a coward does, he continued to cover up and lie. I know he didn’t have the ability to tell anyone “everything,” let alone tell someone the truth. I realized that I didn’t believe his text message. He was a liar--nothing he said had any true meaning, and he was incapable of comprehending what truth was. Since he could not grasp the depth of what he had done, his statement that he had told her everything meant nothing to me. His definition of “telling her everything” would be telling her his version of events, which would only mean more lies to cover his other lies.

I smiled knowing he had suffered in some small way, but I knew the suffering was fleeting. Deep down, I experienced very little satisfaction because I knew playing with my life and the lives of other people was only a game to him. Ultimately, he was covering his ass. On the other hand, he was experiencing some misery. I felt myself sink into the pleasure of knowing that for the moment, as brief as it may have been, he was very unhappy.

I had interpreted his text as a pretense to protect “her”. Since I already informed her about the circumstances of NEU and my business arrange, she now knew that she had benefited from my money. Perhaps I had frightened her with my threat to include her in the lawsuit? If she confronted him with all this, he was again covering all bases, nothing more; nothing less, just more lies.

For several months after our break up, I had received phone calls for NEU, and I had passed messages to him. To protect him, I hadn’t given out his phone number. Upon reflection about the phone calls and the messages I had passed long, I realized that his life and financial circumstances were bleak. In the last few months, I had received weekly, sometimes daily, calls for him. Many of them were from bill collectors trying to reach him.

Now, I was ready to let him field his own calls. I decided to give callers his cell number so he could deal with his own mess, using his cell minutes. It had become apparent, based on the information I had garnered, that he had managed to spend all the money he took from me. Knowing he didn’t have a head for money, I had expected the money to eventually run out. I hadn’t expected it to happen so quickly. He must have been living high on the hog and without access to the credit card was apparently forced to use up whatever cash money he had left.

I felt satisfied, knowing he must be suffering. He could no longer pretend to be the “big man,” nor can he afford to hang out with his new group of friends, who actually do have money. When they realized he is out of money, they will not appreciate the proverbial “hanger on.” His pretend and fabricated world seemed to be caving in on him as all his lies began to surface.

I gleefully admitted the Internet is a beautiful thing. The information I was able to locate allowed me to confirm that he was definitely in a negative financial “situation.” Unfortunately, this would make it difficult if not impossible for me to get my money back. If he were broke, what would I get? I now know I would have to bide my time.

All in all, there was still satisfaction in knowing that he wasn’t smart enough to plan ahead and stash some money away. After further research, I discovered the one property he was able to wrangle from me, by conveniently “forgetting” to add my name to the title, had now gone into foreclosure and had been sold two months earlier. Apparently, he decided it was more important to spend the income from the rental property to “live on” and supplement his life style than to pay the mortgage.

To sum up, I now know he is in multiple collections; he has lost the one income property he wrangled from me; he no longer has my money to pretend he was something he was not. It could get better. I would love to see him lose everything I made possible for him to have. He could end up right back where he started, nowhere. Now that I think about it, we had once discussed getting an off shore account to protect our money. He made two trips to Europe—one, I paid for and now know he took his “her” with him. The first trip, he went with a friend, and he would have had the freedom to actually open this type of account. I wondered if he had been smart enough to hide the money or did he blindly spend it as if he were someone he obviously was not? This was food for thought.

Through my research, I stumbled onto his MySpace account. I wasn’t surprised to see he created the account eleven years into our relationship, and his status was listed as “single.” What was even more shocking was under the questions “kids” he stated: “likes them but not for me.” He was pretty ballsy for advertising his single status and blatantly stating he didn’t want kids, especially since his child was now going on 3 months old! I thought his might be useful information, but I was still shocked by his blatant disregard for anyone other than himself.

When I started thinking about his MySpace site, I developed a plan. I had friends with MySpace accounts. I decided to get someone to hit him up and see what would come of it. I wanted to see how dedicated he was to “her” and his continuing role as an imposter.

My “friend” changed her picture to fit with someone he would be attracted to and who, strangely enough, it looked like her. The next day, my friend hit him up, and he responded. He offered to meet her for drinks and to catch up. I wasn’t surprised by his quick reaction. He had a vacant spot to fill. He mentioned in his message that he was in a relationship, but even though he had never met her, he still wanted to hook up with her. His oversized ego was such that he didn’t question when my friend claimed to have met him—it was a nonexistent initial meeting that was made up.

