Razor Planet



“BRAVE ENOUGH TO SAY YOU’RE SORRY”I Want To See You Be BraveJune 8, 2014Cornerstone Community ChurchOf all the words that are hard to say, these are probably the hardest: “I’m sorry.” Three simple words. Doesn’t take long to say them. Not hard to pronounce. But, oh, so very, very hard to say.For most of us our first experience with giving an apology was probably when we were kids and our mom or dad made us apologize. Maybe we broke a neighbor’s window, or we ran over their flowers with our bike. And when our parents found out what we had done, they made it very clear what we were supposed to do – we needed to march right over there (walking not being an option, apparently) and tell Mrs. Olson that we were sorry we had wrecked her petunia garden. It was the last thing in the world we wanted to do. There had to be some other way, we argued. She probably wouldn’t even notice that her flowers had been run over. Or she probably thought some dog had done it – dogs mess up flower beds, you know. But mom and dad would have none of it. So while mom stood at the door of our house watching, we slowly walked over to Mrs. Olson’s, held our breath and rang the doorbell.Now what happened next may well have set the tone for any future apologies we needed to make. For example, if Mrs. Olson was nice about it, if she expressed gratitude that we had the courage to come tell her the truth and to tell her we were sorry, if she was willing to forgive us for running over her precious petunias, we learned that while it’s not exactly fun to apologize, an apology is an effective way of restoring a damaged relationship. But for some of us that first apology may well have been far more traumatic. Let’s say we broke Mrs. Olson’s window playing baseball in the street. Mrs. Olson had warned us about playing baseball in the street; she warned us that one day one of us was going to break a window. And she was right. Mom said we had to go apologize; we had to offer to pay for the broken window, though we had no idea how we were going to do that. So we did what mom said we had to do. We marched over to Mrs. Olson’s, we confessed what we had done, we offered to pay for the window, and then we waited for Mrs. Olson to pat us on the head and tell us, “That’s OK; it was an accident.” But that’s not what she said. She was angry. Her face got all red. Then she gave us a lecture, a long one and a loud one. And when she was done, she told us to bring the money for the window the next day, and then she slammed the door in our face.And what did we learn from that? We learned that the last thing we ever wanted to do was to apologize, because instead of making things better, it just made things painfully worse.We’ve all probably had some of each kind of experience, haven’t we? Some of them went well. Some of them, though they were hard, really did make things better. We felt better, and the person to whom we apologized felt better. And some of them didn’t go well at all. Despite our apology, the relationship was never the same. And every time we thought of that person we felt shame and hurt and even a little bit bitter.And that’s one reason it’s so hard and so scary to say, “I’m sorry.” When we say those words to someone, we’re taking a risk. Most of the time we don’t know how the other person is going to react. We don’t know if our apology will be accepted or rejected, whether the person will forgive us or tell us to go pound sand. Here’s another reason we are sometimes reluctant to apologize – we don’t want the other person to know that we’re the one at fault. If we just keep quiet, we think, the person will certainly know that something bad happened, but they may never know who did it. And if they don’t know who did it, they can’t be mad at me, even if I’m the one who did it.I mowed lawns as a kid back in Minnesota for about six or seven of our neighbors, starting when I was 12. My next door neighbor was a radio personality; we listened to him on the radio every morning. One of the sponsors of the show was a lawn mower company, so my neighbor – Mr. Boone – asked me to use the sponsor’s lawn mower when I mowed his lawn. When I went to mow his lawn the next week, the lawn mower was tucked in his garage right next to Mr. Boone’s Porsche. It looked like a tight fit, but I was pretty sure I could squeeze the lawn mower out without a problem. And at first I convinced myself that I had gotten the lawn mower out without getting too close to the car. But just before I started the mower up I thought I’d better double check. And there, to my horror, was a long scratch down the side of Mr. Boone’s very expensive car.My first reaction was panic. And then I had this thought: “If I don’t say anything, he’ll never know how his car got scratched.” I’m not proud that’s the thought that came to mind, but at that moment it seemed to be the only way out of a very bad situation. After all, I was 12; I made $6 for every lawn I mowed. It would take me forever to pay Mr. Boone back for the damage I had caused … to his Porsche. All I had to do was keep quiet, and nothing bad would happen.Plus here’s the thing – this was an accident. I didn’t mean to scratch Mr. Boone’s Porsche. And in a way, it was kind of his fault for putting the lawn mower so close to his car to begin with. Plus Mr. Boone made lots of money, and I was sure he had insurance, so