THE UNCOVEROR



THE UNCOVEROR

Revealing the things they don’t want you to know. It’s the real news!

Issue 29

BUSH VISITS INDIA AND PAKISTAN. GREETS INDIAN PRIME MINISTER WITH "HOW, KEMOSABE".

By Coleen Smith, Staff Reporter

President Bush made several embarrassing gaffes in his recent visits to India and Pakistan. Once he referred to Pakistanis as Arabs, saying "I believe that a prosperous, democratic Pakistan will be a steadfast partner for America, a peaceful neighbor for India and a force for freedom and moderation in the Arab world." The White House later said that he meant Muslim. I spoke to Jeffery Mathers, a White House aide who said, "You need to cut The President some slack. We only recently got him to say Arab correctly instead of pronouncing it 'Ay-rab'. He still hasn't grasped that all the people who pray to Allah and accept Muhammad as his prophet are Muslims, but not all Muslims are Arabs. We are confident that he will learn the difference soon. It wasn't quite as bad as what he did in India." Mathers explained that Bush held up his arm saying "How, Kemosabe!", greeting Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. Bush said that he had learned that traditional Indian greeting by watching The Lone Ranger. Mathers told me "The President hasn't gotten out of his regular social circle very often. Prime Minister Singh understands that. It is just like over there when the higher castes don't hang around with the untouchables. Who can blame him for being a little confused, asking why no one was wearing feathered headdresses and so many looked like Hare Krishnas at the airport."

Bush was there in the hopes of reaching a nuclear accord with New Delhi, a hard sell considering that India has not signed the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. "America and India have become good friends," Bush said. "Where would our computer companies be without India? But we can be better friends if we can all agree about what to do with the nuculer stuff."

On his visit to Pakistan, calling them Arabs was not his only gaffe. He joined a cricket match with Pakistani youths, and said: "I've seen this game on TV. It is an English version of our baseball called beetle or grasshopper, some kind [pic]

of bug name like that. Probably because the bats are so good for squishing bugs. It must be real easy with these big flat bats. The little round ones we use are harder to hit balls with." In spite of his claims that cricket must be easy, he didn't seem to take to it very well.

Bush briefly visited Afghanistan, but didn't seem to understand why he was there. A brief stop in Saudi Arabia was also part of his trip. Mathers said that The President wanted to personally assure "Bandar Bush", Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud, that he really did not mean it when he announced his advanced energy initiative. It was just speechmaking, saying that the US would break its addiction to middle eastern oil and get serious about alternative energy sources like ethanol and hydrogen. "That was just some politicing, Bandar old buddy!" The President told him. "We have to tell people things like that. Some of the Congressmen and Senators in my party don't have paperless touch screen voting yet, and will have to fight hard to be re-elected. We will keep buying all the oil you have to sell as long as you have it. Don't worry. That's what friends are for."

AMERICAN IDOL RIGGED! VOTES COUNTED ON DIEBOLD HARDWARE.

by Colleen Smith, staff reporter

Election scandal has come to America's favorite reality show. Fans have suspected that something was amiss since Ruben Studdard, and now the cat is out of the bag. The most popular singers have not been winning. The voices of voters across this great land have not been heard. Accusations of Paula Abdul having an affair with a contestant, and Simon Cowell kicking puppies are insignificant compared to this. I spoke to an insider at Diebold whom I will refer to as "Woody". He says that the RIAA are the [pic]real snake in the grass here. The whole point of the show is to sell records, and the executives of the record labels allegedly know better than the viewing public what they can sell. They run the show behind the scenes, and contracted with Diebold to tabulate the votes as they saw fit. As Joseph Stalin said, those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.

An independent audit was done of actual phone logs the nights of the shows. In season three, Latoya London had gotten the most calls each week, but Diebold machines declared her a loser in one of the late elimination rounds. Based on phone logs however, there is no way that Fantasia was the most popular. Leah LaBelle was also ousted before her fans stopped calling.

Season four also showed wide discrepancies between phone logs and official tallies. Carrie Underwood should have been voted off a considerable time before the finals, yet was ultimately declared the winner in spite of Bo Bice lighting up switchboards on a consistent basis.

I sought out comment from the first, and only confirmed legitimate winner of the contest, Kelly Clarkson. She refused to speak to me, but I cannot help but suspect she learned of this sham long before I did, and that is why she has refused to allow current contestants to perform her songs. She did not even thank the show in her acceptance speech at the Grammy Awards.

Can season five be saved, or is another phony champion going to be pushed on America by Diebold and the RIAA? Perhaps the American people can still make a difference. Call Fox Television and let them know that you won't stand for this. The very institution of reality television is at stake. Call them today!

FREE SECOND DIP LEADS TO VIOLENCE AT ICE CREAM PARLOR

By Naven Jones, Freelance Investigative Journalist.

"You know the line for ice cream ends back here!" a female patron exclaimed, believing she had been cut in line. "Hey!" replied another woman, "We've been here a long time." That is how it started. By the time it was over, it was sundae bloody sundae. The convenience store that runs the ice cream parlor asked not to reveal its name. "This was a freak occurrence", said the clerk who ran the register. "Nothing like this has happened before, and it shouldn't again. I don't want people to think this isn't a safe place to bring your kids."

"They are offering a second dip of ice cream for no more money", said an eyewitness too embarrassed to give his name, "so everyone for miles around was showing up. They had two girls scooping out the ice cream and making malts, and a man running the cash register. That was nowhere near enough to handle the crowd, especially when it's also a gas station and a little grocery store. I was sitting down and enjoying two scoops of chocolate chip on a cake cone. I was lucky enough to beat the crowd, but they were there in no time. I overhead some guy say in a fake Russian accent, "Zees remind me of the old country when we would wait in line for zee bread." It couldn't have been a minute later that those two women started in on each other. I went back to my ice cream, barely noticing that the second lady changed her mind about getting ice cream and only made sure her kids got some. She had to walk past the [expletive deleted] who started it to get to the cash register, and she pulled a knife out of her purse!"