When he logged into his account, he made some updates, but he didn’t change his single status or change his “kids aren’t for me” status. I wondered about how easy he found it to betray anyone close to him, yet I wasn’t surprised that he still claimed to be single, that he ignored the fact he had a child, or that when my friend contacted him, his ego accepted it as the truth. Why? Because he met someone like her, somewhere, with the intent to hook up.

He is the only person he cares about.

His response to my friend’s message solidified for me that he was a predator. During a conversation with one of his “boys,” I planted specific information, knowing the information would get back to him. It didn’t take long and yes, he did exactly as I predicted--he shut down his MySpace account to hide his lies from “her”. This was a simple act and admission of guilt as he revealed his need to cover up the fact that he was always, and always would be, on the prowl.

I heard through the grapevine that he told a mutual friend that she would “probably” be leaving him and taking the “boy.” This statement was more annoying to me than anyone could possibly imagine. Not that the situation had been down graded from “leaving” to “probably leaving,” which didn’t surprise me. With a child, in her forties, and desperately wanting to believe he is the man he pretends to be. I knew she would not leave unless there was no other option open to her. On the other hand, at least she would have options. What annoyed me was that he referred to his child as the “boy.” I found this reprehensible. It is another horrifying realization of how detached and unemotional he really is. I knew he had no thought for anyone other than himself, but to be so detached from his own child sickened me.

I recall the multiple heated discussions I had with NEU, when he had acted as if his family was a nuisance and an obligation, but I never dreamed he would behave so unemotionally toward his child. I remember I once had mentioned what a good father he would be, but my comment was about the man he pretended to be, not the real NEU. He only cares about himself. His choice of words, as minor as they seemed, tells a bigger story when one pays attention to what he is actually saying, not what he means.

I remember the hurt in my granddaughter’s eyes when she discovered NEU had just disappeared out of her life. He had been in her life from birth. Granted she wasn’t allowed to call him grandpa, but she had known him her entire life, and she had a special connection to him. He had been her grandfather figure for eleven years.

The expression in her eyes and the hurt in her voice when she said, “What? He’s gone, just like that” increased my hatred for him. The hurt and bewilderment on her sweet face was burned into my memory forever. I can feel the hate grow each time I recall the look of pain and betrayal on her innocent, beautiful little face. He had known and been a part of my daughter’s life for half of her life. His relationships with my family meant nothing to him it was only a means to an end for him.

He didn’t care when he walked away from his family, from me, and my family. He didn’t care, nor was he concerned about the hurt and pain he created when he disappeared. He didn’t care when his deception became public. My hate continued to grow with each memory, and it frightened me when I realized there were over fifteen years worth of lies and deception to account for. How much hate can one person have for another person?

Life just keeps getting better. I went to the doctor because I had a cold, (I hadn’t been sick in over a year, coincidence?). The doctor was very concerned about my drastic weight loss and began questioning me. After a brief description of my experience over the past few months, he agreed that the weight loss was attributed to stress and told me to eat. I was supposed to eat a lot. I asked him to request an AIDS test. He shook his head as he huffed and said, “Yes, not only AIDS, but you will also need to be tested for syphilis, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea and HPV.” He told me that more than likely the monster had had multiple partners, and I couldn’t be too careful.

I was speechless, mortified, and embarrassed. Then I realized this was why NEU did not reply when I asked him via text about how many partners he had had through our years together. Once again, the deception just didn’t stop. Now, I was nervous to a whole new level as I waited for the results. I had my fingers crossed and mustered up as much hope as possible hoping I would not spend the rest of my life paying for his lies and deceptions.

I know that as soon as it suits him to start another life, he will walk away from “her” and his child. It is inevitable. He will do it with the same level of cowardice, and lack of emotion he has displayed in my situation and in the past. It’s only a matter of time before he strikes again. I now know the destruction he creates.

She will want to continue to believe he’s the man he pretends to be, and she will want to trust him and believe the things he tells her are true. However, I and everyone else he has hurt by his recent actions have become living proof of how life will eventually turn out for anyone he becomes involved with. The difference in my situation verse his current victim is that she now has information, which gives her the opportunity to make a choice as to stay, based on what she knows, or to leave. I didn’t have a choice. The choices were made for me without my knowledge or input. Either way, her relationship with him will end the same as mine has with pain, hurt, and sorrow because it suits him to do so as a coward.