financially speaking, this would be no big deal for him.Those were the kind of thoughts that went over and over in my mind as I mowed Mr. Boone’s lawn that day. Now in retrospect I will acknowledge this – it wouldn’t have taken a genius to figure out how the car had been scratched. Looking back, it would have been quite obvious what had happened. But in that moment, I was quite sure that if I kept quiet Mr. Boone would never know who scratched his car.But there was only one right thing to do, and I knew it. Mom and Dad didn’t need to give me the lecture; God had given me a conscience, like the one he’s given you, and I didn’t have any doubts about what was right and what was wrong. That night I went back to tell Mr. Boone what had happened, not really having any idea how he would react. I half expected him to tell the story on the radio the next morning, about how his idiot neighbor trashed his Porsche with a lawn mower. But Mr. Boone could not have been kinder or more forgiving. And I could not have been more grateful.Now not every apology I’ve made since that day has gone quite as well. There have been times when I’ve apologized and the person would have none of it, when they sent me on my way and the relationship never got better. But here’s what my experience with Mr. Boone taught me – if I’ve done wrong, then the right thing to do is to apologize. It’s the right thing to do even if the other person might never know that I was the one who did the wrong. It’s the right thing to do no whether I can afford to pay the person back or not for the damage I caused. It’s the right thing to do even if I didn’t intend the harm I caused. And it’s the right thing to do even if I don’t know whether the other person will forgive me or not. If I’ve done wrong, the right thing to do is to apologize.The Wrong Way To ApologizeOf course, there’s a right way to apologize and a wrong way to apologize. Randy Paucsh, author of the bestselling book “The Last Lecture,” has an entire chapter entitled, “A bad apology is worse than no apology.” Want an example?In July of 2004 the Herald-Ledger, the leading newspaper of Lexington, Kentucky, issued this very weak apology: “It has come to the editor’s attention that the Herald-Ledger neglected to cover the civil-rights movement. We regret the omission.” Really? That’s it? For 40 years you refused to offer any news coverage of a multitude of wrongful acts of discrimination or laws passed to make discrimination illegal, and all you can say is, “We regret the omission?” Here’s another one. Most of you have heard of Pete Rose, the baseball player who got more hits than any other player in history and who was banned from baseball for betting on games. He not only bet on games other teams played; he bet on games his teams played. In 2004, after years of denying that he gambled on baseball, Rose finally admitted his wrongdoing. And how did he do it? He signed a bunch of baseballs with this apology: “I’m sorry I bet on baseball. Pete Rose.” And then he sold those baseballs for $299 each. If you’re going to apologize, might as well get paid for it.Ken Sande, author of the book “The Peacemaker,” wrote this about the wrong way to apologize for doing wrong:Many people have never experienced this freedom [from past wrongs] because they have never learned how to confess their wrongs honestly and unconditionally. Instead they use words like these: ‘I’m sorry if I hurt you.’ ‘Let’s just forget the past.’ …‘I guess it’s not all your fault’ … The best way to ruin a confession is to use words that shift the blame to others or that appear to minimize or excuse your guilt. The most common way to do this is to say, ‘I’m sorry if I’ve done something to upset you.’ The word if ruins this confession, because it implies that you do not know whether or not you did wrong. The message you are communicating is this: ‘Obviously you’re upset about something. I don’t know that I have done anything wrong, but just to get you off my back I’ll give you a token apology. By the way, since I don’t know whether I have done anything wrong, I certainly don’t know what I should do differently in the future. Therefore, don’t expect me to change. It’s only a matter of time before I do the same thing again.’ Clearly, that is no confession at all.You’ve probably heard some bad apologies. You may have even given some. So let’s just agree that any apology that uses the word “if” or “but” in it is a bad apology. As is any apology that shifts the blame to the other person. You’ve heard this one: “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” What that apology suggests is that the person whose feelings were hurt is a weak person. A tougher person wouldn’t have been hurt when you insulted their haircut or their intelligence or family. If what I said hurt you, they suggest, they you just need to get thicker skin. That’s a bad apology.How To ApologizeBut enough of the bad apologies; let’s spend the rest of our morning on the right and healthy way to say we’re sorry. Oh, and while we’re at it, let’s acknowledge that this is the worst slogan of all time: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” That line comes from the 1970 movie “Love Story,” and has been voted as the 13th most memorable movie line of all time. But we all know it’s simply not true. Even “The Simpsons” of cartoon fame ridiculed that line