After the ensuing fracas was brought to a close, one patron left in an ambulance, and two others in the back of police cruisers.

NEW NINTENDO PORTABLE TO BE CALLED "WEEWII"

By Colleen Smith, Staff Reporter

To compete with Sony and Microsoft producing portable versions of their console systems, and as a follow-up to their own hits DS and Gameboy, Nintendo will soon introduce a new portable. It will be a smaller version of Wii, the system previously known as Revolution. This new mini system, I kid you not, will be called "WeeWii".

[pic]

I talked to a company spokesman at E3 named Hiroshi, who told me more about the unit. "The Wii has been the highlight of this show, and our new portable version will be unveiled soon. We have decided to use the Gaelic word for small to describe the system, and have thus dubbed it 'WeeWii'. I imagine that in addition to its meaning of 'a little Wii', some will also think of 'Yes, Yes' in French. Nintendo is confident that no one will bother with Sony's PSP or any Microsoft player when they have their WeeWii available!"

I laughed out loud at what I thought was a little joke about boys and their toys, and asked him if players would need to worry about going blind, or growing hair on their palms. I also asked if video game fans don't already play with their wee-wees enough. He looked at me with a confused expression. I pointed out to him what I thought would be obvious, that a wee-wee is a children's slang term for a certain male body part, and that that this name would make more people giggle than Wang Computers.

Hiroshi said, "I guess you must be on Sony or Microsoft's payroll the way you are dismissing Nintendo, but I would not if I were you. Mario WeeWii and Starfox WeeWii have scored well in focus groups." I told him that I wasn't dismissing Nintendo, but I just could not believe that their focus groups failed to point out that little kids call the penis a wee-wee. He said "No one in Japan calls it that. You Americans have the strangest names for things. Since I have never heard of this, it must be the colloquialism of a small region. This has not stopped Hostess from selling 'Ding Dongs' snack cakes. They are highly popular! Everyone knows that Ding Dong is the sound made by a bell, any other meaning that a few silly Midwesterners attribute to it is irrelevant. The WeeWii will be no different." I replied, "Is that a WeeWii in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" He got offended by that, and wouldn't talk to me any more. What a dork! Why I have to be the one to go to these things is beyond me. I will have to ask the managing editor why he doesn't just send one of the guys. Us girls don't care about this stuff!

Anyway, there you have it. By this time next year you will be able to play with your WeeWii in public, and no one will say boo about it. You might still get in trouble if you whip it out at work or in school, though.

UNCOVEROR EXCLUSIVE: SASKRA NOT EXTINCT. SURVIVING SPECIMEN FOUND AND CLONED.

By Ben Radstein, Staff Reporter

The Uncoveror previously reported that Saskra Root, one of the "natural ingredients" of Coca-Cola was lost forever due to the extinction of Saskra Fortissima, the plant it came from. Now, a botanist has discovered a small patch of it in a Bolivian jungle, and successfully grown clones. In an Uncoveror Exclusive, I was able to interview him. He has asked me not to reveal his real name or his location, so I will call him "George"

Radstein: You claim that the lost ingredient for making the real Coca-Cola we all remember from youth is not gone after all. You found some and cloned it when all previous attempts had failed. Could you tell me more?

"George": Yes, a colleague of mine and I were exploring the jungles of Peru and Bolivia. He was hoping to study native tribes, and I indigenous fauna. We did find a native tribe and bonded with them rather well. On a gathering trip with some of the tribal women, we observed them collecting Coca and another plant growing with it. I discovered that they use the roots of this plant and Coca leaves to brew a kind of beverage. Though it was not very sweet, it did remind me of Coke from the old days when it tasted so much better than it does now. I was familiar with your previous report, and suspected at once that I had discovered what might be the last remaining Saskra Fortissima on earth. I smuggled a sample of it out of the jungle along with some Coca, since Saskra doesn't seem to ever grow without it. Once I got back to my lab, I confirmed what I had suspected. I had Saskra. It was not extinct after all.

Radstein: That is remarkable! Why all the secrecy?

"George": I cannot disclose my name or location because I am growing Coca. That is illegal and the penalties are severe, so I need to hide my research. If a scientific exemption to the law were passed, I could stop being secretive, but I cannot stand to stay completely silent. That is why I contacted you.

Radstein: Have you tried to find an alternative to using actual Coca plants?

"George": Yes, and so has every researcher before me. It just does not work. Any attempt to clone Saskra without a solution of Coca extractives failed. Any attempt to grow the new plants cloning produced without Coca beside them failed. They just withered and died. I have discovered that every Saskra plant needs to share soil with three or four Coca to grow. There is just no other way.

Radstein: Have you contacted Coca-Cola about your findings?

"George": Not yet. I don't have enough to make it commercially viable. I will let them know when I can produce enough for them to use. That will require a place where Coca can safely be cultivated, but there is no such place at this time. Until then, my research will remain underground. Only you and two of my colleagues know about it, and no one else can know just who or where I am until the time is right. I promise that when that time comes, you will get the scoop.

There you have it. A botanist has re-discovered and successfully cloned the secret ingredient in "The Real Thing". One day, the Coke we all remember may rise from the ashes like the Phoenix in mythology.

The Uncover or is a journal of political satire and news parody. Some material may not be appropriate for children. It is also available online at or

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