All has been quiet since my verbal confrontation with NEU. Yet, daily, I continue to remember occurrences and situations that now make sense and fit into place. I now realize the feeling of discomfort I had the few times I was with his new group of friends was because they assumed I was the “other woman or his whore.” His betrayal extended to his new friends, who, like me, believe him to be a good man. Yet, sometimes I wonder if they were in on the deception, deep down I know he has deceived them as well as me.

I wonder how betrayed they will feel when the truth comes out, and they realize he is not who he pretends to be. I also realize the “mutual friend” he text me about when he dumped me, knew he was leading a double life when she was his roommate and did nothing to inform me. The last time I saw her, he lead me to believe she was mad at me. I didn’t understand this at the time, but now I know when his roommate came home and saw me, she realized he had lied to her too. It explains why she suddenly moved out and disappeared for two years without contacting him. He continued to blame her for the rift stating, “She wasn’t pulling her weight”, and “she is messed up”. I can assume she confronted him about the double life he was leading and all the lies he was telling. So, he simply removed her from his life. She knew too much, which put his plan at risk.

NEU knew he would be dumping me, so it was good timing to contact her again and let her know that he was no longer with me. He had resolved the issue and was now the good guy once again. I wonder if she would be surprised to learn that he lied to her yet again. I doubt it, what’s one more lie among thousands?

It boggles the mind when I think about all the lies he had to tell and how hard it must have been to remember everything he had done and said, and to whom he said it. Toward the end, he was getting sloppy with little things such as telling me, I had already seen a movie I hadn’t seen. I joked and said, “You must have seen it with your other girlfriend.” I never once thought that was the absolute truth.

I’ve heard it said that lying is an art. NEU could definitely be considered a master. In the days when his family and friends adored and idealized him, a family member told him that he should give classes on how to have the perfect relationship because he and I were the perfect couple living the perfect life. Now that the real person he is has been exposed, everyone agrees he could easily teach a class on lies and deception: “How to Successfully Live a Double Life and Make Money at It.”

I contemplated the events of the relationship over and over. This obsession won’t stop until I could say with confidence that I completely understand what occurred in my fake life with him. My brain refuses to stop. I suddenly recalled my attorney’s words. When I asked him to take me case, he said he had “a conflict of interest.” I realized that NEU was also his client. This was the same attorney I used to file bankruptcy and a conflicted did not exist then when I knew that NEU had used the same attorney. This same attorney stressed that I needed to know if I could collect the money from NEU. His words were I needed “collect ability” when I spent money to sue someone. I put two and two together and figured out that NEU was using the same attorney to file bankruptcy and the attorney was indirectly warning me to be cautious; he knew that NEU didn’t have money or the means to repay me.

We began dating in Dec of 93 so in 32 years of his life he amassed his great fortune of one entertainment center consisting of a TV, stereo, receiver, VCR, Laser Disk and speakers. He owned a cheap sofa and love seat with matching end tables. Along with a used bed that the good will would not take. His clothing consisted of two pairs of shoes, 5 pairs of pants, seven shirts and one foot locker. You could also include one box of kitchen items which included towels and finally, one broken down car that never ran. At a generous rate you could say he was worth about $1500. In 32 years these are the things he was able to achieve through hard work using his brilliant wit and ingenuity.

He would now have you believe that in the 15 plus years we were together this same person, the one who was worth a whopping $1500, miraculously and on his own merit, is where he is today and able to live the life he has because he alone achieved it. He managed to gain a fully furnished condo, a rental income property, a new car, money in the bank, a walk in closet full of clothes and the ability to state he has traveled abroad. My net worth at the time of meeting him was complete furnishings for a four bedroom home, a new car for myself and 2 children, about $130,000 in savings, IRA’s, 401k rollover and stocks all totaling approximately $580,000 as liquid-able; plus a large monthly spousal support income. When he was done with me I was able to salvage the home I purchased and my cars, everything else, gone. What a coincidence wouldn’t you say?