in a 2004 episode. The truth is just the opposite – if you love someone and you hurt that person, you need to be brave enough to step up and say “I’m sorry.”Now the Bible doesn’t give us any particular rules on how to say we’re sorry, but the Bible does make it quite clear that this is something we as Christ-followers very much need to do. In Proverbs the Bible says, “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13) In James 5:16 the Bible commands us to “confess your sins to each other …” In Romans Paul says this: “Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18) Do you remember the parable of the prodigal son? A rich man had two sons. The younger son demanded that his father give him his share of the inheritance right away; he didn’t want to wait until his father died. The younger son then turned his back on his family and went off on his own, but he lost everything and ended up eating pig food to keep from starving. And then the story turns. As Jesus tells the story, the younger son “came to his senses.” The younger son heads back home and returns to his father and delivers this apology: “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” (Luke 15:21) Notice the younger son doesn’t say, “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt when I told you I wished you were dead so I could get my money sooner.” He doesn’t say, “I’m sorry if you were offended just because I wanted to try to do things my own way.” He owns up to his wrongdoing and he says, “Father, I’ve sinned. I sinned against God and I sinned against you. I don’t deserve to be called your son.”Social scientists and psychologists tell us that there are four essential components to an effective, healthy apology. This isn’t a guarantee that the other person will respond the way you hope they respond. They may still tell you to take a hike. They may slam the door in your face. That’s out of our control. But the apology is under our control; it’s the right thing to do, and we want to do it in the right way.So here are the four “R’s” of a good apology – regret, responsibility, remedy and repentance. First, there’s regret. When we make an apology we need to communicate that we genuinely and sincerely feel badly about what we’ve done and about the damage we’ve caused. One author puts it this way – he says that a good apology is one in which we share the pain of the person we’ve hurt. Not only did we hurt them, but we hurt with them. And to do that means we need to make the effort to see things from their perspective, to get into their skin and feel their pain.The second “R” of a good apology is responsibility. When we apologize we offer no excuses for what we did. Benjamin Franklin once wrote, “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” We need to clearly communicate to our friend that the fault is all ours. We may have meant to hurt them or we may not have meant to hurt them, but the fact is that we did something that caused our friend pain or that damaged something important to them, and we are without excuse. Or, if that’s just too hard, you could do what some due in certain parts of China – hire someone to apologize for you. It’s called the Tianjin Apology and Gift Center, whose motto is “We Say Sorry For You.” And the fee schedule is quite reasonable – just $2.50 per apology. Here’s hoping that doesn’t catch on here.It’s this aspect of the apology that makes apologizing so hard for so many of us, this “taking responsibility” part. This is where our pride gets in the way, because most of us don’t enjoy admitting that we made a mistake, or worse, that we intentionally did something wrong. But for an apology to be an apology, it’s precisely what we need to do. We express regret, and we accept responsibility.Then there’s the third “R” of a healthy apology – remedy. We can’t undo the past, but it’s often possible to repair the harm we’ve caused. While I was writing this message I was at our home while some HVAC employees installed a new furnace and air conditioner in the upstairs part of our house. Halfway through the morning I heard some noise that didn’t sound quite right, and a little while later one of the employees came down to “fess up” to what happened. He was working in the attic when his foot slipped off the joist and he went part way through the ceiling into our upstairs hallway. No one was hurt, fortunately, which was our first concern. But what to do? After explaining what happened, the employee told me how sorry he was – he expressed sincere regret. And while it was clearly an accident, he took responsibility. He owned up to it – the damage was his fault. But if he had stopped there, I would not have been happy. The damage needed to be repaired. He needed to remedy the problem. Which of course he promised to do. Sometimes it’s not that simple, though, is it? You can’t repair broken trust with some sheet rock and paint. You can’t remedy a broken heart with a gift card. Some suggest that in that situation – in a situation where there’s simply no way to undo the damage you’ve done – the best thing you can do is to give permission to the person you’ve hurt to fully express to you their hurt and their anger over the wrong you’ve done. Give them a chance to let the words fall out and to say what they need to say while you give them your full attention.And then there’s one more “R” that’s necessary – repentance. To repent is to turn. It means you’ve been going in one direction and you turn around and head in the opposite direction. In this situation your repentance is in the form of a promise – you promise not to do it again. You got drunk and you got in your car and you caused an accident. Yes, you express regret. Yes, you accept responsibility. Yes, you remedy the damage you caused. But here’s what everyone hurt by your actions needs to hear from you – your promise not to do it again. They need to know that you are repentant. Because if you just plan to do it all again, well, that’s not a very good apology. That’s not going to restore your relationship. That’s not going to lead to reconciliation. If you were unfaithful to your partner, he or she needs you – among many other things – to look them in the eye and to give them your word – never again. You repent.One last question we sometimes have about apologies – how long do I wait to apologize? For example, do I wait for the person to “cool down” or to “get over it” before I make the attempt? I can’t give you any strict rules, but social scientists tell us that apologies that are given promptly are much more often accepted by the offended person than are apologies that come long after the hurtful event. When we wait to apologize, even though we might think we’re just giving our friend time to cool off, the victim tends to think that we simply don’t care about their feelings. So they move on. They don’t only get over “it” – they get over the relationship. So generally speaking, don’t wait. Once you are able to offer a sincere, genuine, heartfelt apology, do it.And if there is any hard and fast rules about when to apologize, it’s this – do it before it’s too late. Some of you might remember a musical group from the 1960s and 1970s called the Allman Brothers. I played a couple of their albums ad nauseum when I was in college. In his 2012 memoir entitled “My Cross To Bear,” Gregg Allman, the lead singer of the band, recounts the regret he carries to this day over his brother Duane’s death. Duane, for you musicians, was voted in 2003 by Rolling Stone magazine as the second best guitarist of all time, behind only Jimi Hendrix. Duane was one year older than Gregg, and the two of them were the best of friends. But as happens, they had an argument. It was 1971. Gregg had given Duane money to buy drugs. When Duane failed to produce the drugs, Gregg broke into his brother’s house, stole the drugs and then lied to his brother about it. Shortly after their fight, Duane took off on his motorcycle, had an accident and was killed. And here’s what Gregg Allman writes: “The last thing I ever said to my brother was a lie … I have thought about that lie every day of my life, and I just keep recrucifying myself for it … But the thing is, I never got the chance to tell him the truth.”Do you remember the name Patti Davis? She was the daughter of President Reagan. In the 1980s, while her father was President, Patti Davis spoke at a number of rallies opposing her father’s policies, including one rally in front of 100,000 people at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, in which she led a chant calling on her father to resign. She knew it hurt her father, but at the time she didn’t care. Some years later her father invited her to sit down and talk things out, but Patti refused. And then the time came when Patti had a change of heart. She realized that she had acted not so much out of political conviction as she had from personal vendetta. She realized she needed to apologize; she wanted to apologize.But it was too late. Oh, President Reagan was still alive, but now he had Alzheimer’s. More than once Patti looked into her dad’s eyes and told her she was sorry, but he gave no indication he understood who she was or what she was saying.So if there is a hard and fast rule about when to apologize, it’s this – do it before it’s too late. And here’s the good news. It might be too late to reconcile with someone you’ve hurt. But it’s not too late to reconcile with God. In 1995 a 34 year old man named John Claypool walked into a country church in Minnesota; he wanted to talk to Pastor Roger Thompson about something that happened 20 years before. He was 14 at the time and had been experimenting with marijuana and alcohol. For no good reason, other than being high, he decided to shoot and kill the town’s mayor and his wife. He was a free man; there was no warrant for his arrest. No one was tracking him down. But John Claypool knew it was way past time to make things right. No, he couldn’t bring back the people he had killed; he couldn’t remedy the damage he had done. But he would pay for his crime; he would do his time in prison. And most importantly for John Claypool, he would get himself right with God – before it was too late. Let me close by reading to you some of the verses John Claypool claimed as his own that day in 1995: “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.’ And you forgave the guilt of my sin.” (Psalm 32:3-5) So let’s be brave. Let’s be brave enough to say we’re sorry to each other, and pray those we’ve offended will be gracious to us. And let’s be brave enough to say we’re sorry to our Lord and God, whose grace – we already know – is greater than all our sins. ................
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