Would anyone really believe the same person was able to achieve all of the above in half the time he “amassed” his great wealth of $1500. If you would happen to believe this, you would then have to wonder why he has now managed to squander every penny he stole from me, lost income property to foreclosure, and is now in bankruptcy. Hopefully, he will return to his days of living in a crappy apartment complex, with cheap furniture, eating tuna and Top Romien, and having to down grade his car to another piece of junk. Someone who does not earn or merit those things they have stolen from another, do not know how to appreciate and maintain them and will inevitably end up back where they started and in this case, where he belongs.

These things are exactly what he deserves. His life would then come full circle, and he would be right back where I found him and where he belongs, nowhere. He can then look back at where he started and where he ended up and remember everything he lost through his lies and deceptions. He can decide whether it was all worth it. I’m sure he will think it was worth it because it was what he wanted to do. If his current victim cannot provide the monetary resources he desires, he will find someone who can.

I wondered if she paid attention when I told “her” he stole my money; now that he was in bankruptcy, I wondered if she accepted this as the truth. He is very secretive, sly and crafty, but it would be almost impossible to cover every aspect of the bankruptcy process from someone who is living with him. So, unless she’s completely clueless, she would have to realize why he is now broke. Why he is no longer able to wine and dine her as he use to. Why he is not buying her nice things or flying off with her for a long weekend. Or she might ask him, “What happen to your Amex card?” She would, at some point, realize he no longer had access to the unlimited funds he had stolen from me.

I have to ask myself if it is true what he said about her lawsuit all those years ago. If she did receive a lot of money from the corporation she sued, and if he was being truthful rather than joking when he said, “I’d like to get a piece of that,” then maybe she is the new money train? When I told him I was broke, perhaps that was the deciding factor for him to move on? The next time someone knocks on her door, it won’t be me. It will be a new woman he is using, another disaster.

This week, one of his contrived long weekends when he had often disappeared, I see he has deleted all his accounts from the Internet. I wonder what kind of misery was heaped upon his head. Maybe it was an ultimatum from “her” to get him off the Internet and shut down his options as a predator? Most likely, he was trying to hide more lies and deceptions from “her”. This will be a short term solution, unless she is prepared to spend twenty four hours a day with him, check all his email, screen his phone calls, read his texts, his tweets, pick up his mail, and search the Internet to make sure he hasn’t found a new mode of communication.

He will still find ways to get what he wants regardless of any actions taken to monitor him twenty four hours a day. He is most likely already in a second relationship, or is moving toward one, “reeling in a new woman”—his terminology.

This would mean his current “her” would become his back up. He will not remain idle for long because it’s the only way he knows to get the money he craves. I wonder why he continues to do the same thing over and over, knowing it will not turn out well now that he has been exposed. I’ve realized that he does not believe there is anything wrong in his lies and deceptions. How can there be anything wrong with what he does when that’s exactly what he wants to do?

Narcissism: excessive self love and self admiration.

Inflated ego: an exaggerated sense of self-importance and a feeling of superiority to other people.

Self absorbed: excessively concerned with one’s own life and interests.

Selfish: Concerned with one’s own interests, needs, and wishes while ignoring those of others.

Double Life: a situation in which somebody is simultaneously involved in two sets of circumstances or relationships and keeps each completely separate, and usually secret, from the other.

When I combine the definitions above with an emotional detached person, who only lives for himself, I have a complete picture of the imposter and coward who plagued my life and my family’s lives for over fifteen years. That “thing” that inhuman deceiver who could completely destroy the very fiber of another person without thought or consideration can only be called a monster.

There were little signs I could have scrutinized through the relationship. They didn’t mean much individually but when you put them all together his acts actually betrayed him. Our first date, The Mask, that’s telling in it’s self. Cutthroat Island is his motto. Devils advocate, his mantra. His love for movies betrays who he really is as he uses music to relate his true feelings because he’s not concerned enough about another person to think in his own words.

This biggest tell was his lack of ethics. He has taken from his employer, laptops, furniture, and big screen projectors for his personal use or given to “friends”. His biggest coup is selling his employers property and pocketing the money for his own use. When I asked him about it he said it was a “perk” and that it was not a problem but was actually encouraged by his employer. I told him it seemed like stealing, he said, “Nope, it’s available to all employees to take as they like.” Since I foolishly trusted and believed in him at that time I did not question it. I didn’t think it was right or ethical but he was adamant about it being okay. Now, I would have to say he has not only stole from me but anyone he can take advantage of, including his employer.

So many little things I missed that now make perfect sense. I have now learned to pay attention, very close attention to everything

So here I am. After months of crazy, manic, obsessive behavior, which included not sleeping or eating, spending all my time researching on the Internet and becoming an obsessive nutcase, I have finally reached a point where I feel I have managed to fill in the blanks of the past fifteen plus years of my life; the years he manipulated and stole from me. I admit this accounting may not be completely accurate or spot on, but it’s pretty dam close to the actual truth based on time lines and events I was able to personally recall and piece together, using written letters, documentation, and the help of others.

As a side note, all events and information I have gathered has not been included because it would take this from a short memoir to a long overly detailed recounting. It would be impossible, without his assistance, to recreate over fifteen years of lies and deceptions. Yet, I feel I have hit the majority of the defining events.

I also know it’s no longer important to speak with him to get the answers to my now obsolete questions. I’ve managed to fill in the blanks and understand what has taken place during my “fake” life with him.

I am grateful for the love and support of my family, his family, and my friends. I realize that I am not the loser in this situation. In fact, he has sacrificed everything and everyone in his life, who loved, trusted and respected him. He has lost everything as he chose to live a life comprised of lies and betrayal. He will remain an empty and lonely shell of a coward for the rest of his life. He will no longer know the love and respect of his family and friends. I know he deserves nothing more than the misery and heartache he himself has created for so many others. I have overcome the devil, and I am able to walk away with my self-respect, the love of family and friends, and I can only hope he will experience misery and unhappiness for the rest of his life.

He will never know true happiness, love or joy because he is himself unable to find it within himself. He does not respect himself, which means he will never be able to respect another. His life is based on lies and deception, so those who cross his path will eventually know only heartache and pain.

Through it all, I have come out of the darkness a stronger, smarter, and tougher person. I see the saying “You get what you give” as true. I cling to the hope that this statement is true; I hope that his life will continue to be filled with deception and destruction aimed at him. On the other hand, I look forward with hope that there is a real man out there who has self-respect, honesty, trust, loyalty and most importantly, honor.

I have had an epiphany. I am over him. It’s like a sweet song in my mind, and I say it aloud, “He never deserved me when he had me, and he does not deserve another moment of my time.” I am done; I’m over him.

The weight of months of stress, sleep and crazy uncharacteristic behavior had been lifted. I can now take a deep breath and know I’m better off.

The memories of fake experiences will flit through my mind, and again “poof,” I will have another epiphany. Sometimes the new insights don’t come in the most brilliant of environments, but who can say when an epiphany is going to strike. I was in a public restroom, and I realized what if I had not respected his privacy and had answered his phone ten years ago when he stayed out all night with “her”? What if I had not trusted him and went through his personal items? What if I had made demands on him to know everything he did and questioned his integrity? The who, the what, the when and where. What if I pushed and nagged and argued to get to the bottom of his issues because I could not honor him as a person? I was considering these ifs not because I wanted to stay in a relationship with him, but because if I had done those things I would have discovered the truth, confronted the situation and would have had the option and choice to end our relationship years ago.

I loved, trusted and respected him, which is why I didn’t do those other things. I did nothing wrong. In fact, I did it right, there are no ifs for me. If he felt he wanted or needed less than I offered him and then found another person who fit that need, it’s not a if from me. It is his life choice to lie, cheat, steal and destroy which takes me right back to him never deserving me to begin with. His deception and destruction are entirely his own doing. No one else had anything to do with his decision to live without honor, no one other than himself.

I innately knew this, but the realization that there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently is liberating. I lived in honor; he cannot say the same.

If I were able to ask him only one question, it would have to be this; “Why did you decided to “pretend” to act like a real man, instead of actually choosing to be that man you pretended to be?” Then again, I already know the answer to this question as I embrace the fact that it no longer matters to me. It’s his loss, not mine.

The difficulty I continue to experience with my memories is unexplainable. Even after my epiphanies, I find myself constantly struggling with random memories. I deal with these flashes of memories on a daily basis. When I hear a conversation or a song, or see a movie or hear certain words, memories pop into my mind. I’m unable to stop the thoughts from flitting through my consciousness. The things NEU and I experienced together, the places we traveled, all of the “firsts” we experienced together haunt me on a regular basis. Everyday I relive something from the past, whether it’s finding a ticket stub in my jacket of going to MOMA and finding the brochure from the Wright tour in Arizona, or coming upon pictures from Sedona. I hear someone mention Jamaica, or going out of state to a football game, or recounting a romantic weekend just spent in my favorite get away up north. I read a book and I remember his “bedtime stories” and how they always ended with “and he fucked her.” I feel he should have said “fucked her over.”

I hear Sean Connery’s voice and cringe when I remember the messages he use to leave in his best Sean Connery impersonation, and I can no longer bear to hear a song by Sade as it causes the memories of when we first began dating to flood into my brain. Unfortunately, Michael Buble is a thing of the past. Sorry, Michael. I spend each day telling myself over and over that each memory was a lie; everything I experienced with him was a lie.

I continue to remain strong and fight the fight. I do not give into the sentiments and the memories. I am resolute in beating my mind into submission and accepting the truth. At some point, the battle will cease as each memory is excised from my mind and a new reality, experience, and “real” memory I have created will replace these painful scars. The battle continues, but I am a fighter and a survivor. I will not accept anything other than triumph.

This however is not an easy road to travel, and it has been one fucked up trip, but I will not concede on any level. I will wipe out this entire experience from my life. I am actively working on making new memories, which are real, true, and honest. I’ve taken a vow that no one will ever make a joke or a lie out of me, or my life again.

Since I started writing this something has come to light. It was a fluky little thing, but now, I have to retract some of my comments about “her”. I posted his picture on a liar’s website to warn all women of what he is capable of doing. She apparently snoops on me through Facebook and found the link to the site. She then went to this liar’s site and publicly called me out by name. In doing this, she has made it very clear that she did not know nor does she believe the real truth of what NEU has done to me, her or all the other people.

I’m not surprised that she feels this way. He does not know what the truth is and is an excellent liar. It’s obvious that he has fed her lies as well. I now know that she was not a willing or knowing participant in his deception, but instead, she reacted to me based on the lies he has fed her. Even though her responses on our chance meeting came across as if she were in on the deception and a willing participant, it is now apparent she only knows whatever lies he has told her. I would lean toward the line he fed me about the other women he was involved with: “I attract all the psycho chicks.” So I would take a wild guess that I am now under the status of psycho chick.

On this liar site she has gone ballistic. I believe she knows deep down that all the information and statements on this site are true yet she remains in denial.

She crossed the line on this site with slanderous and defaming statements of character aimed directly at me. It was an enlightening experience in working with the web master from the site and discovering the truth and level of her desperate attempt to make sense out of all the negative information she has recently received. With the information I have I could press charges against her and cause major havoc and pain within her life. But he is responsible for everything that has occurred, not her.

He continues to allow this mess to grow with more lies instead of addressing and resolving it as he continues to hide in the darkness as cowards do. If he had the smallest amount of respect for her he would clean up this mess and end it once and for all. If for no other reason than to prove he is committed to her. The problem is, he loves no one but him self and to take responsibility for his actions would mean admitting he did something wrong. This will never occur in a Narcissist life.

His deep betrayal, lies, destruction, and deceptions have continued at a new level with her. Unfortunately, he will not stop. It’s all he knows how to do. He has once again proven he is a complete an utter monster.

My intention has never been, nor will it be, to directly confront or blame her for his despicable acts. He is solely responsible for his decision to lie, cheat, steal, and destroy other people’s lives. As I now know, she will soon be walking in my shoes, and she will soon be going through the emotional upheaval I am currently struggling to overcome.

My focus continues to be on my recovery. I will do whatever it takes to erase this imposed and destructive course of events from my life, and I hope he spends the rest of his life at the same level of misery and pain he has created for others. Once again, he deserves nothing less.

Someone asked me if I was trying to break them up. Adamantly as I shake my head I say, “NO.”

The person’s confused response was “Really? Why?”

I try to compose my thoughts as I take a deep cleansing breath before answering. I wanted to make sure my response comes out in the manner of my thought process. I confidently respond, “Ultimately, my goal is to assure him a lifetime of misery. Marriage would bind him to being responsible for “his family” and will certainly end badly for him. The fact that she now knows, at the least, he has cheated on her for years as he lived a double life, will make her cautious and suspicious.” I know this is true from personal experience with my ex. I was married to a man who cheated on me for years. I know this knowledge will eat at her as each day passes, she will want to believe in him but deep down she will know the truth. Then certain things will come out into the light, and she will forgive him, yet again. He will count on that. She may forgive him, but she will never forget. This is how and when the change begins. The trust or what’s left of it will eventually die and no longer exist. She will become unhappier, confrontational, and withholding. The arguments will increase as the cheating will continue, and then one day, he’s gone.” Through this natural process of deception she will make his life miserable and that’s where my goal lies, in his misery.

When it’s all said and done, he does not care and will disappear when he has set up another new life. Nothing else will matter. His misery will only increase while he is in this deceptive relationship, so I am counting on her desire to be the “big winner,” and I hope she continues to be determined to believe in him.

My best projection would be that it could potentially last ten to fifteen years. His misery for ten or fifteen years would help make up for the years I lost. My final response to this person was, “This would be a befitting punishment for his complete and utter disregard for me as a human being.”

This might sound like the out-of -control ravings of a lunatic. I have written with the depth of true pain and agony. I have tried to be honest about my journey. I wanted to present the progression from pain and despair to reality. I want people to understand the raw and emotional breakdown of heartache and pain caused by an emotionally unavailable person. People need to understand the unbelievable deception driven by narcissism, greed, and most importantly, the far-reaching affect a selfish bastard can have on a person. I hope that my story might save other people from falling into the trap of believing someone like this.

Writing this has been therapy for my soul; the soul he so callously tried to destroy. It has helped me to deal with and understand my feelings as I worked through the atrocious process and pain of dealing with this devastating, life altering experience. I now know that a simple act of kindness, courtesy, and respect from him would have lessened my pain and would have helped me work through this. If he had allowed me to understand the situation and given me the choice to make decisions about my life, I wouldn’t have experienced the outrage and hatred I now harbor toward him. When my right to decide was ruthlessly taken away as an option, no one could expect me to quietly fade into the night without causing or wanting retribution. I want to repay the pain that was meted out to me.

A person’s decision to act without honor and self-respect will always create a negative and destructive outcome. It is cause and effect. He knows the real me, as I am not the imposter, he should know that I wouldn’t let this happen to me without fighting back. I want to counter his calculated lies and deceptions with plans to ensure his misery and unhappiness will be returned in kind. My personal happiness will be realized when everyone who comes in contact with him knows the true person he is and not the imposter he pretends to be.

In closing out this chapter of my life, I recognize I have always lived my life with love, honesty, trust, and goodness, for myself as well as others. The one thing I have achieved from this short biography is a cleansing of pain and heartache along with a certain level of embarrassment when people I know may read my words.

It has been a difficult journey to put my pain in print, but it has also been cathartic. I grasp the fact that I finally have had the big “epiphany.” After letting my rage take control and letting it cleanse its way out of me, I lost control over my rage, and in so doing, I feared what these feeling would do to me. But there is no need for fear in healing yourself.

In letting my emotions go, I have been set free. Emotionally and intellectually, I acknowledge that he was not worthy of me.

I hope that I have educated at least one woman. If I can prevent him, or anyone like him, from continuing his scam on another unsuspecting woman, I will be satisfied. Anyone who knows the “fake” person will not believe this account. He has likely told a completely different version of this story and will take the position that this story is all lies. There is no accountability in his words or actions. He only knows how to fabricate lies and deceptions to further his goals and to appear to be what he wants you to see.

You may not like or agree with what you’ve just read. You may actually find it hard to believe on many different levels, especially if you know the perpetrator of this deception. However, know this as the truth from the one who lived through it. Those of you, who know this writer, will not question what is written, simply because she has always been direct and honest, even when you didn’t want her to be. You may have even “lived” through it with her and experienced the pain of his deception first hand. You may have helped research or disseminate the available information to put meaning and perspective to the actual events.

Special thanks of gratitude go out to my family, his family, and my friends. Thank you all for your support, comfort, and understanding. To everyone who rallied around me in my time of need, I appreciate all the suggestions and ideas as to how to work through the pain and anger. Also, to the offers to “eliminate the equation” again, these offers are appreciated but not necessary. Thank you all for your patience and kindness during the stubborn and hardheaded debates, discussions, and emotional breakdowns. Good things came out of every frustrating moment. To have friends and family who love so deeply and loyally makes me the richest person I know. Thank you all.

E. J. Senter

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[1] From this point on, I will use the pronoun he; however, keep in mind that emotionally unavailable and/or narcissistic people can be male or female.

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